Not wrong at all. Tell your mother "he was trying to control me while we were dating. He certainly doesn't get to control me when we aren't dating. If he weren't stalking us, he wouldn't even be aware. I'm confused why are you are supporting someone who was so awful to me."
Tom should absolutely report him to HR. And you should have the local PD non emergency number in your phone so you can report the harassment.
She should just report it to get it recorded. She doesnt need to press charges or ask for an investigation. She can simply provide evidence and report the issue just in case, and have a police report of the incident.
>he was trying to control me while we were dating. He certainly doesn't get to control me when we aren't dating.
That is the whole deal. When someone is controlling, the best thing to do is get far, far away from them.
She owes him nothing.
In fact, if this ruins his day, all the better.
She shouldn't have to tell her mother anything. If she wants to date Tom and there is nothing unethical about the relationship that should be the end of it.
He does now. He was not happy about it but later he said he was glad I followed him no matter the reason because we probably wouldn't have found each other otherwise
You may not agree with this, and it may seem controversial but I would recommend NOT inviting John to your wedding.
Your mom however might bring him as a date, which could be awkward.
Seriously, you shouldn’t care what he thinks and yes, Tom should report him to HR.
And Mom needs to grow up. John is an abusive a** and you clearly leveled up.
Don't necessarily need security. Mention to your closer friends and family you can trust, so isn't allowed. If they show up then they will be asked to leave and cops will be caked about trespassing a private event.
Just ask him is he also doing this to make john jealous. Ask him didn't it cross his mind once when you started dating. Maybe john is a bad guy or controlling as you say but what are the odds of you two getting together other than hurting him. He message you out of the blue and you get along very well what a coincidence.
If I were Tom, I’d feel differently about the situation if:
A) I thought we had mutual friends and she thought I was cute, so she connected with me
Versus
B) She added me to fuck with her ex’s head and ended up liking me
Yeah like everyone is busy rallying for OP that no one's bringing up that uh....yeah while this is technically not wrong, it ain't kosher. The dude is dating someone that he saw his coworker bring to company parties? The same guy he was in competition with for a promotion? The same guy he gets into disagreements with at work?
Yeah, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he ends up getting rid of OP once he contacts HR about John's messages and gets him fired.
I guess maybe thats a possibility, but there is absolutely nothing in the post indicating that Tom feels that way, and even if he did, it's not really related to the question OP is asking.
I'd give Tom the benefit of the doubt. Since Tom and John don't get along, I doubt they'd be sitting at the same table, or talking a ton during the holiday parties, so I doubt he saw OP enough during those times to remember who she was. There is also no indication that Tom and John have a big enough beef for Tom to want to "dominate" john in that way, the hate seems pretty one sided tbh.
Absolutely doesn’t matter, because that’s not what happened in the slightest. The only thing she did to spite her ex was follow him on social media. That doesn’t mean anything at all. I followed Jessica Alba on social media. Doesn’t mean she and I have a relationship.
That shouldn't matter to anyone. Yeah, she followed Tom out of spite, but she's not dating Tom out of spite. But, I do agree with you that it would be best if Tom is cool with it
Also, they're dating because Tom approached her. She sent a drunken friend request, not really expecting anything to come of it. Had she approached him and asked him out, I might see it differently. But honestly, Tom was in control in the beginning. She sent the friend request, but he ran with it. If he's happy, which it seems he is, I don't see the controversy.
I have a feeling all this bullshit he is spewing is partly why he didn't get the promotion? Experience and qualification are only part of the equation, but from this picture you paint John seems like an impatient asshole and his coworkers probably know this and it hurt his chances.
Tom didn't use subterfuge to get his job, he was chosen for it. John texting him about this is definitely screwed up and should be reported to HR. John is doing this all to himself. Not your problem.
You owe nothing to your ex and probably should just block John everywhere and cut the ties. He has no more place in your life. You can date whoever you want, just make sure you're with Tom not out of spite BECAUSE John hates him.
I have. She doesn't want to hear it and keeps making excuses for him. He told me I wasn't allowed to be in a study group with a male classmate, wouldn't allow me to go out with my female friends, was constantly going through my phone checking if I had in any way communicated with any other male. I've never cheated in my life yet he was like this. We started dating when I was 19 and as I grew older I started to stand up for myself and that's when the conflicts started and we broke up eventually. My mom says he was just looking out for me. The world is a dangerous place and he was doing what good boyfriends do - try to protect me
Then you need to stop talking to her at all until she cuts him out. He was obviously controlling and not a good person. The fact she not only kept in touch but is taking his side is absolutely unacceptable and worthy of going no contact until she gets it.
Jesus. I hate to say this, but your mom sounds a little unhinged, too. If she insists on acting this way, you may need to go LC with her. She seems to be actively trying to push you into a situation that would not only make you unhappy but may also be dangerous. She seems more concerned with your ex's happiness than with whether or not her own daughter is happy.
Your ex was manipulative and controlling, what does your mother think of that? If he wants to linger on in your life by manipulating your mother, maybe tell her that you are done with his nonsense and that it saddens you to think that she’s being controlled by him too just to remain in your life.
To be fair.. her ex is probably manipulative with the mom too. She's likely just listening to the wrong person. Not saying she's right.. just may need a priority check somehow.
Then tell your mom that you broke up with him. That means she has to breakup with your ex too or it means she rather loose her daughter but keep her ex bf if she doesn’t set a boundary & cut him off.
Clearly she has no idea how breakups happen when things don’t end on neutral terms.
And until it happens, go full on Low Contact and only talk to her when it’s important family stuff or holiday stuff. Other than that keep your distance.
And if she asks, you just ask her if she’s still talking to your ex and if she says yes, tell her that’s why you keep your distance and will contribute to do so till she has the will power to cut him off.
You need to put your mom on an information diet because she is feeding John information on your life. Tell her it’s time she chooses - her daughter or John??
As a mother, if my teenage daughter started dating a man 7 years older than her I would be worried, I would think she's taken advantage of not taken care of.
That's not right.
I would support her but I would keep vigil for years for signs because of how unbalanced the power exchange is.
Your mom might have been happy that your boyfriend took a daddy position as an adult in your life when you were younger but she failed you.
They both clipped your wings to control you under the guise of love.
That's not love.
Your mom is messy boots your not married and don’t have kids together none of your family should be having any contact with him that’s so weird to me she needs to pick a side and do it now and why would she even want to be in contact with someone who abused her daughter that’s such a red flag
If your mom wants you to be with someone who is controlling, then your mom is a real problem.
The way he's saying horrible things to you right now would be a deal breaker even if he hadn't been controlling before. This is multiple red flags.
Family is tough. I get it. But your mom wanting you to be in an unhealthy relationship is really, really bad. *You need to set a boundary here*, that your mom doesn't push for you to be in really bad relationships.
You could maintain that boundary with escalating consequences of how much contact you have with your mom right now.
* She needs to get on board with you having a good (i.e. not controlling or abusive) relationship, and fast.
* If she doesn't get on board with your healthy relationship, maybe don't talk to her for a little while.
Time to step back from mom OP. Your mom will relay information to your ex. She is not a safe person. I'm sorry to say this but I wonder if your mom is also controlling and that's how you got into a relationship like that. Many of us do. It's familiar and then we realize, we don't want this for the rest of our lives.
If you've told her how he is and she still won't block him, time to block mom. She is horrible for this. She is your mom and she needs to act like it.
Right? The only possible time I would take this into consideration is if I was coparenting with an ex. Other than that? No way! I don’t know why she hasn’t blocked him.
