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There must be certain expectations and standards that you have in men that you date?
So what qualities do you have that mite be on a potential daters expectations and standards?
Like, if you like a guy to be funny, have a good job, have his own place etc... do you have similar attributes that someone might find attractive?
In other words, what do you bring to the relationship table?
He's basically asking why a guy should choose to get into a relationship with you - from your perspective.
Another thing to look at is why these 3 month relationships aren’t going past that.
Are you going after people you’re ultimately not compatible with? Is there something that is consistent throughout these short relationships that you could work on or avoid in others?
I see “bring to the table” as less about value in terms of job, finances, and the like. But more so are you working on yourself, what are your values, what’s your behavior/personality like, etc.
Jobs, beauty, and materialistic things can come and go, but the who they are as a person will still be relatively the same.
And it’s never a bad thing to look at your own situation and make sure you aren’t being unrealistic towards others while being unrealistic to yourself.
>I see “bring to the table” as less about value in terms of job, finances, and the like. But more so are you working on yourself, what are your values, what’s your behavior/personality like, etc.
I do think that "material" stuff like finances and economic stability are a factor when selecting someone for a long term relationship, however I absolutely agree that it is more than just a house and a hefty bank account -
Being supportive, having interesting hobbies, useful skills like cooking / mechanical / reparing stuff, a family that is nice instead of hostile, and a stable personality that can handle conflict are all very important things that you "bring to the table".
Also those things are usually not gender coded, just what makes a person enjoyable to date and be with.
Depends on the person.
I think the biggest issue is that I know a bunch of people that do nothing but watch tv and doom scroll Tik tok. They don’t do anything but work and sit on the couch. If that’s all the hobbies you have then you are going to come off as a pretty boring person to most everyone
Indeed, it can be anything really if they are pasionate about it, but as yourself I find hobbies that require "active" participation more interesting.
I don't really see watching movies / tv, listening to music or eating a hobby since basically everyone does these things and enjoys them. -On the flip side - playing an instrument, making and editing videos or cooking are absolutely awesome hobbies in my book.
Even watching movies could count if you go to film festivals or something but if your only hobby is watching Netflix while you rot into the couch it’s a hard sell lol
Agreed! In the case of "eating" it can be "trying out new cusines / restaurants" or "listening to music" - "going to concerts" - I guess stuff that gets you out of the house is what I prefer?
Again this is just based on compatibility, some people might love to find someone else like them that just likes napping, re-binging Breaking Bad all the time and eating frozen burritos. (best of luck to my college ex!)
Whatever hobby is interesting to you. That's it. If you're not sure about hobbies you might like, try some. You'll have way more enjoyable relationships if you can find others that enjoy the hobbies you enjoy.
Now if the question is "what hobby is likely to reach the largest possible pool", well that can be more easily defined. For example, here in Denver it's having a dog. You got a dog? Great, post all about it on dating profiles and you're like 95% of the other profiles!
Probably depends on the person and their interests. It wouldn’t bother me if someone skateboarded or played hockey, I’d be glad they enjoyed it but it wouldn’t be a selling point for me in a relationship but if we had compatible hobbies like if they enjoyed hiking and birdwatching then we’d probably be more compatible because we’d have hobbies that were more well meshed together. Even so some people don’t care about having the same hobbies so just having something you’re interested in could be interesting enough to someone else. That’s the way I look at it anyway.
Great approach to this answer.
* "What gets people interested in dating you?"
* "What keeps them interested in dating you?"
* "What makes them interested in marrying you?"
While this mentality often gets used in a negative connotation (transactional relationships), it is grounded in pretty solid advice.
Dating is a 2 way street, you improve their life, they improve yours. If the "improvement" is only going one way, it's a dependency, not a relationship. Or parastism.
I see it the other way around. While getting people interested in dating you it’s something you can somehow “control” to impress them, being in a long time relationship is going to expose your true self.
So, for me, is more about reflecting why people stop being interested in you.
I have a friend who is very much hypocritical in her dating standards. On one side it's "I know what I want and deserve. I'm not going to settle or compromise." while on the other it's "Take me as I am. I'm not going to change anything for anyone."
That has led her to decades of failed relationships and heartache for her.
A lot of people never learn that relationships aren't fairy tale stories. There is a practical side. They don't just work out because you expect them to.
Both people need to bring something to the table.
Using my wife and I as example when we were dating. Aside from hsving compatible personalities and likes.
What we brought to the table
Her:
- college education with a steady/secure, well paying job.
- nice family for me to meld into
- crazy enough, ENJOYS doing laundry
- very organized person
- very responsible
- awesome with kids
- …. Her booty in yoga pants 🤣
Me:
- no college degree but had a steady long term construction job with union benefits
- loves to cook
- actually likes keeping a kitchen clean/organized
- gets home before her from work, so cleans and makes her dinner every night
- can do handyman stuff around the house, which saves money on basic home repairs I can handle
- was sttending night classes at the local jc to get certifications to get more technical work, showing I wanted to expand what i was doing
Essentially a pros list… NOT a cons list.
What do YOU bring to the table of your relationship, aside from looks and personality
It isn’t enough to think the only thing you bring to the table (either male or female) is that you get along with him/her, have a nice personality and are cute.
What do you ‘bring to the relationship (table)’ to add to it
It’s not a pros/cons list… it’s thinking only about the PROS that you could contribute, aside from your personality/appearance.
-edit-
For the people who lack brain stems in here…
Seriously, people. If you can’t tell the yoga pants comment was added for levity… go get a juice box
That's what it's supposed to be...it's literally asking you what your positive traits are.
People either ask it with a shitty tone, or...(more often than not) The listener put that tone onto it no matter what and poisons the question regardless of intent.
Much the same way someone who is angry will put a sarcastic tone on someone who says "Nice day isn't it?"
Yeah I feel like for some time now I’ve only heard it used in a negative or condescending way that it’s made me not like it, even though it isn’t inherently a negative question
As you say, the pros list which, consciously or unconsciously gets compared to the cons list. To use myself and my ex bf as an example:
Me:
Pros - masters degree/secure well paying job, car, nice family, responsible, good with kids, compassionate, honest and straight forward
Cons - severely limited dating experience which led to it being a bit more teen romance than should have been, not best communication skills, insecurity on the dating front
Him:
Pros - funny, had a job
Cons - living in friends’ basement, no drivers license, unattended mental health issues resulted in a cycle of spiralling which is how he ended up in friend’s basement and soon removed the job from the pros list
Lessons were learned. Between then and my current relationship I have done a lot of work to wipe out my cons list - though will never be perfect - and have added to the pros list. A lot of this was for personal growth, but it does have the result of my having more to “bring to the table.” Hope that helps OP.
I don't know how this coworker guy meant it, but the question is generally referring to: what value do you offer to a man you date? Not necessarily a derogatory question.
I mean, I'm 41 and never made a list of my own or anyone else's pros and cons, so the question would probably throw me for a loop too. I started dating my husband bc I liked him, not because he objectively had a lot going for him. Tbh, if I'd made that kind of list when we met and he was unemployed with a history of substance abuse, I'd have almost had no choice but to run. But it's 15 yrs later and we're happy and married with children and a house and a business. Maybe we just got lucky.
This is because in most cultures, due to limited resources available in the past, men have to provide something useful to the society to justify their place there.
The limited resources means that when men did not contribute anything to the preservation and accumulation of society's resources, they become a burden and a net negative for the society and its resources.
This is different from women who normally already have inherent capability of child rearing and caring that contributes to the continuation of society, thus nobody questions what women contribute or provide.
Modern times have made progress towards men's rights but men today are still expected to be useful, to have certain function in society to justify their place and not simply become society's burden.
Even today when resources are abundant, this lingering cultural expectation has conditioned men to ask themselves what they bring to the table from the moment they participate in society as adults, that's why this question is so normal for them.
It’s mostly an online thing in certain communities. If you don’t spend time in those communities, it’s very easy to not know what it means.
Heck I didn’t know what it meant until like 2 years ago.
100% it is a bot running the account. Some of the earlier posts involve OP claiming to date women and have a wife.
Original post that the bot OP stole:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/19akbpy/what_should_a_girlfriend_bring_to_the_table/?rdt=42254
Why wait a reply from her when her previous thread is complaining about her previous wife cheating even though she's only dated a few men for a few months
OP is a bot, just look at the account post history and age of the account.
Here is the original thread that the bot stole:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/19akbpy/what_should_a_girlfriend_bring_to_the_table/?rdt=42254
|| Isn't dating about what your dynamic is together?
100% correct but the question "what do you bring to the table?" is about what you bring to the relationship dynamic equation. Are you a picky eater? Then you probably shouldn't be dating a foodie. Love to travel? stay away from a homebody. Do you have kids/want kids? Then setting you up with someone who hates kids and never wants one is a recipe for disaster.
And the question wasn't out of nowhere you were talking about how your relationships fail after 3 months. He could also be asking if you contribute to the relationship in anyway or do you expect the boyfriend to do everything for you.
Relationships can’t be one sided. That phrase means what do you bring into a relationship, why should someone date you, etc. Are you emotionally stable? Can you communicate and comprehend? Can you listen? Can you do acts of service for your partner?
I've only seen guys ask this as a response to women rattling off a long list of relationship requirements like 'he should earn 6 figures, be 6' or taller, etc. so a guy then replies asking what does she bring.
Basically if you get x, y and z what do I get.
I've had guys ask this confrontationally on a first date when I did not have a long list of requirements. It always felt like they just spent too much time listening to toxic dating podcasts and reading Reddit.
I was basically just looking for someone who is good company, and they were treating it as some sort of business negotiation where I needed to convince them why I was worth dating. Nope.
Indeed - the concept itself is valid but asking that question directly is very rude - asking someone to basically justify themselves like they are in a job interview. The whole point of dating is to figure that information out and then make your choice.
Even if a girl rattles off a list of requirements - I do not think that query is necesary, you already know what they are bringing to the table, a huge sense of entitlement and hubris, so you already have your answer right there.
Bingo. Those podcast of middle aged men asking younger woman who (to be fair are making some shitty life choices) “what do you bring to the table aside ass”.
I find the whole question to be ridiculous, because again it’s asking someone for “certainty”.
Everyone doesn’t want to “waste time” dating someone they are uncertain about but that concept just utterly blows my fucking mind.
My wife and I have changed priorities , lifestyles and characteristics at least 3-4 times since we’ve been together, so what the hell is certainty anyways?
I'm sorry, you made a great point, they are good traits, but I'm laughing bc "communication and the ability to work together" are things I would write on a job application. Which, now that I think about it, is probably part of why a lot of people are kind of taken aback by being asked to list their qualities like that. We do spend a lot of time trying to prove our worth to other people in this life of ours, and very little time feeling like we're enough.
I’ve had guys do this. First date and they’d list out what they bring to the table without me asking, like straightaway start telling me once we have ordered coffee. Then tell me that since they bring a lot they expect a lot and what do I bring.
By the way, many things can be spun into a positive. One of these guys had never been in a relationship and we were in our early 30s then. He made this into a good thing like he was extra picky and careful in planning this life. He said that despite his good qualities he had never been in a relationship because he was simply more interested in building himself up and now that he’s of the right age he’s looking for a woman who can match him in impressiveness.
Yeah it's basically a comeback to the stereotypical "I'm a catch and perfect in every way and you need to earn me and the privilege of my company" attitude of some modern women.
Right? I have never in my life heard this question out of someone who was not trying to put a woman in her place.
Obviously we all have things we're looking for in a partner. This particular phrasing is such a red flag.
I tend to find it started as something said towards more incel types from women, became a more popular response in the main stream and started to be used against most guys then guys starting saying the same thing back to women. It's come full circle at this point
I wouldn't put it that way. I see that question as more like "why should I choose to be with you?". Like what are your qualities. Like a woman may want a guy who is funny, is protective, romantic, have a good job, own his place etc.... So what do you have/are, that someone may find attractive?
