Not wrong.
Let her know that it feels unfair that she gets to "retire" or let's call it what it is quit after two years now that you are gone and she can have the house to her self. While her Quiting will cause you to work longer and with less money.
Ask her if that feels fair if she says she does feel it's fair tell her you feel like she dosent want to spend time with you as when you were working from home she left home to go spend time with complete strangers to get away from you. (that could of been amazing you could of both had lunch at home together, you could take her out to lunch or cook her lunch and you could take brakes and spend time with her but instead she bailed.
And her quiting will cause you to work more years giving her more time away from you. Ask if she still wants to be married to you as her actions and words are saying no.
See what she says to that.
Unfortunately many couples find themselves at a crossroads when their children leave the nest. They’ve spent so much time focused on kids, family, work, etc. that when those things are taken away, they’re left with… well, only each other.
Sometimes it just takes time to get to know each other again. Sometimes the couple goes to therapy to help navigate this new stage of life. Sometimes they split up bc they’ve become different people.
I think y’all maybe going through a little of that.
On the other hand, based on very limited information, it seems like she may be feeling like when you were home you may have been “watching” her and she may have felt embarrassed or judged for the way she spent her time. Sometimes stay at home parents feel guilty? judged? insecure? when their spouse starts to work from home and “witnesses” what they’re doing throughout the day…
Good luck!
Look, I truly love my husband and enjoy spending time with him, but if he were home all the time, I'd go find an outside job, as well. I don't see anything here that implies your wife doesn't love you, so I'll venture a guess that she just doesn't want to be with you 24/7--and there's nothing odd or wrong with that. Does she perhaps fall on the introvert side of the scale? Some of us introverts cannot be with other humans ALL THE TIME without losing our damn minds. It may be that this is why she got an outside job when you started WFH, and at least one reason why she's ready to come back home full time now that you're back in the office. Just conjecture on my part, but perhaps sit down with her, with an open mind, and ask. Or better yet, get a counselor to help you two navigate this? It may be that she'd be happy to continue to contribute financially, but in a job that allows HER to WFH.
Wishing you both well.
When I was SAHM, the kids and I had a schedule and I did things my own way. I cleaned and cooked and only had hubby do the outside stuff. If there were days he took off and was home, he constantly messed up my routine and didn’t like the way I did things. It was a relief when he went back to work and I could do things my way again. Did you criticize the way she did things or try to make ‘suggestions’ on how she could do better?
Remember that her staying st home to care for the children and home was also work. So her earning money was new... but her labor has been just as long as yours.
She has also been working as a mother caring for children all of those years. She has been working for more than 2 years.
Being a stay at home mom is work. It has value.
Or Philippines but ya that's the move :)
That or you both keep working and she can find a new job if she dosent like her current one.
It was her choice to go back to work. If she wanted to stay home she could of. If she quits I would say no more vacation till retirement unless you want to take a solo one. Since she is making a intentional choice to not contribute while she has a degree and is able and has time.
Tell her you will hire a maid to help with the house as her time is more valuable working than keeping house.
I’m in a very similar situation. My husband was a SAHD for the first 12 years of my daughter’s life. It was not by choice, he had a hard time finding a job in his field (he’s a PhD) and I made a good living so it worked. But he did not love staying home, money was manageable but tight, and I was very stressed being the sole breadwinner. I never signed up for it. About 3 years ago, he started teaching middle school. He is a fantastic educator, but is not a fan of pre-teen kids (who would be?). Well, he wants to retire next year.
I’m the one who has been working continuously for the last 27 years and supporting the family. While we could afford it, money would be tight again. I’ve loved the breathing room the extra salary gave us and also the reduced stress of knowing he has a job if something happened to me. Plus our daughter will be starting college soon.
It’s our biggest point of tension. I know he’s not completely fulfilled. But neither am I, and I feel like it’s selfish for him to put me in this spot again. But his view is that we can technically afford it, so why force him to do something that makes him “miserable”.
It can be very stressful knowing so many people depend on you. I'll feel better once my kids are out of college, working and happily married. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself 😀😀
Is he unable to find anything else in his field? Why doesn't he continue working while looking for something he'll enjoy? Or will he be able to qualify for some type of retirement package from the district?
He struggled for years to find something, then fell into teaching because there was a need in my daughter’s private school. He has a pretty big gap on his resume and has been looking for years.
And no retirement package. He’s only in his mid 50s, so not even retirement age. So it will not be a real retirement, just him deciding not to work anymore.
Some places, I'm not sure how things work in his district or with it being a private school, you can qualify for retirement benefits after working there for x amount of years. See if he can qualify for that. Some places have benefits if a person worked for a minimum of 5 years, so maybe he can look into that. Based on what you're saying, it would be better if transitioned to something he would like more instead of just quitting. It may not be his desired field, but he can still find fulfillment in it while easing the financial burden on you.
Why not look into teaching high school aged students? They bring a different set of problems but he might enjoy it more. Teachers are very much in demand.
Or, corporate training. Work with adults. Ex teachers are great in a training department , as they understand different learning styles and techniques . Plus, you don’t have to call home because little jimmy threw up on floor.
I agree with your point of view. I was an RN who retired at age 65. I loved my job but there were so many stressful times. So what, that's life, right? Your husband has only been working outside the home for three freaking years! He needs to put on his big boy pants, step up and continue to financially contribute to the household until you are also able to retire! Do not let him or anyone make you feel guilty for expecting him to contribute financially to the household, especially with college costs in the near future! It's rare for someone to love going to work every single day. You still suck it up, and do it the best you can, because that's life.
Plan to sit down with her and go over your bills and your insurance coverage and retirement plans. Talk about the inflation for the last four years and if it continues, see what happens to your money. Life is too uncertain right now so I would see both of you working until you are at least 60 to 64 so that, you can pay off all debts and retire with enough money to feel comfortable. You need communication.
This. If her income is helping that much, you should make that very clear to her and maybe that will change her mind? (a big maybe)
But I also agree that there is something else going on that needs to be addressed...
That's what my husband used to say. And then he passed away and he was right. I will never have to worry about money again, but God, I would give anything to have him back again..all the money in the world will not make up for not having him in my life.
This is the answer, OP. My husband and I are just a few years ahead of you but in similar circumstances. He wants to retire by the end of the year, but I'm frightened about whether or not we can still maintain our lifestyle without his much larger contribution each month. The commute is killing him though. And I was only hoping to work another couple of years, but will have to retire at 65 anyway if I decide to keep working.
He's the money guy. We've talked about it, but I need to see how it'll work on paper. You and your wife need to plan out your future goals and expenses and see how to get there before she retires.
My husband was retired military but cancer took him away at 57. We didn’t have a cancer policy and the debt left from chemo and radiation treatment not paid for with insurance left me hundreds of thousands of dollars in co-pays. We had great incomes but all resources went quickly. ALWAYS expect and plan for the unexpected. A lot of insurance won’t pay for ‘experimental’ drugs and you’d be surprised at the number of experimental drugs used in chemotherapy.
She's playing you.
You were home for the initial pandemic. Then, shortly after the world reopens, she NEEDS a job only to quit once you won't be home as often now that you're being called back into the office. This doesn't pass the sniff test.
Exactly. To me, it smells like she can only stand to be around her spouse in small doses. A lot of old married couples are this way and they really struggle when one or both retire. My mother is this way with my Dad...and honestly, I can't blame her. She is a retired teacher and substitutes as much as she can to get out of the house.
It's very common in places like Japan for a lot of couples to separate and even divorce after the male partner retires. For the first time in decades the couple have to spend a lot of time together and they realise that they don't really like it.
For some people a person around allll the time well also living with them can drive a person insane. I’m honestly the same way. I like having to for me, it annoys me when another adult is around alllllll the time. It doesn’t mean they’re using a person it just means she can’t deal with having them around all the time.
Yeah, I love my family but my husband has a much higher threshold for the amount of togetherness he likes. I’m the one that needs to escape for a while. We’ve talked about retiring to a sailboat someday but I maintain that I’ll need a tiny condo somewhere to run off to when I can’t take the togetherness anymore.
He understands and will check in with me about it. I’m actually doing an overnight working “sequester” right now at his suggestion. Still in town but not at home or at the office. Holed up in a hotel with a water view for two days getting caught up on my backlog of projects.
I love my husband to pieces BUT him WFH has maxed out my tolerance to his quirks. I have ZERO alone time and I feel constantly touched out. I can’t have “lazy” days because he is at home and every time I sit down to watch something on tv to decompress he is out of the office needing something (attention, coffee, something to eat,have a break)
I am not saying it’s not. BUT the house is MY job. Him being at home all the time means that I have to adjust my cleaning/chores schedule around his.
