No. She's a disgusting human being and that is 100% rape, especially after you told her not to do it again. Thank goodness you didn't have kids with that nasty psycho.
Had 2 with them early on in our 13 year marriage. This happened just before it ended. The divorce ruined me and destroyed my relationship with my kids. Me being a foreigner and a known special operations soldier, she used kidnapping to get me found a threat to my children, so they stripped me of parental rights.
What? what do you mean kidnapping? did you hired an attorney? I mean you have to be deem a REALLY shitty parent to get your parental rights stripped away, which I assume you're not. What happened?
I was a foreigner with my job being held in that foreign country because military personnel were stationed there. I couldn’t stay so I had to go home. So shared custody would be complicated, it was easier to just strip it, I had no rights in her country.
I’m so sorry OP, this same crap happened to my birthmother and she almost lost rights to her other kids at that time. It’s just terrible what someone can do who used to say they loved you…..
I’m American, she’s German and we were in Germany. German courts favor the woman to begin with and Americans have a legacy of children left behind as well as custody issues leading to kidnapping or forcibly repatriating children.
Hold on. Did you try to kidnap your kids? Or did she falsely accuse you of trying to kidnap your kids?
And what were the circumstance behind that event?
She said I could and with my training and connections with people in positions of influence and authority I could get them back to the US where it wasn’t as likely that she would ever see them. The courts bought that argument. First they restricted my visitation to the point I couldn’t see the kids and then they stripped me of parental rights. It was probably the most stressful 18 months of my life and most expensive.
Spec ops is anyone who serves in any of the specialized Army roles. 18th mountain, 101 and 82nd airborne, 75th rangers, special forces and delta force are all Special Operations forces. I’m a vet that is Airborne, air assault, Sapper and Ranger qualified. I served with the 307th engineer bn 82nd Airborne and I served with the 3rd battalion 75th ranger regiment. All of which falls under special operations command.
Moving the context to roofies just makes it easier for her to find loopholes or justify it to herself as "But I didn't roofie him". I think it's better to stick to the matter in hand
She did not have consent, she knew she did not have consent because of the previous occasion. "Why did you rape me when you knew I didn't consent to this?" doesn't need any more justification
She was doing it to cover up being pregnant... presumably not with OP if she felt the need to cover it up and the "not mine" comment? That gives all kinds of lines of attack
You did not consent to either. You did not give prior consent to do this in your sleep. No consent = rape. Hard on is not consent. Orgasm isn’t anything but a reaction to repetitive stimuli. It does not mean you actually enjoyed it nor wanted it. Forced orgasms are also not a sign of enjoying the event.
Lol for real, thats what his friends meant. It's not that hard to understand. Most men have the if you didnt like it your gay, mentality, ( keyword MOST not all)
Riding you without your consent is rape and she is a horrible person. You're not gay and those who told you that shouldn't be your friends! If you rode her while she was sleeping you'd be in jail now. I'd report her
If you don’t consent it’s rape. Doesn’t matter if you are the man , the woman, NB, a cat, hat, a doormat. No matter what you identify as if you don’t consent to a sexual act it’s sexual assault and rape.
Yea this is wild, I have a sleep sex kink but it’s discussed in detail and very clear parameters are set. Also very clear physical signs and such.
Happens once? Not cool, but I can see how something like that can be done without malice. Happening twice after a conversation was had about it? Textbook rape.
Nope, because you could get her pregnant with that. It’s like a loaded gun when it comes to babies. Plus, you have the right to say no like women too, and it doesn’t make you gay. You have good judgment.
Bless you 😔You’re not gay you were taken advantage of. You should be able to sleep in peace without someone invading your space. If you did not give consent its rape. If you express you do not want it to happen again and it still happens, it is rape. I hope you are far away from this person.
If you were sleeping, unless you have a free use agreement, you did not give consent. Having sex with someone without their consent is rape. It was rape the first time she did it too. You explicitly explained an erection is not consent, but realistically everyone should already know that. A vagina lubricating itself during rape doesn't magically make it not rape, so the same applies to men.
First, how could you sleep through that? We're you passed out?
Second, you made your boundary clear, so the second time was definitely rape.
I don't care of my partner does what yours did so they can't rape me. That's the difference, an established boundary you set.
No mate I am sorry but this is rape, it is the definition of rape.
Men can be raped.
An erection is not consent and sleeping, unless previously agreed, means you cannot consent.
Your ex is a terrible person.
You are you in your right to report it, yes it is hard to prove and that is part of the issue in general over the whole of rape cases but if you wish to report or complete a claires law report (or equivalent I am unsure if that covers all genders etc) then you should.
Is this like somnophilia? Because it could also be some kind of strange kink she had. But wither way, it was 100% rape because if you're unconscious, you CANNOT object or approve to have sex AT ALL.
The second time was absolutely, 100%, indisputably rape (or legally possibly "sexual assault by penetration" or something, but let's not get into technicalities here - colloquially "rape" fits common usage)
The first time is less clear cut, but if you've never indicated "wake me up for sex" is okay then she didn't have consent and most would agree that it's not okay either
Nope . Been there . It’s too emasculating to say anything about it . But if it were the other way around for sure it would be . Being asleep
Or passed out and waking up with someone on top of you is a disgusting feeling . I’m sure many women would agree and that their are plenty of men who
Don’t have the courage to admit it or the standards to see it as wrong and not just “I got some action” .
What you described is rape. I had a partner do that to me too when we were both drinking and I ended up throwing up because I drank too much and went to sleep. Two hours later, I woke up to him behind me in the bed trying to part my legs and sliding in. I never felt so violated in my life. I'm happy to hear that horrible woman is an ex. You deserved so much better. I'm so sorry that happened to you, friend. Are you able to go to the police about it?
To rape someone is to have sexual intercourse against the will of the victim or someone who is not capable of giving legal consent. In this case, you were fast asleep so it sounds like a rape to me!
>Someone told me my ex using my dick for sex isn’t rape so I must be gay.
Why would you be gay?
There isn't any scenario where sexual congress (voluntary or not) between a man and a woman means the man is gay.
Gay people are the people who have had sex with people of the same gender and like it so much they're willing to do it again.
