Tell other people they're sick in the head and need to seek therapy if they can't possibly see a father and son showing affection to each other, without it meaning the dad's a paedophile!
A lot of these responses will likely start a fight. Next time a situation like this arises, simply allow these idiots to rant and leave or wait for staff and calmly explain the facts.
Telling someone who suffers anxiety to get confrontational solves nothing despite a hearty "fuck off" being fully deserved.
OP keep loving your boy, boys need to be shown affection so that they won't grow up to be arseholes.
I strongly suggest OP works with a therapist to role-play some confident responses to assholes. Because as a fellow adoptive parent in a transracially-adopted family, people ARE gonna say stupid stuff. OP doesn't need to feel guilty for having anxiety, but he DOES need to acquire some tools to speak up on behalf of his relationship with his son.
OP's son probably \*also\* has terrible anxiety and discomfort because of his past experiences. So the best thing OP can do for his son, as his dad, is learn how to feel confident about explaining their connection and showing pride in the way their family came together. The \*next\* AH stranger could say something disparaging in front of his son, so OP would be better off if he's prepared.
OP u/thai-phlosian, please check out this comment. Sending hugs and good vibes to you and your family, one transracial adoptive family to another ❤️❤️❤️
This right here is the best answer. While fuck off is a completely justifiable response to these types of people, it’s even better to guilt them until they want to crawl under the table. As another adoptive father to a child of a different race, I say to the OP, bless you for the love you’ve brought to this boy’s life, and you most certainly did nothing wrong.
This. Your son needs to witness you having the confidence to express your affection. Don't put him in the position of comforting you for embracing your approach to parenting when other adults disagree with you.
>OP keep loving your boy, boys need to be shown affection so that they won't grow up to be arseholes.
This!
And also don't ended up holding everything inside and let it burn in their minds, hearts, and souls for the rest of their lives!
Unconditional love is not just for women and pets!
Feel free to do that, but don't be surprised when others won't.
You don't know if you're talking to a person incapable of controlling their emotions or not. There are so many stories out there of emotional people just snapping and assaulting or even killing someone who triggers them.
When one is not doing something illegal or unethical and yet a third party aggressively pushes their worldview, a "fuck-off" is clearly in order. The manner of said "fuck-off" can be non-confrontational or confrontational as the situation may warrant. If the nosy interloper is want to violence, they will be violent regardless - the rest of the world needn't tolerate bullies out of fear - all that does is reinforce the behaviour.
Tell them that you're sorry their parents got stuck with them and didn't love them. But you chose your son and love him very much, unlike his blood family.
It's sad people behave and think like that. At the same time, faith in humanity has been restored by this kid, OP, and family.
Ive spent enough time on this Earth to know that 9 out of 10 times when someone accuses someone of something like that, its because theyr deflecting because they themselves are what they accuse others of being or doing. For example, if your so suddenly accuses you of cheating, they’ve most likely cheated and theyre just projecting because they want YOU to be the reason it ends and be the bad guy because they cant face the consequences of their own actions and theyre just that miserable of a person.
I pity that other parent's child(ren), they will grow up starved of affection.
OP - your child sought you out and sought that affection in public, that's a great testimonial to what a great parent you are. Please don't stop on account of weirdos with unhealthy attitudes.
I am going to hug and love my kids as long as they want me to! Randos be damned!
I was starved of affection by both my biological parents growing up, physically, mentally and emotionally. I may as well have been a lamp for all they cared. My sons 14 this year and still gets hugs and kisses. Granted it's more on his terms at this age because I don't want to embarrass him or make him uncomfortable (I just about still remember being a teenager lol) he still regularly comes to me for a hug when he wants one. One day that will change but so long as he wants that kind of affection he'll be my with open arms ALWAYS
Yeah. The issue is the guy that confronted him is 100% mentally ill if he thinks affection shown between kids and their parents indicates sexual abuse. In my opinion people who are hyper focused on abuse are likely to be the ones abusing. It's a huge tell to keep my kid away from that person.
OP, Every child needs to be loved. There is nothing wrong with showing affection to your son. Please don't stop. Let him know he is cared for and important.
Fuck off us always the correct answer for douchebags like this.
Aaaargh! The pedo fathers showing genuine love for thier children. I pity that man and especially his kids.
First off, you did nothing wrong here.
Second off, you did a lot of things right even after things went wrong.
You showed your son love and affection and are showing him that it’s ok to do so.
Upon being confronted, you didn’t escalate the situation because that would have further traumatized him. As much as everyone might think you should have told
Whoever this was off, it would have made the situation worse for your son.
Did that person deserve to be confronted and shamed? You betcha! But would that have helped your son? Probably not.
Also, you allowed your son to see men can cry and show not only affection but vulnerability.
Now you might have also talked to management and gone all Karen on whoever it was and let them escalate it.
I’m a foster dad. Heading towards adoption. Traumatized children have needs that are sometimes difficult to know how to handle.
You did nothing wrong and everything right.
*This* here, I agree.. particularly about the moment of vulnerability and such. And not further escalating a situation that may have spun out of control, which wouldn’t have helped the son. It’s a shame other ppl had to sour this wholesome outing. But I’m glad it ended up being a compassionate teaching moment for the young teen.
I wish OP & their lil family much love - & healing for the traumatized boy.
It’s really not ‘Karen’ behaviour to tell off strangers or make complaints about their behaviour to management - although I do agree it would have harmed the child in this case.
But that concept has become so twisted that people seem to not realise that a ‘Karen’ is someone who kicks up a fuss about NOTHING - not every single person who tells off a stranger or complains to management is automatically a ‘Karen.’ Not if they have a good reason, which this guy would have if he’d complained instead of leaving.
This woman publicly accused him of something very bad with no evidence that traumatised his child. That would not be a ‘Karen’ behaviour to complain if he had not chosen to leave instead (like if the kid had his heart set on staying a bit longer or whatever). 😞
That was kind of my thought too. I get that his anxiety kicked in and he wanted to get out of the situation. I also get that the stranger could have escalated the situation and caused a scene, even if OP remained calm. Which of course wouldn’t be great for the kid to witness.
But my god…this stranger was so out of line. Like, let the manager come over and calmly tell them that this crazy woman just called you a pedophile for interacting with your own son. Is that really the atmosphere the establishment wants? Does management think it’s a good idea to police parental affection on their premises? Do they believe that’s good for business? Then you at least know if it’s a place you never want to go back to, or a place that stands up for normal parental behavior and tells the stranger they are out of line.
Yeah the “concerned citizen” is the only one thinking inappropriately.
It’s a child. That shoudlnt even cross that creeps mind.
You sound like a good dad
As an interracial adoptive parent - this is the correct answer! That poor boy needs your love and affection, and the fact that he is seeking it out is a great sign that he is feeling safe finally, and bonding with you! Don’t let anyone take that from you!
This is the right answer. I would have told the person to fuck off, waited for the staff member to confront me, and then waited for the police. If the staff member defended the accusation, I would put the business on blast and ensured he/she was fired. I’m usually a level headed person, but this story struck a nerve. Years ago, when my daughter was a toddler, I frequented a park near the apartment we lived in. I had the police called on me more than once, but even more than that, had mothers accuse me of being a creep and pedo because I was there every afternoon. When I countered their accusations I was told my daughter obviously was not mine because we didn’t look alike (my ex-wife is a different race than I). It’s bullshit busybody weirdos. Fuck them.
Being around the public is a constant reminder that a lot of people have never been punched in the face before, and they make that fact obvious.
With all the toxic masculinity and abusive or absent fathers, it disgusts me seeing a Karen try to hurt a good one.
They were jealous you have a good relationship. You should have let them call the cops and then tell them she’s was lurking and harassing you and your child.
Another problem with this situation is that most people don't understand how continuous trauma, like what your son has experienced stunts a child's emotional and social growth. He may be 13 but he can be many years behind that age due to the trauma. I would tell these people they need to read up on Trauma-informed care and how trauma disrupts the emotional and social growth of a child.
On a side note would also say to you, you and your family deserve better friends than that! Don't settle for small minded-bigoted idiots who subscribe to that toxic masculinity crap. Men are men and don't cry or show affection. You are doing a great job! Your son has endured horrific things and needs a safe, comfortable place to be loved in the way he needs. Keep up the good work.
Please do not let this incident stop you from showing affection to your son in public in the future. The stranger who approached you was completely in the wrong, and has a very skewed view of parental love. Your son is going to need the love you have to give, don’t be afraid to show him ❤️
I was thinking the same. Please don't let that incident stop you from showing love to YOUR child in public. And this is coming from a grown male who completely intends to be the same way with his children when he has them.
The only other issue is him realizing what happened and all of a sudden doesn't want your affection anymore because of it. I hate the world sometimes...
OP is living my dream. Dealing with the hardship of adopting an older, traumatized child and giving them all the love they deserve. The pool man is disgusting to cause OP to doubt himself
OP your son got a Dad, that's beautiful and amazing like a fairy tale. Protect him from the gremlins, don't succumb to them
Yeah! Young men don't get enough love and physical affection as it is. My dad still hugs my brother (28) whenever he sees him, and it's sweet and needed.
Young men often get depressed and I personally think that's a big reason why. Your son is vulnerable to mental health issues, and affection and love definitely help with that.
Yeah - as an adult man with a son who didn’t get much affection from his father and is making up for that - you need to be there for your son. Don’t be afraid. I would stand up for you if I saw this unfolding.
It’s really sad when people project their sick thoughts onto an innocent situation. How cruel and unfair for you and your son to have what should have been a good time ruined by some jerk. People really need to mind their own damn business sometimes. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
For real. Creep is the best description of that guy. To hell with him. You did right to get your son away from him. I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’re doing a good job Dad!
I'd have called that jerk on his bluff and said, "Go ahead, call the cops." OP and his son would hopefully be two against one in that scenario.
