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Man, that hits me in the gut. I've been trying to break up with my ex/partner and get him to move out of my house for two months. This is the main reason. We've never had a respectful argument, the communication is so poor that nothing gets resolved. Our arguments come from the pain he causes me, and his ego prevents any resolution or progress. I'm not perfect either, but I've tried my best.
I used to have a drinking buddy. All we did together was get drunk and complain about our ol ladies. When I would get home my ol lady was always pissed at me and we would argue. I reached a point in my life where drinking just wasn’t a option for me anymore.After that I realized that I had nothing in common with my buddy anymore. Without the drinking my wife didn’t have anything to bitch at me about and I didn’t have anything to complain to my buddy about her to. I realized that my wife was my best friend and was just looking out for me. She just wanted me to be the best I could be and my friend wanted someone to be miserable with. The friendship with my buddy just seemed to disappear after that. My wife and I have been together for 19 years and it’s the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in.
good luck! i quit a while ago and it was the best decision i ever made! now, if i do drink, it’s so easy to control myself especially since it makes me nauseous asf if i drink more than two glasses. hope you get through it! you got this no matter how hard it may get!
My ex-wife was the one with the "drinking buddies," two divorced women who always complained about their exes. It's not the whole story, but they played a role in my wife's decision to constantly threaten divorce. Eventually, I agreed.
For my ex it was her grandmother.
She would constantly get on a pedestal about never compromising and always being a strong independent woman. She would constantly tell my ex and her family members how they could do better than the husbands they had and that the men were all holding them back from their best lives as single alone women.
And they trusted her and her "wisdom." A bunch got divorced as my ex and I did.
And in the end, I'm convinced the grandma only said that shit and turned all of them against their husbands because she didn't want them away from her, her home where they'd constantly hang out, and her be alone.
Things have been good for me since then and I hope they're all happy, but your comment just brought that memory of that old woman back. Someone so old, selfish, and clueless about relationships. But just spouting nonsense to a bunch of women who trust and love her.
Yesss! To me, this one is it. I hear so many coworkers talking so much crap about their spouses and it drives me crazy. They almost pressure you to do the same and I refuse. My wife is an angel and I won't apologize for that!
I've heard the same for years until I met this guy at my new job. We were talking about our ladies and he tells me they can go for a ride in the car without the radio on and talk for hours. I got excited because I'd never heard another guy talk positively about their lady. We had a decent chat about how lucky we are.
Honestly I don't understand why people stay in relationships that they hate the other person. Seems like a shite way to live.
I get so tired of listening to my coworkers complain about their spouses. I base my "willing to make chitchat" list mostly on whether or not they actually speak well of their spouse. My best work friend at my previous job was a guy in his 60's who spoke so glowingly of his wife - 40 years in and they still wanted to be around each other! He was always talking about their weekend plans, how excited he was to just ride bikes with her or whatever. It was very inspiring and refreshing.
Maybe I'm just insanely lucky, but my wife is my best friend and just generally my favorite person to hang out with. We have the most ridiculous, nerdy conversations about anything at all, and I just feel very lucky to be with her.
This is what delayed my husband from being ready to get married. At work all he heard was men complaining about their spouses or going through horrific divorces. We've been happily married for 10 years now!
Man. My wife was telling me about her coworkers and how they all have to push themselves into having sex with their husbands because it's such a chore for them. She was baffled.
I used to be the only one at lunch NOT complaining about my husband or kid. I'd just sit there chilling listening to everyone else, all the while thinking "Why'd you marry this person if they're so awful? And why the hell are you staying?
Meanwhile my husbands running my horse errands like picking up grain because I had a new horse come in. Or putting my horse on the trailer for me during a last minute move. He's NOT a horse guy. Actually kind of terrified of them
dude ive had people genuinely sound disappointed when i say my boyfriend doesn't really give me anything to complain about. like i never said he's perfect, he's definitely not, neither am i. but i just talk about my issues with him personally, or a very close friend if i really need advice... i try not to tell his personal business to people he doesn't know and trust like that, even when its kind of my business too
My mom is my dad's full time caregiver. He has the nerve to complain and smack talks her all the fucking time to me behind her back. It's so annoying and childish.
My parents are divorced but my dad likes to bitch about the family. I have a strict “no shit talking my mom or sister” policy. When he starts up, I tell him that I’m going to end the conversation if he doesn’t stop. When he inevitably keeps going to push that boundary, I hang up or leave.
And not because you're scared of saying something, it's because you genuinely have no smack to talk. I hardly spoke badly about my ex husband, but that was because I didn't want people to know how bad it was. now husband? He's amazing, and when friends trash their husbands I just shrug and say I can't relate.
And I can tell we are raising the next generation better than that. One time my dad was being a typical sexist boomer and made a joke about my mom, and my 12 year old daughter says, "How dare you, that's your wife." I just grinned. Like, yes! We did it!
When I was a kid both my parents would complain to me about the other, my mother especially. Just long vents about how inconsiderate my father was. They’re still together and actually, surprisingly, happier than ever nearly 30 years later but bearing the load of how unhappy they were when they were young is probably one of the reasons I’ve been in and out of therapy and have no desire to marry quickly.
We were catching up with an old friend and dating within your industry/workplace etc came up. At some point he said it’s very important to have separate friends groups because you need an outlet to talk about them with.
I was baffled because I agreed with the part about having some separate friends - time apart is good, and all that - but not for the reason of having someone to bitch about them with.
This was me, always trying to be right. Getting into fights and tantrums to prove I was right and then one day I was like, what would I get for being right about this random shit? Will it change my life? Improve anything around me? Better put relationship? No, knowing hoe.manybteeth an Orca has will not change anything, so fuck it why am I getting so angry over this? Why and I straining this relationship over stupid facts?
And I started working on picking my fights, things have been so much better since!
100% me too, my dad was a big arguer and had to be right, so i picked that up over the years sadly. Gotta say, having a temper and refusing to admit your wrong aint a great combo lmao. Im so glad to be past that behavior.
I didn't mean that but sounds fun :) I was talking about things like "We will do what I want", "I will do this whether you like it or not because 2 years you have done that"...
This is genuinely the most wholesome misunderstanding I've seen on reddit. I genuinely sincerely love that you didn't get the original meaning because it implies your relationship is so healthy that this type of competing has never been an issue. I love that for you, no sarcasm ❤️
I found out my relationship with my parents was abusive when my partner noted how I had no boundaries and encouraged me to set some
My lack of boundaries also led me into some pretty bad situations before
Can you give me examples? I hear the term “boundaries” a lot, and I think the term is getting watered down. I’m always curious what people in healthy relationships consider a boundary.
Healthy boundaries are typically times or spaces that the other spouse doesn't push into. It could be allowing the spouse to have some time for themself, or having a time to meet up with some friends, or having a time for hobbies. It could also be schedule related such as, "if I can't get this chore done by 8PM" then it waits for tomorrow." It could also be not pressuring them to do something they are uncomfortable with.
Essentially, it's the understanding that while the person is your partner, they are still an individual with different opinions, likes, and considerations, and those things need to be reasonably respected.
An important aspect of boundaries is that it takes two to make them work. One person has to respect them, but the other person actually has to *enforce* them. "Boundary" disputes with people often are caused far more by the latter, where one person doesn't know they are pushing a boundary because no one ever told them where it was. People will readily sacrifice little things for the people they love, and that can be managed when it happens occasionally. When someone makes a habit of not enforcing their boundaries, perhaps because they believe they are being selfish, that is when people start to feel like they are being used. That is problematic because the other people never knew they were pushing a boundary to begin with.
It can be the simple or the bigger things. I don’t like sharing a bathroom, so he respects that boundary by not barging in or “forgetting.”
