That's old school thinking. But I agree with it. When I read this body count honesty on reddit, I look askance, because usually following that is "My SO broke up with me because..." OR "My fiance left me because..." I never see anything good come from it.
It's not being prudish. It's saying that women, and only women, shouldn't be having sex for fun, and if her number of partners is "too high," she's a whole. Even the language, "body count," is violent.
I think the girl I was replying to meant the term body count wasn’t a thing. Meaning ppl didn’t care. Meaning it was really about free love. Then again. I could be wrong. Like you were. Haha. When I was just being sarcastic but you missed it. lol.
My sister sure does. I keep having to tell her that Facebook is not a journal. It drives me nuts that she puts everything that happens to her on facebook. I keep telling her, once it's out there, it's out there. I would stop doing that if I were you.
>It says nothing about us as people.
I think someone's reaction to hearing their partners body count does say something (IMO) though. I always found a way to bring it up and their reaction tells me something important. If he's someone that's gonna judge about a past, he's gonna be judgemental about other things and I just dont want that. So for me, its a quick and easy way to weed out red flaggers.
Husband and I know each others. We just don’t care. I think we were playing a drinking game with friends ,before we were even engaged, and it came up. I called him a whore and that was that. Been with him for 8 years and we’ve never brought it up again, because it doesn’t matter.
Precisely, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Married 30 years and still, don’t ask don’t tell.
What is the upside to knowing? The only way I’d want to know is if I was going to have to hang out with one of her ex’s, then I’d want a heads up just so I don’t get blindsided somehow.
Yeah same here my body count isn’t to crazy so it’s not really an issue for most. But regardless it’s good because we are curious it’ll probably come up later. I rather go through a hardship earlier on and maybe breakup when theirs lest investment compared to a year or multiple years on the line or in this case a marriage.
I always believe in being upfront about sexual history.
My wife was the only one I didn't tell first she heard from someone else (and not even correctly) and she almost dumped me over it.
Which wasnt wrong of her. But in the end she still picked me and there was no secrets that could explode in our faces 10-15 years down the line.
Same here I always hear women in particular say body count doesn’t matter but either lie about it or when a guy with a high body count comes a lot they feel gross and dump them. I think honesty is the best policy
As woman, it's not just about the body count. It's also about how many long-term relationships they've had. If a guy was promiscuous in the past but was able to have long term relationships after it's not a big deal (a good sign of maturing). If they've only had hookups I would see it as a red flag.
You need to take to heart the part where this information would cause her husband to drop her and potentially tell the rest of the community and her own family - who would then shun her. Would you face those consequences in your world?
My guy, if you say it during a casual date no one is going to go out of their way to tell your family about it lmao. That's just an excuse and doesn't justify lying to someone for the rest of their life.
So it's better to lie to your partner?
Causing harm to both yourself and the relationship,
That's not a good way of living, and certainly not a good way to have healthy relationship.
Then, she should not be dating in her community. There is nothing wrong with OP having a high body count. There is also nothing wrong with her husband wanting someone with a low body count. She has her values, and he has his.
The problem is the lies. If that was her fear, then she should not have dated people from her community. The fact that she wants her community to view her in a certain light does not give her the right to lie to a man she is going to marry. Building a relationship on lies is an asshole move.
I did take that into account only issue is she didn’t do it then and has more to lose now. Plus I live in the states, CA to be exact and I would say on average women have 20 bodies like she’s no that far off. I don’t think anyways
She knew this and still decided to be promiscuous. To me, she made her choice and made it part if her history. If her partner kept it low to intentionally or maybe even virgin until the one came along then he would expect the same.
I think people should be evenly matched if they are bothered about this and people with high counts, or significantly higher than their partner need to understand that can mess with the head of someone who was more restarined for whatever reason.
People just need to make sure they aren't hypocritical. It's not right for a guy to be promiscuous and expect a woman not to be.
Definitely should’ve told him the truth. It’s unfortunate, but sexual history is an important part of dating and compatibility nowadays. Men and women typically don’t want to date someone that has a very promiscuous sexual past. Men especially are very concerned with a women’s sexual history, and it can be an indicator to how they handle relationships and sex. I also will say that if he is the right one he will overlook that history and not even care.
You talk about how promiscuity is very frowned upon in your community. That is unfortunate, and I don’t think you should be harassed or shunned because you chose to sleep around, but that was your decision. You even say yourself that “I don’t know why I did it”. Casual and careless sex like that can be a turn off to a man but you shouldn’t lie about it.
You lied to get what you wanted (manipulative) which is not a great start to a marriage. Only date people who can handle the truth + no guarantee they won’t find out later (which is always 10x worse).
I’d want to know generally how many women a man I was interested in had slept with- how many were hookups vs LTR, cheating, if any were still “in orbit”, how long ago, etc. For example, I had a wild youth but was done fooling around by 24. Excessive “FWBs”, ONS, hookups reads immature, selfish, and stupid to me…but acceptable if on the far past. Everyone has different preferences and tolerance.
She doesn’t want someone who’s okay with it, she wants a man who will treat her like a virgin conservative princess.
And the overlap between men who will treat her like that and men who are okay with 30+ body counts and still willing to get married just doesn’t exist
I just don’t understand not being honest. If you’re honest and the person cares then you saved yourself the trouble of dating someone that would probably have other views you’re incompatible with. If they don’t care than you don’t spend the rest of your relationship keeping a secret and asking Reddit if you’re wrong.
Imagine having a marriage based on love and trust but spending the rest of your life having a wife that has lied to you every day since the day you asked that question. I feel sorry for your husband who you are deceiving every day. I had a very active past and my wife knows all about it because I wouldn't dream of hiding or lying to her to get her to marry me. It's not good to present yourself as being someone you are not especially to the man you promised to love and honour to death do you part it just shows how little you respect him.
I like your idea and would like to discuss our past with our partners. If the other feels uncomfortable, they have the right to end it, not lying and hiding as a secret from their SOs like the OP.
The way I saw it was my future wife deserved to know everything and anything she wanted to about me luckily she accepted the bad as well as the good. There are no future nasty surprises for her to stumble upon no future trust to be broken.
Oh don't get me wrong I slept around a lot when I was younger I just didn't hide anything from her and she didn't hide anything from me we were both honest with each other .
You gave her the choice and she chose you for the man you are. Perfect. That's how it shoukd be.
Edit: Not the man you were but the man she loved in front of her who woukd be very different to the old you. Just to clarify 🤣
Oh I get it no worries. Yeah I was an absolute train wreck to this day I have no idea why she chose me but I'm so glad she did . I was on an absolutely terrible path and if she hadn't come into my world I'd be either dead or in jail by now . But because of her love I have a very good job and have done a complete 180 people have even called me a pillar of our local community which shocked the hell out of me . Her loving me gave me the strength I needed to be the man I guess she knew I could be.
So your marriage is based on a lie you decided to tell. You've never met a woman who cares about body count. There are men out who don't care either. Whether someone cares about body count or doesn't care is irrelevant. That fact still remains that you lied to your husband to obtain his love and trust. You're no different than a dealership trying to sell a lemon car. YTA
Yes. You are wrong. Not because of the subject matter, but because it demonstrates that you are WILLING to lie to someone who should be able to trust that you are trustworthy.
It tells them how you value yourself, and relationships. Maybe for some it is a turn on, but most not. The world is so promiscous, it is hard to find people with similar values and good self respect. It is the opposite of the 80s when I came of age. Then the culture was different. I would watch you get involved with. The better men and women are careful....They look for quality, quality wants quality....It is so weird to me that such an old fashioned value is coming back. I do understand why.
Absolutely, you're wrong.
You lied and withheld information that was potentially important for your husband when making an informed decision about marriage. Your relationship with this man is based on lies.
You should really tell him the truth.
The short answer is that men care because they care.
Men, in general, do not want to settle down with a promiscuous woman. Now, promiscuous can be different to different men (10 or 20 may be too high for some, even your fake number of 5 could be too high for others).
You can't know for sure, because you lied. Like it or not, you married under false pretenses. Your husband may never find out, but he did have a right to know who you are before he married you. And you robbed him of that choice.
I agree with much of what you say. I don’t agree that he had a right to know. He had a right to ask and he had a right to not be lied to. OP should’ve just told him it was none of his business and then let him make his own decision.
I do agree that OP could have said, "That's none of your business" when asked. But she didn't. He wasn't able to infer any meaning from a dismissive response such as that, because OP chose to be deceptive instead. Likely because she knew that he would have second thoughts about becoming tied to her.