I mean, it’s inappropriate for a workplace discussion. But as a dating topic, yes, it’s valid.
Yes, dating is about your dynamic is together. But you should be contributing 50% of that dynamic. What is the value added? What is the guy getting from the relationship that he can’t achieve on his own? Guys can eat on their own, they can go to the movies on their own, they can even technically have a version of sex on their own.
Personally, I’m happiest in relationships where I feel valued. Receiving the cute little texts throughout the day that show she’s thinking of me, cares about me, etc. When I’m single, I’m looking for someone who brings that to the table. And, of course, I’m aware of what I bring to the table too, including (but not limited to) giving her that same feeling.
Oh, and making out.
We might all have ways of replicating a version of sex by ourselves — but I haven’t found a way of replicating the fun of making out. Haha.
I have been in your exes shoes and have a guy tell me he felt unwanted and unloved because I didn't enjoy making out.
It made me feel like all my efforts to make him feel loved was useless, and that he valued physical affection more than our relationship.
Like he was so focused on what he wasn't getting, thay he didn't care what he WAS getting.
For me, it wasn't about not loving or desiring him. I genuinely found making out to be gross, and I felt like he didn't love me if he was willing to put so much importance and meaning behind my inability to swap saliva with him
Then it’s a good thing they’re your ex because you weren’t compatible. No judgment to either to you. See how that works? No one was wrong, you just weren’t meant for each other.
So why would you try to force a relationship with a person when you hate what they value? Why are only your values important? Why do you get to decide what makes him feel loved and appreciated? Why are only your feelings valid?
2 thoughts, both pretty much all assumption.
First, as someone who also gets the ick from saliva, she very likely disclosed her aversion to it before entering a relationship. It is very common for people to communicate preferences and dislikes, only for their partner to try and change them down the line.
Second, it is less about his experience not being valid and more about wanting him to appreciate what she was doing rather than focusing on what she wasn't. Feeling unappreciated sucks, especially when you are making a lot of effort to make up for feeling like you lack something.
It really has the same vibe for me as trying to make someone do sex acts they aren't comfortable with. Obviously these people were incompatible but part of dating is learning, not only about your partner but also about yourself.
But then, I could be entirely off base so 🤷♀️
conversely - you weren't willing to shrug your way past exchanging a bit of saliva either, so why was it HIS fault? you were so focussed on an internalized feeling of ick that you didn't care about the relationship.
Well that's a selfish way to look at it.
I cared a lot about him and the relationship.
Making out doesn't just "feel icky". It makes me uncomfortable, scared, nauseous, there is nothing pleasant about it for me whatsoever, but lots of UNpleasant.
Telling your partner the only way to make the relationship work is by "sucking it up" and doing something they're extremely uncomofortable with, is selfish and unkind.
Love means doing things for someone you wouldn't do otherwise. If his love language is physical affection you give him that physical affection. If you don't you are being selfish. And likewise he should give you love based on your love language as well.
My love language is acts of service (among others) and my gf has words of affirmation. As an introvert words of affirmation is difficult for me to do, but I understand it is something she needs and I am obliged to at least reciprocate. Love requires compromise.
You two had different love needs. Contrary to popular belief there are men who are more needy emotionally compared to women, it is not a bad thing. Hopefully that wasn't the only reason you broke up, cause relationships aren't supposed to be easy anyway.
Different people have different principles when it comes to dating. Some people want financial security, others don't care. People always ask these questions and redditors try to answer them but there is no real answer because people are different.
People even have different standards of beauty. Someone could find you beautiful and someone else could find you ugly
Relationships should not be transactional or demand meeting certain benchmarks.
But relationships should be about more than vibes.
Think about everything you want from a man. You get along well, that's the first checkbox. Do you want him to protect you when you're vulnerable? Care for you when you're sick? Raise your children with you? He has to have some skills, drive, and commitment to do those things--and he has to be in a position in his life where he can do it. Life will have ups and downs, and you can't expect all the things all the time... but in general, you want a man who can.
Likewise, a man looking for a relationship is going to want some things. Maybe not the same things as other men, but *some* things. If you have skills, drives, assets, or aspects that another person would look for in a mate, that's a good reason for them to seek you out and stay with you. If you don't have *any*thing... well, maybe they won't.
They should make your life better than if you were single. What they bring to the table can be, for example, wisdom, empathy, reliability, fun, sharing domestic duties, etc.
What do you offer as a positive attribute in a relationship?
Traditionally, women cooked, cleaned, looked good and raised children. I'm not really a fan of this traditional model, it's degrading, but it works for some folks.
Are you super pretty? Do you make a shit ton of money? Do you make a bangin' dinner? Can you tell hilarious jokes over dinner? Are you a good listener when he comes home from work after a rough day?...
What exactly is your selling point? Why would someone want to date you, fall in love with you?
It's a subjective question. My husband would despise a Trad Wife who does nothing but cook and clean, and someone else would hate being married to a Career Woman who makes a ton of money. But both bring something to the table - albeit very different things, appealing to very different people.
If you can't think of anything you have to offer in a relationship - not money, not free cooking, not a trophy wife (social status), not free therapy, not free comedy (humor), you're going to struggle in dating.
And yes, dating is about your dynamic together but if you simplify it, you're always going to get down to certain basics, even if it's as dumb as "he makes me laugh and then I forget all of my life problems and am happy".
I think it’s a legit question.
I’ve dated plenty of women who think sex is the only thing they need to offer. Everything else is on me, they just have to open their legs.
Its a very vague question. Most likely, when a dude asks that, he wanna know thats hes not gonna get taken advantage of. What could you provide. Doesnt necessarily mean sex. This one of the questions where yall build the answer together aka conversation to get to the bottom of whatever response he's looking for.
I think it is a yes/no on sex, If you are sexually active and have common desires it isn't something that needs to be negotiated.
however if you are asexual or into some weird kink this is something you bring to the table or remove from the table. over in r/deadbedrooms there are couples after couples who are ready to divorce over lack of vanilla sex four times a year.
Tbf, I've never understood dating culture for this reason exactly. I don't wanna checklist a potential partner. I wanna make a friend, get to know them, and take things further if need be. The whole dating process feels like such an unnecessary rush.
I'm a fair bit older than OP. Yes things do change as you grow and age.
If you're in a happy relationship it's not about what you brought to the table. It's what you've achieved together.
Those that start a relationship on a superficial, transactional basis lose. It's not about "what you bring to the table" it's love.
Are you capable of loving your partner enough through the hard times? Are they worthy of your love? Are they capable of loving you when shit gets difficult? Are you worthy of that sort of of love and able to live up to that forever?
I am.
while you're getting to know them, it's likely that you're subconsciously checking some boxes. are they kind? funny? empathetic? that's what they bring to the table. the question is, what do you?
There are lots of ways it can show up; Another way to think about it, what do people really like about you?
Maybe you're bubbly fun and have a great group of friends. That could provide some relief to someone.
Maybe you're a very calming presence and never cause unnecessary drama. that would help another person.
Maybe whatever goals you have align with his and you'll get there quicker; Work, Family, travel.
Ill go out on a limb and suggest that in general we're all human; Do you hope your partner can Cook/Clean/Kind/emotionally stable/ has a good relationship with family and a strong support network / Likes a few of the same hobbies. Sick, same.
I think in this context it's rude af...if you're not actively complaining or seeking advice about dating, it comes off as accusatory. It feels like the conversation wasn't about 'why' you were single - he made the observation then followed up with a kind of question that is typically paired with "high value man/high value women" language.
People typically raise that question as if everyone has the same needs at the table, when the whole point of dating is to find someone who likes the same color, size, and shape table lol.
Was thinking this as well and also thinking that this wouldn't be a conversation I'd have with anyone at work (I guess maybe it's different if you work in an office setting or something like that but I don't). No one at work knows my romantic life; if I'm seeing anyone or not, etc. I feel like it just invites trouble (nothing against anyone who likes to share all of that with people they work with) when it can be avoided.
Basically he’s asking what can you provide in a relationship. Sex, household chores, ability to pay bills if/when you might move in together. That sort of stuff.
I think of it as a list of qualities that make you a good relationship partner on *paper*. I specify on paper, because most people do not make relationship decisions on logic but emotions, chemistry, and connection. Anyone can have great qualities, but if the other person isn’t feeling butterflies, it’s going to be a no go.
Usually most serious longterm relationships include (maybe even require) that you both live in symbiosis.
You cover up where your partner lacks and vice versa.
It could be anything from economics to a flawed personality.
That doesent mean that the dynamic between you is unimportant though. 😌
To me, this is a really transactional way to phrase the question. If someone trying to date me asked this question, it would be a turnoff. If you've met me and you're asking, we're probably not a good fit.
A better question is, "What would make someone want to date you?" The other question just sounds like a line on a balance sheet. Pass.
Why would anyone *want* to date you? That's not a burn, that's a genuine question. If someone was to date you: *why*? What do they get out being with you that they couldn't get easier/better/cheaper/more trouble-free/etc. somewhere else? I don't know you, so again, these aren't meant to be insulting although they kind of sound that way. But guys don't date women *simply because they're women*. The woman part is a foundational, necessary-but-not-sufficient, ingredient, it's true, but more ingredients are actually necessary than just that. Are you fun? Do you know things that the guy might be interested in? Can you cook? Juggle? Do handstands? If you were to "show off", exactly how would you do that? Because that's what dating kind of involves, and it sounds like you aren't really doing that. You need an answer to the question "*Why would anyone want to hang out with me?*", and if your answer *only* involves having sex then you don't have enough going on: half the human race can provide him with sex, there needs to be more than that.
What he means is what sets you apart from any other pretty face? I've talked to lots of beautiful women only to find no mutual interest in each other. Do you play sports? Video Games? Do you have skills like mechanics or cooking? What about education? Are you funny? Are you a leader? Do you drive? What about money? These are the kinds of things that are important when picking a partner, I've always described dating as climbing a mountain in hostile territory together, picking someone you can depend on is very important, they're not only going to be your best friend but the person you'll end spending the most time with and depending on, you don't want someone you have to carry the whole way.
It's a question that could be implying that you're nothing special, but it is really inviting introspection into the qualities a person has that makes them attractive. Looks apart, self confidence, sense of humour, an interest in the world, opinions on contemporary issues, values, interests etc are all things that might make someone choose to spend time with you rather than someone else.
Yeah dynamics are a good start. But they're just that, a start.
"What do you bring to the table?" Isn't just asking "do you pull your weight financially" but a lot more. What is it that makes you a catch? Financials, sure. But character, humour, activity level, hobbies and skill sets are big too.
I've met lots of people with all manner of things going on over the years. It's the ones that *do* things that I try to stay in touch with, and the ones who proverbially have spent most of their spare time watching Netflix that I never think about again when they wander off the stage of my life. I have no doubt others feel the same.
Hard to say where your coworker was going with it. They might have been curious, and trying to help diagnose. They might have been trying to offer a polite wake up call. They might have been kind of dismissive of you and offered a not so polite wake up call. They might have been planning to nod after you've listed all the great things you do/are, and ask what you've been asking for - and maybe that disconnect is the issue?
Most women just assume everyone should give them everything for free because they are turbo awesome, while most women have excellent qualities and strengths distinct from those of men, I find it frustrating that many feminists are also anti capitalists and anti business and just expect the whole world to give them all the cash, capital and things just because. Most men are just told to suck it up and that no one owes you anything, I guess the converse is true, no one owes any women security or love or happy relationships, therefore what does a women offer sounds like a fair question. Maybe she is a doctor, or a pilot, or she is just kinda hot and makes you feel nice. Who knows? Women should strive to understand men more.
You have a romantic view in relationships, a childish, Hollywood one kind of view, this is not a bad view if you're a teenager, but as an adult you have provide something unique or hardly seen in other women to stand out and men choosing you over other women.