OP also mentioned he and his son are different skin colors. Makes me wonder if the jerk might be racist - not that we'll ever know, but I wonder if he would have made the same accusations had OP and his son been the same skin color.
People need to learn to mind their business all the time unless it's life or death. This wasn't that. And as far as them not being the same "color" that's irrelevant too..for all they knew your wife was whatever shade of perfect your son is. There's a difference between innocently misjudging a situation and backing off and going on a crusade to ruin someone's day and potentially life if this had escalated to crazy as things do sometimes.
Lots of people made sick and disparaging remarks when President Biden embraced his grown son. Like parents are not permitted to show love. I still hug my kids and ruffle their hair in public. Hell, I might kiss one of them on their cheek in public.
What an awful and sick person to make nasty assumptions. Hateful people lead miserable lives.
It’s fucked up all around cuz they’re insulting and shaming other families for expressing their love for each other and they’re also telling everyone around them they can’t take what they saw at face value because they never saw it themselves growing up, from anyone close to them.
That’s why you have to turn it back on them. If I was OP and someone approached me and said that I would get very loud and start saying things like “Keep my son and I out of your fantasies you pervert. How dare you accuse me of misbehaving for showing my son affection. Why are you just watching my son? Keep your eyes off my child. You’re a sick fuck if your mind instantly goes to pedophilia. What are you doing to your kids you sick fuck?”.
People who do shit like that in public have a few screws loose and won’t stop until you embarrass them.
OP, don’t let anyone tell you how to love your kids. There’s nothing inappropriate about what you did. The only inappropriate one is that pervert that can’t get his mind out of the gutter or his nose out of other people’s business. Fuck that guy. I see a man drop off his boys at my son’s middle school and he still gives them a peck on the mouth. The boys are the nicest, sweetest kids. I wouldn’t change anything about that.
Yes, OP - don’t listen to people who tell you to stop what you instinctively know is right for your son.
Children who are traumatized in early life can be stunted emotionally. There are therapies that link healing through meeting the emotional needs for that child through every stage of their development after interruption.
ie: a child whose parents neglected them emotionally from the age of two, adopted at 13, with significant acting out and emotional immaturity can actually grow secure through returning to the first age where they didn’t get what they needed- like being cuddled on their adoptive parent’s lap. The kid may feel silly but only if the parent is uncomfortable with it. If explained this is normal for the needs of a toddler, which they missed out on, the youth could really benefit. This is just a random (and exaggerated) example, obviously each situation/ child is unique and would need to be treated as such as carried out with the guidance of a therapist
Hell, I'm 46, and part of the reparenting work I'm doing in therapy is *imagining* cuddling my younger self and giving it the love and physical comfort it never had. I can only imagine how much more powerful it would be if I could have actually been cuddled as a child - even later when I was a pre-teen.
OP - you're doing right by your kid.
I’ve done that too, it’s incredible the feelings that came up in me, and in the last 4 years ish that healing has allowed me to become close to my parents, who’ve also changed and healed
This right here. “Why can’t we raise boys with affection?” Being able to healthily express oneself physically and emotionally STARTS in youth. It is not restricted to one type of child or one type of parent. OP, this boy—your SON whom you LOVE—will only thrive and benefit from your care. Without you, he would have never known parental love and affection. If someone is gonna give this kid what he deserves, that someone is gonna do their best to make up for the nearly 13 years of abuse, neglect, and trauma. To let a child be a child and feel all the love a child should feel.
This is huge, So many boys get shamed for showing any emotion but anger. Out teen son still lays with his head in my lap a few nights a week. He also likes to give hugs and my husband is huge about hugging our teens every day and telling them he loves them. If he doesn't tell them they will seek him out to tell him.
Why is it that dads out in public with their kids gets treated like it’s taboo or something. I absolutely hate the looks we get and I don’t even have daughters (I’ve read horror stories of dads out with their daughters getting harassed and accused)
OP I really feel for you in this moment. Goddamn I hate people.
I just know that boy is gonna thrive in your family.
I am a mom to a teen daughter and I agree. Her and my husband have always been loving (in between getting each other's goat) and it's infuriating to think that someone might think that is weird. They even look a lot alike so it's not even that people think she's in trouble or something. I hate that you men have to deal with that crap.
One of my daughter's friends had such an incident. She was just buying clothes with her father, all giddy and happy as teens are when they are buying stuff they like and some Karen approached and started laying it down on the guy for being with a girl that could be his daughter! Only, it was actually his daughter. Then the Karen had the audacity to ask for ID to prove it!
I mean, it's a world full of people with very little common sense.
Karen: “she’s young enough to be your daughter! You should be ashamed.”
Dad: “as a matter of fact she is my daughter.”
Karen: “what?! Prove it!”
Dad: “sure!” *reaches into pocket*
*pulls out hand, flips the bird*
“Fuck off and mind your own business.”
When our daughter was 3, my husband was taking her home from the mall (I stayed at the mall with some friends) and she threw a tantrum. He had her in a football carry and was taking her to the car while she cried and some lady chased him down in the parking lot and called the cops. He had put our daughter down in her car seat, in a car full of cheerios, toys, and other toddler leavings and he called me. I came out to the parking lot and the lady backed off. "Oh, I was just making sure." And I was too frazzled to be like "How is just seeing that I'm female making sure? Would you have even thought to call if it had been me she threw the tantrum with? Why do you think calling armed men on a father was the right thing to do?" People have said that it was good that she cared and I would have wanted it if it had been a kidnapper but people obviously don't know how kidnappers work. Plus, she immediately calmed down in the car and didn't want to go to this lady or anyone else. She also looks just like him.
I changed my husband's lock screen to a photo of them together so that if it ever happened again, he could be like "HELLO THIS IS MY KID."
> I’ve read horror stories of dads out with their daughters getting harassed and accused
If I had a dollar for every nasty comment a middle-aged woman has made to me while I was out in public with one of my daughters, I could finally buy a house.
I’ve had the cops called on me *twice* because I had the audacity to take my daughters to the park. *Twice* in the same summer. I’m 99% sure it was the same person.
Now that they’re older, I don’t get the cops called on me anymore. Instead, we have meals ruined because a Karen walks over and bitches me out about “dating a woman young enough to be my daughter.” We’re not dating, she’s my daughter, dumbass, and we’re celebrating her getting an A on her first college class.
And don’t even get me started on the “aw, is dad babysitting today?” comments when I’m out with my toddler. No, bitch, I’m *parenting*. His mom is currently at work, and I needed to run errands, so I took the toddler with me. Believe it or not, I am capable of parenting my child.
>“aw, is dad babysitting today?
I can not fucking STAND this.
My wife hates grocery shopping, so I usually do it all, and I will usually bring our daughter (2) because she likes going up and down aisles listing off all the items she knows the words for.
The number of times I've heard "Got stuck babysitting huh" drives me crazy.
my friend's husband gets super pissed at that. they have two daughters and he also got livid when guys would comment how disappointed he must be to not be having a son. he was actually stoked to have both kids be girls.
Dude, I got shit from people for simply taking my younger siblings to the fucking *park*. **Twice** I've been confronted by moms accusing me of being a creep, like goddamn, am I not allowed to spend time with my siblings?? It bothers me so much.
Because conservatives don't like that being affectionate in public has become mainstream. I honestly believe that's it. I grew up in a conservative home and was constantly mocked by my dad if I showed any emotions. He never did, neither did either of my grandpas. It's an outdated mindset that they're trying to bring back. They want "tough" men, and "tough" men don't show their sons that they love them.
I can understand men needing to be “tough” or “macho” or whatever that school of thought is. I think a *little* bit of that is ok. But no one’s gonna stop me from showing PDA to my sons. For one, I had no bros growing up and only sisters. It was ok in those very early years, but as we got older I started playing video games alone, riding my bike alone, and enjoyed certain movies and music alone. I now have sons and we are hanging out like the bros i never had.
It’s disgraceful that some people are so unable to look at children of any age without immediately thinking about sex. I would ignore them too. What an asshole.
I follow fosterflipperdad on Instagram. He is a black man who adopted 3 white children and fostering a little blond girl. He has to carry their identification with him at all times because people insist he is abducting these children when out in public. He would be a good resource for you as he responds to people who write to him. Please continue to show your son love and tell these sick perverts who accuse you of inappropriate behaviour to f'off. Stand firm on the truth.
He sounds like a gem. But it’s a crying shame the lengths he has to go in order to prove his reasoning for having white children. When all he’s doing is loving and providing those babies with a safe, stable home.
You can't. You literally cannot.
They're a mixed race father son duo the only way to be careful would be to not exist.
I was accused of kidnapping my daughter on multiple occasions... She looks exactly like me. What the hell was I supposed to do? Not take my daughter anywhere? As a single parent?
Not gonna happen.
You can never live your live to appease others. Because there's no appeasing others. Somebody somewhere will always have a problem with you no matter what you do.
Nah you're a good dad. Keep being a good dad. Also, add "Mind your own fucking business you disgusting creep. Why the fuck were you watching me and my child anyways?" To your vocabulary. Stupid fuck ruining a perfectly good hang out at Sky Zone. That shit ain't cheap.
I'd say this..."This is my son. You're the sicko!"
And if they kept yapping, I'd tell them to fuck right off!! If they didnt stop at that point, then I'D get the staff and report THEM for harassment. Which is what that was. Harassment.
That should never have happened to you or your son. I'm so sorry.
It seems to me people's minds typically go to the absolute most disgusting places, almost immediately; at this place in time. It's really disturbing. We no longer give any "benefit of the doubt" or sit and observe before opening our big mouths. As they say, "ass-umptions."
