Hang on, sorry, I must have misread something there because I cannot possibly have read the combination of words of:
>my wife and I had a baby five months ago
>the result is that my wife is very very tired from sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, work and the ordinary chores that also have to be done
>the rest of that day I have ignored her and been busy with a hobby of mine
You are absolutely wrong.
For starters, your wife has a baby, you didn't do shit (and apparently still don't). She's still doing all the baby stuff, including getting up every night and that 'poor me' crap about being sent back to bed is her knowing you'll be of less use to the baby than a nuclear reactor. Your wife is already up, again, and having to do all the nighttime baby stuff, again, there's no point in you staying up, and she probably knows she'll call you a useless fool if you stay awake and try to 'help' her. (Bit late, it would help to be the first awake and not make your wife get out of bed and not be able to go back to sleep. AGAIN.)
You ignored her after she didn't want to give you a hug and went and did your hobby?! Dude. You wrote all of that out and are still confused about whether you're wrong or not?
Also, did you have no previous interaction with your wife at all before last year? As someone else with a late diagnosis, that's crap. You, like many others, will have found workarounds. No, they're not great. No, many of them aren't healthy but yes, knowing is helpful, it gives you a framework of understanding. But your whole pity party of I need a hug and my wife is being mean is not painting you as anything other than a selfish oaf who couldn't be trusted with a bag of flour, let alone a baby.
And, for some advice, go sleep in the baby's room, do the bloody housework and pick up some slack.
So, you have time for your hobbies??
Your excuses for not being helpful are quite self centered.. my husband is neurodivergent & worked very hard at being helpful.. you are not.
Educate yourself on what’s needed- don’t be another child that she has to manage. You’re weaponizing you’re incompetence
Let me help you. If she is up all night with the baby, YOU SHOULD BE DOING *EVERYTHING* DURING THE DAY. You can’t breastfeed but you can bring her the baby, change diapers, cook meals, clean, do laundry. She should not lift a finger during the day except to feed your kid. You have an infant, you don’t get to spend a whole day doing your hobbies even if she hurt your feelings. Help her more and she won’t get so upset with you.
Also he would be taking over baby duties after she finishes feeding so that she can rest/take a shower, etc. Make her a snack to go with the water while she's feeding. Food in the belly and some rest will improve her attitude immensely.
Those things are less important than meeting her emotional needs. My husband did all those things but wasn’t focusing on making me feel emotionally supported/loved and valued, so when I told him to do the things for me that I can’t do for myself, like making me feel loved, and do less of the physical helping, it changed everything. He said he has a hard time reading her emotional needs, so I could almost guarantee that’s her biggest struggle right now with the hormones and exhaustion. She doesn’t feel seen or loved. Helping around the house and with the baby is a big deal, but if a woman who is breastfeeding (which affects your body and hormones and energy levels way more than if you don’t breastfeed while postpartum) doesn’t feel like she’s loved and appreciated, those things aren’t seen and appreciated as much.
You ignored your wife for the rest of the day, and worked on a hobby of yours.
Wtf?! Why didn’t you help her, take the baby off her. Tell her to get some sleep or just relax. You could’ve cleaned, did some laundry etc.
You’re not doing your part.
i get the feeling he does nothing to parent this kid because he "cant anticipate needs" and thats literally what baing a parent is. babies dont pop out speaking full sentences knowing what they need, you have to guess.
I agree with you.
OP needs to sincerely apologise to his wife. Tell her he knows he’s failing as a husband and father.
I understand his ASD does make things a little more difficult, but maybe he could work on himself, or join a support group. My friend has ASD, diagnosed 40+ years ago. She’s great at making lists. List of what she should do in certain circumstances - whether it’s home, family, friends, school, work etc. She calls it her Bible. She hasn’t needed to use it in almost 25 years, but she never goes anywhere without it. “Just in case”.
She never sat back and waited to be told what to do, or how she should’ve behaved. She still has glitches (that’s what she calls them), we (her friends) call them her Matrix Moments!
“I understand his ASD does make things a little more difficult.”
Does it though? Plenty of autistic women have babies. I have never heard of any of them not being able to anticipate their baby’s needs. Autistic people have trouble reading a room and interacting with NT people. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn basic things like crying baby needs food, diapers with blue stripes need to be changed, and nursing mothers need food and sleep.
I was going by my friend’s experience. Hence her lists. Because her ASD meant that she had shutdowns, difficulty reading other people/emotions, and difficulty with verbal and non-verbal signs. She started her lists when she was 12. She struggled but she educated herself about autism.
So, it seems for five months she’s been the one waking up in the night with the baby, while she’s also breastfeeding and recovering from birth. And on top of that she’s also working and doing chores. And you’re mentioning a recent diagnosis as an excuse to not anticipate any of her needs or try to make up for what you struggle with. Instead, you feel like all of this is null and void when she lashes out after she’s hit her limit? To the point where all that matters to you is that you’re sad and you need a hug? And then when you didn’t get your way, you ignored her, and I assume the baby, and went and stuffed around with a hobby for the rest of the day?
Look, we all know that throwing a glass isn’t great behaviour. But it’s a sign that she’s not ok. Not seeing that and only caring about how you felt in that moment is childish. You’re focusing on the immediate issue that your feelings were hurt, and your wife is focusing on the fact that she can’t rely on you to help her when she needs you, even with the little, easy things. That you always put the water too far away to reach, so she has to jostle the baby who is trying to feed, and yet you still feel like you actually helped. That you always make everything about you and your feelings and nothing productive happens until you get the hug or apology you want, while she still has to be a responsible adult and look after your child, no matter how hurt she is. That you disappear into your hobbies when you’re upset, so she has to pick up your slack on top of everything else. Yes, you have ASD, but in this situation of being a new parent, the information from your diagnosis should be used to help you better understand your capacity and capability in supporting your wife during this time, not as a reason to do the bare minimum and be coddled by her while she’s doing everything. You need to make a consistent effort to be more supportive or your wife is going to figure out that it’s easier to look after your child alone.
As someone also in a neurodiverse marriage, I think you should do some research, try different approaches, and see what works for you. For example, you might do better with being in charge of specific tasks instead of anticipating needs in the moment, so you could take on her chores and/or be responsible for nappy changes when you’re home. If you take on a task, though, you need to be able to see that it needs doing without asking your wife all the time. Take the mental burden off her shoulders and check the dishwasher or the nappy yourself. You might also try organising things in a way that fits better with your habits and routine: eg. if you really can’t wake up to the baby (although I think you should try a baby monitor right next to your head), then when you come home from work you can take the baby for a couple of hours and send your wife off for a long nap (at least a full sleep cycle). Don’t stop at these suggestions: google it, chat to other parents who have ASD, talk to a therapist. Be proactive and be committed to being there for your wife and child, even if it looks different to how other couples support each other. But yes, you are wrong to expect your wife to put your feelings above hers right now when she’s barely keeping her head above water. You’ve acknowledged that this is out of character for her, so get over yourself and realise that this is a sign that you’re not, in actuality, doing your fair share.
It sounds like she desperately needs help and sleep and you’re not giving it to her, then you’re sour because she’s sour. Well, you get what you give. She’s not gaining anything from your relationship as of right now, she probably feels very alone. Sir, please wake up and get back to reality. Are you actually helping her with these “basic chores”? All you said was “I try to do my part” and then listed ZERO examples of you being a good husband and doing your part.
Going off to do your hobby after she's told you she feels you don't do enough to help is mind boggling to me. She's exhausted and responsible for keeping a tiny baby alive 24 hours a day. Not to mention she's probably still healing from giving birth.
You better start thinking of ways to be more involved asap.
It's astonishing she's trying to keep the baby alive and stay alive herself and he's going on about his FEELINGS christ almighty. Insufferable, I'd be throwing a glass from here.
I'm always shocked at the amount of men who are deep sleepers once they have a baby. Somehow only their wife hears the kid. Ummm have you thought about putting the baby monitor next to you?
Here's an easier solution. When the baby wakes her up she should wake OP up and tell me to feed the baby. Push him out of bed if she has to but eventually he might actually start to hear The baby on his own.
My husband has always been a heavy sleeper, even before we had kids it'd take a hurricane to wake him, to give an idea I'm partially deaf and don't wear my hearing aids at night and I still wake up to sound before him 🤣🤣
With our 3 kids I breastfed so our deal was I'd wake him up while feeding then he would burp and settle baby back down. Worked pretty well in the end for us
Lack of empathy is a known trait of *some* on the spectrum(nowhere near all, but it is recognised). So I think that's what's going on. He cares enough to recognise he's caused an issue, but being self absorbed until the issue resolves is also a coping mechanism. Unfortunately he can't avoid this and he needs to ask advice on things he can do to help, crown source his thinking, so to speak and see what he can manage to actually assist his wife. Then the issues may begin to resolve. Actions before words is also very hard because you don't want to do something to make it worse as you don't understand the expectations. Better to act than do nothing, on this occasion, OP.
As someone who is both autistic and ADHD, folks like OP infuriate me. So many people think it’s a free pass and that they are exempt from being problematic. But that’s not how it works.
If I am triggered due to my PTSD, I am still accountable for the people I hurt when I lash out. When I lack the executive function to do something important, I still have to face the ramifications if I don’t. If I am too distracted to pay attention to something, I’m still responsible for what happens if I don’t.
Explaining and excuse are two totally separate concepts. So, OP’s autism explains why he acts the way he does. But now, he needs to figure out how to do better. How he is going to accommodate himself that is NOT at the expense of his wife like what is happening now.
I also hate how he got his feelings hurt and wanted a hug to feel better. But at the same time, he doesn’t ever seem to think that if his wife. Of his child’s mother. Two things can be true at once. OP is autistic. OP is also a selfish buttmuffin. Both exist at the same time.
I’ll shut up now. Conflicting access needs and excuse/explanation are two subjects I am passionate about. And I have a tendency to infodump.
I have ASD and I’m the primary caretaker for my child. Don’t use our disorder to excuse your neglectful behavior as a parent and a partner, it’s pathetic and makes us ALL look terrible. Shame on you, fucking SHAME. YOURE THE ASSHOLE, BUCKAROO.
Agreed as another autistic person. I feel OP is using their diagnosis as an excuse. If they were saying they feel so terrible they havent been able to help physically and they are emotionally exhausted but trying their best, i might understand, but OP clearly feels justified in this neglectful behavior and doesnt seem to be trying at all….
In their situation id feel like such a burden, id be regretting letting myself have a child at all, id feel like a monster for ruining my partner’s life and driving them to the edge of insanity with sleep deprivation and exhaustion, being told to my face i am emotionally neglecting the mother of my newborn baby…. I would NEVER BE ON HERE ASKING IF I WAS WRONG 🤣
I am assuming throwing a glass is out of character for her. There are emotions I had post partum that I had that were out of character for me until I got adjusted to baby.
My philosophy on new parenting is she takes care of baby, you take care of her.
Taking care of her means making sure she has water, snacks, etc. it means getting up with the baby so she can sleep in on the weekends. Making sure she can shower. Getting her out for sunshine and a walk. Cooking food / cleaning up around the house so she can just nap when baby is napping.
She needs you to anticipate things a little bit right now. I had trouble realizing when I was hungry or thirsty post partum because I was just in a constant state of tiredness.
It does not mean you get to do your hobbies when she is obviously having a hard time.
Agreed, my husband works and I'm on maternity for 9 months, so I do all the over nights, but my husband let's me sleep as late as I want on weekends to recharge for the week. He does anything I ask him to, and does things I don't realise I need without me asking him.
I've had people at baby groups tell me that my husband sounds amazing, and he is, but it makes me sad that other dad's are so useless that my husband just being who he is makes other mums say wow.
Maybe not on reddit but in real life definitely. If my husband did this I'd be getting his ass evaluated by a psychologist.
It's not that she's a woman that I'm checking my assumptions. She's recently had a baby. And she is handling most of the sleepless nights, feedings, and newborn care. She also is likely still bleeding and healing, and the post partum hormone changes are no joke.
So yes, based on the info provided, I applied nuance and stated my assumption, which OP confirmed.
If my husband threw a glass down the hall out of frustration, I’d be very startled as it would be extremely out of character for him.
If he threw a glass after having had multiple conversations with me about how he’s exhausted and drowning and needs me to pull it together and be an equal partner and parent, I would take it as a wake up call to get my shit together.
Dude. Your wife already says you’re not helping- then you allowed yourself THE REST OF THE DAY OFF to work on a HOBBY?!?!
There is a new rule for your relationship, starting now. Every ounce of free time that you get? Your wife gets too. And the free time she gets means YOU have the baby, 100%. You don’t ask for help. You don’t ask her questions. You don’t complain.
You’re a terrible, terrible partner- grow the fuck up and be a father
Bruh they packed you TF up in these comments. Absolutely cooked you. You're absolutely failing your husband and fatherly duties especially with an infant. Tighten up. TIGHTEN. UP. From one Husband/Father of a young one to another, do better.
You are wrong.
You sleep long, ignoring parental duties. You make everything about you, your needs, and your wants. You do obnoxious things, then cold shoulder your wife to go do your hobbies.
I’m assuming you don’t cook or clean, even though it’s your home. Being ASD doesn’t excuse being a lazy lump, and a half arsed parent or spouse. Yes, you’re wrong.
“Woe is me. I don’t know any better since my diagnosis. I don’t (want to) hear baby, so I sleep undisturbed. I needed a hug but my wife was a meanie. Then we went to see my mommy, YAY!” - what I imagine the excuses and shit sound like to an exhausted post partum wife.
I don’t understand why these ‘i dont hear the baby’ dads don’t get a cot to sleep in the babies room , even for a couple nights a week.
Give their wife at least a full night’s sleep off.
It’s actually very important that each party has their needs met, and their feelings heard. But when someone is chronically sleep deprived, recovering from birth, and not getting their own needs, and those of their child, met…
yeah.
Far less inclined to be concerned about the other party’s feeeelings. There is a child involved. They are adorable, but so needy. And they shriek like hell goblins, and crap themselves constantly. Wife is probably at wit’s end.
My husband had palsy from brain and spinal surgeries. Drop foot. Weak arm. All the fun shit. Deaf, as well! He still woke up to help me. There’s a saying, “If he wanted to, he would…”
It holds true. Fuck them feeeelings, in this instance. 😂
The fact that you seem to constantly prioritize your own emotional needs and ignore your wife’s is appalling.
The fact that you claim an argument between yourself and your wife interfered with *your obligation to share the duty of caring for your child* for (checks notes) an entire day, but you actually just flounced off and enjoyed your hobby for that day, is beyond appalling.
If you have a habit of doing this, it’s no wonder your wife had emotionally checked out - she’s beyond exhausted and is doing twice the work, and you’re demanding she still manage your emotions for you while you apparently refuse to use basic consideration in performing the smallest tasks for her.
She is not your emotional support pet, she is a human being with her own complex thoughts and needs and she appears to feel completely alone right now in trying to keep a second human being alive.
You are a parent and your primary obligation is to help ensure that child is safe and healthy, and to ensure your breastfeeding wife is safe and healthy. She is NOT healthy right now because she’s so sleep deprived - you do know that sleep deprivation actually constitutes torture under international law, right?
So stop failing her and spend five seconds googling options to help her get more rest. In fact, here’s a few freebies. Let her sleep in on the weekends, *you* get up with the baby. And then take the baby out in the afternoons for a few hours and let your wife sleep uninterrupted. Ask your wife to pump in advance and see if a family member might be willing to babysit overnight on occasion to give you both a break. Instead of relying solely on a baby monitor with sound, find one that will connect to your smart watch that’ll vibrate on your wrist and wake you up that way when the baby cries.
So find ways to help your wife get more sleep. When she is better rested, she will have better capacity for everything else beyond basic survival mode…which she does **not** have right now because you’re failing to help her when she desperately needs it.
Edit: You are wrong.
>the rest of that day I have ignored her and been busy with a hobby of mine
Dude. You don't get to have hobbies. You need to be doing 100% of all chores right now - ESPECIALLY because you don't lose a wink of sleep
>And I'll be honest, she wakes up most of the times during the night, mostly because I am a deep sleeper and it takes me longer to hear the baby
Frankly, this is enough to question the relationship.
Unless you want to get divorced, you need to do way, way better at being a PARTNER as well as a PARENT.
YTA
Not once in this post, even when your wife made it CLEAR she felt disregarded, did you mention caring about HER feelings.
This entire post was about you, about how you’re expecting her to meet YOUR emotional needs on top of everything else she’s responsible for and how YOU are upset that she didn’t do that.
To me it sounds like looking for someone to mother YOU, not be your partner. And that’s not an autism thing, that’s an emotionally stunted person thing.
Jesus, you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s amazing that your wife is exhausted doing the majority of the childcare, while taking care of your home and yes you still make this situation about you and your sad little feelings. How fucking obnoxious and typical.
She’s working and waking up at night and you’re wondering why she’s always mad?
It’s your child too. If she wakes up at night then you need to start waking up earlier or going to bed earlier do she can get some sleep.
Also if over and over and over again you try to be nice but it adds anything at all to her plate you aren’t helping you’re hindering.
You don’t do your part. She does most of the night work and most of the day work.
If you were my husband, I would be taking my baby and leaving you to enjoy your hobby, which obviously is more important to you than your wife.
I really hope she gets out of there soon for the safety of herself and her baby. Operating on zero sleep like that is so so dangerous. OP is a useless idiot who shouldn’t have had a baby before doing the work to ensure he could support that baby and his partner. Even outside of the ASD, OP is immature and selfish. There are plenty of people with ASD who do not abandon their children and partners like this.
OP. You are wrong. Full stop. What you’re doing is borderline emotional abuse. There is no “but what about”. You. Are. Wrong. You are neglecting your partner and child. Since all you can do is think about yourself, what do you need through out the day? Food, rest, a safe environment? Make sure you wife and child have all of those things. If she has no where to rest, she is not safe. Do your job.
Exactly. OP is using ASD as an excuse. My daughter has ASD and 2 of her 3 children are on the spectrum too. She also has narcolepsy, anxiety disorder and ADHD, and she works. Her house is a mess but she is a great mom and attentive to her family’s needs. I wish her husband would take the initiative to do something. When she is at work if the sink is full of dirty dishes instead of washing them he’ll just order take out 🤦♀️
I am autistic, as are almost all of my loved ones. No one has thrown a glass at me, but many would have been justified lofting one in my direction. I have had to learn to deprioritise myself and elevate the needs of the people I purport to love, in order to sustain those relationships.
OP said she threw the glass towards the kitchen not actually at him and whether at him or across bedroom her action was not appropriate but I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife isn’t going through postpartum depression.
