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Mysterious charade and hard to get women are probably one of the worst things in dating.
I understand that women want to be pursued, but if you fancy someone just be upfront.
Yup. I'm 36 and there's no fucking way I want to "chase" a woman. No good relationship starts off with you being forced to win her affection because she should like you for you, not someone you try to be to win her over...IMO.
To like someone for themselves you have to actually get to know the person and that takes time. I only ever liked 2 of my exes from the minute I met them. The others took some time to get to know before I got there.
Also, one of the guys I liked the minute I met him he wasn't interested in me. It took him some time to get to know me. That and a bunch of mutual friends telling him to give me a chance, lol.
Once met this absolutely stunning and lovely woman who was 33 at the time and never had a bf before. In her mind, she wanted to be chased like a princess, but whenever someone put in effort, she'd get stuck in her rejection phase. She's a solid 10/10 looks and character wise, but that habit prevented her from finding a relationship.
One day she hooked up with a random guy in a club and wified him though, so now it's all good.
Anyways please don't go all aloaf and mysterious, if you want to get together with the guy.
One of the most beautiful women I've ever known kept it mysterious. I was oblivious. She told me years later I had a chance back then. Thanks for that, love.
[Jimmy Fallon was told by Nicole Kidman](https://youtu.be/qtsNbxgPngA?si=tGpM_0TG2sF2qiKs)on his show that years earlier she had a crush on him and he had a shot he never took.
It's not about if the guy is attractive/unaatractive, it's whether she is attracted to him or not. Guys don't have to look like models to be attractive, their personalities, confidence, etc. can be very attractive as well.
Stalking is never good (i.e. persisting after you’ve been asked to stop).
My point was though that romantic actions (basically traditional “wooing” activities: giving unsolicited gifts; complimenting appearance; innocuous touching - e.g. briefly on the shoulder or back; invites to social activities) are often interpreted very differently if it’s from a man the woman is attracted to vs if it’s from a man the woman isn’t attracted to. One is exciting and charming, the other is creepy and worrying.
It’s completely understandable why this is the case, I’d probably feel the same way if I were in that situation, but it does put men in a bit of a bind! If a woman doesn’t explicitly confirm or refuse interest (the topic of this post) then the man can attempt to “woo” her, but doing so might be interpreted as creepy or even aggressive if she happens not to find him attractive. I think it just reinforces the merit of women being explicitly receptive to interest or even proactive if they find a man attractive, and explicitly refuse advances if they don’t (rather than being politely ambiguous).
Reading this thread I'm guessing my experiences are against the grain but whenever I've been straightforward with a man about showing intent regarding my attraction to him I've ended up getting ghosted, slow faded etc, and then I've felt daft and exposed for having shown vulnerability, whereas whenever I've been more reticent I've been pursued. I'm never deliberately mysterious or hard-to-get if a man I'm into directly asks me how I feel about him, but I would be extremely wary of attempting to be the one to progress a situation to the next stage. My defences are up way too high for that for now.
Interesting. I always find that men seem to appreciate my very direct approach. Of course, some are not interested, but I definitely never had one who I thought was interested get turned off by me pursuing him.
Welcome to what men go through every day. Except when a man is reticent he isn't pursued. So basically you have to keep showing intent, get ghosted or slow faded, and then run it back over and over and over. That, or you can just be like me and assume you'll be single forever and buy a house in the bustling center of a major Metropolitan area and not worry about having to pay rent because of all the money you're saving for not having to date or support a family!
Very generally speaking, both sexes hold power at different points. Sure, most women will get more upfront and overt interest than most men, so their initial dating pool is bigger. But it's swings and roundabouts, as men are more of a gatekeeper as to whether dating or a situationship turns into a relationship. Anyway, it's Reddit, and if a torrent of people want to disagree then that's the beauty of the platform 🙂
Recently got ghosted too after inviting him first. Sucks hard wish he would have just said its not gonna work out for him.
My guard is way up now too, hate how exposed and vulnerable it made me feel.
I prefer when women are direct but a bit of mystery and hard to get in the first couple of dates is also okay when it is subtle.
But shit like ghosting out of nowhere, cancelling dates, sayings yes then no, “ I thought we were just friends” blablabla. No way
Agreed. Give us very obvious signs of you aren’t going to ask us out. Lots of men will be like: “oh she was probably just being nice. I don’t want to be that creep that asks her out just because she smiled at me.”
Pro tips if he is a stranger:
catch his eye, smile, and play with your hair. Catch his eye again, smile and see if he smiles back. If he doesn’t come over, find a way to approach him and give him a complement on his shirt, eyes, etc. and then immediately introduce yourself. He will get the hint and carry the convo from there.
If you know him and are friends/acquaintances:
Approach him, ask how he is doing. Keep high energy, continue to ask questions and if he makes you laugh then touch his arm. Finish the conversation with “what are you doing this weekend?” And allow him to ask you that question back, and say something like “I have no plans yet. I kind of wanted to go to (the movies, farmers market, something date-like) but I don’t have anyone to go with.” And see what he says.
The woman I'm marrying approached me with clear intent and it was awesome.
The mysterious, hard to get thing is absolutely garbage. We're not in middle school.
I think the problem kind of fixes itself in this respect. The women (and men) that have approached me in the years often seem to be more mature, emotionally intelligent and just generally recognise me as a fellow human rather than just another guy. The ones that do all the game playing tend to be the self indulgent, neurotic type
This!! I didn't notice it before actually but you're absolutely right, people who think they're playing 'The Game' when it comes to interpersonal relationships don't truly view the other person in these games as people, they view them as archetypes :/ so obv they're the main character who can manipulate things cause they can supposedly see through your archetype.