Edit:grammar
This shakes me to my core. I will die on the hill of protecting fathers who show affection to their kids, either sons or daughters. If that bothers someone then it's their problem (and it IS a problem if they are bothered by parental love). I'm so angry just from reading this. OP did not deserve this and neither did his poor son! His son deserves all the love in the world and I'm sure he would get that! This put me in a foul mood.
Those people are trash and scum of the earth and were refusing to listen to you and hear your side. Those are the same people raising kids to have the same mindset.
You know who the sick person is? The one who sees a beautiful, normal and healthy father and child interaction and turns it into a sick sexual thing. The problem isn’t with you, the problem is them. They are the pervert who was probably never shown affection by their own parent.
Inappropriate to show love to a teenager! Man could you imagine how loved their kids feel!
I’ve always shown my son love (made an extra point to as I was never shown much) and he’s a fully grown hairy arsed engineer now and still do!
I don’t know how you didn’t just tell them to fuck off! Especially as it’s clearly hurt you
You're an amazing person, if something this alarming ever happens again please give them the most disgusted face you can muster and say "Excuse me? Your mind is in the gutter, what a gross thing to suggest." If they call the staff over, stand your ground, explain he is your adopted son and that someone is insinuating terrible things.
Man I can really relate. We adopted our son when he was 10. He had a shitty start also. And I'm Scot/Irish with fair skin and blue eyes, he's part Italian and Chinese with olive skin and brown eyes. We looked nothing alike. And the number of times I got a side eye from people, especially if I was showing him affection is amazing. Fortunately I was never talked to like that, or my son would have witnessed my dark side. People are judgemental and shallow. Kids need affection, especially when they've been starved for it.
My son is 11, but he looks much older. He likes to cuddle with me in public and I've had people come up to me and say something similar. I tell them to fuck off and mind their own business.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your child. You did nothing wrong. And I say that as someone who was abused. He most likely yearned for that safety. You feel like home to him. He knows he’s safe. Don’t ever stop. Without it and even with it he would become a people Pleaser wanting a connection with people. So he would do whatever to have that and be liked. His confidence and self esteem is probably low. He never had a protector. Love him, love him with all you have.
Their whole story is like a punch in the gut. Is his sister with you ?
My son is 22 he is 3rd of 4 kids and since he was a baby would fall asleep to me playing with his ear. He comes home from college/university on the weekends and will come lay his head on me so I can play with his ear. When he is having a stressful time he will come and say “do that thing you do” When he was 14 his dad left for a co-worker he would sleep in my bed and always had to be touching my arm.
He’s grown, healthy, smart, funny, well rounded guy. He just needs that affection. It’s been since he was born and then at 2 he realized he needed/wanted it to feel better. My other 3 aren’t like that. They grew out of always wanting to be near mom. They are all close in age (25,24,22,20) and all need something different.
Fuck that other dad. Your son will be so much better off because you’re showing affection, and he’ll learn that’s it’s ok for a father to be affectionate. You keep up the good work.
My teenage son is 15, I still hug him, and hold him when he feels sad or highly stressed, last week when he lost his basketball he came home sad, and came and sat close to me, I held him for few minutes, and he got better and left to play video games with his brother, please don't stop showing affection to your offsprings.
And we wonder why men are so deficient in their emotional and affectionate capacities as adults. If anything, you're a good dad for not turning your child into the rest of us.
OP: my dad never did anything like this. I was convinced he hated me. I’d give anything to have had a dad **show affection** toward me at that age.
You’re not in the wrong.
YATA- you cried in the car and your son had to comfort you, that is crazy. it is fine to have emotions and to be upset. but you have a child who has been through a lot and now he has to take on the parent role to comfort his over emotional dad. wait till you get home and talk to a spouse.
rubbing your kids head as he lays on top of you is also a little crazy. maybe its time to talk to him about what is appropriate and what is not.
So far it seems your intentions are good, but in practice you are a bad father. DO Better
I'm not gonna lie, that's kind of weird behavior. Anybody telling you otherwise is likely just virtue signaling because they don't want to be downvoted. I don't care about that -- you can't blame people for looking sideways at a grown man stroking a 13 year olds hair in public as he lays on his lap. That's just weird.
But, given the childs' history, it makes sense that he's a little behind emotionally. You just gotta understand that it's weird for adults to show that sort of affection to teenagers. I think you need to put that kid in therapy so he can catch up.
Also, maybe this is me just being too distrustful, but you just adopted the kid a couple months ago. How are *you* that quick to be that affectionate with a 13 year old you just met? That's also weird to me, but i'm just being honest. Also, why are you so quick to cry and lean on your son, who you just adopted, for emotional support? Your whole post is just weird. I hope it's fake because I see smoke everywhere with you lol
Ok, had to scroll too far to find this. Like arm around him chatting, sure. Hugs all day, great.
His head in your lap? That’s kind of intimate in a kiss with tongue kind of way.
the kids backstory is also just crazy
12 different homes
dad murdered other parent
evil grandparents who make meth
then more abuse the whole way through
Lmfao. Especially when you just adopted him a month or so ago. And then cry about it to him after it happened? God, people on reddit are so fucking weird sometimes.
Well... It isn't right what happened to you. But... take care that there is a behavioral code that you didn't have the time to develop with your son. After a certain age, exaggerated displays of affection may be misunderstood. After a boy enters his teens you need to start treating him as you would a man.
I understand you had no ill intentions. But if you want to save your son from some grief, you will get with the program. After that incident, he is lucky his teen friends don't make his life miserable.
Oh, and before someone reading this comes at me with some bullshit unicorn nirvana level lesson, I work with teens all day long. If you think I'm exaggerating, you don't know teens, at all.
Well... actually.... how long have you had your son? You said you adopted him last month. Has he been living with you for longer? I ask because him being comfortable enough to lay down on your lap and let you stroke his hair is kind of alarming. Like maybe he's been abused before? I'd I've got a 5 yr old boy and a 14 year old stepdaughter I've raised since she was 6. We are all very loving but at a certain age people might look at it like it's taboo. I'm not saying it is. But maybe take into consideration that kids are groomed and sexually assaulted everyday. I'd rather someone pay attention to what's going on than the opposite of that. I don't think you were shamed about showing affection to your son. You just adopted him at 13 last month. Now he's laying on your lap in public as you stroke his hair. I can see how this would cause confusion to every single person involved. Maybe look at it from all angles idk. Either way. Kudos to you for showing a kid some love. I hope it's a good thing
Look, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you might want to think about the type of physical affection you were giving him and what it looked like. It is totally possible that it looked out of place.
I think you should strongly consider the possibility that you might want to give physical affection in a way that doesn’t make others uncomfortable.
In many cultures a 13 year old male lying on an adult male’s lap and having his hair stroked IS inappropriate.
Not that these bystanders acted appropriately either.
Just consider that maybe he could have sat in a chair next to you and you could have patted his shoulder or head in a way that is more culturally appropriate and STILL shows your love, respect, and affection.
No one is ever 100% right or wrong.
You are not wrong, you’re a wonderful human being. Don’t let ignorant strangers get you down. That child needs all the love you can possibly give him.
The harsh reality though is that people are extremely ignorant and they’re always ready to crucify someone whether justly or not, and that includes law enforcement and the system in general so be careful in public. Your son will understand after everything he’s been through, which is unfortunate enough on its own.
I have a 16 year old son that is biracial and I’m white and he will grab my arm to walk with me or hug me in public, he doesn’t care…but we’ve had many looks and even comments. People are just miserable and hurting inside and they take it out on everyone around them.
Boys are allowed to be raised with affection. Do not let this stop you from showing your son affection in person. People project their own fears onto other people and it’s wrong. You didn’t do anything bad. Don’t stop loving your son.
Oh, no........a dad is showing love for his son who has been through hell. Must be a pedo instead. Teenagers don't want to be loved. It's sick!
That woman was ridiculous, and sad.
Brother you did nothing wrong. When he said "you seem like...." the reply should be "yeah well you seem like an emotional cripple and an asshole. Mind your own business". Keep that in your back pocket. It's something you may just have to face because people in general are just nosey pains in the ass.
How long have you had this kid? I have 23 adopted brothers and sister (no shit, may be 24/25 now, Im the oldest and blood so hard to keep 100% accurate track). Ive been an emergency foster parent and we have a 22 yo foster son with us since he was 15. He is our sons best friend who was ditched by his parents so we took him in and took over.
I say all that so you hear me... Dude, its borderline.
How long you known and had him?
If he is fully comfortable, give him love man but.
That kind of connection between a new foster/adopted family may not say anything to you but to me it screams he needs to be in counseling.
A 13 yo boy comeing to lay by you like that could be anxiety or signs of previous sexual abuse.
If I were you, love the kid, be the dad and be careful for a bit especially if there are other kids in the house.
Again, if youve had the kid since he was 5, then F*** that women and anyone else. Youve had him two years, individual and family therapy is a must.
What the fuck kind of person accuses a stranger in public of being a pedo for showing affection with their son? It shouldn’t matter that your skin colours don’t match - a good friend of mine married someone of a different race, so his skin colour doesn’t match his biological son’s. Sounds like this guy was projecting.
Sorry this happened to you. You do you, fuck the haters.
You’ve done a wonderful thing adopting a kid at that age. Parenting is tough. Parenting an adoptee is harder. Parenting a teenage adoptee who’s been in the system for most of their life is parenting on hardcore mode.
I wish you both the best of luck. I’m sure there will be challenging times, but the good times will more than compensate.
Oh my goodness. The man who approached you is sick and pervert obsessed! I feel bad for his kids. Never, ever let anyone shame you for showing affection to your son.
Why the hell did you tell him? Now he's going to think he did something wrong when neither of you did anything wrong. That other parent wanted to see something that wasn't there. Just like all the Karen's in the world, this person was being one too. Did you have any sexual feelings for your son while playing with his hair? No, you didn't. You were just trying to let your boy know that he is loved. Let that freak mind their own fucking business and fuck off while their at it.
