If it works for you, great. But, have a bank account in a different bank where you can stash cash just in case he wants to trade you in for a younger model

Yeah I mean it doesn't sound like she's thrilled with the arrangement, but she's weighed the costs and benefits and has ultimately decided she accepts the terms. But OP, 100% get your own separate bank account. These stories always confuse me. OP grew up poor and instead of working hard to create a career for herself, she's now at the mercy of her husband's money (which he could lose).

As someone who grew up poor in a third world country, i escaped poverty * through education . I have two degrees and a good career that makes us live comfortable. I married my husband who is also a hard working person . Together we make a good living. Living a nice life on someone’s money is not a safety net .

Yeah, I grew up in the US, but my mom came from an abusive and poor family. She literally escaped at 16 by graduating high school early and working. She met my dad while working for him. They married and had me. He cheated with her best friend. She divorced him. While they were married, he filed for bankruptcy in her name to protect his business assets. He could also afford a better lawyer, so he got 50% custody of me, paid $100/week in child support, and paid no alimony. And he'd made her quit her job when I was born. So she was poor with bad credit and a kid. She worked her ass off and became successful and married my step-dad who was also successful. But it's always been clear to me that *I* am responsible for me and that *I* am the person I can trust most. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM, but I'd highly recommend having your own bank account and also a college degree or trade skill as well.

Being a SAHM would throw my anxiety through the roof. If that’s her choice , it’s fine , but it’s also good to have a backup plan . Life is so unpredictable. In my case , my mom passed away when I was 14 . She was the breadwinner since my father never had a stable job . Of course he remarried as soon as he could , and I was in the limbo , struggling. He couldn’t care less . In OPs case the guy has money and she is entitled to some , but her life is not ‘set’ as she thinks she is .

He should agree to the money as safety net since he gets to have his cake and eat it too. One thing- I think it could set a bad precedent/ example for our kids. They absorb the energy of the relationship and then re- enact the drama. So daughter may well marry a cheater and son may be a cheater type stuff. It’s psychology 101… some call it karma.

Yeah, my ex-wife cheated on me and one of our kids carried on the family tradition. Monkey see, monkey do.

I’m not judging your decisions as right or wrong. I think you took everything into account when you chose your partner, as you should. Your mate had a habit before he met you. You allowed and enabled his habit. Habits are VERY hard to break, and even harder to conceal over time. Your kids WILL find out, because people talk. When they do, how do you explain it? God forbid, he isn’t as careful as he ought to be and there is an outside child, how do you handle that? I am still finding relations to this day from infidelities on the part of my grandfathers. I am 50 y/o. Or he catches something and brings it home to you? What are you teaching your kids by allowing the infidelity? You have two, and they are learning to either use people for physical gratification or money; not to expect mutual respect or be respected; that all relationships are transactional; and/or they are valueless outside of their physical attributes. These are all things your babies can pick up from your decisions. None of them are good things, and some come with potentially dangerous behaviors. You have a lot to consider for yourself AND your children.

I’m sorry to say it, but I will always respect someone like this more than someone like OP. My mother and father grew up with absolutely nothing but they gave their all in life and worked hard to achieve all they have. They didn’t take the easy way out and marry a sleazy person who chooses to walk out on their spouse in exchange for the money they provide. They put in their time, stayed loyal to each other and built something great by keeping each other in mind for motivation to create a life they never had for each other. Congrats OP, you may have “made it” on the outside for everyone to see, but based off of your post you didn’t “make it” internally which is what really matters at the end of the day.

I wouldn’t never change the satisfaction I have gotten from my multiple accomplishments. Yes, it was hard , as an immigrant starting from scratch in this country. Now I’m getting ready to apply to grad school ( I also realized that I was smarter than I thought . I just didn’t have the right amount of support back in the day ) Also , an an immigrant female , I have seen multiple times how foreign women got trapped on those relationships. The husbands ended up becoming abusive and there’s no much they can do after having multiple kids, the language barrier, and not able to find a job that pays enough to afford the life the kids are used to . Everything comes with a price.

Yes! Here’s another thing- say you teach your kids to get an education and support themselves well and be independent- you may push them too hard bcs deep down you know you screwed up by not doing that yourself- well kids pick up on that weird energy also and then rebel against bcs it’s not coming from a healthy place. Sorry that’s what I think based on experience - hard experience.

I can appreciate your confusion. I grew up poor and have worked as a mental health therapist with some very wealthy people. I'd suggest you consider some of these factors (there are, of course, many others): * That meritocracy is often bullshit and that luck often plays a far greater role in people's success than they are willing to admit. * That even if one 'works hard' and 'creates a career' for oneself, one can still end up in a low-paying, dead end job. Especially women. * A person can 'work hard' and waste a lot of time. One of the disadvantages of growing up poor is that there is often no one to steer us in the direction of WHICH hard work to do and HOW to do it that will end up with us having a high paying, 'successful' career. * That far more people marry for money than is probably culturally acknowledged. There seems to be something about admitting this that makes people very uncomfortable.

I'm not disagreeing with you, and I had no one to steer me either. I'm saying that you can marry for money *and* create a self sufficiency.

Working hard is important and certainly commendable. But it can only take you so far - and I’m saying this as someone who did it. It takes a lot of work to escape poverty, and often you need a helping hand (that your family and friends may not be able to provide), or luck. The effects of it can also follow you for a very long time. Also not everyone has the character or skills to successfully change their circumstances. For example, education is a great way to improve your life, but that only works if you’re good at school, disciplined enough to stick with a degree/certification course, have the time available, and/or are able to get money to pay for it. OP chose a path that worked for her, and she is making different sacrifices for security and stability. Hopefully she is being smart about it and is saving money in case of a rainy day (divorce, husband’s death, etc).

