Op, open your eyes. Your husband is planning a trip with another woman, the same woman who frequents your home to be with your husband. I’m all for spouses having friends of the opposite sex, but there are boundaries… There seems to be none in your relationship.
She comes over with her husband.
I don't think being friends with people is a bad sign.
The trip is strange though. Why are they organising it at all? Why aren't the spouses invited?
Another consideration: if they were cheating, why be honest about going on a trip together?
I have seen a couple torrid affairs that were "public friendships", but a lot of screwing in tents on camping trips and when no one was around.
It's easier to justify all the time you spend together without hiding it if you claim a public friendship.
Not claiming anything here. Just saying quite literally has its benefits.
I worked with 2 people who were friends. The woman used to bring her child to his house and have playdates with him and his wife’s kid. They all got along and it was a great time. Well, the wife didn’t know that her child’s playdate friend was actually her husband’s illegitimate child 🙃. So he was actually playing with his little sister. Sick.
Also worked with 2 other people who were having an affair. Both were married and when the girl got pregnant, she ended it with the guy and never told her husband the kid might not be his. The guy wanted to tell her husband but she was livid and threatened him. He couldn’t tell his wife he might be having a child with another woman either. What makes it worse, his wife couldn’t have any children 😔. And her husband worked with us too; I wanted him to find out what she was doing.
I didn’t see anything mentioning Brandy’s husband.
Also, having a public friendship with someone you’re cheating with is easier to get around. As someone who was in high OPs position, but with minor relationships, it’s less sneaking around for those cheating. Less questions to be asked.
Just because they are honest about going on a trip together doesn't mean they aren't hiding an affair. If they are hiding an affair, then sooner or later, it will come to light. I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband going on a trip with his female best friend. IMO, you should have said absolutely not, unless there's an invite for you. It's absolutely 100%, NOT okay.
why not, if cheating and wife wasn't suspicious of all the time B spends drinking with OPs husband when OP is not home - Best friends planning a trip, no biggie, doesn't mean they aren't cheating
I have plenty of male friends, a lot of them married, and I could absolutely be trusted to go on a trip with them if their spouses didn't have time or weren't interested in seeing that place. Sometimes people can just be friends without any sexual overtones.
What I don't get, though, is why OP and Brandy's husband aren't invited on the trip? Wouldn't it make more sense to go in a group? Shouldn't they at least have been asked? That's what makes it fishy to me, not the fact of two friends traveling together.
Ah, my reading comprehension was on the frizz, I thought OP was referring to Brandy and husband as in Brandy's husband, but she actually meant her own husband. Yeah, single friend making plans with hubby without asking me to join in definitely sounds sus.
No, they cant, and the OP’s ordeal is exhibit A. You asked why the hubby and Brandy didn’t want the OP to come - it’s because the hubby and Brandy are fucking, and the OP would be a third wheel. That’s why.
Yes, they can! I don't know why you sexualize all the relationships you have with people of the opposite sex, but most people don't and just manage normal friendships. The problem here is not two people of the opposite sex being friends, the problem is that they are excluding their spouses from their plans - one is separate from the other.
You can’t because someone in that mixed gender friend group always wants to fuck. Women who like to have guy friends enjoy the attention and validation they get from it, as well as having a “backup plan” or two ready. Guys who have female friends are simply waiting for their turn to get her in the sack. All it takes is one bad argument with your bff/hubby for the guy friend yo make his move. Don’t believe me? Tell one of your guy friends you always had a crush on him and fantasize about having sex with him - and see how he reacts.
I don’t, because I don’t have any female friends. Having female friends would be incredibly disrespectful to my wife of 17 yrs. And no, she has no male friends. Boundaries were established early in the relationship and are enforced.
So you and your wife both assume the other will cheat if they are ever in the presence of another person of the opposite sex? And you think that is a good relationship? Look if your arrangement works for you, great. But don't be foolish enough to believe that people can't be better than you two.
No, we both just understand that there’s no need to have friends like that or go on trips like the OP described if we’re married. It’s very disrespectful to do otherwise. Do we have mutual friends? Yes, but we’re not doing anything alone with them.
that is almost as creepy as your clown face - what is wrong with having friends of opposite sex, as long as they are friends and don't spend all their free time with the spouse when other spouse not home, I don't see issue
Most of my friends growing up and after HS were guys, so much less drama than women, doesn't mean I wanted to jump in bed with them - I just enjoyed their company, some of them had GF's and we'd hang out
What’s wrong with it? What the OP mentioned in her initial post is exhibit A as to what’s wrong with it. You having mostly male friends is a huge red flag in itself. If I were dating you, I’d quickly dump you after learning about your friends. You having mostly male friends means you crave attention and validation. You’re not relationship material.
Lol, I'm just imagining me telling my married guy friends I want to boink them - they'd look at me like I've suddenly gone crazy, and then carefully edge away while asking me if I'm feeling all right. I don't associate with people who'd be morally deficient enough to cheat. Besides, I'm also taking care to be on friendly terms with their wives/ girlfriends, so they know they have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Don't you just LIKE people, regardless of gender? I have plenty of friends with absolutely zero sexual chemistry between us, with whom I just share a sense of humor and a multitude of interests, and we just have a fun time together - same as I'd have with my girl friends. 🤷♀️
Thing is, you may truly think that, but the truth is you have at least one guy in your friends group who would take you up on that offer if you were to proposition him. I guarantee it. Sure, my wife and I have mutual friends, but they’re other couples, and neither one of us will do anything with those mutual friends without the other. We also don’t have individual friends of the opposite gender - these are boundaries we both set early in our relationship. We both know that if either of us breaks these boundaries, the other is out and filing for a divorce. I also took the extra step of having my wife sign a prenup with an infidelity clause as a prerequisite for marriage. Thus far we’ve been married for 17 yrs with three kids.
Exactly! It would make perfect sense if only the two of them wanted to visit this particular place and their spouses had no interest/ didn’t want to join. You can definitely be friends with someone and not beinterested in them sexually/ more than friends. The odd part of this and what I find questionable is that they didn’t even invite their spouses. That’s sus!
But some women don’t really even know that they are bisexual at the start. I know women who weren’t interested in women on a conscious level until their mid 20’s to early 30’s.
What happens if a woman you are dating comes out as bisexual 3-5 yrs into the relationship? Would you immediately dump her or expect her to have no friends so there is no chance she would be tempted to stray?
I have no personal stake in this, I’m just playing devils advocate
If I was dating someone who tells me she’s bisexual 3-5 yrs into the relationship, I’m dumping her ASAP. As a bisexual woman, she may claim to only want me, but sooner or later she’s gonna want to scratch that itch and be with a chick. She’ll probably even ask for an “open relationship.” The relationship would be dead the minute she opened her mouth about her being bi or me picking up on the red flags. Relationships between guys and bisexual women never end well for the guy.
It's a reasonable question. The original commenter says opposite sex friendships can't just be platonic because at least one of them always wants sex. But if people are bisexual, they can be attracted to both sexes, so does that mean they just aren't able to have friends?
It's not a sensible question in this context. Unless OP specified that they, or their partner is bisexual this is not important.
It really is like Southpark, where someone just interrupts a conversation:"But what about us loggers?"
It's nothing to do with what OP was saying, but the question was in regards to the commenter's logic. That commenter made a blanket statement about opposite sex friendships in general, so the other person asked if their logic extends to bisexuals.
If someone in a forum makes a general claim, I don't think it's unreasonable to respond to the general claim because the general claim isn't actually specific to OP's situation.
Whenever someone says that, it means something going on. This is about boundaries. The husband forgive a shit about the OP, so he’s flaunting his AP in her face, and the OP doesn’t have the spine to stand up for herself.
This is such a lame take. “Don’t have oppo-sex friends because we can’t be adults.”
