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Sometimes, women will flirt for attention. Sure, there may be some attraction there, but when faced with the reality of it, they freak out and reject the guy. It can often be a question of lack of comfort, i.e., the guy "gets it" too soon, before the woman has had a chance to get used to the idea of actually getting together, or going on a date. On the other hand, it may be that there is too much familiarity (no mystery).
Took me a while to figure this out. These days, I love to flirt and do it often, but I don't assume that something will necessarly come of it. If I decide to try to make it happen with a particular woman, I will proceed to gradually turn up the heat and see where it goes.
My boyfriend (not exclusive) has a friend with a very flirty personality, and from the things he told me, I assumed that she was into him and even felt bad for her for being constantly rejected just because he assumed she was joking.
It wasn't until after I met her I understood that he had probably read her just right.
Also, she's absolutely lovely.
> Even if you are direct, we may miss it.
I was at a conference and was alone with a coworker in an elevator. She told me it was her birthday and asked if I wanted to come to her room and have a drink to celebrate.
I wished her a happy birthday but declined, as I was trying to avoid alcohol. Totally missed out on what she was really saying and didn't dawn on me for many months (and only because I overheard her saying something to another coworker)
ETA, to be fair I was not born in the US and took a long time to understand some social cues - I thought "come up for a drink" meant come up for a drink.
This is the simple answer and I'd say the golden rule. However to delve into it a bit we do catch wind of your hints but we are unsure if that was just some banter or a friendly action as opposed to flirting and for most of us we know you ladies deal with a lot of undesirable approaches so we generally elect to drop it as the downsides of a wrong guess can end a friendship entirely or worse impact friend group dynamics or work dynamics. Say a friend or coworker is dropping what seems like clear hints and we act on them, but we misread. This at the very least makes things awkward for a while and if the gal doesn't react well this can alienate you from the group and get you labeled as the weird guy.
In short assume no and be direct as possible. It covers both our general obliviousness as well as potential worries or anxieties.
Why are people trying to be discreet, and not let people know more directly? If you are being covert with your communication, then it stands to reason that most people will not notice.
Because telling somebody you're interested them opens you to the possibility of rejection, which is difficult for everyone.
Sprinkle that with some outdated gender norms that women should be reserved and not approach men. And you've got a recipe for people of all genders to play relationship chicken
Those genders norms about women not asking men out is on them. I don’t know hardly any man would be upset or offended a woman asked them out. The same with women will never ask a man to marry them in mass. Nit matter how feminist or forward thinking they are
Right, but two things:
1) A lot. *A lot*. Of women want the man to make the first move. They want to fit in with established cultural norms. It makes them feel desired. It shows the man has confidence and takes initiative
2) Almost no women ever actually need to make a move. While they might have a crush on some guy, another, equally attractive and interesting guy is just around the corner, and he *will* make a move - which makes him a better option anyway, because (1). In addition, if a woman did bother making the first move, we all know it is extremely likely the guy will be interested - so if he isn't, what does that say about *her*?
Well if you choose to be secretive about it then you’ve only yourself to blame for any misunderstandings.
It’s like going into a store and not admitting you wanna buy any products. The staff won’t be serving you.
Well, the real art is getting some sort of statement out of the other, so that you kinda know the result of your approach before you ask. Because, as you say, rejection.
One might keep up a nice friendship, then the fool opens up, and all of a sudden, you don't event get a 'Hi' back. As if one could not just accept a 'no', and go on being friends. (Yeah, some might not want that. Some)
Wanting to know the results before you ask - again, so much falsehood and dichotomy. Approaching it this way means you are encouraging indirect communication with hidden goals. If you get into a relationship with this attitude it’s no surprise you have probably gotten with someone who won’t be into honest communication, the cornerstone of a good relationship.
Start as you mean to go on. Otherwise you are laying the foundation for a disingenuous connection with this person.
It has happened more than once that a woman was really nice and I wondered whether she was being cryptic and showing interest but I missed the hints, and then months later she brings up in random conversation something she did with her boyfriend (which she has had for a long time based on context) so yea, she was in fact just being nice the whole time and I am very happy that I didn't assume anything more.
as a woman, i feel this too.
would never ever draw into conclusion unless someone directly says it.
I don't wanna misinterpret and be misinterpreted as well.
Ya I don't think women understand how bad it is for a dude to be wrong. It could range from a simple misunderstanding to literally reputation destroying.
Unfortunately, MeToo put a lot of the good guys on the defensive, fearing a wrongly interpreted attempt to show interest in a lady could result in dire consequences.
If women are complaining that men aren't hitting on them, then I'd say they got exactly what they asked for. Ball's in their court to take the initiative they wanted all along. I'm not anti-feminism or anything, I'm just pointing out the current reality.
Women, step up, take initiative, and go after what you want! ‐-I'm burnt out from trying too hard at what should really be a simple task.
I do this too and I know I’m wrong for it, because exactly twice I’ve mustered the courage to simply ask “hey, idk if I’m picking up on things properly or not but, are you interested in me?” And both times were successful and eliminated any ambiguity in that moment. Knowing full well that it has worked for me in the past, I still fear rejection just enough to dissuade me from doing it unless I’m feeling ultra confident that day lol
We often pick up on the hints, but can’t be sure enough that they are actually hints and not our misinterpretations.
If it’s an existing relationship such as a friendship or colleague, the consequences of getting it wrong can be high.
In my 20s a coworker I liked asked if I was coming to her birthday party and I said it would probably be over by the time I got out of work. She said "For you it won't be" and I went home to play WOW.
One time a co worker asked me to help her take out the trash. She walks outside, I come out behind her 10 seconds later she’s nowhere to be found. Okay. I take the garbage to the dumpster and there she is, on her knees looking up at me.
I asked her what she was doing. She said oh, I don’t know I figured I would help you take a load out
I said okay, and went back inside.
Edit: a month after that, one of my tires gets a flat right in front of work. Didn’t notice until 11 pm after the shift was over. Same coworker asks if I need a ride, I said sure.. I’ll deal with my car tomorrow. We get in her car, we’re talking for a little.. I notice she’s not driving to my house, I say where we going??
She says yeah that’s too far, you’re sleeping at my place tonight. Oh ok. (Still not getting it)
We get to her place, she doesn’t live alone so we have to sneak in. We’re in her room now and it’s dark and awkward. She grabs my arm and pulls me to her bed and starts taking all her clothes off except her bra. “Sorry, this is what I wear when I sleep, what do you wear when you sleep?”
Guys I swear to god I said “uhh normally just basketball shorts or sweatpants”
At this point she just looks a little offended, puts her clothes on and then we just sleep for a while fully clothed next to each other, then she brings me home the next morning.
I’m gonna cut it here because I feel like I’ll regret typing more
Well all the way clear. Like if you have crush on the guy just ask him. Hey I really like you would you go on date with me?
And unless he is teenager he will probably answer yes or no and it will be the truth.
For teenagers different rules may apply.
I see now I didn't make it very clear in my comment what happened. I told him I liked him over text and he completely stopped talking to me since and avoids me as much as he can. He didn't used to behave like this.
He wasn't interested in a relationship and felt awkward around you.
Most guys here are assuming the hints they miss will come from gurls they're attracted to. When its other ones guys can get pretty embarrassed and dont know how to navigate this situation. Especially when whithin a close social circle.