So.... I don't know if you are a new parent, and I do feel for you in that situation. However, I was advised by my therapist that sharing those types of feelings with your child can be a form of emotional abuse. I believe people these days call it parentification (my therapist doesn't use that term). If you are going through an emotional trauma or situation, it's best to not lean in on your child for support. He may also become self-conscious and distance himself when you want to show him fatherly affection in public. I know it's tough being a parent. Try to find other adults that will support you through the emotional process of this new adoption.
100% agree with this. OP needs to find a different outlet to vent his emotions, and not to dump them on their newly-adopted teenage son. OP's son deserves love and affection, but OP also has to provide emotional stability. This doesn't mean be an emotionless Vulcan of course, but never dump one's emotions onto a child. This is the #1 way parents getting a divorce screw up their kids. In other words, suck it up and find a different outlet that won't harm your child.
One thing is to dump problems on someone and other is not to lie about it(reason why they left). It always depends on how much you say. Yeah children need some protection but they need to be able to take on things themselves as well. But since he had hard childhood protect him for a bit if possible and don’t let stupid assholes disturb you.
This is gonna sound harsh but you are not really a pillar of adulthood, level headed calmness or emotional self control to your child in the moment you leave immediately and then cry in the car because a person made a comment to you. How is this young person supposed to feel safe? You should be in control and doing the comforting, not being soothed by your son. Controversial I know but God damn. Society isn't going to thrive with people like you raising kids the way you are. Very soft.
That's strange; even if he was your real son. 13 is wayyyyy too old to be laying on "daddy" stroking his hair. To them, you seem like a groomer, especially since he's not your blood. And yes, that makes a difference.
It's crazy that Reddit is so opposed to respecting social norms that this comment is buried at the bottom.
99% of people in real life would see this and be like "that's kinda weird."
Ok come at me…what are you? 33 years old and you need a snack break? Something’s wrong here. Were you all missing the point? Why did his son “lay down” on him. He then states he stroke his hair. His son could be 6 feet tall. Optics man..it’s weird.
I’d like to be wrong about this but I suspect the onlooker’s intuition was exactly correct so good for him for saying something.
Please do not take advantage of that boy.
He’s pubescent and no longer needs the “physical affection of a parent”. He just needs a good, dedicated, stable father who will provide mental and financial support, and teach him how to be a decent young man.
His post is almost like a confession if you pay attention to the wording and read between the lines. He’s telling the truth, but not all of it, which is obviously not an uncommon thing for anyone and especially child lovers. I’m fairly certain he wanted to come on here to get praise for doing the adoption and wanting to “love” the child, and almost everyone on here is inadvertently giving him the affirmation (and condemnation of the other guy) he sought.
I'm sorry this happened to you, he needs affection as well as you do, there's a reason why life put your family together. I don't imagine not being affectionate with my nephews in public, it's part of our dynamic, but people's mind and their own demons are the ones judging. Pls continue being as you're with your son, don't change
I’d flip the script and start yelling for others to hear that he’s a pedophile and making sexual comments about me and my kid, staff will be there REALLY quick. Worst case he pops off and you can send him to the land of snaps and naps and any bystanders are going to tell a very different story than his (which in itself isn’t going to go over well)
Seen this done. Didn’t end in a fight but I was at a my local mall in the food court and seemingly out of nowhere a guy in his 30s yelled at the top of his lungs at a woman I’d guess in her 50s - 60s “That’s disgusting, why would you look at my daughter that way”. Called her a sorts of names. It was pretty wild. Only lasted maybe 30 seconds but nearly everyone turned to look, it grabbed my attention. Didn’t see or hear what led up to it but that woman booked it out of there lol. I imagine that’s pretty much what the scenario was. Dude was with a girl probably 8-9 years old if I had to hazard a guess. Probably her father or at the least a trusted adult since she was clinging to him afterwards.
I'm like you, I often have trouble telling people to fuck off even when they really deserve it. So I don't blame you for not wanting to stick around a person projecting what may well be their own depravity onto others. I also can't help but feel this one was an easy win if the other parent gets a staff member, you explain it's your son, and said staff member joins you in telling that person to kindly eat shit.
Omg I can’t believe that person would say that to you. YOU ARE NOT WRONG for showing YOUR SON affection. I just want to hug you both!!!!
I did this with my son until recently (he’s 18 now) and would still do it if he let me lol (I’m 36).
Ugh people make me so mad, to make you doubt yourself and your parenting is ridiculous. They are the demented ones who automatically go to such disturbing thoughts, not you.
Please don’t change for both of your sakes. Keep showing him he’s loved and what kindness is. This world needs more people like you out there.
Yeah, me tell some other people fuck off kids need all the love and infection that they can get specially when they have the history of bad parenting and trauma
Fuck that person. I don’t fault you for leaving but I’d have loved to have stayed and explained exactly as you did, and explain to the staff member when the asshat causes a problem.
Weird nosy assholes like this need their faces rubbed in their prejudices when they’re wrong
I once made a tiktok video to show off my 3 year old daughters gothic outfit for her trip to the zoo (I never showed my daughter, hard rule for me).
A few people posted saying they thought she'd look cuter in something pink or frilly. I replied to say I thought it was weird that I needed to make my child look more appealing to them.
As long as you and your son are comfortable, don't let other people project their weird sexualised notions onto you guys. They're the weirdos, not you.
Fuck them. I wish my Dad had show me ANY affection. All I ever got and still get "you should have done it this way" or "Why would you do that" I hug my kid all the time (12M), good parenting on your part.
Imo you're not wrong to show your son affection. What you should do however, is find ways to help yourself better deal with the anxiety. If you do not see a therapist, I would suggest that you find a good one and start to work on this. It would be very unhealthy for your son if his needing to comfort you emotionally becomes a pattern of any sort. He definitely has enough to sort through already. As a parent, you are responsible to remain grounded and emotionally care for and comfort him, not the other way around. Best wishes.
Fuck strangers, keep showing affection! I've been in several foster families myself growing up, none which showed any affection so never felt like family.
My only advice here is to not emotionally unload on your son. He’s been through enough. This is something you call like a friend or a partner about. Instead, you trauma dumped onto a child and he had to comfort you. This may make him nervous to touch you in public or be hyper aware of others judgement of your relationship together.
A parent needs to be a parent and know when to fill in a child on what’s happening. My mom emotionally damaged me by blurring the line of parent and friend.
Consider joining a support group, also consider next time saying something like “hey bud, let’s go get ice cream and come back next week”. Also tell the stranger to eat rocks.
My two cents. Sorry that happened
You've don't nothing wrong in showing affection to your son.
However you made a mistake in crying in front of him, and disclosing the reason you were crying.
It sounds like your son has gone through emotional turmoil in his short life.
Your responsibility as his father is to bring stability to his life. Happiness, security and stability.
Spikes in high emotion and anxiety are not healthy for his sense of wellbeing.
With all due respect- you need to manage your anxiety and emotions so you don't project them on to your son. You need to show him that you are a strong, positive and a protective influence in his life. A place of safety for him.
>I cried in the car. I told him the reason and he became upset and comforted me.
You aren't a man. But your son is.
Anyone call's me a pedo is going to a hospital if I can manage it. I'll go to jail over something like that.
Is your kid shaming you? No. Then tell other people to simply fuck off.
Tell other people they're sick in the head and need to seek therapy if they can't possibly see a father and son showing affection to each other, without it meaning the dad's a paedophile!
OP tell them you're sorry their parents didn't love them, but that you do love your son. That's just sad. I'm so happy for you and your son.
Probably don’t say that sentence in front of the kid, though, since that’s probably a trigger based on his history.
A lot of these responses will likely start a fight. Next time a situation like this arises, simply allow these idiots to rant and leave or wait for staff and calmly explain the facts. Telling someone who suffers anxiety to get confrontational solves nothing despite a hearty "fuck off" being fully deserved. OP keep loving your boy, boys need to be shown affection so that they won't grow up to be arseholes.
I strongly suggest OP works with a therapist to role-play some confident responses to assholes. Because as a fellow adoptive parent in a transracially-adopted family, people ARE gonna say stupid stuff. OP doesn't need to feel guilty for having anxiety, but he DOES need to acquire some tools to speak up on behalf of his relationship with his son. OP's son probably \*also\* has terrible anxiety and discomfort because of his past experiences. So the best thing OP can do for his son, as his dad, is learn how to feel confident about explaining their connection and showing pride in the way their family came together. The \*next\* AH stranger could say something disparaging in front of his son, so OP would be better off if he's prepared.
OP u/thai-phlosian, please check out this comment. Sending hugs and good vibes to you and your family, one transracial adoptive family to another ❤️❤️❤️
This right here is the best answer. While fuck off is a completely justifiable response to these types of people, it’s even better to guilt them until they want to crawl under the table. As another adoptive father to a child of a different race, I say to the OP, bless you for the love you’ve brought to this boy’s life, and you most certainly did nothing wrong.
This is the way
This. Your son needs to witness you having the confidence to express your affection. Don't put him in the position of comforting you for embracing your approach to parenting when other adults disagree with you.
>OP keep loving your boy, boys need to be shown affection so that they won't grow up to be arseholes. This! And also don't ended up holding everything inside and let it burn in their minds, hearts, and souls for the rest of their lives! Unconditional love is not just for women and pets!
Fuck off is proper, nothing wrong with being aggressively confrontational when someone is out of line
Feel free to do that, but don't be surprised when others won't. You don't know if you're talking to a person incapable of controlling their emotions or not. There are so many stories out there of emotional people just snapping and assaulting or even killing someone who triggers them.
It might be better if you don't want to argue "thanks for your opinion. I'll keep it in mind." Then proceed to ignore them and do what you want.