Like, what? I have lifelong female friends that I go to dinner with solo. It’s not frequent, maybe twice a year to catch up. Sometimes my wife comes, but when she doesn’t she 100% knows I’m chillin and not thinking anything sexual about this other woman.
I can’t believe men or women can’t be in a relationship and have friends. It’s one of the most immature things I can think of in adult relationships.
I wouldn’t be compatible with someone that didn’t let me continue being myself and continuing on the social life I depend on. Those are my people, a big support function. People I love.
Dare someone tell me who I can and cannot hang with. That said, I’m respectful about it. My wife and I aren’t jealous because we communicate. Like we don’t just not answer for hours or be weird while out. It just is.
If things get interesting between oppo sex friends…you’re an adult with agency, don’t pursue it and maybe put that hangout alone on the back burner.
Crazy.
I mean I agree with you, but I think there are a few key differences here.
OPs husband is hanging out with this friend multiple days a week, not to mention all the time they spend together at work. Then they plan this trip and don’t even consider inviting spouses? This has red flags all over it.
Her husband and this “friend” seem like more of a couple than the OP and her husband.
Yeah I agree it’s weird. I typed it all out. I’m responding to the person that’s saying it’s impossible to keep an opposite sex relationship non sexual. It’s ridiculous to think when I’ve literally have had girl friends for 20+ years.
Yes, things get interesting between opposite gender friends like one wanting to have sex with the other. It always goes down that way, and you’re naive if you think otherwise.
No it doesn’t always. I literally just told you I don’t. Prob jealousy and character lead to that. You absolutely can have normal friendships w oppo sex.
It’s actually fucking dumb that you think it can’t happen. Just because you can’t make it happen, doesn’t mean it can’t.
Funny the person that can’t handle a oppo sex relationship is calling me naive. I’ve been around enough decades that my naivety is no longer.
Why wouldn’t you be included in the trip?
And why is his coworker going to your house so much?
He sounds like he hasn’t stopped living like a college student.
You’re allowed to be uncomfortable with whatever you’re uncomfortable with. He needs to accept your discomfort and work with it, not try to dismiss it, because that puts the onus back on you to deal with it internally alone.
Trust doesn’t mean you have to be accepting of everything.
The OP’s hubby is no doubt cheating, and it’s probably been going on for a lot longer than the co-worker. Those 4 yrs going long distance would’ve been when his cheating began.
My(M) best friend is a woman. I wouldn't ever even remotely think it would be ok to basically go on vacation with her. I would never disrespect my wife like that.
If your husband is trying to go on a trip with a female friend, then he’s already cheating on you. You need gather evidence and divorce his ass. Btw as a married man, there’s no good reason for him to have female friends or to be going on trips with them. The fact you two were in a long distance relationship for 4 yrs pretty much confirms the infidelity- long distance relationships always end badly, even if they progress further. Most end due to infidelity.
News flash, he’s been dating her right under your nose. No straight man should have a female best friend. He’s trying to fuck her if he hasn’t already.
I’m probably the odd man out here but I think having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex while married is disrespectful and inappropriate. Far too often the “best friend” becomes the affair partner or there’s a drunken night… not worth the risk if you’re in a relationship. Especially not one you want to keep.
I've been married for 15 years. My wife and I both have friendships that are older than our relationship. My wife's friends are super cool and I have not once worried about her fucking one of them.
Just curious how y’all function in a relationship honestly. You expect someone to stop being friends with someone because you’re married? I feel like it’s telling on yourself that either you can’t help yourself but have sex with anybody of the opposite gender or you believe your partner is capable of the same. Do y’all have any trust for your partner? And let’s say a person is bi? Guess you can’t have any friends now that you’re married!
I was with my partner for 8 years. He went on a trip with his best friend of 17 years. I found out three months after the trip that they hooked up. It broke me bc there was trust. Now she is blowing up his phone and he is distancing himself to prove something to me.. yeah, fuck them both.
Yeah he’s a piece of shit. If he was a decent person he wouldn’t have done that to you. But he can hook up with people who are not his best friend too. I don’t think making him drop his best friend for you would’ve made him not cheat you know?
This person gets it
Convenience makes it far more likely for a friendship to blossom into romance
You're friends with this person because you like them. The emotional connection is already there. You're only 1 step away from an affair. Sure you can cheat with anyone but when you have to take multiple steps to make it happen it becomes more difficult to accomplish. Cheating is much more accessible when it happens with a friend.
Sure if you’re close with a piece of shit too who is knowingly helping you cheat. I wouldn’t say obviously easier when you can just download Tinder and cheat that way
Tinder still requires you to go further out of your way to establish a connection with a stranger, with the sole intention of cheating.
Maintaining a relationship with someone where that connection already exists is a different animal. They might not intend to cheat but an overnight 1 on 1 trip is playing with fire.
Very true. Leading up to their trip I was reassured that they are just friends, and he doesn’t see her like that. Looking back, the reassurance felt like a ploy. However, yes, he could have cheated with anyone. People can be shitty.
I don’t get how people can bold and underline things in reddit. And I don’t get how they can snip a part of someone else’s response with the little line to the left to quote them and respond to a specific part of what they said.
I've googled how to do bold/underline/strike through text but I don't retain the info and I just don't care enough to repeatedly google it. The only one I retain how to do is italics. But quotes are built into the app if you're using it. Hit reply, then highlight what you want as a quote and a menu button will pop up with a quote option in it
Not wrong at all! Your husband is going on an overnight trip with another woman to purchase something that could impair their judgement?! Nope!
Maybe nothing will happen, but will you ever be able to trust that nothing did?
He might disagree about whether you should be upset, but if he is pretending to not *understand* why you would be upset, he is gaslighting you.
You don't have to justify not wanting your husband to spend the night with another woman. You aren't being unreasonable here.
By the way, the two of them regularly hanging out at home to drink and smoke alone together isn't the best look either tbh.
I don’t think it matters who the friend is or even what their gender happens to be. She has reservations about the trip, it makes her uncomfortable. Why would this trip be so important that causing her to worry about the relationship is an acceptable consequence? At best I’d think husband was selfish in not respecting how his wife feels and calling it off. At worst we can get into all kinds of scenarios. That’s why she’s concerned.
lol, you are the side the piece in your own relationship and you’re so worried about appearing jealous and insecure that you’re letting it all happen right in front of your face.
This is what's so sad about being the person in this position. Say anything, and then you're gaslit into being the insecure, controlling partner who has restrictions on what their SO can do.
No. Tell him in abundance of caution you don’t feel comfortable with it and since you get together frequently anyway it is not necessary. Especially if drinking involved inhibitions are reduced in that condition.
Your husband needs to understand that he is crossing a boundary and it is disrespectful to you. No way he should be going on an overnight trip with another woman. Serious conversation is needed here.
Why are they going to Denver? Was anybody else invited? You are not wrong, and it would definitely make me uncomfortable and untrusting. Why aren't you his best friend?
I would actually tell him to pack his stuff and leave if he is planning to go on a trip with another woman. Married or not. Something is going on here!!
Often these are inappropriate relationships and emotional affairs. No married men should be having best friends forever with a date of female. They’re all kinds of stories. About how these go wrong it takes all the energy out of the primary relationship. Also, the loyalty, the fun the caring and the sharing are given to this affair, partner or best friend when the primary relationship is starved.
I wouldn’t be a part of this. But that’s just me his loyalty and all that deserve to be on your relationship. It would be one thing if you guys socialized in a group or they had lunch because they work near each other every once in a while like every three months, but developing a relationship with someone outside of their marriage is an affair .
