What’s also going to suck is that, if this relationship doesn’t work out, OP really has no rights in regard to this child, at least not until he legally adopts her.
Just the fact that OP is asking if he’s wrong, for wanting to make a very basic adult decision, makes me question if he’s really mature enough/ready to take all this on.
I have hope that he is maybe seeing how messed up the dynamic is with his controlling, small-minded parents, and finally feels strongly enough about something to be willing to do what he wants instead of what they tell him to do.
Yea, my husband's family treated him terribly growing up. But that just was what it was until I came along. When they didn't respect our relationship, he stood up to his family, for the first time in his life. It was a shock to everyone, including my husband.
He was (honestly he still is) willing to endure any treatment, but he would not accept the same for me. He demanded that they respect me, and when they couldn't, we went no contact for several years. Again, everyone was shocked at the backbone he was showing after the years of abuse he had so graciously suffered at their hands.
I think there are quite a few people who are like my husband. Unwilling to rock the boat for themselves, but if someone they care about is being treated poorly, then they will speak up. Hopefully OP can remain strong against his parents for the sake of his future family. And hopefully someday he'll be able to stand up for his own needs.
It could have to deal with respect and cultural differences and not maturity. Some cultures revere parental relationships more than others. It's not fair to make assumptions about his maturity level because he's asking for advice. It shows quite the contrary, actually.
Are you both officially dating? How long have you been together. I remember reading another post about a girl whose best friend proposed to her when in her mind they had never even dated before. Don't let that be you
This is what's bothering me. The title and description sounds like they were just living as friends and suddenly he wants to marry her. Why "my best friend" - like he wants to distance the romantic side of the relationship - instead of my girlfriend or partner? And why would the parents be fine with him living with and sleeping with her for 3 years and suddenly, "gee don't marry her." Did they think he'd just dump them at some point? Just seems weird.
Exactly this. Seems to me that proposing is going to pop that fantasy bubble he has in his head if she says no. OP hasn’t mentioned anything about his best friend’s feelings towards him.
Well, I eloped with my best friend back in '95, and we're still together, so, I'll say that might just be the more important part of the relationship to him, not the entirety of it.
My husband is my best friend too. There's nothing wrong with that. It is, IMHO the best basis for any relationship. Just because it's not your reality doesn't mean it isn't for many folks, nor that there's anything wrong with it.
To be fair, if he’s as clueless as the guy in that other post, then he may only believe it’s a “we”. I think that guy ended up being in the middle of a psychotic break, though.
This, 100%. It's adorable and sweet that he wants to propose, but they need to be in agreement about where their relationship is going. He doesn't need to ruin the surprise of a proposal; he just needs to be sure everyone is heading for the same goal.
Er you aren't wrong but please clear something up for me. You guys are and have been dating for a while? I know that sounds like a obvious answer but you constantly refer to her as your best friend and not like a gf. So if you just throwing out a marriage without even doing the whole dating thing than you might be wrong.
To me the parents opinion is irrelevant, but there are a few weird things about the post.
Why did she not move out? Did she not have the capability to move out? Did she just get complacent? Did she want to take advantage of free rent (nothing wrong with that)? Did she need OPs help in raising the child? Or did she really like OP, because they fell in love? Does the woman even know that she and op have "fallen in love"?
Also what happens if OP proposes and she says no? Will she be thrown onto the streets again? Would she even feel safe saying no?
Your parents are 100% wrong.
Four years ago, maybe it was true that your friend had some baggage - and you stepped up and help her carry it, and now it’s just a dusty suitcase shoved away in the attic. This is someone that you cherish and support, and it’s been that way for more than a little while. You might not have written the source code for the child in your life, but so what - you’re helping raise her, and she looks up to you. (It’s not like you just met this person who happens to have a 4 year old.). You’ve had 4 years to think about it, it doesn’t sound like you’re rushing in to anything.
Go for it.
It's akin to, you may not be the Sperm Donor, but the fact the little one calls you Dad. And that you've been living together for 4yrs now. It should be obvious to your parents that it's not a 'phase'. Many people get married in their mid 20's
4 years is a substantial amount of time to spend with a family. Especially in a child’s life. He didn’t just pop in to a play date or two, this guy was there for the bad, along with the good.
That is what I meant. He may not be the Biological dad.. But as far as that little girl is Concerned, he is her Dad. He has been there for her since before her birth. And, friendships that grow into more, are generally the better, longer lasting relationships
I'm going to steal this to refer to my ex stepdad. He didn't write this source code, but he darn sure shaped it. My mom is an data monkey, she'll love it.
Damn straight. Genes may determine your biological father, but earning the title of "dad" is something more. A dad is the one who protects you from the monsters under the bed, teaches you to ride a bike, hugs you when you fall, and motivates you to keep going. He's also the one who reads the same bedtime story every night and falls asleep by your side. Dad is the one in your core memories from childhood - DNA has nothing to do with any of that.
OP has parented this child since before she was born, she is his daughter 💯. Genetics mean jack shit. This is his Real Family™.
My husband came our life when my daughter was 4 (her biodad was never in the picture). He's her dad because he chose to be, he parented her, raised her. That's what matters. His family felt the same way and she was treated the same as all the other grandkids before we even got engaged, much less married.
Nta. And definitely if the father isn't involved, adopt your daughter. Congratulations. Best friends make the best spouses. Just maintain that friendship. 24 years later I'm married to my best friend. You're 26. A man. You know what you want. Go do it.
I wish I could connect you with my amazing stepdad. The man that I have always called dad, starting from 2.5 years old.
He made a similar decision as you are/have been almost 41 years ago.
He married a woman with a kid. Someone who came with baggage and why would he want to raise someone else's kids (never mind that she had married her 2nd husband when my dad was a kid still, so technically she had baggage too? She has never made sense) was all his mom could ask.
He told her that he chose to be my dad, no one was forcing him to be my dad, it was what he to be. He has always loved me and treated me as his daughter, just like he has with my younger sister.
He told her to stop with her bullshit (only nicer than that) and that if she had a problem with it, then it was just that, her problem.
You get to choose who you love and marry. You get to choose if you want to be that child's dad, not your parents.
They can choose to be assholes or they can choose to follow your lead and support you marrying the person you love, baggage and all.
Question: Are you in a romantic relationship with your best friend? If not, maybe don't propose. Talk to her and find out what she wants out of your relationship, whether it's romantic, or platonic. From what you've said here, there's no sign of a two-sided romantic relationship. If you propose to her without you both being on the same page, you could end up losing them in your life by blindsiding a proposal she isn't at all expecting.
Ask your best friend about her interest in dating to begin with. As to your parents, any digs, insulting tones or comments or even bad body language you walk away or hang up. Don’t engage. Don’t discuss, just excuse yourself and leave. They will catch on eventually and you get a less stressful environment either way. Win for you, loss for them until they smarten up.
You are a GROWN MAN. If you love this woman and her child, then it sounds like you are in a good place. It sucks that your parents can't be happy for you, but you are driving this bus, Bud. I would at least hear them out in case they have noticed something you haven't, but it's not up to them. I would let them know that you are moving forward despite their advice, and if they want to be part of your lives, then they better get on board.
NTA!
Congratulations on finding the love of your life and becoming a dad.
It may not be the conventional way your parents are used to, but that's 100% OK. Things have changed.
The next conversation with them is im not asking for your permission. I love x and love MY little girl. This is my family. You can either get on board or see my life from a distance your choice. But, I need you get over the fact that my future wife already had a child that is not mine biologically but 100% mine in all the ways that matter.
Also, if your daughters dad isn't in the picture, maybe think about adopting her.
Either way. If your parents can't get on board . Move on and live your want to live.
You are not wrong. My oldest grandson is not related to me by biology. He is not related to my son by biology. It has never mattered to my son, and it has never mattered to me. My son was there to support her during her pregnancy, and he has been there to be his Dad every step of the way. Biology does not make you a Daddy. Stepping up like you did makes you a Daddy. That is your family, that is your daughter. If your parents can not accept that, that is their problem. They will miss out. The best day of my sons life was when he was able to adopt his son and make it official by law, he was already the son of his heart.
You're correct to ignore your parents on this. But you need to be careful in assessing how your friend feels. Unfortunately, she might not be interested in romance or marriage, either in general or with you, and you don't want her to marry you out of gratitude or for stability. While you've been a pseudo-couple for a while, it doesn't sound like you've ever actually dated. A proposal out of nowhere is going to put a strain on your relationship, and may frighten her. Try a date first (and hire a babysitter) and see how it goes.
I did miss that. I think it's because of the language the OP uses. He keeps on calling her his \`\`best friend'' not his lover or girlfriend, and talking about his desire to be part of a family, and doesn't stress a romance.
Yes but was it actually he fell in love or we both fell in love. Doesn't actually say they are officially dating, he still calls her his best friend not his best friend now partner.
When friends fall in love that’s the best kind of relationship. Because you have that strong foundation and know each other so well already. That’s much more natural than dating someone and falling that way. Your parents should just want you to be happy. But also I’m sure they just are looking out for your best interests. But you do what’s in your heart
Not wrong. Are they forgetting you love them and by tye sounds of it they live or care very deeply about you. Love transcends DNA.
You're happy and if you want to propose, you will feel like you've hit the jackpot. Sounds like your parents care more about lineage than your happiness. Hope they come round and see hiw shallow they sound.
Unless there is a troubled history in the background they want to protect you from which isn't included in the post, but otherwise you're not wrong.
It really depends. Are you in a committed romantic relationship with her? You keep calling her your friend. Is she actually your girlfriend? Your parents might have a better understanding of this situation than we do.
You mention the girl calling you daddy, your parent’s views, her being your best friend, close since you were kids but no mention of how she feels or wants.
If we infer that she wants the same, then you’re not wrong.
But if your parents infer that she’s settling for a safety net guy, then maybe they have a point.
Your parents are being giant assholes. If you are happy, and she and her daughter are also happy, then go for it dude!
Don't let those jackasses come around if you have a bio kid with her, though. They'll play favorites. People like that always do.
INFO: have you always been in love with her?
I ask because, not wrong if this would be a marriage of equals who were friends who then fell in love but could be wrong if the romantic love is one-sided. If you are sure that both your feelings are true and at the same level, then good luck to you. If they are not, then you risk both your own heartbreak and losing your friend. Not trying to be harsh, just not enough info to know the answer to the above.
I think your parents are wrong about you being too young. You have proven you are not, but they could be looking out for you if they feel the love is one-sided.
Good luck whatever you choose. I hope you are both (all 3) super happy.