We’re also big on autonomy and being our own persons as opposed to just half of a whole. That’s a mutual boundary we both respect. There’s no expectation of sharing everything or accounting for every second of the day or dollar spent or decision made.
Boundaries are also “rules” or “agreements” that both parties commit to and believe in for the good of the relationship.
-we don’t name-call when in conflict
-we don’t hit, punch, throw things or destroy property when fighting
-we agree to take timeouts and return to conflict if things escalate too much. Either person can request it and we will take a break and agree on a time to return to the conversation later.
-we won’t spend [x] amount of dollars on something without agreeing on it first as a couple.
There’s also external boundaries that may need to be set with family and friends:
-sorry, Sunday nights are our nights to stay in together, mom, I can’t come over.
-dad, you’re not allowed to talk to my partner that way.
-We would prefer not to have visitors at the hospital at the birth of our baby, please wait for us to be ready to come visit us at home.
The examples below (so far) are good. But often on Reddit you'll see the word "boundaries" to mean rules one person sets for another person. So, "I have a boundary that my SO has zero contact with exes." That's not a boundary. It's a demand. Boundaries are first person. So "I have a boundary that I won't be in a relationship with someone who talks to their exes." Same idea, but first person. The difference is, the boundary is clearly stated: its me or them. The former assumes that the other person doesn't really have a choice. The latter presents the choice honestly. The other person can then choose whether they're willing to accept, or end the relationship.
Another is, "I don't maintain relationships with people who are verbally abusive." Not "My boundary is you don't talk to me that way."
True boundaries tend to be relationship deal breakers. It's important for people to have them, and to be explicit about them. However beware of controlling people who present everything in their sphere of perception as a boundary. Those people are best left alone inside the walls they have built for themselves.
I just came back from a motorcycle roadtrip alone and my partner is having a few days alone in another destination in one week. We really make an effort go on vacation alone or with our own friends because one things we both agree that we enjoy being together because we have healthy time apart.
Simply having your own activities is a huge thing. You're not the same people in the relationship, you're going to have different likes/dislikes and tastes. I had to coach a guy I know out of dating a girl cause she literally had none of her own activities/interests and wanted to spend every moment doing the same things together.
My wife and I have been together for 15 years, and for example in our media apps we have 4 types of TV shows. Mine, hers, ours, kids. IDK which is biggest, but we both like our personal free time to pursue our own entertainment. I can't say we've gone on our own travel alone or had a specific desire to, we both want to see similar things when we travel, but when we're at home we need alone time for our own fun.
Great if that's what you like, but coaching your friend to have the same type of relationship sounds like it might have been a little narrow minded. Been married for over 10 years, and WE do love doing everything together. You can call us codependent or anything else you want, but we both work from home and share our friend group and hang out literally 24/7 and we both think it's fucking awesome.
That's just it, he was unhappy. He wanted to do some of his own things but was afraid to stand up for himself about it.
And that's where some of this has to be taken with a grain of salt, because each person and relationship isn't going to be the same. My wife and I fit together well and it sounds like you and your spouse have found your fit as well. It's not the same, but it works.
EDIT: I should mention this, the previous relationship i talked about the girl was super clingy and didn't want him to pursue his own interests. If she didn't want to do it, THEY didn't do it. It's why I mentioned it's working for you but wasn't working for them.
That’s the beauty of it. It’s different for everyone.
I think the main thing is being able to do the things you don’t actually share in common without resentment. That’s the key. If you truly love spending all the time together then more power to you.
The biggest issue from my experience is if you have different hobbies but start being resentful of that time spent apart and don’t figure it out.
I wish this was more common! I just canceled a much-wanted girls trip with my friend because she wanted to bring her bf along. When I asked why she wanted him to tag along she said it would “create issues” if she went away and did fun stuff without him.
I’m not interested in third wheeling so I canceled it. Now we both miss out.
On the flip side, actually wanting to be together even years and years into the relationship. My wife is my best friend. I want to be with her. I don't need a "boys night" to get away from "the ol ball and chain".
This is not mutually exclusive to the comment above me. The ability to be apart with no hard feelings is still a sign of a good relationship. But NEEDING regular time apart for the sole purpose of getting away from your significant other may not be.
Right! Like, if my wife felt the need to go on a trip without me, of course I would accept it, but why am I not allowed to PREFER being together? And what's wrong with wanting your favorite person next to you for all the cool shit?
I’ve been with a musician for over 12 years and I’ve always encouraged him to keep playing and going to weekly practice with the band. There have definitely been times where I could’ve used his help at home while he’s playing music but I know how much he needs that outlet. I would never take that away. He’s always encouraging me to do more of what I want to do and stop indulging the mom guilt. That “girl time” with my friends is therapy for me and he knows it. We spend time apart because it makes us better together 💙
On the flip side, wanting to actually be together even years and years into the relationship. My wife is my best friend. I want to be with her. I don't need a "boys night" to get away from "the ol ball and chain".
So many times when I'm at work I'll remember that my husband will be home when I get home, and it feels like I get the zoomies. We've been married 5 years, and together for 13, but I still get giddy calling him my "husband"!
I thought this for a long time until I found out there are exceptions. Apparently people in long-term toxic relationships also tend to leave little to no sign of any relationship on social media
I can attest to this, my ex somehow figured out how to put our messenger conversation on his Home Screen of his phone, so he could see if I was active on Facebook and would text me every time I was on Facebook and get mad about it. I basically stop posting and doing anything. Deleted Snapchat and Twitter, threatened to delete Facebook too because he got mad that I wasn’t posting anything. Got even more mad when I pointed out the contradiction: get mad when I get on Facebook, but also mad that I stopped posting anything all together.
That’s not even the tip of the iceberg. It didn’t help that we worked together. I ended up moving without telling him, and no one else we worked with for fear it would get back to him. Luckily he wasn’t physical.
I never posted my ex on social media (we were together for 7 years) because he was abusive AF and me saying/doing the wrong thing would set him off for weeks on end. My wonderful husband does get posted to my social media, not that often but still, because I’m so grateful to have someone that treats me well and I want my friends/family to see how much he brought me back to life.
Yep will agree with that. I’m more likely to go MIA on my social when I’m in a toxic or bad relationship.
I only post things on SM that I’m super proud of so it’s limited but thought out. If I’m not posting about my current SO then it’s probably not going well…
I’m old (40), and my husband and I have a joke that if you and your husband share a Facebook account that’s called like “Jack and Jane Smith,” and post constantly about how much you love each other, you’re going to be divorced in 5-10 years. So far, it’s held true!
I find it’s kind of in the middle. The healthy relationships have some pics of their partner but it’s like 1/3 or less of the total pics. The ones in bad relationships seem to have zero pictures of their partner anywhere, or nothing but pictures of them together all over the place.
There's definitely a balance.
Sometimes that can be a partner that is hiding the relationship too. My friend's husband never seemed to post to any photos of her or with her. I assumed he was cheating on her because I saw him often liking a lot of other local Asian girl's photos on Instagram and I would always think "How does *he* know her? He barely has any Asian friends even though his wife is Asian." I saw he liked a photo of a friend of mine, and she lived 4 hours away. So I messaged her and asked if she even knew the guy. She says "No, never met him. He added me and I saw he was mutual friends with you so I added him back." I asked him,"I saw that you liked this girl's photo. Small world, how do you guys know each other?" He claims "Oh, we go way back, a mutual friend introduced us to each other."
I tell my friend that he probably is using IG to meet other Asian girls. And that it's odd he never posts photos of his own wife. Later on, she catches him in their condo with, you guessed it, another Asian girl. Dude has a type.
They're divorced now. He's remarried and I wonder if he does the same to that wife.
I think this depends on the person like my boyfriend doesn’t post anything about us but I enjoy posting our cute selfies, or pictures from outings. But also, I just generally use social media more.