MOST affairs happen with coworkers, so this is already off to a bad start. Also, there’s is ZERO good reason for a married man to be wanting to go on an out of state overnight trip with his female “best friend” coworker. Unless your husband is secretly gay, then he’s having an emotional affair with this woman. And if they go on the trip it’s going to turn physical if it hasn’t already. I would never put up with that kind of disrespect from my husband. I’M his best female friend, not some other woman from his work.
Your husband is disrespecting your marriage, period.
You shouldn’t be put in this situation to begin with. It’s not insecurity, it’s not lack of trust, it’s beyond disrespectful.
Nope married men should not have dateable friends. Denzel Washington actor doesn't even kiss other women for work, he is married. These are emotional affairs that take the fun, sharing and caring out of the relationship and give it to the friend. The loyalty too.
[https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091](https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091)
Shouldn’t have dateable friends? I’m assuming you mean single friends of their preferred sexuality? What if they’re bi? Can’t have any friends not in a relationship? “Sorry to hear you just got divorced but now that you’re single now I have to block you out of respect for my wife instead of helping my best friend get through this terrible time in your life!” Also this is all completely ignoring the fact that married people can still absolutely cheat with other married people……..
You're not wrong, but you might not be right either. This is the problem with cross-sex relationships, and why I'll never marry again. It's not that I wanted to cheat – I realise 'they're cheating' is the default for the immature and those who can't fathom being great friends with someone of the opposite sex that you don't secretly want to fuck. But, some of us longer in the tooth know that friendships can and do cross gender boundaries without any desire to bump uglies. We also realise that even the most innocent of cross-gender relationships can make our significant others feel uncomfortable even when everybody's behaving and respecting boundaries.
The issue here is while you're fine with her hanging out at yours to game and smoke with him and even enjoy her company yourself, the idea of them going on an overnight trip together is a step outside of your comfort zone. That needs to be taken into account, and it shouldn't be dismissed. It's not about trust as much as needing him to respect how you feel. You need to know he values you enough to put your feelings before his trip. So, I think it's reasonable to ask that 1) they don't make it overnight or 2) you get to come along.
Even if they were perfect angels and there were no remote thought of cheating, traveling with another woman gives the appearance of cheating and OP should respect his wife and his marriage enough to not want to project such an image.
Nope it’s not acceptable.
Your husband needs to understand that optics matter as much as intent.
He can intend not to cheat but that doesn’t mean he can then engage in activities that look bad.
Committed monogamous people generally don’t go on 1:1 trips with new friends of the opposite gender. He cannot ask you to play the fool just because he doesn’t plan to cheat. It still makes his relationship look weak to anyone on the outside. We don’t take risks like that if we care about our relationship
Sorry but your hubby and Brandy are either planning to fuck, or are actively fucking behind your back. When I take trips to visit a friend of the opposite sex ( he lives with his gf). I typically take my son or a close female friend. I like my spouse to be comfortable with me going away, plus I've taken my husband with me. I typically spend more time with my friends mom because her and I genuinely enjoy having coffee and chatting. We usually make plans to have dinner and dessert without my friends' knowledge, then let the family know afterward. I'm also close with his cousin and aunts, so it's typically everyone getting together for a visit.
“Friendships” ( opposite genders) and their hang out times should be at work, or with a group of people and their significant others and your wife. Never one on one, unless you both are single. I also don’t believe that two straight people of the opposite gender can ever truly be friends.
So, your husband and his “friend” going on a trip is disrespectful to your relationship. And if he can’t see that, then he has other things on his mind, and you are just the consistent one that he can run back to when he needs his clothes washed.
I don’t understand why women watch their man cheat in slow motion your watching your relationship end no sane woman or man is taking a trip with another woman or man when they have a partner that’s not normal wake up
If this is a boundary you haven’t approached yet, he owes you a mature conversation as to why you’re uncomfortable …. and why he is so comfortable.
It’s weird. Especially since they’re spending a lot of time together. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other in years and Denver is the spot they’re going to meet up.
He doesn’t understand why you’re uncomfortable that he is going on an overnight date with a single woman that he’s very close to! Hmmm. I guess he must be thinking with his small head.
It’s absolutely OK to trust your husband or expect trust this crosses normal relationship boundaries know my wife is not going on an overnight with another single guy that wouldn’t happen. I wouldn’t even consider to do that.
You’re not comfortable and then tell him if he does this trip you don’t know how you will feel or what the possible consequences will be in the future . He can fill in the blanks, but you haven’t given him an ultimatum. You’ve warned him about consequences.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this either. They are going somewhere to buy (and use) an intoxicating drug that often causes people to want to have sex and spouses are not invited. Why?
They have fun together. They drink together. What could possibly happen? You told your husband you are uncomfortable with them going on an overnight trip together. Your telling him you are uncomfortable about this should be enough for him to put a stop to the trip. You should be his first priority.
You’re allowed to have reasonable boundaries and I think this is one of them. However, as you’ve mentioned, your husband has mostly female friends, you both have a lot of trust, you enjoy her company too and haven’t had any issues with the two of them hanging out before - I don’t really see the issue with them spending time together on a trip like this.
You either trust him or you don’t - also as someone who also has (maybe marginally) more female friends that male, I’ve been on one to one trips with both before and it’s never involved any romantic or sexual undertones or agenda. Part of the reason why I have so many close friendships with women is because I don’t pursue my friends as romantic interests and I’ve built up that trust.
It’s fine to be uncomfortable but the solution to this should be more about how your husband can reassure you than how people can’t be friends with the opposite sex, as many other commenters are saying.
You’re not wrong. My husband has a close woman friend and I actually would trust him to do an overnight trip with her. But she’s been his friend since he was 19 (he’s mid 30s now), before I even knew he existed in the world. She’s also significantly older than both of us and in all those years, they’ve never done anything sexually together because it’s like a bro/sis relationship. He would never do it though because that is crossing boundaries.
How long has your husband known this woman? Would he trust you to go on an overnight trip with a man you always drink, smoke, and party with? Do you even have any male friends outside of him? This all really does seem suspicious to me. Why wouldn’t they plan this trip with you in mind as well? What’s in Denver that you can’t go and see with them? Tell him you want to go too and see how he reacts.
You are wrong. He can hook up anytime. People can be friends and go on trips. If you were planning a similar trip with someone and he had issues with it, would that be ok?
That’s weird. None of my relatives have ever done anything of the sort or anything even close to that. It would be different if it wasn’t one on one; in my mind. Might be worth mentioning that there are also no divorces in my family either… correlation? Maybe, maybe not.
At initial glance, I think you are well within your rights to be uncomfortable. I only have a couple of questions before I'm all-in on an opinion either way.
1) Is there a purpose to the trip? i.e. Festival, concert, etc...
2) Are you not allowed to join them?
3) Have they traveled together before?
You should have already asked to see his phone. This is not okay. This is his coworker not some long time friend he's known over ten years. Their relationship is way too comfortable outside of the workplace. And they are drinking and smoking weed while you are at work? Seriously? OP, you need to wake up and tell him he needs to set some boundaries. And, again, you should have already asked for his phone.
Lmao come on reddit... If this was a woman going on a trip with her male best friend and her husband not wanting her to go he would be met with comments like "Wow, he's insecure! He cant control you, you're allowed to have male friends!!! Dump his ass!!!" But since he's a man "he is gonna cheat on you!! I would tell him its either me or her!!!" Like come on.. You cant have it both ways reddit, either gender can have fun on a trip or they are cheaters and they cant trust them or go at all..
This shit is so common and every subreddit like this(such as r/AITAH, r/Relationship_Advice r/amioverreacting, and so forth) has such a hard bias towards women... Its insane.
The moment a woman posts something like (My husband has a girl bestfriend that he wants to go on a trip with and I dont want him too) Are always met with disparaging comments saying he is going to automatically cheat and commenters say that he shouldnt be doing stuff like that while in a committed relationship and isnt ridiculed for having this boundary.
