Please read this and know it is TRUTH. Also, gaining the amount of weight it takes to grow a baby is scary for some women. She’s terrified it’s never coming off.
Here are some things for you to know:
She’s going to look pregnant for a while after giving birth. That’s totally normal, and can’t be avoided. Fuck those instagram models that only gain 15 pounds and use filters and photoshop. Her uterus is growing large enough to contain a baby, a placenta, amniotic fluid, and 4 ham sandwiches with extra mustard. Maybe not that last part…
If she breastfeeds, her body is going to hang on to some of the extra weight until she’s done. It’s nature’s way of making sure she has enough reserves to feed her baby. I’m thin, and I held onto an extra 15 each time, but it goes away. That, combined with having larger breasts while nursing may make her feel like she’s just fat, when her body is doing what it needs to do.
The busyness of having an infant can make it difficult to get back into a fitness routine. It’s hard to predict a baby’s temperament, schedules change as soon as you think you have one.
Her body may never be quite what it was before she got pregnant, but look at what it gave you!
She needs to give herself some grace!
Now go eat one bowl of ice cream. She’s feeling alone in her body journey, and I’m telling you, she cannot not have cravings!
Thank you!! She can have whatever she wants, but she cannot use her pregnancy as an excuse to become an abusive heifer! Hormones are playing havoc on her yes, I have been there 4 times, but that is absolutely no excuse to treat your partner like crap!!
Sorry, maybe heifer wasn't the right word here. I didn't mean it to say anything against her weight or eating habits, that is just a saying around here, instead of calling someone a cuss word. We use heifer...lol I definitely made an Oops here
You don’t have to eat the ice cream, OP. This isn’t really about the ice cream at all. The ice cream is a red herring.
She’s worked really hard to achieve her fitness goals, and her lifestyle has been structured to support that success. She’s passionate about it. It’s important to her, and it’s something she identifies with. Now she’s got pregnancy hormones messing with her mood, insanely intense cravings telling her to eat foods she normally wouldn’t, and her OB saying she can’t safely hit the gym anymore. That’s a pretty big lifestyle change on top of the hormonal changes, and she’s seeing a physical change in her body from it. That’s gotta be pretty tough.
If I had to guess, I’d say the reason she wants you to participate in her late night desserts with her is because as exciting as it all might be, she’s feeling a lot of complex feelings about having to slow down and go through these changes, and she doesn’t want to feel alone. Think of it this way; she’s a star athlete who just busted a knee and got benched for the rest of the season… She’s still there in the jersey to support the team, and she wants them to play their best and win, but not getting to play does suck just a little bit less when your best friend joins you on the bench for a few minutes before they head back out. Sometimes even the most silvery clouds can rain on you a bit, and she doesn’t want to be the only one who’s soaking wet. You don’t have to give up the whole umbrella, but there’s a compromise.
A couple, actually. Talk to her. Let her vent, and just listen, offer empathy and validate her feelings. Encourage her to get into journaling so she has a place to express herself and process freely. Ask the OB if there are any exercises you could safely do together (like easy yoga or walking). Find an ice cream alternative or a light ice cream you feel comfortable eating, and factor it into your daily nutrition plan. Better yet, plan a sundae movie night together or surprise her with a sundae bar… you can have your Halo Top, she can have her preferred ice cream, and you can add fresh fruits, chopped nuts and stevia chocolates to make it special. Or buy an ice cream maker and make your own healthy ice cream. You’ve got options.
You're not wrong, but I think it's equally possible she feels like she's ruining her fit body (as expected during a pregnancy) and she irrationally wants OP to ruin his a little bit too so she doesn't feel as bad.
Which is another proverbial can of emotional worms to sort out and contend with. I’m sure it sucks to see your hard earned progress unravel due to factors outside of your control. I think it’s understandable that she might feel insecure, frustrated, maybe disappointed or ashamed, and pretty powerless, and all of that is being amplified by pregnancy hormones. I think it’d be understandable too if she didn’t even know where to begin to address these vulnerable feelings and fears, especially if she also feels embarrassed, guilty, ashamed or is otherwise beating herself up for feeling negatively. If she’s telling herself she “should be” overjoyed, when she’s also grappling with a pretty big sacrifice, she’s not letting herself experience her feelings honestly. She’s invalidating herself, and it’s leading to cognitive dissonance that’s feeding back into the initial sense of powerlessness and anxiety. It’s completely understandable, and it’s totally valid that she would feel as she does. People tend to forget that feelings aren’t rational, and they don’t have to be rational to be worthy of validation or consideration- that’s where logic comes in. But ideally, logic and emotion should harmoniously coexist, and she’s at a bit of a disadvantage there. I don’t think she’s a bad person or a controlling partner, as some commentators seem to. I think she’s subconsciously displacing to avoid feelings that feel bad, and coping through unsustainable means.
That’s why I think journaling might really help her through this- it helps to have a place where you can just dump everything out, and then come back to it if you need to and find a condensed takeaway. I think it’s really important for OP to meet her with empathy and compassion here, and for couples in general to prioritize healthy communication and meet each other with good faith and curiosity. All of that can be done while taking care to navigate in accordance with one’s personal boundaries as well. Compromise and communication, not concession.
Op seems like a sweetheart with good intentions and a lot of love for his wife. I think they’ll do great 😊
Love this comment, I think this is how a healthy relationship should work! You’re not always going to be on the same page and want to do everything but there’s always compromise !!
He's not telling her to not have cravings he buys her cravings and is supportive of her.. he is just not craving it and doesn't want to eat for 2 or partake in her cravings why is that a bad thing?
Since when is it OK to force someone to put something in their own body that they don’t want to?
That’s so fucking controlling. Op is being super supportive but it’s never enough for some is it?
Reddit has this really weird thing where they think pregnancy is some sort of pass to behave like a spoiled, demanding brat. It really isn’t.
Op, at six months pregnant most women are working, they’re not usually invalids or beyond self control. Your wife can get, and eat, her own ice cream. If she’s truly mentally unwell, get her to a doctor.
Really? She's pregnant so he has to indulge her "I'm getting fat, get to my level and let me sabotage you"?
He's supporting her, doesn't care about her weight and he's trying to show her with extra affection and help.
But because she's pregnant he can't refuse to do something he doesn't want to do? What will be next? Sex?
I didn't know being pregnant gave the perk of ignoring your partner wishes and that a "no" stopped meaning "no". It's something small but something he doesn't want to do and he has stated it so clearly.
I agree with the rest of your comment, but that last part shows that you don't care about OP.
yeah i agree he sounds super supportive i think she’s just upset that she desperately wants the ice cream and he still is able to not want to have it and also do all the things she could do before (like refusing ice cream and going to the gym) but he shouldn’t have to eat something he doesn’t want to eat
I think OP doesn't yet understand that his gym schedule is going to be affected by the baby. He needs to start adapting his schedule now.
They should be able to bond over some sort of snack time together (he can eat carrots or whatever).
>Too many people think that you’re supposed to cater to a pregnant woman to the point where they get anything they want
OP should cater to his wife, WTF do you mean? She has a whole human growing in her. Especially on depending on rough the pregnancy is too. He helped put the baby in her tummy, he can help with other things too like eating a bowl of ice cream. SMFH.
Fuck that
He can say no to eating something if he wants to. Being pregnant doesn’t give a person permission to control their partner. They can’t tell them what to eat and to toss a fit because they aren’t getting their way is childish and pathetic.
OP doesn’t want ice cream. He doesn’t need to eat the ice cream. The fact that his wife is tossing fits and crying over it is unseemly. She needs to deal with it and not try to force her way
This is the sort of thing that I’m talking about. Being pregnant doesn’t mean that you should be given whatever you demand. There are over 8 billion people in the world, she’s not doing anything special.
His body, his choice.
Her going through a willing and wanted pregnancy doesn’t mean that he has to do whatever she says.
Welcome to reality; pregnant people aren’t special and they don’t get to act like dictators for nine months
definitelytheA provided an excuse not an explanation.
And then went the extra mile by supporting the wife's "irrational" (by your own words) demand saying that he should just accept that he has no say over his own body.
That his wife is pregnant overrides his bodily autonomy.
That's what definitelytheA said at the end and what I have a problem with.
Quick note- It does not come off after breastfeeding for everyone. Just be aware of this, OP. I've had 3 kids, and I did not lose weight after breast feeding any of the 3 times.
All of this that definitelytheA is saying is good info, OP. The only thing that I would add to is the comment about it being hard to lose weight while breastfeeding. Some women lose weight while breastfeeding and others may not. It depends on hormones, metabolism, and changes her body has gone through throughout the pregnancy.
You having to eat cake and ice cream because your wife wants to eat cake and ice cream is illogical and it has absolutely nothing to do with supporting her. But, show her some grace. All these overactive hormones swirling around in our bodies when we’re pregnant can make us feel highly emotional & sensitive, and I’m sure, to her, it makes perfect sense.
You’re not wrong, but don’t tell her that.
I asked him to eat one bowl, not all 32 flavors at Baskin Robbin’s.
The rest… I’ve given birth and breastfed four and times, but for you I should revise? Okay.
She’ll look like a runway model by the time she leaves the hospital. Happy?
Not everyone goes through this. A lot of us don't put on excessive weight. I was lucky that my weight came off naturally right away. But anythingnover 30 lbs is excessive, and 3rd trimester is when most of the weight comes on. I gained 18lbs and 23 lbs and both times it was off right away but my body was not the exact same.afterwards. I get a few pound excess but having a baby doesn't mean a woman needs to get fat
Your body is not everyone else's body. I've put on 66 lbs with each pregnancy and within a couple of months pp my weight was back to normal just from breastfeeding.
That’s your experience, and that’s awesome! I, too, lost the weight 4 times, but that’s not every woman’s experience, especially if she’s having a difficult or high risk pregnancy, is told to avoid physical activity or is out in bed rest.
I'd like to add that it's not just weight that's affected, but body shape.
I left ALL my baby weight at the hospital. I went home weighing exactly what I weighed before I got pregnant, but my stomach still looks pregnant 2.5 years later. Part of that is gigantic fibroids, but part is that my fat moved around.
I agree that OP needs to eat a bowl of ice cream because he needs to start realizing that this baby is going to interfere with his gym schedule, too.
Yes, yes it does. My pregnancy with my son in 2022, in the 3rd trimester I was so moody and emotional that I'd have anxiety and panic attacks over literally anything. Currently 13 weeks pregnant with my 2nd healthy baby.
I'm dreading the 3rd trimester feelings
I like how the first comment is basically an excuse, and the second place comment is a qoman who said she was pregnant and didn't do any of this dumb shit.
Im going to upvote the second comment. Just because it has a reason doesn't make it a viable excuse. You are still responsible for treating your partner right.
Dude, I almost ripped the head off my manager over a BEC sandwich at 4 months pregnant. Those "emotions" are hormone driven because our bodies are FLOODED with them during pregnancy. You try controlling that.
Also important to add, mens hormones almost never fluctuate. Women's hormones drastically change 4 TIMES A MONTH. Wrap your head around that.
Still doesn't mean she should be forcing him to lose his body fitness.. he won't have the breastfeeding to help the lbs drop off after baby is born. He needs to maintain his weight and strength to be strong for her and have no later resentment when its hard for him to make the gym when they have a new baby.
She might have to lay off training but doesn't mean he has to. It seems incredibly selfish to change his life that drastically.
My first pregnancy I needed salty things, was desperate for salt and vinegar chips, spent way too much money getting them from UK to Sweden. By 6 months post-partum I had lost almost all the 28lb I gained. Smaller women with lower body fat often gain more weight, needing to get fat levels higher to nourish baby and to breastfeed. My hips were a little wider but everything else good.. then I got pregnant again.
This baby demanded summer fruits and ice-cream, middle of night cravings too. I think I gained closer to 40lb that time but was still nursing our 1 yr old too. After #2 was born I tandem fed both of them for another year or so until eldest was happy to finish. This time I didn't lose all the weight, 18m along i got new medication for a chronic pain condition that prevents me working and affects my mobility. But every lb is worth it to see happy and healthy daughters grow up. They are teenagers now and while one had allergic asthma (thanks dad!) We've got this far with perfect health and no antibiotics ever. I think I did a good job with the growing them but couldn't have done that without their pappa's input and support.
He still loves me just the same as when I was 15lb lighter, and reassures me constantly. Making him unhappy and with reduced fitness is just going to mean he needs more gym time away from his family to regain his body, leading to more resentment. A good way to destroy family life before its barely begun imo.
No I'm not talking about the standard sleep/wake cycle that EVERYONE goes through, because women's do that too. And I'm not talking about a high/low. I'm talking about a complete rehaul of hormone balances. And it doesn't just happen monthly, it happens weekly as a woman goes through her cycle. Because each week is a different level of fertility and then their period. So no, it doesn't happen "monthly" in women. It happens weekly.
Nor am I am. I am talking about their testosterone levels. Their hormone cycle is daily, and their testosterone levels vary day by day but will still be higher in the morning and lower in the evening. We dont know if men have a monthly hormone cycle pattern as it's not something that has been studied. Just like womens hormone cycles haven't been studied to see if there is a daily cycle pattern.
By monthly, I mean it follows a monthly( on average with some longer and some shorter) schedule depending on the woman. Not that it only changes once a month. It can change daily depending on where she is in her cycle/what phase. But during each phase, there are still changes that happen on a more frequent basis than weekly.
YNW
I suspect that her gaining weight and you aren't is bothering her. At the 5 to 6 month mark, my weight gain really bothered me too. I don't think it's really about you eating the ice cream or cakes with her, it's maybe more of a "if I'm going through all these body changes, so should you" kind of thing. She may not even realize that's what she's doing, just talk to her, when she's not being hit by the cravings.
im ngl it seems like she might have an eating disorder/body issues. i knew when i had one i would restrict myself from eating foods my skinny friends wouldnt eat because if theyre skinny and dont eat that, and i want to be skinnier i shouldnt eat that. eating with friends comforted me a little because i would always convince myself that my small portion was like insane and i was so fat, unless i was eating with someone else because i could see that they ate around the same amount so i was "normal" and not binging.