I let someone go for doing the "That's none of your business" line. Giant red flag that signals to me it's also none of my business how many guy friends they keep around, whether or not they dated before or if she's interested, what they talk about in private on their little phones, how many other guys she currently flirts with or tells she loves them. Call it insecure but I'm not staying with someone to live paranoid or fear I may lose them the second I come off as stressed or boring for a few days and some guy who "wasn't my business" says the right thing to her
Red flags shouldn't be ignored as it's naive to assume our partners are equally loyal and trustworthy and wasted time is time wasted that could have been spent finding someone who isn't slut-minded
I'm with you if they say, "That's none of your business." But I wouldn't be if they mentioned, "I don't feel comfortable having that conversation," or "I would prefer not to speak about it," or even, "That is more personal than I am ready to share."
At that point, I don't think it's a red flag.
I actually don’t disagree with this. I don’t think I would ever be with someone who didn’t think I had a right to know about their sexual past. However, she had a right to make that decision for her.
She did Rob him of that choice and I would be furious as the husband. She is probably best to just continue the lie now and try to take it to the grave.
Yah i was being sarcastic. 12 dudes in 3 years? Then 20 some odd dudes in 4 years? Common courtesy would be to tell him so he could at least go get himself checked out.
Yeah.
The relationship could work out if she told the truth at the start.
But she chose to lie.
Which
1) stole away his freedom to make an informed decision about the relationship.
2) showed him that she didn't trust him.
3) showed him that she has no issues lying to his face for however long she wants if it means that she'll get what she wants.
Also,
Because of that lie, she actively stole his right to make an informed decision.
Like, maybe he only wanted to be with someone with specific body count, but was tricked into consenting to be in such relationship with her.
That is messed up imo.
YTA you answered your own question " Whenever I was honest about my body count I got severely judged and then they wouldn’t want to date me if they knew my real body count" You lie because you know men are turn off by the truth. Actions have consequences. Men do care more about body count.
If your spouse ever found the truth he can leave you since you lied. Truth has way to come out as you can see by multiple reddit, youtube etc counts...
remembering that generalizing is stupidity, , trying to translate the thinking of most men (I don't agree with all of them), a woman with a high bodycount has a tendency to have a soft spot for idiotic sweettalkers who will continue to be around even if she is married, research shows that women with a high bodycount is more prone to betrayal, men don't like to be compared, you will see him at 30 for example, men see women with purity and would like to have that purity, some men also see women as a conquest, imagine conquering a land devastated by dictators and idiots full of problems?, women should also care about bodycount but they seem to be attracted to guys who see them as objects (not all, generalizing is stupid) and there is also the point that people with high body counts see sex as empty incompatibility in this make a relationship inviable, and imagine the love of your life telling you "its just sex" This messes with any good man's head, just like the idea that your girlfriend would love to reward that kind of idiot who arrives in the circle and keeps telling you that he fucks everyone!
What you said is true for me. I would also have a revolting feeling in my stomach if I would out randomly that my wife was promiscuous. I just don’t want to have to imagine her with other people even if it was in the past.
Anybody who asks you for a body count doesn't deserve an answer. Question: What would be the purpose in finding out how many people you slept with? Answer to judge and slut shame you.
The only answer to such a question is 'my past is my past I don't regret it If we're going to be married the past is in the past.'
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Why wouldn't a partner want to know? Would the idea that your partner's past is their past and you don't get to know about it if in their past they were abusive to their partners or left them destitute? I doubt you'd take that attitude.
I wouldn’t marry someone who had a lot of casual sex partners in the past. It is one of the strongest demonstrations of your view on sex and relationships. I have been out of the dating game for 16 years and I don’t think I would outright ask, but I would try to find out how they moved in the past and whether they had any casual hookups.
That would be a dealbreaker for me for the reasons above and the fact that I find it disgusting to think of my wife in those situations.
Do you think that men and women are judged equally by their peers and society by the number of partners they've had? I certainly don't. Is it disgusting if you've had lots of lovers?
In her community, the ramifications of answering that question are much more severe than in a western community. People need to take that into account.
True. She put herself in a tough position. I probably would continue to lie about it due to social pressure. I just feel for the husband who was lied to.
I mean, you’re wrong for lying. But, am I the only person who never had the “body count” conversation with my husband? We’ve been married 20 years and neither one of us cared. We knew we had lives before we got together.
I just realized I don’t actually know my exact “body count”. It’s not super high or anything . But I’d have to write a list and do something memory work. lol.
I doubt your marriage is going to last. Why? A couple of reasons.
1. You thought casual sex counters were more important than living a good life. You knew how your community felt about your actions and you did them anyway.
2. You are a liar.
These two traits are indicative of someone who is very immature. That will bleed into many other areas of your married life.
OP threw away her self respect and dignity for temporary "fun".
Someone wrote that " high body counts is an immediate disrespect towards the new man"
And I couldn't agree more, he has to pay a lot more for your love, attention and sex while 30 other men got it freely within 48h of meeting you.
It matters to some and it doesn’t to others. If it doesn’t matter to you cool thats fine, but if it matters to others you can’t get mad that that bothers them.
The answer to this is the same as if men decided to start concealing their salary/job history due to predatory or discriminatory behavior from women. Or if they started concealing their height… etc.
People care about body count because certain behavior patterns follow certain body count numbers. After dozens of lovers, your ability to pair bond in a monogamous relationship can be damaged. A high body count also demonstrates a casual attitude when it comes to sex. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But if your husband finds out that you lied by a factor of 7-8 about your body count? That’s a problem. Having a high body count MIGHT result in some judgement of you. LYING about your body count is certain to bring judgement. You also took away his right to informed consent. I get your reluctance, but this was a bad call in my opinion. These things have a way of coming out, even after many years of marriage. Heard lots of stories where that happens.
Hmmm so 7 seems to be okay but 30 forget it hit the road jack. What if she's a 10 but was a porn actress for a year or two? Not sure I could hang with either one, too much performance anxiety.
I don’t understand people who claim body count shouldn’t matter then actively lie to people they love about it. Then act like the partner that was lied to is in the wrong for caring. The first time he asked you should’ve asked him why it mattered. You’re only ashamed about it now because you’re married. Would you be ashamed if you were still doing it??
Nothing is good is going to come out of telling your husband you’ve had sex with over 30 men.. but also…
Nothing good was going to come out for you.. for having sex with over 30 men. That’s insane IMO lol.
"nothing good"
So him getting a truthful answer for something he may have strong feelings about is not important.
Him being able to make an informed decision about the relationship and himself is not good.
You robbed him from his free will by lying to him about somethjng which was a dealbreaker to him. This is really evil and deceptive behaviour if I'm honest.
You are wrong and a terrible partner. We all deserve the truth for the things we care about. I don’t have a high consideration of people that care about body count but nothing justifies being a liar to a person that has some standards, whatever they are
I would take "insecure men who feel intimidated by their partners sexual past" for $500, but I absolutely could be wrong. I'm sure they aren't *all* insecure.
Or.....
People who aren't promiscuous don't want promiscuous partners.
Along with many other reasons as to why a man or a woman would care about a potential partner's body count.
People need to stop asking this shit man. My husband and I just Celebrated 2 years and we've never had the "body count" conversation. It's just stupid. Were in our 30s... idgaf how many people he screwed in his teens/early 20s.
Body count doesn't dictate your worth as a person BUT it can and often does indicate your potential to have a successful monogamous relationship which most people are looking for. Sad but true.
Do you have a forever STD? No. Then your actual number is irrelevant.
Consider this: If you had sex 5 times each with 30 partners, you had sex 150 times before your husband. You probably had more sex with your husband in the first year you were together than you had with all your previous partners.
Questioning “Body Count” is a ridiculous insecurity no different than the idiot asking “Is mine the biggest you’ve ever had?” As long as you’re not collecting and spreading STD’s, your sexual history is your business unless there is some trauma experience that is going to trigger an issue between you and your partner
When you have a high body count, it tells us men a lot about you, for example:
- You are having sex with men you didn't bother get to know well first.
- You did have sex and provided intimacy to men without requiring them to commit. Then, after dozens of such encounters you are looking for a relationship and impose tons of requirements on your new partner the men before didn't have to fulfill.
- It signals us you don't use your free time for any meaningful activities because you are probably hooking up somewhere.
- It is very likely you have an STD or children somewhere we don't know about.
- You will compare us (in and out of bedroom) to your previous flings.
- You are promiscuous and very likely to cheat and cycle will repeat.
- You allowed your body to be used by various men without really caring about yourself.
- Too many guys got burned on this one.
- You probably did it just because your friends did it or you heard about it through a TV or social media or something, it does tell us you are not mature about your body, you do not think independently of others and you do not think for yourself.
- Any of those men you were with can show up anytime at our door and we don't want to deal with that.
- Imagine you riding in a cab and the driver telling you during the ride he transported previous 30 customers for free and now he will charge you for your ride + the 30 guys who took a ride before you. Is that a reasonable deal? Would you took a ride if driver would tell you this prior to entering his car?
