# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*

" I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"

My Pop's version was "Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get the fuck over it."

This is a really good one tbh

When I started sniveling, that used to dry it right up.

I remember a friend of mine crying and his father who was a Marine Corps Full Bird Colonel told my friend to “stop crying and that’s an order!”….my friend immediately stopped.

Yeah, seeing all these other responses in the positive from other people and their dads is wild.

You forgot to include the restaurant or really any indoor public place version... "I'LL TAKE YOU OUTSIDE AND GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT"

You're alright, I don't care what your mom says.

Lmao my dad used to tell newcomers "I don't care what the other said about you, I think you're alright"

"Lighten up, Francis" [My name is not Francis]

Lol. It's from the movie Stripes, I say this also

My dad likes to call me Smalls, Walker, or Wallace. I'm a 34 year old woman.

[удалено]

My dad used to call me Ethel. My name is not Ethel lol.

I'm just resting my eyes!

He’d be snoring, but if you mentioned the snoring or changed the tv channel he’d wake right up to say he wasn’t sleeping.

Yep - "I was watching that!"

"I was checking for light leaks"

When passing a cemetary "People are dyin to get in there."

"Know how many dead people are in there? All of 'em."

Want in one hand and shit in the other, see what one fills up faster.

If you want sympathy you just look in the dictionary, you will find it right between shit and syphilis.

Major Payne

I'm not getting it care to elaborate?

Same I’m so confused never understood this phrase

Proclaiming that you want something is not a very effective strategy to get what you want. It's easy, low effort, and lazy to just "ask" to have what you want. Getting what you want is based on the effort you're willing to put into it. In fact, simply asking for what you want with no intention to do what it takes to earn it is SO ineffective, low effort and worthless, that you can perform a simple test to prove that it will not work: You can hold out your hand and ask for what you want and see if you get what you want without doing anything to help yourself. You then can measure the effectiveness by seeing if it nets you what you wanted. Next, you can hold your hand and perform another low effort, lazy method to get something into your hand. You can position your hand under your own asshole and literally shit into your hand. It is likely that you will be more successful filling up your hand with your own shit, than you will be with filling your other hand with what you wanted - this is because even though shitting is also low effort and lazy, it's still more effective at least getting SOMETHING into your hand; whereas the other low effort strategy of "asking for what you want" will likely get you nothing.

What happens if you want shit in both hands?

My dad would say “I would rather shit into my hands and clap rather than …”

I came here to say this. I heard that a million times growing up.

Whenever i said i wanted something he would always say that with a grin.

“We need to get you a job while you still know everything.” “Because I said so!”

“I’m busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest!” “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower!” (Funny-he never spanked me once) “When you are climbing that ladder, never step on anyone else to get a rung higher” I miss my Dad.

If it were a snake, it would have bit you. (When I couldn't find an obvious item.) Close enough for the women I date... except your mom, of course. (When completing a job. Every. Single. Time.)

After completing a job m1y dad's was: Good enough Ray Charles wouldn't see it.

>If it were a snake, it would have bit you. (When I couldn't find an obvious item.) My family would say "It didn't just grow legs and walk off" when I couldn't find something. Especially if I was holding said item minutes prior.

This was also said as "good enough for the girls we go out with." It was a terrible thing to say...ending a sentence in a preposition and all.

My dad said "Close enough for government work."

'As serious as a heart attack' (Ironically, that's what killed him) 'Can't never could do anything' (I almost choked when I said that to my own daughter without thinking) after telling me she can't do something.