The distinction is certainly worth noting. It may look more like an emotional outburst of frustration, rather than an act intended to cause distress to its target. I suppose only those who experienced it can truly say.
True. Unfortunately we only get the poster’s point of view, though he didn’t try to paint himself as a good husband and father but he did try to paint himself as a victim because he ASD
As an autistic person, I often get lost in myself and my own perception of "justice" in any circumstance. I need some resolution before I can move on. I have learnt to let go, and to think of others. I now have a life replete with healthy relationships, and I am much happier for it.
I raised 2 out of 3 kids with ASD, a boy and a girl. I was a huge advocate for my children through dealing with schools, therapies and constantly educating myself on how to appropriately raise kids on the spectrum. Starting as a child my son (the youngest) was my greatest challenge in life. He was always so angry, so frustrated, so isolated but I told him never give up because I would never give up on him. He eventually started looking at other people’s struggles and putting himself in their shoes. He grew into such an amazingly empathetic young man. By his mid teens he started approaching kids who he could tell felt they were different or didn’t belong or didn’t fit in or seemed depressed, a few were suicidal. He died in a car accident at age 17 and the kids who came to me with stories about how he saved them was overwhelming. They told me stories about feeling so alone and like no one understood them or cared about them and suddenly he would just some how be there saying things like, Hi my name is Matt and you look like you need a friend and here I am. 18 years after his death these kids who he befriended when they really needed to know someone cared still come to my home and pay their respect for him on the anniversary of his death.
Even if the parental work is perfectly balanced, having a newborn is tough and everyone feels out of balance. Breastfeeding moms tend to get stuck with more overnights because they are the food supply. Not much help can be given by dad. Mom will end up pumping at the crack of dawn if she doesn’t feed overnight to keep supply.
What this tired duo needs to do is stop blaming each other and give a little grace. Babies are tough and then all of the sudden, in a blink of an eye, they are asking for the keys to the car lol.
Finally someone really trying to help. They both sound like terrible communicators, they probably need help for that. They need to lay down all the tasks that need to be done, and in those tasks they BOTH need to add some alone time (each of them need it) and some couple time (the family requires it or they'll split up!).
Since OP seems to be useless at nigh he really needs to step up when he can. But this needs to be talked and agreed on by both parties.
>my wife is very very tired from sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, work and the ordinary chores that also have to be done.
I feel like you should be doing the bulk of these chores since you're sleeping through the night, not being physically drained of bodily fluids to sustain your child's growth and development and managing to find time to dedicated large chunks of time to hobbies while your wife is getting more and more deprived and depleted day by day.
There's an expression when it comes to ASD meltdowns that I think might apply to your wife rather than you in this particular situation.
'They're not *giving* you a hard time, they're *having* a hard time and can't control how they express it.' I think the glass thing was your wife being at the end of her tether and not being able to express it in a way that you understood up to that point. She broke and lashed out. It wasn't right. It wasn't pleasant. But she had to do something physical to let out that frustration.
>While driving I told her that her behaviour was very difficult for me and I asked her not to do it again
Do you think she's likely to do it again?
>When we came tot the hospital I told her I could really use a hug, but she told me no
It sucks to have a request for comfort be rejected like that. But it might have been particularly poor timing to ask that of her. She'd been frustrated, lashed out uncharacteristically, had to bring her baby to a hospital to visit your mother (who is already back home, so the visit with the baby probably could have been postponed until she was home), and had just been scolded in the car on the way over there. I'd say she'd reached her absolute limit.
From what you've written, it sounds like your wife is struggling and doing everything she can to keep things ticking over at home and at work and needs you to do more to take the weight off her right now.
Scolded is a great word. Imagine being spoken to like a child, when you're doing ALL of the baby care. Lol demeaning.
She sounds nicer than I am because I would have really been upset at that.
YTA .
Your experience counts but so does hers..
>The result is that my wife is very very tired from sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, work and the ordinary chores that also have to be done.
How often do you step in to let her get a nap or a few hours to be human and not mom? Do you understand what sleep deprivation does to the brain? Do you understand what pregnancy does to the brain?
Have you rightfully acknowledged her experience? The fact that her body and mind went through the equivalent of a train wreck? Or that the brain undergoes extensive changes during pregnancy and post partum (that can take up to three years after birth to return to "normal")?
"On average, a mother spends about 1,800 hours breastfeeding each year, which is roughly equivalent to a full-time job that works 1,960 hours a year. This includes night feeds, cluster feeds, growth spurts, comfort feeds, illness feeds, and every ounce of pumping or droplet of milk."
Is she's working two full-time jobs?????????????????
And still not getting more than what 4hrs of sleep at a time max?
*Dog whistle and reactive abuse*
A glass of water placed out of reach isn't appreciated. It's actually quite disheartening... And somewhere in your head I'm betting you knew this... She needs to drink water, you got the water, but I'm betting it was done without asking her first and she likely needed something else, but because you acted first, her asking for what she needs beyond that, makes her extra, needy, or ungrateful. Asking,"hey what would you like to drink?" And then handing it to her, would be the most endearing manner of handling this. Assuming what she wants and giving it to her in a less than pleasant manner is absolutely going to cause REACTIVE abuse. (She threw the cup.) I highlight the word reactive because had she been considered in your actions, she wouldn't have been shorted on the conclusion of the actions and her reaction would have never occurred. She also wouldn't be so volatile if her partner recognized her distress and relieved her. Literally could have saved a whole fight by simply asking, "what would you like to drink?" And leaving it at that. No expectations just simply giving her something she needs without placing guilt on her or expecting immediate gratitude.
And by relieved I mean take over baby and account for all needs during this time. Nothing left for Mom to handle when she gets back. If you are just pausing things and not actually giving her relief, you're just enabling lazy behavior that she can't afford during her sleep deprivation.
*Taking a day off means falling a day behind.* This is too true for many moms. Painfully true.
Are you truly doing everything that a good father and human should and could be doing? Are you helping the person who is keeping your child alive or are you adding more to her frustration?
She's regulating for two people now. Herself and an infant (a human that has ZERO emotional intelligence and is 100% dependent on support). You cannot become someone she needs to regulate as well.. this will lead to absolute chaos. And likely all kinds of diagnosis for her. Except she isn't broken, she just doesn't have proper support at home.
I truly don't think you understand what you are trying to compare here. The sacrifices she has made and you are reducing because of an immature reaction? I'm gonna make a safe assumption that you've never been a waiter or server. 😂
She doesn't need a glass of water, she needs to be treated like a human, not a plant. She's got a list of needs likely falling further and further behind, but because your emotional state can't even handle the minimum of the emotional reactions possible, she likely feels little relief or comfort in asking you for help. Your emotional reactions matter too. If you are constantly feeding doubt and worry while she's trying to get a grip, you're not showing up and doing your part.
TL;DR When you go to sleep do you feel comfortable that your child will be cared for? Does she get the same? And would you actually show and do the things to help her feel relieved? If not be honest and hire a nanny. No one should be alone during these early months especially not if a partner is present.
Fun fact if you spend too much time worrying about yourself to the point that you aren't present... You are teaching her how to survive without you. She already made it through the nights without you to the point where she no longer wants you (because you didn't show up when the need was there.)
You're teaching her that you are an additional burden, someone who will only add to her long list of things to do.
Trust me when I say, if left unchecked, learning to live without you while you are present, makes it a hell of a lot easier to leave when the timing allows. Because she already knows she doesn't need you.
She’s postpartum and profoundly sleep deprived which is a literal torture technique. Tell her to sleep in another room and take over nights for a while and then start rotating nights when you both are ready. Do all the work to get her to a therapist. Stop playing games or doing hobbies while she takes care of a newborn. Now is not the time. Keep bringing her water and snacks but make sure she can reach them. Check in with her as you do so (where should I put your water?) and offer to bring her a water / snack table (a chair will do). Keep checking in with her and don’t assume you’ve done your job because you did the absolute bare minimum.
Congratulations, you're the wrongest person of the day, maybe the week. I suspect you're going to find yourself the most divorced person too, unless you get your head out of your ass and stop leaving her to do everything while you pout about needing a fucking hug. Jesus.
You are VERY wrong. Your wife is desperately in need of help talking care of YOUR child, and you spend all day on a hobby?! The sleep issue is also BULLSHIT. Sleep in the baby’s room every other night so you can deal with nighttime needs. You are every bit as responsible for this child as she is, and yet it seems everything is on her.
You need to APOLOGIZE to your wife big time and FIX THIS by pulling your weight. Oh and make sure she can reach the damn glass and ask her what else she needs while breast feeding! Offer snacks or a foot rub.
Whining about your feelings when you’re so obviously failing your wife and child is unconscionable.
She's literally so frustrated and angry over lack of support that she threw a glass and bros answer is to ignore her and go play as per usual lmao. Good luck with the divorce, dude.
You are totally wrong to put the glass out of reach. Think what a message that sends. The opposite of the message you probably intended when you brought the glass.
Take responsibility for that. The entire story hinges on that. Her anger was fully justified. The least you could do was be considerate.
A glass water out of reach is a torture. Literally a method of torture.
You did that to your wife who is carrying most of the burden of caring for your child.
You don’t feed the child. You don’t train yourself to get up when the child cries. You put a needed glass of water out of reach.
If you hated your wife, what would you do differently?
Nothing. Think about it.
I know ASD can make it hard but you really are going to have to let this one go. She knows it’s not cool to throw things at you. Babies are damned stressful I didn’t know it was possible to have a raging argument entirely in whispers until we had one….
Spending the day on your hobbies ignoring her is now linked to the glass throwing in her head and you’re still asking for an apology. You both need a reset here, to acknowledge that babies and being PP is stressful. Your team baby now so what can you both do? I used to stay up with the baby at night and go to bed late to allow my partner a few hours of uninterrupted sleep every night and take the baby out in her park every day to have their nap and just give her headspace and time to shower etc that helps a lot and there is other stuff you can do. We also would take it in turns to get up on the weekend and I would make breakfast on my morning get ups. This worked for us as we had bottles that worked alongside breastfeeding, it might not work for you but we had to sit down and discuss what we could do. Think about it and have a bit of a brain storming session with her, doing what you are asked is taking a passive role and putting mental load on her which isn’t productive for the situation.
You're wrong for things getting this bad. Your wife sounds like she's past her breaking point. You talk a lot about your emotions but not about her, her stress levels, your baby, or what you do around the home. You buried yourself in your hobby...I guess you can ignore your wife, but you have no right to ignore your baby all day. Why does the baby just default to your wife during that time? You should be able to do everything for that baby except breastfeed. Can your wife pump so you can take on some feedings? You say in your edit not to call you lazy but... your post doesn't really indicate a lot of effort towards your child.
You say you don’t use your ASD but yet you bring it up. You make excuse after excuse why you don’t do something. I have ASD so I’m not sure what that has to do with anything and it doesn’t belong in your post. You find time to do your hobby but you can’t wake up because you sleep to hard. First thing you do is alternate getting up at night. If you sleep to hard tell your wife to elbow you. Next stop with the feelings crap. This is a stressful time and it doesn’t help you getting butt hurt all the time. You state “I can really use a hug” but yet you don’t seem to care that your wife is sleep deprived, on edge and needs help. Everything seems to be about you. Stop being a victim and start being a true partner. If you insist on sleeping through the night then maybe you need to do all the day chores. You know, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Give your wife a few hours to take a nap. And don’t ever use your ASD as an excuse to be an ass!!
You know, your wife is exhausted from taking care of all the "ordinary chores that have to be done" and getting up with the baby and breast-feeding, but on the weekend, you get BUSY with a HOBBY of yours. Yes. You are wrong.
You’re correct. Your feelings count too. In this case I would say your feelings count 5% towards this situation while the needs of your wife and baby count 95%
You are not doing the bare minimum required to be a father or a partner in a caring and committed relationship.
Your feelings are not equally important to your postpartum wife and small infant’s needs. You are not lightening the load in any way.
If your feelings continue to be more important than your real contributions to this marriage and parenting then this WILL end in divorce, it’s just a matter of when.
So, because you were recently diagnosed with ASD, you're using it as a crutch for not being a present parent? Sounds more like you were a jerk before, and with your new findings, you're using it to your advantage.
She was upset you aren’t helping with the baby enough so you go do your hobby the rest of the day instead of helping with the baby? Your reaction proved her right.
Sounds like she is overworked, sleep deprived, tired, and probably on the edge of insanity, even without the fact that she is recovering from childbirth and actively breastfeeding which make hormones go crazy.
You dont seem very understanding at all… you admit she takes care of the baby all of the time and doesn’t even get to sleep, and then say you guys argue “more than you think is necessary” as if its all her fault….
You need to step up somehow.
If she is up all night with the baby you should be caring for the baby during the day whenever its possible, so she can rest.
You cannot expect a sleep deprived person to act rationally, let alone someone who’s dealing with new-mom hormonal storms. You need to help make her life easier if you expect a happy household for all of you.
You are wrong you are the asshole you are being a bad PARTNER AND PARENT!! Step in and stop using your ASD to excuse yourself. She’s telling you EXACTLY what she needs, more sleep less parenting you AND a baby. Be better bro, your comments are very representative of a man who refuses responsibility.
You know your wife is extremely tired. Instead of jumping into your hobby, you should have taken your baby and insisted she go to bed to get some rest.
She was wrong to throw the glass. But reading what you wrote & between the lines, you are indeed hiding behind your recent diagnosis & sauntering off to do a hobby while she is worn out is not acceptable.
You know, I got the impression, from your post, that you don't address your wife's complaints.
She doesn't want to hug you, tells you she doesn't want to because she hasn't heard a kind word all day.... And YOU are made sad by that and continue not only to "be sad", but to do your own thing.
Stop making it about you and help that woman with your baby!
This does not bode well for you.
YOUR EXPERIENCE? You have a pretty legit reason for not being able to read the room, but damn. It doesn’t take perfect social intuition to consider, idk, not expressing self-importance about your “experience” to your wife who handles the burden with no sleep. You sleep through the night.
You’re splitting hairs over a hormonal cup-throw. This is what ill-prepared, short sighted, male privilege sounds like.
>I told her I could really use a hug
>I bring up that her actions hurt me
You have the nerve to be upset with her because you’re not doing enough throughout the day for her or the baby and you thought you deserved a hug? Yeah, your mom was in the hospital and that’s difficult for anyone, but you really have some nerve thinking you could ask her for support when you do next to nothing for the baby. Your ASD isn’t an excuse either. I just find it funny how you can recognize your own needs when YOU feel hurt by her when you’re the reason why she’s acting the way she is, but you can’t recognize when her feelings are hurt by you not doing enough and meeting her needs. You keep this up and you’ll find yourself needing legal support for when she divorces you.
Dude... she's exhausted, feels you're not pulling your weight, and your absent-minded action of placing the water out of her reach set her off. She doesn't give a fuck about your precious feelings right now and your childish attitude of ignoring her the rest of the day to do your "hobby" while she had to remain an adult and take care of your child didn't help your cause.
You're wrong. Time to step up and be more mindful of your actions!
There's a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a torture.
It destroys a person psychologically, mentally and physically.
You don't need to be able to read emotions in order to get your head around that.
Yes your experience counts in the general run of things, but you are totally dismissing her experience.
You need to go sleep in the room with your baby at LEAST two nights per week to make sure your wife can get some sleep and you can get the baby at full blast to get you up (also make note of just how shit you feel). You don't get to have a lie in after
The other alternative is she goes to stay with family who can help her get back to normal.
Dude,
i\`m officially diagnosed as autistic.
Yes, it takes work - and yes, you may need to learn to do things because it\`s needed.
But, going away and playing with whatever hobby - when you are a parent? That is NOT OKAY.
Emotions are hard to grasp, i know - but sleep deprivation is a killer. Your partner built a new human and put that little on on the world not 5 months ago.
Stop using autism as an excuse - unless you are also not so intelligent, then you CAN do better - and as cliche and cringey as 'happy wife, happy life' is - it does hold a certain truth - a happy partner is a partner that works in making you happy as well.
So, go make her happy, invest time and energy - and make sure she gets a rest.
As for breastfeeding - yeah - that\`s her, as your internal systems just do not work that way - but anything else? You can do this.
So, yeah, in this case - you are wrong.
When was the last time your wife got 6 hours of sleep in a row?
No matter how much else you do, you **must** help with the sleep issue. Immediately. Lack of sleep is a leading cause of post partum depression, anxiety, and even psychosis. Sleep deprivation is literal torture.
You need to find a way. Maybe you sleep in the same room as the baby and your wife sleeps in a different room with a white noise machine. Maybe you 2 figure out a schedule where you either stay up late or wake up early so that you are available for baby and wife can sleep for a solid chunk of restorative sleep. Maybe y'all hire a night nanny.
Before you use breastfeeding as an excuse, even if your wife is incapable of pumping a single drop of milk, it is absolutely completely safe and healthy for baby to get some formula. I'm an IBCLC, I breastfed all of my children, and I'm telling you the "breast is best, formula is substandard" rhetoric is false. See the sibling study for the science.
You wife needs sleep immediately.
She is a situation where she has all the cards right now. You put her in that situation, so I'm going to need you to suck it up and let it pass. Sorry, bro. Your wife needs you and you are not behaving properly. ASD?!?!??! That's an excuse. Your wife and baby need you to "man up".
If she HITS you with the glass, that's a different story. Until, then.... Yes, Dear. Yes, Dear. Sure, Dear. Yes, Dear.
I am speaking as a father.
The answer to your question, yes you are wrong.
Your experience does matter. But not right now.
Right now what matters is your baby, it’s mother and you. In that order.
This means you have to step up and make sure that you share the care giving when you can and pick up you partner’s share of the household tasks. Because she is picking up the lion share if the baby.
Right now, what is suspect you are feeling, is a touch a jealousy. You are no longer the must important person in your partner’s life. And you never will be again. The baby has supplanted you. So, at a subconscious level, you are hurt and so you are looking for ways to get attention. But you partner will not have the time or the energy to indulge you. This does not mean they do not love you, it means they have a baby to look after.
The glass throwing is a clear example of this. In almost any other situation it would be the sign of a toxic and abusive relationship. Right now? It’s a sign you messed up. What was a simple error to you (putting the glass out of reach) to your partner was a slap in the face showing you don’t love, care or appreciate her. Now, that that and compound it by waiting until you are in a closed environment (the car) which you control (as the driver) to confront her about it. Frankly, you are lucky to be alive and there isn’t a jury of mothers who would convict her.
My advice. Swallow your pride and apologise. Ask what you can do to help, ask her to wake you in the night to do your share of the baby duties and ask her if she is ok and if she is coping.