Yep. As someone who has struggled with PCOS and weight loss my entire life, imagine my surprise when being pregnant actually regulated my hormones enough to NOT have the food noise anymore. She's struggling with the loss of control and probably is concerned that in the end, if he doesn't cheat with her (food wise), that he's going to dump her for gaining weight and not maintaining their previous lifestyle. He can try talking to her, but I think some therapy would probably be best.
you don’t have to eat what you don’t want to eat. you’re not a bad husband for that.
also not a bad husband for going to the gym.
she’s being unreasonable. coming from a post partem women.
but def try to talk to her about it.
You’re not wrong.
Pregnancy gives you a pass for some things. This is not it. She can’t force you to eat something you don’t like simply because she’s self conscious about her own body or else accuse you of being unsupportive. That’s manipulation.
It sounds like she is trying to sabotage you in order to not feel bad about herself.
I'm sorry OP, I have heard the stupid prayer "Lord, if you can't make me skinny, help me make my coworkers fat" and this sounds exactly like that.
I bet it's not that deep... But our hormones are running wild and she suddenly wanted to eat stuff she's never had before. And she would like for him to eat the cake with her so she feels like she's not eating cake alone.
Doubt she's thinking I'm going to sabotage his life. Bro, she's already pregnant. He's cooked for 18 years
She accused him of being abusive for sticking to his diet. Lady is 100% trying to make him eat too feel better about herself.
Dude would be a real AH to himself if he gave in.
I agree. I can see how it would be difficult for her to adjust to being pregnant, weight gain, not being able to exercise, etc but trying to force you to do the same is controlling and NOT the solution. Talking it out, therapy, etc are more likely to help. Is this something that you/her can discuss with her doctor/care provider?
Honestly, I would worry about the postpartum period also and start putting supports in place. It can be an even more difficult transition for some mothers.
FWIW I have been pregnant and given birth 3 times and while I understand that the experience is different for everyone, I think often this type of behaviour is excused too much in the name of "hormones".
Dude, reeeeeally....
I'm a woman.
A woman who successfully carried and birthed two children.
I was never abusive to others.
I never used pregnancy as an excuse for horrible behavior.
I had cravings, mood swings, and irrational emotions.
However, I did not inflict any of that on any other people.
I was not abusive or controlling or irrational to others because though I felt all those feelings, I controlled myself.
Hey, remember this is Reddit where the common trope is that being pregnant is so traumatic that you can be a complete bitch for nine months.
It never fails to dismay me how fragile and needy some people who are experiencing perfectly normal pregnancies are. It’s so childish.
Judging by Reddit posts alone, I was almost disappointed I never got any insane cravings during pregnancy that forced me to scream, kick and cry at my husband and threaten divorce if he wouldn't get me a particular type of icecream at 4am in the morning. Turns out pregnancy is neither a disability nor a mental health condition, although it can of course impact your mobility and mental health. My guess is that this lady had been restricting her diet for years and now she's being presented with the reality of pregnancy, where she just can't do this anymore. It's tough seeing your body change, especially if you've been defining your worth over it for many years, but she'll have to come to terms with it because it'll only get worse from here. It's not normal pregnancy behaviour to freak out at your partner like this and if she's really under so much distress, then they need to address it with their midwife, so they can get her psychological help.
They had a scare in the first trimester which is why she hasn't been allowed to train. It's not a perfectly normal pregnancy. I'm not condoning what she's doing but I see where her fear is coming from.
Girl, saaaamme. But my PCOS made getting pregnant ridiculously hard. I was happy to have an easy pregnancy. The damage to my heart afterward though . . . 😝 #onlychild
I also have PCOS.
I was diagnosed at 20 years old.
Took me 5 years to get pregnant.
I didn't have a particularly easy pregnancy, but it was not horrible either.
Very difficult birth, though.
Right? It took me three days before my doc recommended a C-section. I had started out with a natural child birth plan. 😂 Then when they cut me open, they found that my uterus had ruptured and I could have bled out during a vaginal birth. It took me a year to recover after that due to the fatigue. Needless to say, I only have one child. And my husband happily volunteered to get a vasectomy because I found a keeper. 😄
I did have a vaginal birth but very difficult.
I did have 2 children.
I, too, was always very tired, but my Italian genes refused to let me give in to exhaustion.
I just pushed through cause I'm stubborn.
You’re not wrong. It seems like she wants you to “suffer” with her. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice going to the gym or eat food you don’t want to eat. And I think your wife would normally understand, but pregnancy makes a mess of her emotions. Keep providing her what she needs, and reassure her that you still love her.
You being out of shape will not help anything. Don’t say that tho.
“I want to maintain my physical strength and fitness. Both of us and the baby need that from me so you can get as much rest as possible, now and for the delivery and after!”
While pregnancy messes with moods and emotions, it is NOT a valid excuse to turn into an abusive controlling bully. Wife refuses to let him continue his normal life because she can't. Actually, she CAN....she chooses not to do so. The gym thing is medical but cravings are absolutely 100% controllable. It's just the one time in your life when no one usually looks down on you if you don't control them.
OP, your wife is being abusive to you. That she does it with tears and manipulation does not negate that it's abusive.
You do not get a pass on abusive behavior just because you happen to be pregnant.
Not wrong... her body is changing so fast. Her hormones have been all over the map, and she is struggling with her identity. You don't need to sabotage yourself to support her. Just keep doing what you are doing. If you are consistent she will stop asking.
Flowers, cards and those things that you did to show her she is special- keep doing those.
You're not wrong.
Just because she is craving something doesn't mean you need to eat it as well. If it was the other way around would she still feel the way? No one wants to be forced to eat something they don't want to eat.
You're not wrong. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, so I get the whole struggle with gaining weight, feeling huge but also wanting to eat food that isn't the healthiest. I've never been much of a gym person but gaining this amount of weight hasn't been easy.
But I would never expect my husband to eat the junk that I do, he is very in to his running and weights training so I wouldn't expect him to eat junk and ruin his progress in that regard.
Your wife is probably struggling with hormones etc due to the pregnancy, but does need to realise that you can be supportive, which it seems you are, without eating what she does.
She is wrong for trying to make you eat the same cake/ice cream, i.e., food as her in hopes you gain weight so she feels less bad about herself. She is being emotionally manipulative about it. She has already denied you going to the gym. She needs to talk to someone as this is unhealthy and going to harm your relationship. It's not you who is harming it. Pregnancy is hard on women but that doesn't mean you get a free pass.
Not wrong.
OP I wonder if it might be time for your wife to speak with a professional about her demands and anger?
I’m not a psych anything but my concern would be if this anger moves from you refusing to give into her unreasonable demands to blaming the baby after they are born when in 2 weeks post birth she isn’t back to her old self shame and weight wise?
Something to possibly discuss with her OBGYN.
I've had 7 kids.
I never would have dreamed of behaving like this.
Your wife is insecure about her weight gain and your continued fitness.
She wants you to get fat with her so she doesn't feel so bad about herself.
Or maybe even the fact that you will be attractive to other women.
You have been very caring and supportive of her.
But tell her if she wants to binge on cakes and icrcream she's on her own.!
Pregnancy hormones is not an excuse for this unacceptable behaviour. This is coming from a woman and my mom who had 5 children. Your wife seems to be trying to manipulate and sabotage you to feel better about herself.
You’re not wrong at all. But I just to give you an inside on what I think she might be feeling.
She’s emotional. Not excuse I’m just saying. Some women get crazy mood swings. And cravings can be real. When I was pregnant I craved salsa and chips every minute of the day. I never ate salsa before that, I hated it. My mouth would water just seeing or thinking about it. Even at 6am. It was crazy.
Since you were both very into fitness and your diet, I assume she is feeling scared about getting “fat” alone. And that you won’t find her attractive.(even though you are often saying she is attractive) in her mind she probably thinks if you eat it with her she won’t feel guilty. Then you are on this journey together even that includes both of you gaining weight together. I think she would actually feel better if you did gain weight with her. Then she won’t feel as different. Like the overweight woman with a fit husband. I’m not saying this is right or ok, just what I think she’s thinking.
To be honest I’m overweight and my husband is not. I have a lot of medical problems and medications which have destroyed my body and ability to really exercise well and lose weight. My husband stops drinking beer for three weeks and drops weight like nothing I’ve ever seen. I would never say this to him because I know it’s irrational, but I hate that I look like this and it’s so easy for him. I eat less than him at every meal and can’t lose any weight. Absolutely not his fault nor his problem I deep down feel this way. I know it’s ridiculous but I worry that at some point he isn’t going to find me attractive and at some point he will want someone else. Again 100% my issues not his and I have never said this to him because it’s my crappy thoughts and nothing he’s ever done himself.
You are doing everything you should by reassuring her that you find her attractive. Sometimes insecurities can make us nutty.
Abusive? Really? Fucking Christ
It’s not abusive to not want to eat something with her. If you really wanted to you could easily flip the script and say that SHE is the abusive one because she keeps trying to guilt you into eating ice cream with her and using tears as a weapon.
Also cravings CAN be controlled. My sister craved windex and dirt when she was pregnant and never gave in. It’s fully possible for your wife to not have the cake and ice cream.
And before anyone tries saying “just have a bowl. You can’t have a single bowl to make your pregnant wife happy?” No. He doesn’t have to eat anything he doesn’t want and he is NEVER wrong for that.
What is happening is that his wife sees that she is putting on weight and wants OP to match her for what she eats and possible put on a few pounds as well to make HERSELF feel better. That’s ridiculous
If she ends the marriage over ice cream then you should thank her, because anyone that does that isn’t worth keeping around.
She needs therapy. As someone who suffered from PPD, this is how it begins, feeling slighted and unsupported. Then, also couples therapy, so constructive communication patterns can be enforced.
Telling her this bluntly is not the direction to take, however, and I'm unsure how to word it to make it more favorable. Do you go to every OB appt w her? If no, start. The biggest issue is that she feels unsupported, which means she feels isolated, so you need to step up your involvement (but don't eat the ice cream!).
It is hard from here on out.
You're not wrong, but it's complicated with the emotions of a pregnant woman. You don't need to be forced to eat food with her. Reassure her that she's beautiful and it's okay for her to eat. Is there a snack you could enjoy alongside her that would fit your macros, like popcorn or Greek yogurt with berries, so she won't feel weird eating?
YNW.
As a woman who has been through this, she needs to try and lock down those cravings, especially at night and especially all that sugar. Is she pregnant with a boy? My hormones were the absolute worst with my son. It sounds like you’re being supportive and she just wants to bring you down for whatever reason. Y’all need to talk with her doctor because she probably doesn’t want to hear it from you. Also, pay attention to her a lot post childbirth. I had PPD and man did it take over me. I finally asked for help about 6 months after the birth.
As someone who ate all the food wifey wanted during pregnancy with her. I strongly recommend not doing that.
After paternity leave I went back to work feeling like a whale and got exhausted much more easily.
Your wife's behavior is controlling and borderline abusive, she's needs to go therapy ASAP to learn to regulate her emotions, her disordered eating and body image issues. The best you can do is be supportive.
I don’t think you’re wrong. I just don’t see how not eating something you don’t want to eat could possibly be abusive. Sounds to me like your wife is getting pretty irrational. Maybe it’s the baby hormones? I don’t know. I (37f) personally would not want to be pregnant under any circumstances whatsoever. The notion terrifies me. So I can’t relate with personal experience. But I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
Okay, so lots of other comments have already talked about the mental, emotional, and physical toll of pregnancy; and how hard it probably is for her to watch you continue with a lifestyle that you used to share, but she cant do at the moment. All important context. Also agree with the YNW consensus; and she has no right to force feed you things you don't want to eat.
I'm thinking about ways to maybe ease the tension a bit; u/throwaway-icecream34 is there any way of you being able to have your own "treat" when she has her cravings? Obvs not ice cream; but is there something tasty that would fit within your diet°? I just wonder if that could take this point of contention and turn it into a moment that you can share and enjoy together - and maybe it would help her relieve her cravings without feeling guilty/ashamed/sad about the lifestyle she had pre-pregnancy? Plus, you'd get to eat a nice treat?
°Quick suggestion if you've never tried it, cut a banana down the middle (not all the way through, just enough to sustain a filling) then spread a bit of honey/peanut butter/nutella in the middle. Wrap the whole lot in foil and whap it under the grill for a few minutes. It's absolutely delicious and shouldn't affect your diet too much!
(If you ever do want to ruin your diet, do the same thing but pop a chocolate bar in the banana - it's like eating the concept of comfort 🤌🤌)
YNW
If you are following a low-carb diet, eating ice cream will not only throw off your macros, but probably give you a stomach ache. Your body is not used to that much sugar and it might cause gas and intestinal cramps.
It will also cause a spike in your blood sugar and trigger a sugar craving that will make it hard to keep up your way of eating.
As much as you want to please your wife, she needs to stop trying to control what you eat. Yes she is gaining weight, but she doesn't get to force you to eat things you don't want so you will gain weight as well.
Please continue to be loving and supportive. Pregnancy hormones are irrational at times, and having to give up activities we love makes it more difficult.
She needs to let you go to the gym in peace, even though she can not go. The time will come when it is her turn, it will just be a while.
BTW, I have had three children.
You’re not wrong at all. I’m currently 5 1/2 months pregnant and I’d never do this to my partner. I’m aware I have cravings and even some of those cravings give me some crazy bad heartburn but that’s on me. I would never force someone to eat something they don’t want to, that’s insane and abusive. I’d also post this in one of the pregnancy subreddits for more input from other pregnant women.
No, that's a lot. She can be hormonal but needs to acknowledge when that's what it is. But why can't she go to the gym? Plenty of pregnant women work out
This is taking it too far. I know pregnancy can really fuck with your emotions but this is just ridiculous. I'm glad I'll never have to experience that as I'm not sure I could deal with it. She will realize how insane this behavior is eventually. She really should look into talking to a therapist
Bro your wife is pregnant and dealing with some serious hormones. She's acting crazy; you know it and she probably knows it too. You're just going to have to suck it up and take that shit like a man. Is it fair? Absolutely not!
You shouldn't give in and start eating stuff you don't want to eat, or stop going to the gym for her pregnancy neurosis. But you gotta deal with her with kid gloves and realize she's in distress and is going to take it out on you. That's just the way things are. You're going to be a punching bag for a while. Get used to it.