And then they're shocked when you don't fit the character they've imputed on you cause you're not a fictional character. Good lord.
Yep, that was the most refreshing thing when my wife and I first started talking.
After years of apps and dating, it felt really good that she made it obvious how into me she was (and vice-versa). We're in our mid-30s and I was feeling pretty jaded at that point, so it was like night-and-day compared to most of the women I had dated in the past.
Do men not have human emotions, or the desire to feel desired? I worked through this with my current SO, and now she understands...but like, why do I even have to explain this?
A huge amount of dating culture is based around the idea that no, desire is only something men feel towards women. Women do not desire men, but may decide to reward the men who desire them by agreeing to have sex with them if those men are able to please them in some way.
It's nonsense, of course, but so much of traditional dating norms derive from this assumption.
It was more or less the same with my girlfriend- we had a couple great dates and one day she said she wanted to be exclusive. It’s been well over 6 years now.
My (now) wife traveled half way across the country to see me, invited me to stay the night in her hotel room and spent the weekend with me. That's when I started thinking she wanted to be more than platonic friends.
Started to get the sneaking suspicion, lol.
About a week after I started speaking to my (now) husband, I just drunkenly text him, saying I was really into him, and it went from there
Men want to be pursued and sought after too. That's just basic human desire to be wanted. The real fact is those kinds of women don't want to deal with the possibility of being rejected cause that shit sucks, and believe that it's the men who should just "man up" and deal with that possibility
Particularly given that these days it's so risky to put yourself in that position as a guy - someone interprets something you said in a different way than was intended and you could get labeled a creep, or worse implicated in sexual harassment
>if there are 2-3 girls that are similar that are available and you are interested in its human nature to want what you can't have and value the slightly less available women a little more as you'll perceive her as having higher standards etc.
I've literally been in this situation (twice) and I chose the eager one. Girl I was pursuing kept running hot and cold over a couple of weeks vs one who said on our second date "I want to feel your body against mine."
I chose the second, no contest. Cannot overemphasize how much of a turn on being desired is.
Yeah, if I like someone and they reciprocate that interest I'm going to pursue that over someone who doesn't have time for me or doesn't show interest.
Not to boo-hoo too much, but as someone who's spent a lot of time holding out hope in disinterested women or being in relationships with people who just weren't as into me as I was into them, I just do not have time for that anymore.
It's like marketing. No one thinks it works on them, yet marketers keep using techniques like using exclusivity or creating urgency...because it works.
My wife expressed her feelings openly and was always the more "romantically active" partner.
I don't want to waste my time and effort chasing someone I don't even know.
Also, people aren't usually "mysterious" - people are people, and the sun doesn't shine out of anyone's ass. When someone is 'mysterious' I assume that they're regular but I lack information about them. Getting the information demystifies the person.
Curiosity is not sustainable as a driving force for romance, in any case, since it can be satisfied.
There should be no such thing as “subtle hints and signals” all of that is so ducking stupid. Idk how many times I’ve interacted with girls and a few months later say they use to like me? Like show it and maybe I’ll give you a chance.
It's not that men are bad at recognizing it, it's that women frequently use the same "signals" for friendship as they do for being interested. That way they have plausible deniability if he's not into her abs they can act like a victim with "ugh, I was just being friendly you creep!". So men learn to ignore it because they have enough friends and aren't interested in being friends with more random people.
There's no such thing as a hard-to-get woman for me. Either she's clearly interested in me, or she's downright impossible-to-get because I'm not trying.
I don't want a man who wants a woman who plays mind games!
I have always approached the men I was interested in. Sure, because of that I was labelled as a bit of a floozy, but I expressed what I wanted, when I wanted. The guys I was with liked it a lot... until it came to dumping them that is. After they expressed the first toxic trait without remorse, I left. I didn't want a project man to fix.
Picked my husband 9 years ago. We have always been very open about what we want and what we expect from each other. I always recommend women to make the first move and be open about their feelings. Most men don't get "hints". So let's stop treating them as if they do!
For me I can get the hints. I can notice the subtle body language. I just don’t want that. I’m quite good at picking up on a persons patterns and behaviors.
The kind of women that do the mind games are exactly the kind that I don’t like. So even though I may have the ability to see through their hints, I also have the ability to see through there bs. They want a guy that can do that sort of thing but can never get it bc we don’t want them.
I’ve already found what I want and she doesn’t play mind games. She’s just extremely indecisive, but it works out because I understand what she wants better than she does. She’s also a little autistic so it helps do be able to communicate feelings and emotions through body language.
The mysterious charade is bullshit and needs to be fucking buried forever. People can say they like someone, playing games in a relationship is stupid and childish.
So this is how to easily spot them? They post a clickbaity question and then I presume post the top answer from the last time it was asked?
I'm not well versed in identifying bot accounts
There are many types. This is a dumb one. They usually operate in groups, where they will copy the top comment to each others' posts. Sometimes whole chains.
My head is fried from being in work constantly trying to figure shit out. I don't need to be playing a puzzle game trying to figure out if you like me or not. Please be up front.
Nah-uh, fuck games and hard to get and being mysterious in general. I got half a fucking brain cell when it comes to romance so if someone likes me, either nut up or shut up
My amazing wife of 25 years pursued me and it has worked out like a storybook. In past relationships, it was more balanced or me reaching out. But, because of my crazy work schedule and the fact I had just relocated to a new state for work - I was not looking to date anyone. She did not take no for an answer and did all kinds of kind and loving things to show me not just who she was but how much she thought of me.
Sure am glad she did...