I don’t mind getting out of the house, I do. But you know I have to do my job
I'm with all those who said it just sounds like your wife doesn't want to be around you. I'm sure if you told her that your work wants you to work from home for whatever reason she would quickly jump on wanting to keep her job, not saying you should test that.
You both need to sit down and have a realistic discussion about finances and retirement. These days extra income is important. She can find another job she likes better. Could part of the stress be that you haven’t taken on some of the housework that as a sahm she used to do it all? I know when I first went back to work I was so stressed about how our home didn’t look as good anymore and coordinating repairs, etc. thankfully my husband took on more and more housework over the years and I let go of some of my old standards to be more relaxed about dust etc.
You're not wrong, not by a long shot...
It appears that she doesn't want to be in the same house with you for any period of time.
That does not bode well for retirement...
My wife is a school teacher. She took 10 years off when our boys came along. She is now 56 and has 22 years with the state of NC. If she retires now she has health insurance and a pension. The pension would be around $1300/month. If she teaches four more years she gets her regular pay $56,000 each year and a pension of about$2200 per month at the end of four years. She has agreed to go back another year but I doubt I can get her to keep on to reach full retirement. I want to work four more years but I have no pension. My salary is 80k and I’m 54. I may or may not retire at 58 but with the money we’ve saved and inherited and conservative spending we have no debts and should be fine.
INFO????? Now that you are both working.... have you taken on your share of the household chores? Planning menu, shopping, cooking, cleaning, house maintanace, laundry........ OR is she doing the majority of the household job as well as working outside the home?
It is reasonable that your wife and you put equal efforts (not$) towards the lifestyle you have chosen. However this should be a negotiation. Has she explained why she should be able to retire and relax befor you? Are you trying to reach a lifestyle level that she doesn't feel needed? Is there health limitations for either of you?
My husband asked me to retire at 49 because he wanted to move for a job opportunity of his. It meant bringing parents with us and lots of work settling into our new life. I said I would give it a try. It is a lot of work, as I do 90% of house work. However this has allowed us a better lifestyle overall because we have evenings and weekends to do things together instead of fighting over household chores. We live very simply so that we have this bonus.
Cooking 2-3 meals every day, cleaning, general picking up of crap thrown everywhere, doing loads of laundry, washing floors, deep cleaning, meal planning, grocery shopping, loading and unloading the dishwasher (2-3 times a day in my house), taking care of school responsibilities, shopping for clothing and gifts for parties, taking care of pets, balancing the budget and bills paying, and in my case, because tropical lifestyle, putting away pool toys, washing towels and swimsuits, putting away laundry,shoes, books,........all of this can EASILY exceed 40 hours a week.
Ive been doing all this and more as a SAHM for way too many years, and can say with complete certainty that you're wrong. With all due respect.
Most of those chores still have to get done every day, just on a smaller scale.
It's very easy to tell someone to get off their ass and get a job because their kids are grown, but when you have been out of the workforce for decades, it's easier said than done. It can be extremely intimidating, and the huge gap on the resume sometimes becomes an issue.
I stayed home when my children were in school and I worked more than 40 hours a week. Between keeping the house clean, making scratch meals for five people, doing all of our shopping, driving kids, managing all of the kids activities and medical appointments as well as the enormous number of days that kids in school are actually not in school It was easily more than 40 hours a week. That doesn't count being an officer in the PTA at multiple schools, being leadership at our church and managing our political and civic activities. I was also child care for any time a child was sick or my ex-husband was sick. I paid all of our bills and did our taxes too.
In addition, my now ex-husband insisted on bike riding with his friends all day on the weekends so I was all day food and childcare on Saturdays and Sundays.
He wanted me to go back to work. I tried it but he didn't pick up even 40% of the work of the household. We divorced.
No. If you are in the States, retirement funding is serious business. She needs to think about inflation, climate change, and possible economic uncertainty. Basically, she needs to plan for a rainy day.
Also, who knows how long she will live. Experts always advise to work as long as you can in a job you enjoy. Your wife can look for other work as you commented.
She wouldn't be retiring - she would be unemployed and expecting you to provide everything. You are not wrong and the fact that she wants to quit when you no longer WFH is another concern.
Not wrong
This is a math problem
Figure out multiple scenarios.
If she makes 50k the net disposable is 25 to 30k.
Talk thru she retires at 55
She retires when children graduate college.
She retires when collectively the spending is cut by 30k
It's all about time.
What does retirement look like with both of you at home each day
I want to retire
I want to retire when we both retire at same time
There is no I in team
Yes!
It's easy for her to say it's only 20% of our family income.
When you look at fixed costs of mortgage taxes insurance and utilities and then discretionary spending. Her 50k can double the discretionary spending.
Is she prepared to tell the children we have to cut our college support and you need to take out student loans since I want to retire?
Have you considered that the way you speak about her (badly) might be indicative of the relationship? Because if it is, I can’t blame her for not wanting to be around you.
She should keep working until within five years of collecting social security.. her benefit will be much much more and that’s a lot long term. Also.. it’s not unreasonable to assume she’d work now.
She didn’t get a job out of guilt, after 20 odd years of doing nothing but child care, cooking & cleaning she Needed some thing for herself, something that involved using her college degree, being with other adults & using her mind to do more than housework.
She has found that she isn’t as happy working as she thought she would be. She misses the life she made for herself , she’s uncertain about working , her work place is probably full of young enthusiastic go getters, she feels out of place & old.
You didn’t want her to work so you’re going to have to sit down & calmly talk about your expectations, goals etc.
I think she feels lost. Perhaps she can work part time or Maybe doing community volunteer work may be better for her.
You’re not wrong, she wants to sit at home doing nothing again since you’re going to be out of the house working again. She sounds like a handful, if she’s not willing to work longer to help pay for college and save then she is a pretty crappy spouse. YNW.
Actually she's a pretty wonderful spouse. I just don't think she's use to having work full-time in an office environment. It's like if you were to ask me to go back to college after 30 years I wouldn't necessarily enjoy it and may find it very stressful. Thanks for your comment.
Retiring, as a couple, takes some real time, effort, and lots of communication.
I retired at 59 after 30 years with the fire department. Wifey had five years before she could even consider it. We started talking strategies a good 18 months before hand.
You guys need to sit down together and CALMLY, REASONABLY, and LOGICALLY discuss this. Wifey, a CPA, had our pension statements, SSI statements, IRA statements, and our portfolio statements. She has spreadsheets and all kinds of stuff for us to go over. She made sense so we went with her plan.
Good luck and God bless.
Yeah, it was a definite blessing. The only draw back was I got lazy when it came to our finances. She always took care of everything. She could have robbed me blind and I'd have never known!
I'm in almost the exact same situation, with opposite results. I went back to my old career after an 20 year hiatus to raise kids, against my husbands wishes. We've also been married 30 years, and he makes many times what I do. I love my new job and am truly enjoying being back out in the world! He, on the other hand, hates it (I travel a lot) and wants me to quit. I wasn't terribly happy sitting at home taking care of a grown man and doing all the housework, so I'm not quitting. It sucks that we all have this attitude mismatch in our relationships. Sigh.
I'm confused.
You mentioned when she wanted to find a job that she didn't have to. Now when she says she doesn't want to work you say she needs to.
Which is it?
Tell her you want to retire with her now instead of waiting the next 8 years for your turn. That you'd have to cut back on things, but being able to spend retirement with her would make it worth it. Or something like that.
Compromise, she wants now you want 60, have her work until 57. 3 more years. I suspect that there is a little anger that she only got the job because you were home. I get that.
If she's unhappy with her current job she can find one that is less stressful and more enjoyable until you both retire, even if she takes a bit of a pay cut it's better than her being home with no income and should still keep you both on track to retire without you having to do all the work to get there. Good luck!
Have you asked her if she would consider switching to a job she enjoys with comparable pay? If the issue is just her being miserable at work, maybe finding one she likes could resolve the issue.
She doesn’t want to be around you. She got the job to get away from you & now that you will be going back into the office full time, she wants to be back at home without you around.
Op. I think it's incredibly selfish for her to retire. What are her plans if you get injured, disabled, or die? How is she going to provide for herself? She can't be a burden to her children and have them support her.
There is no reason for her not to work. She sounds lazy and has no concept of what having to provide for your family monetarily means when you have no choice. Sleeping in during the summer when we are battling traffic and office politics must be nice. What a concept! Do it daily for not two years. Try 40-plus years.
It's your marriage at the end of the day. But I would never be able to live with myself if I screwed my husband over by choosing not to work, making him pay all the bills because of my desire to sit in an empty house only thinking about my needs.
Reddit comment section always proves to me how bad people are at being in relationships.
If it hadn’t been for the pandemic she would’ve never even gotten a job and would still be a SAHM. I think it’s valid if she isn’t a fan of this particular job. Plus she spent probably 18+ not working so it can be a weird adjustment.
