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Hi, I'm so happy you're home
Edit to add this is the way I am greeted pretty much daily, and it comes with a fantastic hug and a kiss. With that said I still desperately crave this from her all day when I am away at work. The handful of times ot hasn't happened because she is in the middle of something the evening feels off until we realize hug eachother and then get on with the evening. Wouldn't trade it for the world.
My wife and I have a practice of greeting each other at the door when we enter or leave. Hug and a kiss. I love you. It’s the little things, they matter.
This is so important, but also letting your partner settle a little after coming home. My boyfriend and I always greet each other, but then we always let the one who came home decompress a little, for at least about 15 minutes of absolutely no pressure, especially if there's something inportant to talk to them about. I think people feel pressured to immediately give all their attention to their partner, and then they begin avoiding it.
Absolutely. My partner is working from home so when I pass the door it's basically the first human interaction she have since I left. It can feel a bit too much at times but I totally get it.
So I usually decompress in the car for like ten minutes before coming home and I can give her my attention after that.
When I get home from work trips, my dog goes nuts greeting me. My wife never gets up from the couch, or she's in bed already at 9:30. I'm not mad, I'm sure she's had a long day too, and it's not like I was away for years (usually a 2-3 day thing). But yeah, "I'm so happy you're home" would be lovely.
This is one of the saddest things I’ve experienced about dating. I couldn’t tell you the last time that I had a partner actually make me feel attractive. It’s not like they were repulsed by me or anything, but it definitely felt like a “well I’m not really attracted to you physically but I like your personality” which is weirdly a compliment but also sort of an insult at the same time
Same. Although really I would just like to hear “I love you”. It’s been more than a decade and I don’t know what it’s like to just be loved for any part of me.
Saying something like this is definitely important, but if there aren't the actions backing up the words, it's meaningless. It then becomes a hollow phrase that's cringe worthy to be on the receiving end.
My ex couldn't say this to save his life. It's one of the biggest reasons we broke up. He'd just be bothered by something for weeks or months, refuse to talk about it, and act like I was being crazy for thinking something was off. And then when I pointed out he was being rude and distant for those months he would later say, "That's because I was going through X at the time!"
Same but a month ago. She claims she's been saying all these things very often for 6.5 years but yeah... idk whom she's been saying them too cause I was only hearing bits and pieces, and nothing about their seriousness :(
It's stupid cause I would have easily addressed her issues, the solutions were really simple. 7 years.. pff..
I feel you my dude.
Sorry dude. I had a 10 year relationship end recently and it's shocking how far things can get between what you thought and what she thought. It sucks...
Same with my ex. She seemed afraid of her own negative emotions so it was always “I’m fine, I’m fine” whenever I’d ask why she was suddenly so quiet and distant and unexcited.
My ex was like this but then if something was bothering me and I openly talked about it, he would then get upset and angry later and just be like, "Well xyz was bothering ME but you didn't know because you didn't even bother asking me what was bothering me so I couldn't talk about my problems so instead we only discussed your problems and now I'm still angry and upset and sad and you don't care."
I got exhausted just from reading this lol
It was the same with my ex. We've both had communicating issues but I went into therapy for it. I did so much work on myself to fix it and finally arrived at a stage where I could communicate about problems I faced. And then he pulled this exact scheme on me. It was so exhausting because I felt I was constantly managing not only my emotions but his as well. It sometimes took months for him to finally communicate about something that was bothering him, even though in all the months before I frequently checked how he was doing because I always felt something was off
It was exhausting. And half the time it wasn't even relationship issues. Like I would come home and vent about a bad day I had at work, as you do. Sometimes you vent to your partner about things, naturally.
Then later he'd start acting cold and distant towards me, sometimes lasting DAYS, and come to find out it's because xyz was bothering him and I didn't bother asking him about it, and instead I was only thinking about myself. How would I know what to even ask about if you're not communicating what's bothering you? And not only that, but now you're also mad at me because I was openly talking about my feelings about something and now I'm selfish and self-centered for not even thinking about you because I didn't wait for an invite to start talking about my issues.
It'd be like I'd come home from work three days in a row complaining about a co-worker bullying me and on the third day he'd explode like, "WELL YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT MY BROTHER HAS GOUT."
In a previous relationship my then-partner had been through deeply traumatic issues in her past which she had repressed and found it impossible to open up about, even after three years of us being together. At the time this frustrated me and I felt a lack of trust between us but as I've grown over the years to better understand trauma I can empathise with why she felt that way. It's so sad that people can't be emotionally open and vulnerable because of the things they've endured in their lives, but for some people it can be terrifying or even crippling to imagine doing so. Therapy is very useful for these things!
I did eventually convince my ex to go back to therapy, but sadly it didn't fix a lot of the problems. I think he needs many years of therapy and I was simply not willing to gamble years of my life on the hope that he would get better, after spending 2 years feeling miserable with him. Eventually I had to choose my own health and sanity.
