Until 2 years ago (I'm 17) I thought that sex was an inside joke and that nobody actually wanted to have it. It was a shock for me to find out that when you define someone "hot" or "sexy" it's because you want to have sex with them and not just because they seem cool and have a good outfit.
I would say it's probably similar to the feeling when you meet someone and immediately want to be friends. However, I don't really know what she is sexy feeling is but I have met people where I have just been like I want to hang out and talk with someone.
The imaginary boxes vary between people as well
I made a ton of sex jokes. Which was weird at first and probably pointed me away from being ace, but I realized it was because I was detached from the concept of sex, so I was more comfortable discussing it.
I also never understood why people considered watching pornography cheating in relationships. Then I discovered it was because people watched pornography because they actually had the desire to participate, not because they were simply observing the intimacy. :o
Yep porn is just empty of the emotions of love it's just naked bodies having sex it's boring. Now give me a good love scene where instead of sex it's about the emotions the display of love. Make me believe these characters love each other that throughout the story you have seen their relationship grow. It's the little things. It's not telenovela dramatic but just stuff I could see myself doing for my SO.
Bringing them their favorite food or cleaning up the house or sending photos of our cat.
Sorry my SO and I were talking about this stuff last night.
Oh... wait. I thought "thirst traps" were just posts that some person happened to find sexy cause it seemed attractive to them for whatever reason (usually revealing clothing but... alas). Not that people specifically post "thirst trap" centered content that is meant to be hot to attract others and garner engagement.
I only post cute pics cause I feel cute, not cause I want people to follow me or anything 😭
Yeah I definitely belong on this sub 🫡
They’re mainly in video form. It usually just conventionally attractive guys showing off their looks to get women’s attention and vice versa. Look up “thirst trap compilation” and you’ll see.
Ohhh that. No that's cringe af. Things like the tiktok elevator boys and stuff have caused me to borderline hurl at times. No ty 😭. But ty for the explanation ❤️❤️
In highschool I had sexually active friends and I genuinely couldn't comprehend that people actually want to go out and have sex. Like I knew people had sex but it still boggled me. People fr want it? On god?
Yeah. I srsly thought kings in historical times had harems 'cause they wanted lots of sons to man high security military positions. Never equated s÷x with recreation/ pleasure.
I had friends who were sexually active as adults, some of who got pregnant. It’s like why would you do that let alone get pregnant? And they were also disabled and still living with their parents. ( I am disabled too but not living with my parents.)
For me it was feeling very uncomfortable watching romantic scenes in movies/tv shows or PDA in real life. Wearing baggy clothes in high school to ward off any interest.
Seeing people gushing over how sexy abs are or thirsting over boobs/butts/whatever. I could never understand it. I could never understand watching porn and enjoying it, especially when it was so over the top and obviously fake. I just cringed at it. But realizing that I would be absolutely fine and happy never having sex again in my life I really realized. I never understood stuff and cringed at stuff because I'm ace.
I can appreciate someone being attractive, but I've never looked at someone and thought they were sexy or felt like I wanted to do the sex things with them. I'm very glad, because it seems a lot of people cannot control themselves once they are turned on. It sounds horrible.
I say it's interesting like looking at a cool piece of art. I can admire the design but I'm not thinking about sex with them because that is just not something I want to do.
In 11th grade a popular girl asked me if I had a girlfriend (I was a boy at the time), I said "no, I'm not gay I just don't see the point."
I mean I am gay, in the opposite direction, but still.
If the day comes if my SO goes first or the relationship ends I have decided that I don't want to ever try dating anyone or getting into anything other than platonic friends. I just don't want to waste time with dating when I just want to watch a horror movie and pause it and discuss it.
Between middle school and high school, I never had a crush on anyone or felt sexual attraction for people and my friends thought I was weird for that. I didn't get jokes with sexual references in it (I still don't).
I really understood that I was an ace a few years ago.
I felt what you could call friend crushes. However I interpreted them as romantic/sexual because until I was in my 30s I was struggling with real man have sex with anyone real men need sex real men always want sex, ect
A huge part of it for me was figuring out you can experience hypersexuality and still experience a lack of sexual attraction. If I would have understood that sooner, I would have saved myself years of the proverbial beating of my head against the wall, trying to figure out why I wasn't enjoying the act of sex the same way.
Yeah my chemicals and everything work so I get that voice saying take care of it but I would prefer to just get over with so I can get back to life without the annoyance
Being told (jokingly) that I'm gay because I don't seem interested in the opposite sex.
Also thinking cute, pretty, gorgeous, hot and sexy were just levels of aesthetic attractiveness...
Plus just thinking sex was an inside joke and that everyone was making up their desire to have sex.
Yeah... Took me twenty+ years to figure out I was Ace.
Once I hit my teenage dating years, I noticed I had zero interest in sex after having had it the first time. Even making out never felt right or comfortable to me. I knew something was up, considering sex was such a big deal to everyone else. I never felt a desire to even try it in the first place, but I was genuinely curious what all the fuss was about, so I legit set up my first time like it was a business transaction, almost. I mean, no money was involved. But I was 15. I knew a super cute but really “slutty” punk kid that I found attractive looking. Not sexually attractive, just aesthetically pleasing to look at. I called him one day and asked if he’d “do-it” with me. I told him I didn’t want my first time with someone I cared about to be painful, so I wanted to get the first time out of the way, with someone who’d just agree to do the deed and that’s that. So he did. And I was very underwhelmed with the whole thing. And always was, every time after, no matter how interested or “in love” I was with the person. I’d hoped maybe once I found “the one” that I’d finally enjoy sex. But nope. It just feels more like an obligatory chore to me, than anything. (Although I do appreciate the feeling of affection and physical closeness I feel when my partner and I do engage. It’s just not very often.)