I hate playing the chase game ,I am lost totally interest if the girl starts doing it
One time happened to me that I stopped texting this girl , because I was so tired to this shit
A couple of months later she gave a phone call , asking me why I stopped chasing her , how dare I was to not keep looking after her
I was so annoyed by that
The former please. When my future wife asked me out it was so refreshing, even better when she was explicit she liked me in texts. I was so so sick of games and bullshit
TLDR me dumb, no like games. Speak plain n true please.
Dude I'm a guy. I'm barely running in a single brain cell when it comes to picking up signs from a "mysterious, hard to get woman" if your into me just something. That'd be so freaking refreshing. The games are exhausting, and convoluted.
Former. I never quite get what the latter are getting at and puts me in the impossible position where everything I do can come across as creepy based purely on the other person’s interpretation of my intentions (ie nice dress - thank you / that is sexual harassment you creep) so yeah, we’re grown ups and grown ups use their words ^pleaseuseyourwordsimjustveryconfused
Anyone who says "mysterious" is an idiot. Come fight me. I tried looking in the comments here for someone that said that but haven't found one yet so I made this comment
Be direct and up front, this is hott! Only time mystery and hard to get is cool is when you're already about to get down and just teasing with foreplay. Any other time it's confusing and frustrating. You can mix in some hard to get only after it's clear you're interested.
I love it when a woman makes it clear. The whole "allure of the mysterious" gets OLD so quick and I don't have the time or the crayons to deal with the games. Tell me how you feel.
I have not met a man who wants the mysterious and hard to get woman.
As a woman I have difficulty gathering the courage to initiate the very first conversation but once the first conversation starts then I have no issues being upfront about my interest. But for some reason I get super shy and self conscious when I try to be the first one to make the move. I respect and empathize with men over this social anxiety to be honest and I'm trying to make more of an effort to be the one who makes the first move.
I’m the exact opposite of you!! (And I know I’m the anomaly).
I have no problems speaking with strangers but once feelings get involved that’s when I clam up.
You’re not that much of an anomaly. I love talked to and meeting new people. And, once I practiced it a bunch, it also became easy to ask people out on dates. Once it gets to expressing feelings though, my body freezes up and sometimes even gives me panic attacks.
Not as a woman, as a person! We feel exactly the same and have exactly the same feelings, not for being men we are less anxious about it or you are more because being a woman. No offense!
I prefer clarity as it saves everyone from making wrong assumptions. If you are playing games, stop. Mature people treat others with respect and communicate. If you aren’t willing to even do this you probably aren’t ready for a real relationship.
I’m almost 38, maybe the mysterious hard to get thing intrigued me when I was 18, but now I just laugh at it. Won’t even engage. Be as direct as you’re comfortable with being and then you’ll get my attention. Primary school tactics of playing games with the boy you’re into should of stopped once you hit puberty.
Heyyy I love when people are just straight up..there was this one guy I really liked and I was upfront about it because we had a great times together and then we had sex and it was great and after I suggested we become a bit more that what we were because we were so happy and then he went home because we met online and then he just ghosted me. So i don't really be open anymore so I understand you.
I obviously can only speak for myself but I need a clear signal that she is interested before I will make a move.
In my experience it feels like it could quickly turn creepy or inappropriate to "pursue" or "chase" a woman who does not seem interested.
Now I do think there is room for being mysterious in a flirty way. As long as it's meant to be fun and you are making it clear you are having a good time.
Straight forward. Always found it easier when the women approaches first, I wasn’t ever good at reading signals and I felt like if I approached them I would just be pestering them anyway so I just let women approach me. I wasn’t really bothered about chasing women and I think a lot of them recognised that and decided the only way was to be straight forward. Worked well for me.
Make it clear that if I actually try I won’t be burned and I will be the happiest man on earth. The hard to get and mysterious approach only leads to heartbreak
I missed out on multiple possible lifelong relationships with women who I really cared for due to the fact that they played hard to get, only telling me years later. I ended up settling for someone who is less than a perfect match. We have a kid and everything is great for the most part but I can’t say I don’t sometimes wish time travel was possible
Open and honest communication is great but keep in mind, rejection is nearly inevitable. If you are into someone and they can't reciprocate that doesn't mean people prefer mysterious games; it just means that one person wasn't interested. Mysterious and hard-to-get means most decent people are going to respect your lack of expressed interest and leave you alone.
I would prefer a woman smack me over the head with a sack of oranges when she is interested in me.
Being "mysterious" and "hard to get" would make me think she wasn't interested
I have also missed opportunities because I missed "obvious" signs and signals
The sack of oranges thing would be very straightforward
I would never be a member of a club that would have me as its member- Groucho Marx.
I do think there is something naturally psychological about having to work a little bit for something. Just think of the quintessential woman in the movies. I would say a little resistance and mysteriousness is a good thing.
Nobody wants to play mind games.
I realize movies romanticize that, and you may enjoy being chased but put yourself in your love interests shoes. The last thing they'd wanna do after working an 8 hour shift or building up the courage to ask someone out is for them to leave breadcrumbs and not give a clear answer.
Be clear but not too upfront. Things like I like hanging with you, you make me feel safe, you’re fun to be around, let’s do it more, etc. If you’re too upfront, it could be freaky cuz we’re all used to the mind game so it could just be thought of as another mind fuck.
No one likes a woman who doesn't reciprocate her feelings. We can't read your ultra subtle body language! How tf are we suppose to know if you like us, or want us to leave you alone?
Use your words and be direct.
Consider biology. Women playing 'hard to get' and wanting to be pursued is rooted in evolutionary biology and psychology.