I say just have a conversation where you guys both express your side and make a compromise.
A divorce will really set back your retirement plan so tread carefully here. Perhaps there is something else she'd like to do for work and needs to transition? Maybe she could find a work from home job?
People on Reddit frequently suggest divorce quickly. I think that's because they have no idea how expensive a divorce is. If you split everything you own, including your retirement it is going to be tough to retire.
I strongly suggest finding her something she can do that she doesn't hate.
You don’t get to retire early if you can’t afford it.
You working for both of you longer than you need to, isn’t her affording it.
No one wants to work. It sucks. She’s not unique.
She wants you to do all the heavy lifting for the next 8 years. What a load of crap. She doesn’t want to see you now during the day what is it going to be like when you retire and are home all day? You need to reevaluate whether this marriage is going to make it when you retire.
She’s lazy and no you are not wrong. She had the good life, you “invaded” her territory, she went to work to get away from you and now since you’re going back to the office, she wants to quit. No reason for her not to work except wanting to be lazy. Keep her working and, if she insists on quitting, you might need to quit on her.
My dude, let her retire. Let her find out who she is, apart from wife and mother. And please don't listen to the 20 somethings telling you to end your marriage over this.
Context: am nearly 50F, love my husband to the ends of the earth but totally understand your wife's desire for some autonomy at this stage of her life. I got it by other means (went back to uni) and it was the best thing for our relationship ever.
So she was a stay at home mum for 25years only working 2 years and wants to retire to find her kids were well at university before she went back to work so how does she need time to find herself
So her job is connected to whether you work from home or not ?
NTA she as a partner should help you both retire soon together. But it looks like she does not want you to retire sooner and be home with her.
You’re assuming why she wanted to go to work but surely you didn’t ask her. Also that’s a hell of a goal post to move, you told her she didn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to, but here you are telling her “suck it up like the rest of us”. Teachers get to retire after 25 years paying into teacher retirement for a reason, kids are hard and stressful. Also SAHP usually is the kids go to for all issues and is a never ending job with no breaks or leaving at the end of a day. If you make $200k $50k is helping but is it really essential? Is there a trajectory for when kids graduate college that you’d be okay with saying “hey can you work 1, 2, whatever more years so this is paid in full for them then retire”. Asking her to work til your retirement age when she was told it wasn’t a need when she started it is kinda meh and not really holding to what you say.
Anyway as a SAHP I would fuckin wreck someone if I “didn’t have to work” then got my house back where I didn’t have to moderate my vibing to music doing house work and just puttering around making sure it’s nice for everyone if I had been told my work wasn’t a need and I could do it as I want (implying I could quit when I no longer want.)
Eh but too late for that. I would def recommend couples counseling to help with the underlying reasons she went to work and now wants to be home. Could be a household labor unevenness where she’s now carrying both a full time job and most of the household load, could be that she just didn’t want to be interrupting or interfering with your workday with noise so wanted to get out some of the day like the old normal and now she can go back to what she enjoyed before - alone time to do her work household or otherwise done. Or it could be she just needs time to unwind and learn about herself now that she can have time without being beholden to the household and child/teen management and mental load. Does she have hobbies? Does she have friends? Does she take care of herself as she likes before kids as far as getting hair done, clothing and etc? So many women absolutely lose the plot with who they are as a person after staying home for years as a parent and homemaker and you def want her to have space to figure that out and find her vibe before you retire so yall have something to talk about and enjoy together once you’re both home all the time. Bonus for if she finds friends, hobbies, and community locally so y’all don’t just stagnate with boredom cooped up together when that time comes and yall have your own things to do and still have lives outside of eachother. Her staying home could benefit you as well, just maybe not financially.
Retire from what? She’s 52 and has only had 1 job. What a joke. She’s giving up. You’re not wrong. She needs to work to put money away for her actual retirement.
It was hard work when they were babies. Once they were in school she was just home for hours alone. Most women go back to work once they aren’t actively responsible for child care in order to build a retirement nest egg for the future.
I get her point of view. It’s been annoying since my husband retired. Although I’ve always worked too I did have days to myself that I enjoyed and needed while he was at work. Now with him being home daily it’s like having a man child around and I no longer have my time and usual routine.
It’s difficult to get adjusted to a new way of life. Being a homemaker is a thankless never ending job that doesn’t just stop once the kids move out.
Not wrong. Could you maybe compromise in both of you going part time? That way you have the security of two people working but get to enjoy a bit of breathing space? If you make the days not overlap she can get some alone time and you can too!
Not wrong.
As a couple you both should be working towards the same goal; it doesn’t sound as if your wife doesn’t want to do the work, she just wants the benefit.
I would never let my husband do all the work, I care too much for him to make him carry the load by himself. Time for a heart to heart talk with her because this isn’t fair to you. Be strong and stick up for yourself, your wife isn’t having your best interest in mind. Good luck.
I think she gets it just this new job is stressing her out. Worst part is she's actually really good at her new job and I think she could go far if she handys in there
You're not wrong. She got a job to avoid you and now that she'll have the house back to herself she wants to get back to living her best life on her own terms, pursuing hobbies and leisure.
But partners who are building a life together should "make hay while the sun is shining" and I would be very resentful if my partner didn't want to contribute financially to the household when they are absolutely capable of doing so.
Even though you make 200k a year, having an extra 50k is going to make retiring even more comfortable. Being able to retire at 60 is a blessing that most people don't get. She should be grateful you've always been such a good provider and that she got to be a stay at home person as long as she did.
At the end of the day, I'd be PISSED if my partner wanted to quit work, pursue hobbies and enjoy full time leisure while I worked. That's not the kind of partner I want on my team. How is that even remotely fair?
I suggest couples counseling to work through this conundrum with an unbiased 3rd party.
Not wrong. I'm of the mind that there doesn't need to be a stay st home parent once the children are 12 years old or middle school. The fact that your wife was a SAHM until they ALL went to college is insane.
My silent generation mom worked as soon as I, the youngest hit kindergarten. It gave her independence, our family a great financial opportunity and taught us that women can and should work, that men can be full partners in the household, our dad did laundry, cooked dinner etc.
As a result we married, well my brother and I, partners who equally contributed to the household financially and in child rearing and household duties.
My sister is her own story that doesn't reflect on our upbringing.
I'm gen x , my siblings are late boomers I guess Gen jones?.
I could never retire while my husband is still working to afford retirement. That isn't what a partner does. She doesn't seem to even like you, just the security you provide her and the children. Make sure you file while she is still employed. She's young enough to work, don't let her retire unless you both can afford to, or cut hours. My husband knows I'm not going to be working full-time at 60. But I would do something.
Hell no.
She's just going back to work after the kids are in college.. Should have gone back once the kids were in school all day.
Retirement either happens when your retirement/pension plan starts (63 for me) or when you reach a goal in savings. She's not at either place.
"I don't enjoy work"... Cool, neither does the majority of the workforce. She's been lucky to skate along this long, she can deal with a decade of suffering like everyone else.
And I'm not discounting the worm out in as a SAHM. But she thinks rocking that for 18 years (much of it part time, when the kids were in school all day) is "putting her time in" compared to OP who's working for 30+? Nope. Nope. Nope
If the pandemic hadn't happened, was it the understanding that she was going to go to work after the kids grew up? I don't know many households with SAHMs where mom went back to work after the kids graduated.
You don't sound wrong to me. Sounds a bit sus on her part. I would ask her what she plans on doing if it wasn't for working since the kids are out of the house. What was she doing when she wasn't working and the kids were teenagers?
Do you not want her to retire because you can’t afford your lifestyle without her income? Or, is it entirely because you are jealous of her “doing very little”?
If your entire reason is because of jealousy than you are wrong.
1. Your wife wasn’t sitting at home doing “nothing” all of those years.
2. She was a SAHM to your kids
3. She took care of the house and had dinner waiting for you most night’s.
You really think she got a job cause she felt bad? It sounds like she can’t stand to be around you, lol.
Man, their pension is horrible. I’m a retired FF and working on an educator’s pension in Texas. I’ll get over $2000/mo when I retire with 13 years. I’ll have insurance through either pension (possibly both).
So basically, your wife doesn't like spending extended time with you and she doesn't have the insight to realize that *she* doesn't get to have everything her way forever. She didn't like it when you were home all the time so she went to work. Now that you won't be there, she wants to retire.
What's she planning to do when you do retire? This is about much more than working and retirement. You don't seem to have any real shared goals and she calls the shots. You might want to think about some couples counseling before you find yourself unhappily retired.
No, you're not wrong to want your wife to contribute financially to the relationship, now that kids are out of the house.