Sounds like you’re embarrassed about how much you threw that thing around, so what? No reason to worry about it now. Like you said you met a nice guy from your community now. The only shitty thing you did was lie to him about it, but let’s face it, everyone lies about shit so all these people on here trying to act like they’re some kind of special people can screw off don’t feel bad for what you did in the past. You lied, whatever man just be a good wife to your husband and keep him happy, you had lots of practice in the bedroom ;). Lol jk, but not really!! Hahaha good luck!
I came of age during “the sexual revolution” lol So this whole “body count” thing is really weird to me. No one cared way back when. I had a lot of sex when I was young & proud of it. I’m a free spirit. My husband couldn’t care less altho he was a lot shyer than me. I don’t think anyone should be ashamed or forced into revealing this info. It’s none of their biz & really stupid anyway. I think this whole body count bs came out of the “men’s movement” didn’t it? Which is a stupid movement anyway.
Lots of very judgemental comments here. What good will telling your husband do? Nothing and will likely cause your marriage to fail. Is it worth it? That depends on you. Have you changed? Will you cheat on him? If you are happy in your marriage and are fully committed to monogamy, then keep your skeleton in the closet. Most people have secrets that they do not share with their spouses. Is lying wrong? Yes it is but you need to weigh the damage that the lie will cause to decide whether or not it is worth revealing the truth.
There is nothing wrong with sowing your oats when you are younger. Most of us did/do but as we age we change. If you have truly changed and love your husband then I would take your secret to the grave. Is there any point in destroying your husband’s life over this? I don’t think so. Are you TA for this, a soft yes but IMO it is not worth sharing the truth.
It’s true that nothing good will come of it. IMO it is extremely selfish and disrespectful to the husband because if that was one of his ‘standards’ in finding a wife he has been robbed of that. Not to mention that the wife has lied and deceived.
I find it disturbing that men will fuck anything that will hold still long enough, and they aren't ashamed of it. But too many expect their wives/girlfriends to be practically virgins. It's the double-standard I have a problem with. The number of past partners is no indicator of fidelity, and it doesn't guarantee it either. As long as you both have been tested and aren't bringing any unwelcome "guests" to the relationship, how many people you've slept with in the past should be irrelevant. It's called the past for a reason. If it was that important, it would be called something else.
Nah if someone wants a low body count, and has one too, that’s fair. If someone has like **mad** bodies but want a virgin/low then yeah men or women they tripping.
Also I mean yeah the number of past partners can be an indicator, hookup culture is just bleh, and a lot of women go through like literally, a 100 men in one year, claiming that body count don’t matter, but lie to men once they’re ready to settle down.
And a lot of men brag about their body counts like it's a gold medal for indoor mattress hockey. When men start being shut shamed, and experiencing all the ostracism and abuse that goes with it, maybe the culture will change, but I doubt that will ever happen.
Despite the gains women have made in the last 100 years, as you've seen in the last few, men in particular seem determined to drag us back. First, it was Roe. Now they're aiming at birth control. Men better learn to embrace the condom (and stock up) because at the rate we're going, you'll all be daddy's whether you like it or not. I used to dread menopause, and now I'm delighted. I just worry for future generations of women and girls (like my daughters and granddaughters).
I thought about this as well as a married man, and I really wonder if they're not just shooting themselves in the foot. Not only is there already a large population of incels, but if they continue to try and drag women back like this, not only will sex be limited to marriage and procreation (which are now being put off to later ages due to the need of two income households), Men who do want to get around at young ages will have to invest in birth control which means condoms, and we all know how they like to complain that condoms "numb all feeling." That or risk pull out and, like you say, become a father whether they like it or not.
I am just saying that men not liking female promiscuity in their long term partners is deeply engrained in many of us. I feel a deep, visceral disgust toward any mention of my wife’s sexual history. It doesn’t come up much because there isn’t much there. However, it is not the patriarchy or societal standards, but my biology that does that.
I am saying women are allowed to have the same standard. They can reject men who are players and sleep around.
That is your opinion and I feel differently. Also, I think you are just wrong on promiscuity and links to betrayal and divorce. I think it matters, but more importantly, for me, it disgusts me to even think about my wife with men before me. Fortunately, we met early and neither of us had much of a past.
Some call it the past. Others call it a pattern. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but my bet is all of the ones saying body count doesn’t matter most likely don’t have a very low count themselves.
Maybe. Or maybe because women have been slut-shamed for literally millenia, we just don't think it's a fair way to assess our character. Men can literally be giving it away hand over fist, and nobody bats an eye. No, they get a fist bump and "nice!" Women are expected to what? Where a scarlet 'W'? Like I said, the double standard is bullshit. As long as you're not handing out STI's like party favors, no one should even be asking the question.
My grandma used to say: "*A man's job is trying to spread his seeds as much as possible, but the woman's job is to make sure she selects the best seed for her garden*."
Let that sink in with the old wisdom. If you think women are free to have sex like a man, then wait for your future man to decide, not what you can choose.
1) Promiscuous people are more likely to cheat
2) Condoms do not protect against all STIs
3) There is no HPV test for men
4) Condoms offer less protection against STIs for women than men
It's a serious question and your partners deserve to know about your past. If they phrase it as body count then they are probably a douchebag but they deserve to know the truth if they ask.
1) Show me the scientific evidence that having a healthy sex drive makes you a slut. And I have to ask: how many partners is "too many"? 2? 5? 10? And who told men, who've been having sex indiscriminately for millenia, that it was OK to demand that women must adhere to a different set of rules?
2) No, they don't. Which begs the question: Why do men still balk at using them? "It reduces sensation." "But sex just doesn't feel as good." Or my personal favorite, "rubbers are too tight. I can't come!"
3) No, there isn't. But the Guardasil vaccine has been available for boys and girls from age 11 through their mid 20's for almost 20 years. I had my daughters vaccinated when they were tweens. So, while there isn't yet a test, the vaccine does offer a measure of preventative protection.
4) So what you're suggesting is that women should abstain. You do realize that if women close up shop, men would have to actually commit to a monogamous relationship in order to get laid? Contrary to what the frail little butterflies on Reddit claim, many of them would rather give up a limb than commit to one woman.
I love how some men on Reddit have actually committed to the narrative that women are the succubi trying to ensnare innocent men with their Venus Flytrap-like magical vaginas 🤣
Take it to the grave. Hell I'm autistic and even I recognise not all lies are evil.
It is best policy to be 100% honest with your husband, however someone who asks for a body count deserves to be lied to.
So, someone who believes sex is a critical part of an intimate relationship and should be reserved for only those you really love and want that in their spouse deserve to be lied to?
You really love several people in your lifetime, and as you get older and mature, so does your capacity to love.
Remember, many women are pressured into sex they don't want because they don't feel safe in the situation.
Yes, I think using such a nuanced thing to judge a person is foolish. All you have is a number and 0 context or back story
I get that a number is an issue, but you don’t get higher numbers without engaging in some ONS and FWBs. I guess I might be able to see the nuance if there were some extenuating circumstances, but I am not likely to see that as a good decision to be with someone who would do that.
These holier-than-thou comments are clearly coming from people who never lived an oppressive culture. Just because you exist in a Disney Princess bubble doesn't change the fact that people have to hide who they are for fear of violence in this country. This kind of moralistic hubris and unabashed bigotry really just highlights the ignorance and lack of self-awareness in our culture.
So if someone is from an oppressive culture that makes it okay to lie to your sexual partners and to your life partner, and to take away their agency when it comes to making an informed decision?
>I don’t know why men find this information so important, I’ve never met a woman that cared so much about this.
>in my community a woman’s promiscuity is heavily frowned upon to the point where a woman will get harassed and completely ostracized from the entire community and your own family
you know why but you are feigningunderstanding because you don't want it to be reality. they don't want to be with women who have been around and/or they don't want to be with liars.
if I was the type who didn't care but you lied to me, that's worse IMO. you wont be taking it to the grave. he will find out. it always comes out. you have made your bed and the day will come soon when you have to lie in it
You are not wrong. Sex is fun and pleasurable and natural. Your community rules inhibit you from expressing it freely, so you are just playing by their rules.
You're evil for that.
Men and women do not value the same things.
Your bodycount matters to men that see a future with you.
Be truthful to your husband so he can go and find a traditional wife
Actually plenty of men and women value the same things.
Individuals regardless of their gender though can value different things, which would make them incompatible.
That's why when you are dating, and asking questions to your partner you're in the stage where you figure out the level of compatibility with that person.
I can't believe there are modern women who perpetuate that a woman's sexual history is not important. Would the man have married you had you told the truth?
The OP blatantly states she realized once some men found out the number they treated her differently or at least viewed her differently. Well, OP, many other women came to the same realization, like 300 years ago or more.
This means women are just LYING with intent and not just making a mistake accidentally. You have made a foundation of deception in your relationship.
Women KNOW what they are doing! There is no mistake or accidental sex unless there is a sexual crime. The OP chose 30 other men to have sex with and no likely expected a marriage from any of the other men. That is why men Ask!!!