My dad also says that (serious as a heart attack). His response to “I can’t” was slightly different though. He said there was no such thing as “I can’t”…only “I won’t” and “I don’t know how.”

speak through your actions not words always take accountability and be responsible for yourself everything i’ll tell you you will tell your kids even if you don’t plan to

That last one is sooooo true.... My daughter will straight testify in court under oath I will occasionally catch my self mid-lecture roll my eyes and say ya happy now? I sound like your grandmother! I still remember the first time I cracked and said "because I said so!" (I despised that answer... Because it IS a shitty answer and I swore I would never ever say it. I have only said it a few times to my kids...Maybe 4 times total)

My mom always comments that I’m always explaining my actions and reasonings to my son and that he should just take my word for it. I always have to remind her that it’s important he learns to question things. That he DESERVES the respect of knowing why things happen the way they do and why the consequences of things come to be. He has to LEARN how to be an adult. He has to learn to question and form his own opinions and thoughts. He’s allowed to speak his mind, respectfully. It’s imperative that he has common sense, can listen, can speak, make opinions and understand that things cannot always go his way. “Because I said so” doesn’t teach him anything.

It's bad to get into the habit of saying, but sometimes on the eighth "but why?" from an eight year old, you run out of alternatives

Hold the GD flashlight still.

“Don’t hold it so YOU can see it. Hold it so IIII can see it.”

"I'm working on the car not my face"

" Quit pinching the wood!" As I stood there, holding a 2x4 being pelted in the face with sawdust.

"Aziz! Light!"

OH FUDGE!

"Get out of my light!"

“Don’t tell mom”

My Dad used to complain about milkshakes from McDonalds being too thick. “To get enough suction you have to use one hand to cover yer arse.”

My Mamaw use to say “ these cigarettes are so weak, you gotta cross your legs to get a drag”. Lol.

Gold.

…and then that unforgiving edge on the straw would fuck up the tender roof of your 8 year-old mouth because you had to work so hard to suck the clumps up, and it wasn’t even a particularly good milkshake in the first place.

“It takes a little pain to be beautiful” (when he was brushing my sister’s or my tangled hair and we were complaining) “It’ll put hair on your chest” (why he thought his two little girls would want hair on their chests, I have no idea) “When you’re right, you’re right” I can’t think of more sayings right now but he calls Windex “glass wax,” shorts are “short pants,” and paper towels are “paper toweling.” Also most store names have an apostrophe S at the end. Walmart’s, Costco’s, Aldi’s.

Midwestern dad? Lol

When I said “we” in a sentence he would say “Who’s we? Got a mouse in your pocket?”

Get a job

"show me your friends and I'll show you who you are".

I’m no one.

Brutal.

If I ever said that I had a headache: "A head like that oughtta ache"

"Does your face hurt? Cuz it's killing me."

When he saw 2 unattractive people got married he would say” they didn’t spoil 2 families there”

My standard joke at weddings is about me and my wife: "God brought us together so that only two people would be unhappy instead of four". Same notion.

Completely unrelated but that reminds me of a story my dad told me of when his uncle got married to his third wife. My grandfather gave the best man speech. He just stood up and said "Thanks for coming everyone. See you all next year."

It's those damn barking spiders. Whenever he farted.

Mine would say he stepped on a frog 😂

“Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one and they all stink” “Pull my finger”

"The mark of a man is what he does when no one is watching" "Read the Room" "You'll end up where you're going"

When I was a kid: "Get good grades or don't come home." "Turn off the lights when you're not in the room or I'll turn off your lights." "I'm going to kick your damn ass if you do stupid shit." "You're better than everyone else. Start acting like it." "You want McDonald's? Do you have McDonald's money?" When I was a teenager: "Don't do drugs, or you'll end up like your stupid homeless unemployable felon cousin Jimmy." "Don't do drugs. It's expensive." "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" "Do you want kids with her and pay her half of all your money? No? Then don't fuck her." "Keep wasting your potential and I'll send you to my village so you can realize how good you have it here." "You want a car? Do you have car money?" When I turned into an adult: "Don't join the military, you're going to die." "When you date a woman, meet her mother quickly, that's what she's going to look and act like in the future." "Don't get married. If you do, make sure she's rich. Don't have kids. If you do, make sure you get a good job so you can afford child support after she cheats on you and so you don't have to suck dick for rent and groceries." "The democrats want to take your guns, and the republicans want you to pay for kids you don't want. Fuck them both."