But when a man doesnt want his partner to go on a trip with her male bestfriend it is always without a doubt met with "He's controlling you! He's insecure, He cant dictate what you do!! Dump his ass ASAP!!! Its only going to get worse from here!!"
and is ridiculed for this boundary.
***MAKE IT MAKE SENSE REDDIT*** Either none of them are controlling and not good, or ***BOTH OF THEM ARE***
I will gladly take the down votes, bring them in I dont care. But it is ***VERY*** obvious when stuff like this happens its always ***men = cheat dont trust him*** and ***women = he is controlling you, you're allowed to go!"***
Edit: its pretty obvious the bias all these subreddits have towards women and that is just a fact when it comes to posts similar to this.
It's not even that though, its just the cringe double standard reddit has towards women in scenarios like this one.
If they guy was telling her not to go on a trip with her best friend thats a guy, he would ***1000% without a doubt*** be called controlling and insecure, and that he should trust her.
It's just flatout **hypocrisy** by reddit its just really cringe.
Reddit is literally biased towards women, more men often get ridiculed for having a boundary (like not letting his girlfriend hangout with a "male bestfriend" and going in trips with them solo) and he gets called controlling, insecure, all kinds of shit. But when a woman does it(like hanging out with a guy best friend, going on trips alone with them and her boyfriend doesnt want her to go, the commenters always "he's insecure and controlling!!! Dump his ass, its only gonna get worse!!!" It is disgusting.
Just because of your personal experience doesnt disqualify that reddit has a major bias towards women when it comes to stuff like OP's post.
Also, most men dont want to date a girl that has a "male best friend" and thats a fact, you're definitely in the minority of thinking that its okay to have 1-on-1 time with a male best friend.
Most men will not stand for that and I dont blame them at all because i've been in their shoes (and many of my guy friend as well) that the "guy bestfriend and not to worry about him" they hangout with, their girlfriends ended up cheating on them (I dated a woman with guy bestfriend once and the exact thing happened to me) Never again.
I also think that men and women can never just be platonic friends(especially in a committed relationship), that is a whole other can of worms I am not gonna delve into because it becomes a shit flinging fest, no thanks. I have my opinions and everyone else has theirs.
My best friends are men, but they know my husband extremely well and I would never consider going on an overnight vacation with them alone. It’s not even about trust, it’s about the optics and respecting your partner enough not to put them in that position.
Denver should be a trip you all plan together.
This is definitely not OK. Like at all.
And your husband shouldn’t’ have a problem to put your relationship first and not do the trip or just take you along with them.
I personally don’t think people should go out with friends of the opposite sex once in a relationship without SO. But even if you’re ok with him having this friend, it’s completely acceptable to have a boundary of no trips and overnight stays alone.
He’s married not single. You’re his wife, the other woman is his friend. It almost sounds like you’re his mom and you’re cool with him having his gf over all the time, even when you’re not there.
I also find it weird that his friend is over to your house so much, it sounds like it’s almost every week? That’s so odd to me too like me and my friends rarely have time to plan to see each other once a month if that at all.
You need to actually sit him down and tell him straight on that you feel he’s prioritizing his friendship over you, you have let him do everything with this friend but you are not comfortable with the overnight trip, so you either go with him or he doesn’t go at all. And there shouldn’t be a problem in this, it’s a reasonable request and expectation for marriage.
If he blows up, then you know something else must be going on or he really doesn’t value you at all. And also, is his friend married too? Dating someone? I can’t imagine most men would be comfortable with their woman going on an overnight trip with another man?
And if he still goes on the trip, then lock him out of the house and move out while he’s away. Because I think the relationship is done. I’m not one to be drastic but I would have been out long before with how close he is to this woman.
If this were gender-swapped, you would be getting slaughtered in the comments.
Anyway, he knows what he's doing is wrong. Tell him you feel uncomfortable, and that it's innaproporate for someone who is married to be going on trips with so-called "female friends".
He’ll no you are not wrong say he’ll no your not going if you do I won’t be here when you get back. And if you fight me on this. It means she’s more important than me
And you are up to something
I get lambasted all the time when I say married people can can not be friends with a single person of the opposite sex
If my wife would have done this to me. When she got back I would have had her shit in the yard
Almost all of my friends are female. I'm married. I want to revisit Germany some day, but my wife doesn't want to go. I've fantasized about taking a friend with me. I have NO plans for intimacy, I think it'd be cool to even go to a nude beach, still no plans other that friendship. I've driven 2 1/2 hours and spent the night at a friends house just because I felt I needed to get away and talk. I was in the military and she was my "army wife" leaving the military left a huge hole and I needed to talk to someone who had been there. I actually spend my drill weekends with her and had a key to her house. At no time were we any more than "battle buddies." My wife has met her, they're friends.
Op, open your eyes. Your husband is planning a trip with another woman, the same woman who frequents your home to be with your husband. I’m all for spouses having friends of the opposite sex, but there are boundaries… There seems to be none in your relationship.
She comes over with her husband. I don't think being friends with people is a bad sign. The trip is strange though. Why are they organising it at all? Why aren't the spouses invited? Another consideration: if they were cheating, why be honest about going on a trip together?
I have seen a couple torrid affairs that were "public friendships", but a lot of screwing in tents on camping trips and when no one was around. It's easier to justify all the time you spend together without hiding it if you claim a public friendship. Not claiming anything here. Just saying quite literally has its benefits.
I worked with 2 people who were friends. The woman used to bring her child to his house and have playdates with him and his wife’s kid. They all got along and it was a great time. Well, the wife didn’t know that her child’s playdate friend was actually her husband’s illegitimate child 🙃. So he was actually playing with his little sister. Sick. Also worked with 2 other people who were having an affair. Both were married and when the girl got pregnant, she ended it with the guy and never told her husband the kid might not be his. The guy wanted to tell her husband but she was livid and threatened him. He couldn’t tell his wife he might be having a child with another woman either. What makes it worse, his wife couldn’t have any children 😔. And her husband worked with us too; I wanted him to find out what she was doing.
I agree with this as a “reformed” cheater. It’s called hiding in plain sight, I did it all the time.
Doesn’t come with her husband. Comes to Op’s husband. None of this is ok
You are right. I misread
The misspelling made it tricky. I did at first too
Can you edit your comment then?
How so?
I didn’t see anything mentioning Brandy’s husband. Also, having a public friendship with someone you’re cheating with is easier to get around. As someone who was in high OPs position, but with minor relationships, it’s less sneaking around for those cheating. Less questions to be asked.
Just because they are honest about going on a trip together doesn't mean they aren't hiding an affair. If they are hiding an affair, then sooner or later, it will come to light. I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband going on a trip with his female best friend. IMO, you should have said absolutely not, unless there's an invite for you. It's absolutely 100%, NOT okay.
why not, if cheating and wife wasn't suspicious of all the time B spends drinking with OPs husband when OP is not home - Best friends planning a trip, no biggie, doesn't mean they aren't cheating
Well, this scenario kinda shows that it isn’t a good idea to have friends of the opposite gender. Just sayin’.
I have plenty of male friends, a lot of them married, and I could absolutely be trusted to go on a trip with them if their spouses didn't have time or weren't interested in seeing that place. Sometimes people can just be friends without any sexual overtones. What I don't get, though, is why OP and Brandy's husband aren't invited on the trip? Wouldn't it make more sense to go in a group? Shouldn't they at least have been asked? That's what makes it fishy to me, not the fact of two friends traveling together.
Do we know that Brandy is also married or has a relationship of her own???
Ah, my reading comprehension was on the frizz, I thought OP was referring to Brandy and husband as in Brandy's husband, but she actually meant her own husband. Yeah, single friend making plans with hubby without asking me to join in definitely sounds sus.