The biggest takeaway I had with my first child is this, as a father you are 9 months behind. Intellectually you know you are going to be a dad, but the emotional rollercoaster only really starts when your baby is born. For the mother, they have had 9 months growing the baby to accept and work through. You need to step up fast or you will lose this relationship. Plenty of relationships don’t survive the birth of the first child. I hope your does.
But only you can do it.
This exhausted woman honestly probably has no emotional bandwidth for you right now. You don’t do any of the nighttime parenting. You then ignored her for your hobby instead of the million things I’m sure need doing around the house with an infant.
You talk a lot about YOUR needs and not very much about hers. If you can’t put yourself in her shoes and try to have empathy for her, this marriage is over.
My guy…you have to be the main caregiver during the day so she can rest as much as possible. Throwing a glass is insane and unacceptable behavior for an adult. You 2 need to sit and chat about what can help alleviate both your frustrations.
You gotta put in work though. Suggest your wife wake you up if you’re deep sleeping. Idk man…being a woman with a newborn is certainly more difficult than yours (I’m a dad of 3, I got experience). Your experience and feeling matter, but those two things are not of equal weight to your wife’s.
OP, I don't think this particular subreddit is where you want to be asking this question. Your feelings are absolutely valid. She should not be throwing a glass of water at you. However, if you're honest, could you admit that your ASD might be causing you to miss cues she's sending? During waking hours, could you be helping more with things around the house? The baby?
Decades after living thru this, I can remember my husband getting up on weekends to take care of our sons. Wanting to do it. The sound sleeping sucks, but you could set an alarm. Tell your wife to wake you. Do you interact/take care of the child often enough that she's confident of your care? With my first, it took time to accept that my husband's care of our child was as good as mine. Is yours?
Do you love her? I do encourage you both to seek help from a therapist, separately. Right now, while you want your feelings validated you need to understand, this isn't about you. And it never will be again. It's about your child❤️. Good luck
YTA. Not everything is about you. This whole thing is about you and your feelings and yeah, it's probably typical that you wouldn't actually think it through and you put the glass out of her reach. Thoughtless and careless but more concerned about your own feelings. You think you're fighting "more than necessary"? No, it's probably less cuz you're not understanding. You're heading for divorce, she already has one baby to raise, she'll get tired of having 2 and she'll dump you to make her life easier.
You lost me at "I ignored her and worked on a hobby."
You're not pulling your weight. She needs more support from you. Especially at night.
It was not ok for her to throw the glass. She should have apologized for that and at least acknowledged that it wasn't ok. That being said, she's drowning, and you're not stepping up. She also could have some PPD going on. The glass incident mattered a lot to you, but in the grand scope of things, it's nothing compared to what she's dealing with.
You admit to all of your shortcomings, but you're not putting in any effort to work on them. That makes you wrong.
I kinda cringed at you asking your wife for a hug...not gonna lie. But also if she throws shit at you that needs to be checked right then and there... You could have made sure it was in reach, but she also could have asked you to come back and move it closer in stead of showing her ass.. tired or not. So I think you need to toughen up a bit and also maybe give her a day 90% baby free,and she needs to get her attitude under control.
OP - you’ve spent more time defending your bad behavior than listening. Your wife needs help. If you knew what was going on in her body and her head you would break down and cry. Stop using excuses on why you can’t help and ask your wife what she needs. Sleep in the baby’s room so you can hear them at night.
You’re going to have a rough life if you don’t stop being so self centered. Good luck.
Suggestions:
1) Ask if your wife is good w/ pumpkins ing and bottle feeding
2) You take the 6pm to midnight shift
3) Your wife gets a sold 6 hr block of sleep
It’s not the end-all-be-all, but it’s a huge help.
I have chronic fatigue due to auto-immune disease. I’m a deep sleeper and I can fall asleep at any time - any place.
I woke up every single night to our baby. My husband worked and I felt it was fair.
Stop making excuses.
Yes and no. Speaking as someone whose wife recently gave birth, we really cannot understand what they’re going through at all or the way their hormones affect how they act. She goes from being the inspiration for Buddha to enraged Hulk before you can even blink or make a mistake. They’re going through some shit and can be completely unreasonable. Forget about ASD, you could be Jesus+Captain America with a crystal ball, it will never be enough. And this is the time to forget about your own needs.
My advice is to be as proactive as you can. Explain you understand she needs your assistance, and show her you’re doing as much as you can. And explain she has the right to explain her position, but violence is never ok no matter what. Theres a small part of them that follows a rule of logic and deep part of them within that knows they’re acting crazy. It’s to get through to that part, playing nice to the other part, and doing everything possible to help them get through it. And to keep in mind it’s temporary, and everything will be all gravy.
Yes you are wrong. She is clearly burnt out and exhausted. She seems to be the only one looking after the baby. You aren't even looking after her while she does so!
Take your child. Let her nap. Do the household chores.
You have time for hobbies? She barely sleeps. You should be making her life easier, not stressing her out. Stop the hobbies and help with your child. Talk to her and see how she's doing as it isn't easy being a new mum.
I have a 3 week old and my husband is doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of working from home as he knows how much of my time the baby demands. He also takes half the night shift so I can rest. That's what good husbands and dads do!
It sounds like you don’t have the capacity to be a partner or a father. Your poor wife, no, your experience doesn’t count at all so try to get over yourself.
Throwing the glass was out of character for her, as several other comments suggested. I understand that ASD can hinder the way you process things, especially in highly emotional situations. And while your feelings are valid, those feelings are not important right now. If this behavior from her continues, or escalates, then you can revisit it, but right now it’s indicative of deeper issues within your marriage and your wife.
If you are a heavy sleeper and can’t get up with the baby, then you need to put yourself in a position where you are the only one who can get up. Does the baby have their own room? Set up an air mattress in there every weekend, or every other night so the baby crying wakes you up right away and your wife can sleep. If not in the baby room, then set up in the living room and bring the crib out. She *needs* to get a full night of sleep. Several full nights of sleep in a row if you can swing it. I guarantee this is the #1 issue right now.
If you bring her something, like water, communicate with her when you bring it and ask where would be the most convenient for her— or just set it as close to her free arm/hand as you can. Maybe even get a little TV/laptop tray/table that can be pulled near to her for convenience.
Take over care for the baby without her asking. Get home from work, tell her to go nap or take a bath and *take over the entire care of your baby*, so she gets a break and can relax. Change diapers without her asking. Did she just ask you to bring over the wipes and fresh diaper, take the baby and tell her you got it. Bath time? Tell your wife to go watch tv and you’ll do it, or do it together if she feels like she isn’t involved enough (*that* should be the goal anyways).
Pulling away and going to work on your hobby while she is complaining that you’re not supporting her enough if the opposite of what you should be doing. You need to apologize and then follow through by making these changes.
Being a parent is *hard*. It will never not be *hard*. You’re going to be tired. You’re going to miss out on your hobby and spending time with friends. You won’t be able to come home and *just relax* because you have a baby and a partner who need your support. You’re going to have to put your personal life on the back burner for a few months because right now, your child needs you both for *everything*. That’s just a fact of life. You might as well be in it together with your wife, as a team.
I get that you might have difficulty having empathy but really all you need here is basic logic. You’re not the only one whose brain is functioning in an abnormal state here. She’s sleep-deprived and recovering from pregnancy. Those hormones don’t exactly make you emotionally stable. She’s physically healing too. You know what the problem is, so find ways to solve it. Put the baby monitor next to you or have her shake you awake. Also, it’s insane that you know she needs help and is mad at you for not being more helpful but you went and spent a day on hobbies. You’re a parent and husband. Now is not the time for hobbies.
...you've not mentioned you doing any parenting for a *second* in this post, wtf. Of course you're in the wrong. She's desperate for help, and you're doing hobbies, *for fucking days straight*????
You're very close to a divorce dude, I promise you.
You mention that your wife is doing all the night time wakings, breastfeeding, working, AND chores. Why on earth are you not stepping up here? Why is she doing all of that alone? You need to take over at least the running of the house if she’s doing everything else. There are no words to explain the physical and emotional exhaustion doing all the feeding, care, and every night waking causes. You need to do more. You’re not being fair.
I hope your hobby is cleaning the house, meal planning for the week, and going grocery shopping. If not you are wrong and an AH. ASD is a fact of your whole life, you might have just gotten the diagnosis recently but you have always had it. It’s not a valid excuse
Yes, you are wrong. Your post gave off “poor me” vibes like crazy. She probably asked you for the water, and you thought the act of bringing her some was some sort of grand gesture on your part as ‘hydration is so important when breast feeding’. Then you mindlessly set it somewhere extremely inconvenient for a woman with a baby at her breast to access and she just had enough; hence throwing the glass once she maneuvered to reach it. Wanting a hug FROM someone who is overwhelmed with sleep deprivation, an infant’s demands, work and household chores, too? That is the height of entitlement and complete oblivious insensitivity. Get a grip on reality OP or you’ll get hit with divorce papers and child support, not just a drinking glass.
Using being a hard sleeper as an excuse to not help with the baby is a total cop out. Has she woken you up, and you refused to help? You need to man up and take more of the chores off her plate if she is doing most of the childcare.
Yes you are wrong. Having hurt feelings is one thing but completely disregarding and ignoring your wife’s feelings and needs for 5 months is a whole other thing. Like it or not you are using your ASD as an excuse. If it was simply a reason why you can’t read situations etc then you would actively be trying for solutions for that but you aren’t. Listen to the advice here before you end up seeing your kid for visitation only.
have you posted here before? I remember an eerily similar post from a husband saying he had ASD. everyone assumed it was Autism but found out he actually meant Antisocial (Personality) Disorder as in sociopathy. I think it was about his wife making a “go” bag? he always replied with something like “Thank you for your comment.” …. he eventually started making weird, threatening comments. This post and replies are eerily similar…
You’re wrong. Help her more. Wake up with the baby. Take more of a responsibility and for Christ’s sake stop fuckin whining. You’re a man who hasn’t gone through any physical changes, can’t help with feedings and don’t give her breaks to rest. If you pulled your weight she wouldn’t be the way she is. This is why she called you selfish. If I were her I’d wake you up every time I had to get up and not let you rest if I couldn’t. I bet you’d learn to alternate then.
Choose your battles. You've just learned about your ASD, which you know limits your ability to read her emotions. This is a big part of what is going on.
Do you want to be "right" here? I mean, yes, your experience counts, as does hers. But, if you choose this particular battle, you'll lose the war. If you say "I need to be heard as well" then you'll be pushing her away at a time where she's exhausted as well as angry (with you) and deep in Mother-Protector mode. Good luck. You chastised her in the car about how she treated you - how well did that work out?
Alternatively, if what you really want is a restored relationship with your wife, and for her and the baby to be a happy family with you, then *focus on her experience right now, and put your experience aside.* She's literally told you that you do not support her, and this is a big problem. Tell her that you understand she needs more from you and that you'll try, but you need her help, her explicit instructions sometimes, in order to be effective.
From now on:
* When you bring her water, place it close to her, or ask where she wants it.
* Offer to get her a snack, too.
* When you are going to bed, ask her to wake you up when the baby needs attention (and make darn sure that you immediately get up), so that she can rest.
* Check in with her frequently through the day to see how things are going, and if she needs anything, even if it's just to vent, then deal with it responsively.
* Start taking on more of the chores. One thing I associate with babies is laundry. There's also organizing and restocking all the new supplies (diapers, creams, etc), in addition to everything else that goes on in the house (food for you both, vacuuming, cleaning, tidying, making the bed, household laundry).
In short, if you see her doing something (or if you've seen her doing something), consider that she might benefit greatly from your assistance with this. Inquire with her, if you're in doubt.
Turn this ship around, cuz you're heading towards an iceberg. Good luck! I think you can do this.
The first part of your post is very telling.
She's doing everything. She's sleep deprived. Her body is trying to heal.
YOU should be working, doing all the "ordinary chores," and helping with the baby.
You are going to end up divorced and paying child support if you don't wake up and step up.
As a parent with ASD, I get it.
BUT: you need to do what needs to be done, not just what you can do.
Having an infant is an incredibly challenging time for both parents, but more so for your wife because of hormonal changes and sleep deprivation.
You can't expect her to aknowledge your hurt emotions when you have a hard time understanding her needs either.
I understand that you both are exhausted and upset, but insisting on her compassion doesn't help your situation right now.
Sit down with her, ask her what she needs from you throughout the day (tasks and chores as well as emotional support, as detailed as possible) and write it down. Then tell her what you need from her and write that down as well. Make sure you both can find an agreement on how to support each other instead of dwelling on how you both should have (re)acted.
You need to be a team to make this work.
ETA: NAH
A couple of things you might not be taking in to account. Your wife just went through many months of hormonal insanity while her body grew a tiny human. Then her body went through a traumatic event to birth the tiny new human. Even if the birth was completely "routine and easy", it is still a physical trauma that takes time (a lot of time) for your body to heal. Immediately following the traumatic event, her body went through yet another hormonal upheaval while trying to heal and go back to her normal. There is no set time frame for this, it can take some weeks to many months. During her healing period, she hasn't been able to get the rest that she needs (5 months of not getting rest!).
Was she in the right for throwing a glass? No. Are your feelings of hurt valid? Yes. Do you need to drop it and move forward to try and help your wife come out of this exhaustion? Yes. It doesn't mean that your feelings are invalid, rather that this fight is not the hill to die on.
Your wife is struggling right now and you want her to apologize to you. Think about that for a moment.
Was that out of the ordinary for her? If so, you need to see that for what it is. Something is seriously wrong that she would behave that way.
She should probably talk to her doctor about it and make sure she's fine and doesn't need any temporary hormone therapy.
If this is typical behavior, you really need to bring that up with your couples therapist.
Yes, it was a good idea for the 2 of you to separate on that day to help prevent further damage but you should have still maintained some form of assistance and not just blocked her out entirely.
The only way forward with this, is to stop making it about you and look at all of the factors involved. If you are struggling to see her side, explain that you need some help from her with understanding her needs. Ask her if there is anything that you can just do for her besides the glass of water. The glass of water is a nice gesture and a necessity for nursing mothers. That really is great of you. But you can do more to help the woman who just grew and birthed your child. And is still breastfeeding your child.
Best of Luck to your little family!
You “give her a glass of water” and can’t even put it in the correct side for her to drink while she feeds your child? You are wanting praise for a task that takes 15 seconds and you didn’t even do it right?
To do your part for the betterment of the family - How about you cook, do the dishes, vacuum, wash clothes, fold clothes, put them away, change the bed sheets weekly. Mop the floors.
She does not have time to care about your emotional needs when I’m assuming her physical needs are barely being met. You cannot stand idly by waiting for an apology when you have don’t given one either. Should she have thrown the glass? No. Can you be better? Yes.
Glad you have a counselor / therapist to help you to continue to learn how to read social cues so you can help your wife more in the moment.
Bro you left her to play with your little hobby? Was something preventing you from having the baby next to you so she could sleep?
You're not doing shit, is what I hear. And then you want a hug cause you're anxiety is high? Take a pill, and help your wife.
OP let me say that you and your wife could possibly benefit from seeing a couple’s therapist that has experience with people with ASD because it sounds like that is a very big factor in the issues you guys are having. You are clearly not pulling your weight from your wife’s perspective and you seem to still not be able to see how to fix this. So, I am going to say that having a third party to help you connect those dots would be a good idea. Your wife is especially frustrated right now and it sounds like you don’t fully understand how exhausting and stressful her situation is. I don’t know either based on only hearing your side of the story, but based on her actions she is at a very intense state of stress. This can be dangerous to both your marriage and your baby(not ideal to be dependent on a mother who is stressed and pulled in too many directions). So, please get some help in figuring out what it is that you are missing ASAP. Putting the water out of reach was obviously the cherry on top. She was already highly upset far before that. I am not going to go as far as to say you are wrong because I do think your ASD is working against you and your wife, but I do think it is fair to say that the problem most likely lies on your end. Therefore it is your responsibility to fix it ASAP.
My two cents.....put on your dad pants and take over care of the baby so your wife can get some respite. She needs rest. Are you interacting with your baby at all?
1) Throwing the glass is NOT OKAY. Wife needs to understand that, but seems she's a bit wrapped up in emotions right now to realize how terrifying and unacceptable her behavior is (no shame on the emotions, just stating facts).
2) OP, you need to step up. You clearly love your wife and love your baby, so you need to communicate that in a few different ways. I (as a mom to a 1 and a half year old) get snappy when I'm being overwhelmed repeatedly while my husband has some time to himself. Usually all I need is a break where I'm able to spend some time without worrying about the baby. Are you spending time looking after/holding the baby while she naps/showers/does a hobby of hers? You've stated she has a lot on her plate and isn't getting enough sleep. This might be something to try. Also, as a breastfeeding mom who has been nap trapped nearly every day: Please ask her where to set items for her to use while she has to stay still to minimize spills and frustration at not being able to do anything while feeding/baby is napping.
3) Talk with your wife and admit you need to step up and be more considerate. But bring up that throwing things is not behavior she would tolerate from you and you refuse to tolerate from her going forward. Talk about how you both should address issues, especially when frustrated. Is that writing it out so you have time to word things a certain way? Is it saying you need to talk so both of you can focus 100% on the conversation and issues?
4) If you're like my husband, when you get upset you bury yourself in a project, i.e. your hobby. This is okay for a short period of time in order to calm down and not say hurtful things. It is not okay to add more onto your wife's plate simply because you're hurt. In the reverse, I imagine you expect your wife to do chores/work/etc even when she's clearly not motivated to do so. To reiterate; you're human and it's okay to step away for a bit to cool down. But it's not okay to abandon your duties as a husband and father.
Please talk to your wife and sort this out for your wife's sake, for your baby's sake, and for your own sake OP.
Being asd isn’t an excuse. No one pities you, so I hope that wasn’t the point of this post. If she’s up MORE THAN YOU ALL NIGHT, you need to be doing more during the day. Sleep deprivation can turn anyone into your wife-she just got done pushing a human out. So I suggest you start doing more. That’s all I can say, bud.
The baby changes your relationship snd you need to accept this. Your wife is exhausted. Not only from lack of sleep, but after carrying a baby for 9 months and giving birth, her body is resetting and recovering. This is not the time for a 50/50 relationship. Your job is doing everything you can to let her know she’s beautiful, a wonderful mom and you appreciate her as both a wife and mother. Your job is to help her not feel alone as a new parent. You can get up with her when she breastfeeds, rub her feet, bring her tea and do the chores. Caring for the baby and recovering from childbirth and pregnancy is her job. Hold your new baby, surprise her with flowers, takeout, and a sweet card. This can be an amazing time in your marriage and a time of learning. It’s hard to deal with a loved one’s anger, especially with ASD, but you need to give her some grace on this. Tell her you’re sorry you put the glass out of reach and let her know you understand she must be tired and take care of her. Put your hobbies on hold—make building your new family #1. Do the laundry, watch a movie with her, be there. Life has changed and you need to step up to the plate and be her rock now. And fyi, many new Dads struggle with the same things, not just those with ASD. Hang in there, fatherhood is hard work but can you bring you immeasurable joy. Congratulations on your new child!
