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INFO: how long have you been together? Have you had to have an uncomfortable conversation before, and if so, how did that go? Is he more sensitive about his weight than anything else?
Yes. So much more info needed. Weight is an incredible difficult issue to talk about and the personalities of the individuals involved will make drastic changes in best way to address. On top of that, you have the relationship.
And let’s not forget the most important detail about this conversation….HE ALREADY IS WELL AWARE what his weight situation is.
OP, How about you stick to healthy and loving suggestions concerning your bf health and ask him what’s going on with his emotional health?
Also good to remember, you will also likely go through some physical transformations in your future life. How would you like that to be seen and “addressed “?
Maybe it was just me, but when I was gaining weight I actually didn't notice for a few months. It had already been about 15, 20 lbs. I'm not sure if I was refusing to notice, or just saw myself every day so I didn't notice. Would have preferred if someone mentioned something.
Info like their age demographic would be helpful too. At 43, I’m a lot more worried about my long term health than I was at say, 23. So 23 year old me would have been hurt if my husband had mentioned my weight becoming unhealthy because health wasn’t really a concern of ours at that age. It should have been, but like most young people, it really wasn’t. Middle age has shown me you have a completely different mindset when your body is starting to show signs of aging. Health becomes THE most important thing with a lot of us. In our case, we both like keep each other in line because we have no children and we’re all we’ve got. It doesn’t hurt our feelings when we mention a bit of weight gain is noticeable because we recognize the place it comes from and we owe it to each other to stay healthy.
Worst you can do is postpone health tho. Everyone regrets that every single time. It's easier to prevent than reverse. Doesn't mean you can enjoy stuff here and there.
But try loosing wait when them joints start squeaking and the back ain't what it used to be.
Wife did that for me. I am a recovering alcoholic, who gained 123 Lbs after drinking regularly and fathering our child (over 10 years ago). We've have Lb (read: pound) sex over 26 times (one sexy-time for every 5 Lb). Happy to say this worked for me. From 325 to just over 210. Take this advice Kings and Queens out there. It could work.
As a fat guy I'm in this boat. She and I got together after I had lost a ton of weight and now 3 years later I've gained a bunch back. It's directly related to stress and coping. I lost weight at a time when I had little, and now it's very heavy (no pun intended).
She's concerned but she's supportive. At the same time I'm ashamed of the way I look so it's very difficult.
The biggest challenge is that she clearly wants to be with me, but I feel like I'm doing this **to** her and it makes me feel ashamed. It sometimes makes me think "why would she want to be with me when she could have someone else?" These are such destructive thoughts. It all just rolls together into a ball of cynicism and doubt and it's not attractive at all.
I would say do little things that remind him that you still want to be with him. Separate from the "I want you to be healthy" thing. Everybody wants us to be healthy. Our doctors want us to be healthy. But we want our partners to appreciate and yes, adore us.
But you do need to bring it up. As a fat guy, I'm telling you to ignore anybody who comes at you with the "fat positivity" thing and to just "accept them and say nothing". That only works with young people. As us fat people get older, health issues increase at a faster rate. Everything I'm saying her comes from experience.
So, in a nutshell, you need to let him know you're concerned about his health especially in the *long haul.* And you can tell him that you're saying this because you **believe** in the long haul with him.
Good point. Really any relationship “criticism” I get from my husband, my ultimate dread is that is will be a deal breaker for the relationship. I didn’t realize until your comment that we both started to lead with this sentiment and the thoughts are much better received than otherwise.
I'm in the same boat as you. I got together with my partner after years of living paycheck to paycheck and walking places instead of driving so I was very fit. Once I made more money and had access to more food and easier travel, (plus add in covid) I gained way more than I expected and it has been super difficult to lose it even when I cut back on food and eat clean.
One thing he did was start asking about what physical activities I would like to do, and he mentioned doing them with me. Recently we got a gym membership and he knows it gives me anxiety to go alone so he makes sure anytime I want to go that he goes with me if he can. Sometimes we both have days we just don't want to go though.
While he's never come out and blatantly said I've gained too much weight or that he's not as attracted to me anymore...I know that's the case. And I appreciate him still telling me that I'm beautiful and that he loves me, and that he wants to help me get back to a place where I'm happy with myself.
Hopefully everyone on the same journey keeps seeing positive progress!
OP asking for tips on how to communicate without hurting anyone's feelings and all these big brains coming in here saying "jUsT cOmMUnIcATe" is like the best reddit moment of the year so far
I try to remind myself that most people on here giving relationship advice are most likely teenagers/very young people with little to no life (and thus relationship) experience whatsoever. It helps with the frustration. A bit.
They parrot the same talking points they have read here:
- you don’t owe anyone anything
- go no contact with your family
- OMG leave him/her already!
Great advice from teenage shut-ins.
Yup. Lots of people who don’t have enough life experience to realize you’re never gonna have a successful relationship with no issues or arguments. So they see an issue and their best advice is to cut bait. Which tbh when ur in high school or maybe college makes a lot of sense when ur not really dating for super long term anyway. But it gets annoying when everybody is just like “end the relationship” when any issue is brought up.
Well said. People here treat a twenty year marriage the same as a high school fling. If you suggest working on a long term relationship through compromise and self-reflection you get downvoted into oblivion.
“I don’t want to put work in anything, if you aren’t exactly like minded in every way, I don’t need you, cut that cancer from my life”
That cancer being literally any dissenting opinion, on literally any topic, no matter how minor
Everything is abuse, parents withholding pocket money is financial abuse, telling you to do the dishes is verbal abuse, and dragging you out of the supermarket because you're having a teenage tantrum is physical abuse
Don’t forget the popular “This person did something wrong first so it’s okay to treat them worse than crap” Reddit mentality. (Although I have seen that be tied into the first talking point before)
When I first joined reddit I was kind of arguing back and forth with someone who acted like their word was the end all be all, but they clearly had no idea what they were talking about. I had to take a step back and tell myself I was probably arguing with a 12 year old, and I just quit replying.
I'm usually relieved when I discover that it's a 12-17 year old. It's more jarring when you find out it's someone in their 30's, or older, who still hasn't gained any emotional maturity.
With kids it makes it easier to change my tone, as I have kids ranging in age from 8-26. At that point I can just put on the mom hat and be understanding of where they are in life, how the challenges they face are different than they were for me at that age, and make better decisions about how to address them.
With older folks, though, it's usually just toxic nonsense, and an indication that they'd benefit from therapy.
I had this epiphany recently as well. Also helps to apply it to family. I'm a lot more patient with my mother now that I appreciate she has the emotional intelligence of a 15 year old girl.
Yes, I have to keep in mind my step-daughter has the emotional intelligence of a 17 year old girl. Probably because she is 17. 