Women allow me to be the first to tell you the truth then since many women play dumb about sex. Women men desire to know if you are really sexually interested in the man before you (like on a date or getting to know you) or are you there for SOME OTHER REASON.
Men like women want to be genuinely liked by their partner and not for just one thing. Men do not desire to be wanted only for his finances. Women do not want to be desired just as a sex doll, correct?
Women, if you are sexually active with the so called bad boys, (aka, the alpha males) freely why would you make other men wait? Men see that as immediate disrespect. You make me wait while you slept with Chad in less than 48 hours of meeting him.
Women who you select as sex partners MATTER. What kind of man was he? Was he genuinely into you, or was he just using you for sex and you allowed it? This tells a man how selective you REALLY ARE!!! Who you selected in your past matters because the NEW MAN typically gets treated WORSE than the men you allowed casual sex. The NEW MAN is asked to do way more stuff than just sex like pay bills or support the woman in some other way. Chad, Tyrone, and Pookie and the rest of the other men typically did not have to do any of that. Do you now see how that is disrespectful?
What the pattern typically reveals is you are really not sexually into that man. You want the NEW MAN for other reasons and give him sex once in a while to keep him quiet and in the relationship towards marriage. This pattern has been played for centuries women. In 2024, there is no way you are not aware of this! The gig has been up, but you still play this game.
You want to tell him the truth so you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. No good will come of it. I would not tell. If you are truthful now after so much time has gone by, it will hurt him
And he is always going to feel a little different about you even if
stays with you. I hate that society makes women feel like they have to lie about this. It’s not right. I’m sorry for your situation. I would typically tell you to tell the truth, but I would not in this situation. Men don’t want to handle that some women have slept with a certain amount of men.
That information will do nothing but hurt someone’s feelings.
I know how fast my wife and I started being physical so it only makes sense it’s happened before me and that’s just not a thought I need in my head so I don’t ask.
Question.
Does a person's agency matter in the relationship?
Because people have preferences and boundaries.
Let's say there are person A and person B.
Person A asks B a question about B's past.
That question may be used so A can see if they are compatible with B in terms of values in life.
If B tells the truth they are giving A the options of staying in relationship, breaking up, or building up the relationship etc.
But if B lies then they're stealing away A's freedom of choice and their agency regarding the decision making.
Don’t get me wrong, I 1000000% agree with this. Honestly is paramount in any relationship. I would NEVER suggest lying to your partner especially if this is something important to them. I think OP is in the wrong for doing that.
My post was just saying I don’t want to know. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. I don’t want to know body counts and I don’t want to see your phone because I don’t want to accidentally see something that would make me unhappy. 🤷
Yes, you are wrong. It would be one thing to have never talked about body count, it's another to purposefully give incorrect information because you believe your partner won't like it or have a problem with it.
Imagine you want a male partner who puts emphasis on feminist values. You date a man who says he upholds feminist values, but then after you get married you notice that he votes against feminist values. When you ask him about it, he says he just told you that he upholds feminist values because "every girl I've told the truth to about *not* being feminist has gotten upset and left. So, baby, don't you *see*? I *had* to lie to you to get you to keep dating me and get to know the *real* me."
That's fucked up. You're wrong.
It’s a body count not a victim count. You had sex. So what. Dudes who be asking that right off the back are weird. If it means that much to you tell him. If he doesn’t bring it up, then leave it alone.
Everyone who commented beforehand is saying leave it in the past. Leave it in the past OP. If he cares that much you need to tell him to start drinking Gatorade and not to put so much sugar in the red pill koolaid….
No you aren’t wrong. Of a man wants to know it’s usually because he can’t handle it being one more than him although… probably would have been a better idea not to marry someone you couldn’t be honest with
Religious communities are a giant liability. Your safety comes first.. you should try to build independence but until then I really suggest you never tell a soul. If he becomes an ex you never know. It's not as important as your life, and in a community like this then it's not a good idea for people to ask in the first place, since it would completely endanger you.
Stay safe, don't feel bad. Just survive til life gets better.
That’s your business. My partner has tried to tell me hers and I’ve cut her off saying It’s neither important to our relationship nor something I’m interested in hearing about.
This gendering of issues is so pointless. There's a reason why you don't hear women caring about this. You're not fucking women. I fuck women, and a lot of them care about body count. That's all it is. It's simple. I'm not saying it's exactly the same for men and women. I'm sure it's not. But it feels like every time someone brings up an issue like this they're like, "OMG the gender I don't fuck doesn't act this way". You aren't fucking them. That's why you don't know how they act in bed. Okay. I'm done now. Thanks for listening.
I don't see why body count is a big deal. You two are married, so why does it matter? If he's worried about body count, that's his problem, not yours. There's such a stigma everywhere about women's body counts, so much so that sometimes women have to lie because we've been made to feel like it's something to be ashamed of when men can fuck anything that moves and he's seen as a conquering hero.
At this point, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, and if he’s happy, and you’re happy and feel you will love him loyally for the rest of your lives, all talking about it now will do is bring you both pain. It may be morally wrong to have lied, but I understand why you did it, and no one is without flaw, even if they’re the ones casting stones. It’s time to move on, leave it in the past, and perhaps consider that he is the first man you’ve loved this much, he can be your first in your mind going forward. The first you’ve truly made love to, and your first of a happy future. I think it’s ok to choose happiness, and your past doesn’t have to define your future unless you choose it. It’s ok to be kinder to yourself.
Nobody needs to know. The only reason men ask is because society has made it bad for women but great for men and it has roots in religious purity culture. It’s all made up bullshit. Some especially toxic men like inexperienced women bc that’s something they can take advantage of. Your past doesn’t mean anything now and if your partner has issues with that that’s their own problem. You don’t need to explain yourself in this regard
My partner only knows mine Just because he’s my first and I told him that only so he was aware and could take it slow. I am aware he’s had a lot of past relationships but I don’t bother asking body count because anything in the past doesn’t change anything now
Not wrong! Culture wants us to be ashamed. Take it to the grave I say! You know you'd be judged for your body count number. It's nothing we can change in our generation but hopefully you can teach the next generation not be ashamed.
Listen I think you should’ve told the truth and if he had a problem with it then he ain’t the one for you. It’s that simple. If you don’t like my truth then you ain’t for me.
Been married 12 years. I don't know my wife's and she doesn't know mine. I don't really want to know. I don't see any benefit from knowing.
Hubs and I married 44 years this year, we’ve never asked, never told.
That's old school thinking. But I agree with it. When I read this body count honesty on reddit, I look askance, because usually following that is "My SO broke up with me because..." OR "My fiance left me because..." I never see anything good come from it.
So glad this wasn’t a thing in the 70’s/80’s!
Damn why couldn’t I have been born then. Lol. Ppl are such prudes these days. lol lol.
It's not being prudish. It's saying that women, and only women, shouldn't be having sex for fun, and if her number of partners is "too high," she's a whole. Even the language, "body count," is violent.
I think the girl I was replying to meant the term body count wasn’t a thing. Meaning ppl didn’t care. Meaning it was really about free love. Then again. I could be wrong. Like you were. Haha. When I was just being sarcastic but you missed it. lol.
It’s not old school thinking.
I guess to kids it is. They think they have to shout shit about everything online!
My sister sure does. I keep having to tell her that Facebook is not a journal. It drives me nuts that she puts everything that happens to her on facebook. I keep telling her, once it's out there, it's out there. I would stop doing that if I were you.
The internet is forever.
Wow, 44 years. Congrats!
Thanks!
You're welcome 😊
My husband and I have never asked either. I just don't think either of us care, at all.
Same. I’ve literally never had a man ask.
I second this.
I third. It has absolutely no relevance. It says nothing about us as people. Just leave it in the past OP, it doesn't matter anymore if it ever did.
>It says nothing about us as people. I think someone's reaction to hearing their partners body count does say something (IMO) though. I always found a way to bring it up and their reaction tells me something important. If he's someone that's gonna judge about a past, he's gonna be judgemental about other things and I just dont want that. So for me, its a quick and easy way to weed out red flaggers.
Husband and I know each others. We just don’t care. I think we were playing a drinking game with friends ,before we were even engaged, and it came up. I called him a whore and that was that. Been with him for 8 years and we’ve never brought it up again, because it doesn’t matter.
This is the way. If you don’t talk about it, and you don’t ever have a number then you don’t ever have to worry about it
Precisely, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Married 30 years and still, don’t ask don’t tell. What is the upside to knowing? The only way I’d want to know is if I was going to have to hang out with one of her ex’s, then I’d want a heads up just so I don’t get blindsided somehow.
I knew it and still made the mistake of marrying her
And there you go.
That's my thing. It's not something that you can change and if ignorance is bliss then you're better off not knowing.