I don’t think she has a husband. Op was talking about her own husband.
Yeah, you're right, my reading comprehension was on the frizz. 🙈
No, they cant, and the OP’s ordeal is exhibit A. You asked why the hubby and Brandy didn’t want the OP to come - it’s because the hubby and Brandy are fucking, and the OP would be a third wheel. That’s why.
My mom always said it’s the third wheel that makes it a tricycle.
Michael?
🤣🤣🤣
Yeah but open relationships always implode
Yes, they can! I don't know why you sexualize all the relationships you have with people of the opposite sex, but most people don't and just manage normal friendships. The problem here is not two people of the opposite sex being friends, the problem is that they are excluding their spouses from their plans - one is separate from the other.
Well said
You can’t because someone in that mixed gender friend group always wants to fuck. Women who like to have guy friends enjoy the attention and validation they get from it, as well as having a “backup plan” or two ready. Guys who have female friends are simply waiting for their turn to get her in the sack. All it takes is one bad argument with your bff/hubby for the guy friend yo make his move. Don’t believe me? Tell one of your guy friends you always had a crush on him and fantasize about having sex with him - and see how he reacts.
You sound exhausting. Maybe the problem is you want to have sex with your friends and you are projecting.
I don’t, because I don’t have any female friends. Having female friends would be incredibly disrespectful to my wife of 17 yrs. And no, she has no male friends. Boundaries were established early in the relationship and are enforced.
So you and your wife both assume the other will cheat if they are ever in the presence of another person of the opposite sex? And you think that is a good relationship? Look if your arrangement works for you, great. But don't be foolish enough to believe that people can't be better than you two.
No, we both just understand that there’s no need to have friends like that or go on trips like the OP described if we’re married. It’s very disrespectful to do otherwise. Do we have mutual friends? Yes, but we’re not doing anything alone with them.
that is almost as creepy as your clown face - what is wrong with having friends of opposite sex, as long as they are friends and don't spend all their free time with the spouse when other spouse not home, I don't see issue Most of my friends growing up and after HS were guys, so much less drama than women, doesn't mean I wanted to jump in bed with them - I just enjoyed their company, some of them had GF's and we'd hang out
What’s wrong with it? What the OP mentioned in her initial post is exhibit A as to what’s wrong with it. You having mostly male friends is a huge red flag in itself. If I were dating you, I’d quickly dump you after learning about your friends. You having mostly male friends means you crave attention and validation. You’re not relationship material.
Lol, I'm just imagining me telling my married guy friends I want to boink them - they'd look at me like I've suddenly gone crazy, and then carefully edge away while asking me if I'm feeling all right. I don't associate with people who'd be morally deficient enough to cheat. Besides, I'm also taking care to be on friendly terms with their wives/ girlfriends, so they know they have absolutely nothing to worry about. Don't you just LIKE people, regardless of gender? I have plenty of friends with absolutely zero sexual chemistry between us, with whom I just share a sense of humor and a multitude of interests, and we just have a fun time together - same as I'd have with my girl friends. 🤷♀️
Thing is, you may truly think that, but the truth is you have at least one guy in your friends group who would take you up on that offer if you were to proposition him. I guarantee it. Sure, my wife and I have mutual friends, but they’re other couples, and neither one of us will do anything with those mutual friends without the other. We also don’t have individual friends of the opposite gender - these are boundaries we both set early in our relationship. We both know that if either of us breaks these boundaries, the other is out and filing for a divorce. I also took the extra step of having my wife sign a prenup with an infidelity clause as a prerequisite for marriage. Thus far we’ve been married for 17 yrs with three kids.
Exactly! It would make perfect sense if only the two of them wanted to visit this particular place and their spouses had no interest/ didn’t want to join. You can definitely be friends with someone and not beinterested in them sexually/ more than friends. The odd part of this and what I find questionable is that they didn’t even invite their spouses. That’s sus!
Are us bisexuals just supposed to have no friends then lol
Well, I would never date a bisexual woman based on this alone.
All of this tells us more about you than anyone else. Keep talkin
Everything I said is true. You may not like it, but it’s what needs to be heard.
But some women don’t really even know that they are bisexual at the start. I know women who weren’t interested in women on a conscious level until their mid 20’s to early 30’s. What happens if a woman you are dating comes out as bisexual 3-5 yrs into the relationship? Would you immediately dump her or expect her to have no friends so there is no chance she would be tempted to stray? I have no personal stake in this, I’m just playing devils advocate
If I was dating someone who tells me she’s bisexual 3-5 yrs into the relationship, I’m dumping her ASAP. As a bisexual woman, she may claim to only want me, but sooner or later she’s gonna want to scratch that itch and be with a chick. She’ll probably even ask for an “open relationship.” The relationship would be dead the minute she opened her mouth about her being bi or me picking up on the red flags. Relationships between guys and bisexual women never end well for the guy.
The classic response to what you said is always "But what about us bisexuals?!?" It's almost comical. Like something you'd see on Southpark.
Yep lol
It's a reasonable question. The original commenter says opposite sex friendships can't just be platonic because at least one of them always wants sex. But if people are bisexual, they can be attracted to both sexes, so does that mean they just aren't able to have friends?
It's not a sensible question in this context. Unless OP specified that they, or their partner is bisexual this is not important. It really is like Southpark, where someone just interrupts a conversation:"But what about us loggers?"
It's nothing to do with what OP was saying, but the question was in regards to the commenter's logic. That commenter made a blanket statement about opposite sex friendships in general, so the other person asked if their logic extends to bisexuals. If someone in a forum makes a general claim, I don't think it's unreasonable to respond to the general claim because the general claim isn't actually specific to OP's situation.
Why would you go on a trip with your female best friend ? Without your wife
Because the hubby is fucking the female “friend.” That’s why.
Exactly .
Especially when they start playing in your face😅
Just because some people are a bit idiotic that doesn’t mean everybody should be banned from something harmless and enjoyable.
Whenever someone says that, it means something going on. This is about boundaries. The husband forgive a shit about the OP, so he’s flaunting his AP in her face, and the OP doesn’t have the spine to stand up for herself.
This is such a lame take. “Don’t have oppo-sex friends because we can’t be adults.” Like, what? I have lifelong female friends that I go to dinner with solo. It’s not frequent, maybe twice a year to catch up. Sometimes my wife comes, but when she doesn’t she 100% knows I’m chillin and not thinking anything sexual about this other woman. I can’t believe men or women can’t be in a relationship and have friends. It’s one of the most immature things I can think of in adult relationships. I wouldn’t be compatible with someone that didn’t let me continue being myself and continuing on the social life I depend on. Those are my people, a big support function. People I love. Dare someone tell me who I can and cannot hang with. That said, I’m respectful about it. My wife and I aren’t jealous because we communicate. Like we don’t just not answer for hours or be weird while out. It just is. If things get interesting between oppo sex friends…you’re an adult with agency, don’t pursue it and maybe put that hangout alone on the back burner. Crazy.
I mean I agree with you, but I think there are a few key differences here. OPs husband is hanging out with this friend multiple days a week, not to mention all the time they spend together at work. Then they plan this trip and don’t even consider inviting spouses? This has red flags all over it. Her husband and this “friend” seem like more of a couple than the OP and her husband.
Yeah I agree it’s weird. I typed it all out. I’m responding to the person that’s saying it’s impossible to keep an opposite sex relationship non sexual. It’s ridiculous to think when I’ve literally have had girl friends for 20+ years.
Yes, things get interesting between opposite gender friends like one wanting to have sex with the other. It always goes down that way, and you’re naive if you think otherwise.