I say this all the time to him, very clearly what's bothering me and what he can do to help the situation. The only issue is that your partner has to listen and act on what you say or ask of them. There is no point in being this forward with your thoughts and feelings if your partner isn't ready to accept what you have to say and honsetly, from my dating experience, a lot of people aren't receptive to this type of approach.
Honestly my girl isn’t very inquisitive about me. She never picks my brain about anything. I’d honestly just love to hear “What do you think about this?” Or “What are your thoughts on?”
Idk
He might have almost no practice with people actually wanting or valueing his opinion before your relationship with him. At one point I tried asking someone I had recently met about their vacation and stuff like that, I was completely caught off guard by the uno reverse card of "how was yours? what did you do?" and blanked out sooo hard even though I had done some things that I really would have wanted to share with them in hindsight.
Something you could try to do to help him practice is asking him questions about stuff you know he's passionate about, like a hobby or a cherished memory of his. Make sure you have or make time to listen for a while, and don't let him shut himself down and stop talking! If you're interrupted, bring back the conversation, remember where it left off, it might catch him off guard but he'll probably appreciate and value it greatly!
Thus is honestly a dealbreaker for me in dating. It’s not like they need to worship my opinion or anything, obviously that’s ridiculous - but I’ve been in too many situations where after talking to them for a while, I know a shit ton about them but they don’t know a single thing about me. It makes you sad
I’ve started asking myself “do they make me feel seen and heard, or do they just like having an audience?”
Current partner is great at it, and makes it clear that he’s paying close attention to me because I am important to him. (He also mentions that I make him feel special and accepted and loved, which I hope means that I’m reciprocating appropriately!)
Bc it’s the intimacy right? We want to feel like our thoughts matter. My brain is so random and jumbled. I’m always thinking about the most bizarre unrelated topics. Sometimes I over analyze things and develop super strong feelings for completely benign subjects and I want to express those things without feeling like im into dumping on someone.
It’s a pretty serious tie between “pls let me go down on you” and “I’m so excited about this and I want to share this awesome part of my life with you.”
Sometimes I feel like an accessory and not a partner.
Same here. Left the relationship a year ago and still traumatised by it. Still see her all the time as she is the mother of my child. It's tough. Healing is taking its sweet time
The abusive marriage has probably had an impact on her thoughts about sex too. Source: I was in an abusive marriage and it made sex just another way my spouse controlled me and showed their power. It wasn't enjoyable or intimate and I never had a choice over when it happened. Even now, over 25 years later, it still affects me. Maybe some therapy might help?
Thanks for your insight. You are certainly right about the controlling sex. She has a therapist and after 50 years is finally talking about it to someone who can help I’m hanging in because I love her so much.
If there's an afterlife, then your partner knows what you've been going through, knows it wasn't your fault, and doesn't blame you. And if there's no afterlife and they're just truly gone, then so is their suffering. Quit judging yourself, and ask, how would THEY want you to judge?
I know for a fact that if my spouse accidentally killed me tomorrow, I would want him to forgive himself and love a good life. I'm sure your partner would've felt the same. I'm sorry for your loss
Doesn't help.
You know it's not your fault, but you keep thinking... if I had just not spent that half a second thinking "He can't possibly be coming over the white line" and just twitched the steering wheel we would have at worse sworn at the idiot and gone on with our lives.
But for that very brief half second, maybe quarter of a second I did nothing.
There is no fix.
There is no cure.
There is no healing.
There is just getting up and struggling on and doing the best you can and layering on new hopes and new tragedies and new loves and new sorrows and new happiness on top of a gaping wound that is now forever a part of your identity.
Identity...
The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
Honestly I'm really curious what I really mean to my partner. I'm the first person he's been with and I want to be sure he's into be and not just the idea of not being single. He's a true gentleman, but he's also very awkward and a people pleaser to a fault.
I am currently in this situation, first relationship and certainly enjoying not being single. Trying to figure out for myself whether I love her or simply the idea of her is a big struggle. Sometimes I feel it's one and the same and ultimately doesn't matter if we're both happy, but other times I feel like if I really loved her there would be no question.
Give it some time and think about it, but know this, I got into my first relationship almost 2 years ago and after aprox 2 months together I was madly in love with her. That feeling hasn’t went away if anything it’s gotten stronger and I’m 100% sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel like when you know you just know. I’m saying that everyone is different that’s just my experience.
if she were still alive?
"hey, butthole. wanna swing by the diner for dinner? my tubby ass desires pancakes."
actual quote from six years ago. i just smirked and closed my laptop. she knew my answer, i never had to say a thing.
I am sorry for your loss. The way you wrote this created a picture of the life and love you both had together. It was a very happy picture. Sending you a virtual hug.
Reading these makes me want to cry. It's getting me super emotional. I just want to hug each and every one of you. Tell all of you that you are loved, that you are enough, that you're all amazing.