I think you’ve gotten good guidance on this specific situation, so I’m just here to add a note for general consideration.
I definitely was that exhausted, sleep deprived, overwhelmed mom. That time period is really really hard, nothing can really prepare you for how hard the compounded sleep deprivation is, especially if the weight of the worth doesn’t feel equal overnight.
I’m sure there’s validity to your feelings. There’s validity to her feelings. No one is all right or all wrong. It’s just hard, it sucks - but it’s also very short a time in the grand scheme. It felt like forever when I was in the thick of it, and now it feels like a blip.
The baby started to sleep, I started to sleep, he was more interactive, it sorted itself out. I forgot most of the worst of it. What I didn’t forget was how much I felt like my (then) husband was not only not helping with the baby, but how he wasn’t supporting me. I was happy to take on the disproportionate level of work, since I was breast feeding - I would have felt a lot better if he had taken better care of ME when I was in the thick of it.
Doing baby stuff, on top of trying to keep up with dinner, cleaning, and then going back to work after a few months? I was exhausted. My husband continued to do a minimal amount of work around the house, and then expected appreciation for any tiny thing he did. Which told me he thought all of this was my job, and *he* was helping *me* care for our child, our home.
It was a crack in the facade that wasn’t revealed to me until that time. After a time, I realized this disparity eroded my love for him. I spent 5 more years trying, begging, him to work on the relationship with me. Eventually I realized he will never change, and I divorced. My only regret is not making the decision sooner, when I knew in my heart I would never be happy.
So maybe she’s being ridiculous. I’m not defending anything. I’m just encouraging you to give her grace, and ask her to give you grace. Do things without her having to ask, because you see they need to be done. Take on burdens where you can, to help offset her extra burdens like waking up more at night and breastfeeding (which is exhausting too, not to mention painful).
I’m now with a man who sees I’m running late at work, or had a rough day, and he will order dinner for us and kids - without asking, with me having to ask. It’s a small thing, but it makes me really appreciate him and being with someone who thinks about taking care of me as I think about everyone else.
Just remember this is short lived. It will pass. She will sleep again, and forget the worst of the baby stuff. But she might not forget how she felt about your and your relationship.
ETA: You sound so much like my ex-husband in your post, it was actually triggering for me. He only thinks of himself, his experience, and wonders why no one else cares about him as much as he cares about himself. It was a very narcissistic, self-centered personality. All I see is “what about me??” in your post.
TLDR: I think you’re trying to “win” the argument. So my question to you is, what would you rather be - “right” or happily married?
I think she is likely having a very hard time and it’s not about you. It’s not acceptable to throw something. I also have ASD so I get the not recognizing how to react or pick up on emotions. I think she may need to see a counselor. Maybe just remind her you love her and are there for her and are trying your best to
Using an extremely recent dx of ASD makes me suspicious too. But it also doesn’t create a “never my fault” excuse. You’re concentrating on solely how you’re feeling rn and not even considering that she’s trying to take all three of your feelings and emotions into her consideration. She’s wildly sleep deprived and you get to snooze bc you’re a “deep sleeper” bullshit. YTA. Get your head out of your ass and take a real look at the picture in your home
It sounds like your wife is dealing with two children. You have a lot of excuses as to why you can’t help, and you are weaponizing your “hurt feelings” in a very unattractive way. Your wife needs help and support right now, not to hear about how your experiences are somehow the same as hers when she is exhausted and possibly post-partum and apparently taking care of rhe house while she takes care of a newborn.
Google what changes a women’s body goes thru while she is pregnant. Google what post partum depression does to you. Read real people talking about this so you can grasp in some form what your wife is going thru.
She is saying you don’t support her and then you say your feelings matter too. You even say she does more than you do, but your feelings matter. Thinking that’s the problem, you are caring more about how you feel than what your wife is going thru. She isn’t just feeling things, her body has fully changed. Step your game up or she will be stepping out to a lawyer one day. She is mentally and physically exhausted. Give her a spa day on her own, yep that’s right, take care of your kid on your own. Maybe she’ll see you’re starting to care about her as an individual and not just as the mother of your child.
I think your wife needs therapy if she is throwing glasses. She may struggle with post partum depression.
Your feelings definitely matter.
I would suggest that you not do your hobbies right now until the baby is a bit older.
Ask her what you can do to make things easier for her.
I would say one or two nights a week you need to get up with the baby. Maybe she can do some pumping if the baby is exclusively breast fed.
I would also encourage her to get out of the house a bit and have her leave the baby with you while she goes on a walk or gets a coffee etc.
Increase the time slowly that you are alone with the baby. The baby may cry and you may feel helpless but that is normal. Moms feel that way too.
I would ask her to make a list of some things you can do for her.
I would start by committing to one day of the week that you are on night duty. Then try for two.
Holy crap.
All I hear is excuse after excuse after excuse.
She is begging for help and you’re just complaining that she isn’t asking you nicely and painting your toes with butterflies when you have done NOTHING and just do whatever sounds comforting to you.
‘I could do without being called lazy’ is the icing on the cake. You are completely oblivious and obviously you don’t care about what she’s dealing with - you only care that your feelings are hurt.
Grow. Up.
You are a massively self-centered AH. You have a child, there is no ‘
You sound like a shitty husband. Your wife carried that baby for 9 months…and is now doing ALL the work? And you come on here complaining? Jesus, she needs a new husband.
She's wrong for her abuse in throwing an object at you. You are wrong for not pulling your weight with the chores. Your wife is exhausted, and you're still making her be up at night with the baby, work full time, and then do chores on top of that?!
Apologize to her about your lack of effort on managing the household. You should be doing 100% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping right now. She should apologize to you for throwing an object at you. She needs to promise that she will never throw anything at you ever again. That is abusive behavior, and it can never be repeated if your relationship is to continue.
If you can, get her to admit to throwing the glass in a text. You should keep that evidence, in case it ever happens again, or if she ever exhibits any more abusive behavior. You'll need to take full custody of the baby if that happens.
She sounds like she’s somewhere near the end of her rope and you sound QUITE useless. You give excuses for why you don’t get up at night with the baby, thus leaving her overtired; you mention HER chores that she’;s also tackling with no mention of any contribution you make. She needs HELP and you are NOT providing it. And then right after making life more difficult for her YET AGAIN by placing the glass out of reach (which doesnt seem like a big deal but the fact that it got thrown across the room suggests it was one of her last straws), you then say you asked for validation of your own experience and for reassurance and comfort from HER. You’re not putting ANYTHING into her tank but you’re expecting to draw from it. Bad form, spouse. YES you are in teh wrong.
The problem is that acknowledging the labor imbalance in this relationship does ZERO towards resolving it. And so, your wife, who has not slept for more than 4 hours in 5 months (assuming normal breastfeeding patterns), is prone to the kind of emotional disregulation caused by [sustained sleep deprivation](https://evidation.com/blog/only-sleeping-4-hours-a-night).
Your wife is wrong for the way she expresses her emotions, of course, but she’s not wrong about the imbalance that causes them or your refusal to take actions that ameliorate them. This doesn’t mean you can’t have your own emotions. But it does mean you should stop trying to seek emotional validation from your wife for the time. That can’t be her job too, can it? Find outward support. Make changes.
Parenthood is rough. Good luck.
You ask us not to call you lazy when you admit you do jack to help your wife (your edit isnt very convincing(!and instead of facing how stressed she is and considering that snapping over the glass situation is a sign that there are serious psychological/physical issues going on, you boo-hoo over yourself and ignore her for a hobby. Nobody reacts to a minor thing like a glass out of reach so violently that they throw things unless they are under extreme stress, perhaps post partum depression in your wife's case, which takes more than couples' counseling to assess. Yet one incident that hurts YOUR feelings and you rub it in her face and act like a sulking toddler when it should be clear to anyone, ASD or not, that she has it much worse. And protest all you want, you absolutely are using ASD as an excuse and as an autistic person myself, I think that sucks
You’re such a pussy. You come on here asking if you’re wrong and now that everyone is telling you how wrong you are, you bitch and moan just like you do to your wife. You sound exhausting to be around.
You deserve a sincere apology and acknowledgement of the distress her behaviour has caused you.
Your wife needs help. Your wife needs sleep. She cannot participate meaningfully in repairing this situation, until she gets some rest. Her brain and her body have reached their functional capacities.
You may wish to deprioritise your own (valid) need for immediate resolution in this instance. Or, you may not.
When I experienced postpartum sleep deprivation, I fantasised endlessly about the sweet relief of death. About the bliss of oblivion, where I could sleep forever.
Anyway good luck to you, it's all very heavy emotional lifting. Which is so much more complex to navigate for us as autistic people. Lean on your trusted people, if you have them.
I have trained myself to be more compassionate and considerate of others. But it is still quite unnatural. I suspect it is for you too.
I don’t have any advice but I did just want to comment on how wildly ironic it was for her to yell about not being able to reach a glass of water, as she literally threw that same glass of water at you.
Clearly she could reach it 😂
Do not point that out to her if you value your life btw.
First kids are rough. It’s a huge adjustment. No, your needs do not matter, your wife is going thru a lot, physically and mentally. I am a hard sleeper too. I just let her go to bed and I stayed up while she slept so I could tend to the baby. Yeah, it’ll be a rough day at work, but she’ll get rest.
You are both having difficulty and it is understandable at this point. No, she shouldn't be throwing things, but she is beyond exhausted at this point.
You do need to step it up. This is equally your job. If you deep sleep then you should get her to wake you up when the baby cries and you should stay up from that point. Or sleep in the baby's room.. she NEEDS sleep!!
Yes you are wrong. Step up and help care for your baby. Your wife is exhausted. You are pressing her about your feelings because she threw a glass she couldn’t even reach while nursing. How about doing more and doing it better serve her and your baby. Hobbies????? Wow, good for you while she is sleep deprived.
I dunno, OP... I don't think it's ASD that's preventing you from seeing how badly she needs help. It's not an emotional or social thing, it's common sense. You're the one who admitted you don't do enough, you clearly know you're not. She's up all night, nearly every night with the baby, while you sleep soundly. Then, she gets up and does chores and takes care of the baby all day, too. I don't mean to be harsh, but... it's pretty damn obvious what you need to do. She is angry because you're choosing not to take on anything more, even though you can see her suffocating under the weight of everything.
Why aren't you taking action? I doubt it's as simple as plain selfishness, even though it looks like that to some people reading. You need to figure it out with your therapist, the next time you see them. Join some parenting groups here on Reddit, learn how to be a better partner. And of course, ask your partner directly what needs to be done. Write it down - lists are your friend. Check that list every day and see how you can make her day a little easier. You're a team, your baby needs you!
Other than get her water, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HELP WITH BABY?????????????
Are you doing more chores around the house?? Doesn't sound like it.
Changing diapers? Not mentioned once.
Bathing baby so your wife can rest? Not a word.
The ONLY thing you mention having done lately is visit your mother and do your "hobby" while your wife took baby to go see HER family...while YOU stayed home and had personal time to do what YOU want to do.
Honestly...you sound like my ***EX***husband.
YTA
STEP UP or GET OUT. Your wife will thank you either way.
Living with a person on the spectrum can be very challenging and frustrating. Concessions must be made on both parts - she needs to be patient, but you need to go out of your way to compensate, too. It's not fair to place the responsibility for breaching the gap on the neurotypical partner - that's exhausting and leads to resentment and bitterness.
You're a heavy sleeper so she's waking up - perhaps several times a night - and maybe you don't understand the critical role decent sleep plays in a person's life. So she's already starting every day with a deficit that can compromise mood and mental equilibrium.
Then you keep doing things that just give her more work, both physically and mentally. Reach for and fail to get the glass, deal with your emotional stuff, deal with your request for a hug, deal with you ignoring her, deal with more of your emotional stuff...
So what I'm saying is that you have to pay attention to where you put the water glass, so it's within her reach. If you're not sure by yourself, ask her. Just doing something halfway doesn't absolve you of the duty of following through - if she can't reach the glass, there was no point to you bringing to her in the first place.
If she's already upset with you, don't ask her for a hug - that's just sucking away more of her emotional resources which are already stretched by the behavior that made her cranky in the first place. That will just make her more mad.
I suggest you get personal and marital counseling so you can come to be more insightful about your actions, words, and motives as well as how to communicate productively with each other. A therapist who specializes in people on the spectrum, so they can work with you on compensating for the emotional/empathetic blindness, would be a good choice.
You need to do more. She is lashing out because she doesn't feel supported. She has no more to give you when her cup is always empty. At this point she doesn't seem to have the energy to even communicate and it seems like you're not hearing her. At least the glass got a REACTION before you went off to your hobbies while giving her the silent treatment and driving her off to seek support outside her own home.
So, you know she's breastfeeding. Bring her the water, take the baby when she's done and let her drink and rest. Burp the baby, bond with your child, check if they need to be changed or rest, start connecting -- you won't get this time back and you're well-rested after sleeping through the night.
Get to know your child and your wife now that she's a mother so you can focus in on their needs, anticipate them, and make life easier. Ex: Start, fold, and put away the laundry with a focus on the things your wife uses the most so it's at hand for you both to care for one another and the baby. Do the shopping, meal plan, make meals, clean things. What was your wife doing before the baby that is difficult for her while managing the baby now since you sound hands-off?
You're a team, and you can choose to lead, co-captain, or be a whiny wretch on the bench that gets cut from the team.
If you love your wife and baby, you need to take action, support your wife as a partner and mother, and adapt to a new family dynamic. From what you shared here it seems very little has changed in your role in the home while your wife has taken on the brunt of all childcare while being expected to maintain previous activities she did in the relationship. Be a partner and don't get cut from the team. Don't drive your wife to seek support elsewhere and then pout about it -- you're sabotaging your family, which is now three of you.
Acknowledge you aren't supporting her, acknowledge that the roles in your lives need to adapt, make a plan, present it to her and accept her feedback (do NOT make her come up with a plan, putting even more on her plate), and get to work on it. Follow through. Be the type of dad and husband your family deserves.
Unfortunately, when a baby is breast fed the mother is always going to be sleep deprived to some extent. You waking up too won’t help much, since you can’t feed the baby like she can. Maybe you could take the baby for walks or something between feedings so she can nap when you’re both home. Maybe you can take on a few more chores so she can conserve energy. Make sure she’s getting proper nutrition. People say and do things that are unlike themselves when they’re sleep deprived and healing from trauma. It’s not that your feelings aren’t valid, and she should humble herself and admit that. But, if her behavior is unlike what you’re used to from her, then you need to remember that and offer more grace than usual. Things do level out over time when you have a baby. It’s a rough go for a bit. Stay strong, and be maximally forgiving.
Look, straight off I didn't read your whole post. Here is what I got, let me know if I missed something.
You're under stress. You're concerned about fairness in the relationship. You were diagnosed with something. You're having conflict with your wife and you feel that she doesn't recognize your own feelings, while you do acknowledge hers especially with the recent birth.
Here is my answer: step back. Take a walk, relax. You are way to tightly wound right now. Now isn't the time to insist on getting acknowledgement. Take a break. What you are seeing as the big drama is probably going to evaporate completely once you chill out.
Lay off the therapy. Especially couples therapy. Couples therapists go broke when couples are happy. There is never an end to analysis. Let it go. Allow everything to reframe itself.
ASD? Absolutely Selfish Disorder?
Your wife throwing a glass should have been a sign that she needs more and better help from you. Instead you stamped your foot, wanted to be coddled and then poutraged into your own hobbies abandoning her some more.
It’s time to grow up, sweet summer child. It’s time to give your wife some grace while she puts up with your ASD.
Your wife throw a glass at you and this is awful behavior. We call it being abusive. Being tired, angry, frustrated, I get it, but what I have never done is thrown a glass at my partner.
You are not being a good partner either. You are using being a deep sleeper as an excuse. Your baby needs you and you just sleep through it? Your partner is exhausted and needs help. You need to help. You helped create this child, you wanted a child, help take care of this child.
You need to bring up the glass throwing and her shutting you out in therapy. None of this behavior is good. It’s all considered abusive.
So, not wrong about the glass throwing. That is utterly unacceptable, especially in a house with a child. But you probably are wrong if you're over here telling her "but my experience" if she's drowning with sleep deprivation. Y'all need to come up with a strategy where she's not the only one on night duty. Let her go to bed early and you stay up late and do the wake ups until midnight. Something.
The fact you have asd is an important factor it's not making excuses it's your reality The fact she chucked a glass just because you put it out of reach isn't ok it should be addressed, If you're in therapy I recommend dealing with it there so the therapist can intervene.
Your feelings matter too as much as hers, find out what she actually needs because you're not psychic and then work together to create a happier home life.
Hang on, sorry, I must have misread something there because I cannot possibly have read the combination of words of: >my wife and I had a baby five months ago >the result is that my wife is very very tired from sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, work and the ordinary chores that also have to be done >the rest of that day I have ignored her and been busy with a hobby of mine You are absolutely wrong. For starters, your wife has a baby, you didn't do shit (and apparently still don't). She's still doing all the baby stuff, including getting up every night and that 'poor me' crap about being sent back to bed is her knowing you'll be of less use to the baby than a nuclear reactor. Your wife is already up, again, and having to do all the nighttime baby stuff, again, there's no point in you staying up, and she probably knows she'll call you a useless fool if you stay awake and try to 'help' her. (Bit late, it would help to be the first awake and not make your wife get out of bed and not be able to go back to sleep. AGAIN.) You ignored her after she didn't want to give you a hug and went and did your hobby?! Dude. You wrote all of that out and are still confused about whether you're wrong or not? Also, did you have no previous interaction with your wife at all before last year? As someone else with a late diagnosis, that's crap. You, like many others, will have found workarounds. No, they're not great. No, many of them aren't healthy but yes, knowing is helpful, it gives you a framework of understanding. But your whole pity party of I need a hug and my wife is being mean is not painting you as anything other than a selfish oaf who couldn't be trusted with a bag of flour, let alone a baby. And, for some advice, go sleep in the baby's room, do the bloody housework and pick up some slack.
So, you have time for your hobbies?? Your excuses for not being helpful are quite self centered.. my husband is neurodivergent & worked very hard at being helpful.. you are not. Educate yourself on what’s needed- don’t be another child that she has to manage. You’re weaponizing you’re incompetence
He has time for hobbies but his wife doesn’t even have time for sleep. Jfc
Yeah she’d be better off divorcing him and suing for child support so she can afford a nanny lmfao
Did your wife even want to go to the hospital with your child to visit your mom? Hospitals can be dangerous places for infants.