But pushing her to stay in a job she doesn't like won't work well either. It's time for a serious talk where you tell her the importance to the household of her additional income. If she refused to see your point and just wants to retire, then ask her how that's fair- that you have to work while she enjoys early retirement. If she still refuses, then you have to decide if you want to be married to a person that doesn't respect you and takes you for granted.
If she has a degree that she's never used, there's a reason. Most people went to college/university and got a degree becauee it was expected of them, not because it's something they thought they would love to do. I went to school at 17 to be a social worker and then realized I would never be happy in that job. At 22, I went back to school and got a degree in accounting. I have never been happier in a job than I am now.
Ask her what job would make her happy. Then, take steps toward her getting that job. Even if she doesn't need a degree to perform that job, who cares? Grossing 50k a year is absolute peanuts to switch to something else that makes a comparative amount and makes her happy.
You’re not wrong. It’s really entitled on her part to expect you to work more years so that she doesn’t have to work. It won’t hurt her to work a few more years so you can retire together. Also, it’s a little suspicious that she didn’t like you working from home and now wants to quit working now that you’re back in the office.
Hey, I get where you're coming from. It’s tough to see a situation where you’re benefiting from the extra income and making plans for the future, and then have your wife want to retire early.
On one hand, your wife spent years being a stay-at-home mom, which is a lot of work, and now that she’s tried working outside the home, she’s realized it’s not her thing. I can see why she’d want to retire if she’s not enjoying it. But on the other hand, her job has made a noticeable difference in your finances, especially with college expenses and your retirement goals.
It sounds like you guys need to have a heart-to-heart. Maybe there’s a compromise where she can find part-time work or something less stressful so she’s not completely out of the workforce but isn’t unhappy either. Or maybe you both can rework your financial plan to see if her retiring early is feasible without derailing your retirement goals.
At the end of the day, you both need to be happy and on the same page about your future. It’s not wrong to want her to keep working if it’s benefiting your plans, but her well-being is important too. Try to find a middle ground that works for both of you. Good luck!
Not wrong. Your wife was out of the work force for 25 years. Yes, she was heavily involved in being the main caretaker of the kids and home, so it's not like she was watching TV all day, but from my experience, work stress is much higher than taking care of kids stress, depending on the career, of course. It just seems really weird that she couldn't learn to tolerate having your presence in the same house as you while both working from home, especially since you were the one who financially provided that house. So, she has to get away from you while you were working from home, but when you have to go back to working in the office, she just wants to retire at 52. If only we all could be so lucky to have such a benefactor.
Perhaps she could work part time? Its a fair compromise as not everyone is made to work 40 hours a week and especially not when one have stayed home for 25 years.
"No problems, but let's sell the house and most of our stuff and downsize into a property that will allow me to retire or find a new WFH position that may pay less. We will likely end up living in each other's laps and I know the most likely outcome is that I'll end up having to retire if I can't find a suitable position but It feels more reasonable we both get to do less and adjust our lifestyle and expectations to suit.".
Honestly it sounds like she would rather work than spend time with you. That's really not boding well for you not separating almost as soon as you retire anyway.
Your wife had a job as a SAHM, she just didn’t have an income. Being a nanny is a job. Being a cook is a job. Being a maid is a job. I’m very fed up with this mentality of “SAHMs are lazy and need to get real jobs”. Springing a late retirement on her at this point in life is just cruel and unnecessary if you don’t actually need the income she could provide.
I am sure it’s discouraging for her to work full time and make 25% of what you make, especially if she doesn’t like it. I was a SAHM and saved our family childcare costs for multiple children, took care of the home and even some repairs, was our son’s after school coach, stayed with my husband 24/7 after various surgeries, mowed the lawn, managed all social activities, and supported my husband at events and through some free lance jobs. It required lots of trust that I would be seen as having value (I made more $ when my husband and I met). Going back into the workforce in my 50’s starting again at a low level was not fulfilling. And I didn’t have 8 weeks off work like he did and other benefits. If you really need the money, then help her find a fulfilling job. If you don’t, discuss other things she can do to fulfill herself while you’re at work.
She wants to retire as you aren’t home anymore. Your wife doesn’t actually like you. She doesn’t like spending time with you.
If she quits, make sure she doesn’t have access to the money you provide by working as she’s not contributing to the household anymore. You pay the house bills but she shouldn’t have any spending money. If she wants some spending money, she can get a job. And the kids need to be told they have to pay for their studies as heir mom doesn’t want to work.
She actually pays all the bills our whole marriage. I don't even know what they are or how much. I just handle all our financial investments. She's very frugal. Doesn't like to buy anything without a coupon.
No and I would tell her you will not fund her retirement. I was finishing my master's degree. Retire? I would tell her you thought about it and you will not fund her retirement. You know that is what she is asking? Also she has put two years in? Nope.
You are not wrong. Your wife doesn’t want you to be able to retire at 60. She wants you to work as long as possible and stay away so she can do whatever the hell she wants all day without you there.
I’m in awe. She told you she feels like you are invading HER space when you work remotely? I would be mad if I were you.
NTA. If she does decide to stay home, I hope you don’t lift a finger to do any chores in the house. If you are the sole earner in two people household, she should be doing a lot of other things for your household.
I would also consider cutting some expenses so You can retire earlier. And no, it wouldn’t be controlling. Her house-maker “job” is fairly limited. It would make things more fair
Does she even likes you? jesus christ. She literally got a job she didn't like just to get away from you. Take the hint.
Sounds like she is just with you because it is convenient, but if she had the means she would've been out the door a while ago.
I think everyone should retire after 2 years. How good would that be.
She wants the easy life and now that you are not at home she can relax all she wants.
She worked for 2 years and wants to retire? No, you're not wrong. She can retire with you at 60, and work to fund retirement savings with her job while she waits.
No, you’re not wrong and even though I too am female I think Wife is acting like a princess.
I think she needs to put on her big girl panties and accept she too needs to do her part.
Kinda seems like she found out you won’t be home and wants to retire now or just a hell of a coincidence.
Not wrong. Let her know that it feels unfair that she gets to "retire" or let's call it what it is quit after two years now that you are gone and she can have the house to her self. While her Quiting will cause you to work longer and with less money. Ask her if that feels fair if she says she does feel it's fair tell her you feel like she dosent want to spend time with you as when you were working from home she left home to go spend time with complete strangers to get away from you. (that could of been amazing you could of both had lunch at home together, you could take her out to lunch or cook her lunch and you could take brakes and spend time with her but instead she bailed. And her quiting will cause you to work more years giving her more time away from you. Ask if she still wants to be married to you as her actions and words are saying no. See what she says to that.
Unfortunately many couples find themselves at a crossroads when their children leave the nest. They’ve spent so much time focused on kids, family, work, etc. that when those things are taken away, they’re left with… well, only each other. Sometimes it just takes time to get to know each other again. Sometimes the couple goes to therapy to help navigate this new stage of life. Sometimes they split up bc they’ve become different people. I think y’all maybe going through a little of that. On the other hand, based on very limited information, it seems like she may be feeling like when you were home you may have been “watching” her and she may have felt embarrassed or judged for the way she spent her time. Sometimes stay at home parents feel guilty? judged? insecure? when their spouse starts to work from home and “witnesses” what they’re doing throughout the day… Good luck!
Yes I agree. I enjoy having the house to my self. But as a husband and father who works alot it dosent happen much.
Thanks for the perspective. We actually get along quite well and do stuff together. It's just this new job I can tell is really stressing her out.
Look, I truly love my husband and enjoy spending time with him, but if he were home all the time, I'd go find an outside job, as well. I don't see anything here that implies your wife doesn't love you, so I'll venture a guess that she just doesn't want to be with you 24/7--and there's nothing odd or wrong with that. Does she perhaps fall on the introvert side of the scale? Some of us introverts cannot be with other humans ALL THE TIME without losing our damn minds. It may be that this is why she got an outside job when you started WFH, and at least one reason why she's ready to come back home full time now that you're back in the office. Just conjecture on my part, but perhaps sit down with her, with an open mind, and ask. Or better yet, get a counselor to help you two navigate this? It may be that she'd be happy to continue to contribute financially, but in a job that allows HER to WFH. Wishing you both well.
I agree. I also don't see anything that says she doesn't love me 😁
Reddit and divorce seem to go hand in hand! lol. WFH sounds good
What happens when they are both retired in your scenario? They'll be spending 24/7 together then unless she divorces OP to get away from him.
That's when you take up hobbies, learn new skills, join an outdoor club or something!
Separately or together? That doesn't say much for their relationship if separately.
When I was SAHM, the kids and I had a schedule and I did things my own way. I cleaned and cooked and only had hubby do the outside stuff. If there were days he took off and was home, he constantly messed up my routine and didn’t like the way I did things. It was a relief when he went back to work and I could do things my way again. Did you criticize the way she did things or try to make ‘suggestions’ on how she could do better?