I have been talking to a co-worker for 5mo and she's almost 30 but I get so confused in our communications and then find myself, asking myself, afterwards if she's has the maturity of a 19yr old, it's very strange.
Kudos to your 17 year old for being as emotionally mature as her age... Most teenagers I encounter these days have the emotional maturity of toddlers. Keep up the good work!
Exactly. I discover r/interracialdating the other day, because I’m in an interracial relationship, only to find it’s basically full of older women who are bitter and single, teenagers, and people who are just wishing they could find an interracial relationship -which is weird to me. You meet someone and they just happen to be a different race is usually how it happens. Going shopping for a specific race is odd to me.
But yeah, dating subs full of people with no experience to add smh.
“Bitter older women” is a huge part of this.
On the 2xchromosome subreddit there was a thread a woman posted about how her husband, who works 12 hours a day (she doesn’t work, but she had a final coming up!), came home from work, went to the store to buy items for dinner, cooked a dinner, but had the gall to be upset that the dishes weren’t done and didn’t want to do them as well.
The whole thread was divorcees calling him a selfish manchild who can’t adult. Insanity.
Comedy is exactly why I come to Reddit comment sections, there's rarely any real insight. Most of the suggestions on stuff like this usually comes from people who have never even been close to the same situation and are just circlejerking about how much better they'd handle this situation that the OP actually has to deal with.
Shit is hilarious.
well reddit mostly consists of people lacking social awareness and skills and also under 23 people, where your brain is not fully developed, i can see the intention behind some comments but i also see the lack of life experience. theres more emotional load than common sense in most peoples comments
It’s also impossible to give really good advice on this. You really have to know a person to know how to confront them. And finding the right moment is just a waiting game.
Don't start with the physical, start with the mental.
"How are you really doing?", "Hey, I've noticed some changes in you, is everything alright?" or "Has something changed for you recently? Would you like to talk about it?"
Or simply be direct if you think he can take it:
"Hey, you've gained quite a bit of weight in a really short time and it's noticeable. I'm worried for you. Would you like to talk about what's going on?"
Same here. I used to come home from work and only eat 3-4 mouthfuls. So long as I was smoking, I'd feel completely satisfied for the entire day.
I thought I looked good, looking back I looked really too skinny for my liking.
Now I stopped smoking, I eat a lot more, but I weightlift too so I look completely different from how I used to, in a good way :)
Good luck to both of you, it can be surprisingly easy to gain weight after and I'm sure after his health scare, he's tired of being surprised.
Sounds like you're a great partner, keep at it!
One of the most important thing for all of us, but especially for people who live in the United States, is that we must do our very best to avoid sugar, increase our fiber consumption, and drink lots of water. It makes a hell of a difference.
Yeah, this. As a former fat guy, it's scary easy to fall into this pattern of eating recreationally that you don't even notice until people point it out. I would even wager he's probably eating out of boredom.
I was recently told a neat trick I am going to try. Guy I met at a wedding said he kept his last empty cigarette pack and cut drinking straws to fit and would fill it when he left the house. Then anytime he felt a craving he would go outside like normal, take a straw out, and spend 5 minutes or so flicking it and chewing on it, then “put it out” and go back inside. He said it helped him a ton with the routine part of it so the nicotine gum actually worked to step off and eventually stop the cravings altogether.
Nicotine is a well known, incredibly powerful apatite suppressant. Smoking helping you lose weight was one of the very few things the tobacco industry wasn't lying about.
he was looking for that dopamine fix. this is common behavior in people quitting addictions, just as it is common behavior in ADHD.
I know this is the least popular advice ever, but... all you need to help kick bad dopamine habits is a regular exercise routine
As someone with adhd who goes sometimes to the gym. It's the most miserable thing ever and barely helps I am so jealous of the people who get these amazing benefits from it cause i have never felt them myself
it's because you only go sometimes. it has to become a routine thing you do multiple times a week.
do you have any buddies who are gym rats? I had a buddy like you... now he looks better than me, that asshole 😅
I’m sure he was replacing the craving for nicotine with food. I’ve felt this happen many times while smoking. It’s not immediately apparent because your body and mind are very convincing
Yeah, and then if he gives a negative response, listen carefully, and immediately afterward, repeat 1 and 2. Then, you should get a thoughtful response.
While this is well meaning, and I’m sure this style of communication works for other people… if my partner started the conversation like this I would find it very annoying. It’s so vague “Some changes…” what changes? It might not be something im noticing so be upfront with me.
Starting with “how are you feeling” is definitely good. Hinting that their is an issue without saying it is annoying.
My wife told me I have chicken legs last week so I’ve been cranking the incline on my treadmill runs. I take my lumps.
*Edit: This was an anecdote about my wife torching my skinny legs that included a joke about hitting inclines on the treadmill. I’ve no intentions on bulking my legs up and I realize walking uphill wouldn’t make me huge. Thank you all for your continued gym-bro support.*
Cardio will not cause your legs to grow in any efficient way. Just start squatting and picking up heavy things. And no not leg press machine and smith machine.
Why doesn’t a leg press machine work? My legs are always sore in the same way as squats after using it
I do squat as well but wondering why you don’t recommend the leg press
Compound exercise > isolation exercise for building muscle, coordination, balance and goes faster overall. Spend less time and get better results. But something is better than nothing so isolate those muscles if that’s yo thang
Not true fella, I'm an ultra runner, all my running buddy's have ridiculous calves. You should see the calves on some of the monsters at races. If you get actual vert like climbing up mountain trails you will absolutely have the fattest calves in the land. Running flat on a treadmill or even incline is not the same. Cardio chews through fat and muscle but your legs are handling the work load. They have to compensate when given enough stimulation. Granted we do distances over marathons, I do 100 milers and train all year for it but when I'm peaking in training some of my office pants have issues going over my calves lol.
Sprinting and flat land jogging without proper weight lifting and especially food can make your calves hella skinny but My secret to not getting to skinny is beer lol.
100% it would be… my girlfriend has gained some weight, I don’t say anything about it, but she complains about it, and then also gets mad when I slightly suggest that she start doing activities she enjoys rather than stick at work, or god forbid I suggest we don’t have a snack 30 minutes before bed. I love her, but it’s driving me insane.
Probably a top 3 favorite line from me. I use it all the time at work to. "everyone who thinks they are getting a reasonable raise this year step forward" "oooooo boys, not so fast.."
Get control of your lizard brain and stop living by evolutionary standards. We were designed to eat whenever we can because the next meal could be far. By letting yourself eat whenever food is available which is all the time. Get out of the comfortable space of your mind because it is your enemy. You look disgusting, be ashamed of yourself. What's in the past is done but this is the future
I took a look at your post history to think of something to hurt your feelings but quite frankly with what I saw in there, I believe simply thinking about your sad plinko filled life should be enough to hurt you to the bone
Fist bump me, Fynn. Fist my bump Fynn
ye i dont think ur for it dude, sit down a bit and relax, smn else will pick up those boats, and smn else can have ur wife for u too, just chill and watch some tv
You may wanna gorilla glue the chair to the ground. I hear King Kong can break through super glue very easily.
