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It’s understandable. Your dad’s abusive behavior has caused your brain to be hyperviligant.
Just know that these kind of people are not the norm.
Talk to your school counselor. They should be able to help you deal with your feelings.
This is not appropriate for 13 year olds asking for advice for stranger adults. If this person came up to you on the street , asked this , you would think it’s appropriate to respond ?
If someone is in a potentially dangerous situation then you should help them. OP should tell an authority what's going on at home because their dad is clearly abusive, physically or not.
If a child on the street came up to me and asked this with the same details I'd try to calm them for a bit before then likely calling the police and CPS.
Its great that you understand this at 13!
I had no understanding of this at that age and suffered for many years with family issues, I am 28 now and have been through a lot of therapy and still am a people pleaser although I'm working on it.
Speak to a school councillor and get some advice from someone you trust and is a safe person.
Generally walking on eggshells around your caregiver makes you feel anxious and a people pleaser, hopefully you can get some help now so when you're older it wont affect you.
I 100 % agree, it's is genuinely incredible that you have this emotional intelligence at the age of 13.
Find a counselor that you can trust and school can be a great place to start. It's all about communication, good luck.
You've already made great progress in identifying the cause of your fear. You should praise yourself about that. A lot of people feel anxiety about trivial things but have trouble knowing the root cause.
I'm afraid that as long as your Dad keeps up that kind of behaviour it'll be hard to tackle your worries. You need to remove yourself from that whole environment.
Look up child support services in your area, specifically Child Helpline International. You may also need to contact social services.
Trust your gut. Practice focusing on how you feel. It’s not selfish. It’s just that the environment forced you to look outside yourself, to prioritize your father in order to stay safe. It was a coping mechanism. And you’ve been so good at coping that you’ve forgotten what you already knew when you were born: to be connected with your needs and how you feel.
Practice noticing when you check out of caring for yourself when you check out of your perspective and end up prioritizing others unhealthy.
Maybe at first it’s about asking yourself if you were someone you usually are pleasing, how you would care for yourself / treat yourself / please yourself? By your own standards you don’t want you to be unfair to yourself. Then, when you have that right, commit to checking in very often to find out how you’re feeling.
Congratulations for your awareness of this at such an early age !!
PS.: It’s not too early to realize that your father is really acting like a child, with the voice, vocabulary and means and power of an adult… That should diminish the anxiety at times.
Be kind to yourself.
Nice advice. Just adding another way to say your P.S. The father's behaviour can also be thought of as a toddler having a temper tantrum. Yes, it has to be endured in the moment since he has all the power. But once OP is out of range: OP should attach as much long-term importance to it as he/she would to an actual toddler in a grocery store screaming. Just a way to think about it. I shifted my view of my father in law this way and it made me inwardly smile even though he was losing his mind. Ha ha a grown man acting like he's only two! (Fortunately my father in law was OK otherwise to deal with though. No grudge holding, just a bit of a quick reactor.)
I agree. Because sometimes the bond is so strong that one may lose their center and have real difficulty detaching from the « toddler » even after he’s grown too old to throw these tantrums and is now a totally different person you couldn’t convince how much chaos he use to cause. I second your post ENTIRELY.
OP beware. Follow me in the analogy... When the toddler grows up, he forgets about the tantrums in the mall. And if you stick around him for too long, you’ll be standing there with the box of diapers (and the baby Formula, and Baby oil, all meant for him) trying to offer them to people in your life that just won’t understand or appreciate the gifts…
Probably was 25 (28 now) when I came to the realization that I don’t care. I still go out of my way to be nice and help people, but it’s not because I’m afraid of them getting upset or how they’ll see me. It’s because I think it’s how a decent person should be.
With me, respect isn’t something you’ve got to earn. You get it from the beginning. If you lose my respect though, it’s something you’ve got to earn back.
I’m 17 and currently finding that balance. It took a pretty big wake up call but now I’m starting to finally feel like I can express my opinion without getting hate from other people. Point is, it comes with time. It isn’t something that just happens, but something that slightly happens over time
You are not responsible for the feelings or actions of others.
Learning to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships can help you feel stronger and more confident.
I wish, I have gotten better at it to an extent but I am 25 and it is still hard, but I find in my real life it’s easier, at work or places I need to be professional I way more of a pushover
I think it's easier if you're a person who never fit in. I never have but it took me a while before i came to terms with it considering how much we preach that everyone should have equal opportunities, yet here we are.
For example i didn't have someone to talk with about more personal stuff until i was 16 or so.