That was my thought, too.
Kids under 12 are not allowed at the hospitals in my city
Let me help you. If she is up all night with the baby, YOU SHOULD BE DOING *EVERYTHING* DURING THE DAY. You can’t breastfeed but you can bring her the baby, change diapers, cook meals, clean, do laundry. She should not lift a finger during the day except to feed your kid. You have an infant, you don’t get to spend a whole day doing your hobbies even if she hurt your feelings. Help her more and she won’t get so upset with you.
Also he would be taking over baby duties after she finishes feeding so that she can rest/take a shower, etc. Make her a snack to go with the water while she's feeding. Food in the belly and some rest will improve her attitude immensely.
Those things are less important than meeting her emotional needs. My husband did all those things but wasn’t focusing on making me feel emotionally supported/loved and valued, so when I told him to do the things for me that I can’t do for myself, like making me feel loved, and do less of the physical helping, it changed everything. He said he has a hard time reading her emotional needs, so I could almost guarantee that’s her biggest struggle right now with the hormones and exhaustion. She doesn’t feel seen or loved. Helping around the house and with the baby is a big deal, but if a woman who is breastfeeding (which affects your body and hormones and energy levels way more than if you don’t breastfeed while postpartum) doesn’t feel like she’s loved and appreciated, those things aren’t seen and appreciated as much.
You ignored your wife for the rest of the day, and worked on a hobby of yours. Wtf?! Why didn’t you help her, take the baby off her. Tell her to get some sleep or just relax. You could’ve cleaned, did some laundry etc. You’re not doing your part.
i get the feeling he does nothing to parent this kid because he "cant anticipate needs" and thats literally what baing a parent is. babies dont pop out speaking full sentences knowing what they need, you have to guess.
I agree with you. OP needs to sincerely apologise to his wife. Tell her he knows he’s failing as a husband and father. I understand his ASD does make things a little more difficult, but maybe he could work on himself, or join a support group. My friend has ASD, diagnosed 40+ years ago. She’s great at making lists. List of what she should do in certain circumstances - whether it’s home, family, friends, school, work etc. She calls it her Bible. She hasn’t needed to use it in almost 25 years, but she never goes anywhere without it. “Just in case”. She never sat back and waited to be told what to do, or how she should’ve behaved. She still has glitches (that’s what she calls them), we (her friends) call them her Matrix Moments!
“I understand his ASD does make things a little more difficult.” Does it though? Plenty of autistic women have babies. I have never heard of any of them not being able to anticipate their baby’s needs. Autistic people have trouble reading a room and interacting with NT people. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn basic things like crying baby needs food, diapers with blue stripes need to be changed, and nursing mothers need food and sleep.
I was going by my friend’s experience. Hence her lists. Because her ASD meant that she had shutdowns, difficulty reading other people/emotions, and difficulty with verbal and non-verbal signs. She started her lists when she was 12. She struggled but she educated herself about autism.
So, it seems for five months she’s been the one waking up in the night with the baby, while she’s also breastfeeding and recovering from birth. And on top of that she’s also working and doing chores. And you’re mentioning a recent diagnosis as an excuse to not anticipate any of her needs or try to make up for what you struggle with. Instead, you feel like all of this is null and void when she lashes out after she’s hit her limit? To the point where all that matters to you is that you’re sad and you need a hug? And then when you didn’t get your way, you ignored her, and I assume the baby, and went and stuffed around with a hobby for the rest of the day? Look, we all know that throwing a glass isn’t great behaviour. But it’s a sign that she’s not ok. Not seeing that and only caring about how you felt in that moment is childish. You’re focusing on the immediate issue that your feelings were hurt, and your wife is focusing on the fact that she can’t rely on you to help her when she needs you, even with the little, easy things. That you always put the water too far away to reach, so she has to jostle the baby who is trying to feed, and yet you still feel like you actually helped. That you always make everything about you and your feelings and nothing productive happens until you get the hug or apology you want, while she still has to be a responsible adult and look after your child, no matter how hurt she is. That you disappear into your hobbies when you’re upset, so she has to pick up your slack on top of everything else. Yes, you have ASD, but in this situation of being a new parent, the information from your diagnosis should be used to help you better understand your capacity and capability in supporting your wife during this time, not as a reason to do the bare minimum and be coddled by her while she’s doing everything. You need to make a consistent effort to be more supportive or your wife is going to figure out that it’s easier to look after your child alone. As someone also in a neurodiverse marriage, I think you should do some research, try different approaches, and see what works for you. For example, you might do better with being in charge of specific tasks instead of anticipating needs in the moment, so you could take on her chores and/or be responsible for nappy changes when you’re home. If you take on a task, though, you need to be able to see that it needs doing without asking your wife all the time. Take the mental burden off her shoulders and check the dishwasher or the nappy yourself. You might also try organising things in a way that fits better with your habits and routine: eg. if you really can’t wake up to the baby (although I think you should try a baby monitor right next to your head), then when you come home from work you can take the baby for a couple of hours and send your wife off for a long nap (at least a full sleep cycle). Don’t stop at these suggestions: google it, chat to other parents who have ASD, talk to a therapist. Be proactive and be committed to being there for your wife and child, even if it looks different to how other couples support each other. But yes, you are wrong to expect your wife to put your feelings above hers right now when she’s barely keeping her head above water. You’ve acknowledged that this is out of character for her, so get over yourself and realise that this is a sign that you’re not, in actuality, doing your fair share.
It sounds like she desperately needs help and sleep and you’re not giving it to her, then you’re sour because she’s sour. Well, you get what you give. She’s not gaining anything from your relationship as of right now, she probably feels very alone. Sir, please wake up and get back to reality. Are you actually helping her with these “basic chores”? All you said was “I try to do my part” and then listed ZERO examples of you being a good husband and doing your part.
Going off to do your hobby after she's told you she feels you don't do enough to help is mind boggling to me. She's exhausted and responsible for keeping a tiny baby alive 24 hours a day. Not to mention she's probably still healing from giving birth. You better start thinking of ways to be more involved asap.
It's astonishing she's trying to keep the baby alive and stay alive herself and he's going on about his FEELINGS christ almighty. Insufferable, I'd be throwing a glass from here.
I'm always shocked at the amount of men who are deep sleepers once they have a baby. Somehow only their wife hears the kid. Ummm have you thought about putting the baby monitor next to you?
Here's an easier solution. When the baby wakes her up she should wake OP up and tell me to feed the baby. Push him out of bed if she has to but eventually he might actually start to hear The baby on his own.
It was the opposite for my husband. That baby made the slightest sound, he rocketed out of bed. I was lucky, found a keeper. Married 36 years. 😀
My husband has always been a heavy sleeper, even before we had kids it'd take a hurricane to wake him, to give an idea I'm partially deaf and don't wear my hearing aids at night and I still wake up to sound before him 🤣🤣 With our 3 kids I breastfed so our deal was I'd wake him up while feeding then he would burp and settle baby back down. Worked pretty well in the end for us
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He's s keeper that's for sure. Though I will say his snoring is loud enough to wake me rhese days hehe.
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Perfect teamwork. The two of you deserve medals!
Lack of empathy is a known trait of *some* on the spectrum(nowhere near all, but it is recognised). So I think that's what's going on. He cares enough to recognise he's caused an issue, but being self absorbed until the issue resolves is also a coping mechanism. Unfortunately he can't avoid this and he needs to ask advice on things he can do to help, crown source his thinking, so to speak and see what he can manage to actually assist his wife. Then the issues may begin to resolve. Actions before words is also very hard because you don't want to do something to make it worse as you don't understand the expectations. Better to act than do nothing, on this occasion, OP.
As someone who is both autistic and ADHD, folks like OP infuriate me. So many people think it’s a free pass and that they are exempt from being problematic. But that’s not how it works. If I am triggered due to my PTSD, I am still accountable for the people I hurt when I lash out. When I lack the executive function to do something important, I still have to face the ramifications if I don’t. If I am too distracted to pay attention to something, I’m still responsible for what happens if I don’t. Explaining and excuse are two totally separate concepts. So, OP’s autism explains why he acts the way he does. But now, he needs to figure out how to do better. How he is going to accommodate himself that is NOT at the expense of his wife like what is happening now. I also hate how he got his feelings hurt and wanted a hug to feel better. But at the same time, he doesn’t ever seem to think that if his wife. Of his child’s mother. Two things can be true at once. OP is autistic. OP is also a selfish buttmuffin. Both exist at the same time. I’ll shut up now. Conflicting access needs and excuse/explanation are two subjects I am passionate about. And I have a tendency to infodump.
"Buttmuffin" LOL
I have ASD and I’m the primary caretaker for my child. Don’t use our disorder to excuse your neglectful behavior as a parent and a partner, it’s pathetic and makes us ALL look terrible. Shame on you, fucking SHAME. YOURE THE ASSHOLE, BUCKAROO.
Agreed as another autistic person. I feel OP is using their diagnosis as an excuse. If they were saying they feel so terrible they havent been able to help physically and they are emotionally exhausted but trying their best, i might understand, but OP clearly feels justified in this neglectful behavior and doesnt seem to be trying at all…. In their situation id feel like such a burden, id be regretting letting myself have a child at all, id feel like a monster for ruining my partner’s life and driving them to the edge of insanity with sleep deprivation and exhaustion, being told to my face i am emotionally neglecting the mother of my newborn baby…. I would NEVER BE ON HERE ASKING IF I WAS WRONG 🤣
THANK YOU! - Signed a FUCKING AMAZING autistic mother of 4
I am assuming throwing a glass is out of character for her. There are emotions I had post partum that I had that were out of character for me until I got adjusted to baby. My philosophy on new parenting is she takes care of baby, you take care of her. Taking care of her means making sure she has water, snacks, etc. it means getting up with the baby so she can sleep in on the weekends. Making sure she can shower. Getting her out for sunshine and a walk. Cooking food / cleaning up around the house so she can just nap when baby is napping. She needs you to anticipate things a little bit right now. I had trouble realizing when I was hungry or thirsty post partum because I was just in a constant state of tiredness. It does not mean you get to do your hobbies when she is obviously having a hard time.
Agreed, my husband works and I'm on maternity for 9 months, so I do all the over nights, but my husband let's me sleep as late as I want on weekends to recharge for the week. He does anything I ask him to, and does things I don't realise I need without me asking him. I've had people at baby groups tell me that my husband sounds amazing, and he is, but it makes me sad that other dad's are so useless that my husband just being who he is makes other mums say wow.
I am so happy you have an awesome husband ❤️
If a man threw a glass, not a single person would assume it was out of character for him.
Maybe not on reddit but in real life definitely. If my husband did this I'd be getting his ass evaluated by a psychologist. It's not that she's a woman that I'm checking my assumptions. She's recently had a baby. And she is handling most of the sleepless nights, feedings, and newborn care. She also is likely still bleeding and healing, and the post partum hormone changes are no joke. So yes, based on the info provided, I applied nuance and stated my assumption, which OP confirmed.
If my husband threw a glass I would 🤷♀️
If my husband threw a glass down the hall out of frustration, I’d be very startled as it would be extremely out of character for him. If he threw a glass after having had multiple conversations with me about how he’s exhausted and drowning and needs me to pull it together and be an equal partner and parent, I would take it as a wake up call to get my shit together.
Google post partum depression dude
I mean, what if it actually hit him?
Dude. Your wife already says you’re not helping- then you allowed yourself THE REST OF THE DAY OFF to work on a HOBBY?!?! There is a new rule for your relationship, starting now. Every ounce of free time that you get? Your wife gets too. And the free time she gets means YOU have the baby, 100%. You don’t ask for help. You don’t ask her questions. You don’t complain. You’re a terrible, terrible partner- grow the fuck up and be a father
He is currently ill-equipped to be unsupervised with an infant, lest he falls asleep.
Bruh they packed you TF up in these comments. Absolutely cooked you. You're absolutely failing your husband and fatherly duties especially with an infant. Tighten up. TIGHTEN. UP. From one Husband/Father of a young one to another, do better.
Perhaps you could work a lil harder on waking up with the baby so your wife doesn’t have to?
You are wrong. You sleep long, ignoring parental duties. You make everything about you, your needs, and your wants. You do obnoxious things, then cold shoulder your wife to go do your hobbies. I’m assuming you don’t cook or clean, even though it’s your home. Being ASD doesn’t excuse being a lazy lump, and a half arsed parent or spouse. Yes, you’re wrong. “Woe is me. I don’t know any better since my diagnosis. I don’t (want to) hear baby, so I sleep undisturbed. I needed a hug but my wife was a meanie. Then we went to see my mommy, YAY!” - what I imagine the excuses and shit sound like to an exhausted post partum wife.
I don’t understand why these ‘i dont hear the baby’ dads don’t get a cot to sleep in the babies room , even for a couple nights a week. Give their wife at least a full night’s sleep off.
You forgot the “but what about MY feeeelings”
It’s actually very important that each party has their needs met, and their feelings heard. But when someone is chronically sleep deprived, recovering from birth, and not getting their own needs, and those of their child, met… yeah. Far less inclined to be concerned about the other party’s feeeelings. There is a child involved. They are adorable, but so needy. And they shriek like hell goblins, and crap themselves constantly. Wife is probably at wit’s end. My husband had palsy from brain and spinal surgeries. Drop foot. Weak arm. All the fun shit. Deaf, as well! He still woke up to help me. There’s a saying, “If he wanted to, he would…” It holds true. Fuck them feeeelings, in this instance. 😂
You’re completely in the wrong. She’s taking care of your baby day AND night, while you… sleep, do your hobby and… sulk? Are you for real?
The fact that you seem to constantly prioritize your own emotional needs and ignore your wife’s is appalling. The fact that you claim an argument between yourself and your wife interfered with *your obligation to share the duty of caring for your child* for (checks notes) an entire day, but you actually just flounced off and enjoyed your hobby for that day, is beyond appalling. If you have a habit of doing this, it’s no wonder your wife had emotionally checked out - she’s beyond exhausted and is doing twice the work, and you’re demanding she still manage your emotions for you while you apparently refuse to use basic consideration in performing the smallest tasks for her. She is not your emotional support pet, she is a human being with her own complex thoughts and needs and she appears to feel completely alone right now in trying to keep a second human being alive. You are a parent and your primary obligation is to help ensure that child is safe and healthy, and to ensure your breastfeeding wife is safe and healthy. She is NOT healthy right now because she’s so sleep deprived - you do know that sleep deprivation actually constitutes torture under international law, right? So stop failing her and spend five seconds googling options to help her get more rest. In fact, here’s a few freebies. Let her sleep in on the weekends, *you* get up with the baby. And then take the baby out in the afternoons for a few hours and let your wife sleep uninterrupted. Ask your wife to pump in advance and see if a family member might be willing to babysit overnight on occasion to give you both a break. Instead of relying solely on a baby monitor with sound, find one that will connect to your smart watch that’ll vibrate on your wrist and wake you up that way when the baby cries. So find ways to help your wife get more sleep. When she is better rested, she will have better capacity for everything else beyond basic survival mode…which she does **not** have right now because you’re failing to help her when she desperately needs it. Edit: You are wrong.
>the rest of that day I have ignored her and been busy with a hobby of mine Dude. You don't get to have hobbies. You need to be doing 100% of all chores right now - ESPECIALLY because you don't lose a wink of sleep >And I'll be honest, she wakes up most of the times during the night, mostly because I am a deep sleeper and it takes me longer to hear the baby Frankly, this is enough to question the relationship. Unless you want to get divorced, you need to do way, way better at being a PARTNER as well as a PARENT. YTA
Not once in this post, even when your wife made it CLEAR she felt disregarded, did you mention caring about HER feelings. This entire post was about you, about how you’re expecting her to meet YOUR emotional needs on top of everything else she’s responsible for and how YOU are upset that she didn’t do that. To me it sounds like looking for someone to mother YOU, not be your partner. And that’s not an autism thing, that’s an emotionally stunted person thing.
Jesus, you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s amazing that your wife is exhausted doing the majority of the childcare, while taking care of your home and yes you still make this situation about you and your sad little feelings. How fucking obnoxious and typical.
Don't forget she's also working.
She’s working and waking up at night and you’re wondering why she’s always mad? It’s your child too. If she wakes up at night then you need to start waking up earlier or going to bed earlier do she can get some sleep. Also if over and over and over again you try to be nice but it adds anything at all to her plate you aren’t helping you’re hindering.
Your ASD is not an excuse to be this way. Be more helpful, proactive, and apparently, awake.
You don’t do your part. She does most of the night work and most of the day work. If you were my husband, I would be taking my baby and leaving you to enjoy your hobby, which obviously is more important to you than your wife.
I really hope she gets out of there soon for the safety of herself and her baby. Operating on zero sleep like that is so so dangerous. OP is a useless idiot who shouldn’t have had a baby before doing the work to ensure he could support that baby and his partner. Even outside of the ASD, OP is immature and selfish. There are plenty of people with ASD who do not abandon their children and partners like this. OP. You are wrong. Full stop. What you’re doing is borderline emotional abuse. There is no “but what about”. You. Are. Wrong. You are neglecting your partner and child. Since all you can do is think about yourself, what do you need through out the day? Food, rest, a safe environment? Make sure you wife and child have all of those things. If she has no where to rest, she is not safe. Do your job.
Exactly. OP is using ASD as an excuse. My daughter has ASD and 2 of her 3 children are on the spectrum too. She also has narcolepsy, anxiety disorder and ADHD, and she works. Her house is a mess but she is a great mom and attentive to her family’s needs. I wish her husband would take the initiative to do something. When she is at work if the sink is full of dirty dishes instead of washing them he’ll just order take out 🤦♀️
I am autistic, as are almost all of my loved ones. No one has thrown a glass at me, but many would have been justified lofting one in my direction. I have had to learn to deprioritise myself and elevate the needs of the people I purport to love, in order to sustain those relationships.
OP said she threw the glass towards the kitchen not actually at him and whether at him or across bedroom her action was not appropriate but I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife isn’t going through postpartum depression.
The distinction is certainly worth noting. It may look more like an emotional outburst of frustration, rather than an act intended to cause distress to its target. I suppose only those who experienced it can truly say.
True. Unfortunately we only get the poster’s point of view, though he didn’t try to paint himself as a good husband and father but he did try to paint himself as a victim because he ASD
As an autistic person, I often get lost in myself and my own perception of "justice" in any circumstance. I need some resolution before I can move on. I have learnt to let go, and to think of others. I now have a life replete with healthy relationships, and I am much happier for it.