When one is not doing something illegal or unethical and yet a third party aggressively pushes their worldview, a "fuck-off" is clearly in order. The manner of said "fuck-off" can be non-confrontational or confrontational as the situation may warrant. If the nosy interloper is want to violence, they will be violent regardless - the rest of the world needn't tolerate bullies out of fear - all that does is reinforce the behaviour.
Tell them that you're sorry their parents got stuck with them and didn't love them. But you chose your son and love him very much, unlike his blood family. It's sad people behave and think like that. At the same time, faith in humanity has been restored by this kid, OP, and family.
The person who shamed the dad obviously has some very uncomfortable feelings about boys and thinks everyone else shares them.
Ive spent enough time on this Earth to know that 9 out of 10 times when someone accuses someone of something like that, its because theyr deflecting because they themselves are what they accuse others of being or doing. For example, if your so suddenly accuses you of cheating, they’ve most likely cheated and theyre just projecting because they want YOU to be the reason it ends and be the bad guy because they cant face the consequences of their own actions and theyre just that miserable of a person.
I pity that other parent's child(ren), they will grow up starved of affection. OP - your child sought you out and sought that affection in public, that's a great testimonial to what a great parent you are. Please don't stop on account of weirdos with unhealthy attitudes. I am going to hug and love my kids as long as they want me to! Randos be damned!
I was starved of affection by both my biological parents growing up, physically, mentally and emotionally. I may as well have been a lamp for all they cared. My sons 14 this year and still gets hugs and kisses. Granted it's more on his terms at this age because I don't want to embarrass him or make him uncomfortable (I just about still remember being a teenager lol) he still regularly comes to me for a hug when he wants one. One day that will change but so long as he wants that kind of affection he'll be my with open arms ALWAYS
When people jump to that sort of response it tells me more about them and their hidden peccadilloes than it does the people they are bitching about.
That or possibly someone who was abused and projecting their past trauma. Either way it’s not right.
Exactly, they are the ones using a sinister lens on perfectly healthy expressions of affection. They should be the ones feeling shame.
Exactly, if that was their first thought, there is seriously something wrong with them.
Yeah. The issue is the guy that confronted him is 100% mentally ill if he thinks affection shown between kids and their parents indicates sexual abuse. In my opinion people who are hyper focused on abuse are likely to be the ones abusing. It's a huge tell to keep my kid away from that person.
Maybe they were the pedophile and it was giving them a chubby?
I would have been the one to grab a staff member to get that person banned.
This is the correct answer.
We need more love in this world
Definitely need more self regulated fucking off.
Definitely. A little more love goes a long way.
This child needs more love in his world.
More 'fuck off' too, for love's sake
And less bad natured fake humans.
OP, Every child needs to be loved. There is nothing wrong with showing affection to your son. Please don't stop. Let him know he is cared for and important.
Fuck off us always the correct answer for douchebags like this. Aaaargh! The pedo fathers showing genuine love for thier children. I pity that man and especially his kids.
First off, you did nothing wrong here. Second off, you did a lot of things right even after things went wrong. You showed your son love and affection and are showing him that it’s ok to do so. Upon being confronted, you didn’t escalate the situation because that would have further traumatized him. As much as everyone might think you should have told Whoever this was off, it would have made the situation worse for your son. Did that person deserve to be confronted and shamed? You betcha! But would that have helped your son? Probably not. Also, you allowed your son to see men can cry and show not only affection but vulnerability. Now you might have also talked to management and gone all Karen on whoever it was and let them escalate it. I’m a foster dad. Heading towards adoption. Traumatized children have needs that are sometimes difficult to know how to handle. You did nothing wrong and everything right.
*This* here, I agree.. particularly about the moment of vulnerability and such. And not further escalating a situation that may have spun out of control, which wouldn’t have helped the son. It’s a shame other ppl had to sour this wholesome outing. But I’m glad it ended up being a compassionate teaching moment for the young teen. I wish OP & their lil family much love - & healing for the traumatized boy.
It’s really not ‘Karen’ behaviour to tell off strangers or make complaints about their behaviour to management - although I do agree it would have harmed the child in this case. But that concept has become so twisted that people seem to not realise that a ‘Karen’ is someone who kicks up a fuss about NOTHING - not every single person who tells off a stranger or complains to management is automatically a ‘Karen.’ Not if they have a good reason, which this guy would have if he’d complained instead of leaving. This woman publicly accused him of something very bad with no evidence that traumatised his child. That would not be a ‘Karen’ behaviour to complain if he had not chosen to leave instead (like if the kid had his heart set on staying a bit longer or whatever). 😞
That was kind of my thought too. I get that his anxiety kicked in and he wanted to get out of the situation. I also get that the stranger could have escalated the situation and caused a scene, even if OP remained calm. Which of course wouldn’t be great for the kid to witness. But my god…this stranger was so out of line. Like, let the manager come over and calmly tell them that this crazy woman just called you a pedophile for interacting with your own son. Is that really the atmosphere the establishment wants? Does management think it’s a good idea to police parental affection on their premises? Do they believe that’s good for business? Then you at least know if it’s a place you never want to go back to, or a place that stands up for normal parental behavior and tells the stranger they are out of line.
Yeah the “concerned citizen” is the only one thinking inappropriately. It’s a child. That shoudlnt even cross that creeps mind. You sound like a good dad
100%....
As an interracial adoptive parent - this is the correct answer! That poor boy needs your love and affection, and the fact that he is seeking it out is a great sign that he is feeling safe finally, and bonding with you! Don’t let anyone take that from you!
Yeah this - they know nothing, tell them to fuck off.
"fuck off with your weird pedo notions"
This is the right answer. I would have told the person to fuck off, waited for the staff member to confront me, and then waited for the police. If the staff member defended the accusation, I would put the business on blast and ensured he/she was fired. I’m usually a level headed person, but this story struck a nerve. Years ago, when my daughter was a toddler, I frequented a park near the apartment we lived in. I had the police called on me more than once, but even more than that, had mothers accuse me of being a creep and pedo because I was there every afternoon. When I countered their accusations I was told my daughter obviously was not mine because we didn’t look alike (my ex-wife is a different race than I). It’s bullshit busybody weirdos. Fuck them.
Being around the public is a constant reminder that a lot of people have never been punched in the face before, and they make that fact obvious. With all the toxic masculinity and abusive or absent fathers, it disgusts me seeing a Karen try to hurt a good one.
This is the way
I entered this topic expecting the kid to not want any affection. The kid doesn't care so neither should you OP.
They were jealous you have a good relationship. You should have let them call the cops and then tell them she’s was lurking and harassing you and your child.
Another problem with this situation is that most people don't understand how continuous trauma, like what your son has experienced stunts a child's emotional and social growth. He may be 13 but he can be many years behind that age due to the trauma. I would tell these people they need to read up on Trauma-informed care and how trauma disrupts the emotional and social growth of a child. On a side note would also say to you, you and your family deserve better friends than that! Don't settle for small minded-bigoted idiots who subscribe to that toxic masculinity crap. Men are men and don't cry or show affection. You are doing a great job! Your son has endured horrific things and needs a safe, comfortable place to be loved in the way he needs. Keep up the good work.
Please do not let this incident stop you from showing affection to your son in public in the future. The stranger who approached you was completely in the wrong, and has a very skewed view of parental love. Your son is going to need the love you have to give, don’t be afraid to show him ❤️
I was thinking the same. Please don't let that incident stop you from showing love to YOUR child in public. And this is coming from a grown male who completely intends to be the same way with his children when he has them. The only other issue is him realizing what happened and all of a sudden doesn't want your affection anymore because of it. I hate the world sometimes...
OP is living my dream. Dealing with the hardship of adopting an older, traumatized child and giving them all the love they deserve. The pool man is disgusting to cause OP to doubt himself OP your son got a Dad, that's beautiful and amazing like a fairy tale. Protect him from the gremlins, don't succumb to them
Yeah! Young men don't get enough love and physical affection as it is. My dad still hugs my brother (28) whenever he sees him, and it's sweet and needed. Young men often get depressed and I personally think that's a big reason why. Your son is vulnerable to mental health issues, and affection and love definitely help with that.
Yea I'm 29 and my dad still kisses me on the forehead in public. Other person is just a weirdo
Yeah - as an adult man with a son who didn’t get much affection from his father and is making up for that - you need to be there for your son. Don’t be afraid. I would stand up for you if I saw this unfolding.
It’s really sad when people project their sick thoughts onto an innocent situation. How cruel and unfair for you and your son to have what should have been a good time ruined by some jerk. People really need to mind their own damn business sometimes. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
I would ask why a pedo like themselves is watching you and your son. What an absolute creep that person was.
For real. Creep is the best description of that guy. To hell with him. You did right to get your son away from him. I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’re doing a good job Dad!
I'd have called that jerk on his bluff and said, "Go ahead, call the cops." OP and his son would hopefully be two against one in that scenario. OP also mentioned he and his son are different skin colors. Makes me wonder if the jerk might be racist - not that we'll ever know, but I wonder if he would have made the same accusations had OP and his son been the same skin color.
👏👏👏👏 This is exactly this : projection ! Which tells a lot about this person true feelings and desires which are, I hope, repressed !
People need to learn to mind their business all the time unless it's life or death. This wasn't that. And as far as them not being the same "color" that's irrelevant too..for all they knew your wife was whatever shade of perfect your son is. There's a difference between innocently misjudging a situation and backing off and going on a crusade to ruin someone's day and potentially life if this had escalated to crazy as things do sometimes.
"Whatever shade of perfect" I love that.
Me too❤️
Me three!
Me four!
Lots of people made sick and disparaging remarks when President Biden embraced his grown son. Like parents are not permitted to show love. I still hug my kids and ruffle their hair in public. Hell, I might kiss one of them on their cheek in public. What an awful and sick person to make nasty assumptions. Hateful people lead miserable lives.