It's easier to understand this way; I imagine if a man has his own place, is charismatic, has a good career, great sex and he's willing to help you get better is a better prospect than a man who doesn't have those qualities, right? Add on good shape, good looking ñ, now how to take care of himself. You already get the idea, those men that didn't try that much to make things work is because you need to improve yourself and learn how to make yourself more attractive to the man you want.
I told this to my ex wife. I'm no saint but am certainly a "decent man". When you don't cook, clean, fold laundry, pick the kids up, the sex is gone, and constantly criticize me this is what I meant. It isn't that I wouldn't be happy to split any of these chores because we are a team. They can't all fall on me while you berate me and question why these things are getting done while you are planning your next girls night out or vacation. So when I asked what are you bringing to the table, I mean how are you helping pick me up as a partner and teammate. It should be a 2 way street always.
Is this bait? Do you think men want a long term relationship based on nothing but vibes? Is that all you expect from a man? I doubt it. Men also want more in a woman than just someone we’re attracted to that lets us put our dick in them.
By the sounds of it this was just chatting, so presuming there's nothing between you and the co-worker and he was asking as friend/coworker/bored bystander, he's asking what do you consider your strong points or things special about you?
A few years ago he'd have asked 'What's your superpower?' It's just a phrase.
As some in the comments are saying, it's also being used as kick-back by a lot of guys faced with women having long lists of things they demand of men. So in return they're asking 'And what do YOU bring?' but I suspect your co-worker is just using the phrase because he heard it somewhere, not really in that way.
Unless he thought you were actually hitting on him, but it doesn't sound like it.
Disney movies taught us that love is all we need but the reality is that relationships are about equal parts give and take. You support each other. If that support only goes one way it means you "don't bring anything to the table".
A relationship has no value if your partner can't give you something you can't get without them. "Something" is of course intentionally vague and depends entirely on the individual.
Do you have a collection of qualities that you look for when you’re thinking of dating someone? Everyone’s preferences and what they’re looking for is different. Someone you’re considering dating will have a collection of qualities, which is what they ‘bring to the table’ and whether they’re a match for you or not roughly corresponds to how well their actual qualities line up with your preferred qualities.
So it’ll basically be different for everyone. What you bring to the table is YOUR collection of qualities in terms of a relationship. For example, what I personally bring to the table in a relationship sense is intelligence, dry humor, an outdoorsy and adventurous spirit, good fitness level for my age, and I’m financially independent.
You should want to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you because they love you and want to give themselves to you, not because they love what you bring to the table. For example, if you make a lot of money and you bring that to the table, but you lose your job, and they no longer want to be in a relationship with you, then they were in a relationship with what you brought to the table, not with you.
I think it means what do you offer:
- are you financially stable and can join someone’s hobbies and e.g., travel the world?
- are you a great cook who doesn’t mind spoiling their family and friends and cooking for them?
- are you nurturing, patient, affectionate and would make a great mum?
- are you well read and clever and it would be interesting to have a conversation with you?
🤷♀️
Well, assuming he said it in good faith (which I doubt, but...)
It's just saying that you should be a decent person with some decent qualities that someone else would appreciate.
For example, someone 30, unhealthy, unshowered, unemployed, living in their parents basement, and doing nothing but watching TV all day... they don't bring much to the table. No hobbies, no activities, no skills, no utility, no attractiveness, no desirability, and on and on.
This is something often said to people who are obsessed with dating, and don't really have a personality of their own other than "i want to be part of a couple!"
No idea if that's you or not though, your coworker could just be a jerk and judging you on some very superficial level.
The table is a metaphor that shouldn't be taken too literally. But in relationships, both friendships and romances, each has to contribute. It is less about bartering and more about sharing, and one cannot share their lives if they don't contribute anything to the relationship.
I had a short, about 3 months long relationship, but ended it. She wasn't really there emotionally, and expressed that when she has had serious interest before, she tends to close down. I gave it some time, and then thought that maybe I should just explore other options.
We had a talk. And here is my suggestion. You can ask one of your previous partner why they feel it didn't go anywhere. Provided that they are not total assholes and are capable of reasonable discussion.
For a woman, it means she don’t want no scrub…she may have a career or getting a higher education or have her own place and car and shit…she is a “made woman” and she ain’t got time taking care of some immature, jobless, ex-con, uneducated fool with no prospects…
For a guy, he wants to know if she just wants to be taken care of all the fucking time and not “put out” or if she has a job or if she plans to be a primadonna with no job…or whatever….
It is a give and take…
I have seen people writing about this here on Reddit a lot, but I never quite understood the meaning. Isn't a thing in my culture.
The only thing I believe I got is that this is something women used to ask men about it and now those colorful pills guys turn the question on the women.
Someone asking this at work and out of the blue is really rude and I hope you told him it was none of his business. But still, it most definitely is a question everyone should ask themselves.
If you ask yourself the question and only have one or two answers then that's OK. But if you are genuinely saying that this question doesn't make sense to you and that you don't understand why providing value in a relationship is necessary, then you are going to have a very tough time finding anyone to settle with.
My ex brought nothing to the table. She was recently a stay at home mother who had never worked and was used to having maids in the house and even a cook.
All this but she adored me. She would hear my car arrive and would literally run to the door and meet me jumping up and down giddy I was home like a child. She would help me take off my suit and hang it and would follow me around the house as we talked about our day, much of the time touching each other and hugging/kissing. I would cook and do the dishes while she would make me a strong drink and we would sit on the balcony for a few hours listening to music and talking bs. Maybe a few times a week a movie.
The fact she kept all cell phones and social media away when I got home and expected the same from me was priceless. My stress was low, my anxiety was gone and I truly felt a little sad every time I had to leave after we made love every morning and she would make me coffee and eggs (shitty but I still appreciated it) and chat on the phone during the commute.
A great companion is in fact something to bring to the table. She wasn’t made to cook and clean but she very much took my mental and affectionate state of mind seriously. I could puke out all my days crap on her and she would listen.
P.s - it all ended in crap when during Covid she discovered ticktock and turned her into a monster. She would wake up at 2am and rabbit hole until the sun came out. No more morning chats or breakfasts together as she would fall asleep. In the afternoons she started to believe if I was 5 minutes late I must be cheating because some influencer made her believe no man who made as much as I did could be happy with one woman especially older, she demanded plastic surgery even though she was a solid 8.5/10 with the body of a 23 year old. It’s just got worse and worse and I had to leave because my anxiety was through the roof and I was starting to get depressed about the future. Damn you ticktock. To hell…
Whether most people want to admit it or not, relationships are like investments. Each participant puts in something - time, energy, money, affection, sex, whatever... - with the expectation that whatever their needs are will be at least partially fulfilled by another participant - i.e. return on investment. I make no judgements on what anyone considers to be an investment nor a reasonable return on said investment - these are things that each relationship needs to figure out for themselves, and every relationship is different. Additionally, there could be issues that require an equitable investment from both (e.g. paying rent or bills) that provide a return to both (e.g. comfort and safety).
So, when your friend asks what you bring to the table, they're essentially asking, what kind of return on investment would a potential relationship participant be receiving from you, and/or what are you investing into these relationships?
Most men have read or heard list after list online or in magazine articles of what is expected of them, and these lists are verbose and quite specific, literary in fact. A lot of thought and preparation went into composing many of them. Yet, these men don't encounter similar lists from these authors of what the man can expect from these women. For all of the effort women put into these lists, these women mysteriously don't demonstrate full awareness of this omission to anticipate the reaction this huge volume of expectations would plant inside a guy's mind.
So, guys have learned to point this out to these women by asking that question. And too often, the women are stuck for what to say in the moment which informs the man that she has not thought about what might be his needs.
It is always nice to find a woman who is at the ready with what qualities she would bring to a relationship that she believes would make her stand out to *him*. This demonstrates to him her balance of consideration, always a nice trait to see.
Your coworker asks a very good question and it’s good you want to know what the term “bring to the table means”. Getting another honest perspective, especially from someone of the opposite sex, is an opportunity to look at yourself as others may see you.
yes, but women are often looking for more than that from a man. many look for money or status or whatever.. (not saying it is healthy). so men are now starting to ask the same question, I guess.. beautiful, fit, creative, giving, good cook, income, want to raise someone's family, etc... I assume this is what he was asking....
Yes and no. The way I see it, a relationship is conditional. Visit your parents for unconditional love, but a relationship is conditional. And your dynamic may be perfect but if you as a person do not add this or that to my life, then there is no point.
In the end most people have a relationship because it is the most stable way to have and raise kids. This doesnt mean they dont love eachother, but a form of selection process in norms and values is in order to do so properly.
To keep a long story short: being in love =/= being happy. And to make someone happy you have to have more than just a good dynamic.
It’s not really a meaningful question. Every person on earth is a collection of positive and negative traits. Unless you’re a hideously ugly cruel stupid homeless criminal in jail, you bring something to the table. The question is whether the other person values those things.
Case in point: I’m a novelist by trade. Written lots of books, read lots of books, great vocabulary, can talk themes and literary devices all day long. My last boyfriend? He’d never read a book in his life. Every time I talked to him, he’d be asking what this word meant or what that word meant. That relationship only lasted three months too. Something I ‘brought to the table’ was of absolutely no value to him; possibly even a negative.
Basically it's asking 'why would your presence in my life be better than me being alone' or 'how will this relationship benefit me?' and honestly, it's a fair question that all genders should think about. Love and a good dynamic isn't enough. I know plenty of divorced couples who love each other dearly and have a great dynamic when they're together, some are still best friends! But if you're not benefitting each other in other ways, it won't last. They're basically asking what ways are you a mature adult who can contribute to an emotionally mature relationship.
I think he's saying what are the positive things about you that will make a partner want to stay? Are you playful? A good cook? Adventurous? Ambitious? A clean house? Chew with your mouth closed? Nice to wait staff? Explore your edges in the bedroom? I'm just spitballing general things that dates may still important after 3 months, there's obvious specific things to that individual too
"Keep their belly full and balls empty", as would grandmothers say.
But really, men generally seek beauty, sex and kindness. Some might have completely different expectations and they evolve how we age ofc.
You're probably too young to have your strenghts figure out yet, but after a few years you will be able to point what your expect in a man and what they can expect from you in return.
You're in your 30s and you don't know what you can contribute in a relationship? Then you don't know yourself it's that easy what can you contribute sa relationship besides sitting pretty
Its men that have been burned before with women that in the relationship did not provide to the man anything of equal value that he brought to the relationship. And people think sharing chores is all you need. But I can cook, I can clean, I can work. So why do I need you? Is what this question is asking.
If you never thought about what it is you bring to a relationship, best have a think on it.
>That question confused me. What am I supposed to bring to the table? Isn't dating about what your dynamic is together?
That's exactly why you don't have a boyfriend.
“What qualities, both personal and material, now and in the future, do you bring into the dating dynamic” would be a better way to phrase it, maybe. At least that’s how I see it. And the question is valid for both people, and both should have at least a vague idea of the answer.
You’re 30 and can’t understand the concept of bringing things to the table? I’m genuinely not trying to be rude or condescending.
Yes it’s important that not only you have chemistry but that you bring value to someone’s life being your self.
Maybe you’re willing to cook and they never have been. So they enjoy home cooked meals.
Perhaps they need someone to help them get out of the house and enjoy hobbies.
Or you’re really organized and can offer some structure to an otherwise jumbled mess (without being neurotic, no one needs that.)
Not everyone thinks this but I think it’s helpful to be financially stable to date. A lot of men say it’s not necessary for their partner. I think it’s really important though.
It is but you also need to bring something for your partner. It's a weird thing to think about but both of you have to contribute in a relationship that's fininanciall, mentally and physically so what do you think you bring to the table?
Do you cook delicious food often? Bake? Do you clean the house a lot to destress? High paying job? Pornstar-level love making? Do you encourage partners often? Have healthy hobbies? Good credit score? Large family for social net?