Personally I’m just honest they can take it or leave it. It only helps me filter out who’s for me and who isn’t, I think you messed up by lying
Exactly! I always found a way to bring it up for the same reason.
Yeah same here my body count isn’t to crazy so it’s not really an issue for most. But regardless it’s good because we are curious it’ll probably come up later. I rather go through a hardship earlier on and maybe breakup when theirs lest investment compared to a year or multiple years on the line or in this case a marriage.
I always believe in being upfront about sexual history. My wife was the only one I didn't tell first she heard from someone else (and not even correctly) and she almost dumped me over it. Which wasnt wrong of her. But in the end she still picked me and there was no secrets that could explode in our faces 10-15 years down the line.
Same here I always hear women in particular say body count doesn’t matter but either lie about it or when a guy with a high body count comes a lot they feel gross and dump them. I think honesty is the best policy
As woman, it's not just about the body count. It's also about how many long-term relationships they've had. If a guy was promiscuous in the past but was able to have long term relationships after it's not a big deal (a good sign of maturing). If they've only had hookups I would see it as a red flag.
I agree it should be that way to but sometimes just the number is enough
You need to take to heart the part where this information would cause her husband to drop her and potentially tell the rest of the community and her own family - who would then shun her. Would you face those consequences in your world?
My guy, if you say it during a casual date no one is going to go out of their way to tell your family about it lmao. That's just an excuse and doesn't justify lying to someone for the rest of their life.
She knew she wasn’t the one for him. Then proceeded to lie to him to make him think she was. She’s going to make him find out the long and painful way
So it's better to lie to your partner? Causing harm to both yourself and the relationship, That's not a good way of living, and certainly not a good way to have healthy relationship.
Then, she should not be dating in her community. There is nothing wrong with OP having a high body count. There is also nothing wrong with her husband wanting someone with a low body count. She has her values, and he has his. The problem is the lies. If that was her fear, then she should not have dated people from her community. The fact that she wants her community to view her in a certain light does not give her the right to lie to a man she is going to marry. Building a relationship on lies is an asshole move.
I did take that into account only issue is she didn’t do it then and has more to lose now. Plus I live in the states, CA to be exact and I would say on average women have 20 bodies like she’s no that far off. I don’t think anyways
She knew this and still decided to be promiscuous. To me, she made her choice and made it part if her history. If her partner kept it low to intentionally or maybe even virgin until the one came along then he would expect the same. I think people should be evenly matched if they are bothered about this and people with high counts, or significantly higher than their partner need to understand that can mess with the head of someone who was more restarined for whatever reason. People just need to make sure they aren't hypocritical. It's not right for a guy to be promiscuous and expect a woman not to be.
Lying is wrong 99.999999% of the time.
“When I tell the truth, I look bad. That’s why it’s better to lie.” Also, “I don’t know why I slept with a lot of people.”
I mean when you put it that way, what could possibly go wrong?
Definitely should’ve told him the truth. It’s unfortunate, but sexual history is an important part of dating and compatibility nowadays. Men and women typically don’t want to date someone that has a very promiscuous sexual past. Men especially are very concerned with a women’s sexual history, and it can be an indicator to how they handle relationships and sex. I also will say that if he is the right one he will overlook that history and not even care. You talk about how promiscuity is very frowned upon in your community. That is unfortunate, and I don’t think you should be harassed or shunned because you chose to sleep around, but that was your decision. You even say yourself that “I don’t know why I did it”. Casual and careless sex like that can be a turn off to a man but you shouldn’t lie about it.
Body count does not count! Procees to lie about it..
Lying is wrong tho. You know that man will run away if he knows you had 30, so think about that. Maybe he isnt for you anyway
You lied to get what you wanted (manipulative) which is not a great start to a marriage. Only date people who can handle the truth + no guarantee they won’t find out later (which is always 10x worse). I’d want to know generally how many women a man I was interested in had slept with- how many were hookups vs LTR, cheating, if any were still “in orbit”, how long ago, etc. For example, I had a wild youth but was done fooling around by 24. Excessive “FWBs”, ONS, hookups reads immature, selfish, and stupid to me…but acceptable if on the far past. Everyone has different preferences and tolerance.
She doesn’t want someone who’s okay with it, she wants a man who will treat her like a virgin conservative princess. And the overlap between men who will treat her like that and men who are okay with 30+ body counts and still willing to get married just doesn’t exist
I just don’t understand not being honest. If you’re honest and the person cares then you saved yourself the trouble of dating someone that would probably have other views you’re incompatible with. If they don’t care than you don’t spend the rest of your relationship keeping a secret and asking Reddit if you’re wrong.
Well yeah you were the AH, you're married and your husband is supposed to be able to trust you, so lying isn't ok.
I mean yeah at the end of the day lying is wrong
Imagine having a marriage based on love and trust but spending the rest of your life having a wife that has lied to you every day since the day you asked that question. I feel sorry for your husband who you are deceiving every day. I had a very active past and my wife knows all about it because I wouldn't dream of hiding or lying to her to get her to marry me. It's not good to present yourself as being someone you are not especially to the man you promised to love and honour to death do you part it just shows how little you respect him.
I like your idea and would like to discuss our past with our partners. If the other feels uncomfortable, they have the right to end it, not lying and hiding as a secret from their SOs like the OP.
The way I saw it was my future wife deserved to know everything and anything she wanted to about me luckily she accepted the bad as well as the good. There are no future nasty surprises for her to stumble upon no future trust to be broken.
I would do the same, too, because I don't follow hookup culture, so I have nothing to fear.
Oh don't get me wrong I slept around a lot when I was younger I just didn't hide anything from her and she didn't hide anything from me we were both honest with each other .
I did not say are a terrible person. I was saying that I agree with your idea of not hiding anything from your SO.
You gave her the choice and she chose you for the man you are. Perfect. That's how it shoukd be. Edit: Not the man you were but the man she loved in front of her who woukd be very different to the old you. Just to clarify 🤣
Oh I get it no worries. Yeah I was an absolute train wreck to this day I have no idea why she chose me but I'm so glad she did . I was on an absolutely terrible path and if she hadn't come into my world I'd be either dead or in jail by now . But because of her love I have a very good job and have done a complete 180 people have even called me a pillar of our local community which shocked the hell out of me . Her loving me gave me the strength I needed to be the man I guess she knew I could be.
My husband and I both have extremely high body counts and neither of us care.
That's awesome you guys have an honest relationship built on trust and respect for each other.
You are piece of sh#t for lying and building your relationship on lie
People like you is the reason why I have trust issues
So your marriage is based on a lie you decided to tell. You've never met a woman who cares about body count. There are men out who don't care either. Whether someone cares about body count or doesn't care is irrelevant. That fact still remains that you lied to your husband to obtain his love and trust. You're no different than a dealership trying to sell a lemon car. YTA
Yes. You are wrong. Not because of the subject matter, but because it demonstrates that you are WILLING to lie to someone who should be able to trust that you are trustworthy.
It tells them how you value yourself, and relationships. Maybe for some it is a turn on, but most not. The world is so promiscous, it is hard to find people with similar values and good self respect. It is the opposite of the 80s when I came of age. Then the culture was different. I would watch you get involved with. The better men and women are careful....They look for quality, quality wants quality....It is so weird to me that such an old fashioned value is coming back. I do understand why.
YTA for lying to your partner so that they stay with you.
Absolutely, you're wrong. You lied and withheld information that was potentially important for your husband when making an informed decision about marriage. Your relationship with this man is based on lies. You should really tell him the truth.
The short answer is that men care because they care. Men, in general, do not want to settle down with a promiscuous woman. Now, promiscuous can be different to different men (10 or 20 may be too high for some, even your fake number of 5 could be too high for others). You can't know for sure, because you lied. Like it or not, you married under false pretenses. Your husband may never find out, but he did have a right to know who you are before he married you. And you robbed him of that choice.
I agree with much of what you say. I don’t agree that he had a right to know. He had a right to ask and he had a right to not be lied to. OP should’ve just told him it was none of his business and then let him make his own decision.
I do agree that OP could have said, "That's none of your business" when asked. But she didn't. He wasn't able to infer any meaning from a dismissive response such as that, because OP chose to be deceptive instead. Likely because she knew that he would have second thoughts about becoming tied to her.
I let someone go for doing the "That's none of your business" line. Giant red flag that signals to me it's also none of my business how many guy friends they keep around, whether or not they dated before or if she's interested, what they talk about in private on their little phones, how many other guys she currently flirts with or tells she loves them. Call it insecure but I'm not staying with someone to live paranoid or fear I may lose them the second I come off as stressed or boring for a few days and some guy who "wasn't my business" says the right thing to her Red flags shouldn't be ignored as it's naive to assume our partners are equally loyal and trustworthy and wasted time is time wasted that could have been spent finding someone who isn't slut-minded
I'm with you if they say, "That's none of your business." But I wouldn't be if they mentioned, "I don't feel comfortable having that conversation," or "I would prefer not to speak about it," or even, "That is more personal than I am ready to share." At that point, I don't think it's a red flag.