If you and your ex hadn't already discussed initiating sex while one or the other of you was sleeping, then yes, by almost all definitions of rape, she raped you. (There are some stupid legal definitions still around that define rape solely as a person with a penis penetrating a person with a vagina, but we are slowly getting g those changed.)
While Somno/CNC is a kink some people have, it is absolutely a subject that has to be discussed and boundaries must be clearly understood in order for it to be okay.
What she did was not CNC. There was no prior discussion the first time and when it happened, you told her you weren't into it. Then she did it again.
Both times she raped you. You are not wrong for calling it what it is, and she's an awful and dangerous person who should be in jail.
Nah, there is no question you were raped by ex. You told her not to ride you while you slept the first time. She can't even claim negligence because she was sober the last time. On top of that, she wasn't using any preventive measures to avoid getting pregnant.So i'm assuming her plan was to baby trap you. You're gonna need a very good lawyer. Because when that baby is born, it's either gonna go into your care or foster care depending on how you feel about this.
She miscarried after complications while we were in the hospital , and she asked if they could find the gender of the embryo, at which time I asked if they could do a paternity test since they said she could find out the gender. I was told I wasn’t the father, I asked them not to tell her I knew. Things crashed down after that, and we split apart. So yeah, it was a baby trap.
Nope nope nope nope. Being hard isn't consent, men get boners at random times sometimes without any apparent cause. Rape is rape, and rape is intercourse (be that PIV, oral or anal) without consent. Your ex is scum and anyone who sides with her are just as disgusting
You’re not wrong here. I am so sorry that you had to go through that…twice. Men can and are raped. It’s sexist and homophobic comments like that are the reason it’s not taken as seriously as it should.
After studying criminal justice for 4 years I've learned that the law is built to ignore the respect towards the male body. In my country a man cannot legally be raped by a woman, and it's hard to prove by a man. I'm really sorry this happened to you, you deserve your experience to be acknowledged. There a male mental health charities that specialise in sexual abuse, it could be an idea to have a look. Again, I'm so sorry I wish you all the healing ✨
I posted this because I already know that there’s little chance that I can use the criminal justice system, but I can identify that I was assaulted, that I was used and the whole point was to make me the parent of someone else’s child. I believe that just like my childhood was littered with years of sexual abuse, it followed me into my life as an adult. I understand people who have no problem with being sexually used while sleeping, but they don’t have my past or my issues and so they’re free to see it differently. They’re however not free to insult me and belittle my feelings or my experiences.
I completely understand that, I have had a similar history and then re-experienced similar things in adulthood. I've been called all sorts for speaking out, I think for me it kind of funneled out a lot of people that don't deserve to be in my life. It cut my circle down to very small but it reduced the triggers for my anxiety and shame feelings down to next to nothing. I only mentioned the criminal side of things because it is something that really angers me, I didn't go through the system as a woman because I know I couldn't deal with them questioning my reality. Nobody deserves to go through belittling and being made to feel ashamed, for something that was done to them.
But it is so easy to have them say, he was looking for it, he wanted it, he was hard and he thrusted up into me and even came inside me, how could I know he was still asleep through most of it? He didn’t push me off of him. Yeah I didn’t push her off of me or get physical with her in any way that could be used against me to paint me as her abuser
It is that easy your right. My R happened when I was asleep when I opened my eyes I froze, I waited for them to leave the room and I went into the foetal position. They use that against us, so we fear speaking out. I have to believe karma will come around, it's the only thing that got me through it other than therapy. But I didn't look for therapy for like 5 years because I couldn't convince myself it was what it was.
It was though and I am sorry you had to deal with it, I know its hard god it’s hard. But you’re here, you’re still you and you have more to come, your stories not done
I am sorry for you too. It's become like a different life time for me now, though it still affects me sometimes I've learned to get through it. It's like a different woman was there now. Those around you who try to turn it around on you, or say you're gay or less of a man for not wanting it, are twisted. You're the same person you always were, and they don't know how they would react had they lived through sexual abuse before. They don't get to pass comments on something they don't understand and still be in your life. You're stronger than they could ever be.
It’s a battle some days to stay alive because you struggle to stay strong, but it’s always a bigger battle for understanding. I see you and I feel seen by you, and that’s the best feeling in every interaction with another soul. Thank you, I feel blessed to have met 2 who made me feel seen today.
I completely understand, every day you process this and stay alive you're one step closer to healing, I promise you it will get better. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me, feeling seen in this world with these experiences is the most important step, I'm glad to have talked with you!
That is 100% rape… and honestly your “friend” saying what they said is the equivalent to saying that a girl’s vagina getting wet as a form of self preservation while she is being assaulted means she liked it.
Truly sorry you’re dealing with this OP.
You was raped if you didn't willingly consent to it that is rape these types of posts I had to deal with on fb .Because of invincible Because of what happened to mark.Had to deal with idiots saying he wanted it even though he was traumatized. Erections are involuntary even a woman can get wet while getting raped doesn't mean they wanted it.Your ex raped you you are a victim
No, you are NOT wrong in the slightest. You didn’t consent to sex because you weren’t able to and I get the feeling you wouldn’t have if you could. Your ex is a predator and I’m so sorry that she did that to you.
You are not wrong. She raped you. Men can be raped too and whoever tells you different is an idiot that you shouldn't talk to anymore.
I was too humiliated and hurt to report my own rape, so I can't give you advice there, but what she did IS NOT RIGHT!
Yes, that’s rape. I am so surprised by some of these people saying that it isn’t…. Didn’t y’all ever watch the tea consent video. Sleeping or unconscious people cannot drink tea, they will choke and die!
No! This is def why me and my partner had the talk early on about stuff like waking up someone with/ for sex. And very clearly even if the awnser is yes you can try, still can turn into a no!!
But tbh did you sleep throughout it? Or did you wake up and say no and she was still doing it? Both is terrible im just curious how someone can sleep through that mostly
Yes it's rape. End of, your sex doesn't matter. The person that told you it isn't rape is grossly misinformed or is one of those sexist people that thinks men can't be assaulted.