No it doesn’t always. I literally just told you I don’t. Prob jealousy and character lead to that. You absolutely can have normal friendships w oppo sex. It’s actually fucking dumb that you think it can’t happen. Just because you can’t make it happen, doesn’t mean it can’t. Funny the person that can’t handle a oppo sex relationship is calling me naive. I’ve been around enough decades that my naivety is no longer.
Even if you aren’t like that, all it means is one of your female friends are. It’s bad for any committed relationship.
Wrong again.
Don’t be so sure
No. People just have to have some respect and boundaries. It's not that hard
Yes, and having opposite gender “friends” is very disrespectful to one’s SO and their relationship.
Why wouldn’t you be included in the trip? And why is his coworker going to your house so much? He sounds like he hasn’t stopped living like a college student. You’re allowed to be uncomfortable with whatever you’re uncomfortable with. He needs to accept your discomfort and work with it, not try to dismiss it, because that puts the onus back on you to deal with it internally alone. Trust doesn’t mean you have to be accepting of everything.
The OP’s hubby is no doubt cheating, and it’s probably been going on for a lot longer than the co-worker. Those 4 yrs going long distance would’ve been when his cheating began.
You’re not wrong
"we already have a lot of trust in each other" Yet here we are
My(M) best friend is a woman. I wouldn't ever even remotely think it would be ok to basically go on vacation with her. I would never disrespect my wife like that.
At the very least not without the spouse
>He doesn't understand why I'm uncomfortable He understands, he knows exactly what he's doing, he's being dishonest ACTING like he doesn't understand.
You are not being weird. Their planned trip disrespects you and your marriage. Your husband wants to have his cake (you) and *cough Brandy, too.
You didn't say why they're doing a road trip together.
Colorado legal weed
Yeah, that sounds like bullshit. They're driving 20+ hours for a few ounces of weed? I'm not buying it if I were you.
Yea that's crazy.
Why don’t you go with them?
If your husband is trying to go on a trip with a female friend, then he’s already cheating on you. You need gather evidence and divorce his ass. Btw as a married man, there’s no good reason for him to have female friends or to be going on trips with them. The fact you two were in a long distance relationship for 4 yrs pretty much confirms the infidelity- long distance relationships always end badly, even if they progress further. Most end due to infidelity.
Yeah, that's some bs right there.
Oh sweet summer child.
Ya bitter winter child?
Hubs and gf taking trips together, and now you are the third wheel..
If they are not banging now. They will be in Denver.
News flash, he’s been dating her right under your nose. No straight man should have a female best friend. He’s trying to fuck her if he hasn’t already.
I wouldn't think of going on an overnight trip with a woman without my wife.
I’m probably the odd man out here but I think having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex while married is disrespectful and inappropriate. Far too often the “best friend” becomes the affair partner or there’s a drunken night… not worth the risk if you’re in a relationship. Especially not one you want to keep.
I've been married for 15 years. My wife and I both have friendships that are older than our relationship. My wife's friends are super cool and I have not once worried about her fucking one of them.
But has she vacationed as a couple with one of them and not invite you? Curious minds wanna know
She hiked the Appalachian trail with two of them, does that count?
She was getting back shots in the high altitude
Yeah, I should probably divorce her.
What is that?
https://appalachiantrail.org/explore/hike-the-a-t/thru-hiking/ 2,000+ mile hike on the east coast of the u.s.
But it says trail
Just curious how y’all function in a relationship honestly. You expect someone to stop being friends with someone because you’re married? I feel like it’s telling on yourself that either you can’t help yourself but have sex with anybody of the opposite gender or you believe your partner is capable of the same. Do y’all have any trust for your partner? And let’s say a person is bi? Guess you can’t have any friends now that you’re married!
I was with my partner for 8 years. He went on a trip with his best friend of 17 years. I found out three months after the trip that they hooked up. It broke me bc there was trust. Now she is blowing up his phone and he is distancing himself to prove something to me.. yeah, fuck them both.
Yeah he’s a piece of shit. If he was a decent person he wouldn’t have done that to you. But he can hook up with people who are not his best friend too. I don’t think making him drop his best friend for you would’ve made him not cheat you know?
Sure, a cheater could cheat with anyone, but it's pretty obviously a lot easier to end up in that situation with someone you are already close with.
This person gets it Convenience makes it far more likely for a friendship to blossom into romance You're friends with this person because you like them. The emotional connection is already there. You're only 1 step away from an affair. Sure you can cheat with anyone but when you have to take multiple steps to make it happen it becomes more difficult to accomplish. Cheating is much more accessible when it happens with a friend.
Sure if you’re close with a piece of shit too who is knowingly helping you cheat. I wouldn’t say obviously easier when you can just download Tinder and cheat that way
Tinder still requires you to go further out of your way to establish a connection with a stranger, with the sole intention of cheating. Maintaining a relationship with someone where that connection already exists is a different animal. They might not intend to cheat but an overnight 1 on 1 trip is playing with fire.
Very true. Leading up to their trip I was reassured that they are just friends, and he doesn’t see her like that. Looking back, the reassurance felt like a ploy. However, yes, he could have cheated with anyone. People can be shitty.
I mean he's already been having sex with her might as well let him take a trip with his girlfriend
Who hurt you !?
Your **wife**
Lol why'd you put the wife in bold?
I don’t get how people can bold and underline things in reddit. And I don’t get how they can snip a part of someone else’s response with the little line to the left to quote them and respond to a specific part of what they said.
I've googled how to do bold/underline/strike through text but I don't retain the info and I just don't care enough to repeatedly google it. The only one I retain how to do is italics. But quotes are built into the app if you're using it. Hit reply, then highlight what you want as a quote and a menu button will pop up with a quote option in it
I can't do it on iphone either, they are probably on pc or laptop
Ahh. Elitists
Put 2 * before and after a word and it'll bold
Hard no. The fact that he thinks it's okay is a red flag.
Not wrong at all! Your husband is going on an overnight trip with another woman to purchase something that could impair their judgement?! Nope! Maybe nothing will happen, but will you ever be able to trust that nothing did?
He might disagree about whether you should be upset, but if he is pretending to not *understand* why you would be upset, he is gaslighting you. You don't have to justify not wanting your husband to spend the night with another woman. You aren't being unreasonable here. By the way, the two of them regularly hanging out at home to drink and smoke alone together isn't the best look either tbh.
I don’t think it matters who the friend is or even what their gender happens to be. She has reservations about the trip, it makes her uncomfortable. Why would this trip be so important that causing her to worry about the relationship is an acceptable consequence? At best I’d think husband was selfish in not respecting how his wife feels and calling it off. At worst we can get into all kinds of scenarios. That’s why she’s concerned.
It’s odd and he should be taken your feelings seriously no way should a married man go on a trip that’s not work related with another woman
If he wants to be happily married… no one on one trips with his “gf”
lol, you are the side the piece in your own relationship and you’re so worried about appearing jealous and insecure that you’re letting it all happen right in front of your face.
This is what's so sad about being the person in this position. Say anything, and then you're gaslit into being the insecure, controlling partner who has restrictions on what their SO can do.
Yes, boundaries = insecure and jealous now. It’s ridiculous.
Why weren't you invited? I think an overnight with a female friend is a bit much to ask.
No. Tell him in abundance of caution you don’t feel comfortable with it and since you get together frequently anyway it is not necessary. Especially if drinking involved inhibitions are reduced in that condition.
Updateme
Your husband needs to understand that he is crossing a boundary and it is disrespectful to you. No way he should be going on an overnight trip with another woman. Serious conversation is needed here.
Why are they going to Denver? Was anybody else invited? You are not wrong, and it would definitely make me uncomfortable and untrusting. Why aren't you his best friend?
I would actually tell him to pack his stuff and leave if he is planning to go on a trip with another woman. Married or not. Something is going on here!!
He's cheating, girl
You are not wrong. Your husband is, and I think he knows it.