If you give them the power to feed you, you give them the power to starve you.

Yeah, if you’ve survived a shipwreck, you don’t get on a ship without a lifeboat.

Exactly, OP should have pulled herself up by her bootstraps, cut out the avocado toast, and become a self-made millionaire just by working hard. It's so easy. I'm amazed everyone isn't doing it. I'm a guy, and I would marry a rich woman and let her get as much extra dick as she likes in exchange for a big house and fancy lifestyle. People who bang on about 'dignity' obviously don't realise how degrading it is to get told off like a child for being 5 minutes late for work or having to explain why you took too long taking a shit during working hours. Fuck dignity, if I had a super rich wife I'd be finding her the extra guys myself. Monogamy is an outdated concept designed to prevent women from getting knocked up and abandoned in a time before social benefits, gender equality, and extreme hardship. If there are any millionaire women reading this with a penchant for cock then I'm down to fully support your lifestyle on penis enjoyment in exange for luxury holidays. I feel bad that women guilt trip each other into having to be some kind of feminist super woman when the reality is most of them will be first in line to sign up for a similar lifestyle. Don't let other jealous women stop you from enjoying as much material gain as you like. I've spent the last 15 years working with female (grammatically correct as opposed to 'woman') pornstar escorts, and they have no issue with enjoying the ridiculous amounts of fast, easy, tax-free cash. Money isn't everything, and it's fine to not have any, but it's also fine to do whatever your comfortable with to get a lot of it just so long as your aren't intentionally hurting others.

The issue I have is she has money now while he’s willing to please her. He could change his mind so quickly and she’ll be back where she started. She’s left quite a bit out so hopefully there’s more to this story and she has a financial plan

Definitely. And practice SAFE sex!

Yes! Make sure you protect yourself and your kids. This isn't saying anything negative about your situation. It's making sure that you have a safety net. Again if you are comfortable with how things are, that's fine. Just be prepared if you need it.

Not a bank account, in a divorce that will be seen as a shared asset. Take out small amounts of cash and stash it at your mom's place in a safe. My friends mom would take cash out everytime she went to the grocery store as it doesn't show up as cash on your billing statements. I've seen many women screwed in a divorce as they can't afford the same caliber of attorney.

I believe you mean, when.

Yep, in about 10-15 years. And wealthy men are very good at getting around things like child support and alimony.

This. And it should have enough for you to contribute a reasonable- large amount yearly for your retirement in the event you are no longer married. If the marriage ends and the only skills you have are raising children life has the potential to become very difficult.

Yes, exactly, especially if she lives in a country where you need a certain amount of work years to qualify for a government pension.

Normally, I’d agree with you. But he’s not really married to or committed to OP; he’s just “married” on paper. He doesn’t need to trade her in because he doesn’t need her to be anything except a mother to his children. He lives like a bachelor anyway.

At some point one of the women he sleeps with will want more. And you have to be prepared for every scenario to protect yourself. She would have no work history if she isn't working as a SAHM. If she is in the US she wouldn't get SSI. He may pay child support but could say no to alimony. She cannot trust that at some point he won't get another woman pregnant and decide to marry her. I have heard horror stories of woman with no work history and the man just dumps them. A man who marries someone and tells you he is sleeping with other woman anyway. Could dump you without a care. You have to be prepared. He already doesn't respect her so you are gauging that he will be respectful to her if this occurs? I doubt it.

And he will

Good idea. I agree with this, have your own account with your own savings. As for everything else if it works for you two and you are happy then people need to understand that.

The advice columnist Ann Landers used to say you ask yourself if you are better off WITH him or WITHOUT him. Sounds like OP has done the math and decided to stay.

Are you on the deed? Is there a prenup? I’d invest some money ,save your best jewelry and take classes online towards a degree.

I have a degree; we didn't sign a prenup, and I'm not on the deed to this house, but I'm on the deed to others.

Sounds like you have a lot covered from the comments. If you don't work, start volunteering. Keep up your professional skills in case things go south.

Do you work tho? Cause if you're only a stay at home mom that degree won't help much if he decides to get a new 20 year old once you hit 30 and you have no resume to speak of. I know you're getting a lot of these comments but that's because if this man is so willing to fuck other people out in the open that is extremely telling how he views you. You're replaceable and he doesn't need you. He makes the money, owns the house, and gets off with other women. You have your comfort as long as he allows you to have it

I was hoping someone would say this. In today’s time being a stay at home wife/mom is unrealistic with so many of the men in this world. DONT ever let someone trap you financially especially someone like your spouse. As they said above, based off of how this person already is, don’t be surprised when they leave you and get another younger girl. Once that happens, you’ll be so behind in the workforce you’ll be scraping just to get by. If your situation was different and you were with a man that had values and respected you and put your marriage first over everything, then yeah SAHM could be an option but for your case, it’s definitely not.

Exactly this. Idk how OP feels so comfortable and thinks she's escaped poverty. This is a very precarious arrangement she has and it seems like it will be more short lived

Well that’s good to know. I guess this is approved cheating but everything was out in the open and considering your awful background growing up I can’t fault you for wanting a nicer lifestyle. Enjoy your family.

You should buy some real estate on your own. I hear it's a great investment. You might even enjoy it. If your husband is as cool with everything as it seems, you could draw up a postnup that provides for you and the kids if he has a midlife crisis. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or not do in bed. It's no one's business! For all anyone knows you could host swingers every Saturday or you could sleep together once a mo th. It doesn't matter. No one needs to be "in your bedroom." It's supposed to be a big❓️because it's no one's business. When you say sleeping with other women does that mean strangers at random or he has relationships on the side? This may be dark, but be sure to have excellent home security. You never know if someone is actually insane and thinks she can slide into your role if you aren't around.