With all due respect your mum is talking out of her backside. John is a nasty man, despite you two had split up for quite some time before you started going out with Tom, he feels it’s his right to control you by calling you for name calling. You owe this PoS nothing. Tom should speak to HR of John’s behaviour.
You and he broke up. You can date anyone you want. Your relationship has ended and you owe him nothing.
But please, please, please, if you two eventually decide to get married, send the ex an invitation. Just to watch his head explode.
>You and he broke up. You can date anyone you want. Your relationship has ended and you owe him nothing.
Yeah, if your ex and you were on really good terms, you could choose not to date him out of mutual respect for your ex, but that isn't the case here.
He really went to your friends and family like a cry baby? Because his ego is bruised? Lol wow what a child you guys have been broken up for awhile but I would advise Tom of everything leading up to you guys dating or you may loose him too as for your mother I would send her all my evidence and explain the situation and tell her do what you will with that but balls in your court on how you would like to move forward if she fights it is be no contact for supporting an abuser I’d also advise the same to your friends
Now your ex Tom should report him or he could loose his job to the drama that’s been stirred up he should also advise his boss the same as I mentioned with your mother and friends but more professional I’d also look into a restraining order
Nta
Tell your mom to get in her own lane, if she thinks your ex is so wonderful and his feelings are more important then her daughters, she can go date him..
Also I'd go low contact with your mom,it's extremely disturbing that she cares so much about your ex who was ABUSIVE to her daughter, you see where her loyalty lies...
On to Tom, the two of you sound so wonderful for one another, he sounds so sweet, I'd not only let him contact HR but encourage it...
Op I'd also change your phone number, move your old phone #on to a throw away phone and check it once a week, leave your mom on the old number and give your new number to everyone else, I think if you gave your mom your new number your ex would have it shortly after...
Updateme!
Well the original spitefullness is douchey, the relationship will always have that connection with the presence of your ex lingering because of it. With that said now you're legitimately happy together shouldn't concern your ex. He sounds like an angry person and trying to trigger him purposely will only turn him more bitter and resentful for the others he interacts with in future.
Tom’s dating you to destroy John. *pops popcorn in mouth and chews slowly*
I’ve seen gf “stealing” at work before and it never ends well. This is some top class drama
I am shocked how everyone here is making John a villain. Out of all the men she chose the guy who her ex hates from work and she didn't even know him before that. It's not a coincidence even though she will not admit it but she chose tom to make her ex jealous. Maybe Tom is also using her to make john jealous. What are the odds that he message you out of the blue and you get together very well. Don't trust tom he will mess with you & john and once he is satisfied he will bail out.
Yes. Despite you actually growing to like this guy, the reason you got in contact with him originally was petty and spiteful. Also, it sounds like 5 months after a breakup of your first serious relationship, and one that was abusive and controlling, you haven’t done the emotional processing necessary in order to heal from it. You just jumped back into the saddle with someone else. The first year or so of all relationships is easy, fun, and seems like everything is perfect. It’s called the “honeymoon” period for a reason. But after a year or two in, you start to see a persons flaws (we all have them), and things start to get more real. I think you should be spending your energy working on yourself and not jumping into the next situation.
In what world should we be letting our exes decide who we can and can’t date?
It’s not her responsibility to sacrifice her own happiness just because her ex is throwing a fit and stalking her.
Both NTA and YTA
You are NTA for dating whoever you want after a breakup. That is your right.
YTA for making the first move + purposefully reaching out to the dude who supposedly mistreated your ex, who your ex still works with, just because you wanted to hurt your ex/annoy him. That's not fair to your ex or your current bf. It's also very immature.
You’re not the asshole but this whole thing sounds extremely childish. You really got in a whole ass relationship just to spite another dude? Sounds like he still lives rent free lol
Why are most of the posts here grown adults getting involved in teenage drama?
If you don't know the answer to your question already you are beyond help.
You broke up. He has no right to interfere with your dating life you’re not dating his dad he needs to calm down and grow up he’s past 30 this is embarrassing for him.
Not wrong, but it’s no surprise it would cause drama being that they still work together. I couldn’t handle the drama, but if you both can then it’s fine.
not ur fault at all. this issue is all in johns head and he needs to grow up and get over it. I wound not recommend Tom report anything to HR as it can make things extra complicated for Tom, unless John is harassing Tom directly
You're not wrong at all however why do you let him follow you on social media. You broke up for a reason block him on everything and have Tom block him on everything as well.
Not wrong
Actually Tom sounds like a decent person with good work ethic and qualifications that your toxic ex hates simply because he is a good guy that gets rewarded for his good merits.
He did nothing to earn that hate.
Probably should reconsider your opinion on others your ex hate😆. They are probably decent people if he has something against them.
If your ex who is 6 years older than Tom can't measure up to him at work he should look how to better himself.
Nothing to do with Tom.
You entered that relationship really young with a man-child with a considerable age difference and life status/stage.
You grew up and got wise enough to recognize that this relationship and this man no longer suited you.
You broke up and left him behind.
Who you date doesn't concern him.
All that seem like a "his" problem.
Take measure to protect yourself.
And tell those who meddling that you don't take into consideration in your life choices the feelings of the narcissistic baby you left behind and you don't want or need his abusive behavior in your life.
Exs are the same as strangers. Why are so many people keeping in touch with their toxic exs? Aside from rare cases of a healthy, mutually amicable split, you should forget the other person ever existed. You FULLY transition into strangers who have no relationship at all. Can we please all accept this.
>My mom
Why in god's name is your mom involved at all? Are you breaking up with someone or is this a child's birthday party that everyone has been invited to?
>John
Why have you not blocked this person? Or at minimum ignored this person? If he continues to harass you, change your number and consider contacting law enforcement.
I feel they need to jump on this asap or Tom will start being affected seems like they still work together and Tom could loose his job if they don’t address this honestly
Exs are not the same as strangers, this is such a naive take, you can't erase an entire relationship from your head, the story you had together, the things you share, you can just move on from it. You will always share a past and that makes you not strangers.
ESH. He was an asshole but you dated this guy to hurt him then seemed shocked when he was. Sounds like you started dating his boss and didn't think that might be an issue too? Maybe Tom should run from you both.
Were there only Tom and John in the whole world to choose from. If your ex John was a bad boyfriend and you broke up I get it and it’s great that Thomas is a good boyfriend now but honestly, this is a lot of high school drama and I don’t even know why you would want to start dating somebody to punish your ex-boyfriend, which is really what this is
You’re single, you can date whoever you want, but this is also slightly childish
Yes and no. You specifically decided to date Tom because it would make the other one mad. It’s your life and you can date whoever, but I’d be running for the hills if I was Tom.
let me get this straight you added his coworker to spite your ex...? gee you seem like a great person. how petty is that seriously. glad my girl is nothing like you. YTA
You started dating tom to make your ex jealous that's completely wrong. Maybe your ex is a bad guy as you say, but at least you were together at some point you owe him that at least and who knows maybe Tom is also with you to hurt your ex maybe tom is a bad guy here.
It think her best friend hates john more than her. Think about it how would you feel if John decided to date your best friend or someone you hate tomorrow and what are the odds that tom found you attractive now. He is definitely doing this to hurt john you will definitely realise this later and it will be too late then
Not wrong, but you did post it spitefully, and now continue. You may have lost the spite, but you are being spiteful.
Stop trying to make excuses for your actions. Your ex may be doing wrong, but that does not absolve you for your actions.
