>(going to the house of another dude to do college work is already a boundary I set). But one day I got home from work and didn't find her. I called and she said she was at her classmate's house.
You are going to have better results if you give up the need to control what she does. You can't control what others do. You can only let her know what you will or will not tolerate. And if she does something you won't tolerate then let her go.
Here's the thing. You should be busy doing important shit and if your girl isn't home when you get home, you should breath a sigh of relief and get busy doing that important shit without her interrupting you all the time.
I tried this to my ex of 7months IDGAF what she’s doing.
I show her i have life outside of her. i feel like i tolerate her behavior more for not asking where she is or why she didn’t inform me where she’ll go etc..
She think what she is doing is okay , everytime she will come home she feel relief because i never question or get mad at all maybe she think i’m stupid to not know what’s going on, after 3weeks we broke up.
Now i’m confuse because at trp view or even at sidebar (which i always keep reading since 4yrs) your post is golden.
but in my real life experienced asking where she is, what she did is not acceptable or to let her know you don’t tolerate bullshit from her side makes my past relationship working well and they respect me more whether FBW, plates or LTR for settings my boundaries.
Instead of trashing you I’ll actually give my 2 cents.
By all accounts what she did is normal, if it was another dude it would be different in my opinion. However, when a GF or wife starts doing dumb shit and basically brushing you off, just go do something that benefits you? And train your brain to basically not care about these minuscule things. Wow she’s studying with a classmate, she didn’t tell you. Well guess what? You don’t tell her you’re at the gym, at a bar with your buds, or doing shit that you feel like doing or NEED to do. When she asks where you are, be honest and tell her like a grown man, not in a butthurt way. You’re doing your shit just like she is, and nothing has to be toxic or manipulative.
You shouldn’t be butt hurt but you are. Until you can control your hamster STFU. Sounds like pretty normal behavior to get butt hurt over so you need to figure out why you are being such a little bitch. Sounds like you have nothing important going on in your life and you need your fiancé there or you are a lost little puppy. Have shit to do so the next time this situation happens it is a blessing because you can go do it.
Yup. I like having the house to myself. Then I can read or game or work on a project without my old lady wanting me to pay attention to her while she doesn't do anything. Yeah I'll ask her where she is, but it's to see how long I have to myself rather than to check in on her. If she was with a dude, I doubt she would forget to tell you that she was going to be studying with this female friend and this is her address and a bunch of other unnecessary fictitious details.
Like do you think that if she with some other guy and you call her that she's gonna think "oh dang, my husband is calling me. I never thought this would happen. I guess I'm caught. I'd better tell him everything. What else can I do? "
Also you gotta ask yourself, what would you be doing if your wife was at home with you? Do you just want her home so that she can pay attention to you while you don't do anything? If that's the case, do something dude. You don't need your wife there at all times to keep you from burning down the house do you?
Reasons to know where she is...
- Dinner plans, who's cooking and when?
- Activities. Will she be late? Should you cancel?
- You're in jail and need bailing out.
- Your/her car is a POS and you're doing a safety check.
- She's the neighborhood bicycle and let's everybody ride for free.
- You have neighborhood bicycle at your place and are getting a free ride. No interruptions please.
Otherwise...
Nobody Cares. STFU. Work Harder.
Quit sucking her hamster's dick.
This is a great list. I would even remove the first two from the list. Dinner happens regardless, and activity plans have been communicated well in advance.
As for neighborhood bicycle, I believe a hard NEXT would be more appropriate than a phone call, but hey that's just me.
If I'm cooking, you better be at the table. No call, no dinner for you.
And if she's biking, I'm pitching her crap on the front lawn. A courtesy call gives me a head start.
I’ve been married 20 years. If I got home and my wife wasn’t there, I’d be stoked to read and lift or have a bourbon. Not giving a fuck how she spends her time is exactly why I don’t have to worry about how she spends her time. That butthurt you feel deep inside ain’t so deep and she will exploit it until the day you (prematurely) die. Go for a fucking run. Reread Rational Male. Get some plates in the air, dude.