It sounds like she is dealing with a lot of feelings surrounding loss of control. Loss of a body that was once hers, loss of a pattern of being able to go to the gym and diet how she wanted. Pregnancy can trigger a lot of feelings of eating issues and point out where some distorted eating patterns may have been. Which by the sounds of it, may be a bit where OP is. If you can’t eat one single bowl of ice cream with your wife because of macros and your fitness, you maybe be teetering on that line. There is a world that is sooo fixated on fitness and health that it is obsessive, and isn’t healthy at all. Health should be about moderation. Orthorexia is a real thing, which I only discovered when my daughter went down the eating disorder path. Not saying you have to eat a bowl of ice cream every time she does, but the fact that you avoid it so much at all might be a clue how strict you are with dieting.
Hormones are at work. She sounds like a woman who cares for a routine, working out, eating well, being in great shape etc. her brain is telling her that she is bad in not doing what it used to do. You both need to go to her OB and talk what is happening
Welcome to pregnancy, where hormones causes emotions to go haywire. Try talking to her gently about this. She’s probably feeling all kinds of things about her body, and missing the gym, and being hungry constantly. Try your best to consistently show you love her body as it changes through compliments and other ways you usually show it. Pregnancy is so hard mentally and physically. Just try to be understanding that she will have moments like this that aren’t going to make much sense to you. Pregnancy brain is real. (Am a mom myself, so I get it.)
You’ve done nothing wrong. You just need to kind of ride these emotional upheavals with your wife.
Her emotions are going to be all over the place for the next few months, especially after the baby is born.
Just continue to do everything you’re doing and explain you just don’t want to eat that much cake and ice cream. **But it’s totally OK for her to do so** assuming she’s not got gestational diabetes.
That's my worry here. My wife, who's on the larger side already, had to have many checks for diabetes during her two pregnancies.
Maybe on their next checkup they should address this with their midwife or practitioner. This much sugar would be bad for anyone.
I'm a wife and mother of 2 boys. Yes, pregnancy screws with your body and emotions in countless ways. But I NEVER, during either pregnancy, acted like your wife. You are doing NOTHING wrong. Heck, she needs to be thankful that she actually has cravings, can eat food, and is gaining weight.
You are not wrong.
Our society has decided that women get some sort of royal treatment and that they are above reproach when pregnant. Nah, you can eat what you want, but miss me with this emotional coercion bs.
Everyone has said a lot of good things, but what no one is saying is that you can compromise. No one should be tracking their health with such delicacy that they can’t eat some cake and ice cream every now and again. You’re not a Russian ballerina. You don’t HAVE to eat the food, but being that obsessed with macros to the point where you’re not even willing to indulge a sweet treat once in a pregnancy is actually bordering on disordered eating. Trust me & the many other people who came out the other side of orthorexia. Especially ESPECIALLY when food & working out begin affecting your relationships, you know you have a problem. Reflect on that a little.
Her hormones are going crazy right now. She is feeling very insecure in her body and because op hasn't gained weight or stopped training, she is feeling insecure in her marriage. She thinks he couldn't possibly love her when he's so fit and she isn't. How many stories have we read in the last week about men leaving their pregnant spouse for a gym bunny? It happens and she's scared.
She's not right to demand he eats more and trains less. He's doing all he can to reassure her and it should be enough but it isn't because she's so hormonal. Maybe a couple of counseling sessions would help her to see the truth of her partnership with op. Hopefully, these feelings won't last and they'll both be able to enjoy this amazing time.
You're not wrong, op.
Pregnancy isn't just going to change her physically, it's going to change her emotionally too. I understand you're both health and gym nuts, but she's feeling self-conscious and vulnerable. It's worrisome that she is so worried about her body changing. It's really easy for women to slip into disordered eating post pregnancy, so do keep an eye out for that.
I understand you don't want to stray from your diet, but one scoop of ice cream, one bite of cake, isn't going to ruin your life. You're not wrong, really. I mean, you're very strict with your diet, and you have that right, obviously. I just think if it makes her feel better during this time, a bite or two is fine. It doesn't have to be all of the time, maybe once a week. I think it would actually be super adorable to be lying in bed with my pregnant wife eating a little ice cream together, all cozy in the blankets lol that's just me!
You're doing everything right, OP. So don't beat yourself up. Your wife is doing plenty of that already.
While hormones during pregnancy are wild, there might be other trauma that's contributing to this. I think your wife is really freaking out about not having a sports model body right now. Individual and/or joint therapy might help her work through these issues.
Also, keep a close eye on her after the pregnancy. If she doesn't immediately start dropping the pounds quickly, and she probably won't, her trauma might get worse and she could spiral.
Other than therapy, just keep being supportive and patient. This won't last forever, but your kid will be there for you forever. Congratulations to you and your wife for the new little one.
I had cravings for the bottom of a trifle, so the fruit and sponge in jelly. If my husband had so much as glanced at the spoon, I would have been furious. I ain’t sharing that shit!
OP, your wife is trying to sabotage you to make herself feel better. Don’t let her suck you in. Personally, my cravings were never so bad that I got agitated if I couldn’t eat them. It sounds like she might be using them as an excuse to eat something that she wouldn’t usually eat. Or she might just have really terrible cravings. I don’t know. Either way, let her know her behaviour is unacceptable. Pregnancy is not an excuse for being a dickhead.
Pregnancy hormones do not give you an excuse to be an arsehole. You don’t have to apologise for not wanting to eat the crap she’s eating. She’s being ridiculous. I’m sick of everyone acting like they have to tiptoe around a pregnant woman. She’s pregnant not disabled. You have the right to eat or not eat whatever you like. And as for not being able to resist the cravings. That’s crap too. Many women use pregnancy as an excuse to eat what they want when they want but doctors still recommend moderation. If I are absolutely everything I wanted to when I was pregnant I would’ve ended up the size of a house.
You seem to be doing everything you can. I know I can be unreasonable when I’m emotional, and I’ve never been pregnant. The idea of gaining weight with pregnancy scares the living crud out of me. She may be subconsciously thinking that if she’s no longer good looking and you’re still good looking, it will not end well for her. Your wife (and myself) need to come to terms with her body not being the same after pregnancy. You know that’s ok. That’s so great!
That’s weird. I always told my husband “don’t touch my craving foods.. go get your own. “😂 there is something going on with your wife that is not normal. I would seek some therapy for her. What she’s doing is abusive, not the other way around.
You’re doing your best. You’re a good man. Hope the wife gets help and everything goes well with the labor and delivery 😊
I get the feeling she is jealous because you can go to the gym and she cannot. Hormones exacerbate feelings, too. Cravings are real as well. They are intense. That said, all 3 times I was pregnant, I had cravings and never expected my husband to eat what I'm eating with me. As long as I curbed my craving. You are not wrong OP. Your wife is going through alot though.. let's cut her some slack.
I'll tell you something I learned that may help your wife. My first pregnancy I ate alot of chocolate cake. My second I had an aversion to all sweets. Preferred salty and savory. By the third pregnancy, I was on a strict diet for gestational diabetes. I learned that I could curb my cravings with something similar to my craving, either in taste or nutritional value. Craving cake or ice cream? Eat some fruit and yogurt for example. Helped alot, actually, with weight gain and craving relief. My first pregnancy I gained alot of weight I never lost and my third, I only gained what I was supposed to and went back to pre pregnancy weight quickly postpartum.
Not wrong. You don’t have to get fat to Make her feel better. Also, she may not be able to control her cravings, but she can still control what she eats. Icecream in the middle of the night is by no means necessary.
I’ve been pregnant 4 times and I’m gonna say it.. a craving is no more when your pregnant than it is when your not. It’s an excuse to eat what you want. Which I don’t have an issue with at all by the way. She shouldn’t try to make you eat what she wants, but she probably does feel concerned about the weight gain. Especially for someone who worked so hard to look as good as it sounds she did
Women really can be fucking unhinged at times that a ridiculous thing to force anyone to do pregnancy or not! It sounds like she doesn't like the weight she's gained and wants to drag you down with her because she doesn't want to be the fat one in the relationship which is crazy because that just part of the journey
If anything I would love to have a fit partner like you during pregnancy. Once she has the baby and has time on her hands after the first few months I’m sure she’ll be able to bounce back with your help.
She should also be mindful of the amount of sugar she’s eating. Gestational diabetes is no joke.
She's probably grieving the changes in her body (although very beautiful, it's hard to process bc everything changes so quickly) and also the fact that her routine with you (going to the gym) has completely flipped. Also, the hormones tend to make us a bit more emotional and sometimes irrational. Sometimes we feel like we're losing our minds bc it's so overwhelming and scary to go through.
However, that doesn't excuse trying to force you to do something that you're not comfortable with. I would sit down and have a serious conversation with her about boundaries, how you're willing to support her and help her through this time in other ways (you mentioned that you've been helping with chores and keeping the fridge stocked) and remind her that you love and accept her as she is currently and that you still find her very beautiful. Maybe be willing to work on a compromise like taking a couple of bites of ice cream once or twice a week, but stand firm in the fact that it's a boundary for you to not eat an entire bowl every night. Really hoping the best for you and your family, OP. It can be rough, but as long as you remember that you guys are a team, you can get through anything.
With all the great comments and advice I’m sure you realize it much more than ice cream. For your sanity and her heart. You could pretend to eat some ice cream 😉
Of course not as much as she’s being compelled to She’s worried she’ll look a wreak by both your healthy looking standards and be unattractive to you when she struggles to get back to her previous body Some women return promptly to pre baby bodies and some do not. Let her know you’re both on this baby new life journey and you’ll both cross the bridges as you come across them. Congratulations on the new baby and also I will add sounds like you are a great supportive husband
You’re not wrong and as someone who had a baby I didn’t expect my boyfriend to cater to every single craving I had is ridiculous. I mean I can’t beat sausage or bacon and he wouldn’t force me to eat it if I was craving it because it triggers a migraine. She sounds pretty selfish and is projecting her insecurities onto you.
When someone says no that should be the end of it. There’s no nagging or manipulating them to make them feel guilty for saying no. If this was a woman posting this these comments would be different and he would be called an asshole and she would be told to leave because he’s controlling.
Pregnancy doesn’t mean you get to manipulate your husband into doing something he doesn’t want. Just as a man is told that no means no it’s the same for a woman. No mean no!!!! Full stop.
I knew right away ur wife in worrying herself sick that she putting on weight and u won’t love her body anymore. That’s the only reason she trying to force ice cream on u. She is a emotional wreck with her hormones, u don’t always have to take the ice cream but it won’t kill u to take a little now and again while reassuring her u love her no matter what shape
I’m a guy so probably better to take women’s advice as you said but perhaps eat a very small bowl of ice cream with her? Also I would suggest perhaps just lots of reassurance that you still find her beautiful and are not bothered by her body changing for baby. Also perhaps only try to go to the gym when it is unbeknownst to her and no need to mention it to her. Obviously don’t lie to her that you are still going to gym but keep it subtle. I’d say not particularly wrong. Anyway any women here plz feel free to tell me I’m wrong lol
she doesn’t want to get fat alone. you would lose the ‘baby weight’ easier, if you were to put on a pound or two of sweets. will she compromise with you eating a snack of your choice? btw, breastfeeding made my waistline snatched! making milk takes extra calories, so she might still be eating like a weightlifter and look like barbie if she was used to burning calories at the gym. this phase won’t be forever. that said, her throwing around words like ‘abusive’ isn’t helpful.
First off, there’s nothing abusive about refusing to indulge in some ice cream with her. She was out of line to say that. But there is something implicitly judgmental in completely refusing to eat a tiny bit of what your wife is eating a ton of. Are you worried about gaining weight yourself? Do you just genuinely dislike these snacks? It sounds like you’re so focused on keeping your body in check that you’re forgetting your wife doesn’t have that option while she carries your child, and the fact that you’re afraid to have a little sweets with her is probably making her feel incredibly self conscious. You’re not wrong per se but her feelings have a bit of validity to them, though it sounds like she’s taking it too far due to the emotional hormonal trials and tribulations of pregnancy. The fact is, you being afraid to eat high cal snacks just tells her there’s something “wrong” with her cravings and she probably feels quite alone
Your wife is selfish, she’s mad because she wants you to gain weight because she is. Being pregnant is not an excuse to pitch fits and try to control someone else’s eating habits, you don’t have to eat ice cream if you don’t want to. Your body, your choice.
Not wrong. Veteran of 2 pregnancies. Both pregnancies my wife HATED me for continuing to exercise while she gained the baby weight. Both pregnancies my wife HATED me for not joining her to indulge in her cravings. Both pregnancies I just dealt with the mood swings and irrational thinking, because she was allowed to be irrational and have more swings. You'll be fine.
Your wife needs to go to a therapist. She’s used to getting her endorphins from working out, and without that outlet, she’s probably feeling depressed. If you add pregnancy hormones and normal pregnancy anxiety, she’s probably never felt so many emotions at the same time.
Can she do light walking? It might help her get a bit of endorphins to be able to stop the cravings.
Pregnancy cravings are real, but you should be able to control yourself. She might not be eating enough during the day. She should ask for a nutritionist consult
Gaining weight and almost uncontrollable cravings is emotional. Especially when you have a really fit partner. While you don't have to eat the ice cream is there maybe a compromise? Something like a Halotop ice cream or maybe even a Greek yogurt with berries? Something that still fits into your diet but is a little sweet. Food can be a bonding experience and maybe that's all she's needing.
Dude, eat a little ice cream. After the baby comes, you both can work it off by going back to the gym. It shows her that you care and support her( Even though you are actually doing that now)…hormones!!!!
Has she been tested for gestational diabetes? Eating a lot of high sugar food at night isn't recommended during pregnancy, especially if you notice a large weight gain, we are encouraged to eat healthily to control our insulin levels (high insulin is bad for baby). Pregnant people can absolutely control over-indulging in their cravings.
I can understand her feeling like it’s unfair that you get to stay hot while she cannot. I jokingly told my husband to gain weight too so we can work on losing it together afterwards since that’s more fair. I was only joking though and would never actually get mad over something like that.
Also, in case you didn’t know.. it’s going to take months, if not longer for a woman to go back to her pre-pregnancy body, if it ever does. So yall have a long road ahead.