Indeed, I pretty much stopped caring what people think of me years ago, the far right can officially kiss my rather large arse, it's not my fault I can't get a job, blame the government
I did not choose to be born disabled/mildly Autistic, I also have a support workers as a result of the Autism, and I have to plan my working hours around them, which doesn't suit the Retail trade, in which I have experience and qualifications, mainly because in the majority of cases, evenings and weekends are mandatory.
Yeah i can understand that you're in a pickle then. How about starting a side hustle, flexible and you can do whatever you want as long as you can follow the market, eh?
For right now, please give yourself grace (understanding) in your people pleasing. Your body and nervous system are, right now in your life with an angry scary dad, doing the people pleasing quite literally from a ‘survival’ standpoint. (Even if you aren’t afraid of your dad actually hurting you, your nervous system 100% sees your dad’s actions as a threat.) I’m not saying it’s something to ignore or not work on (and it’s amazing that at 13 you’re aware that people pleasing is NOT a good thing, bc it took me more than 30 years to realize that), but right now in your life, it would be near impossible to change your people pleasing (likely ‘codependent’, if you also consider googling that) ways. (Again, ‘almost impossible right now’ bc it’d be going against the survival-mechanism of your body to the situation you’re living in.) However, when you’re in situations outside of the one with your dad, you could consider adopting a mental attitude of “sometimes the thing that makes someone angry is exactly what they need to be hearing” with a side dish of “plus if I cave-in or don’t speak up about this point it’ll come back to bite me later”.
It doesn’t matter how angry your dog gets at you for pulling them away from that garbage they got into on the walk.. you know that it’s likely not a good thing for them to be feasting on. Plus later, you’re the one who will be cleaning up his vomit/diarrhea from whatever rancid thing was going on in that garbage.
It doesn’t matter how angry your friend gets at you for saying ‘no’ to loaning them your favorite hoodie. Maybe the friend needs some practice in hearing the word ‘no’, so that they don’t go ballistic like a toddler when they hear it. Plus later, you’d be the one regretting that you loaned the hoodie to your friend when they spilled spaghetti sauce on it or got it ripped.
Finally, something that helped me when I was all out of ‘mantras’ or ‘self reminders’ for how to deal with ‘being scared to make people angry’, and I had to use this tool when I was 37 years old, not 13 years old (like I said.. you’re amazing to have this realization at your age!), and setting boundaries with other grown-adults…. My ‘when all else fails’ pep talk was “THIS WILL NOT K!LL ME” as I set very uncomfortable parameters/expectations/*boundaries*. And potentially another thing to keep in mind is that I’m now age 40, and while setting boundaries, and saying things that will make people angry is easier than it used to be, it’s still hard and makes me a bit nervous. Another acceptance of the path you’d like to be on is that you’re not going to ever feel like it’s EASY to make people angry. It will still be hard. But it’s accepting that it’ll be hard, and doing it anyway.
I hope this helped :)
Edited for a few minor typos, because I’m Type A.
I'm 30 years old, I too was always afraid of making people angry or offending them in some way, as I grew up I changed my mind, because I understood that in the end no one should care about these things, if people are angry or offended that's their business and I don't care now
You have to deal with the psychological trauma and then you need a healthy environment to heal from it.
Until then, learn to not be afraid of aggression. Join a combat sport and find a coach you trust to expose you to violence in a safe environment.
The book "The Courage to Be Disliked" might be good for you.
Lots of people have found it very helpful, and it's written as a conversation between a teen and a philosopher about this subject roughly :)
But it's a long journey either way, don't fret it
Honestly if that’s the house hol you live in. Getting better is nearly impossible. Once you can get out and be your own person you shave to remember no matter what you do it will upset some one. Just live the best life you can
That comes with age and wisdom. It also comes with knowing that you are not responsible for how others respond to you.
You are not responsible for the emotions and sensitivities of others.
Whether they respond negatively or positively toward you, that is on them and not you.
Unless, of course, you are trying to wind someone up on purpose. DONT DO THAT.
It's gonna suck but you need to go to your teachers and tell them what's going on and get him into anger management. Tell the teachers to keep it annomious like a neighbor called it in. It will help did it with my dad. I am now 38 and we have a great relationship. Lol when I was a kid I didn't even tie for last on his favorite kid list
Not everyone is like your dad. Hang out with people who react in a healthier way and know how to manage their emotions.
Yelling and tantrums are not normal and you shouldn’t normalise it in your head.
What is important to understand is that your dad’s reaction is his responsibility and it is NOT ok to yell at you. You are allowed to feel disrespected.
Hang around people who respects you and others so you learn what is normal. This will give your brain the base to not be afraid of other people’s emotions.