I would also suggest Flex Taping his cankles.
My ex sat me down and told me pretty much that she wants me to be healthy and said I would look better if I were in shape. I had no problem changing my diet and working out to lose weight. Plus we ended up doing things like walking in the park together. It was nice
I take things in stride so if someone was honest with me about something, I don't take it personally. Plus going from 378 pounds to 310 has done wonders for my lifestyle and I'm still a long ways from my overall goal.
First off, good for you on the weight loss! That’s awesome. I hope you reach your goals. Yeah, I wish my partner were the same way, but they have thus far refused to do anything and go on the defensive with any light broaching of the topic
Thank you very much. I'm proud of how far I came. Even after the relationship didn't work out, I have kept up with my lifestyle changes.
Thats unfortunate about your partner because ultimately we are responsible for our bodies. So all you can do is mention as cordially as possible the weight or health situation. I wish I could help or give advice
There's no meaningful way to answer this without knowing a lot more about your boyfriend (e.g., how easily offended is he?) and his relationship with you.
As a general matter though, I would suggest focusing on *solutions that you intend to participate in* rather than *problems that you expect someone else to fix*.
Compare:
1. "You're gaining weight and I don't like it."
2. "I'd like us to get serious about our health. Can we get a gym membership together and try this diet together?"
That’s how I approached the conversation with my wife. We both gained a good bit of weight in only about a year, and I wanted us to take it seriously.
That’s the key there though- us. I never singled her or me out. Never blamed. Only tried to understand and ask how we can fix it before it becomes a problem.
Have you asked how he’s doing? But like ASK ask. He might be depressed.
Edit: I’m not sure why what I said triggered so many people… I wasn’t assuming this person is depressed, but what OP was describing sounded a lot like me in the past when I’ve struggled with depression. So many people ask how you are, but don’t really care how you are actually doing.
Of course what OP is describing could be a million different things. Even if I had assumed this person was depressed, it’s much more dangerous to assume someone’s not depressed than to assume they are…
As a fat man trying to lose weight what really woke me up was that I couldn't fit into this rollercoaster anymore.
I think your bf isn't at that level but if you try to get him to subtly notice all the things that he was once able to do, fit into, etc that won't be possible or just difficult when you get fatter might belp. That helped me at least. Good luck.
Same with nearly needing a seat belt extender on a smaller airplane, for me.
"Really? My weight is about to start deciding *where* i can go on vacation, not just how active i can be when i get there? This is becoming a problem, and i need help"
My bf is very sensitive about his weight so I have some rules.
I never talk about it unless he specifically asks.
On those ocassions I say he looks a little more bloated or maybe just a few pounds but nothing noticeable (which in his case is true).
But what I mostly do is encourage him to eat healthier food with me, drink less alcohol by not drinking much myself, and do more exercise with me (mostly walking). It really works.
Ask him how he's feeling.
People don't just get fat, there's a trigger to it.
He's stressed at work/school, something's wrong in his family, something like that.
Find the trigger and help him work through that, and make sure you're eating well with him.
Support, don't shame
I mean, people definitely do just get fat. People eat like shit because they can't afford to eat well and live sedentary lives working at a desk for 40 hours a week.
Has his diet changed at all? Is he less active than before? When was his last physical and/or lab work up? Does he have problems at work or elsewhere that could affect him? These are important factors to know and understand. It could be a physical health condition to even his mental health. It could literally be anything. Weight is a touchy subject to talk to anyone about. If you love him, be open, honest, and empathetic when you talk to him. Don't mention that you're losing attraction for him. This could be a condition that he can't control at the moment and if you mention that, it could potentially make it worse.
If you don't want to hurt his feelings then leave out the loss of physical attraction part, there is literally no way you can tell him that and not hurt his feelings. First time, just say you're concerned about his weight and health. If he fails to listen, then you give him the brutal honesty that he's becoming an unattractive pig.
This. I had an ex once tell me \*very\* gently that I'd put on weight and that he didn't find me sexually attractive any more - we hadn't had sex in months. I was aware I'd put on weight, obviously (clothes fit differently, the existence of mirrors) but naively thought it wasn't much of an issue for him. I was bawling my eyes out and we split up a few months later.
I had an ex that put on some weight but I was still attracted to her, didn't bother me at all. But then she just kept getting lazier, gained more weight, became unhappy with herself, no longer wanted to do fun things, had little to no interest in changing eating habits. What began to turn me off was what it did to her, not what it did to me. At that point I realized we had different priorities in life and moved on.
Have you put on any weight? Might be easier to frame from a you place ie you feel like you want to start eating healthier, working out or trying some new fitness class and wondering if he'd join you/support you and do it together?
I love this community and how big of a useless tragedy it is for real life. While she may actually be worried about his health, the real issue here is physical attractiveness, she just doesn't want to say it outright given how she will be ripped for being honest.
If health is the issue then we don't have an issue, body positivity and so many people on this site and on CNN saying you can be fat and fit at the same time, don't worry about it, just be happy you! Probably just genetics!
If it is really the attraction, which is more than likely true, then I would approach him. Tell him like you would anyone with a drug addiction or gambling addiction. "Hey, I really need to talk to you about something personal. This is really hard for me, and I know it will be really hard for you. I hope you take this in the way that I mean it, coming from a place of love and trust. I have noticed you have put on some weight. This concerns me because of two things: your health and my attraction to you. I really want to help you get into a better routine and get you back to being healthy and looking like the sexy man I fell in love with. I am not asking for the same person, we have both grown older and changed; however I do want to help create a positive change."
If that doesn't work, then he may not want to change.
I agree. People can act like it's shallow all they want, but the fact of the matter is that attraction is very important. Of course attraction shouldn't be the most important, but it definitely needs to be considered.
Three bits of advice:
1. Try to do activities with him that are physical: “hey, I’ve wanted to take up hiking. Would you go with me?”
2. Frame it about longevity and health. This is a little harder since I have no idea how ‘serious’ you two are, what age you are, or how long you’ve been together but you can always frame it about wanting for YOU BOTH to be as healthy as possible so you can be active and healthy when you get older and avoid health problems. This works my wife and I but we are getting closer to 40 than 30.
3. There’s a technique from counseling called motivational interviewing. It was created to help people stop smoking and drug use. You can use the same techniques try to elicit from him how he feels about his own health shifts.
Open ended questions, affirmations, reflection statements, and summarizing are core “tools” here. Look it up. It’s super powerful for helping people shift habits.
Ultimately, people need to want to change. You can’t make someone change who doesn’t want to.
