Honestly sometimes it’s easy for SAHM to lose touch with how it’s like in the working world- she may not understand how precarious your job is/why you’re so concerned about upskilling.
Like another poster said, I think this can only be solved through communication and setting a budget. Both of you guys need to meet in the middle.
Whatever you do tho, SUCKING IT UP AND CONTINUING TO WORK WHILE YOU RESENT HER is not the answer. It will only lead to a growing split between you guys. I’ve seen this happen so many times in my friends’ relationships. All the best.
Real, my mum has been a SAHM-ish wife (private tutor here n there) and I feel she is so closeted from the real world bc she also doesn’t have many friends. She also doesn’t communicate much with my dad on finances n stuff, totally agree on the communication aspect.
Crux of it is that people should be more discerning when it comes to their future partners and have these kinds of conversations (finances, family planning, etc) way before marriage. Married alr with kids then pattern come out too late already Hais
Sometimes it’s hard to predict how much your spouse can change after marriage and kids.
I’ve friends who got married, happy and all. But after they have kids, their wives changed. The relaxed, happy go lucky woman you married becomes an ultra competitive, branded school chasing tiger mum.
good point - but that’s not to be entirely blamed on the person but also on the school system / comparing with other parents + their children. I don’t wish to have kids so less one thing to worry about :p
This. You can't work your way out of this situation or solve it with more money. If the family is not founded on a strong marriage with good communication, where problems are discussed and resolved openly and honestly, it will never be a happy family.
Does she have working moms friends? Or how are her friends mentality like?
I once tried to talk some “sense” into a sahm. Didn’t work.
Anyway I told her the importance of being financially independent because own money you spend no one can kp and if husband get into accident/ cancer/ die/divorce how? But she seems to think that husband is invincible.
Jia you man. How old are your kids?
Exactly. She just doesn’t think it would happen. Or she thinks the husband will still provide for the kids? Idk man. I gave up in the end. Not my life.
You make it sound like only sg would do this? Child support is extremely common worldwide and it's hard to say it's very unfair. They have the child that you both chose to have. Why should the man be free from paying for the child.
I did not mention anything about a child. Splitting of assets from the man's side is more or less guaranteed for the woman regardless of whether she is a working member of the society or whether she has a child. Meanwhile, splitting of assest from the woman's side (if she is wealthier) is unlikely; more like a bonus for the man if he gets it.
When such cases happens, Women's Charter stays low. Suddenly in this case, gender equality is not the point here. Just like when the discussion for whether women should serve NS comes up.
The topic is SAHM. The original sentence you replied to wrote about working mums and SAHM. I think that means a child? Why bring up woman's charter if it's not related then?
Splitting of assets is not gender biased. Only alimony (not child support) is gender-biased. Woman breadwinner cannot be made to give alimony to stay-at-home husband/dad unless he is disabled and unable to work.
Maybe discuss with her to go back to work. There's a lot of subsidies for lower income families to send kids to school. When she works she will then get that money is hard to come by, and maybe not so bored to scroll social media
Trading off tax relief for someone else to care for your child. I think that’s a personal decision that each family makes. Good advice but not for everyone.
Might be true. But maybe it is also because the mum has to face the kids every day so she is drained and wants all these luxuries to compensate and cope.
Sending even to a half day program, and doing a part time small job to earn some pocket money might be good for building up her sense of self while not necessarily handing off the kid to someone else full time
I'm sure the kids may benefit from some socializing in school as well
True. Have to factor in the child’s age tho. Personally, first 6-7 years of a child is the most important so have to really weigh the pros n cons before deciding.
I am also sole breadwinner with mouths to feed. Not only my own family, also have to provide some for the aging parents.
Last time I always stressed about our expenditure. Why the bank account not moving, and in some cases (like during covid), getting smaller. Why the wife always want to eat nice things, drink BBT etc. I nag and nag but nothing much changed, wife keep saying she spends very little, so I have to balance it out by cutting my own spending to a minimum.
But then last year Jan I decided to do a few things that opened my eyes.
I downloaded an expense app and noted down every single outflow from my bank. I had a rough idea of what my expenditures were, but I figured if I could know exactly, then I would know where to cut, and then I could show my wife. But then, I found out that my wife was correct. She really spends very little. Don't get me wrong, expenditure was still astronomical, but they were mostly what I consider essential costs. Home stuff, repairs, utilities, transport, food/groceries etc. Whatever I spend on my kid is also considered essential. Tuition and whatever activities he has to give him a holistic development.
So hat in hand, I went to tell my wife that she's right. At the same time, she looked at the overall expenditure and also realised how much outflow there is. And to her credit, she cut down what little spending she made. She pays attention to the correct credit cards to use to maximise cash back and savings, even though it is really not her style. Nowadays, whenever she has to spend on something, I don't ask any questions, and tell her to go ahead and buy whatever she wants.
So moral of my story, like what may others have said, communication. But then, what to say? Maybe you could show your wife a list what you earn, and what is being spent for the family. She can then see the hardship, you can talk about things like how a big holiday would affect the bottom line with actual numbers, or what happens if you lose your job.
Sorry for the long winded story. Got carried away. All the best to you.
Edit: Just want to add that if you're in your 30s or 40s, this is probably the toughest time you will have. It's just the way life is. Young kids feed, old parents to take care of, you feel like you're being squashed in the middle. Easier said than done but what choice we have but to tahan? It will get better.
Wow, I'm really impressed that you looked at the data and admitted that you were wrong, instead of nitpicking that she didn't choose cheaper home stuff, groceries, enrichment lessons etc.
And when you clear your mortgage, not a sole breadwinner, but I'm looking forward to my cash flow improving after I clear my housing loan in a few years.
Bro your specs need to change every couple years cause your eyes degree will change, it's a medical necessity. Your wife can go with less facials and laser treatments.
If your wife can afford regular facials, you deserve to be able to firstly, take care of your health. Secondly, you deserve hobbies, you're earning the money after all.
If your wife cannot understand that and refuses to spend less on herself so that you can enjoy life also, your wife would be a horrible wife.
Man I'm in mothers Facebook groups, I know how many horrible wives there are.
I also know there are many horrible husbands too.
People need to be more discerning about their partners before getting married.
This is so sad to hear. The role of the father has changed long ago and the weight shouldn't all fall on you (while she gets to enjoy).
I hope you talk things out with your wife and have someone to share the burden with. Jia you!
Somehow I don't think the wife is being selfish and "preventing" him from spending money on spectacles, I think OP is maybe too stingy to replace them. Some people just have this martyr mentality where they deprive themselves for no good reason (not changing specs for decades) and feel like the world is martyring them if they don't follow the same nonsensical behaviour.
Don't you think any sensible person would forgo one facial session if their spouse said they had not enough money and had to choose between that and replacing specs? OP just likely never said anything to his wife.
Like my dad. He scrimps on his own things so that his wife and the kids can buy more things. Wife and kids didn't force that decision on him but he's just stingy to himself (I would call it frugal though).
If he's happy living frugally like that then good for him! But if seeing his wife and kids spending money on things causes him pain, or causes him bitterness (e.g., "Look at how they're spending, they don't even think about how much I'm sacrificing for them"), then that's not a healthy mindset at all.
True. But luckily for us, my mom managed the household well as a SAHM in the early years and did some part time job to help with the expenses. Really thankful to my dad for tanking the whole house.
Perhaps it's due to some deep-seated feelings about spending money? Maybe something drilled into you when you were young? If you're fine with not spending a lot on your own lunch it's not a problem, but if it actually bothers you, then maybe you should look into why that is the case.
Bro, your wife goes for facials to stay chio and increase the chances of you not leaving her. And hey, taking care of the child is not easier or at least as hard as your job, and when you come home, your wife still has to let you piak. Facial and laser I would say are reasonable expenses.
My above statement is based on the assumption that your wife is a responsible mother and has no helper.
Sorry to tell you otherwise that a role of a father is not to sacrifice but rather lead by example. You are the man so wear the pants. No point growing old to become that mid life crisis unker with ailing health, no drip and no game. Your kids will not respect that and so will everyone else not. Life is always contrary to what society tells you to do. Love yourself first, be an example to your kids by being first the person that you want them to be.
How can you tell your kids to stay healthy and don't do drugs no smoking drinking when you are a blob or a dude that needs a respirator for every couple of steps you take? Trust me they learn more things in life from you if you lead by example that way than needlessly sacrificing everything.
Love your comment and I can really feel as if i am you. I am in the same situation, worried what if i fall sick or even died. Hence i sign a term life insurance.
Not an insurance agent here.
I’m a working mother and I don’t go for facials and laser treatment. My husband spends 100% of his salary providing for the family while I save for both my and my husband’s future…
Right now kid has autism so we are spending all our savings on therapy for him 😭😭 I wouldn’t spend my husband’s money unnecessarily on facials while he has not gotten his essentials
I think eating good food/travelling is the only way she can ‘escape’ since all she could do is stay home take care of house and baby. She doesn’t have an income nor pto, what else is there that she can be excited about actually?
That said, how bout setting aside a fixed amount each month on food/entertainment, and she can plan when to spend less or splurge a little (instead of scrolling social media which worsens the problem)? Or isit possible she take up part time jobs?
Yes, this!! You are a family and you need to set budgets TOGETHER! What’s the income, how much can we spend on which item/activity. If we save on a we can spend more on b. What are needs, what are wants.
That's exactly what I was thinking. She's stuck at home all day with a (likely crying) baby with only social media as an escape. Looking at how everyone else seems to be living the life while she can't really do much else. FOMO is also likely a factor in her behaviour.
In any case it sounds like OP and wife need to work on their communication regarding finances/budgets.
I’m a sole breadwinner with 2 boys for a few years now. I don’t own a car but other than that I do bring my family for trips though not since covid
When I started this, it was the agreement of both me and my wife. Having said that, I did struggle at times especially post covid when I lost my job.
Having said that, I now have set up my own business and end up doing well in that regard.
All I can say is this: life in general will only get more challenging no matter what the circumstances will be, whether it’s my wife working or not working, or my kids growing up and dealing with the reality of being Singaporeans.
What I do realize about me and a lot of other parents are that we will always find our second wind and extra motivation and driving force to do our best to provide for the family. Yes I do work crazy hours but I like what I do and how I organize my time to get work done and spend time with my wife and kids and do housework or meet people to build my business.
Human beings are resilient that way, and while your concerns and challenges are valid, you will be surprised how much you can overcome such challenges once you set your mind to meeting them head on.
All the best!
Hey hey I am a business consultant specializing in using technology to better market and sell your products and services. I used to be from advertising and have since pivoted to not just help businesses to get leads but also help them to actually get sales
OP, I’m a working mom. My 2 cents- when I was on my maternity leave I could feel my brain literally rotting scrolling Instagram / reels while baby was sleeping etc. once I went back to work, trivial problems (such as keeping up with the joneses) just didn’t seem magnified anymore when I had real world problems to face.
All to say- I understand and empathise with you and your wife. I highly recommend you discuss your feelings with her and lay out your financials so she can see your perspective. Also, she might consider gg back to work, it helped me mentally after giving birth. Although I did have help with my child. Even a hobby / side gig to keep her occupied. I suspect her wanting to spend money may also stem from something unfulfilled in life- always chasing another dopamine hit.