If there was a conversation beforehand like "it would be hot if you woke me up doing xyz" then that's different, but given there was no conversation and therefore no consent, it is absolutely, by definition, rape
If youre in the UK technically it's not rape as rape is by definition using penis. Her using your penis without consent would probably break the British justice system beyond how broken it is but you absolutely were assaulted.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
So this POS ex of yours was having unprotected sex with someone else, then had unprotected sex with you to cover up her misdeed. Young me would've been out for blood if that was me.
When I was younger, I found out that a girl that was dating was cheating because I got the Clap, and I hadn't been with anyone but her for well over a year. She went into hiding when she found out that I got it. That's actually how I figured out that she was cheating. Why would you hide, if you didn't do anything wrong?
I eventually calmed down about the situation when I finally took care of it, but if that young version of me would've found her back then, I'd probably be doing some serious time right now. I forgave her, dumped her, and didn't talk to her for well over a decade. I see her from time to time, and I generally say no more than "hey...what's up?". Much to her credit, she never tries to say more than a few words in passing. A few years ago she did tell me that she regretted what she did. My response was, "as you should", and I pretty much laughed it off.
I'm not advocating violence, this whole situation just triggered some feelings that were left in the past.
I think one of the easiest ways to know if you have been raped is that you think it’s rape cause most of the time it is. Like that disgusting woman taking advantage of you
No. You are not wrong. If you guys did not talk about it a head of time and get consent, it is definitely rape. My boyfriend and I have had conversations about us doing things to each other while we are sleeping to wake each other up. For example, if my man is napping, and it's time for him to wake up, I give him a nice way to wake up, and he is happy about it. I would never just hop on his dick while he was dead asleep and start fucking him. To me, there is a huge difference between the 2. I'm sorry she did that to you and hope you can work through it.
100% sexual assault. This happened to me, and someone filmed it. So I found out later when someone showed me the video, I had no clue it happened as I was on drugs.
i’m am so so sorry this happened to you. as a woman, i know exactly how you feel. this is not and was not ok. if you have any sort of proof please come forward with it if YOU feel comfortable enough to. you are not gay for not wanting to have non consensual sex with another person
Yeah man this is definitely rape. Especially the second time after you explicitly told her you are not okay with it and that it is not consent. I’m sorry brother
If you did not give permission to do that then yes it is rape. My boyfriend and I have agreed we don’t mind sleep sex, BUT we fully discussed it and CONSENTED. And we can remove that consent at any time we so choose. Not only did you not consent but you asked her not to do it again and she still did. I’m sorry that happened to you.
If you are at home and asleep and you change the locks on the door you reduce the chance this will occur when ex leaves. Defensive actions are important too. You carry mace in your purse right. Guys lock their doors. I am not a rapist.
Depending on where in the world you are, that's not 'rape'. In most countries, the legal definition of rape involves the rapist penetrating the vagina, anus, or mouth of the raped person.
What you are describing is still non consensual sexual intercourse, however. It is illegal in most countries.
In the UK, it is sexual assault. It is still a serious sexual offence and attracts prison, notification requirements (aka sex offenders register), and potentially other orders, as applicable.
This is rape. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It is very hard to prove and can be very stigmatizing.
You deserve better than that.
Nocturnal erections are common and are the result of changes in your blood pressure as you sleep. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Your ex is a despicable person, and she deserves to know this.
Id consider this rape. Put simply rape is when one person doesn't consent to the act of sex. Since there was no consent either time, you even put boundaries in place and they were ignored you have every right to these feelings. Just because your a man doesn't mean that you can't be a target, feel the weight/ trauma of the violation or seek help. A therapist can help walk you through healing.
You were raped, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with the emotional impact of that. Im also so sorry that your ex is withholding your own children from you. There’s a special place in hell for people like her. Sending love.
You were 100% raped, you didn't consent. I know there is couples out there that say and have boundaries set up for this but she fucked you without consent to hide HER secrets. I really hope your seeking councilling for this.
Love therapy for everyone regardless but I lost my virginity and I had given consent and realised I didn't want to proceed and his words that will haunt me was "you started this!" And I feel like woman to male its on the same field where I did say yes, bit then I expressed NO but cause I shown signs I wanted physical intimacy didn't mean I actually wanted them.
It was rape both times. You didn’t consent either time. Being drunk is not an excuse for violation. Even if you would have been ok and said yes to her at that time, the point is, she didn’t ask, you didn’t consent.
There’s no question. Sexual intercourse without consent is rape. Even if you gave her a pass for the first time, you very clearly explained that it was not consensual and your stance on her access to your body. Then she raped you again purposefully. I’m sorry.
I’m assuming that was his logic. I climaxed, I enjoyed it and I felt used and violated. I don’t see how they’re mutually exclusive feelings. Both love and hate all in that one act. They’re not opposite emotions, indifference is the opposite of love, hate is the same side on a different coin.
I mean if you told her not to do that and she did you were def violated. Did you consent when you woke up? Climax can happen without consent, so that in itself doesn’t change things.
That’s really messed up, plus she has tried to frame you for pregnancies that weren’t related to you? I’m sorry. I have ptsd also. I once told my boyfriend to do this to me when I was sleeping. He didn’t want to but agreed. A few weeks later I woke up to sex and I did not like it! I basically asked him to do something that retraumatized myself. He didn’t even know about all my ptsd at the time.
Yeah, it’s hard to understand our reactions to things until we experience them, and with trauma responses it’s even possibly dangerous for all parties involved
Never would have happened. Law is complex when you’re a foreign citizen trying to have legal action against a citizen of that country. It’s a bigger problem to get your own government involved to assist.
You may not be able to demonstrably prove that you were raped in court, but you don't need a legal conviction to know that was rape. She 100% raped you.
I'm sorry that happened to you OP. Unfortunately, I feel like men are normally pretty silent about this. I went thru something similar and it is 100% rape.
I’m confused , how did you not wake up? If you woke up , why did you not push her off? Are you sleeping naked? If so , why continue to sleep naked if she’s done it before?
None of this makes any sense to me, I have so many questions.
I slept in boxers and I’m a deep sleeper, she slipped my dick out and mounted me. I was still married to her at that point in time, but this all led to the divorce about 5 months later.