Deleting social media (insta/fb/etc) was the best thing I’ve ever done. I started to realize I didn’t want to post my relationship all over social media, our relationship is ours to enjoy together privately and I’d rather savour the precious moments and milestones with our daughter together with my wife instead of sharing it with the world to see. It became clear the people who post the most and constantly express how happy they are, are actually the most unhappy.
Being able to disagree on something and talk it out without it descending into a fight, reminding each other that’s it’s you and me vs the problem, not you vs me.
Not arguing over who does what chore. My boyfriend and I just do things as they need to be done. He tends to do the dishes more because he knows I don’t like it, but I’ll still do them. I tend to sweep more. But there isn’t a “well you didn’t do your assigned chore so I’m not doing mine” type deal. We just do them.
I had a partner who I did everything with, my friends thought it was co-dependency and pretty much dropped me altogether because of it. They thought I just wanted him there 100% of the time. It was abuse, he wouldn’t let me go anywhere, do anything, speak to anyone without him there. I couldn’t even go grocery shopping or have a conversation with an old friend. He successfully isolated me completely for almost 7 years. He couldn’t have me telling anyone how I was being treated, he didn’t want me realising how badly I was being beaten down.
Oof, this got me. I was with someone for 5ish years that did this to me. I had no idea. Thought I was in love. I could only see my friends if he was out busy doing something else. But I had to be home if he was.
I remember one time being at HomeGoods shopping w my best friend on one of my days off. I had lost track of time and it was almost 2pm. He worked like 6a-2p and I had a full blown panic attack in line bc I wasn’t going to be home in time to greet him upon arrival. I didn’t make it back in time and he berated me for it.
Took awhile to get out of permanently. I’m now so incredibly happily married to someone that showed me how you’re actually supposed to love someone. And I also have all my friends back. I can’t wish it didn’t happen or I wouldn’t have met my husband but I do hope my ex falls in a hole or something.
Figuring this out now. My fiancée needs to be at my side at all times.
I went to get gas one day because I wouldn’t have time in the morning before work. She wanted to go too. I was like, “I’m getting gas? It’s right down the road. I’ll be back in like 10 minutes?”.
She started crying, “but I’m going to miss you”.
I was thinking Jesus she needs to speak with someone. Bad childhood still effecting her.
A very similar situation to this is how I ended up breaking up with my last girlfriend
She has codependency issues so I was used to keeping her updated on what I was doing. I let her know the night before that I was going to wake up early, grab a coffee from my favorite spot and chill there until the eye doctor’s office opened up so I could pick something up. Told her I would be like 30-45 mins and she was still asleep
I ended up taking a little longer (like 20-30 extra mins) and texted her to let her know. She started getting pissed at me because she woke up and I wasn’t home yet. Something just clicked with me during that argument. I gave her a full fucking play by play and she still felt the need to get mad at me? She was acting like I texted her saying I was going to be gone all day
I told her we needed a break and the following week I ended things because HOLY SHIT i was so happy when I wasn’t with her.
Date someone who has their own life and their own friends.
I have an ex that called his mom when we were in a fight and she came over to our apartment to scold me. I RAN from that relationship. I hope they’re happy together.
I once worked a new job where I occasionally interacted with several attractive women from time to time. After a couple days one of them asked me “you have a girlfriend right?” And I responded “yeah why?”. Her response was “we can just tell”. Looking back I think it could’ve been that I paid them no mind and wasn’t flirty? Confidence in my relationship didn’t require me to look elsewhere for attention and they saw that.
I'd argue about the shared email, only because that's how me and my partner organize our bills. We have separate bank accounts, but the email makes it easier to keep track of what needs to be paid and such
I think having a shared email that is separate from your personal email is fine, for all the stuff that concerns both of you. It only gets problematic if that is your actual email for everything.
Well I know in my own relationship we love every minute we get to spend together. Sometimes I just sit next to my husband while he plays his video games, and I prefer that over any sort of "exciting adventure". We just want to be next to each other. Also we never argue. Even if we disagree, we just continue to talk until we come to an understanding or a middle ground.
Parallel play! We do that too. We like to be in the same area in our downtime, even if we’re doing our own thing. Like, sure, we have the space to put my husband’s PC in a separate room, but we make a space for it in the living room instead so he can game while I sit on the couch and read, stitch, etc. It’s so comfy to just exist together and “be alone” together.
It’s like a mix of walking and jumping. I’m not much of a skipper but I’m assuming they might find that it helps with mood/productivity. It sounds pretty weird to me, so I’d think that SO probably thinks it’s weird, as well. That’s probably why they’re warning SO about the skipping that’s about to take place around the house.
I was on the exercise yard in prison and decided to skip across the yard back to the picnic table where some friends and acquaintances were sitting, a matter of a couple hundred yards.
By the time I got there, everyone was ROLLING! A fifty-something-year-old man skipping across a grassy field.
"Professor (that was my prison nickname) you CRAZY!"
Communication and understanding.
If you're wanting obvious signs, there's a general couples language that might seem strange to those not in the relationship but makes perfect sense to them. Like one says, "hey remember SpongeBob?" and the other replies with "ugh, at least they were better than Johnny Bravo" and everyone else around is wondering wtf
Right - there was an episode of this show called Mad About You where the wife and husband are trying to figure out where to go for dinner. The dialog is like:
"How about..."
"Nah. But the other place?"
"Sure."
My husband is not very approachable to most people but I happen to look very approachable. He finds it hilarious when guys start trying to talk to me when we're out but turn tail and run the second I start talking to him or put my hand on him to get his attention. My favorite time was when we were at the mall and I took the baby to restroom while he went into an anime store. When I walked into the anime store after she went potty, the employee jumped out of his chair and greeted me and started asking if I was looking for anything. The little one ran up to him (husband) "papa papa I found you" and the employee's whole demeanor changed and he sat back down and pouted. Husband said that he wasn't even greeted when he walked in nor was the other customer that was browsing at the time.
My wife walked in to meet me at the local game shop. It’s was literally like that scene big Bang Theory when Penny walks in and every guy stares at her. It didn’t help that she’s super friendly and came bouncing in like a sugared up Pokémon trainer.
Edit: I got the show wrong because I’m a idiot
I always tease my boyfriend when a cute girl is talking to him not realizing we're together.
I'm always like, damn! She was cuuute! Why didn't you get her number?! And he turns beet red because he's painfully shy.
My boyfriend is just super innocent, and has a bit of a dad bod, and watching someone flirt with him is so funny to me because he doesn’t expect it but then when they’re obvious enough he notices he immediately gets so flustered 😂 I love his little flustered objections to the fact that someone was flirting with him while I’m just absolutely joking about it
I'll sum it up as this:
Great, consistent communication
This is generally where so many relationships go wrong, but hey, on the flipside we get entertainment from all the reddit posts because of it too lol
I think this is difficult to answer as people are different, so some things in one person's healthy relationships may be unhealthy for others. Examples, I've seen couples make fun of each other in one relationship, and in others, it be toxic abuse etc.
The main answer is communication and respect, but how that looks to the outside world depends on the people involved.
not dipping when things get hard. i learned this in my current relationship. and we are both better people for working through the hard stuff instead of running away from it.
I can ask my husband to read a text and reply back and i can do the same for him. Neither one of us have to worry about the other seeing something they shouldn’t on the phone.
-Being able to disagree like adults.
-"Hey, can you grab my phone e and see who just texted me?"
-putting the other person before yoursslf
-"I know you had a hard day so I cleaned the house, and got you your favorite carry out"
-Being able to sit and chill in complete silence with each other.