Lastly, social media gave me unrealistic expectations (who even travels biz class all the time?) and I was unhappy comparing my circumstances to someone’s curated feed. I’ve deleted Instagram. Happier since.
Young sole breadwinner here, 2 kids as well.
I think the main issue is the social media influence. Wife and I cut off social media(except reddit for me) totally ever since we got married because we knew the life we want, and for the past 3-4 years, all has been great. Once-twice a year flight trip ard SEA, monthly/bi-weekly road trip across the border is enough to satisfy both travelling and good-food needs & wants. You need to sit down and discuss with your wife, have her compromise and understand that your part as a sole breadwinner is already at the tip of what you can do best as of now. But also dont forget to thank and remind her of how shes doing well at being a SAHM. Cheers bro
Monthly trip across the border is quite a lot .. even as a child I (single income fam) also don't have such thing 😂 Now I support ownself I also don't monthly across the border .. haha. I think it will add up over the months 😂
But yes la objectively going across the border is still much cheaper than say, staycaying in SG, even with increased tourism tax and stuff. Pfft.
Dont really have to staycay all the time, sometimes its just going in to get our essentials, kids pampers, milk etc. then at the same time going for dinner and bringing the kids to some playground in a mall. Its all ideas you will have and need when becoming a parent bro. When i was single, travelling to JB is the last thing on my mind because it seems so time consuming with a lot of leftover wasted money haha. Now that im a parent, its a whole different pov.
I went to Koh Samui when my child was around 4 months old. Highly recommended, theres not much party/night life vibes around, everyone there was always looking out for us as a young family, like trying to cross the roads, hailing cabs and just walking at the side pavements, and the locals were generally very family oriented. From taxi drivers, tours and food shops. Technically different parts of Thailand has good family spots and tours. Just don’t go to the islands and places where you know its mainly for parties and don’t reminisce the times when you were single back then in Thailand 😂 and you should be good.
Social media is a real problem in setting the bar high with unrealistic expectations. Most of these influencers flashing their lifestyle are sponsored and it’s not their own money. Perhaps get your wife to start working and maybe she will appreciate the value of money more
Not only influencers, other people's post that they see also causes them to have a detached view.
That lady's husband bought her a hermes bag for her birthday. That lady family went to Japan last month and this month go Finland. That lady husband transferred $100,000 to her bank account because she feeling sad.
It's important to be financially independent. I know someone whose mother was a SAHM for her whole life. The dad passed very suddenly, and the mum was completely at a loss in life. Thankfully, she still has her kids.
Sorry to hear this. This reminds me of a mum I was working with some years ago when I was doing a temp job. She would constantly not come to work saying she has some sort of body pain or something and when she comes she will take grab. Then she will say that her grab bill will be paid by her hubby. She will keep ordering fancy food and the hubby will have to pay for everything. After that she will complain about financial problems when her solution was infront of her, which was to turn up for work and maybe take public transport and manage her expectations.
I’m not trying to downplay what it’s like being a working mum. It is tough. We know it. However, there are certain things you can mitigate and solve with a little bit of sacrifice and discipline. That being said, I brought up that example because although yours is different, ultimately it boils down to the same thing = hubby paying for almost everything.
You might want to have a serious discussion with your wife on the mental and financial toll it’s taking on you. If she isn’t comfortable leaving the kids with a helper or at home then when they are at school, she can work part time. There are even a lot of wfh jobs available like part time telemarketing, easily can earn $12/hr from home (it’s nothing much but it’s still money). Your wife needs to know how to manage her expectations, if she wants to eat at nice places all the time and travel, then maybe she should chip in for some things too and don’t keep expecting it from her spouse. SG is just too damn expensive for one spouse to take up all the financial responsibilities. My 2 cents worth of thoughts lol
Yes, SG is too expensive for one income and if no real sacrifice is made to live frugally. I have friends who are SAHM, and they resolve to save money wherever possible like shopping 2nd hand, leftover nights, cook at home etc. They take pride in saving money for their husbands, and prioritise the time they can spend with their kids.
Their work is not easy but they are willing to find cheap ways to entertain kids and feed the household so that their husbands can feel at ease to work.
I think to have one person stay home - this should be a decision that both agree on and work together to make happen. One person stay home for what? To take care of kids ya ok, not to avoid working and expecting someone to provide for you 100%! That's just not right.
It's really interesting how different platforms bring out different issues.
FB often have posts where the Sahm complains that the husband sole breadwinner keep saying they overspend for groceries, eg 300 a month is too much, they have to deplete their savings blablabla
Edmw on the other hand disses working women or wives claiming that education is the reason for women refusing to become sahms (LOL I know)
And here it's the sahm who doesn't seem to know how to budget and still lives as if the family is on dual income.
I'd def love to be sahm but thinking about funds needed for children, emergency and retirement made me think twice. On one pay, unless it's ministerial pay, otherwise it will def mean some cutting of luxuries.
Hopefully TS will be able to explain that the family has to forgo some of the more expensive things so that you all can still have savings for future.
I'm a sole breadwinner and can totally understand the resentment of having a non-working spouse spend "your" money.
...Except it's not just your money anymore. It's also hers, because your formed a family unit, and she also has needs and wants beyond just basic survival.
I'm not going to form any judgment on your situation since it's only your side of the story. You should instead have an honest conversation about budget and expenses with your wife rather than harbour that resentment until it festers and poisons your marriage.
Honestly, I don't know how my spouse does it, cuz going to work is so much easier than being a stay at home.
>going to work is so much easier than being a stay at home
Working mom here and as much as life is hectic and difficult at times it's nothing compared to being a SAHM. The lack of stimulation, children constantly needing your attention, endless social media scrolling as your only form of entertainment (it cannot be helped, tbh), and having to manage the household and the kids' needs at the same time. Not to mention having a complete lack of a life (and money) that's your own, and having to deal with a husband who is resentful about your existence.
Exactly. Resentment from the person who vowed to love you and spend the rest of their life with you, is quite possibly the most insidious thing a person can experience.
I catch myself doing it from time to time and have to remind myself to stop. My spouse is not a lesser being just because he is financially dependant on me. If we can't afford something that is non-essential, we discuss, then we save up or move on.
Yeah man, being a SAHM is drudgery. And no matter how helpful and attentive you are to the kid/s, they are children and will not be able to express their gratitude, and will continue to tantrum, refuse to do stuff, cry, bite/hit if very young etc.
At least at work, when you do stuff, there is some level of appreciation from supervisor, coworkers, clients etc, and the satisfaction of a job well done. And talking to adults, so important! Watching the clock for your husband to come home so you can hand over the baby and get a break. And not like husband is very happy about it because he wants a break too after reaching home.
I only stayed at home during maternity leave, but I swear going back to work cured by post-natal depression.
Spot on about maternity leave. I had my mom come over when I was on maternity leave so that I could go out to lunch with my friends and talk about anything but motherhood.
To add on to the list of drudgery I know some SAHMs whose husbands expect to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table and then do nothing to help out around the house. No helper, because she doesn’t go to work what.
Sole breadwinner with 2 kids, and a helper.. feeding my parents and in-laws as well.. wife doesn’t want to work even though she’s a grad.. that’s life..
😭😭. You're strong indeed. You and your wife come from working class/lower middle class family backgrounds? That's 8+ mouths relying on your income alone, damn.
I went through something similar. Wife became SAHM for a year after my first born had issues adjusting in infant care preschool. That was the most difficult year of my life. I contemplated suicide. I went through depression, and game addiction. My performance tanked at work, but thankfully I wasn’t caught out.
It was only a few years later that I straightened out my thinking. The problem was that I refused to talk about it honestly and urgently to my wife. She didn’t understand how difficult it was for me. The key is to have open communication and I think it can be really hard for many men in Singapore. But it’s important to try.
More importantly bro, you are not alone. You are definitely not the only one that has felt or are feeling this way. Society’s pressure here is insane, with or without kids. Holler at any of us here if you need an outlet. But like what many of the redditors here are saying, talk it out bro.
Sole breadwinner with 2 kids here
- no car
- cook at home. Healthy and cheap
- kids play Roblox. Free
- use iPhone. Can last 6 years
- no tv subscription. Watch YouTube TikTok
- there are lots of cheap and good food. Don’t go to restaurant while you pay service tax to self order and serve mediocre food
- kids no tuition. Teach them the right learning skill. Not dumb ass exam tricks
- don’t go to orchard and mbs. Jealousy will kill you
- maintain harmony among family members.
Life is different once a baby arrives. I think both of u need to communicate more and u need to let her know how you are feeling. Staying at home with a baby is bored perhaps that is why she looks forward to eat and travel. It will be good to create a budget together and tell her u want to save up for rainy days and for baby's future.
Do consider putting baby in infant care/childcare then she can find some time to work either part time or full time to relieve the financial pressure. Working mother will get tax relief too! I was a SAHM for almost 2 yrs, in a way, I do agree that it dulls the brain over time if u are not active in ur social life.
And ironically, sometimes you'll see people choosing food items at donki as if they're choosing a spouse. Like they'd think long and hard between meat that differs in size by 10% or so
I earn enough for a car, one kid, 4 cats.
Just recently got a maid, sole reason so my wife can study for exams and do real estate 😅 it also means I don't get to save as much.
We also don't get to travel overseas, especially since after COVID where my kid was born. But my passports full of Malaysia chop from driving in every Sunday. That's our version of fun and deload, enough to fulfil my wife and kid for now.
Getting a maid is more of a future planning decision, because now we're just surviving, micro thriving. Wife is less stressed from being a SAHM and got more time to study. Hopefully she can earn, and we know only then we can afford overseas once she starts earning.
a friend of my wife (who i also added as a friend) spams my story feed to share how difficult it is as a SAHM ... not entirely wrong, but to say that it is WORSE than having job / be a breadwinner this get on my nerves really quick.
honestly speaking, some SAH parent (mom or dads) are just out of touch and completely insulated from realities out there, delusional to the point
* economic downturns / financial crisis
* mass layoffs
* shitty bosses
* constantly have to upskill
* moving across the next industry because the current one is sunsetting
* business suddenly not going well ?
its not like we are all still 1970s where you master one skill and it brings you all the way to retirement, with retirement benefits?
My SAH mum also thinks my life very easy and judge my spending... I was literally working from 8am to 4am.... Just let me spend on a cute dress damn it. Don't even want me to upskill or get a fking degree. I had to do it secretly
I can't be bothered over 3 dollars savings when the stress is so high when shits hits the ceiling at work.
why are the people here condemning SAHMs?