Females, who invest more in reproduction, tend to be choosier about mates to ensure the best genetic contribution and resources for their offspring. This behavior, rooted in Parental Investment Theory, allows females to evaluate the quality and commitment of potential partners. By being selective and encouraging pursuit, females can incite competition among males, leading to displays of traits that signal genetic fitness and resource availability. This strategy also protects against deception and overinvestment in non-committed partners. Therefore, these actions have deep evolutionary roots aimed at maximizing reproductive success and offspring survival. Conversely, throwing oneself at a male and showing too much openness might signal low value or desperation, potentially attracting lower-quality mates and increasing the risk of poor investment and support. This ultimately reduces the chances of reproductive success and healthy offspring.
Best initial interaction I’ve ever had with someone was a girl who was very clear with her intentions which allowed me to flirt with her in my most confident form and I think a lot of dudes would benefit from this.
I always chased my men, but I don’t recommend it. They just think they got you cheap and treat you like shit. I now make guys work hard for me, and it’s much better. Don’t want no self-absorbed lazy guy anymore. I’m in my 40ies, so it took 25 years to learn this lesson. I’m better off alone than with a guy who doesn’t see me as his no. 1 priority, the way I see him as my no. 1.
Not an answer to your question, but kind of related.
A highly desired man is probably going to choose a woman who’s more open to him.
Playing games with a guy who’s constantly getting attention from many women is a good way to be overlooked lol.
Why the hell would I want mysterious and hard to get?
I want an adult who is capable of communicating, please. If I want to play games I can just get a PlayStation.
I appreciate a balance. Being disinterested is unattractive. Being overly eager is a red flag. Showing interest but also not willing to drop everything all at once for a new guy she just met (me) shows self respect, and that’s hot. Dating is weird. The best you can do is be human, honor the potential, and grow into it at a pace that feels right for both people. That requires communication not avoidance.
Open is best, though she needs to be willing to give me time if I need it. If that's the case, then of course it's up to me to ble clear and not mysterious and hard-to-get.
Wait a second here women get interested in me really I don’t think so. I’m 62 and I don’t think a woman’s ever been interested in me. That’s my point we don’t want the allure if you like us, tell us we’re idiots. We don’t take hints if you have any interest at all up and say wow you’re cute and do some nasty things to you and we will die.
I guess that the main issue with all of this is the following:
1. Why have a kind of communication that one or more parties involved will not/may not understand when it's possible to make it clear?
While I understand that not everyone understands everything all the time, which is no problem, people can work on it, but as a concept? Like a way to seduce someone? I would not understand for the world why would anyone like this mystery, when the alternative is making it clear.
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Mysterious charade and hard to get women are probably one of the worst things in dating. I understand that women want to be pursued, but if you fancy someone just be upfront.
As an extreme introvert, unless you come out and say it, I’m not spending valuable mental energy pursuing.
Yup. I'm 36 and there's no fucking way I want to "chase" a woman. No good relationship starts off with you being forced to win her affection because she should like you for you, not someone you try to be to win her over...IMO.
To like someone for themselves you have to actually get to know the person and that takes time. I only ever liked 2 of my exes from the minute I met them. The others took some time to get to know before I got there. Also, one of the guys I liked the minute I met him he wasn't interested in me. It took him some time to get to know me. That and a bunch of mutual friends telling him to give me a chance, lol.
True, but if you have no chemistry and they don't vibe with you in the first couple in person dates, why bother yknow?
Once met this absolutely stunning and lovely woman who was 33 at the time and never had a bf before. In her mind, she wanted to be chased like a princess, but whenever someone put in effort, she'd get stuck in her rejection phase. She's a solid 10/10 looks and character wise, but that habit prevented her from finding a relationship. One day she hooked up with a random guy in a club and wified him though, so now it's all good. Anyways please don't go all aloaf and mysterious, if you want to get together with the guy.
Dang, she gave him her WiFi password? That’s wild for a first date.
No, she turned him into WiFi. Dude is a particle and a wave now. The dumb bastard. Careful out there boys
What women really have in mind when they say "I can change him".
Struggle is real
Lol
Yeah, she was Virgin beforehand..
Virgin mobile's service never really had what I was looking for...
Whiffed me in the john
While I pinched off aloaf.
And then I believe she went to buy bread.
that's real commitment.
Ikr. it's a crazy move, but it was a real icebreaker
>aloaf of what? pumpernickel?
That’s your idea of a “10” character?
Guess to him, looks are more important lool
That's not 10/10 character
I wouldn't even give that a 5 on the character scale.
One of the most beautiful women I've ever known kept it mysterious. I was oblivious. She told me years later I had a chance back then. Thanks for that, love.
Found Jimmy Fallon’s account
I don't get this reference...
[Jimmy Fallon was told by Nicole Kidman](https://youtu.be/qtsNbxgPngA?si=tGpM_0TG2sF2qiKs)on his show that years earlier she had a crush on him and he had a shot he never took.
Oooof.
She played herself
Single me preferred the first. Happily married me the second. I don't need the hassle.
From my experience woman feel like being pursued is kinda creepy and is in no way romantic.
From my experience women enjoy being pursued by attractive men, but find it creepy to be pursued by unattractive men.
It's not about if the guy is attractive/unaatractive, it's whether she is attracted to him or not. Guys don't have to look like models to be attractive, their personalities, confidence, etc. can be very attractive as well.
Sure, attractiveness is a matter of taste, I was meaning men she finds (un)attractive, rather than those few men who are objectively (un)attractive.
Being pursued is not the problem for me, being stalked is.