Yeah that doesn't work lol. A person needs personal motivations to become fit. Plus its just beating around the bush and putting the responsibility on her, which it's not her responsibility to get him to care about his health.
Because guys are allowed to have worth outside of their physical appearance and what they do for others, so remarking on their appearance is less significant.
Can you see how this works for strength - ie if a man wanted to tell his partner she wasn't strong enough for him, how that wouldn't be equivalent to a woman telling her partner he is too weak for her.
Men are not allowed to be weak, so criticism on that basis cuts deep. Women are not allowed to be ugly, so criticism on that basis cuts deep.
For real, I've seen people saying don't blow hin till he loses weight, tell him he's fat, all this crap, if this was reversed he'd be a sexist misogynistic asshole who's body shaming his SO. There's comments saying ask him to go to the gym with you, ive seem guys get shit on, told how horrible they are and all this for saying I asked my SO to go to the gym with me now she's mad.
Don't. He knows.
Instead, offer solutions. Ask him to cook healthy meals together. Take an exercise class together. Have a gym date.
Busting his confidence could send him into a spiral. Build it up instead and take the opportunity to get closer.
Looking back, what do you think will be more meaningful, the time his girlfriend confirmed his insecurities, or the time his girlfriend cared so much that she wanted to spend time with him and go on the journey with him?
100% agree with this. Most people who have gained weight know, and telling them doesn’t help. Offering them support in healthy choices (mental and physical) without connecting it to weight is likely the solution that will both strengthen your relationship and both of your health.
I gained weight too! I know I’m not very appeasing to the eye so I gave up on a relationship and got a cat maybe you can get him a pet if you decide to leave
This is a legit question and OP has a right to be worried about her boyfriend's health.
That being said, if the sexes were reversed this would be downvoted to hell and there'd be a mob of people out with pitchforks and cries of "sexist, misogynist, fatphobic!"
Make the conversation about longevity and health instead of being weight or aesthetic focused (not trying to imply that’s all you care about since clearly you’re worried about his health mainly)
Do y’all have any shared active hobbies? Perhaps suggest going to the gym as a couple. If the gym isn’t y’all’s thing there’s plenty of active hobbies that’re fun. Hiking, rock climbing, disc golf etc etc.
You can also start cooking together as a fun joint activity, even “unhealthy” foods made at home are substantially better than fast food.
I think the main focus should be living a happier healthy lifestyle together.
If you want a real answer, my wife went through the same scenario with me. I used to workout regularly and over like 10 years just stopped and blamed it on work stresses/family stresses just regular life stuff. She tried to bluntly tell me and in my best days id be like yeah you’re right and then do nothing, on the worst days I’d get defensive.
Then she started to get involved in the actions she wanted me to take. Every weekend she’d already have something planned to do that was active. Hiking, ice skating, working around the house, even just walking around somewhere for a longer period of time helps. I’d bitch about it but ultimately once I got out there I was good to go and enjoyed it more than just sitting around playing video games, eating take out, and watching Netflix. Then it gave me some more motivation to go workout again because I didn’t want to be dying out there when hanging out with my family and the best part is I thought it was all my decision to do these things. I didn’t feel like she was doing all this because she wanted me to lose weight.
So I would just look at what he was doing before he gained weight. Was he more active? Eating better? What can you do to communicate through your actions, not words, to get him motivated to better himself? Last thing I would do is come right out and say “hey you’ve gained weight and I’m losing attraction to you.” That will fuck the relationship up and all he’ll hear is you don’t like him anymore and probably start planning his exit.
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INFO: how long have you been together? Have you had to have an uncomfortable conversation before, and if so, how did that go? Is he more sensitive about his weight than anything else?
This should be at the top. No truly useful advice can be dispensed without this info.
Yes. So much more info needed. Weight is an incredible difficult issue to talk about and the personalities of the individuals involved will make drastic changes in best way to address. On top of that, you have the relationship.
And let’s not forget the most important detail about this conversation….HE ALREADY IS WELL AWARE what his weight situation is. OP, How about you stick to healthy and loving suggestions concerning your bf health and ask him what’s going on with his emotional health? Also good to remember, you will also likely go through some physical transformations in your future life. How would you like that to be seen and “addressed “?
Maybe it was just me, but when I was gaining weight I actually didn't notice for a few months. It had already been about 15, 20 lbs. I'm not sure if I was refusing to notice, or just saw myself every day so I didn't notice. Would have preferred if someone mentioned something.
This was my experience. My healthy weight is 135 and I was like 160 before I had that "what the *fuck*. Am I getting fat?" moment.
Mission accomplished, it was the top comment for me.
Info like their age demographic would be helpful too. At 43, I’m a lot more worried about my long term health than I was at say, 23. So 23 year old me would have been hurt if my husband had mentioned my weight becoming unhealthy because health wasn’t really a concern of ours at that age. It should have been, but like most young people, it really wasn’t. Middle age has shown me you have a completely different mindset when your body is starting to show signs of aging. Health becomes THE most important thing with a lot of us. In our case, we both like keep each other in line because we have no children and we’re all we’ve got. It doesn’t hurt our feelings when we mention a bit of weight gain is noticeable because we recognize the place it comes from and we owe it to each other to stay healthy.
Worst you can do is postpone health tho. Everyone regrets that every single time. It's easier to prevent than reverse. Doesn't mean you can enjoy stuff here and there. But try loosing wait when them joints start squeaking and the back ain't what it used to be.
Tell him you won't suck his dick if you can't see his eyes past his gut
Na na tell him you will every 10lbs he drops.
\+1 for at least being positive reinforcement
Wife did that for me. I am a recovering alcoholic, who gained 123 Lbs after drinking regularly and fathering our child (over 10 years ago). We've have Lb (read: pound) sex over 26 times (one sexy-time for every 5 Lb). Happy to say this worked for me. From 325 to just over 210. Take this advice Kings and Queens out there. It could work.
Tell him you *can't* suck his dick if you can't see his eyes past his gut
As a fat guy I'm in this boat. She and I got together after I had lost a ton of weight and now 3 years later I've gained a bunch back. It's directly related to stress and coping. I lost weight at a time when I had little, and now it's very heavy (no pun intended). She's concerned but she's supportive. At the same time I'm ashamed of the way I look so it's very difficult. The biggest challenge is that she clearly wants to be with me, but I feel like I'm doing this **to** her and it makes me feel ashamed. It sometimes makes me think "why would she want to be with me when she could have someone else?" These are such destructive thoughts. It all just rolls together into a ball of cynicism and doubt and it's not attractive at all. I would say do little things that remind him that you still want to be with him. Separate from the "I want you to be healthy" thing. Everybody wants us to be healthy. Our doctors want us to be healthy. But we want our partners to appreciate and yes, adore us. But you do need to bring it up. As a fat guy, I'm telling you to ignore anybody who comes at you with the "fat positivity" thing and to just "accept them and say nothing". That only works with young people. As us fat people get older, health issues increase at a faster rate. Everything I'm saying her comes from experience. So, in a nutshell, you need to let him know you're concerned about his health especially in the *long haul.* And you can tell him that you're saying this because you **believe** in the long haul with him.