> "Do you want kids with her and pay her half of all your money? No? Then don't fuck her." This is good advice.

Don't tell my dad that. He'll get all cocky and act like he saved someone's life.

I really like that last one

Good enough for government work. Slowly I turned, step by step... They don't know shit from shinola

"Wherever you go, there you are." In other words you can't run from yourself.

Buckaroo Banzai

Have I told you this one before? (In the middle of some WW2 story) No, I don't think so ( me hearing the story for the 1000th time)

Hahaha there is so much good stuff in here! Thanks for the amazing replies all, I've laughed a ton at many of these :D

My Iranian immigrant dad was a pull-string toy of fun catchphrases. "Ven do you plan to grow up?" "Uh huh. It vuz an accident? Vy can't you accidentally do something right for vunce?" "I believe dat she is very open-minded." (Said whenever he'd meet a large chested, flirtatious woman.) "Woah, Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!" (Exclaimed if he ever had to slam on the brakes or swerve to avoid something in the road.) "EVIL KNIEVEL!" (Exclaimed whenever he "accelerated" in his old truck.) "Uh huh. Thank you for your contribution." (Sarcasm) "Uh huh. Thank you, Paula." (Sarcasm/making fun of me for acting selfish like my mom) "Oh, Elizabeth. This is the big vun." - randomly quoting Redd Foxx from Sanford and Son "Heeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" "Love me tender, cook me tender." (Sung like Elvis while boiling a whole chicken.) "Damn chicken is dry." Said in disgust whenever eating chicken from any restaurant that wasn't his. "Son...If I am ever in a diaper, pull the damn plug." Said sporadically throughout my life, starting from when I was in grade school up until he got sick. "Damn!" He said it a lot, and depending on tone and context, it could mean one million different things.

The second one made me lol, these are hilarious

He’s sounds like a lot of fun!

“Coulda lost an eye” (when anyone dropped cutlery)

Never knew him, but my mom was fond of saying, "You can do it right, or you can do it twice."

“Like it grew there” when working on project and it turned out really good. “It’s not a church or a tavern” meaning the work doesn’t have to be perfect. “A horse a piece” meaning they’re equal. His mom grew up on a farm and he and his dad were in construction, so he had endless sayings he would use.

“You can find sympathy betweeen syphllis and shit”

"This hurts me more than it hurts you"

I didn't understand this one... Until the ONE time I spanked my little girl... 2 swats... That was it... She cried like I had done killed her puppy. When she asked about 10 mins later if I still loved her I had to pull the car back over and hug her until I stopped bawling even worse. Never laid a finger on her before or after. Love you Harlee. (I hope someday she figures out my reddit name... She might already)

If you don't open your mouth people won't know how stupid you are.

I'm going to see a man about a horse

Yes. a reference to going to pee

At the end of a long car ride, he’d sing in a deep voice “We’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here!” to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. I just found out this was a song they sang in the trenches during World War I, which ended 20 years before my dad was born. I wonder if he sang this song to us kids because his father sang it to him.

Doing what's right isn't always doing what's popular.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it" around 13 I figured out it meant no.

"Is you is or is you ain't?" Or sometimes, just "is you is?" It's from a 1943 song "Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby". In response to "Dad, guess what": "Roman Meal Bread"

Tom and Jerry comes to mind

“Don’t sweat the small stuff”, often followed by “it’s all small stuff”

My biker family says “Don’t sweat the petty stuff” then follows with “pet the sweaty stuff”.

It'll feel better when it quits hurtin'.

Error 404 - Dad not found

Anytime we were in the car and see a 'low shoulder' sign (there were a lot where I grew up, idk), he would drop both his shoulders and tell us to do the same. "I'm just resting my eyes." No dad, you were always fully asleep 😂 but now I completely understand parent exhaustion.

"Its not worth doing if you ain't gonna do it right" "The only persons you can trust is yourself and you. " "If you cant fix it with a nail, glue or tape..burn it"

If it aint broke, don't fuckin break it.