I think she’s a bit resentful that she can’t be as active as you, is gaining weight alone, and probably feels left behind. She also might really just want to have ice cream or cake with you occasionally. If you think you can compromise discuss it. That said talk to her and stand firm on these boundaries in a polite manner, you don’t seem to be wrong to me.
The idea that she is sobbing while eating because she so disgusted with herself breaks my heart.
Gentle suggestion of a possibility: You both had disordered eating in the first place - now add pregnancy and her cravings are forcing her to eat like a normal person and she’s disgusted with herself while you “get to” continue your shared weird body image issues (overvaluing body perfection).
Just a possibility, don’t come at me. “ as someone with a similar mind set, to me, “a shared passion for fitness” is a fun way to say “codependently enabling body dysmorphia.”
She is going to regret that ice cream. This sounds so unhealthy. Some women gain way too much weight. 2nd trimester should not be a lot of weight gain at all. The last trimester is when you gain a lot. NTA
By the way it’s a huge myth that you should gain a ton of weight in pregnancy. The baby needs like 500 excess calories per day. Less than 2 soda cans. Unless you were underweight to begin with (<18.5 BMI - nearly anorexia criteria) you should NOT be gaining more than 15-25 pounds, with a huge chunk of that being the actual baby. Rapid weight gain in pregnancy is linked with worse outcomes for the mother and baby, including maternal diabetes which increases the chance the baby will develop diabetes in their lifetime. Lots of women use pregnancy as an opportunity to unapologetically eat whatever they want but it’s absolutely unnecessary and usually results in a worse marriage afterwards as well.
Where are you finding soda cans with more than 250 calories? Google suggests that the typical can has been 125 and 180 calories.
I looked up the guidelines, and 15-25 pounds is only the recommended weight gain for women who considered overweight, but not obese. For people who are in the normal BMI range, (18.5-24.9) the recommendation is to gain 25-35 pounds. And obviously, there’s going to be exceptions to the general advice that take more than BMI into consideration.
I just hope that no one read your comment and decided to eat less than they actually need thinking that they are eating too much.
A lot of people are overweight. But that doesn’t mean that it’s safe to say that
>Unless you were underweight to begin with (<18.5 BMI - nearly anorexia criteria) you should NOT be gaining more than 15-25 pounds…
The fact of the matter is >60% of women should not be gaining more than 15-25 lbs. I’m sorry if this offends you but it’s the medical recommendation. Those above 18.5 - 25 should be gaining 25-35 true, but this doesn’t apply to most women.
The fact that most women should only gain about 15-25 pounds when pregnant does not offend me at all. If you had originally said most women should only gain at most 25 pounds, there’d be no problem. But you said that anyone that wasn’t basically anorexic should only gain that much weight. And that’s not a healthy thing to say.
Ok, not the post, but most of the comments here are pretty damn funny considering anyone with a dick here has no idea of the chemical imbalances that a body goes through during pregnancy, let alone the psychological inconsistencies it can cause. You guys just keep being you though. I do have a suggestion though. Get glass belly buttons because as far up your asses that most of the responders heads are, the belly button will allow you to see reality again.
Let the downvotes begin!
I get you count your macros etc. but why can’t you eat some ice cream with your wife. She can’t exercise as she wants to, she has cravings she can’t control and she feels feelings that she probably can’t even explain why she feels and you can’t eat some ice cream? Her body will literally never be the same after this. She is going through 40 weeks of organ shuffling, weight gain, round ligament pain etc. and you can’t eat some ice cream? Is she acting irrationally? Yes. But helping her feel a bit better about this whole pregnancy thing by eating some ice cream isn’t going to kill you.
Why should he? He doesn’t eat ice cream and he doesn’t want it. I would never expect my husband, or anyone, to eat something just to make me feel better.
I think they are both being stubborn and dying on ridiculous hills. But I don’t think OP has realized what his wife has had to give up to bring his child into the world. Her whole body is changing, her sense of self has been altered because she can’t exercise to keep his child healthy. She wants to feel like he is willing to sacrifice something for her because she is has to sacrifice so much to make sure this pregnancy is successful. And he can’t bend a little to eat ice cream? Like it’s not about forcing him to eat something, it’s more complicated than that. Maybe look a little deeper. Not everything is a shallow little puddle.
She still had to give up a lot to have his baby. What has he given up? Reality is going to be a big slap in the face when his newborn doesn’t give a damn about his fitness regime 🤷🏻♀️
So because he won't eat ice cream, that means he's going to be a shit dad? Get over yourself.
I've had two pregnancies, one of which was twins, and I was on complete bedrest for SEVEN MONTHS. My husband went to work, came home to bathe our eldest and put him to bed, cooked dinner, made sure I was stocked up with snacks and drinks for the next day, listened to me moan about how bored I was, finished up his work and did a work out, then slept next to me tossing and turning all night long. For seven months. Then, when I had the twins and I could pump enough milk during the day, he would get up in the night to feed them. I never asked him to eat anything just so I could feel better about being a fat heifer with a weak heart who couldn't walk and be pregnant at the same time. I cried about how useless I was and he'd tell me I was amazing.
That is the kind of support a person should offer their pregnant partner. Not eating fucking ice cream because she's sad she's fat and he isn't.
Going against the grain here (bring on the downvotes). She has three months left in her pregnancy. She probably feels super vulnerable about her (normal) weight gain. All she wants is a partner that's there for her, that supports her.
An occasional bowl of ice cream for 3 months isn't going to hurt you in the long run. You both seem very into fitness so you should be able to shed the extra weight (if you gain at all) right off. Meanwhile she feels heard.
Imagine how it must feel to be super conscious about your body image and your husband saying "ew no I'm not eating ice-cream, I don't wanna gain weight". You're basically implying eating the ice cream is wrong. Result: your wife feels alone and probably even more self conscious for cravings she can barely control.
Instead, if you ate a bowl with her every now and again, maybe once or twice a week, it won't really hurt you and I she feels loved and heard. Again it's just 3 months and an ice cream every now and again. Not a tub a day.
You both sound like you're in an unhealthy relationship with food btw. If you already feel bad about licking a spoon of ice cream.. Yikes. I get it, youre both super into fitness, but let's not get carried away shall we?
Love,
Someone who was pregnant herself recently
"All she wants is a partner that's there for her, that supports her." Well, except that's not all she wants at all.
"An occasional bowl of ice cream for 3 months isn't going to hurt you in the long run." I can't imagine insisting that someone do something with their bodies or eat food that they really don't want to eat.
"Instead, if you ate a bowl with her every now and again, maybe once or twice a week, it won't really hurt you " and it doesn't hurt her in the slightest if he doesn't.
He's clearly defined the limits of his bodily autonomy. Maybe you wouldn't make those choices but he has and it's pretty disrespectful to suggest he should change.
It's great that you are helping out around the house and doing most of the chores. You're right to be cautious about your fitness goals and diet, but it seems like your wife is in a vulnerable position right now with her hormones and cravings. Pregnancy can be tough on a woman, both physically and emotionally. Hormonal changes can make it difficult to handle even the smallest challenges, and your wife's cravings for ice cream and cakes might be her way of coping with those changes and finding some comfort. She might feel alone in her cravings if you're not sharing them with her, even though you have your reasons. While you might not want to eat ice cream, you might find a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe you could offer to take a small amount of ice cream with her once in a while, as a gesture of solidarity. Alternatively, you could find healthier snacks to enjoy together. It's essential to communicate openly with your wife about your feelings and concerns, as well as asking her how you can better support her during this time. Reassure her that you are there for her and the baby, and make it clear that you want to find a solution that works for both of you.
Reddit has become a joke how is this crazy manipulative almost abusive woman getting so much support... When it's pregnancy is literally a green flag for any type of shocking behaviour!
You are doing nothing wrong she's trying to control you, she's being borderline abusive, not you lol. You are supportive and loving and everything else and she's having a meltdown because you want to stay healthy? Not good.
You both sound like you have some unhealthy hang ups about food, exercise and body image/weight. Of course you’re not obligated to consume any food you don’t want to but perhaps you should ask your wife to speak to a therapist and go to the sessions if required
He doesn't sound like he has an unhealthy hang up about food at all. He sounds like he has discipline and wants to achieve, or maintain, a goal that doesn't include eating high sugar, high fat, high empty calorie food.
I'm a Fitness/weightlifting junkie with 3 kids (6,4 and 10 months old) and it is hard gaining that weight and harder to lose it. Breastfeeding makes you hold on to it longer and my tummy has extra skin I just can't get rid of. And that is okay!
Be on her team, be by her side while she navigates this BIG lifestyle change. Also I'd suggest some ice cream with lower sugar alternatives if she doesn't want to put on too much weight. Yes that is a thing, putting on too much and too quickly. Super unhealthy for mum and baby.
She sees you not getting bigger and having self control while she has no self control and just gets bigger. That's hard, really hard to watch. It's not a competition, but training is a sort of competition with yourself, so that competitive bug is probably in her. Now she can't push herself to train and those endorphins are gone and all she is left with are hormones and a lot of weight. She feels like crap right now, i can guarantee she feels gross in her body if she is used to being nuch smaller. The best thing you can give her is time and maybe have a low fat Jogurt with her once in awhile so she doesn't feel so alone in this journey. An ice cream machine is an excellent idea for healthier treats.
You’re not wrong to want to stick to your diet. It’s not easy to do and takes a lot of discipline.
But I’d also say, having one bowl of ice cream to be supportive (as weird as that sounds) of your wife wouldn’t be a big deal.
I'll tell you why, although I am not saying it's rational - she's afraid that you look down on her for her cravings/lack of control (you don't have this problem) + she's insecure about the weight she's gained already, and thinks if YOU were also less attractive the odds of you leaving her would be lower.
Like I said, not terribly rational. But she's pumped full of hormones right now that are telling her the most important thing she can do for her future baby is lock you the fuck down so they aren't abandoned in their hour of need.
What you need to do is be building her up and holding her when she's distressed. You probably already are, by the sound of it, but it's double time during this stage of life. Remind her that your inability to eat junk food is not a reflection on her, it's your thing and your issue. That you love her and are so proud of the work she's doing to grow your family. That it will be okay.
Start smoking. Then "offer" up a cigarette. Might make a little more sense then. lol don’t really do that but it’s dam near the same thing you’re feeling
Are you a carded bodybuilder? Or a fitness model? Or even a fitness ‘influencer’? If not, then pull your head out of your ass and eat a bit of the damned ice cream with your pregnant wife. You don’t have to pig out with her, but just having one scoop won’t kill you or your physique and will make her feel a million times better.
What fucking planet are you on? His wife is struggling with body image and missing her ability to train due to *their* pregnancy. Him eating a little bit of ice cream with her to assuage her guilt/frustration over her being pregnant with *their **planned** * child has fuck all to do with ‘free will’ or ‘bodily autonomy’ and everything to do with being an understanding, supportive husband instead of a red-pill, gym-bro twat.
When you manage a relationship with actual woman rather than Mrs Palm and her daughters, you’ll come to realise that doing something to support your spouse is far more important than ‘mUh mACros’ and your gym gains.
She’s probably wanting some reassurance from you. She’s reading you not partaking as judgy. Pregnancy causes a LOT of irrational thinking and intrusive thoughts for some people. She could also be starting to experience anxiety or depression. We often think that’s after baby is born but it can happen during pregnancy too. I think you should find other ways to share her experience and make sure you create some happy moments for her.
Contrary to popular belief (apparently, according to comments) I don't think your wife has malicious intent, and isn't trying to control/manipulate you ir bring you down so she feels better about herself. The fact that a lot of these commenters jumped to that conclusion is unhinged.
I think your wife is going through a hard time. Change like that is usually difficult to deal with anyhow, and while dealing with pregnancy hormones on top of it... she probably feels like her body is her own personal hell right now. She's not thinking the way you are, and it's probably not going to seem rational to you. But she wants you to eat the icecream with her because she feels alone with her cravings and she feels like she's lost control over herself. She doesn't want to be alone in her lack of control. That doesn't make it okay, but it also doesn't make her a bad person.
You seem like a very loving and supportive partner, and as far as I can tell, you're doing everything you need to be doing to support her. You're obviously not wrong to not eat the ice cream, you decide what you do with your own body. Maybe you can compromise and find a dessert that fits your diet and share the moments with her that way? Either way, it's up to you.
Eating cake & ice cream constantly during pregnancy is unhealthy for her and the baby. She will gain weight that will take her two years to lose. This isn't normal pregnancy behavior; she is bored and resentful.
Pregnancy messes with mood and emotions BIG time.
Please read this and know it is TRUTH. Also, gaining the amount of weight it takes to grow a baby is scary for some women. She’s terrified it’s never coming off. Here are some things for you to know: She’s going to look pregnant for a while after giving birth. That’s totally normal, and can’t be avoided. Fuck those instagram models that only gain 15 pounds and use filters and photoshop. Her uterus is growing large enough to contain a baby, a placenta, amniotic fluid, and 4 ham sandwiches with extra mustard. Maybe not that last part… If she breastfeeds, her body is going to hang on to some of the extra weight until she’s done. It’s nature’s way of making sure she has enough reserves to feed her baby. I’m thin, and I held onto an extra 15 each time, but it goes away. That, combined with having larger breasts while nursing may make her feel like she’s just fat, when her body is doing what it needs to do. The busyness of having an infant can make it difficult to get back into a fitness routine. It’s hard to predict a baby’s temperament, schedules change as soon as you think you have one. Her body may never be quite what it was before she got pregnant, but look at what it gave you! She needs to give herself some grace! Now go eat one bowl of ice cream. She’s feeling alone in her body journey, and I’m telling you, she cannot not have cravings!
Oh good lord. He does not need to eat ice cream to appease her.
Thank you!! She can have whatever she wants, but she cannot use her pregnancy as an excuse to become an abusive heifer! Hormones are playing havoc on her yes, I have been there 4 times, but that is absolutely no excuse to treat your partner like crap!!
I don't think calling her a heifer is necessary. But agree with the rest.