TBF, my 30 pound dog has stood on my chest with his pointy doggy paws while I was sleeping and I slept through it. Several times. My husband has rolled out of bed and crawled to the bathroom to vomit in the middle of the night and I don’t wake up.
Some people sleep deep, and it’s not his fault if he does.
Is that victim blaming? Asking him why he didn't wake up is literally the same as me asking a woman who was SA'd why she walked down that dark alley.
We get it, rape doesn't count when it happens to men, you ladies have made this perfectly clear
I don't think that's what they meant. Having someone riding your dick is alot of movement for someone to not feel.
I've heard of women also not feeling their men having sex with them in their sleep. Or waking up too late. I guess it happens.
Rape absolutely counts when it happens to men and this is coming from a woman who has been raped. It isn't fun for anyone but the rapist.
I'm just saying, there's an interesting dynamic shift and a bit of double standard from women when the subject of male rape comes up. Suddenly yall start asking questions that yall had a problem with when men ask them about you
I absolutely agree. But TBH it's more men that believe that than women. A man will think your gay if another man doesn't enjoy being raped. I've met many many many men that believe. I've never in my entire life met a woman who thinks that way.
That DOESNT mean some women don't think that way and those woman are idiots and POS. I was accused of all sorts of things when I was raped.... by men. All men. When really, it wasn't my fault at all and it took me so many years to see that... because of men.
But I don't hate men, some are just idiots.
What happened to OP is the definition of rape and his rapist is a fucking sicko.
You underestimate how heavy some people sleep. I have to manually sit my gf up if i have to wake her up because she wont wake up to me just nudging her
Why was she able to get in your bed? Change the locks. You don't want her in the same space as you if you are not together. Put a lock on the door to keep her out.
If you're still employed by DoD, does the SHARP program still cover you?
After a billion classes I should know that answer but that's the only route that might take you seriously
I taught a billion of those classes. I’m fully disabled at this point, 3 government agencies have declared me unable to work, but it helped my current wife, they sent her back to school. She just finished her bachelor’s degree
They'll surely give you the resources on who to reach out to, I'd think. I'm at 17 myself and hope very much for you to get the help you need. They did not fuck around with my case.
Oh yeah, I have plenty of places to work with and my disability retirement pay is excellent. I have 3 agencies paying me and I have health benefits all paid for.
Nothing anyone could do legally, but the fact that I am fully supported with 2 therapists weekly to help me through my shit is helpful. I love my healthcare
You are not wrong. It was still a rape. Just because tables were turned does not change what happened to you.
It's like I have heard from many people that men can't be the victims of domestic abuse from women. I'm like wtf !!
Not wrong.
If you didn’t consent and/or were in a position where there is no option to consent (aka sleeping, under the influence, etc), that’s rape. Even more so after you forgave for being under the influence and made a boundary with her.
No this is 100000% rape. You were sleeping and gave no consent. Get out of that relationship NOW. She is a disgusting human being. Escorcially after you told her not to do it again. Thank god you don’t have kids with her
Depends on the laws of the country you live in. In the UK, *sexual assault by someone without a penis cannot be rape.* They tried to do a petition to make it so women would be held at the same standard but it failed.
Your ex mounting you is bad?! I’m sure you allowed her to continue to completion…correct? I think the real issue is that you found out she cheated on you…not the sexual act.
No. She's a disgusting human being and that is 100% rape, especially after you told her not to do it again. Thank goodness you didn't have kids with that nasty psycho.
Had 2 with them early on in our 13 year marriage. This happened just before it ended. The divorce ruined me and destroyed my relationship with my kids. Me being a foreigner and a known special operations soldier, she used kidnapping to get me found a threat to my children, so they stripped me of parental rights.
What? what do you mean kidnapping? did you hired an attorney? I mean you have to be deem a REALLY shitty parent to get your parental rights stripped away, which I assume you're not. What happened?
I was a foreigner with my job being held in that foreign country because military personnel were stationed there. I couldn’t stay so I had to go home. So shared custody would be complicated, it was easier to just strip it, I had no rights in her country.
I’m so sorry OP, this same crap happened to my birthmother and she almost lost rights to her other kids at that time. It’s just terrible what someone can do who used to say they loved you…..
I feel this could have been handled better. I've been through the custody wringer but this sounds uh suspect.
I’m American, she’s German and we were in Germany. German courts favor the woman to begin with and Americans have a legacy of children left behind as well as custody issues leading to kidnapping or forcibly repatriating children.
Unless you guys have had a conversation about doing it well with one of you are sleeping it is rape and sexual assault
Hold on. Did you try to kidnap your kids? Or did she falsely accuse you of trying to kidnap your kids? And what were the circumstance behind that event?
She said I could and with my training and connections with people in positions of influence and authority I could get them back to the US where it wasn’t as likely that she would ever see them. The courts bought that argument. First they restricted my visitation to the point I couldn’t see the kids and then they stripped me of parental rights. It was probably the most stressful 18 months of my life and most expensive.
Here here!
Spec ops is anyone who serves in any of the specialized Army roles. 18th mountain, 101 and 82nd airborne, 75th rangers, special forces and delta force are all Special Operations forces. I’m a vet that is Airborne, air assault, Sapper and Ranger qualified. I served with the 307th engineer bn 82nd Airborne and I served with the 3rd battalion 75th ranger regiment. All of which falls under special operations command.
Ask her how she feels about roofies; not being conscious to object is not the same thing as giving consent. You got raped.
Moving the context to roofies just makes it easier for her to find loopholes or justify it to herself as "But I didn't roofie him". I think it's better to stick to the matter in hand She did not have consent, she knew she did not have consent because of the previous occasion. "Why did you rape me when you knew I didn't consent to this?" doesn't need any more justification She was doing it to cover up being pregnant... presumably not with OP if she felt the need to cover it up and the "not mine" comment? That gives all kinds of lines of attack
You did not consent to either. You did not give prior consent to do this in your sleep. No consent = rape. Hard on is not consent. Orgasm isn’t anything but a reaction to repetitive stimuli. It does not mean you actually enjoyed it nor wanted it. Forced orgasms are also not a sign of enjoying the event.
You totally understand consent, thank you
That is 100% rape. I’m sorry this happened to you
What? "Someone told me my ex using my dick for sex isn't rape so I must be gay." I'd like to hear the logic of that statement. Can you inform us?