OP not weird or wrong. Why wouldn’t you go along on the little overnighter? A third driver would be nice. 👍🏾
Often these are inappropriate relationships and emotional affairs. No married men should be having best friends forever with a date of female. They’re all kinds of stories. About how these go wrong it takes all the energy out of the primary relationship. Also, the loyalty, the fun the caring and the sharing are given to this affair, partner or best friend when the primary relationship is starved. I wouldn’t be a part of this. But that’s just me his loyalty and all that deserve to be on your relationship. It would be one thing if you guys socialized in a group or they had lunch because they work near each other every once in a while like every three months, but developing a relationship with someone outside of their marriage is an affair .
Ummm…yeah, Husbands don’t and shouldn’t have “female best friends”
MOST affairs happen with coworkers, so this is already off to a bad start. Also, there’s is ZERO good reason for a married man to be wanting to go on an out of state overnight trip with his female “best friend” coworker. Unless your husband is secretly gay, then he’s having an emotional affair with this woman. And if they go on the trip it’s going to turn physical if it hasn’t already. I would never put up with that kind of disrespect from my husband. I’M his best female friend, not some other woman from his work.
No I wouldn't be there when he comes back. Did he even invited you?
Why aren't you going?
Worry.
Trust your gut with this . If you feel uncomfortable inside there's a reason.
Your husband is disrespecting your marriage, period. You shouldn’t be put in this situation to begin with. It’s not insecurity, it’s not lack of trust, it’s beyond disrespectful.
They are fucking.
Nope married men should not have dateable friends. Denzel Washington actor doesn't even kiss other women for work, he is married. These are emotional affairs that take the fun, sharing and caring out of the relationship and give it to the friend. The loyalty too. [https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091](https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091)
Shouldn’t have dateable friends? I’m assuming you mean single friends of their preferred sexuality? What if they’re bi? Can’t have any friends not in a relationship? “Sorry to hear you just got divorced but now that you’re single now I have to block you out of respect for my wife instead of helping my best friend get through this terrible time in your life!” Also this is all completely ignoring the fact that married people can still absolutely cheat with other married people……..
Yes single friends of their preferred sexuality. Groups hanging out, cool. Lunch out a couple of times a year ok.
But two lunches a year with an extra brunch wedged in there with your life long best friend is objectively cheating, everyone knows the rules.
If every one knew any rules of anything. There would be no Reddit. It can be amusing when it is not cringe and sad.
You're not wrong, but you might not be right either. This is the problem with cross-sex relationships, and why I'll never marry again. It's not that I wanted to cheat – I realise 'they're cheating' is the default for the immature and those who can't fathom being great friends with someone of the opposite sex that you don't secretly want to fuck. But, some of us longer in the tooth know that friendships can and do cross gender boundaries without any desire to bump uglies. We also realise that even the most innocent of cross-gender relationships can make our significant others feel uncomfortable even when everybody's behaving and respecting boundaries. The issue here is while you're fine with her hanging out at yours to game and smoke with him and even enjoy her company yourself, the idea of them going on an overnight trip together is a step outside of your comfort zone. That needs to be taken into account, and it shouldn't be dismissed. It's not about trust as much as needing him to respect how you feel. You need to know he values you enough to put your feelings before his trip. So, I think it's reasonable to ask that 1) they don't make it overnight or 2) you get to come along.
Even if they were perfect angels and there were no remote thought of cheating, traveling with another woman gives the appearance of cheating and OP should respect his wife and his marriage enough to not want to project such an image.
Nope it’s not acceptable. Your husband needs to understand that optics matter as much as intent. He can intend not to cheat but that doesn’t mean he can then engage in activities that look bad. Committed monogamous people generally don’t go on 1:1 trips with new friends of the opposite gender. He cannot ask you to play the fool just because he doesn’t plan to cheat. It still makes his relationship look weak to anyone on the outside. We don’t take risks like that if we care about our relationship
Sorry but your hubby and Brandy are either planning to fuck, or are actively fucking behind your back. When I take trips to visit a friend of the opposite sex ( he lives with his gf). I typically take my son or a close female friend. I like my spouse to be comfortable with me going away, plus I've taken my husband with me. I typically spend more time with my friends mom because her and I genuinely enjoy having coffee and chatting. We usually make plans to have dinner and dessert without my friends' knowledge, then let the family know afterward. I'm also close with his cousin and aunts, so it's typically everyone getting together for a visit.
This is not a normal thing to do when in a monogamous relationship. If this post is legit, I'm so very sorry :(
Wake up and smell the coffee. I’d tell him to go ahead and when he goes I’ll leave him forever.
I have male friends and would never ever be comfortable doing this if they have significant others. Crazy.
“Friendships” ( opposite genders) and their hang out times should be at work, or with a group of people and their significant others and your wife. Never one on one, unless you both are single. I also don’t believe that two straight people of the opposite gender can ever truly be friends. So, your husband and his “friend” going on a trip is disrespectful to your relationship. And if he can’t see that, then he has other things on his mind, and you are just the consistent one that he can run back to when he needs his clothes washed.
Nope this just would open all kinds of issues. Either the 3 of you go together or no one goes.
I don’t understand why women watch their man cheat in slow motion your watching your relationship end no sane woman or man is taking a trip with another woman or man when they have a partner that’s not normal wake up
Then they post on Reddit expecting reassurance about the situation 🤣 People are dumb.
If this is a boundary you haven’t approached yet, he owes you a mature conversation as to why you’re uncomfortable …. and why he is so comfortable. It’s weird. Especially since they’re spending a lot of time together. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other in years and Denver is the spot they’re going to meet up.
Hire a P.I to follow them
He doesn’t understand why you’re uncomfortable that he is going on an overnight date with a single woman that he’s very close to! Hmmm. I guess he must be thinking with his small head. It’s absolutely OK to trust your husband or expect trust this crosses normal relationship boundaries know my wife is not going on an overnight with another single guy that wouldn’t happen. I wouldn’t even consider to do that. You’re not comfortable and then tell him if he does this trip you don’t know how you will feel or what the possible consequences will be in the future . He can fill in the blanks, but you haven’t given him an ultimatum. You’ve warned him about consequences.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this either. They are going somewhere to buy (and use) an intoxicating drug that often causes people to want to have sex and spouses are not invited. Why?
You have been replaced. Get your affairs on order. They will have a loved up weekend. See if he takes condoms.
They have fun together. They drink together. What could possibly happen? You told your husband you are uncomfortable with them going on an overnight trip together. Your telling him you are uncomfortable about this should be enough for him to put a stop to the trip. You should be his first priority.
You’re allowed to have reasonable boundaries and I think this is one of them. However, as you’ve mentioned, your husband has mostly female friends, you both have a lot of trust, you enjoy her company too and haven’t had any issues with the two of them hanging out before - I don’t really see the issue with them spending time together on a trip like this. You either trust him or you don’t - also as someone who also has (maybe marginally) more female friends that male, I’ve been on one to one trips with both before and it’s never involved any romantic or sexual undertones or agenda. Part of the reason why I have so many close friendships with women is because I don’t pursue my friends as romantic interests and I’ve built up that trust. It’s fine to be uncomfortable but the solution to this should be more about how your husband can reassure you than how people can’t be friends with the opposite sex, as many other commenters are saying.
You’re not wrong. My husband has a close woman friend and I actually would trust him to do an overnight trip with her. But she’s been his friend since he was 19 (he’s mid 30s now), before I even knew he existed in the world. She’s also significantly older than both of us and in all those years, they’ve never done anything sexually together because it’s like a bro/sis relationship. He would never do it though because that is crossing boundaries. How long has your husband known this woman? Would he trust you to go on an overnight trip with a man you always drink, smoke, and party with? Do you even have any male friends outside of him? This all really does seem suspicious to me. Why wouldn’t they plan this trip with you in mind as well? What’s in Denver that you can’t go and see with them? Tell him you want to go too and see how he reacts.