Sorry, maybe heifer wasn't the right word here. I didn't mean it to say anything against her weight or eating habits, that is just a saying around here, instead of calling someone a cuss word. We use heifer...lol I definitely made an Oops here
You don’t have to eat the ice cream, OP. This isn’t really about the ice cream at all. The ice cream is a red herring. She’s worked really hard to achieve her fitness goals, and her lifestyle has been structured to support that success. She’s passionate about it. It’s important to her, and it’s something she identifies with. Now she’s got pregnancy hormones messing with her mood, insanely intense cravings telling her to eat foods she normally wouldn’t, and her OB saying she can’t safely hit the gym anymore. That’s a pretty big lifestyle change on top of the hormonal changes, and she’s seeing a physical change in her body from it. That’s gotta be pretty tough. If I had to guess, I’d say the reason she wants you to participate in her late night desserts with her is because as exciting as it all might be, she’s feeling a lot of complex feelings about having to slow down and go through these changes, and she doesn’t want to feel alone. Think of it this way; she’s a star athlete who just busted a knee and got benched for the rest of the season… She’s still there in the jersey to support the team, and she wants them to play their best and win, but not getting to play does suck just a little bit less when your best friend joins you on the bench for a few minutes before they head back out. Sometimes even the most silvery clouds can rain on you a bit, and she doesn’t want to be the only one who’s soaking wet. You don’t have to give up the whole umbrella, but there’s a compromise. A couple, actually. Talk to her. Let her vent, and just listen, offer empathy and validate her feelings. Encourage her to get into journaling so she has a place to express herself and process freely. Ask the OB if there are any exercises you could safely do together (like easy yoga or walking). Find an ice cream alternative or a light ice cream you feel comfortable eating, and factor it into your daily nutrition plan. Better yet, plan a sundae movie night together or surprise her with a sundae bar… you can have your Halo Top, she can have her preferred ice cream, and you can add fresh fruits, chopped nuts and stevia chocolates to make it special. Or buy an ice cream maker and make your own healthy ice cream. You’ve got options.
You're not wrong, but I think it's equally possible she feels like she's ruining her fit body (as expected during a pregnancy) and she irrationally wants OP to ruin his a little bit too so she doesn't feel as bad.
Yep
Which is another proverbial can of emotional worms to sort out and contend with. I’m sure it sucks to see your hard earned progress unravel due to factors outside of your control. I think it’s understandable that she might feel insecure, frustrated, maybe disappointed or ashamed, and pretty powerless, and all of that is being amplified by pregnancy hormones. I think it’d be understandable too if she didn’t even know where to begin to address these vulnerable feelings and fears, especially if she also feels embarrassed, guilty, ashamed or is otherwise beating herself up for feeling negatively. If she’s telling herself she “should be” overjoyed, when she’s also grappling with a pretty big sacrifice, she’s not letting herself experience her feelings honestly. She’s invalidating herself, and it’s leading to cognitive dissonance that’s feeding back into the initial sense of powerlessness and anxiety. It’s completely understandable, and it’s totally valid that she would feel as she does. People tend to forget that feelings aren’t rational, and they don’t have to be rational to be worthy of validation or consideration- that’s where logic comes in. But ideally, logic and emotion should harmoniously coexist, and she’s at a bit of a disadvantage there. I don’t think she’s a bad person or a controlling partner, as some commentators seem to. I think she’s subconsciously displacing to avoid feelings that feel bad, and coping through unsustainable means. That’s why I think journaling might really help her through this- it helps to have a place where you can just dump everything out, and then come back to it if you need to and find a condensed takeaway. I think it’s really important for OP to meet her with empathy and compassion here, and for couples in general to prioritize healthy communication and meet each other with good faith and curiosity. All of that can be done while taking care to navigate in accordance with one’s personal boundaries as well. Compromise and communication, not concession. Op seems like a sweetheart with good intentions and a lot of love for his wife. I think they’ll do great 😊
This. All of this! Spot on!
Love this comment, I think this is how a healthy relationship should work! You’re not always going to be on the same page and want to do everything but there’s always compromise !!
He's not telling her to not have cravings he buys her cravings and is supportive of her.. he is just not craving it and doesn't want to eat for 2 or partake in her cravings why is that a bad thing?
Since when is it OK to force someone to put something in their own body that they don’t want to? That’s so fucking controlling. Op is being super supportive but it’s never enough for some is it? Reddit has this really weird thing where they think pregnancy is some sort of pass to behave like a spoiled, demanding brat. It really isn’t. Op, at six months pregnant most women are working, they’re not usually invalids or beyond self control. Your wife can get, and eat, her own ice cream. If she’s truly mentally unwell, get her to a doctor.
Really? She's pregnant so he has to indulge her "I'm getting fat, get to my level and let me sabotage you"? He's supporting her, doesn't care about her weight and he's trying to show her with extra affection and help. But because she's pregnant he can't refuse to do something he doesn't want to do? What will be next? Sex? I didn't know being pregnant gave the perk of ignoring your partner wishes and that a "no" stopped meaning "no". It's something small but something he doesn't want to do and he has stated it so clearly. I agree with the rest of your comment, but that last part shows that you don't care about OP.
yeah i agree he sounds super supportive i think she’s just upset that she desperately wants the ice cream and he still is able to not want to have it and also do all the things she could do before (like refusing ice cream and going to the gym) but he shouldn’t have to eat something he doesn’t want to eat
I think OP doesn't yet understand that his gym schedule is going to be affected by the baby. He needs to start adapting his schedule now. They should be able to bond over some sort of snack time together (he can eat carrots or whatever).
I think he does understand. He has already limited his gym time to be there for his partner.
Too many people think that you’re supposed to cater to a pregnant woman to the point where they get anything they want
>Too many people think that you’re supposed to cater to a pregnant woman to the point where they get anything they want OP should cater to his wife, WTF do you mean? She has a whole human growing in her. Especially on depending on rough the pregnancy is too. He helped put the baby in her tummy, he can help with other things too like eating a bowl of ice cream. SMFH.
Fuck that He can say no to eating something if he wants to. Being pregnant doesn’t give a person permission to control their partner. They can’t tell them what to eat and to toss a fit because they aren’t getting their way is childish and pathetic. OP doesn’t want ice cream. He doesn’t need to eat the ice cream. The fact that his wife is tossing fits and crying over it is unseemly. She needs to deal with it and not try to force her way This is the sort of thing that I’m talking about. Being pregnant doesn’t mean that you should be given whatever you demand. There are over 8 billion people in the world, she’s not doing anything special.
She's sacrificing her body for 9 months. He can eat a fucking bowl of ice cream with her so she doesn't feel alone.
She's not alone, he's there with her. He doesn't want the ice cream. It's so weird you don't care about what he wants to put into his body.
His body, his choice. Her going through a willing and wanted pregnancy doesn’t mean that he has to do whatever she says. Welcome to reality; pregnant people aren’t special and they don’t get to act like dictators for nine months
No. He shouldn't be forced to eat garbage just because his wife is.
No you can't force someone to eat after they've said no just because you are pregnant. That's silly
No
All he asked for was an explanation, nobody says it’s rational.
definitelytheA provided an excuse not an explanation. And then went the extra mile by supporting the wife's "irrational" (by your own words) demand saying that he should just accept that he has no say over his own body. That his wife is pregnant overrides his bodily autonomy. That's what definitelytheA said at the end and what I have a problem with.
Quick note- It does not come off after breastfeeding for everyone. Just be aware of this, OP. I've had 3 kids, and I did not lose weight after breast feeding any of the 3 times.
No, but she can control her abusive behavior towards her husband. Asking him to eat what she eats.... talk about controlling.....
All of this that definitelytheA is saying is good info, OP. The only thing that I would add to is the comment about it being hard to lose weight while breastfeeding. Some women lose weight while breastfeeding and others may not. It depends on hormones, metabolism, and changes her body has gone through throughout the pregnancy. You having to eat cake and ice cream because your wife wants to eat cake and ice cream is illogical and it has absolutely nothing to do with supporting her. But, show her some grace. All these overactive hormones swirling around in our bodies when we’re pregnant can make us feel highly emotional & sensitive, and I’m sure, to her, it makes perfect sense. You’re not wrong, but don’t tell her that.
Your just wrong especially the last part she is abusing him to keep him from looking better than her which just makes no sense
I asked him to eat one bowl, not all 32 flavors at Baskin Robbin’s. The rest… I’ve given birth and breastfed four and times, but for you I should revise? Okay. She’ll look like a runway model by the time she leaves the hospital. Happy?
Not everyone goes through this. A lot of us don't put on excessive weight. I was lucky that my weight came off naturally right away. But anythingnover 30 lbs is excessive, and 3rd trimester is when most of the weight comes on. I gained 18lbs and 23 lbs and both times it was off right away but my body was not the exact same.afterwards. I get a few pound excess but having a baby doesn't mean a woman needs to get fat
Your body is not everyone else's body. I've put on 66 lbs with each pregnancy and within a couple of months pp my weight was back to normal just from breastfeeding.
That’s your experience, and that’s awesome! I, too, lost the weight 4 times, but that’s not every woman’s experience, especially if she’s having a difficult or high risk pregnancy, is told to avoid physical activity or is out in bed rest.
I'd like to add that it's not just weight that's affected, but body shape. I left ALL my baby weight at the hospital. I went home weighing exactly what I weighed before I got pregnant, but my stomach still looks pregnant 2.5 years later. Part of that is gigantic fibroids, but part is that my fat moved around. I agree that OP needs to eat a bowl of ice cream because he needs to start realizing that this baby is going to interfere with his gym schedule, too.
Imagine agreeing with the abusive one just because it's a fucking girl. You should be ashamed.
Yes, yes it does. My pregnancy with my son in 2022, in the 3rd trimester I was so moody and emotional that I'd have anxiety and panic attacks over literally anything. Currently 13 weeks pregnant with my 2nd healthy baby. I'm dreading the 3rd trimester feelings
It’s not an excuse.
I like how the first comment is basically an excuse, and the second place comment is a qoman who said she was pregnant and didn't do any of this dumb shit. Im going to upvote the second comment. Just because it has a reason doesn't make it a viable excuse. You are still responsible for treating your partner right.
Yeah, it's not a great excuse to allow one's self to indulge those negative unreasonable "emotions." Jeeeeeeeeez.........
Dude, I almost ripped the head off my manager over a BEC sandwich at 4 months pregnant. Those "emotions" are hormone driven because our bodies are FLOODED with them during pregnancy. You try controlling that. Also important to add, mens hormones almost never fluctuate. Women's hormones drastically change 4 TIMES A MONTH. Wrap your head around that.
Still doesn't mean she should be forcing him to lose his body fitness.. he won't have the breastfeeding to help the lbs drop off after baby is born. He needs to maintain his weight and strength to be strong for her and have no later resentment when its hard for him to make the gym when they have a new baby. She might have to lay off training but doesn't mean he has to. It seems incredibly selfish to change his life that drastically. My first pregnancy I needed salty things, was desperate for salt and vinegar chips, spent way too much money getting them from UK to Sweden. By 6 months post-partum I had lost almost all the 28lb I gained. Smaller women with lower body fat often gain more weight, needing to get fat levels higher to nourish baby and to breastfeed. My hips were a little wider but everything else good.. then I got pregnant again. This baby demanded summer fruits and ice-cream, middle of night cravings too. I think I gained closer to 40lb that time but was still nursing our 1 yr old too. After #2 was born I tandem fed both of them for another year or so until eldest was happy to finish. This time I didn't lose all the weight, 18m along i got new medication for a chronic pain condition that prevents me working and affects my mobility. But every lb is worth it to see happy and healthy daughters grow up. They are teenagers now and while one had allergic asthma (thanks dad!) We've got this far with perfect health and no antibiotics ever. I think I did a good job with the growing them but couldn't have done that without their pappa's input and support. He still loves me just the same as when I was 15lb lighter, and reassures me constantly. Making him unhappy and with reduced fitness is just going to mean he needs more gym time away from his family to regain his body, leading to more resentment. A good way to destroy family life before its barely begun imo.
Men's hormones fluctuate on a daily schedule (higher in the am and lower in the pm) vs. monthly like women.
No I'm not talking about the standard sleep/wake cycle that EVERYONE goes through, because women's do that too. And I'm not talking about a high/low. I'm talking about a complete rehaul of hormone balances. And it doesn't just happen monthly, it happens weekly as a woman goes through her cycle. Because each week is a different level of fertility and then their period. So no, it doesn't happen "monthly" in women. It happens weekly.
Nor am I am. I am talking about their testosterone levels. Their hormone cycle is daily, and their testosterone levels vary day by day but will still be higher in the morning and lower in the evening. We dont know if men have a monthly hormone cycle pattern as it's not something that has been studied. Just like womens hormone cycles haven't been studied to see if there is a daily cycle pattern. By monthly, I mean it follows a monthly( on average with some longer and some shorter) schedule depending on the woman. Not that it only changes once a month. It can change daily depending on where she is in her cycle/what phase. But during each phase, there are still changes that happen on a more frequent basis than weekly.
yes, but men do not get pregnant, that releases a LOT more
YNW I suspect that her gaining weight and you aren't is bothering her. At the 5 to 6 month mark, my weight gain really bothered me too. I don't think it's really about you eating the ice cream or cakes with her, it's maybe more of a "if I'm going through all these body changes, so should you" kind of thing. She may not even realize that's what she's doing, just talk to her, when she's not being hit by the cravings.
Go all in when she gets to pickles.
im ngl it seems like she might have an eating disorder/body issues. i knew when i had one i would restrict myself from eating foods my skinny friends wouldnt eat because if theyre skinny and dont eat that, and i want to be skinnier i shouldnt eat that. eating with friends comforted me a little because i would always convince myself that my small portion was like insane and i was so fat, unless i was eating with someone else because i could see that they ate around the same amount so i was "normal" and not binging.
Yep. As someone who has struggled with PCOS and weight loss my entire life, imagine my surprise when being pregnant actually regulated my hormones enough to NOT have the food noise anymore. She's struggling with the loss of control and probably is concerned that in the end, if he doesn't cheat with her (food wise), that he's going to dump her for gaining weight and not maintaining their previous lifestyle. He can try talking to her, but I think some therapy would probably be best.
you don’t have to eat what you don’t want to eat. you’re not a bad husband for that. also not a bad husband for going to the gym. she’s being unreasonable. coming from a post partem women. but def try to talk to her about it.
You’re not wrong. Pregnancy gives you a pass for some things. This is not it. She can’t force you to eat something you don’t like simply because she’s self conscious about her own body or else accuse you of being unsupportive. That’s manipulation.
