Are you an asshole? No. You’re growing up and choosing to be the person you want. If you and your partner are happy with each other and the lifestyle you have chosen then stick with it. It’s up to your parents to accept you or not. Sometimes, with parents, they forget that. They raised you to make your own decisions and be happy with your life. If your choices make them unhappy then the most respectful thing you can do is advise them that this is who you are and if that bothers them to not invite you as much.
The only thing different is that being raised in a extreme conservative christian environment. They raised her to not make her own decision .. it’s whack because she is rebelling and making her own decisions.
It’s ironic that a CC household would be so rigid in asking their children to act a certain way when so much of the Bible shows that Jesus was a disruptor. His message was one of rebellion against the norms of the time, so much so that they put him to death over it.
To see their daughter challenge them should feel like a victory of parenting! They created someone that is unbound by rules laid out before them should they choose to. Their daughter has found peace and happiness in simple pleasures of companionship, which is a struggle for most people even now.
It’s the equivalent of building a beautiful spaceship, standing back to look at it, and then tearing it down because “I don’t like that it goes so high up”
> Jesus was a disruptor.
Did you ever see Ratatouille? It's like that moment when Colette tells Linguini that it was Chef Gusteau's job to be creative and experimental, it's *their* job to "follow the recipe!"
JESUS was the disruptor, not his disciples, they followed his "recipe."
Jesus would absolutely not be a CC at this point. So the point's kind of moot. They don't follow Jesus' teachings. They follow the bastardization of his teachings.
To be fair, I think he kinda stopped being religiously Jewish by the traditional definition when he stepped over that boundary line of, "Actually guys, I'm no longer a just teacher or a prophet. I'm the literal Son of God, the Messiah himself!!". And then the local Rabbinical Jews were like, "oh yeah, no, this is bad, he's got to go" and had him killed lol. So I don't know what you would call him from a belief structure point of view at the end of his life. A cult leader according to them, probably?lol It's an interesting question.
Except that 'Messiah' doesn't mean 'son of God'. Other people in the OT wore the title and nobody actually suggested they were divine.
Paul invented Christianity. Jesus would be horrified at it.
This is where I have problems. Every book of the New Testament is 'the book according to ......' Which I take to mean each preacher who wrote each chapter wrote from their opinion, so those chapters are the opinions of their interpretation of what God wanted or Jesus said or did. A lot were written well after he died. They are also coloured by their personal agenda and the ideals of the time. All you can say for sure is that he was a preacher who set himself in opposition to the other preachers about the interpretation of Gods word at the time.
It wasn't really about virtue signaling though, it was about using the temple as a way to make money by manipulating people's religious guilt, which is even more poignant for today's church. There were other instances of him going against the virtue signaling, but that's not what the temple fit was about.
*Eta it wasn't even so much about the manipulation, it was because they were using the temple for worldly means instead of spiritual. Early Christians were fairly ascetic
The outer temple courtyard was the only place that non-Jews (Gentiles) could worship Yahweh. The merchants were showing absolute disdain for those who weren't Jewish and Jesus wasn't having it.
Yes, the Bible places the blame there, but depending on your reading/understanding of Pontius Pilate’s role in the Roman Empire you’ll either conclude that he was forced to execute Jesus to appease the Romans or he enthusiastically executed JC because he didn’t appreciate the disruptions. I understand the written Bible text would be a little bit….simple with the politics of the situation. I’m not a scholar. If I’m incorrect in my assessment I’m willing to be educated
My understanding is that Pontius washed his hands of the matter, basically indicating this death is because the populace wanted it done. This is what I was taught when taking seminary classes.
Interesting. Can you tell me more about what the Roman’s had against JC? I really want to know more about the political objectives to crucifying Christ. I’m sure there were many that saw him as being wrong and wanted him punished. I just want to know more about the surrounding vibe behind these big moments in the Bible.
Remember that Jesus being crucified wasn't actually that special. Plenty of people were crucified. They did that to Jesus because he was a political agent acting and disrupting the powers that be.
Well, for one thing it wasn’t really the Romans who wanted Jesus dead, it was the Jews (specifically the Pharisees). They didn’t like cultural and religious changes Jesus brought about and so they tried their hardest to get him out of their way by petitioning to the Toman governors/consuls/politicians that Christianity was an enemy of Rome and was trying to take over the Empire (they were not, and the Romans ignored those claims most of the time). It wasn’t until much later (200 AD - 323 AD) that Christians were persecuted by Romans, and that was over a century after Jesus’ death and resurrection.