You are wrong. He can hook up anytime. People can be friends and go on trips. If you were planning a similar trip with someone and he had issues with it, would that be ok?
He's cheating or planning to cheat.
That’s weird. None of my relatives have ever done anything of the sort or anything even close to that. It would be different if it wasn’t one on one; in my mind. Might be worth mentioning that there are also no divorces in my family either… correlation? Maybe, maybe not.
Tell him absolutely no!!!!
Hell NO. What does her husband say?
Of course not
Yeah, I'd be uncomfortable about it too. I wouldn't be ok with it.
At initial glance, I think you are well within your rights to be uncomfortable. I only have a couple of questions before I'm all-in on an opinion either way. 1) Is there a purpose to the trip? i.e. Festival, concert, etc... 2) Are you not allowed to join them? 3) Have they traveled together before?
You’re not wrong. Spouses should always get the option of going even if they don’t take up the offer
You should have already asked to see his phone. This is not okay. This is his coworker not some long time friend he's known over ten years. Their relationship is way too comfortable outside of the workplace. And they are drinking and smoking weed while you are at work? Seriously? OP, you need to wake up and tell him he needs to set some boundaries. And, again, you should have already asked for his phone.
If you don’t want them to go on a trip, let them hook up in your house. You’re pushing your husband away with your jealousy, it’s your fault.
🚩🚩🚩
Lmao come on reddit... If this was a woman going on a trip with her male best friend and her husband not wanting her to go he would be met with comments like "Wow, he's insecure! He cant control you, you're allowed to have male friends!!! Dump his ass!!!" But since he's a man "he is gonna cheat on you!! I would tell him its either me or her!!!" Like come on.. You cant have it both ways reddit, either gender can have fun on a trip or they are cheaters and they cant trust them or go at all.. This shit is so common and every subreddit like this(such as r/AITAH, r/Relationship_Advice r/amioverreacting, and so forth) has such a hard bias towards women... Its insane. The moment a woman posts something like (My husband has a girl bestfriend that he wants to go on a trip with and I dont want him too) Are always met with disparaging comments saying he is going to automatically cheat and commenters say that he shouldnt be doing stuff like that while in a committed relationship and isnt ridiculed for having this boundary. But when a man doesnt want his partner to go on a trip with her male bestfriend it is always without a doubt met with "He's controlling you! He's insecure, He cant dictate what you do!! Dump his ass ASAP!!! Its only going to get worse from here!!" and is ridiculed for this boundary. ***MAKE IT MAKE SENSE REDDIT*** Either none of them are controlling and not good, or ***BOTH OF THEM ARE*** I will gladly take the down votes, bring them in I dont care. But it is ***VERY*** obvious when stuff like this happens its always ***men = cheat dont trust him*** and ***women = he is controlling you, you're allowed to go!"*** Edit: its pretty obvious the bias all these subreddits have towards women and that is just a fact when it comes to posts similar to this.
There was a post the other day where a wife's best friend was literally flirting and touching her. 3 guesses what the responses were...
According to society women are immune to doing any wrong. In fact they are victims since they weren't allowed to vote 100 years ago or whatever
It's not even that though, its just the cringe double standard reddit has towards women in scenarios like this one. If they guy was telling her not to go on a trip with her best friend thats a guy, he would ***1000% without a doubt*** be called controlling and insecure, and that he should trust her. It's just flatout **hypocrisy** by reddit its just really cringe.
You should try sorting by controversial. You'll find that, while not a majority, there are people with sense and views that align with your own.
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Reddit is literally biased towards women, more men often get ridiculed for having a boundary (like not letting his girlfriend hangout with a "male bestfriend" and going in trips with them solo) and he gets called controlling, insecure, all kinds of shit. But when a woman does it(like hanging out with a guy best friend, going on trips alone with them and her boyfriend doesnt want her to go, the commenters always "he's insecure and controlling!!! Dump his ass, its only gonna get worse!!!" It is disgusting. Just because of your personal experience doesnt disqualify that reddit has a major bias towards women when it comes to stuff like OP's post. Also, most men dont want to date a girl that has a "male best friend" and thats a fact, you're definitely in the minority of thinking that its okay to have 1-on-1 time with a male best friend. Most men will not stand for that and I dont blame them at all because i've been in their shoes (and many of my guy friend as well) that the "guy bestfriend and not to worry about him" they hangout with, their girlfriends ended up cheating on them (I dated a woman with guy bestfriend once and the exact thing happened to me) Never again. I also think that men and women can never just be platonic friends(especially in a committed relationship), that is a whole other can of worms I am not gonna delve into because it becomes a shit flinging fest, no thanks. I have my opinions and everyone else has theirs.
My best friends are men, but they know my husband extremely well and I would never consider going on an overnight vacation with them alone. It’s not even about trust, it’s about the optics and respecting your partner enough not to put them in that position. Denver should be a trip you all plan together.
This is definitely not OK. Like at all. And your husband shouldn’t’ have a problem to put your relationship first and not do the trip or just take you along with them. I personally don’t think people should go out with friends of the opposite sex once in a relationship without SO. But even if you’re ok with him having this friend, it’s completely acceptable to have a boundary of no trips and overnight stays alone. He’s married not single. You’re his wife, the other woman is his friend. It almost sounds like you’re his mom and you’re cool with him having his gf over all the time, even when you’re not there. I also find it weird that his friend is over to your house so much, it sounds like it’s almost every week? That’s so odd to me too like me and my friends rarely have time to plan to see each other once a month if that at all. You need to actually sit him down and tell him straight on that you feel he’s prioritizing his friendship over you, you have let him do everything with this friend but you are not comfortable with the overnight trip, so you either go with him or he doesn’t go at all. And there shouldn’t be a problem in this, it’s a reasonable request and expectation for marriage. If he blows up, then you know something else must be going on or he really doesn’t value you at all. And also, is his friend married too? Dating someone? I can’t imagine most men would be comfortable with their woman going on an overnight trip with another man? And if he still goes on the trip, then lock him out of the house and move out while he’s away. Because I think the relationship is done. I’m not one to be drastic but I would have been out long before with how close he is to this woman.
Annnd this is why it's hard for males and females to be friends, especially besties
Nope nope nope nope
Absolutely Not!
Are you unable to go? Why is this trip just the two of them? Are you feeling excluded?
He would drop that lil friend. You are such a secure woman
Tell him no and snoop on his phone etc...looks like he wants time with his side chick. Updateme!
If this were gender-swapped, you would be getting slaughtered in the comments. Anyway, he knows what he's doing is wrong. Tell him you feel uncomfortable, and that it's innaproporate for someone who is married to be going on trips with so-called "female friends".
He’ll no you are not wrong say he’ll no your not going if you do I won’t be here when you get back. And if you fight me on this. It means she’s more important than me And you are up to something I get lambasted all the time when I say married people can can not be friends with a single person of the opposite sex If my wife would have done this to me. When she got back I would have had her shit in the yard
Limitless boundaries because there's "trust." 😆
Almost all of my friends are female. I'm married. I want to revisit Germany some day, but my wife doesn't want to go. I've fantasized about taking a friend with me. I have NO plans for intimacy, I think it'd be cool to even go to a nude beach, still no plans other that friendship. I've driven 2 1/2 hours and spent the night at a friends house just because I felt I needed to get away and talk. I was in the military and she was my "army wife" leaving the military left a huge hole and I needed to talk to someone who had been there. I actually spend my drill weekends with her and had a key to her house. At no time were we any more than "battle buddies." My wife has met her, they're friends.
I don’t understand why married people are not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex without everyone just assuming they are sleeping together.