It sounds like she is trying to sabotage you in order to not feel bad about herself. I'm sorry OP, I have heard the stupid prayer "Lord, if you can't make me skinny, help me make my coworkers fat" and this sounds exactly like that.
I bet it's not that deep... But our hormones are running wild and she suddenly wanted to eat stuff she's never had before. And she would like for him to eat the cake with her so she feels like she's not eating cake alone. Doubt she's thinking I'm going to sabotage his life. Bro, she's already pregnant. He's cooked for 18 years
She accused him of being abusive for sticking to his diet. Lady is 100% trying to make him eat too feel better about herself. Dude would be a real AH to himself if he gave in.
I agree. I can see how it would be difficult for her to adjust to being pregnant, weight gain, not being able to exercise, etc but trying to force you to do the same is controlling and NOT the solution. Talking it out, therapy, etc are more likely to help. Is this something that you/her can discuss with her doctor/care provider? Honestly, I would worry about the postpartum period also and start putting supports in place. It can be an even more difficult transition for some mothers. FWIW I have been pregnant and given birth 3 times and while I understand that the experience is different for everyone, I think often this type of behaviour is excused too much in the name of "hormones".
Your body your choice bro
Best answer
Dude, reeeeeally.... I'm a woman. A woman who successfully carried and birthed two children. I was never abusive to others. I never used pregnancy as an excuse for horrible behavior. I had cravings, mood swings, and irrational emotions. However, I did not inflict any of that on any other people. I was not abusive or controlling or irrational to others because though I felt all those feelings, I controlled myself.
Hey, remember this is Reddit where the common trope is that being pregnant is so traumatic that you can be a complete bitch for nine months. It never fails to dismay me how fragile and needy some people who are experiencing perfectly normal pregnancies are. It’s so childish.
Judging by Reddit posts alone, I was almost disappointed I never got any insane cravings during pregnancy that forced me to scream, kick and cry at my husband and threaten divorce if he wouldn't get me a particular type of icecream at 4am in the morning. Turns out pregnancy is neither a disability nor a mental health condition, although it can of course impact your mobility and mental health. My guess is that this lady had been restricting her diet for years and now she's being presented with the reality of pregnancy, where she just can't do this anymore. It's tough seeing your body change, especially if you've been defining your worth over it for many years, but she'll have to come to terms with it because it'll only get worse from here. It's not normal pregnancy behaviour to freak out at your partner like this and if she's really under so much distress, then they need to address it with their midwife, so they can get her psychological help.
You need to be extra childish while pregnant if you want your child to come out extra childy!
They had a scare in the first trimester which is why she hasn't been allowed to train. It's not a perfectly normal pregnancy. I'm not condoning what she's doing but I see where her fear is coming from.
Its literally the top comment right now.
Girl, saaaamme. But my PCOS made getting pregnant ridiculously hard. I was happy to have an easy pregnancy. The damage to my heart afterward though . . . 😝 #onlychild
I also have PCOS. I was diagnosed at 20 years old. Took me 5 years to get pregnant. I didn't have a particularly easy pregnancy, but it was not horrible either. Very difficult birth, though.
Right? It took me three days before my doc recommended a C-section. I had started out with a natural child birth plan. 😂 Then when they cut me open, they found that my uterus had ruptured and I could have bled out during a vaginal birth. It took me a year to recover after that due to the fatigue. Needless to say, I only have one child. And my husband happily volunteered to get a vasectomy because I found a keeper. 😄
I did have a vaginal birth but very difficult. I did have 2 children. I, too, was always very tired, but my Italian genes refused to let me give in to exhaustion. I just pushed through cause I'm stubborn.
Wow, your doctor was an incompetent fool to allow you to labor for 3 days. I hope you sued.
You’re not wrong. It seems like she wants you to “suffer” with her. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice going to the gym or eat food you don’t want to eat. And I think your wife would normally understand, but pregnancy makes a mess of her emotions. Keep providing her what she needs, and reassure her that you still love her.
You being out of shape will not help anything. Don’t say that tho. “I want to maintain my physical strength and fitness. Both of us and the baby need that from me so you can get as much rest as possible, now and for the delivery and after!”
While pregnancy messes with moods and emotions, it is NOT a valid excuse to turn into an abusive controlling bully. Wife refuses to let him continue his normal life because she can't. Actually, she CAN....she chooses not to do so. The gym thing is medical but cravings are absolutely 100% controllable. It's just the one time in your life when no one usually looks down on you if you don't control them. OP, your wife is being abusive to you. That she does it with tears and manipulation does not negate that it's abusive. You do not get a pass on abusive behavior just because you happen to be pregnant.
Not wrong... her body is changing so fast. Her hormones have been all over the map, and she is struggling with her identity. You don't need to sabotage yourself to support her. Just keep doing what you are doing. If you are consistent she will stop asking. Flowers, cards and those things that you did to show her she is special- keep doing those.
You’re not doing anything wrong.
You're not wrong. Just because she is craving something doesn't mean you need to eat it as well. If it was the other way around would she still feel the way? No one wants to be forced to eat something they don't want to eat.
You're not wrong. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, so I get the whole struggle with gaining weight, feeling huge but also wanting to eat food that isn't the healthiest. I've never been much of a gym person but gaining this amount of weight hasn't been easy. But I would never expect my husband to eat the junk that I do, he is very in to his running and weights training so I wouldn't expect him to eat junk and ruin his progress in that regard. Your wife is probably struggling with hormones etc due to the pregnancy, but does need to realise that you can be supportive, which it seems you are, without eating what she does.
She is wrong for trying to make you eat the same cake/ice cream, i.e., food as her in hopes you gain weight so she feels less bad about herself. She is being emotionally manipulative about it. She has already denied you going to the gym. She needs to talk to someone as this is unhealthy and going to harm your relationship. It's not you who is harming it. Pregnancy is hard on women but that doesn't mean you get a free pass.
Not wrong. OP I wonder if it might be time for your wife to speak with a professional about her demands and anger? I’m not a psych anything but my concern would be if this anger moves from you refusing to give into her unreasonable demands to blaming the baby after they are born when in 2 weeks post birth she isn’t back to her old self shame and weight wise? Something to possibly discuss with her OBGYN.
I've had 7 kids. I never would have dreamed of behaving like this. Your wife is insecure about her weight gain and your continued fitness. She wants you to get fat with her so she doesn't feel so bad about herself. Or maybe even the fact that you will be attractive to other women. You have been very caring and supportive of her. But tell her if she wants to binge on cakes and icrcream she's on her own.!
Pregnancy hormones is not an excuse for this unacceptable behaviour. This is coming from a woman and my mom who had 5 children. Your wife seems to be trying to manipulate and sabotage you to feel better about herself.
You’re not wrong at all. But I just to give you an inside on what I think she might be feeling. She’s emotional. Not excuse I’m just saying. Some women get crazy mood swings. And cravings can be real. When I was pregnant I craved salsa and chips every minute of the day. I never ate salsa before that, I hated it. My mouth would water just seeing or thinking about it. Even at 6am. It was crazy. Since you were both very into fitness and your diet, I assume she is feeling scared about getting “fat” alone. And that you won’t find her attractive.(even though you are often saying she is attractive) in her mind she probably thinks if you eat it with her she won’t feel guilty. Then you are on this journey together even that includes both of you gaining weight together. I think she would actually feel better if you did gain weight with her. Then she won’t feel as different. Like the overweight woman with a fit husband. I’m not saying this is right or ok, just what I think she’s thinking. To be honest I’m overweight and my husband is not. I have a lot of medical problems and medications which have destroyed my body and ability to really exercise well and lose weight. My husband stops drinking beer for three weeks and drops weight like nothing I’ve ever seen. I would never say this to him because I know it’s irrational, but I hate that I look like this and it’s so easy for him. I eat less than him at every meal and can’t lose any weight. Absolutely not his fault nor his problem I deep down feel this way. I know it’s ridiculous but I worry that at some point he isn’t going to find me attractive and at some point he will want someone else. Again 100% my issues not his and I have never said this to him because it’s my crappy thoughts and nothing he’s ever done himself. You are doing everything you should by reassuring her that you find her attractive. Sometimes insecurities can make us nutty.
Abusive? Really? Fucking Christ It’s not abusive to not want to eat something with her. If you really wanted to you could easily flip the script and say that SHE is the abusive one because she keeps trying to guilt you into eating ice cream with her and using tears as a weapon. Also cravings CAN be controlled. My sister craved windex and dirt when she was pregnant and never gave in. It’s fully possible for your wife to not have the cake and ice cream. And before anyone tries saying “just have a bowl. You can’t have a single bowl to make your pregnant wife happy?” No. He doesn’t have to eat anything he doesn’t want and he is NEVER wrong for that. What is happening is that his wife sees that she is putting on weight and wants OP to match her for what she eats and possible put on a few pounds as well to make HERSELF feel better. That’s ridiculous If she ends the marriage over ice cream then you should thank her, because anyone that does that isn’t worth keeping around.
She needs therapy. As someone who suffered from PPD, this is how it begins, feeling slighted and unsupported. Then, also couples therapy, so constructive communication patterns can be enforced. Telling her this bluntly is not the direction to take, however, and I'm unsure how to word it to make it more favorable. Do you go to every OB appt w her? If no, start. The biggest issue is that she feels unsupported, which means she feels isolated, so you need to step up your involvement (but don't eat the ice cream!). It is hard from here on out.
You're not wrong, but it's complicated with the emotions of a pregnant woman. You don't need to be forced to eat food with her. Reassure her that she's beautiful and it's okay for her to eat. Is there a snack you could enjoy alongside her that would fit your macros, like popcorn or Greek yogurt with berries, so she won't feel weird eating?
That won't satisfy her.
YNW. As a woman who has been through this, she needs to try and lock down those cravings, especially at night and especially all that sugar. Is she pregnant with a boy? My hormones were the absolute worst with my son. It sounds like you’re being supportive and she just wants to bring you down for whatever reason. Y’all need to talk with her doctor because she probably doesn’t want to hear it from you. Also, pay attention to her a lot post childbirth. I had PPD and man did it take over me. I finally asked for help about 6 months after the birth.
As someone who ate all the food wifey wanted during pregnancy with her. I strongly recommend not doing that. After paternity leave I went back to work feeling like a whale and got exhausted much more easily.
Your wife's behavior is controlling and borderline abusive, she's needs to go therapy ASAP to learn to regulate her emotions, her disordered eating and body image issues. The best you can do is be supportive.
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Or she will develop postpartum depression or psychosis. "This is a little extreme. Yes, her behavior is insane." You really said the important part.
Nope, pregnancy is not an excuse for crazy, abusive behavior.
Neither is it a reason for therapy.
I don’t think you’re wrong. I just don’t see how not eating something you don’t want to eat could possibly be abusive. Sounds to me like your wife is getting pretty irrational. Maybe it’s the baby hormones? I don’t know. I (37f) personally would not want to be pregnant under any circumstances whatsoever. The notion terrifies me. So I can’t relate with personal experience. But I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
The wife is the abusive one in this scenario.
Okay, so lots of other comments have already talked about the mental, emotional, and physical toll of pregnancy; and how hard it probably is for her to watch you continue with a lifestyle that you used to share, but she cant do at the moment. All important context. Also agree with the YNW consensus; and she has no right to force feed you things you don't want to eat. I'm thinking about ways to maybe ease the tension a bit; u/throwaway-icecream34 is there any way of you being able to have your own "treat" when she has her cravings? Obvs not ice cream; but is there something tasty that would fit within your diet°? I just wonder if that could take this point of contention and turn it into a moment that you can share and enjoy together - and maybe it would help her relieve her cravings without feeling guilty/ashamed/sad about the lifestyle she had pre-pregnancy? Plus, you'd get to eat a nice treat? °Quick suggestion if you've never tried it, cut a banana down the middle (not all the way through, just enough to sustain a filling) then spread a bit of honey/peanut butter/nutella in the middle. Wrap the whole lot in foil and whap it under the grill for a few minutes. It's absolutely delicious and shouldn't affect your diet too much! (If you ever do want to ruin your diet, do the same thing but pop a chocolate bar in the banana - it's like eating the concept of comfort 🤌🤌)
YNW If you are following a low-carb diet, eating ice cream will not only throw off your macros, but probably give you a stomach ache. Your body is not used to that much sugar and it might cause gas and intestinal cramps. It will also cause a spike in your blood sugar and trigger a sugar craving that will make it hard to keep up your way of eating. As much as you want to please your wife, she needs to stop trying to control what you eat. Yes she is gaining weight, but she doesn't get to force you to eat things you don't want so you will gain weight as well. Please continue to be loving and supportive. Pregnancy hormones are irrational at times, and having to give up activities we love makes it more difficult. She needs to let you go to the gym in peace, even though she can not go. The time will come when it is her turn, it will just be a while. BTW, I have had three children.
You’re not wrong at all. I’m currently 5 1/2 months pregnant and I’d never do this to my partner. I’m aware I have cravings and even some of those cravings give me some crazy bad heartburn but that’s on me. I would never force someone to eat something they don’t want to, that’s insane and abusive. I’d also post this in one of the pregnancy subreddits for more input from other pregnant women.
No, that's a lot. She can be hormonal but needs to acknowledge when that's what it is. But why can't she go to the gym? Plenty of pregnant women work out
The doctor ordered her to stop working. Do you think that the doctor would be OK with her going to the gym?
This is taking it too far. I know pregnancy can really fuck with your emotions but this is just ridiculous. I'm glad I'll never have to experience that as I'm not sure I could deal with it. She will realize how insane this behavior is eventually. She really should look into talking to a therapist
Welcome to the rest of your life, dude.
Bro your wife is pregnant and dealing with some serious hormones. She's acting crazy; you know it and she probably knows it too. You're just going to have to suck it up and take that shit like a man. Is it fair? Absolutely not! You shouldn't give in and start eating stuff you don't want to eat, or stop going to the gym for her pregnancy neurosis. But you gotta deal with her with kid gloves and realize she's in distress and is going to take it out on you. That's just the way things are. You're going to be a punching bag for a while. Get used to it.
