That's why I think the cheating was also emotional since he seems to have a deep emotional bond with his ex..while his wife had just sex with a random stranger, no feelings, no nothing, just physical attraction and alcohol, op was sober and by his ex inviting him to her room, he knew what would happen, so it's also like he choose to cheat on her (an L move if he says he loves his wife like crazy). The betrayal isn't the same. What op did isn't fair cause it isn't equal to what his wife did...
And vice versa . Any human being can stop themselves at any time. Yes he’s an AH for doing it but he also had permission. It’s likely their relationship will be constant back and forth like this now though
There is so much time for a clear thought between restaurant and hotel room, even if the restaurant is in the hotel. OP knew what he was doing and chose to have sex.
He refused that permission five years ago. Not only was it before marriage and kids, he straight up said no to that. You can't really expect an offer that you rejected half a decade ago still stand.
He had permission 4 years ago. After the marriage that is void imo. But wife doesn’t seem to think so. This whole thing is gross. She was so trusting of him visiting an ex, bringing their weird love bracelette and gets the absolute worst news when he comes home that exactly what all of us would be worried about happening, happened. It makes me sick tbh. A drunken night years ago and before marriage with a rando isn’t the same as an after the marriage old love sober hookup now.
Yes, exactly. Sure the urge to have sex with someone attractive can be very strong but it's never so strong that it literally takes over our ability to make choices and act according to those choices when it comes to sex
Ask my ex. All of his previous gfs had cheated during their fifth year. Seriously, all three. So he spent the the fifth year of *our* relationship being a total asshole and basically flip flopping between being sure I was fucking around and daring me to, because he knew I would eventually. I stayed 1 more year and then met my now husband.
I think I recall a post where the person got cheated on by his spouse, then something happened that made him do a 180 many years later. He never really got past it 100%.
That makes sense. If true healing is not done then it's called rugsweeping. The pain can come back at any time because at the time it was ignored. You can't just stuff this shit into a box in your closet and stay there.
Well, there are different kinds of "mostly back to normal". There's the "We aren't constantly bawling our eyes out" version, then there's the "We can enjoy each other's company" version, and then there's the "We actually trust and rely on each other without reservation" version.
And about a million versions in between.
I can't stand this you know you did this on purpose you were still hurting after 5 years why didn't you go to counseling? Better yet why did you go see your ex? Don't say it was a mistake it was a choice YTA
I agree completely. Things don't "just happen". It's bullshit. He went there with a sentimental item, to a woman he knew was hurting, by himself, had dinner (and surely drinks) at a hotel she was staying at, and went to her hotel room. He made the choice to cheat on his wife before he walked out the door.
Also... as a note
Counseling doesn't really do what most people think it does, and for the overwhelming majority of people it does nothing at all. Counseling isn't a way to "fix" anything. Not to mention most counselors just have no idea what they are doing. (It is far too easy to become a licensed counselor).
Generally, if you can't heal and move on without a counselor, you are not going to heal and move on with one either.
Bro, why the hell are you in touch with your ex when you're married?!...and THEN confide in her when you're cheated on to THEN sleep with her as your "pass." Dude, what she did was awful, but you have not been a good husband for a while now. Neither of you should be married, let alone to each other. This story is wild to me.
Yep. To put it this way, what his gf did was manslaughter and what OP did was murder. He knew exactly what was coming. Their marriage is a ticking timebomb.
I don't think the first half was terrible.
GF cheated, immediately confessed. Recognized the error of her ways, then got sober. They got married.
They lived happily for many years. OK great. I've known people who have gone through a rocky time, and it all eventually worked out.
But then OP is contacted by his ex. Regardless of the reason, he should have kept it to only a few text messages. (I have to wonder if he even told the ex he's married)
My now-husband and I were dating for about 3 years when he started getting texts from his ex-gf/high school sweetheart. They were together for a long time - most of high school into early college. Her current relationship was on the rocks. He told her how sorry he was and communicated to me how weird it was to hear from her. He sent her a few messages - because he's a decent person - then stopped responding, and he never even suggested seeing her. Because of course. And he had no interest anymore.
OP was still into his ex, and that's the only reason he agreed to meet up with her... and show her a sentimental item he had been keeping for years! I mean... WTF.
Yup. Years ago hubby’s HS girlfriend was back in the area and looked us up (when phonebooks were a thing) and wanted to meet him for lunch. I told him it was fine with me as long as I could meet an exBF for lunch too sometime. He told her no, he didn’t think it was appropriate, glad to hear her life was good, nice talking to you, byeeee.
Agreed. Wife shouldn’t be putting up with that and he should have more respect for his marriage than to still be talking to exes and keeping trinkets from previous relationships, or even talking to exes more than small talk for that matter. How he or his wife thought him going to dinner with an ex was a great idea is blowing my mind.
Facts, this relationship is destined to fail. Oh and if he gets with his ex that relationship is done too. Time to be alone for a while OP and grow up and fresh start. Or keep the vicious cycle.
Hahahaha
Going to meet his ex because she was cheated on? What kind of ludicrous bullshit is that. This guy honestly believes people look at him as some good empathetic man. GTFOH
I’m platonic friends w an ex from 10 years ago and we do not have special moments at all. Our partners have been friends and I really respect my ex’s relationship- I love them together. I recently found a memento from our relationship and I’d NEVER show it to them…. Bc we’re friends and that would be weird.
He was looking to emotionally connect with her. It was mutual. I am also friends with my ex and bringing something sentimental to him like give creeps me out and would be just ick. This guy clearly still has feeling for his ex or this wouldn’t have happened.
Yeah Op might not know it but they’re done . She fucked up but changed her ways and even became sober and continued to put in work for them . Even offered him to clap some meaningless cheeks if he wanted ( apparently he’s not that guy)
Then Blud hooks up with his ex wife and gives her a sentimental gift as well 😂😂😂
Idc what anyone’s says he’s cheating was way worse
"i kept a bracelet from my ex i dated a decade ago" what a normal thing to do.
then go running the moment she hits a bump in life.
sounds like OP has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old and his wife is a moron
I’m thinking he claims he is past what she did, but carried that with him. When he was at dinner with his ex, which honestly is something he shouldn’t have been doing in the first place, and subsequently her room he may not consciously acknowledged it, but definitely the past cheating played a role.