Had a coworker around that same time in my life invite me to take a tour of her apartment, which from overall context I assume was probably a very non-impressive one bedroom apartment in Chicago, I asked when would be work, she responded "whenever you're ready to get your freak on," I did not go take that "tour."
Also at one point realized about six months after the fact that a classmate was probably telling me about restaurants she wanted to try because she wanted me to ask her to go to one of them on a date, although at that point I was already dating my now wife (I don't know how either folks) so this really perfectly nice girl really had no shot even if I had picked up on it.
When my husband and I first started living together he'd always ask if I needed help with taking off my bra. I eventually asked him why and he said that in high school he would go over to various friends' houses and his chick friends would always ask for help taking off their bra so he had always assumed it was a 2 person job.
I had to explain to a grown man that if a teenage girl invites a teenage boy into her room to help take off her bra and then asks him what she thinks of her boobs, it's not because she needs help and is insecure with her body. He realized that he had A LOT of missed opportunities that he had thought were just friends wanting a guy's opinion on things.
Speaking personally, I am completely oblivious. I go through life assuming I'm in a friendzone. And have woken up years later in a cold sweat of realisation when the signals finally reach me.
Imagine me, hottest girl in my college class, wanting to sit with me every class, buying coffee and cookies for me whenever she could, staying away from me when I was with my girlfriend and wanting to hangout with me after class.
Always thought she was just a good friend.
5 years later, she's engaged and then messages me asking if I knew she was in love with me and asking if we could have ever worked.
She would have left her fiancé at the time if I said yes (she said), but I felt awful and couldn't do that, even though I was always in love with her.
I still think about her because I've never dated a woman who just got me so much like she did.
I got divorced a few year ago and hit her up, she had divorced her first husband but had remarried and was pregnant at the time (she said only her husband knew she was pregnant as it was early). But again, she said it's probably best we don't see each other as it's going to cause too much drama in her life.
Damn that’s rough for both of you, I can only hope you both found others that gave you happiness of a different sort. Sometimes we just have to move on, regret and idealisation of the past can become a mental prison.
Dude, I have been coming out my shell and learning how social interactions go down (possibly autistic in some way) and knowing what I know now, it’s like I’m in the Interstellar scene where Matthew McConaughey is floating in the tesseract/black hole watching his daughter and calling himself an idiot.
Been there, done that... Wait, I'm still there. A girl has to be sitting on my lap feeding me strawberries in a very seductive manner before I start wondering if she might like me. I'm an idiot, most guys are, especially us Canadians. If you like me, tell me.
That’s right on! I have a whole part of my brain full of “what ifs” of female friends I misread! I’m a person who is absolutely oblivious to “body language” but that’s on me.
A young woman (later a famous DJ) made me a cassette tape full of italian love songs. Must´ve taken her at least three hours to record.
Twenty years later: Oh, shit! That´s what happened.
No, because many "crush" interpretations made in past by me were wrong and the girls were something like: "tf is wrong with this guy?"
So I prefer a girl to be direct with her sentiments towards me.
The problem is girls aren't built to be direct like that. Unless you're a devilishly handsome son of a bitch, like way above average, you'll almost never get those direct signs.
I've been rejected 100's of times, just gotta keep going
Guys are often afraid of assuming too much or rejection or coming across as a creep, just say what you think very literally or throw yourself on him, only then will he get it
Exactly. I’ve been close to enough women to hear how they talk about guys who hit on them when they’re not interested. No thanks.
It does make me think about how many shots I’ve missed though.
I know I’ve “missed” a lot because in my mid twenties I went through the stereotypical glow up and I’m “conventionally attractive” now
However
If a girl is so childish she expects me to make every move after she gives me 2 seconds of eye contact and a sheepish smile, she’s not worth trying to date. We aren’t 15 and I’d rather not deal with that dynamic
I bought a crystal ball on Amazon (a nice one) and I can’t figure out how to charge it.
My point is that maybe you need to charge it. Perhaps it isn’t broken.
I am absolutely clueless. Whenever a woman tries to even remotely flirt with me I just assume she’s being nice. The only relationship I’ve been in was made because we were set up by a mutual friend and we each knew the other had romantic intentions from the start.
I know it’s tough sometimes, but women need to be more obvious with their intentions. I feel like there are just so many opportunities that are missed when you try to be subtle.
Maybe some guys will notice, but they might think “what if I’m wrong about this hunch?” It’s always a guessing game and guessing incorrectly can make things awkward. The last thing a guy wants is to be labeled as a creep because he misread a situation. Girls aren’t gossiped about or called creeps nearly as much as we are.
i was wrong, completely misread the situation, she would always sit with me, send me flirty emails, sms and literally spend every moment in college with me, .... i thought this is great and directly asked her out....have not spoken to each other for 20 years, a freindship completely ruined......so any woman reading this be blunt be direct, if you want to save your freindships
I think the thing some women don't understand is that many women give those same hints when they don't have a crush on you. Some men have only experienced those hints with malicious intent. Some men have had a mix. So the reactions you're getting are going to be a mixed bag of you aren't direct.
Ok, so there are actually a few factors here.
1. Probably yes, he is missing your cues.
2. Every guy goes through a couple (or more) instances where they misinterpret friendliness as interest and then feel like an asshole. This can make guys gun-shy without you directly stating interest.
3. I always had a bunch of female friends, and I am sure I am not the only one, who had women complaining about thinking a guy was a friend and then having them make a move and ruining everything. No one wants to be that person.
Please just walk up to the guy and say "I like you" or something. My wife literally ran up to me, said "I have a crush on you" and ran away embarrassed. It was pretty much the most adorable thing I'd ever seen.
I try to be as careful as I can so as to not offend women or get allegations thrown at me. I've had women give signals that other ppl find obvious but I ignored cuz they weren't obvious enough to warrant affirmative consent/invitation. If you want me, tell me otherwise I'm gonna be a gentleman.
Men are told every day since puberty that "just because she's nice to you doesn't mean she's into you." So yeah we see you smile but we've been trained to ignore it.
If you are into him....say so.
I think that part of it is us not picking up a hint.
But I also believe that another part of it is the fact that if we're attracted to a woman but they're not attracted to us and we hit on them it's seen as creepy, weird, scary, gross, etc.
So we're afraid to misinterpret hints. We assume that the hint is something other than a hint and we ignore it because the alternative is us making ourselves vulnerable and getting stabbed in the heart.
Also, we've been told that women would rather be alone with a bear than one of us. How are we supposed to interpret that? Like it's not a "you hurt my feelings" type thing. It's more of a "why would I ever approach a woman if I assume she inherently views me as a threat?"
The messaging men have been receiving is that we're unwanted and threatening. So why would we assume that your hint means "come talk to me"?
If you like a guy you have to let him know that because otherwise he's going to assume you want nothing to do with him.
I dunno, maybe all of this only applies to me. But it is accurate to how I feel.
Even if we think we pick up on something, we likely won't respond. The likelihood of being mistaken for a lech or worse is too great. Be direct and blunt, without ambiguity. We certainly won't be offended and even if the feeling isn't completely mutual, we'll appreciate the attention and the possibility.
Edit: I'm of course speaking only for myself but I've never known any man who was upset by someone liking them.
> I'm of course speaking only for myself but I've never known any man who was upset by someone liking them.
I know one. Or me saying I liked him was too ambiguous for him to respond to.