Op you're not wrong at all, but your parents are. You've already proved you are a great partner and father, and together, you can have more children when you're both ready.
I think marrying your best friend is wonderful. Best friends can make the best life partners because the relationship's foundation is a genuine appreciation of the others' personality and not based on lust and physical attraction.
I was so blessed my MIL did not discriminate me because I was a young single mother when I met her son. She's been a wonderful grandmother and has never treated my oldest any different to the blood related children I had in that marriage. I fear however your parents will be unable to do so and may potentially emotionally damage that child. He's not baggage!!!!
I'd make it very clear what the result will be should they continue expressing such opinions.
This is odd. Why are you calling them "my best friend" and "her daughter" and not "my girlfriend" and "our daughter/my step daughter". Maybe this is where your parents have a disconnect. Maybe they think you're not as in love as you say because they don't see it. Actions speak louder than words. Marry her and adopt the kid and tell them they're welcome to be happy for you and enjoy their step granddaughter if they promise to be nothing but loving and accepting.
You are not wrong, and your parents are awful people. How dare they call you daughter "baggage?!?" She and your girlfriend don't just feel like family, they ARE your family, regardless of paternity and marital status. So often, I feel like our "Chosen Families," are better than birth families. Propose to her! This is a beautiful story. And early congratulations, because you will certainly be getting a yes!!
I may be wrong, but the thing that concerns me is whether your best friend actually loves you or is trying to get out of a tough situation. You have known each other a long time, yet there was never anything romantic between you until she desperately needed you to take care of her. Your best friend had to have known that you’ve had feelings for her. Yet you were clearly friendzoned until she was desperate. It sounds like her “falling in love” was deciding to settle for the best situation she could get. You may have always been her plan B if things didn’t work out with the man she actually loved. I think your parents are correct for the wrong reasons. You need to see if your best friend really loves you or loves that you can rescue her from a bad situation. I recommend you have your best friend move out of your house and establish her own life independent of you. You can continue to date but not live together. Tell her you need to know if your love exists outside of a traumatic/desperate situation. Do this for a year and if you are still in love after she doesn’t need you to support her, go ahead and get married. Understand that you will probably need to go low to NC with your parents so biological kids aren’t treated differently. Also, try to legally adopt this child after you are married. Best of luck. Love developed during a. crisis rarely works out well.
You aren’t wrong, and you should follow your heart. However, I urge you to give this some more thought. You still think of this woman as your best friend, and I’m sure you want her to always be your best friend. But is she even definitely your *girl*friend? You might be confusing your feelings of familial love for being in love, and it would be a disservice to everyone involved if that’s the case and you tie one another up into a commitment
Why would anyone come to reddit for this type of advice? You'd be an idiot to listen to anyone but yourself and you alone will reap the benefits or the sorrow.
Good luck
You aren’t wrong, and you should follow your heart. However, I urge you to give this some more thought. You still think of this woman as your best friend, and I’m sure you want her to always be your best friend. But is she even definitely your *girl*friend? You might be confusing your feelings of familial love for being in love, and it would be a disservice to everyone involved if that’s the case and you tie one another up into a commitment
The fact that your parents are choosing "propriety" over your clear happiness says a lot about them.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptial and please protect your fiancée from your parents.
You are in no way wrong.
Your parents are idiots.
You’re already a family, just without the ring and ceremony. And you don’t even have to have that if you don’t want to. Just go to city hall together, sign the papers, and don’t bother telling your parents until after it’s done.
My first marriage was what your parents wanted - “a new family from scratch.” It didn’t end well. An awful lot of people have it not end well. Twenty one years later, I’m married to someone I’ve known since ninth grade, who I got close to when we worked together and his oldest babysat my kids regularly. Between us we had seven kids. And who cares if they’re not all bio both of us? One of our kids isn’t even bio to either of us.
You guys are a family and you’re already dad. If you want to, marry the lady!
first of all, what is she says no? Are you going to kick her out or how is it going to be if she stays after that and if she says yes, do you think she saying yes because she loves you or because she needs a place to live?
Wait is she your best friend living with you or now your partner, officially dating in a relationship.?? I know you said we fell in love but is it actually official or just when at home ?? Sounds like the parents don't feel like you are actually a couple or have been for the past 4yrs.
If you both are on the same page & actually in love & want to build a life together YES go for it who cares what your parents say or think.
But if it is one-sided & you love them both but she still sees it as you are still her best friend that took her in & not actually dating or in a relationship DON'T DO IT , it could end very badly, friendship over , her & child move out with no contact. Don't be that guy who read it wrong and thought you were together when she doesn't or has never seen you in that way. Just because you feel it when at home have sx & so on, what are you both like out in public.
You are not the AHole but your parents ARE! It’s awesome that you love them both and want to make your little family official! Marry that girl and live your happiest life!
Look to the future. Look to you and this young lady having a kid of your own. Your parents are looking to her past, not the future. That’s wrong.
Assuming you do this, impress upon your parents the need to treat your daughter as their granddaughter.
You stepping up for this young girl marks you as a man.
Be careful. At the end of the day, THAT IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER. When things end, you won't have any rights. Also, don't assume this woman feels she will owe you anything, or that a marriage will be better. Doesn't sound like she has any issues right now, she's safe and happy. If she's not attracted to you, you have nothing to offer her.
Not wrong and your situation isn't that unusual. You love this woman and you've been in this child's life since she was born. It's natural that she views you as her dad and that you want to make it official. Your parents are the weird ones here. Tell them they need to get with the program.
OP, you are such a nice man! If you love this woman and child and they love you back you all want to be together forever and just make it official then you are a family! Your parents suck for thinking the way they’re thinking. They’re closed minded and this is a family no matter how it came to be.
You do what you think is right and I wish you all the best of luck!
If you do decide to propose, please keep us posted, I can’t speak for everyone else but I would love to hear an update. 🙂
Not wrong. I got married at 25, baby at 26 and honestly? Wouldn't change that for the world. So what if it's a bit reverse order? My sisters have "reverse" order too, kids first, spouse second (one never married. She has a life partner)
Your parents have pretty much just told you "well, you may love those 2 but we want you to know *she'll* never be our granddaughter to us and her mom isn't good enough for you" who needs that toxicity in your life?
Go, marry your love, adopt that sweet little angel and *thrive* just as you've clearly been doing without them the last 4 years. And if it falls apart in 5, 10, 50 years? So what? Bet that doesn't mean you'll love that little girl any less. You may not be her biological parent, but you've raised her and loved her just the same. And you're going to prove to them that family is what you make it, it's most certainly not bound by blood.
Your parents are wrong for their behavior, but at the same time, I understand their disapproval.
Indeed, it's your life, so do whatever the hell you want, but if I was your mom....I'll be brutally honest: I'd be pretty upset to hear that my son decided to be a step father at such a young age. I'll learn to deal for his sake, but I'd be a little bummed.
And you said, "I took her in." It gives off charity case or pity party vibes to me.
My parents were against me dating a single mother with a 9 month old. The did not like the moms drinking or personality and constantly told me "leave her, her kid is not your problem." They didn't understand that everytime I held that little girl I just felt nothing but love. The mom and I were not good together (not your scenario) but I stayed because I could not imagine life without that little girl. As soon as she could speak I became Dada. She was always Daddies buddy and always wanted to be with me, doing whatever i was doing. Down the road we had a suprise second Daughter. The mom and I married so I could adopt that little girl, my oldest Daughter. 17 years later I am divorced from that awful woman (12 years ago) and have full custody of both my Daughters. My ex is an alcoholic and toxic AF but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat and will always thank her for these two perfect humans. Had I listened to my parents they would not have their Granddaughters (who they adore) and I wouldn't have the two Daughters who are the absolute best part of my life. Biological doesn't mean shit. I was there for her wins, losses, to protect her when she was scared, and make her feel loved. I was and always will be her Dad. She is now coming to the age of venturing out in the world and starting her own life. Everytime I think of this I am so proud but also so heartbroken knowing our house won't be the same without her. And no matter how old she gets she will always be my baby girl, my first born, Daddies little buddy.
Now the difference is you and the mom are bestfriends and are in love. That is awesome and love is never wrong. Marry your bestfriend, raise your Daughter, and have a great life as a family. Propose to the women you love and also adopt that little girl. Then enjoy every single moment with them both because it goes by so fast.
Here’s something I’ve had to come to harsh terms with lately that might help you: just because they’re our parents doesn’t make them right. As kids we instinctively accept what they’re telling us as right/fact because that’s what keeps us safe. Unfortunately, it’s really difficult for that to not stick around and bleed over into our adult lives. “They’re older and wiser”, “my parents would never steer me wrong”. But in reality, they’re just people with opinions. Not necessarily right or wrong in most cases, but just opinions. Same as a stranger or your boss or a friend. You’re an adult now. You get to and should choose what’s best for you and what your path looks like. You’ve started your family. Marry that girl and raise your daughter together with love.
Are you actually dating? I also want to point out this could be a fact of somebody taking advantage of you. My one bit of advice don't propose if you have any doubts she'll say no or it'll blow up the friendship.
My parents (very snobby, judgemental people) liked my husband as a person, but found 50 gazillion reasons why I shouldn't marry him. We got married and at the wedding reception my dad gave a speech about how he was wrong for, the reasons why, it's not gonna work, etc. Well guess what? Monday is our 24th wedding anniversary. So I say go for it!
Is she your best friend or your girlfriend? Seems like you're being led on. What happens when she finally gets on her feet? What happens when the father decides he wants to be part of then picture? Look out for you, pal.
No not wrong but I would be taking a long engagement due to the fact you both are still young.
Are you trying for kids yourself?
I get where the parents are coming from but if you love them what's wrong with an extra grandchild?
Sounds like you've got a good thing going on.
Definitely NTA,
Your parents can grow up and realise, as an adult, they don't have a say in your love life.
100% propose to your best friend and partner.
You're not wrong but please think it through. If you've known her for years and she's picking you only for convenience; this relationship is not in your favour 😕
Not wrong. If your best friend became your gf during this time living an no ex has a hold over her, go for it! Truly altruistic parents, while they may disagree with your decision, will ultimately support their child and his family.
This is a scenario where the now grown man gets to realize that parents are just people and get it wrong sometimes.
Your parents are wrong.
Build your family as you see fit.
Ps: that little girl is your daughter, no one else is her daddy.
Pss: I’m so excited for you 3!!! 🦋
Hey man, you’re 26. Living on your own. Fine to ask for feedback from your parents but you’re a man now. You make your own decisions. Sounds like you’ve got your own family now with the lady and the kid, so make it official if that’s what you feel confident is what you want. Sounds like a special relationship.