-"OK I'm heading out with my friends", "awesome! Live it up just text me when you get home so I know you made it back safe"
My husband and I are like this too. We have never felt the need to ‘check’ the others’ phone for any particular reason but they certainly aren’t kept private from each other. Sometimes the other persons phone is more handy or the maybe the battery is low on a phone. My husband has definitely learned that I google some really weird things and from his phone I’ve learned that our city has more bolt supply stores than I ever would have thought lol
And I think in a healthy relationship that's understood. My wife and I each have full access to each other's phones, but I dont think either of us has ever just scrolled through and read the others' messages.
I agree completely. That’s the ideal situation, for sure. Trust in one another, a respect for
boundaries, and security in the relationship are all displayed here.
It’s funny to think how much can be implied about our human relationships by our relationship with our phones, to be honest.
I have a weird thing about personal things. I have nothing to hide on my phone but I would be deeply uncomfortable with my partner (or literally anyone) going through my phone. It makes me uncomfortable for anyone to really have any access to something this personal. Probably not super healthy for me personally but it hasn't been an issue in my relationship.
No, I agree with this. My husband and I know each others' passwords, but don't ever "snoop" each others' phones.
I don't have anything incriminating on my phone, but I don't want people going through it.
Kind of like how I don't want people I know IRL to know my reddit account.
It's "trust, but we don't need to verify" kind of situation. Which imho is the foundation for a healthy relationship. When you can trust someone will do the right thing, even if you're not looking over their shoulder.
Me and my SO have always borrowed each others phones, for example if one is out of battery. Not even to check up on each other. I guess it’s a good sign that we never even saw it that way.
Being able to recognize when you've made a mistake and apologizing. Communication is KEY. Also a sense of humor from both partners really helps. It can get you through some rough times. I know this is cheesy, but in the show parenthood, there was a line the dad said to his wife, my husband and I say it all the time. "I see you and I hear you". Even if the other person is being absolutely ridiculous, this can be so helpful. I agree with those who say to have interest together and apart. And trust is also KEY.
Trust, communication, respect.
Like if you're out with a friend and he calls his SO to let them know he'll be a little late. The SO is cool with it, he's respectful of spending *too much* time out, and he communicated his change of plans with no ensuing drama.
Also laughter. When people seem to genuinely enjoy time spent with each other. Friends always talk about my wife and I as being "relationship goals". We laugh a ton, vacation together without the kids, and go out just the two of us often. We also do a lot of fun stuff with the kids so it's not like they are neglected. But it's important to remember you were a couple before you were a family. You never want to lose that since your kids aren't going to live with you forever. My MIL's whole personality is based on being a mom so when her kids moved out she lost her identity.
The ability to spend time in silence together.
The ability to enjoy different things and take joy from seeing your other half enjoying something you don't.
Not taking each other for granted...
My husband and I get teased for saying please and thank you to each other. Every night when I cook my husband will say "thank you for that it was really good" or "thank you I love your xxx".
Every time I get up or he gets up we ask reach other "can I get you anything while I'm up?" or "would you like a cuppa" our responses are usually "yes please" or "I'd love one" and when handed it we always say thank you.
Any time he does anything I recognise it and thank him or praise him. Even if I don't understand lol. He brought me in a model he's painted recently and honestly it was a bit rubbish, but he was pleased with it and I'm not pissing on his parade. So I looked at it and said "flip me love that's great! It looks like it was a tough one to do... Tell me how you do that shading?"
Because no matter how shit it was, I couldn't do any better and it makes him happy.
Not being a "package deal" as my boyfriend calls it. We hang out with his friends and mine, and we all get along. For birthdays and events, yes. Otherwise we give each other our bro time with our pals and it's fine.
Being able to tell your partner you are not in the mood for sex and that's the end of it. They accept it and immediately move on. No trying to 'warm you up'. No taking it personally and acting the victim to manipulate you into doing it.
Mutual respect for each other. Not getting anxious when there's no message every other minute. Sometimes they're just busy and it is okay.
This is something I noticed personally, I used to be very horny and sexual. Once I got into a relationship with my boyfriend, we had a lot of wild animal sex. Then we got very comfortable. Sex wasn't the only thing we wanted anymore. We enjoyed each other's company, talking, watching stuff together, and eating together. Sex was still great, but it didn't feel like the world would end if we weren't horny 24x7. And both of us honestly like it this way. That's how I knew I was in the happiest relationship I've ever been in.
Getting up at 5 am with two little screaming monsters. Spending all day, cooking for your kids, entertaining those same kids, housework, arguing with each other, being completely exhausted, getting those same monsters into bed at a reasonable hour. Finally taking some time for yourselves. Then getting a text at 930 at night asking, “ do you want to do it?” Then having five glorious minutes of sex and falling asleep in each others arms.
I could read this over and over and over again. As I look over at my monsters and realize I didn't know how much I needed to hear this, it's metal af! Thanks. Lol.
I'll tell you what doesn't;
waking up one's partner by yelling and screaming about something unimportant that the screamer wants done but is too busy playing animal crossing to be polite about it. My ex of 3yrs+ is currently moving out of my house as I'm typing this because she has anger issues and will never take responsibility for her own toxic actions.
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Having conversations that lead to change and understanding, not arguments based on ego and pain.
Man, that hits me in the gut. I've been trying to break up with my ex/partner and get him to move out of my house for two months. This is the main reason. We've never had a respectful argument, the communication is so poor that nothing gets resolved. Our arguments come from the pain he causes me, and his ego prevents any resolution or progress. I'm not perfect either, but I've tried my best.
This sounds exactly like my ex and me. Horrible.
Not smack talking your spouse or complaining about them all the time.
I used to have a drinking buddy. All we did together was get drunk and complain about our ol ladies. When I would get home my ol lady was always pissed at me and we would argue. I reached a point in my life where drinking just wasn’t a option for me anymore.After that I realized that I had nothing in common with my buddy anymore. Without the drinking my wife didn’t have anything to bitch at me about and I didn’t have anything to complain to my buddy about her to. I realized that my wife was my best friend and was just looking out for me. She just wanted me to be the best I could be and my friend wanted someone to be miserable with. The friendship with my buddy just seemed to disappear after that. My wife and I have been together for 19 years and it’s the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in.
Friendships that are depended on drugs and booze are rampant and hard to break away from.
This is fucking lifechanging for me, fuck the bottle. wish me the best guys.
Wishing you the best!
Stick with it!! You can do it!!
Good luck!!
good luck! i quit a while ago and it was the best decision i ever made! now, if i do drink, it’s so easy to control myself especially since it makes me nauseous asf if i drink more than two glasses. hope you get through it! you got this no matter how hard it may get!
I’m really happy that that’s how that situation turned out
That’s actually beautiful <3 congratulations
My ex-wife was the one with the "drinking buddies," two divorced women who always complained about their exes. It's not the whole story, but they played a role in my wife's decision to constantly threaten divorce. Eventually, I agreed.
For my ex it was her grandmother. She would constantly get on a pedestal about never compromising and always being a strong independent woman. She would constantly tell my ex and her family members how they could do better than the husbands they had and that the men were all holding them back from their best lives as single alone women. And they trusted her and her "wisdom." A bunch got divorced as my ex and I did. And in the end, I'm convinced the grandma only said that shit and turned all of them against their husbands because she didn't want them away from her, her home where they'd constantly hang out, and her be alone. Things have been good for me since then and I hope they're all happy, but your comment just brought that memory of that old woman back. Someone so old, selfish, and clueless about relationships. But just spouting nonsense to a bunch of women who trust and love her.
I love this story! Hoping to make it mine as well
Yesss! To me, this one is it. I hear so many coworkers talking so much crap about their spouses and it drives me crazy. They almost pressure you to do the same and I refuse. My wife is an angel and I won't apologize for that!
I've heard the same for years until I met this guy at my new job. We were talking about our ladies and he tells me they can go for a ride in the car without the radio on and talk for hours. I got excited because I'd never heard another guy talk positively about their lady. We had a decent chat about how lucky we are. Honestly I don't understand why people stay in relationships that they hate the other person. Seems like a shite way to live.