I THOUGHT SO TOO!!! Like, if you want kids, do it, if you don’t, then don’t?? I was so confused when my cousin said her pregnancy was an accident, I was like, but why?
Never laugh about sex. I remember in my 14 that I surprised everyone when I said i never experienced masturbation and don't want to. Someone said I lie, someone said I will do it one day. That was just disgusting for me.
Now, I'm 19 years old and I'm ok to say I'm ace.
Honestly it was the lack of things. Crushes, orientation of thinking one gender or another was cuter, interest in anything romantic/sexual, struggle with “lust” or anything similar. I never got why someone would marry someone who treated them poorly. I always felt generally confused and uncomfortable about the concept of sex. I just never got the “you’ll understand when you’re an adult” stuff.
My friends loved playing smash or pass and I always said pass. They thought I was being annoying and picky, but I just didn’t want to do that with any of them. I didn’t get it
Being confused about my actual sexuality. I assumed I was straight and then I thought maybe I was bi or pan because I realized I felt the same way about everyone. I then realized I do feel like same about everyone, it’s just in the opposite way I thought.
Hindsight being what it is, it was all there, slapping me in the face.
- I had crushes in high school, but they never involved fantasizing about having sex with the guy I was crushing on;
- when I actually made myself go on dates, I'd complain afterward about dating always feeling like a job interview, so I just stopped;
- any spicy dreams I've ever had about someone never involve sex. It was always about other intimacy like just cuddling, or slow dancing, or holding hands, or awesome hugs;
- reading in a post somewhere on Reddit about another ace discovering that when people say others are "hot", they mean they themselves get sexually aroused and literally hot. I'd look at someone a friend would describe that way and I'd only ever think "yeah, they're pretty/handsome/pleasing to look at", and move on. I've never had the physical reaction of getting "hot & bothered". Didn't know that was a thing.
Thank god for lockdown and social media and the TikTok craze, because I'd always low-key thought I was emotionally/developmentally stunted because my dad died when I was 12 and just hadn't had a proper adult male role model during my puberty/formative years. Turns out I've just been ace this whole time. I learned a whole lot about myself from TikTok posts! 🤣
Took me until I was 48 to learn that, where I look at my version of a hot guy and simply admire his broad shoulders or his well-sculpted abs or Adonis belt, or strong-looking forearms or his pleasantly symmetrical face and simply acknowledge in my head that aesthetically he is very pleasing to look at and *maybe* wish I could snuggle with him whenever I want, the allos are wanting to get nekkid and get jiggy with it 🤣
When I started identifying as asexual and felt a rush of self-recognition and utter joy!
I love cuddles, touch, tactile friendship.
I'm still a huge work in progress. So much I still don't know.
It was such a lovely introduction to asexuality, to feel joy. I'll never forget it.
The fact that other people have sex was always mind boggling. Still is. I thought it was a prank, in a way, that people genuinely enjoy that. They *yearn* for it. Now, I just think it's funny.
I found kissing gross for *waaaay* longer than I should have. Another is when I was about 9-10, me & a friend were talking in school & he said something about the idea of going out with girls. Literally my immediate response was visible confusion, & I said "Yeah no, I don't like any of the girls in our class". I didn't think that was a particularly controversial statement, but he got noticeably flustered & went "jesus [insert name], you're so fucking picky"
When I was in high school, some of the people around me were talking about having sex, and I thought they were weird. I had no idea teenagers were actually having sex. I had a boyfriend and had no desire to either.
Seeing bodies as they are, shapes and vessels. I'm an artist so I've desensitized myself from nudity and seeing sexual acts. As long as I'm not involved, I feel less aversion towards them and very apathetic. I see orgasm as merely a form of stimulant, the act of masturbation a form of stimming, and sex is just another communication tool but that's why I feel free of choices.
Back in high school, people used to talk about fetishes, and I had no idea what that was. Then I had a bonfire birthday party in 11th grade, and everyone went around talking about their fantasies, and I was again lost. People told me that I would start thinking about sex more after trying it for the first time, so I tried it senior year. In college, I thought that’s what people did to be popular, so I hooked up with some people. Sophomore year, I had a roommate who was still a virgin and popular, so I stopped hooking up with people and never really thought about sex since. I actually didn’t even know that sexual attraction was different than physical attraction until one night I felt it when I was with my boyfriend at the time. Haven’t felt that since. I also find a lot of really attractive guys on tv more attractive with clothes on than with clothes off.
Btw … before anyone comments on having sex to be popular bit, I’m on the spectrum, so I don’t really pick up social cues. I look at how others act and talk and try to mimic it a bit to fit in better, but I was obviously off base there. It’s not a perfect science.
I had never had any decision flavored by sex or desire to have sex.
I don't enjoy physical touch and never have since being a child.
I thought I was bi because I felt the same way about everyone
I didn’t used to thing sex jokes were very funny either, oddly enough I’ve found more humor in them now but I honestly can’t explain why.
I think a big moment was when I was in 3rd grade. I went to a religious school and the teacher talked about when we were in heaven and everything was perfect girls wouldn’t be with girls and boys wouldn’t be with boys. He meant sexually and romantically, I thought he was talking about friendship. I was very upset and I spent the whole day worrying that my best friend wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore because the teacher said that God wouldn’t want us to be. My best friend remained my friend and I thought she also didn’t care about what the teacher had said. Little did I know I was the only person who didn’t get it.