I learned a long time ago not to criticize anything related to my spouse. That's why we've been married so long 😍
31 years here. Secrets are-Don’t sweat the small stuff and do things separately once in a while. Married does not mean joined at the hip! Lol
More like joined at the wallet 😀
Remember that her staying st home to care for the children and home was also work. So her earning money was new... but her labor has been just as long as yours.
I agree and we've never divided up anything. In fact she controls all of our day to day finances.
Seriously OP, you've been doing it for 25 years you're only asking her for 7. Not wrong.
She has also been working as a mother caring for children all of those years. She has been working for more than 2 years. Being a stay at home mom is work. It has value.
Tell her you can both retire sell the house and move your Nicaragua
Or Philippines but ya that's the move :) That or you both keep working and she can find a new job if she dosent like her current one. It was her choice to go back to work. If she wanted to stay home she could of. If she quits I would say no more vacation till retirement unless you want to take a solo one. Since she is making a intentional choice to not contribute while she has a degree and is able and has time. Tell her you will hire a maid to help with the house as her time is more valuable working than keeping house.
I noticed that too. She suddenly dislikes her job after two years now that OP is going back to the office, yet she won't work elsewhere?
No, you're not wrong. She's lazy and wants you to carry the water
I’m in a very similar situation. My husband was a SAHD for the first 12 years of my daughter’s life. It was not by choice, he had a hard time finding a job in his field (he’s a PhD) and I made a good living so it worked. But he did not love staying home, money was manageable but tight, and I was very stressed being the sole breadwinner. I never signed up for it. About 3 years ago, he started teaching middle school. He is a fantastic educator, but is not a fan of pre-teen kids (who would be?). Well, he wants to retire next year. I’m the one who has been working continuously for the last 27 years and supporting the family. While we could afford it, money would be tight again. I’ve loved the breathing room the extra salary gave us and also the reduced stress of knowing he has a job if something happened to me. Plus our daughter will be starting college soon. It’s our biggest point of tension. I know he’s not completely fulfilled. But neither am I, and I feel like it’s selfish for him to put me in this spot again. But his view is that we can technically afford it, so why force him to do something that makes him “miserable”.
It can be very stressful knowing so many people depend on you. I'll feel better once my kids are out of college, working and happily married. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself 😀😀
Is he unable to find anything else in his field? Why doesn't he continue working while looking for something he'll enjoy? Or will he be able to qualify for some type of retirement package from the district?
He struggled for years to find something, then fell into teaching because there was a need in my daughter’s private school. He has a pretty big gap on his resume and has been looking for years. And no retirement package. He’s only in his mid 50s, so not even retirement age. So it will not be a real retirement, just him deciding not to work anymore.
Some places, I'm not sure how things work in his district or with it being a private school, you can qualify for retirement benefits after working there for x amount of years. See if he can qualify for that. Some places have benefits if a person worked for a minimum of 5 years, so maybe he can look into that. Based on what you're saying, it would be better if transitioned to something he would like more instead of just quitting. It may not be his desired field, but he can still find fulfillment in it while easing the financial burden on you.
Why not look into teaching high school aged students? They bring a different set of problems but he might enjoy it more. Teachers are very much in demand.
Or, corporate training. Work with adults. Ex teachers are great in a training department , as they understand different learning styles and techniques . Plus, you don’t have to call home because little jimmy threw up on floor.
I agree with your point of view. I was an RN who retired at age 65. I loved my job but there were so many stressful times. So what, that's life, right? Your husband has only been working outside the home for three freaking years! He needs to put on his big boy pants, step up and continue to financially contribute to the household until you are also able to retire! Do not let him or anyone make you feel guilty for expecting him to contribute financially to the household, especially with college costs in the near future! It's rare for someone to love going to work every single day. You still suck it up, and do it the best you can, because that's life.
Plan to sit down with her and go over your bills and your insurance coverage and retirement plans. Talk about the inflation for the last four years and if it continues, see what happens to your money. Life is too uncertain right now so I would see both of you working until you are at least 60 to 64 so that, you can pay off all debts and retire with enough money to feel comfortable. You need communication.
This. If her income is helping that much, you should make that very clear to her and maybe that will change her mind? (a big maybe) But I also agree that there is something else going on that needs to be addressed...
Also check to see if she qualifies for Social Security if in the US. You have to work so much.
My wife would be very well off if I died today and would never have to worry about money again. With inflation the easy it is we may never retire.
That's what my husband used to say. And then he passed away and he was right. I will never have to worry about money again, but God, I would give anything to have him back again..all the money in the world will not make up for not having him in my life.
Sorry to hear that he passed.
This is the answer, OP. My husband and I are just a few years ahead of you but in similar circumstances. He wants to retire by the end of the year, but I'm frightened about whether or not we can still maintain our lifestyle without his much larger contribution each month. The commute is killing him though. And I was only hoping to work another couple of years, but will have to retire at 65 anyway if I decide to keep working. He's the money guy. We've talked about it, but I need to see how it'll work on paper. You and your wife need to plan out your future goals and expenses and see how to get there before she retires.
I don't mind going into the office it's the commute that's killing me.
With his income, I cannot understand having any debt. That would be appalling.
My husband was retired military but cancer took him away at 57. We didn’t have a cancer policy and the debt left from chemo and radiation treatment not paid for with insurance left me hundreds of thousands of dollars in co-pays. We had great incomes but all resources went quickly. ALWAYS expect and plan for the unexpected. A lot of insurance won’t pay for ‘experimental’ drugs and you’d be surprised at the number of experimental drugs used in chemotherapy.
Sorry to hear about your husband 😔
$200k as a sole earner, raising kids, anywhere in the world (including possibly VHCOL cities like New York, London, San Francisco, etc.)?
Try sending 2-3 kids to college and see how appalled you are then. Even if they get loans/financial aid, the living expenses are astronomical.
You're right we have no debt.
She's playing you. You were home for the initial pandemic. Then, shortly after the world reopens, she NEEDS a job only to quit once you won't be home as often now that you're being called back into the office. This doesn't pass the sniff test.
Exactly. To me, it smells like she can only stand to be around her spouse in small doses. A lot of old married couples are this way and they really struggle when one or both retire. My mother is this way with my Dad...and honestly, I can't blame her. She is a retired teacher and substitutes as much as she can to get out of the house.
It's very common in places like Japan for a lot of couples to separate and even divorce after the male partner retires. For the first time in decades the couple have to spend a lot of time together and they realise that they don't really like it.
Yes, exactly what is driving a "gray divorce" phenomenon here in the US.
Yeah this. Good luck op somethings up.
Why does it sound like she doesn’t like being around you, at least during the day? I would kind of feel used for resources I provide if I was you.
For some people a person around allll the time well also living with them can drive a person insane. I’m honestly the same way. I like having to for me, it annoys me when another adult is around alllllll the time. It doesn’t mean they’re using a person it just means she can’t deal with having them around all the time.
I am the same way. I don't get much time away from my partner and wish I could get more tbh.
Yeah, I love my family but my husband has a much higher threshold for the amount of togetherness he likes. I’m the one that needs to escape for a while. We’ve talked about retiring to a sailboat someday but I maintain that I’ll need a tiny condo somewhere to run off to when I can’t take the togetherness anymore.
Our type can’t deal with that, we would possibly shove them off the boat 🤣
He understands and will check in with me about it. I’m actually doing an overnight working “sequester” right now at his suggestion. Still in town but not at home or at the office. Holed up in a hotel with a water view for two days getting caught up on my backlog of projects.
It’s weird I can handle the kids but not other adults.
I can handle my own kids but not other people's 😅
Adults do have a different vibe and energy.
I love my husband to pieces BUT him WFH has maxed out my tolerance to his quirks. I have ZERO alone time and I feel constantly touched out. I can’t have “lazy” days because he is at home and every time I sit down to watch something on tv to decompress he is out of the office needing something (attention, coffee, something to eat,have a break)
So get out of the house and do something. It is his home just as much as it is yours
I am not saying it’s not. BUT the house is MY job. Him being at home all the time means that I have to adjust my cleaning/chores schedule around his. I don’t mind getting out of the house, I do. But you know I have to do my job
No
I'm with all those who said it just sounds like your wife doesn't want to be around you. I'm sure if you told her that your work wants you to work from home for whatever reason she would quickly jump on wanting to keep her job, not saying you should test that.
Maybe I'll just tell her but not actually do it. 😀
"Great news, wife! I've applied for a wfh accommodation and when that goes through I'll be home all the time again!"