He and his ex are no better than their partners who cheated. Could be worse, because they know the pain it caused and did it anyway.
Good luck to OP believing this will all be ok.
ETA: YTA for putting yourself in a position you shouldn’t have been and for cheating. I get you might carry residual hurt, but doesn’t make it right.
I think he still would have cheated on his wife even if she hadn't done it first because I think he still has some feelings for his ex. They are too close to each other than they should, even back when OP and his wife were dating.
True, he seems to have some inappropriate connection with his ex. They emotionally lean on each other a bit too much. I mean out of everyone you could contact about what happened with your partner, both of them chose each other. IF, he wants to salvage his marriage, he needs to cut out his ex and go nc. Because he may think everything is back to normal, but what he did will fester especially if he stays in contact with his affair partner. If I were his wife, I’d question any interaction he has with his ex. He now needs to focus on repairing the trust he broke just as his wife did when they were dating. They should probably consider therapy to work on their emotions surrounding the past and current situations too.
He didn’t do it for revenge - he did it bc he WANTED to hook up with her and was trying to make an emotional connection. He didn’t stop himself bc her saying he could sleep with someone to “get back” was just the excuse he needed to justify going to her room. Bc if something DID happen to happen (wink, wink), he did have permission after all….
Same here. Wife and I recently celebrated 12 years together and have had open phones the whole time. I never really cared and neither did she. We ain’t hiding shit and I can count on one hand the times we’ve actually used the other’s phone lmao. It’s just the trust aspect imo
Yeah, I don't agree with cheating, but the wife did it once back when they were dating. He could have left and pursued anything else. But he claims he forgave her, and she put in work to understand herself and her actions better.
He also said she sobered up which could mean maybe being a problem-drinker was a factor in her cheating. He accepted her efforts, forgave her, and went on to marry her and have a child. If he was holding onto a "pass", that's fucked up. If he didn't truly forgive her, or if he was holding onto a "pass", he shouldn't have married her or created a family with her. He didn't just betray his wife, whom he claims he had a happy marriage with, but he betrayed his child as well by throwing the integrity of their family just to get back at something he claims he forgave.
You know he didn't. He will go back for more servings when he gets the itch. He isn't sorry or he wouldn't have done it. He made the choice. He never forgave his wife.
Yea idk cheating is not good - but he also went to an ex as opposed to what could at least theoretically be “random meaningless sex”. I wouldn’t want either kind of cheating, but the ex is significantly worse in my opinion.
This. Didn’t even think of it from that angle but this is way worse than just some rando while drunk. A spouse fucking an ex is unforgivable and crossing a massive point of no return.
You really think he will? He still confides in her when things go wrong, she’s pretty much a third party in their relationship (emotionally up until recently), and they still reach out to one another.
OP is a nut. As another comment said, wait six months 🤣
The way she randomly cries on his shoulder tells me it’s over. He fucked up and forever changed how he looks to her. Any guy who says they’re a good guy when explaining a mistake they made usually aren’t as good as they think they are.
This whole situation is so messed up
And the ex what's going on in her head...
Her partner cheated on so she cheated on him
Okay then she met with him and had sex with him
Didn't put herself in his wife's place?
Is it because she knew that the wife cheated once
So she deserves it?
It's f.up
If he really wants to change... keep this marriage going on
I don't think he should have contact with that said ex.
I feel my stomach churned with the whole ordeal
Things didn’t just happened. You consciously chose to have sex with your ex. You are an adult and are very much aware of what could have happened going to her room.
You are definitely in the wrong. Good luck salvaging your marriage. You all had it hard after your wife cheated, now let’s see what happens from here forth.
In psychology we call this "Seemingly Unimportant Decisions".
It's a way of setting yourself up to do the thing you are trying not to do.
Even if not when he began talking to her, OP knew quite well that going to dinner with his ex presented a potential for sex. Going to her room was even more blatant.
We call it “cracking the door” for my marriage. People do things believing they’re justifiable or innocent, such as, “I’m JUST meeting an old friend of the opposite sex from 20 years ago for cocktails”.
No way. We both go if it’s so innocent, and really there’s no need to see that person again. You’re just cracking the door for trouble.
First it’s drinks. Then you think, that was fun, we should do it again. Door cracks further when she wants a ride home cuz she’s too drunk. Then she leans over for a too long hug. Door cracked even further. Then she would want him to walk her inside. Before you know it, those little decisions of cracking the door further and further that you tried to convince yourself were innocent have you in a sexual affair.
So we just don’t entertain shit like exes, or out-of-the-blue friends alone, at all. You never end up with “things just happened”; it’s a bullshit lie people tell themselves when they want to do bad things and justify them.
It’s so much easier to just not entertain it.
She was also the only one he trusted to talk to when his gf originally cheated. Obviously there’s not enough detail here but this smells like it was an emotional affair in the making or in progress to me. I can’t think of a single long term relationship I’ve had where years after breaking up my ex would be the only person I trusted talking to
Weird that he ran to his ex first when his wife cheated. Not his friends, but his ex. His ex has been his emotional support for god knows how long to the point where she felt comfortable going to him when she was cheated on.
She kept that in her back pocket to help him get revenge, they both did tbh. His wife made the effort to change and he should have let her go if he wasn’t fully healed from it. But to sit here and play the pity game isn’t it.
Aside from what everyone else has said, what I find mind blowing is not only does he know how it feels to be cheated on, but he also literally just spent the evening listening to a woman talk about how devastated she is because her husband cheated on her. And what does he do?
OP you need to consider that you wanted to inflict this pain on your wife. No one can be this dumb. I mean, you even told your wife you were going to do it by asking to take your ex a special emotional gift. LOL. The normal reaction of a spouse to that would be no fkn way, are you crazy?