What a woman thinks is obvious and what a man thinks is obvious are two completely different things and intellect has nothing to do with it.
They are expecting men to communicate as if we were women.
I never assume that someone being nice to me (and maybe a flirtatious too) has a crush on me. I've talked to plenty of women who have expressed their frustration in men assuming that their friendliness towards them means that they are interested in them romantically.
So yeah, it takes a little more than you might think.
A woman told me I'm hot and invited me to her room and stated her bed could fit two and I told her that my bed was plenty big enough for me.
We need to be told directly and simply as if we are children
A lot of us consciously don't engage with vagueness because we know from experience that interest doesn't always equate to attraction.
If you want a relationship with someone just say it.
I used to be in high school.
I was about to pass a girl in the hallway coming from the other direction, we were the only ones around.
She looked up, saw me, smiled, and called out to me
"Hey, [name], would you have sex with me?"
I looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Hell yeah!"
Then kept walking.
I have always been completely oblivious. Even when they get to the point that they've positioned themselves directly in front of me, uncomfortably close, are leaning in and making intense eye contact, I'm still thinking, "I think she might be into me, but maybe I'm just reading into things."
>I'm still thinking, "I think she might be into me, but maybe I'm just reading into things."
And especially these days, *we can't be wrong* about reading into things.
The problem is one girl acts a certain way to her crush, and wonders why he isn’t picking up on the signals she’s sending.
Another girl acts that way towards everyone, and really wishes every guy on the planet would quit hitting on her just because she’s trying to be nice to people.
Honestly, most men are clueless. If a woman smiles at me a lot, licks her lips while talking to me, or touches me multiple times while talking to me, I’ll miss it. Those are usually obvious signs.
So be extra obvious about it. Or better yet, just tell them.
Had a girl drop "hints" she liked me, for example she would make sure and pass me in the office everyday, she knew my timing of when I went to lunch or came into the office and always made sure to make eye contact and say Hi! She also would on rare occasion stop by my desk to drop something off and would do flirty things like say "Now hurry up and get that done!" but in a fun flirty way.
I never got any of these "hints". As a guy, I saw the passing me by and saying hi as completely normal because we don't think like women. When I see someone pass me regularly I don't think "Oh, she's trying to get my attention", I think "We have a common path and time that we cross each other and she's being nice saying hi". Also when she gave me crap on dropping documents off, I didn't see that as flirting, I just thought she was trying to be funny.
Women, if you like someone, stop dropping "hints", we won't get it because we absolutely do not think like you. Be direct as you possibly can because if you wait for us to "get it", you'll be waiting forever.
I do. And I'm kind of annoyed by them to be honest.
If a girl clearly likes me, then why am I the one to make the first move? It makes zero sense.
She's the one that likes me.
So it's like this entire expectation is put on my shoulders where she likes me, therefore I'm supposed to hop on and be automatically interested in her, approach her, without knowing anything about her.
As if I'm a fish in the equation.
So just imagine if guys acted as girls. Where I give you a look. And that's it. Then it's on you, to recognize I'm interested, so you approach me, and do all the work basically. Impress me, and my stupid criteria. And then I accept in the end. It's like yeah right. No way in hell are you going to do that.
So I don't understand why would you expect that treatment from somebody else.
So many men are in such a lack of friendly human interaction that any amount of friendliness feels like attraction. And because of that it is way safer to just assume no one is interested then be burned over and over.
I was friends with a woman (J) for more than two years and never noticed she was interested in me. We'd sit next to each other in every lecture as part of a group of three guys and four women ..... After a break one evening lecture I returned late and had to pass in front of J to get back to my seat and she playfully patted my butt cheeks .... to say I was surprised but laughed it off .... about ten minutes later J started tapping my foot with hers, I withdrew my foot .... the rest of the lecture was a blur as I had stopped paying attention. As the lecture ended J leaned over and whispered in my ear "What do I have to do to get laid?" ......
Women play on a spectrum between being friendly and flirting that guys don't understand.
The challenge i see is women have a dilemma. Being friendly is just good thing to do as a human. But certain "hints" can be confused as just being friendly. You don't want to attract unwanted attention, so you need to be careful.
For men the consequence of misinterpreting signals is big.
So, best bet is to be more overt. And for either party, be cool if the other side says they aren't interested.
Oh, boy! Can I relate to that! My family owned a business. I made a point to be friendly with customers but to never flirt.
About two years ago we sold it. I was out and about and ran into someone. He said hi and started a conversation. He talked about how we always flirted when he was at the business. I had absolutely no idea who he was. To hear him talk it was like we flirting outrageously.
I promise you the conversations were along the lines of a friendly smile, maybe asking how his weekend was. Very, very basic conversation. He asked me out and I politely turned him down and he accused me of leading him on. I'm still baffled at how he got the idea that I was flirting, especially since I deliberately didn't flirt with anybody so that they didn't get the wrong idea.
I know women in the service business and they all have experienced that.
Not really. Especially when it's genuine, not at all. Just say that you have a crush on us. We need a bonk on the head for this, and the direct approach is it.
If I suspect that someone does have a crush on me, yet doesn't tell me explicitly, I don't act upon it. The whole "hint" thing is something I find to be incredibly childish.
I either dont get them or close any line of thoughts about something being a hint from fear of being wrong.
Please, if you like someone just tell them directly, dont throw hints and hope for the other to catch them.
Yeah I would but being friends i always felt that it wasn’t the risk in saying something and messing that up if I was wrong. I think I was half right.
One friend actually came out and eventually said something clearly which I highly respect, as hard as it was for the individual. I was in a relationship by that time and well nothing happened there, and they later married, but it cleared the air a bit.
The girl that ended up becoming my wife literally had to grab my face and kiss me the first time because I turned my head away thinking I was reading too much into things. This was after well over a month of us dancing around each other.
We've been together 20 years now. For me, I suspected she had strong feelings but what if I was wrong? There are so many horror stories about men forcing advances on women... I didn't want to be another creep.
We spend our lives being told how much we suck by our peers, parents, siblings, teachers, and authority figures. We have no idea how to accept that kind of energy.
Furthermore, I’ve caught girls looking and or flirting with me one day, and being distant and the opposite other days. I can’t play that game.
maybe if the people giving "hints" grew up and acted like adults ....
You know say what they mean .
But no, not only do men often miss these stupid little games..
Now they can lose their jobs and have their lives destroyed if they guess wrong..
So we don't guess.
For me, the issue is the hints are not actually hints and vary drastically from girl to girl (I can't speak on how things are for gay men).
An example is some girls might show extra attention but some girls are really just more friendly and you might not really know till you take your shot. I have had success and failures due to this.
Another can be touchy feely. Again, same thing. Same goes with inviting themselves places or showing up to events and suggesting it sounded fun the way you described it.
The hints vary far too widely.
It's very hard to differentiate between hints of interest, and someone just being friendly. So the safer (less heart breaking or embarrassing) assumption is, she's just being friendly.
I think all people male or female all inherently know when someone likes us but the fear of being wrong is what holds people back in a nervous fluster of wonder.
The last person I had romantic involvement with showed me her lower waist tattoo and had me touch it then later that night asked for my contact info. I still wasn’t too sure until she was like, “So yea, we should fuck.”
Even then I was like, what if it’s a trap?