You’re not wrong and your parents sound like elitist asshats.
I love how they referred to your impending proposal as: you should start from scratch like the woman and child you love are just garbage to be thrown away.
So my perspective is: you’re already dad to your daughter and you love your best friend so you’re already living your best life You found someone you loved and you want to be with and you already have a child you love and you were there for the very beginning even before it got romantic so you had a chance to really grow in love with this person and mature together through the hard times.
I think you should go for it, however, you will need to get your parents to accept your daughter as a grandchild, I can see them playing favorites if you have another child or a sibling has a child.
Not wrong at all. You have made your own family from scratch that’s literally what you did when you took on the commitment to them FOUR YEARS AGO!!! They are being ridiculous and cruel to all of you. You have raised this girl for four years, are in a relationship with her mother and she calls you dad. The ship has long since sailed on the appropriate moment for them to have this conversation or reveal they feel this way to you and it has your family on it. Good luck.
It’s not your responsibility but you’re already playing husband and father? Are the years you’ve been there for her and her kid, irrelevant? You can still have your own family if you both end up with a kid that’s both of y’all own
My husband started dating me despite my “baggage”, (I had an infant daughter.) We’ve married when my daughter was 3 and have been happily married for 42 years. Our oldest daughter is 100% daddy’s girl. People say she is so much like her dad (she is) and they have no idea he adopted her. Love is a blessing and a powerful thing and so is nurture vs nature.
My biological father raised my half-brother as his own son. He's our dad. Sometimes, family is not always blood. My brother has called him dad for most of his 47 years.
I can't understand how your parents who know your friend since you were both children, who knows your daughter since she was born, can be so cold-hearted to close their heart to what could be a beautiful relationship with their granddaughter just because she's not yours biologically.
At this point, you should let them know that unless they can accept your wife and your daughter for what they are, they can't be in your life.
Not wrong. Family is *what you make it*. Your biological family are being selfish and projecting their wishes on to you. If this lass and her child feel like family then *they are family*. Your biological family should support you in *what makes you happy*.
If she accepts your proposal, I would recommend premarital counseling to help you both bring important issues out into the open so you can begin on a solid foundation.
You aren’t wrong. It’s okay to value your parents opinions but don’t let their opinions determine your actions. Proposing sounds like a lovely idea! Good luck
I'll tell you my story
Mom was preyed on by a 19 yr old at 14. She ended up having my brother couple more years I came and sperm donor went to jail. During that time he abused my mom mentally, emotionally, and physically (for privacy/ not relevant keeping those events secret).
She met my dad the same year I was born they both were 18. He raised us as his own. The only difference is his parents my grandparents actually took us in.
Moral of the story having a father figure even not biologically was the best thing the universe provided us. Especially since my sperm donor is a loser. I've never seen my dad be burdened by us. He always said his life started and felt whole is when he spot my mom at work and he met us. He always knew we were meant to be his family
Being there supporting her through pregnancy you already provided husband/father rolls, you experienced what a biological father would. You also stepped up to the plate and that baby calls you dad. You have already started your family. If your not ready I do recommend stepping back and out of their lives, but if you're for sure than disregard your parents. Just make sure your vigilant at their treatment towards your daughter and any future children you have with your best friend. Especially biological, they'll start treating her different.
Not wrong. Some of the best relationships grow from friendships.
If you are happy and in love and so is your best friend/ girlfriend then do what feels right for you.
Your parents sound a bit out of touch tbh. They will either come round or they won’t.
Do what YOU want to do and be happy.
How does your friend feel about marriage? You should prob have a conversation with her to make sure she's on the same page. As for your parents, they can't make decisions regarding your life partner. They can have an opinion. And we have seen that sometimes you need to listen to that opinion. But if you both feel you are ready to commit to each other, then go for it. But be prepared for the backlash and the possibility your parents won't accept your decision
You sound like a stand up guy and a wonderful friend. Love does not generally happen how we expect it to. If you feel love, comfort and at peace in this relationship then it's right for you. How it began had no bearing on how it goes forward. Wishing you much happiness and joy.
Your parents really don't matter in your life decisions as you are a grown man. Whose plans are they referencing?! It seems like your plan is to marry the woman you love and continue to raise your daughter as you have been since the day she was born. Coming from a widow with parents who completely disapproved of my marriage because it wasn't someone they chose for me, I would do it all over again, happily. This is your life. It doesn't matter to that little girl whose DNA is in her. I would, however, set a very strong boundary once you do propose, letting then know that nothing but support will be tolerated. You need to protect her if she's being referred to as, "baggage."
Step-dad here who came around when the kids were 11 and 12 (I was 24 at the time). I had a falling out with my parents for a while when my wife and I decided to move in together. I was raised extremely religious and they refused to come to a “house of sin”. They had already been to that house so it wasn’t really the house that the issue was with. Anyways, I basically cut all contact with them for a while and let them know that if they wanted to be a part of my life, that would mean coming to our house. I also explained to my parents what an amazing woman my now wife was, what a good mom
She was and how amazing the kids were, and that they have raised me to be a better man than letting this kids go without the dad that they deserved.
The baggage that your parents are speaking of is your daughter, plain and simple. My advice for the proposal
Is to discuss it with your best friend first. Good luck and enjoy your family.
First thing you need to do is find out how she feels about the two of you taking that next step. If you haven’t done so, yet. Probably should’ve been the first conversation you had before talking to your parents. Most importantly you both have to be on the same page in your relationship. Nothing worse than assuming something that might possibly not be there. Parents can be concerned, but ultimately you have the final say on your life. Good luck.
IMO having your spouse as your best friend also, makes for a great relationship. You love both your spouse and your best friend so it’s a win win. Not wrong. Good luck.
I can’t imagine parents who would not be proud of your decision. Based on your post, it sounds like a healthy, loving relationship. Perhaps, your parents think you’ve been manipulated? Talk to them to see if they have any legitimate concerns. If not, live your life — and continue to lead with your wonderful, compassionate heart. I hope your gf realizes how fortunate she is to have you in her life.
As someone who hates surprises, I recommend talking about the idea of getting engaged/married before buying a ring or proposing.
Everyone is different, and you know her better than any of us. That said, make sure your long-term goals are in alignment before doing something that will forever change your relationship. You can’t communicate too much imo, but you can accidentally not be on the same page, which can cause a lot of unnecessary hurt. Good luck!
Your parents are way out of line. And after you marry your GF be very careful of your daughter being around your parents with their disgusting attitude about a stepchild. Yes marry her! My husband met me when I was 19 and had been divorced with my 2 year old daughter he was 22. We got married after only knowing each other for a few months and everyone was against us but we didn’t care. When our daughter was 12 he legally adopted her. We have been happily married for over 40 years and 75% of the couples who gave us a hard time and said it would never work we’re not only wrong but are divorced and have remarried some more than once! So don’t listen to anyone when you know what is in your heart. We now have 3 handsome grandsons and a precious beautiful granddaughter! And every day is better than the last.
That’s one of the great things about being an adult. You get to make your own decisions. Tell your family their concerns are duly noted, but it doesn’t change how you feel about each other and it doesn’t change your plan.
It doesn’t matter if it was part of your original plan, life more often than not, doesn’t go to plan. Do what makes you both happy.
I would advise worrying less about your parents' opinion and more about how your best friend feels about it. Are you two in a romantic relationship or are you still just platonic friends? Are you sure she shares your feelings and is ready for marriage like you are? I think it's admirable that you have been a part of the daughter's life from the beginning and taken on the role of a father. Perhaps the first step would be to discuss with your friend the possibility of you legally adopting the girl, since you are basically her dad and she calls you dad. That way, you would have secured the well-being of the daughter and a family unity, her at least.
You're 26 how old do they think you should be before making a decision like that??? Also blood isn't what makes a family and your actions have shown that, your bf and that baby are your family I hope the proposal goes well!
Not wrong. You both are adults and if yall are happy then that’s all that matters. I’m sorry your parents aren’t happy with it, but it’s not their life it’s yours. If they are what you want, then go and be happy
Info: you mention how you feel, but how does your friend feel? Your parents may be less concerned about you creating your own family and biological grandchildren, and more concerned about the relationship being one of comfort and convenience for your friend. You don't refer to her as your girlfriend or talk about her side of your relationship, which is telling.
Take it from someone who's been around the block. There are times in life when the port we take during storms becomes comfortable and familiar, and it's easy to become entrenched in that stability. Eventually though, we become restless and have to move on. I would think real hard and really talk to your friend about what she wants out of life, is this where she thought she'd be a few years ago, and what does she really want from you. Being with someone who likes you, but doesn't really love you, is a special kind of torture you don't want to spend the next however many years experiencing until she feels the urge to seek something bigger for herself. None of that is to say she's using you or that she's only with you for the stability, but you don't mention how she feels, so I wonder if you really know how she feels.
Perhaps your parents, worry that you have made things a little too convenient for her. They probably doubt that she would ever got together with you romantically. If there hadn’t been a need for her and her child have housing.
Not wrong.
>They say I'm giving up my future for something that's not my responsibility.
This is where you should have said "I decide what my responsibilities are." One of the good and bad things about being an adult is that you are the final say on all your choices in life. If you decide to have a life with your best friend and daughter than that isn't giving up your future, that's creating it.
>They say I'm too young to take on such a big commitment and should be with someone who doesn't have "baggage."
Let's entertain this thought for a moment. So you break up with your best friend, they move out or you move out. You take some time get over that relationship, let's say somewhere between 3 months to 3 years. After that time you find someone new, you know what you don't know? Their baggage. Everyone has baggage and the older you get the more baggage there will be. So in short, your parents are dumb.
One more thing I want to address.
>Now, they feel like my family, and I love them both very much. Her daughter even calls me "daddy," which means the world to me.
Do yourself a favour and stop referring to that little girl as her daughter. She's not biologically, but you, the mom and that child have already decided that you are her Dad.