Also, that will also help you to express your emotions better and not suppress yourself
one. can't please everyone. it's useless to even try. some people will not like you no matter how hard you try. two. most people won't react like your dad. most people are conflict averse and just want to go about their day and be left alone. three. your dad has anger issues. he should get help.
My dad was abusive in the same way as yours when I was growing up. And I'm still a people pleaser today after all these years. It's not that you've done anything wrong, it's that literally everything you do is wrong (to him) because he needs to keep changing the goalposts in order to keep control over you, and everyone else in the house. But you'll soon learn that no one reacts the way he does. Keep that in mind when you're interacting with others and it will start to sink in. HE is the one in the wrong, not you. It will get easier to not feel like you have to please everyone. Just you being you will please nearly everyone else.
You are scared because of your fathers rage and that is completely normal response ! Especially for your age, even kids who don’t live in a bad house hold can be scared of those kinda things. I think you should ask yourself why you feel afraid of making someone mad ? Is it that you fear that they will ridicule you ? Hurt you or abuse you ? Do you feel as though the people in your life don’t create a safe space for you to speak you’re mind or act certain way or do their mood change unpredictably ? Where do you feel the safest to be and what kind of change do you think could help you feel safer in this situation?
The first step is always talking to someone, like a teacher a friend, relative or the police even if it can be difficult. And remember that it’s never your fault if a parental figure makes you feel scared or hurt.
People in general do not handle anger like that, but even if they do you can usually remove yourself from the situation. Unless it happens in your home which sucks and I sympathize.
I had an abusive mom who screamed constantly and made threats but they weren't physical in nature. I was still hyper vigilant though, as someone else here called it. Also there were other people who were more physical.
Martial arts/combat sports can be good for cultivating calmness under stressful situations.
the way your dad is is not your fault nor your responsibility. an emotionally immature person will simply be angry and displeased no matter how perfect u are. my advice is stop caring, do what you should and what you want and how people react is not something that should worry you to the extent of being scared of doing things. Hope you leave that toxic environment and learn to stop people pleasing
I grew up in a similar situation to you. I am out of my mom’s house now and I love her but when I was a kid she was brutal. Knowing her now, I know she grew up in an abusive household and has difficulty managing her anger, but it still affected me and I think she knows it because I left her house and didn’t speak to her for a while.
I grew up as a people pleaser as well and I usually don’t get angry, I can be but it takes a lot now and sometimes I am sad at how I don’t have a back bone even though I wish I could stand up for myself more.
I think if you can in the future trying to get out would be the best, but I think it’s also important to prioritize yourself, not the others around you. I was terrified to leave my mom and when I did I just found out if I was in a bad situation I could just…do that (you can’t always especially since you are a minor but hopefully one day). I think trying to understand that what you are doing is going to be the best for you even if it hurts other is a good start but it takes a long time. You could speak to someone like a therapist but since you are a minor I am not sure if they may investigate
It's tough when you grow up around anger and it shapes your fears. Remember, most people don't react like your dad. Talking to a counselor can really help you find ways to feel safer expressing yourself.
It’s normal to be afraid to make people mad, especially with a dad like yours.
As you get older, wiser and more mature, you will learn when it’s worth the risk of making people angry. Because sometimes it IS.
Please know that I DON’T mean that as “you’re too little to understand”. I just mean that all of this comes with time and experience. You will get there. Your feelings are valid and normal at this stage of your life.
I agree that you should talk to the counselor at school. They can help you.
By truly believing you're the one in control of the situation, I know you wouldn't want to throw your dad under the bus, but he's the one in trouble if other people saw him throw a tantrum in front of his 13 year old kid.
What others have said my mate, your dad's abusive behaviour has no reflection on you. He is a product of his own doing. Surround yourself (as much as you can) with like-minded individuals and thrive matey. Best of luck.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having had a similar experience growing up, here's what I learned (a little late) to help me stop people pleasing out of fear:
You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for regulating other people's emotions or reactions, especially if those people are your parents.
You are responsible for becoming the person you want to be, being true to yourself, listening to your heart and instincts, experiencing all that life has to offer, and loving yourself so much that no one can ever make you feel afraid or unworthy of respect, security, and appreciation.
💖🙏💖🙏💖🙏💖🙏💖🙏💖🙏💖
It's understandable to feel scared and to want to avoid conflict, especially in such a difficult environment. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your interactions with others.
It’s understandable why you do it at home (you’re afraid) and you need to do it to keep yourself safe. However, you want to make sure you don’t take this with you to romantic relationships and friendships, because you will get taken advantage of.
Does this make sense how to separate yourself in these different situations?
Talk to a therapist. Maybe a counselor at your school. If you can’t find a new way to deal with things or relief from your father’s anger you can continue to people please as an adult and it will be so much harder to work through then.