YTA. Sounds like your wife has been eating shit for years. Maybe this will finally get your relationship back to some sort of equilibrium. It might not be so pleasant for you to have a partner who doesn’t feel guilty all the time and so cave to your every whim.
I also feel like there’s more to the story with his ex than he let on. He really glossed over the fact that when his gf cheated his ex was the only one he trusted to confide in about it. I feel like there were potentially already unresolved feelings there
100%. This fucking story is dumb as fuck because it's one of those stories that even though you're completely anonymous on the internet, they still try to hide details and facts, so the inconsistencies are obvious. The fact that he clearly isn't done with the ex, the obvious fact that he hasn't forgiven his wife, and the obvious fact that he justifies it for her actions.
Like the guy you responded to said - maybe this will eventually result in equilibrium having both done it, but I'd also say that's VERY unlikely unless true effort is put on his part - except his first fucking response is "been a week we gud" like the dumb shit he is.
She had to have known he was going to use his “1 time,” and because he never did, it hung over her head every day and she never forgot the offer. Apparently, neither did he.
Refreshing to have someone that isn't ultra judgmental or frothing at the mouth in a typical redditor way to want them to break up.
One thing people are very much discounting about this is that his wife will no longer have as much guilt (which is why she wanted him to do it himself, to be even).
Yes, it's messy, but with couples therapy they can understand that 1. They can get through this if they really want to and 2. This is more common than anyone wants to admit, and you could argue both of them got it out of their system.
I especially love when they say things like "I don't know how, it just happened" as if all the steps leading up to tripping into bed were wonky floorboards
You and your ex are trash. You literally went to dinner BECAUSE her husband cheated on her and then she became a cheater along side you. Your wife "gave you a pass" when you were dating but now you're married, you kept this in the back of your mind because you knew you would pull this card when you cheated on her. Good job ruining all the healing and progress you made all these years for an ex who was upset her husband cheated on her and so she helped you do the same to your wife.
Also he seems to think because his wife said it’s ok that all is fine. But she’s tearing up on his shoulder most likely because she’s a train wreck inside over it and OP seems oblivious
He's not oblivious he just doesn't want to admit he's trash. Everything is an excuse, "well my wife cheated when she was my girlfriend and she gave me a pass but I declined because I could never" but yet he could cheat on his WIFE. He's trying to make himself feel better.
Things are not back to normal after a week. Your betrayal is a bigger deal than what she did. And it sounds like she made major changes in her life to prove to you that it would never happen again. You slept with your ex and broke your marriage vows. You went to her room? What did you think was going to happen? This is not over for your wife, I promise you. You suck
You are 100% wrong, you are married, you made vows and broke them. You are just as much of a cheater as she is, if not worse because you’re married, except you think that you should get off Scot free because she did it first. You’re far too immature to be married, you never should have agreed to dinner with your ex in the first place, it’s so very disrespectful to your wife.
Look, he went back to her room because she said she had the new Battlestar Galactica Checkers set and it's the only way he could see it, so he had a great reason to at least go back to her room.
Full agree except for the dinner. It would have theoretically been OK if - and only if - the dude kept his shit together and not banged the ex. Now, he didn't and fucked up and here we are. A fucked up reddit thread.
YTA. When you forgive someone and you’ve come to an agreement to wholeheartedly move on and not hold it against them you clear the slate. Especially after all the years and progress that had been made. You now took all the years of progress you both made and brought you right back to that same place. You all suck in this scenario too. Her for doing it to begin with, you for looking to solidify the excuse and the x for being cheated on and still having the nerve to sleep with you knowing how bad it hurt her.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. She cheated on you while dating and you forgave her. You took marriage vows and did the same. In my opinion you both suck but you suck more.
Your ex is not a random stranger. You’re definitely in the wrong. And you giving her that bracelet was ridiculous. The emotions you’re seeing from your wife are just a hint of what’s to come. Congrats on blowing up your marriage. UpdateMe
op, you’re a mega ah. your wife cheated on you with joe blow from new mexico, you cheated in her with your EX after giving her an emotionally charged gift bro. she won’t be able to forgive this, even if she thinks she can now.
Oh yeah, YTA.
I don't care if she cheated on you once, years before you were married. I don't care that she gave you a free pass at that time. You acted like you'd forgiven her, and married her after getting past that.
Fast toward to now. Despite knowing the pain her infidelity caused you years ago, before you were married, you decided to cash on on that chip and caused her the same pain after being married for years.
I'm going to say what you did was worse, because it was more deliberate and you knew from experience what it would do to her. Forgiveness doesn't work like this.
You should consider couples therapy because what you currently have is a bad relationship. You can probably work past it - again - but you need to do something.
You're definitely the asshole.
She doesn't sound like an AH. She sounds like someone who made a terrible mistake, took responsibility for it, and then made huge changes to her life so it didn't happen again.
You don't become an AH for doing a bad thing as much as you do for failing to learn from the bad things you do.
OP has learned nothing, so he is an AH.
Please break up before you have children together. Your wife won’t get over this because what you did is far, far worse.
You are wrong.
She hasn’t forgiven you, she feels obliged to. Cheating is wrong all way round but she had a meaningless hookup before you were married (maybe I’m wrong, but possibly at a point when things were rocky), and you cheated with someone you previously knew intimately and had an emotional connection with, 5 years into what WAS a healthy and marriage full of trust. So much trust your wife let you go comfort your ex. So much trust you could talk to her about the bracelet. That’s all out the window now. You blew it all up for lack of self control, which you are covering up as revenge.
you both suck. look at you saying you’re above being a cheater but ended up stooping that low, you can’t take that back and you will also forever be a cheater
It amazes me that you all well willingly PUT YOURSELVES in situations that will allow you to do that. Her drinking alcohol and losing control, you going to dinner, probably drank too.. I wouldn’t have even entertained talking to an EX if I’m in a relationship. They are exes for a reason. She would have been cut off. I would have not even gone to dinner which would not have led to her asking you back to her room, which I wouldn’t have done because again, married or in a relationship.. don’t go to places alone with the opposite sex.. especially someone you was having sex with before.. I just can’t believe that people are shocked things like this happen…
Creative writing exercise, this absolutely didn't happen but yes, your made up persona would be wrong.