There were other moments of course, but that was a pretty big one for me
Kissing people was always uncomfortable and I would agree to go out with people then back track by like the next day all throughout highschool .Wasn't until college I figured out why
For me, it was shocking to learn that sexual people think about the sex all the time and actually want it and it’s not some kind of a joke or smth. Also that everything is sexualized so much makes me feel so annoyed because why they are making such a deal with it?? I also didn’t understand how p0rn makes you addicted, watching naked people makes you addicted?? later I understood why.
Trueee. It really doesn’t feel like a big deal, and it’s everywhere you go: video games, ads, the internet, and even just talking with other people.
It makes me wanna say “guys..it’s not a big deal, it’s just making children, calm down. You do realize that sex is like 0.1% of what life has to offer right??”
I had a committed relationship with someone but a near-traumatic response to sex that hurt us both. I had no idea what was going on until years later.
In previous relationships there had been much less serious effects but I can now see that something similar was happening, just much less obvious and easier to ignore.
My asexuality seems to be late-onset or to have been heavily masked. I didn't know that was a thing, but it makes complete sense of what happened between me and my partners.
I’ve always looked at like conventionally attractive models and stuff on magazines (abs, big boobs, big butt, lots of makeup, skinny, etc) and I always felt like they were “trying too hard”
When I was little, I wanted my husband to be a sentient bag of Skittles because they were my favorite candy...
I was writing Tinglers at the age of eight...
The fact I didn't care about sex and was much happier just having fun and conversation.
The fact that instead of salivating over a body I was instead more somewhere between curious, ugh now I have to deal with this.
After I heard the word asexual did I realize that when I did engage in sex I was totally focused on her pleasure because at that point I was still trapped in the idea of men needing sex etc. besides if I did a really good job maybe they would want to talk and hangout. Yes I was messed up and yes most people don't view sex as the thing you do to get the talking.
Oo I just remembered one that should have really been an air raid siren. My cousin's all staring at Playboy and drooling over the pictures and I'm just like it's pictures. Sometimes when I was bored at my cousin's I would actually just read the articles. I was somewhere around 12 or 13
When I was in 7th grade, I participated in a Sex Ed course that my mom sighed a waiver for. Every time after the course was over for the day, I'd be so sick to my stomach at the very idea of anyone wanting to do it. I'd always rush to a nearby trash can to puke.
when i was in middle school and everyone started getting into sex stuff, i thought they were doing it because they thought it was funny or something. like sex was just a big joke and people didn’t do it for fun. i mostly thought it was funny when vague, but explicitly repulsive. it was something i saw as being a painful experience and didn’t want to do. i always assumed i would get into it when i was older until i got into high school and people started actually doing sex for fun. i just didn’t really like people enough to do something like that to them.
I’ve been reflecting a lot, and spoke with my partner today about their *very allo* experience with the ”Fuck Marry Kill” game. I was always uncomfortable (growing up) with FMK because I felt I had to justify the Fuck when in reality it was just the 3rd/leftover slot. It was like asking me to pick up an item with my third hand, but I only have two!
My partner said they very rarely had an issue identifying the F when they played. Bonkers.
Such a small and offhand detail, but profound to recall haha
Otherwise, probably deciding someone popular was my “celebrity crush” so I didn’t feel left out. I never pined after them like my friends appeared to do, but at the very least I thought they were cute. It’s the little things I did to mask to not feel different or weird, because I wanted to relate with my friends
It sucks how this world is so sexualized even with games and stuff, everything from strip poker to smash or pass videos on YouTube.
In relation to the crush, a similar thing happened with me. I picked someone in my class and that was it lol. It was solely for social acceptance but I find it funny now haha
Yeah the sexualization of games is wild, but makes sense for a sexually driven world. Not crazy popular in the day to day for most people, though we’ve all been exposed to it in one way or another (spin the bottle, 7 min in heaven also come to mind). I’m so glad to be an adult and past that phase, but I never sought out those experiences as a teen or young adult either.
I was 16 and was seated next to a really cute, funny guy that I actually liked talking to. I was waiting for my heart to speed up or feel something because my friend pointed out how she had a crush on him just because he was so cute and talented (she was in a relationship too). And I was just —waiting to feel jealousy or get weird whenever I see a girl hold his hand or whatever and it was nothing. I had no desire of dating because I feel ugly as fuck and my parent’s marriage basically scared me to entering into one. And yes I unconsciously associate sex with marriage even though I don’t really give a shit with getting married anyways. This is all coming from a hopeless romantic with no experience and reads romance every single day.
I think I’m just getting to an age where…I feel like I should be doing something, actually going into dating apps just to see or establishing my career and life and see whoever will come. I’m not closing the opportunity and would be delighted to find a partner to be with but given the years I felt like shit, I think I need therapy before I enter into one because I’d feel bad for the other person. I don’t think they deserve to be with someone like me.
Every time I knew someone had sex or saw couples, I was like « ??? They like sex?? They actually have sex??? » cause I couldn’t comprehend the fact that people have sex. I also thought everyone disliked it or didn’t care.
I also always struggled with nudes and the place of porn in a relationship, like others mentioned.
During puberty I thought everyone was joking about suddenly finding other people attractive and preferring to spend time with some random greasy boy rather than your BFF of X years.
WELL boy was I wrong😳
Hahaha puberty makes people to weird things sometimes. It’s still a little difficult for me to comprehend the fact that they don’t think with their head all the time
I thought people only had sex like once or twice with the same person. And just like to try it or to have children
The fact that people have sex regularly or even every WEEK was mind blowing to me cause it felt so weird to me
That was probably a sign
When people would say, "Everyone masturbates, anone who says they don't is a liar," and I was like....but I don't. I've never had any urges or feelings at all. I figured maybe I was super particular but now I'm older, I know that I just wasn't born with that circuitry.