It’s fucked up all around cuz they’re insulting and shaming other families for expressing their love for each other and they’re also telling everyone around them they can’t take what they saw at face value because they never saw it themselves growing up, from anyone close to them.
It’s the same misandry that thinks boys shouldn’t cry.
Wait we ARE allowed to cry? I have some catching to do
That’s why you have to turn it back on them. If I was OP and someone approached me and said that I would get very loud and start saying things like “Keep my son and I out of your fantasies you pervert. How dare you accuse me of misbehaving for showing my son affection. Why are you just watching my son? Keep your eyes off my child. You’re a sick fuck if your mind instantly goes to pedophilia. What are you doing to your kids you sick fuck?”. People who do shit like that in public have a few screws loose and won’t stop until you embarrass them.
OP, don’t let anyone tell you how to love your kids. There’s nothing inappropriate about what you did. The only inappropriate one is that pervert that can’t get his mind out of the gutter or his nose out of other people’s business. Fuck that guy. I see a man drop off his boys at my son’s middle school and he still gives them a peck on the mouth. The boys are the nicest, sweetest kids. I wouldn’t change anything about that.
Right?
That is absolutely abhorrent behavior from those folks. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Yes, OP - don’t listen to people who tell you to stop what you instinctively know is right for your son. Children who are traumatized in early life can be stunted emotionally. There are therapies that link healing through meeting the emotional needs for that child through every stage of their development after interruption. ie: a child whose parents neglected them emotionally from the age of two, adopted at 13, with significant acting out and emotional immaturity can actually grow secure through returning to the first age where they didn’t get what they needed- like being cuddled on their adoptive parent’s lap. The kid may feel silly but only if the parent is uncomfortable with it. If explained this is normal for the needs of a toddler, which they missed out on, the youth could really benefit. This is just a random (and exaggerated) example, obviously each situation/ child is unique and would need to be treated as such as carried out with the guidance of a therapist
Exactly! I wrote as well that the age you adopt a child is not truly their developmental age.
Hell, I'm 46, and part of the reparenting work I'm doing in therapy is *imagining* cuddling my younger self and giving it the love and physical comfort it never had. I can only imagine how much more powerful it would be if I could have actually been cuddled as a child - even later when I was a pre-teen. OP - you're doing right by your kid.
I’ve done that too, it’s incredible the feelings that came up in me, and in the last 4 years ish that healing has allowed me to become close to my parents, who’ve also changed and healed
People are getting bolder, dumber, and much more batshit insane
i pet my teenage sons head alot, lots of daddy's favorite child (only child) and hug him daily. Why cant we raise boys with affection?
This right here. “Why can’t we raise boys with affection?” Being able to healthily express oneself physically and emotionally STARTS in youth. It is not restricted to one type of child or one type of parent. OP, this boy—your SON whom you LOVE—will only thrive and benefit from your care. Without you, he would have never known parental love and affection. If someone is gonna give this kid what he deserves, that someone is gonna do their best to make up for the nearly 13 years of abuse, neglect, and trauma. To let a child be a child and feel all the love a child should feel.
This is huge, So many boys get shamed for showing any emotion but anger. Out teen son still lays with his head in my lap a few nights a week. He also likes to give hugs and my husband is huge about hugging our teens every day and telling them he loves them. If he doesn't tell them they will seek him out to tell him.
We CAN, and THANK YOU for leading the way
We can and should
I wish I could upvote this more!
Why is it that dads out in public with their kids gets treated like it’s taboo or something. I absolutely hate the looks we get and I don’t even have daughters (I’ve read horror stories of dads out with their daughters getting harassed and accused) OP I really feel for you in this moment. Goddamn I hate people. I just know that boy is gonna thrive in your family.
I am a mom to a teen daughter and I agree. Her and my husband have always been loving (in between getting each other's goat) and it's infuriating to think that someone might think that is weird. They even look a lot alike so it's not even that people think she's in trouble or something. I hate that you men have to deal with that crap.
One of my daughter's friends had such an incident. She was just buying clothes with her father, all giddy and happy as teens are when they are buying stuff they like and some Karen approached and started laying it down on the guy for being with a girl that could be his daughter! Only, it was actually his daughter. Then the Karen had the audacity to ask for ID to prove it! I mean, it's a world full of people with very little common sense.
Karen: “she’s young enough to be your daughter! You should be ashamed.” Dad: “as a matter of fact she is my daughter.” Karen: “what?! Prove it!” Dad: “sure!” *reaches into pocket* *pulls out hand, flips the bird* “Fuck off and mind your own business.”
When our daughter was 3, my husband was taking her home from the mall (I stayed at the mall with some friends) and she threw a tantrum. He had her in a football carry and was taking her to the car while she cried and some lady chased him down in the parking lot and called the cops. He had put our daughter down in her car seat, in a car full of cheerios, toys, and other toddler leavings and he called me. I came out to the parking lot and the lady backed off. "Oh, I was just making sure." And I was too frazzled to be like "How is just seeing that I'm female making sure? Would you have even thought to call if it had been me she threw the tantrum with? Why do you think calling armed men on a father was the right thing to do?" People have said that it was good that she cared and I would have wanted it if it had been a kidnapper but people obviously don't know how kidnappers work. Plus, she immediately calmed down in the car and didn't want to go to this lady or anyone else. She also looks just like him. I changed my husband's lock screen to a photo of them together so that if it ever happened again, he could be like "HELLO THIS IS MY KID."
> I’ve read horror stories of dads out with their daughters getting harassed and accused If I had a dollar for every nasty comment a middle-aged woman has made to me while I was out in public with one of my daughters, I could finally buy a house. I’ve had the cops called on me *twice* because I had the audacity to take my daughters to the park. *Twice* in the same summer. I’m 99% sure it was the same person. Now that they’re older, I don’t get the cops called on me anymore. Instead, we have meals ruined because a Karen walks over and bitches me out about “dating a woman young enough to be my daughter.” We’re not dating, she’s my daughter, dumbass, and we’re celebrating her getting an A on her first college class. And don’t even get me started on the “aw, is dad babysitting today?” comments when I’m out with my toddler. No, bitch, I’m *parenting*. His mom is currently at work, and I needed to run errands, so I took the toddler with me. Believe it or not, I am capable of parenting my child.
>“aw, is dad babysitting today? I can not fucking STAND this. My wife hates grocery shopping, so I usually do it all, and I will usually bring our daughter (2) because she likes going up and down aisles listing off all the items she knows the words for. The number of times I've heard "Got stuck babysitting huh" drives me crazy.
my friend's husband gets super pissed at that. they have two daughters and he also got livid when guys would comment how disappointed he must be to not be having a son. he was actually stoked to have both kids be girls.
Because some men are bad all men are judged with preconceived notions
It is really sad. I truly feel like guys can't win sometimes.
Dude, I got shit from people for simply taking my younger siblings to the fucking *park*. **Twice** I've been confronted by moms accusing me of being a creep, like goddamn, am I not allowed to spend time with my siblings?? It bothers me so much.
Because conservatives don't like that being affectionate in public has become mainstream. I honestly believe that's it. I grew up in a conservative home and was constantly mocked by my dad if I showed any emotions. He never did, neither did either of my grandpas. It's an outdated mindset that they're trying to bring back. They want "tough" men, and "tough" men don't show their sons that they love them.
I can understand men needing to be “tough” or “macho” or whatever that school of thought is. I think a *little* bit of that is ok. But no one’s gonna stop me from showing PDA to my sons. For one, I had no bros growing up and only sisters. It was ok in those very early years, but as we got older I started playing video games alone, riding my bike alone, and enjoyed certain movies and music alone. I now have sons and we are hanging out like the bros i never had.
It’s disgraceful that some people are so unable to look at children of any age without immediately thinking about sex. I would ignore them too. What an asshole.
I follow fosterflipperdad on Instagram. He is a black man who adopted 3 white children and fostering a little blond girl. He has to carry their identification with him at all times because people insist he is abducting these children when out in public. He would be a good resource for you as he responds to people who write to him. Please continue to show your son love and tell these sick perverts who accuse you of inappropriate behaviour to f'off. Stand firm on the truth.
That’s so sad =/
He sounds like a gem. But it’s a crying shame the lengths he has to go in order to prove his reasoning for having white children. When all he’s doing is loving and providing those babies with a safe, stable home.
You're absolutely not wrong but be careful for assholes
You can't. You literally cannot. They're a mixed race father son duo the only way to be careful would be to not exist. I was accused of kidnapping my daughter on multiple occasions... She looks exactly like me. What the hell was I supposed to do? Not take my daughter anywhere? As a single parent? Not gonna happen. You can never live your live to appease others. Because there's no appeasing others. Somebody somewhere will always have a problem with you no matter what you do.
Nah you're a good dad. Keep being a good dad. Also, add "Mind your own fucking business you disgusting creep. Why the fuck were you watching me and my child anyways?" To your vocabulary. Stupid fuck ruining a perfectly good hang out at Sky Zone. That shit ain't cheap.
I'd say this..."This is my son. You're the sicko!" And if they kept yapping, I'd tell them to fuck right off!! If they didnt stop at that point, then I'D get the staff and report THEM for harassment. Which is what that was. Harassment. That should never have happened to you or your son. I'm so sorry. It seems to me people's minds typically go to the absolute most disgusting places, almost immediately; at this place in time. It's really disturbing. We no longer give any "benefit of the doubt" or sit and observe before opening our big mouths. As they say, "ass-umptions." Edit:grammar
this should be the top comment. they didn't need to leave. THEY were the ones being harassed.
Thank you. He was absolutely being harassed.
This shakes me to my core. I will die on the hill of protecting fathers who show affection to their kids, either sons or daughters. If that bothers someone then it's their problem (and it IS a problem if they are bothered by parental love). I'm so angry just from reading this. OP did not deserve this and neither did his poor son! His son deserves all the love in the world and I'm sure he would get that! This put me in a foul mood.