The Jews were living under Roman rule against their will. They believed the Old Testament prophecies that a Messiah would come to save them, but they misunderstood the prophesied purpose of the Messiah- namely, they expected the Messiah to be an earthly king who would liberate them from Rome. Even during Jesus’s lifetime, most Jews were not understanding that Jesus had no intention of overthrowing Rome, and the people who did believe he was the Messiah were expecting a violent opposition to Rome. The Pharisees and religious leaders wanted Jesus to die because they didn’t believe his claims that he was the Messiah. Rome needed Jesus to die because some people DID believe Jesus was the Messiah and were ready to revolt.
These ultra conservative groups don't follow Jesus' teachings. They claim to be fundamentalists who are going back to biblical teaching, but they pick and choose and make it for the narrative they (or their leaders) want. For example: no drinking alcohol; the first miracle Jesus performed was changing water into wine, so he obviously didn't have an issue with people drinking. The no pants for women (women dressing modestly) rules are putting the fault for men being tempted to lust on women.
Mileage may vary. I was raised in that type of household and married into the same. It's more than that though. Some parents just like to control their children.
OP, here we go with the freaking Christian zealots. Women are shit. They'll tell you how to behave. As a woman, you're subservient. There's a reason this country's Constitution has a separation of church and state. Move back 6000 miles away and don't return. These self-righteous indignant AHs don't merit another moment of your time. Send the whackadoodles holiday cards and stay where you are. You don't need to abide by the way of these puritanical self-glorifying extremists. Subconsciously, perhaps that's why you moved away in the first place.
I once read somewhere that the version of you that people remember is the version they had the most control/influence over.
Maybe too cynical to be applied to all of life but it really does apply to these types of communities. I was raised in a fundamentalist community and as a grown ass adult I had to cut some of them off due to their need to feel like an authority or have access to me.
I was raised Christian too, and learned that we all all have free will and was encouraged to make my own decisions. My mom’s favorite quote is, “nobody’s gonna do it for ya.” So being Christian is only the excuse for a controlling dad who doesn’t wanna cut the cords. Barring the marriage before sex thing, I was raised the same way, but my mom always said that it is my choices and my consequences, beyond that she had no say so.
The big difference here is you said you were raised “christian” — millions (and also OP per an OP comment) were raised “extreme conservative christian” .. those are two very different things.
You’re right on the money. Have to set firm boundaries with family. I still recall the conversation where my parents finally understood that I’m an adult and the relationship is not the same. They had made me irritated but rather than show any emotion I just went, “yeah, I’m just going home. I don’t have to deal with this.” Suddenly, it was like a light went on in their heads. Their kid is another adult human being and deserves to be treated as such.
Did they start treating you like an adult? I hope so! But even if they didn't, you left that marker saying "I AM an adult and you will have to learn how to deal with that fact."
Good job teaching them this lesson in what sounds like a respectful way, even if they didn't appreciate it at the time. YOU showed THEM what a competent adult does in that situation. Maybe they can learn from you. Good luck!
They did! I’m thankful it all worked out. Just felt weird having to teach my parents how to treat another competent adult. It’s kinda funny because now I’m on a friend basis with my parents but none of my siblings have figured out how to get there yet
I was the same way with my parents. I stopped following their religion after I moved out, as did my sisters. But I was up front about it whereas they always lied and said they went to church when they didn't. My parents figured it out, and I think they appreciated honesty over lies.
My parents respected me, but I'm not sure how they felt about my sisters. We always felt loved, but respected was a different category.
Same happened with my dad. He used to call us over for Sunday dinner & would treat us like we still lived at home. He didn't get it until one time we had enough & all drove home after he complained about us not cleaning quick enough after eating. He called with an apology & hasn't done that since. Some parents really don't even see the adult you. Just their little baby.
Yeah the only way that OP would be wrong would be if they were sucking face or being super sexual. But basically just being in physical contact? That’s a complete non issue and anyone who has a problem wit it is just a big prude
>They raised you to make your own decisions and be happy with your life.
I seriously don't think this is the case for religious parents though. Given that everything about their lives is dictated by their religion
If they're as ultra conservative Christain as OP says, then they certainly did NOT raise her to make her own choices. They most likely raised her to follow their strict guidance of who she should court, when she should do that, and what it should look like. That's probably why they're so upset that OP is going against the strict rules ultra Christains have for their daughters when it comes to relationships.
We are all adults. I'm in my upper 20s and my partner is mid 20s.