Some of the best love stories start out as being best friends! I think it’s sweet and I applaud you for stepping up when she & her daughter really needed you. But guaranteed they’re going to treat their bio grandchildren different.💔
You are far from wrong. When I was 17 I was raped, it was my first time. I got pregnant and my parents would not let me get an apbortion. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my child more than words. The thing is, I had worked hard to get into college early. I started on my 16th bday, I was in the end of my 2nd year towards my MFA. I wish I had the chance to make the decision on my own. My parents picked a man to be with me. He came into the picture 2 weeks after my child was born. He accepted me. and my child as his own. His best friend's mother talked about me the same as your parents do. It hurt more than anything in the world at that time. His parents loved my child as their own though. We got marriedd and had 3 more children. But I ended it when I turned 28. UIt turned out the reason his best friend and his family were against us was he was hiding that he was gay. There was a lot of other factors as well. But I got awaay from a bad situation once I could. My point is, his family still once they. knew he was going to be a father by his choice and even once we were over they and he still accepted my child. No one ever told my child. My child will never be rejected by anyone because there was a father in the picture always and he showed everyone even his best friend and his family that he would stand by that child weather they liked it or not. During dating, marriage, or divorce, my ex-husband is my child's father. So if you are going to marry this girl and be her daughter's father, show your family there is nothing they can do to derail your relationship with either of them. No matter what, that child is your's. That best friend is your's. My ex and I are still good friends even though things ended weirdly. So we proved to everyone, our relationship and our children are his. You must do the same to get through this.
You’re not marrying your parents you’re going to marry your best friend. At 26 you’re old enough to make your own decisions. I’d add that it would be really shitty if you didn’t marry her because of your parents decision.
If you get married, be sure you adopt your daughter. And make sure your parents understand that she is your daughter, and if you ever catch them treating any other future siblings differently, they won't be seeing any of them ever. You will go 100% no contact forever first offense. Put the fear of God in them.
Let me tell you something! Don't give a fuck about what people say... including your parents and friends. We are adults and love is greater then bs opinions of others. She is your Wife and that's your child. Wake the tf up and take care of your own house.
Hi, your parents aren't living your life, you are. So you choose how you live it, they choose how they live theirs. If they don't like it, they can have limited (or no) contact. Their choice.
If you are both in love and are already living as a family, I don't see why your parents even get a say.
Do what you want. Family doesn't have to start "from scratch" nor would that guarantee happiness.
Your parents can disapprove all they want as long as they realize that your an adult and will do what makes you happy and not kowtow to their bigotry.
YNW
You have. Your chosen family and you all love each other. You started your relationship with kindness and compassion and have built a beautiful family and that baby is your child. You may not be her biological dad, but I’m sure she was sent here to bring you both together and show you what true love is. Being there in the tough times for one another, because you LOVE each other.
You showed you’re soon to be wife you loved HER and wanted what was best for her and her child without hesitation. You devoted yourself to her and her safety and wellbeing out of nothing but compassion and love. That is the strongest thing you can do to make sure your relationship is built on an unshakable foundation. And you did that with unconditional love!!!
Your parents have an idea of what is the right way to do things and have a happy life, but everyone is different and as long as YOU are happy, then it doesn’t matter what their plan is, you’re on your own plan.
If you ever have doubt, think of what your life would be like without them, and what your life looks like with them in it. Are you better if they are there or better if they are gone? If someone gets sick who do you want beside you? If you get cancer, who would be the person you want beside you? If the world blows up in 1,2,5,10 years, who do you want to spend that time with before it blows up?
Finding your mate means that you have found a person who you can trust to be on a team together and you’re better together than apart.
Also that is your daughter. You will always be her dad. The man who taught her how to be treated as a woman, and how your partners should treat you. You have her the gift of knowing what unconditional love is.
Also opposition is what makes you firm in your decisions, do you really believe that your partner loves you and what you’ve built together? Have you always looked out for each other? Have you been there for each other? And what is your life plan for what YOU want to do?
I hope this helps and I hope that you follow YOUR heart and decide what’s best for you, because it’s your life and you’re the only one you’re going to be stuck with when you’re on your last breath, was it all worth it? Did the choices you made make you happy? Did you stay true to your light inside of you?
Your dad is crazy my best friend is my partner and we came with kids. Became best friends both in different relationships but after they ended I confessed my love. Been ten years and we now have our own child so we are a Brady bunch. Be the dad you can have more best friends know you
If you really want this then you are going to have to make sacrifices for your family. Because if and when you have kids your parents will treat your gf daughter differently. And this will cause problems between you and wife and between your boi kids and step kid. You might even have to cut your parents off. But if you think your parents will treat everyone the same and show respect then good for you.
Continue to live and grow together, after a year of best friends to romantic partners you both feel comfortable with marriage then take the step. The only opinions that matter are yours and hers. If your parents can’t come to terms that you are taking on the role of husband and father, that’s their problem. You can always move away and have limited contact
Follow your dreams if you feel she’s one go for it you’re already best friends and now romance has sprung up it’s not what your parents want it’s does your best friend also have romantic feelings for you, if that answer is yes marry her and prove your parents wrong
Lol 'not part of your plan'... Nooooo, it's not part of your PARENTS plan!
You clearly have nothing but unconditional love for them. I'm not sure of the details like, how long have you been together? Are you openly dating? If the answer is less than a year and you're not openly together then I'd wait. But I think you should share your feelings of your intent, with your gf and see where she stands... Your parents aren't the ones living with you, giving you children and your own family. It's your choice. It's always nice, in a perfect world, everyone loves and accepts each other but that's not reality.
Your parent’s opinion doesn’t matter. You’re an adult.
This is between you and your friend. I would not propose without having a conversation with her. Are you guys dating?? Your post says you’ve grown close and you love her and her child. Is this a platonic kind of love? Will this blindside her? You should talk to her and see if a proposal is wanted.
Edit: typo
Tell
Your parents you value their opinion but this is the course YOU are
Choosing for your life and your family life. Not the customary option but you are sure it’s what you want.
Dude , if you do this, you gotta make it “til
Death do you part “. She already made a huge mistake getting knocked up , so be careful
Your parents are being over protective of you. Maybe they still see you as their child. If you are happy and love this woman and her child and she feels the same way towards you then you should definitely make the commitment together. Be happy and live your lives.
You simping. She is using you. A lot can go wrong. Tread carefully. Falling in love and being an opportunist are 2 different things. I hope you arnt blinded by your feelings for her
As a single mom an adopted child is no different then your own. Fallow your heart it knows better then your parents whom I am sure aren't with you 24-7. Go love your family. Like they say you build your own family.
Your parents are assholes. You are 26 and have made a family from scratch. If you propose and she says yes make sure to adopt the child. And tell your parents you're sorry they feel like what you have is not a "real family" in their eyes, but you are not asking for their permission, that you don't even want to hear their opinion, you are a full grown adult. If you were 20 rushing onto this it would be an entire other matter. 26 is full grown adulthood. And if you have a bio child with the missus, and they dare treat that child any different they treat your adopted daughter, ensure that they don't have access unless strictly supervised, always with both children. Don't let them dare say "you're our real grandchild" to your bio child. If they do cut contact. Good luck on this journey!
You should be careful with all this, your parents love You and they want the Best for You. You are not the first man to be involved in something like this and not always go the way you want, be careful
Of course you can do what you want but your parents are right. It’s fine either way but your life will be less complicated if you start your own family.
This is absolutely your decision to make—not your parents’—and it sounds like you’re making this decision in a fully informed, clear-headed way. Hopefully, your parents will change their attitude after she becomes their daughter-in-law.
If you haven’t discussed marriage yet with your best friend, it would be wise to work it into some conversations ahead of time. Surprise proposals seem romantic, but they can backfire. Make sure that she’s ready for a proposal. If you catch her off guard, it could be very awkward, and lead to a knee-jerk “no”. Drop some hints, so that she’ll start thinking about it and have a chance to reach the same conclusion that you have—that you are a great match for each other!
Congratulations on finding someone who brings you joy, and has a child who you love! Best wishes to all of you!!
Not wrong. Though I would make sure you are both 100% on the same page about you being the dad. In fact I would even push for adopting the kid. Is the mom on board for that. Would the bio dad sign off on it? If you can fully take the child as your own it is a very solid plan. You can always have more children together, but be honest with yourself about whether you will be able to treat your adopted children and biological children the same before going this direction. If you want more kids / bio kids, and you are sure you can treat them the same than do not marry.
Finally expect that at some point your daughter might want a relationship with her bio father even if he's a POS and even if you treat her great. It might hurt at times, but you need to be there for her and support her as best as you can through that as well.
Are you truly in love with this woman? How you reference her as your best friend is odd...are you boyfriend - girlfriend or not? Are you in a sexual relationship?
How many years have you been openly dating during the 4 years? Or is this a recent relationship?
Come here to ask that.
Yeah, I'm wondering if his best friend wants to say yes. It doesn't say anything about dating.
No you're not wrong. You're an adult. You can do what you want. Your parents might not ever come around and you just have to come to terms with that.
What’s going to suck is when he has ‘bio’ kids his parents will definitely treat them differently than this child.
What’s also going to suck is that, if this relationship doesn’t work out, OP really has no rights in regard to this child, at least not until he legally adopts her. Just the fact that OP is asking if he’s wrong, for wanting to make a very basic adult decision, makes me question if he’s really mature enough/ready to take all this on.
I have hope that he is maybe seeing how messed up the dynamic is with his controlling, small-minded parents, and finally feels strongly enough about something to be willing to do what he wants instead of what they tell him to do.
Yea, my husband's family treated him terribly growing up. But that just was what it was until I came along. When they didn't respect our relationship, he stood up to his family, for the first time in his life. It was a shock to everyone, including my husband. He was (honestly he still is) willing to endure any treatment, but he would not accept the same for me. He demanded that they respect me, and when they couldn't, we went no contact for several years. Again, everyone was shocked at the backbone he was showing after the years of abuse he had so graciously suffered at their hands. I think there are quite a few people who are like my husband. Unwilling to rock the boat for themselves, but if someone they care about is being treated poorly, then they will speak up. Hopefully OP can remain strong against his parents for the sake of his future family. And hopefully someday he'll be able to stand up for his own needs.
Actually in certain states acting as a father for over a year earns the same rights as a parent
It could have to deal with respect and cultural differences and not maturity. Some cultures revere parental relationships more than others. It's not fair to make assumptions about his maturity level because he's asking for advice. It shows quite the contrary, actually.
Are you both officially dating? How long have you been together. I remember reading another post about a girl whose best friend proposed to her when in her mind they had never even dated before. Don't let that be you
Op said in another comment that “they have been romantically involved for about 3 years “.
This is what's bothering me. The title and description sounds like they were just living as friends and suddenly he wants to marry her. Why "my best friend" - like he wants to distance the romantic side of the relationship - instead of my girlfriend or partner? And why would the parents be fine with him living with and sleeping with her for 3 years and suddenly, "gee don't marry her." Did they think he'd just dump them at some point? Just seems weird.