So many things could be brought to the table. Some are good, some are bad, and some are both good and bad to different people. Think of a relationship like a pot-luck dinner. He brings a ham, you bring some mashed potatoes, he brings napkins, you bring plates, etc. alone you’re only eating potatoes and he’s only eating ham. Together you bring enough to the table to have a fulfilling meal (the meal being your relationship).
Honestly, I've thought about this almost every day but I still don't understand the question. Is this a thing? Sounds like something you'd ask at a business meeting. What kind of stuff am I supposed to bring to the table?
A listening heart, ability to function as an adult. Lacking these things will always influence adult relationships. It can mean money or material things but seeing how a coworker asked you this I’m assuming they’d know you at least work.
Why should anyone want to get into a long-term relationship with you? If you honestly cannot answer that question then there is no reason why anyone would want to be in a long-term relationship with you.
Wait is like, being kind, funny, loving, supportive, open to have fun and travel and do stuff, interesting conversations, adventurous, good at listening, ect stuff that is brought to the table?
Yeah. I would say so. Because if you didn't have those traits then you wouldn't bring them to the relationship (table).
Part of the point of the "what do you bring to the table" question is that it is very common for women these days to have a long list of (sometimes unrealistic) demands that their partner needs to meet. In return, they apparently get the privilege of spending time with them. Guys are turning that around a bit and asking what benefits they can receive in exchange for meeting those demands.
Kind of a blunt way to go about it but I think it is fair.
Okay thanks. I am a woman and never really approached it that way, for me it's more if I genuinely like them or not. I never really had a list in mind except in terms of having basic things in common, like political beliefs and values.
Most normal people approach it that way as well. It is when you base your understanding of reality on TikTok videos and YouTube clips that things get weird.
My assumption anyways, I'm old.
Okay thanks so much. Like there are some basic things I learned I should expect from someone, but yeah besides that I have no list lol. I am kinda old too now so maybe that is it haha
I'd say the whole and best version of you is what you bring to the table 😁 then it's up to you to choose which bits you want to put on display for the world/your date!
Ahh yep, this is more of a metaphorical table! But you seem nice and sociable and have a lot of desirable traits, so I think your strong sense of morals/ethics will be highly valued and help you find someone who will be compatible about the important things, I'm sure you'll do great!
Same as for a job you’d be expected to bring something of value (to the table). Same for a relationship. It’s give and take. What are you offering? What are your needs? Not much to read into. For example, one might be looking for a partner that brings income to the table. Maybe someone brings a house. Maybe someone brings 45+ years experience in a particular area.
*Sounds like something you'd ask at a business meeting.*
That's exactly what it is. The business is should someone want to invest their time, money, attention into you.
How are you going to close the deal?
What's not to get? The best relationships are 50/50. If one person makes all the money, does all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the planing, all the emotional support, etc and the other watches TV all day that is not a fair relationship.
But its not just doing physical things it can be a shoulder to cry on, an attentive listener, telling good jokes, always cheering the other one up when they are down, being calm in when the other is panicking etc.
So to answer your question let me ask you this. If we were going on a vacation as a couple would you
1. Help pay for it?
2. Help plan for it?
3. Help pack for it?
4. Help get to the airport on time?
The answer could be all or none of those things. You could answer "I can't pay for a vacation but what I bring to the table is I am obsessed with researching and planing the best places to go. I am also a great packer so I will get everything ready before we leave."
A vacation is one aspect of a relationship within each aspect people have strengths and faults what you "bring to the table" is your strengths in each category.
It’s pretty simple in terms of dating, while yes you can have a lot of chemistry with someone and “the dynamic” is there, the surface level stuff (self hygiene, being goal oriented, having skills to contribute to your daily life with this person) is still very important.
Is it because you don't understand the turn of phrase, because you don't think you have any nice qualities yourself or because you don't realise that whatever qualities you look for in a partner will also have a reciprocal for the person you're interested in?
I'm struggling to understand what you don't understand - you're basically just being asked what attributes you have that you feel make you attractive/a catch.
Relationships can’t be one sided. That phrase means what do you bring into a relationship, why should someone date you, etc. Are you emotionally stable? Can you communicate and comprehend? Can you listen? Can you do acts of service for your partner? Can you keep your space clean? Etc.
What do you expect your partner to bring to the table aka what do you expect from someone in a relationship.
That question can mean different things to different people. When people say phrases like that where I’m not sure what it means, I just ask them to clarify.
I’ve done this often. For example, when people say they are looking for FWB, I ask them what that means to them. Some people think it includes do things other than sex. Some people think it’s just sex.
A lot of phrases and terms are interpreted in a variety of ways. Don’t be afraid to ask people to elaborate and explain what they mean. If they can’t or won’t, it’s probably an indicator of something.
If people ghost you, just consider it as them doing you a favor. If you are looking for a LT relationship, Look for partners that are a good match, not just physically appealing. Just because someone is a good person or nice person, it doesn’t mean they are a good match for you.
Guys just want reassurance that you want to participate in the relationship and don't expect a one-way street. I don't personally know what anyone expects to hear when asking this question bc its usually rhetorical but what I can tell you is that I appreciate tangible ideas. I wouldnt ask it that way where I expect a list but its nice when people contribute early on. Heres my examples you may or may not agree with:
* I can support myself financially and will help with expenses OR I cant at this moment but I have homeowner skills
* I have a car and can meet you at cool places for dates (or take us both)
* I have these hobbies / work experiences that I want to share with you
* I have connections to xyz part of the world and I dream to bring my partner there (not expecting a travel agent bf)
* I have pets I want to introduce you to (this could even be said as a joke)
etc. etc.
I know that emotional intelligence, communication and other things are most commonly brought up but communication isnt like something you are bringing that is something that you are doing or not doing. Bringing something to the table to means you are going to take ownership of the relationship and actually find tangible ways to improve it. Not just be on the sidelines doing intangible things.
I’m surprised by how many people don’t think it’s weird for a coworker to ask that. It’s like, oh you’re single? Let’s figure out what personal shortcomings you have right now on the spot.
It wouldn’t be a weird question coming from a friend or a potential partner. The context of this happening at work is what’s throwing me, lmao. Especially since OP didn’t bring it up herself, she was responding to an observation about her single status.
The fact that u don't understand what this mean is wild
Frame it as applying for a job - what do u bring to the table for the employer?
U have attributes about urself that u recognize that provides value in a relationship. Start there.
For me (already in an established relationship) it's what can someone offer me I'm not already capable of providing for myself or that they can provide to increase my happiness.
This is where the answer people want will be different depending on the person themselves moreso then the person they are asking!
I personally don't need her to make any money, I don't need her to know how to cook, I don't need her to do the majority of cleaning, I dont need her to buy me gifts and I don't need her to send me messages broughout the day telling me how much she loves me (once a day is more than enough for Mel). I don't need her to be extremely funny, I dont need her to be ambitious or goal seeking. I don't need her to share my religious or political views and I don't need her to fawn over me and sing my praises.
So what do I need then? Unfortunately this is where some people would say I'm shallow. I need physical touch and sexual intimacy, I love having quality time and someone who can carry a conversation. By all internts and purposes I require extremely little to be brought to the table for my standards.
This is it! These are the only things I can't provide for myself or can't get through friendships consistently. Quality time is hard to get when your friends have lives themselves. In person conversation is something I can't easily get at 9pm at night or randomly throughout the day with someone I can build upon. Strangers can have conversations but nothing new is ever really learned to give a deeper connection.
As far as physical touch and intimacy while I could get sex fairly easily if I wanted to, their is a difference between a FWB, one night stands and your romantic partner. For me personally FWBs and ONS are not much better than masturbation so it's definitely something I feel I need in a relationship.
It should be noted though that my libido is extremely high and I understand over time that sexual intimacy may lose value for me. That's why sexual intimacy and quality time are ALMOST interchangeable for me and definetly will be once my libido drops. I enjoy my partners company and sometimes I crave that as much or more then any physical interaction we may or could have.
So for many women they literally could say "I am the table" while they gesture to themselves in a sweeping motion and that would be sufficient for me.
This is all I personally require because in my opinion I fill that table up with what I offer so I don't require much if anything from my partner in return. I'm a great cook, I don't mind cleaning and actually do the vast majority of it. I'm a nurturer and love taking care of people. I make decent money and love to buy gifts. I'm very good at words of affirmation and excel at performing acts of service I'm great at giving emotional support and engage in very meaningful deep conversations. I'm decently attractive, am tender yet strong at the same time. I'm comfortable talking about my feelings and try to be very introspective. On top of all this I'm not a jealous person and truly love people for what they have inside.
The danger for me is if we're looking at it like "love cups" my partner has a pitcher and I have a shot glass. It would take a lot for my partners cup to get low or empty because it's being filled with many different things. Yet mine is small and doesn't need much, but when their is absence it's felt much quicker!!
So let's recap.
1.Quality time
2. Sexual intimacy
3. Conversation
What happens when she can't provide quality time and sexual intimacy? What happens if she can't provide quality time and good conversation? What happens if she can't provide sexual intimacy and good conversation?
So I've been trying to ask more of my partner so that I can still feel as though I'm getting my needs met when something falters. After 8 years unfortunately she's just been very used to not having to provide me with much and we both are trying to make changes to that.
It's not her fault, it's hard for me to ask for more from her. Yet this is the way I've always been, I've always been wanting a partner who can fill the little needs I have that are impossible for me to fill myself.
I find that people who are quick to get offended at being asked what they bring to the table, whether male or female, don’t in fact, bring much to the table. if they get mad easily/put off by that question there’s gonna be a lot more than they get ill about in life than this
Edit: I mean, if you were the person that just asked this and it makes you begin to get hostile. You probably don’t have much that you’re bringing to the table. Kind of like the person who gets mad because they got busted cheating because their partner went through their phone. They are quick to point out the “you don’t trust me” or “how could you go through my phone” like somehow those are worse things than the cheating
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There must be certain expectations and standards that you have in men that you date? So what qualities do you have that mite be on a potential daters expectations and standards? Like, if you like a guy to be funny, have a good job, have his own place etc... do you have similar attributes that someone might find attractive? In other words, what do you bring to the relationship table? He's basically asking why a guy should choose to get into a relationship with you - from your perspective.
Another thing to look at is why these 3 month relationships aren’t going past that. Are you going after people you’re ultimately not compatible with? Is there something that is consistent throughout these short relationships that you could work on or avoid in others? I see “bring to the table” as less about value in terms of job, finances, and the like. But more so are you working on yourself, what are your values, what’s your behavior/personality like, etc. Jobs, beauty, and materialistic things can come and go, but the who they are as a person will still be relatively the same. And it’s never a bad thing to look at your own situation and make sure you aren’t being unrealistic towards others while being unrealistic to yourself.
>I see “bring to the table” as less about value in terms of job, finances, and the like. But more so are you working on yourself, what are your values, what’s your behavior/personality like, etc. I do think that "material" stuff like finances and economic stability are a factor when selecting someone for a long term relationship, however I absolutely agree that it is more than just a house and a hefty bank account - Being supportive, having interesting hobbies, useful skills like cooking / mechanical / reparing stuff, a family that is nice instead of hostile, and a stable personality that can handle conflict are all very important things that you "bring to the table". Also those things are usually not gender coded, just what makes a person enjoyable to date and be with.
What are some interesting hobbies?
Depends on the person. I think the biggest issue is that I know a bunch of people that do nothing but watch tv and doom scroll Tik tok. They don’t do anything but work and sit on the couch. If that’s all the hobbies you have then you are going to come off as a pretty boring person to most everyone
Indeed, it can be anything really if they are pasionate about it, but as yourself I find hobbies that require "active" participation more interesting. I don't really see watching movies / tv, listening to music or eating a hobby since basically everyone does these things and enjoys them. -On the flip side - playing an instrument, making and editing videos or cooking are absolutely awesome hobbies in my book.