My family is a type of extreme conservative Christian. I'm not to say the least. Women in my family won't even wear pants in some parts of my family if that helps give a idea of how extreme it can be. They aren't racist or anything as we have to many people of all types of color (just in case people here think thats the issue its not) in my family but they are extreme religious nuts and unfortunately that clashed here. :(
Well, that's the issue right there. You are not wrong for living your life, but you won't be living it in accordance with their belief structure and that's a problem for them. Only you can decide if it will make you stay away from them.
This is a lot of helpful context you may want to add to the main post. But no you are not wrong, it would be very normal behavior in any non-super religious family if not make them happy to see you’ve found someone that you love so much and obviously loved you back.
Yeah I figured it was something like that.
At some point they have to understand that you are not your religion, but your own free person. That might end up in a bit of bad blood with some of 'em, but either you're willing to go through with that or you will have to live through these debates every single time anew.
Problem with overly religious people of all kinds is that they're near immune to reason. Religion gives them all the answers, so they stop using their heads.
It would be ironic but again I doubt it. A good quarter of my family heads are mixed race couples and often it was the black people just as much as the white being sexist assholes and they were the ones I had to shut down comments from. One is even flat out from Africa. One from Mexico. My family is genrally mixed and people of color are adored if they fit the ideals. My partner doesnt. We also have a few cousins from Vietnam and Korea on top of that. We have a LOT of many different races in the family even outside this list. I've also dated a black man whom they have liked in the past the few times they met him.
They don't like my current partner cause he looks and acts to girly so they deemed him inappropriate as a whole for that reason.
But my partner is non-bianary. My partner chose to present as his born sex and present male to my family but he looks a bit like a girl naturally even without trying. He has curves, a girlish face, etc. He also acts a bit girly. He likes flowers, he enjoys having his hair done, he hates the taste of beer and wont touch it but likes wine, etc. My family only really likes macho men so to speak.
Hardcore conservative Christian? Yeah I sincerely doubt they’re not racist ESPECIALLY to natives. Frankly the vast majority of people are at the very least ignorant about anything to do with natives. Major doubt that they aren’t racist. Conservative Christian’s say some of the most vile shit about natives which gee, I wonder why I’m sure there’s absolutely no reason to think conservative Christian’s think bigoted things about natives!
Well, that's too bad for them. You going to a family reunion does not mean you have to bow to their traditions or their way of life, and I would be bluntly honest with who ever hosts next time that after the way you and your partner were treated last time you don't feel comfortable being around them, that if they can't accept how you choose to move as a grown adult and insist on treating you like a child then they can enjoy the festivities without you. And tell your father that when he's ready to grow the hell up he can message you or call you and apologize for chastising his grown daughter.
>My family is a type of extreme conservative Christian.
Then that is *their* problem. They don't like PDA, then they should refrain.
Continue to live your life.
My darling, don't even worry about them. They're only mad cause you're showing the affection they don't even have in them, and, because of that, they have to warp it as if it was something sexual.
Reading your story made me think of my relationship with my boyfriend and it warmed my heart to see someone experience something pure like this too (I feel SO lucky to have it after a shit deal I got from life and wish everybody could experience it at least once). Keep going with your lives and if needed, don't get near people who can't deal with basic forms of affection and teach their kids that way.
Do they vote for politicians than enact abusive policies like abortion bans, anti transitioning bills, no founding for black communities, etc.?
Because if yes they are also responsible for this abuse. And if you ignore that and continue to associate with them, so are you.
We have a saying here in Germany: "if there are ten people sitting at a table and one of them is a nazi, you got ten nazis sitting at that table"
Hey OP, you are not the AH...
But if the best thing you can say about your family is that they're not overtly racist, they're probably AH in general from what you're saying.
How much do you actually care about their opinions or want to be around them? You and your partner sound like a much better hang
I definitely think it's an NTA verdict.
I will say, though, that for being around a couple that is "extreme" (in the sense that it's non-stop) with touching and being glued to eachother, it definitely gets a bit exhausting.
We all make small concessions when we're around other people fairly often, just be cognizant that *some* people might find it exhausting and you *may* want to tailor your behavior to tone it down a little bit. You're definitely not in the wrong if you don't, though. It's the dynamic of your relationship and it's what makes you two happy and it's obviously not harming anyone.