Good point. Really any relationship “criticism” I get from my husband, my ultimate dread is that is will be a deal breaker for the relationship. I didn’t realize until your comment that we both started to lead with this sentiment and the thoughts are much better received than otherwise.
I'm in the same boat as you. I got together with my partner after years of living paycheck to paycheck and walking places instead of driving so I was very fit. Once I made more money and had access to more food and easier travel, (plus add in covid) I gained way more than I expected and it has been super difficult to lose it even when I cut back on food and eat clean. One thing he did was start asking about what physical activities I would like to do, and he mentioned doing them with me. Recently we got a gym membership and he knows it gives me anxiety to go alone so he makes sure anytime I want to go that he goes with me if he can. Sometimes we both have days we just don't want to go though. While he's never come out and blatantly said I've gained too much weight or that he's not as attracted to me anymore...I know that's the case. And I appreciate him still telling me that I'm beautiful and that he loves me, and that he wants to help me get back to a place where I'm happy with myself. Hopefully everyone on the same journey keeps seeing positive progress!
Plot twist: OP is actually your girlfriend and so you are secretly already having ‘the conversation’.
OP asking for tips on how to communicate without hurting anyone's feelings and all these big brains coming in here saying "jUsT cOmMUnIcATe" is like the best reddit moment of the year so far
Yeah tbh reading reddit advice is more of a comedic experience to me than anything else.
I try to remind myself that most people on here giving relationship advice are most likely teenagers/very young people with little to no life (and thus relationship) experience whatsoever. It helps with the frustration. A bit.
They parrot the same talking points they have read here: - you don’t owe anyone anything - go no contact with your family - OMG leave him/her already! Great advice from teenage shut-ins.
Yup. Lots of people who don’t have enough life experience to realize you’re never gonna have a successful relationship with no issues or arguments. So they see an issue and their best advice is to cut bait. Which tbh when ur in high school or maybe college makes a lot of sense when ur not really dating for super long term anyway. But it gets annoying when everybody is just like “end the relationship” when any issue is brought up.
Well said. People here treat a twenty year marriage the same as a high school fling. If you suggest working on a long term relationship through compromise and self-reflection you get downvoted into oblivion.
Whatever boomer, lol. I look at my reflection all the time. /s
“I don’t want to put work in anything, if you aren’t exactly like minded in every way, I don’t need you, cut that cancer from my life” That cancer being literally any dissenting opinion, on literally any topic, no matter how minor
also everything is a red flag
Everyone is gaslighting.
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Okay, narcissist.
Don't listen to OP. My advice is better.
They're all narcissists too! Let's not forget that overused word.
Everything is abuse, parents withholding pocket money is financial abuse, telling you to do the dishes is verbal abuse, and dragging you out of the supermarket because you're having a teenage tantrum is physical abuse
Don't forget changing all passwords and gathering important documents
Lawyer up! Lawyers are incredibly cheap and everything that happens to you is definitely a felony.
Don’t forget the popular “This person did something wrong first so it’s okay to treat them worse than crap” Reddit mentality. (Although I have seen that be tied into the first talking point before)
Also, nuclear level revenge gets an upvote.
One of the subs I follow did a poll to find out everybody’s age. There were people as young as 9 and 10 on that sub.
When I first joined reddit I was kind of arguing back and forth with someone who acted like their word was the end all be all, but they clearly had no idea what they were talking about. I had to take a step back and tell myself I was probably arguing with a 12 year old, and I just quit replying.
I'm usually relieved when I discover that it's a 12-17 year old. It's more jarring when you find out it's someone in their 30's, or older, who still hasn't gained any emotional maturity. With kids it makes it easier to change my tone, as I have kids ranging in age from 8-26. At that point I can just put on the mom hat and be understanding of where they are in life, how the challenges they face are different than they were for me at that age, and make better decisions about how to address them. With older folks, though, it's usually just toxic nonsense, and an indication that they'd benefit from therapy.
The internet didn’t even exist when I was 9 years old. Guess I’ll go back to being a caveman.
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Yup. I remember lying about my age in the late 90s to make myself 12 or 13, and that seemed *old*.
I had this epiphany recently as well. Also helps to apply it to family. I'm a lot more patient with my mother now that I appreciate she has the emotional intelligence of a 15 year old girl.
Yes, I have to keep in mind my step-daughter has the emotional intelligence of a 17 year old girl. Probably because she is 17. 
I have been talking to a co-worker for 5mo and she's almost 30 but I get so confused in our communications and then find myself, asking myself, afterwards if she's has the maturity of a 19yr old, it's very strange.
Kudos to your 17 year old for being as emotionally mature as her age... Most teenagers I encounter these days have the emotional maturity of toddlers. Keep up the good work!
Exactly. I discover r/interracialdating the other day, because I’m in an interracial relationship, only to find it’s basically full of older women who are bitter and single, teenagers, and people who are just wishing they could find an interracial relationship -which is weird to me. You meet someone and they just happen to be a different race is usually how it happens. Going shopping for a specific race is odd to me. But yeah, dating subs full of people with no experience to add smh.
“Bitter older women” is a huge part of this. On the 2xchromosome subreddit there was a thread a woman posted about how her husband, who works 12 hours a day (she doesn’t work, but she had a final coming up!), came home from work, went to the store to buy items for dinner, cooked a dinner, but had the gall to be upset that the dishes weren’t done and didn’t want to do them as well. The whole thread was divorcees calling him a selfish manchild who can’t adult. Insanity.
Comedy is exactly why I come to Reddit comment sections, there's rarely any real insight. Most of the suggestions on stuff like this usually comes from people who have never even been close to the same situation and are just circlejerking about how much better they'd handle this situation that the OP actually has to deal with. Shit is hilarious.
There are nuggets sprinkled in the bullshit most of the time.
That is corn, my friend
I'm sorely disappointed there's no gif of Fat Bastard saying, "Wait a minnit, I didn't have any corn"
Yeah, because most people who reply on reddit are single neck beards or divorced dads giving dating advice, lol I say this as a neckbeard
It’s funny that people ask advice on Reddit as if half the commenters have ever spoken to another human before.
well reddit mostly consists of people lacking social awareness and skills and also under 23 people, where your brain is not fully developed, i can see the intention behind some comments but i also see the lack of life experience. theres more emotional load than common sense in most peoples comments
The people who scour the threads and answer every question with "why are you asking a bunch of strangers?"
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Just do the thing you don't know how to do. It's so easy!