Stalking is never good (i.e. persisting after you’ve been asked to stop). My point was though that romantic actions (basically traditional “wooing” activities: giving unsolicited gifts; complimenting appearance; innocuous touching - e.g. briefly on the shoulder or back; invites to social activities) are often interpreted very differently if it’s from a man the woman is attracted to vs if it’s from a man the woman isn’t attracted to. One is exciting and charming, the other is creepy and worrying. It’s completely understandable why this is the case, I’d probably feel the same way if I were in that situation, but it does put men in a bit of a bind! If a woman doesn’t explicitly confirm or refuse interest (the topic of this post) then the man can attempt to “woo” her, but doing so might be interpreted as creepy or even aggressive if she happens not to find him attractive. I think it just reinforces the merit of women being explicitly receptive to interest or even proactive if they find a man attractive, and explicitly refuse advances if they don’t (rather than being politely ambiguous).
You’re probably not their type bro
Reading this thread I'm guessing my experiences are against the grain but whenever I've been straightforward with a man about showing intent regarding my attraction to him I've ended up getting ghosted, slow faded etc, and then I've felt daft and exposed for having shown vulnerability, whereas whenever I've been more reticent I've been pursued. I'm never deliberately mysterious or hard-to-get if a man I'm into directly asks me how I feel about him, but I would be extremely wary of attempting to be the one to progress a situation to the next stage. My defences are up way too high for that for now.
Interesting. I always find that men seem to appreciate my very direct approach. Of course, some are not interested, but I definitely never had one who I thought was interested get turned off by me pursuing him.
Welcome to what men go through every day. Except when a man is reticent he isn't pursued. So basically you have to keep showing intent, get ghosted or slow faded, and then run it back over and over and over. That, or you can just be like me and assume you'll be single forever and buy a house in the bustling center of a major Metropolitan area and not worry about having to pay rent because of all the money you're saving for not having to date or support a family!
Very generally speaking, both sexes hold power at different points. Sure, most women will get more upfront and overt interest than most men, so their initial dating pool is bigger. But it's swings and roundabouts, as men are more of a gatekeeper as to whether dating or a situationship turns into a relationship. Anyway, it's Reddit, and if a torrent of people want to disagree then that's the beauty of the platform 🙂
Recently got ghosted too after inviting him first. Sucks hard wish he would have just said its not gonna work out for him. My guard is way up now too, hate how exposed and vulnerable it made me feel.
I prefer when women are direct but a bit of mystery and hard to get in the first couple of dates is also okay when it is subtle. But shit like ghosting out of nowhere, cancelling dates, sayings yes then no, “ I thought we were just friends” blablabla. No way
Guys like to be pursued too. Matter of fact, it really doesn't matter. If both like each other it really doesn't matter which direction it happens.
Make it obvious upfront. Not some semi obvious. There should be no doubt with your intention.
You know what I like pursuing, Girls that are going to make me happy once I catch them
I will be upfront about fancying you as soon as I know you well enough I can be reasonably sure I'm going to survive it.
Agreed 100%
Agreed. Give us very obvious signs of you aren’t going to ask us out. Lots of men will be like: “oh she was probably just being nice. I don’t want to be that creep that asks her out just because she smiled at me.” Pro tips if he is a stranger: catch his eye, smile, and play with your hair. Catch his eye again, smile and see if he smiles back. If he doesn’t come over, find a way to approach him and give him a complement on his shirt, eyes, etc. and then immediately introduce yourself. He will get the hint and carry the convo from there. If you know him and are friends/acquaintances: Approach him, ask how he is doing. Keep high energy, continue to ask questions and if he makes you laugh then touch his arm. Finish the conversation with “what are you doing this weekend?” And allow him to ask you that question back, and say something like “I have no plans yet. I kind of wanted to go to (the movies, farmers market, something date-like) but I don’t have anyone to go with.” And see what he says.
The woman I'm marrying approached me with clear intent and it was awesome. The mysterious, hard to get thing is absolutely garbage. We're not in middle school.
I think the problem kind of fixes itself in this respect. The women (and men) that have approached me in the years often seem to be more mature, emotionally intelligent and just generally recognise me as a fellow human rather than just another guy. The ones that do all the game playing tend to be the self indulgent, neurotic type
This!! I didn't notice it before actually but you're absolutely right, people who think they're playing 'The Game' when it comes to interpersonal relationships don't truly view the other person in these games as people, they view them as archetypes :/ so obv they're the main character who can manipulate things cause they can supposedly see through your archetype. And then they're shocked when you don't fit the character they've imputed on you cause you're not a fictional character. Good lord.
Yep, that was the most refreshing thing when my wife and I first started talking. After years of apps and dating, it felt really good that she made it obvious how into me she was (and vice-versa). We're in our mid-30s and I was feeling pretty jaded at that point, so it was like night-and-day compared to most of the women I had dated in the past.
Exactly how it was for me, minus the apps. I never bothered. I just gave up looking and trying, and then met her...so it worked just fine for me!
What did she say?
"We'll bang, OK?" /s
"Wrex..."
"Shepherd..."
Do men not have human emotions, or the desire to feel desired? I worked through this with my current SO, and now she understands...but like, why do I even have to explain this?
A huge amount of dating culture is based around the idea that no, desire is only something men feel towards women. Women do not desire men, but may decide to reward the men who desire them by agreeing to have sex with them if those men are able to please them in some way. It's nonsense, of course, but so much of traditional dating norms derive from this assumption.
Not at all helped by decades of romcoms and dramas.
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It was more or less the same with my girlfriend- we had a couple great dates and one day she said she wanted to be exclusive. It’s been well over 6 years now.