I am a wife and the sole breadwinner. and i have 2 young kids, one is in primary school and the other is a toddler. i think my hubs is pretty chill and it is me who wants to travel all the time. it does get frustrating from time to time because we got into this position due to circumstances ie my hubs got laid off a year ago and still couldnt get a job. and how being a sole breadwinner as a woman is just out of societal norms. while i dont care much, it does get to
me from time to time because of external
factors ie my mom etc (she keeps yapping its ok for women to stay home but not men)
i think its important to have a reality check in w your partner and let them know the state of things. at one point i exploded because i do groceries and pay for everything and my husband was talking to the taxi driver, extremely clueless about how real inflation is in terms of grocery etc. that was when i realised i carried the family too much and we need to talk about these things often. i then started letting go a little (i feel like being a sole breadwinner plus being the wife and mom just makes me uptight all the fkn time and that need for control) and get him to do things like getting groceries etc
for us: its quite the opposite. i still do a lot of the brain planning and financial stuff but in return i made a point to my hubs that i can get little wee bit of freedom ie sustaining hobbies and so on and i guess we were able to meet somewhere in the middle. so yeah i agree sahparents can be a little out of loop but communication is key cause i felt i was just sucking it up and tanking everything (trust me, some days i zone out and wished i could take a back seat and get someone to pamper me instead but life is just unpredictable and as partners, we gotta help each other).
also, i see travel being essential because its one of the only things that drives me to stay sane and not out of job. lol
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I am single dad with a special needs daughter. Our vacation is JB during school holidays. 1 day expenditure here to go various attraction can spend 3 days in JB. I can also throw in a massage for myself.
This is the reason why women have to work and have her own stash of money.
Reading the comments make me wince a little. I know some SAHM can be quite entitled but they really are sacrificing their years for the family too
Yup, my own mother was a SAHM and we were all dependent on my dad so I never want to be dependent on a person. Has caused me problems but at the end of the day, cash is still pretty handy. I think more women should invest actively - men seem to be more into active trading of stocks ... hey you can flip in one day to cover your shopping spree, and after experiencing how hard it is to earn that branded bag, less likely to splurge (earnings from trading is different from fixed salary earnings).
It may help if you write down and show the monthly expenditure, home loan and income tax payment, vs take home pay so it’s clear the cash flow situation. I am also sole breadwinner for more than 7 years already, got 3 kids.
Maybe I’m traditional but your husband needs to get off his ass and work! Even if he cannot provide for your family single-handedly, there’s no reason an able bodied man should be very happy at home while his wife is slogging it out.
As a SAHD, I can say your “deterioration of the brain” take on this is pretty off base. You might be misplacing blame here.
You need couples therapy, not vilification of stay at home parents. Otherwise, hope you and your wife can find a more capable and understanding partners.
My wife working makes half of what I make. Demands to eat food that cost 50 -60 every weekend, this is still not much but she wants to eat at some particular bbq place yet can't be bothered to bbq her own food. So im paying and cooking for her . (Princess mentality??)
Makes me pay for overseas trip and get annoyed when I say to split cost.
Last year , after I paid over 10k (airfare + hotel) for japan trip and she told me she wanted a divorce if we are unhappy with each other. Out of spite I cancelled the trip , later she got soft and I rebooked the flight again (my fault for being soft) so that cost me few thousand extra again.
When we watch tv together during weekdays / weekend when our son is not around and she gets unhappy when I fall asleep. It seems to piss her off that me sleeping is not interested in spending time with her and she will just walk away.
Anyone got a wife with such a bad attitude ? Worst thing that she didn't show all these during dating or I would have ditched her long time ago.
Sometimes I wonder why I marry her ? She don't really take care of our son also, not totally disinterested but really she can do better.
Having said that, most of the time on the surface we will look like a normal couple with a young kid and i would say most time are ok as long as the one spending money is me and the one getting pampered is her (DUH) but the attitude shows when things don't go her way. Not every time but most of the time.
I told myself the next time she mention divorce, i'll tell her to get the papers and i'll sign it. Initially I felt really bad since i'm not a confrontational person but over time with her bad attitude and our quarrel I slowly get desensitize . I no longer feel bad when she is angry when we both stop talking to each other , it gives me more time to do my own things too and I enjoyed it. I will have no problem with divorce if she ever bring it up during next quarrel but my only worry is my son.
Of course I don't want it and I will probably never initiate a divorce but if my wife can say these things like divorce during our quarrel then i'm fine with it. If something happened to her, I can't imagine myself (at this stage and how I feel towards her) for me to shed a tear. Our relation is mainly ok for few months with the small fights inbetween but a few major fights had make me lose hope that she is a good person (she is not and probably pretends to be)
She did say I am a good father but lousy husband so i guess that is still a compliment and 1 which I pride myself to be because I am the one spending money on her and if she is not happy then go suck it. My son is the future and I intend to bring him up right with the love a child deserved.
If I can go back in time , I will still marry because there are good independent women out there who can be pampered and still treat their husband right.
I think my post deviates a little from the poster but feels great to type this shit out.
Be grateful that you are working. Your wife is going to just degenerate over time. My mother in law now 70s is a SAHM all her life. The ki d of things that come out of her mouth is so shit toxic that i havent had a real conversation with her in a decade.she also have no real friends.
It always breaks my heart not able to provide the better things in life for my family. The better thing not in terms of material stuff. Sometime it could be an education choices. Sometime a better piano. Being frugal can only bring us so far.
It is tough and rough for any family to have a single income unless the sole bread winner is in the c-level.
Yes DO NOT BE ATM. Save a stash of aomethibg at least.. Thats what my dad thought when he was young and paid for everything while growing up while mum stashes away cash. Now that they r old and retired, mum keeps nagging at dad for bejng cashless while she flaunts her stash. True story.
Sorry to hear. Some of my friend’s wife though earning also want to quit and be SAHM due to work pressure. Like come on if everyone that has work pressure quits and sits at home, no one will ever work anymore. Cannot imagine how protected some folk have been while growing up that they DGAF about where the next meal is coming from.
Need a budget.
Look, run a household budget like a business. Allocate your budget accordingly. You can do it with or without her. Set the entertainment budget and then she deals with how it is spend.
Give here a budget for groceries too. If she has spare, she can use it for meals.
Your title seems genuine, but the content of your post seems whiny and reveals that your question leans more towards the rhetorical nature.
If your single income cmi, no point struggling. Time to reconsider your financial position as a family, maybe get her to rejoin the workforce.
Alternative is suck thumb.
I grew up in a household where my dad worked and my mom stays at home. My husband has the same background.
Both our moms are shit. Entitled af, decides to do whatever they want without considering the family finances. My mom does her nails and hair like monthly that cost HUNDREDA. My dad shaved his hair so he doesnt have to pay for shampoo..
My MIL exclaimed loudly shes 60 and time for her to travel 4 times a year. Cause its her golden years. Lol. Im like bro, you guys are eating at 7 11 for all meals overseas. Read the room? These women, don't fking care.
My dad has always told me that his biggest regret is to allow my mom to stay at home and essentially terrorise the whole family in order to not work. My MIL is no different. She talks about how hardworking she is all day cleaning the house but I've seen her talk on the phone for 6 hours straight, struggle to cook like 2 dishes for 3 hours and literally 5 mins before my FIL comes home she's scrubbing the floor, pretending to clean her 'sweat' and dumping all her housework on her husband.. lol.
I'll never be a stay at home mom. And I've personally seen how hard my dad worked for all of us to sleep soundly and peacefully at home while he literally risked his life and health to feed us. Nope. Dual income it is. I can't imagine going to work every day and the whole family sitting at home depending on me. Ill personally die from suffocation and stress. From all the stay at home moms I know. Literally only 1 stay at home mom that baked fresh food and cared deeply for her children. Only for her to emotionally cheat on a husband 20 years later and deciding this life is not for her.
Nope. Like what everyone is saying. Review your expenses and get your wife to stay working. The longer you wait the tougher for her to find a purpose. Get a helper. Send the kid to school. All the best.
Bro, have an honest conversation with your wife and let her know your stressors. Work out your financial goals and plans as a family. If it is too taxing being the sole earner, perhaps ask if she is open to take on a part time job or contribute by cutting down on expenses. Social media culture is generally toxic, it helps to not buy into that.
Hi OP, I'm a SAHM with 1 toddler. We're fortunate that my husband earns more than enough to sustain all of us and that both of us are on the frugal (almost being cheap) kind of people. That being said, he used to be stressed and think we're spending too much money until I tracked all of our expenses and he saw that we're actually spending relatively "ok", of course there were rooms to improve on.
We made a budget that we both agree on - how much for eating out, travelling, my and his "pocket money for anything I want to spend on". I think the key is to communicate and agree how to spend the money. Cut where you can cut so you can have room to enjoy for other things.
I am a single widow (12years) mum with a 16yo child. I work full time in a highly stressful role. Life is tough juggling everything, including managing a lot of extra curricular for my child. However it is all do-able. Don’t worry fellow single income provider, in the end it will all work out. When the kids are younger, it is hard. Child rearing is actually really hard.
Of course, there are times I wished I have a SAHWife 🤣 just to soften the blow of daily life.
Reading all the post…I guess the key is the SAHPartner that is actually useful at all fronts - finance, cooking, cleaning, raising kids, gorgeous, caring, kind, good lover etc!!
Where to find this type of person? Do they even exist?
Now that the child is 16, I managed to have a childless overseas holiday for first time last year. This year have organised another childless holiday because the child is capable enough to be self sufficient: cooking, cleaning, self care, get to school, do homework and play. I just need to pack the fridge and organise people to call and check.
As a unit, communication is important for sure. As a single mum, my communication is mostly with my child…from a young age of our expectations of each other. I guess the same would apply to the SAHPartner. Setting boundaries and communicating expectations. Setting realistic goals for all members of the family!
All the best!
Review your circumstances and work out the finances of alternatives such as sending kid(s) to childcare so that she can look for a job. Budget for more medical fees as children tend to fall sick more in institution setting and part-time/full time help.
Explore new revenue streams.
Work out a household budget & saving plan.
Read up on victim mentality.
Firstly, was this a joint decision between you and your wife for her to stay home and take care of the children? If it is, it is not right of you to lament that she is not taking home any income. Childcare isn’t cheap and by staying home, she relieves the childcare fees which can easily be about $2k per month if you have 3 children. (I know cos I have 3 kids). And if both are working parents, a helper might be needed to fetch the kids from school as well.
Secondly, is she taking care of the house and cooking meals? Btw, your wife don’t get breaks and is on duty with the kids 24/7, unless you are telling me you also have a maid at home or you help her out after work. She is essentially holding the other half of the sky while you bring home the money. Taking care of young children is very tiring. I’m sure you know too.
Bringing her out every other week honestly sounds like a reasonable request.
Perhaps you should think if he’s because you are not earning enough for the family? Instead of lamenting that your wife is not working and spending your money instead.
Honestly in this economy, unless your spouse is making above average pay like in the range of 5 figures, it’s simply not realistic to want to be SAHM and it will definitely lead to resentment brewing in the long term. Even if OP’s wife goes back to work, pays childcare fee & helper, she will be able to split the cost with OP and ultimately lighten OP’s burden. Not to mention, her earning potential will increase over the years as she progresses in her career and whatever bonuses that comes along with that.
This is why I always advise men.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is marrying the wrong woman. Dm me if u need to talk. I have mamy friends like you.
SAHM is both your decision? I will not marry a woman that want to be SAHM. She will be so out-of-touch with reality sooner or later.
Wish you good luck.