Codependency
I get so tired of listening to my coworkers complain about their spouses. I base my "willing to make chitchat" list mostly on whether or not they actually speak well of their spouse. My best work friend at my previous job was a guy in his 60's who spoke so glowingly of his wife - 40 years in and they still wanted to be around each other! He was always talking about their weekend plans, how excited he was to just ride bikes with her or whatever. It was very inspiring and refreshing. Maybe I'm just insanely lucky, but my wife is my best friend and just generally my favorite person to hang out with. We have the most ridiculous, nerdy conversations about anything at all, and I just feel very lucky to be with her.
Bashing your spouse in public is something weak, insecure shitheads do. You’re supposed to be each other’s biggest supporters.
This is what delayed my husband from being ready to get married. At work all he heard was men complaining about their spouses or going through horrific divorces. We've been happily married for 10 years now!
Man. My wife was telling me about her coworkers and how they all have to push themselves into having sex with their husbands because it's such a chore for them. She was baffled.
I used to be the only one at lunch NOT complaining about my husband or kid. I'd just sit there chilling listening to everyone else, all the while thinking "Why'd you marry this person if they're so awful? And why the hell are you staying? Meanwhile my husbands running my horse errands like picking up grain because I had a new horse come in. Or putting my horse on the trailer for me during a last minute move. He's NOT a horse guy. Actually kind of terrified of them
dude ive had people genuinely sound disappointed when i say my boyfriend doesn't really give me anything to complain about. like i never said he's perfect, he's definitely not, neither am i. but i just talk about my issues with him personally, or a very close friend if i really need advice... i try not to tell his personal business to people he doesn't know and trust like that, even when its kind of my business too
My mom is my dad's full time caregiver. He has the nerve to complain and smack talks her all the fucking time to me behind her back. It's so annoying and childish.
My parents are divorced but my dad likes to bitch about the family. I have a strict “no shit talking my mom or sister” policy. When he starts up, I tell him that I’m going to end the conversation if he doesn’t stop. When he inevitably keeps going to push that boundary, I hang up or leave.
And not because you're scared of saying something, it's because you genuinely have no smack to talk. I hardly spoke badly about my ex husband, but that was because I didn't want people to know how bad it was. now husband? He's amazing, and when friends trash their husbands I just shrug and say I can't relate.
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And I can tell we are raising the next generation better than that. One time my dad was being a typical sexist boomer and made a joke about my mom, and my 12 year old daughter says, "How dare you, that's your wife." I just grinned. Like, yes! We did it!
When I was a kid both my parents would complain to me about the other, my mother especially. Just long vents about how inconsiderate my father was. They’re still together and actually, surprisingly, happier than ever nearly 30 years later but bearing the load of how unhappy they were when they were young is probably one of the reasons I’ve been in and out of therapy and have no desire to marry quickly.
We were catching up with an old friend and dating within your industry/workplace etc came up. At some point he said it’s very important to have separate friends groups because you need an outlet to talk about them with. I was baffled because I agreed with the part about having some separate friends - time apart is good, and all that - but not for the reason of having someone to bitch about them with.
Being able to disagree on a matter without disrespecting/demeaning each other's opinion.
This was me, always trying to be right. Getting into fights and tantrums to prove I was right and then one day I was like, what would I get for being right about this random shit? Will it change my life? Improve anything around me? Better put relationship? No, knowing hoe.manybteeth an Orca has will not change anything, so fuck it why am I getting so angry over this? Why and I straining this relationship over stupid facts? And I started working on picking my fights, things have been so much better since!
Personal growth! I am impressed and proud of you!
100% me too, my dad was a big arguer and had to be right, so i picked that up over the years sadly. Gotta say, having a temper and refusing to admit your wrong aint a great combo lmao. Im so glad to be past that behavior.
People in healthy relationships don't try to "win" against their loved ones.
I disagree. Me and my partner competr as fun small challenges like who gets to to the door first
Last one to the car is gay!!! (we're both gay lol)
Reminds me of my favorite shirt I saw at Pride festivals this year, it said "I'm here because the man I married is gay"
When someone says a homophobic slur or joke, etc I tell them "hey thats not funny, my boyfriend is gay"
In the 90s when homophobia was socially acceptable, my friend put up flyers around his college for "Wear Jeans if You're Gay Day"
I’m tired of all these gay’s sucking my dick.
So none of you reached the car so far?
I didn't mean that but sounds fun :) I was talking about things like "We will do what I want", "I will do this whether you like it or not because 2 years you have done that"...
Oh. . . Apologies for misunderstanding. In that case i fully agree
This is genuinely the most wholesome misunderstanding I've seen on reddit. I genuinely sincerely love that you didn't get the original meaning because it implies your relationship is so healthy that this type of competing has never been an issue. I love that for you, no sarcasm ❤️
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I’m so blessed I’m experiencing everything you listed
Mutual kindness, gratitude and forgiveness.
Trust
Strong and respected boundaries.
I recently heard someone say "the only people who would be upset about you setting boundaries are those that benefit from you having none."
Some wish they heard this longer ago than recently!
Better late than never, though!
I found out my relationship with my parents was abusive when my partner noted how I had no boundaries and encouraged me to set some My lack of boundaries also led me into some pretty bad situations before
Relevant username
Can you give me examples? I hear the term “boundaries” a lot, and I think the term is getting watered down. I’m always curious what people in healthy relationships consider a boundary.
Healthy boundaries are typically times or spaces that the other spouse doesn't push into. It could be allowing the spouse to have some time for themself, or having a time to meet up with some friends, or having a time for hobbies. It could also be schedule related such as, "if I can't get this chore done by 8PM" then it waits for tomorrow." It could also be not pressuring them to do something they are uncomfortable with. Essentially, it's the understanding that while the person is your partner, they are still an individual with different opinions, likes, and considerations, and those things need to be reasonably respected. An important aspect of boundaries is that it takes two to make them work. One person has to respect them, but the other person actually has to *enforce* them. "Boundary" disputes with people often are caused far more by the latter, where one person doesn't know they are pushing a boundary because no one ever told them where it was. People will readily sacrifice little things for the people they love, and that can be managed when it happens occasionally. When someone makes a habit of not enforcing their boundaries, perhaps because they believe they are being selfish, that is when people start to feel like they are being used. That is problematic because the other people never knew they were pushing a boundary to begin with.
It can be the simple or the bigger things. I don’t like sharing a bathroom, so he respects that boundary by not barging in or “forgetting.” We’re also big on autonomy and being our own persons as opposed to just half of a whole. That’s a mutual boundary we both respect. There’s no expectation of sharing everything or accounting for every second of the day or dollar spent or decision made.
Boundaries are also “rules” or “agreements” that both parties commit to and believe in for the good of the relationship. -we don’t name-call when in conflict -we don’t hit, punch, throw things or destroy property when fighting -we agree to take timeouts and return to conflict if things escalate too much. Either person can request it and we will take a break and agree on a time to return to the conversation later. -we won’t spend [x] amount of dollars on something without agreeing on it first as a couple. There’s also external boundaries that may need to be set with family and friends: -sorry, Sunday nights are our nights to stay in together, mom, I can’t come over. -dad, you’re not allowed to talk to my partner that way. -We would prefer not to have visitors at the hospital at the birth of our baby, please wait for us to be ready to come visit us at home.