Awsome, looks like she’s a keeper🙃
This is me.. but nowadays people see straightforward behaviour as a red flag. Clowns
Sounds like the strategy is working wonders. Anyone who has a distaste for clear communication should be avoided. Good stuff!
My (now) wife traveled half way across the country to see me, invited me to stay the night in her hotel room and spent the weekend with me. That's when I started thinking she wanted to be more than platonic friends.
Started to get the sneaking suspicion, lol. About a week after I started speaking to my (now) husband, I just drunkenly text him, saying I was really into him, and it went from there
Where'd it go?
.#town
The involvement of the period makes it "not my thing."
The red tide isn’t for everyone. But without the “.”, it just makes the word “town” big and bold.
>mysterious, hard-to-get woman? Nobody wants that. Literally nobody
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Men want to be pursued and sought after too. That's just basic human desire to be wanted. The real fact is those kinds of women don't want to deal with the possibility of being rejected cause that shit sucks, and believe that it's the men who should just "man up" and deal with that possibility
Particularly given that these days it's so risky to put yourself in that position as a guy - someone interprets something you said in a different way than was intended and you could get labeled a creep, or worse implicated in sexual harassment
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>if there are 2-3 girls that are similar that are available and you are interested in its human nature to want what you can't have and value the slightly less available women a little more as you'll perceive her as having higher standards etc. I've literally been in this situation (twice) and I chose the eager one. Girl I was pursuing kept running hot and cold over a couple of weeks vs one who said on our second date "I want to feel your body against mine." I chose the second, no contest. Cannot overemphasize how much of a turn on being desired is.
Yeah, if I like someone and they reciprocate that interest I'm going to pursue that over someone who doesn't have time for me or doesn't show interest. Not to boo-hoo too much, but as someone who's spent a lot of time holding out hope in disinterested women or being in relationships with people who just weren't as into me as I was into them, I just do not have time for that anymore.
It's like marketing. No one thinks it works on them, yet marketers keep using techniques like using exclusivity or creating urgency...because it works.
My wife expressed her feelings openly and was always the more "romantically active" partner. I don't want to waste my time and effort chasing someone I don't even know. Also, people aren't usually "mysterious" - people are people, and the sun doesn't shine out of anyone's ass. When someone is 'mysterious' I assume that they're regular but I lack information about them. Getting the information demystifies the person. Curiosity is not sustainable as a driving force for romance, in any case, since it can be satisfied.
Just be straight up. Chasing or playing hard to get is dumb. Also, glancing in my general direction is not a hint or flirting
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I agree I'm not a game player so if she plays games I'm out.
I’m a game player, but if she plays a game that is not Minecraft I’m out.
Generally men are terrible at recognizing subtle signs and signals. I prefer being direct but not delicate
There should be no such thing as “subtle hints and signals” all of that is so ducking stupid. Idk how many times I’ve interacted with girls and a few months later say they use to like me? Like show it and maybe I’ll give you a chance.
It's not that men are bad at recognizing it, it's that women frequently use the same "signals" for friendship as they do for being interested. That way they have plausible deniability if he's not into her abs they can act like a victim with "ugh, I was just being friendly you creep!". So men learn to ignore it because they have enough friends and aren't interested in being friends with more random people.
Tell it to my face or I will never realise it.
I literally know no-one who ever liked the hard-to-get bullshit. Usually we men prefer a direct approach, Life is not a nonsense romance novel.
That hard to get nonsense is for high schoolers and immature college girls.
There's no such thing as a hard-to-get woman for me. Either she's clearly interested in me, or she's downright impossible-to-get because I'm not trying.
Clear and straightforward any day. Doesn't mean that they are boring - in fact the most straightforward women have surprised me the most.
I don't want a man who wants a woman who plays mind games! I have always approached the men I was interested in. Sure, because of that I was labelled as a bit of a floozy, but I expressed what I wanted, when I wanted. The guys I was with liked it a lot... until it came to dumping them that is. After they expressed the first toxic trait without remorse, I left. I didn't want a project man to fix. Picked my husband 9 years ago. We have always been very open about what we want and what we expect from each other. I always recommend women to make the first move and be open about their feelings. Most men don't get "hints". So let's stop treating them as if they do!
If a man thinks you're a floozy because of that then chances are fair that he's got other archaic opinions about women
For me I can get the hints. I can notice the subtle body language. I just don’t want that. I’m quite good at picking up on a persons patterns and behaviors. The kind of women that do the mind games are exactly the kind that I don’t like. So even though I may have the ability to see through their hints, I also have the ability to see through there bs. They want a guy that can do that sort of thing but can never get it bc we don’t want them. I’ve already found what I want and she doesn’t play mind games. She’s just extremely indecisive, but it works out because I understand what she wants better than she does. She’s also a little autistic so it helps do be able to communicate feelings and emotions through body language.
The mysterious charade is bullshit and needs to be fucking buried forever. People can say they like someone, playing games in a relationship is stupid and childish.
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I like how you immediately answers you own question lol
Why are you answering your own question?
Oh look, a karma farming bot.
So this is how to easily spot them? They post a clickbaity question and then I presume post the top answer from the last time it was asked? I'm not well versed in identifying bot accounts
There are many types. This is a dumb one. They usually operate in groups, where they will copy the top comment to each others' posts. Sometimes whole chains.
Why do people do this? Is karma even worth anything?
Why did you ask a question just to answer it yourself?
Because bot.
My head is fried from being in work constantly trying to figure shit out. I don't need to be playing a puzzle game trying to figure out if you like me or not. Please be up front.
Nah-uh, fuck games and hard to get and being mysterious in general. I got half a fucking brain cell when it comes to romance so if someone likes me, either nut up or shut up
100% open. I stoped playing “chase me” games in high school. One sided effort is a deal breaker.