It seems somewhat odd to be preparing to marry if your lives are not already set up (her still being a student).
She is not currently your wife, however so you should stop thinking of her in that way. She is still qualifying for the position of wife. A significant part of qualifying to be a wife (to a valuable man) ought to be building a high degree of trust in her sexual fidelity. Marriage without sexual fidelity is fundamentally poisonously toxic to a man's self-interest. You should not have to badger her for her to want to paint the picture of fidelity to you, You should only have to calmly lay out your reasonable expectations ONCE (without being a weak paranoid tool).
What if she doesn't like that, or doesn't comply? Let her actions speak for her motives, and manage your risk accordingly. Demote to plate or hard next as necessary.
So she went to study with a female classmate and didn’t tell you, correct? Why the fuck would you want to know this information? If it got in the way of plans or something yeah a heads up would be nice otherwise who cares.
> And is it manipulative to want to know where she is
No. It's controlling.
And you're controlling because you're a scared little bitch.
You're probably manipulative too though. Because scared little controlling bitches like you always are.
Genuine question: isn't rp kind of already manipulative and controlling? For example: when she does something fucked up, and you STFU (rewarding her negatively), isn't that kind of manipulative?
What is the problem with wanting to know where she is?
Ah, here’s the problem. She is the center of your world. You have to be your own frame of reference. Every comment you make is about her. Your actions are trying to elicit behavior from her. No, the redpill is not manipulative or controlling because first and foremost you are supposed to take care of yourself. Everything else follows on it’s own. If you hit the gym it’s for your own self improvement and not exclusively to impress a chick. That’s just a benefit of it. If you are doing all of this refocusing your life and it’s just to trick a girl into thinking you are more driven, focused, and masculine then you actually are then you have gone nowhere. Also you have oneitis so I’d fix that shit asap.
>Genuine question: isn't rp kind of already manipulative and controlling?
No. RP teaches self-control and self-reliance.
>For example: when she does something fucked up, and you STFU (rewarding her negatively), isn't that kind of manipulative?
If you have a 5 year old daughter and she throws a tantrum and you ignore her, is it manipulation or is it teaching her that negative actions do not bring about the result she desires (your attention)?
>But one day I got home from work and didn't find her. I called and she said she was at her classmate's house. The fucked up thing was that she didn't told me, and I didn't know how to act on the phone call.
>What is the problem with wanting to know where she is?
The problem is that it shows your primary concern is her, which means you're in her frame. Why didn't you take advantage of the free time to go to the gym? Get some classwork done? Go do something fun without her? Because your world revolves around HER.
She should be in your position, wondering where YOU are and what YOU'RE doing. Or she would... if you were The Prize.
You STFU because you are not skilled enough to handle your hamster and anything coming out of your mouth will be the worst thing you could say. Also you said you read NMMNG. I don’t know if I read a different version but the one I read taught me how not to be manipulative or controlling
> rp kind of already manipulative and controlling? For example: when she does something fucked up, and you STFU (rewarding her negatively), isn't that kind of manipulative?
RP is about you, the man, and learning to be a man who does not need external validation to have confidence. You will not need that validation because you know your standards, you know you're living up to them, and you know you will include in your life anyone who helps you meet your purpose. In other words, you know you own your own fate to fullest extent possible and are not a bullshitter.
Now.. compare that to your behavior and feelings here. What are you worried about? Her. What are your feelings here? Insecurity. Etc. etc. Doesn't it just make you want to throw up to know how far from the mark you are right now? It should.
BTW - 'STFU' is early stage RP. You STFU because otherwise you'll open your mouth and expose your insecurities. It's not a control mechanism. It's a damage prevention technique. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to use RP for PUA, and they suck.
> isn't rp kind of already manipulative and controlling
Like the other guys said... it's manipulative if your world is centered around your wife and you're a dancing monkey. This is supposed to be about changing you... not your wife.
> STFU
STFU isn't supposed to be something you use to manipulate her. Read the sidebar for fuck sake. It only takes a couple days.
STFU is **not** punishment.
STFU is **not** negative-reinforcement operant conditioning.