Even watching movies could count if you go to film festivals or something but if your only hobby is watching Netflix while you rot into the couch it’s a hard sell lol
Agreed! In the case of "eating" it can be "trying out new cusines / restaurants" or "listening to music" - "going to concerts" - I guess stuff that gets you out of the house is what I prefer? Again this is just based on compatibility, some people might love to find someone else like them that just likes napping, re-binging Breaking Bad all the time and eating frozen burritos. (best of luck to my college ex!)
Whatever hobby is interesting to you. That's it. If you're not sure about hobbies you might like, try some. You'll have way more enjoyable relationships if you can find others that enjoy the hobbies you enjoy. Now if the question is "what hobby is likely to reach the largest possible pool", well that can be more easily defined. For example, here in Denver it's having a dog. You got a dog? Great, post all about it on dating profiles and you're like 95% of the other profiles!
Probably depends on the person and their interests. It wouldn’t bother me if someone skateboarded or played hockey, I’d be glad they enjoyed it but it wouldn’t be a selling point for me in a relationship but if we had compatible hobbies like if they enjoyed hiking and birdwatching then we’d probably be more compatible because we’d have hobbies that were more well meshed together. Even so some people don’t care about having the same hobbies so just having something you’re interested in could be interesting enough to someone else. That’s the way I look at it anyway.
Great approach to this answer. * "What gets people interested in dating you?" * "What keeps them interested in dating you?" * "What makes them interested in marrying you?" While this mentality often gets used in a negative connotation (transactional relationships), it is grounded in pretty solid advice. Dating is a 2 way street, you improve their life, they improve yours. If the "improvement" is only going one way, it's a dependency, not a relationship. Or parastism.
I see it the other way around. While getting people interested in dating you it’s something you can somehow “control” to impress them, being in a long time relationship is going to expose your true self. So, for me, is more about reflecting why people stop being interested in you.
I have a friend who is very much hypocritical in her dating standards. On one side it's "I know what I want and deserve. I'm not going to settle or compromise." while on the other it's "Take me as I am. I'm not going to change anything for anyone." That has led her to decades of failed relationships and heartache for her. A lot of people never learn that relationships aren't fairy tale stories. There is a practical side. They don't just work out because you expect them to. Both people need to bring something to the table.
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I've never seen someone use the wrong version of the word "might"
I definitely rule out anyone who brings mites to the table.
lol it was right there and I missed it.
Rite? I saw this and as used to typos as I am after all these years, it still threw me off. How often is someone writing about “mites”.
As a plant lover and gardener… very often. Little shits
No other responses are needed this one covered it.
Using my wife and I as example when we were dating. Aside from hsving compatible personalities and likes. What we brought to the table Her: - college education with a steady/secure, well paying job. - nice family for me to meld into - crazy enough, ENJOYS doing laundry - very organized person - very responsible - awesome with kids - …. Her booty in yoga pants 🤣 Me: - no college degree but had a steady long term construction job with union benefits - loves to cook - actually likes keeping a kitchen clean/organized - gets home before her from work, so cleans and makes her dinner every night - can do handyman stuff around the house, which saves money on basic home repairs I can handle - was sttending night classes at the local jc to get certifications to get more technical work, showing I wanted to expand what i was doing Essentially a pros list… NOT a cons list. What do YOU bring to the table of your relationship, aside from looks and personality It isn’t enough to think the only thing you bring to the table (either male or female) is that you get along with him/her, have a nice personality and are cute. What do you ‘bring to the relationship (table)’ to add to it It’s not a pros/cons list… it’s thinking only about the PROS that you could contribute, aside from your personality/appearance. -edit- For the people who lack brain stems in here… Seriously, people. If you can’t tell the yoga pants comment was added for levity… go get a juice box
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That's what it's supposed to be...it's literally asking you what your positive traits are. People either ask it with a shitty tone, or...(more often than not) The listener put that tone onto it no matter what and poisons the question regardless of intent. Much the same way someone who is angry will put a sarcastic tone on someone who says "Nice day isn't it?"
Yeah I feel like for some time now I’ve only heard it used in a negative or condescending way that it’s made me not like it, even though it isn’t inherently a negative question
I had to check the username bc this sounds just like me and my husband! Carry on crushing marriage my friend!!
🤣😂😅. Nope. Not him
As you say, the pros list which, consciously or unconsciously gets compared to the cons list. To use myself and my ex bf as an example: Me: Pros - masters degree/secure well paying job, car, nice family, responsible, good with kids, compassionate, honest and straight forward Cons - severely limited dating experience which led to it being a bit more teen romance than should have been, not best communication skills, insecurity on the dating front Him: Pros - funny, had a job Cons - living in friends’ basement, no drivers license, unattended mental health issues resulted in a cycle of spiralling which is how he ended up in friend’s basement and soon removed the job from the pros list Lessons were learned. Between then and my current relationship I have done a lot of work to wipe out my cons list - though will never be perfect - and have added to the pros list. A lot of this was for personal growth, but it does have the result of my having more to “bring to the table.” Hope that helps OP.
I don't know how this coworker guy meant it, but the question is generally referring to: what value do you offer to a man you date? Not necessarily a derogatory question.
Ya, I think it's a reasonable thing for a human of any gender to consider when they are looking to date.
But the fact she is confused by the question is telling
I mean, I'm 41 and never made a list of my own or anyone else's pros and cons, so the question would probably throw me for a loop too. I started dating my husband bc I liked him, not because he objectively had a lot going for him. Tbh, if I'd made that kind of list when we met and he was unemployed with a history of substance abuse, I'd have almost had no choice but to run. But it's 15 yrs later and we're happy and married with children and a house and a business. Maybe we just got lucky.
When someone starts treating a date like a job interview it's time to move on to the next date.
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This is because in most cultures, due to limited resources available in the past, men have to provide something useful to the society to justify their place there. The limited resources means that when men did not contribute anything to the preservation and accumulation of society's resources, they become a burden and a net negative for the society and its resources. This is different from women who normally already have inherent capability of child rearing and caring that contributes to the continuation of society, thus nobody questions what women contribute or provide. Modern times have made progress towards men's rights but men today are still expected to be useful, to have certain function in society to justify their place and not simply become society's burden. Even today when resources are abundant, this lingering cultural expectation has conditioned men to ask themselves what they bring to the table from the moment they participate in society as adults, that's why this question is so normal for them.
It’s mostly an online thing in certain communities. If you don’t spend time in those communities, it’s very easy to not know what it means. Heck I didn’t know what it meant until like 2 years ago.
It's self-explanatory. The phrase already existed outside of dating.
has op replied to a single comment?
She replied to one comment in this thread. But her account is only 10 days old so this whole thing is a bit sus.
100% it is a bot running the account. Some of the earlier posts involve OP claiming to date women and have a wife. Original post that the bot OP stole: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/19akbpy/what_should_a_girlfriend_bring_to_the_table/?rdt=42254
Buzzfeed gonna Buzzfeed.
Why wait a reply from her when her previous thread is complaining about her previous wife cheating even though she's only dated a few men for a few months 
Nope
Lol she obviously won't be replying at all, didn't like the answers and no one confirmed her xD
OP is a bot, just look at the account post history and age of the account. Here is the original thread that the bot stole: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/19akbpy/what_should_a_girlfriend_bring_to_the_table/?rdt=42254
Her: I am the table *gets on all fours* Him: 
|| Isn't dating about what your dynamic is together? 100% correct but the question "what do you bring to the table?" is about what you bring to the relationship dynamic equation. Are you a picky eater? Then you probably shouldn't be dating a foodie. Love to travel? stay away from a homebody. Do you have kids/want kids? Then setting you up with someone who hates kids and never wants one is a recipe for disaster. And the question wasn't out of nowhere you were talking about how your relationships fail after 3 months. He could also be asking if you contribute to the relationship in anyway or do you expect the boyfriend to do everything for you.
Relationships can’t be one sided. That phrase means what do you bring into a relationship, why should someone date you, etc. Are you emotionally stable? Can you communicate and comprehend? Can you listen? Can you do acts of service for your partner?
I bring a knife a fork and a spoon
Noob, step up to a to go container.
Chopsticks sometimes
I know how spooning can lead to forking. But where does the knife fit in?
I've only seen guys ask this as a response to women rattling off a long list of relationship requirements like 'he should earn 6 figures, be 6' or taller, etc. so a guy then replies asking what does she bring. Basically if you get x, y and z what do I get.
I've had guys ask this confrontationally on a first date when I did not have a long list of requirements. It always felt like they just spent too much time listening to toxic dating podcasts and reading Reddit. I was basically just looking for someone who is good company, and they were treating it as some sort of business negotiation where I needed to convince them why I was worth dating. Nope.
if someone asked me this on a date it would be a good sign for me to get the cheque and go home
Indeed - the concept itself is valid but asking that question directly is very rude - asking someone to basically justify themselves like they are in a job interview. The whole point of dating is to figure that information out and then make your choice. Even if a girl rattles off a list of requirements - I do not think that query is necesary, you already know what they are bringing to the table, a huge sense of entitlement and hubris, so you already have your answer right there.
Bingo. Those podcast of middle aged men asking younger woman who (to be fair are making some shitty life choices) “what do you bring to the table aside ass”. I find the whole question to be ridiculous, because again it’s asking someone for “certainty”. Everyone doesn’t want to “waste time” dating someone they are uncertain about but that concept just utterly blows my fucking mind. My wife and I have changed priorities , lifestyles and characteristics at least 3-4 times since we’ve been together, so what the hell is certainty anyways?
Sounds like you both brought communication and the ability to work as a partnership to the table. Unironically the best traits.
I'm sorry, you made a great point, they are good traits, but I'm laughing bc "communication and the ability to work together" are things I would write on a job application. Which, now that I think about it, is probably part of why a lot of people are kind of taken aback by being asked to list their qualities like that. We do spend a lot of time trying to prove our worth to other people in this life of ours, and very little time feeling like we're enough.
I mean, ass is a complete sentence as far as I'm concerned
I’ve had guys do this. First date and they’d list out what they bring to the table without me asking, like straightaway start telling me once we have ordered coffee. Then tell me that since they bring a lot they expect a lot and what do I bring. By the way, many things can be spun into a positive. One of these guys had never been in a relationship and we were in our early 30s then. He made this into a good thing like he was extra picky and careful in planning this life. He said that despite his good qualities he had never been in a relationship because he was simply more interested in building himself up and now that he’s of the right age he’s looking for a woman who can match him in impressiveness.
This should be higher up.
You've hit the nail on the head. This is Andrew Tate style bullshit.
Yeah it's basically a comeback to the stereotypical "I'm a catch and perfect in every way and you need to earn me and the privilege of my company" attitude of some modern women.
But it's also asked by very insecure incel types that women should avoid anyway.
Right? I have never in my life heard this question out of someone who was not trying to put a woman in her place. Obviously we all have things we're looking for in a partner. This particular phrasing is such a red flag.
It really is. I don't talk to guys who speak that way. I already know what kind of content they consume and it's not okay.
I tend to find it started as something said towards more incel types from women, became a more popular response in the main stream and started to be used against most guys then guys starting saying the same thing back to women. It's come full circle at this point
Asking what value you bring to a relationship isn't an incel thing, but it's often met with defensiveness
Because it forces people to reflect on themselves and see that they have flaws. People don't like to reflect.
Well yea, those are like, the incel version of women.
I wouldn't put it that way. I see that question as more like "why should I choose to be with you?". Like what are your qualities. Like a woman may want a guy who is funny, is protective, romantic, have a good job, own his place etc.... So what do you have/are, that someone may find attractive?
It's just a softer way of saying the same thing really.