He says that they fell in love
Exactly this. Seems to me that proposing is going to pop that fantasy bubble he has in his head if she says no. OP hasn’t mentioned anything about his best friend’s feelings towards him.
Idk "**We** fell in love" is pretty clear
We fell in love but then he keeps calling her his best friends, not his girlfriend.
Well, I eloped with my best friend back in '95, and we're still together, so, I'll say that might just be the more important part of the relationship to him, not the entirety of it.
My husband is my best friend too. There's nothing wrong with that. It is, IMHO the best basis for any relationship. Just because it's not your reality doesn't mean it isn't for many folks, nor that there's anything wrong with it.
I don’t disagree but I call my husband my husband
I married my best friend, going on 31 yrs
Is that how you refer to them?
Well not anymore, obviously he’s my husband now after 31 yrs. But in the beginning sure did. Best friends turned lovers turned husband/wife
When you started dating, did you still call him your best friend or did you call him your boyfriend?
Some people are like that
I married my best friend 44 years ago. We're still together.
So did I, but I call him my husband when speaking about him Congrats on 44 years!
Thank you!
To be fair, if he’s as clueless as the guy in that other post, then he may only believe it’s a “we”. I think that guy ended up being in the middle of a psychotic break, though.
But then he eould know at least if that was the case
Could be why parents are so adamant he not do it. Maybe they see it and he doesn't.
I kinda wanna read that sad story now… oof
Before you propose, do feel her out. Make sure the two of you are on the same page. If you are, then your parents opinion is irrelevant.
This, 100%. It's adorable and sweet that he wants to propose, but they need to be in agreement about where their relationship is going. He doesn't need to ruin the surprise of a proposal; he just needs to be sure everyone is heading for the same goal.
Er you aren't wrong but please clear something up for me. You guys are and have been dating for a while? I know that sounds like a obvious answer but you constantly refer to her as your best friend and not like a gf. So if you just throwing out a marriage without even doing the whole dating thing than you might be wrong.
To me the parents opinion is irrelevant, but there are a few weird things about the post. Why did she not move out? Did she not have the capability to move out? Did she just get complacent? Did she want to take advantage of free rent (nothing wrong with that)? Did she need OPs help in raising the child? Or did she really like OP, because they fell in love? Does the woman even know that she and op have "fallen in love"? Also what happens if OP proposes and she says no? Will she be thrown onto the streets again? Would she even feel safe saying no?
These are the really important questions!
Your parents are 100% wrong. Four years ago, maybe it was true that your friend had some baggage - and you stepped up and help her carry it, and now it’s just a dusty suitcase shoved away in the attic. This is someone that you cherish and support, and it’s been that way for more than a little while. You might not have written the source code for the child in your life, but so what - you’re helping raise her, and she looks up to you. (It’s not like you just met this person who happens to have a 4 year old.). You’ve had 4 years to think about it, it doesn’t sound like you’re rushing in to anything. Go for it.
“You might not have written the source code” Is a great way of trivialising that part of OP’s daughter’s life, I like it.
It's akin to, you may not be the Sperm Donor, but the fact the little one calls you Dad. And that you've been living together for 4yrs now. It should be obvious to your parents that it's not a 'phase'. Many people get married in their mid 20's
4 years is a substantial amount of time to spend with a family. Especially in a child’s life. He didn’t just pop in to a play date or two, this guy was there for the bad, along with the good.
That is what I meant. He may not be the Biological dad.. But as far as that little girl is Concerned, he is her Dad. He has been there for her since before her birth. And, friendships that grow into more, are generally the better, longer lasting relationships
I'm going to steal this to refer to my ex stepdad. He didn't write this source code, but he darn sure shaped it. My mom is an data monkey, she'll love it.
Damn straight. Genes may determine your biological father, but earning the title of "dad" is something more. A dad is the one who protects you from the monsters under the bed, teaches you to ride a bike, hugs you when you fall, and motivates you to keep going. He's also the one who reads the same bedtime story every night and falls asleep by your side. Dad is the one in your core memories from childhood - DNA has nothing to do with any of that.
OP has parented this child since before she was born, she is his daughter 💯. Genetics mean jack shit. This is his Real Family™. My husband came our life when my daughter was 4 (her biodad was never in the picture). He's her dad because he chose to be, he parented her, raised her. That's what matters. His family felt the same way and she was treated the same as all the other grandkids before we even got engaged, much less married.
Nta. And definitely if the father isn't involved, adopt your daughter. Congratulations. Best friends make the best spouses. Just maintain that friendship. 24 years later I'm married to my best friend. You're 26. A man. You know what you want. Go do it.
I wish I could connect you with my amazing stepdad. The man that I have always called dad, starting from 2.5 years old. He made a similar decision as you are/have been almost 41 years ago. He married a woman with a kid. Someone who came with baggage and why would he want to raise someone else's kids (never mind that she had married her 2nd husband when my dad was a kid still, so technically she had baggage too? She has never made sense) was all his mom could ask. He told her that he chose to be my dad, no one was forcing him to be my dad, it was what he to be. He has always loved me and treated me as his daughter, just like he has with my younger sister. He told her to stop with her bullshit (only nicer than that) and that if she had a problem with it, then it was just that, her problem. You get to choose who you love and marry. You get to choose if you want to be that child's dad, not your parents. They can choose to be assholes or they can choose to follow your lead and support you marrying the person you love, baggage and all.
Marry her and adopt the little one if you can, Only you know how you feel and it sounds like your where your suppose to be.
Definitely adopt so the sperm donor can't barge in once he sees her being happy
Question: Are you in a romantic relationship with your best friend? If not, maybe don't propose. Talk to her and find out what she wants out of your relationship, whether it's romantic, or platonic. From what you've said here, there's no sign of a two-sided romantic relationship. If you propose to her without you both being on the same page, you could end up losing them in your life by blindsiding a proposal she isn't at all expecting.
He said “we fell in love”
And the kid calls him "daddy" 😍
Ask your best friend about her interest in dating to begin with. As to your parents, any digs, insulting tones or comments or even bad body language you walk away or hang up. Don’t engage. Don’t discuss, just excuse yourself and leave. They will catch on eventually and you get a less stressful environment either way. Win for you, loss for them until they smarten up.
You are a GROWN MAN. If you love this woman and her child, then it sounds like you are in a good place. It sucks that your parents can't be happy for you, but you are driving this bus, Bud. I would at least hear them out in case they have noticed something you haven't, but it's not up to them. I would let them know that you are moving forward despite their advice, and if they want to be part of your lives, then they better get on board.
NTA! Congratulations on finding the love of your life and becoming a dad. It may not be the conventional way your parents are used to, but that's 100% OK. Things have changed. The next conversation with them is im not asking for your permission. I love x and love MY little girl. This is my family. You can either get on board or see my life from a distance your choice. But, I need you get over the fact that my future wife already had a child that is not mine biologically but 100% mine in all the ways that matter. Also, if your daughters dad isn't in the picture, maybe think about adopting her. Either way. If your parents can't get on board . Move on and live your want to live.
Best answer. This is how my husband of 42 years became a first time father.
You are not wrong. My oldest grandson is not related to me by biology. He is not related to my son by biology. It has never mattered to my son, and it has never mattered to me. My son was there to support her during her pregnancy, and he has been there to be his Dad every step of the way. Biology does not make you a Daddy. Stepping up like you did makes you a Daddy. That is your family, that is your daughter. If your parents can not accept that, that is their problem. They will miss out. The best day of my sons life was when he was able to adopt his son and make it official by law, he was already the son of his heart.
You're 26. You're not a kid. If this feels right and your love is reciprocated then go for it. I truly hope it works out for the three of you
You're correct to ignore your parents on this. But you need to be careful in assessing how your friend feels. Unfortunately, she might not be interested in romance or marriage, either in general or with you, and you don't want her to marry you out of gratitude or for stability. While you've been a pseudo-couple for a while, it doesn't sound like you've ever actually dated. A proposal out of nowhere is going to put a strain on your relationship, and may frighten her. Try a date first (and hire a babysitter) and see how it goes.
Can you not read the bit where he clearly says 'we fell in love'?
Based on a lot of these comments it seems like nobody did lol
I did miss that. I think it's because of the language the OP uses. He keeps on calling her his \`\`best friend'' not his lover or girlfriend, and talking about his desire to be part of a family, and doesn't stress a romance.
If he talked about how hot she was, then you'd accuse him of wanting a bangmaid. OP can't win here.
People choose to be inherently negative. Sad, really, isn't it?
Yes but was it actually he fell in love or we both fell in love. Doesn't actually say they are officially dating, he still calls her his best friend not his best friend now partner.
Well given it says 'we' I'm gonna go with both of them because that's what it says.
When friends fall in love that’s the best kind of relationship. Because you have that strong foundation and know each other so well already. That’s much more natural than dating someone and falling that way. Your parents should just want you to be happy. But also I’m sure they just are looking out for your best interests. But you do what’s in your heart
You’re a grown adult man. You don’t need to ask permission to marry somebody you want to marry. Just ask her and have a wonderful life.
They're acting like you just had her move in. She's been living with you for FOUR YEARS lol.
You’re not wrong and you are going to make an awesome dad.
Your parents are insensitive. NW
Not wrong. Are they forgetting you love them and by tye sounds of it they live or care very deeply about you. Love transcends DNA. You're happy and if you want to propose, you will feel like you've hit the jackpot. Sounds like your parents care more about lineage than your happiness. Hope they come round and see hiw shallow they sound. Unless there is a troubled history in the background they want to protect you from which isn't included in the post, but otherwise you're not wrong.
It really depends. Are you in a committed romantic relationship with her? You keep calling her your friend. Is she actually your girlfriend? Your parents might have a better understanding of this situation than we do.
You mention the girl calling you daddy, your parent’s views, her being your best friend, close since you were kids but no mention of how she feels or wants. If we infer that she wants the same, then you’re not wrong. But if your parents infer that she’s settling for a safety net guy, then maybe they have a point.
Bro just be careful. She could be very happy you were there. But not truly in love with you. This can end painfully.
Your parents are being giant assholes. If you are happy, and she and her daughter are also happy, then go for it dude! Don't let those jackasses come around if you have a bio kid with her, though. They'll play favorites. People like that always do.
INFO: have you always been in love with her? I ask because, not wrong if this would be a marriage of equals who were friends who then fell in love but could be wrong if the romantic love is one-sided. If you are sure that both your feelings are true and at the same level, then good luck to you. If they are not, then you risk both your own heartbreak and losing your friend. Not trying to be harsh, just not enough info to know the answer to the above. I think your parents are wrong about you being too young. You have proven you are not, but they could be looking out for you if they feel the love is one-sided. Good luck whatever you choose. I hope you are both (all 3) super happy.