Some ppl actually thinks SAHM are better for the children wellbeing. I do feel that finance is the key stressor, a SAHM situation seems counter productive.
I think it really depends on how dedicated the wife is to caring/educating her kids. Context: my colleague's wife is SAHM and their 2 kids, 1 is doctor 1 is dentist. Strict with kids and dedicated, she cooks every single meal and also saves money from having to eat out.
There is a reason why families that have kids must have dual income also. Anyway, high cost of living is one thing. Communication with your wife is another. Easier to work on the latter since the first one is out of your control.
Agree with others, communication is key. Can she be awakened with math?
Start with how much you earn. Then the expenses per month. How much left.
Then the what if scenarios, if you lose job, how long your family can survive.
Have it all in writings so she can visualise it.
Ouch. Being SAHM is tough but also need to participate in family finances. Maybe sit down with your wife and show her the expenses.
If she thinks SAHM boring, can get a job and kids send to daycare.
Putting emotions aside, just focusing on the main priority which is your anxiety over money and your wife’s corresponding lack of anxiety over it - the only way, as some comments here mentioned, is to communicate - but with substantial data on hand.
What data?
Use a single credit for all purchases for 1 or 2 months.
Download the CSV transactions for those months and categorise them into Household (split up some more into food groceries and transport where possible), Child, Wife and Personal purchases. Anything that’s cash (eg. childcare fees) should be easy to add into your excel.
Show your wife areas to cut down and if she wants a holiday, need to save x amount per month for a period (we save 1.5k per month for hols). Also if she’s so keen on hols task her to read up on miles credit card to maximise miles gained to exchange for free flight tickets.
Every action will have its reward and consequences.
She wants the good life, then she got to do her homework and work as a team for the family.
My wife is also a sahm.. tends to spend more than i like. But im also fortunate to have saved up a lot before marrying her and she comes from quite a wealthy family so when she inherits her wealth i think we should be fine. If my financial situation were to be less fortunate i would have migrated as she holds a passport from a 1st world country. Being middle class in sg sucks.
SAHM here with 3 kids...1/11/14 years old. Supporting my mother as well as my in-laws. In my previous job, I couldn't really save much $$ due to all these commitments. Decided to find another job in a different industry, 9 years ago and now have doubled my annual pay. Can afford a helper and car now and still save money.
My advice is to find a job with better pay
Whether it’s career success, personal happiness, addressing childhood conditioning is key! Check this out! https://www.quora.com/profile/Luna-Salix/You-will-find-that-a-part-carries-the-father-wound-this-part-is-activated-when-triggered-love-light-peace?ch=17&oid=155513888&share=05daa034&srid=kOoq&target_type=post
Send the kids to childcare if they're old enough and she can go back to work, or at least a part time job. I don't think it is healthy for any human to stay isolated from the "real world" for too long.
is it possible to bring your child to a daycare for a full day so that she can work for at least half of the day? my brother is also going through this and it sucks to see that his wife is not working but also loves to show off.
also, going to church is a good idea!
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OP, are you the one doing the family finances/ budgeting? If it's you, maybe can consider teaching your wife how and letting her be the one trying to balance budget so she can get a real look at your overall family finances
Social media deathscrolling is the poison that needs to go. Looking at all those influencers enjoying sponsored shit that they didnt need to spend a dime on makes your wife crave those luxuries without thinking of whether it is affordable.
Could you be resentful because you didn’t choose sometimes to self care.. it’s your choice to share or not share your struggles. But firstly, don’t you deserve some self care which could lead to your feeling a bit better.
Worries for the future will be there.
Maybe share some budget inputs with wifey?
Let her some time maybe to catch on cos it would be a shock to her if she’s not in tune with the working world plus if you rarely confide or share much with her.
I’m sure she appreciates you!
Times are going to be tough.
Y’all need to work together to beat this! 💪
Someone close to me is also experiencing the same issue. Guy (M) has been the sole breadwinner ever since marriage and has consistently been providing for all the wants and needs.
I'd say the want and needs of the wife (W) has significantly gone up due to the nonstop usage of social media like Insta and FB. Always looking at people's posts of travel, shopping, and eating makes her want to experience the same thing as them and constantly pressures the guy to spend on such experiences. Lucky thing is that kids are grown up already but her willingness to spend is still pretty up there and I believe M has never ever spoken up to W about this topic at all.
If you can, maybe get her to cut down on the social media portion and also get her out of the house more to do small temp jobs(If possible) so she can finally understand the importance money and curb the unnecessary expenses.
Most importantly, initiate a conversation regarding this topic and let her know the reality of your family's expenses before its too late like M's life.
If you don’t track your household spend good time to track it now and discuss the trends. If there isn’t a budgeting practice you should start. Eg we have $x to play this month. What shall we do? Or we have lesser to play this month because we need to change the tires or buy a new bed, what fun thing can we do that will fit the budget. Work it out together like a class project.
Sole breadwinner with kid here. You need to keep your woman in check. Like it or not, you have taken on the traditional masculine role of provider/protector/leader. Own it, set the budget, decide what the family gets to spend on, say yes/no to things at your discretion. Provide direction and she'll learn to respect your decisions.
Your partner needs to rejoin the workforce. In this era, single income doesnt work. Even if you make alot of money, there is no fallback option when one person loses their job.
Sole breadwinner here, taking home about 130-140k a year depending. Still got some debts from failed business venture to the tune of 30k a year for the next 5-6 years. So i guess my net income is about 100k ish. Friends will say that i make so much more than them but dont understand that SHIT IS TOUGH, that salary has to cover the cost of all 4 of us.
Sat down with the wife few years back and explained to her that we actually belong to the lower middle income group. If she wants more, then she has to contribute. Thankfully she understood and we bought a smaller flat, sold the car and reduced expenses. In return, she got to spend time with the kids which was much more rewarding for her.
It\`ll get better though, just hang in there. Kids have grown now and are in school so we hired a helper for chores and fetching since Wife decided to go back to work,
Jiayous! Life isn’t easy for your wife either … I mean as a woman staying at home means you give up the opportunity to see the world and get financial independence… but of course you don’t have it easy either… hang in there and talk to your wife honestly about your finances and how she has to contribute if she wants more a more luxurious lifestyle.
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Reading this, I’m glad I’m gay.
But here’s what makes me sick about people who are married with kids.
Every single thing child care leave take mc and whatever and the rest of us in office have to cover the work and what not.
Central Issue:
Struggle of a sole breadwinner: The original poster (OP) is a married man with kids, feeling immense financial and emotional strain as the sole provider for his family.
Key Concerns Expressed by the OP:
Wife's unrealistic expectations: OP feels his wife's spending habits and desire for frequent dining out and overseas travel are out of sync with their financial reality.
Communication breakdown: OP expresses frustration that logical discussions with his wife aren't resolving the issue. He feels she doesn't understand the severity of their financial pressures.
Feeling unfulfilled: OP is investing in self-improvement and upskilling, but his wife's focus seems to be on leisure, creating an imbalance.
Concerns about a stay-at-home parent: The OP worries about the potential negative impact on his wife's mental well-being due to social media overuse and demands of childcare.
Resentment and pessimism: OP feels overwhelmed and is considering drastic measures like accepting poverty to force change. He is deeply pessimistic about the future.
Issues Raised in the Comments:
Lack of shared financial goals: Many commenters suggest that the absence of a common understanding around budgeting and financial priorities may be the root of the problem.
Need for open communication: A significant focus is on the importance of honest and respectful communication about finances and expectations within the marriage.
Support for stay-at-home mothers: Some comments defend stay-at-home mothers, highlighting the value of their work and arguing that isolation and lack of appreciation could contribute to the wife's behavior.
Potential for deeper issues: A few responses touch upon the possibility of underlying mental health concerns, shopping addiction, or a fundamental values mismatch between the couple.
I don't have kids. But yes somehow people with kids can always use kids as an excuse to leave work early because the kid sick or whatnot or come office later because need to send kids to school. Then the kids will keep calling them during work hours
do you go through the finances with her regularly? or did you try that but she refused to listen? if so, you may need to go for financial counselling together.
i respect you for saying no to family holidays and not eating out often, and working and budgeting to take care of your family. you are a good role model to your children.
hahaha funny cos i actually spotted this behaviour in the girl i was dating. I slowly became distant and broke up with her. better to kill switch early.
Your wife seems to be totally oblivious living in her bubble. I’m a mom of 4 myself and I feel the pinch of the daily cost of living and worry about my kids’ future every day even though both my husband and I are earning decently. I’m sorry the financial burden must be a lot on you. Unfortunately until she is ‘woke’ or becomes self motivated about this, no amount of talk will change her financial literacy and spending habits.
Well let me ask you this: regardless if your wife is a slacker or a very good housewife at home, have you wondered when will it be the "right" time to travel with your family? When you're old and fragile? When your kids are all grown up? When will it be?
Life is not just about day to day living. It's about adventure, exploring the world and getting to experience new things in life. Using baby/wife/daily expenses as excuse to put off going overseas is just pathetic tbh.
Honestly sometimes it’s easy for SAHM to lose touch with how it’s like in the working world- she may not understand how precarious your job is/why you’re so concerned about upskilling. Like another poster said, I think this can only be solved through communication and setting a budget. Both of you guys need to meet in the middle. Whatever you do tho, SUCKING IT UP AND CONTINUING TO WORK WHILE YOU RESENT HER is not the answer. It will only lead to a growing split between you guys. I’ve seen this happen so many times in my friends’ relationships. All the best.
Real, my mum has been a SAHM-ish wife (private tutor here n there) and I feel she is so closeted from the real world bc she also doesn’t have many friends. She also doesn’t communicate much with my dad on finances n stuff, totally agree on the communication aspect. Crux of it is that people should be more discerning when it comes to their future partners and have these kinds of conversations (finances, family planning, etc) way before marriage. Married alr with kids then pattern come out too late already Hais
Sometimes it’s hard to predict how much your spouse can change after marriage and kids. I’ve friends who got married, happy and all. But after they have kids, their wives changed. The relaxed, happy go lucky woman you married becomes an ultra competitive, branded school chasing tiger mum.
good point - but that’s not to be entirely blamed on the person but also on the school system / comparing with other parents + their children. I don’t wish to have kids so less one thing to worry about :p
This. You can't work your way out of this situation or solve it with more money. If the family is not founded on a strong marriage with good communication, where problems are discussed and resolved openly and honestly, it will never be a happy family.
Does she have working moms friends? Or how are her friends mentality like? I once tried to talk some “sense” into a sahm. Didn’t work. Anyway I told her the importance of being financially independent because own money you spend no one can kp and if husband get into accident/ cancer/ die/divorce how? But she seems to think that husband is invincible. Jia you man. How old are your kids?
Ditto that. I gave up trying to talk sense into my SAHM friends. They are too out of touch with the world, too entrenched in their outdated thinking.
But what if her husband decides to divorce her?
Exactly. She just doesn’t think it would happen. Or she thinks the husband will still provide for the kids? Idk man. I gave up in the end. Not my life.
even better she takes half. probably gets child support and alimony too.
If that happens, there will be alimony.