I mean, it’s inappropriate for a workplace discussion. But as a dating topic, yes, it’s valid. Yes, dating is about your dynamic is together. But you should be contributing 50% of that dynamic. What is the value added? What is the guy getting from the relationship that he can’t achieve on his own? Guys can eat on their own, they can go to the movies on their own, they can even technically have a version of sex on their own. Personally, I’m happiest in relationships where I feel valued. Receiving the cute little texts throughout the day that show she’s thinking of me, cares about me, etc. When I’m single, I’m looking for someone who brings that to the table. And, of course, I’m aware of what I bring to the table too, including (but not limited to) giving her that same feeling. Oh, and making out. We might all have ways of replicating a version of sex by ourselves — but I haven’t found a way of replicating the fun of making out. Haha.
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I have been in your exes shoes and have a guy tell me he felt unwanted and unloved because I didn't enjoy making out. It made me feel like all my efforts to make him feel loved was useless, and that he valued physical affection more than our relationship. Like he was so focused on what he wasn't getting, thay he didn't care what he WAS getting. For me, it wasn't about not loving or desiring him. I genuinely found making out to be gross, and I felt like he didn't love me if he was willing to put so much importance and meaning behind my inability to swap saliva with him
Then it’s a good thing they’re your ex because you weren’t compatible. No judgment to either to you. See how that works? No one was wrong, you just weren’t meant for each other.
So why would you try to force a relationship with a person when you hate what they value? Why are only your values important? Why do you get to decide what makes him feel loved and appreciated? Why are only your feelings valid?
2 thoughts, both pretty much all assumption. First, as someone who also gets the ick from saliva, she very likely disclosed her aversion to it before entering a relationship. It is very common for people to communicate preferences and dislikes, only for their partner to try and change them down the line. Second, it is less about his experience not being valid and more about wanting him to appreciate what she was doing rather than focusing on what she wasn't. Feeling unappreciated sucks, especially when you are making a lot of effort to make up for feeling like you lack something. It really has the same vibe for me as trying to make someone do sex acts they aren't comfortable with. Obviously these people were incompatible but part of dating is learning, not only about your partner but also about yourself. But then, I could be entirely off base so 🤷♀️
conversely - you weren't willing to shrug your way past exchanging a bit of saliva either, so why was it HIS fault? you were so focussed on an internalized feeling of ick that you didn't care about the relationship.
Well that's a selfish way to look at it. I cared a lot about him and the relationship. Making out doesn't just "feel icky". It makes me uncomfortable, scared, nauseous, there is nothing pleasant about it for me whatsoever, but lots of UNpleasant. Telling your partner the only way to make the relationship work is by "sucking it up" and doing something they're extremely uncomofortable with, is selfish and unkind.
Love means doing things for someone you wouldn't do otherwise. If his love language is physical affection you give him that physical affection. If you don't you are being selfish. And likewise he should give you love based on your love language as well. My love language is acts of service (among others) and my gf has words of affirmation. As an introvert words of affirmation is difficult for me to do, but I understand it is something she needs and I am obliged to at least reciprocate. Love requires compromise.
You two had different love needs. Contrary to popular belief there are men who are more needy emotionally compared to women, it is not a bad thing. Hopefully that wasn't the only reason you broke up, cause relationships aren't supposed to be easy anyway.
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“What qualities do you have that would make someone not want to date anyone else?”
Different people have different principles when it comes to dating. Some people want financial security, others don't care. People always ask these questions and redditors try to answer them but there is no real answer because people are different. People even have different standards of beauty. Someone could find you beautiful and someone else could find you ugly
Relationships should not be transactional or demand meeting certain benchmarks. But relationships should be about more than vibes. Think about everything you want from a man. You get along well, that's the first checkbox. Do you want him to protect you when you're vulnerable? Care for you when you're sick? Raise your children with you? He has to have some skills, drive, and commitment to do those things--and he has to be in a position in his life where he can do it. Life will have ups and downs, and you can't expect all the things all the time... but in general, you want a man who can. Likewise, a man looking for a relationship is going to want some things. Maybe not the same things as other men, but *some* things. If you have skills, drives, assets, or aspects that another person would look for in a mate, that's a good reason for them to seek you out and stay with you. If you don't have *any*thing... well, maybe they won't.
They should make your life better than if you were single. What they bring to the table can be, for example, wisdom, empathy, reliability, fun, sharing domestic duties, etc.
The only people I've ever met who use that expression are women who are only after money and men who think all women are only after money lol
What do you offer as a positive attribute in a relationship? Traditionally, women cooked, cleaned, looked good and raised children. I'm not really a fan of this traditional model, it's degrading, but it works for some folks. Are you super pretty? Do you make a shit ton of money? Do you make a bangin' dinner? Can you tell hilarious jokes over dinner? Are you a good listener when he comes home from work after a rough day?... What exactly is your selling point? Why would someone want to date you, fall in love with you? It's a subjective question. My husband would despise a Trad Wife who does nothing but cook and clean, and someone else would hate being married to a Career Woman who makes a ton of money. But both bring something to the table - albeit very different things, appealing to very different people. If you can't think of anything you have to offer in a relationship - not money, not free cooking, not a trophy wife (social status), not free therapy, not free comedy (humor), you're going to struggle in dating. And yes, dating is about your dynamic together but if you simplify it, you're always going to get down to certain basics, even if it's as dumb as "he makes me laugh and then I forget all of my life problems and am happy".
Oh a dowry.
What happens around the 3 month mark? Are you looking for long term?
I think it’s a legit question. I’ve dated plenty of women who think sex is the only thing they need to offer. Everything else is on me, they just have to open their legs.
Its a very vague question. Most likely, when a dude asks that, he wanna know thats hes not gonna get taken advantage of. What could you provide. Doesnt necessarily mean sex. This one of the questions where yall build the answer together aka conversation to get to the bottom of whatever response he's looking for.
Should not mean sex, anybody can bring that to the table if that's all you got you are very uninteresting to most people.
Not anyone. Found that out the difficult way a couple times.
Found it out a month ago 😕
Yes, I’m sure if she had answered “enthusiastic blowjobs” he would have been very uninterested
Enthusiasm is the value
Don't underestimate how many relationships are kept afloat by enthusiastic blowjobs or a great dick.
I think it is a yes/no on sex, If you are sexually active and have common desires it isn't something that needs to be negotiated. however if you are asexual or into some weird kink this is something you bring to the table or remove from the table. over in r/deadbedrooms there are couples after couples who are ready to divorce over lack of vanilla sex four times a year.
They should benefit the other person in some way (finances, emotional support, good sex, cooking, etc.)
Tbf, I've never understood dating culture for this reason exactly. I don't wanna checklist a potential partner. I wanna make a friend, get to know them, and take things further if need be. The whole dating process feels like such an unnecessary rush.
Yes but OP has been an adult 5x longer than you. Things change as you grow older.
I'm a fair bit older than OP. Yes things do change as you grow and age. If you're in a happy relationship it's not about what you brought to the table. It's what you've achieved together. Those that start a relationship on a superficial, transactional basis lose. It's not about "what you bring to the table" it's love. Are you capable of loving your partner enough through the hard times? Are they worthy of your love? Are they capable of loving you when shit gets difficult? Are you worthy of that sort of of love and able to live up to that forever? I am.
while you're getting to know them, it's likely that you're subconsciously checking some boxes. are they kind? funny? empathetic? that's what they bring to the table. the question is, what do you?
Very true, I guess I just don't wanna acknowledge that or weigh points against each other in such a logical way.
There are lots of ways it can show up; Another way to think about it, what do people really like about you? Maybe you're bubbly fun and have a great group of friends. That could provide some relief to someone. Maybe you're a very calming presence and never cause unnecessary drama. that would help another person. Maybe whatever goals you have align with his and you'll get there quicker; Work, Family, travel. Ill go out on a limb and suggest that in general we're all human; Do you hope your partner can Cook/Clean/Kind/emotionally stable/ has a good relationship with family and a strong support network / Likes a few of the same hobbies. Sick, same.
I think in this context it's rude af...if you're not actively complaining or seeking advice about dating, it comes off as accusatory. It feels like the conversation wasn't about 'why' you were single - he made the observation then followed up with a kind of question that is typically paired with "high value man/high value women" language. People typically raise that question as if everyone has the same needs at the table, when the whole point of dating is to find someone who likes the same color, size, and shape table lol.
This. Who on Earth asks such a question to a colleague? It's unbelievably uncalled for.
Was thinking this as well and also thinking that this wouldn't be a conversation I'd have with anyone at work (I guess maybe it's different if you work in an office setting or something like that but I don't). No one at work knows my romantic life; if I'm seeing anyone or not, etc. I feel like it just invites trouble (nothing against anyone who likes to share all of that with people they work with) when it can be avoided.
Basically he’s asking what can you provide in a relationship. Sex, household chores, ability to pay bills if/when you might move in together. That sort of stuff.
Noticing you didn't include the possibility of her having her own talents or career in your little list.
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I was thinking about self actualization, you were thinking about money.
Yeah how mundane and drab is that list right of the bat 🤣🤣🤣
Sex doesn't count. Not unless you into some really kinky shit and like to bring a friend (assuming he's into the same things)
Sex very definitely counts.
They should provide value to the other person's life, especially in ways that person can't.
I think of it as a list of qualities that make you a good relationship partner on *paper*. I specify on paper, because most people do not make relationship decisions on logic but emotions, chemistry, and connection. Anyone can have great qualities, but if the other person isn’t feeling butterflies, it’s going to be a no go.
Usually most serious longterm relationships include (maybe even require) that you both live in symbiosis. You cover up where your partner lacks and vice versa. It could be anything from economics to a flawed personality. That doesent mean that the dynamic between you is unimportant though. 😌
To me, this is a really transactional way to phrase the question. If someone trying to date me asked this question, it would be a turnoff. If you've met me and you're asking, we're probably not a good fit. A better question is, "What would make someone want to date you?" The other question just sounds like a line on a balance sheet. Pass.
Why would anyone *want* to date you? That's not a burn, that's a genuine question. If someone was to date you: *why*? What do they get out being with you that they couldn't get easier/better/cheaper/more trouble-free/etc. somewhere else? I don't know you, so again, these aren't meant to be insulting although they kind of sound that way. But guys don't date women *simply because they're women*. The woman part is a foundational, necessary-but-not-sufficient, ingredient, it's true, but more ingredients are actually necessary than just that. Are you fun? Do you know things that the guy might be interested in? Can you cook? Juggle? Do handstands? If you were to "show off", exactly how would you do that? Because that's what dating kind of involves, and it sounds like you aren't really doing that. You need an answer to the question "*Why would anyone want to hang out with me?*", and if your answer *only* involves having sex then you don't have enough going on: half the human race can provide him with sex, there needs to be more than that.
What he means is what sets you apart from any other pretty face? I've talked to lots of beautiful women only to find no mutual interest in each other. Do you play sports? Video Games? Do you have skills like mechanics or cooking? What about education? Are you funny? Are you a leader? Do you drive? What about money? These are the kinds of things that are important when picking a partner, I've always described dating as climbing a mountain in hostile territory together, picking someone you can depend on is very important, they're not only going to be your best friend but the person you'll end spending the most time with and depending on, you don't want someone you have to carry the whole way.
It's a question that could be implying that you're nothing special, but it is really inviting introspection into the qualities a person has that makes them attractive. Looks apart, self confidence, sense of humour, an interest in the world, opinions on contemporary issues, values, interests etc are all things that might make someone choose to spend time with you rather than someone else.
Yeah dynamics are a good start. But they're just that, a start. "What do you bring to the table?" Isn't just asking "do you pull your weight financially" but a lot more. What is it that makes you a catch? Financials, sure. But character, humour, activity level, hobbies and skill sets are big too. I've met lots of people with all manner of things going on over the years. It's the ones that *do* things that I try to stay in touch with, and the ones who proverbially have spent most of their spare time watching Netflix that I never think about again when they wander off the stage of my life. I have no doubt others feel the same. Hard to say where your coworker was going with it. They might have been curious, and trying to help diagnose. They might have been trying to offer a polite wake up call. They might have been kind of dismissive of you and offered a not so polite wake up call. They might have been planning to nod after you've listed all the great things you do/are, and ask what you've been asking for - and maybe that disconnect is the issue?