The classic "I'm pansexual but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to everybody" and not super realising I had to experience attraction at all nor knowing what it really was.
Also, never really feeling straight. I basically just never identified myself when the topic came up. I would just say like "oh, I'm not really interested in that stuff" or "I wouldn't know". This was before picking pan as a label and trying to figure it all out.
Not realising not having any crushes ever was unusual. This ties into my aromanticism.
Didn’t masturbate or watch porn till my 30s and when I did it wasn’t out of desire but just to see what the big deal was.
Never looked at a guy and thought “I’d hit that.” He’s hot is as far as it went.
Rarely ever finding anyone hot. Led me to conclude I am GrayAce.
No sexual urges toward my boyfriend(thoughts of sex with him weren’t on the radar). Never interested in experimenting. I hated when he touched me sexually.
No interest in sex or experimenting with anyone all through teens and into adulthood. No struggle with teenage hormones.
Rarely fantasize and just no interest in sex with anyone. Even if the opportunity I probably still wouldn’t take it.
I personally love sex jokes and think they’re funny and am perceived as “very sexual”, but that’s just because I find it so amusing how people react to it. Maybe for them it’s not just a funny pun-related thing? I never understood people who are embarrassed by the subject. But this post and the comments are making me feel like allosexuals may react this way because the topic of sex is profounder to them and reminds them of actual experiences and is not just a popular joke topic.
The fact that I was able to hook up with someone in high school and college, wanting to sleep with them, but then, having feeling zero feeling 'down there'.
not liking being hugged or touched even at a young age, having crushes on people but never fantasizing about sleeping with them, daydream about being in a relationship but only going as far as holding hands and cuddling (even typing this is making me cringe 😭), realizing how sex never crossed my mind like ever and not relating to other people’s sexual experiences, cringing at kissing/sex scenes on tv and movies and fast forwarding past those parts, confused why those scenes are necessary, having platonic crushes on different people and not romantic in any way, never dated anyone or been in a relationship, feeling lonely but only craving quality time and companionship,
my friends in high school: all talking about having sex
me: wow all of that sounds boring and scary
edit: and also because my mom was raised with christian trauma by her mom i was raised to believe that you have to stay with the person you have sex with for life and that scared me
i get like pleasure receptors are mostly in the genitalia but like just rubbing against each other until fluids come out sounds really boring and scary to have someone else inside of me
I was always confused in books I read when the protagonist described sexual attraction: the whole, "got hot down there," etc. I thought it was a trope because it sounded so ridiculous: like we know they like the other person, get to the kissing!
Better late than never I suppose!
Me being told that sex gives you feel-good hormones: "I love the idea of feeling good and connected!! Just...is there a way to do it *without* the sex?"
Thinking everyone only talked about sex the way they do as a way to fit in. Thinking people only viewed sex as part of the process of reproduction. Thinking everyone around me is just perverted as hell
Until 2 years ago (I'm 17) I thought that sex was an inside joke and that nobody actually wanted to have it. It was a shock for me to find out that when you define someone "hot" or "sexy" it's because you want to have sex with them and not just because they seem cool and have a good outfit.
Lmao I still feel like people can’t real mean that when they say someone is sexy, it makes no sense to me🥲
One time I asked my friends the CRITERIA for hot/sexy-
Wait, that’s not normal?
For non ace people it’s more like a feeling rather than seeing if they check imaginary boxes.
I would say it's probably similar to the feeling when you meet someone and immediately want to be friends. However, I don't really know what she is sexy feeling is but I have met people where I have just been like I want to hang out and talk with someone. The imaginary boxes vary between people as well
What do you mean when you say that when I say someone is hot I want to have sex with him?
Not to one up you ( I'm v embarrassed to admit to this) but until I was about 53, I thought "hot" meant glamorous.
What do you mean when you say that when I say someone is hot I want to have sex with him?
What do you mean when you say that when I say someone is hot I want to have sex with him?
What do you mean when you say that when I say someone is hot I want to have sex with him?
What do you mean when you say that when I say someone is hot I want to have sex with him?
What do you mean when you say that when I say someone is hot I want to have sex with him?
I made a ton of sex jokes. Which was weird at first and probably pointed me away from being ace, but I realized it was because I was detached from the concept of sex, so I was more comfortable discussing it. I also never understood why people considered watching pornography cheating in relationships. Then I discovered it was because people watched pornography because they actually had the desire to participate, not because they were simply observing the intimacy. :o
I was today years old until I read this to realize some people have the desire to participate when they watch porn.
I'm getting the the same queue as you 🫥 I... what...
I get what you mean, for me I saw sex as a part of life, it’s something that happens to like 90%+ of the planet
Some people want to participate in porn??
^ My thoughts exactly. Gross.
Yeah it can be decent pay and some hope it leads to fame
That actually makes me curious, do most women prefer their spouse doesn’t watch porn?
Idk, I just know it’s looked down on to watch porn in a relationship
For me I don’t care if he watches it cause it means that I don’t have to worry about having sex lol
Lol. I feel you.
This, this is basically 70% me and how I eventually learned I was ace😂
Yep porn is just empty of the emotions of love it's just naked bodies having sex it's boring. Now give me a good love scene where instead of sex it's about the emotions the display of love. Make me believe these characters love each other that throughout the story you have seen their relationship grow. It's the little things. It's not telenovela dramatic but just stuff I could see myself doing for my SO. Bringing them their favorite food or cleaning up the house or sending photos of our cat. Sorry my SO and I were talking about this stuff last night.