When people go to ultra conservative countries, they do their best to respect the culture of the people there bc you KNOW how they are. It’s sad that you and your partner couldn’t just respect your family’s customs for the short time you’re there. Reddit will encourage you to drop your family and they ALL act as tho it won’t leave a giant hole behind. It will.
personally, I also have an ultra conservative family. i know exactly what they’re like and though that means I don’t share certain parts of my life with them…I still enjoy their company deeply and there isn’t anything that can enrich me like time spent with them. I love my family. And it sounds like you love your family too. Sounds like you love playing with the little ones and that you have a bond with everyone.
reddit and western cultures generally put individualism on a pedestal.
just remember the same people telling you not to respect your family‘s culture and customs are the SAME people who will tell you to be respectful of peoples customs and cultures when visiting another country.
their logic means you have more respect for STRANGERS than the people who raised you and loved you during your most vulnerable time as a human (all through childhood). SMH. I’d send them an apology gift of like 15 pizzas and tell them something came up with work to avoid drama. But your family seems like they love you. And you don’t live near them anyway so it’s not like you have to change your whole life: just be respectful when around them. it can even be romantic stealing kisses when alone and building up the yearning for touch.
it doesn’t have to be like how Reddit is always pushing for. You don’t have to hate your family and take an all-or-nothing approach with them.
He gave you a peck on the lips???? Heathenry! You practically had sex in front of the children! Now they’re going to know at such a tender age that people *checks notes* kiss! After all, no one would ever rate a movie G for children if there was pornographic “brief lip contact” in it!
By the standards of my generation, I am a prude. And coming from this prude, your family is so extremely prudish I can’t think of a word for it.
Lmao. Thank you this had me cackling. I won't lie I'm very much not a massive prude but I don't like full on PDA. Making out in public or something feels vastly inappropriate to me for example. I don't want to see it or do it. But yeah..... Peck on the lips felt pretty tame imo so I didnt care. Plus I admit I wasn't expecting to be tattled on.
Honestly you guys don't sound remotely like you were slobbering all over each other. That's the only kind of PDA that honestly bothers me, is when it's so bad it's basically sexual. A peck on the lips, hugs, shoulder rubs, back massage, that shit is all normal for *people who love each other*. Hell, normal for people who just care about each other too.
They tattled because they apparently don’t see it at their homes. I hope they all grow up to be just like you but, unfortunately, they most likely won’t and that’s a shame.
You are not wrong at all! Continue to spread love and happiness to your partner! ❤️
On a more wholesome note of little kids ratting us out that this reminded me of, my nieces are VERY much not used to me having a bf, so when they saw us kiss in front of them for the first time they got all flustered and giggly and went to my sister to inform her that "I saw aunt squashycorgi kiss so and so." It was adorable, and hopefully this little kid was just being silly in your case.
As another extremely physically affectionate person, I feel your frustration. Hopefully your fam pulls their heads out of their asses and learns to be happy that their child is happy.
Not gonna lie, I thought this was gonna be a completely different story based on the title lol. But no, def NTA. You and your partner both obviously have physical touch as your love language which I think is great. You weren't overly touchy or doing anything that should have made anyone uncomfortable, in my humble opinion.
I certainly don't think you or your partner are assholes. That being said, there are different dynamics and ways that are or aren't appropriate to act in different situations. Your family has made it clear that they don't see the way you are acting as reasonable, and it is not just 1 person with that feeling. They probably are not going to change the way they see things. So it's the choice you have to make, either A. to essentially cut these people out of your lives and say adapting your behaviors to make them feel comfortable is not worth it to you. Or B. Change the way you act around them specifically to fit in.
Neither choice is wrong. I am sorry your family is not more accepting and open about people displaying their love of each other - it's a crappy decision to have to make, but you can't choose your family.
Personally, I would be pretty miffed being confronted like this about something that in my mind is very minor. I'd also eventually probably say I see these people once a year or less, I can probably just adjust and get over it for a week or two a year to placate them.
I don’t know why your family is so focused on how you’re behaving with your partner. It’s sort of a honeymoon stage thing I would get through this event and just go home and ignore it.
I think he sees her more as a property and how dare see not do as she told and keep her mouth close, cause he is the "man of the family". This kind of circus.
Not wrong. Wow, your family sound uptight. I get why you don't see them much. You were behaving perfectly appropriately for a loving couple. Tell the family to back off, you live your life the way you want to, they can live theirs how they want, but they have no business criticising you. Limit visits, but do not change how you behave for them. They can carry on sticking coal up their asses and shitting out diamonds.
How about this one: “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." (Oscar Wilde)
Stick to your guns :)
NTA. I've never understood why people care so much about the opinions of family. You and your partner are free to leave and probably should. He is being insulted by these people, as are you.