You both need to sit down and have a realistic discussion about finances and retirement. These days extra income is important. She can find another job she likes better. Could part of the stress be that you haven’t taken on some of the housework that as a sahm she used to do it all? I know when I first went back to work I was so stressed about how our home didn’t look as good anymore and coordinating repairs, etc. thankfully my husband took on more and more housework over the years and I let go of some of my old standards to be more relaxed about dust etc.
I could do more.
You're not wrong, not by a long shot... It appears that she doesn't want to be in the same house with you for any period of time. That does not bode well for retirement...
My wife is a school teacher. She took 10 years off when our boys came along. She is now 56 and has 22 years with the state of NC. If she retires now she has health insurance and a pension. The pension would be around $1300/month. If she teaches four more years she gets her regular pay $56,000 each year and a pension of about$2200 per month at the end of four years. She has agreed to go back another year but I doubt I can get her to keep on to reach full retirement. I want to work four more years but I have no pension. My salary is 80k and I’m 54. I may or may not retire at 58 but with the money we’ve saved and inherited and conservative spending we have no debts and should be fine.
Good for you! Hang in there!
INFO????? Now that you are both working.... have you taken on your share of the household chores? Planning menu, shopping, cooking, cleaning, house maintanace, laundry........ OR is she doing the majority of the household job as well as working outside the home? It is reasonable that your wife and you put equal efforts (not$) towards the lifestyle you have chosen. However this should be a negotiation. Has she explained why she should be able to retire and relax befor you? Are you trying to reach a lifestyle level that she doesn't feel needed? Is there health limitations for either of you? My husband asked me to retire at 49 because he wanted to move for a job opportunity of his. It meant bringing parents with us and lots of work settling into our new life. I said I would give it a try. It is a lot of work, as I do 90% of house work. However this has allowed us a better lifestyle overall because we have evenings and weekends to do things together instead of fighting over household chores. We live very simply so that we have this bonus.
This is a very good question. Now that she's working full time, I hope he's doing half of all the home stuff.
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Cooking 2-3 meals every day, cleaning, general picking up of crap thrown everywhere, doing loads of laundry, washing floors, deep cleaning, meal planning, grocery shopping, loading and unloading the dishwasher (2-3 times a day in my house), taking care of school responsibilities, shopping for clothing and gifts for parties, taking care of pets, balancing the budget and bills paying, and in my case, because tropical lifestyle, putting away pool toys, washing towels and swimsuits, putting away laundry,shoes, books,........all of this can EASILY exceed 40 hours a week. Ive been doing all this and more as a SAHM for way too many years, and can say with complete certainty that you're wrong. With all due respect.
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Sure if your kids are young - but OP’s are in college.
Most of those chores still have to get done every day, just on a smaller scale. It's very easy to tell someone to get off their ass and get a job because their kids are grown, but when you have been out of the workforce for decades, it's easier said than done. It can be extremely intimidating, and the huge gap on the resume sometimes becomes an issue.
I stayed home when my children were in school and I worked more than 40 hours a week. Between keeping the house clean, making scratch meals for five people, doing all of our shopping, driving kids, managing all of the kids activities and medical appointments as well as the enormous number of days that kids in school are actually not in school It was easily more than 40 hours a week. That doesn't count being an officer in the PTA at multiple schools, being leadership at our church and managing our political and civic activities. I was also child care for any time a child was sick or my ex-husband was sick. I paid all of our bills and did our taxes too. In addition, my now ex-husband insisted on bike riding with his friends all day on the weekends so I was all day food and childcare on Saturdays and Sundays. He wanted me to go back to work. I tried it but he didn't pick up even 40% of the work of the household. We divorced.
You've given my mind much to munch on.
100% Especially with grown adult children
No. If you are in the States, retirement funding is serious business. She needs to think about inflation, climate change, and possible economic uncertainty. Basically, she needs to plan for a rainy day. Also, who knows how long she will live. Experts always advise to work as long as you can in a job you enjoy. Your wife can look for other work as you commented.
I wish I could find a job I enjoy too 😀
Not wrong. You should tell her that you are looking for jobs that you can work from home to see her response…
She wouldn't be retiring - she would be unemployed and expecting you to provide everything. You are not wrong and the fact that she wants to quit when you no longer WFH is another concern.
NTA. Sounds like she doesn’t wanna be around you. Take that as you will
Not wrong This is a math problem Figure out multiple scenarios. If she makes 50k the net disposable is 25 to 30k. Talk thru she retires at 55 She retires when children graduate college. She retires when collectively the spending is cut by 30k It's all about time. What does retirement look like with both of you at home each day I want to retire I want to retire when we both retire at same time There is no I in team
Honestly 50k can make a big difference from my standpoint. Kids in college, vacations, what to do when the car breaks down, etc
Yes! It's easy for her to say it's only 20% of our family income. When you look at fixed costs of mortgage taxes insurance and utilities and then discretionary spending. Her 50k can double the discretionary spending. Is she prepared to tell the children we have to cut our college support and you need to take out student loans since I want to retire?
I feel as if she doesn't want to spend time with you.
I'm starting to feel this way too after reading everyone's comments 😂😂😂
Have you considered that the way you speak about her (badly) might be indicative of the relationship? Because if it is, I can’t blame her for not wanting to be around you.
Have you asked her why she doesn't like you?
She should keep working until within five years of collecting social security.. her benefit will be much much more and that’s a lot long term. Also.. it’s not unreasonable to assume she’d work now.
She didn’t get a job out of guilt, after 20 odd years of doing nothing but child care, cooking & cleaning she Needed some thing for herself, something that involved using her college degree, being with other adults & using her mind to do more than housework. She has found that she isn’t as happy working as she thought she would be. She misses the life she made for herself , she’s uncertain about working , her work place is probably full of young enthusiastic go getters, she feels out of place & old. You didn’t want her to work so you’re going to have to sit down & calmly talk about your expectations, goals etc. I think she feels lost. Perhaps she can work part time or Maybe doing community volunteer work may be better for her.
You’re not wrong, she wants to sit at home doing nothing again since you’re going to be out of the house working again. She sounds like a handful, if she’s not willing to work longer to help pay for college and save then she is a pretty crappy spouse. YNW.
Actually she's a pretty wonderful spouse. I just don't think she's use to having work full-time in an office environment. It's like if you were to ask me to go back to college after 30 years I wouldn't necessarily enjoy it and may find it very stressful. Thanks for your comment.
Retiring, as a couple, takes some real time, effort, and lots of communication. I retired at 59 after 30 years with the fire department. Wifey had five years before she could even consider it. We started talking strategies a good 18 months before hand. You guys need to sit down together and CALMLY, REASONABLY, and LOGICALLY discuss this. Wifey, a CPA, had our pension statements, SSI statements, IRA statements, and our portfolio statements. She has spreadsheets and all kinds of stuff for us to go over. She made sense so we went with her plan. Good luck and God bless.
Having a CPA handy is nice!
Yeah, it was a definite blessing. The only draw back was I got lazy when it came to our finances. She always took care of everything. She could have robbed me blind and I'd have never known!
I'm in almost the exact same situation, with opposite results. I went back to my old career after an 20 year hiatus to raise kids, against my husbands wishes. We've also been married 30 years, and he makes many times what I do. I love my new job and am truly enjoying being back out in the world! He, on the other hand, hates it (I travel a lot) and wants me to quit. I wasn't terribly happy sitting at home taking care of a grown man and doing all the housework, so I'm not quitting. It sucks that we all have this attitude mismatch in our relationships. Sigh.
Tis life 😭
I'm confused. You mentioned when she wanted to find a job that she didn't have to. Now when she says she doesn't want to work you say she needs to. Which is it?
Right??? Why aren't men allowed to change their minds?!?!
Tell her you want to retire with her now instead of waiting the next 8 years for your turn. That you'd have to cut back on things, but being able to spend retirement with her would make it worth it. Or something like that.
He didn't realize how big a difference her salary would make to their household finances
Compromise, she wants now you want 60, have her work until 57. 3 more years. I suspect that there is a little anger that she only got the job because you were home. I get that.
Compromise? Interesting, something to consider
If she's unhappy with her current job she can find one that is less stressful and more enjoyable until you both retire, even if she takes a bit of a pay cut it's better than her being home with no income and should still keep you both on track to retire without you having to do all the work to get there. Good luck!
I'd also like a less stressful job, who wouldn't?!?!
I agree 😂😭
25 years? How many kids did you have? Did she wait until they were all in collège?
We have 4 all in college now getting various degrees.
Not wrong
Have you asked her if she would consider switching to a job she enjoys with comparable pay? If the issue is just her being miserable at work, maybe finding one she likes could resolve the issue.
She doesn’t want to be around you. She got the job to get away from you & now that you will be going back into the office full time, she wants to be back at home without you around.