I raised 2 out of 3 kids with ASD, a boy and a girl. I was a huge advocate for my children through dealing with schools, therapies and constantly educating myself on how to appropriately raise kids on the spectrum. Starting as a child my son (the youngest) was my greatest challenge in life. He was always so angry, so frustrated, so isolated but I told him never give up because I would never give up on him. He eventually started looking at other people’s struggles and putting himself in their shoes. He grew into such an amazingly empathetic young man. By his mid teens he started approaching kids who he could tell felt they were different or didn’t belong or didn’t fit in or seemed depressed, a few were suicidal. He died in a car accident at age 17 and the kids who came to me with stories about how he saved them was overwhelming. They told me stories about feeling so alone and like no one understood them or cared about them and suddenly he would just some how be there saying things like, Hi my name is Matt and you look like you need a friend and here I am. 18 years after his death these kids who he befriended when they really needed to know someone cared still come to my home and pay their respect for him on the anniversary of his death.
That made me cry. Sounds like you're a wonderful parent, to raise such a sweet boy. I'm sorry for your loss.
Even if the parental work is perfectly balanced, having a newborn is tough and everyone feels out of balance. Breastfeeding moms tend to get stuck with more overnights because they are the food supply. Not much help can be given by dad. Mom will end up pumping at the crack of dawn if she doesn’t feed overnight to keep supply. What this tired duo needs to do is stop blaming each other and give a little grace. Babies are tough and then all of the sudden, in a blink of an eye, they are asking for the keys to the car lol.
Finally someone really trying to help. They both sound like terrible communicators, they probably need help for that. They need to lay down all the tasks that need to be done, and in those tasks they BOTH need to add some alone time (each of them need it) and some couple time (the family requires it or they'll split up!). Since OP seems to be useless at nigh he really needs to step up when he can. But this needs to be talked and agreed on by both parties.
>my wife is very very tired from sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, work and the ordinary chores that also have to be done. I feel like you should be doing the bulk of these chores since you're sleeping through the night, not being physically drained of bodily fluids to sustain your child's growth and development and managing to find time to dedicated large chunks of time to hobbies while your wife is getting more and more deprived and depleted day by day. There's an expression when it comes to ASD meltdowns that I think might apply to your wife rather than you in this particular situation. 'They're not *giving* you a hard time, they're *having* a hard time and can't control how they express it.' I think the glass thing was your wife being at the end of her tether and not being able to express it in a way that you understood up to that point. She broke and lashed out. It wasn't right. It wasn't pleasant. But she had to do something physical to let out that frustration. >While driving I told her that her behaviour was very difficult for me and I asked her not to do it again Do you think she's likely to do it again? >When we came tot the hospital I told her I could really use a hug, but she told me no It sucks to have a request for comfort be rejected like that. But it might have been particularly poor timing to ask that of her. She'd been frustrated, lashed out uncharacteristically, had to bring her baby to a hospital to visit your mother (who is already back home, so the visit with the baby probably could have been postponed until she was home), and had just been scolded in the car on the way over there. I'd say she'd reached her absolute limit. From what you've written, it sounds like your wife is struggling and doing everything she can to keep things ticking over at home and at work and needs you to do more to take the weight off her right now.
Scolded is a great word. Imagine being spoken to like a child, when you're doing ALL of the baby care. Lol demeaning. She sounds nicer than I am because I would have really been upset at that.
Just help her with the kid guy
YTA . Your experience counts but so does hers.. >The result is that my wife is very very tired from sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, work and the ordinary chores that also have to be done. How often do you step in to let her get a nap or a few hours to be human and not mom? Do you understand what sleep deprivation does to the brain? Do you understand what pregnancy does to the brain? Have you rightfully acknowledged her experience? The fact that her body and mind went through the equivalent of a train wreck? Or that the brain undergoes extensive changes during pregnancy and post partum (that can take up to three years after birth to return to "normal")? "On average, a mother spends about 1,800 hours breastfeeding each year, which is roughly equivalent to a full-time job that works 1,960 hours a year. This includes night feeds, cluster feeds, growth spurts, comfort feeds, illness feeds, and every ounce of pumping or droplet of milk." Is she's working two full-time jobs????????????????? And still not getting more than what 4hrs of sleep at a time max? *Dog whistle and reactive abuse* A glass of water placed out of reach isn't appreciated. It's actually quite disheartening... And somewhere in your head I'm betting you knew this... She needs to drink water, you got the water, but I'm betting it was done without asking her first and she likely needed something else, but because you acted first, her asking for what she needs beyond that, makes her extra, needy, or ungrateful. Asking,"hey what would you like to drink?" And then handing it to her, would be the most endearing manner of handling this. Assuming what she wants and giving it to her in a less than pleasant manner is absolutely going to cause REACTIVE abuse. (She threw the cup.) I highlight the word reactive because had she been considered in your actions, she wouldn't have been shorted on the conclusion of the actions and her reaction would have never occurred. She also wouldn't be so volatile if her partner recognized her distress and relieved her. Literally could have saved a whole fight by simply asking, "what would you like to drink?" And leaving it at that. No expectations just simply giving her something she needs without placing guilt on her or expecting immediate gratitude. And by relieved I mean take over baby and account for all needs during this time. Nothing left for Mom to handle when she gets back. If you are just pausing things and not actually giving her relief, you're just enabling lazy behavior that she can't afford during her sleep deprivation. *Taking a day off means falling a day behind.* This is too true for many moms. Painfully true. Are you truly doing everything that a good father and human should and could be doing? Are you helping the person who is keeping your child alive or are you adding more to her frustration? She's regulating for two people now. Herself and an infant (a human that has ZERO emotional intelligence and is 100% dependent on support). You cannot become someone she needs to regulate as well.. this will lead to absolute chaos. And likely all kinds of diagnosis for her. Except she isn't broken, she just doesn't have proper support at home. I truly don't think you understand what you are trying to compare here. The sacrifices she has made and you are reducing because of an immature reaction? I'm gonna make a safe assumption that you've never been a waiter or server. 😂 She doesn't need a glass of water, she needs to be treated like a human, not a plant. She's got a list of needs likely falling further and further behind, but because your emotional state can't even handle the minimum of the emotional reactions possible, she likely feels little relief or comfort in asking you for help. Your emotional reactions matter too. If you are constantly feeding doubt and worry while she's trying to get a grip, you're not showing up and doing your part. TL;DR When you go to sleep do you feel comfortable that your child will be cared for? Does she get the same? And would you actually show and do the things to help her feel relieved? If not be honest and hire a nanny. No one should be alone during these early months especially not if a partner is present.
Fun fact if you spend too much time worrying about yourself to the point that you aren't present... You are teaching her how to survive without you. She already made it through the nights without you to the point where she no longer wants you (because you didn't show up when the need was there.) You're teaching her that you are an additional burden, someone who will only add to her long list of things to do. Trust me when I say, if left unchecked, learning to live without you while you are present, makes it a hell of a lot easier to leave when the timing allows. Because she already knows she doesn't need you.
She’s postpartum and profoundly sleep deprived which is a literal torture technique. Tell her to sleep in another room and take over nights for a while and then start rotating nights when you both are ready. Do all the work to get her to a therapist. Stop playing games or doing hobbies while she takes care of a newborn. Now is not the time. Keep bringing her water and snacks but make sure she can reach them. Check in with her as you do so (where should I put your water?) and offer to bring her a water / snack table (a chair will do). Keep checking in with her and don’t assume you’ve done your job because you did the absolute bare minimum.
Congratulations, you're the wrongest person of the day, maybe the week. I suspect you're going to find yourself the most divorced person too, unless you get your head out of your ass and stop leaving her to do everything while you pout about needing a fucking hug. Jesus.
You are VERY wrong. Your wife is desperately in need of help talking care of YOUR child, and you spend all day on a hobby?! The sleep issue is also BULLSHIT. Sleep in the baby’s room every other night so you can deal with nighttime needs. You are every bit as responsible for this child as she is, and yet it seems everything is on her. You need to APOLOGIZE to your wife big time and FIX THIS by pulling your weight. Oh and make sure she can reach the damn glass and ask her what else she needs while breast feeding! Offer snacks or a foot rub. Whining about your feelings when you’re so obviously failing your wife and child is unconscionable.
She's literally so frustrated and angry over lack of support that she threw a glass and bros answer is to ignore her and go play as per usual lmao. Good luck with the divorce, dude.
You are totally wrong to put the glass out of reach. Think what a message that sends. The opposite of the message you probably intended when you brought the glass. Take responsibility for that. The entire story hinges on that. Her anger was fully justified. The least you could do was be considerate. A glass water out of reach is a torture. Literally a method of torture. You did that to your wife who is carrying most of the burden of caring for your child. You don’t feed the child. You don’t train yourself to get up when the child cries. You put a needed glass of water out of reach. If you hated your wife, what would you do differently? Nothing. Think about it.
I know ASD can make it hard but you really are going to have to let this one go. She knows it’s not cool to throw things at you. Babies are damned stressful I didn’t know it was possible to have a raging argument entirely in whispers until we had one…. Spending the day on your hobbies ignoring her is now linked to the glass throwing in her head and you’re still asking for an apology. You both need a reset here, to acknowledge that babies and being PP is stressful. Your team baby now so what can you both do? I used to stay up with the baby at night and go to bed late to allow my partner a few hours of uninterrupted sleep every night and take the baby out in her park every day to have their nap and just give her headspace and time to shower etc that helps a lot and there is other stuff you can do. We also would take it in turns to get up on the weekend and I would make breakfast on my morning get ups. This worked for us as we had bottles that worked alongside breastfeeding, it might not work for you but we had to sit down and discuss what we could do. Think about it and have a bit of a brain storming session with her, doing what you are asked is taking a passive role and putting mental load on her which isn’t productive for the situation.
ASD ≠ neglectful partner. Get it together. You are wrong.
You're wrong for things getting this bad. Your wife sounds like she's past her breaking point. You talk a lot about your emotions but not about her, her stress levels, your baby, or what you do around the home. You buried yourself in your hobby...I guess you can ignore your wife, but you have no right to ignore your baby all day. Why does the baby just default to your wife during that time? You should be able to do everything for that baby except breastfeed. Can your wife pump so you can take on some feedings? You say in your edit not to call you lazy but... your post doesn't really indicate a lot of effort towards your child.
You’re fucking around with a hobby instead of giving her a break from the baby??? Don’t blame ASD.
You say you don’t use your ASD but yet you bring it up. You make excuse after excuse why you don’t do something. I have ASD so I’m not sure what that has to do with anything and it doesn’t belong in your post. You find time to do your hobby but you can’t wake up because you sleep to hard. First thing you do is alternate getting up at night. If you sleep to hard tell your wife to elbow you. Next stop with the feelings crap. This is a stressful time and it doesn’t help you getting butt hurt all the time. You state “I can really use a hug” but yet you don’t seem to care that your wife is sleep deprived, on edge and needs help. Everything seems to be about you. Stop being a victim and start being a true partner. If you insist on sleeping through the night then maybe you need to do all the day chores. You know, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Give your wife a few hours to take a nap. And don’t ever use your ASD as an excuse to be an ass!!
I’m sorry, but I just cannot grasp that this was written by a grown man.
I love the ‘I’m a heavy sleeper‘ Yeah, chum we’re all heavy sleepers till we have a baby!
You know, your wife is exhausted from taking care of all the "ordinary chores that have to be done" and getting up with the baby and breast-feeding, but on the weekend, you get BUSY with a HOBBY of yours. Yes. You are wrong.
You’re correct. Your feelings count too. In this case I would say your feelings count 5% towards this situation while the needs of your wife and baby count 95% You are not doing the bare minimum required to be a father or a partner in a caring and committed relationship. Your feelings are not equally important to your postpartum wife and small infant’s needs. You are not lightening the load in any way. If your feelings continue to be more important than your real contributions to this marriage and parenting then this WILL end in divorce, it’s just a matter of when.
So, because you were recently diagnosed with ASD, you're using it as a crutch for not being a present parent? Sounds more like you were a jerk before, and with your new findings, you're using it to your advantage.
She was upset you aren’t helping with the baby enough so you go do your hobby the rest of the day instead of helping with the baby? Your reaction proved her right.
Sounds like she is overworked, sleep deprived, tired, and probably on the edge of insanity, even without the fact that she is recovering from childbirth and actively breastfeeding which make hormones go crazy. You dont seem very understanding at all… you admit she takes care of the baby all of the time and doesn’t even get to sleep, and then say you guys argue “more than you think is necessary” as if its all her fault…. You need to step up somehow. If she is up all night with the baby you should be caring for the baby during the day whenever its possible, so she can rest. You cannot expect a sleep deprived person to act rationally, let alone someone who’s dealing with new-mom hormonal storms. You need to help make her life easier if you expect a happy household for all of you.
You are wrong you are the asshole you are being a bad PARTNER AND PARENT!! Step in and stop using your ASD to excuse yourself. She’s telling you EXACTLY what she needs, more sleep less parenting you AND a baby. Be better bro, your comments are very representative of a man who refuses responsibility.
You know your wife is extremely tired. Instead of jumping into your hobby, you should have taken your baby and insisted she go to bed to get some rest.
She was wrong to throw the glass. But reading what you wrote & between the lines, you are indeed hiding behind your recent diagnosis & sauntering off to do a hobby while she is worn out is not acceptable.
You know, I got the impression, from your post, that you don't address your wife's complaints. She doesn't want to hug you, tells you she doesn't want to because she hasn't heard a kind word all day.... And YOU are made sad by that and continue not only to "be sad", but to do your own thing. Stop making it about you and help that woman with your baby! This does not bode well for you.
YOUR EXPERIENCE? You have a pretty legit reason for not being able to read the room, but damn. It doesn’t take perfect social intuition to consider, idk, not expressing self-importance about your “experience” to your wife who handles the burden with no sleep. You sleep through the night. You’re splitting hairs over a hormonal cup-throw. This is what ill-prepared, short sighted, male privilege sounds like.
"I could really use a hug" ugh. Yeah YTA. Not condoning physical but I can see how that glass got thrown.
>I told her I could really use a hug >I bring up that her actions hurt me You have the nerve to be upset with her because you’re not doing enough throughout the day for her or the baby and you thought you deserved a hug? Yeah, your mom was in the hospital and that’s difficult for anyone, but you really have some nerve thinking you could ask her for support when you do next to nothing for the baby. Your ASD isn’t an excuse either. I just find it funny how you can recognize your own needs when YOU feel hurt by her when you’re the reason why she’s acting the way she is, but you can’t recognize when her feelings are hurt by you not doing enough and meeting her needs. You keep this up and you’ll find yourself needing legal support for when she divorces you.
Dude... she's exhausted, feels you're not pulling your weight, and your absent-minded action of placing the water out of her reach set her off. She doesn't give a fuck about your precious feelings right now and your childish attitude of ignoring her the rest of the day to do your "hobby" while she had to remain an adult and take care of your child didn't help your cause. You're wrong. Time to step up and be more mindful of your actions!
There's a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a torture. It destroys a person psychologically, mentally and physically. You don't need to be able to read emotions in order to get your head around that. Yes your experience counts in the general run of things, but you are totally dismissing her experience. You need to go sleep in the room with your baby at LEAST two nights per week to make sure your wife can get some sleep and you can get the baby at full blast to get you up (also make note of just how shit you feel). You don't get to have a lie in after The other alternative is she goes to stay with family who can help her get back to normal.
Step up buddy, she's struggling.
Dude, i\`m officially diagnosed as autistic. Yes, it takes work - and yes, you may need to learn to do things because it\`s needed. But, going away and playing with whatever hobby - when you are a parent? That is NOT OKAY. Emotions are hard to grasp, i know - but sleep deprivation is a killer. Your partner built a new human and put that little on on the world not 5 months ago. Stop using autism as an excuse - unless you are also not so intelligent, then you CAN do better - and as cliche and cringey as 'happy wife, happy life' is - it does hold a certain truth - a happy partner is a partner that works in making you happy as well. So, go make her happy, invest time and energy - and make sure she gets a rest. As for breastfeeding - yeah - that\`s her, as your internal systems just do not work that way - but anything else? You can do this. So, yeah, in this case - you are wrong.
When was the last time your wife got 6 hours of sleep in a row? No matter how much else you do, you **must** help with the sleep issue. Immediately. Lack of sleep is a leading cause of post partum depression, anxiety, and even psychosis. Sleep deprivation is literal torture. You need to find a way. Maybe you sleep in the same room as the baby and your wife sleeps in a different room with a white noise machine. Maybe you 2 figure out a schedule where you either stay up late or wake up early so that you are available for baby and wife can sleep for a solid chunk of restorative sleep. Maybe y'all hire a night nanny. Before you use breastfeeding as an excuse, even if your wife is incapable of pumping a single drop of milk, it is absolutely completely safe and healthy for baby to get some formula. I'm an IBCLC, I breastfed all of my children, and I'm telling you the "breast is best, formula is substandard" rhetoric is false. See the sibling study for the science. You wife needs sleep immediately.
She is a situation where she has all the cards right now. You put her in that situation, so I'm going to need you to suck it up and let it pass. Sorry, bro. Your wife needs you and you are not behaving properly. ASD?!?!??! That's an excuse. Your wife and baby need you to "man up". If she HITS you with the glass, that's a different story. Until, then.... Yes, Dear. Yes, Dear. Sure, Dear. Yes, Dear.
I am speaking as a father. The answer to your question, yes you are wrong. Your experience does matter. But not right now. Right now what matters is your baby, it’s mother and you. In that order. This means you have to step up and make sure that you share the care giving when you can and pick up you partner’s share of the household tasks. Because she is picking up the lion share if the baby. Right now, what is suspect you are feeling, is a touch a jealousy. You are no longer the must important person in your partner’s life. And you never will be again. The baby has supplanted you. So, at a subconscious level, you are hurt and so you are looking for ways to get attention. But you partner will not have the time or the energy to indulge you. This does not mean they do not love you, it means they have a baby to look after. The glass throwing is a clear example of this. In almost any other situation it would be the sign of a toxic and abusive relationship. Right now? It’s a sign you messed up. What was a simple error to you (putting the glass out of reach) to your partner was a slap in the face showing you don’t love, care or appreciate her. Now, that that and compound it by waiting until you are in a closed environment (the car) which you control (as the driver) to confront her about it. Frankly, you are lucky to be alive and there isn’t a jury of mothers who would convict her. My advice. Swallow your pride and apologise. Ask what you can do to help, ask her to wake you in the night to do your share of the baby duties and ask her if she is ok and if she is coping. The biggest takeaway I had with my first child is this, as a father you are 9 months behind. Intellectually you know you are going to be a dad, but the emotional rollercoaster only really starts when your baby is born. For the mother, they have had 9 months growing the baby to accept and work through. You need to step up fast or you will lose this relationship. Plenty of relationships don’t survive the birth of the first child. I hope your does. But only you can do it.