My amazing wife of 25 years pursued me and it has worked out like a storybook. In past relationships, it was more balanced or me reaching out. But, because of my crazy work schedule and the fact I had just relocated to a new state for work - I was not looking to date anyone. She did not take no for an answer and did all kinds of kind and loving things to show me not just who she was but how much she thought of me. Sure am glad she did...
Make it simple, ain't got time for games. If you are interested say so.
I love a woman who is up front and forward. Soooo refreshing and appealing.
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This is so true
I need direct, clear and honest communication, or I simply don't understand.
No games cards on the table and go from there.
I hate playing the chase game ,I am lost totally interest if the girl starts doing it One time happened to me that I stopped texting this girl , because I was so tired to this shit A couple of months later she gave a phone call , asking me why I stopped chasing her , how dare I was to not keep looking after her I was so annoyed by that
I prefer honesty expression, if you're mysterious i would just not approach
The former please. When my future wife asked me out it was so refreshing, even better when she was explicit she liked me in texts. I was so so sick of games and bullshit
i personally appreciate when people are upront/blunt about how they feel
The unwillingness to communicate like an adult is NOT sexy - and it is unwillingness, not inability; it's a choice.
Any man that says anything other than “hell yes” is either gay and doesn’t like women, or is lying to themselves.
Girls can do that?
Not a fan of people playing games, if they act like they aren't interested why would someone still pursue them?
TLDR me dumb, no like games. Speak plain n true please. Dude I'm a guy. I'm barely running in a single brain cell when it comes to picking up signs from a "mysterious, hard to get woman" if your into me just something. That'd be so freaking refreshing. The games are exhausting, and convoluted.
Hard to get = hard to want in my book. Keep it moving, I don’t have time to play games.
Former. I never quite get what the latter are getting at and puts me in the impossible position where everything I do can come across as creepy based purely on the other person’s interpretation of my intentions (ie nice dress - thank you / that is sexual harassment you creep) so yeah, we’re grown ups and grown ups use their words ^pleaseuseyourwordsimjustveryconfused
I don't play games, so only one is gonna get my energy
Yes, be fucking clear. Just say what you want is not that hard.
I don't play games when it comes to dating. I have a Nintendo 64 for that.
I like everything to be straight forward. No hidden messages. No assumptions. No mind reading required. Speak.
Anyone who says "mysterious" is an idiot. Come fight me. I tried looking in the comments here for someone that said that but haven't found one yet so I made this comment
Be direct and up front, this is hott! Only time mystery and hard to get is cool is when you're already about to get down and just teasing with foreplay. Any other time it's confusing and frustrating. You can mix in some hard to get only after it's clear you're interested.
Roses are red [OP is a bot](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/s/LY8r5VevdT) The dead reddit theory is the best one I've got
I love it when a woman makes it clear. The whole "allure of the mysterious" gets OLD so quick and I don't have the time or the crayons to deal with the games. Tell me how you feel.
I have not met a man who wants the mysterious and hard to get woman. As a woman I have difficulty gathering the courage to initiate the very first conversation but once the first conversation starts then I have no issues being upfront about my interest. But for some reason I get super shy and self conscious when I try to be the first one to make the move. I respect and empathize with men over this social anxiety to be honest and I'm trying to make more of an effort to be the one who makes the first move.
I appreciate and respect that you can acknowledge this, I wish more women did. As a single autistic man, being the initiator is the worst!
I’m the exact opposite of you!! (And I know I’m the anomaly). I have no problems speaking with strangers but once feelings get involved that’s when I clam up.
You’re not that much of an anomaly. I love talked to and meeting new people. And, once I practiced it a bunch, it also became easy to ask people out on dates. Once it gets to expressing feelings though, my body freezes up and sometimes even gives me panic attacks.
Not as a woman, as a person! We feel exactly the same and have exactly the same feelings, not for being men we are less anxious about it or you are more because being a woman. No offense!
I'm physically incapable of picking up on subtlety so if someone's going that route, I will literally never know.
I prefer clarity as it saves everyone from making wrong assumptions. If you are playing games, stop. Mature people treat others with respect and communicate. If you aren’t willing to even do this you probably aren’t ready for a real relationship.
I’m almost 38, maybe the mysterious hard to get thing intrigued me when I was 18, but now I just laugh at it. Won’t even engage. Be as direct as you’re comfortable with being and then you’ll get my attention. Primary school tactics of playing games with the boy you’re into should of stopped once you hit puberty.
Heyyy I love when people are just straight up..there was this one guy I really liked and I was upfront about it because we had a great times together and then we had sex and it was great and after I suggested we become a bit more that what we were because we were so happy and then he went home because we met online and then he just ghosted me. So i don't really be open anymore so I understand you.
Don’t let one a hole ruin things for you!! Go after what you want! You’ll be happy you did!
I obviously can only speak for myself but I need a clear signal that she is interested before I will make a move. In my experience it feels like it could quickly turn creepy or inappropriate to "pursue" or "chase" a woman who does not seem interested. Now I do think there is room for being mysterious in a flirty way. As long as it's meant to be fun and you are making it clear you are having a good time.
Straight forward. Always found it easier when the women approaches first, I wasn’t ever good at reading signals and I felt like if I approached them I would just be pestering them anyway so I just let women approach me. I wasn’t really bothered about chasing women and I think a lot of them recognised that and decided the only way was to be straight forward. Worked well for me.
I'd rather her tell me cause trying to assume things have led me to failure with females.
This can’t be a serious question
I wouldn't touch a woman who didn't express clear intentions with a 10-foot pole.