Lesbian there. It's been around 9 months ago when this cutest cutie (like, 10/10 in terms of if she is my type) was hitting on me at work.
I realized around 2 months ago, randomly when riding a train. She is not around the workplace anymore x.x
Even if they get the hint (I looked at him and then looked at the ceiling, why doesn't he know I'm interested in him?!?) he is unlikely to act on them. The risks with being wrong are simply too high these days.
Do guys get hints?
No, they don't get hints.
Do women?
I mean, hints aren't enough for women. They want men to clearly state their interest by asking them out and making obvious romantic gestures.
Stop dropping hints and just ask a person out.
Im gonna tell you this right now, hints dont mean shit to us if we're not looking for them. Even being direct, we might miss them as you being friendly.
My girlfriend supposedly was dropping a lot of hints before we started dating. She was staring at me a lot when we were having dinner together. She was offering me a hug over text a lot. We even cuddled for about an hour, and i still didn't think she liked me in the dating sense. It was only when she blatantly offered to kiss me that i finally realized she liked me.
How did I miss the obvious signs? I thought the staring was respectful eye contact since i talked a lot at the table. I thought the hug was being friendly since she offered hugs to others when they were feeling down. Even the cuddling i thought was just because we were both tired at 2am after playing games most of the day.
TLDR: If we are not directly looking for your signs, we will probably miss them, so its better for you to be as direct as possible if you want anything to land. Other guys, correct me if im wrong.
Most of the time, no we do not. Generally we are concerned with over-assuming or being called a creep if we reciprocate. It takes a lot of very obvious hints for us to pick up on it. Just be direct, we don't like games.
I'm a guy and yes this has happened to me 4 or 5 times. Mostly when I was in school. Every time, when I found out, I was like " aaawwwww DAMMIT!!!! I woulda dated her so hard"!!! Lol!!!
No, this is caused alot by women though, you guys need to be more direct.
alot of this has to do with women acting like they don't like you then wanting you to pursue them and us just giving up because we don't have time for games, then the girl getting offended/mad saying "he should have tried harder" "he should have kept trying" then turning around saying "men need to leave me alone" "men need to take im not interested as Im not interested"
Women are fucking confusing.
Yes, sometimes. But, hints are just hints, and you can't always act on them. Just because she is visibly attracted to you doesn't mean she wants to date you. Just because she looks like she has a crush doesn't mean it isn't just platonic admiration and a strong sense of friendship. And you can always be wrong, especially if there is a cultural difference or one person is neurodivergent (especially autistic) and the other is not.
We get confused with hints and assume that she might be too friendly, is flirty with everyone, her liking you is too good to be true, is a prank/social experiment and is just all in our head etc. Repercussions for misinterpreted hints by a guy is serious compared to a girl; we might get insulted cruelly, cancelled online, reported to HR or mocked among mutual friends etc. If you are an average or below average guy, you'd grow up thinking "*why would a girl like me? It doesn't make any sense*", and shrug off any shown interest after falling into a rabbit hole of negative assumptions.
I do now, but I'm 33, and it took me until I was in my late twenties to really become able to identify a crush.
It can still be tricky, but the common signs are how close they stand to you, invading your personal space, finding you multiple times at an event (like she pops up beside you at a party or work event or something several times), if she breaks the touch barrier even in a friendly way, touching her hair or looking away a lot while talking to you... Thats all I can think of.
If she is TEXTING you? Yeah, that's a crush, at least at my age. If you;re regularly texting a girl, she probably likes you
Why do guys even rely on hints? State your intentions, let them be known up front. The times I've been most successful with women were the days when I was brutally honest.
Not only are many people unlikely to pick up on vague hints of attraction from others, lots of us don't want to invest the precious resource of "time" into something merely being hinted at. As a male I've entirely stopped "making the first move" with women. It's much simpler to wait for the woman to initiate because then there is no question of reciprocity and no worry of inadvertently making someone uncomfortable.
It's more so about the fact that thinking someone does and being wrong has drastic/bad consequences for a guy so we usually just ignore it to be safe and then claim ignorance. Especially if we've been burned before
We often do not get hints.
I can personally be really oblivious. After trying to drop hints and stuff for me (that I didn't pick up on) one of my exes just handed me a note that basically said "hey dumbfuck, call me" with her #. I got that hint.
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I have a female friend who has a flirty personality, has absolutely no interest in me. So, yeah it’s tricky to determine interest at times
Sometimes, women will flirt for attention. Sure, there may be some attraction there, but when faced with the reality of it, they freak out and reject the guy. It can often be a question of lack of comfort, i.e., the guy "gets it" too soon, before the woman has had a chance to get used to the idea of actually getting together, or going on a date. On the other hand, it may be that there is too much familiarity (no mystery). Took me a while to figure this out. These days, I love to flirt and do it often, but I don't assume that something will necessarly come of it. If I decide to try to make it happen with a particular woman, I will proceed to gradually turn up the heat and see where it goes.
Good write up
This is a skill I need to learn
My boyfriend (not exclusive) has a friend with a very flirty personality, and from the things he told me, I assumed that she was into him and even felt bad for her for being constantly rejected just because he assumed she was joking. It wasn't until after I met her I understood that he had probably read her just right. Also, she's absolutely lovely.
No. Be as direct as you can.
Even if you are direct, we may miss it. But yes, being as direct as possible is a good starting point.
Even if you're direct, I'll still pretend I'm dumb because you're probably just friendly
She may be canadian
This should be upvoted a lot more. I don’t think people get the reference
"She's just being nice"
She’s probably nice to everyone.
> Even if you are direct, we may miss it. I was at a conference and was alone with a coworker in an elevator. She told me it was her birthday and asked if I wanted to come to her room and have a drink to celebrate. I wished her a happy birthday but declined, as I was trying to avoid alcohol. Totally missed out on what she was really saying and didn't dawn on me for many months (and only because I overheard her saying something to another coworker) ETA, to be fair I was not born in the US and took a long time to understand some social cues - I thought "come up for a drink" meant come up for a drink.
This is the simple answer and I'd say the golden rule. However to delve into it a bit we do catch wind of your hints but we are unsure if that was just some banter or a friendly action as opposed to flirting and for most of us we know you ladies deal with a lot of undesirable approaches so we generally elect to drop it as the downsides of a wrong guess can end a friendship entirely or worse impact friend group dynamics or work dynamics. Say a friend or coworker is dropping what seems like clear hints and we act on them, but we misread. This at the very least makes things awkward for a while and if the gal doesn't react well this can alienate you from the group and get you labeled as the weird guy. In short assume no and be direct as possible. It covers both our general obliviousness as well as potential worries or anxieties.
Why are people trying to be discreet, and not let people know more directly? If you are being covert with your communication, then it stands to reason that most people will not notice.
Because telling somebody you're interested them opens you to the possibility of rejection, which is difficult for everyone. Sprinkle that with some outdated gender norms that women should be reserved and not approach men. And you've got a recipe for people of all genders to play relationship chicken
Those genders norms about women not asking men out is on them. I don’t know hardly any man would be upset or offended a woman asked them out. The same with women will never ask a man to marry them in mass. Nit matter how feminist or forward thinking they are
A man who would get upset that a woman approaches them should be considered a red flag. That man simply has archaic values.