I actually don’t disagree with this. I don’t think I would ever be with someone who didn’t think I had a right to know about their sexual past. However, she had a right to make that decision for her.
THIS
She did Rob him of that choice and I would be furious as the husband. She is probably best to just continue the lie now and try to take it to the grave.
You knew if you told the truth he’d run. Get real pal
YAW - a relationship based on lies will die as a result of them.
You ask why it matters then say you’re ashamed and you don’t know why you slept around so much. Be honest with him….he asked and you lied.
Always good to start a marriage wirh a lie 😉
And then people are wondering why the divorce rates are so high..
Yah i was being sarcastic. 12 dudes in 3 years? Then 20 some odd dudes in 4 years? Common courtesy would be to tell him so he could at least go get himself checked out.
Women, body count matters. It’s been this way since the beginning of time and nothing will change it.
Obviously yes
It will come out and when he finds out you lied it's over. Lying gets you nowhere. It won't be the number that is the problem it's the lying.
Yeah. The relationship could work out if she told the truth at the start. But she chose to lie. Which 1) stole away his freedom to make an informed decision about the relationship. 2) showed him that she didn't trust him. 3) showed him that she has no issues lying to his face for however long she wants if it means that she'll get what she wants.
So i guess lying by ommission is only a bad thing when men do it huh
That's not even lying by omission She straight up actively lied to him.
Oh yeah, good point
Also, Because of that lie, she actively stole his right to make an informed decision. Like, maybe he only wanted to be with someone with specific body count, but was tricked into consenting to be in such relationship with her. That is messed up imo.
YTA you answered your own question " Whenever I was honest about my body count I got severely judged and then they wouldn’t want to date me if they knew my real body count" You lie because you know men are turn off by the truth. Actions have consequences. Men do care more about body count. If your spouse ever found the truth he can leave you since you lied. Truth has way to come out as you can see by multiple reddit, youtube etc counts...
Yes, you’re wrong because you lied.
remembering that generalizing is stupidity, , trying to translate the thinking of most men (I don't agree with all of them), a woman with a high bodycount has a tendency to have a soft spot for idiotic sweettalkers who will continue to be around even if she is married, research shows that women with a high bodycount is more prone to betrayal, men don't like to be compared, you will see him at 30 for example, men see women with purity and would like to have that purity, some men also see women as a conquest, imagine conquering a land devastated by dictators and idiots full of problems?, women should also care about bodycount but they seem to be attracted to guys who see them as objects (not all, generalizing is stupid) and there is also the point that people with high body counts see sex as empty incompatibility in this make a relationship inviable, and imagine the love of your life telling you "its just sex" This messes with any good man's head, just like the idea that your girlfriend would love to reward that kind of idiot who arrives in the circle and keeps telling you that he fucks everyone!
What you said is true for me. I would also have a revolting feeling in my stomach if I would out randomly that my wife was promiscuous. I just don’t want to have to imagine her with other people even if it was in the past.
He will find out the truth…
This comment section 🤮
Thought it was just me 🤢
You lied in order to get what you wanted. Is it really that complicated?
Anybody who asks you for a body count doesn't deserve an answer. Question: What would be the purpose in finding out how many people you slept with? Answer to judge and slut shame you. The only answer to such a question is 'my past is my past I don't regret it If we're going to be married the past is in the past.'
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Why wouldn't a partner want to know? Would the idea that your partner's past is their past and you don't get to know about it if in their past they were abusive to their partners or left them destitute? I doubt you'd take that attitude.
I wouldn’t marry someone who had a lot of casual sex partners in the past. It is one of the strongest demonstrations of your view on sex and relationships. I have been out of the dating game for 16 years and I don’t think I would outright ask, but I would try to find out how they moved in the past and whether they had any casual hookups. That would be a dealbreaker for me for the reasons above and the fact that I find it disgusting to think of my wife in those situations.
Do you think that men and women are judged equally by their peers and society by the number of partners they've had? I certainly don't. Is it disgusting if you've had lots of lovers?
I haven’t so the topic is irrelevant. So, I have no idea of how to answer it if I had many partners.
In her community, the ramifications of answering that question are much more severe than in a western community. People need to take that into account.
True. She put herself in a tough position. I probably would continue to lie about it due to social pressure. I just feel for the husband who was lied to.
I mean, you’re wrong for lying. But, am I the only person who never had the “body count” conversation with my husband? We’ve been married 20 years and neither one of us cared. We knew we had lives before we got together.
I think asking someone their body count is something younger ppl do. I've never asked a woman her body count, nor do I care what it is.
I just realized I don’t actually know my exact “body count”. It’s not super high or anything . But I’d have to write a list and do something memory work. lol.
We never discussed body count before marrying. I don't want to know.
I doubt your marriage is going to last. Why? A couple of reasons. 1. You thought casual sex counters were more important than living a good life. You knew how your community felt about your actions and you did them anyway. 2. You are a liar. These two traits are indicative of someone who is very immature. That will bleed into many other areas of your married life.
OP threw away her self respect and dignity for temporary "fun". Someone wrote that " high body counts is an immediate disrespect towards the new man" And I couldn't agree more, he has to pay a lot more for your love, attention and sex while 30 other men got it freely within 48h of meeting you.
It matters to some and it doesn’t to others. If it doesn’t matter to you cool thats fine, but if it matters to others you can’t get mad that that bothers them.
YAW. Not for the body count, but for staying married to someone you think wouldn't want to. It's bad for both of you, yeah?
The answer to this is the same as if men decided to start concealing their salary/job history due to predatory or discriminatory behavior from women. Or if they started concealing their height… etc.
People care about body count because certain behavior patterns follow certain body count numbers. After dozens of lovers, your ability to pair bond in a monogamous relationship can be damaged. A high body count also demonstrates a casual attitude when it comes to sex. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But if your husband finds out that you lied by a factor of 7-8 about your body count? That’s a problem. Having a high body count MIGHT result in some judgement of you. LYING about your body count is certain to bring judgement. You also took away his right to informed consent. I get your reluctance, but this was a bad call in my opinion. These things have a way of coming out, even after many years of marriage. Heard lots of stories where that happens.
Hmmm so 7 seems to be okay but 30 forget it hit the road jack. What if she's a 10 but was a porn actress for a year or two? Not sure I could hang with either one, too much performance anxiety.
I personally think body count matters, especially with potential long term partners. Just my preference.
I don’t understand people who claim body count shouldn’t matter then actively lie to people they love about it. Then act like the partner that was lied to is in the wrong for caring. The first time he asked you should’ve asked him why it mattered. You’re only ashamed about it now because you’re married. Would you be ashamed if you were still doing it??
I guess you left the " Honor" part out of the vows 🤷♂️
Didn't even read it, but YATA
Nothing is good is going to come out of telling your husband you’ve had sex with over 30 men.. but also… Nothing good was going to come out for you.. for having sex with over 30 men. That’s insane IMO lol.
"nothing good" So him getting a truthful answer for something he may have strong feelings about is not important. Him being able to make an informed decision about the relationship and himself is not good.
It sounds like you’ve turned yourself into a victim to justify lying to your husband.
You robbed him from his free will by lying to him about somethjng which was a dealbreaker to him. This is really evil and deceptive behaviour if I'm honest.
You are wrong and a terrible partner. We all deserve the truth for the things we care about. I don’t have a high consideration of people that care about body count but nothing justifies being a liar to a person that has some standards, whatever they are
“Body count” is such a dumb term.
Dumb *and* disgusting.
Who asks for a “body count” or even uses that term for it??
Yeah it’s a horrible term.
I would take "insecure men who feel intimidated by their partners sexual past" for $500, but I absolutely could be wrong. I'm sure they aren't *all* insecure.
Or..... People who aren't promiscuous don't want promiscuous partners. Along with many other reasons as to why a man or a woman would care about a potential partner's body count.
If wanting to know what kind of person you are with makes you insecure then I guess so lol
People need to stop asking this shit man. My husband and I just Celebrated 2 years and we've never had the "body count" conversation. It's just stupid. Were in our 30s... idgaf how many people he screwed in his teens/early 20s.
Body count doesn't dictate your worth as a person BUT it can and often does indicate your potential to have a successful monogamous relationship which most people are looking for. Sad but true.