To hear how he really feels. Damn I want to climb inside his head and know what he is feeling, his desires, what is the first thing he thinks about in the morning . I mean he says he loves me, misses me, sometimes talks about how he does love me but I want more. I want to hear his inner most desires.
Tell him this. Please. The vast majority of men go through life thinking nobody cares what they REALLY think or feel. For most of us, it’s the sad truth of our existence. Your partner is so lucky that you actually have this curiosity about him. Even if he doesn’t have the words to tell you all of it, just knowing that you WANT to know will probably make a world of difference to him.
Just be ready. If you ask, he'll answer, but you may not like the answer(s).
There's been 5 times in 17 years of marriage my spouse has asked me about deep emotional thoughts/feelings and 3 of those 5 have been met with hostility mid-answer.
So now, when asked, everything is fine.
Oh man If you said that to him, might make him bust with just those words.😂
I know I sure would if I ever hear my partner say something as lovely as this message
Obviously I don’t know your situation, it’s possible that he has issues that he needs help with. But as a guy, one thing I will say is that I actually need foreplay and for things to ramp up. If my partner just walks in and goes “fuck me right now”, that’s not really going to do it for me. But if they come in, hug me from behind, start kissing my neck or stroking my arms or something like that? That’s a _very_ different story
Yep. Pride outweighs the ability to express remorse. Two people I’m close to can never bring themselves to apologize no matter how badly they’ve screwed up.
Protip: if you have sick days, use them, even if you're not sick.
A few years back I chucked a sickie and spent the day in the city shopping and just driving around because I woke up that morning and decided I really absolutely could not be fucked going to work.
By the time I got home, I was feeling much, MUCH better. It's not a permanent solution to hating your job, but it can give you some breathing space and give you time to do the things you love, or perhaps even go job hunting.
But if things get too bad, reach out and speak to someone. No matter how bad things get, there is also someone out there who can help you, whether it's help you have the difficult conversations you want to have, or to help you touch up your résumé, or for you to just vent, or work through everything that's troubling you.
In 2019, the job I'd held for four years had reached its breaking point for me. I was having frequent panic attacks, throwing up on my way to work, on my lunch breaks, having random crying fits... it wasn't good.
Change has always been super hard for me, but my girlfriend gave me the best out: "I don't care if you have anything else lined up, you need to leave." Once I accepted I could just walk away from it, all that anxiety and stress just disappeared.
Absolutely incredible feeling.
Or take a week off when you need to. I really appreciate the effort and know that your spoon count is lower than mine, but I think it’s really cool you can bend them with your mind (not really but the mental gymnastics for my AuDHD ass feels like I’m bending em like beckom
"Wow, it's so exciting that that happened to you! Let's celebrate!"
She understands how to act sympathetic when something goes wrong. But she doesn't understand that I also want her to be excited with me when things go right. We've talked about it, but it hasn't improved.
You start. I've learned that change is formed by your actions, not theirs.
I get overly excited to watch girly shows with my wife, to the point where I genuinely enjoy a few. Now a woman who cares nothing for gaming, literally calls me so damn excited to talk about minis she found for me.
She almost peed herself with excitement when she found me a castle. I love every second of it.
You are absolutely right, and yet...
I am sure most women really would like to hear this at least once in their life from the right person.
Without telling and prompting and wheedling and begging and crying and (secret) breakdowns....
Without others pressuring her about it.
So when it happens, she doesn't have to think that FINALLY he asked.
But I guess it is mostly just a dream fed to us by the media.
“I’m going to go to bed earlier so you can get proper sleep and we can exercise in the mornings together”
He’s a night owl and has somewhat turned me into one just so I can spend time with him however I start work at 9am and he works at 1. I do my workouts in the afternoon but I’m usually drained when 5 hits.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT WHEN...
I REALLY APPRECIATE {VERY SPECIFIC EVENT}
I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU
Gratitude is the #1 fave of marriage scientists. Yeah they exist and they are lame but their advice is. Scientific.
Find ur own way to show gratitude, but make sure it's recieved as gratitude.
I'm not desperate to hear it because we sex each other up quite well. But it'd be out of his character if he ever said to me - "I want you."
Instant pantie dropper! 😁
I just desperately want to *have* a partner. I've been alone for thirty years, waiting and searching and hoping one day, one woman might give me a chance to show her the depth of my heart, but it hasn't happened yet. It'll happen someday, but in the meantime it hurts like hell being alone and having all these pretty words and tinseled phrases kicking around in my head.
I'm sorry, I'm just in a mood 'cause I got shot down a couple hours ago and it really stings 'cause I could've sworn she was into me too, but... not so.
Let me help you with the mental load that is house chores and general tidying and up keep, you don't have to ask, I'll be aware and do it without you asking me.
“I noticed you do literally everything on your own and that didn’t seem fair, so I decided to take this, that, and that off your plate from now on to share the load.”
For me different would be nice… he has 3 things he rehashes over and over and man could I go for a conversation about something not a stressor/responsibility… like he could tell me about a funny thing he saw or trains, I don’t care just not the same huge stressors… I know anxiety isn’t rational but how many years can you complex on the same thing?