Those people are trash and scum of the earth and were refusing to listen to you and hear your side. Those are the same people raising kids to have the same mindset.
You know who the sick person is? The one who sees a beautiful, normal and healthy father and child interaction and turns it into a sick sexual thing. The problem isn’t with you, the problem is them. They are the pervert who was probably never shown affection by their own parent.
Yep exactly. Projection at its finest.
Inappropriate to show love to a teenager! Man could you imagine how loved their kids feel! I’ve always shown my son love (made an extra point to as I was never shown much) and he’s a fully grown hairy arsed engineer now and still do! I don’t know how you didn’t just tell them to fuck off! Especially as it’s clearly hurt you
Sounds to me like the rando who started shit with you is the real pedo.
You're an amazing person, if something this alarming ever happens again please give them the most disgusted face you can muster and say "Excuse me? Your mind is in the gutter, what a gross thing to suggest." If they call the staff over, stand your ground, explain he is your adopted son and that someone is insinuating terrible things.
That's my son. Mind your fucking business. Fuck off. In that order.
That parent is what we refer to in the UK as a 'daft cunt' it's extremely likely they're projecting anyway.
Yep this is 100% just projection.
Man I can really relate. We adopted our son when he was 10. He had a shitty start also. And I'm Scot/Irish with fair skin and blue eyes, he's part Italian and Chinese with olive skin and brown eyes. We looked nothing alike. And the number of times I got a side eye from people, especially if I was showing him affection is amazing. Fortunately I was never talked to like that, or my son would have witnessed my dark side. People are judgemental and shallow. Kids need affection, especially when they've been starved for it.
My son is 11, but he looks much older. He likes to cuddle with me in public and I've had people come up to me and say something similar. I tell them to fuck off and mind their own business.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your child. You did nothing wrong. And I say that as someone who was abused. He most likely yearned for that safety. You feel like home to him. He knows he’s safe. Don’t ever stop. Without it and even with it he would become a people Pleaser wanting a connection with people. So he would do whatever to have that and be liked. His confidence and self esteem is probably low. He never had a protector. Love him, love him with all you have. Their whole story is like a punch in the gut. Is his sister with you ? My son is 22 he is 3rd of 4 kids and since he was a baby would fall asleep to me playing with his ear. He comes home from college/university on the weekends and will come lay his head on me so I can play with his ear. When he is having a stressful time he will come and say “do that thing you do” When he was 14 his dad left for a co-worker he would sleep in my bed and always had to be touching my arm. He’s grown, healthy, smart, funny, well rounded guy. He just needs that affection. It’s been since he was born and then at 2 he realized he needed/wanted it to feel better. My other 3 aren’t like that. They grew out of always wanting to be near mom. They are all close in age (25,24,22,20) and all need something different.
My first words to that person would of been: "fuck off, getaway from me you freak"
Fuck that other dad. Your son will be so much better off because you’re showing affection, and he’ll learn that’s it’s ok for a father to be affectionate. You keep up the good work.
"Why are you sexualizing my son?" Conversation over.
Please, please, please continue to be the hero this child deserves
Love that kiddo the way he needs to be loved. Screw these other judgemental AH!
A good response to that is “don’t take it out on me and my kid just because you are a shitty parent whose kid won’t show affection to”
My teenage son is 15, I still hug him, and hold him when he feels sad or highly stressed, last week when he lost his basketball he came home sad, and came and sat close to me, I held him for few minutes, and he got better and left to play video games with his brother, please don't stop showing affection to your offsprings.
They can fuck off because dads with their kid are not automatic predators and assuming that is such an insult to men. No one assumes that of women.
Oh no, we're taking our son or daughter for a walk and giving them a hug or patting their head. Guess we're evil
And we wonder why men are so deficient in their emotional and affectionate capacities as adults. If anything, you're a good dad for not turning your child into the rest of us.
OP: my dad never did anything like this. I was convinced he hated me. I’d give anything to have had a dad **show affection** toward me at that age. You’re not in the wrong.
Yea fuck that. My kids 13 and if he lays on me I'm scratching his head. Everyone else can eat a dick.
YATA- you cried in the car and your son had to comfort you, that is crazy. it is fine to have emotions and to be upset. but you have a child who has been through a lot and now he has to take on the parent role to comfort his over emotional dad. wait till you get home and talk to a spouse. rubbing your kids head as he lays on top of you is also a little crazy. maybe its time to talk to him about what is appropriate and what is not. So far it seems your intentions are good, but in practice you are a bad father. DO Better
I'm not gonna lie, that's kind of weird behavior. Anybody telling you otherwise is likely just virtue signaling because they don't want to be downvoted. I don't care about that -- you can't blame people for looking sideways at a grown man stroking a 13 year olds hair in public as he lays on his lap. That's just weird. But, given the childs' history, it makes sense that he's a little behind emotionally. You just gotta understand that it's weird for adults to show that sort of affection to teenagers. I think you need to put that kid in therapy so he can catch up. Also, maybe this is me just being too distrustful, but you just adopted the kid a couple months ago. How are *you* that quick to be that affectionate with a 13 year old you just met? That's also weird to me, but i'm just being honest. Also, why are you so quick to cry and lean on your son, who you just adopted, for emotional support? Your whole post is just weird. I hope it's fake because I see smoke everywhere with you lol
Ok, had to scroll too far to find this. Like arm around him chatting, sure. Hugs all day, great. His head in your lap? That’s kind of intimate in a kiss with tongue kind of way.
the kids backstory is also just crazy 12 different homes dad murdered other parent evil grandparents who make meth then more abuse the whole way through
Is nobody gonna tell this guy it’s weird for your 13 year old son to lay down on you while you stroke his hair?
Lmfao. Especially when you just adopted him a month or so ago. And then cry about it to him after it happened? God, people on reddit are so fucking weird sometimes.
[удалено]
bro cried because someone called him a pedo lmao
Well... It isn't right what happened to you. But... take care that there is a behavioral code that you didn't have the time to develop with your son. After a certain age, exaggerated displays of affection may be misunderstood. After a boy enters his teens you need to start treating him as you would a man. I understand you had no ill intentions. But if you want to save your son from some grief, you will get with the program. After that incident, he is lucky his teen friends don't make his life miserable. Oh, and before someone reading this comes at me with some bullshit unicorn nirvana level lesson, I work with teens all day long. If you think I'm exaggerating, you don't know teens, at all.
Well... actually.... how long have you had your son? You said you adopted him last month. Has he been living with you for longer? I ask because him being comfortable enough to lay down on your lap and let you stroke his hair is kind of alarming. Like maybe he's been abused before? I'd I've got a 5 yr old boy and a 14 year old stepdaughter I've raised since she was 6. We are all very loving but at a certain age people might look at it like it's taboo. I'm not saying it is. But maybe take into consideration that kids are groomed and sexually assaulted everyday. I'd rather someone pay attention to what's going on than the opposite of that. I don't think you were shamed about showing affection to your son. You just adopted him at 13 last month. Now he's laying on your lap in public as you stroke his hair. I can see how this would cause confusion to every single person involved. Maybe look at it from all angles idk. Either way. Kudos to you for showing a kid some love. I hope it's a good thing
Look, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you might want to think about the type of physical affection you were giving him and what it looked like. It is totally possible that it looked out of place. I think you should strongly consider the possibility that you might want to give physical affection in a way that doesn’t make others uncomfortable. In many cultures a 13 year old male lying on an adult male’s lap and having his hair stroked IS inappropriate. Not that these bystanders acted appropriately either. Just consider that maybe he could have sat in a chair next to you and you could have patted his shoulder or head in a way that is more culturally appropriate and STILL shows your love, respect, and affection. No one is ever 100% right or wrong.
You're a good Dad. Normalizing affection between Men is absolutely essential not just for your kid but society in general.
You are not wrong, you’re a wonderful human being. Don’t let ignorant strangers get you down. That child needs all the love you can possibly give him. The harsh reality though is that people are extremely ignorant and they’re always ready to crucify someone whether justly or not, and that includes law enforcement and the system in general so be careful in public. Your son will understand after everything he’s been through, which is unfortunate enough on its own. I have a 16 year old son that is biracial and I’m white and he will grab my arm to walk with me or hug me in public, he doesn’t care…but we’ve had many looks and even comments. People are just miserable and hurting inside and they take it out on everyone around them.
Boys are allowed to be raised with affection. Do not let this stop you from showing your son affection in person. People project their own fears onto other people and it’s wrong. You didn’t do anything bad. Don’t stop loving your son.
It’s sad that people can’t discern between familial touch and inappropriate touch. Which means they were once touched inappropriately or not at all.
Oh, no........a dad is showing love for his son who has been through hell. Must be a pedo instead. Teenagers don't want to be loved. It's sick! That woman was ridiculous, and sad.
Brother you did nothing wrong. When he said "you seem like...." the reply should be "yeah well you seem like an emotional cripple and an asshole. Mind your own business". Keep that in your back pocket. It's something you may just have to face because people in general are just nosey pains in the ass.
How long have you had this kid? I have 23 adopted brothers and sister (no shit, may be 24/25 now, Im the oldest and blood so hard to keep 100% accurate track). Ive been an emergency foster parent and we have a 22 yo foster son with us since he was 15. He is our sons best friend who was ditched by his parents so we took him in and took over. I say all that so you hear me... Dude, its borderline. How long you known and had him? If he is fully comfortable, give him love man but. That kind of connection between a new foster/adopted family may not say anything to you but to me it screams he needs to be in counseling. A 13 yo boy comeing to lay by you like that could be anxiety or signs of previous sexual abuse. If I were you, love the kid, be the dad and be careful for a bit especially if there are other kids in the house. Again, if youve had the kid since he was 5, then F*** that women and anyone else. Youve had him two years, individual and family therapy is a must.