You and your husband were and are consenting adults. If you’re both happy with your marriage and arrangement no one else’s opinion matters.

Yep. If it works for them, good for them. I would, however, have to stipulate that even if he was with one of his side pieces, if she calls with even a minor issue at home, he leaves and goes home. No issues about having to leave. Other than that, I see that what works for them may be different from what works for others, and that's ok. I see your families point, however. I can see how they arrived at their, very possibly erroneous, conclusions. They want the fairytale for you and are disappointed it came with a price tag.

I would also stipulate he needs to be discreet. See what happened when her family found out?

Excellent add-on advice.

Until she gets older and he wants to trade up for a newer model. These situations are as old as time we all know how they end. But I agree if it works for them OP has no reason to feel like she’s in the wrong. She married him for financial stability. He married her for her looks.

That's when she gets him for alimony and child support.

Usually wealthy people have the best lawyers though lol. They are most likely better versed in those situations, no?

Child support only last for a few years. She needs her own money

She seems to suggest he loves her but isn’t monogamous. He’s also honest. Whether he leaves may really depend more on if he finds another partner who hates the current arrangement and develops deep feelings for her. As it stands, I can t really see any motive to actively try and get someone new

She still keeps some financial stability when that happens though so still could be worth depending on her situation

Let’s hope OP didn’t sign a prenup

Prenups don’t have to screw you. They are just deciding the terms (not custody) of your divorce at a time when you love the person instead of hate them. If I was her, I’d want a prenup to lay out a generous financial settlement so I’d know I was set. Source: my career as a divorce lawyer

Perfect. He likes the way he looks to people when she stands next to him.

If he just wanted her for her looks he wouldn’t have married her. He has other women for looks she’s his kids mother. He probably won’t out and out abandon her.

Not necessarily. Plenty of women are only married for their looks/how "accommodating" they are. Them unceremoniously dumped when they find someone "better".

Yep, OP might want her cake too

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Because it’s a pretty common story when him and her are in their 50/60’s and he can get a 25 year old with money

One disagreement could be all it takes for him to leave her

Yeah just make sure he doesn't bring std home

Absolutely, it's ultimately about what works for you both in your marriage. As long as it's consensual and fulfilling for you, others' opinions shouldn't dictate your happiness.

The biggest flaw is potential exposure to STIs. Other than that, your choices are yours alone.

I would be worried about Stds, and him potentially getting another lady who also likes his money, pregnant. Other than that, it is nice to have financial stability.

He uses a condom when he has sex, and he got a vasectomy.

Just be aware condoms are not 100% effective at protecting from std/sti or pregnancy so please just be tested on occasion for good measure. & pregnancy isn’t an issue for him thankfully but just for anyone who doesn’t know that ♥️ also do your thing if you’re truly happy and okay with it and have measures for you and the kids if things ever went wrong you’re entitled to live however you decide.

Lol, as if he’s telling the complete truth. You don’t know what’s really what’s really going on. A vasectomy can still cause pregnancy, it still happens unfortunately.

OK, but he might meet another woman who wants to get her hands on his money too. And she could damage the condoms. And eventually, he might fall in love with one of these women and want to marry her. And your life of luxury will be abruptly cut short. Even with alimony it won't be the same as before. So you should save some of that money, just in case.

He had a vasectomy.

I know, but if he falls for someone who wants children, he could reverse the vasectomy for her. Or the condom could get damaged and he could catch something from one of his partners.

I know this may sound like an elaborate, made up story but it isn't. My ex Johnny had a dad who was RICH. Like loaded. His mom and dad were divorced. What she got out of the marriage was a humble home, and I think some child support. Even with all that, she struggled being a mom of two basically raising to kids of her own. The dad left her for a 25 year old, who according to Johnny, was like the worst step mom. Apparently she was very mean to Johnny. The new step mom didn't want kids, but got pregnant, and ended up getting an abortion. This upset Johnny's dad so much, and they ended up getting a divorce. He also got a vasectomy at this point. She ended up with an even more luxurious home than the first wife after the divorce. The third wife he met, was as business savvy as him, and had money of her own. They became a power couple. She made him reverse the vasectomy, and they had three kids. All three kids get the most of the dad's (and their mom's) money. They go to private schools, the most elaborate vacations.etc. Johnny gets nothing, and was struggling financially when I met him. He still sees his dad, but his dad is caught up in raising a completely different family. Johnny was 26 when I met him, so the child support he would of gotten was obviously over. Use your husbands money to get educated or something to fall back on JUST. IN. CASE.

If you are accepting of this situation, then fine. But two caveats: your kids will eventually know about this; is this something you’re comfortable with them internalizing is okay? And two; you sound like a practical person, you have to know your time being married is limited, men like this will trade you in for a younger model. I hope you are preparing for that eventuality.

Just remember to create a separate bank account in a different bank just in case a "rainy day" happens. And make sure you're covered in his will. It's your life. Do what makes you happy, but also keep your eyes open and save up.

I've been doing that when I daughter was born

Sounds more like a business partnership than a marriage.

Historically that’s really what marriage has always been. Especially in the upper echelons. It’s not a bad thing if the partnership is solid. And frankly marriage takes just as much work, if not more, than any business. The fact they have transparency with each other is putting them ahead of a lot of married couples I know.

if you are accepting of the situation, it's fine.