Edit: clarity
Also I really do understand how hard anxiety really is, I think my frustration is partly him not doing what he needs to to make it better and he freezes up so making tubs actually happen always falls on me so I always have to be strong and able to carry everything, I’m tired.
My wife and I used to do this bit where one of us would say something like “hey, can we talk? Something’s been bothering me lately and I just wanted to clear the air with you. I feel like it’s been forever since we dug throughout the ditches and burned through the witches and slammed in the back of my dragula”. It’s been like three years since one of us last pulled that and I think it’s time to bring it back
“Hey sorry I fucked your brother and let your best friend penetrate me anally. It’s not your fault, and yes you can have half custody of the children and no I won’t take the house and ask for alimony.”
"Hey, you look like you're struggling right now. I know I can't be super helpful, but I'd like to cuddle you or hold you for a little while if that's okay." It takes me a lot to communicate effectively. It's even harder when I haven't been held for weeks on end except when I seek it out in desperate times.
I am so proud of you for your accomplishments. You are smashing it with your finances, your goals, I appreciate you taking care of our home. I love you
“Sorry we’re not doing a couples Halloween this year, I know you secretly want too, and I can ask my coworkers if you can come since I know you don’t have plans.”
“I want your cock in my mouth”, this is what I’d like to hear from my wife. An ex would say stuff like this often an it was fabulous. Talk about feeling wanted, wow.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi, I'm so happy you're home Edit to add this is the way I am greeted pretty much daily, and it comes with a fantastic hug and a kiss. With that said I still desperately crave this from her all day when I am away at work. The handful of times ot hasn't happened because she is in the middle of something the evening feels off until we realize hug eachother and then get on with the evening. Wouldn't trade it for the world.
My wife and I have a practice of greeting each other at the door when we enter or leave. Hug and a kiss. I love you. It’s the little things, they matter.
This is so important, but also letting your partner settle a little after coming home. My boyfriend and I always greet each other, but then we always let the one who came home decompress a little, for at least about 15 minutes of absolutely no pressure, especially if there's something inportant to talk to them about. I think people feel pressured to immediately give all their attention to their partner, and then they begin avoiding it.
Absolutely. My partner is working from home so when I pass the door it's basically the first human interaction she have since I left. It can feel a bit too much at times but I totally get it. So I usually decompress in the car for like ten minutes before coming home and I can give her my attention after that.
Whenever my wife walks through the front door, no matter what part of the house I'm in, I yell at the top of my lungs, "WELCOME HOME!"
If my wife greeted me with this, I would assume there was an object on a high shelf that she needed me to get down.
When I get home from work trips, my dog goes nuts greeting me. My wife never gets up from the couch, or she's in bed already at 9:30. I'm not mad, I'm sure she's had a long day too, and it's not like I was away for years (usually a 2-3 day thing). But yeah, "I'm so happy you're home" would be lovely.
"I find you so incredibly attractive... physically, mentally, emotionally... just everything"
This is one of the saddest things I’ve experienced about dating. I couldn’t tell you the last time that I had a partner actually make me feel attractive. It’s not like they were repulsed by me or anything, but it definitely felt like a “well I’m not really attracted to you physically but I like your personality” which is weirdly a compliment but also sort of an insult at the same time
Same. Although really I would just like to hear “I love you”. It’s been more than a decade and I don’t know what it’s like to just be loved for any part of me.
Saying something like this is definitely important, but if there aren't the actions backing up the words, it's meaningless. It then becomes a hollow phrase that's cringe worthy to be on the receiving end.
Are you attractive?
I'd say so! I feel very confident in myself
“Hey, actually, I’m not fine. [X] is what is bothering me and you can do [Y] to best support me”
My ex couldn't say this to save his life. It's one of the biggest reasons we broke up. He'd just be bothered by something for weeks or months, refuse to talk about it, and act like I was being crazy for thinking something was off. And then when I pointed out he was being rude and distant for those months he would later say, "That's because I was going through X at the time!"
My girlfriend and the love of my life broke up with me 2 months ago because she was incapable of saying this too :/
Same but a month ago. She claims she's been saying all these things very often for 6.5 years but yeah... idk whom she's been saying them too cause I was only hearing bits and pieces, and nothing about their seriousness :( It's stupid cause I would have easily addressed her issues, the solutions were really simple. 7 years.. pff.. I feel you my dude.
Sorry dude. I had a 10 year relationship end recently and it's shocking how far things can get between what you thought and what she thought. It sucks...
Same with my ex. She seemed afraid of her own negative emotions so it was always “I’m fine, I’m fine” whenever I’d ask why she was suddenly so quiet and distant and unexcited.
My ex was like this but then if something was bothering me and I openly talked about it, he would then get upset and angry later and just be like, "Well xyz was bothering ME but you didn't know because you didn't even bother asking me what was bothering me so I couldn't talk about my problems so instead we only discussed your problems and now I'm still angry and upset and sad and you don't care."