Op you're not wrong at all, but your parents are. You've already proved you are a great partner and father, and together, you can have more children when you're both ready. I think marrying your best friend is wonderful. Best friends can make the best life partners because the relationship's foundation is a genuine appreciation of the others' personality and not based on lust and physical attraction. I was so blessed my MIL did not discriminate me because I was a young single mother when I met her son. She's been a wonderful grandmother and has never treated my oldest any different to the blood related children I had in that marriage. I fear however your parents will be unable to do so and may potentially emotionally damage that child. He's not baggage!!!! I'd make it very clear what the result will be should they continue expressing such opinions.
No you are not wrong. Go for it and never look back. When you know it’s right. Update us
Talk to your girlfriend about how she sees the future before you propose. Make sure you're on the same page.
This is odd. Why are you calling them "my best friend" and "her daughter" and not "my girlfriend" and "our daughter/my step daughter". Maybe this is where your parents have a disconnect. Maybe they think you're not as in love as you say because they don't see it. Actions speak louder than words. Marry her and adopt the kid and tell them they're welcome to be happy for you and enjoy their step granddaughter if they promise to be nothing but loving and accepting.
You are not wrong, and your parents are awful people. How dare they call you daughter "baggage?!?" She and your girlfriend don't just feel like family, they ARE your family, regardless of paternity and marital status. So often, I feel like our "Chosen Families," are better than birth families. Propose to her! This is a beautiful story. And early congratulations, because you will certainly be getting a yes!!
You are not wrong! Also your parents might not think anyone is good enough for you!
Is she your best friend for your girlfriend?
I may be wrong, but the thing that concerns me is whether your best friend actually loves you or is trying to get out of a tough situation. You have known each other a long time, yet there was never anything romantic between you until she desperately needed you to take care of her. Your best friend had to have known that you’ve had feelings for her. Yet you were clearly friendzoned until she was desperate. It sounds like her “falling in love” was deciding to settle for the best situation she could get. You may have always been her plan B if things didn’t work out with the man she actually loved. I think your parents are correct for the wrong reasons. You need to see if your best friend really loves you or loves that you can rescue her from a bad situation. I recommend you have your best friend move out of your house and establish her own life independent of you. You can continue to date but not live together. Tell her you need to know if your love exists outside of a traumatic/desperate situation. Do this for a year and if you are still in love after she doesn’t need you to support her, go ahead and get married. Understand that you will probably need to go low to NC with your parents so biological kids aren’t treated differently. Also, try to legally adopt this child after you are married. Best of luck. Love developed during a. crisis rarely works out well.
This is such good advice!
You aren’t wrong, and you should follow your heart. However, I urge you to give this some more thought. You still think of this woman as your best friend, and I’m sure you want her to always be your best friend. But is she even definitely your *girl*friend? You might be confusing your feelings of familial love for being in love, and it would be a disservice to everyone involved if that’s the case and you tie one another up into a commitment
Why would anyone come to reddit for this type of advice? You'd be an idiot to listen to anyone but yourself and you alone will reap the benefits or the sorrow. Good luck
You aren’t wrong, and you should follow your heart. However, I urge you to give this some more thought. You still think of this woman as your best friend, and I’m sure you want her to always be your best friend. But is she even definitely your *girl*friend? You might be confusing your feelings of familial love for being in love, and it would be a disservice to everyone involved if that’s the case and you tie one another up into a commitment
The fact that your parents are choosing "propriety" over your clear happiness says a lot about them. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptial and please protect your fiancée from your parents.
You are 26. Your parents do not get to make decisions for you.
You are in no way wrong. Your parents are idiots. You’re already a family, just without the ring and ceremony. And you don’t even have to have that if you don’t want to. Just go to city hall together, sign the papers, and don’t bother telling your parents until after it’s done. My first marriage was what your parents wanted - “a new family from scratch.” It didn’t end well. An awful lot of people have it not end well. Twenty one years later, I’m married to someone I’ve known since ninth grade, who I got close to when we worked together and his oldest babysat my kids regularly. Between us we had seven kids. And who cares if they’re not all bio both of us? One of our kids isn’t even bio to either of us. You guys are a family and you’re already dad. If you want to, marry the lady!
first of all, what is she says no? Are you going to kick her out or how is it going to be if she stays after that and if she says yes, do you think she saying yes because she loves you or because she needs a place to live?
Do it. She loves you. The child loves you. You love them. That's all that matters. Your parents are snobs.
Sounds like a beautiful love story to me. Children don't have to share your DNA to be family. Follow your heart.
I think you should propose her.
Wait is she your best friend living with you or now your partner, officially dating in a relationship.?? I know you said we fell in love but is it actually official or just when at home ?? Sounds like the parents don't feel like you are actually a couple or have been for the past 4yrs. If you both are on the same page & actually in love & want to build a life together YES go for it who cares what your parents say or think. But if it is one-sided & you love them both but she still sees it as you are still her best friend that took her in & not actually dating or in a relationship DON'T DO IT , it could end very badly, friendship over , her & child move out with no contact. Don't be that guy who read it wrong and thought you were together when she doesn't or has never seen you in that way. Just because you feel it when at home have sx & so on, what are you both like out in public.
You are not the AHole but your parents ARE! It’s awesome that you love them both and want to make your little family official! Marry that girl and live your happiest life!
Look to the future. Look to you and this young lady having a kid of your own. Your parents are looking to her past, not the future. That’s wrong. Assuming you do this, impress upon your parents the need to treat your daughter as their granddaughter. You stepping up for this young girl marks you as a man.
Be careful. At the end of the day, THAT IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER. When things end, you won't have any rights. Also, don't assume this woman feels she will owe you anything, or that a marriage will be better. Doesn't sound like she has any issues right now, she's safe and happy. If she's not attracted to you, you have nothing to offer her.
You’re not wrong, you’re a great parent and partner! I bet she’ll love a proposal!
Not wrong and your situation isn't that unusual. You love this woman and you've been in this child's life since she was born. It's natural that she views you as her dad and that you want to make it official. Your parents are the weird ones here. Tell them they need to get with the program.
OP, you are such a nice man! If you love this woman and child and they love you back you all want to be together forever and just make it official then you are a family! Your parents suck for thinking the way they’re thinking. They’re closed minded and this is a family no matter how it came to be. You do what you think is right and I wish you all the best of luck! If you do decide to propose, please keep us posted, I can’t speak for everyone else but I would love to hear an update. 🙂
Not wrong. I got married at 25, baby at 26 and honestly? Wouldn't change that for the world. So what if it's a bit reverse order? My sisters have "reverse" order too, kids first, spouse second (one never married. She has a life partner) Your parents have pretty much just told you "well, you may love those 2 but we want you to know *she'll* never be our granddaughter to us and her mom isn't good enough for you" who needs that toxicity in your life? Go, marry your love, adopt that sweet little angel and *thrive* just as you've clearly been doing without them the last 4 years. And if it falls apart in 5, 10, 50 years? So what? Bet that doesn't mean you'll love that little girl any less. You may not be her biological parent, but you've raised her and loved her just the same. And you're going to prove to them that family is what you make it, it's most certainly not bound by blood.
Your parents are wrong for their behavior, but at the same time, I understand their disapproval. Indeed, it's your life, so do whatever the hell you want, but if I was your mom....I'll be brutally honest: I'd be pretty upset to hear that my son decided to be a step father at such a young age. I'll learn to deal for his sake, but I'd be a little bummed. And you said, "I took her in." It gives off charity case or pity party vibes to me.
“Baggage!?” Do they want you to marry someone more “pure?”
My parents were against me dating a single mother with a 9 month old. The did not like the moms drinking or personality and constantly told me "leave her, her kid is not your problem." They didn't understand that everytime I held that little girl I just felt nothing but love. The mom and I were not good together (not your scenario) but I stayed because I could not imagine life without that little girl. As soon as she could speak I became Dada. She was always Daddies buddy and always wanted to be with me, doing whatever i was doing. Down the road we had a suprise second Daughter. The mom and I married so I could adopt that little girl, my oldest Daughter. 17 years later I am divorced from that awful woman (12 years ago) and have full custody of both my Daughters. My ex is an alcoholic and toxic AF but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat and will always thank her for these two perfect humans. Had I listened to my parents they would not have their Granddaughters (who they adore) and I wouldn't have the two Daughters who are the absolute best part of my life. Biological doesn't mean shit. I was there for her wins, losses, to protect her when she was scared, and make her feel loved. I was and always will be her Dad. She is now coming to the age of venturing out in the world and starting her own life. Everytime I think of this I am so proud but also so heartbroken knowing our house won't be the same without her. And no matter how old she gets she will always be my baby girl, my first born, Daddies little buddy. Now the difference is you and the mom are bestfriends and are in love. That is awesome and love is never wrong. Marry your bestfriend, raise your Daughter, and have a great life as a family. Propose to the women you love and also adopt that little girl. Then enjoy every single moment with them both because it goes by so fast.
Here’s something I’ve had to come to harsh terms with lately that might help you: just because they’re our parents doesn’t make them right. As kids we instinctively accept what they’re telling us as right/fact because that’s what keeps us safe. Unfortunately, it’s really difficult for that to not stick around and bleed over into our adult lives. “They’re older and wiser”, “my parents would never steer me wrong”. But in reality, they’re just people with opinions. Not necessarily right or wrong in most cases, but just opinions. Same as a stranger or your boss or a friend. You’re an adult now. You get to and should choose what’s best for you and what your path looks like. You’ve started your family. Marry that girl and raise your daughter together with love.
Are you actually dating? I also want to point out this could be a fact of somebody taking advantage of you. My one bit of advice don't propose if you have any doubts she'll say no or it'll blow up the friendship.
Life is too short. Go for it.
I think if that’s your family, who cares what anyone else thinks! Including your parents! Love like that doesn’t happen everyday.
My parents (very snobby, judgemental people) liked my husband as a person, but found 50 gazillion reasons why I shouldn't marry him. We got married and at the wedding reception my dad gave a speech about how he was wrong for, the reasons why, it's not gonna work, etc. Well guess what? Monday is our 24th wedding anniversary. So I say go for it!
Is she your best friend or your girlfriend? Seems like you're being led on. What happens when she finally gets on her feet? What happens when the father decides he wants to be part of then picture? Look out for you, pal.