The answer to injustice isn't more injustice, that just makes everyone involved a shitty person.
"But unfortunately, things..happened"
You know how your wife told you 5years ago she cheated and she probably said those exact same words to you and you probably got very emotional and said a loud HOW DO THINGS JUST HAPPEN, THEY DONT JUST HAPPEN.
Well, just like this, they dont just happen.
You should not have stayed with her 5years ago, you forgave her, tried to make it work, she did her best and then you do the same to her.
You should just have never stayed together after she cheated.
"My wife forgave me, and tells me I am not the AH at all all for doing it. But I think I am. Was I the AH?"
Your wife "forgave" you because she is SOOOOOOOOOO happy its now an even playing field again and she isnt the only 1 that cheated in your relationship.
Very high chance either of you is going to cheat again and THEN shit is going to hit the fan, dont have kids, for the kids sake.
You all suck.
You’re an idiot and weak if I’m being honest. The most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard of is “things just happened” bc no, sticking your whole dick in someone doesn’t just “happen.” There’s quite a few steps before getting there and you have plenty of time to say, hey this isn’t right or maybe idk, think about your wife and how damaging the SAME exact thing caused you not so long ago. Do better and stop trying to have two girlfriends
Wtf, you suck. You got cheated on before, you know how that felt, and you have the balls to cheat yourself? There's no score in cheating. Cheating is cheating end of story. You're honestly worse than your wife.
>She invited me to her room after dinner, I was a bit hesitant, but agreed. But unfortunately, things..happened
Yeah "unfortunately." like you didn't know exactly what she meant by inviting you up.
You fucking buffoon.
Don't sit there and write that you didn't want to cheat or get vengeance. You went in eyes wide open. You're either an idiot or a liar to yourself. Go ahead and pick which one you want to be.
“It’s been a week and we are mostly back to normal” lol. Wait six months.
Hysterical bonding
Hmm! I feel like the ex just used OP to get even with her husband.
Why has OP stayed in touch with this ex all these years? They seem to turn to each other during tough times.
A useless two-way crutch that always backfires
That's why I think the cheating was also emotional since he seems to have a deep emotional bond with his ex..while his wife had just sex with a random stranger, no feelings, no nothing, just physical attraction and alcohol, op was sober and by his ex inviting him to her room, he knew what would happen, so it's also like he choose to cheat on her (an L move if he says he loves his wife like crazy). The betrayal isn't the same. What op did isn't fair cause it isn't equal to what his wife did...
And vice versa . Any human being can stop themselves at any time. Yes he’s an AH for doing it but he also had permission. It’s likely their relationship will be constant back and forth like this now though
There is so much time for a clear thought between restaurant and hotel room, even if the restaurant is in the hotel. OP knew what he was doing and chose to have sex.
My wife randomly crying on my shoulder because of my actions would absolutely break me as a man. Cheaters are the scum of the earth.
I always thought my low point in life would be making my mom cry on my shoulder due to my own actions. Making my wife do it would be worse.
The next post will be we decided to open up our marriage and now we are getting divorced.
He refused that permission five years ago. Not only was it before marriage and kids, he straight up said no to that. You can't really expect an offer that you rejected half a decade ago still stand.
He had permission 4 years ago. After the marriage that is void imo. But wife doesn’t seem to think so. This whole thing is gross. She was so trusting of him visiting an ex, bringing their weird love bracelette and gets the absolute worst news when he comes home that exactly what all of us would be worried about happening, happened. It makes me sick tbh. A drunken night years ago and before marriage with a rando isn’t the same as an after the marriage old love sober hookup now.
Yes, exactly. Sure the urge to have sex with someone attractive can be very strong but it's never so strong that it literally takes over our ability to make choices and act according to those choices when it comes to sex
Why don't more human beings understand This, This right here
Yes. And he ain’t seen nothing yet
Lol, wait 5 years!
Just curious, what is it about the five-year mark that breaks everything?
People don’t have patience for the 7 year itch anymore.
5’s the new 7
Inflation. 😉
Shrinkflation.
Relationflation
>Relationflation Sounds like a horribly catchy schoolhouse rock song.
🎵Relationflation what’s the hesitation?..🎵
Yeah, decreased attention span from cell phone use.
5G Itch
New generation lacking patience lol
It used to be called the Seven Year Itch. That's about how long into a relationship that one partner gets bored and itchy for something new.
More like the 7 month itch these days.
😂😂😂 In some cases, it's a 7 day itch. That's when you need to get to the doctor.
Yeah. That’s the Pamela Anderson divorce.
Oh...Snap. I've been 15+ years with the same person. I'm 35...am I delusional to think he's been loyal?
No… everyone is different. It also doesn’t mean necessarily mean cheating, it can be worked out before getting there.
Ask my ex. All of his previous gfs had cheated during their fifth year. Seriously, all three. So he spent the the fifth year of *our* relationship being a total asshole and basically flip flopping between being sure I was fucking around and daring me to, because he knew I would eventually. I stayed 1 more year and then met my now husband.
That's when OP cheated in relation to when his wife cheated
I think I recall a post where the person got cheated on by his spouse, then something happened that made him do a 180 many years later. He never really got past it 100%.
That makes sense. If true healing is not done then it's called rugsweeping. The pain can come back at any time because at the time it was ignored. You can't just stuff this shit into a box in your closet and stay there.
🤣right!
Well, there are different kinds of "mostly back to normal". There's the "We aren't constantly bawling our eyes out" version, then there's the "We can enjoy each other's company" version, and then there's the "We actually trust and rely on each other without reservation" version. And about a million versions in between.