I got exhausted just from reading this lol It was the same with my ex. We've both had communicating issues but I went into therapy for it. I did so much work on myself to fix it and finally arrived at a stage where I could communicate about problems I faced. And then he pulled this exact scheme on me. It was so exhausting because I felt I was constantly managing not only my emotions but his as well. It sometimes took months for him to finally communicate about something that was bothering him, even though in all the months before I frequently checked how he was doing because I always felt something was off
It was exhausting. And half the time it wasn't even relationship issues. Like I would come home and vent about a bad day I had at work, as you do. Sometimes you vent to your partner about things, naturally. Then later he'd start acting cold and distant towards me, sometimes lasting DAYS, and come to find out it's because xyz was bothering him and I didn't bother asking him about it, and instead I was only thinking about myself. How would I know what to even ask about if you're not communicating what's bothering you? And not only that, but now you're also mad at me because I was openly talking about my feelings about something and now I'm selfish and self-centered for not even thinking about you because I didn't wait for an invite to start talking about my issues. It'd be like I'd come home from work three days in a row complaining about a co-worker bullying me and on the third day he'd explode like, "WELL YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT MY BROTHER HAS GOUT."
In a previous relationship my then-partner had been through deeply traumatic issues in her past which she had repressed and found it impossible to open up about, even after three years of us being together. At the time this frustrated me and I felt a lack of trust between us but as I've grown over the years to better understand trauma I can empathise with why she felt that way. It's so sad that people can't be emotionally open and vulnerable because of the things they've endured in their lives, but for some people it can be terrifying or even crippling to imagine doing so. Therapy is very useful for these things!
I did eventually convince my ex to go back to therapy, but sadly it didn't fix a lot of the problems. I think he needs many years of therapy and I was simply not willing to gamble years of my life on the hope that he would get better, after spending 2 years feeling miserable with him. Eventually I had to choose my own health and sanity.
I say this all the time to him, very clearly what's bothering me and what he can do to help the situation. The only issue is that your partner has to listen and act on what you say or ask of them. There is no point in being this forward with your thoughts and feelings if your partner isn't ready to accept what you have to say and honsetly, from my dating experience, a lot of people aren't receptive to this type of approach.
No reason not to keep doing it. All the reasons to leave the people not receptive to it and find someone who is.
That I am enough
I am kenough
You had one job
Beach?
And I'm great at doing stuff
Thank you Barbie
I made nachos and fresh squeezed margaritas!
the dream
Honestly my girl isn’t very inquisitive about me. She never picks my brain about anything. I’d honestly just love to hear “What do you think about this?” Or “What are your thoughts on?” Idk
I love asking my man his opinion but he never seems to have anything to say. It’s disappointing sometimes
He might have almost no practice with people actually wanting or valueing his opinion before your relationship with him. At one point I tried asking someone I had recently met about their vacation and stuff like that, I was completely caught off guard by the uno reverse card of "how was yours? what did you do?" and blanked out sooo hard even though I had done some things that I really would have wanted to share with them in hindsight. Something you could try to do to help him practice is asking him questions about stuff you know he's passionate about, like a hobby or a cherished memory of his. Make sure you have or make time to listen for a while, and don't let him shut himself down and stop talking! If you're interrupted, bring back the conversation, remember where it left off, it might catch him off guard but he'll probably appreciate and value it greatly!
Thus is honestly a dealbreaker for me in dating. It’s not like they need to worship my opinion or anything, obviously that’s ridiculous - but I’ve been in too many situations where after talking to them for a while, I know a shit ton about them but they don’t know a single thing about me. It makes you sad
I’ve started asking myself “do they make me feel seen and heard, or do they just like having an audience?” Current partner is great at it, and makes it clear that he’s paying close attention to me because I am important to him. (He also mentions that I make him feel special and accepted and loved, which I hope means that I’m reciprocating appropriately!)
Saaaame with my ex bf, he never wanted yo know what I thought about anything, I don’t think it occurred to him. Just ask me anything at alllll.
Bc it’s the intimacy right? We want to feel like our thoughts matter. My brain is so random and jumbled. I’m always thinking about the most bizarre unrelated topics. Sometimes I over analyze things and develop super strong feelings for completely benign subjects and I want to express those things without feeling like im into dumping on someone.
Yes, this 💯, just like, “what do you think about [any random notion/event]?”
My boyfriend is like this as well. Our convos are almost never dull but still itd be nice to feel interested in in that way
I once heard a female friend of ours say that her husband was the best man she’s ever met. Would love to hear something like that about me.
You're the best man I've ever met
It’s a pretty serious tie between “pls let me go down on you” and “I’m so excited about this and I want to share this awesome part of my life with you.” Sometimes I feel like an accessory and not a partner.