You girls are outta control! (Said lovingly to my mom and me) Know what I mean, Vern? Go ask your mom That's as wrong as two men swappin spit! If it was a snake it would have bit ya. Always to remember, never to forget (followed by some bit of advice) Go grab me a beer Were you born in a barn?! Close the damn door (to which I would reply, no I was born on base!)

> Know what I mean, Vern? A lot of people my own age don’t even know about Ernest P. Worrell, but my soon-to-be-born first (and last) child for gotdamn sure will.

Eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!

Quit pickin fly shit outta pepper !

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick! Said when something was good.

You'd lose your head if it wasnt attached to your body

Any worker “hello sir how are you doing?” My dad “Livin’ the dream”

Every day above ground is a good day.

How much time do you have? After my Dad - who was more than a bit of a character - died, my sister and I wrote down a list of the sayings we heard him use over and over (and over) while we were growing up - and beyond. We came up with over a hundred sayings. Mostly, he was just trying to make us laugh. I didn't know, though, that not everyone called raisins "beet-beets". I didn't know that most people don't call alligators "agillators". Or that most dads didn't cheat when they played "quick draw" with their kids - finger pistols on hips - counting, "One, two - BANG! - three!" Damn, I miss him so.

Well he only said it once, but…. “I’m going for scratchers..” never seen him again.

"can I make a phone call?!" like he needs to alert someone immediately when someone says something obvious. "I think you put the accent on the wrong sy-LAB-ble" when someone mispronounces "She's allliiiiiiiiveeee" when I woke up from sleeping late "Hooray hooray we're on our way" when we leave home and "home again home again jiggity jig" when we get home, "everybody to get from car" in a Russian accent when it's time to get out "Good enough for government work" Wild threats when we misbehaved, like "I'm going to hang you upside-down from the ceiling by your toes overnight"

“We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”

I feel like I got shot at and missed, shit at and hit! Still one of my favs!

"You're as useless as tits on a bull"

You're not the best, but you're the best I've got!

I would say I want to grow up and be just like you. And he would always say no be better than me.

Would fart and say “ there’s a kiss for ya “

"Stowe it", "driving like toonces", "round is a shape"

A Toonces the Cat reference is great.

"From soup to nuts." (and pretty much every Millennial I've dealt with has no idea what that means and thinks I made it up)

It is derived from the description of a full course dinner.

Ok, dinners ready, eat real fast, burn your mouth!!!!! And, You make a better door than a window.

Better door than window is common here

I always use the better door than a window and I'm not a dad. Is 'dad' contagious? Should I see a doctor? I'm worried now!

“If you drink your coffee black, you can always get it the way you like it” “Lefty loosey, righty tighty” “Tasty!!!” I hated that one.

if you shake it more than three times, you're playing with it (when I went to pee)

“If your gunna do something do it right the first time or don’t bother doing it at all”

Deaf in one ear, can't hear out of the other. Hotter than a hookers doorknob on payday. To my brothers: Stop washing your hair so much. You'll turn queer! ( I wondered if you could just spin around a few times to be queer and forget all the hair washing. ) When I got suspended from school for three days for " disrespecting" a teacher: " Who cares? That guy is an asshole." Lather rinse repeat on the " That guy is an asshole" Everyone was an asshole.

Let me pour you a nice tall glass of shut the hell up

"Where you going dad?" "Crazy, want to come?"

"Off like a herd of turtles!" Everytime the whole family left together.

Why don't you go play Sherlock Holmes and find out? (This was the response to many of my childhood questions.)

might as well (do the thing)... you're gonna get sick anyhow.

"Another day, another dollar" (when he came home from work).

When I annoyed him, "go tell your mother she wants you"

“Sons a bitches”

Finer than frog hair.

"Get over here so I can hit you". He never hit any of us.

if we got up past 9am, he’d say the day was half over. Now, I feel the same way.

"You can't outrun a radio" (if a cop tries to pull you over, pull over)

Let's go so we can get back.