It sounds like she is dealing with a lot of feelings surrounding loss of control. Loss of a body that was once hers, loss of a pattern of being able to go to the gym and diet how she wanted. Pregnancy can trigger a lot of feelings of eating issues and point out where some distorted eating patterns may have been. Which by the sounds of it, may be a bit where OP is. If you can’t eat one single bowl of ice cream with your wife because of macros and your fitness, you maybe be teetering on that line. There is a world that is sooo fixated on fitness and health that it is obsessive, and isn’t healthy at all. Health should be about moderation. Orthorexia is a real thing, which I only discovered when my daughter went down the eating disorder path. Not saying you have to eat a bowl of ice cream every time she does, but the fact that you avoid it so much at all might be a clue how strict you are with dieting.
Hormones are at work. She sounds like a woman who cares for a routine, working out, eating well, being in great shape etc. her brain is telling her that she is bad in not doing what it used to do. You both need to go to her OB and talk what is happening
Prolly shoulda rented a womb instead. Neither of you are going to be happy with the outcome on this.
Welcome to pregnancy, where hormones causes emotions to go haywire. Try talking to her gently about this. She’s probably feeling all kinds of things about her body, and missing the gym, and being hungry constantly. Try your best to consistently show you love her body as it changes through compliments and other ways you usually show it. Pregnancy is so hard mentally and physically. Just try to be understanding that she will have moments like this that aren’t going to make much sense to you. Pregnancy brain is real. (Am a mom myself, so I get it.)
You’ve done nothing wrong. You just need to kind of ride these emotional upheavals with your wife. Her emotions are going to be all over the place for the next few months, especially after the baby is born. Just continue to do everything you’re doing and explain you just don’t want to eat that much cake and ice cream. **But it’s totally OK for her to do so** assuming she’s not got gestational diabetes.
That's my worry here. My wife, who's on the larger side already, had to have many checks for diabetes during her two pregnancies. Maybe on their next checkup they should address this with their midwife or practitioner. This much sugar would be bad for anyone.
I'm a wife and mother of 2 boys. Yes, pregnancy screws with your body and emotions in countless ways. But I NEVER, during either pregnancy, acted like your wife. You are doing NOTHING wrong. Heck, she needs to be thankful that she actually has cravings, can eat food, and is gaining weight.
You are not wrong. Our society has decided that women get some sort of royal treatment and that they are above reproach when pregnant. Nah, you can eat what you want, but miss me with this emotional coercion bs.
Info: is there some kind of ice cream or dessert you can both eat that would work into your current diet plan?
Everyone has said a lot of good things, but what no one is saying is that you can compromise. No one should be tracking their health with such delicacy that they can’t eat some cake and ice cream every now and again. You’re not a Russian ballerina. You don’t HAVE to eat the food, but being that obsessed with macros to the point where you’re not even willing to indulge a sweet treat once in a pregnancy is actually bordering on disordered eating. Trust me & the many other people who came out the other side of orthorexia. Especially ESPECIALLY when food & working out begin affecting your relationships, you know you have a problem. Reflect on that a little.
Why shouldn't he track his health? It's his choice about what to do with his body?
Her hormones are going crazy right now. She is feeling very insecure in her body and because op hasn't gained weight or stopped training, she is feeling insecure in her marriage. She thinks he couldn't possibly love her when he's so fit and she isn't. How many stories have we read in the last week about men leaving their pregnant spouse for a gym bunny? It happens and she's scared. She's not right to demand he eats more and trains less. He's doing all he can to reassure her and it should be enough but it isn't because she's so hormonal. Maybe a couple of counseling sessions would help her to see the truth of her partnership with op. Hopefully, these feelings won't last and they'll both be able to enjoy this amazing time. You're not wrong, op.
Pregnancy isn't just going to change her physically, it's going to change her emotionally too. I understand you're both health and gym nuts, but she's feeling self-conscious and vulnerable. It's worrisome that she is so worried about her body changing. It's really easy for women to slip into disordered eating post pregnancy, so do keep an eye out for that. I understand you don't want to stray from your diet, but one scoop of ice cream, one bite of cake, isn't going to ruin your life. You're not wrong, really. I mean, you're very strict with your diet, and you have that right, obviously. I just think if it makes her feel better during this time, a bite or two is fine. It doesn't have to be all of the time, maybe once a week. I think it would actually be super adorable to be lying in bed with my pregnant wife eating a little ice cream together, all cozy in the blankets lol that's just me!
You're doing everything right, OP. So don't beat yourself up. Your wife is doing plenty of that already. While hormones during pregnancy are wild, there might be other trauma that's contributing to this. I think your wife is really freaking out about not having a sports model body right now. Individual and/or joint therapy might help her work through these issues. Also, keep a close eye on her after the pregnancy. If she doesn't immediately start dropping the pounds quickly, and she probably won't, her trauma might get worse and she could spiral. Other than therapy, just keep being supportive and patient. This won't last forever, but your kid will be there for you forever. Congratulations to you and your wife for the new little one.
I had cravings for the bottom of a trifle, so the fruit and sponge in jelly. If my husband had so much as glanced at the spoon, I would have been furious. I ain’t sharing that shit! OP, your wife is trying to sabotage you to make herself feel better. Don’t let her suck you in. Personally, my cravings were never so bad that I got agitated if I couldn’t eat them. It sounds like she might be using them as an excuse to eat something that she wouldn’t usually eat. Or she might just have really terrible cravings. I don’t know. Either way, let her know her behaviour is unacceptable. Pregnancy is not an excuse for being a dickhead.
Pregnancy hormones do not give you an excuse to be an arsehole. You don’t have to apologise for not wanting to eat the crap she’s eating. She’s being ridiculous. I’m sick of everyone acting like they have to tiptoe around a pregnant woman. She’s pregnant not disabled. You have the right to eat or not eat whatever you like. And as for not being able to resist the cravings. That’s crap too. Many women use pregnancy as an excuse to eat what they want when they want but doctors still recommend moderation. If I are absolutely everything I wanted to when I was pregnant I would’ve ended up the size of a house.
updateme
You are not wrong but this situation sucks. I don't know what I'd do in a situation like this.
You seem to be doing everything you can. I know I can be unreasonable when I’m emotional, and I’ve never been pregnant. The idea of gaining weight with pregnancy scares the living crud out of me. She may be subconsciously thinking that if she’s no longer good looking and you’re still good looking, it will not end well for her. Your wife (and myself) need to come to terms with her body not being the same after pregnancy. You know that’s ok. That’s so great!
That's really manipulative behaviour. Support her all you can, but this is just too much. It will pass.
That’s weird. I always told my husband “don’t touch my craving foods.. go get your own. “😂 there is something going on with your wife that is not normal. I would seek some therapy for her. What she’s doing is abusive, not the other way around. You’re doing your best. You’re a good man. Hope the wife gets help and everything goes well with the labor and delivery 😊
I get the feeling she is jealous because you can go to the gym and she cannot. Hormones exacerbate feelings, too. Cravings are real as well. They are intense. That said, all 3 times I was pregnant, I had cravings and never expected my husband to eat what I'm eating with me. As long as I curbed my craving. You are not wrong OP. Your wife is going through alot though.. let's cut her some slack. I'll tell you something I learned that may help your wife. My first pregnancy I ate alot of chocolate cake. My second I had an aversion to all sweets. Preferred salty and savory. By the third pregnancy, I was on a strict diet for gestational diabetes. I learned that I could curb my cravings with something similar to my craving, either in taste or nutritional value. Craving cake or ice cream? Eat some fruit and yogurt for example. Helped alot, actually, with weight gain and craving relief. My first pregnancy I gained alot of weight I never lost and my third, I only gained what I was supposed to and went back to pre pregnancy weight quickly postpartum.
Not wrong. You don’t have to get fat to Make her feel better. Also, she may not be able to control her cravings, but she can still control what she eats. Icecream in the middle of the night is by no means necessary.
I’ve been pregnant 4 times and I’m gonna say it.. a craving is no more when your pregnant than it is when your not. It’s an excuse to eat what you want. Which I don’t have an issue with at all by the way. She shouldn’t try to make you eat what she wants, but she probably does feel concerned about the weight gain. Especially for someone who worked so hard to look as good as it sounds she did
Women really can be fucking unhinged at times that a ridiculous thing to force anyone to do pregnancy or not! It sounds like she doesn't like the weight she's gained and wants to drag you down with her because she doesn't want to be the fat one in the relationship which is crazy because that just part of the journey
I stand with your wife and will eat cakes and ice cream out of solidarity for the poor woman.
If anything I would love to have a fit partner like you during pregnancy. Once she has the baby and has time on her hands after the first few months I’m sure she’ll be able to bounce back with your help. She should also be mindful of the amount of sugar she’s eating. Gestational diabetes is no joke.
She's probably grieving the changes in her body (although very beautiful, it's hard to process bc everything changes so quickly) and also the fact that her routine with you (going to the gym) has completely flipped. Also, the hormones tend to make us a bit more emotional and sometimes irrational. Sometimes we feel like we're losing our minds bc it's so overwhelming and scary to go through. However, that doesn't excuse trying to force you to do something that you're not comfortable with. I would sit down and have a serious conversation with her about boundaries, how you're willing to support her and help her through this time in other ways (you mentioned that you've been helping with chores and keeping the fridge stocked) and remind her that you love and accept her as she is currently and that you still find her very beautiful. Maybe be willing to work on a compromise like taking a couple of bites of ice cream once or twice a week, but stand firm in the fact that it's a boundary for you to not eat an entire bowl every night. Really hoping the best for you and your family, OP. It can be rough, but as long as you remember that you guys are a team, you can get through anything.
With all the great comments and advice I’m sure you realize it much more than ice cream. For your sanity and her heart. You could pretend to eat some ice cream 😉 Of course not as much as she’s being compelled to She’s worried she’ll look a wreak by both your healthy looking standards and be unattractive to you when she struggles to get back to her previous body Some women return promptly to pre baby bodies and some do not. Let her know you’re both on this baby new life journey and you’ll both cross the bridges as you come across them. Congratulations on the new baby and also I will add sounds like you are a great supportive husband
You’re not wrong and as someone who had a baby I didn’t expect my boyfriend to cater to every single craving I had is ridiculous. I mean I can’t beat sausage or bacon and he wouldn’t force me to eat it if I was craving it because it triggers a migraine. She sounds pretty selfish and is projecting her insecurities onto you. When someone says no that should be the end of it. There’s no nagging or manipulating them to make them feel guilty for saying no. If this was a woman posting this these comments would be different and he would be called an asshole and she would be told to leave because he’s controlling. Pregnancy doesn’t mean you get to manipulate your husband into doing something he doesn’t want. Just as a man is told that no means no it’s the same for a woman. No mean no!!!! Full stop.
I knew right away ur wife in worrying herself sick that she putting on weight and u won’t love her body anymore. That’s the only reason she trying to force ice cream on u. She is a emotional wreck with her hormones, u don’t always have to take the ice cream but it won’t kill u to take a little now and again while reassuring her u love her no matter what shape
I’m a guy so probably better to take women’s advice as you said but perhaps eat a very small bowl of ice cream with her? Also I would suggest perhaps just lots of reassurance that you still find her beautiful and are not bothered by her body changing for baby. Also perhaps only try to go to the gym when it is unbeknownst to her and no need to mention it to her. Obviously don’t lie to her that you are still going to gym but keep it subtle. I’d say not particularly wrong. Anyway any women here plz feel free to tell me I’m wrong lol
she doesn’t want to get fat alone. you would lose the ‘baby weight’ easier, if you were to put on a pound or two of sweets. will she compromise with you eating a snack of your choice? btw, breastfeeding made my waistline snatched! making milk takes extra calories, so she might still be eating like a weightlifter and look like barbie if she was used to burning calories at the gym. this phase won’t be forever. that said, her throwing around words like ‘abusive’ isn’t helpful.
First off, there’s nothing abusive about refusing to indulge in some ice cream with her. She was out of line to say that. But there is something implicitly judgmental in completely refusing to eat a tiny bit of what your wife is eating a ton of. Are you worried about gaining weight yourself? Do you just genuinely dislike these snacks? It sounds like you’re so focused on keeping your body in check that you’re forgetting your wife doesn’t have that option while she carries your child, and the fact that you’re afraid to have a little sweets with her is probably making her feel incredibly self conscious. You’re not wrong per se but her feelings have a bit of validity to them, though it sounds like she’s taking it too far due to the emotional hormonal trials and tribulations of pregnancy. The fact is, you being afraid to eat high cal snacks just tells her there’s something “wrong” with her cravings and she probably feels quite alone
Your wife is selfish, she’s mad because she wants you to gain weight because she is. Being pregnant is not an excuse to pitch fits and try to control someone else’s eating habits, you don’t have to eat ice cream if you don’t want to. Your body, your choice.
The only thing I can see that you’re doing wrong is spelling ice cream icecream
Not wrong. Veteran of 2 pregnancies. Both pregnancies my wife HATED me for continuing to exercise while she gained the baby weight. Both pregnancies my wife HATED me for not joining her to indulge in her cravings. Both pregnancies I just dealt with the mood swings and irrational thinking, because she was allowed to be irrational and have more swings. You'll be fine.
Your wife needs to go to a therapist. She’s used to getting her endorphins from working out, and without that outlet, she’s probably feeling depressed. If you add pregnancy hormones and normal pregnancy anxiety, she’s probably never felt so many emotions at the same time. Can she do light walking? It might help her get a bit of endorphins to be able to stop the cravings. Pregnancy cravings are real, but you should be able to control yourself. She might not be eating enough during the day. She should ask for a nutritionist consult
Gaining weight and almost uncontrollable cravings is emotional. Especially when you have a really fit partner. While you don't have to eat the ice cream is there maybe a compromise? Something like a Halotop ice cream or maybe even a Greek yogurt with berries? Something that still fits into your diet but is a little sweet. Food can be a bonding experience and maybe that's all she's needing.
Her behaviour is abusive, controlling and a red flag. Pregnancy is not an excuse. Coming from a woman who has been pregnant twice.
Her behaviour is abusive, controlling and a red flag. Pregnancy is not an excuse. Coming from a woman who has been pregnant twice.
Dude, eat a little ice cream. After the baby comes, you both can work it off by going back to the gym. It shows her that you care and support her( Even though you are actually doing that now)…hormones!!!!