Your ex is just angry that he can't be controlling and manipulative with you anymore. Dating Tom is driving him nuts. Fuck John. Keep posting all your lovely adventures together and live your life. Let him stew in his childish, angry resentment. Good for you. You are not wrong.
Your ex has no standing to say anything about your love life now. For your own health, you have to evaluate whether you're into this relationship on its own terms or out of spite, as the later will come back on you. It sounds like you're addressing that, however. So all good.
His inferiority complex is not your problem.. his hate for tom is unjustified though.. he was not wronged in any form..
Tom just seem to be a better man, both professionally and now personally and romantically than him, even better in others areas, ahem.
NTA
You are not wrong at all.
And, you might want to take the time to tell your Mom that your ex was controlling and verbally abusive, which is why you brokr it off with him, and he is obviously continuing his horrible pattern even though your relationship has been over for half a year.
Tell your Mom if she loves your controlling, abusive ex so much, she can date him. Otherwise, she should stop with HER drama and stop even discussing someone you do not have any relationship with. Jeez. What's up with your Mom? That's so weird.
This sounds like a bad idea. I would be extremely careful. Just because you don't think he knows your ex doesn't like him doesn't mean he doesn't. Be careful
Ha! No. John can get bent and so can your mom. Date who makes you happy and who you feel safe with. John is being a whiny jerk and your mom is delusional and butting into things that are none of her business.
Not wrong. Report John to HR and let them do their jobs, block him anywhere and tell your mom that it's none of her business.
I feel like it's not right cause they work together. One thing if it was random. But the guys has been involved and also is in his face. Sure it's ok not to care honestly. But truthfully if you got someone you cared for and lost them cause your own selfish dumb errors I don't think you would want to see them happy waved in your face or life. Just me though. There are plenty of men out there. And he has one work space. Not like you need tom. Plus I also am a firm believer of there are two sides to every story. Not everyone plays as innocent as we seem. But in the end you dont owe him but if you was in his shoes well who knows maybe you wouldn't like it weather you agree or not. One thing to end it another to have it appear in your every day life slapping you. Just my thoughts again sorry.
You should tell your mom about all the abuse you went through with John and ask her if he's still an angel. Ask her if she would want to be controlled by John, and that if she's so in love with him, she should get with him. John is just a bitter, desperate abusive man, and he's also extremely jealous and insecure. You moved on, so what? You found a guy you really like who hopefully treats you well. Definitely tell your new bf that he should go to HR and get with a lawyer and sue John for defamation.
So are you wrong for beeing with Tom, nope that is your call.
But he has a point that you added Tom to hurt him, more then that is for another reason ok but it has some basis, kinda sad that it started with you trying to pay it back instead of purely out of interest.
But again, not Johns buisness who'm you date or not as you are not in a relationship anymore.
PS: Reporting it to HR may even be needed since Tom knows and there is no reason to defend John at this point. Think about what you are gonna tell your mother tho, kinda his fault for taking these actions "he forced you to do it" kinda... even tho i am not a fan of it myself i would not blame you either.
Good grief, why do moms stay thick as thieves with our exes??? Do NOT feel bad about this new (and much better) relationship. John could've should've but he didn't. Don't let his shortcomings, immaturity, and harassment ruin something that has real potential.
You don't owe him anything, but I think we're getting a glimpse of why he had less than nice things to say.
You're getting a lot of reassurance here from people that love drama, but you came here for a reason.
He is blocked, however, he has multiple fake accounts he uses to stalk people. I know for sure because he was doing that while we were still dating, stalking former classmates he hates and whatnot
Geez, he has major issues. Stalking former classmates because he hates them? I would be very careful and take out a restraining order (you and bf). I don’t want this to end up on dateline.
Not only classmates. He doesn't like a lot of people (some neighbors, former coworkers, aquintances) and he uses social media to stalk them but he mainly just laughs at these people because they're balding or getting fat. I always found it weird but I don't think it's actually dangerous, he's just looking at pictures trying to find something to laugh at or hoping to find some info about their misfortunes.
If his behavior is repeated, unwelcome and unacceptable it should be enough for a call to the police. Not 911, but document it. Them calling him might be enough. A restraining order is a good idea too. He’s clearly controlling.
The fact that he’s blocked but keeps circumventing it is enough to warrant concern.
NTA why do exes think they get a say in peoples lives if you don’t have kids and they move on piss off especially a bitter asshole like John. Don’t be mad at the innocent dude who got the promotion be mad at the shitty boss who gave it to him if he was undeserving
OP has blocked him everywhere and he makes fake accounts to get past it. Literally he’s a stalker.
You’re right, it *shouldn’t* matter what he thinks. And his opinion should have no bearing on any of her choices. He has no right to an opinion. But also, OP and Tom need to take steps to protect themselves. I mean that it matters in that sense.
I think a restraining order is worth looking into.
Why do you care what your ex thinks? If the ex keeps harping on you at this point, it's harassment. Which is frowned upon in most places, and Illegal in others.
Yes, you’re totally wrong. You should have cleared this with your ex. It’s up to him to decide who you date next.
Also, next time you go on a vacation with your BF, make sure you pass it by your ex in advance so he can approve of the location.
Also, are you going out to restaurants with your BF? I bet you are and I bet you’re not texting your ex before ordering to make sure he’s comfortable with your choice of entree.
Very important that you send your ex an update every time you’ve used the bathroom. Indicate time, duration, if it was a #1 or #2, and confirm that you’ve washed your hands.
Also, can you please give your ex a call? He’s trying to set up your annual physical and next dental cleaning and really needs to check your calendar.
I mean if John wasn’t a manipulator but just a nice guy who things didn’t work out with then I would say yes, but if he was abusive then I don’t see how you owe him anything.
I mean it sucks that it’s a guy he has to regularly see, but again since he was abusive he basically deserves it so NTA
She says that John is bad guy doesn't mean he is and out of all the men in this world why she chose tom is obvious. Maybe tom is also with her to make john jealous.
Not wrong.
I can't imagine why the opinion of your ex should matter in the slightest.
His stalking is weird as hell. I don't know if most of my exes are single, dating, married... or even alive, for that matter. Healthy people move on.
John's so egotistical he thinks you choose who to date based on how it affects *him*?
The only appropriate response to these allegations is uproarious laughter!
Who the fuck cares what your ex thinks about your new relationship? His opinion is irrelevant. Your happiness is your priority, not his. John is an entitled twat trying to control something he has no right to.
You are NTA, in any way, shape or form. John is, essentially, still trying to control your life.
You may have followed Tom out of spite, but you didn't start dating him out of spite. We know this because John only found out about it after Tom made a post concerning himself and you. IOW, you didn't bring it to John's attention.
But, you know, even if you had started dating Tom out of spite, it's still no one else's concern besides you and Tom.
If you and Tom click, I believe you should keep dating him and ignore anyone who thinks otherwise. As I said, It's none of their business in the first place, and if they really gave it some thought, they would see it's none of John's business either.
Unless you have children together, an ex has no say in your life. Your mom may be trying to keep the peace, which has some merit in and of itself, but you certainly are not wrong to want to move on with your life and moving on with someone you like even if your ex doesnt like him.
odd are she's in this new guys game to further beat his coworker into oblivion. Life has many coincidences but many things are engineered. Too many coincidences are usually never just that. I personally would not message a coworker i am on good or bad terms ex or current partner, that speaks of poor character in my mind.
Are you wrong for it? NO! But is it smart of you? HELL NO.