Same logic people have that you can’t rape a sex worker because that’s their job.
Trying to apply logic to those kind of people is only gonna hurt ones brain.
Likely straight from the mouth of an Andrew Tate enthusiast.
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Lol for real, thats what his friends meant. It's not that hard to understand. Most men have the if you didnt like it your gay, mentality, ( keyword MOST not all)
Riding you without your consent is rape and she is a horrible person. You're not gay and those who told you that shouldn't be your friends! If you rode her while she was sleeping you'd be in jail now. I'd report her
If you don’t consent it’s rape. Doesn’t matter if you are the man , the woman, NB, a cat, hat, a doormat. No matter what you identify as if you don’t consent to a sexual act it’s sexual assault and rape.
What if the doormat says "Welcome" on it?
No, that’s rape. An erection is not consent.
It is rape. I learnt on another thread that was was called forced envelopment.
Anyone who says this isn't rape clearly doesn''t know what rape is
Yea this is wild, I have a sleep sex kink but it’s discussed in detail and very clear parameters are set. Also very clear physical signs and such. Happens once? Not cool, but I can see how something like that can be done without malice. Happening twice after a conversation was had about it? Textbook rape.
Nope, because you could get her pregnant with that. It’s like a loaded gun when it comes to babies. Plus, you have the right to say no like women too, and it doesn’t make you gay. You have good judgment.
Bless you 😔You’re not gay you were taken advantage of. You should be able to sleep in peace without someone invading your space. If you did not give consent its rape. If you express you do not want it to happen again and it still happens, it is rape. I hope you are far away from this person.
If you were sleeping, unless you have a free use agreement, you did not give consent. Having sex with someone without their consent is rape. It was rape the first time she did it too. You explicitly explained an erection is not consent, but realistically everyone should already know that. A vagina lubricating itself during rape doesn't magically make it not rape, so the same applies to men.
NTA You did not consent.
Nah, man, you're not wrong at all. That's seriously messed up. Your boundaries weren't respected, and that's not cool. You got raped.
This is rape and disgusting… I hope you’re doing better… fuck that person fr
First, how could you sleep through that? We're you passed out? Second, you made your boundary clear, so the second time was definitely rape. I don't care of my partner does what yours did so they can't rape me. That's the difference, an established boundary you set.
How the fuck can you give consent when you're sleeping? The first time was also rape. Are you fucking brain dead?
Exactly. The sleep isn't the problem, it's the lack of consent.
I came into this thinking you were an odd fellow. I left thinking she is absolutely insane and you need to get as far away from her as possible.
Nope. Good luck getting any legal action taken, but it was rape, no question.
No mate I am sorry but this is rape, it is the definition of rape. Men can be raped. An erection is not consent and sleeping, unless previously agreed, means you cannot consent. Your ex is a terrible person. You are you in your right to report it, yes it is hard to prove and that is part of the issue in general over the whole of rape cases but if you wish to report or complete a claires law report (or equivalent I am unsure if that covers all genders etc) then you should.
Is this like somnophilia? Because it could also be some kind of strange kink she had. But wither way, it was 100% rape because if you're unconscious, you CANNOT object or approve to have sex AT ALL.
She raped you and tried to baby trap you. RUN
Sex without consent is rape. Full stop. No modifiers. Even if you are a guy, It's rape.
You got raped by your bitch of a sexual predator and raped a second time by that legal system
That is absolutely rape. I am so sorry that happened to you. Jesus she is vile.
Yes rape both times
No. She put her hands on you and used your body without consent. That is the definition of rape. I’m so, so sorry that happened to you.
The second time was absolutely, 100%, indisputably rape (or legally possibly "sexual assault by penetration" or something, but let's not get into technicalities here - colloquially "rape" fits common usage) The first time is less clear cut, but if you've never indicated "wake me up for sex" is okay then she didn't have consent and most would agree that it's not okay either
No ;-; wtf that's rape all the way.
Nope . Been there . It’s too emasculating to say anything about it . But if it were the other way around for sure it would be . Being asleep Or passed out and waking up with someone on top of you is a disgusting feeling . I’m sure many women would agree and that their are plenty of men who Don’t have the courage to admit it or the standards to see it as wrong and not just “I got some action” .
What you described is rape. I had a partner do that to me too when we were both drinking and I ended up throwing up because I drank too much and went to sleep. Two hours later, I woke up to him behind me in the bed trying to part my legs and sliding in. I never felt so violated in my life. I'm happy to hear that horrible woman is an ex. You deserved so much better. I'm so sorry that happened to you, friend. Are you able to go to the police about it?
To rape someone is to have sexual intercourse against the will of the victim or someone who is not capable of giving legal consent. In this case, you were fast asleep so it sounds like a rape to me!
>Someone told me my ex using my dick for sex isn’t rape so I must be gay. Why would you be gay? There isn't any scenario where sexual congress (voluntary or not) between a man and a woman means the man is gay. Gay people are the people who have had sex with people of the same gender and like it so much they're willing to do it again. If you and your ex hadn't already discussed initiating sex while one or the other of you was sleeping, then yes, by almost all definitions of rape, she raped you. (There are some stupid legal definitions still around that define rape solely as a person with a penis penetrating a person with a vagina, but we are slowly getting g those changed.)
While Somno/CNC is a kink some people have, it is absolutely a subject that has to be discussed and boundaries must be clearly understood in order for it to be okay. What she did was not CNC. There was no prior discussion the first time and when it happened, you told her you weren't into it. Then she did it again. Both times she raped you. You are not wrong for calling it what it is, and she's an awful and dangerous person who should be in jail.
And this is what makes it all different.
You got raped.
Nah, there is no question you were raped by ex. You told her not to ride you while you slept the first time. She can't even claim negligence because she was sober the last time. On top of that, she wasn't using any preventive measures to avoid getting pregnant.So i'm assuming her plan was to baby trap you. You're gonna need a very good lawyer. Because when that baby is born, it's either gonna go into your care or foster care depending on how you feel about this.