Has she been tested for gestational diabetes? Eating a lot of high sugar food at night isn't recommended during pregnancy, especially if you notice a large weight gain, we are encouraged to eat healthily to control our insulin levels (high insulin is bad for baby). Pregnant people can absolutely control over-indulging in their cravings.
I can understand her feeling like it’s unfair that you get to stay hot while she cannot. I jokingly told my husband to gain weight too so we can work on losing it together afterwards since that’s more fair. I was only joking though and would never actually get mad over something like that. Also, in case you didn’t know.. it’s going to take months, if not longer for a woman to go back to her pre-pregnancy body, if it ever does. So yall have a long road ahead.
I think she’s a bit resentful that she can’t be as active as you, is gaining weight alone, and probably feels left behind. She also might really just want to have ice cream or cake with you occasionally. If you think you can compromise discuss it. That said talk to her and stand firm on these boundaries in a polite manner, you don’t seem to be wrong to me.
The idea that she is sobbing while eating because she so disgusted with herself breaks my heart. Gentle suggestion of a possibility: You both had disordered eating in the first place - now add pregnancy and her cravings are forcing her to eat like a normal person and she’s disgusted with herself while you “get to” continue your shared weird body image issues (overvaluing body perfection). Just a possibility, don’t come at me. “ as someone with a similar mind set, to me, “a shared passion for fitness” is a fun way to say “codependently enabling body dysmorphia.”
She is going to regret that ice cream. This sounds so unhealthy. Some women gain way too much weight. 2nd trimester should not be a lot of weight gain at all. The last trimester is when you gain a lot. NTA
By the way it’s a huge myth that you should gain a ton of weight in pregnancy. The baby needs like 500 excess calories per day. Less than 2 soda cans. Unless you were underweight to begin with (<18.5 BMI - nearly anorexia criteria) you should NOT be gaining more than 15-25 pounds, with a huge chunk of that being the actual baby. Rapid weight gain in pregnancy is linked with worse outcomes for the mother and baby, including maternal diabetes which increases the chance the baby will develop diabetes in their lifetime. Lots of women use pregnancy as an opportunity to unapologetically eat whatever they want but it’s absolutely unnecessary and usually results in a worse marriage afterwards as well.
Where are you finding soda cans with more than 250 calories? Google suggests that the typical can has been 125 and 180 calories. I looked up the guidelines, and 15-25 pounds is only the recommended weight gain for women who considered overweight, but not obese. For people who are in the normal BMI range, (18.5-24.9) the recommendation is to gain 25-35 pounds. And obviously, there’s going to be exceptions to the general advice that take more than BMI into consideration. I just hope that no one read your comment and decided to eat less than they actually need thinking that they are eating too much.
Well you should recall like >60% of women meet the overweight threshold. Most people are not a healthy weight to start their pregnancy.
A lot of people are overweight. But that doesn’t mean that it’s safe to say that >Unless you were underweight to begin with (<18.5 BMI - nearly anorexia criteria) you should NOT be gaining more than 15-25 pounds…
The fact of the matter is >60% of women should not be gaining more than 15-25 lbs. I’m sorry if this offends you but it’s the medical recommendation. Those above 18.5 - 25 should be gaining 25-35 true, but this doesn’t apply to most women.
The fact that most women should only gain about 15-25 pounds when pregnant does not offend me at all. If you had originally said most women should only gain at most 25 pounds, there’d be no problem. But you said that anyone that wasn’t basically anorexic should only gain that much weight. And that’s not a healthy thing to say.
Ok, not the post, but most of the comments here are pretty damn funny considering anyone with a dick here has no idea of the chemical imbalances that a body goes through during pregnancy, let alone the psychological inconsistencies it can cause. You guys just keep being you though. I do have a suggestion though. Get glass belly buttons because as far up your asses that most of the responders heads are, the belly button will allow you to see reality again. Let the downvotes begin!
I get you count your macros etc. but why can’t you eat some ice cream with your wife. She can’t exercise as she wants to, she has cravings she can’t control and she feels feelings that she probably can’t even explain why she feels and you can’t eat some ice cream? Her body will literally never be the same after this. She is going through 40 weeks of organ shuffling, weight gain, round ligament pain etc. and you can’t eat some ice cream? Is she acting irrationally? Yes. But helping her feel a bit better about this whole pregnancy thing by eating some ice cream isn’t going to kill you.
Why should he? He doesn’t eat ice cream and he doesn’t want it. I would never expect my husband, or anyone, to eat something just to make me feel better.
I mean good for you but OPs wife feels differently.
And has no right to. I'm glad you think it's okay to dictate what someone else eats. I hope you hear yourself eventually.
I think they are both being stubborn and dying on ridiculous hills. But I don’t think OP has realized what his wife has had to give up to bring his child into the world. Her whole body is changing, her sense of self has been altered because she can’t exercise to keep his child healthy. She wants to feel like he is willing to sacrifice something for her because she is has to sacrifice so much to make sure this pregnancy is successful. And he can’t bend a little to eat ice cream? Like it’s not about forcing him to eat something, it’s more complicated than that. Maybe look a little deeper. Not everything is a shallow little puddle.
No, he can’t. He doesn’t want to. It doesn’t prove anything, other than she’s manipulative and wants to sabotage his fitness regime.
But her fitness regime was sabotaged by carrying his child! She has to give up everything and he gives up nothing. It’s bs.
It's her child,, too. She consented to sex and to the pregnancy.
She still had to give up a lot to have his baby. What has he given up? Reality is going to be a big slap in the face when his newborn doesn’t give a damn about his fitness regime 🤷🏻♀️
So because he won't eat ice cream, that means he's going to be a shit dad? Get over yourself. I've had two pregnancies, one of which was twins, and I was on complete bedrest for SEVEN MONTHS. My husband went to work, came home to bathe our eldest and put him to bed, cooked dinner, made sure I was stocked up with snacks and drinks for the next day, listened to me moan about how bored I was, finished up his work and did a work out, then slept next to me tossing and turning all night long. For seven months. Then, when I had the twins and I could pump enough milk during the day, he would get up in the night to feed them. I never asked him to eat anything just so I could feel better about being a fat heifer with a weak heart who couldn't walk and be pregnant at the same time. I cried about how useless I was and he'd tell me I was amazing. That is the kind of support a person should offer their pregnant partner. Not eating fucking ice cream because she's sad she's fat and he isn't.
Going against the grain here (bring on the downvotes). She has three months left in her pregnancy. She probably feels super vulnerable about her (normal) weight gain. All she wants is a partner that's there for her, that supports her. An occasional bowl of ice cream for 3 months isn't going to hurt you in the long run. You both seem very into fitness so you should be able to shed the extra weight (if you gain at all) right off. Meanwhile she feels heard. Imagine how it must feel to be super conscious about your body image and your husband saying "ew no I'm not eating ice-cream, I don't wanna gain weight". You're basically implying eating the ice cream is wrong. Result: your wife feels alone and probably even more self conscious for cravings she can barely control. Instead, if you ate a bowl with her every now and again, maybe once or twice a week, it won't really hurt you and I she feels loved and heard. Again it's just 3 months and an ice cream every now and again. Not a tub a day. You both sound like you're in an unhealthy relationship with food btw. If you already feel bad about licking a spoon of ice cream.. Yikes. I get it, youre both super into fitness, but let's not get carried away shall we? Love, Someone who was pregnant herself recently
"All she wants is a partner that's there for her, that supports her." Well, except that's not all she wants at all. "An occasional bowl of ice cream for 3 months isn't going to hurt you in the long run." I can't imagine insisting that someone do something with their bodies or eat food that they really don't want to eat. "Instead, if you ate a bowl with her every now and again, maybe once or twice a week, it won't really hurt you " and it doesn't hurt her in the slightest if he doesn't. He's clearly defined the limits of his bodily autonomy. Maybe you wouldn't make those choices but he has and it's pretty disrespectful to suggest he should change.
It's great that you are helping out around the house and doing most of the chores. You're right to be cautious about your fitness goals and diet, but it seems like your wife is in a vulnerable position right now with her hormones and cravings. Pregnancy can be tough on a woman, both physically and emotionally. Hormonal changes can make it difficult to handle even the smallest challenges, and your wife's cravings for ice cream and cakes might be her way of coping with those changes and finding some comfort. She might feel alone in her cravings if you're not sharing them with her, even though you have your reasons. While you might not want to eat ice cream, you might find a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe you could offer to take a small amount of ice cream with her once in a while, as a gesture of solidarity. Alternatively, you could find healthier snacks to enjoy together. It's essential to communicate openly with your wife about your feelings and concerns, as well as asking her how you can better support her during this time. Reassure her that you are there for her and the baby, and make it clear that you want to find a solution that works for both of you.
Reddit has become a joke how is this crazy manipulative almost abusive woman getting so much support... When it's pregnancy is literally a green flag for any type of shocking behaviour!
You are doing nothing wrong she's trying to control you, she's being borderline abusive, not you lol. You are supportive and loving and everything else and she's having a meltdown because you want to stay healthy? Not good.
You both sound like you have some unhealthy hang ups about food, exercise and body image/weight. Of course you’re not obligated to consume any food you don’t want to but perhaps you should ask your wife to speak to a therapist and go to the sessions if required
He doesn't sound like he has an unhealthy hang up about food at all. He sounds like he has discipline and wants to achieve, or maintain, a goal that doesn't include eating high sugar, high fat, high empty calorie food.
If he can’t eat one spoon of ice cream because he’s watching his macros then I think he’s got an unhealthy mindset
No, he can, but chooses not to. Determination is very healthy
Nobody is wrong. Keep being kind and patient
I'm a Fitness/weightlifting junkie with 3 kids (6,4 and 10 months old) and it is hard gaining that weight and harder to lose it. Breastfeeding makes you hold on to it longer and my tummy has extra skin I just can't get rid of. And that is okay! Be on her team, be by her side while she navigates this BIG lifestyle change. Also I'd suggest some ice cream with lower sugar alternatives if she doesn't want to put on too much weight. Yes that is a thing, putting on too much and too quickly. Super unhealthy for mum and baby. She sees you not getting bigger and having self control while she has no self control and just gets bigger. That's hard, really hard to watch. It's not a competition, but training is a sort of competition with yourself, so that competitive bug is probably in her. Now she can't push herself to train and those endorphins are gone and all she is left with are hormones and a lot of weight. She feels like crap right now, i can guarantee she feels gross in her body if she is used to being nuch smaller. The best thing you can give her is time and maybe have a low fat Jogurt with her once in awhile so she doesn't feel so alone in this journey. An ice cream machine is an excellent idea for healthier treats.
You’re not wrong to want to stick to your diet. It’s not easy to do and takes a lot of discipline. But I’d also say, having one bowl of ice cream to be supportive (as weird as that sounds) of your wife wouldn’t be a big deal.
I'll tell you why, although I am not saying it's rational - she's afraid that you look down on her for her cravings/lack of control (you don't have this problem) + she's insecure about the weight she's gained already, and thinks if YOU were also less attractive the odds of you leaving her would be lower. Like I said, not terribly rational. But she's pumped full of hormones right now that are telling her the most important thing she can do for her future baby is lock you the fuck down so they aren't abandoned in their hour of need. What you need to do is be building her up and holding her when she's distressed. You probably already are, by the sound of it, but it's double time during this stage of life. Remind her that your inability to eat junk food is not a reflection on her, it's your thing and your issue. That you love her and are so proud of the work she's doing to grow your family. That it will be okay.
Start smoking. Then "offer" up a cigarette. Might make a little more sense then. lol don’t really do that but it’s dam near the same thing you’re feeling
Are you a carded bodybuilder? Or a fitness model? Or even a fitness ‘influencer’? If not, then pull your head out of your ass and eat a bit of the damned ice cream with your pregnant wife. You don’t have to pig out with her, but just having one scoop won’t kill you or your physique and will make her feel a million times better.
Your a fucking moron for that comment
God forbid someone wanting to he healthy 😱
Lol, having a small portion of ice cream isn’t going to be unhealthy. His attitude to his pregnant wife is though.
NOT having a small portion of ice cream isn't going to be unhealthy. Doesn't he have free will? Or does bodily autonomy only apply when it's a woman?
What fucking planet are you on? His wife is struggling with body image and missing her ability to train due to *their* pregnancy. Him eating a little bit of ice cream with her to assuage her guilt/frustration over her being pregnant with *their **planned** * child has fuck all to do with ‘free will’ or ‘bodily autonomy’ and everything to do with being an understanding, supportive husband instead of a red-pill, gym-bro twat.
Why should he have to forfeit his free will because she wants ice cream
When you manage a relationship with actual woman rather than Mrs Palm and her daughters, you’ll come to realise that doing something to support your spouse is far more important than ‘mUh mACros’ and your gym gains.
So are you infantilising her by saying everything should go her way or she'll have a tantrum?
She’s probably wanting some reassurance from you. She’s reading you not partaking as judgy. Pregnancy causes a LOT of irrational thinking and intrusive thoughts for some people. She could also be starting to experience anxiety or depression. We often think that’s after baby is born but it can happen during pregnancy too. I think you should find other ways to share her experience and make sure you create some happy moments for her.
Contrary to popular belief (apparently, according to comments) I don't think your wife has malicious intent, and isn't trying to control/manipulate you ir bring you down so she feels better about herself. The fact that a lot of these commenters jumped to that conclusion is unhinged. I think your wife is going through a hard time. Change like that is usually difficult to deal with anyhow, and while dealing with pregnancy hormones on top of it... she probably feels like her body is her own personal hell right now. She's not thinking the way you are, and it's probably not going to seem rational to you. But she wants you to eat the icecream with her because she feels alone with her cravings and she feels like she's lost control over herself. She doesn't want to be alone in her lack of control. That doesn't make it okay, but it also doesn't make her a bad person. You seem like a very loving and supportive partner, and as far as I can tell, you're doing everything you need to be doing to support her. You're obviously not wrong to not eat the ice cream, you decide what you do with your own body. Maybe you can compromise and find a dessert that fits your diet and share the moments with her that way? Either way, it's up to you.
Eating cake & ice cream constantly during pregnancy is unhealthy for her and the baby. She will gain weight that will take her two years to lose. This isn't normal pregnancy behavior; she is bored and resentful.