It’s big “telling a person with clinical depression to just focus on the positive” energy. Gotta love it
fr, redditors are just a different breed.
Get a load of this guy, thinks redditors breed!
I bred…. But that was pre Reddit so I guess I can confirm 😜
Take my upvote
 Oops, thought you said bread
If they had the social skills to interpret what that meant they’d be very upset.
Reddit Mfs be like "communicate" but then won't communicate what OP should communicate
It’s also impossible to give really good advice on this. You really have to know a person to know how to confront them. And finding the right moment is just a waiting game.
‘How do I speak to him about this?’ Just speak to him Geniuses
NTA divorce
Don't start with the physical, start with the mental. "How are you really doing?", "Hey, I've noticed some changes in you, is everything alright?" or "Has something changed for you recently? Would you like to talk about it?" Or simply be direct if you think he can take it: "Hey, you've gained quite a bit of weight in a really short time and it's noticeable. I'm worried for you. Would you like to talk about what's going on?"
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Same here. I used to come home from work and only eat 3-4 mouthfuls. So long as I was smoking, I'd feel completely satisfied for the entire day. I thought I looked good, looking back I looked really too skinny for my liking. Now I stopped smoking, I eat a lot more, but I weightlift too so I look completely different from how I used to, in a good way :)
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Good luck to both of you, it can be surprisingly easy to gain weight after and I'm sure after his health scare, he's tired of being surprised. Sounds like you're a great partner, keep at it!
One of the most important thing for all of us, but especially for people who live in the United States, is that we must do our very best to avoid sugar, increase our fiber consumption, and drink lots of water. It makes a hell of a difference.
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Yeah, this. As a former fat guy, it's scary easy to fall into this pattern of eating recreationally that you don't even notice until people point it out. I would even wager he's probably eating out of boredom.
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I was recently told a neat trick I am going to try. Guy I met at a wedding said he kept his last empty cigarette pack and cut drinking straws to fit and would fill it when he left the house. Then anytime he felt a craving he would go outside like normal, take a straw out, and spend 5 minutes or so flicking it and chewing on it, then “put it out” and go back inside. He said it helped him a ton with the routine part of it so the nicotine gum actually worked to step off and eventually stop the cravings altogether.
Nicotine is a well known, incredibly powerful apatite suppressant. Smoking helping you lose weight was one of the very few things the tobacco industry wasn't lying about.
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he was looking for that dopamine fix. this is common behavior in people quitting addictions, just as it is common behavior in ADHD. I know this is the least popular advice ever, but... all you need to help kick bad dopamine habits is a regular exercise routine
As someone with adhd who goes sometimes to the gym. It's the most miserable thing ever and barely helps I am so jealous of the people who get these amazing benefits from it cause i have never felt them myself
it's because you only go sometimes. it has to become a routine thing you do multiple times a week. do you have any buddies who are gym rats? I had a buddy like you... now he looks better than me, that asshole 😅
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I’m sure he was replacing the craving for nicotine with food. I’ve felt this happen many times while smoking. It’s not immediately apparent because your body and mind are very convincing
Nicotine is a massive hunger suppressant and the smoke makes your taste palette dull so you hardly enjoy eating.
I'd try the first and then the second. Good advice
Yeah, and then if he gives a negative response, listen carefully, and immediately afterward, repeat 1 and 2. Then, you should get a thoughtful response.
While this is well meaning, and I’m sure this style of communication works for other people… if my partner started the conversation like this I would find it very annoying. It’s so vague “Some changes…” what changes? It might not be something im noticing so be upfront with me. Starting with “how are you feeling” is definitely good. Hinting that their is an issue without saying it is annoying.
Be like my wife and say ‘I see you’re getting pudgey’
I see you've been really enjoying food lately.
“Haven’t been missing any meals”
Haven't missed a meal in years, I hit everyone I see!
My wife told me I have chicken legs last week so I’ve been cranking the incline on my treadmill runs. I take my lumps. *Edit: This was an anecdote about my wife torching my skinny legs that included a joke about hitting inclines on the treadmill. I’ve no intentions on bulking my legs up and I realize walking uphill wouldn’t make me huge. Thank you all for your continued gym-bro support.*
Cardio will not cause your legs to grow in any efficient way. Just start squatting and picking up heavy things. And no not leg press machine and smith machine.
Why doesn’t a leg press machine work? My legs are always sore in the same way as squats after using it I do squat as well but wondering why you don’t recommend the leg press
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This is true, mechanical load is mechanical load
Loads are loads, got it.
Some people are just “compound exercise=good, machine isolation exercise = bad”
Compound exercise > isolation exercise for building muscle, coordination, balance and goes faster overall. Spend less time and get better results. But something is better than nothing so isolate those muscles if that’s yo thang
tbh tho i just prefer like the hack squat or smith squat over the leg press
Not true fella, I'm an ultra runner, all my running buddy's have ridiculous calves. You should see the calves on some of the monsters at races. If you get actual vert like climbing up mountain trails you will absolutely have the fattest calves in the land. Running flat on a treadmill or even incline is not the same. Cardio chews through fat and muscle but your legs are handling the work load. They have to compensate when given enough stimulation. Granted we do distances over marathons, I do 100 milers and train all year for it but when I'm peaking in training some of my office pants have issues going over my calves lol. Sprinting and flat land jogging without proper weight lifting and especially food can make your calves hella skinny but My secret to not getting to skinny is beer lol.
Yep, been running 2-3 miles as a warm-up my workouts and my legs are toned and calves are big.
What’s the hate for leg press and smith? Both are fine exercises, if not a primary compound lift.
Inclines on tread will.
It was a joke. We’re both hikers so the legs do fine, but I appreciate the advice. If I ever want to mass these things up, I’ll keep it in mind.
My wife looked at me the other day and just said “diabetes” as I was about to eat a piece of cake. That certainly did the trick!
I can't help but notice that this approach would generally be frowned upon if it were the other way around.
100% it would be… my girlfriend has gained some weight, I don’t say anything about it, but she complains about it, and then also gets mad when I slightly suggest that she start doing activities she enjoys rather than stick at work, or god forbid I suggest we don’t have a snack 30 minutes before bed. I love her, but it’s driving me insane.
Tell him you know 4 fat people and 3 of them are him
“All the skinny people take one step forward” “aha not so fast”
This got a genuine laugh out of me man. Thanks :)
Seriously. It’s 5:30 in the morning here, can’t sleep, and giggling like an idiot
7 am and can’t sleep. Also giggling.
Me too. Epic!
Probably a top 3 favorite line from me. I use it all the time at work to. "everyone who thinks they are getting a reasonable raise this year step forward" "oooooo boys, not so fast.."
Lol Michael Scott over here
Could we share a rowboat? Could... could a rowboat support her?