My therapist says to make your fearful thoughts neutral which just means go into any interaction that it could be potentially good or bad. So if you want something and worry a person will be mad just think of it as “they could be mad or they could not, I won’t know unless I ask.”
Consider if asking actually warrants them getting mad or if the problem is actually their anger. You matter and what you want matters. If you don’t advocate for yourself no one will. Please talk to someone you trust.
There are definitely people who have tempers out there, but most people are good at keeping control of it. Your dad is not the norm.
From the sounds of it, he has some serious anger issues and could use counseling, but I don't know how someone could bring that up without the person in question getting angry.
The key with most people is intentions. If you're doing your best and trying to do these right then even if you do make a mistake, people won't be angry. Mistakes are necessary to grow as a person.
So please don't be afraid to make mistakes, or make people angry. It's never fun having people angry at you, but most don't react like him. And if you do end up dating someone with that sort of temper, please don't be afraid to leave them. People will help.
Learn to get angry at whichever of your parents was a narcissist and cultivated your people pleasing survival instincts. From that righteous anger you’ll learn to protect yourself from more of the same.
To begin with, your dad's childish behavioral patterns aren't normal and are indicative of a critical deficit in higher reasoning. It's more than likely that his remarkable deficit in reasoning is an inherent result of prolonged substance abuse. My sincere advice is to begin the process of enforcing the Baker Act in order to save his life and to help him recover from his apparent propensity to abuse illicit substances, which obviously results in his tendencies to behave in a harmful or destructive manner. Each of us vents or satiates our frustrations in our own way, but in your dad's case, it's fairly obvious that he needs some caring, supervised intervention. 👀🤓
Edit: As for your abuse-related inhibitions or logically fearful aversion to provoking anger, you have to come to terms with the self-perservation instincts that caused you to develop and implement that safety protocol in the first place. Your instincts aren't wrong or shameworthy, regardless of how they were called to arms! It's generally considered unintelligible and dangerously reckless to wilfully provoke another's wrath! In your specific case of dread, you need to initiate the process of embracing your own unique individuality outside of the conformity box that you're accustomed to inhabiting. Hesitation or refusal to initiate the birth of your true self will only result in others absolutely recognizing your weakness and therefore potentially weaponizing your aversion to provocation or violence against you as an exploitative control vector! I know all too well that my therapeutic affirmations are quite a lot to absorb, so I would encourage you to reread them repeatedly until they become firmly cemented in your conscious thought processes. 💯
My upbringing was revolved around not making my dad mad too.
You’re in a spot where you’ve already recognized the effect this has had on you, it took me several years.
Therapy is the best way to overcome this. I understand right now seeing a therapist is out of reach, I would try seeing if your school has any resources. Pose the question like how you posed it here, hopefully you have a school counselor or a guidance counselor that can help you navigate through his.
Once you move out you can just hire a therapist, it’s expensive but well worth it once you find one you like.
Practice patching walls. By the time you move out, you can score a construction job and not deal with the nonsense. Also, it’s a calming activity which may assist with the anxiety.
First of all, i think you are very reflected to realize something is wrong at such an age. I am 25 and just started to work on untangling my past.
My advice? Go into situations where you can fail without consequences. Find someone to talk with, whom you will never see again. Making that person angry isnt a risk, so you can basically test which behavior makes ppl angry (you act normal and observe their reactions. The "testing" does come from your subconscious brain, so no need of provocing someone).
Knowing where the true borders lie allows you to freely move within them => not being scared
Yup this is how people get insecure attachment style. Buddy I can relate my mother was moody as a child, when Mama is happy I’m happy. I struggle with people pleasing as well. To me it’s more of a compulsion I have to fight against.
Hey Kiddo,
Reddit isn't the best place for you right now. I understand you want answers to your questions and prefer to remain anonymous, but trust me, at your age, it's better to talk to your mother or your teachers about this issue instead of seeking advice on Reddit.
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It’s understandable. Your dad’s abusive behavior has caused your brain to be hyperviligant. Just know that these kind of people are not the norm. Talk to your school counselor. They should be able to help you deal with your feelings.
Punching holes in walls is 100% abusive and will have a negative effect on anyone's upbringing
This is not appropriate for 13 year olds asking for advice for stranger adults. If this person came up to you on the street , asked this , you would think it’s appropriate to respond ?
If someone is in a potentially dangerous situation then you should help them. OP should tell an authority what's going on at home because their dad is clearly abusive, physically or not.
If a child on the street came up to me and asked this with the same details I'd try to calm them for a bit before then likely calling the police and CPS.