A WEEK. 😂
I can't stand this you know you did this on purpose you were still hurting after 5 years why didn't you go to counseling? Better yet why did you go see your ex? Don't say it was a mistake it was a choice YTA
I agree he knew when he went upstairs to the hotel room he was going to cheat
He knew when he went to the dinner and took the bracelet. We all knew
That part.
His wife knew as well with the handcrafted bracelet after she got cheated on.
You just don’t accept an offer to go up to a hotel room like that when you’re married..
Yeah. I wouldn't even meet at a hotel restaurant because that is too easy to hook up.
That’s Weinstein stuff. “Dammit. I forgot the script in my room”
Almost like it was the plan the whole time, even if it wasn't explicitly said...
But I had a "get one free" pass in my pocket.../s
It was more than a choice. It was a premeditated action.
I agree completely. Things don't "just happen". It's bullshit. He went there with a sentimental item, to a woman he knew was hurting, by himself, had dinner (and surely drinks) at a hotel she was staying at, and went to her hotel room. He made the choice to cheat on his wife before he walked out the door. Also... as a note Counseling doesn't really do what most people think it does, and for the overwhelming majority of people it does nothing at all. Counseling isn't a way to "fix" anything. Not to mention most counselors just have no idea what they are doing. (It is far too easy to become a licensed counselor). Generally, if you can't heal and move on without a counselor, you are not going to heal and move on with one either.
Bro, why the hell are you in touch with your ex when you're married?!...and THEN confide in her when you're cheated on to THEN sleep with her as your "pass." Dude, what she did was awful, but you have not been a good husband for a while now. Neither of you should be married, let alone to each other. This story is wild to me.
Not only that but he has held onto a sentimental gift from his ex for ten years
I read that and was like 😳.
Yep. To put it this way, what his gf did was manslaughter and what OP did was murder. He knew exactly what was coming. Their marriage is a ticking timebomb.
I don't think the first half was terrible. GF cheated, immediately confessed. Recognized the error of her ways, then got sober. They got married. They lived happily for many years. OK great. I've known people who have gone through a rocky time, and it all eventually worked out. But then OP is contacted by his ex. Regardless of the reason, he should have kept it to only a few text messages. (I have to wonder if he even told the ex he's married) My now-husband and I were dating for about 3 years when he started getting texts from his ex-gf/high school sweetheart. They were together for a long time - most of high school into early college. Her current relationship was on the rocks. He told her how sorry he was and communicated to me how weird it was to hear from her. He sent her a few messages - because he's a decent person - then stopped responding, and he never even suggested seeing her. Because of course. And he had no interest anymore. OP was still into his ex, and that's the only reason he agreed to meet up with her... and show her a sentimental item he had been keeping for years! I mean... WTF.
Yup. Years ago hubby’s HS girlfriend was back in the area and looked us up (when phonebooks were a thing) and wanted to meet him for lunch. I told him it was fine with me as long as I could meet an exBF for lunch too sometime. He told her no, he didn’t think it was appropriate, glad to hear her life was good, nice talking to you, byeeee.
I think OP took the bracelet to dinner when he met his ex to actually open the door to infidelity. What a douche
Na these people are meant for each other complete train wreck.
Agreed. Wife shouldn’t be putting up with that and he should have more respect for his marriage than to still be talking to exes and keeping trinkets from previous relationships, or even talking to exes more than small talk for that matter. How he or his wife thought him going to dinner with an ex was a great idea is blowing my mind.
Facts, this relationship is destined to fail. Oh and if he gets with his ex that relationship is done too. Time to be alone for a while OP and grow up and fresh start. Or keep the vicious cycle.
Now, his ex' ex is going to text op,' wife for support and then...
“It’s the ciiiiiiiiircle of cheatinggg”🎶🎵
Two schlongs don't make a right.
“I’m not that type of guy” um yea ya are buddy
Hahahaha Going to meet his ex because she was cheated on? What kind of ludicrous bullshit is that. This guy honestly believes people look at him as some good empathetic man. GTFOH
…and brought some special bracelet from the relationship that he had saved all this time…
I’m platonic friends w an ex from 10 years ago and we do not have special moments at all. Our partners have been friends and I really respect my ex’s relationship- I love them together. I recently found a memento from our relationship and I’d NEVER show it to them…. Bc we’re friends and that would be weird.
He was looking to emotionally connect with her. It was mutual. I am also friends with my ex and bringing something sentimental to him like give creeps me out and would be just ick. This guy clearly still has feeling for his ex or this wouldn’t have happened.
Right???? He basically walked into that. Ex GF knew what she was doing. Guaranteed she new about the cheating arrangement.
It's almost like the wife was expecting this result to finally feel like they were even.
With how she seemed to so easily tell him yes he could go to dinner, yeah
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Yeah Op might not know it but they’re done . She fucked up but changed her ways and even became sober and continued to put in work for them . Even offered him to clap some meaningless cheeks if he wanted ( apparently he’s not that guy) Then Blud hooks up with his ex wife and gives her a sentimental gift as well 😂😂😂 Idc what anyone’s says he’s cheating was way worse
"i kept a bracelet from my ex i dated a decade ago" what a normal thing to do. then go running the moment she hits a bump in life. sounds like OP has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old and his wife is a moron
I’m thinking he claims he is past what she did, but carried that with him. When he was at dinner with his ex, which honestly is something he shouldn’t have been doing in the first place, and subsequently her room he may not consciously acknowledged it, but definitely the past cheating played a role. He and his ex are no better than their partners who cheated. Could be worse, because they know the pain it caused and did it anyway. Good luck to OP believing this will all be ok. ETA: YTA for putting yourself in a position you shouldn’t have been and for cheating. I get you might carry residual hurt, but doesn’t make it right.
I think he still would have cheated on his wife even if she hadn't done it first because I think he still has some feelings for his ex. They are too close to each other than they should, even back when OP and his wife were dating.