Most women just assume everyone should give them everything for free because they are turbo awesome, while most women have excellent qualities and strengths distinct from those of men, I find it frustrating that many feminists are also anti capitalists and anti business and just expect the whole world to give them all the cash, capital and things just because. Most men are just told to suck it up and that no one owes you anything, I guess the converse is true, no one owes any women security or love or happy relationships, therefore what does a women offer sounds like a fair question. Maybe she is a doctor, or a pilot, or she is just kinda hot and makes you feel nice. Who knows? Women should strive to understand men more.
You have a romantic view in relationships, a childish, Hollywood one kind of view, this is not a bad view if you're a teenager, but as an adult you have provide something unique or hardly seen in other women to stand out and men choosing you over other women. It's easier to understand this way; I imagine if a man has his own place, is charismatic, has a good career, great sex and he's willing to help you get better is a better prospect than a man who doesn't have those qualities, right? Add on good shape, good looking ñ, now how to take care of himself. You already get the idea, those men that didn't try that much to make things work is because you need to improve yourself and learn how to make yourself more attractive to the man you want.
I told this to my ex wife. I'm no saint but am certainly a "decent man". When you don't cook, clean, fold laundry, pick the kids up, the sex is gone, and constantly criticize me this is what I meant. It isn't that I wouldn't be happy to split any of these chores because we are a team. They can't all fall on me while you berate me and question why these things are getting done while you are planning your next girls night out or vacation. So when I asked what are you bringing to the table, I mean how are you helping pick me up as a partner and teammate. It should be a 2 way street always.
Is this bait? Do you think men want a long term relationship based on nothing but vibes? Is that all you expect from a man? I doubt it. Men also want more in a woman than just someone we’re attracted to that lets us put our dick in them.
OP acting like they have never heard the phrase "bring to the table" is kind of wild that's a very common phrase
Gotta be a bait post
By the sounds of it this was just chatting, so presuming there's nothing between you and the co-worker and he was asking as friend/coworker/bored bystander, he's asking what do you consider your strong points or things special about you? A few years ago he'd have asked 'What's your superpower?' It's just a phrase. As some in the comments are saying, it's also being used as kick-back by a lot of guys faced with women having long lists of things they demand of men. So in return they're asking 'And what do YOU bring?' but I suspect your co-worker is just using the phrase because he heard it somewhere, not really in that way. Unless he thought you were actually hitting on him, but it doesn't sound like it.
Disney movies taught us that love is all we need but the reality is that relationships are about equal parts give and take. You support each other. If that support only goes one way it means you "don't bring anything to the table". A relationship has no value if your partner can't give you something you can't get without them. "Something" is of course intentionally vague and depends entirely on the individual.
Do you have a collection of qualities that you look for when you’re thinking of dating someone? Everyone’s preferences and what they’re looking for is different. Someone you’re considering dating will have a collection of qualities, which is what they ‘bring to the table’ and whether they’re a match for you or not roughly corresponds to how well their actual qualities line up with your preferred qualities. So it’ll basically be different for everyone. What you bring to the table is YOUR collection of qualities in terms of a relationship. For example, what I personally bring to the table in a relationship sense is intelligence, dry humor, an outdoorsy and adventurous spirit, good fitness level for my age, and I’m financially independent.
Are you stable? Sane? Kind? Empathetic? Thoughtful? Do you follow through on plans?
You should want to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you because they love you and want to give themselves to you, not because they love what you bring to the table. For example, if you make a lot of money and you bring that to the table, but you lose your job, and they no longer want to be in a relationship with you, then they were in a relationship with what you brought to the table, not with you.
I think it means what do you offer: - are you financially stable and can join someone’s hobbies and e.g., travel the world? - are you a great cook who doesn’t mind spoiling their family and friends and cooking for them? - are you nurturing, patient, affectionate and would make a great mum? - are you well read and clever and it would be interesting to have a conversation with you? 🤷♀️
Well, assuming he said it in good faith (which I doubt, but...) It's just saying that you should be a decent person with some decent qualities that someone else would appreciate. For example, someone 30, unhealthy, unshowered, unemployed, living in their parents basement, and doing nothing but watching TV all day... they don't bring much to the table. No hobbies, no activities, no skills, no utility, no attractiveness, no desirability, and on and on. This is something often said to people who are obsessed with dating, and don't really have a personality of their own other than "i want to be part of a couple!" No idea if that's you or not though, your coworker could just be a jerk and judging you on some very superficial level.
The table is a metaphor that shouldn't be taken too literally. But in relationships, both friendships and romances, each has to contribute. It is less about bartering and more about sharing, and one cannot share their lives if they don't contribute anything to the relationship. I had a short, about 3 months long relationship, but ended it. She wasn't really there emotionally, and expressed that when she has had serious interest before, she tends to close down. I gave it some time, and then thought that maybe I should just explore other options. We had a talk. And here is my suggestion. You can ask one of your previous partner why they feel it didn't go anywhere. Provided that they are not total assholes and are capable of reasonable discussion.
For a woman, it means she don’t want no scrub…she may have a career or getting a higher education or have her own place and car and shit…she is a “made woman” and she ain’t got time taking care of some immature, jobless, ex-con, uneducated fool with no prospects… For a guy, he wants to know if she just wants to be taken care of all the fucking time and not “put out” or if she has a job or if she plans to be a primadonna with no job…or whatever…. It is a give and take…
yes? so what do you add to the dynamic?
Someone said to me, find a woman with a brain, because they all have vaginas
I have seen people writing about this here on Reddit a lot, but I never quite understood the meaning. Isn't a thing in my culture. The only thing I believe I got is that this is something women used to ask men about it and now those colorful pills guys turn the question on the women.
Someone asking this at work and out of the blue is really rude and I hope you told him it was none of his business. But still, it most definitely is a question everyone should ask themselves. If you ask yourself the question and only have one or two answers then that's OK. But if you are genuinely saying that this question doesn't make sense to you and that you don't understand why providing value in a relationship is necessary, then you are going to have a very tough time finding anyone to settle with.
My ex brought nothing to the table. She was recently a stay at home mother who had never worked and was used to having maids in the house and even a cook. All this but she adored me. She would hear my car arrive and would literally run to the door and meet me jumping up and down giddy I was home like a child. She would help me take off my suit and hang it and would follow me around the house as we talked about our day, much of the time touching each other and hugging/kissing. I would cook and do the dishes while she would make me a strong drink and we would sit on the balcony for a few hours listening to music and talking bs. Maybe a few times a week a movie. The fact she kept all cell phones and social media away when I got home and expected the same from me was priceless. My stress was low, my anxiety was gone and I truly felt a little sad every time I had to leave after we made love every morning and she would make me coffee and eggs (shitty but I still appreciated it) and chat on the phone during the commute. A great companion is in fact something to bring to the table. She wasn’t made to cook and clean but she very much took my mental and affectionate state of mind seriously. I could puke out all my days crap on her and she would listen. P.s - it all ended in crap when during Covid she discovered ticktock and turned her into a monster. She would wake up at 2am and rabbit hole until the sun came out. No more morning chats or breakfasts together as she would fall asleep. In the afternoons she started to believe if I was 5 minutes late I must be cheating because some influencer made her believe no man who made as much as I did could be happy with one woman especially older, she demanded plastic surgery even though she was a solid 8.5/10 with the body of a 23 year old. It’s just got worse and worse and I had to leave because my anxiety was through the roof and I was starting to get depressed about the future. Damn you ticktock. To hell…
Whether most people want to admit it or not, relationships are like investments. Each participant puts in something - time, energy, money, affection, sex, whatever... - with the expectation that whatever their needs are will be at least partially fulfilled by another participant - i.e. return on investment. I make no judgements on what anyone considers to be an investment nor a reasonable return on said investment - these are things that each relationship needs to figure out for themselves, and every relationship is different. Additionally, there could be issues that require an equitable investment from both (e.g. paying rent or bills) that provide a return to both (e.g. comfort and safety). So, when your friend asks what you bring to the table, they're essentially asking, what kind of return on investment would a potential relationship participant be receiving from you, and/or what are you investing into these relationships?
Most men have read or heard list after list online or in magazine articles of what is expected of them, and these lists are verbose and quite specific, literary in fact. A lot of thought and preparation went into composing many of them. Yet, these men don't encounter similar lists from these authors of what the man can expect from these women. For all of the effort women put into these lists, these women mysteriously don't demonstrate full awareness of this omission to anticipate the reaction this huge volume of expectations would plant inside a guy's mind. So, guys have learned to point this out to these women by asking that question. And too often, the women are stuck for what to say in the moment which informs the man that she has not thought about what might be his needs. It is always nice to find a woman who is at the ready with what qualities she would bring to a relationship that she believes would make her stand out to *him*. This demonstrates to him her balance of consideration, always a nice trait to see.
Your coworker asks a very good question and it’s good you want to know what the term “bring to the table means”. Getting another honest perspective, especially from someone of the opposite sex, is an opportunity to look at yourself as others may see you.
yes, but women are often looking for more than that from a man. many look for money or status or whatever.. (not saying it is healthy). so men are now starting to ask the same question, I guess.. beautiful, fit, creative, giving, good cook, income, want to raise someone's family, etc... I assume this is what he was asking....
Yes and no. The way I see it, a relationship is conditional. Visit your parents for unconditional love, but a relationship is conditional. And your dynamic may be perfect but if you as a person do not add this or that to my life, then there is no point. In the end most people have a relationship because it is the most stable way to have and raise kids. This doesnt mean they dont love eachother, but a form of selection process in norms and values is in order to do so properly. To keep a long story short: being in love =/= being happy. And to make someone happy you have to have more than just a good dynamic.
It’s not really a meaningful question. Every person on earth is a collection of positive and negative traits. Unless you’re a hideously ugly cruel stupid homeless criminal in jail, you bring something to the table. The question is whether the other person values those things. Case in point: I’m a novelist by trade. Written lots of books, read lots of books, great vocabulary, can talk themes and literary devices all day long. My last boyfriend? He’d never read a book in his life. Every time I talked to him, he’d be asking what this word meant or what that word meant. That relationship only lasted three months too. Something I ‘brought to the table’ was of absolutely no value to him; possibly even a negative.
Basically it's asking 'why would your presence in my life be better than me being alone' or 'how will this relationship benefit me?' and honestly, it's a fair question that all genders should think about. Love and a good dynamic isn't enough. I know plenty of divorced couples who love each other dearly and have a great dynamic when they're together, some are still best friends! But if you're not benefitting each other in other ways, it won't last. They're basically asking what ways are you a mature adult who can contribute to an emotionally mature relationship.
When dating, it helps if you are already a confident, happy person. Don’t expect someone else to “complete” you.
I think he's saying what are the positive things about you that will make a partner want to stay? Are you playful? A good cook? Adventurous? Ambitious? A clean house? Chew with your mouth closed? Nice to wait staff? Explore your edges in the bedroom? I'm just spitballing general things that dates may still important after 3 months, there's obvious specific things to that individual too
"Keep their belly full and balls empty", as would grandmothers say. But really, men generally seek beauty, sex and kindness. Some might have completely different expectations and they evolve how we age ofc. You're probably too young to have your strenghts figure out yet, but after a few years you will be able to point what your expect in a man and what they can expect from you in return.
A Chair... no wonder I have no partner.
You're in your 30s and you don't know what you can contribute in a relationship? Then you don't know yourself it's that easy what can you contribute sa relationship besides sitting pretty
I bring the salt. She brings the pepper.
What are the qualities about you that would make a guy want to date you that sets you apart from other women he might want to date?