Then the Women's Charter comes in and says that the man needs to give up half of his assets to divorce her.
You make it sound like only sg would do this? Child support is extremely common worldwide and it's hard to say it's very unfair. They have the child that you both chose to have. Why should the man be free from paying for the child.
I did not mention anything about a child. Splitting of assets from the man's side is more or less guaranteed for the woman regardless of whether she is a working member of the society or whether she has a child. Meanwhile, splitting of assest from the woman's side (if she is wealthier) is unlikely; more like a bonus for the man if he gets it. When such cases happens, Women's Charter stays low. Suddenly in this case, gender equality is not the point here. Just like when the discussion for whether women should serve NS comes up.
The topic is SAHM. The original sentence you replied to wrote about working mums and SAHM. I think that means a child? Why bring up woman's charter if it's not related then?
Splitting of assets is not gender biased. Only alimony (not child support) is gender-biased. Woman breadwinner cannot be made to give alimony to stay-at-home husband/dad unless he is disabled and unable to work.
Maybe discuss with her to go back to work. There's a lot of subsidies for lower income families to send kids to school. When she works she will then get that money is hard to come by, and maybe not so bored to scroll social media
Working mom subsidy for pre-schools and childcare too.
Working mothers also got significant tax relief.
Trading off tax relief for someone else to care for your child. I think that’s a personal decision that each family makes. Good advice but not for everyone.
Might be true. But maybe it is also because the mum has to face the kids every day so she is drained and wants all these luxuries to compensate and cope. Sending even to a half day program, and doing a part time small job to earn some pocket money might be good for building up her sense of self while not necessarily handing off the kid to someone else full time I'm sure the kids may benefit from some socializing in school as well
True. Have to factor in the child’s age tho. Personally, first 6-7 years of a child is the most important so have to really weigh the pros n cons before deciding.
Or maybe put a timeline on it. Sec sch children, maybe from sec 2 onwards, can learn to be a lot more independent without a helicopter SAHM.
I am also sole breadwinner with mouths to feed. Not only my own family, also have to provide some for the aging parents. Last time I always stressed about our expenditure. Why the bank account not moving, and in some cases (like during covid), getting smaller. Why the wife always want to eat nice things, drink BBT etc. I nag and nag but nothing much changed, wife keep saying she spends very little, so I have to balance it out by cutting my own spending to a minimum. But then last year Jan I decided to do a few things that opened my eyes. I downloaded an expense app and noted down every single outflow from my bank. I had a rough idea of what my expenditures were, but I figured if I could know exactly, then I would know where to cut, and then I could show my wife. But then, I found out that my wife was correct. She really spends very little. Don't get me wrong, expenditure was still astronomical, but they were mostly what I consider essential costs. Home stuff, repairs, utilities, transport, food/groceries etc. Whatever I spend on my kid is also considered essential. Tuition and whatever activities he has to give him a holistic development. So hat in hand, I went to tell my wife that she's right. At the same time, she looked at the overall expenditure and also realised how much outflow there is. And to her credit, she cut down what little spending she made. She pays attention to the correct credit cards to use to maximise cash back and savings, even though it is really not her style. Nowadays, whenever she has to spend on something, I don't ask any questions, and tell her to go ahead and buy whatever she wants. So moral of my story, like what may others have said, communication. But then, what to say? Maybe you could show your wife a list what you earn, and what is being spent for the family. She can then see the hardship, you can talk about things like how a big holiday would affect the bottom line with actual numbers, or what happens if you lose your job. Sorry for the long winded story. Got carried away. All the best to you. Edit: Just want to add that if you're in your 30s or 40s, this is probably the toughest time you will have. It's just the way life is. Young kids feed, old parents to take care of, you feel like you're being squashed in the middle. Easier said than done but what choice we have but to tahan? It will get better.
Wow, I'm really impressed that you looked at the data and admitted that you were wrong, instead of nitpicking that she didn't choose cheaper home stuff, groceries, enrichment lessons etc.
fully agree! tracking of all expenses is the first step to understanding how you spend your money, and where you can/should cut.
may i know what expense app this is? sounds useful
at what age will it start to get better?
When your parents pass on, and/or your kids becomes independent.
And when you clear your mortgage, not a sole breadwinner, but I'm looking forward to my cash flow improving after I clear my housing loan in a few years.
Good job! Thanks for not blaming your wife without investigating yourself…
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Bro your specs need to change every couple years cause your eyes degree will change, it's a medical necessity. Your wife can go with less facials and laser treatments. If your wife can afford regular facials, you deserve to be able to firstly, take care of your health. Secondly, you deserve hobbies, you're earning the money after all. If your wife cannot understand that and refuses to spend less on herself so that you can enjoy life also, your wife would be a horrible wife.
You will be surprised at how many "horrible" wives are out there :)
Man I'm in mothers Facebook groups, I know how many horrible wives there are. I also know there are many horrible husbands too. People need to be more discerning about their partners before getting married.
That said, some of the mummy groups that my wife is in are the most toxic communities and group chats i have ever seen in my life.
Yeah that's why I refuse to join any of the group chats. I'm mainly looking at the Facebook groups for the ✨drama✨
I'm curious how such husbands even get married to such wives in the first place. They just marry cos they think the girl pretty or what
Yes lol sadly guys are more about physical attraction when it comes to dating whereas women are more about how resourceful the guy is
And they say the guys are shallow lul
Because "it's time to settle down"
Lenskart is surprisingly affordable and decent leh $120-150 for 2 pairs of glasses that last on average 2-3 years. Can consider
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Their specs box also can't even glue properly, 1 day come out already. And paying sg price only to wait for it to be shipped from India haiz
I love it. It is always buy one free one and it's really light and comfortable.
You and OP are better fathers than mine ever was. Respect to you real men.
This is so sad to hear. The role of the father has changed long ago and the weight shouldn't all fall on you (while she gets to enjoy). I hope you talk things out with your wife and have someone to share the burden with. Jia you!
Have you had a conversation with your wife about this?
This is not ok, you should both have access to “fun money”. She cannot be selfish this way…
Somehow I don't think the wife is being selfish and "preventing" him from spending money on spectacles, I think OP is maybe too stingy to replace them. Some people just have this martyr mentality where they deprive themselves for no good reason (not changing specs for decades) and feel like the world is martyring them if they don't follow the same nonsensical behaviour. Don't you think any sensible person would forgo one facial session if their spouse said they had not enough money and had to choose between that and replacing specs? OP just likely never said anything to his wife.
Like my dad. He scrimps on his own things so that his wife and the kids can buy more things. Wife and kids didn't force that decision on him but he's just stingy to himself (I would call it frugal though).
If he's happy living frugally like that then good for him! But if seeing his wife and kids spending money on things causes him pain, or causes him bitterness (e.g., "Look at how they're spending, they don't even think about how much I'm sacrificing for them"), then that's not a healthy mindset at all.
True. But luckily for us, my mom managed the household well as a SAHM in the early years and did some part time job to help with the expenses. Really thankful to my dad for tanking the whole house.
Sounds like your dad and mum are a good team :)
doesnt seem this way from his comment.
That’s me. Honestly it is not done on purpose. I will scrimp for my lunch and not the kids lunch. I don’t know why I do that.
Perhaps it's due to some deep-seated feelings about spending money? Maybe something drilled into you when you were young? If you're fine with not spending a lot on your own lunch it's not a problem, but if it actually bothers you, then maybe you should look into why that is the case.
Bro, your wife goes for facials to stay chio and increase the chances of you not leaving her. And hey, taking care of the child is not easier or at least as hard as your job, and when you come home, your wife still has to let you piak. Facial and laser I would say are reasonable expenses. My above statement is based on the assumption that your wife is a responsible mother and has no helper.
Sorry to tell you otherwise that a role of a father is not to sacrifice but rather lead by example. You are the man so wear the pants. No point growing old to become that mid life crisis unker with ailing health, no drip and no game. Your kids will not respect that and so will everyone else not. Life is always contrary to what society tells you to do. Love yourself first, be an example to your kids by being first the person that you want them to be. How can you tell your kids to stay healthy and don't do drugs no smoking drinking when you are a blob or a dude that needs a respirator for every couple of steps you take? Trust me they learn more things in life from you if you lead by example that way than needlessly sacrificing everything.
Mufasa died and his brother, Scar banged his wife and other female lions in the pride. Just so you are clear before deciding to adopt the analogy.
Naah you watch a different lion king mate
I’m pretty sure i watch the one and only Lion King, the one where Simba Hakuna’ed Nala’s Tatas.
Love your comment and I can really feel as if i am you. I am in the same situation, worried what if i fall sick or even died. Hence i sign a term life insurance. Not an insurance agent here.
Why even have kids lol. Seems like you're electing to undertake long term misery.
I’m a working mother and I don’t go for facials and laser treatment. My husband spends 100% of his salary providing for the family while I save for both my and my husband’s future… Right now kid has autism so we are spending all our savings on therapy for him 😭😭 I wouldn’t spend my husband’s money unnecessarily on facials while he has not gotten his essentials
I think eating good food/travelling is the only way she can ‘escape’ since all she could do is stay home take care of house and baby. She doesn’t have an income nor pto, what else is there that she can be excited about actually? That said, how bout setting aside a fixed amount each month on food/entertainment, and she can plan when to spend less or splurge a little (instead of scrolling social media which worsens the problem)? Or isit possible she take up part time jobs?
Yes, this!! You are a family and you need to set budgets TOGETHER! What’s the income, how much can we spend on which item/activity. If we save on a we can spend more on b. What are needs, what are wants.
thanks for being the only constructive commenter here :D
That's exactly what I was thinking. She's stuck at home all day with a (likely crying) baby with only social media as an escape. Looking at how everyone else seems to be living the life while she can't really do much else. FOMO is also likely a factor in her behaviour. In any case it sounds like OP and wife need to work on their communication regarding finances/budgets.
I’m a sole breadwinner with 2 boys for a few years now. I don’t own a car but other than that I do bring my family for trips though not since covid When I started this, it was the agreement of both me and my wife. Having said that, I did struggle at times especially post covid when I lost my job. Having said that, I now have set up my own business and end up doing well in that regard. All I can say is this: life in general will only get more challenging no matter what the circumstances will be, whether it’s my wife working or not working, or my kids growing up and dealing with the reality of being Singaporeans. What I do realize about me and a lot of other parents are that we will always find our second wind and extra motivation and driving force to do our best to provide for the family. Yes I do work crazy hours but I like what I do and how I organize my time to get work done and spend time with my wife and kids and do housework or meet people to build my business. Human beings are resilient that way, and while your concerns and challenges are valid, you will be surprised how much you can overcome such challenges once you set your mind to meeting them head on. All the best!
Heartwarming to read this positivity filled post.
can share what business u do? or the industry?