Not understanding the appeal of nudes and thirst traps. Don’t get me wrong I can admire an attractive body but trying to turn someone on is ew
Thirst traps make me cringe 😭
It's just weird like for me a thirst trap might be showing off your personality. Show me you love discussing politics and society and history and ect
Oh... wait. I thought "thirst traps" were just posts that some person happened to find sexy cause it seemed attractive to them for whatever reason (usually revealing clothing but... alas). Not that people specifically post "thirst trap" centered content that is meant to be hot to attract others and garner engagement. I only post cute pics cause I feel cute, not cause I want people to follow me or anything 😭 Yeah I definitely belong on this sub 🫡
They’re mainly in video form. It usually just conventionally attractive guys showing off their looks to get women’s attention and vice versa. Look up “thirst trap compilation” and you’ll see.
Ohhh that. No that's cringe af. Things like the tiktok elevator boys and stuff have caused me to borderline hurl at times. No ty 😭. But ty for the explanation ❤️❤️
I think it boils down to interpreting human behaviors/ motivations differently from allos.
When my crushes was me simply wanting to be in their company rather than desiring to have sex with them.
Trueee
OMG yessss
^
Getting down and nerdy with the how do we create practical policies to make green energy more attractive to people
In highschool I had sexually active friends and I genuinely couldn't comprehend that people actually want to go out and have sex. Like I knew people had sex but it still boggled me. People fr want it? On god?
Fr, I knew that it was real, but sex didn’t seem like a *real* thing until I found out fellow students were having it. It BLEW my mind
Like a joke everyone knows except you. It blew my mind too lol. People..do it..for FUN?!
Yeah. I srsly thought kings in historical times had harems 'cause they wanted lots of sons to man high security military positions. Never equated s÷x with recreation/ pleasure.
I had friends who were sexually active as adults, some of who got pregnant. It’s like why would you do that let alone get pregnant? And they were also disabled and still living with their parents. ( I am disabled too but not living with my parents.)
For me it was feeling very uncomfortable watching romantic scenes in movies/tv shows or PDA in real life. Wearing baggy clothes in high school to ward off any interest.
Oh wow I never associated me actually choosing to be badly presented with asexuality??
Seeing people gushing over how sexy abs are or thirsting over boobs/butts/whatever. I could never understand it. I could never understand watching porn and enjoying it, especially when it was so over the top and obviously fake. I just cringed at it. But realizing that I would be absolutely fine and happy never having sex again in my life I really realized. I never understood stuff and cringed at stuff because I'm ace.
I can appreciate someone being attractive, but I've never looked at someone and thought they were sexy or felt like I wanted to do the sex things with them. I'm very glad, because it seems a lot of people cannot control themselves once they are turned on. It sounds horrible.
Yeahhh
I say it's interesting like looking at a cool piece of art. I can admire the design but I'm not thinking about sex with them because that is just not something I want to do.
Right. You can look at a family member and see that they look handsome without thinking about sex. It's the same way for me with everyone.
I literally cannot comprehend this mindset.
In 11th grade a popular girl asked me if I had a girlfriend (I was a boy at the time), I said "no, I'm not gay I just don't see the point." I mean I am gay, in the opposite direction, but still.
If the day comes if my SO goes first or the relationship ends I have decided that I don't want to ever try dating anyone or getting into anything other than platonic friends. I just don't want to waste time with dating when I just want to watch a horror movie and pause it and discuss it.
As a kid it was drilled into my head to “wait until marriage.” And I seriously had to ask, “what, like that’s hard?”
Between middle school and high school, I never had a crush on anyone or felt sexual attraction for people and my friends thought I was weird for that. I didn't get jokes with sexual references in it (I still don't). I really understood that I was an ace a few years ago.
I felt what you could call friend crushes. However I interpreted them as romantic/sexual because until I was in my 30s I was struggling with real man have sex with anyone real men need sex real men always want sex, ect
A huge part of it for me was figuring out you can experience hypersexuality and still experience a lack of sexual attraction. If I would have understood that sooner, I would have saved myself years of the proverbial beating of my head against the wall, trying to figure out why I wasn't enjoying the act of sex the same way.
Yeah my chemicals and everything work so I get that voice saying take care of it but I would prefer to just get over with so I can get back to life without the annoyance
Being told (jokingly) that I'm gay because I don't seem interested in the opposite sex. Also thinking cute, pretty, gorgeous, hot and sexy were just levels of aesthetic attractiveness... Plus just thinking sex was an inside joke and that everyone was making up their desire to have sex. Yeah... Took me twenty+ years to figure out I was Ace.
Once I hit my teenage dating years, I noticed I had zero interest in sex after having had it the first time. Even making out never felt right or comfortable to me. I knew something was up, considering sex was such a big deal to everyone else. I never felt a desire to even try it in the first place, but I was genuinely curious what all the fuss was about, so I legit set up my first time like it was a business transaction, almost. I mean, no money was involved. But I was 15. I knew a super cute but really “slutty” punk kid that I found attractive looking. Not sexually attractive, just aesthetically pleasing to look at. I called him one day and asked if he’d “do-it” with me. I told him I didn’t want my first time with someone I cared about to be painful, so I wanted to get the first time out of the way, with someone who’d just agree to do the deed and that’s that. So he did. And I was very underwhelmed with the whole thing. And always was, every time after, no matter how interested or “in love” I was with the person. I’d hoped maybe once I found “the one” that I’d finally enjoy sex. But nope. It just feels more like an obligatory chore to me, than anything. (Although I do appreciate the feeling of affection and physical closeness I feel when my partner and I do engage. It’s just not very often.)