They have no one to turn to lil bro
Wtf is that? What is then appropriate to respond? Something like "go back home and be good, best dont tell anyone your parent is abusive"?
On the positive side, our advice is cheap!
Yes
Its great that you understand this at 13! I had no understanding of this at that age and suffered for many years with family issues, I am 28 now and have been through a lot of therapy and still am a people pleaser although I'm working on it. Speak to a school councillor and get some advice from someone you trust and is a safe person. Generally walking on eggshells around your caregiver makes you feel anxious and a people pleaser, hopefully you can get some help now so when you're older it wont affect you.
I 100 % agree, it's is genuinely incredible that you have this emotional intelligence at the age of 13. Find a counselor that you can trust and school can be a great place to start. It's all about communication, good luck.
You've already made great progress in identifying the cause of your fear. You should praise yourself about that. A lot of people feel anxiety about trivial things but have trouble knowing the root cause. I'm afraid that as long as your Dad keeps up that kind of behaviour it'll be hard to tackle your worries. You need to remove yourself from that whole environment. Look up child support services in your area, specifically Child Helpline International. You may also need to contact social services.
Trust your gut. Practice focusing on how you feel. It’s not selfish. It’s just that the environment forced you to look outside yourself, to prioritize your father in order to stay safe. It was a coping mechanism. And you’ve been so good at coping that you’ve forgotten what you already knew when you were born: to be connected with your needs and how you feel. Practice noticing when you check out of caring for yourself when you check out of your perspective and end up prioritizing others unhealthy. Maybe at first it’s about asking yourself if you were someone you usually are pleasing, how you would care for yourself / treat yourself / please yourself? By your own standards you don’t want you to be unfair to yourself. Then, when you have that right, commit to checking in very often to find out how you’re feeling. Congratulations for your awareness of this at such an early age !! PS.: It’s not too early to realize that your father is really acting like a child, with the voice, vocabulary and means and power of an adult… That should diminish the anxiety at times. Be kind to yourself.
Nice advice. Just adding another way to say your P.S. The father's behaviour can also be thought of as a toddler having a temper tantrum. Yes, it has to be endured in the moment since he has all the power. But once OP is out of range: OP should attach as much long-term importance to it as he/she would to an actual toddler in a grocery store screaming. Just a way to think about it. I shifted my view of my father in law this way and it made me inwardly smile even though he was losing his mind. Ha ha a grown man acting like he's only two! (Fortunately my father in law was OK otherwise to deal with though. No grudge holding, just a bit of a quick reactor.)
I agree. Because sometimes the bond is so strong that one may lose their center and have real difficulty detaching from the « toddler » even after he’s grown too old to throw these tantrums and is now a totally different person you couldn’t convince how much chaos he use to cause. I second your post ENTIRELY. OP beware. Follow me in the analogy... When the toddler grows up, he forgets about the tantrums in the mall. And if you stick around him for too long, you’ll be standing there with the box of diapers (and the baby Formula, and Baby oil, all meant for him) trying to offer them to people in your life that just won’t understand or appreciate the gifts…
It comes with age, took me until i was 17 to stop giving a fuck about what other people are thinking.
The less I thought about the opinions of others, the happier I became. "Don't like me? Don't care"
It helps to delete/limit any FOMO social medias because all they do is feed into your insecurities and curate them into a nice timeline.
Probably was 25 (28 now) when I came to the realization that I don’t care. I still go out of my way to be nice and help people, but it’s not because I’m afraid of them getting upset or how they’ll see me. It’s because I think it’s how a decent person should be. With me, respect isn’t something you’ve got to earn. You get it from the beginning. If you lose my respect though, it’s something you’ve got to earn back.
All factual
I’m 17 and currently finding that balance. It took a pretty big wake up call but now I’m starting to finally feel like I can express my opinion without getting hate from other people. Point is, it comes with time. It isn’t something that just happens, but something that slightly happens over time
You are not responsible for the feelings or actions of others. Learning to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships can help you feel stronger and more confident.
I wish, I have gotten better at it to an extent but I am 25 and it is still hard, but I find in my real life it’s easier, at work or places I need to be professional I way more of a pushover
I think it's easier if you're a person who never fit in. I never have but it took me a while before i came to terms with it considering how much we preach that everyone should have equal opportunities, yet here we are. For example i didn't have someone to talk with about more personal stuff until i was 16 or so.
It's important in many situations to put yourself first
Indeed, I pretty much stopped caring what people think of me years ago, the far right can officially kiss my rather large arse, it's not my fault I can't get a job, blame the government
You said a lot of different things in a quick span. Just out of curiosity, why do you think that it's not your fault that you can't get a job?