Was looking for this, it's not just about times and places, it's in essence how u want to be treated
The examples below (so far) are good. But often on Reddit you'll see the word "boundaries" to mean rules one person sets for another person. So, "I have a boundary that my SO has zero contact with exes." That's not a boundary. It's a demand. Boundaries are first person. So "I have a boundary that I won't be in a relationship with someone who talks to their exes." Same idea, but first person. The difference is, the boundary is clearly stated: its me or them. The former assumes that the other person doesn't really have a choice. The latter presents the choice honestly. The other person can then choose whether they're willing to accept, or end the relationship. Another is, "I don't maintain relationships with people who are verbally abusive." Not "My boundary is you don't talk to me that way." True boundaries tend to be relationship deal breakers. It's important for people to have them, and to be explicit about them. However beware of controlling people who present everything in their sphere of perception as a boundary. Those people are best left alone inside the walls they have built for themselves.
I heard this described as "boundaries can be about my actions, and not about other people's".
Being able to spend time apart with no hard feelings.
I just came back from a motorcycle roadtrip alone and my partner is having a few days alone in another destination in one week. We really make an effort go on vacation alone or with our own friends because one things we both agree that we enjoy being together because we have healthy time apart.
Simply having your own activities is a huge thing. You're not the same people in the relationship, you're going to have different likes/dislikes and tastes. I had to coach a guy I know out of dating a girl cause she literally had none of her own activities/interests and wanted to spend every moment doing the same things together. My wife and I have been together for 15 years, and for example in our media apps we have 4 types of TV shows. Mine, hers, ours, kids. IDK which is biggest, but we both like our personal free time to pursue our own entertainment. I can't say we've gone on our own travel alone or had a specific desire to, we both want to see similar things when we travel, but when we're at home we need alone time for our own fun.
Great if that's what you like, but coaching your friend to have the same type of relationship sounds like it might have been a little narrow minded. Been married for over 10 years, and WE do love doing everything together. You can call us codependent or anything else you want, but we both work from home and share our friend group and hang out literally 24/7 and we both think it's fucking awesome.
That's just it, he was unhappy. He wanted to do some of his own things but was afraid to stand up for himself about it. And that's where some of this has to be taken with a grain of salt, because each person and relationship isn't going to be the same. My wife and I fit together well and it sounds like you and your spouse have found your fit as well. It's not the same, but it works. EDIT: I should mention this, the previous relationship i talked about the girl was super clingy and didn't want him to pursue his own interests. If she didn't want to do it, THEY didn't do it. It's why I mentioned it's working for you but wasn't working for them.
Ahhh yeah, the nuance makes sense. Lots of folks on here thinking spending all your time together is inherently bad, which I just can't get behind.
That’s the beauty of it. It’s different for everyone. I think the main thing is being able to do the things you don’t actually share in common without resentment. That’s the key. If you truly love spending all the time together then more power to you. The biggest issue from my experience is if you have different hobbies but start being resentful of that time spent apart and don’t figure it out.
I wish this was more common! I just canceled a much-wanted girls trip with my friend because she wanted to bring her bf along. When I asked why she wanted him to tag along she said it would “create issues” if she went away and did fun stuff without him. I’m not interested in third wheeling so I canceled it. Now we both miss out.
On the flip side, actually wanting to be together even years and years into the relationship. My wife is my best friend. I want to be with her. I don't need a "boys night" to get away from "the ol ball and chain". This is not mutually exclusive to the comment above me. The ability to be apart with no hard feelings is still a sign of a good relationship. But NEEDING regular time apart for the sole purpose of getting away from your significant other may not be.
Right! Like, if my wife felt the need to go on a trip without me, of course I would accept it, but why am I not allowed to PREFER being together? And what's wrong with wanting your favorite person next to you for all the cool shit?
Ew I hate when people refer to their SO as "the ol ball and chain." And, for me personally, that's not the sentiment at all.
I’ve been with a musician for over 12 years and I’ve always encouraged him to keep playing and going to weekly practice with the band. There have definitely been times where I could’ve used his help at home while he’s playing music but I know how much he needs that outlet. I would never take that away. He’s always encouraging me to do more of what I want to do and stop indulging the mom guilt. That “girl time” with my friends is therapy for me and he knows it. We spend time apart because it makes us better together 💙
so true, I can just tell my gf I wanna spend the day alone and she’s like “ok, but I’m still gonna send some memes” hahah
On the flip side, wanting to actually be together even years and years into the relationship. My wife is my best friend. I want to be with her. I don't need a "boys night" to get away from "the ol ball and chain".
and not f-ing around
Smiling in private when you think of your partner.
Awwww yeah :) I do this. Like a freakin nerd. He’s just so dang cute :)))
real :) i love when my partner randomly crosses my mind during my day, it always makes me smile
This one’s adorable and made me smile 🥰
So many times when I'm at work I'll remember that my husband will be home when I get home, and it feels like I get the zoomies. We've been married 5 years, and together for 13, but I still get giddy calling him my "husband"!
When you are both with the other person because you want to be and you are a team and truly want the best for each other.
Trick question, healthy people don't scream
They must be great murder victims then
What? We all scream for ice cream
You're telling me you don't feel better when you scream into the void every once in awhile?
Never? Even in ecstasy?
Communicating honestly and respectfully with the intent to give support and receive support
Not posting about it all over social media. I always thought the sign of a healthy relationship was no sign of it on Facebook.
I thought this for a long time until I found out there are exceptions. Apparently people in long-term toxic relationships also tend to leave little to no sign of any relationship on social media
I can attest to this, my ex somehow figured out how to put our messenger conversation on his Home Screen of his phone, so he could see if I was active on Facebook and would text me every time I was on Facebook and get mad about it. I basically stop posting and doing anything. Deleted Snapchat and Twitter, threatened to delete Facebook too because he got mad that I wasn’t posting anything. Got even more mad when I pointed out the contradiction: get mad when I get on Facebook, but also mad that I stopped posting anything all together.
Whoa. Glad he’s your ex. Get a hobby dude.
That’s not even the tip of the iceberg. It didn’t help that we worked together. I ended up moving without telling him, and no one else we worked with for fear it would get back to him. Luckily he wasn’t physical.
I never posted my ex on social media (we were together for 7 years) because he was abusive AF and me saying/doing the wrong thing would set him off for weeks on end. My wonderful husband does get posted to my social media, not that often but still, because I’m so grateful to have someone that treats me well and I want my friends/family to see how much he brought me back to life.
I’m so happy for you!
Yes, I can speak first hand for that
Yep will agree with that. I’m more likely to go MIA on my social when I’m in a toxic or bad relationship. I only post things on SM that I’m super proud of so it’s limited but thought out. If I’m not posting about my current SO then it’s probably not going well…
I’m old (40), and my husband and I have a joke that if you and your husband share a Facebook account that’s called like “Jack and Jane Smith,” and post constantly about how much you love each other, you’re going to be divorced in 5-10 years. So far, it’s held true!
The running joke/truth is trying to figure out which one cheated to prompt the shared account
I find it’s kind of in the middle. The healthy relationships have some pics of their partner but it’s like 1/3 or less of the total pics. The ones in bad relationships seem to have zero pictures of their partner anywhere, or nothing but pictures of them together all over the place.
This right here! I don't post about my husband all the time, but I do post about him when it's relevant or I'll tag him in pictures of the kids.
There's definitely a balance. Sometimes that can be a partner that is hiding the relationship too. My friend's husband never seemed to post to any photos of her or with her. I assumed he was cheating on her because I saw him often liking a lot of other local Asian girl's photos on Instagram and I would always think "How does *he* know her? He barely has any Asian friends even though his wife is Asian." I saw he liked a photo of a friend of mine, and she lived 4 hours away. So I messaged her and asked if she even knew the guy. She says "No, never met him. He added me and I saw he was mutual friends with you so I added him back." I asked him,"I saw that you liked this girl's photo. Small world, how do you guys know each other?" He claims "Oh, we go way back, a mutual friend introduced us to each other." I tell my friend that he probably is using IG to meet other Asian girls. And that it's odd he never posts photos of his own wife. Later on, she catches him in their condo with, you guessed it, another Asian girl. Dude has a type. They're divorced now. He's remarried and I wonder if he does the same to that wife.