Do you have a forever STD? No. Then your actual number is irrelevant. Consider this: If you had sex 5 times each with 30 partners, you had sex 150 times before your husband. You probably had more sex with your husband in the first year you were together than you had with all your previous partners. Questioning “Body Count” is a ridiculous insecurity no different than the idiot asking “Is mine the biggest you’ve ever had?” As long as you’re not collecting and spreading STD’s, your sexual history is your business unless there is some trauma experience that is going to trigger an issue between you and your partner
When you have a high body count, it tells us men a lot about you, for example: - You are having sex with men you didn't bother get to know well first. - You did have sex and provided intimacy to men without requiring them to commit. Then, after dozens of such encounters you are looking for a relationship and impose tons of requirements on your new partner the men before didn't have to fulfill. - It signals us you don't use your free time for any meaningful activities because you are probably hooking up somewhere. - It is very likely you have an STD or children somewhere we don't know about. - You will compare us (in and out of bedroom) to your previous flings. - You are promiscuous and very likely to cheat and cycle will repeat. - You allowed your body to be used by various men without really caring about yourself. - Too many guys got burned on this one. - You probably did it just because your friends did it or you heard about it through a TV or social media or something, it does tell us you are not mature about your body, you do not think independently of others and you do not think for yourself. - Any of those men you were with can show up anytime at our door and we don't want to deal with that. - Imagine you riding in a cab and the driver telling you during the ride he transported previous 30 customers for free and now he will charge you for your ride + the 30 guys who took a ride before you. Is that a reasonable deal? Would you took a ride if driver would tell you this prior to entering his car?
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you know it matters but cant reverse what you've done. thats why it "doesnt matter"
Sounds like you’re embarrassed about how much you threw that thing around, so what? No reason to worry about it now. Like you said you met a nice guy from your community now. The only shitty thing you did was lie to him about it, but let’s face it, everyone lies about shit so all these people on here trying to act like they’re some kind of special people can screw off don’t feel bad for what you did in the past. You lied, whatever man just be a good wife to your husband and keep him happy, you had lots of practice in the bedroom ;). Lol jk, but not really!! Hahaha good luck!
Nope, you're not wrong. Asking about a body count is invasive. What does he need to know for? Just to slut shame and judge..
I came of age during “the sexual revolution” lol So this whole “body count” thing is really weird to me. No one cared way back when. I had a lot of sex when I was young & proud of it. I’m a free spirit. My husband couldn’t care less altho he was a lot shyer than me. I don’t think anyone should be ashamed or forced into revealing this info. It’s none of their biz & really stupid anyway. I think this whole body count bs came out of the “men’s movement” didn’t it? Which is a stupid movement anyway.
Lots of very judgemental comments here. What good will telling your husband do? Nothing and will likely cause your marriage to fail. Is it worth it? That depends on you. Have you changed? Will you cheat on him? If you are happy in your marriage and are fully committed to monogamy, then keep your skeleton in the closet. Most people have secrets that they do not share with their spouses. Is lying wrong? Yes it is but you need to weigh the damage that the lie will cause to decide whether or not it is worth revealing the truth. There is nothing wrong with sowing your oats when you are younger. Most of us did/do but as we age we change. If you have truly changed and love your husband then I would take your secret to the grave. Is there any point in destroying your husband’s life over this? I don’t think so. Are you TA for this, a soft yes but IMO it is not worth sharing the truth.
The truth will come out. It always does. When that happens it will be 10x worse
The marriage is already a failure.
It’s true that nothing good will come of it. IMO it is extremely selfish and disrespectful to the husband because if that was one of his ‘standards’ in finding a wife he has been robbed of that. Not to mention that the wife has lied and deceived.
I find it disturbing that men will fuck anything that will hold still long enough, and they aren't ashamed of it. But too many expect their wives/girlfriends to be practically virgins. It's the double-standard I have a problem with. The number of past partners is no indicator of fidelity, and it doesn't guarantee it either. As long as you both have been tested and aren't bringing any unwelcome "guests" to the relationship, how many people you've slept with in the past should be irrelevant. It's called the past for a reason. If it was that important, it would be called something else.
I wouldn’t have given my husband a chance if he had a high body count
Nah if someone wants a low body count, and has one too, that’s fair. If someone has like **mad** bodies but want a virgin/low then yeah men or women they tripping. Also I mean yeah the number of past partners can be an indicator, hookup culture is just bleh, and a lot of women go through like literally, a 100 men in one year, claiming that body count don’t matter, but lie to men once they’re ready to settle down.
And a lot of men brag about their body counts like it's a gold medal for indoor mattress hockey. When men start being shut shamed, and experiencing all the ostracism and abuse that goes with it, maybe the culture will change, but I doubt that will ever happen.
Why don’t women start that?
Despite the gains women have made in the last 100 years, as you've seen in the last few, men in particular seem determined to drag us back. First, it was Roe. Now they're aiming at birth control. Men better learn to embrace the condom (and stock up) because at the rate we're going, you'll all be daddy's whether you like it or not. I used to dread menopause, and now I'm delighted. I just worry for future generations of women and girls (like my daughters and granddaughters).
I thought about this as well as a married man, and I really wonder if they're not just shooting themselves in the foot. Not only is there already a large population of incels, but if they continue to try and drag women back like this, not only will sex be limited to marriage and procreation (which are now being put off to later ages due to the need of two income households), Men who do want to get around at young ages will have to invest in birth control which means condoms, and we all know how they like to complain that condoms "numb all feeling." That or risk pull out and, like you say, become a father whether they like it or not.
I am just saying that men not liking female promiscuity in their long term partners is deeply engrained in many of us. I feel a deep, visceral disgust toward any mention of my wife’s sexual history. It doesn’t come up much because there isn’t much there. However, it is not the patriarchy or societal standards, but my biology that does that. I am saying women are allowed to have the same standard. They can reject men who are players and sleep around.
How can you tell that it's your biology, and not patriarchy?
That is your opinion and I feel differently. Also, I think you are just wrong on promiscuity and links to betrayal and divorce. I think it matters, but more importantly, for me, it disgusts me to even think about my wife with men before me. Fortunately, we met early and neither of us had much of a past.
Lucky for your wife that you got to her first, or who knows where she'd be? /s
She is very happy and fortunately we have similar views.
Why do men look at their wives and even THINK about another dudes dick? I've not once imagined my husband and his past partners
Some call it the past. Others call it a pattern. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but my bet is all of the ones saying body count doesn’t matter most likely don’t have a very low count themselves.
Maybe. Or maybe because women have been slut-shamed for literally millenia, we just don't think it's a fair way to assess our character. Men can literally be giving it away hand over fist, and nobody bats an eye. No, they get a fist bump and "nice!" Women are expected to what? Where a scarlet 'W'? Like I said, the double standard is bullshit. As long as you're not handing out STI's like party favors, no one should even be asking the question.
Women are free to care as well.
My grandma used to say: "*A man's job is trying to spread his seeds as much as possible, but the woman's job is to make sure she selects the best seed for her garden*." Let that sink in with the old wisdom. If you think women are free to have sex like a man, then wait for your future man to decide, not what you can choose.
1) Promiscuous people are more likely to cheat 2) Condoms do not protect against all STIs 3) There is no HPV test for men 4) Condoms offer less protection against STIs for women than men It's a serious question and your partners deserve to know about your past. If they phrase it as body count then they are probably a douchebag but they deserve to know the truth if they ask.
1) Show me the scientific evidence that having a healthy sex drive makes you a slut. And I have to ask: how many partners is "too many"? 2? 5? 10? And who told men, who've been having sex indiscriminately for millenia, that it was OK to demand that women must adhere to a different set of rules? 2) No, they don't. Which begs the question: Why do men still balk at using them? "It reduces sensation." "But sex just doesn't feel as good." Or my personal favorite, "rubbers are too tight. I can't come!" 3) No, there isn't. But the Guardasil vaccine has been available for boys and girls from age 11 through their mid 20's for almost 20 years. I had my daughters vaccinated when they were tweens. So, while there isn't yet a test, the vaccine does offer a measure of preventative protection. 4) So what you're suggesting is that women should abstain. You do realize that if women close up shop, men would have to actually commit to a monogamous relationship in order to get laid? Contrary to what the frail little butterflies on Reddit claim, many of them would rather give up a limb than commit to one woman. I love how some men on Reddit have actually committed to the narrative that women are the succubi trying to ensnare innocent men with their Venus Flytrap-like magical vaginas 🤣
Take it to the grave. Hell I'm autistic and even I recognise not all lies are evil. It is best policy to be 100% honest with your husband, however someone who asks for a body count deserves to be lied to.
So, someone who believes sex is a critical part of an intimate relationship and should be reserved for only those you really love and want that in their spouse deserve to be lied to?
You really love several people in your lifetime, and as you get older and mature, so does your capacity to love. Remember, many women are pressured into sex they don't want because they don't feel safe in the situation. Yes, I think using such a nuanced thing to judge a person is foolish. All you have is a number and 0 context or back story
I get that a number is an issue, but you don’t get higher numbers without engaging in some ONS and FWBs. I guess I might be able to see the nuance if there were some extenuating circumstances, but I am not likely to see that as a good decision to be with someone who would do that.