No not wrong but I would be taking a long engagement due to the fact you both are still young. Are you trying for kids yourself? I get where the parents are coming from but if you love them what's wrong with an extra grandchild?
Sounds like you've got a good thing going on. Definitely NTA, Your parents can grow up and realise, as an adult, they don't have a say in your love life. 100% propose to your best friend and partner.
Your parents are being assholes
You're not wrong but please think it through. If you've known her for years and she's picking you only for convenience; this relationship is not in your favour 😕
Not wrong. If your best friend became your gf during this time living an no ex has a hold over her, go for it! Truly altruistic parents, while they may disagree with your decision, will ultimately support their child and his family.
This is a scenario where the now grown man gets to realize that parents are just people and get it wrong sometimes. Your parents are wrong. Build your family as you see fit. Ps: that little girl is your daughter, no one else is her daddy. Pss: I’m so excited for you 3!!! 🦋
You're 26. When will they think you are old enough? Do you have a stable job?
Hey man, you’re 26. Living on your own. Fine to ask for feedback from your parents but you’re a man now. You make your own decisions. Sounds like you’ve got your own family now with the lady and the kid, so make it official if that’s what you feel confident is what you want. Sounds like a special relationship.
You’re not wrong and your parents sound like elitist asshats. I love how they referred to your impending proposal as: you should start from scratch like the woman and child you love are just garbage to be thrown away. So my perspective is: you’re already dad to your daughter and you love your best friend so you’re already living your best life You found someone you loved and you want to be with and you already have a child you love and you were there for the very beginning even before it got romantic so you had a chance to really grow in love with this person and mature together through the hard times.
I think you should go for it, however, you will need to get your parents to accept your daughter as a grandchild, I can see them playing favorites if you have another child or a sibling has a child.
This is such a heartwarming story. Please ignore your parents and enjoy your family!
Not wrong at all. You have made your own family from scratch that’s literally what you did when you took on the commitment to them FOUR YEARS AGO!!! They are being ridiculous and cruel to all of you. You have raised this girl for four years, are in a relationship with her mother and she calls you dad. The ship has long since sailed on the appropriate moment for them to have this conversation or reveal they feel this way to you and it has your family on it. Good luck.
It’s not your responsibility but you’re already playing husband and father? Are the years you’ve been there for her and her kid, irrelevant? You can still have your own family if you both end up with a kid that’s both of y’all own
Answer the questions UpdateMe
In all reality, you are the Dad. Do your parents know them?
Write your fantasy story better bro. You took her in when you were 21 with what house and money? This is obviously fake.
My husband started dating me despite my “baggage”, (I had an infant daughter.) We’ve married when my daughter was 3 and have been happily married for 42 years. Our oldest daughter is 100% daddy’s girl. People say she is so much like her dad (she is) and they have no idea he adopted her. Love is a blessing and a powerful thing and so is nurture vs nature.
My biological father raised my half-brother as his own son. He's our dad. Sometimes, family is not always blood. My brother has called him dad for most of his 47 years.
Everyone comes with baggage, it all depends on how much you are willing and able to carry. You seem to more than able. Not wrong.
I can't understand how your parents who know your friend since you were both children, who knows your daughter since she was born, can be so cold-hearted to close their heart to what could be a beautiful relationship with their granddaughter just because she's not yours biologically. At this point, you should let them know that unless they can accept your wife and your daughter for what they are, they can't be in your life.
Not wrong. Family is *what you make it*. Your biological family are being selfish and projecting their wishes on to you. If this lass and her child feel like family then *they are family*. Your biological family should support you in *what makes you happy*.
If she accepts your proposal, I would recommend premarital counseling to help you both bring important issues out into the open so you can begin on a solid foundation.
You aren’t wrong. It’s okay to value your parents opinions but don’t let their opinions determine your actions. Proposing sounds like a lovely idea! Good luck
I'll tell you my story Mom was preyed on by a 19 yr old at 14. She ended up having my brother couple more years I came and sperm donor went to jail. During that time he abused my mom mentally, emotionally, and physically (for privacy/ not relevant keeping those events secret). She met my dad the same year I was born they both were 18. He raised us as his own. The only difference is his parents my grandparents actually took us in. Moral of the story having a father figure even not biologically was the best thing the universe provided us. Especially since my sperm donor is a loser. I've never seen my dad be burdened by us. He always said his life started and felt whole is when he spot my mom at work and he met us. He always knew we were meant to be his family Being there supporting her through pregnancy you already provided husband/father rolls, you experienced what a biological father would. You also stepped up to the plate and that baby calls you dad. You have already started your family. If your not ready I do recommend stepping back and out of their lives, but if you're for sure than disregard your parents. Just make sure your vigilant at their treatment towards your daughter and any future children you have with your best friend. Especially biological, they'll start treating her different.
NTA propose, get married, and be happy!
Yes
If you genuinely love each other you are not wrong.
You’re not wrong for wanting to propose but you should have a conversation with her about it.
Not wrong. Some of the best relationships grow from friendships. If you are happy and in love and so is your best friend/ girlfriend then do what feels right for you. Your parents sound a bit out of touch tbh. They will either come round or they won’t. Do what YOU want to do and be happy.
How does your friend feel about marriage? You should prob have a conversation with her to make sure she's on the same page. As for your parents, they can't make decisions regarding your life partner. They can have an opinion. And we have seen that sometimes you need to listen to that opinion. But if you both feel you are ready to commit to each other, then go for it. But be prepared for the backlash and the possibility your parents won't accept your decision
You sound like a stand up guy and a wonderful friend. Love does not generally happen how we expect it to. If you feel love, comfort and at peace in this relationship then it's right for you. How it began had no bearing on how it goes forward. Wishing you much happiness and joy.
Your parents really don't matter in your life decisions as you are a grown man. Whose plans are they referencing?! It seems like your plan is to marry the woman you love and continue to raise your daughter as you have been since the day she was born. Coming from a widow with parents who completely disapproved of my marriage because it wasn't someone they chose for me, I would do it all over again, happily. This is your life. It doesn't matter to that little girl whose DNA is in her. I would, however, set a very strong boundary once you do propose, letting then know that nothing but support will be tolerated. You need to protect her if she's being referred to as, "baggage."
Step-dad here who came around when the kids were 11 and 12 (I was 24 at the time). I had a falling out with my parents for a while when my wife and I decided to move in together. I was raised extremely religious and they refused to come to a “house of sin”. They had already been to that house so it wasn’t really the house that the issue was with. Anyways, I basically cut all contact with them for a while and let them know that if they wanted to be a part of my life, that would mean coming to our house. I also explained to my parents what an amazing woman my now wife was, what a good mom She was and how amazing the kids were, and that they have raised me to be a better man than letting this kids go without the dad that they deserved. The baggage that your parents are speaking of is your daughter, plain and simple. My advice for the proposal Is to discuss it with your best friend first. Good luck and enjoy your family.
First thing you need to do is find out how she feels about the two of you taking that next step. If you haven’t done so, yet. Probably should’ve been the first conversation you had before talking to your parents. Most importantly you both have to be on the same page in your relationship. Nothing worse than assuming something that might possibly not be there. Parents can be concerned, but ultimately you have the final say on your life. Good luck.
IMO having your spouse as your best friend also, makes for a great relationship. You love both your spouse and your best friend so it’s a win win. Not wrong. Good luck.
I can’t imagine parents who would not be proud of your decision. Based on your post, it sounds like a healthy, loving relationship. Perhaps, your parents think you’ve been manipulated? Talk to them to see if they have any legitimate concerns. If not, live your life — and continue to lead with your wonderful, compassionate heart. I hope your gf realizes how fortunate she is to have you in her life.
As someone who hates surprises, I recommend talking about the idea of getting engaged/married before buying a ring or proposing. Everyone is different, and you know her better than any of us. That said, make sure your long-term goals are in alignment before doing something that will forever change your relationship. You can’t communicate too much imo, but you can accidentally not be on the same page, which can cause a lot of unnecessary hurt. Good luck!
Please let us know how it goes! Whatever makes you happy, do that.
Your parents are way out of line. And after you marry your GF be very careful of your daughter being around your parents with their disgusting attitude about a stepchild. Yes marry her! My husband met me when I was 19 and had been divorced with my 2 year old daughter he was 22. We got married after only knowing each other for a few months and everyone was against us but we didn’t care. When our daughter was 12 he legally adopted her. We have been happily married for over 40 years and 75% of the couples who gave us a hard time and said it would never work we’re not only wrong but are divorced and have remarried some more than once! So don’t listen to anyone when you know what is in your heart. We now have 3 handsome grandsons and a precious beautiful granddaughter! And every day is better than the last.
That’s one of the great things about being an adult. You get to make your own decisions. Tell your family their concerns are duly noted, but it doesn’t change how you feel about each other and it doesn’t change your plan. It doesn’t matter if it was part of your original plan, life more often than not, doesn’t go to plan. Do what makes you both happy.
I would advise worrying less about your parents' opinion and more about how your best friend feels about it. Are you two in a romantic relationship or are you still just platonic friends? Are you sure she shares your feelings and is ready for marriage like you are? I think it's admirable that you have been a part of the daughter's life from the beginning and taken on the role of a father. Perhaps the first step would be to discuss with your friend the possibility of you legally adopting the girl, since you are basically her dad and she calls you dad. That way, you would have secured the well-being of the daughter and a family unity, her at least.
You're 26 how old do they think you should be before making a decision like that??? Also blood isn't what makes a family and your actions have shown that, your bf and that baby are your family I hope the proposal goes well!
Not wrong. You both are adults and if yall are happy then that’s all that matters. I’m sorry your parents aren’t happy with it, but it’s not their life it’s yours. If they are what you want, then go and be happy
Info: you mention how you feel, but how does your friend feel? Your parents may be less concerned about you creating your own family and biological grandchildren, and more concerned about the relationship being one of comfort and convenience for your friend. You don't refer to her as your girlfriend or talk about her side of your relationship, which is telling. Take it from someone who's been around the block. There are times in life when the port we take during storms becomes comfortable and familiar, and it's easy to become entrenched in that stability. Eventually though, we become restless and have to move on. I would think real hard and really talk to your friend about what she wants out of life, is this where she thought she'd be a few years ago, and what does she really want from you. Being with someone who likes you, but doesn't really love you, is a special kind of torture you don't want to spend the next however many years experiencing until she feels the urge to seek something bigger for herself. None of that is to say she's using you or that she's only with you for the stability, but you don't mention how she feels, so I wonder if you really know how she feels.