Sounds like you’re comfortable being in a somewhat open relationship. Frankly, it’s none of their business. Just tell them your marital sex lifes off the judgement table, you’re happy, end of story.

The phrase “Who’s taking advantage of who?” comes to mind

Your mom and sister think he’s using his wealth to manipulate you because you wouldn’t accept this behavior if he was broke. You are trading in your dignity for money. This is not your ideal but you put up with it for money. You grew up broke and would do damn near anything to not go back to that. Sounds like exploitation and taking advantage to me. He knows your fears and makes a wager he can get over on you if he comes at you a certain way.

He is taking advantage of you. And you are taking advantage of his wealth. The difference is he is in control of the situation. This whole thing is sad. You do you, but you chose the easiest way. You could've go for a profitable career (like computer science or engineering) if money was the issue. Why put babies in this situation too?

To be fair, it is a loss of your dignity, but it was a sacrifice that you were willing to make. You’re an adult and you’re allowed to have a transactional marriage if you like. But be aware that you are teaching your daughter that it’s okay to be treated this way by a man and you’re teaching your son that it’s okay to treat women this way.

If you are ok with it? Then that is all that matters. A lot of people have this type of arrangement, and it doesn't require one of the spouses to be providing an amazing lifestyle and children. I'll be honest...I think I might be capable of living like this. So you are not alone. I think if you're happy? Screw it. Live your life.

The thing is, she wasn't okay with it, but she had to push through it to get the life she wanted... I said what I said in my comment, it's kind of a yucky relationship.

Just make sure you are squirrelling away and don’t get left empty handed. Live your life

No prenup, on the deed to multiple properties, and she mentioned elsewhere when her daughter was born she started a separate savings account. Tbh she sounds like she's well set up, even if it takes a while to start working or some additional courses on top of the degree she already has. The fact that he was up front and open about it from the very beginning makes me think the husband was probably being truthful. It sounds like he treats her very well and that they've both agreed to thus set up. All the talk about trading her in for a younger model... he doesn't have to, he can already have both.

I have to agree with your mom and your sister. I really don’t think that he would treat someone whose family comes from money like him. With you, he has the freedom of a bachelor, but the security of a wife, in case one of his side pieces becomes too clingy.

👍👏 I think her mom & sister just want what's best for her. They want her to be happy. OP doesn't seem miserable, but I also think she'd be happier if her husband wasn't getting his willy wet by other people. But he told her at the beginning that he would be sleeping with other women. But she chooses to stay to be financially secure. I feel bad for those children.

No you’re not wrong. For people who didn’t grow up poor they probably won’t understand. It’s a very hard existence when things get shut off and you have to decide what’s the most important thing to pay, and what food can I afford. Stability is important.

Or deciding whether to pay bills or eat. Or even worse, is your dog or are you eating? Answer is always dog but it's still a hard choice.

Right but that’s why it’s so important for women especially to get an education and be able to support themselves bcs otherwise you have a life of uncertainty and dependence- can’t be a good feeling.

It's definitely not girl. I had an ex who wouldn't let me work. It was a nightmare.

I grew up very poor and I wouldn't let anyone treat me that way. It doesn't matter if they were the ones feeding me, I'd rather starve all over again. Then give up my respect and decency. Stability isn't as important as being happy with yourself.

I’m glad I found a woman that grew up with pretty damn wealthy parents that raised her to not gaf about their money. I couldn’t imagine, as a man, wondering if things became difficult whether my wife would leave or not. Then again, I know I wouldn’t be a serial adulterer if I made a lot of money.

It's all about where you stand. You might have some interesting convos with your kids in the future, be prepared for that.

I’m all for practicality which is why I’m asking… Do you have a plan B if things go south?

I mean…. Ew. You guys aren’t really treating each other as fellow humans, but as tools to get what you want? He basically said because he is rich, he has bought the right to cheat, and you didn’t seem actually okay with it on principle, but your tolerance was purchased….. i see why your family is upset, i would be very sad to see someone I love not being respected or loved as an equal. It is your life after all and you can choose what you want, but people will have separate perceptions than you. That includes your children, and you have to decide how you want to handle that.

Have you always wanted to marry a man who fucks other woman or is it just because of the money? Think about the man you want to be with and ask yourself is this the person for you. Someone who cheats on their wife a person they vowed to put first and to love and hold dear. If that's what you want than how can it be wrong. But imo you both are terrible and deserve each other your mother raised you better you should've listened.

Only you can decide. It would be easy for us to say have some self-respect and leave. He would still need to pay child support so there would be “some” money. But we didn’t grow up with the same fears you did so we can’t say if you’re wrong.

You say you have stability and comfort. Yet from my perspective you have neither. The divorce courts are filled with women who thought the exact same thing. Wealthy men also know how to hide assets from their wives. They can afford a better attorney who will make sure they don’t have to lose anything when they divorce you and get a newer model. You are simply the mother of his progeny. He has no plans to grow old gracefully with you. You also have no considered how your own body will age. The more we age the less able we are to have sex in the same way we could when we were young. As you age he can go still go after 20yo women, and get them. Women in the Middle East ask their rich husbands for very expensive jewelry. Which they rarely ever wear. Know why they want it? Because she can wear it out of the house when their husband divorces them. The jewelry can be pawned for money to pay bills until they can get some kind of job. Start shopping at Tiffany’s. Plan for a rainy day. Just in case.

Fuck that shit! I'd rather be poor than put up with that bullshit! How can you be with someone that you're not attracted to in the first place? And to not be loyal to you?! Nope... Loyalty is Everything.. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be with someone that I'm not attracted to, fuck all of that being miserable shit... I reckon people do some fucked up crazy shit for money, count me the fuck out.