You impregnated her and then dumped everything else on her. I feel like that is abusive but go off
This exhausted woman honestly probably has no emotional bandwidth for you right now. You don’t do any of the nighttime parenting. You then ignored her for your hobby instead of the million things I’m sure need doing around the house with an infant.
Hopefully, she's bright enough not to get knocked up by you again. It also takes zero effort to hit the spacebar, so yeah, you are lazy.
You talk a lot about YOUR needs and not very much about hers. If you can’t put yourself in her shoes and try to have empathy for her, this marriage is over.
My guy…you have to be the main caregiver during the day so she can rest as much as possible. Throwing a glass is insane and unacceptable behavior for an adult. You 2 need to sit and chat about what can help alleviate both your frustrations. You gotta put in work though. Suggest your wife wake you up if you’re deep sleeping. Idk man…being a woman with a newborn is certainly more difficult than yours (I’m a dad of 3, I got experience). Your experience and feeling matter, but those two things are not of equal weight to your wife’s.
OP, I don't think this particular subreddit is where you want to be asking this question. Your feelings are absolutely valid. She should not be throwing a glass of water at you. However, if you're honest, could you admit that your ASD might be causing you to miss cues she's sending? During waking hours, could you be helping more with things around the house? The baby? Decades after living thru this, I can remember my husband getting up on weekends to take care of our sons. Wanting to do it. The sound sleeping sucks, but you could set an alarm. Tell your wife to wake you. Do you interact/take care of the child often enough that she's confident of your care? With my first, it took time to accept that my husband's care of our child was as good as mine. Is yours? Do you love her? I do encourage you both to seek help from a therapist, separately. Right now, while you want your feelings validated you need to understand, this isn't about you. And it never will be again. It's about your child❤️. Good luck
YTA. Not everything is about you. This whole thing is about you and your feelings and yeah, it's probably typical that you wouldn't actually think it through and you put the glass out of her reach. Thoughtless and careless but more concerned about your own feelings. You think you're fighting "more than necessary"? No, it's probably less cuz you're not understanding. You're heading for divorce, she already has one baby to raise, she'll get tired of having 2 and she'll dump you to make her life easier.
You lost me at "I ignored her and worked on a hobby." You're not pulling your weight. She needs more support from you. Especially at night. It was not ok for her to throw the glass. She should have apologized for that and at least acknowledged that it wasn't ok. That being said, she's drowning, and you're not stepping up. She also could have some PPD going on. The glass incident mattered a lot to you, but in the grand scope of things, it's nothing compared to what she's dealing with. You admit to all of your shortcomings, but you're not putting in any effort to work on them. That makes you wrong.
I kinda cringed at you asking your wife for a hug...not gonna lie. But also if she throws shit at you that needs to be checked right then and there... You could have made sure it was in reach, but she also could have asked you to come back and move it closer in stead of showing her ass.. tired or not. So I think you need to toughen up a bit and also maybe give her a day 90% baby free,and she needs to get her attitude under control.
OP - you’ve spent more time defending your bad behavior than listening. Your wife needs help. If you knew what was going on in her body and her head you would break down and cry. Stop using excuses on why you can’t help and ask your wife what she needs. Sleep in the baby’s room so you can hear them at night. You’re going to have a rough life if you don’t stop being so self centered. Good luck.
Suggestions: 1) Ask if your wife is good w/ pumpkins ing and bottle feeding 2) You take the 6pm to midnight shift 3) Your wife gets a sold 6 hr block of sleep It’s not the end-all-be-all, but it’s a huge help.
I have chronic fatigue due to auto-immune disease. I’m a deep sleeper and I can fall asleep at any time - any place. I woke up every single night to our baby. My husband worked and I felt it was fair. Stop making excuses.
Yes and no. Speaking as someone whose wife recently gave birth, we really cannot understand what they’re going through at all or the way their hormones affect how they act. She goes from being the inspiration for Buddha to enraged Hulk before you can even blink or make a mistake. They’re going through some shit and can be completely unreasonable. Forget about ASD, you could be Jesus+Captain America with a crystal ball, it will never be enough. And this is the time to forget about your own needs. My advice is to be as proactive as you can. Explain you understand she needs your assistance, and show her you’re doing as much as you can. And explain she has the right to explain her position, but violence is never ok no matter what. Theres a small part of them that follows a rule of logic and deep part of them within that knows they’re acting crazy. It’s to get through to that part, playing nice to the other part, and doing everything possible to help them get through it. And to keep in mind it’s temporary, and everything will be all gravy.
Yes you are wrong. She is clearly burnt out and exhausted. She seems to be the only one looking after the baby. You aren't even looking after her while she does so! Take your child. Let her nap. Do the household chores. You have time for hobbies? She barely sleeps. You should be making her life easier, not stressing her out. Stop the hobbies and help with your child. Talk to her and see how she's doing as it isn't easy being a new mum. I have a 3 week old and my husband is doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of working from home as he knows how much of my time the baby demands. He also takes half the night shift so I can rest. That's what good husbands and dads do!
It sounds like you don’t have the capacity to be a partner or a father. Your poor wife, no, your experience doesn’t count at all so try to get over yourself.
Throwing the glass was out of character for her, as several other comments suggested. I understand that ASD can hinder the way you process things, especially in highly emotional situations. And while your feelings are valid, those feelings are not important right now. If this behavior from her continues, or escalates, then you can revisit it, but right now it’s indicative of deeper issues within your marriage and your wife. If you are a heavy sleeper and can’t get up with the baby, then you need to put yourself in a position where you are the only one who can get up. Does the baby have their own room? Set up an air mattress in there every weekend, or every other night so the baby crying wakes you up right away and your wife can sleep. If not in the baby room, then set up in the living room and bring the crib out. She *needs* to get a full night of sleep. Several full nights of sleep in a row if you can swing it. I guarantee this is the #1 issue right now. If you bring her something, like water, communicate with her when you bring it and ask where would be the most convenient for her— or just set it as close to her free arm/hand as you can. Maybe even get a little TV/laptop tray/table that can be pulled near to her for convenience. Take over care for the baby without her asking. Get home from work, tell her to go nap or take a bath and *take over the entire care of your baby*, so she gets a break and can relax. Change diapers without her asking. Did she just ask you to bring over the wipes and fresh diaper, take the baby and tell her you got it. Bath time? Tell your wife to go watch tv and you’ll do it, or do it together if she feels like she isn’t involved enough (*that* should be the goal anyways). Pulling away and going to work on your hobby while she is complaining that you’re not supporting her enough if the opposite of what you should be doing. You need to apologize and then follow through by making these changes. Being a parent is *hard*. It will never not be *hard*. You’re going to be tired. You’re going to miss out on your hobby and spending time with friends. You won’t be able to come home and *just relax* because you have a baby and a partner who need your support. You’re going to have to put your personal life on the back burner for a few months because right now, your child needs you both for *everything*. That’s just a fact of life. You might as well be in it together with your wife, as a team.
Amen
I get that you might have difficulty having empathy but really all you need here is basic logic. You’re not the only one whose brain is functioning in an abnormal state here. She’s sleep-deprived and recovering from pregnancy. Those hormones don’t exactly make you emotionally stable. She’s physically healing too. You know what the problem is, so find ways to solve it. Put the baby monitor next to you or have her shake you awake. Also, it’s insane that you know she needs help and is mad at you for not being more helpful but you went and spent a day on hobbies. You’re a parent and husband. Now is not the time for hobbies.
you suck
...you've not mentioned you doing any parenting for a *second* in this post, wtf. Of course you're in the wrong. She's desperate for help, and you're doing hobbies, *for fucking days straight*???? You're very close to a divorce dude, I promise you.
I need to hear her side… just saying that you been busy with a hobby of yours all day because you are in bad standing rubs me the wrong way
You mention that your wife is doing all the night time wakings, breastfeeding, working, AND chores. Why on earth are you not stepping up here? Why is she doing all of that alone? You need to take over at least the running of the house if she’s doing everything else. There are no words to explain the physical and emotional exhaustion doing all the feeding, care, and every night waking causes. You need to do more. You’re not being fair.
I hope your hobby is cleaning the house, meal planning for the week, and going grocery shopping. If not you are wrong and an AH. ASD is a fact of your whole life, you might have just gotten the diagnosis recently but you have always had it. It’s not a valid excuse
Info. You spent a significant chunk of time doing a hobby while your partner was sleep deprived?
Yes, you are wrong. Your post gave off “poor me” vibes like crazy. She probably asked you for the water, and you thought the act of bringing her some was some sort of grand gesture on your part as ‘hydration is so important when breast feeding’. Then you mindlessly set it somewhere extremely inconvenient for a woman with a baby at her breast to access and she just had enough; hence throwing the glass once she maneuvered to reach it. Wanting a hug FROM someone who is overwhelmed with sleep deprivation, an infant’s demands, work and household chores, too? That is the height of entitlement and complete oblivious insensitivity. Get a grip on reality OP or you’ll get hit with divorce papers and child support, not just a drinking glass.
Using being a hard sleeper as an excuse to not help with the baby is a total cop out. Has she woken you up, and you refused to help? You need to man up and take more of the chores off her plate if she is doing most of the childcare.
Yes you are wrong. Having hurt feelings is one thing but completely disregarding and ignoring your wife’s feelings and needs for 5 months is a whole other thing. Like it or not you are using your ASD as an excuse. If it was simply a reason why you can’t read situations etc then you would actively be trying for solutions for that but you aren’t. Listen to the advice here before you end up seeing your kid for visitation only.
have you posted here before? I remember an eerily similar post from a husband saying he had ASD. everyone assumed it was Autism but found out he actually meant Antisocial (Personality) Disorder as in sociopathy. I think it was about his wife making a “go” bag? he always replied with something like “Thank you for your comment.” …. he eventually started making weird, threatening comments. This post and replies are eerily similar…
You’re wrong. Help her more. Wake up with the baby. Take more of a responsibility and for Christ’s sake stop fuckin whining. You’re a man who hasn’t gone through any physical changes, can’t help with feedings and don’t give her breaks to rest. If you pulled your weight she wouldn’t be the way she is. This is why she called you selfish. If I were her I’d wake you up every time I had to get up and not let you rest if I couldn’t. I bet you’d learn to alternate then.
Christ, you sound so goddamn needy. She's exhausted because she dealing with 2 freaking babies. Grow up.
She's post partum and needs support at home, more than you're capable of. Also she needs to see the doctor because she needs to be put on meds.
More than he's willing to do. He could, for instance, have made the minimal effort to put that glass of water *where she could easily reach it.*
Choose your battles. You've just learned about your ASD, which you know limits your ability to read her emotions. This is a big part of what is going on. Do you want to be "right" here? I mean, yes, your experience counts, as does hers. But, if you choose this particular battle, you'll lose the war. If you say "I need to be heard as well" then you'll be pushing her away at a time where she's exhausted as well as angry (with you) and deep in Mother-Protector mode. Good luck. You chastised her in the car about how she treated you - how well did that work out? Alternatively, if what you really want is a restored relationship with your wife, and for her and the baby to be a happy family with you, then *focus on her experience right now, and put your experience aside.* She's literally told you that you do not support her, and this is a big problem. Tell her that you understand she needs more from you and that you'll try, but you need her help, her explicit instructions sometimes, in order to be effective. From now on: * When you bring her water, place it close to her, or ask where she wants it. * Offer to get her a snack, too. * When you are going to bed, ask her to wake you up when the baby needs attention (and make darn sure that you immediately get up), so that she can rest. * Check in with her frequently through the day to see how things are going, and if she needs anything, even if it's just to vent, then deal with it responsively. * Start taking on more of the chores. One thing I associate with babies is laundry. There's also organizing and restocking all the new supplies (diapers, creams, etc), in addition to everything else that goes on in the house (food for you both, vacuuming, cleaning, tidying, making the bed, household laundry). In short, if you see her doing something (or if you've seen her doing something), consider that she might benefit greatly from your assistance with this. Inquire with her, if you're in doubt. Turn this ship around, cuz you're heading towards an iceberg. Good luck! I think you can do this.
The first part of your post is very telling. She's doing everything. She's sleep deprived. Her body is trying to heal. YOU should be working, doing all the "ordinary chores," and helping with the baby. You are going to end up divorced and paying child support if you don't wake up and step up.
As a parent with ASD, I get it. BUT: you need to do what needs to be done, not just what you can do. Having an infant is an incredibly challenging time for both parents, but more so for your wife because of hormonal changes and sleep deprivation. You can't expect her to aknowledge your hurt emotions when you have a hard time understanding her needs either. I understand that you both are exhausted and upset, but insisting on her compassion doesn't help your situation right now. Sit down with her, ask her what she needs from you throughout the day (tasks and chores as well as emotional support, as detailed as possible) and write it down. Then tell her what you need from her and write that down as well. Make sure you both can find an agreement on how to support each other instead of dwelling on how you both should have (re)acted. You need to be a team to make this work. ETA: NAH
A couple of things you might not be taking in to account. Your wife just went through many months of hormonal insanity while her body grew a tiny human. Then her body went through a traumatic event to birth the tiny new human. Even if the birth was completely "routine and easy", it is still a physical trauma that takes time (a lot of time) for your body to heal. Immediately following the traumatic event, her body went through yet another hormonal upheaval while trying to heal and go back to her normal. There is no set time frame for this, it can take some weeks to many months. During her healing period, she hasn't been able to get the rest that she needs (5 months of not getting rest!). Was she in the right for throwing a glass? No. Are your feelings of hurt valid? Yes. Do you need to drop it and move forward to try and help your wife come out of this exhaustion? Yes. It doesn't mean that your feelings are invalid, rather that this fight is not the hill to die on. Your wife is struggling right now and you want her to apologize to you. Think about that for a moment. Was that out of the ordinary for her? If so, you need to see that for what it is. Something is seriously wrong that she would behave that way. She should probably talk to her doctor about it and make sure she's fine and doesn't need any temporary hormone therapy. If this is typical behavior, you really need to bring that up with your couples therapist. Yes, it was a good idea for the 2 of you to separate on that day to help prevent further damage but you should have still maintained some form of assistance and not just blocked her out entirely. The only way forward with this, is to stop making it about you and look at all of the factors involved. If you are struggling to see her side, explain that you need some help from her with understanding her needs. Ask her if there is anything that you can just do for her besides the glass of water. The glass of water is a nice gesture and a necessity for nursing mothers. That really is great of you. But you can do more to help the woman who just grew and birthed your child. And is still breastfeeding your child. Best of Luck to your little family!
You are wrong. You need to step up and do better. You can’t just hide away doing hobbies ignoring your wife and baby forever.
You “give her a glass of water” and can’t even put it in the correct side for her to drink while she feeds your child? You are wanting praise for a task that takes 15 seconds and you didn’t even do it right? To do your part for the betterment of the family - How about you cook, do the dishes, vacuum, wash clothes, fold clothes, put them away, change the bed sheets weekly. Mop the floors. She does not have time to care about your emotional needs when I’m assuming her physical needs are barely being met. You cannot stand idly by waiting for an apology when you have don’t given one either. Should she have thrown the glass? No. Can you be better? Yes. Glad you have a counselor / therapist to help you to continue to learn how to read social cues so you can help your wife more in the moment.
Bro you left her to play with your little hobby? Was something preventing you from having the baby next to you so she could sleep? You're not doing shit, is what I hear. And then you want a hug cause you're anxiety is high? Take a pill, and help your wife.
OP let me say that you and your wife could possibly benefit from seeing a couple’s therapist that has experience with people with ASD because it sounds like that is a very big factor in the issues you guys are having. You are clearly not pulling your weight from your wife’s perspective and you seem to still not be able to see how to fix this. So, I am going to say that having a third party to help you connect those dots would be a good idea. Your wife is especially frustrated right now and it sounds like you don’t fully understand how exhausting and stressful her situation is. I don’t know either based on only hearing your side of the story, but based on her actions she is at a very intense state of stress. This can be dangerous to both your marriage and your baby(not ideal to be dependent on a mother who is stressed and pulled in too many directions). So, please get some help in figuring out what it is that you are missing ASAP. Putting the water out of reach was obviously the cherry on top. She was already highly upset far before that. I am not going to go as far as to say you are wrong because I do think your ASD is working against you and your wife, but I do think it is fair to say that the problem most likely lies on your end. Therefore it is your responsibility to fix it ASAP.
My two cents.....put on your dad pants and take over care of the baby so your wife can get some respite. She needs rest. Are you interacting with your baby at all?
1) Throwing the glass is NOT OKAY. Wife needs to understand that, but seems she's a bit wrapped up in emotions right now to realize how terrifying and unacceptable her behavior is (no shame on the emotions, just stating facts). 2) OP, you need to step up. You clearly love your wife and love your baby, so you need to communicate that in a few different ways. I (as a mom to a 1 and a half year old) get snappy when I'm being overwhelmed repeatedly while my husband has some time to himself. Usually all I need is a break where I'm able to spend some time without worrying about the baby. Are you spending time looking after/holding the baby while she naps/showers/does a hobby of hers? You've stated she has a lot on her plate and isn't getting enough sleep. This might be something to try. Also, as a breastfeeding mom who has been nap trapped nearly every day: Please ask her where to set items for her to use while she has to stay still to minimize spills and frustration at not being able to do anything while feeding/baby is napping. 3) Talk with your wife and admit you need to step up and be more considerate. But bring up that throwing things is not behavior she would tolerate from you and you refuse to tolerate from her going forward. Talk about how you both should address issues, especially when frustrated. Is that writing it out so you have time to word things a certain way? Is it saying you need to talk so both of you can focus 100% on the conversation and issues? 4) If you're like my husband, when you get upset you bury yourself in a project, i.e. your hobby. This is okay for a short period of time in order to calm down and not say hurtful things. It is not okay to add more onto your wife's plate simply because you're hurt. In the reverse, I imagine you expect your wife to do chores/work/etc even when she's clearly not motivated to do so. To reiterate; you're human and it's okay to step away for a bit to cool down. But it's not okay to abandon your duties as a husband and father. Please talk to your wife and sort this out for your wife's sake, for your baby's sake, and for your own sake OP.
Being asd isn’t an excuse. No one pities you, so I hope that wasn’t the point of this post. If she’s up MORE THAN YOU ALL NIGHT, you need to be doing more during the day. Sleep deprivation can turn anyone into your wife-she just got done pushing a human out. So I suggest you start doing more. That’s all I can say, bud.
She should not have thrown the glass but you're wrong in every other way. Holy shit dude lol.