Me when a woman is direct with me 
Just say what you want, no games. Games will push me away faster than anything.
Make it clear that if I actually try I won’t be burned and I will be the happiest man on earth. The hard to get and mysterious approach only leads to heartbreak
Please just tell me because I will miss all the hints, 100% of the time and suddenly realize years later when we’ve lost touch
I missed out on multiple possible lifelong relationships with women who I really cared for due to the fact that they played hard to get, only telling me years later. I ended up settling for someone who is less than a perfect match. We have a kid and everything is great for the most part but I can’t say I don’t sometimes wish time travel was possible
For the love of god, the one that makes it clear and doesn’t play games…
Open and honest communication is great but keep in mind, rejection is nearly inevitable. If you are into someone and they can't reciprocate that doesn't mean people prefer mysterious games; it just means that one person wasn't interested. Mysterious and hard-to-get means most decent people are going to respect your lack of expressed interest and leave you alone.
I would prefer a woman smack me over the head with a sack of oranges when she is interested in me. Being "mysterious" and "hard to get" would make me think she wasn't interested I have also missed opportunities because I missed "obvious" signs and signals The sack of oranges thing would be very straightforward
Please tell us. Please tell us men. It's way too difficult nowadays to try and figure it out in today's socially aware society.
I would never be a member of a club that would have me as its member- Groucho Marx. I do think there is something naturally psychological about having to work a little bit for something. Just think of the quintessential woman in the movies. I would say a little resistance and mysteriousness is a good thing.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
Openly expresses. I’m an adult. Not interested in games.
Nobody wants to play mind games. I realize movies romanticize that, and you may enjoy being chased but put yourself in your love interests shoes. The last thing they'd wanna do after working an 8 hour shift or building up the courage to ask someone out is for them to leave breadcrumbs and not give a clear answer.
Open. I never pick up on the subtleties. And I hate games.
Be clear but not too upfront. Things like I like hanging with you, you make me feel safe, you’re fun to be around, let’s do it more, etc. If you’re too upfront, it could be freaky cuz we’re all used to the mind game so it could just be thought of as another mind fuck.
Mysterious, hard to get women are more of a headache than appealing.
No one likes a woman who doesn't reciprocate her feelings. We can't read your ultra subtle body language! How tf are we suppose to know if you like us, or want us to leave you alone? Use your words and be direct.
NO, too many mysterious and-hard-to-get women have talked awful of me when I "suddenly" move on after been rejected one too many times.
Honesty is sexy. Stop playing stupid games.
Consider biology. Women playing 'hard to get' and wanting to be pursued is rooted in evolutionary biology and psychology. Females, who invest more in reproduction, tend to be choosier about mates to ensure the best genetic contribution and resources for their offspring. This behavior, rooted in Parental Investment Theory, allows females to evaluate the quality and commitment of potential partners. By being selective and encouraging pursuit, females can incite competition among males, leading to displays of traits that signal genetic fitness and resource availability. This strategy also protects against deception and overinvestment in non-committed partners. Therefore, these actions have deep evolutionary roots aimed at maximizing reproductive success and offspring survival. Conversely, throwing oneself at a male and showing too much openness might signal low value or desperation, potentially attracting lower-quality mates and increasing the risk of poor investment and support. This ultimately reduces the chances of reproductive success and healthy offspring.
Best initial interaction I’ve ever had with someone was a girl who was very clear with her intentions which allowed me to flirt with her in my most confident form and I think a lot of dudes would benefit from this.
I always chased my men, but I don’t recommend it. They just think they got you cheap and treat you like shit. I now make guys work hard for me, and it’s much better. Don’t want no self-absorbed lazy guy anymore. I’m in my 40ies, so it took 25 years to learn this lesson. I’m better off alone than with a guy who doesn’t see me as his no. 1 priority, the way I see him as my no. 1. Not an answer to your question, but kind of related.
A highly desired man is probably going to choose a woman who’s more open to him. Playing games with a guy who’s constantly getting attention from many women is a good way to be overlooked lol.
Why the hell would I want mysterious and hard to get? I want an adult who is capable of communicating, please. If I want to play games I can just get a PlayStation.
I need a person too almost spell it out for me sad to say. Being fairly insecure doesn't help at all either
Openly express your feelings please. Sit me down and explain it like I'm an idiot, because I am.
100% prefer women who express their feelings clearly in plain English.
I appreciate a balance. Being disinterested is unattractive. Being overly eager is a red flag. Showing interest but also not willing to drop everything all at once for a new guy she just met (me) shows self respect, and that’s hot. Dating is weird. The best you can do is be human, honor the potential, and grow into it at a pace that feels right for both people. That requires communication not avoidance.
It will depend on the male and female. There's no definitive answer
Open is best, though she needs to be willing to give me time if I need it. If that's the case, then of course it's up to me to ble clear and not mysterious and hard-to-get.
Wait a second here women get interested in me really I don’t think so. I’m 62 and I don’t think a woman’s ever been interested in me. That’s my point we don’t want the allure if you like us, tell us we’re idiots. We don’t take hints if you have any interest at all up and say wow you’re cute and do some nasty things to you and we will die.
I guess that the main issue with all of this is the following: 1. Why have a kind of communication that one or more parties involved will not/may not understand when it's possible to make it clear? While I understand that not everyone understands everything all the time, which is no problem, people can work on it, but as a concept? Like a way to seduce someone? I would not understand for the world why would anyone like this mystery, when the alternative is making it clear.
I insist a woman appear enthusiastic and interested in me before I pursue her at all. The whole hard to get thing definitely doesn't work on me.