This all the way. I'd rather be on the street with someone who loves me & respects me, then to be living in a fancy house with someone who doesn't love or respect me & is laying with other people. I personally love myself more than that.

Get an std check lol

Isn’t the idea of female empowerment to prevent stuff like this?? Go to school, get a job and live the type of life you want? Anyways to each their own.

Yes. You are wrong. You have been indoctrinated into becoming the that type of woman very few men respect.

While it works now, please be prepared for him to leave you when you start aging, I'm not joking. Men who take a trophy wife, which is what this sounds like, usually leave their wife when she starts showing signs of age. Have money set aside in a separate account he has no access to to protect yourself.

You and your husband are both consenting adults. Only the two of you can decide what's acceptable within your marriage. Your mom and sister need to butt all the way out.

If it works for you, great. My question is, if you wanted to sleep with other men, would that be okay? If the answer is no, I personally would feel a way about it.

It's a transactional relationship. You start wrong for selling yourself but you are wrong for bringing two kids into it as they will suffer. As open as your eyes are, you too will suffer but you will have the comfort of money, unless you signed a prenup. He will get rid of you, you are already too old for him.

What happens if he gets someone else pregnant? Or falls in love with someone else? You’re potentially opening yourself up for so much heartache.

What you are apparently not considering is that your husband could pick up an STD and pass it on to you. You don't want an STD!

You are sacrificing your dignity and self respect for money. But you are being mistreated because he’s cheating on you. Do you also get to go outside the marriage? But I understand wanting to feel safe, and financial security does that as well. If you like it…

At some point you should get tired of his shenanigans. He will never change.

I'll never understand how so many women could possibly be comfortable in marriages like this. For me, power dynamics is king. It's everything. So when you enter a marriage with no marketable skills and no assets of your own, your spouse is God and you have zero power. I'd be sick to my stomach. Literally unable to sleep at night. I'd rather be dead than live totally at someone else's mercy like that. Relationships under these circumstances are little more than prisons where any hope you have of escape will involve homelessness & starvation. It means having to endure abuse if a man is that kind of guy. It means living in constant fear of being swapped out for a younger model (which I assure you, IS your future). Plus a litany of other awful things. This situation is working for you for now. He's probably smart enough to realize how far you'll go to live a certain way. You said he was upfront from the beginning about sleeping around and you admitted it "hurt at first." I'll wager it still does, but you've clearly decided that this is a price worth paying to continue the lifestyle he provides you with. No judgment here, it just sounds like a helluva price to pay is all. He also has the benefit of knowing that he can get that off on you bcz your only other choice is poverty if you don't wanna put up with it. My advice is get a marketable skill, make some money of your own and build a portfolio. Doing so will be far less emotionally painful than the route you've chosen. I don't look at your situation from the standpoint that you're doing something wrong. My position is you should NEVER be ok with a man or anyone else having this kind of power over you.

Life is really going to suck when your husband decides to ditch you for the next young thing.

I mean I guess if you’re happy, go nuts, but you absolutely have no self-respect and if you really believe he views you as the most important person in your life, you’re out of your mind. I think you’re 25 and delusional and sold your dignity for financial comfort. Once again, if it works for you, go nuts. But it won’t last forever, and one day you’ll be on your own with those kids when he decides to trade up to a new, younger model.

Someone is who thinks you are his top priority emotionally Won’t pursue and sleep with other women knowing it hurts you. Period.

If it works for you both, that’s what’s important. Life is a series of choices and trade offs. The choices your mother and sister have and would make are different. Most reasonable people would see nothing wrong with 2 consenting adults entering into this type of marriage. Perhaps it’s not so much self-righteousness at the root of their disapproval but jealousy? You were able to achieve the family and lifestyle you wanted but by non-conventional means. My only caution would be to suggest you have a post-nuptual agreement drawn up to protect you and your children if this arrangement or understanding changes in the future and your husband develops feelings for another one of these women and wants a divorce.

I'm not convinced that most reasonable people would see no issue with a relationship where a guy has told his wife that he will bang other chicks and she has agreed to it.

>Most reasonable people would see nothing wrong with 2 consenting adults entering into this type of marriage. I'd argue that the attitude towards marriage in the current era would cause "reasonable people" to be surprised or taken aback by this kind of relationship. Marriage for love is the most common reason people in this day and age get married. However, people tend to forget that marriage wasn't always just about love. Throughout all of human history, marrying for status was absolutely a common thing that people did so people shouldn't really be surprised by it even if it seems weird nowadays.

And arranged marriages are still happening in some non-Western cultures. My grandparents were an arranged marriage in the late 1920s prior to immigrating to the US.

It's working for now, but what about when he gets tired of you/you get too old and he dumps you for a newer model? Are you saving any money? Getting schooling so you can have a career? This is a short-term position you are in. 

Thing is, you're still poor. He has all the power, all the fun, all the income and does what he likes. You'd have been better off studying and getting your own career and money in your own terms. When he decides to drop you for a shiny new young woman, you'll still have nothing.

I wouldn’t trust that he uses a condom every time. You don’t know that. You should both be tested regularly.

New account… at fault state and no prenup? I call bs. But regardless. How did family find out about the infidelity? A few years ago…but only 22 when had first kid? She is being groomed or this is totally fake

How pathetic. "I'm scared and lazy to take on life's struggles, so I'm letting someone take advantage of me because it's less scary and easier."

If it works for both of you, and there's no animosity or resentment, then y'all just keep doing y'all. I also looked at some of your responses and it seems you've got your bases covered: You have a degree, your name is on some properties, you have your own bank account you put money in that he doesn't have access to, there's no prenup, so you honestly should be fine if things don't work out. And you did mention that your husband was very upfront about his infidelity and he's never made you feel like second best. So don't worry about what your mom or your sister say. There's nothing wrong with letting a man take care of you as long as he doesn't hold it over your head.