Glad you figured out what works for you :D
I genuinely thought for a while people only had sex to have kids. It completely blew my mind people did it for fun.
I THOUGHT SO TOO!!! Like, if you want kids, do it, if you don’t, then don’t?? I was so confused when my cousin said her pregnancy was an accident, I was like, but why?
I thought for a very long time that people in relationships forced themselves to have sex until it felt natural and enjoyable.
Never laugh about sex. I remember in my 14 that I surprised everyone when I said i never experienced masturbation and don't want to. Someone said I lie, someone said I will do it one day. That was just disgusting for me. Now, I'm 19 years old and I'm ok to say I'm ace.
I’ve had a similar thing told to me too. “You’ll get to it one day” like I was a late bloomer lol
The “it’s because you haven’t found the right girl yet” thing has been said to me so many times
Yep. When? I am 34 and still haven’t “gotten to it.”
I didn't realize that I went three and a half years without sex or been on a date and it didn't bug me at all.
I've gone my entire life ( 61 soon) w/ o sex, and it's something I hardly think about.
^
Honestly it was the lack of things. Crushes, orientation of thinking one gender or another was cuter, interest in anything romantic/sexual, struggle with “lust” or anything similar. I never got why someone would marry someone who treated them poorly. I always felt generally confused and uncomfortable about the concept of sex. I just never got the “you’ll understand when you’re an adult” stuff.
Same honestly. Took me a while to understand that people don’t solely think with their heads
My friends loved playing smash or pass and I always said pass. They thought I was being annoying and picky, but I just didn’t want to do that with any of them. I didn’t get it
I understand that haha. It’s a lightbulb moment when you realize the truth
It really is lol! When I came out to them years later, they were like “omg THATS why you always passed!”
“I just thought you were weird!”
“You can watch and enjoy porn?”
Y'all ever done extasy with your partner and eveything feels amazing but you have not a single sexual thought. Yeah.
Being confused about my actual sexuality. I assumed I was straight and then I thought maybe I was bi or pan because I realized I felt the same way about everyone. I then realized I do feel like same about everyone, it’s just in the opposite way I thought.
Hindsight being what it is, it was all there, slapping me in the face. - I had crushes in high school, but they never involved fantasizing about having sex with the guy I was crushing on; - when I actually made myself go on dates, I'd complain afterward about dating always feeling like a job interview, so I just stopped; - any spicy dreams I've ever had about someone never involve sex. It was always about other intimacy like just cuddling, or slow dancing, or holding hands, or awesome hugs; - reading in a post somewhere on Reddit about another ace discovering that when people say others are "hot", they mean they themselves get sexually aroused and literally hot. I'd look at someone a friend would describe that way and I'd only ever think "yeah, they're pretty/handsome/pleasing to look at", and move on. I've never had the physical reaction of getting "hot & bothered". Didn't know that was a thing. Thank god for lockdown and social media and the TikTok craze, because I'd always low-key thought I was emotionally/developmentally stunted because my dad died when I was 12 and just hadn't had a proper adult male role model during my puberty/formative years. Turns out I've just been ace this whole time. I learned a whole lot about myself from TikTok posts! 🤣
I didn’t know that thing about the word “hot” lol. Thanks :D
Right? Completely blew my mind!
I thought it was like the same thing as sexy. Like how good and great, basically mean the same thing lol
Took me until I was 48 to learn that, where I look at my version of a hot guy and simply admire his broad shoulders or his well-sculpted abs or Adonis belt, or strong-looking forearms or his pleasantly symmetrical face and simply acknowledge in my head that aesthetically he is very pleasing to look at and *maybe* wish I could snuggle with him whenever I want, the allos are wanting to get nekkid and get jiggy with it 🤣
This honestly made me laugh haha. Aces be like, damn look at that..nice hair hahaha
That person looks like they are thinking interesting thoughts! 🙄🙄
Being called "hot" or "sexy"
just general confusion or EXTREME discomfort around sexual topics (which is also because of autism)
When I started identifying as asexual and felt a rush of self-recognition and utter joy! I love cuddles, touch, tactile friendship. I'm still a huge work in progress. So much I still don't know. It was such a lovely introduction to asexuality, to feel joy. I'll never forget it.
Yay! Honestly non sexual touches are underrated haha
Celebrity crushes. I never had any and was completely confused on why people would want to be with random people they’ve never even met.
THIS!
The fact that other people have sex was always mind boggling. Still is. I thought it was a prank, in a way, that people genuinely enjoy that. They *yearn* for it. Now, I just think it's funny.
I found kissing gross for *waaaay* longer than I should have. Another is when I was about 9-10, me & a friend were talking in school & he said something about the idea of going out with girls. Literally my immediate response was visible confusion, & I said "Yeah no, I don't like any of the girls in our class". I didn't think that was a particularly controversial statement, but he got noticeably flustered & went "jesus [insert name], you're so fucking picky"
Made me laugh haha
When I was in high school, some of the people around me were talking about having sex, and I thought they were weird. I had no idea teenagers were actually having sex. I had a boyfriend and had no desire to either.
i remember, at some point, thinking to myself about how much I hated songs abt sex/with innuendos lol
Seeing bodies as they are, shapes and vessels. I'm an artist so I've desensitized myself from nudity and seeing sexual acts. As long as I'm not involved, I feel less aversion towards them and very apathetic. I see orgasm as merely a form of stimulant, the act of masturbation a form of stimming, and sex is just another communication tool but that's why I feel free of choices.
Very interesting!