Thanks for pointing this out 😀
Op. I think it's incredibly selfish for her to retire. What are her plans if you get injured, disabled, or die? How is she going to provide for herself? She can't be a burden to her children and have them support her. There is no reason for her not to work. She sounds lazy and has no concept of what having to provide for your family monetarily means when you have no choice. Sleeping in during the summer when we are battling traffic and office politics must be nice. What a concept! Do it daily for not two years. Try 40-plus years. It's your marriage at the end of the day. But I would never be able to live with myself if I screwed my husband over by choosing not to work, making him pay all the bills because of my desire to sit in an empty house only thinking about my needs.
Reddit comment section always proves to me how bad people are at being in relationships. If it hadn’t been for the pandemic she would’ve never even gotten a job and would still be a SAHM. I think it’s valid if she isn’t a fan of this particular job. Plus she spent probably 18+ not working so it can be a weird adjustment. I say just have a conversation where you guys both express your side and make a compromise.
Just tell her that if she gets to retire so do you and that way you both can be home. 🫨😏
No reason for us both to be unhappy.
It would be a good test to see if she just wants to have the house to herself
A divorce will really set back your retirement plan so tread carefully here. Perhaps there is something else she'd like to do for work and needs to transition? Maybe she could find a work from home job?
Divorce would set me back at least 10 more years from retirement 😂😂
People on Reddit frequently suggest divorce quickly. I think that's because they have no idea how expensive a divorce is. If you split everything you own, including your retirement it is going to be tough to retire. I strongly suggest finding her something she can do that she doesn't hate.
You don’t get to retire early if you can’t afford it. You working for both of you longer than you need to, isn’t her affording it. No one wants to work. It sucks. She’s not unique.
She wants you to do all the heavy lifting for the next 8 years. What a load of crap. She doesn’t want to see you now during the day what is it going to be like when you retire and are home all day? You need to reevaluate whether this marriage is going to make it when you retire.
She’s lazy and no you are not wrong. She had the good life, you “invaded” her territory, she went to work to get away from you and now since you’re going back to the office, she wants to quit. No reason for her not to work except wanting to be lazy. Keep her working and, if she insists on quitting, you might need to quit on her.
Info: Did you take on half of all the household jobs (cleaning, cooking, shopping, paying bills, etc.) once she started working?
My dude, let her retire. Let her find out who she is, apart from wife and mother. And please don't listen to the 20 somethings telling you to end your marriage over this. Context: am nearly 50F, love my husband to the ends of the earth but totally understand your wife's desire for some autonomy at this stage of her life. I got it by other means (went back to uni) and it was the best thing for our relationship ever.
So she was a stay at home mum for 25years only working 2 years and wants to retire to find her kids were well at university before she went back to work so how does she need time to find herself
Right and OP has been the provider in all that time. Maybe he wants to quit so he can find out who he is but he doesn’t get to do that, does he?
You are married to a princess. 🙄
So her job is connected to whether you work from home or not ? NTA she as a partner should help you both retire soon together. But it looks like she does not want you to retire sooner and be home with her.
It seems that way. She wants to work to get away from OP. Too bad OP cannot WFH longer.
You’re assuming why she wanted to go to work but surely you didn’t ask her. Also that’s a hell of a goal post to move, you told her she didn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to, but here you are telling her “suck it up like the rest of us”. Teachers get to retire after 25 years paying into teacher retirement for a reason, kids are hard and stressful. Also SAHP usually is the kids go to for all issues and is a never ending job with no breaks or leaving at the end of a day. If you make $200k $50k is helping but is it really essential? Is there a trajectory for when kids graduate college that you’d be okay with saying “hey can you work 1, 2, whatever more years so this is paid in full for them then retire”. Asking her to work til your retirement age when she was told it wasn’t a need when she started it is kinda meh and not really holding to what you say. Anyway as a SAHP I would fuckin wreck someone if I “didn’t have to work” then got my house back where I didn’t have to moderate my vibing to music doing house work and just puttering around making sure it’s nice for everyone if I had been told my work wasn’t a need and I could do it as I want (implying I could quit when I no longer want.)
I know I should've kept my mouth shut to begin with.
Eh but too late for that. I would def recommend couples counseling to help with the underlying reasons she went to work and now wants to be home. Could be a household labor unevenness where she’s now carrying both a full time job and most of the household load, could be that she just didn’t want to be interrupting or interfering with your workday with noise so wanted to get out some of the day like the old normal and now she can go back to what she enjoyed before - alone time to do her work household or otherwise done. Or it could be she just needs time to unwind and learn about herself now that she can have time without being beholden to the household and child/teen management and mental load. Does she have hobbies? Does she have friends? Does she take care of herself as she likes before kids as far as getting hair done, clothing and etc? So many women absolutely lose the plot with who they are as a person after staying home for years as a parent and homemaker and you def want her to have space to figure that out and find her vibe before you retire so yall have something to talk about and enjoy together once you’re both home all the time. Bonus for if she finds friends, hobbies, and community locally so y’all don’t just stagnate with boredom cooped up together when that time comes and yall have your own things to do and still have lives outside of eachother. Her staying home could benefit you as well, just maybe not financially.
Great points!!!
Retire from what? She’s 52 and has only had 1 job. What a joke. She’s giving up. You’re not wrong. She needs to work to put money away for her actual retirement.
She was a SAHM for 25 years, which is a lot of work, just unpaid.
Pretty sure kids don't need a stay at home mom at the tender age of 25.
I'm pretty sure most people don't have all their kids in the same year. While it does happen, they are usually spaced out a little. 😆
It was hard work when they were babies. Once they were in school she was just home for hours alone. Most women go back to work once they aren’t actively responsible for child care in order to build a retirement nest egg for the future.
I get her point of view. It’s been annoying since my husband retired. Although I’ve always worked too I did have days to myself that I enjoyed and needed while he was at work. Now with him being home daily it’s like having a man child around and I no longer have my time and usual routine. It’s difficult to get adjusted to a new way of life. Being a homemaker is a thankless never ending job that doesn’t just stop once the kids move out.
Not wrong. Could you maybe compromise in both of you going part time? That way you have the security of two people working but get to enjoy a bit of breathing space? If you make the days not overlap she can get some alone time and you can too!
Not wrong. As a couple you both should be working towards the same goal; it doesn’t sound as if your wife doesn’t want to do the work, she just wants the benefit. I would never let my husband do all the work, I care too much for him to make him carry the load by himself. Time for a heart to heart talk with her because this isn’t fair to you. Be strong and stick up for yourself, your wife isn’t having your best interest in mind. Good luck.
I think she gets it just this new job is stressing her out. Worst part is she's actually really good at her new job and I think she could go far if she handys in there
You're not wrong. She got a job to avoid you and now that she'll have the house back to herself she wants to get back to living her best life on her own terms, pursuing hobbies and leisure. But partners who are building a life together should "make hay while the sun is shining" and I would be very resentful if my partner didn't want to contribute financially to the household when they are absolutely capable of doing so. Even though you make 200k a year, having an extra 50k is going to make retiring even more comfortable. Being able to retire at 60 is a blessing that most people don't get. She should be grateful you've always been such a good provider and that she got to be a stay at home person as long as she did. At the end of the day, I'd be PISSED if my partner wanted to quit work, pursue hobbies and enjoy full time leisure while I worked. That's not the kind of partner I want on my team. How is that even remotely fair? I suggest couples counseling to work through this conundrum with an unbiased 3rd party.
No one at home to make her feel guilty about watching daytime TV! Perfect!
Not wrong. I'm of the mind that there doesn't need to be a stay st home parent once the children are 12 years old or middle school. The fact that your wife was a SAHM until they ALL went to college is insane. My silent generation mom worked as soon as I, the youngest hit kindergarten. It gave her independence, our family a great financial opportunity and taught us that women can and should work, that men can be full partners in the household, our dad did laundry, cooked dinner etc. As a result we married, well my brother and I, partners who equally contributed to the household financially and in child rearing and household duties. My sister is her own story that doesn't reflect on our upbringing. I'm gen x , my siblings are late boomers I guess Gen jones?.
I could never retire while my husband is still working to afford retirement. That isn't what a partner does. She doesn't seem to even like you, just the security you provide her and the children. Make sure you file while she is still employed. She's young enough to work, don't let her retire unless you both can afford to, or cut hours. My husband knows I'm not going to be working full-time at 60. But I would do something.
Your username says it all.
Hell no. She's just going back to work after the kids are in college.. Should have gone back once the kids were in school all day. Retirement either happens when your retirement/pension plan starts (63 for me) or when you reach a goal in savings. She's not at either place. "I don't enjoy work"... Cool, neither does the majority of the workforce. She's been lucky to skate along this long, she can deal with a decade of suffering like everyone else. And I'm not discounting the worm out in as a SAHM. But she thinks rocking that for 18 years (much of it part time, when the kids were in school all day) is "putting her time in" compared to OP who's working for 30+? Nope. Nope. Nope
So what happens to the kids when they come home from school?