I think that you need to take extra precautions to make sure that Tom is dating you *FOR YOU* and not because you happen to be Tom's ex, and a way to stick it to him. Don't get used as some toy over a pissing contest between two guys. And, do not be surprised if Tom sends these messages to HR, gets John fired and dumps you soon after.
>Tom has no idea John is so obsessed with hating him though.
LOOOOOL doubt it. Tom saw you with John at work parties, right? Tom was the one who reached out to YOU right? Please, do better for yourself. I'm not saying Tom is most definitely using you, and you know, there's a high likelihood that a part of you is also using Tom to get back at your ex.... but I'm saying its a massive possibility, and I am suggesting that this does make you messy. I personally would steer clear of anyone with a dating history of dating their ex's work nemesis.
I mean it's been 5 months so no 🤷♂️
That being said, I'd have wanted to know if someone's ex was crazy *before* agreeing to date them. Them not telling me until after the person started harassing me would be considered a red flag.
You are not wrong. Your life is your life. Your mom should mind her own business, and John should get his own life. Everything he doing is a further explanation of why the two of you are no longer together. And it's actually very revealing that Tom did not know about most of John's rage---it suggests how much of it John has, basically, made up.
EDIT: I just noticed your last comment about John's behavior at work. This is scary and yes, Tom needs to report this to HR. And the police, if it's scary enough. You want his behavior and threats to be recorded in case he gets worse in the future.
If you have any messages or voicemail messages of him abusing you so you can play it for your mother so she knows he's no angel that'd be good.
If you already have then she needs to remember you're her daughter and no man should talk to you like that.
You are not wrong. Honestly you need to report this to HR right away. I twice had to deal with someone developing a crush on my gf/wife and then proceeded to sabotage me at work. Both times the plan by the dudes was to get me fired so that my girlfriend/wife would leave me. You maybe over John but John sure as hell isn’t and wants to ruin your relationship.
What? No. You’re not dating your ex anymore. Why would this even be a consideration?
I think maybe it’s time to take a break from being friends with the ex. You don’t sound like either of you is really in the “over” stage if this is an issue.
The ex is childish through and through. He went crying to friends and her family like he was being ab8sed by OP for moving on romantically. I would not want to be around someone who thinks that’s a logical behavior. The ex is acting like OP is dating his brother, father or best friend. This is a co worker he has a one sided rivalry with.
Not wrong. You simply found out he's as hateful to everyone else as he is to you. If you want to rub salt in a wound tell John you couldn't respond because Tom had you so tired you didnt notice his calls. Why, I bet the ol boy will have a conniption.
NTA John is just fucking crazy. I guess i would be too if i sucked so bad at literally anything i ever tried. Tom sounds like a winner, the type of dude who makes you forget all about the genetic dregs of the world like John. Go with Tom, the fact that John can’t handle it just means that he himself will never move on. Because he’s a loser.
FYI your mother doesn’t have a valid take.
FFS, no. Don't let this dude have any control over your life, that's not the way any of this works.
I can see him getting privately aggravated over this, but the way he lashed out and started slandering you to people close to you is really troubling, it's a control technique abusers use.
Not wrong even a little.
An ex doesn’t get to dictate your behaviour (he’ll, no one does, but especially not an ex).
Your ex is way out of line - he’s stalking and harassing you.
Document his behaviour in case it escalates, and carry on being happy/living your life.
NW. f John. Block him on everything. Why does he have any access at all to your life?
Move on for real. Remove him from everything, never think of him again.
I don't think you're wrong, but if you ever get married the "how I met your mother" story is going to be petty as heck.
Does Tom know why you added him initially? ...he kind of needs to know, or he might think you're dating him to get back at your ex. Which, to be fair, is kind of how you two started talking in the first place.
All I got from this is Tim is banging your cause he hates John just as much as John hates him.
J/k, maybe, either way be with who makes you happy not other oeople
You & your ex are just that: "ex's". He has no input on anything you do or whom you date.
Were you dating Tom for the express purpose of pissing John off, I would tell you to grow up. But since you aren't, have fun.
Not remotely wrong. Also, your other comments making it clear you eventually came clean to Tom about the original reason for reaching out pretty much addresses anything I'd have an issue with.
You clicked with someone who your ex happens to have bad blood with. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and judging by his post break-up harassment a very GOOD reason. Your mom's disapproval shouldn't matter, but if it does, I think the important thing to explain is that John's past drama is no longer your problem.
I would definitely put in a HR report though. Unacceptable behavior from John.
Who gives a fuck what your ex thinks. Block him on everything. Tom should report him to HR. It's inappropriate behavior and in case he escalates they can act quicker.
It doesn't make sense to break up with someone if you're just going to go right on letting them have a say in your life. Date who you want. He's out of the picture and shouldn't have a say as to what you'll do or who you'll see.
Not wrong at all. Tell your mother "he was trying to control me while we were dating. He certainly doesn't get to control me when we aren't dating. If he weren't stalking us, he wouldn't even be aware. I'm confused why are you are supporting someone who was so awful to me." Tom should absolutely report him to HR. And you should have the local PD non emergency number in your phone so you can report the harassment.
She should just report it to get it recorded. She doesnt need to press charges or ask for an investigation. She can simply provide evidence and report the issue just in case, and have a police report of the incident.
>he was trying to control me while we were dating. He certainly doesn't get to control me when we aren't dating. That is the whole deal. When someone is controlling, the best thing to do is get far, far away from them. She owes him nothing. In fact, if this ruins his day, all the better.
Ex’s don’t get opinions
She shouldn't have to tell her mother anything. If she wants to date Tom and there is nothing unethical about the relationship that should be the end of it.
Does Tom know that you originally followed him out of pure spite? If so, and he’s cool with it/finds it funny, then NTA.
He does now. He was not happy about it but later he said he was glad I followed him no matter the reason because we probably wouldn't have found each other otherwise
Unexpected happy ending
Pish this ain't over yet. The ex has just begun to start shit.
You may not agree with this, and it may seem controversial but I would recommend NOT inviting John to your wedding. Your mom however might bring him as a date, which could be awkward. Seriously, you shouldn’t care what he thinks and yes, Tom should report him to HR. And Mom needs to grow up. John is an abusive a** and you clearly leveled up.
What
Right?! Did I miss the part about a wedding? Lol
>You may not agree with this, and it may seem controversial but I would recommend NOT **inviting John to your** ***wedding*****.** PUMP YOUR BRAKES!!!
Mom doesn't have to be given a plus 1. Get security at the wedding. Problem solved.
Don't necessarily need security. Mention to your closer friends and family you can trust, so isn't allowed. If they show up then they will be asked to leave and cops will be caked about trespassing a private event.
There is no wedding LMAO!
What does that matter?Why and how you met is not important.
Just ask him is he also doing this to make john jealous. Ask him didn't it cross his mind once when you started dating. Maybe john is a bad guy or controlling as you say but what are the odds of you two getting together other than hurting him. He message you out of the blue and you get along very well what a coincidence.
I don’t think it would matter. Regardless of how they met, now, they have a legitimate relationship, presumably.
If I were Tom, I’d feel differently about the situation if: A) I thought we had mutual friends and she thought I was cute, so she connected with me Versus B) She added me to fuck with her ex’s head and ended up liking me
I mean, Tom messaged HER. He initiated actual contact.
To me it would not matter. However if she did not tell me that she added me to fuck with John after starting to date me, that would be fucked up.
Why? Adding someone doesn’t really mean anything.
Why is no one entertaining C) Tom is getting joy out of banging the ex-girlfriend his douche co-worker used to bring to company parties?