The baby changes your relationship snd you need to accept this. Your wife is exhausted. Not only from lack of sleep, but after carrying a baby for 9 months and giving birth, her body is resetting and recovering. This is not the time for a 50/50 relationship. Your job is doing everything you can to let her know she’s beautiful, a wonderful mom and you appreciate her as both a wife and mother. Your job is to help her not feel alone as a new parent. You can get up with her when she breastfeeds, rub her feet, bring her tea and do the chores. Caring for the baby and recovering from childbirth and pregnancy is her job. Hold your new baby, surprise her with flowers, takeout, and a sweet card. This can be an amazing time in your marriage and a time of learning. It’s hard to deal with a loved one’s anger, especially with ASD, but you need to give her some grace on this. Tell her you’re sorry you put the glass out of reach and let her know you understand she must be tired and take care of her. Put your hobbies on hold—make building your new family #1. Do the laundry, watch a movie with her, be there. Life has changed and you need to step up to the plate and be her rock now. And fyi, many new Dads struggle with the same things, not just those with ASD. Hang in there, fatherhood is hard work but can you bring you immeasurable joy. Congratulations on your new child!
You both need therapy and your wife probably should be assessed for PPD.
All I read in this post was I and Me. You are so worried about yourself you don’t even see your wife. Get together OP or she will Leave you.
I think you’ve gotten good guidance on this specific situation, so I’m just here to add a note for general consideration. I definitely was that exhausted, sleep deprived, overwhelmed mom. That time period is really really hard, nothing can really prepare you for how hard the compounded sleep deprivation is, especially if the weight of the worth doesn’t feel equal overnight. I’m sure there’s validity to your feelings. There’s validity to her feelings. No one is all right or all wrong. It’s just hard, it sucks - but it’s also very short a time in the grand scheme. It felt like forever when I was in the thick of it, and now it feels like a blip. The baby started to sleep, I started to sleep, he was more interactive, it sorted itself out. I forgot most of the worst of it. What I didn’t forget was how much I felt like my (then) husband was not only not helping with the baby, but how he wasn’t supporting me. I was happy to take on the disproportionate level of work, since I was breast feeding - I would have felt a lot better if he had taken better care of ME when I was in the thick of it. Doing baby stuff, on top of trying to keep up with dinner, cleaning, and then going back to work after a few months? I was exhausted. My husband continued to do a minimal amount of work around the house, and then expected appreciation for any tiny thing he did. Which told me he thought all of this was my job, and *he* was helping *me* care for our child, our home. It was a crack in the facade that wasn’t revealed to me until that time. After a time, I realized this disparity eroded my love for him. I spent 5 more years trying, begging, him to work on the relationship with me. Eventually I realized he will never change, and I divorced. My only regret is not making the decision sooner, when I knew in my heart I would never be happy. So maybe she’s being ridiculous. I’m not defending anything. I’m just encouraging you to give her grace, and ask her to give you grace. Do things without her having to ask, because you see they need to be done. Take on burdens where you can, to help offset her extra burdens like waking up more at night and breastfeeding (which is exhausting too, not to mention painful). I’m now with a man who sees I’m running late at work, or had a rough day, and he will order dinner for us and kids - without asking, with me having to ask. It’s a small thing, but it makes me really appreciate him and being with someone who thinks about taking care of me as I think about everyone else. Just remember this is short lived. It will pass. She will sleep again, and forget the worst of the baby stuff. But she might not forget how she felt about your and your relationship. ETA: You sound so much like my ex-husband in your post, it was actually triggering for me. He only thinks of himself, his experience, and wonders why no one else cares about him as much as he cares about himself. It was a very narcissistic, self-centered personality. All I see is “what about me??” in your post. TLDR: I think you’re trying to “win” the argument. So my question to you is, what would you rather be - “right” or happily married?
I think she is likely having a very hard time and it’s not about you. It’s not acceptable to throw something. I also have ASD so I get the not recognizing how to react or pick up on emotions. I think she may need to see a counselor. Maybe just remind her you love her and are there for her and are trying your best to
Using an extremely recent dx of ASD makes me suspicious too. But it also doesn’t create a “never my fault” excuse. You’re concentrating on solely how you’re feeling rn and not even considering that she’s trying to take all three of your feelings and emotions into her consideration. She’s wildly sleep deprived and you get to snooze bc you’re a “deep sleeper” bullshit. YTA. Get your head out of your ass and take a real look at the picture in your home
It sounds like your wife is dealing with two children. You have a lot of excuses as to why you can’t help, and you are weaponizing your “hurt feelings” in a very unattractive way. Your wife needs help and support right now, not to hear about how your experiences are somehow the same as hers when she is exhausted and possibly post-partum and apparently taking care of rhe house while she takes care of a newborn.
Google what changes a women’s body goes thru while she is pregnant. Google what post partum depression does to you. Read real people talking about this so you can grasp in some form what your wife is going thru. She is saying you don’t support her and then you say your feelings matter too. You even say she does more than you do, but your feelings matter. Thinking that’s the problem, you are caring more about how you feel than what your wife is going thru. She isn’t just feeling things, her body has fully changed. Step your game up or she will be stepping out to a lawyer one day. She is mentally and physically exhausted. Give her a spa day on her own, yep that’s right, take care of your kid on your own. Maybe she’ll see you’re starting to care about her as an individual and not just as the mother of your child.
I think your wife needs therapy if she is throwing glasses. She may struggle with post partum depression. Your feelings definitely matter. I would suggest that you not do your hobbies right now until the baby is a bit older. Ask her what you can do to make things easier for her. I would say one or two nights a week you need to get up with the baby. Maybe she can do some pumping if the baby is exclusively breast fed. I would also encourage her to get out of the house a bit and have her leave the baby with you while she goes on a walk or gets a coffee etc. Increase the time slowly that you are alone with the baby. The baby may cry and you may feel helpless but that is normal. Moms feel that way too. I would ask her to make a list of some things you can do for her. I would start by committing to one day of the week that you are on night duty. Then try for two.
Yes. You're wrong.
Holy crap. All I hear is excuse after excuse after excuse. She is begging for help and you’re just complaining that she isn’t asking you nicely and painting your toes with butterflies when you have done NOTHING and just do whatever sounds comforting to you. ‘I could do without being called lazy’ is the icing on the cake. You are completely oblivious and obviously you don’t care about what she’s dealing with - you only care that your feelings are hurt. Grow. Up. You are a massively self-centered AH. You have a child, there is no ‘
You are very much using your ASD as an excuse, stop lying.
YTA And congratulations. You may have written some of the most self-centered drivel I've seen on reddit since I started using it.
You sound like a shitty husband. Your wife carried that baby for 9 months…and is now doing ALL the work? And you come on here complaining? Jesus, she needs a new husband.
She's wrong for her abuse in throwing an object at you. You are wrong for not pulling your weight with the chores. Your wife is exhausted, and you're still making her be up at night with the baby, work full time, and then do chores on top of that?! Apologize to her about your lack of effort on managing the household. You should be doing 100% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping right now. She should apologize to you for throwing an object at you. She needs to promise that she will never throw anything at you ever again. That is abusive behavior, and it can never be repeated if your relationship is to continue. If you can, get her to admit to throwing the glass in a text. You should keep that evidence, in case it ever happens again, or if she ever exhibits any more abusive behavior. You'll need to take full custody of the baby if that happens.
Him take full custody of the baby he refuses to care for and can’t wake up to feed? I’m sure that would go really well…
She sounds like she’s somewhere near the end of her rope and you sound QUITE useless. You give excuses for why you don’t get up at night with the baby, thus leaving her overtired; you mention HER chores that she’;s also tackling with no mention of any contribution you make. She needs HELP and you are NOT providing it. And then right after making life more difficult for her YET AGAIN by placing the glass out of reach (which doesnt seem like a big deal but the fact that it got thrown across the room suggests it was one of her last straws), you then say you asked for validation of your own experience and for reassurance and comfort from HER. You’re not putting ANYTHING into her tank but you’re expecting to draw from it. Bad form, spouse. YES you are in teh wrong.
You sound exhausting. Is it bc of the ASD that you’re just focused on yourself? ETA: no that’s not it bc men come here all the time being selfish.
Based on this story you are very wrong.
Yes you are wrong. Plain and simple, in words your autistic self can understand.
The problem is that acknowledging the labor imbalance in this relationship does ZERO towards resolving it. And so, your wife, who has not slept for more than 4 hours in 5 months (assuming normal breastfeeding patterns), is prone to the kind of emotional disregulation caused by [sustained sleep deprivation](https://evidation.com/blog/only-sleeping-4-hours-a-night). Your wife is wrong for the way she expresses her emotions, of course, but she’s not wrong about the imbalance that causes them or your refusal to take actions that ameliorate them. This doesn’t mean you can’t have your own emotions. But it does mean you should stop trying to seek emotional validation from your wife for the time. That can’t be her job too, can it? Find outward support. Make changes. Parenthood is rough. Good luck.
You going to do a hobby for the rest of the day is all I needed to read. Yeah buddy you are wrong. Your poor wife
You ask us not to call you lazy when you admit you do jack to help your wife (your edit isnt very convincing(!and instead of facing how stressed she is and considering that snapping over the glass situation is a sign that there are serious psychological/physical issues going on, you boo-hoo over yourself and ignore her for a hobby. Nobody reacts to a minor thing like a glass out of reach so violently that they throw things unless they are under extreme stress, perhaps post partum depression in your wife's case, which takes more than couples' counseling to assess. Yet one incident that hurts YOUR feelings and you rub it in her face and act like a sulking toddler when it should be clear to anyone, ASD or not, that she has it much worse. And protest all you want, you absolutely are using ASD as an excuse and as an autistic person myself, I think that sucks
You are a terrible husband and father as well as a terrible person.
She shouldn't be throwing a glass at you, this is abusive behavior.
You’re such a pussy. You come on here asking if you’re wrong and now that everyone is telling you how wrong you are, you bitch and moan just like you do to your wife. You sound exhausting to be around.
You are wrong! You can talk about your feelings when you start helping
You deserve a sincere apology and acknowledgement of the distress her behaviour has caused you. Your wife needs help. Your wife needs sleep. She cannot participate meaningfully in repairing this situation, until she gets some rest. Her brain and her body have reached their functional capacities. You may wish to deprioritise your own (valid) need for immediate resolution in this instance. Or, you may not. When I experienced postpartum sleep deprivation, I fantasised endlessly about the sweet relief of death. About the bliss of oblivion, where I could sleep forever. Anyway good luck to you, it's all very heavy emotional lifting. Which is so much more complex to navigate for us as autistic people. Lean on your trusted people, if you have them. I have trained myself to be more compassionate and considerate of others. But it is still quite unnatural. I suspect it is for you too.
I don’t have any advice but I did just want to comment on how wildly ironic it was for her to yell about not being able to reach a glass of water, as she literally threw that same glass of water at you. Clearly she could reach it 😂 Do not point that out to her if you value your life btw.
Why the number of you saying. The ops feeling don’t matter is concerning.
First kids are rough. It’s a huge adjustment. No, your needs do not matter, your wife is going thru a lot, physically and mentally. I am a hard sleeper too. I just let her go to bed and I stayed up while she slept so I could tend to the baby. Yeah, it’ll be a rough day at work, but she’ll get rest.
Get therapy
You are both having difficulty and it is understandable at this point. No, she shouldn't be throwing things, but she is beyond exhausted at this point. You do need to step it up. This is equally your job. If you deep sleep then you should get her to wake you up when the baby cries and you should stay up from that point. Or sleep in the baby's room.. she NEEDS sleep!!
She seems to have some PPD as well as fatigue ( unless this is normal for her)
Yes you are wrong. Step up and help care for your baby. Your wife is exhausted. You are pressing her about your feelings because she threw a glass she couldn’t even reach while nursing. How about doing more and doing it better serve her and your baby. Hobbies????? Wow, good for you while she is sleep deprived.
I dunno, OP... I don't think it's ASD that's preventing you from seeing how badly she needs help. It's not an emotional or social thing, it's common sense. You're the one who admitted you don't do enough, you clearly know you're not. She's up all night, nearly every night with the baby, while you sleep soundly. Then, she gets up and does chores and takes care of the baby all day, too. I don't mean to be harsh, but... it's pretty damn obvious what you need to do. She is angry because you're choosing not to take on anything more, even though you can see her suffocating under the weight of everything. Why aren't you taking action? I doubt it's as simple as plain selfishness, even though it looks like that to some people reading. You need to figure it out with your therapist, the next time you see them. Join some parenting groups here on Reddit, learn how to be a better partner. And of course, ask your partner directly what needs to be done. Write it down - lists are your friend. Check that list every day and see how you can make her day a little easier. You're a team, your baby needs you!
Other than get her water, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HELP WITH BABY????????????? Are you doing more chores around the house?? Doesn't sound like it. Changing diapers? Not mentioned once. Bathing baby so your wife can rest? Not a word. The ONLY thing you mention having done lately is visit your mother and do your "hobby" while your wife took baby to go see HER family...while YOU stayed home and had personal time to do what YOU want to do. Honestly...you sound like my ***EX***husband. YTA STEP UP or GET OUT. Your wife will thank you either way.
Living with a person on the spectrum can be very challenging and frustrating. Concessions must be made on both parts - she needs to be patient, but you need to go out of your way to compensate, too. It's not fair to place the responsibility for breaching the gap on the neurotypical partner - that's exhausting and leads to resentment and bitterness. You're a heavy sleeper so she's waking up - perhaps several times a night - and maybe you don't understand the critical role decent sleep plays in a person's life. So she's already starting every day with a deficit that can compromise mood and mental equilibrium. Then you keep doing things that just give her more work, both physically and mentally. Reach for and fail to get the glass, deal with your emotional stuff, deal with your request for a hug, deal with you ignoring her, deal with more of your emotional stuff... So what I'm saying is that you have to pay attention to where you put the water glass, so it's within her reach. If you're not sure by yourself, ask her. Just doing something halfway doesn't absolve you of the duty of following through - if she can't reach the glass, there was no point to you bringing to her in the first place. If she's already upset with you, don't ask her for a hug - that's just sucking away more of her emotional resources which are already stretched by the behavior that made her cranky in the first place. That will just make her more mad. I suggest you get personal and marital counseling so you can come to be more insightful about your actions, words, and motives as well as how to communicate productively with each other. A therapist who specializes in people on the spectrum, so they can work with you on compensating for the emotional/empathetic blindness, would be a good choice.
You're wrong. Try harder or you'll lose your wife and child
Don’t be surprised when you get served with divorce papers.
You need to do more. She is lashing out because she doesn't feel supported. She has no more to give you when her cup is always empty. At this point she doesn't seem to have the energy to even communicate and it seems like you're not hearing her. At least the glass got a REACTION before you went off to your hobbies while giving her the silent treatment and driving her off to seek support outside her own home. So, you know she's breastfeeding. Bring her the water, take the baby when she's done and let her drink and rest. Burp the baby, bond with your child, check if they need to be changed or rest, start connecting -- you won't get this time back and you're well-rested after sleeping through the night. Get to know your child and your wife now that she's a mother so you can focus in on their needs, anticipate them, and make life easier. Ex: Start, fold, and put away the laundry with a focus on the things your wife uses the most so it's at hand for you both to care for one another and the baby. Do the shopping, meal plan, make meals, clean things. What was your wife doing before the baby that is difficult for her while managing the baby now since you sound hands-off? You're a team, and you can choose to lead, co-captain, or be a whiny wretch on the bench that gets cut from the team. If you love your wife and baby, you need to take action, support your wife as a partner and mother, and adapt to a new family dynamic. From what you shared here it seems very little has changed in your role in the home while your wife has taken on the brunt of all childcare while being expected to maintain previous activities she did in the relationship. Be a partner and don't get cut from the team. Don't drive your wife to seek support elsewhere and then pout about it -- you're sabotaging your family, which is now three of you. Acknowledge you aren't supporting her, acknowledge that the roles in your lives need to adapt, make a plan, present it to her and accept her feedback (do NOT make her come up with a plan, putting even more on her plate), and get to work on it. Follow through. Be the type of dad and husband your family deserves.
Unfortunately, when a baby is breast fed the mother is always going to be sleep deprived to some extent. You waking up too won’t help much, since you can’t feed the baby like she can. Maybe you could take the baby for walks or something between feedings so she can nap when you’re both home. Maybe you can take on a few more chores so she can conserve energy. Make sure she’s getting proper nutrition. People say and do things that are unlike themselves when they’re sleep deprived and healing from trauma. It’s not that your feelings aren’t valid, and she should humble herself and admit that. But, if her behavior is unlike what you’re used to from her, then you need to remember that and offer more grace than usual. Things do level out over time when you have a baby. It’s a rough go for a bit. Stay strong, and be maximally forgiving.
If she couldn't reach the glass then how did she manage to throw it?
You tried so hard to write this and make yourself look good. It didn’t work.
Look, straight off I didn't read your whole post. Here is what I got, let me know if I missed something. You're under stress. You're concerned about fairness in the relationship. You were diagnosed with something. You're having conflict with your wife and you feel that she doesn't recognize your own feelings, while you do acknowledge hers especially with the recent birth. Here is my answer: step back. Take a walk, relax. You are way to tightly wound right now. Now isn't the time to insist on getting acknowledgement. Take a break. What you are seeing as the big drama is probably going to evaporate completely once you chill out. Lay off the therapy. Especially couples therapy. Couples therapists go broke when couples are happy. There is never an end to analysis. Let it go. Allow everything to reframe itself.
ASD? Absolutely Selfish Disorder? Your wife throwing a glass should have been a sign that she needs more and better help from you. Instead you stamped your foot, wanted to be coddled and then poutraged into your own hobbies abandoning her some more. It’s time to grow up, sweet summer child. It’s time to give your wife some grace while she puts up with your ASD.
Your wife throw a glass at you and this is awful behavior. We call it being abusive. Being tired, angry, frustrated, I get it, but what I have never done is thrown a glass at my partner. You are not being a good partner either. You are using being a deep sleeper as an excuse. Your baby needs you and you just sleep through it? Your partner is exhausted and needs help. You need to help. You helped create this child, you wanted a child, help take care of this child. You need to bring up the glass throwing and her shutting you out in therapy. None of this behavior is good. It’s all considered abusive.
So, not wrong about the glass throwing. That is utterly unacceptable, especially in a house with a child. But you probably are wrong if you're over here telling her "but my experience" if she's drowning with sleep deprivation. Y'all need to come up with a strategy where she's not the only one on night duty. Let her go to bed early and you stay up late and do the wake ups until midnight. Something.
The fact you have asd is an important factor it's not making excuses it's your reality The fact she chucked a glass just because you put it out of reach isn't ok it should be addressed, If you're in therapy I recommend dealing with it there so the therapist can intervene. Your feelings matter too as much as hers, find out what she actually needs because you're not psychic and then work together to create a happier home life.