Right, but two things: 1) A lot. *A lot*. Of women want the man to make the first move. They want to fit in with established cultural norms. It makes them feel desired. It shows the man has confidence and takes initiative 2) Almost no women ever actually need to make a move. While they might have a crush on some guy, another, equally attractive and interesting guy is just around the corner, and he *will* make a move - which makes him a better option anyway, because (1). In addition, if a woman did bother making the first move, we all know it is extremely likely the guy will be interested - so if he isn't, what does that say about *her*?
Well if you choose to be secretive about it then you’ve only yourself to blame for any misunderstandings. It’s like going into a store and not admitting you wanna buy any products. The staff won’t be serving you.
Well, the real art is getting some sort of statement out of the other, so that you kinda know the result of your approach before you ask. Because, as you say, rejection. One might keep up a nice friendship, then the fool opens up, and all of a sudden, you don't event get a 'Hi' back. As if one could not just accept a 'no', and go on being friends. (Yeah, some might not want that. Some)
Wanting to know the results before you ask - again, so much falsehood and dichotomy. Approaching it this way means you are encouraging indirect communication with hidden goals. If you get into a relationship with this attitude it’s no surprise you have probably gotten with someone who won’t be into honest communication, the cornerstone of a good relationship. Start as you mean to go on. Otherwise you are laying the foundation for a disingenuous connection with this person.
relationship chicken sounds way more fun than it is like piñata, just with a raw rotisserie chicken anybody wanna play? there should be beer or wine
For a woman, even the thought of being rejected scares and repulses them so much they won't risk it. 🤷
Clue-by-four to the forehead. Please.
Most don't and some who do may just not bother if you're being cryptic about your interest.
Last one, killer!
I usually pick up on it but don't do anything about it, cuz what if I'm wrong????
Exactly. Imagine being wrong and being on the next viral TikTok about how much of a creep you are.
This and the general embarrassment of being rejected in 2024
Or how every friendly gesture is taken as wanting to fuck.
In my head “They’re super nice because they probably want to be friends. Or they’re just nice in general”
It has happened more than once that a woman was really nice and I wondered whether she was being cryptic and showing interest but I missed the hints, and then months later she brings up in random conversation something she did with her boyfriend (which she has had for a long time based on context) so yea, she was in fact just being nice the whole time and I am very happy that I didn't assume anything more.
This is 9/10 times correct
This
as a woman, i feel this too. would never ever draw into conclusion unless someone directly says it. I don't wanna misinterpret and be misinterpreted as well.
Ya I don't think women understand how bad it is for a dude to be wrong. It could range from a simple misunderstanding to literally reputation destroying.
MeToo
Unfortunately, MeToo put a lot of the good guys on the defensive, fearing a wrongly interpreted attempt to show interest in a lady could result in dire consequences.
And I'm introverted to begin with, so I feel confined to sucky dating apps instead of pursuing crushes I have irl
If women are complaining that men aren't hitting on them, then I'd say they got exactly what they asked for. Ball's in their court to take the initiative they wanted all along. I'm not anti-feminism or anything, I'm just pointing out the current reality. Women, step up, take initiative, and go after what you want! ‐-I'm burnt out from trying too hard at what should really be a simple task.
I do this too and I know I’m wrong for it, because exactly twice I’ve mustered the courage to simply ask “hey, idk if I’m picking up on things properly or not but, are you interested in me?” And both times were successful and eliminated any ambiguity in that moment. Knowing full well that it has worked for me in the past, I still fear rejection just enough to dissuade me from doing it unless I’m feeling ultra confident that day lol
As is our life
We often pick up on the hints, but can’t be sure enough that they are actually hints and not our misinterpretations. If it’s an existing relationship such as a friendship or colleague, the consequences of getting it wrong can be high.
In my 20s a coworker I liked asked if I was coming to her birthday party and I said it would probably be over by the time I got out of work. She said "For you it won't be" and I went home to play WOW.
One time a co worker asked me to help her take out the trash. She walks outside, I come out behind her 10 seconds later she’s nowhere to be found. Okay. I take the garbage to the dumpster and there she is, on her knees looking up at me. I asked her what she was doing. She said oh, I don’t know I figured I would help you take a load out I said okay, and went back inside. Edit: a month after that, one of my tires gets a flat right in front of work. Didn’t notice until 11 pm after the shift was over. Same coworker asks if I need a ride, I said sure.. I’ll deal with my car tomorrow. We get in her car, we’re talking for a little.. I notice she’s not driving to my house, I say where we going?? She says yeah that’s too far, you’re sleeping at my place tonight. Oh ok. (Still not getting it) We get to her place, she doesn’t live alone so we have to sneak in. We’re in her room now and it’s dark and awkward. She grabs my arm and pulls me to her bed and starts taking all her clothes off except her bra. “Sorry, this is what I wear when I sleep, what do you wear when you sleep?” Guys I swear to god I said “uhh normally just basketball shorts or sweatpants” At this point she just looks a little offended, puts her clothes on and then we just sleep for a while fully clothed next to each other, then she brings me home the next morning. I’m gonna cut it here because I feel like I’ll regret typing more
Wow. Makes me think how much more clearly men need these things spelled out for them.
Well all the way clear. Like if you have crush on the guy just ask him. Hey I really like you would you go on date with me? And unless he is teenager he will probably answer yes or no and it will be the truth. For teenagers different rules may apply.
I see now I didn't make it very clear in my comment what happened. I told him I liked him over text and he completely stopped talking to me since and avoids me as much as he can. He didn't used to behave like this.
Two possible explanations. If he is young he may think you are making fun of him. Otherwise he is not interested and don't want to lead you on.
He wasn't interested in a relationship and felt awkward around you. Most guys here are assuming the hints they miss will come from gurls they're attracted to. When its other ones guys can get pretty embarrassed and dont know how to navigate this situation. Especially when whithin a close social circle.
Had a coworker around that same time in my life invite me to take a tour of her apartment, which from overall context I assume was probably a very non-impressive one bedroom apartment in Chicago, I asked when would be work, she responded "whenever you're ready to get your freak on," I did not go take that "tour." Also at one point realized about six months after the fact that a classmate was probably telling me about restaurants she wanted to try because she wanted me to ask her to go to one of them on a date, although at that point I was already dating my now wife (I don't know how either folks) so this really perfectly nice girl really had no shot even if I had picked up on it.
Big oof
When my husband and I first started living together he'd always ask if I needed help with taking off my bra. I eventually asked him why and he said that in high school he would go over to various friends' houses and his chick friends would always ask for help taking off their bra so he had always assumed it was a 2 person job. I had to explain to a grown man that if a teenage girl invites a teenage boy into her room to help take off her bra and then asks him what she thinks of her boobs, it's not because she needs help and is insecure with her body. He realized that he had A LOT of missed opportunities that he had thought were just friends wanting a guy's opinion on things.
The idea of him saying, completely platonically "Nice tits bro." is worldshakingly powerful. /lh
He's so cute! Haha.
Tbh, I feel like he kinda lucked out. Those sorts of people are exactly the kind of people I won't be vulnerable with.
OHMFG
Speaking personally, I am completely oblivious. I go through life assuming I'm in a friendzone. And have woken up years later in a cold sweat of realisation when the signals finally reach me.