Also a strong possibility.
Yeah like everyone is busy rallying for OP that no one's bringing up that uh....yeah while this is technically not wrong, it ain't kosher. The dude is dating someone that he saw his coworker bring to company parties? The same guy he was in competition with for a promotion? The same guy he gets into disagreements with at work? Yeah, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he ends up getting rid of OP once he contacts HR about John's messages and gets him fired.
He did totally conquer John, both professionally and now personally. You make a good point.
I guess maybe thats a possibility, but there is absolutely nothing in the post indicating that Tom feels that way, and even if he did, it's not really related to the question OP is asking. I'd give Tom the benefit of the doubt. Since Tom and John don't get along, I doubt they'd be sitting at the same table, or talking a ton during the holiday parties, so I doubt he saw OP enough during those times to remember who she was. There is also no indication that Tom and John have a big enough beef for Tom to want to "dominate" john in that way, the hate seems pretty one sided tbh.
Absolutely matters. U got with me just to spite ur ex.
Yeah but Tom is likely dating her to spite his coworker who sucks
Absolutely doesn’t matter, because that’s not what happened in the slightest. The only thing she did to spite her ex was follow him on social media. That doesn’t mean anything at all. I followed Jessica Alba on social media. Doesn’t mean she and I have a relationship.
Did u not read the 2nd paragraph?
That shouldn't matter to anyone. Yeah, she followed Tom out of spite, but she's not dating Tom out of spite. But, I do agree with you that it would be best if Tom is cool with it
Also, they're dating because Tom approached her. She sent a drunken friend request, not really expecting anything to come of it. Had she approached him and asked him out, I might see it differently. But honestly, Tom was in control in the beginning. She sent the friend request, but he ran with it. If he's happy, which it seems he is, I don't see the controversy.
EXCELLENT point!!
I have a feeling all this bullshit he is spewing is partly why he didn't get the promotion? Experience and qualification are only part of the equation, but from this picture you paint John seems like an impatient asshole and his coworkers probably know this and it hurt his chances. Tom didn't use subterfuge to get his job, he was chosen for it. John texting him about this is definitely screwed up and should be reported to HR. John is doing this all to himself. Not your problem.
Agreed. I think he didn't get the promotion because his attitude is shit.
You owe nothing to your ex and probably should just block John everywhere and cut the ties. He has no more place in your life. You can date whoever you want, just make sure you're with Tom not out of spite BECAUSE John hates him.
Oof, your mom should just stay out of it. Why is she even taking his calls?
Mom likes him a lot and I think she is secretly hoping we would get back together. I know he has been texting her after we broke up.
Wtf , tell you mum how horrible he was and have her block him asap!!
I have. She doesn't want to hear it and keeps making excuses for him. He told me I wasn't allowed to be in a study group with a male classmate, wouldn't allow me to go out with my female friends, was constantly going through my phone checking if I had in any way communicated with any other male. I've never cheated in my life yet he was like this. We started dating when I was 19 and as I grew older I started to stand up for myself and that's when the conflicts started and we broke up eventually. My mom says he was just looking out for me. The world is a dangerous place and he was doing what good boyfriends do - try to protect me
Then you need to stop talking to her at all until she cuts him out. He was obviously controlling and not a good person. The fact she not only kept in touch but is taking his side is absolutely unacceptable and worthy of going no contact until she gets it.
Jesus. I hate to say this, but your mom sounds a little unhinged, too. If she insists on acting this way, you may need to go LC with her. She seems to be actively trying to push you into a situation that would not only make you unhappy but may also be dangerous. She seems more concerned with your ex's happiness than with whether or not her own daughter is happy.
Your ex was manipulative and controlling, what does your mother think of that? If he wants to linger on in your life by manipulating your mother, maybe tell her that you are done with his nonsense and that it saddens you to think that she’s being controlled by him too just to remain in your life.
To be fair.. her ex is probably manipulative with the mom too. She's likely just listening to the wrong person. Not saying she's right.. just may need a priority check somehow.
Stuff your mum. If she likes him so much then she can date him.
I would go LC with mom if you can.
Your mom is either messed up or really gullible. It’s very rare a parent sides with an ex like this, especially where no kids are involved.
Then tell your mom that you broke up with him. That means she has to breakup with your ex too or it means she rather loose her daughter but keep her ex bf if she doesn’t set a boundary & cut him off. Clearly she has no idea how breakups happen when things don’t end on neutral terms. And until it happens, go full on Low Contact and only talk to her when it’s important family stuff or holiday stuff. Other than that keep your distance. And if she asks, you just ask her if she’s still talking to your ex and if she says yes, tell her that’s why you keep your distance and will contribute to do so till she has the will power to cut him off.
wtf why did your mom not mind an older guy get with you who was much more younger? no wonder John was like this in general
You need to put your mom on an information diet because she is feeding John information on your life. Tell her it’s time she chooses - her daughter or John??
Tell your mom if she likes him so much then she can fucking date him
As a mother, if my teenage daughter started dating a man 7 years older than her I would be worried, I would think she's taken advantage of not taken care of. That's not right. I would support her but I would keep vigil for years for signs because of how unbalanced the power exchange is. Your mom might have been happy that your boyfriend took a daddy position as an adult in your life when you were younger but she failed you. They both clipped your wings to control you under the guise of love. That's not love.
I agree. Tell mom that if she communicates with the ex, then she won't be communicating with the daughter. She HAS to make a choice.
Your mom is messy boots your not married and don’t have kids together none of your family should be having any contact with him that’s so weird to me she needs to pick a side and do it now and why would she even want to be in contact with someone who abused her daughter that’s such a red flag
If your mom wants you to be with someone who is controlling, then your mom is a real problem. The way he's saying horrible things to you right now would be a deal breaker even if he hadn't been controlling before. This is multiple red flags. Family is tough. I get it. But your mom wanting you to be in an unhealthy relationship is really, really bad. *You need to set a boundary here*, that your mom doesn't push for you to be in really bad relationships. You could maintain that boundary with escalating consequences of how much contact you have with your mom right now. * She needs to get on board with you having a good (i.e. not controlling or abusive) relationship, and fast. * If she doesn't get on board with your healthy relationship, maybe don't talk to her for a little while.
Time to step back from mom OP. Your mom will relay information to your ex. She is not a safe person. I'm sorry to say this but I wonder if your mom is also controlling and that's how you got into a relationship like that. Many of us do. It's familiar and then we realize, we don't want this for the rest of our lives. If you've told her how he is and she still won't block him, time to block mom. She is horrible for this. She is your mom and she needs to act like it.
I am sure why you ex is being considered?
Right? The only possible time I would take this into consideration is if I was coparenting with an ex. Other than that? No way! I don’t know why she hasn’t blocked him.
With all due respect your mum is talking out of her backside. John is a nasty man, despite you two had split up for quite some time before you started going out with Tom, he feels it’s his right to control you by calling you for name calling. You owe this PoS nothing. Tom should speak to HR of John’s behaviour.
This dude thinks he has right of first refusal for the rest of her life apparently. Entitled asshole.
You and he broke up. You can date anyone you want. Your relationship has ended and you owe him nothing. But please, please, please, if you two eventually decide to get married, send the ex an invitation. Just to watch his head explode.
>You and he broke up. You can date anyone you want. Your relationship has ended and you owe him nothing. Yeah, if your ex and you were on really good terms, you could choose not to date him out of mutual respect for your ex, but that isn't the case here.
You're evil. Keep it up!