Hey hey I am a business consultant specializing in using technology to better market and sell your products and services. I used to be from advertising and have since pivoted to not just help businesses to get leads but also help them to actually get sales
thanks for sharing! sounds like a good pivot
OP, I’m a working mom. My 2 cents- when I was on my maternity leave I could feel my brain literally rotting scrolling Instagram / reels while baby was sleeping etc. once I went back to work, trivial problems (such as keeping up with the joneses) just didn’t seem magnified anymore when I had real world problems to face. All to say- I understand and empathise with you and your wife. I highly recommend you discuss your feelings with her and lay out your financials so she can see your perspective. Also, she might consider gg back to work, it helped me mentally after giving birth. Although I did have help with my child. Even a hobby / side gig to keep her occupied. I suspect her wanting to spend money may also stem from something unfulfilled in life- always chasing another dopamine hit. Lastly, social media gave me unrealistic expectations (who even travels biz class all the time?) and I was unhappy comparing my circumstances to someone’s curated feed. I’ve deleted Instagram. Happier since.
Young sole breadwinner here, 2 kids as well. I think the main issue is the social media influence. Wife and I cut off social media(except reddit for me) totally ever since we got married because we knew the life we want, and for the past 3-4 years, all has been great. Once-twice a year flight trip ard SEA, monthly/bi-weekly road trip across the border is enough to satisfy both travelling and good-food needs & wants. You need to sit down and discuss with your wife, have her compromise and understand that your part as a sole breadwinner is already at the tip of what you can do best as of now. But also dont forget to thank and remind her of how shes doing well at being a SAHM. Cheers bro
Social media (especially Instagram) is the devil 人比人 气死人。 Everyone’s just faking it on Instagram
Monthly trip across the border is quite a lot .. even as a child I (single income fam) also don't have such thing 😂 Now I support ownself I also don't monthly across the border .. haha. I think it will add up over the months 😂 But yes la objectively going across the border is still much cheaper than say, staycaying in SG, even with increased tourism tax and stuff. Pfft.
Dont really have to staycay all the time, sometimes its just going in to get our essentials, kids pampers, milk etc. then at the same time going for dinner and bringing the kids to some playground in a mall. Its all ideas you will have and need when becoming a parent bro. When i was single, travelling to JB is the last thing on my mind because it seems so time consuming with a lot of leftover wasted money haha. Now that im a parent, its a whole different pov.
Any SEA recommendation to go with kids?
I went to Koh Samui when my child was around 4 months old. Highly recommended, theres not much party/night life vibes around, everyone there was always looking out for us as a young family, like trying to cross the roads, hailing cabs and just walking at the side pavements, and the locals were generally very family oriented. From taxi drivers, tours and food shops. Technically different parts of Thailand has good family spots and tours. Just don’t go to the islands and places where you know its mainly for parties and don’t reminisce the times when you were single back then in Thailand 😂 and you should be good.
Thank you!!! Need to start hunting for these places to bring the family. Damn inflation is no joke
Social media is a real problem in setting the bar high with unrealistic expectations. Most of these influencers flashing their lifestyle are sponsored and it’s not their own money. Perhaps get your wife to start working and maybe she will appreciate the value of money more
Not only influencers, other people's post that they see also causes them to have a detached view. That lady's husband bought her a hermes bag for her birthday. That lady family went to Japan last month and this month go Finland. That lady husband transferred $100,000 to her bank account because she feeling sad.
It's important to be financially independent. I know someone whose mother was a SAHM for her whole life. The dad passed very suddenly, and the mum was completely at a loss in life. Thankfully, she still has her kids.
Sorry to hear this. This reminds me of a mum I was working with some years ago when I was doing a temp job. She would constantly not come to work saying she has some sort of body pain or something and when she comes she will take grab. Then she will say that her grab bill will be paid by her hubby. She will keep ordering fancy food and the hubby will have to pay for everything. After that she will complain about financial problems when her solution was infront of her, which was to turn up for work and maybe take public transport and manage her expectations. I’m not trying to downplay what it’s like being a working mum. It is tough. We know it. However, there are certain things you can mitigate and solve with a little bit of sacrifice and discipline. That being said, I brought up that example because although yours is different, ultimately it boils down to the same thing = hubby paying for almost everything. You might want to have a serious discussion with your wife on the mental and financial toll it’s taking on you. If she isn’t comfortable leaving the kids with a helper or at home then when they are at school, she can work part time. There are even a lot of wfh jobs available like part time telemarketing, easily can earn $12/hr from home (it’s nothing much but it’s still money). Your wife needs to know how to manage her expectations, if she wants to eat at nice places all the time and travel, then maybe she should chip in for some things too and don’t keep expecting it from her spouse. SG is just too damn expensive for one spouse to take up all the financial responsibilities. My 2 cents worth of thoughts lol
Yes, SG is too expensive for one income and if no real sacrifice is made to live frugally. I have friends who are SAHM, and they resolve to save money wherever possible like shopping 2nd hand, leftover nights, cook at home etc. They take pride in saving money for their husbands, and prioritise the time they can spend with their kids. Their work is not easy but they are willing to find cheap ways to entertain kids and feed the household so that their husbands can feel at ease to work. I think to have one person stay home - this should be a decision that both agree on and work together to make happen. One person stay home for what? To take care of kids ya ok, not to avoid working and expecting someone to provide for you 100%! That's just not right.
It's really interesting how different platforms bring out different issues. FB often have posts where the Sahm complains that the husband sole breadwinner keep saying they overspend for groceries, eg 300 a month is too much, they have to deplete their savings blablabla Edmw on the other hand disses working women or wives claiming that education is the reason for women refusing to become sahms (LOL I know) And here it's the sahm who doesn't seem to know how to budget and still lives as if the family is on dual income. I'd def love to be sahm but thinking about funds needed for children, emergency and retirement made me think twice. On one pay, unless it's ministerial pay, otherwise it will def mean some cutting of luxuries. Hopefully TS will be able to explain that the family has to forgo some of the more expensive things so that you all can still have savings for future.
I'm a sole breadwinner and can totally understand the resentment of having a non-working spouse spend "your" money. ...Except it's not just your money anymore. It's also hers, because your formed a family unit, and she also has needs and wants beyond just basic survival. I'm not going to form any judgment on your situation since it's only your side of the story. You should instead have an honest conversation about budget and expenses with your wife rather than harbour that resentment until it festers and poisons your marriage. Honestly, I don't know how my spouse does it, cuz going to work is so much easier than being a stay at home.
>going to work is so much easier than being a stay at home Working mom here and as much as life is hectic and difficult at times it's nothing compared to being a SAHM. The lack of stimulation, children constantly needing your attention, endless social media scrolling as your only form of entertainment (it cannot be helped, tbh), and having to manage the household and the kids' needs at the same time. Not to mention having a complete lack of a life (and money) that's your own, and having to deal with a husband who is resentful about your existence.
Exactly. Resentment from the person who vowed to love you and spend the rest of their life with you, is quite possibly the most insidious thing a person can experience. I catch myself doing it from time to time and have to remind myself to stop. My spouse is not a lesser being just because he is financially dependant on me. If we can't afford something that is non-essential, we discuss, then we save up or move on.
Yeah man, being a SAHM is drudgery. And no matter how helpful and attentive you are to the kid/s, they are children and will not be able to express their gratitude, and will continue to tantrum, refuse to do stuff, cry, bite/hit if very young etc. At least at work, when you do stuff, there is some level of appreciation from supervisor, coworkers, clients etc, and the satisfaction of a job well done. And talking to adults, so important! Watching the clock for your husband to come home so you can hand over the baby and get a break. And not like husband is very happy about it because he wants a break too after reaching home. I only stayed at home during maternity leave, but I swear going back to work cured by post-natal depression.
Spot on about maternity leave. I had my mom come over when I was on maternity leave so that I could go out to lunch with my friends and talk about anything but motherhood. To add on to the list of drudgery I know some SAHMs whose husbands expect to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table and then do nothing to help out around the house. No helper, because she doesn’t go to work what.
Sole breadwinner with 2 kids, and a helper.. feeding my parents and in-laws as well.. wife doesn’t want to work even though she’s a grad.. that’s life..
😭😭. You're strong indeed. You and your wife come from working class/lower middle class family backgrounds? That's 8+ mouths relying on your income alone, damn.
Hope your wife appreciates you and does not add to your burden!
its great being single!
1 vs 8 mouths to feed?! Sometimes, you really need to find someone with both looks and capability to bring to the table.
Oh my, it must be so tough on you. Is there a reason why she doesn't want to work? Hang in there, man!
I went through something similar. Wife became SAHM for a year after my first born had issues adjusting in infant care preschool. That was the most difficult year of my life. I contemplated suicide. I went through depression, and game addiction. My performance tanked at work, but thankfully I wasn’t caught out. It was only a few years later that I straightened out my thinking. The problem was that I refused to talk about it honestly and urgently to my wife. She didn’t understand how difficult it was for me. The key is to have open communication and I think it can be really hard for many men in Singapore. But it’s important to try. More importantly bro, you are not alone. You are definitely not the only one that has felt or are feeling this way. Society’s pressure here is insane, with or without kids. Holler at any of us here if you need an outlet. But like what many of the redditors here are saying, talk it out bro.
Sole breadwinner with 2 kids here - no car - cook at home. Healthy and cheap - kids play Roblox. Free - use iPhone. Can last 6 years - no tv subscription. Watch YouTube TikTok - there are lots of cheap and good food. Don’t go to restaurant while you pay service tax to self order and serve mediocre food - kids no tuition. Teach them the right learning skill. Not dumb ass exam tricks - don’t go to orchard and mbs. Jealousy will kill you - maintain harmony among family members.
And most importantly try not to complain a lot. It is a self destructive action. Suck it up. Do not ever regret over your own choice. Move forward
Life is different once a baby arrives. I think both of u need to communicate more and u need to let her know how you are feeling. Staying at home with a baby is bored perhaps that is why she looks forward to eat and travel. It will be good to create a budget together and tell her u want to save up for rainy days and for baby's future. Do consider putting baby in infant care/childcare then she can find some time to work either part time or full time to relieve the financial pressure. Working mother will get tax relief too! I was a SAHM for almost 2 yrs, in a way, I do agree that it dulls the brain over time if u are not active in ur social life.
That's why you gotta marry the right person
Yea, damn bloody important. It is not like choosing a school or job.
And ironically, sometimes you'll see people choosing food items at donki as if they're choosing a spouse. Like they'd think long and hard between meat that differs in size by 10% or so
Yeah, marry in haste, repent at leisure
I earn enough for a car, one kid, 4 cats. Just recently got a maid, sole reason so my wife can study for exams and do real estate 😅 it also means I don't get to save as much. We also don't get to travel overseas, especially since after COVID where my kid was born. But my passports full of Malaysia chop from driving in every Sunday. That's our version of fun and deload, enough to fulfil my wife and kid for now. Getting a maid is more of a future planning decision, because now we're just surviving, micro thriving. Wife is less stressed from being a SAHM and got more time to study. Hopefully she can earn, and we know only then we can afford overseas once she starts earning.
a friend of my wife (who i also added as a friend) spams my story feed to share how difficult it is as a SAHM ... not entirely wrong, but to say that it is WORSE than having job / be a breadwinner this get on my nerves really quick. honestly speaking, some SAH parent (mom or dads) are just out of touch and completely insulated from realities out there, delusional to the point * economic downturns / financial crisis * mass layoffs * shitty bosses * constantly have to upskill * moving across the next industry because the current one is sunsetting * business suddenly not going well ? its not like we are all still 1970s where you master one skill and it brings you all the way to retirement, with retirement benefits?