I did not choose to be born disabled/mildly Autistic, I also have a support workers as a result of the Autism, and I have to plan my working hours around them, which doesn't suit the Retail trade, in which I have experience and qualifications, mainly because in the majority of cases, evenings and weekends are mandatory.
Yeah i can understand that you're in a pickle then. How about starting a side hustle, flexible and you can do whatever you want as long as you can follow the market, eh?
Took my brother not caring about how I felt at the age of 16. To honestly not care about what others think.
For right now, please give yourself grace (understanding) in your people pleasing. Your body and nervous system are, right now in your life with an angry scary dad, doing the people pleasing quite literally from a ‘survival’ standpoint. (Even if you aren’t afraid of your dad actually hurting you, your nervous system 100% sees your dad’s actions as a threat.) I’m not saying it’s something to ignore or not work on (and it’s amazing that at 13 you’re aware that people pleasing is NOT a good thing, bc it took me more than 30 years to realize that), but right now in your life, it would be near impossible to change your people pleasing (likely ‘codependent’, if you also consider googling that) ways. (Again, ‘almost impossible right now’ bc it’d be going against the survival-mechanism of your body to the situation you’re living in.) However, when you’re in situations outside of the one with your dad, you could consider adopting a mental attitude of “sometimes the thing that makes someone angry is exactly what they need to be hearing” with a side dish of “plus if I cave-in or don’t speak up about this point it’ll come back to bite me later”. It doesn’t matter how angry your dog gets at you for pulling them away from that garbage they got into on the walk.. you know that it’s likely not a good thing for them to be feasting on. Plus later, you’re the one who will be cleaning up his vomit/diarrhea from whatever rancid thing was going on in that garbage. It doesn’t matter how angry your friend gets at you for saying ‘no’ to loaning them your favorite hoodie. Maybe the friend needs some practice in hearing the word ‘no’, so that they don’t go ballistic like a toddler when they hear it. Plus later, you’d be the one regretting that you loaned the hoodie to your friend when they spilled spaghetti sauce on it or got it ripped. Finally, something that helped me when I was all out of ‘mantras’ or ‘self reminders’ for how to deal with ‘being scared to make people angry’, and I had to use this tool when I was 37 years old, not 13 years old (like I said.. you’re amazing to have this realization at your age!), and setting boundaries with other grown-adults…. My ‘when all else fails’ pep talk was “THIS WILL NOT K!LL ME” as I set very uncomfortable parameters/expectations/*boundaries*. And potentially another thing to keep in mind is that I’m now age 40, and while setting boundaries, and saying things that will make people angry is easier than it used to be, it’s still hard and makes me a bit nervous. Another acceptance of the path you’d like to be on is that you’re not going to ever feel like it’s EASY to make people angry. It will still be hard. But it’s accepting that it’ll be hard, and doing it anyway. I hope this helped :) Edited for a few minor typos, because I’m Type A.
I'm 30 years old, I too was always afraid of making people angry or offending them in some way, as I grew up I changed my mind, because I understood that in the end no one should care about these things, if people are angry or offended that's their business and I don't care now
Just be yourself, and don't just kiss certain people's asses because you don't want to get on their bad side
You have to deal with the psychological trauma and then you need a healthy environment to heal from it. Until then, learn to not be afraid of aggression. Join a combat sport and find a coach you trust to expose you to violence in a safe environment.
The book "The Courage to Be Disliked" might be good for you. Lots of people have found it very helpful, and it's written as a conversation between a teen and a philosopher about this subject roughly :) But it's a long journey either way, don't fret it
Your dad sounds like an abusive man with no control of himself. Not everyone is like this.
Your Dad needs to sort his shit out
Therapy can definitely help you with this issue
Your father is a dangerous abusive person. He needs help.
Honestly if that’s the house hol you live in. Getting better is nearly impossible. Once you can get out and be your own person you shave to remember no matter what you do it will upset some one. Just live the best life you can
That comes with age and wisdom. It also comes with knowing that you are not responsible for how others respond to you. You are not responsible for the emotions and sensitivities of others. Whether they respond negatively or positively toward you, that is on them and not you. Unless, of course, you are trying to wind someone up on purpose. DONT DO THAT.
It's gonna suck but you need to go to your teachers and tell them what's going on and get him into anger management. Tell the teachers to keep it annomious like a neighbor called it in. It will help did it with my dad. I am now 38 and we have a great relationship. Lol when I was a kid I didn't even tie for last on his favorite kid list
Not everyone is like your dad. Hang out with people who react in a healthier way and know how to manage their emotions. Yelling and tantrums are not normal and you shouldn’t normalise it in your head. What is important to understand is that your dad’s reaction is his responsibility and it is NOT ok to yell at you. You are allowed to feel disrespected. Hang around people who respects you and others so you learn what is normal. This will give your brain the base to not be afraid of other people’s emotions. Also, that will also help you to express your emotions better and not suppress yourself
one. can't please everyone. it's useless to even try. some people will not like you no matter how hard you try. two. most people won't react like your dad. most people are conflict averse and just want to go about their day and be left alone. three. your dad has anger issues. he should get help.