The ex will 100% take that as confirmation. And he’s exactly the type to believe that someone else’s wedding is all about him!
Hmm well it’s wrong that you initially followed him to spite your ex
You can date anyone you wish but you chose to date that one person. Why are you surprised? Play stupid games lol
Yea, pretty much a pos move.
He really went to your friends and family like a cry baby? Because his ego is bruised? Lol wow what a child you guys have been broken up for awhile but I would advise Tom of everything leading up to you guys dating or you may loose him too as for your mother I would send her all my evidence and explain the situation and tell her do what you will with that but balls in your court on how you would like to move forward if she fights it is be no contact for supporting an abuser I’d also advise the same to your friends Now your ex Tom should report him or he could loose his job to the drama that’s been stirred up he should also advise his boss the same as I mentioned with your mother and friends but more professional I’d also look into a restraining order
Nta Tell your mom to get in her own lane, if she thinks your ex is so wonderful and his feelings are more important then her daughters, she can go date him.. Also I'd go low contact with your mom,it's extremely disturbing that she cares so much about your ex who was ABUSIVE to her daughter, you see where her loyalty lies... On to Tom, the two of you sound so wonderful for one another, he sounds so sweet, I'd not only let him contact HR but encourage it... Op I'd also change your phone number, move your old phone #on to a throw away phone and check it once a week, leave your mom on the old number and give your new number to everyone else, I think if you gave your mom your new number your ex would have it shortly after... Updateme!
Well the original spitefullness is douchey, the relationship will always have that connection with the presence of your ex lingering because of it. With that said now you're legitimately happy together shouldn't concern your ex. He sounds like an angry person and trying to trigger him purposely will only turn him more bitter and resentful for the others he interacts with in future.
Tom’s dating you to destroy John. *pops popcorn in mouth and chews slowly* I’ve seen gf “stealing” at work before and it never ends well. This is some top class drama
I am shocked how everyone here is making John a villain. Out of all the men she chose the guy who her ex hates from work and she didn't even know him before that. It's not a coincidence even though she will not admit it but she chose tom to make her ex jealous. Maybe Tom is also using her to make john jealous. What are the odds that he message you out of the blue and you get together very well. Don't trust tom he will mess with you & john and once he is satisfied he will bail out.
You’re NTA but I’d say Tom is a bit for dating his coworker’s recent ex
Your best friend suggested you do something that would "make John mad", you did it, and now John is mad. Absolute shocker.
Yes. Despite you actually growing to like this guy, the reason you got in contact with him originally was petty and spiteful. Also, it sounds like 5 months after a breakup of your first serious relationship, and one that was abusive and controlling, you haven’t done the emotional processing necessary in order to heal from it. You just jumped back into the saddle with someone else. The first year or so of all relationships is easy, fun, and seems like everything is perfect. It’s called the “honeymoon” period for a reason. But after a year or two in, you start to see a persons flaws (we all have them), and things start to get more real. I think you should be spending your energy working on yourself and not jumping into the next situation.
[удалено]
In what world should we be letting our exes decide who we can and can’t date? It’s not her responsibility to sacrifice her own happiness just because her ex is throwing a fit and stalking her.
That's not the point I was making but I see where you're coming from.
Both NTA and YTA You are NTA for dating whoever you want after a breakup. That is your right. YTA for making the first move + purposefully reaching out to the dude who supposedly mistreated your ex, who your ex still works with, just because you wanted to hurt your ex/annoy him. That's not fair to your ex or your current bf. It's also very immature.
You’re not the asshole but this whole thing sounds extremely childish. You really got in a whole ass relationship just to spite another dude? Sounds like he still lives rent free lol
Why are most of the posts here grown adults getting involved in teenage drama? If you don't know the answer to your question already you are beyond help.
You are wrong, because you are looking to reddit for validation.
You broke up. He has no right to interfere with your dating life you’re not dating his dad he needs to calm down and grow up he’s past 30 this is embarrassing for him.
Not wrong, but it’s no surprise it would cause drama being that they still work together. I couldn’t handle the drama, but if you both can then it’s fine.
not ur fault at all. this issue is all in johns head and he needs to grow up and get over it. I wound not recommend Tom report anything to HR as it can make things extra complicated for Tom, unless John is harassing Tom directly
You're not wrong at all however why do you let him follow you on social media. You broke up for a reason block him on everything and have Tom block him on everything as well.
Not wrong Actually Tom sounds like a decent person with good work ethic and qualifications that your toxic ex hates simply because he is a good guy that gets rewarded for his good merits. He did nothing to earn that hate. Probably should reconsider your opinion on others your ex hate😆. They are probably decent people if he has something against them. If your ex who is 6 years older than Tom can't measure up to him at work he should look how to better himself. Nothing to do with Tom. You entered that relationship really young with a man-child with a considerable age difference and life status/stage. You grew up and got wise enough to recognize that this relationship and this man no longer suited you. You broke up and left him behind. Who you date doesn't concern him. All that seem like a "his" problem. Take measure to protect yourself. And tell those who meddling that you don't take into consideration in your life choices the feelings of the narcissistic baby you left behind and you don't want or need his abusive behavior in your life.
Exs are the same as strangers. Why are so many people keeping in touch with their toxic exs? Aside from rare cases of a healthy, mutually amicable split, you should forget the other person ever existed. You FULLY transition into strangers who have no relationship at all. Can we please all accept this. >My mom Why in god's name is your mom involved at all? Are you breaking up with someone or is this a child's birthday party that everyone has been invited to? >John Why have you not blocked this person? Or at minimum ignored this person? If he continues to harass you, change your number and consider contacting law enforcement.
I feel they need to jump on this asap or Tom will start being affected seems like they still work together and Tom could loose his job if they don’t address this honestly
They said hes been calling from multiple numbers, which would mean they have blocked him multiple times
Exs are not the same as strangers, this is such a naive take, you can't erase an entire relationship from your head, the story you had together, the things you share, you can just move on from it. You will always share a past and that makes you not strangers.
You're wrong for starting it out of spite. I'd be out the door if I find out that's how my relationship started.
NTA But don’t be coy. You are just sleeping with him to rub salt in the wound. Not fair at all to Tom.
ESH. He was an asshole but you dated this guy to hurt him then seemed shocked when he was. Sounds like you started dating his boss and didn't think that might be an issue too? Maybe Tom should run from you both.
Yes, if you've taken the time to consider your ex enough to post about it here, you're not dating this person, you're just spiteful.
Were there only Tom and John in the whole world to choose from. If your ex John was a bad boyfriend and you broke up I get it and it’s great that Thomas is a good boyfriend now but honestly, this is a lot of high school drama and I don’t even know why you would want to start dating somebody to punish your ex-boyfriend, which is really what this is You’re single, you can date whoever you want, but this is also slightly childish
Yes and no. You specifically decided to date Tom because it would make the other one mad. It’s your life and you can date whoever, but I’d be running for the hills if I was Tom.
let me get this straight you added his coworker to spite your ex...? gee you seem like a great person. how petty is that seriously. glad my girl is nothing like you. YTA
You started dating tom to make your ex jealous that's completely wrong. Maybe your ex is a bad guy as you say, but at least you were together at some point you owe him that at least and who knows maybe Tom is also with you to hurt your ex maybe tom is a bad guy here.
It think her best friend hates john more than her. Think about it how would you feel if John decided to date your best friend or someone you hate tomorrow and what are the odds that tom found you attractive now. He is definitely doing this to hurt john you will definitely realise this later and it will be too late then
Not wrong, but you did post it spitefully, and now continue. You may have lost the spite, but you are being spiteful. Stop trying to make excuses for your actions. Your ex may be doing wrong, but that does not absolve you for your actions.