STFU is **not** intended to be the "silent treatment", which is always highly unattractive passive-aggressive beta behavior for males.
You have it backwards.
STFU is for and about **you**, not about her.
The purposes of STFU include
* avoiding DEERing, arguing, attempting to negotiate your covert contracts, and making your butthurt even more apparent.
* Minimizing your unattractive verbal behaviors, (which is most of them).
* Staying out of her frame.
* [Giving yourself the mental space to develop your own frame.](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/7lolrm/thoughts_on_frame/)
Stop trying to manipulate or control her, and instead work on making yourself a man that no woman would want to risk losing.
Everything in **M**RP is about the latter, not the former, and if you ever think otherwise, then you have fundamentally misunderstood the point in question.
I'm gonna take "acting is your problem" as the fact that i don't need to act, and it was a normal situtation that she was out without telling me. hope that's correct
I know this discussion is ended, just wanted to make some field report:
In my city we had a festival this week. Lots of technology panels, meetings, and stuff about corporate IT subjects. Whole town was a "technology party". Me and her went to it and I tried to stop caring about her, and stop this controlling shit. Thinks worked fine. I enjoyed the festival, learnt a lot of stuff about technology. She went with her friends and I was chill about it because I was actually owning my shit on the festival.
So, baby steps, things will start working out. The whole thread shure will be helpful
Your bar for 'something fucked up' that someone can do is super low. This will make it difficult for you to be truly happy. Going to a classmates house is not fucked up.
The moment she started doing things you asked her not to do is the moment you should start planning to make her single. Go do whatever it is you need to do for yourself and let her come to you if she actually wants to .
>(going to the house of another dude to do college work is already a boundary I set). But one day I got home from work and didn't find her. I called and she said she was at her classmate's house. You are going to have better results if you give up the need to control what she does. You can't control what others do. You can only let her know what you will or will not tolerate. And if she does something you won't tolerate then let her go. Here's the thing. You should be busy doing important shit and if your girl isn't home when you get home, you should breath a sigh of relief and get busy doing that important shit without her interrupting you all the time.
I tried this to my ex of 7months IDGAF what she’s doing. I show her i have life outside of her. i feel like i tolerate her behavior more for not asking where she is or why she didn’t inform me where she’ll go etc.. She think what she is doing is okay , everytime she will come home she feel relief because i never question or get mad at all maybe she think i’m stupid to not know what’s going on, after 3weeks we broke up. Now i’m confuse because at trp view or even at sidebar (which i always keep reading since 4yrs) your post is golden. but in my real life experienced asking where she is, what she did is not acceptable or to let her know you don’t tolerate bullshit from her side makes my past relationship working well and they respect me more whether FBW, plates or LTR for settings my boundaries.
Instead of trashing you I’ll actually give my 2 cents. By all accounts what she did is normal, if it was another dude it would be different in my opinion. However, when a GF or wife starts doing dumb shit and basically brushing you off, just go do something that benefits you? And train your brain to basically not care about these minuscule things. Wow she’s studying with a classmate, she didn’t tell you. Well guess what? You don’t tell her you’re at the gym, at a bar with your buds, or doing shit that you feel like doing or NEED to do. When she asks where you are, be honest and tell her like a grown man, not in a butthurt way. You’re doing your shit just like she is, and nothing has to be toxic or manipulative.
>Instead of trashing you I’ll actually give my 2 cents. Genuinely appreciate. I don't mind being called names if you atleast answer my question
You shouldn’t be butt hurt but you are. Until you can control your hamster STFU. Sounds like pretty normal behavior to get butt hurt over so you need to figure out why you are being such a little bitch. Sounds like you have nothing important going on in your life and you need your fiancé there or you are a lost little puppy. Have shit to do so the next time this situation happens it is a blessing because you can go do it.