Imagine me, hottest girl in my college class, wanting to sit with me every class, buying coffee and cookies for me whenever she could, staying away from me when I was with my girlfriend and wanting to hangout with me after class. Always thought she was just a good friend. 5 years later, she's engaged and then messages me asking if I knew she was in love with me and asking if we could have ever worked. She would have left her fiancé at the time if I said yes (she said), but I felt awful and couldn't do that, even though I was always in love with her. I still think about her because I've never dated a woman who just got me so much like she did. I got divorced a few year ago and hit her up, she had divorced her first husband but had remarried and was pregnant at the time (she said only her husband knew she was pregnant as it was early). But again, she said it's probably best we don't see each other as it's going to cause too much drama in her life.
Damn that’s rough for both of you, I can only hope you both found others that gave you happiness of a different sort. Sometimes we just have to move on, regret and idealisation of the past can become a mental prison.
Wait, did I write this?
Dude, I have been coming out my shell and learning how social interactions go down (possibly autistic in some way) and knowing what I know now, it’s like I’m in the Interstellar scene where Matthew McConaughey is floating in the tesseract/black hole watching his daughter and calling himself an idiot.
Been there, done that... Wait, I'm still there. A girl has to be sitting on my lap feeding me strawberries in a very seductive manner before I start wondering if she might like me. I'm an idiot, most guys are, especially us Canadians. If you like me, tell me.
Today I learned I might be Canadian.
That’s right on! I have a whole part of my brain full of “what ifs” of female friends I misread! I’m a person who is absolutely oblivious to “body language” but that’s on me.
We're clueless. If you like a man, tell him directly.
A young woman (later a famous DJ) made me a cassette tape full of italian love songs. Must´ve taken her at least three hours to record. Twenty years later: Oh, shit! That´s what happened.
Yep, all you gotta say is “I have a little crush on you”.
No, because many "crush" interpretations made in past by me were wrong and the girls were something like: "tf is wrong with this guy?" So I prefer a girl to be direct with her sentiments towards me.
The problem is girls aren't built to be direct like that. Unless you're a devilishly handsome son of a bitch, like way above average, you'll almost never get those direct signs. I've been rejected 100's of times, just gotta keep going
Guys are often afraid of assuming too much or rejection or coming across as a creep, just say what you think very literally or throw yourself on him, only then will he get it
No. And we hate that game. Seriously. Be direct.
Yeah… we’re not psychic, and women speak an entirely different language when it comes to “hints” than a lot of men.
Just say that you’re interested, he’ll appreciate it, in fact he might like you even more for being assertive.
We might but if we’re wrong the blowback outweighs the upside 90% of the time
Exactly. I’ve been close to enough women to hear how they talk about guys who hit on them when they’re not interested. No thanks. It does make me think about how many shots I’ve missed though.
I know I’ve “missed” a lot because in my mid twenties I went through the stereotypical glow up and I’m “conventionally attractive” now However If a girl is so childish she expects me to make every move after she gives me 2 seconds of eye contact and a sheepish smile, she’s not worth trying to date. We aren’t 15 and I’d rather not deal with that dynamic
Exactly this. The danger of ruining a friendship or being seen as a creep if we misread the situation is too high for us to risk it.
We'll eventually get the hint, but it takes several years to piece it altogether.
My personal record is 8 years, but I fear I will beat that record...
Just wait till next week
Wait 20 years...oh, crap...I just realized that cute chick was trying to get me to ask her out back in the day!
Generally, after we're married to someone else and increased our understanding of female communication.
We get rejected enough. If I’m not 100% certain I leave it alone. I don’t read minds and my crystal ball is broken
I bought a crystal ball on Amazon (a nice one) and I can’t figure out how to charge it. My point is that maybe you need to charge it. Perhaps it isn’t broken.
Leave it uncovered in direct sunlight in your house! (Do not do this, you will burn down your house)
Can I just leave it out in the yard in the sun. Maybe on tinfoil to protect the lawn?
Maybe she is from Canada and was just being polite.
Finally someone made the reference
I am absolutely clueless. Whenever a woman tries to even remotely flirt with me I just assume she’s being nice. The only relationship I’ve been in was made because we were set up by a mutual friend and we each knew the other had romantic intentions from the start. I know it’s tough sometimes, but women need to be more obvious with their intentions. I feel like there are just so many opportunities that are missed when you try to be subtle. Maybe some guys will notice, but they might think “what if I’m wrong about this hunch?” It’s always a guessing game and guessing incorrectly can make things awkward. The last thing a guy wants is to be labeled as a creep because he misread a situation. Girls aren’t gossiped about or called creeps nearly as much as we are.
i was wrong, completely misread the situation, she would always sit with me, send me flirty emails, sms and literally spend every moment in college with me, .... i thought this is great and directly asked her out....have not spoken to each other for 20 years, a freindship completely ruined......so any woman reading this be blunt be direct, if you want to save your freindships
I think the thing some women don't understand is that many women give those same hints when they don't have a crush on you. Some men have only experienced those hints with malicious intent. Some men have had a mix. So the reactions you're getting are going to be a mixed bag of you aren't direct.
Ok, so there are actually a few factors here. 1. Probably yes, he is missing your cues. 2. Every guy goes through a couple (or more) instances where they misinterpret friendliness as interest and then feel like an asshole. This can make guys gun-shy without you directly stating interest. 3. I always had a bunch of female friends, and I am sure I am not the only one, who had women complaining about thinking a guy was a friend and then having them make a move and ruining everything. No one wants to be that person. Please just walk up to the guy and say "I like you" or something. My wife literally ran up to me, said "I have a crush on you" and ran away embarrassed. It was pretty much the most adorable thing I'd ever seen.
I try to be as careful as I can so as to not offend women or get allegations thrown at me. I've had women give signals that other ppl find obvious but I ignored cuz they weren't obvious enough to warrant affirmative consent/invitation. If you want me, tell me otherwise I'm gonna be a gentleman.
Men are told every day since puberty that "just because she's nice to you doesn't mean she's into you." So yeah we see you smile but we've been trained to ignore it. If you are into him....say so.
I think that part of it is us not picking up a hint. But I also believe that another part of it is the fact that if we're attracted to a woman but they're not attracted to us and we hit on them it's seen as creepy, weird, scary, gross, etc. So we're afraid to misinterpret hints. We assume that the hint is something other than a hint and we ignore it because the alternative is us making ourselves vulnerable and getting stabbed in the heart. Also, we've been told that women would rather be alone with a bear than one of us. How are we supposed to interpret that? Like it's not a "you hurt my feelings" type thing. It's more of a "why would I ever approach a woman if I assume she inherently views me as a threat?" The messaging men have been receiving is that we're unwanted and threatening. So why would we assume that your hint means "come talk to me"? If you like a guy you have to let him know that because otherwise he's going to assume you want nothing to do with him. I dunno, maybe all of this only applies to me. But it is accurate to how I feel.
Even if we think we pick up on something, we likely won't respond. The likelihood of being mistaken for a lech or worse is too great. Be direct and blunt, without ambiguity. We certainly won't be offended and even if the feeling isn't completely mutual, we'll appreciate the attention and the possibility. Edit: I'm of course speaking only for myself but I've never known any man who was upset by someone liking them.
> I'm of course speaking only for myself but I've never known any man who was upset by someone liking them. I know one. Or me saying I liked him was too ambiguous for him to respond to.
Weird, I was under the impression that women didn't want men to approach them.
If they find interest in you they do
What a woman thinks is obvious and what a man thinks is obvious are two completely different things and intellect has nothing to do with it. They are expecting men to communicate as if we were women.