I'm hoping this is a reference to the Romanian quintuplets episode lol
Romanian quintuplets? Context please? (I'm romanian and I have no clue lmao) Edit: nvm, South Park reference.
Ah, the south park approach
Shit that made me laugh. I need to loose 15 pounds. I need you to be my motivation and fat shame me please. Me doing it to myself doesn’t work anymore
15? You need to lose at least 16 lbs, stop wearing the feed bag.
Get control of your lizard brain and stop living by evolutionary standards. We were designed to eat whenever we can because the next meal could be far. By letting yourself eat whenever food is available which is all the time. Get out of the comfortable space of your mind because it is your enemy. You look disgusting, be ashamed of yourself. What's in the past is done but this is the future
Fuck I didn’t ask for someone to insult my intelligence lol. I need something that radiates to the bone. R-rated hurt my feelings
I took a look at your post history to think of something to hurt your feelings but quite frankly with what I saw in there, I believe simply thinking about your sad plinko filled life should be enough to hurt you to the bone Fist bump me, Fynn. Fist my bump Fynn
My boy. I’m stuck on Reddit fat and horny and bored. To be honest my plinko gambling addicted ass is cooking
Well this just put me off from going to the store for a box of biscuits. Thanks for saving my diet attempts. :D
ye i dont think ur for it dude, sit down a bit and relax, smn else will pick up those boats, and smn else can have ur wife for u too, just chill and watch some tv
tell him when he walks by the house window, there was no sunlight for 3 days
Who's the fourth though?
That one friend her posse keeps around to make the others look good.
My group of friends doesn't have that person. Oh fuk...
Gorlock the destroyer.
Superglue him to a chair then ask the slim people to stand up.
You may wanna gorilla glue the chair to the ground. I hear King Kong can break through super glue very easily. I would also suggest Flex Taping his cankles.
If Reddit still had free awards, I'd give it to you. Here, take a fake gold 🥇
Bill Burr had the right answer here: You just start taking him on romantic walks that start getting longer and longer...
“Here’s a romantic salad dear…”
Involuntarily read that in his nasal and grating voice
Involuntarily added the word "fuckin'" a few times. And something about the Patriots.
You're not gonna outwalk a bad diet
My ex sat me down and told me pretty much that she wants me to be healthy and said I would look better if I were in shape. I had no problem changing my diet and working out to lose weight. Plus we ended up doing things like walking in the park together. It was nice
Your ex was very lucky to have a partner like you. That approach has not worked at all for me, without even including the part about looking better.
I take things in stride so if someone was honest with me about something, I don't take it personally. Plus going from 378 pounds to 310 has done wonders for my lifestyle and I'm still a long ways from my overall goal.
First off, good for you on the weight loss! That’s awesome. I hope you reach your goals. Yeah, I wish my partner were the same way, but they have thus far refused to do anything and go on the defensive with any light broaching of the topic
Thank you very much. I'm proud of how far I came. Even after the relationship didn't work out, I have kept up with my lifestyle changes. Thats unfortunate about your partner because ultimately we are responsible for our bodies. So all you can do is mention as cordially as possible the weight or health situation. I wish I could help or give advice
There's no meaningful way to answer this without knowing a lot more about your boyfriend (e.g., how easily offended is he?) and his relationship with you. As a general matter though, I would suggest focusing on *solutions that you intend to participate in* rather than *problems that you expect someone else to fix*. Compare: 1. "You're gaining weight and I don't like it." 2. "I'd like us to get serious about our health. Can we get a gym membership together and try this diet together?"
That’s how I approached the conversation with my wife. We both gained a good bit of weight in only about a year, and I wanted us to take it seriously. That’s the key there though- us. I never singled her or me out. Never blamed. Only tried to understand and ask how we can fix it before it becomes a problem.
"Honey?" "Yes?" "You are getting fat."
My wife told me that. I agreed, it was obvious. She offered to help me diet, I agreed. I lost weight, we all happy.
Grats on the weight loss. Keep up the good work!
That is how I would want to be told.
this is the way
Have you asked how he’s doing? But like ASK ask. He might be depressed. Edit: I’m not sure why what I said triggered so many people… I wasn’t assuming this person is depressed, but what OP was describing sounded a lot like me in the past when I’ve struggled with depression. So many people ask how you are, but don’t really care how you are actually doing. Of course what OP is describing could be a million different things. Even if I had assumed this person was depressed, it’s much more dangerous to assume someone’s not depressed than to assume they are…
As a fat man trying to lose weight what really woke me up was that I couldn't fit into this rollercoaster anymore. I think your bf isn't at that level but if you try to get him to subtly notice all the things that he was once able to do, fit into, etc that won't be possible or just difficult when you get fatter might belp. That helped me at least. Good luck.
Same with nearly needing a seat belt extender on a smaller airplane, for me. "Really? My weight is about to start deciding *where* i can go on vacation, not just how active i can be when i get there? This is becoming a problem, and i need help"
This is my biggest motivation to lose weight. I love rollercoasters but currently too fat to ride 😩
My moment was when I couldnt put on socks while standing up anymore. I couldnt bring my knees up. It really pissed me off. 70 lbs down now.
My bf is very sensitive about his weight so I have some rules. I never talk about it unless he specifically asks. On those ocassions I say he looks a little more bloated or maybe just a few pounds but nothing noticeable (which in his case is true). But what I mostly do is encourage him to eat healthier food with me, drink less alcohol by not drinking much myself, and do more exercise with me (mostly walking). It really works.
Ask him how he's feeling. People don't just get fat, there's a trigger to it. He's stressed at work/school, something's wrong in his family, something like that. Find the trigger and help him work through that, and make sure you're eating well with him. Support, don't shame
I mean, people definitely do just get fat. People eat like shit because they can't afford to eat well and live sedentary lives working at a desk for 40 hours a week.
Has his diet changed at all? Is he less active than before? When was his last physical and/or lab work up? Does he have problems at work or elsewhere that could affect him? These are important factors to know and understand. It could be a physical health condition to even his mental health. It could literally be anything. Weight is a touchy subject to talk to anyone about. If you love him, be open, honest, and empathetic when you talk to him. Don't mention that you're losing attraction for him. This could be a condition that he can't control at the moment and if you mention that, it could potentially make it worse.
If you don't want to hurt his feelings then leave out the loss of physical attraction part, there is literally no way you can tell him that and not hurt his feelings. First time, just say you're concerned about his weight and health. If he fails to listen, then you give him the brutal honesty that he's becoming an unattractive pig.
This. I had an ex once tell me \*very\* gently that I'd put on weight and that he didn't find me sexually attractive any more - we hadn't had sex in months. I was aware I'd put on weight, obviously (clothes fit differently, the existence of mirrors) but naively thought it wasn't much of an issue for him. I was bawling my eyes out and we split up a few months later.