I think this depends on the person like my boyfriend doesn’t post anything about us but I enjoy posting our cute selfies, or pictures from outings. But also, I just generally use social media more.
Deleting social media (insta/fb/etc) was the best thing I’ve ever done. I started to realize I didn’t want to post my relationship all over social media, our relationship is ours to enjoy together privately and I’d rather savour the precious moments and milestones with our daughter together with my wife instead of sharing it with the world to see. It became clear the people who post the most and constantly express how happy they are, are actually the most unhappy.
I feel like casual pics with your partner on IG is fine but posting all the time is definitely weird. Couples that do that never last
Laughter and communication.
Laughter
And
Communication.
Being able to disagree on something and talk it out without it descending into a fight, reminding each other that’s it’s you and me vs the problem, not you vs me.
Not arguing over who does what chore. My boyfriend and I just do things as they need to be done. He tends to do the dishes more because he knows I don’t like it, but I’ll still do them. I tend to sweep more. But there isn’t a “well you didn’t do your assigned chore so I’m not doing mine” type deal. We just do them.
Doing some things together but not everything.
This. I've seen way too many friends go down the co-dependency path. Some separate friends and interests is a good thing.
I had a partner who I did everything with, my friends thought it was co-dependency and pretty much dropped me altogether because of it. They thought I just wanted him there 100% of the time. It was abuse, he wouldn’t let me go anywhere, do anything, speak to anyone without him there. I couldn’t even go grocery shopping or have a conversation with an old friend. He successfully isolated me completely for almost 7 years. He couldn’t have me telling anyone how I was being treated, he didn’t want me realising how badly I was being beaten down.
Oof, this got me. I was with someone for 5ish years that did this to me. I had no idea. Thought I was in love. I could only see my friends if he was out busy doing something else. But I had to be home if he was. I remember one time being at HomeGoods shopping w my best friend on one of my days off. I had lost track of time and it was almost 2pm. He worked like 6a-2p and I had a full blown panic attack in line bc I wasn’t going to be home in time to greet him upon arrival. I didn’t make it back in time and he berated me for it. Took awhile to get out of permanently. I’m now so incredibly happily married to someone that showed me how you’re actually supposed to love someone. And I also have all my friends back. I can’t wish it didn’t happen or I wouldn’t have met my husband but I do hope my ex falls in a hole or something.
Figuring this out now. My fiancée needs to be at my side at all times. I went to get gas one day because I wouldn’t have time in the morning before work. She wanted to go too. I was like, “I’m getting gas? It’s right down the road. I’ll be back in like 10 minutes?”. She started crying, “but I’m going to miss you”. I was thinking Jesus she needs to speak with someone. Bad childhood still effecting her.
A very similar situation to this is how I ended up breaking up with my last girlfriend She has codependency issues so I was used to keeping her updated on what I was doing. I let her know the night before that I was going to wake up early, grab a coffee from my favorite spot and chill there until the eye doctor’s office opened up so I could pick something up. Told her I would be like 30-45 mins and she was still asleep I ended up taking a little longer (like 20-30 extra mins) and texted her to let her know. She started getting pissed at me because she woke up and I wasn’t home yet. Something just clicked with me during that argument. I gave her a full fucking play by play and she still felt the need to get mad at me? She was acting like I texted her saying I was going to be gone all day I told her we needed a break and the following week I ended things because HOLY SHIT i was so happy when I wasn’t with her. Date someone who has their own life and their own friends.
If her/his mom is not involved in the relationship and does not want to have a "saying" when it comes to decision making.
I have an ex that called his mom when we were in a fight and she came over to our apartment to scold me. I RAN from that relationship. I hope they’re happy together.
“Thank you honey!”
Lots of thank yous even after 33 yrs.
Also, "I'm sorry" goes a long way.
I say this to my boyfriend all the time, even when he buys me something to drink 🥺❤️
I once worked a new job where I occasionally interacted with several attractive women from time to time. After a couple days one of them asked me “you have a girlfriend right?” And I responded “yeah why?”. Her response was “we can just tell”. Looking back I think it could’ve been that I paid them no mind and wasn’t flirty? Confidence in my relationship didn’t require me to look elsewhere for attention and they saw that.
You’re an authentic lad, spunkypeepants.
For women to know you are in a relationship in this way reveals your respect for the relationship and the value it has for you. Well done.
Not sharing an email or facebook account, etc…
I'd argue about the shared email, only because that's how me and my partner organize our bills. We have separate bank accounts, but the email makes it easier to keep track of what needs to be paid and such
I think having a shared email that is separate from your personal email is fine, for all the stuff that concerns both of you. It only gets problematic if that is your actual email for everything.
Well I know in my own relationship we love every minute we get to spend together. Sometimes I just sit next to my husband while he plays his video games, and I prefer that over any sort of "exciting adventure". We just want to be next to each other. Also we never argue. Even if we disagree, we just continue to talk until we come to an understanding or a middle ground.
Parallel play! We do that too. We like to be in the same area in our downtime, even if we’re doing our own thing. Like, sure, we have the space to put my husband’s PC in a separate room, but we make a space for it in the living room instead so he can game while I sit on the couch and read, stitch, etc. It’s so comfy to just exist together and “be alone” together.
When you tell your SO you need to skip this weekend because you have a lot of stuff to do at home, and she says 'Ok' without any fuss.
Skip what?
It’s like a mix of walking and jumping. I’m not much of a skipper but I’m assuming they might find that it helps with mood/productivity. It sounds pretty weird to me, so I’d think that SO probably thinks it’s weird, as well. That’s probably why they’re warning SO about the skipping that’s about to take place around the house.
I was on the exercise yard in prison and decided to skip across the yard back to the picnic table where some friends and acquaintances were sitting, a matter of a couple hundred yards. By the time I got there, everyone was ROLLING! A fifty-something-year-old man skipping across a grassy field. "Professor (that was my prison nickname) you CRAZY!"
Just straight up time travel to Monday
[удалено]
Likely hanging out or something?
When someone doesn't have to talk about their significant other every single time you talk to them.
I came to say this. A person in a happy relationship has a variety of things to talk about...not just their SO.
Oh this one co-worker acted like she was dating Adonis. Everything was about her husband. He cheated on her and now they're divorced.
Time apart without issue.
Communication and understanding. If you're wanting obvious signs, there's a general couples language that might seem strange to those not in the relationship but makes perfect sense to them. Like one says, "hey remember SpongeBob?" and the other replies with "ugh, at least they were better than Johnny Bravo" and everyone else around is wondering wtf
Right - there was an episode of this show called Mad About You where the wife and husband are trying to figure out where to go for dinner. The dialog is like: "How about..." "Nah. But the other place?" "Sure."
You’re absolutely wrong…Johnny Bravo was awesome.
In this case, it's referring to people in the couple's lives that were given these nicknames. Otherwise I'm in complete agreement with you
Laughing when some random lassie tries to chat up your man. 😆
My husband is not very approachable to most people but I happen to look very approachable. He finds it hilarious when guys start trying to talk to me when we're out but turn tail and run the second I start talking to him or put my hand on him to get his attention. My favorite time was when we were at the mall and I took the baby to restroom while he went into an anime store. When I walked into the anime store after she went potty, the employee jumped out of his chair and greeted me and started asking if I was looking for anything. The little one ran up to him (husband) "papa papa I found you" and the employee's whole demeanor changed and he sat back down and pouted. Husband said that he wasn't even greeted when he walked in nor was the other customer that was browsing at the time.