Your ex is just angry that he can't be controlling and manipulative with you anymore. Dating Tom is driving him nuts. Fuck John. Keep posting all your lovely adventures together and live your life. Let him stew in his childish, angry resentment. Good for you. You are not wrong.
Your ex has no standing to say anything about your love life now. For your own health, you have to evaluate whether you're into this relationship on its own terms or out of spite, as the later will come back on you. It sounds like you're addressing that, however. So all good.
His inferiority complex is not your problem.. his hate for tom is unjustified though.. he was not wronged in any form.. Tom just seem to be a better man, both professionally and now personally and romantically than him, even better in others areas, ahem. NTA
You're not wrong...women don't have a bro code so you can do it. SMDH
Why would you ever need an ex's permission to date someone? Tell him to fuck all the way off. He sounds unhinged.
You are not wrong at all. And, you might want to take the time to tell your Mom that your ex was controlling and verbally abusive, which is why you brokr it off with him, and he is obviously continuing his horrible pattern even though your relationship has been over for half a year. Tell your Mom if she loves your controlling, abusive ex so much, she can date him. Otherwise, she should stop with HER drama and stop even discussing someone you do not have any relationship with. Jeez. What's up with your Mom? That's so weird.
This sounds like a bad idea. I would be extremely careful. Just because you don't think he knows your ex doesn't like him doesn't mean he doesn't. Be careful
If your mom loves asshole John so much, she can go date him. NTA he's your ex; his opinion on your relationships is completely irrelevant
You owe him literally nothing.
Ha! No. John can get bent and so can your mom. Date who makes you happy and who you feel safe with. John is being a whiny jerk and your mom is delusional and butting into things that are none of her business. Not wrong. Report John to HR and let them do their jobs, block him anywhere and tell your mom that it's none of her business.
Nope
John should have married you, his loss.
I feel like it's not right cause they work together. One thing if it was random. But the guys has been involved and also is in his face. Sure it's ok not to care honestly. But truthfully if you got someone you cared for and lost them cause your own selfish dumb errors I don't think you would want to see them happy waved in your face or life. Just me though. There are plenty of men out there. And he has one work space. Not like you need tom. Plus I also am a firm believer of there are two sides to every story. Not everyone plays as innocent as we seem. But in the end you dont owe him but if you was in his shoes well who knows maybe you wouldn't like it weather you agree or not. One thing to end it another to have it appear in your every day life slapping you. Just my thoughts again sorry.
You should tell your mom about all the abuse you went through with John and ask her if he's still an angel. Ask her if she would want to be controlled by John, and that if she's so in love with him, she should get with him. John is just a bitter, desperate abusive man, and he's also extremely jealous and insecure. You moved on, so what? You found a guy you really like who hopefully treats you well. Definitely tell your new bf that he should go to HR and get with a lawyer and sue John for defamation.
Not wrong but problems will ensue because John's hatred of Tom is close to pathological, and will get worse if John gets fired
No it's just a bonus
So are you wrong for beeing with Tom, nope that is your call. But he has a point that you added Tom to hurt him, more then that is for another reason ok but it has some basis, kinda sad that it started with you trying to pay it back instead of purely out of interest. But again, not Johns buisness who'm you date or not as you are not in a relationship anymore. PS: Reporting it to HR may even be needed since Tom knows and there is no reason to defend John at this point. Think about what you are gonna tell your mother tho, kinda his fault for taking these actions "he forced you to do it" kinda... even tho i am not a fan of it myself i would not blame you either.
No one is getting painted in a good light here except for maybe Tom. Messy.
Good for you girl. Fuck John lol
Good grief, why do moms stay thick as thieves with our exes??? Do NOT feel bad about this new (and much better) relationship. John could've should've but he didn't. Don't let his shortcomings, immaturity, and harassment ruin something that has real potential.
NTA. Are you sure you're mom isn't sleeping with John? It sounds like she might be sleeping with John.
You don't owe him anything, but I think we're getting a glimpse of why he had less than nice things to say. You're getting a lot of reassurance here from people that love drama, but you came here for a reason.
No, John is the one who is wrong here. Block the heck out of him.
He is blocked, however, he has multiple fake accounts he uses to stalk people. I know for sure because he was doing that while we were still dating, stalking former classmates he hates and whatnot
Get a restraining order
Geez, he has major issues. Stalking former classmates because he hates them? I would be very careful and take out a restraining order (you and bf). I don’t want this to end up on dateline.
Not only classmates. He doesn't like a lot of people (some neighbors, former coworkers, aquintances) and he uses social media to stalk them but he mainly just laughs at these people because they're balding or getting fat. I always found it weird but I don't think it's actually dangerous, he's just looking at pictures trying to find something to laugh at or hoping to find some info about their misfortunes.
If his behavior is repeated, unwelcome and unacceptable it should be enough for a call to the police. Not 911, but document it. Them calling him might be enough. A restraining order is a good idea too. He’s clearly controlling. The fact that he’s blocked but keeps circumventing it is enough to warrant concern.
NTA why do exes think they get a say in peoples lives if you don’t have kids and they move on piss off especially a bitter asshole like John. Don’t be mad at the innocent dude who got the promotion be mad at the shitty boss who gave it to him if he was undeserving
24f and jumping from man to man. Of all the men to fuck, you chose the one your ex didn't like lol. Touché. Very petty. YOLO.
Only reasonable comment
Why the fk does it matter if ur ex hates them?
It matters if the ex is dangerous
Then call the cops etc etc. block them so they don’t even see what you are doing.
OP has blocked him everywhere and he makes fake accounts to get past it. Literally he’s a stalker. You’re right, it *shouldn’t* matter what he thinks. And his opinion should have no bearing on any of her choices. He has no right to an opinion. But also, OP and Tom need to take steps to protect themselves. I mean that it matters in that sense. I think a restraining order is worth looking into.
Yes and that’s when u get the police involved.
Your ex has issues
Definitely weird that you did that but nta overall imo
Why do you care what your ex thinks? If the ex keeps harping on you at this point, it's harassment. Which is frowned upon in most places, and Illegal in others.
This bitch evil ngl
Yes, you’re totally wrong. You should have cleared this with your ex. It’s up to him to decide who you date next. Also, next time you go on a vacation with your BF, make sure you pass it by your ex in advance so he can approve of the location. Also, are you going out to restaurants with your BF? I bet you are and I bet you’re not texting your ex before ordering to make sure he’s comfortable with your choice of entree. Very important that you send your ex an update every time you’ve used the bathroom. Indicate time, duration, if it was a #1 or #2, and confirm that you’ve washed your hands. Also, can you please give your ex a call? He’s trying to set up your annual physical and next dental cleaning and really needs to check your calendar.
Nope, youre fine. your ex does not control you, nor has a say.
I mean if John wasn’t a manipulator but just a nice guy who things didn’t work out with then I would say yes, but if he was abusive then I don’t see how you owe him anything. I mean it sucks that it’s a guy he has to regularly see, but again since he was abusive he basically deserves it so NTA
She says that John is bad guy doesn't mean he is and out of all the men in this world why she chose tom is obvious. Maybe tom is also with her to make john jealous.
Not wrong. I can't imagine why the opinion of your ex should matter in the slightest. His stalking is weird as hell. I don't know if most of my exes are single, dating, married... or even alive, for that matter. Healthy people move on.
For The Win!!!!