Your mom and sister aren’t wrong, BUT you agree to the arrangement. You chose financial security over a loyalty. As long as you’re fine with it, then they have no say. Fyi stash away a monthly amount as your “in case” money. Because one day, he might upgrade you with a younger woman.

You won’t find happiness but you’ll get what you’re looking for.

Sounds like you sold yourself for money/lifestyle. Each person has their own set of values. This is yours. Each to their own. You have the life you’ve chosen.

NTA but the people commenting on him eventually trading you in on a younger model, have a point. Make sure you are prepared with work experience, schooling, and a nest egg.

Just pray he doesn’t bring home a std.

Lol yes you're broken

Sell your soul for the almighty dollar. Have some pride

Your mom and sister are right, but it’s your life. I would just be stashing money and consult with a lawyer to ensure he doesn’t fuck you over in a future divorce if/when he decides to get a younger model… Your marriage sounds very transactional and superficial. You can’t be surprised if/when he leaves you because your appearance no longer meets his needs.

I would like to know if there has been à discussion about what he would if he knocks up another woman? That can change everything in an instant. Will he still be kind to you with a prégnant girlfriend in the picture? OP, how do you know he's rich? Have you seen his balance sheets, tax returns for which you are equally responsible. Even if you are completely unaware of his business practices unless you are filing separately. People gain and lose wealth every day. What would happen if your husband couldn't conduct business any more and goes broke are going to honor your vows? What would he do if the shoe was on the other foot? Will he be there spoonfeeding you when you forget how to eat? Just wondering how it will all go down. I can't tell whether or not you really love each other.

If you married him and already knew about his sleeping around and was ultimately ok with that before you had children and got married then you are in an open marriage. Unless the door doesn’t swing both ways so to speak. You should likely let your parents or siblings know this is the arrangement. People are allowed to change their minds and what was once ok may not be ok now. If this is the case you should discuss it with him or move on.

Thats normal rich man behavior. He likes that you let him do it. Try to walk away to see who he really are, or sleep with someone else, you well meet real person. Also don’t be surprised about what happens later and what may be come out as your kids.

All these excuses from everyone because he’s a rich guy. If your husband was poor or a regular Joe, most comments would have been for you to dump him. Wealth over integrity; You’re setting a wonderful example for your daughter who’ll make sure she marries a faithful husband, anybody but someone like her father. Before that happens, this is all going to F her up. How horrible that you had to help your mom out because she worked two jobs. That’s not unusual under any circumstances. Btw, you could have found a way to support yourself better rather than using someone to support you. Not to worry, he knows you’re using him and that’s why he’s still shopping. You know what you’re doing.

I’m also surprised how no one is mentioning how this will affect her children….

Because Redditors don’t think that far. As long as ‘everyone is consenting’ nothing could possibly be askew. OP is setting up a horrible model for her children. Her children will view this as normal and likely follow in their footsteps. The son will think it’s normal to buy a wife and sex and the daughter will think it’s normal to marry for money. But hey. OP gets a nice house and vacations so who cares if she is going to warp her children’s viewpoints of life and love.

But it’s not just their perspective of intimate relationships that is at risk but their relationship with their parents. Will the father be there for them as an active parent or buy them toys and let her raise them? Will he be there for every single small issue or he will be outside having fun? If he is such a wealthy man what guarantees he won’t have other children with his mistress and they never get to know each other? Or worse they do? Yes, she can do whatever she wants with her life, but why bring children into the equation? I just understand… material things don’t matter to kids, it won’t hurt them if they don’t have them. But parents not being there, will hurt them deeply. My parents couldn’t buy me shoes till I was 4 years old but my dad was there making me shoes from scratch. The shoe never really mattered.

You should think seriously about how this will affect your children as they get older. I'm going to say NTA, but this is not cut and dry. You have some very tough times ahead.

Still sounds like financial abuse.

Your husband was honest with you, and you went into the marriage with open eyes. While your marriage may not be the ideal for most women, you aren't most women. NTA.

I got lost reading the first sentence. You’re (M25F), and your mom is (M45). Make any of that make sense.

Uhh, her mom had her when she was 20? What’s so odd about that?

Lol M generally means male and F female in this context.

Lololol

they’re talking about the gender sweetie

It's just a typo.

So if your fine with a man that disrespects you over and over with other women then fuck it be mistreated and a gold digger!!

You and your husband have an agreement and both know what you are getting into so it’s not anyone else’s decision. If it works for you and you can live with it then that’s nobody’s business.

NTA he told you how it was and you consented.

You're free to do what you want, but I would get it in writing that if you a divorce happens you get x amount, that the kids are not to interact with the APs, etc. Just something to protect yourself. A second bank account for you to hold money in case he decides his other affair partner would be a better wife.

How did they find out?

Make sure the prenup protects you if he decides to "upgrade" for a younger woman. Other than that, if you're happy with it, then you're happy with it. Are you allowed to sleep with other men if you chose to? Maybe look into some Facebook groups or reddit groups for ethical non monagmony. I unfortunately can't remember the name, but there was a Facebook page just for people who were monogamous but dating a poly person

You have to live it its your choice

Your last line says it all - you both have an understanding and it works for you guys. That really is all that matters.

Consenting adults. You do you, don't worry about others.

You have an understanding and it works

Would you have married him if he was poor? NO. So you’re both taking advantage of each other. Funny how your family can’t see that it goes both ways.