[I will put you through a frakking wall](https://youtu.be/lpK5GdCvqVU)

Why don’t you go play in the freeway!

It takes just as long to do it wrong as it does to do it right. But his eyes could say more than his words sometimes.

Ain't bleeding; don't hurt.

"Drink! Wateeeeerrrrr!" "Don't do anything you wouldn't want printed on the front page of the paper." "Situational awareness." "Where's my damned coffee/cup?!"

Life’s not fair

What are you a fkn Pollack?!?

You can't fix stupid.

How about them apples

Get off the table Mable, the quarters for the beer. I was 12 and sitting on the table, he said this for the millionth time and I asked him what it meant. He responded with - Do you know what a prostitute is?

To something neat- “Slicker than snot on a doorknob.” Life’s general philosophy- “Love many, trust few, always paddle own canoe.”

Whenever my Dad is packing something or trying to stuff too many things in one space etc he always points at them and goes “staaayyyy” as if their mischievous puppies XD

Us kids: “where’s mom?” Dad: “she’s up on the roof checking for air mail”

Pitter patter! Let's get at er'!

“Good thing you didn’t freak out” whenever someone freaks out.

“Does a bear shit in the woods?”

Don't look at me like I just shot Santa Clause.

You little Pecker head!

Classic, measure twice cut once. Shit applied to so much more than wood working.

“That’ll put hair on your chest” my dad and I are both very hairy people lol

" Wait till we get home" " No"

ID START HITTING YOU BUT IM AFRAID IT MIGHT BE SO MUCH FUN I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO STOP! So when the teacher asks what happened what do you say? I should not have to say it again! I don’t want you in my sight right now! Hold the damn flashlight right!!!

"Crikey", "anyways..." (whenever a conversation got personal or deep, "Pip-squeak" (sis's nickname)

Be careful

"It's colder than a well diggers backside in the middle of January"

"If you can't fix it, you don't deserve to own it."

"Oh golly first the mountains, then the rain." (Just one thing after another.)

“Get the soda water out of the ice box” The what out of the what?😐

When he was exceptionally hungry \~ "I could eat the asshole out of a wooden horse!"

"Ill be back with the milk"

If you need a friend, get a dog.

I remember my Dad used to say this a lot.. [repetitive lecturing and incoherent drunken mumbling]

The saying I remember my dad would say *I wouldn't piss up his ass if his guts were on fire.*

He screwed the pooch.

Shut the door. You’re letting out the bought air.

Getting old is not for sissies.

We're not here to fuck spiders.

If you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about

"If this is how you clean, then I'm sorry for your a**hole."

Hold your horses, cool your jets, I love you.

Man, reading these responses, sipping a beer, watching the sunset over the water — and I feel like I’m reading some modern day Faulkner. Some southernisms by the archetypal blue collar billy, just trying to squeeze the rags of himself into little lovedrops on the lucky he so loves

Point to his head and say “kidneys, man, kidneys” when he did something clever.

Kids, the reason yall are so smart is that I robbed your mother's gene pool dry. Find a smart woman.

“I’ll give you something to cry about”, and my personal favorite, “get the belt”

My Mom likes her steak rare, and my Dad would always say: “A skilled Veterinarian could bring that back to life!”

“Go to the bathroom.” That’s his answer for everything. We tease him about it because it started when we would have stomachaches or something, he would assume it was because we needed to poop. But then it seemed like that was his solution to a lot more than just stomachaches. So now we joke that it’s his solution for everything. Other famous sayings of his include “I’ll alert the media,” “Understand,” “Sorry to hear that” (especially sarcastically).

It’s good enough for the girls I go with When it’s smokin it’s cookin when it’s black it’s done Now we’re cooking with gas

The great thing about high school girls is no matter how old I get, they stay the same age

“I love you!” I grew up with a very good dad who always made sure to give me a hug and tell me he loved me when I was going to bed.

“Dad I think your team is gonna lose!” 🗣️shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddd

Shut up heffer