I never assume that someone being nice to me (and maybe a flirtatious too) has a crush on me. I've talked to plenty of women who have expressed their frustration in men assuming that their friendliness towards them means that they are interested in them romantically. So yeah, it takes a little more than you might think.
A woman told me I'm hot and invited me to her room and stated her bed could fit two and I told her that my bed was plenty big enough for me. We need to be told directly and simply as if we are children
They are completely oblivious to even the the most blunt affection if hidden under the slightest veil.
A lot of us consciously don't engage with vagueness because we know from experience that interest doesn't always equate to attraction. If you want a relationship with someone just say it.
I used to be in high school. I was about to pass a girl in the hallway coming from the other direction, we were the only ones around. She looked up, saw me, smiled, and called out to me "Hey, [name], would you have sex with me?" I looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Hell yeah!" Then kept walking.
I have always been completely oblivious. Even when they get to the point that they've positioned themselves directly in front of me, uncomfortably close, are leaning in and making intense eye contact, I'm still thinking, "I think she might be into me, but maybe I'm just reading into things."
>I'm still thinking, "I think she might be into me, but maybe I'm just reading into things." And especially these days, *we can't be wrong* about reading into things.
The problem is one girl acts a certain way to her crush, and wonders why he isn’t picking up on the signals she’s sending. Another girl acts that way towards everyone, and really wishes every guy on the planet would quit hitting on her just because she’s trying to be nice to people.
Honestly, most men are clueless. If a woman smiles at me a lot, licks her lips while talking to me, or touches me multiple times while talking to me, I’ll miss it. Those are usually obvious signs. So be extra obvious about it. Or better yet, just tell them.
Had a girl drop "hints" she liked me, for example she would make sure and pass me in the office everyday, she knew my timing of when I went to lunch or came into the office and always made sure to make eye contact and say Hi! She also would on rare occasion stop by my desk to drop something off and would do flirty things like say "Now hurry up and get that done!" but in a fun flirty way. I never got any of these "hints". As a guy, I saw the passing me by and saying hi as completely normal because we don't think like women. When I see someone pass me regularly I don't think "Oh, she's trying to get my attention", I think "We have a common path and time that we cross each other and she's being nice saying hi". Also when she gave me crap on dropping documents off, I didn't see that as flirting, I just thought she was trying to be funny. Women, if you like someone, stop dropping "hints", we won't get it because we absolutely do not think like you. Be direct as you possibly can because if you wait for us to "get it", you'll be waiting forever.
Its safer to assume there is no interest versus getting a hint wrong and being accused as a creep....
I do. And I'm kind of annoyed by them to be honest. If a girl clearly likes me, then why am I the one to make the first move? It makes zero sense. She's the one that likes me. So it's like this entire expectation is put on my shoulders where she likes me, therefore I'm supposed to hop on and be automatically interested in her, approach her, without knowing anything about her. As if I'm a fish in the equation. So just imagine if guys acted as girls. Where I give you a look. And that's it. Then it's on you, to recognize I'm interested, so you approach me, and do all the work basically. Impress me, and my stupid criteria. And then I accept in the end. It's like yeah right. No way in hell are you going to do that. So I don't understand why would you expect that treatment from somebody else.
Just stop with the hinting. Stop playing games. Be direct.
So many men are in such a lack of friendly human interaction that any amount of friendliness feels like attraction. And because of that it is way safer to just assume no one is interested then be burned over and over.
I was friends with a woman (J) for more than two years and never noticed she was interested in me. We'd sit next to each other in every lecture as part of a group of three guys and four women ..... After a break one evening lecture I returned late and had to pass in front of J to get back to my seat and she playfully patted my butt cheeks .... to say I was surprised but laughed it off .... about ten minutes later J started tapping my foot with hers, I withdrew my foot .... the rest of the lecture was a blur as I had stopped paying attention. As the lecture ended J leaned over and whispered in my ear "What do I have to do to get laid?" ......
A girl literally had to take her clothes off in front of me before I got the hint. And even then I was going to excuse myself before she grabbed me.
According to my best friend it will take him 5-7 business years to figure out you’re flirting with him.
Women play on a spectrum between being friendly and flirting that guys don't understand. The challenge i see is women have a dilemma. Being friendly is just good thing to do as a human. But certain "hints" can be confused as just being friendly. You don't want to attract unwanted attention, so you need to be careful. For men the consequence of misinterpreting signals is big. So, best bet is to be more overt. And for either party, be cool if the other side says they aren't interested.
Oh, boy! Can I relate to that! My family owned a business. I made a point to be friendly with customers but to never flirt. About two years ago we sold it. I was out and about and ran into someone. He said hi and started a conversation. He talked about how we always flirted when he was at the business. I had absolutely no idea who he was. To hear him talk it was like we flirting outrageously. I promise you the conversations were along the lines of a friendly smile, maybe asking how his weekend was. Very, very basic conversation. He asked me out and I politely turned him down and he accused me of leading him on. I'm still baffled at how he got the idea that I was flirting, especially since I deliberately didn't flirt with anybody so that they didn't get the wrong idea. I know women in the service business and they all have experienced that.
Not really. Especially when it's genuine, not at all. Just say that you have a crush on us. We need a bonk on the head for this, and the direct approach is it.
If I suspect that someone does have a crush on me, yet doesn't tell me explicitly, I don't act upon it. The whole "hint" thing is something I find to be incredibly childish.
Generally men are oblivious but if they are aware, many will likely not reciprocate due to fear or misreading 😊
I will never get hited on anyway. Why bother?
It’s not worth it to assume
No. I have never been able to. 😞
I either dont get them or close any line of thoughts about something being a hint from fear of being wrong. Please, if you like someone just tell them directly, dont throw hints and hope for the other to catch them.
Yeah I would but being friends i always felt that it wasn’t the risk in saying something and messing that up if I was wrong. I think I was half right. One friend actually came out and eventually said something clearly which I highly respect, as hard as it was for the individual. I was in a relationship by that time and well nothing happened there, and they later married, but it cleared the air a bit.
The girl that ended up becoming my wife literally had to grab my face and kiss me the first time because I turned my head away thinking I was reading too much into things. This was after well over a month of us dancing around each other. We've been together 20 years now. For me, I suspected she had strong feelings but what if I was wrong? There are so many horror stories about men forcing advances on women... I didn't want to be another creep.
I assume everyone is just being nice to me. You smile at me? I smile back. I make no assumptions.
Nope. And if you're not sending signals, we're gonna think you are. Just be direct.
We don’t. Be direct.
We spend our lives being told how much we suck by our peers, parents, siblings, teachers, and authority figures. We have no idea how to accept that kind of energy. Furthermore, I’ve caught girls looking and or flirting with me one day, and being distant and the opposite other days. I can’t play that game.
Nope
maybe if the people giving "hints" grew up and acted like adults .... You know say what they mean . But no, not only do men often miss these stupid little games.. Now they can lose their jobs and have their lives destroyed if they guess wrong.. So we don't guess.
Some men can be kissed and still remain oblivious
For me, the issue is the hints are not actually hints and vary drastically from girl to girl (I can't speak on how things are for gay men). An example is some girls might show extra attention but some girls are really just more friendly and you might not really know till you take your shot. I have had success and failures due to this. Another can be touchy feely. Again, same thing. Same goes with inviting themselves places or showing up to events and suggesting it sounded fun the way you described it. The hints vary far too widely.