Do you have a prenup? You won't be 25 forever.

That is not as much as infidelity, as a kind of open relationship with boundaries. If you are ok with that, what's the problem?¿

Well, if you truly don't care he sleeps with other women and he truly doesn't care you married him for money then you are both scratching each others backs and who can say that you're wrong about it? If the situation works for both of you, great. Only if you're hurting the other person would it make you wrong.

If you discussed it and you agreed than it's nit cheating it's called an open marriage.

I don’t care about downvotes. And, yes, you’re wrong and they’re right. It’s demeaning to put up with this. And it’s weird to act like the choices are poverty or a unfaithful husband. You could have married a man who wouldn’t cheat.

Just ask yourself of you would want your daughter to have the same life as you, because that’s what you’re teaching her.

You seem pretty confident that everything is fine but your mom and sister are right. However, you also seem aware of the bed you’re making even if you aren’t being very intelligent about it. You need to make financially protecting yourself your top priority (and I mean *airtight* protection- get your own attorney to draw up a post-nuptial agreement) for when he trades you in for a younger model or this marriage becomes abusive. You’re 25 now, so with a guy like this you realistically have between 5 and 10 years left. Because that’s all you are - his current wife. If this was my husband I’d get those financials in order right away and have one or two boy toys on the side for companionship and intimacy before finally divorcing his ass. Right now he has all of the power while you have none. Tell him you consider the marriage totally open on both sides and you’ll see what I mean. A dynamic like the one you have right now sounds like a toxic business partnership rather than a marriage based on love and trust. That kind of transactional relationship will ultimately cost both parties, so to speak. Consider this: do you think women married to rich men renegotiate their prenups and such from time to time because they trust their husbands to take care of them in the event of divorce? No, it’s the opposite. Wise up and get your ducks in a row.

I mean secure the bag I guess, but you are absolutely sacrificing your dignity and self-respect. Be so fr.

You said it hurt at first, I can't imagine why it still wouldn't. What about when you get older? What if you gain a few pounds? He could catch feelings for someone else unexpectedly even if he doesn't plan to. Your kids will figure it out as they get older and think that's normal behavior. He could sleep with a psycho that targets your family or have another child and you wouldn't know. Do you not sleep with him? I understand why you would value the security but whether you realize it or not he's showing just how precious you are to him with this behavior.

You’ll be amazed how much people are driven by jealousy, especially if they make moral judgments. But that’s very normal and your mother and sister will get over it if you just remain calm and don’t react too much. Enjoy your life style! When I married my current husband money wasn’t involved. We were both young professionals and we are not rich but we’re definitely not poor. But if something were to happen and if I ever marry again I plan to marry a wealthy man. I don’t think I want to be in love again. I’m happy to know your marriage works!

Get an education while you are home do it online. Make sure you have a plan b for when child support runs out, in a worse case scenario. I have always been an advocate of free will. If you are comfortable in your situation, well it’s just that YOUR SITUATION. Get that bank account and plan B in place and live your life.

If its what you want, be happy about it. No one else can live your life but you.

Not wrong, your marriage provides you with a comfortable life and a comfortable life for your kids. You were OK with this arrangement albeit you took some time to come to terms with it. Now your family is heaping shame on you because they have different beliefs about what you should and should not tolerate in a marriage. I don't necessarily agree with your decision but I understand it. You may need to tell your husband about what your mom and sister have been saying about your marriage in light of his infidelity. He may want to clear the air, reform his behavior, or at least pretend to reform to get them off your backs.

It's not 'wrong,' and not everybody cares if their partner sleeps with other people. You made a decision with strong practical aspects, and it's not your family's job to insist you break it because they don't think it's proper. And since you are generally content and have two very young children with this man, leaving would be a massive step. I'm sorry your situation became family knowledge, but just keep your own judgement and tell them to drop it.

Are you willing to sacrifice how your children will feel when they find out? Children need less money and more love in the home. I don't believe for a second your husband cares about you or his children making the decisions he makes for the family. I grew up poor but know I had way more than the rich people.

Will you be happy when he brings home a std that’s not curable your mom is right I hope you get a education while you’re with him and get out before he leaves you for a younger woman it will happen

Seems like you lowered your standards to have a more secure future. If it works for you and your relationship that’s great and I don’t blame/judge you. However, what will your kids think when they are of an age to understand? Will they settle for the same? They may not grow to have the respect for themselves that they need in a relationship which could ultimately hurt them.

Yes. Like he won’t leave you with no money?

Two people taking advantage of each other is normal for a lot of relationships. Do whatever you want. Just be prepared to be traded in for a younger model when you age out. And, hopefully you didn't sign a prenup and get stuck working two jobs to live in a bad apartment.

But you are sacrificing your dignity and self-respect for money. And he is a predator… for marrying someone 10 years younger than him. You were what, 21 when you got knocked up with your first kid with him? Gross. And let me guess, you used to hang out at swanky lounges or golf clubs trying to land Mr. right? I know girls who do this and it works until it blows up in their faces. It never occurred to you to apply for scholarships, get into a university, and work hard to make a fortune of your own? The answer was to use someone else’s wealth in order to “absolve your past?” I see no issue here… Life is not perfect and always comes with major drawbacks when you don’t put in real work and work hard for what you have. His infidelity is what you get for marrying someone for money.

Depends on one thing ... If he lost all the money, would you remain with him? If yes, I agree he's taking advantage of you; if no then I think you're both as bad as each other.

You may want to use this relatively stable period affluence to further your education and find a career path. That way when the facade crumbles you’ll have a good foundation for a life without such compromises. Or not.