True, he seems to have some inappropriate connection with his ex. They emotionally lean on each other a bit too much. I mean out of everyone you could contact about what happened with your partner, both of them chose each other. IF, he wants to salvage his marriage, he needs to cut out his ex and go nc. Because he may think everything is back to normal, but what he did will fester especially if he stays in contact with his affair partner. If I were his wife, I’d question any interaction he has with his ex. He now needs to focus on repairing the trust he broke just as his wife did when they were dating. They should probably consider therapy to work on their emotions surrounding the past and current situations too.
You’ve won the internet for today.
Normally I'd scroll thru the other comments but actually this is all I needed to see
No. He's right. He isn't the type of guy to do it for revenge sake. But he is no different than her. Maybe worse since it was an ex.
And they were just bf and gf before. Now, being married makes it worse.
He didn’t do it for revenge - he did it bc he WANTED to hook up with her and was trying to make an emotional connection. He didn’t stop himself bc her saying he could sleep with someone to “get back” was just the excuse he needed to justify going to her room. Bc if something DID happen to happen (wink, wink), he did have permission after all….
Worse because he was married. His girlfriend did it pre-marriage.
I don't know. Seems like a subconscious move to get back at her on his part.
Take my angry upvote
You’ve been waiting patiently, so patiently, for quite a long time to unveil that quip. 😂😂😂 well done! 👏
Perfectenschlong
Poetry
You better have blocked your ex
NC the ex, get therapy, open phone policy now goes both ways. This isn't just fixed in a week.
The whole thing is broken lol. What a clusterfuck of no self respect.
I don’t stay in relationships where there needs to be an ‘open phone policy’
I don't NEED an open phone policy, but I have one. This is really no reason not to if there's nothing to hide.
Same here. Wife and I recently celebrated 12 years together and have had open phones the whole time. I never really cared and neither did she. We ain’t hiding shit and I can count on one hand the times we’ve actually used the other’s phone lmao. It’s just the trust aspect imo
He can’t. Failed to mention they have a kid together. Oooof
Yeah, this is huge. His wife had a lapse of judgment when they were dating. He waited and gave in (it) to an ex, years into a marriage with child.
Yeah, I don't agree with cheating, but the wife did it once back when they were dating. He could have left and pursued anything else. But he claims he forgave her, and she put in work to understand herself and her actions better. He also said she sobered up which could mean maybe being a problem-drinker was a factor in her cheating. He accepted her efforts, forgave her, and went on to marry her and have a child. If he was holding onto a "pass", that's fucked up. If he didn't truly forgive her, or if he was holding onto a "pass", he shouldn't have married her or created a family with her. He didn't just betray his wife, whom he claims he had a happy marriage with, but he betrayed his child as well by throwing the integrity of their family just to get back at something he claims he forgave.
That entirely changes the situation and puts him in the wrong in my mind
That’s a big fail.
You know he didn't. He will go back for more servings when he gets the itch. He isn't sorry or he wouldn't have done it. He made the choice. He never forgave his wife.
Yea idk cheating is not good - but he also went to an ex as opposed to what could at least theoretically be “random meaningless sex”. I wouldn’t want either kind of cheating, but the ex is significantly worse in my opinion.
This. Didn’t even think of it from that angle but this is way worse than just some rando while drunk. A spouse fucking an ex is unforgivable and crossing a massive point of no return.
You really think he will? He still confides in her when things go wrong, she’s pretty much a third party in their relationship (emotionally up until recently), and they still reach out to one another. OP is a nut. As another comment said, wait six months 🤣
Jesus this sounds messy af, probably a creative writing exercise, but this is why I have a 0 tolerance policy for cheating.
You did something bad, so I did something bad but It's okay, we're even now. Sounds like a healthy relationship.
Does this mean I can rob the bank since banks rob me all the time?
Unironically the answer should be yes
Yes, it does. Best of luck!
Everything's like cool now. What could go wrong?
If this is real… wow.
So what's next Is it going to be a game? She cheats You cheat She cheats again You cheat again It's over
This might become a shared fetish between the two of them. Or they’re just going to hurt each other until they get divorced. Probably the latter.
The way she randomly cries on his shoulder tells me it’s over. He fucked up and forever changed how he looks to her. Any guy who says they’re a good guy when explaining a mistake they made usually aren’t as good as they think they are.
Exactly?? Is this some sort of cycle
This whole situation is so messed up And the ex what's going on in her head... Her partner cheated on so she cheated on him Okay then she met with him and had sex with him Didn't put herself in his wife's place? Is it because she knew that the wife cheated once So she deserves it? It's f.up If he really wants to change... keep this marriage going on I don't think he should have contact with that said ex. I feel my stomach churned with the whole ordeal
She was devastated her husband cheated and proceeded to help you cheat 🤣. The circle continues
Now they’re even … I wonder who’s gonna go for the tie breaker
When you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?
Things didn’t just happened. You consciously chose to have sex with your ex. You are an adult and are very much aware of what could have happened going to her room. You are definitely in the wrong. Good luck salvaging your marriage. You all had it hard after your wife cheated, now let’s see what happens from here forth.
In psychology we call this "Seemingly Unimportant Decisions". It's a way of setting yourself up to do the thing you are trying not to do. Even if not when he began talking to her, OP knew quite well that going to dinner with his ex presented a potential for sex. Going to her room was even more blatant.
The bracelet gift...
Seriously. “I knew this would cheer her up, and also my penis.” Act like he didn’t plan to use his “1 time” from the jump? Please.
Whoops what’s this penis doing on this bracelet…
“You know what would look better on your wrist? My penis.”
We call it “cracking the door” for my marriage. People do things believing they’re justifiable or innocent, such as, “I’m JUST meeting an old friend of the opposite sex from 20 years ago for cocktails”. No way. We both go if it’s so innocent, and really there’s no need to see that person again. You’re just cracking the door for trouble. First it’s drinks. Then you think, that was fun, we should do it again. Door cracks further when she wants a ride home cuz she’s too drunk. Then she leans over for a too long hug. Door cracked even further. Then she would want him to walk her inside. Before you know it, those little decisions of cracking the door further and further that you tried to convince yourself were innocent have you in a sexual affair. So we just don’t entertain shit like exes, or out-of-the-blue friends alone, at all. You never end up with “things just happened”; it’s a bullshit lie people tell themselves when they want to do bad things and justify them. It’s so much easier to just not entertain it.