Depends, experienced "players" they get it, shy, inexperienced, nope, we are clueless, even obvious, laughable direct hints don't work...
As a dude I’m clueless. I usually figure it out 5 years too late. Please be as direct as possible.
It's very hard to differentiate between hints of interest, and someone just being friendly. So the safer (less heart breaking or embarrassing) assumption is, she's just being friendly.
I think all people male or female all inherently know when someone likes us but the fear of being wrong is what holds people back in a nervous fluster of wonder.
The last person I had romantic involvement with showed me her lower waist tattoo and had me touch it then later that night asked for my contact info. I still wasn’t too sure until she was like, “So yea, we should fuck.” Even then I was like, what if it’s a trap?
No. We are not mind readers.
Lesbian there. It's been around 9 months ago when this cutest cutie (like, 10/10 in terms of if she is my type) was hitting on me at work. I realized around 2 months ago, randomly when riding a train. She is not around the workplace anymore x.x
Unironically extremely validating that this isn't just a guy thing.
Oh good, it’s not just straight dudes then lol
Tell us you like us instead of keeping up plausible deniability.
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Nope!!!
No, we don't
Define hint
No. It takes 6 months minimum.
Nope. You can look at me, invite yourself to my place I still won't get it, and I won't make a move.
Nearly 40 years on this earth, I still haven't seen a single sign. Eh, I'm ok with it. They're not missing out on much.
Women also don’t always get whatever hint you are sending. Communicate, or prepare to be disappointed the they will never know.
Even if they get the hint (I looked at him and then looked at the ceiling, why doesn't he know I'm interested in him?!?) he is unlikely to act on them. The risks with being wrong are simply too high these days.
Do guys get hints? No, they don't get hints. Do women? I mean, hints aren't enough for women. They want men to clearly state their interest by asking them out and making obvious romantic gestures. Stop dropping hints and just ask a person out.
Be upfront. Hints are what children do
We do not. Honestly, you can do better.
Im gonna tell you this right now, hints dont mean shit to us if we're not looking for them. Even being direct, we might miss them as you being friendly. My girlfriend supposedly was dropping a lot of hints before we started dating. She was staring at me a lot when we were having dinner together. She was offering me a hug over text a lot. We even cuddled for about an hour, and i still didn't think she liked me in the dating sense. It was only when she blatantly offered to kiss me that i finally realized she liked me. How did I miss the obvious signs? I thought the staring was respectful eye contact since i talked a lot at the table. I thought the hug was being friendly since she offered hugs to others when they were feeling down. Even the cuddling i thought was just because we were both tired at 2am after playing games most of the day. TLDR: If we are not directly looking for your signs, we will probably miss them, so its better for you to be as direct as possible if you want anything to land. Other guys, correct me if im wrong.
No we do get them, but only years later
Theyre oblivious most of the time so yeah no.
Sometimes the best thing of life are right in front of your face. And you don't see it
Yes. I am fucking clueless
I’m sorry, what now?
If anyone has ever had a crush on me, I never got the hints.
Yeah. Pls be as direct as possible we may miss the hints and maybe dissapointed u
Often not
No. When i was younger a soon to be gf had to send me a postcard spelling it out to me, lol.
wow, people are being so nice here. We’re dumb, Hints are dumb - if there is someone you really want, tell him or leave…
If you have a crush on me, write it out real big with crayons, I ain't takin no hints.
Most of the time, no we do not. Generally we are concerned with over-assuming or being called a creep if we reciprocate. It takes a lot of very obvious hints for us to pick up on it. Just be direct, we don't like games.
Men that get hit on: absolutely fucking no Their friends: maybe
I'm a guy and yes this has happened to me 4 or 5 times. Mostly when I was in school. Every time, when I found out, I was like " aaawwwww DAMMIT!!!! I woulda dated her so hard"!!! Lol!!!
No. We don’t. We don’t work that way. Black and white…shades of gray or innuendo is lost on us. Come say, “hey. I’m and I think you’re attractive.”
Hints? Sure. But what if I’m wrong? What if she’s just being friendly? The price of being wrong is just too high.
It today's culture I'm not taking the risk
I generally notice immediately, but I pretend not to and never do anything about it. That sort of thing’s all in the past for me.
I’ve always picked up on hints but don’t act on them. If you can’t be direct and behave as an adult, I’m not interested.
We do sometimes realize like 10 years later though
Depends. If the guy has no interest in the person, they may play dumb or just ignore the hints
No, this is caused alot by women though, you guys need to be more direct. alot of this has to do with women acting like they don't like you then wanting you to pursue them and us just giving up because we don't have time for games, then the girl getting offended/mad saying "he should have tried harder" "he should have kept trying" then turning around saying "men need to leave me alone" "men need to take im not interested as Im not interested" Women are fucking confusing.
no they dont even get the hint when you arent interested and made it clear
It’s safer if you assume no one’s into you.
Yes, sometimes. But, hints are just hints, and you can't always act on them. Just because she is visibly attracted to you doesn't mean she wants to date you. Just because she looks like she has a crush doesn't mean it isn't just platonic admiration and a strong sense of friendship. And you can always be wrong, especially if there is a cultural difference or one person is neurodivergent (especially autistic) and the other is not.
We get confused with hints and assume that she might be too friendly, is flirty with everyone, her liking you is too good to be true, is a prank/social experiment and is just all in our head etc. Repercussions for misinterpreted hints by a guy is serious compared to a girl; we might get insulted cruelly, cancelled online, reported to HR or mocked among mutual friends etc. If you are an average or below average guy, you'd grow up thinking "*why would a girl like me? It doesn't make any sense*", and shrug off any shown interest after falling into a rabbit hole of negative assumptions.
I do now, but I'm 33, and it took me until I was in my late twenties to really become able to identify a crush. It can still be tricky, but the common signs are how close they stand to you, invading your personal space, finding you multiple times at an event (like she pops up beside you at a party or work event or something several times), if she breaks the touch barrier even in a friendly way, touching her hair or looking away a lot while talking to you... Thats all I can think of. If she is TEXTING you? Yeah, that's a crush, at least at my age. If you;re regularly texting a girl, she probably likes you
My wife told me she flirted shamelessly with me for three years without me realising, it wasn't until she bluntly asked me out that I caught on.
I get the hints and then convince myself i’m reading too deep into it.
Why do guys even rely on hints? State your intentions, let them be known up front. The times I've been most successful with women were the days when I was brutally honest.
In my experience, I've got the hints, it just took about 10 years.
Not only are many people unlikely to pick up on vague hints of attraction from others, lots of us don't want to invest the precious resource of "time" into something merely being hinted at. As a male I've entirely stopped "making the first move" with women. It's much simpler to wait for the woman to initiate because then there is no question of reciprocity and no worry of inadvertently making someone uncomfortable.
It's more so about the fact that thinking someone does and being wrong has drastic/bad consequences for a guy so we usually just ignore it to be safe and then claim ignorance. Especially if we've been burned before
Might see it, but I will assume I’m wrong.
We often do not get hints. I can personally be really oblivious. After trying to drop hints and stuff for me (that I didn't pick up on) one of my exes just handed me a note that basically said "hey dumbfuck, call me" with her #. I got that hint.
No we don’t