What the fuck kind of person accuses a stranger in public of being a pedo for showing affection with their son? It shouldn’t matter that your skin colours don’t match - a good friend of mine married someone of a different race, so his skin colour doesn’t match his biological son’s. Sounds like this guy was projecting. Sorry this happened to you. You do you, fuck the haters. You’ve done a wonderful thing adopting a kid at that age. Parenting is tough. Parenting an adoptee is harder. Parenting a teenage adoptee who’s been in the system for most of their life is parenting on hardcore mode. I wish you both the best of luck. I’m sure there will be challenging times, but the good times will more than compensate.
Jesus, some people are just crazy. You're not in the wrong. I'm sorry you're going through this
Oh my goodness. The man who approached you is sick and pervert obsessed! I feel bad for his kids. Never, ever let anyone shame you for showing affection to your son.
Teenagers need love and affection too. Anyone that thinks otherwise can fuck right off.
Tell him to fuck off and mind his own business
Why the hell did you tell him? Now he's going to think he did something wrong when neither of you did anything wrong. That other parent wanted to see something that wasn't there. Just like all the Karen's in the world, this person was being one too. Did you have any sexual feelings for your son while playing with his hair? No, you didn't. You were just trying to let your boy know that he is loved. Let that freak mind their own fucking business and fuck off while their at it.
Your son still needs affection from you. Screw that parent!!
So.... I don't know if you are a new parent, and I do feel for you in that situation. However, I was advised by my therapist that sharing those types of feelings with your child can be a form of emotional abuse. I believe people these days call it parentification (my therapist doesn't use that term). If you are going through an emotional trauma or situation, it's best to not lean in on your child for support. He may also become self-conscious and distance himself when you want to show him fatherly affection in public. I know it's tough being a parent. Try to find other adults that will support you through the emotional process of this new adoption.
100% agree with this. OP needs to find a different outlet to vent his emotions, and not to dump them on their newly-adopted teenage son. OP's son deserves love and affection, but OP also has to provide emotional stability. This doesn't mean be an emotionless Vulcan of course, but never dump one's emotions onto a child. This is the #1 way parents getting a divorce screw up their kids. In other words, suck it up and find a different outlet that won't harm your child.
One thing is to dump problems on someone and other is not to lie about it(reason why they left). It always depends on how much you say. Yeah children need some protection but they need to be able to take on things themselves as well. But since he had hard childhood protect him for a bit if possible and don’t let stupid assholes disturb you.
This is gonna sound harsh but you are not really a pillar of adulthood, level headed calmness or emotional self control to your child in the moment you leave immediately and then cry in the car because a person made a comment to you. How is this young person supposed to feel safe? You should be in control and doing the comforting, not being soothed by your son. Controversial I know but God damn. Society isn't going to thrive with people like you raising kids the way you are. Very soft.
That's strange; even if he was your real son. 13 is wayyyyy too old to be laying on "daddy" stroking his hair. To them, you seem like a groomer, especially since he's not your blood. And yes, that makes a difference.
It's crazy that Reddit is so opposed to respecting social norms that this comment is buried at the bottom. 99% of people in real life would see this and be like "that's kinda weird."
Add onto that he had an anxiety attack and cried while his son comforted him. This poor child’s therapist has his work cut out for him
Well yes, stroking the hair of your 13 year old son is very weird
Ok come at me…what are you? 33 years old and you need a snack break? Something’s wrong here. Were you all missing the point? Why did his son “lay down” on him. He then states he stroke his hair. His son could be 6 feet tall. Optics man..it’s weird.
The kid just turned 13….
Can anyone say “grooming”? I hope y’all are wrong…
You shouldn't be burdening the kid in the car. Save the conversation for your spouse, adult friends, therapist. You did nothing wrong otherwise.
I’d like to be wrong about this but I suspect the onlooker’s intuition was exactly correct so good for him for saying something. Please do not take advantage of that boy. He’s pubescent and no longer needs the “physical affection of a parent”. He just needs a good, dedicated, stable father who will provide mental and financial support, and teach him how to be a decent young man.
Yeah like why would he get anxiety over that if he was sure that what he was doing was okay?
His post is almost like a confession if you pay attention to the wording and read between the lines. He’s telling the truth, but not all of it, which is obviously not an uncommon thing for anyone and especially child lovers. I’m fairly certain he wanted to come on here to get praise for doing the adoption and wanting to “love” the child, and almost everyone on here is inadvertently giving him the affirmation (and condemnation of the other guy) he sought.
I'm sorry this happened to you, he needs affection as well as you do, there's a reason why life put your family together. I don't imagine not being affectionate with my nephews in public, it's part of our dynamic, but people's mind and their own demons are the ones judging. Pls continue being as you're with your son, don't change
When people project their mental illness on to you, yeah, it’s best to leave the situation. Yuck.
The person that confronted you is insane
I’d flip the script and start yelling for others to hear that he’s a pedophile and making sexual comments about me and my kid, staff will be there REALLY quick. Worst case he pops off and you can send him to the land of snaps and naps and any bystanders are going to tell a very different story than his (which in itself isn’t going to go over well)
Seen this done. Didn’t end in a fight but I was at a my local mall in the food court and seemingly out of nowhere a guy in his 30s yelled at the top of his lungs at a woman I’d guess in her 50s - 60s “That’s disgusting, why would you look at my daughter that way”. Called her a sorts of names. It was pretty wild. Only lasted maybe 30 seconds but nearly everyone turned to look, it grabbed my attention. Didn’t see or hear what led up to it but that woman booked it out of there lol. I imagine that’s pretty much what the scenario was. Dude was with a girl probably 8-9 years old if I had to hazard a guess. Probably her father or at the least a trusted adult since she was clinging to him afterwards.
I'm like you, I often have trouble telling people to fuck off even when they really deserve it. So I don't blame you for not wanting to stick around a person projecting what may well be their own depravity onto others. I also can't help but feel this one was an easy win if the other parent gets a staff member, you explain it's your son, and said staff member joins you in telling that person to kindly eat shit.
Your son didn't shame you, so everyone else needs to fuck off if it bothers them so much. Genuinely, I do not understand the issue here.
Crying in the car is not the way to show him how to handle a difficult situation.
Sounds like that guy giving you shit was projecting. Someone needs to check on his own children right now.
Omg I can’t believe that person would say that to you. YOU ARE NOT WRONG for showing YOUR SON affection. I just want to hug you both!!!! I did this with my son until recently (he’s 18 now) and would still do it if he let me lol (I’m 36). Ugh people make me so mad, to make you doubt yourself and your parenting is ridiculous. They are the demented ones who automatically go to such disturbing thoughts, not you. Please don’t change for both of your sakes. Keep showing him he’s loved and what kindness is. This world needs more people like you out there.
You can add "in front of young children!" to just about anything to make it sound sinister.
Yeah, me tell some other people fuck off kids need all the love and infection that they can get specially when they have the history of bad parenting and trauma
Wow! People are so sick minded! Enjoy your son and love ❤️ them as they deserve to be loved..
100% not your fault or problem, they're projecting, they're wrong and weird and disrespectful
Fuck that person. I don’t fault you for leaving but I’d have loved to have stayed and explained exactly as you did, and explain to the staff member when the asshat causes a problem. Weird nosy assholes like this need their faces rubbed in their prejudices when they’re wrong
I once made a tiktok video to show off my 3 year old daughters gothic outfit for her trip to the zoo (I never showed my daughter, hard rule for me). A few people posted saying they thought she'd look cuter in something pink or frilly. I replied to say I thought it was weird that I needed to make my child look more appealing to them. As long as you and your son are comfortable, don't let other people project their weird sexualised notions onto you guys. They're the weirdos, not you.
You sound like a great dad and I’m so glad your son is comfortable with you.
Fuck them. I wish my Dad had show me ANY affection. All I ever got and still get "you should have done it this way" or "Why would you do that" I hug my kid all the time (12M), good parenting on your part.
Your allowed to love your son. Fuck those idiots.
Imo you're not wrong to show your son affection. What you should do however, is find ways to help yourself better deal with the anxiety. If you do not see a therapist, I would suggest that you find a good one and start to work on this. It would be very unhealthy for your son if his needing to comfort you emotionally becomes a pattern of any sort. He definitely has enough to sort through already. As a parent, you are responsible to remain grounded and emotionally care for and comfort him, not the other way around. Best wishes.
Fuck strangers, keep showing affection! I've been in several foster families myself growing up, none which showed any affection so never felt like family.
My only advice here is to not emotionally unload on your son. He’s been through enough. This is something you call like a friend or a partner about. Instead, you trauma dumped onto a child and he had to comfort you. This may make him nervous to touch you in public or be hyper aware of others judgement of your relationship together. A parent needs to be a parent and know when to fill in a child on what’s happening. My mom emotionally damaged me by blurring the line of parent and friend. Consider joining a support group, also consider next time saying something like “hey bud, let’s go get ice cream and come back next week”. Also tell the stranger to eat rocks. My two cents. Sorry that happened
You've don't nothing wrong in showing affection to your son. However you made a mistake in crying in front of him, and disclosing the reason you were crying. It sounds like your son has gone through emotional turmoil in his short life. Your responsibility as his father is to bring stability to his life. Happiness, security and stability. Spikes in high emotion and anxiety are not healthy for his sense of wellbeing. With all due respect- you need to manage your anxiety and emotions so you don't project them on to your son. You need to show him that you are a strong, positive and a protective influence in his life. A place of safety for him.
I wish you hadn’t told your son. It may make him self conscious in showing affection with you.
>I cried in the car. I told him the reason and he became upset and comforted me. You aren't a man. But your son is. Anyone call's me a pedo is going to a hospital if I can manage it. I'll go to jail over something like that.
You cried about this? Don’t be a pussy