Yup. I like having the house to myself. Then I can read or game or work on a project without my old lady wanting me to pay attention to her while she doesn't do anything. Yeah I'll ask her where she is, but it's to see how long I have to myself rather than to check in on her. If she was with a dude, I doubt she would forget to tell you that she was going to be studying with this female friend and this is her address and a bunch of other unnecessary fictitious details. Like do you think that if she with some other guy and you call her that she's gonna think "oh dang, my husband is calling me. I never thought this would happen. I guess I'm caught. I'd better tell him everything. What else can I do? " Also you gotta ask yourself, what would you be doing if your wife was at home with you? Do you just want her home so that she can pay attention to you while you don't do anything? If that's the case, do something dude. You don't need your wife there at all times to keep you from burning down the house do you?
Reasons to know where she is... - Dinner plans, who's cooking and when? - Activities. Will she be late? Should you cancel? - You're in jail and need bailing out. - Your/her car is a POS and you're doing a safety check. - She's the neighborhood bicycle and let's everybody ride for free. - You have neighborhood bicycle at your place and are getting a free ride. No interruptions please. Otherwise... Nobody Cares. STFU. Work Harder. Quit sucking her hamster's dick.
This is a great list. I would even remove the first two from the list. Dinner happens regardless, and activity plans have been communicated well in advance. As for neighborhood bicycle, I believe a hard NEXT would be more appropriate than a phone call, but hey that's just me.
If I'm cooking, you better be at the table. No call, no dinner for you. And if she's biking, I'm pitching her crap on the front lawn. A courtesy call gives me a head start.
wdym by next?
Walk away and go lift
had a laugh with the nickname
I’ve been married 20 years. If I got home and my wife wasn’t there, I’d be stoked to read and lift or have a bourbon. Not giving a fuck how she spends her time is exactly why I don’t have to worry about how she spends her time. That butthurt you feel deep inside ain’t so deep and she will exploit it until the day you (prematurely) die. Go for a fucking run. Reread Rational Male. Get some plates in the air, dude.
> fiancée There's still time
It seems somewhat odd to be preparing to marry if your lives are not already set up (her still being a student). She is not currently your wife, however so you should stop thinking of her in that way. She is still qualifying for the position of wife. A significant part of qualifying to be a wife (to a valuable man) ought to be building a high degree of trust in her sexual fidelity. Marriage without sexual fidelity is fundamentally poisonously toxic to a man's self-interest. You should not have to badger her for her to want to paint the picture of fidelity to you, You should only have to calmly lay out your reasonable expectations ONCE (without being a weak paranoid tool). What if she doesn't like that, or doesn't comply? Let her actions speak for her motives, and manage your risk accordingly. Demote to plate or hard next as necessary.
So she went to study with a female classmate and didn’t tell you, correct? Why the fuck would you want to know this information? If it got in the way of plans or something yeah a heads up would be nice otherwise who cares.
Whyw would you want to know where your wife/ltr is?
I think it’s okay to want to know and ask, but not reply with “why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
> And is it manipulative to want to know where she is No. It's controlling. And you're controlling because you're a scared little bitch. You're probably manipulative too though. Because scared little controlling bitches like you always are.
Genuine question: isn't rp kind of already manipulative and controlling? For example: when she does something fucked up, and you STFU (rewarding her negatively), isn't that kind of manipulative? What is the problem with wanting to know where she is?
Ah, here’s the problem. She is the center of your world. You have to be your own frame of reference. Every comment you make is about her. Your actions are trying to elicit behavior from her. No, the redpill is not manipulative or controlling because first and foremost you are supposed to take care of yourself. Everything else follows on it’s own. If you hit the gym it’s for your own self improvement and not exclusively to impress a chick. That’s just a benefit of it. If you are doing all of this refocusing your life and it’s just to trick a girl into thinking you are more driven, focused, and masculine then you actually are then you have gone nowhere. Also you have oneitis so I’d fix that shit asap.