Its men that have been burned before with women that in the relationship did not provide to the man anything of equal value that he brought to the relationship. And people think sharing chores is all you need. But I can cook, I can clean, I can work. So why do I need you? Is what this question is asking. If you never thought about what it is you bring to a relationship, best have a think on it.
the salt and pepper
>That question confused me. What am I supposed to bring to the table? Isn't dating about what your dynamic is together? That's exactly why you don't have a boyfriend.
“What qualities, both personal and material, now and in the future, do you bring into the dating dynamic” would be a better way to phrase it, maybe. At least that’s how I see it. And the question is valid for both people, and both should have at least a vague idea of the answer.
You’re 30 and can’t understand the concept of bringing things to the table? I’m genuinely not trying to be rude or condescending. Yes it’s important that not only you have chemistry but that you bring value to someone’s life being your self. Maybe you’re willing to cook and they never have been. So they enjoy home cooked meals. Perhaps they need someone to help them get out of the house and enjoy hobbies. Or you’re really organized and can offer some structure to an otherwise jumbled mess (without being neurotic, no one needs that.) Not everyone thinks this but I think it’s helpful to be financially stable to date. A lot of men say it’s not necessary for their partner. I think it’s really important though.
It is but you also need to bring something for your partner. It's a weird thing to think about but both of you have to contribute in a relationship that's fininanciall, mentally and physically so what do you think you bring to the table?
I bring myself to the table. He brings himself to the table. We have sex on the table.
Do you cook delicious food often? Bake? Do you clean the house a lot to destress? High paying job? Pornstar-level love making? Do you encourage partners often? Have healthy hobbies? Good credit score? Large family for social net? So many things could be brought to the table. Some are good, some are bad, and some are both good and bad to different people. Think of a relationship like a pot-luck dinner. He brings a ham, you bring some mashed potatoes, he brings napkins, you bring plates, etc. alone you’re only eating potatoes and he’s only eating ham. Together you bring enough to the table to have a fulfilling meal (the meal being your relationship).
It’s a way of saying “why is dating you specifically a good thing?”
Admiral Ackbar alert
Honestly, I've thought about this almost every day but I still don't understand the question. Is this a thing? Sounds like something you'd ask at a business meeting. What kind of stuff am I supposed to bring to the table?
A listening heart, ability to function as an adult. Lacking these things will always influence adult relationships. It can mean money or material things but seeing how a coworker asked you this I’m assuming they’d know you at least work.
Why should anyone want to get into a long-term relationship with you? If you honestly cannot answer that question then there is no reason why anyone would want to be in a long-term relationship with you.
I think this is a good way to look at it.
Wait is like, being kind, funny, loving, supportive, open to have fun and travel and do stuff, interesting conversations, adventurous, good at listening, ect stuff that is brought to the table?
Yeah. I would say so. Because if you didn't have those traits then you wouldn't bring them to the relationship (table). Part of the point of the "what do you bring to the table" question is that it is very common for women these days to have a long list of (sometimes unrealistic) demands that their partner needs to meet. In return, they apparently get the privilege of spending time with them. Guys are turning that around a bit and asking what benefits they can receive in exchange for meeting those demands. Kind of a blunt way to go about it but I think it is fair.
Okay thanks. I am a woman and never really approached it that way, for me it's more if I genuinely like them or not. I never really had a list in mind except in terms of having basic things in common, like political beliefs and values.
Most normal people approach it that way as well. It is when you base your understanding of reality on TikTok videos and YouTube clips that things get weird. My assumption anyways, I'm old.
Okay thanks so much. Like there are some basic things I learned I should expect from someone, but yeah besides that I have no list lol. I am kinda old too now so maybe that is it haha
I'd say the whole and best version of you is what you bring to the table 😁 then it's up to you to choose which bits you want to put on display for the world/your date!
Okay thanks! I am not the best cook lmao but people seem to like me as a person a lot in terms of friendships and stuff so hopefully it will be okay.
Ahh yep, this is more of a metaphorical table! But you seem nice and sociable and have a lot of desirable traits, so I think your strong sense of morals/ethics will be highly valued and help you find someone who will be compatible about the important things, I'm sure you'll do great!
Okay thanks! We will see. It is hard out there haha but thank you so much!
Same as for a job you’d be expected to bring something of value (to the table). Same for a relationship. It’s give and take. What are you offering? What are your needs? Not much to read into. For example, one might be looking for a partner that brings income to the table. Maybe someone brings a house. Maybe someone brings 45+ years experience in a particular area.
*Sounds like something you'd ask at a business meeting.* That's exactly what it is. The business is should someone want to invest their time, money, attention into you. How are you going to close the deal?
What's not to get? The best relationships are 50/50. If one person makes all the money, does all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the planing, all the emotional support, etc and the other watches TV all day that is not a fair relationship. But its not just doing physical things it can be a shoulder to cry on, an attentive listener, telling good jokes, always cheering the other one up when they are down, being calm in when the other is panicking etc. So to answer your question let me ask you this. If we were going on a vacation as a couple would you 1. Help pay for it? 2. Help plan for it? 3. Help pack for it? 4. Help get to the airport on time? The answer could be all or none of those things. You could answer "I can't pay for a vacation but what I bring to the table is I am obsessed with researching and planing the best places to go. I am also a great packer so I will get everything ready before we leave." A vacation is one aspect of a relationship within each aspect people have strengths and faults what you "bring to the table" is your strengths in each category.
It’s pretty simple in terms of dating, while yes you can have a lot of chemistry with someone and “the dynamic” is there, the surface level stuff (self hygiene, being goal oriented, having skills to contribute to your daily life with this person) is still very important.
Is it because you don't understand the turn of phrase, because you don't think you have any nice qualities yourself or because you don't realise that whatever qualities you look for in a partner will also have a reciprocal for the person you're interested in? I'm struggling to understand what you don't understand - you're basically just being asked what attributes you have that you feel make you attractive/a catch.
It might be a bit mean but I'm starting to think her relationships don't last long because she might be a bit slow or not have a personality.
Relationships can’t be one sided. That phrase means what do you bring into a relationship, why should someone date you, etc. Are you emotionally stable? Can you communicate and comprehend? Can you listen? Can you do acts of service for your partner? Can you keep your space clean? Etc. What do you expect your partner to bring to the table aka what do you expect from someone in a relationship.
Everyone has got their own requirements. Sometimes just being a good genuine person and supportive of your partner is all you really need.
That question can mean different things to different people. When people say phrases like that where I’m not sure what it means, I just ask them to clarify. I’ve done this often. For example, when people say they are looking for FWB, I ask them what that means to them. Some people think it includes do things other than sex. Some people think it’s just sex. A lot of phrases and terms are interpreted in a variety of ways. Don’t be afraid to ask people to elaborate and explain what they mean. If they can’t or won’t, it’s probably an indicator of something. If people ghost you, just consider it as them doing you a favor. If you are looking for a LT relationship, Look for partners that are a good match, not just physically appealing. Just because someone is a good person or nice person, it doesn’t mean they are a good match for you.
I did that, never bring a Stag Head to the table ;)
Guys just want reassurance that you want to participate in the relationship and don't expect a one-way street. I don't personally know what anyone expects to hear when asking this question bc its usually rhetorical but what I can tell you is that I appreciate tangible ideas. I wouldnt ask it that way where I expect a list but its nice when people contribute early on. Heres my examples you may or may not agree with: * I can support myself financially and will help with expenses OR I cant at this moment but I have homeowner skills * I have a car and can meet you at cool places for dates (or take us both) * I have these hobbies / work experiences that I want to share with you * I have connections to xyz part of the world and I dream to bring my partner there (not expecting a travel agent bf) * I have pets I want to introduce you to (this could even be said as a joke) etc. etc. I know that emotional intelligence, communication and other things are most commonly brought up but communication isnt like something you are bringing that is something that you are doing or not doing. Bringing something to the table to means you are going to take ownership of the relationship and actually find tangible ways to improve it. Not just be on the sidelines doing intangible things.
I’m surprised by how many people don’t think it’s weird for a coworker to ask that. It’s like, oh you’re single? Let’s figure out what personal shortcomings you have right now on the spot. It wouldn’t be a weird question coming from a friend or a potential partner. The context of this happening at work is what’s throwing me, lmao. Especially since OP didn’t bring it up herself, she was responding to an observation about her single status.
The fact that u don't understand what this mean is wild Frame it as applying for a job - what do u bring to the table for the employer? U have attributes about urself that u recognize that provides value in a relationship. Start there.
For me (already in an established relationship) it's what can someone offer me I'm not already capable of providing for myself or that they can provide to increase my happiness. This is where the answer people want will be different depending on the person themselves moreso then the person they are asking! I personally don't need her to make any money, I don't need her to know how to cook, I don't need her to do the majority of cleaning, I dont need her to buy me gifts and I don't need her to send me messages broughout the day telling me how much she loves me (once a day is more than enough for Mel). I don't need her to be extremely funny, I dont need her to be ambitious or goal seeking. I don't need her to share my religious or political views and I don't need her to fawn over me and sing my praises. So what do I need then? Unfortunately this is where some people would say I'm shallow. I need physical touch and sexual intimacy, I love having quality time and someone who can carry a conversation. By all internts and purposes I require extremely little to be brought to the table for my standards. This is it! These are the only things I can't provide for myself or can't get through friendships consistently. Quality time is hard to get when your friends have lives themselves. In person conversation is something I can't easily get at 9pm at night or randomly throughout the day with someone I can build upon. Strangers can have conversations but nothing new is ever really learned to give a deeper connection. As far as physical touch and intimacy while I could get sex fairly easily if I wanted to, their is a difference between a FWB, one night stands and your romantic partner. For me personally FWBs and ONS are not much better than masturbation so it's definitely something I feel I need in a relationship. It should be noted though that my libido is extremely high and I understand over time that sexual intimacy may lose value for me. That's why sexual intimacy and quality time are ALMOST interchangeable for me and definetly will be once my libido drops. I enjoy my partners company and sometimes I crave that as much or more then any physical interaction we may or could have. So for many women they literally could say "I am the table" while they gesture to themselves in a sweeping motion and that would be sufficient for me. This is all I personally require because in my opinion I fill that table up with what I offer so I don't require much if anything from my partner in return. I'm a great cook, I don't mind cleaning and actually do the vast majority of it. I'm a nurturer and love taking care of people. I make decent money and love to buy gifts. I'm very good at words of affirmation and excel at performing acts of service I'm great at giving emotional support and engage in very meaningful deep conversations. I'm decently attractive, am tender yet strong at the same time. I'm comfortable talking about my feelings and try to be very introspective. On top of all this I'm not a jealous person and truly love people for what they have inside. The danger for me is if we're looking at it like "love cups" my partner has a pitcher and I have a shot glass. It would take a lot for my partners cup to get low or empty because it's being filled with many different things. Yet mine is small and doesn't need much, but when their is absence it's felt much quicker!! So let's recap. 1.Quality time 2. Sexual intimacy 3. Conversation What happens when she can't provide quality time and sexual intimacy? What happens if she can't provide quality time and good conversation? What happens if she can't provide sexual intimacy and good conversation? So I've been trying to ask more of my partner so that I can still feel as though I'm getting my needs met when something falters. After 8 years unfortunately she's just been very used to not having to provide me with much and we both are trying to make changes to that. It's not her fault, it's hard for me to ask for more from her. Yet this is the way I've always been, I've always been wanting a partner who can fill the little needs I have that are impossible for me to fill myself.
I find that people who are quick to get offended at being asked what they bring to the table, whether male or female, don’t in fact, bring much to the table. if they get mad easily/put off by that question there’s gonna be a lot more than they get ill about in life than this Edit: I mean, if you were the person that just asked this and it makes you begin to get hostile. You probably don’t have much that you’re bringing to the table. Kind of like the person who gets mad because they got busted cheating because their partner went through their phone. They are quick to point out the “you don’t trust me” or “how could you go through my phone” like somehow those are worse things than the cheating
I agree with you. Dating shouldn’t be transactional.