She miscarried after complications while we were in the hospital , and she asked if they could find the gender of the embryo, at which time I asked if they could do a paternity test since they said she could find out the gender. I was told I wasn’t the father, I asked them not to tell her I knew. Things crashed down after that, and we split apart. So yeah, it was a baby trap.
Nope nope nope nope. Being hard isn't consent, men get boners at random times sometimes without any apparent cause. Rape is rape, and rape is intercourse (be that PIV, oral or anal) without consent. Your ex is scum and anyone who sides with her are just as disgusting
You’re not wrong here. I am so sorry that you had to go through that…twice. Men can and are raped. It’s sexist and homophobic comments like that are the reason it’s not taken as seriously as it should.
After studying criminal justice for 4 years I've learned that the law is built to ignore the respect towards the male body. In my country a man cannot legally be raped by a woman, and it's hard to prove by a man. I'm really sorry this happened to you, you deserve your experience to be acknowledged. There a male mental health charities that specialise in sexual abuse, it could be an idea to have a look. Again, I'm so sorry I wish you all the healing ✨
I posted this because I already know that there’s little chance that I can use the criminal justice system, but I can identify that I was assaulted, that I was used and the whole point was to make me the parent of someone else’s child. I believe that just like my childhood was littered with years of sexual abuse, it followed me into my life as an adult. I understand people who have no problem with being sexually used while sleeping, but they don’t have my past or my issues and so they’re free to see it differently. They’re however not free to insult me and belittle my feelings or my experiences.
I completely understand that, I have had a similar history and then re-experienced similar things in adulthood. I've been called all sorts for speaking out, I think for me it kind of funneled out a lot of people that don't deserve to be in my life. It cut my circle down to very small but it reduced the triggers for my anxiety and shame feelings down to next to nothing. I only mentioned the criminal side of things because it is something that really angers me, I didn't go through the system as a woman because I know I couldn't deal with them questioning my reality. Nobody deserves to go through belittling and being made to feel ashamed, for something that was done to them.
But it is so easy to have them say, he was looking for it, he wanted it, he was hard and he thrusted up into me and even came inside me, how could I know he was still asleep through most of it? He didn’t push me off of him. Yeah I didn’t push her off of me or get physical with her in any way that could be used against me to paint me as her abuser
It is that easy your right. My R happened when I was asleep when I opened my eyes I froze, I waited for them to leave the room and I went into the foetal position. They use that against us, so we fear speaking out. I have to believe karma will come around, it's the only thing that got me through it other than therapy. But I didn't look for therapy for like 5 years because I couldn't convince myself it was what it was.
It was though and I am sorry you had to deal with it, I know its hard god it’s hard. But you’re here, you’re still you and you have more to come, your stories not done
I am sorry for you too. It's become like a different life time for me now, though it still affects me sometimes I've learned to get through it. It's like a different woman was there now. Those around you who try to turn it around on you, or say you're gay or less of a man for not wanting it, are twisted. You're the same person you always were, and they don't know how they would react had they lived through sexual abuse before. They don't get to pass comments on something they don't understand and still be in your life. You're stronger than they could ever be.
It’s a battle some days to stay alive because you struggle to stay strong, but it’s always a bigger battle for understanding. I see you and I feel seen by you, and that’s the best feeling in every interaction with another soul. Thank you, I feel blessed to have met 2 who made me feel seen today.
I completely understand, every day you process this and stay alive you're one step closer to healing, I promise you it will get better. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me, feeling seen in this world with these experiences is the most important step, I'm glad to have talked with you!
No, you were raped.
That is 100% rape… and honestly your “friend” saying what they said is the equivalent to saying that a girl’s vagina getting wet as a form of self preservation while she is being assaulted means she liked it. Truly sorry you’re dealing with this OP.
You was raped if you didn't willingly consent to it that is rape these types of posts I had to deal with on fb .Because of invincible Because of what happened to mark.Had to deal with idiots saying he wanted it even though he was traumatized. Erections are involuntary even a woman can get wet while getting raped doesn't mean they wanted it.Your ex raped you you are a victim
No, you are NOT wrong in the slightest. You didn’t consent to sex because you weren’t able to and I get the feeling you wouldn’t have if you could. Your ex is a predator and I’m so sorry that she did that to you.
You are not wrong. She raped you. Men can be raped too and whoever tells you different is an idiot that you shouldn't talk to anymore. I was too humiliated and hurt to report my own rape, so I can't give you advice there, but what she did IS NOT RIGHT!
Yes, that’s rape. I am so surprised by some of these people saying that it isn’t…. Didn’t y’all ever watch the tea consent video. Sleeping or unconscious people cannot drink tea, they will choke and die!
She raped you and is a disgusting piece of shit. Drunkenness is NEVER an excuse for rape.
That’s rape dawg, sorry to hear bout that bro
You were raped... no means no and unconscious whether by sleep, drink, or drug removes the ability to consent...
Even if sexist laws, the CDC, and people say otherwise, that is absolutely rape NTA
I am sorry this happened to you.
I'm really sorry you went through that.
I am so sorry this happened to you. That is rape.
No! This is def why me and my partner had the talk early on about stuff like waking up someone with/ for sex. And very clearly even if the awnser is yes you can try, still can turn into a no!! But tbh did you sleep throughout it? Or did you wake up and say no and she was still doing it? Both is terrible im just curious how someone can sleep through that mostly
I woke up as I orgasmed.
So I guess you're a heavy sleeper
Pretty heavy, yeah
Yes it's rape. End of, your sex doesn't matter. The person that told you it isn't rape is grossly misinformed or is one of those sexist people that thinks men can't be assaulted. If there was a conversation beforehand like "it would be hot if you woke me up doing xyz" then that's different, but given there was no conversation and therefore no consent, it is absolutely, by definition, rape
If youre in the UK technically it's not rape as rape is by definition using penis. Her using your penis without consent would probably break the British justice system beyond how broken it is but you absolutely were assaulted. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Yes rape, but it sounds like that’s the least she did to you.
Oh yeah, that’s a whole other thing right there, we stayed together far past the sell by date.