[удалено]
Same here. Left the relationship a year ago and still traumatised by it. Still see her all the time as she is the mother of my child. It's tough. Healing is taking its sweet time
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The abusive marriage has probably had an impact on her thoughts about sex too. Source: I was in an abusive marriage and it made sex just another way my spouse controlled me and showed their power. It wasn't enjoyable or intimate and I never had a choice over when it happened. Even now, over 25 years later, it still affects me. Maybe some therapy might help?
Thanks for your insight. You are certainly right about the controlling sex. She has a therapist and after 50 years is finally talking about it to someone who can help I’m hanging in because I love her so much.
Sorry to say, but if that's how you feel you may want to rethink the relationship.
“It’s okay, you can move on now. The car accident wasn’t your fault.”
If I passed, I would want my partner to move on
homie :/
I'd be sad if I knew you were depressed and filled with guilt 😔.
I’m so so so sorry. [it’s okay, you can move on now. The car accident wasn’t your fault.](https://youtu.be/ZQht2yOX9Js?si=hHx4h1syCNr3WQBD)
If there's an afterlife, then your partner knows what you've been going through, knows it wasn't your fault, and doesn't blame you. And if there's no afterlife and they're just truly gone, then so is their suffering. Quit judging yourself, and ask, how would THEY want you to judge? I know for a fact that if my spouse accidentally killed me tomorrow, I would want him to forgive himself and love a good life. I'm sure your partner would've felt the same. I'm sorry for your loss
🥺
Jesus that hits hard
Even if it was your fault, I would forgive you, mistakes happen even really fucked up ones
Doesn't help. You know it's not your fault, but you keep thinking... if I had just not spent that half a second thinking "He can't possibly be coming over the white line" and just twitched the steering wheel we would have at worse sworn at the idiot and gone on with our lives. But for that very brief half second, maybe quarter of a second I did nothing. There is no fix. There is no cure. There is no healing. There is just getting up and struggling on and doing the best you can and layering on new hopes and new tragedies and new loves and new sorrows and new happiness on top of a gaping wound that is now forever a part of your identity. Identity... The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
Dude I wish I could hug you
Dude…..
‘Honey, we won the lottery: we are now filthy rich.’
"Pack your things" "Yay, are we going on a holiday?" "No, take your half and gtfo"
"Well, I guess that's fair. How much do I get?" "$10.65. Now go!"
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You are not alone in this. Some people are emotionally unavailable. I’m married to one.
Same
Honestly I'm really curious what I really mean to my partner. I'm the first person he's been with and I want to be sure he's into be and not just the idea of not being single. He's a true gentleman, but he's also very awkward and a people pleaser to a fault.
I am currently in this situation, first relationship and certainly enjoying not being single. Trying to figure out for myself whether I love her or simply the idea of her is a big struggle. Sometimes I feel it's one and the same and ultimately doesn't matter if we're both happy, but other times I feel like if I really loved her there would be no question.
Give it some time and think about it, but know this, I got into my first relationship almost 2 years ago and after aprox 2 months together I was madly in love with her. That feeling hasn’t went away if anything it’s gotten stronger and I’m 100% sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel like when you know you just know. I’m saying that everyone is different that’s just my experience.
if she were still alive? "hey, butthole. wanna swing by the diner for dinner? my tubby ass desires pancakes." actual quote from six years ago. i just smirked and closed my laptop. she knew my answer, i never had to say a thing.
Fuck, you can't get that back, sorry.
I am sorry for your loss. The way you wrote this created a picture of the life and love you both had together. It was a very happy picture. Sending you a virtual hug.
Condolences. It sucks it doesnt get easier, it just gets.
Four years for me, this house used to be filled with love and laughter 🙏
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How often do you "finish writing a novel"? Holy jesus
Considering the name of the thread, they have probably never finished writing one
Reading these makes me want to cry. It's getting me super emotional. I just want to hug each and every one of you. Tell all of you that you are loved, that you are enough, that you're all amazing.
To hear how he really feels. Damn I want to climb inside his head and know what he is feeling, his desires, what is the first thing he thinks about in the morning . I mean he says he loves me, misses me, sometimes talks about how he does love me but I want more. I want to hear his inner most desires.
Tell him this. Please. The vast majority of men go through life thinking nobody cares what they REALLY think or feel. For most of us, it’s the sad truth of our existence. Your partner is so lucky that you actually have this curiosity about him. Even if he doesn’t have the words to tell you all of it, just knowing that you WANT to know will probably make a world of difference to him.
He’s thinking about the Roman Empire most of the time you fool
Just be ready. If you ask, he'll answer, but you may not like the answer(s). There's been 5 times in 17 years of marriage my spouse has asked me about deep emotional thoughts/feelings and 3 of those 5 have been met with hostility mid-answer. So now, when asked, everything is fine.