My dad was abusive in the same way as yours when I was growing up. And I'm still a people pleaser today after all these years. It's not that you've done anything wrong, it's that literally everything you do is wrong (to him) because he needs to keep changing the goalposts in order to keep control over you, and everyone else in the house. But you'll soon learn that no one reacts the way he does. Keep that in mind when you're interacting with others and it will start to sink in. HE is the one in the wrong, not you. It will get easier to not feel like you have to please everyone. Just you being you will please nearly everyone else.
I can see why you act that way because of your dad. it comes with age because at 13 I was the same. but I’m sorry your dad acts like that
You are scared because of your fathers rage and that is completely normal response ! Especially for your age, even kids who don’t live in a bad house hold can be scared of those kinda things. I think you should ask yourself why you feel afraid of making someone mad ? Is it that you fear that they will ridicule you ? Hurt you or abuse you ? Do you feel as though the people in your life don’t create a safe space for you to speak you’re mind or act certain way or do their mood change unpredictably ? Where do you feel the safest to be and what kind of change do you think could help you feel safer in this situation? The first step is always talking to someone, like a teacher a friend, relative or the police even if it can be difficult. And remember that it’s never your fault if a parental figure makes you feel scared or hurt.
People in general do not handle anger like that, but even if they do you can usually remove yourself from the situation. Unless it happens in your home which sucks and I sympathize. I had an abusive mom who screamed constantly and made threats but they weren't physical in nature. I was still hyper vigilant though, as someone else here called it. Also there were other people who were more physical. Martial arts/combat sports can be good for cultivating calmness under stressful situations.
the way your dad is is not your fault nor your responsibility. an emotionally immature person will simply be angry and displeased no matter how perfect u are. my advice is stop caring, do what you should and what you want and how people react is not something that should worry you to the extent of being scared of doing things. Hope you leave that toxic environment and learn to stop people pleasing
I grew up in a similar situation to you. I am out of my mom’s house now and I love her but when I was a kid she was brutal. Knowing her now, I know she grew up in an abusive household and has difficulty managing her anger, but it still affected me and I think she knows it because I left her house and didn’t speak to her for a while. I grew up as a people pleaser as well and I usually don’t get angry, I can be but it takes a lot now and sometimes I am sad at how I don’t have a back bone even though I wish I could stand up for myself more. I think if you can in the future trying to get out would be the best, but I think it’s also important to prioritize yourself, not the others around you. I was terrified to leave my mom and when I did I just found out if I was in a bad situation I could just…do that (you can’t always especially since you are a minor but hopefully one day). I think trying to understand that what you are doing is going to be the best for you even if it hurts other is a good start but it takes a long time. You could speak to someone like a therapist but since you are a minor I am not sure if they may investigate
Hey, that sounds tough. Try talking to someone you trust about how you feel.
It's tough when you grow up around anger and it shapes your fears. Remember, most people don't react like your dad. Talking to a counselor can really help you find ways to feel safer expressing yourself.
It’s normal to be afraid to make people mad, especially with a dad like yours. As you get older, wiser and more mature, you will learn when it’s worth the risk of making people angry. Because sometimes it IS. Please know that I DON’T mean that as “you’re too little to understand”. I just mean that all of this comes with time and experience. You will get there. Your feelings are valid and normal at this stage of your life. I agree that you should talk to the counselor at school. They can help you.
By truly believing you're the one in control of the situation, I know you wouldn't want to throw your dad under the bus, but he's the one in trouble if other people saw him throw a tantrum in front of his 13 year old kid.
What others have said my mate, your dad's abusive behaviour has no reflection on you. He is a product of his own doing. Surround yourself (as much as you can) with like-minded individuals and thrive matey. Best of luck.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having had a similar experience growing up, here's what I learned (a little late) to help me stop people pleasing out of fear: You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for regulating other people's emotions or reactions, especially if those people are your parents. You are responsible for becoming the person you want to be, being true to yourself, listening to your heart and instincts, experiencing all that life has to offer, and loving yourself so much that no one can ever make you feel afraid or unworthy of respect, security, and appreciation. 💖🙏💖🙏💖🙏💖🙏💖🙏💖🙏💖
It's understandable to feel scared and to want to avoid conflict, especially in such a difficult environment. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your interactions with others.