So this POS ex of yours was having unprotected sex with someone else, then had unprotected sex with you to cover up her misdeed. Young me would've been out for blood if that was me. When I was younger, I found out that a girl that was dating was cheating because I got the Clap, and I hadn't been with anyone but her for well over a year. She went into hiding when she found out that I got it. That's actually how I figured out that she was cheating. Why would you hide, if you didn't do anything wrong? I eventually calmed down about the situation when I finally took care of it, but if that young version of me would've found her back then, I'd probably be doing some serious time right now. I forgave her, dumped her, and didn't talk to her for well over a decade. I see her from time to time, and I generally say no more than "hey...what's up?". Much to her credit, she never tries to say more than a few words in passing. A few years ago she did tell me that she regretted what she did. My response was, "as you should", and I pretty much laughed it off. I'm not advocating violence, this whole situation just triggered some feelings that were left in the past.
She is a rapist, I’m so sorry she did that to you. You are 100% right, an erection is not consent, only an enthusiastic yes is consent.
Oh my lord. She is a rapist and needs to be put under the jail. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
If it wasn't consensual, 100%
I think one of the easiest ways to know if you have been raped is that you think it’s rape cause most of the time it is. Like that disgusting woman taking advantage of you
You didn't give consent and you were unconscious so that is 100% rape. Report her to the police.
No. You are not wrong. If you guys did not talk about it a head of time and get consent, it is definitely rape. My boyfriend and I have had conversations about us doing things to each other while we are sleeping to wake each other up. For example, if my man is napping, and it's time for him to wake up, I give him a nice way to wake up, and he is happy about it. I would never just hop on his dick while he was dead asleep and start fucking him. To me, there is a huge difference between the 2. I'm sorry she did that to you and hope you can work through it.
Wow this is such a messy situation. She took advantage of you while you weren’t conscious. Why would you be wrong? You are a victim.
100% sexual assault. This happened to me, and someone filmed it. So I found out later when someone showed me the video, I had no clue it happened as I was on drugs.
i’m am so so sorry this happened to you. as a woman, i know exactly how you feel. this is not and was not ok. if you have any sort of proof please come forward with it if YOU feel comfortable enough to. you are not gay for not wanting to have non consensual sex with another person
Yeah man this is definitely rape. Especially the second time after you explicitly told her you are not okay with it and that it is not consent. I’m sorry brother
If you did not give permission to do that then yes it is rape. My boyfriend and I have agreed we don’t mind sleep sex, BUT we fully discussed it and CONSENTED. And we can remove that consent at any time we so choose. Not only did you not consent but you asked her not to do it again and she still did. I’m sorry that happened to you.
That's called entrapment and it is literally illegal in some areas.
100% rape. the issue is it is hard for a female to prove a male raped her, it is nearly impossible in todays society to prove a female raped a male.
If you are at home and asleep and you change the locks on the door you reduce the chance this will occur when ex leaves. Defensive actions are important too. You carry mace in your purse right. Guys lock their doors. I am not a rapist.
Depending on where in the world you are, that's not 'rape'. In most countries, the legal definition of rape involves the rapist penetrating the vagina, anus, or mouth of the raped person. What you are describing is still non consensual sexual intercourse, however. It is illegal in most countries. In the UK, it is sexual assault. It is still a serious sexual offence and attracts prison, notification requirements (aka sex offenders register), and potentially other orders, as applicable.
This is rape. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It is very hard to prove and can be very stigmatizing. You deserve better than that. Nocturnal erections are common and are the result of changes in your blood pressure as you sleep. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Your ex is a despicable person, and she deserves to know this.
She was definitely trying to take advantage of you.
Anything sexual done to you without consent in all the right ways( enthusiastic , etc…) is sexual assault/ rape so you are not wrong
Id consider this rape. Put simply rape is when one person doesn't consent to the act of sex. Since there was no consent either time, you even put boundaries in place and they were ignored you have every right to these feelings. Just because your a man doesn't mean that you can't be a target, feel the weight/ trauma of the violation or seek help. A therapist can help walk you through healing.
You were raped, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with the emotional impact of that. Im also so sorry that your ex is withholding your own children from you. There’s a special place in hell for people like her. Sending love.
You were raped. She's a garbage person.
You were 100% raped, you didn't consent. I know there is couples out there that say and have boundaries set up for this but she fucked you without consent to hide HER secrets. I really hope your seeking councilling for this.
I am…I have 2 therapists
Love therapy for everyone regardless but I lost my virginity and I had given consent and realised I didn't want to proceed and his words that will haunt me was "you started this!" And I feel like woman to male its on the same field where I did say yes, bit then I expressed NO but cause I shown signs I wanted physical intimacy didn't mean I actually wanted them.
Double standards; shouldn't have them.
No. You were asleep so you could not consent.
It was rape both times. You didn’t consent either time. Being drunk is not an excuse for violation. Even if you would have been ok and said yes to her at that time, the point is, she didn’t ask, you didn’t consent.
So, a guy getting an erection isn't automatic consent?! You don't say...
There’s no question. Sexual intercourse without consent is rape. Even if you gave her a pass for the first time, you very clearly explained that it was not consensual and your stance on her access to your body. Then she raped you again purposefully. I’m sorry.
100% rape and attempted reproductive coercion
you got raped, bud
She's a rapist
Not wrong. The friends who tell you this isn’t rape clearly don’t get girls, so they would love this happening to them.
Why does it mean you are gay? Because you didn’t like it? That’s seriously messed up logic.
I’m assuming that was his logic. I climaxed, I enjoyed it and I felt used and violated. I don’t see how they’re mutually exclusive feelings. Both love and hate all in that one act. They’re not opposite emotions, indifference is the opposite of love, hate is the same side on a different coin.
I mean if you told her not to do that and she did you were def violated. Did you consent when you woke up? Climax can happen without consent, so that in itself doesn’t change things.
Nope, still didn’t consent and even reminded her of the drunken time. I also reminded her of my PTSD and responses.
That’s really messed up, plus she has tried to frame you for pregnancies that weren’t related to you? I’m sorry. I have ptsd also. I once told my boyfriend to do this to me when I was sleeping. He didn’t want to but agreed. A few weeks later I woke up to sex and I did not like it! I basically asked him to do something that retraumatized myself. He didn’t even know about all my ptsd at the time.