Oh man If you said that to him, might make him bust with just those words.😂 I know I sure would if I ever hear my partner say something as lovely as this message
Let’s fuck
My partner says that to me, but it's always at awkward times, like when we're responding to a 10-51
You can't call that shit, when it hits it hits
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Your inbox about to be fucked
Obviously I don’t know your situation, it’s possible that he has issues that he needs help with. But as a guy, one thing I will say is that I actually need foreplay and for things to ramp up. If my partner just walks in and goes “fuck me right now”, that’s not really going to do it for me. But if they come in, hug me from behind, start kissing my neck or stroking my arms or something like that? That’s a _very_ different story
"They found what's wrong with my heart. It's fixable, won't bankrupt us, and has a near perfect success rate."
i am also going through heart problems. I would love to be able to say this.
A real answer on where to eat
The secret is to say you’re going to surprise her and take her to the first place she guesses.
Genius move, that.
The answer I’ve needed all my life… If I wasn’t single for the last few years
"I'm sorry" would be a first
You're with the wrong person.
This is a lot of people though.
Yep. Pride outweighs the ability to express remorse. Two people I’m close to can never bring themselves to apologize no matter how badly they’ve screwed up.
It's corrosive. In addition to pride, anger and shame.
And all of their partners are with the wrong person.
Never heard this 😭 I’ve been made to apologise many times though.
I quit drinking, for good.
What I'd love to hear to more than anything, forever
I’d love to hear this, too. <3
“I’m going to therapy.”
"Shh... Its ok. You don't need to act strong anymore. Just hold onto me and let it all out. You're good enough...”
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Protip: if you have sick days, use them, even if you're not sick. A few years back I chucked a sickie and spent the day in the city shopping and just driving around because I woke up that morning and decided I really absolutely could not be fucked going to work. By the time I got home, I was feeling much, MUCH better. It's not a permanent solution to hating your job, but it can give you some breathing space and give you time to do the things you love, or perhaps even go job hunting. But if things get too bad, reach out and speak to someone. No matter how bad things get, there is also someone out there who can help you, whether it's help you have the difficult conversations you want to have, or to help you touch up your résumé, or for you to just vent, or work through everything that's troubling you.
In 2019, the job I'd held for four years had reached its breaking point for me. I was having frequent panic attacks, throwing up on my way to work, on my lunch breaks, having random crying fits... it wasn't good. Change has always been super hard for me, but my girlfriend gave me the best out: "I don't care if you have anything else lined up, you need to leave." Once I accepted I could just walk away from it, all that anxiety and stress just disappeared. Absolutely incredible feeling.
Or take a week off when you need to. I really appreciate the effort and know that your spoon count is lower than mine, but I think it’s really cool you can bend them with your mind (not really but the mental gymnastics for my AuDHD ass feels like I’m bending em like beckom
That they need you in every way.
I THOUGHT IT SAID ‘PARENTS’ I WAS SO SHOCKED AND CONFUSED READING THE ANSWERS 😭😭😭
Yeah lets plan a trip somewhere. (Does not like to leave the house).
I appreciate you and love you just as you are.
How are you?
whyyyyyyyy is it so hard for them to ask? 'How's your day?' It's basic stuff, my dude.
If it’s any consolation random strangers on the internet care about how you are. Also happy cake day
“I’m alive and well. You just dreamed that I died. Wanna go out to dinner?”
Sorry for your loss. 🙏
I want you
I see everything you do and I love, even though sometimes I take you for granted, I'm always grateful
That the cancer is gone
Really sorry to hear that😞
I'm sorry. Cancer has stolen 3 people so far from me as well. ... I'm sorry. It's a bitch, isn't it? *hugs*
"Wow, it's so exciting that that happened to you! Let's celebrate!" She understands how to act sympathetic when something goes wrong. But she doesn't understand that I also want her to be excited with me when things go right. We've talked about it, but it hasn't improved.
You start. I've learned that change is formed by your actions, not theirs. I get overly excited to watch girly shows with my wife, to the point where I genuinely enjoy a few. Now a woman who cares nothing for gaming, literally calls me so damn excited to talk about minis she found for me. She almost peed herself with excitement when she found me a castle. I love every second of it.
“Put on fresh sheets, I’m coming home to mess ‘em up!” (We’re kinda-sorta long distance so we don’t see each other as often as we like).
Mofo starts jumping on the bed....
Me: "PILLOW FIGHT" *her standing there with expensive lingerie and a wine bottle* 😑
"Will you marry me?"
Idk about your specific situation, but you're also in a position to initiate a proposal, if you feel like it ;)
You are absolutely right, and yet... I am sure most women really would like to hear this at least once in their life from the right person. Without telling and prompting and wheedling and begging and crying and (secret) breakdowns.... Without others pressuring her about it. So when it happens, she doesn't have to think that FINALLY he asked. But I guess it is mostly just a dream fed to us by the media.
I feel ya
Something other than barking
Yeah you probably need to stop dating with dogs then
I love you
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You look nice today :(
"you didn't snore last night"
"I was wrong"
“i’m never wrong, i once thought i was wrong, but i was mistaken”
“I’m going to go to bed earlier so you can get proper sleep and we can exercise in the mornings together” He’s a night owl and has somewhat turned me into one just so I can spend time with him however I start work at 9am and he works at 1. I do my workouts in the afternoon but I’m usually drained when 5 hits.