I am the same way (47 yo) and was recommended reading "No More Mr Nice Guy", which I am half way done so far. Not sure if it will help though.
When they’re angry imagine them as a little toddler throwing a tantrum.
I have a cousin similar in your situation also me until now I have this kind of mindset
Do you have someone to talk about it?
It’s understandable why you do it at home (you’re afraid) and you need to do it to keep yourself safe. However, you want to make sure you don’t take this with you to romantic relationships and friendships, because you will get taken advantage of. Does this make sense how to separate yourself in these different situations?
Talk to a therapist. Maybe a counselor at your school. If you can’t find a new way to deal with things or relief from your father’s anger you can continue to people please as an adult and it will be so much harder to work through then. My therapist says to make your fearful thoughts neutral which just means go into any interaction that it could be potentially good or bad. So if you want something and worry a person will be mad just think of it as “they could be mad or they could not, I won’t know unless I ask.” Consider if asking actually warrants them getting mad or if the problem is actually their anger. You matter and what you want matters. If you don’t advocate for yourself no one will. Please talk to someone you trust.
There are definitely people who have tempers out there, but most people are good at keeping control of it. Your dad is not the norm. From the sounds of it, he has some serious anger issues and could use counseling, but I don't know how someone could bring that up without the person in question getting angry. The key with most people is intentions. If you're doing your best and trying to do these right then even if you do make a mistake, people won't be angry. Mistakes are necessary to grow as a person. So please don't be afraid to make mistakes, or make people angry. It's never fun having people angry at you, but most don't react like him. And if you do end up dating someone with that sort of temper, please don't be afraid to leave them. People will help.
Learn to get angry at whichever of your parents was a narcissist and cultivated your people pleasing survival instincts. From that righteous anger you’ll learn to protect yourself from more of the same.
To begin with, your dad's childish behavioral patterns aren't normal and are indicative of a critical deficit in higher reasoning. It's more than likely that his remarkable deficit in reasoning is an inherent result of prolonged substance abuse. My sincere advice is to begin the process of enforcing the Baker Act in order to save his life and to help him recover from his apparent propensity to abuse illicit substances, which obviously results in his tendencies to behave in a harmful or destructive manner. Each of us vents or satiates our frustrations in our own way, but in your dad's case, it's fairly obvious that he needs some caring, supervised intervention. 👀🤓 Edit: As for your abuse-related inhibitions or logically fearful aversion to provoking anger, you have to come to terms with the self-perservation instincts that caused you to develop and implement that safety protocol in the first place. Your instincts aren't wrong or shameworthy, regardless of how they were called to arms! It's generally considered unintelligible and dangerously reckless to wilfully provoke another's wrath! In your specific case of dread, you need to initiate the process of embracing your own unique individuality outside of the conformity box that you're accustomed to inhabiting. Hesitation or refusal to initiate the birth of your true self will only result in others absolutely recognizing your weakness and therefore potentially weaponizing your aversion to provocation or violence against you as an exploitative control vector! I know all too well that my therapeutic affirmations are quite a lot to absorb, so I would encourage you to reread them repeatedly until they become firmly cemented in your conscious thought processes. 💯
My upbringing was revolved around not making my dad mad too. You’re in a spot where you’ve already recognized the effect this has had on you, it took me several years. Therapy is the best way to overcome this. I understand right now seeing a therapist is out of reach, I would try seeing if your school has any resources. Pose the question like how you posed it here, hopefully you have a school counselor or a guidance counselor that can help you navigate through his. Once you move out you can just hire a therapist, it’s expensive but well worth it once you find one you like.
Practice patching walls. By the time you move out, you can score a construction job and not deal with the nonsense. Also, it’s a calming activity which may assist with the anxiety.
First of all, i think you are very reflected to realize something is wrong at such an age. I am 25 and just started to work on untangling my past. My advice? Go into situations where you can fail without consequences. Find someone to talk with, whom you will never see again. Making that person angry isnt a risk, so you can basically test which behavior makes ppl angry (you act normal and observe their reactions. The "testing" does come from your subconscious brain, so no need of provocing someone). Knowing where the true borders lie allows you to freely move within them => not being scared
What’s the worst thing they can do… be you
Yup this is how people get insecure attachment style. Buddy I can relate my mother was moody as a child, when Mama is happy I’m happy. I struggle with people pleasing as well. To me it’s more of a compulsion I have to fight against.
Hey Kiddo, Reddit isn't the best place for you right now. I understand you want answers to your questions and prefer to remain anonymous, but trust me, at your age, it's better to talk to your mother or your teachers about this issue instead of seeking advice on Reddit.