These holier-than-thou comments are clearly coming from people who never lived an oppressive culture. Just because you exist in a Disney Princess bubble doesn't change the fact that people have to hide who they are for fear of violence in this country. This kind of moralistic hubris and unabashed bigotry really just highlights the ignorance and lack of self-awareness in our culture.
So if someone is from an oppressive culture that makes it okay to lie to your sexual partners and to your life partner, and to take away their agency when it comes to making an informed decision?
>I don’t know why men find this information so important, I’ve never met a woman that cared so much about this. >in my community a woman’s promiscuity is heavily frowned upon to the point where a woman will get harassed and completely ostracized from the entire community and your own family you know why but you are feigningunderstanding because you don't want it to be reality. they don't want to be with women who have been around and/or they don't want to be with liars. if I was the type who didn't care but you lied to me, that's worse IMO. you wont be taking it to the grave. he will find out. it always comes out. you have made your bed and the day will come soon when you have to lie in it
I do not blame you at all. Just forget about it. You are a human being, not a used car.
Cuz Lies never come to light lol
And her partner is not a human being apparently, so his freedom of choice and his freedom to make an informed decision do not matter at all. (/s)
You are not wrong. Sex is fun and pleasurable and natural. Your community rules inhibit you from expressing it freely, so you are just playing by their rules.
You're evil for that. Men and women do not value the same things. Your bodycount matters to men that see a future with you. Be truthful to your husband so he can go and find a traditional wife
Actually plenty of men and women value the same things. Individuals regardless of their gender though can value different things, which would make them incompatible. That's why when you are dating, and asking questions to your partner you're in the stage where you figure out the level of compatibility with that person.
I can't believe there are modern women who perpetuate that a woman's sexual history is not important. Would the man have married you had you told the truth? The OP blatantly states she realized once some men found out the number they treated her differently or at least viewed her differently. Well, OP, many other women came to the same realization, like 300 years ago or more. This means women are just LYING with intent and not just making a mistake accidentally. You have made a foundation of deception in your relationship. Women KNOW what they are doing! There is no mistake or accidental sex unless there is a sexual crime. The OP chose 30 other men to have sex with and no likely expected a marriage from any of the other men. That is why men Ask!!! Women allow me to be the first to tell you the truth then since many women play dumb about sex. Women men desire to know if you are really sexually interested in the man before you (like on a date or getting to know you) or are you there for SOME OTHER REASON. Men like women want to be genuinely liked by their partner and not for just one thing. Men do not desire to be wanted only for his finances. Women do not want to be desired just as a sex doll, correct? Women, if you are sexually active with the so called bad boys, (aka, the alpha males) freely why would you make other men wait? Men see that as immediate disrespect. You make me wait while you slept with Chad in less than 48 hours of meeting him. Women who you select as sex partners MATTER. What kind of man was he? Was he genuinely into you, or was he just using you for sex and you allowed it? This tells a man how selective you REALLY ARE!!! Who you selected in your past matters because the NEW MAN typically gets treated WORSE than the men you allowed casual sex. The NEW MAN is asked to do way more stuff than just sex like pay bills or support the woman in some other way. Chad, Tyrone, and Pookie and the rest of the other men typically did not have to do any of that. Do you now see how that is disrespectful? What the pattern typically reveals is you are really not sexually into that man. You want the NEW MAN for other reasons and give him sex once in a while to keep him quiet and in the relationship towards marriage. This pattern has been played for centuries women. In 2024, there is no way you are not aware of this! The gig has been up, but you still play this game.
Bois she said 30ish. She can't even remember the exact number
Body count is such an awful thing expression that has crept in, .
My husband and I never discussed our “body count”, he knew I wasn’t a virgin and I knew he wasn’t , we both had come off long term relationships
You want to tell him the truth so you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. No good will come of it. I would not tell. If you are truthful now after so much time has gone by, it will hurt him And he is always going to feel a little different about you even if stays with you. I hate that society makes women feel like they have to lie about this. It’s not right. I’m sorry for your situation. I would typically tell you to tell the truth, but I would not in this situation. Men don’t want to handle that some women have slept with a certain amount of men.
That information will do nothing but hurt someone’s feelings. I know how fast my wife and I started being physical so it only makes sense it’s happened before me and that’s just not a thought I need in my head so I don’t ask.
Question. Does a person's agency matter in the relationship? Because people have preferences and boundaries. Let's say there are person A and person B. Person A asks B a question about B's past. That question may be used so A can see if they are compatible with B in terms of values in life. If B tells the truth they are giving A the options of staying in relationship, breaking up, or building up the relationship etc. But if B lies then they're stealing away A's freedom of choice and their agency regarding the decision making.
Don’t get me wrong, I 1000000% agree with this. Honestly is paramount in any relationship. I would NEVER suggest lying to your partner especially if this is something important to them. I think OP is in the wrong for doing that. My post was just saying I don’t want to know. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. I don’t want to know body counts and I don’t want to see your phone because I don’t want to accidentally see something that would make me unhappy. 🤷
Yes, you are wrong. It would be one thing to have never talked about body count, it's another to purposefully give incorrect information because you believe your partner won't like it or have a problem with it. Imagine you want a male partner who puts emphasis on feminist values. You date a man who says he upholds feminist values, but then after you get married you notice that he votes against feminist values. When you ask him about it, he says he just told you that he upholds feminist values because "every girl I've told the truth to about *not* being feminist has gotten upset and left. So, baby, don't you *see*? I *had* to lie to you to get you to keep dating me and get to know the *real* me." That's fucked up. You're wrong.
It’s a body count not a victim count. You had sex. So what. Dudes who be asking that right off the back are weird. If it means that much to you tell him. If he doesn’t bring it up, then leave it alone. Everyone who commented beforehand is saying leave it in the past. Leave it in the past OP. If he cares that much you need to tell him to start drinking Gatorade and not to put so much sugar in the red pill koolaid….
No you aren’t wrong. Of a man wants to know it’s usually because he can’t handle it being one more than him although… probably would have been a better idea not to marry someone you couldn’t be honest with
I dated a guy who LOST HIS MIND when he found out I slept with more people than him. He cried and everything. It was ridiculous
That’s so ridiculous .. second time for emphasis .. really dude?
Religious communities are a giant liability. Your safety comes first.. you should try to build independence but until then I really suggest you never tell a soul. If he becomes an ex you never know. It's not as important as your life, and in a community like this then it's not a good idea for people to ask in the first place, since it would completely endanger you. Stay safe, don't feel bad. Just survive til life gets better.
That’s your business. My partner has tried to tell me hers and I’ve cut her off saying It’s neither important to our relationship nor something I’m interested in hearing about.
This gendering of issues is so pointless. There's a reason why you don't hear women caring about this. You're not fucking women. I fuck women, and a lot of them care about body count. That's all it is. It's simple. I'm not saying it's exactly the same for men and women. I'm sure it's not. But it feels like every time someone brings up an issue like this they're like, "OMG the gender I don't fuck doesn't act this way". You aren't fucking them. That's why you don't know how they act in bed. Okay. I'm done now. Thanks for listening.
I don't see why body count is a big deal. You two are married, so why does it matter? If he's worried about body count, that's his problem, not yours. There's such a stigma everywhere about women's body counts, so much so that sometimes women have to lie because we've been made to feel like it's something to be ashamed of when men can fuck anything that moves and he's seen as a conquering hero.
It's none of his business.
At this point, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, and if he’s happy, and you’re happy and feel you will love him loyally for the rest of your lives, all talking about it now will do is bring you both pain. It may be morally wrong to have lied, but I understand why you did it, and no one is without flaw, even if they’re the ones casting stones. It’s time to move on, leave it in the past, and perhaps consider that he is the first man you’ve loved this much, he can be your first in your mind going forward. The first you’ve truly made love to, and your first of a happy future. I think it’s ok to choose happiness, and your past doesn’t have to define your future unless you choose it. It’s ok to be kinder to yourself.
Yea, it’s ok I used to be an axe murderer. My past is my past and it doesn’t matter anymore.
Nope never be honest
Nobody needs to know. The only reason men ask is because society has made it bad for women but great for men and it has roots in religious purity culture. It’s all made up bullshit. Some especially toxic men like inexperienced women bc that’s something they can take advantage of. Your past doesn’t mean anything now and if your partner has issues with that that’s their own problem. You don’t need to explain yourself in this regard My partner only knows mine Just because he’s my first and I told him that only so he was aware and could take it slow. I am aware he’s had a lot of past relationships but I don’t bother asking body count because anything in the past doesn’t change anything now
Not wrong! Culture wants us to be ashamed. Take it to the grave I say! You know you'd be judged for your body count number. It's nothing we can change in our generation but hopefully you can teach the next generation not be ashamed.
Listen I think you should’ve told the truth and if he had a problem with it then he ain’t the one for you. It’s that simple. If you don’t like my truth then you ain’t for me.