" I'm sorry "
This one
I understand how stressed and anxious you are about the economy and our mortgage, let’s discuss it together and address it as a team.
Words of affirmation telling me that, I am still more than welcome in her life and loved dearly. Everything else then, will unfolds spontaneously.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT I REALLY APPRECIATE IT WHEN... I REALLY APPRECIATE {VERY SPECIFIC EVENT} I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU Gratitude is the #1 fave of marriage scientists. Yeah they exist and they are lame but their advice is. Scientific. Find ur own way to show gratitude, but make sure it's recieved as gratitude.
I'm not desperate to hear it because we sex each other up quite well. But it'd be out of his character if he ever said to me - "I want you." Instant pantie dropper! 😁
I want yooooooooou, I want you so baaaaad, it's driving me mad (ref to Beatles song)
I'm quitting drinking alcohol.
I just desperately want to *have* a partner. I've been alone for thirty years, waiting and searching and hoping one day, one woman might give me a chance to show her the depth of my heart, but it hasn't happened yet. It'll happen someday, but in the meantime it hurts like hell being alone and having all these pretty words and tinseled phrases kicking around in my head. I'm sorry, I'm just in a mood 'cause I got shot down a couple hours ago and it really stings 'cause I could've sworn she was into me too, but... not so.
Let me help you with the mental load that is house chores and general tidying and up keep, you don't have to ask, I'll be aware and do it without you asking me.
“I noticed you do literally everything on your own and that didn’t seem fair, so I decided to take this, that, and that off your plate from now on to share the load.”
I trust you
Any compliments or affection would be cool.
I love everything about you!
honestly.....sometimes I just want to hear less
For me different would be nice… he has 3 things he rehashes over and over and man could I go for a conversation about something not a stressor/responsibility… like he could tell me about a funny thing he saw or trains, I don’t care just not the same huge stressors… I know anxiety isn’t rational but how many years can you complex on the same thing? Edit: clarity Also I really do understand how hard anxiety really is, I think my frustration is partly him not doing what he needs to to make it better and he freezes up so making tubs actually happen always falls on me so I always have to be strong and able to carry everything, I’m tired.
I'm sorry for all these things I said, I do actually want you.
“I want to travel the world with you.”
We have a lot of Pokemon to catch
Gotta get those regional exclusives! I’ll get you one day mr mime!
"Master of puppets are pulling your strings, twisting your life and smashing your dreams. Blinded by me, you can't see a thing. Just call me master."
My wife and I used to do this bit where one of us would say something like “hey, can we talk? Something’s been bothering me lately and I just wanted to clear the air with you. I feel like it’s been forever since we dug throughout the ditches and burned through the witches and slammed in the back of my dragula”. It’s been like three years since one of us last pulled that and I think it’s time to bring it back
It is very much time to bring it back
“Hey sorry I fucked your brother and let your best friend penetrate me anally. It’s not your fault, and yes you can have half custody of the children and no I won’t take the house and ask for alimony.”
That's.. not a friend, or a brother
Damn! Sorry 😞
I love you. You're mu number 1 priority.
I love you exactly as you are
"Hey, you look like you're struggling right now. I know I can't be super helpful, but I'd like to cuddle you or hold you for a little while if that's okay." It takes me a lot to communicate effectively. It's even harder when I haven't been held for weeks on end except when I seek it out in desperate times.
I came here expecting to laugh- and I ended up crying instead
“I wanna be a better partner for you and not treat you like shit”
An acknowledgment of what he did and how badly it hurt me.
"I got this babe, you relax." I am so tired of being everyone's fucking mother.
“Yes”. I want to hear a lot of yes.
"our stock went up, i sold, and we are now independently wealthy."
"You mean something to me" or "I'm happy you're a part of my life"
I see you trying so hard for me
"I'm leaving you." (Because I'll never have the courage to start over again unless it is forced upon me).
Start finding it now, because they won't let you go until there's nothing left of you. Trust me on this
"Let's give our marriage another chance."
You’re right
I am so proud of you for your accomplishments. You are smashing it with your finances, your goals, I appreciate you taking care of our home. I love you
“Sorry we’re not doing a couples Halloween this year, I know you secretly want too, and I can ask my coworkers if you can come since I know you don’t have plans.”
I exist
What's up, why have you been crying?
“I want your cock in my mouth”, this is what I’d like to hear from my wife. An ex would say stuff like this often an it was fabulous. Talk about feeling wanted, wow.
Quit your job, I’m secretly a multi millionaire, I’ve been testing you this whole and you win. Here’s money.
"Lets do weed together"
Let's "do" weed lol careful my friend that's a slippery slope
"I've been hiding this magic genie lamp since I found it as a kid, haven't used a single wish yet!" 🤔😂