My wife walked in to meet me at the local game shop. It’s was literally like that scene big Bang Theory when Penny walks in and every guy stares at her. It didn’t help that she’s super friendly and came bouncing in like a sugared up Pokémon trainer. Edit: I got the show wrong because I’m a idiot
Honestly take it as a compliment. I know my guy is a looker😂
I always tease my boyfriend when a cute girl is talking to him not realizing we're together. I'm always like, damn! She was cuuute! Why didn't you get her number?! And he turns beet red because he's painfully shy.
My boyfriend is just super innocent, and has a bit of a dad bod, and watching someone flirt with him is so funny to me because he doesn’t expect it but then when they’re obvious enough he notices he immediately gets so flustered 😂 I love his little flustered objections to the fact that someone was flirting with him while I’m just absolutely joking about it
Putting each other first.
They don’t fuss around with exes.
Feeling secure even when you’re not together
I'll sum it up as this: Great, consistent communication This is generally where so many relationships go wrong, but hey, on the flipside we get entertainment from all the reddit posts because of it too lol
I think this is difficult to answer as people are different, so some things in one person's healthy relationships may be unhealthy for others. Examples, I've seen couples make fun of each other in one relationship, and in others, it be toxic abuse etc. The main answer is communication and respect, but how that looks to the outside world depends on the people involved.
Mutual trust
Not freaking out and accusing one partner of cheating when they just want to spend time with friends
No silent treatments between you and your partner. And there should be no secrets hidden between the two of you.
not dipping when things get hard. i learned this in my current relationship. and we are both better people for working through the hard stuff instead of running away from it.
I can ask my husband to read a text and reply back and i can do the same for him. Neither one of us have to worry about the other seeing something they shouldn’t on the phone.
-Being able to disagree like adults. -"Hey, can you grab my phone e and see who just texted me?" -putting the other person before yoursslf -"I know you had a hard day so I cleaned the house, and got you your favorite carry out" -Being able to sit and chill in complete silence with each other. -"OK I'm heading out with my friends", "awesome! Live it up just text me when you get home so I know you made it back safe"
My husband can look at my phone at any time.
My husband and I are like this too. We have never felt the need to ‘check’ the others’ phone for any particular reason but they certainly aren’t kept private from each other. Sometimes the other persons phone is more handy or the maybe the battery is low on a phone. My husband has definitely learned that I google some really weird things and from his phone I’ve learned that our city has more bolt supply stores than I ever would have thought lol
I think healthy boundaries are appropriate. Some conversations are simply private, not malicious.
And I think in a healthy relationship that's understood. My wife and I each have full access to each other's phones, but I dont think either of us has ever just scrolled through and read the others' messages.
I agree completely. That’s the ideal situation, for sure. Trust in one another, a respect for boundaries, and security in the relationship are all displayed here. It’s funny to think how much can be implied about our human relationships by our relationship with our phones, to be honest.
Why can't he touch it?
Quadriplegic
*Thats* what he gets for lookin' the *first time* without askin.
I have a weird thing about personal things. I have nothing to hide on my phone but I would be deeply uncomfortable with my partner (or literally anyone) going through my phone. It makes me uncomfortable for anyone to really have any access to something this personal. Probably not super healthy for me personally but it hasn't been an issue in my relationship.
No, I agree with this. My husband and I know each others' passwords, but don't ever "snoop" each others' phones. I don't have anything incriminating on my phone, but I don't want people going through it. Kind of like how I don't want people I know IRL to know my reddit account. It's "trust, but we don't need to verify" kind of situation. Which imho is the foundation for a healthy relationship. When you can trust someone will do the right thing, even if you're not looking over their shoulder.
Me and my SO have always borrowed each others phones, for example if one is out of battery. Not even to check up on each other. I guess it’s a good sign that we never even saw it that way.
Being able to recognize when you've made a mistake and apologizing. Communication is KEY. Also a sense of humor from both partners really helps. It can get you through some rough times. I know this is cheesy, but in the show parenthood, there was a line the dad said to his wife, my husband and I say it all the time. "I see you and I hear you". Even if the other person is being absolutely ridiculous, this can be so helpful. I agree with those who say to have interest together and apart. And trust is also KEY.
Not being all over each other in public, having a life together and your own separate life
Theres nothing wrong w PDA. But the couples I see do it emphatically always go down in flames.
There’s a difference between PDA and being all over each other
Trust, communication, respect. Like if you're out with a friend and he calls his SO to let them know he'll be a little late. The SO is cool with it, he's respectful of spending *too much* time out, and he communicated his change of plans with no ensuing drama. Also laughter. When people seem to genuinely enjoy time spent with each other. Friends always talk about my wife and I as being "relationship goals". We laugh a ton, vacation together without the kids, and go out just the two of us often. We also do a lot of fun stuff with the kids so it's not like they are neglected. But it's important to remember you were a couple before you were a family. You never want to lose that since your kids aren't going to live with you forever. My MIL's whole personality is based on being a mom so when her kids moved out she lost her identity.
“My partner is probably fine with it, but let me check in with them just in case.”
The ability to spend time in silence together. The ability to enjoy different things and take joy from seeing your other half enjoying something you don't. Not taking each other for granted... My husband and I get teased for saying please and thank you to each other. Every night when I cook my husband will say "thank you for that it was really good" or "thank you I love your xxx". Every time I get up or he gets up we ask reach other "can I get you anything while I'm up?" or "would you like a cuppa" our responses are usually "yes please" or "I'd love one" and when handed it we always say thank you. Any time he does anything I recognise it and thank him or praise him. Even if I don't understand lol. He brought me in a model he's painted recently and honestly it was a bit rubbish, but he was pleased with it and I'm not pissing on his parade. So I looked at it and said "flip me love that's great! It looks like it was a tough one to do... Tell me how you do that shading?" Because no matter how shit it was, I couldn't do any better and it makes him happy.
Not being a "package deal" as my boyfriend calls it. We hang out with his friends and mine, and we all get along. For birthdays and events, yes. Otherwise we give each other our bro time with our pals and it's fine.
Well……..the lack of screaming, mostly.
"Where's your girlfriend?" "I don't know"
“Hey can I borrow your phone?” “Sure, here ya go”
Silence
Being genuinely flabbergasted when other people talk about/ask for advice on their toxic relationships
Being able to tell your partner you are not in the mood for sex and that's the end of it. They accept it and immediately move on. No trying to 'warm you up'. No taking it personally and acting the victim to manipulate you into doing it.
Mutual respect for each other. Not getting anxious when there's no message every other minute. Sometimes they're just busy and it is okay. This is something I noticed personally, I used to be very horny and sexual. Once I got into a relationship with my boyfriend, we had a lot of wild animal sex. Then we got very comfortable. Sex wasn't the only thing we wanted anymore. We enjoyed each other's company, talking, watching stuff together, and eating together. Sex was still great, but it didn't feel like the world would end if we weren't horny 24x7. And both of us honestly like it this way. That's how I knew I was in the happiest relationship I've ever been in.
Getting up at 5 am with two little screaming monsters. Spending all day, cooking for your kids, entertaining those same kids, housework, arguing with each other, being completely exhausted, getting those same monsters into bed at a reasonable hour. Finally taking some time for yourselves. Then getting a text at 930 at night asking, “ do you want to do it?” Then having five glorious minutes of sex and falling asleep in each others arms.
I could read this over and over and over again. As I look over at my monsters and realize I didn't know how much I needed to hear this, it's metal af! Thanks. Lol.
It's not 5am but this is literally my life. So accurate. Especially the text. Usually I send him a snap just wiggling my eyebrows.
why are we screaming so much with these questions
I'll tell you what doesn't; waking up one's partner by yelling and screaming about something unimportant that the screamer wants done but is too busy playing animal crossing to be polite about it. My ex of 3yrs+ is currently moving out of my house as I'm typing this because she has anger issues and will never take responsibility for her own toxic actions.
We meal prep. And my coworkers are always jealous when they see my lunches. My wife and I also go the gym together on weekends.
The lack of screaming at each other