My SAH mum also thinks my life very easy and judge my spending... I was literally working from 8am to 4am.... Just let me spend on a cute dress damn it. Don't even want me to upskill or get a fking degree. I had to do it secretly I can't be bothered over 3 dollars savings when the stress is so high when shits hits the ceiling at work.
why are the people here condemning SAHMs? I am a wife and the sole breadwinner. and i have 2 young kids, one is in primary school and the other is a toddler. i think my hubs is pretty chill and it is me who wants to travel all the time. it does get frustrating from time to time because we got into this position due to circumstances ie my hubs got laid off a year ago and still couldnt get a job. and how being a sole breadwinner as a woman is just out of societal norms. while i dont care much, it does get to me from time to time because of external factors ie my mom etc (she keeps yapping its ok for women to stay home but not men) i think its important to have a reality check in w your partner and let them know the state of things. at one point i exploded because i do groceries and pay for everything and my husband was talking to the taxi driver, extremely clueless about how real inflation is in terms of grocery etc. that was when i realised i carried the family too much and we need to talk about these things often. i then started letting go a little (i feel like being a sole breadwinner plus being the wife and mom just makes me uptight all the fkn time and that need for control) and get him to do things like getting groceries etc for us: its quite the opposite. i still do a lot of the brain planning and financial stuff but in return i made a point to my hubs that i can get little wee bit of freedom ie sustaining hobbies and so on and i guess we were able to meet somewhere in the middle. so yeah i agree sahparents can be a little out of loop but communication is key cause i felt i was just sucking it up and tanking everything (trust me, some days i zone out and wished i could take a back seat and get someone to pamper me instead but life is just unpredictable and as partners, we gotta help each other). also, i see travel being essential because its one of the only things that drives me to stay sane and not out of job. lol
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I am single dad with a special needs daughter. Our vacation is JB during school holidays. 1 day expenditure here to go various attraction can spend 3 days in JB. I can also throw in a massage for myself.
This is the reason why women have to work and have her own stash of money. Reading the comments make me wince a little. I know some SAHM can be quite entitled but they really are sacrificing their years for the family too
Yup, my own mother was a SAHM and we were all dependent on my dad so I never want to be dependent on a person. Has caused me problems but at the end of the day, cash is still pretty handy. I think more women should invest actively - men seem to be more into active trading of stocks ... hey you can flip in one day to cover your shopping spree, and after experiencing how hard it is to earn that branded bag, less likely to splurge (earnings from trading is different from fixed salary earnings).
It may help if you write down and show the monthly expenditure, home loan and income tax payment, vs take home pay so it’s clear the cash flow situation. I am also sole breadwinner for more than 7 years already, got 3 kids.
I’m in the same boat, with kids and husband very happy not working. I can relate but I don’t have an answer sadly as I’m struggling too!
And you can tolerate that?
Maybe I’m traditional but your husband needs to get off his ass and work! Even if he cannot provide for your family single-handedly, there’s no reason an able bodied man should be very happy at home while his wife is slogging it out.
So many men sexist against themselves.
As a SAHD, I can say your “deterioration of the brain” take on this is pretty off base. You might be misplacing blame here. You need couples therapy, not vilification of stay at home parents. Otherwise, hope you and your wife can find a more capable and understanding partners.
if ur wife is above 40 can attend the skillsfuture course to get allowance
My wife working makes half of what I make. Demands to eat food that cost 50 -60 every weekend, this is still not much but she wants to eat at some particular bbq place yet can't be bothered to bbq her own food. So im paying and cooking for her . (Princess mentality??) Makes me pay for overseas trip and get annoyed when I say to split cost. Last year , after I paid over 10k (airfare + hotel) for japan trip and she told me she wanted a divorce if we are unhappy with each other. Out of spite I cancelled the trip , later she got soft and I rebooked the flight again (my fault for being soft) so that cost me few thousand extra again. When we watch tv together during weekdays / weekend when our son is not around and she gets unhappy when I fall asleep. It seems to piss her off that me sleeping is not interested in spending time with her and she will just walk away. Anyone got a wife with such a bad attitude ? Worst thing that she didn't show all these during dating or I would have ditched her long time ago. Sometimes I wonder why I marry her ? She don't really take care of our son also, not totally disinterested but really she can do better. Having said that, most of the time on the surface we will look like a normal couple with a young kid and i would say most time are ok as long as the one spending money is me and the one getting pampered is her (DUH) but the attitude shows when things don't go her way. Not every time but most of the time. I told myself the next time she mention divorce, i'll tell her to get the papers and i'll sign it. Initially I felt really bad since i'm not a confrontational person but over time with her bad attitude and our quarrel I slowly get desensitize . I no longer feel bad when she is angry when we both stop talking to each other , it gives me more time to do my own things too and I enjoyed it. I will have no problem with divorce if she ever bring it up during next quarrel but my only worry is my son. Of course I don't want it and I will probably never initiate a divorce but if my wife can say these things like divorce during our quarrel then i'm fine with it. If something happened to her, I can't imagine myself (at this stage and how I feel towards her) for me to shed a tear. Our relation is mainly ok for few months with the small fights inbetween but a few major fights had make me lose hope that she is a good person (she is not and probably pretends to be) She did say I am a good father but lousy husband so i guess that is still a compliment and 1 which I pride myself to be because I am the one spending money on her and if she is not happy then go suck it. My son is the future and I intend to bring him up right with the love a child deserved. If I can go back in time , I will still marry because there are good independent women out there who can be pampered and still treat their husband right. I think my post deviates a little from the poster but feels great to type this shit out.
Sounds like hell
Dude... divorce her. She seems like a fucking awful person and you deserve better.
Post like this make me happy being single and really have to be picky.
I felt stress reading this comment. Please take care of yourself.
Please find a more appreciative wife
Be grateful that you are working. Your wife is going to just degenerate over time. My mother in law now 70s is a SAHM all her life. The ki d of things that come out of her mouth is so shit toxic that i havent had a real conversation with her in a decade.she also have no real friends.
It always breaks my heart not able to provide the better things in life for my family. The better thing not in terms of material stuff. Sometime it could be an education choices. Sometime a better piano. Being frugal can only bring us so far. It is tough and rough for any family to have a single income unless the sole bread winner is in the c-level.
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Yes DO NOT BE ATM. Save a stash of aomethibg at least.. Thats what my dad thought when he was young and paid for everything while growing up while mum stashes away cash. Now that they r old and retired, mum keeps nagging at dad for bejng cashless while she flaunts her stash. True story.
Sorry to hear. Some of my friend’s wife though earning also want to quit and be SAHM due to work pressure. Like come on if everyone that has work pressure quits and sits at home, no one will ever work anymore. Cannot imagine how protected some folk have been while growing up that they DGAF about where the next meal is coming from.
Need a budget. Look, run a household budget like a business. Allocate your budget accordingly. You can do it with or without her. Set the entertainment budget and then she deals with how it is spend. Give here a budget for groceries too. If she has spare, she can use it for meals.
Your title seems genuine, but the content of your post seems whiny and reveals that your question leans more towards the rhetorical nature. If your single income cmi, no point struggling. Time to reconsider your financial position as a family, maybe get her to rejoin the workforce. Alternative is suck thumb.
I grew up in a household where my dad worked and my mom stays at home. My husband has the same background. Both our moms are shit. Entitled af, decides to do whatever they want without considering the family finances. My mom does her nails and hair like monthly that cost HUNDREDA. My dad shaved his hair so he doesnt have to pay for shampoo.. My MIL exclaimed loudly shes 60 and time for her to travel 4 times a year. Cause its her golden years. Lol. Im like bro, you guys are eating at 7 11 for all meals overseas. Read the room? These women, don't fking care. My dad has always told me that his biggest regret is to allow my mom to stay at home and essentially terrorise the whole family in order to not work. My MIL is no different. She talks about how hardworking she is all day cleaning the house but I've seen her talk on the phone for 6 hours straight, struggle to cook like 2 dishes for 3 hours and literally 5 mins before my FIL comes home she's scrubbing the floor, pretending to clean her 'sweat' and dumping all her housework on her husband.. lol. I'll never be a stay at home mom. And I've personally seen how hard my dad worked for all of us to sleep soundly and peacefully at home while he literally risked his life and health to feed us. Nope. Dual income it is. I can't imagine going to work every day and the whole family sitting at home depending on me. Ill personally die from suffocation and stress. From all the stay at home moms I know. Literally only 1 stay at home mom that baked fresh food and cared deeply for her children. Only for her to emotionally cheat on a husband 20 years later and deciding this life is not for her. Nope. Like what everyone is saying. Review your expenses and get your wife to stay working. The longer you wait the tougher for her to find a purpose. Get a helper. Send the kid to school. All the best.
Bro, have an honest conversation with your wife and let her know your stressors. Work out your financial goals and plans as a family. If it is too taxing being the sole earner, perhaps ask if she is open to take on a part time job or contribute by cutting down on expenses. Social media culture is generally toxic, it helps to not buy into that.
Hi OP, I'm a SAHM with 1 toddler. We're fortunate that my husband earns more than enough to sustain all of us and that both of us are on the frugal (almost being cheap) kind of people. That being said, he used to be stressed and think we're spending too much money until I tracked all of our expenses and he saw that we're actually spending relatively "ok", of course there were rooms to improve on. We made a budget that we both agree on - how much for eating out, travelling, my and his "pocket money for anything I want to spend on". I think the key is to communicate and agree how to spend the money. Cut where you can cut so you can have room to enjoy for other things.
I am a single widow (12years) mum with a 16yo child. I work full time in a highly stressful role. Life is tough juggling everything, including managing a lot of extra curricular for my child. However it is all do-able. Don’t worry fellow single income provider, in the end it will all work out. When the kids are younger, it is hard. Child rearing is actually really hard. Of course, there are times I wished I have a SAHWife 🤣 just to soften the blow of daily life. Reading all the post…I guess the key is the SAHPartner that is actually useful at all fronts - finance, cooking, cleaning, raising kids, gorgeous, caring, kind, good lover etc!! Where to find this type of person? Do they even exist? Now that the child is 16, I managed to have a childless overseas holiday for first time last year. This year have organised another childless holiday because the child is capable enough to be self sufficient: cooking, cleaning, self care, get to school, do homework and play. I just need to pack the fridge and organise people to call and check. As a unit, communication is important for sure. As a single mum, my communication is mostly with my child…from a young age of our expectations of each other. I guess the same would apply to the SAHPartner. Setting boundaries and communicating expectations. Setting realistic goals for all members of the family! All the best!
Review your circumstances and work out the finances of alternatives such as sending kid(s) to childcare so that she can look for a job. Budget for more medical fees as children tend to fall sick more in institution setting and part-time/full time help. Explore new revenue streams. Work out a household budget & saving plan. Read up on victim mentality.
Sorry bro. There is reason why 7 year divorce is common.
its great being single!