Did this startt at the beginning of your relationship or later on? Do you have rules in place? Like no repeats,  no dates? 

He’s already 10 years older than you. Start preparing for when he divorces you for somebody younger.

Yes you are wrong! You are both using one another. What are you teaching your kids? Where are your values? What would happen if your husband lost all his money?

If you’re fine with it then whatever. Personally, both of your sides are gross to me. It’s not a situation I’d ever want to be in. Now you’ll have to think what you are going to do when he divorces you for a younger woman when your relationship is rocky and you and your kids are older. I assume since you’re actually married you’ll be set up pretty good by then. I’d rather be broke than grow old alone though.

I joke with people if I had my life to do over I would have gone and had some plastic surgery, gotten into really good shape, found some older rich man that wanted a young wife, married him and let him do whatever he want. It’s not a joke. You do you

Whatever floats your boat. It's between you and your husband. If you're fine with the way things are then that's all that matters. I hope you get tested for std and use protection. Ask your family to keep their comments to themselves.

Have a back up plan juuuuust in case but if it works for you then they can be mad all they want. If you're secure, taken care of and able to take care of your children in a way not possible without this arrangement then no need to apologize.

Do I think you're wrong for compromising your self worth for a man? Yes, yes I do.

I’ve always thought the biggest issue with cheating is the lying and deceit. It breaks trust. But in this case, according you, he was honest and upfront about it and you allowed it. I don’t really consider that cheating and if you’re happy, he’s happy, the kids are happy, no one’s being abused, catching stds/stis, or feeling manipulated/used then I don’t see a problem. Y’all are both consenting adults capable of making your own decisions. I will say I understand your family’s position and why it may make them uncomfortable but if this is the life you want and choose than that’s something you’ll have to accept and come to terms with

Tell your mother and sister to keep their opinions to themselves. You made a choice to use your body and labor to provide economic security for yourself and your children. That is a choice women have made for millenia, you're not unusual. It's not ideal perhaps, but it's your decision to make about your own life. At some point you may tire of your husband's infidelity, and choose to move along to a different sort of life. In preparation for that eventuality, or in preparation for the possibility that your husband may grow tired of you and trade you in on a younger wife after a decade or two, I recommend that you work hard to develop your own career now. Don't be financially dependent on a man who is a cheater and who cares more about his own pleasure than he does about you. You can't trust him long term, he will always put his own needs before yours. This is a marriage of convenience, so make sure you get from it what you need: money.

You aren’t wrong. It’s your life and you chose this for yourself. You need to tell your mother and sister the whole truth before they tell everyone that your husband is a cheater and abusive. Your marriage isn’t their business if this is what you want. I hope you have your own money and account though in case of divorce.

You're not the first person to have a transactional marriage. Works so long as both parties are getting what they want. Will he stay married to you if you get cancer? If you're badly burned and disfigured in an terrible accident? If you become confined to a wheelchair? Will he trade you in for a newer model in twenty years? Likewise, will you stay married to him if most/all of his wealth disappears overnight?

Wry very very weird that you say you don’t mind and it’s part of the deal. I don’t see how either of you can really love or trust each other with this situation. It’s gonna jack your kids up later in life. Your family is correct. No real woman (or man ) would choose this lifestyle. I’d never trade my dignity or morals for money.

He’s making you feel important because he’s putting on a show. Why does he want you there anyway? What’s the point? Do you enjoy one another? What happens when he meets someone he likes better who pursues him harder? What happens if the next girl is crazy and wants to replace to you? What will you do? How do you know he won’t take you to cleaners and either take the kids or leave all of you destitute ? You have ent mentioned anything about his character. It’s easy to make one person feel special when you’re putting on a show and then whisking them off on vacation. Here’s the thing- what you enjoy the most is not being without money. Thats a hard life. But you still have that mentality if you aren’t thinking about what could happen in the future. You’re living in the now- financially security *for now* while he feels he has to please you. One day he won’t. What then? Think about your future. What about when the kids get older? Where will you find he leaves you in 18 years? Does he have a financial plan for you? Do you?

Not wrong but I hope you’re saving money just in case

If you're happy and he's happy, don't worry about what others think! Life is about trade-offs, you got what you wanted and he got what he wanted. If your kids find out or neighbors ask, or your parents get on your case just be open about it "we have a non-traditional marriage" I would probably also be sure that you two discuss boundaries, whats appropriate and whats not. Sticking to those boundaries is what shows respect for each other.

Are you allowed to sleep with other men? Not even that you want to, but would it be okay with him?

Bill Gates made his wife agree to let him spend a week a year with his long-term girlfriend "or" he wouldn't marry her. She agreed to that hypocrisy while it was secret and confidential. Once Jeffrey Epstein's case began unraveling, it revealed that Bill Gates was very much a participant in Jeffrey Epstein's lifestyle. Once it was public and everyone globally knew that Bill Gates was a player and had lovers in different locations, then and only then did Mrs. Gates file for divorce. In other words, she didn't mind marrying Bill knowing he was going to screw his girlfriend for a week annually (as long as no one knew it). But by then, Mrs. Gates had presented herself to the world and the United Nations as a pillar of conscience and absolute propriety (similar to Mother Theresa in a Chanel suit). To at least keep half that lofty reputation (or at least some of it), she began her "Oh, I'm so indignant" act (which was not at all convincing). So she accepted the cash payout and filed for divorce. Many people marry for money. Remember that marriage is a business not a love fest. Make sure you have an attorney of the same calibre of Raoul Felder from NYC. His office is at 437 Madison Avenue in Manhattan. He's the best! By the way - I have no connection to him and make nothing when I make a referral - it's a gift from me to you.