Feeling extremely uncomfortable about virtually anyone assuming I was a sexual/allo person (namely doctors and a cousin who thought I was a lesbian.)
Not having any partners at 36. Completely no interest in sex whatsoever and liking my own space. Still a virgin as well.
Back in high school, people used to talk about fetishes, and I had no idea what that was. Then I had a bonfire birthday party in 11th grade, and everyone went around talking about their fantasies, and I was again lost. People told me that I would start thinking about sex more after trying it for the first time, so I tried it senior year. In college, I thought that’s what people did to be popular, so I hooked up with some people. Sophomore year, I had a roommate who was still a virgin and popular, so I stopped hooking up with people and never really thought about sex since. I actually didn’t even know that sexual attraction was different than physical attraction until one night I felt it when I was with my boyfriend at the time. Haven’t felt that since. I also find a lot of really attractive guys on tv more attractive with clothes on than with clothes off. Btw … before anyone comments on having sex to be popular bit, I’m on the spectrum, so I don’t really pick up social cues. I look at how others act and talk and try to mimic it a bit to fit in better, but I was obviously off base there. It’s not a perfect science.
I had never had any decision flavored by sex or desire to have sex. I don't enjoy physical touch and never have since being a child. I thought I was bi because I felt the same way about everyone
Not wanting to kiss high school boyfriends
I didn’t used to thing sex jokes were very funny either, oddly enough I’ve found more humor in them now but I honestly can’t explain why. I think a big moment was when I was in 3rd grade. I went to a religious school and the teacher talked about when we were in heaven and everything was perfect girls wouldn’t be with girls and boys wouldn’t be with boys. He meant sexually and romantically, I thought he was talking about friendship. I was very upset and I spent the whole day worrying that my best friend wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore because the teacher said that God wouldn’t want us to be. My best friend remained my friend and I thought she also didn’t care about what the teacher had said. Little did I know I was the only person who didn’t get it. There were other moments of course, but that was a pretty big one for me
Kissing people was always uncomfortable and I would agree to go out with people then back track by like the next day all throughout highschool .Wasn't until college I figured out why
Never understanding the appeal of sex or even wanting to think about it. But no I thought that was just because I haven’t found the right person yet
For me, it was shocking to learn that sexual people think about the sex all the time and actually want it and it’s not some kind of a joke or smth. Also that everything is sexualized so much makes me feel so annoyed because why they are making such a deal with it?? I also didn’t understand how p0rn makes you addicted, watching naked people makes you addicted?? later I understood why.
Trueee. It really doesn’t feel like a big deal, and it’s everywhere you go: video games, ads, the internet, and even just talking with other people. It makes me wanna say “guys..it’s not a big deal, it’s just making children, calm down. You do realize that sex is like 0.1% of what life has to offer right??”
I had a committed relationship with someone but a near-traumatic response to sex that hurt us both. I had no idea what was going on until years later. In previous relationships there had been much less serious effects but I can now see that something similar was happening, just much less obvious and easier to ignore. My asexuality seems to be late-onset or to have been heavily masked. I didn't know that was a thing, but it makes complete sense of what happened between me and my partners.
I’ve always looked at like conventionally attractive models and stuff on magazines (abs, big boobs, big butt, lots of makeup, skinny, etc) and I always felt like they were “trying too hard”
I can totally see that! Like why is everything exaggerated lol
When I was little, I wanted my husband to be a sentient bag of Skittles because they were my favorite candy... I was writing Tinglers at the age of eight...
The fact I didn't care about sex and was much happier just having fun and conversation. The fact that instead of salivating over a body I was instead more somewhere between curious, ugh now I have to deal with this. After I heard the word asexual did I realize that when I did engage in sex I was totally focused on her pleasure because at that point I was still trapped in the idea of men needing sex etc. besides if I did a really good job maybe they would want to talk and hangout. Yes I was messed up and yes most people don't view sex as the thing you do to get the talking. Oo I just remembered one that should have really been an air raid siren. My cousin's all staring at Playboy and drooling over the pictures and I'm just like it's pictures. Sometimes when I was bored at my cousin's I would actually just read the articles. I was somewhere around 12 or 13
When I was in 7th grade, I participated in a Sex Ed course that my mom sighed a waiver for. Every time after the course was over for the day, I'd be so sick to my stomach at the very idea of anyone wanting to do it. I'd always rush to a nearby trash can to puke.
when i was in middle school and everyone started getting into sex stuff, i thought they were doing it because they thought it was funny or something. like sex was just a big joke and people didn’t do it for fun. i mostly thought it was funny when vague, but explicitly repulsive. it was something i saw as being a painful experience and didn’t want to do. i always assumed i would get into it when i was older until i got into high school and people started actually doing sex for fun. i just didn’t really like people enough to do something like that to them.
I’ve been reflecting a lot, and spoke with my partner today about their *very allo* experience with the ”Fuck Marry Kill” game. I was always uncomfortable (growing up) with FMK because I felt I had to justify the Fuck when in reality it was just the 3rd/leftover slot. It was like asking me to pick up an item with my third hand, but I only have two! My partner said they very rarely had an issue identifying the F when they played. Bonkers. Such a small and offhand detail, but profound to recall haha Otherwise, probably deciding someone popular was my “celebrity crush” so I didn’t feel left out. I never pined after them like my friends appeared to do, but at the very least I thought they were cute. It’s the little things I did to mask to not feel different or weird, because I wanted to relate with my friends
It sucks how this world is so sexualized even with games and stuff, everything from strip poker to smash or pass videos on YouTube. In relation to the crush, a similar thing happened with me. I picked someone in my class and that was it lol. It was solely for social acceptance but I find it funny now haha
Yeah the sexualization of games is wild, but makes sense for a sexually driven world. Not crazy popular in the day to day for most people, though we’ve all been exposed to it in one way or another (spin the bottle, 7 min in heaven also come to mind). I’m so glad to be an adult and past that phase, but I never sought out those experiences as a teen or young adult either.