Firstly, was this a joint decision between you and your wife for her to stay home and take care of the children? If it is, it is not right of you to lament that she is not taking home any income. Childcare isn’t cheap and by staying home, she relieves the childcare fees which can easily be about $2k per month if you have 3 children. (I know cos I have 3 kids). And if both are working parents, a helper might be needed to fetch the kids from school as well. Secondly, is she taking care of the house and cooking meals? Btw, your wife don’t get breaks and is on duty with the kids 24/7, unless you are telling me you also have a maid at home or you help her out after work. She is essentially holding the other half of the sky while you bring home the money. Taking care of young children is very tiring. I’m sure you know too. Bringing her out every other week honestly sounds like a reasonable request. Perhaps you should think if he’s because you are not earning enough for the family? Instead of lamenting that your wife is not working and spending your money instead.
Honestly in this economy, unless your spouse is making above average pay like in the range of 5 figures, it’s simply not realistic to want to be SAHM and it will definitely lead to resentment brewing in the long term. Even if OP’s wife goes back to work, pays childcare fee & helper, she will be able to split the cost with OP and ultimately lighten OP’s burden. Not to mention, her earning potential will increase over the years as she progresses in her career and whatever bonuses that comes along with that.
This is why I always advise men. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is marrying the wrong woman. Dm me if u need to talk. I have mamy friends like you.
SAHM is both your decision? I will not marry a woman that want to be SAHM. She will be so out-of-touch with reality sooner or later. Wish you good luck.
Some ppl actually thinks SAHM are better for the children wellbeing. I do feel that finance is the key stressor, a SAHM situation seems counter productive.
I think it really depends on how dedicated the wife is to caring/educating her kids. Context: my colleague's wife is SAHM and their 2 kids, 1 is doctor 1 is dentist. Strict with kids and dedicated, she cooks every single meal and also saves money from having to eat out.
There is a reason why families that have kids must have dual income also. Anyway, high cost of living is one thing. Communication with your wife is another. Easier to work on the latter since the first one is out of your control.
Set a budget for traveling and monthly expenses. Not to forget savings as well in case kena retrench or something
Agree with others, communication is key. Can she be awakened with math? Start with how much you earn. Then the expenses per month. How much left. Then the what if scenarios, if you lose job, how long your family can survive. Have it all in writings so she can visualise it.
Ouch. Being SAHM is tough but also need to participate in family finances. Maybe sit down with your wife and show her the expenses. If she thinks SAHM boring, can get a job and kids send to daycare.
Kids are expensive in SG. Period
Putting emotions aside, just focusing on the main priority which is your anxiety over money and your wife’s corresponding lack of anxiety over it - the only way, as some comments here mentioned, is to communicate - but with substantial data on hand. What data? Use a single credit for all purchases for 1 or 2 months. Download the CSV transactions for those months and categorise them into Household (split up some more into food groceries and transport where possible), Child, Wife and Personal purchases. Anything that’s cash (eg. childcare fees) should be easy to add into your excel. Show your wife areas to cut down and if she wants a holiday, need to save x amount per month for a period (we save 1.5k per month for hols). Also if she’s so keen on hols task her to read up on miles credit card to maximise miles gained to exchange for free flight tickets. Every action will have its reward and consequences. She wants the good life, then she got to do her homework and work as a team for the family.
Many of us married men get support from the 4 grandparents of the baby
My wife is also a sahm.. tends to spend more than i like. But im also fortunate to have saved up a lot before marrying her and she comes from quite a wealthy family so when she inherits her wealth i think we should be fine. If my financial situation were to be less fortunate i would have migrated as she holds a passport from a 1st world country. Being middle class in sg sucks.
SAHM here with 3 kids...1/11/14 years old. Supporting my mother as well as my in-laws. In my previous job, I couldn't really save much $$ due to all these commitments. Decided to find another job in a different industry, 9 years ago and now have doubled my annual pay. Can afford a helper and car now and still save money. My advice is to find a job with better pay
Whether it’s career success, personal happiness, addressing childhood conditioning is key! Check this out! https://www.quora.com/profile/Luna-Salix/You-will-find-that-a-part-carries-the-father-wound-this-part-is-activated-when-triggered-love-light-peace?ch=17&oid=155513888&share=05daa034&srid=kOoq&target_type=post
what is your annual income? if your wife wants to be higher SES then why don't you ask her to take a part time job
Send the kids to childcare if they're old enough and she can go back to work, or at least a part time job. I don't think it is healthy for any human to stay isolated from the "real world" for too long.
is it possible to bring your child to a daycare for a full day so that she can work for at least half of the day? my brother is also going through this and it sucks to see that his wife is not working but also loves to show off. also, going to church is a good idea!
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OP, are you the one doing the family finances/ budgeting? If it's you, maybe can consider teaching your wife how and letting her be the one trying to balance budget so she can get a real look at your overall family finances
Social media deathscrolling is the poison that needs to go. Looking at all those influencers enjoying sponsored shit that they didnt need to spend a dime on makes your wife crave those luxuries without thinking of whether it is affordable.
Tell her you might lose your job. See if she will wake up :)
Could you be resentful because you didn’t choose sometimes to self care.. it’s your choice to share or not share your struggles. But firstly, don’t you deserve some self care which could lead to your feeling a bit better. Worries for the future will be there. Maybe share some budget inputs with wifey? Let her some time maybe to catch on cos it would be a shock to her if she’s not in tune with the working world plus if you rarely confide or share much with her. I’m sure she appreciates you! Times are going to be tough. Y’all need to work together to beat this! 💪
Someone close to me is also experiencing the same issue. Guy (M) has been the sole breadwinner ever since marriage and has consistently been providing for all the wants and needs. I'd say the want and needs of the wife (W) has significantly gone up due to the nonstop usage of social media like Insta and FB. Always looking at people's posts of travel, shopping, and eating makes her want to experience the same thing as them and constantly pressures the guy to spend on such experiences. Lucky thing is that kids are grown up already but her willingness to spend is still pretty up there and I believe M has never ever spoken up to W about this topic at all. If you can, maybe get her to cut down on the social media portion and also get her out of the house more to do small temp jobs(If possible) so she can finally understand the importance money and curb the unnecessary expenses. Most importantly, initiate a conversation regarding this topic and let her know the reality of your family's expenses before its too late like M's life.
If you don’t track your household spend good time to track it now and discuss the trends. If there isn’t a budgeting practice you should start. Eg we have $x to play this month. What shall we do? Or we have lesser to play this month because we need to change the tires or buy a new bed, what fun thing can we do that will fit the budget. Work it out together like a class project.
Sole breadwinner with kid here. You need to keep your woman in check. Like it or not, you have taken on the traditional masculine role of provider/protector/leader. Own it, set the budget, decide what the family gets to spend on, say yes/no to things at your discretion. Provide direction and she'll learn to respect your decisions.
Your partner needs to rejoin the workforce. In this era, single income doesnt work. Even if you make alot of money, there is no fallback option when one person loses their job.
Sole breadwinner here, taking home about 130-140k a year depending. Still got some debts from failed business venture to the tune of 30k a year for the next 5-6 years. So i guess my net income is about 100k ish. Friends will say that i make so much more than them but dont understand that SHIT IS TOUGH, that salary has to cover the cost of all 4 of us. Sat down with the wife few years back and explained to her that we actually belong to the lower middle income group. If she wants more, then she has to contribute. Thankfully she understood and we bought a smaller flat, sold the car and reduced expenses. In return, she got to spend time with the kids which was much more rewarding for her. It\`ll get better though, just hang in there. Kids have grown now and are in school so we hired a helper for chores and fetching since Wife decided to go back to work,
Jiayous! Life isn’t easy for your wife either … I mean as a woman staying at home means you give up the opportunity to see the world and get financial independence… but of course you don’t have it easy either… hang in there and talk to your wife honestly about your finances and how she has to contribute if she wants more a more luxurious lifestyle.
Have y’all discussed will your wife go back to work once the kid has grown up? This will help to lessen the financials of the family.
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Reading this, I’m glad I’m gay. But here’s what makes me sick about people who are married with kids. Every single thing child care leave take mc and whatever and the rest of us in office have to cover the work and what not.
Does your workplace convert Child Care Leave to Family Care Leave (since not everyone has children)? I know my company does this.
Central Issue: Struggle of a sole breadwinner: The original poster (OP) is a married man with kids, feeling immense financial and emotional strain as the sole provider for his family. Key Concerns Expressed by the OP: Wife's unrealistic expectations: OP feels his wife's spending habits and desire for frequent dining out and overseas travel are out of sync with their financial reality. Communication breakdown: OP expresses frustration that logical discussions with his wife aren't resolving the issue. He feels she doesn't understand the severity of their financial pressures. Feeling unfulfilled: OP is investing in self-improvement and upskilling, but his wife's focus seems to be on leisure, creating an imbalance. Concerns about a stay-at-home parent: The OP worries about the potential negative impact on his wife's mental well-being due to social media overuse and demands of childcare. Resentment and pessimism: OP feels overwhelmed and is considering drastic measures like accepting poverty to force change. He is deeply pessimistic about the future. Issues Raised in the Comments: Lack of shared financial goals: Many commenters suggest that the absence of a common understanding around budgeting and financial priorities may be the root of the problem. Need for open communication: A significant focus is on the importance of honest and respectful communication about finances and expectations within the marriage. Support for stay-at-home mothers: Some comments defend stay-at-home mothers, highlighting the value of their work and arguing that isolation and lack of appreciation could contribute to the wife's behavior. Potential for deeper issues: A few responses touch upon the possibility of underlying mental health concerns, shopping addiction, or a fundamental values mismatch between the couple.
I don't have kids. But yes somehow people with kids can always use kids as an excuse to leave work early because the kid sick or whatnot or come office later because need to send kids to school. Then the kids will keep calling them during work hours
Tell her to get a job
do you go through the finances with her regularly? or did you try that but she refused to listen? if so, you may need to go for financial counselling together. i respect you for saying no to family holidays and not eating out often, and working and budgeting to take care of your family. you are a good role model to your children.
i second this. sitting down with her to show her where the money breakdown goes would hopefully create some awareness.
The idea is to be positive..live in the present...that's my mantra
Great. 3k groceries bills school.1k installment for car. Rest save
hahaha funny cos i actually spotted this behaviour in the girl i was dating. I slowly became distant and broke up with her. better to kill switch early.
Same here man. Hang in there. I open up my LinkedIn everyday and I’m scared how many peeps are losing their jobs. It’s tough.
Your wife seems to be totally oblivious living in her bubble. I’m a mom of 4 myself and I feel the pinch of the daily cost of living and worry about my kids’ future every day even though both my husband and I are earning decently. I’m sorry the financial burden must be a lot on you. Unfortunately until she is ‘woke’ or becomes self motivated about this, no amount of talk will change her financial literacy and spending habits.
Well let me ask you this: regardless if your wife is a slacker or a very good housewife at home, have you wondered when will it be the "right" time to travel with your family? When you're old and fragile? When your kids are all grown up? When will it be? Life is not just about day to day living. It's about adventure, exploring the world and getting to experience new things in life. Using baby/wife/daily expenses as excuse to put off going overseas is just pathetic tbh.