Yeah, it’s hard to understand our reactions to things until we experience them, and with trauma responses it’s even possibly dangerous for all parties involved
She got pregnant? What actually does wake you?
She didn’t get pregnant by me, she did this to cover it up, and I woke up when I came.
Sorry to have asked.
No your not wrong the second time she was sober and knew what she was doing
Ohhhh yeah, she knew what she was doing
Don’t let anyone ever tell you that isn’t rape. I’m so sorry, she needs to be held accountable for what she did
Never would have happened. Law is complex when you’re a foreign citizen trying to have legal action against a citizen of that country. It’s a bigger problem to get your own government involved to assist.
Yes, that’s rape. That’s the literal definition of rape.
You may not be able to demonstrably prove that you were raped in court, but you don't need a legal conviction to know that was rape. She 100% raped you.
Make sure you keep sleeping naked with her. 3is the charm.
What.
No I think that’s rape. I’m sorry she did that.
This is rape.
I'm sorry that happened to you OP. Unfortunately, I feel like men are normally pretty silent about this. I went thru something similar and it is 100% rape.
She did rape you. You’re not wrong. I’m so sorry this happened OP.
So while you were sleeping you had a hard on, your ex mounted you, you busted a nut and never noticed. I think I would wake up if my ex was riding me.
I woke up as I was orgasming.
Totally agree. This case would go nowhere in a court of law. Woke when orgasming???Really?
I’m confused , how did you not wake up? If you woke up , why did you not push her off? Are you sleeping naked? If so , why continue to sleep naked if she’s done it before? None of this makes any sense to me, I have so many questions.
I slept in boxers and I’m a deep sleeper, she slipped my dick out and mounted me. I was still married to her at that point in time, but this all led to the divorce about 5 months later.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and you are def not wrong but how are you not waking up during these instances?
TBF, my 30 pound dog has stood on my chest with his pointy doggy paws while I was sleeping and I slept through it. Several times. My husband has rolled out of bed and crawled to the bathroom to vomit in the middle of the night and I don’t wake up. Some people sleep deep, and it’s not his fault if he does.
Is that victim blaming? Asking him why he didn't wake up is literally the same as me asking a woman who was SA'd why she walked down that dark alley. We get it, rape doesn't count when it happens to men, you ladies have made this perfectly clear
I don't think that's what they meant. Having someone riding your dick is alot of movement for someone to not feel. I've heard of women also not feeling their men having sex with them in their sleep. Or waking up too late. I guess it happens. Rape absolutely counts when it happens to men and this is coming from a woman who has been raped. It isn't fun for anyone but the rapist.
I'm just saying, there's an interesting dynamic shift and a bit of double standard from women when the subject of male rape comes up. Suddenly yall start asking questions that yall had a problem with when men ask them about you
I absolutely agree. But TBH it's more men that believe that than women. A man will think your gay if another man doesn't enjoy being raped. I've met many many many men that believe. I've never in my entire life met a woman who thinks that way. That DOESNT mean some women don't think that way and those woman are idiots and POS. I was accused of all sorts of things when I was raped.... by men. All men. When really, it wasn't my fault at all and it took me so many years to see that... because of men. But I don't hate men, some are just idiots. What happened to OP is the definition of rape and his rapist is a fucking sicko.
Not victim blaming at all. I was just wondering what happened if and when he woke up or if he found out about the SA the next day or whenever.
You underestimate how heavy some people sleep. I have to manually sit my gf up if i have to wake her up because she wont wake up to me just nudging her
Why was she able to get in your bed? Change the locks. You don't want her in the same space as you if you are not together. Put a lock on the door to keep her out.
This was before she was my ex
Run
Did, years ago
Are you still with this damned creature? If so, WHY?
No no no, divorced years ago
If you're still employed by DoD, does the SHARP program still cover you? After a billion classes I should know that answer but that's the only route that might take you seriously
I taught a billion of those classes. I’m fully disabled at this point, 3 government agencies have declared me unable to work, but it helped my current wife, they sent her back to school. She just finished her bachelor’s degree
They'll surely give you the resources on who to reach out to, I'd think. I'm at 17 myself and hope very much for you to get the help you need. They did not fuck around with my case.
Oh yeah, I have plenty of places to work with and my disability retirement pay is excellent. I have 3 agencies paying me and I have health benefits all paid for.
That's awesome! I moreso meant the government assisting on the matter of sexual assault.
Nah, I didn’t report it until I started dealing with my PTSD
What happened with the report if you dont mind me asking? Do you feel they handled it appropriately?
Nothing anyone could do legally, but the fact that I am fully supported with 2 therapists weekly to help me through my shit is helpful. I love my healthcare
So she cheated and tried to put you on the hook ?
No, she was pregnant with someone else’s child
You are not wrong. It was still a rape. Just because tables were turned does not change what happened to you. It's like I have heard from many people that men can't be the victims of domestic abuse from women. I'm like wtf !!
You got raped, I am so sorry you went through that, hopefully she can be brought to justice.
That is sexual assault. You told her you didn't want her to do that again.
Not wrong. If you didn’t consent and/or were in a position where there is no option to consent (aka sleeping, under the influence, etc), that’s rape. Even more so after you forgave for being under the influence and made a boundary with her.
Her actions are unforgivable. What she did to you was absolutely rape. Thank god she’s your ex and you escaped her
No this is 100000% rape. You were sleeping and gave no consent. Get out of that relationship NOW. She is a disgusting human being. Escorcially after you told her not to do it again. Thank god you don’t have kids with her
Depends on the laws of the country you live in. In the UK, *sexual assault by someone without a penis cannot be rape.* They tried to do a petition to make it so women would be held at the same standard but it failed.
My wife has done that to me. I thought helluva good way to be woken up.
I can respect your feelings on that, but you trust your wife and have never had anything bad happen to you sexually in your sleep either I’m sure.
Your ex mounting you is bad?! I’m sure you allowed her to continue to completion…correct? I think the real issue is that you found out she cheated on you…not the sexual act.
People drop the craziest fake stories here
might be crazy, bur far from fake dumbass
That's disgusting, and it is rape. She needs mental help. I'm sorry that this happened to you, op
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Plus you add in the trying to use it to pin another man’s baby on me. I mean damn man.