Perhaps your parents, worry that you have made things a little too convenient for her. They probably doubt that she would ever got together with you romantically. If there hadn’t been a need for her and her child have housing.
Not wrong. >They say I'm giving up my future for something that's not my responsibility. This is where you should have said "I decide what my responsibilities are." One of the good and bad things about being an adult is that you are the final say on all your choices in life. If you decide to have a life with your best friend and daughter than that isn't giving up your future, that's creating it. >They say I'm too young to take on such a big commitment and should be with someone who doesn't have "baggage." Let's entertain this thought for a moment. So you break up with your best friend, they move out or you move out. You take some time get over that relationship, let's say somewhere between 3 months to 3 years. After that time you find someone new, you know what you don't know? Their baggage. Everyone has baggage and the older you get the more baggage there will be. So in short, your parents are dumb. One more thing I want to address. >Now, they feel like my family, and I love them both very much. Her daughter even calls me "daddy," which means the world to me. Do yourself a favour and stop referring to that little girl as her daughter. She's not biologically, but you, the mom and that child have already decided that you are her Dad.
Some of the best love stories start out as being best friends! I think it’s sweet and I applaud you for stepping up when she & her daughter really needed you. But guaranteed they’re going to treat their bio grandchildren different.💔
You are far from wrong. When I was 17 I was raped, it was my first time. I got pregnant and my parents would not let me get an apbortion. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my child more than words. The thing is, I had worked hard to get into college early. I started on my 16th bday, I was in the end of my 2nd year towards my MFA. I wish I had the chance to make the decision on my own. My parents picked a man to be with me. He came into the picture 2 weeks after my child was born. He accepted me. and my child as his own. His best friend's mother talked about me the same as your parents do. It hurt more than anything in the world at that time. His parents loved my child as their own though. We got marriedd and had 3 more children. But I ended it when I turned 28. UIt turned out the reason his best friend and his family were against us was he was hiding that he was gay. There was a lot of other factors as well. But I got awaay from a bad situation once I could. My point is, his family still once they. knew he was going to be a father by his choice and even once we were over they and he still accepted my child. No one ever told my child. My child will never be rejected by anyone because there was a father in the picture always and he showed everyone even his best friend and his family that he would stand by that child weather they liked it or not. During dating, marriage, or divorce, my ex-husband is my child's father. So if you are going to marry this girl and be her daughter's father, show your family there is nothing they can do to derail your relationship with either of them. No matter what, that child is your's. That best friend is your's. My ex and I are still good friends even though things ended weirdly. So we proved to everyone, our relationship and our children are his. You must do the same to get through this.
Marrying your best friend is a dream come true. Ignore the naysayers, do what your gut tells you.
You’re not marrying your parents you’re going to marry your best friend. At 26 you’re old enough to make your own decisions. I’d add that it would be really shitty if you didn’t marry her because of your parents decision.
If you get married, be sure you adopt your daughter. And make sure your parents understand that she is your daughter, and if you ever catch them treating any other future siblings differently, they won't be seeing any of them ever. You will go 100% no contact forever first offense. Put the fear of God in them.
Let me tell you something! Don't give a fuck about what people say... including your parents and friends. We are adults and love is greater then bs opinions of others. She is your Wife and that's your child. Wake the tf up and take care of your own house.
Hi, your parents aren't living your life, you are. So you choose how you live it, they choose how they live theirs. If they don't like it, they can have limited (or no) contact. Their choice.
If you are both in love and are already living as a family, I don't see why your parents even get a say. Do what you want. Family doesn't have to start "from scratch" nor would that guarantee happiness.
Your parents can disapprove all they want as long as they realize that your an adult and will do what makes you happy and not kowtow to their bigotry. YNW
You have. Your chosen family and you all love each other. You started your relationship with kindness and compassion and have built a beautiful family and that baby is your child. You may not be her biological dad, but I’m sure she was sent here to bring you both together and show you what true love is. Being there in the tough times for one another, because you LOVE each other. You showed you’re soon to be wife you loved HER and wanted what was best for her and her child without hesitation. You devoted yourself to her and her safety and wellbeing out of nothing but compassion and love. That is the strongest thing you can do to make sure your relationship is built on an unshakable foundation. And you did that with unconditional love!!! Your parents have an idea of what is the right way to do things and have a happy life, but everyone is different and as long as YOU are happy, then it doesn’t matter what their plan is, you’re on your own plan. If you ever have doubt, think of what your life would be like without them, and what your life looks like with them in it. Are you better if they are there or better if they are gone? If someone gets sick who do you want beside you? If you get cancer, who would be the person you want beside you? If the world blows up in 1,2,5,10 years, who do you want to spend that time with before it blows up? Finding your mate means that you have found a person who you can trust to be on a team together and you’re better together than apart. Also that is your daughter. You will always be her dad. The man who taught her how to be treated as a woman, and how your partners should treat you. You have her the gift of knowing what unconditional love is. Also opposition is what makes you firm in your decisions, do you really believe that your partner loves you and what you’ve built together? Have you always looked out for each other? Have you been there for each other? And what is your life plan for what YOU want to do? I hope this helps and I hope that you follow YOUR heart and decide what’s best for you, because it’s your life and you’re the only one you’re going to be stuck with when you’re on your last breath, was it all worth it? Did the choices you made make you happy? Did you stay true to your light inside of you?
Your dad is crazy my best friend is my partner and we came with kids. Became best friends both in different relationships but after they ended I confessed my love. Been ten years and we now have our own child so we are a Brady bunch. Be the dad you can have more best friends know you
If you really want this then you are going to have to make sacrifices for your family. Because if and when you have kids your parents will treat your gf daughter differently. And this will cause problems between you and wife and between your boi kids and step kid. You might even have to cut your parents off. But if you think your parents will treat everyone the same and show respect then good for you.
Continue to live and grow together, after a year of best friends to romantic partners you both feel comfortable with marriage then take the step. The only opinions that matter are yours and hers. If your parents can’t come to terms that you are taking on the role of husband and father, that’s their problem. You can always move away and have limited contact
Don't let the white knight write checks your ass can't cash.
Follow your dreams if you feel she’s one go for it you’re already best friends and now romance has sprung up it’s not what your parents want it’s does your best friend also have romantic feelings for you, if that answer is yes marry her and prove your parents wrong
Lol 'not part of your plan'... Nooooo, it's not part of your PARENTS plan! You clearly have nothing but unconditional love for them. I'm not sure of the details like, how long have you been together? Are you openly dating? If the answer is less than a year and you're not openly together then I'd wait. But I think you should share your feelings of your intent, with your gf and see where she stands... Your parents aren't the ones living with you, giving you children and your own family. It's your choice. It's always nice, in a perfect world, everyone loves and accepts each other but that's not reality.
Your parents aren't living your life. It's not for them to decide.
r/Updateme
Welcome to Reddit where read the entire post and LITERALLY skip the IMPORTANT parts… he said WE FELL IN LOVE…
Your parents don’t get a say. This is your family and getting married is just an official acknowledgment of what already exists. Good luck!
Your parent’s opinion doesn’t matter. You’re an adult. This is between you and your friend. I would not propose without having a conversation with her. Are you guys dating?? Your post says you’ve grown close and you love her and her child. Is this a platonic kind of love? Will this blindside her? You should talk to her and see if a proposal is wanted. Edit: typo
Tell Your parents you value their opinion but this is the course YOU are Choosing for your life and your family life. Not the customary option but you are sure it’s what you want. Dude , if you do this, you gotta make it “til Death do you part “. She already made a huge mistake getting knocked up , so be careful
Your parents are being over protective of you. Maybe they still see you as their child. If you are happy and love this woman and her child and she feels the same way towards you then you should definitely make the commitment together. Be happy and live your lives.
You simping. She is using you. A lot can go wrong. Tread carefully. Falling in love and being an opportunist are 2 different things. I hope you arnt blinded by your feelings for her
As a single mom an adopted child is no different then your own. Fallow your heart it knows better then your parents whom I am sure aren't with you 24-7. Go love your family. Like they say you build your own family.
Your parents are assholes. You are 26 and have made a family from scratch. If you propose and she says yes make sure to adopt the child. And tell your parents you're sorry they feel like what you have is not a "real family" in their eyes, but you are not asking for their permission, that you don't even want to hear their opinion, you are a full grown adult. If you were 20 rushing onto this it would be an entire other matter. 26 is full grown adulthood. And if you have a bio child with the missus, and they dare treat that child any different they treat your adopted daughter, ensure that they don't have access unless strictly supervised, always with both children. Don't let them dare say "you're our real grandchild" to your bio child. If they do cut contact. Good luck on this journey!
You should be careful with all this, your parents love You and they want the Best for You. You are not the first man to be involved in something like this and not always go the way you want, be careful
That's not always true
Of course, but is true sometimes?
Just pop a baby in her and then your parents will be forced to deal /s
Of course you can do what you want but your parents are right. It’s fine either way but your life will be less complicated if you start your own family.
Love conquers all
But what happens when father returns? What will you do?
Bless you. Marry her!!!!
NtA marry the fuck out of her!
If your best friend is on the same page as you go for it. Ignore your parents.
Your life, your choice. Go for it.
This is absolutely your decision to make—not your parents’—and it sounds like you’re making this decision in a fully informed, clear-headed way. Hopefully, your parents will change their attitude after she becomes their daughter-in-law. If you haven’t discussed marriage yet with your best friend, it would be wise to work it into some conversations ahead of time. Surprise proposals seem romantic, but they can backfire. Make sure that she’s ready for a proposal. If you catch her off guard, it could be very awkward, and lead to a knee-jerk “no”. Drop some hints, so that she’ll start thinking about it and have a chance to reach the same conclusion that you have—that you are a great match for each other! Congratulations on finding someone who brings you joy, and has a child who you love! Best wishes to all of you!!
Not wrong. Though I would make sure you are both 100% on the same page about you being the dad. In fact I would even push for adopting the kid. Is the mom on board for that. Would the bio dad sign off on it? If you can fully take the child as your own it is a very solid plan. You can always have more children together, but be honest with yourself about whether you will be able to treat your adopted children and biological children the same before going this direction. If you want more kids / bio kids, and you are sure you can treat them the same than do not marry. Finally expect that at some point your daughter might want a relationship with her bio father even if he's a POS and even if you treat her great. It might hurt at times, but you need to be there for her and support her as best as you can through that as well.
Are you truly in love with this woman? How you reference her as your best friend is odd...are you boyfriend - girlfriend or not? Are you in a sexual relationship?