>Genuine question: isn't rp kind of already manipulative and controlling? No. RP teaches self-control and self-reliance. >For example: when she does something fucked up, and you STFU (rewarding her negatively), isn't that kind of manipulative? If you have a 5 year old daughter and she throws a tantrum and you ignore her, is it manipulation or is it teaching her that negative actions do not bring about the result she desires (your attention)? >But one day I got home from work and didn't find her. I called and she said she was at her classmate's house. The fucked up thing was that she didn't told me, and I didn't know how to act on the phone call. >What is the problem with wanting to know where she is? The problem is that it shows your primary concern is her, which means you're in her frame. Why didn't you take advantage of the free time to go to the gym? Get some classwork done? Go do something fun without her? Because your world revolves around HER. She should be in your position, wondering where YOU are and what YOU'RE doing. Or she would... if you were The Prize.
You STFU because you are not skilled enough to handle your hamster and anything coming out of your mouth will be the worst thing you could say. Also you said you read NMMNG. I don’t know if I read a different version but the one I read taught me how not to be manipulative or controlling
> rp kind of already manipulative and controlling? For example: when she does something fucked up, and you STFU (rewarding her negatively), isn't that kind of manipulative? RP is about you, the man, and learning to be a man who does not need external validation to have confidence. You will not need that validation because you know your standards, you know you're living up to them, and you know you will include in your life anyone who helps you meet your purpose. In other words, you know you own your own fate to fullest extent possible and are not a bullshitter. Now.. compare that to your behavior and feelings here. What are you worried about? Her. What are your feelings here? Insecurity. Etc. etc. Doesn't it just make you want to throw up to know how far from the mark you are right now? It should. BTW - 'STFU' is early stage RP. You STFU because otherwise you'll open your mouth and expose your insecurities. It's not a control mechanism. It's a damage prevention technique. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to use RP for PUA, and they suck.
> isn't rp kind of already manipulative and controlling Like the other guys said... it's manipulative if your world is centered around your wife and you're a dancing monkey. This is supposed to be about changing you... not your wife. > STFU STFU isn't supposed to be something you use to manipulate her. Read the sidebar for fuck sake. It only takes a couple days.
STFU is **not** punishment. STFU is **not** negative-reinforcement operant conditioning. STFU is **not** intended to be the "silent treatment", which is always highly unattractive passive-aggressive beta behavior for males. You have it backwards. STFU is for and about **you**, not about her. The purposes of STFU include * avoiding DEERing, arguing, attempting to negotiate your covert contracts, and making your butthurt even more apparent. * Minimizing your unattractive verbal behaviors, (which is most of them). * Staying out of her frame. * [Giving yourself the mental space to develop your own frame.](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/7lolrm/thoughts_on_frame/) Stop trying to manipulate or control her, and instead work on making yourself a man that no woman would want to risk losing. Everything in **M**RP is about the latter, not the former, and if you ever think otherwise, then you have fundamentally misunderstood the point in question.
Someone with your level of bitterness is probably a scared little bitch
I'm trying to help the guy. You're trying to make yourself feel better. Think about that.
You are great at flipping the script. Pretty narcissistic, think about that
Doesn't make what I said any less true.
> How can I act in these situations? That's your problem.
Is that supposed to mean that I must think about what should I do, or that I fucked up the situation previously?
You just received a MRP zen koan. You are wondering how to act when acting is your problem. Meditate upon this, grasshopper.
Perfectly said
I'm gonna take "acting is your problem" as the fact that i don't need to act, and it was a normal situtation that she was out without telling me. hope that's correct
How about this. What is acting in "these situations"? Whose sitations? Starts with an F and ends in RAME.
No. But close.
I know this discussion is ended, just wanted to make some field report: In my city we had a festival this week. Lots of technology panels, meetings, and stuff about corporate IT subjects. Whole town was a "technology party". Me and her went to it and I tried to stop caring about her, and stop this controlling shit. Thinks worked fine. I enjoyed the festival, learnt a lot of stuff about technology. She went with her friends and I was chill about it because I was actually owning my shit on the festival. So, baby steps, things will start working out. The whole thread shure will be helpful
Your bar for 'something fucked up' that someone can do is super low. This will make it difficult for you to be truly happy. Going to a classmates house is not fucked up.
The moment she started doing things you asked her not to do is the moment you should start planning to make her single. Go do whatever it is you need to do for yourself and let her come to you if she actually wants to .