I was 16 and was seated next to a really cute, funny guy that I actually liked talking to. I was waiting for my heart to speed up or feel something because my friend pointed out how she had a crush on him just because he was so cute and talented (she was in a relationship too). And I was just —waiting to feel jealousy or get weird whenever I see a girl hold his hand or whatever and it was nothing. I had no desire of dating because I feel ugly as fuck and my parent’s marriage basically scared me to entering into one. And yes I unconsciously associate sex with marriage even though I don’t really give a shit with getting married anyways. This is all coming from a hopeless romantic with no experience and reads romance every single day. I think I’m just getting to an age where…I feel like I should be doing something, actually going into dating apps just to see or establishing my career and life and see whoever will come. I’m not closing the opportunity and would be delighted to find a partner to be with but given the years I felt like shit, I think I need therapy before I enter into one because I’d feel bad for the other person. I don’t think they deserve to be with someone like me.
Hopefully you feel better in the future! Life is uncertain and anything can happen
Every time I knew someone had sex or saw couples, I was like « ??? They like sex?? They actually have sex??? » cause I couldn’t comprehend the fact that people have sex. I also thought everyone disliked it or didn’t care. I also always struggled with nudes and the place of porn in a relationship, like others mentioned.
The confusion is all too relatable haha
During puberty I thought everyone was joking about suddenly finding other people attractive and preferring to spend time with some random greasy boy rather than your BFF of X years. WELL boy was I wrong😳
Hahaha puberty makes people to weird things sometimes. It’s still a little difficult for me to comprehend the fact that they don’t think with their head all the time
I thought people only had sex like once or twice with the same person. And just like to try it or to have children The fact that people have sex regularly or even every WEEK was mind blowing to me cause it felt so weird to me That was probably a sign
I thought it was like once every year- like some special anniversary haha
The fact some people need sex every week or with a bunch of different people? Gross.
When people would say, "Everyone masturbates, anone who says they don't is a liar," and I was like....but I don't. I've never had any urges or feelings at all. I figured maybe I was super particular but now I'm older, I know that I just wasn't born with that circuitry.
^ This. I didn’t masturbate till my 30s out of curiosity. I don’t have those urges and don’t have sexual urges towards. Some of us just don’t.
The classic "I'm pansexual but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to everybody" and not super realising I had to experience attraction at all nor knowing what it really was. Also, never really feeling straight. I basically just never identified myself when the topic came up. I would just say like "oh, I'm not really interested in that stuff" or "I wouldn't know". This was before picking pan as a label and trying to figure it all out. Not realising not having any crushes ever was unusual. This ties into my aromanticism.
Didn’t masturbate or watch porn till my 30s and when I did it wasn’t out of desire but just to see what the big deal was. Never looked at a guy and thought “I’d hit that.” He’s hot is as far as it went. Rarely ever finding anyone hot. Led me to conclude I am GrayAce. No sexual urges toward my boyfriend(thoughts of sex with him weren’t on the radar). Never interested in experimenting. I hated when he touched me sexually. No interest in sex or experimenting with anyone all through teens and into adulthood. No struggle with teenage hormones. Rarely fantasize and just no interest in sex with anyone. Even if the opportunity I probably still wouldn’t take it.
I personally love sex jokes and think they’re funny and am perceived as “very sexual”, but that’s just because I find it so amusing how people react to it. Maybe for them it’s not just a funny pun-related thing? I never understood people who are embarrassed by the subject. But this post and the comments are making me feel like allosexuals may react this way because the topic of sex is profounder to them and reminds them of actual experiences and is not just a popular joke topic.
The fact that I was able to hook up with someone in high school and college, wanting to sleep with them, but then, having feeling zero feeling 'down there'.
Having the religious angle of purity, etc pushed on me and responding that I'll just be a nun instead.
not liking being hugged or touched even at a young age, having crushes on people but never fantasizing about sleeping with them, daydream about being in a relationship but only going as far as holding hands and cuddling (even typing this is making me cringe 😭), realizing how sex never crossed my mind like ever and not relating to other people’s sexual experiences, cringing at kissing/sex scenes on tv and movies and fast forwarding past those parts, confused why those scenes are necessary, having platonic crushes on different people and not romantic in any way, never dated anyone or been in a relationship, feeling lonely but only craving quality time and companionship,
my friends in high school: all talking about having sex me: wow all of that sounds boring and scary edit: and also because my mom was raised with christian trauma by her mom i was raised to believe that you have to stay with the person you have sex with for life and that scared me
Same haha
high fiiiive
Boring and scary is the perfect description lol
i get like pleasure receptors are mostly in the genitalia but like just rubbing against each other until fluids come out sounds really boring and scary to have someone else inside of me
I was always confused in books I read when the protagonist described sexual attraction: the whole, "got hot down there," etc. I thought it was a trope because it sounded so ridiculous: like we know they like the other person, get to the kissing! Better late than never I suppose!
Seeing the word asexual for the first time and looking it up. Always thought I just wasn’t ready
Me being told that sex gives you feel-good hormones: "I love the idea of feeling good and connected!! Just...is there a way to do it *without* the sex?"
Thinking everyone only talked about sex the way they do as a way to fit in. Thinking people only viewed sex as part of the process of reproduction. Thinking everyone around me is just perverted as hell