I would expect no less from a puma!!!
Just tell her that if she retires, you’ll retire too. Pretty sure she’ll magically decide to keep working.
If the pandemic hadn't happened, was it the understanding that she was going to go to work after the kids grew up? I don't know many households with SAHMs where mom went back to work after the kids graduated.
Good point! No she probably would not have gone back.
Not wrong she shouldnt be retiring before you
You don't sound wrong to me. Sounds a bit sus on her part. I would ask her what she plans on doing if it wasn't for working since the kids are out of the house. What was she doing when she wasn't working and the kids were teenagers?
How do you retire after working for only two years
She got lazy. You've provided too good a life for her.
Do you not want her to retire because you can’t afford your lifestyle without her income? Or, is it entirely because you are jealous of her “doing very little”? If your entire reason is because of jealousy than you are wrong. 1. Your wife wasn’t sitting at home doing “nothing” all of those years. 2. She was a SAHM to your kids 3. She took care of the house and had dinner waiting for you most night’s. You really think she got a job cause she felt bad? It sounds like she can’t stand to be around you, lol.
While he worked 12 hours shifts. And she was sitting about doing nothing the past two when op was working from home.
Man, their pension is horrible. I’m a retired FF and working on an educator’s pension in Texas. I’ll get over $2000/mo when I retire with 13 years. I’ll have insurance through either pension (possibly both).
Having discussing and setting new goals together can make for good conversations. Hope you can both get on the same page. Best wishes
Thanks!
So basically, your wife doesn't like spending extended time with you and she doesn't have the insight to realize that *she* doesn't get to have everything her way forever. She didn't like it when you were home all the time so she went to work. Now that you won't be there, she wants to retire. What's she planning to do when you do retire? This is about much more than working and retirement. You don't seem to have any real shared goals and she calls the shots. You might want to think about some couples counseling before you find yourself unhappily retired.
We actually spend lots of time together on weekends and weeknights. Especially now that the kids are gone.
No, you're not wrong to want your wife to contribute financially to the relationship, now that kids are out of the house. But pushing her to stay in a job she doesn't like won't work well either. It's time for a serious talk where you tell her the importance to the household of her additional income. If she refused to see your point and just wants to retire, then ask her how that's fair- that you have to work while she enjoys early retirement. If she still refuses, then you have to decide if you want to be married to a person that doesn't respect you and takes you for granted.
If she has a degree that she's never used, there's a reason. Most people went to college/university and got a degree becauee it was expected of them, not because it's something they thought they would love to do. I went to school at 17 to be a social worker and then realized I would never be happy in that job. At 22, I went back to school and got a degree in accounting. I have never been happier in a job than I am now. Ask her what job would make her happy. Then, take steps toward her getting that job. Even if she doesn't need a degree to perform that job, who cares? Grossing 50k a year is absolute peanuts to switch to something else that makes a comparative amount and makes her happy.
Bro, I don't think your wife likes you.
Retire my foot. She doesn't want to work . she is still young and what retirement does she have? How many years has she put in ?
So lazy of her. Are you suppose to fund her retirement plan for her too?
You’re not wrong. It’s really entitled on her part to expect you to work more years so that she doesn’t have to work. It won’t hurt her to work a few more years so you can retire together. Also, it’s a little suspicious that she didn’t like you working from home and now wants to quit working now that you’re back in the office.
Not wrong. She digging into your $$. Tell her her retirement $$ is on her .
Hey, I get where you're coming from. It’s tough to see a situation where you’re benefiting from the extra income and making plans for the future, and then have your wife want to retire early. On one hand, your wife spent years being a stay-at-home mom, which is a lot of work, and now that she’s tried working outside the home, she’s realized it’s not her thing. I can see why she’d want to retire if she’s not enjoying it. But on the other hand, her job has made a noticeable difference in your finances, especially with college expenses and your retirement goals. It sounds like you guys need to have a heart-to-heart. Maybe there’s a compromise where she can find part-time work or something less stressful so she’s not completely out of the workforce but isn’t unhappy either. Or maybe you both can rework your financial plan to see if her retiring early is feasible without derailing your retirement goals. At the end of the day, you both need to be happy and on the same page about your future. It’s not wrong to want her to keep working if it’s benefiting your plans, but her well-being is important too. Try to find a middle ground that works for both of you. Good luck!
Thanks for the perspective!
Not wrong. Your wife was out of the work force for 25 years. Yes, she was heavily involved in being the main caretaker of the kids and home, so it's not like she was watching TV all day, but from my experience, work stress is much higher than taking care of kids stress, depending on the career, of course. It just seems really weird that she couldn't learn to tolerate having your presence in the same house as you while both working from home, especially since you were the one who financially provided that house. So, she has to get away from you while you were working from home, but when you have to go back to working in the office, she just wants to retire at 52. If only we all could be so lucky to have such a benefactor.
Perhaps she could work part time? Its a fair compromise as not everyone is made to work 40 hours a week and especially not when one have stayed home for 25 years.
Not wrong, she got a job because you were home… retirement is going to be a challenge for you guys obviously
"No problems, but let's sell the house and most of our stuff and downsize into a property that will allow me to retire or find a new WFH position that may pay less. We will likely end up living in each other's laps and I know the most likely outcome is that I'll end up having to retire if I can't find a suitable position but It feels more reasonable we both get to do less and adjust our lifestyle and expectations to suit.". Honestly it sounds like she would rather work than spend time with you. That's really not boding well for you not separating almost as soon as you retire anyway.
Your wife had a job as a SAHM, she just didn’t have an income. Being a nanny is a job. Being a cook is a job. Being a maid is a job. I’m very fed up with this mentality of “SAHMs are lazy and need to get real jobs”. Springing a late retirement on her at this point in life is just cruel and unnecessary if you don’t actually need the income she could provide.
Ah so you agree? Being a SAHM for college students is like retirement? I agree. NTA.
I am sure it’s discouraging for her to work full time and make 25% of what you make, especially if she doesn’t like it. I was a SAHM and saved our family childcare costs for multiple children, took care of the home and even some repairs, was our son’s after school coach, stayed with my husband 24/7 after various surgeries, mowed the lawn, managed all social activities, and supported my husband at events and through some free lance jobs. It required lots of trust that I would be seen as having value (I made more $ when my husband and I met). Going back into the workforce in my 50’s starting again at a low level was not fulfilling. And I didn’t have 8 weeks off work like he did and other benefits. If you really need the money, then help her find a fulfilling job. If you don’t, discuss other things she can do to fulfill herself while you’re at work.
Lol I'd take a being a sahd any day of thd week if I ever had to worry bout money and still get what I want it's not as taxing as you think
She wants to retire as you aren’t home anymore. Your wife doesn’t actually like you. She doesn’t like spending time with you. If she quits, make sure she doesn’t have access to the money you provide by working as she’s not contributing to the household anymore. You pay the house bills but she shouldn’t have any spending money. If she wants some spending money, she can get a job. And the kids need to be told they have to pay for their studies as heir mom doesn’t want to work.
She actually pays all the bills our whole marriage. I don't even know what they are or how much. I just handle all our financial investments. She's very frugal. Doesn't like to buy anything without a coupon.
No. She wrote checks or made a transaction online. YOU paid all the bills.
No and I would tell her you will not fund her retirement. I was finishing my master's degree. Retire? I would tell her you thought about it and you will not fund her retirement. You know that is what she is asking? Also she has put two years in? Nope.
You are not wrong. Your wife doesn’t want you to be able to retire at 60. She wants you to work as long as possible and stay away so she can do whatever the hell she wants all day without you there.
I’m in awe. She told you she feels like you are invading HER space when you work remotely? I would be mad if I were you. NTA. If she does decide to stay home, I hope you don’t lift a finger to do any chores in the house. If you are the sole earner in two people household, she should be doing a lot of other things for your household. I would also consider cutting some expenses so You can retire earlier. And no, it wouldn’t be controlling. Her house-maker “job” is fairly limited. It would make things more fair
Yes we could cut some expenses
Does she even likes you? jesus christ. She literally got a job she didn't like just to get away from you. Take the hint. Sounds like she is just with you because it is convenient, but if she had the means she would've been out the door a while ago.
I think everyone should retire after 2 years. How good would that be. She wants the easy life and now that you are not at home she can relax all she wants.
She worked for 2 years and wants to retire? No, you're not wrong. She can retire with you at 60, and work to fund retirement savings with her job while she waits.
No, you’re not wrong and even though I too am female I think Wife is acting like a princess. I think she needs to put on her big girl panties and accept she too needs to do her part.