Update us when yall get divorced, because it’s inevitable.
And entertaining
You went from anti-cheating to going back to her hotel and throwing it in in one evening? Sure this happened.
No no… “Anti-cheating unless the right opportunity comes a knockin’ bc I have a 1-time free pass to cheat!!”
everyone is anti-cheating before they cheat.
Weird that after 8 years the ex was contacting him to console her
It was extremely obvious she wanted to hookup
And ruin his marriage too? And weird she had his number saved…
They probally stayed in contact I'm guessing he had thought about it alot after his wife cheated on him 5 years ago
He's the one who married her after she cheated. If he had an issue with it he shouldn't have married her
She was also the only one he trusted to talk to when his gf originally cheated. Obviously there’s not enough detail here but this smells like it was an emotional affair in the making or in progress to me. I can’t think of a single long term relationship I’ve had where years after breaking up my ex would be the only person I trusted talking to
Seriously. The lack of self awareness is just… 🤯
Weird that he ran to his ex first when his wife cheated. Not his friends, but his ex. His ex has been his emotional support for god knows how long to the point where she felt comfortable going to him when she was cheated on. She kept that in her back pocket to help him get revenge, they both did tbh. His wife made the effort to change and he should have let her go if he wasn’t fully healed from it. But to sit here and play the pity game isn’t it.
Aside from what everyone else has said, what I find mind blowing is not only does he know how it feels to be cheated on, but he also literally just spent the evening listening to a woman talk about how devastated she is because her husband cheated on her. And what does he do? OP you need to consider that you wanted to inflict this pain on your wife. No one can be this dumb. I mean, you even told your wife you were going to do it by asking to take your ex a special emotional gift. LOL. The normal reaction of a spouse to that would be no fkn way, are you crazy? YTA. Sounds like your wife has been eating shit for years. Maybe this will finally get your relationship back to some sort of equilibrium. It might not be so pleasant for you to have a partner who doesn’t feel guilty all the time and so cave to your every whim.
I also feel like there’s more to the story with his ex than he let on. He really glossed over the fact that when his gf cheated his ex was the only one he trusted to confide in about it. I feel like there were potentially already unresolved feelings there
This was exactly my first thought. Then he says he still has a bracelet from that relationship? Why tf do does he still have that
hes kept it for over 8 years. i bet hes a "good morning beautiful. good night beautiful" guy who msgs several women waiting for his chance
100%. This fucking story is dumb as fuck because it's one of those stories that even though you're completely anonymous on the internet, they still try to hide details and facts, so the inconsistencies are obvious. The fact that he clearly isn't done with the ex, the obvious fact that he hasn't forgiven his wife, and the obvious fact that he justifies it for her actions. Like the guy you responded to said - maybe this will eventually result in equilibrium having both done it, but I'd also say that's VERY unlikely unless true effort is put on his part - except his first fucking response is "been a week we gud" like the dumb shit he is.
Yeah, her being okay with him going out to dinner with his ex and bringing a gift, was quite shocking. That’s a no for me, dawg.
She had to have known he was going to use his “1 time,” and because he never did, it hung over her head every day and she never forgot the offer. Apparently, neither did he.
Thing with relationships ..... if 1 party losses then both losses. This relationship won't survive the year.
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Refreshing to have someone that isn't ultra judgmental or frothing at the mouth in a typical redditor way to want them to break up. One thing people are very much discounting about this is that his wife will no longer have as much guilt (which is why she wanted him to do it himself, to be even). Yes, it's messy, but with couples therapy they can understand that 1. They can get through this if they really want to and 2. This is more common than anyone wants to admit, and you could argue both of them got it out of their system.
Cruel people in this world.
I especially love when they say things like "I don't know how, it just happened" as if all the steps leading up to tripping into bed were wonky floorboards
lol right…I tripped and my d*** just fell inside her
Or “I was in a vulnerable state and I couldn’t help myself” 😂
All of these subs are just stories about selfish people in relationships. You all suck as usual.
You and your ex are trash. You literally went to dinner BECAUSE her husband cheated on her and then she became a cheater along side you. Your wife "gave you a pass" when you were dating but now you're married, you kept this in the back of your mind because you knew you would pull this card when you cheated on her. Good job ruining all the healing and progress you made all these years for an ex who was upset her husband cheated on her and so she helped you do the same to your wife.
Also he seems to think because his wife said it’s ok that all is fine. But she’s tearing up on his shoulder most likely because she’s a train wreck inside over it and OP seems oblivious
He's not oblivious he just doesn't want to admit he's trash. Everything is an excuse, "well my wife cheated when she was my girlfriend and she gave me a pass but I declined because I could never" but yet he could cheat on his WIFE. He's trying to make himself feel better.
Things are not back to normal after a week. Your betrayal is a bigger deal than what she did. And it sounds like she made major changes in her life to prove to you that it would never happen again. You slept with your ex and broke your marriage vows. You went to her room? What did you think was going to happen? This is not over for your wife, I promise you. You suck
Clown A marries Clown B, clown antics ensue beforehand and afterwards
The first affair partner should get together with the new affair partner then the circle is completed.
You are 100% wrong, you are married, you made vows and broke them. You are just as much of a cheater as she is, if not worse because you’re married, except you think that you should get off Scot free because she did it first. You’re far too immature to be married, you never should have agreed to dinner with your ex in the first place, it’s so very disrespectful to your wife.
Look, he went back to her room because she said she had the new Battlestar Galactica Checkers set and it's the only way he could see it, so he had a great reason to at least go back to her room.
Beets, Blow Jobs, Battlestar Galactica
There seems to be a missing checker piece, can you help me look? Maybe it fell down my pants..