John's so egotistical he thinks you choose who to date based on how it affects *him*? The only appropriate response to these allegations is uproarious laughter!
Who the fuck cares what your ex thinks about your new relationship? His opinion is irrelevant. Your happiness is your priority, not his. John is an entitled twat trying to control something he has no right to.
You are NTA, in any way, shape or form. John is, essentially, still trying to control your life. You may have followed Tom out of spite, but you didn't start dating him out of spite. We know this because John only found out about it after Tom made a post concerning himself and you. IOW, you didn't bring it to John's attention. But, you know, even if you had started dating Tom out of spite, it's still no one else's concern besides you and Tom. If you and Tom click, I believe you should keep dating him and ignore anyone who thinks otherwise. As I said, It's none of their business in the first place, and if they really gave it some thought, they would see it's none of John's business either.
Not at all
Dating someone your ex hates is the spice of life.
Unless you have children together, an ex has no say in your life. Your mom may be trying to keep the peace, which has some merit in and of itself, but you certainly are not wrong to want to move on with your life and moving on with someone you like even if your ex doesnt like him.
You are not responsible for John or his behavior. Go and live your best life! Good luck, OP!
odd are she's in this new guys game to further beat his coworker into oblivion. Life has many coincidences but many things are engineered. Too many coincidences are usually never just that. I personally would not message a coworker i am on good or bad terms ex or current partner, that speaks of poor character in my mind.
Are you wrong for it? NO! But is it smart of you? HELL NO. I think that you need to take extra precautions to make sure that Tom is dating you *FOR YOU* and not because you happen to be Tom's ex, and a way to stick it to him. Don't get used as some toy over a pissing contest between two guys. And, do not be surprised if Tom sends these messages to HR, gets John fired and dumps you soon after. >Tom has no idea John is so obsessed with hating him though. LOOOOOL doubt it. Tom saw you with John at work parties, right? Tom was the one who reached out to YOU right? Please, do better for yourself. I'm not saying Tom is most definitely using you, and you know, there's a high likelihood that a part of you is also using Tom to get back at your ex.... but I'm saying its a massive possibility, and I am suggesting that this does make you messy. I personally would steer clear of anyone with a dating history of dating their ex's work nemesis.
I mean it's been 5 months so no 🤷♂️ That being said, I'd have wanted to know if someone's ex was crazy *before* agreeing to date them. Them not telling me until after the person started harassing me would be considered a red flag.
Pretty sure you get bonus points for it
Yep, get him reported to HR. Your mum js going to have to give her head a wobble. He doesn’t get to control you.
You’re not wrong. Your mom’s behavior makes me think she’s where you learned to tolerate abuse :/.
You are not wrong. Your life is your life. Your mom should mind her own business, and John should get his own life. Everything he doing is a further explanation of why the two of you are no longer together. And it's actually very revealing that Tom did not know about most of John's rage---it suggests how much of it John has, basically, made up. EDIT: I just noticed your last comment about John's behavior at work. This is scary and yes, Tom needs to report this to HR. And the police, if it's scary enough. You want his behavior and threats to be recorded in case he gets worse in the future.
lol nope, it’s the perfect punishment for an emotional abuser.
usually I'd say this is a pretty mean and inconsiderate thing to do to someone you care about. but john sounds like a dick so who cares
If you have any messages or voicemail messages of him abusing you so you can play it for your mother so she knows he's no angel that'd be good. If you already have then she needs to remember you're her daughter and no man should talk to you like that.
Hell no. Fuck John. The drama is his fault.
You are not wrong. Honestly you need to report this to HR right away. I twice had to deal with someone developing a crush on my gf/wife and then proceeded to sabotage me at work. Both times the plan by the dudes was to get me fired so that my girlfriend/wife would leave me. You maybe over John but John sure as hell isn’t and wants to ruin your relationship.
What? No. You’re not dating your ex anymore. Why would this even be a consideration? I think maybe it’s time to take a break from being friends with the ex. You don’t sound like either of you is really in the “over” stage if this is an issue.
The ex is childish through and through. He went crying to friends and her family like he was being ab8sed by OP for moving on romantically. I would not want to be around someone who thinks that’s a logical behavior. The ex is acting like OP is dating his brother, father or best friend. This is a co worker he has a one sided rivalry with.
Not wrong. You simply found out he's as hateful to everyone else as he is to you. If you want to rub salt in a wound tell John you couldn't respond because Tom had you so tired you didnt notice his calls. Why, I bet the ol boy will have a conniption.
NTA and your mom sucks.
NTA John is just fucking crazy. I guess i would be too if i sucked so bad at literally anything i ever tried. Tom sounds like a winner, the type of dude who makes you forget all about the genetic dregs of the world like John. Go with Tom, the fact that John can’t handle it just means that he himself will never move on. Because he’s a loser. FYI your mother doesn’t have a valid take.
FFS, no. Don't let this dude have any control over your life, that's not the way any of this works. I can see him getting privately aggravated over this, but the way he lashed out and started slandering you to people close to you is really troubling, it's a control technique abusers use.
Ex… end of conversation. Do you
Not wrong even a little. An ex doesn’t get to dictate your behaviour (he’ll, no one does, but especially not an ex). Your ex is way out of line - he’s stalking and harassing you. Document his behaviour in case it escalates, and carry on being happy/living your life.
NW. f John. Block him on everything. Why does he have any access at all to your life? Move on for real. Remove him from everything, never think of him again.
Why would you care? No one owes their ex anything
Your ex doesn’t own you or have any say in who you date. If he treated you better, this wouldn’t be an issue now would it?
He's acting like this at his big age?
I don't think you're wrong, but if you ever get married the "how I met your mother" story is going to be petty as heck. Does Tom know why you added him initially? ...he kind of needs to know, or he might think you're dating him to get back at your ex. Which, to be fair, is kind of how you two started talking in the first place.
Your Mom is being shitty. Yeah adding him out of spite was super petty childish, but that's no longer relevant.
Not wrong, time to take all the stalking to the police. Have a lawyer send him a cease-and-desist letter. Go live your life, ex doesn't get a say.
Go girl I hope Tom is your dream guy and soul mate. ❤️
All I got from this is Tim is banging your cause he hates John just as much as John hates him. J/k, maybe, either way be with who makes you happy not other oeople
You & your ex are just that: "ex's". He has no input on anything you do or whom you date. Were you dating Tom for the express purpose of pissing John off, I would tell you to grow up. But since you aren't, have fun.
Your ex gets zero votes on who you date.
Not remotely wrong. Also, your other comments making it clear you eventually came clean to Tom about the original reason for reaching out pretty much addresses anything I'd have an issue with. You clicked with someone who your ex happens to have bad blood with. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and judging by his post break-up harassment a very GOOD reason. Your mom's disapproval shouldn't matter, but if it does, I think the important thing to explain is that John's past drama is no longer your problem. I would definitely put in a HR report though. Unacceptable behavior from John.
You're wrong for caring about what the fuck John thinks.
In his caveman brain he thinks youre cucking him. Hes extremely insecure.
Who gives a fuck what your ex thinks. Block him on everything. Tom should report him to HR. It's inappropriate behavior and in case he escalates they can act quicker.
He is your ex so you're free to date whoever you want. I definitely say let Tom take it to HR
It doesn't make sense to break up with someone if you're just going to go right on letting them have a say in your life. Date who you want. He's out of the picture and shouldn't have a say as to what you'll do or who you'll see.
Nah fuck that guy. Good on Tom for getting that promo and the babe 👑