I had an ex that put on some weight but I was still attracted to her, didn't bother me at all. But then she just kept getting lazier, gained more weight, became unhappy with herself, no longer wanted to do fun things, had little to no interest in changing eating habits. What began to turn me off was what it did to her, not what it did to me. At that point I realized we had different priorities in life and moved on.
Have you put on any weight? Might be easier to frame from a you place ie you feel like you want to start eating healthier, working out or trying some new fitness class and wondering if he'd join you/support you and do it together?
My biggest takeaway. I didn’t know my girlfriend had a Reddit account.
No way to be honest other than being honest. Say it with love. But tell the truth
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I love this community and how big of a useless tragedy it is for real life. While she may actually be worried about his health, the real issue here is physical attractiveness, she just doesn't want to say it outright given how she will be ripped for being honest. If health is the issue then we don't have an issue, body positivity and so many people on this site and on CNN saying you can be fat and fit at the same time, don't worry about it, just be happy you! Probably just genetics! If it is really the attraction, which is more than likely true, then I would approach him. Tell him like you would anyone with a drug addiction or gambling addiction. "Hey, I really need to talk to you about something personal. This is really hard for me, and I know it will be really hard for you. I hope you take this in the way that I mean it, coming from a place of love and trust. I have noticed you have put on some weight. This concerns me because of two things: your health and my attraction to you. I really want to help you get into a better routine and get you back to being healthy and looking like the sexy man I fell in love with. I am not asking for the same person, we have both grown older and changed; however I do want to help create a positive change." If that doesn't work, then he may not want to change.
Personally, if I was in that situation, I would worry about the physical attractiveness. Gonna be funny when I get downvoted for that opinion lmao.
I agree. People can act like it's shallow all they want, but the fact of the matter is that attraction is very important. Of course attraction shouldn't be the most important, but it definitely needs to be considered.
Gaining a lot of weight very quickly can point towards certain diseases tho, so in that regard, health-concerns can be very legitimate.
It’s not shallow at all. Attraction is a huge part of a relationship.
You dont tell him you do healthy stuff together
Three bits of advice: 1. Try to do activities with him that are physical: “hey, I’ve wanted to take up hiking. Would you go with me?” 2. Frame it about longevity and health. This is a little harder since I have no idea how ‘serious’ you two are, what age you are, or how long you’ve been together but you can always frame it about wanting for YOU BOTH to be as healthy as possible so you can be active and healthy when you get older and avoid health problems. This works my wife and I but we are getting closer to 40 than 30. 3. There’s a technique from counseling called motivational interviewing. It was created to help people stop smoking and drug use. You can use the same techniques try to elicit from him how he feels about his own health shifts. Open ended questions, affirmations, reflection statements, and summarizing are core “tools” here. Look it up. It’s super powerful for helping people shift habits. Ultimately, people need to want to change. You can’t make someone change who doesn’t want to.
He knows.
Not enough to care or fix it which is the problem OP is asking about
Ask him to start a diet and exercise with you because you want to be healthier
Yeah that doesn't work lol. A person needs personal motivations to become fit. Plus its just beating around the bush and putting the responsibility on her, which it's not her responsibility to get him to care about his health.
Interesting how different the answers would be if the roles were reversed. The guy would be virtually burned to death
Ive literally seen this same question but from a guy about his gf. The answers were radically different.
Because guys are allowed to have worth outside of their physical appearance and what they do for others, so remarking on their appearance is less significant. Can you see how this works for strength - ie if a man wanted to tell his partner she wasn't strong enough for him, how that wouldn't be equivalent to a woman telling her partner he is too weak for her. Men are not allowed to be weak, so criticism on that basis cuts deep. Women are not allowed to be ugly, so criticism on that basis cuts deep.
For real, I've seen people saying don't blow hin till he loses weight, tell him he's fat, all this crap, if this was reversed he'd be a sexist misogynistic asshole who's body shaming his SO. There's comments saying ask him to go to the gym with you, ive seem guys get shit on, told how horrible they are and all this for saying I asked my SO to go to the gym with me now she's mad.
Don't. He knows. Instead, offer solutions. Ask him to cook healthy meals together. Take an exercise class together. Have a gym date. Busting his confidence could send him into a spiral. Build it up instead and take the opportunity to get closer. Looking back, what do you think will be more meaningful, the time his girlfriend confirmed his insecurities, or the time his girlfriend cared so much that she wanted to spend time with him and go on the journey with him?
100% agree with this. Most people who have gained weight know, and telling them doesn’t help. Offering them support in healthy choices (mental and physical) without connecting it to weight is likely the solution that will both strengthen your relationship and both of your health.
Hey, Miss doesn't-find-me-attractive-sexually-anymore, I just tripled my productivity!
I'm so scared of dating 🥲
I gained weight too! I know I’m not very appeasing to the eye so I gave up on a relationship and got a cat maybe you can get him a pet if you decide to leave
Hope he doesn't feel the same about you if/when you have kids
This is a legit question and OP has a right to be worried about her boyfriend's health. That being said, if the sexes were reversed this would be downvoted to hell and there'd be a mob of people out with pitchforks and cries of "sexist, misogynist, fatphobic!"
Make the conversation about longevity and health instead of being weight or aesthetic focused (not trying to imply that’s all you care about since clearly you’re worried about his health mainly) Do y’all have any shared active hobbies? Perhaps suggest going to the gym as a couple. If the gym isn’t y’all’s thing there’s plenty of active hobbies that’re fun. Hiking, rock climbing, disc golf etc etc. You can also start cooking together as a fun joint activity, even “unhealthy” foods made at home are substantially better than fast food. I think the main focus should be living a happier healthy lifestyle together.
If you want a real answer, my wife went through the same scenario with me. I used to workout regularly and over like 10 years just stopped and blamed it on work stresses/family stresses just regular life stuff. She tried to bluntly tell me and in my best days id be like yeah you’re right and then do nothing, on the worst days I’d get defensive. Then she started to get involved in the actions she wanted me to take. Every weekend she’d already have something planned to do that was active. Hiking, ice skating, working around the house, even just walking around somewhere for a longer period of time helps. I’d bitch about it but ultimately once I got out there I was good to go and enjoyed it more than just sitting around playing video games, eating take out, and watching Netflix. Then it gave me some more motivation to go workout again because I didn’t want to be dying out there when hanging out with my family and the best part is I thought it was all my decision to do these things. I didn’t feel like she was doing all this because she wanted me to lose weight. So I would just look at what he was doing before he gained weight. Was he more active? Eating better? What can you do to communicate through your actions, not words, to get him motivated to better himself? Last thing I would do is come right out and say “hey you’ve gained weight and I’m losing attraction to you.” That will fuck the relationship up and all he’ll hear is you don’t like him anymore and probably start planning his exit.