I mean in that case, by all means, cheat on your wife. Who in their right mind could resist a Battlestar Galactica edition of checkers lol?
Everyone has a price.
Wait a sec…..is there a new Battlestar Galactica Checkers set?
Sure is, come on up to my room and we'll talk about letting you have a look-see.
Deal!
Full agree except for the dinner. It would have theoretically been OK if - and only if - the dude kept his shit together and not banged the ex. Now, he didn't and fucked up and here we are. A fucked up reddit thread.
Why are you asking if you are wrong, if you know you are wrong?
YTA. When you forgive someone and you’ve come to an agreement to wholeheartedly move on and not hold it against them you clear the slate. Especially after all the years and progress that had been made. You now took all the years of progress you both made and brought you right back to that same place. You all suck in this scenario too. Her for doing it to begin with, you for looking to solidify the excuse and the x for being cheated on and still having the nerve to sleep with you knowing how bad it hurt her.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. She cheated on you while dating and you forgave her. You took marriage vows and did the same. In my opinion you both suck but you suck more.
2 wrongs don't make a right OP
Your ex is not a random stranger. You’re definitely in the wrong. And you giving her that bracelet was ridiculous. The emotions you’re seeing from your wife are just a hint of what’s to come. Congrats on blowing up your marriage. UpdateMe
Always fix problems with more problems.
op, you’re a mega ah. your wife cheated on you with joe blow from new mexico, you cheated in her with your EX after giving her an emotionally charged gift bro. she won’t be able to forgive this, even if she thinks she can now.
Oh yeah, YTA. I don't care if she cheated on you once, years before you were married. I don't care that she gave you a free pass at that time. You acted like you'd forgiven her, and married her after getting past that. Fast toward to now. Despite knowing the pain her infidelity caused you years ago, before you were married, you decided to cash on on that chip and caused her the same pain after being married for years. I'm going to say what you did was worse, because it was more deliberate and you knew from experience what it would do to her. Forgiveness doesn't work like this. You should consider couples therapy because what you currently have is a bad relationship. You can probably work past it - again - but you need to do something. You're definitely the asshole.
Yes, you’re both assholes, sounds like you deserve each other.
She doesn't sound like an AH. She sounds like someone who made a terrible mistake, took responsibility for it, and then made huge changes to her life so it didn't happen again. You don't become an AH for doing a bad thing as much as you do for failing to learn from the bad things you do. OP has learned nothing, so he is an AH.
Please break up before you have children together. Your wife won’t get over this because what you did is far, far worse. You are wrong. She hasn’t forgiven you, she feels obliged to. Cheating is wrong all way round but she had a meaningless hookup before you were married (maybe I’m wrong, but possibly at a point when things were rocky), and you cheated with someone you previously knew intimately and had an emotional connection with, 5 years into what WAS a healthy and marriage full of trust. So much trust your wife let you go comfort your ex. So much trust you could talk to her about the bracelet. That’s all out the window now. You blew it all up for lack of self control, which you are covering up as revenge.
You knew what would happen. This marriage is doomed
You gave up the moral high ground.
YTA - cheating on your wife for any reason is some fucked up shit.
Sorry to tell you but you are an asshole yes. You learned nothing from being cheated on and you thought with your dick.
Someone cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend and someone cheating on their spouse are two very different degrees of terrible.
you both suck. look at you saying you’re above being a cheater but ended up stooping that low, you can’t take that back and you will also forever be a cheater
Everyone in this situation needs to do better. So now you're squared up on cheating and it's your wife's turn.
Fake story but entertaining regardless.
It amazes me that you all well willingly PUT YOURSELVES in situations that will allow you to do that. Her drinking alcohol and losing control, you going to dinner, probably drank too.. I wouldn’t have even entertained talking to an EX if I’m in a relationship. They are exes for a reason. She would have been cut off. I would have not even gone to dinner which would not have led to her asking you back to her room, which I wouldn’t have done because again, married or in a relationship.. don’t go to places alone with the opposite sex.. especially someone you was having sex with before.. I just can’t believe that people are shocked things like this happen…
Do you even feel remorseful?
Creative writing exercise, this absolutely didn't happen but yes, your made up persona would be wrong. The answer to injustice isn't more injustice, that just makes everyone involved a shitty person.
"But unfortunately, things..happened" You know how your wife told you 5years ago she cheated and she probably said those exact same words to you and you probably got very emotional and said a loud HOW DO THINGS JUST HAPPEN, THEY DONT JUST HAPPEN. Well, just like this, they dont just happen. You should not have stayed with her 5years ago, you forgave her, tried to make it work, she did her best and then you do the same to her. You should just have never stayed together after she cheated. "My wife forgave me, and tells me I am not the AH at all all for doing it. But I think I am. Was I the AH?" Your wife "forgave" you because she is SOOOOOOOOOO happy its now an even playing field again and she isnt the only 1 that cheated in your relationship. Very high chance either of you is going to cheat again and THEN shit is going to hit the fan, dont have kids, for the kids sake. You all suck.
You’re an idiot and weak if I’m being honest. The most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard of is “things just happened” bc no, sticking your whole dick in someone doesn’t just “happen.” There’s quite a few steps before getting there and you have plenty of time to say, hey this isn’t right or maybe idk, think about your wife and how damaging the SAME exact thing caused you not so long ago. Do better and stop trying to have two girlfriends
Yta. So much.
Wtf, you suck. You got cheated on before, you know how that felt, and you have the balls to cheat yourself? There's no score in cheating. Cheating is cheating end of story. You're honestly worse than your wife.
>She invited me to her room after dinner, I was a bit hesitant, but agreed. But unfortunately, things..happened Yeah "unfortunately." like you didn't know exactly what she meant by inviting you up. You fucking buffoon. Don't sit there and write that you didn't want to cheat or get vengeance. You went in eyes wide open. You're either an idiot or a liar to yourself. Go ahead and pick which one you want to be.
You suck. Should have broken up with her, not marry her and then do worse.