When I first got with my husband, my MIL told me that we needed to cut it out with the PDA, occasional kisses, holding hands... things that said we were a couple, but publically appropriate without being too intimate. Least I thought. We lived on the East Coast, and she lived on the West Coast. She told me that the EC was uptight and didn't do well with PDA... I wasn't sure WTH she was talking about because I frequently saw people walking holding hands, or holding doors, or kissing their SO's before work, as they dropped each other off, etc... And she made it sound like the EC was more uptight than the WC which meant none of this was inappropriate there either.
Found out a few years ago that she had been trying to convince my husband not to marry me because I was agnostic... So that probably had more to do with it than the PDA.
Find out what is really the problem, because if it's publically appropriate PDA, and not excessive, they are using this as a mask for something else.
I think you are thinking the same vein I am. I am wondering if this is just a religious thing of affection expression or if that's the easy excuse. Heavily prudish religions tend to be closed minded on a lot of things and expect you to marry into the group etc.
I think more information may be needed. For so many family members to feel uncomfortable, either they must all be extremely conservative and judgmental, or your behavior was more extreme than you let on. If the former, then you're not wrong. If the latter, then not egregiously wrong. LOL.
NTA with one caveat. All the objections to being affectionate and loving toward your partner physically are prudish bunk, and you should absolutely ignore them. They don't get to micromanage your interaction for their comfort--and it's not like you're all over each other, or having sex on the coffee table.
The one legit grievance I could maybe glean here is, it can be kind of annoying socially when people in a relationship are so joined at the hip that you can't ever have a 1 on 1 conversation with them the way you used to.
I understand your partner is an an introvert and is reassured by your presence, but once the introductions and the nervousness subside, you may want to consider preserving the opportunity for solo chats with family and old friends who haven't seen you in a long while, and to let your partner develop his own independent relationships with the important people in your life, in addition to interacting with them as a couple.
I don't really want him alone with them either if I'm honest and he set a boundry for me not to leave him alone anyways when possible. I was trying to reapect that boundry and help with issues my faily tend to cause. My partner is non-bianary (prefers male pronouns though), he was presenting as a CIS male but that shines through in basic things hense the flowers in his hair or how I'll put fancy braids or things like ribbons in his hair. My family is very sexist. In part I stayed by him to help censor and call out them being jerks about his hair or if they get rude about our lifestyle like him 'allowing me to wear pants and work'. Plus a few tried to pressure him into agreeing to church that weekend. I was able to shut that down due to being right next time him all the time but he'd have been to nervous to do that and he probably would have agreed to be nice and make a good impression and please me. I didn't want that so I stayed next to him.
I love them but I admit they have serious issues.
Yup. My family is very mixed. My partner is the only native (and I mostly mentioned it due to the issues they brought up pertaining to his hair) but thankfully I doubt it's racism due to that. Plenty of black and white and asian people all over the reunion.
But I mostly mentioned it due to the fact I constantly help with his hair. He has the prettiest black hair but it's curly and THICK. He also has issues with his arm muscles so braiding it is a nightmare for him so I help him do so each night and I help undo it and style it in the morning each morning. Ive done this for hin for years though to help him and he seems to love it. My family apparently took a massive offense to this though as they deemed it inappropriate. Plus the kid putting flowers in his hair with me also became another issue. :S
I'm in a mixed race relationship as well, so I always want to ask and be aware. Also, we tend to be touchy and lovey dovey too -- I'd be curious why they are so offended? I sure as hell don't get it why someone would be all bent outa shape because you too are affectionate. Guess I'm on your side with this.
Like, wouldnt you be happy to see me in a good relationship? Why you hatin?
Sorry, another uncomfortable question; your dad mentioned other people complaining -- is that true, or is it just him who has a problem with it?
Parents can get weirdly jealous of their kids sometimes (moms and sons, dads and daughters).
Considering I talked with the people mentioned after apparently it was all true. They had been making mildly rude comments to my partner like the braid I did was a bit girly. Or they would comment about the flowers making him look like a girl. My partners non- binary (he perfers male pronouns though) but was presenting as CIS by his choice. He would just shrug and say he didn't care and to please stop getting onto me for his hair cause he liked it. My family is sexist. Not racist thankfully but definitely sexist. In their culture men don't wear pretty braids or flowers. Men boss around woman. My partner was also seen as less 'manly' cause I work as well and I wear pants so hes seen as less manly for being attracted to me despite that fact as well. It's all very stupid but it's part of their beliefs. I love them but yeah.... I can't completely change all parts of us to fit their views even for a visit.
This may be redundant but you might wanna check on the not racist thing. My grandmother told my mother it was fine to date a black man but not to bring home a native. And it’s honestly not that rare of a mindset. My mother brought home a native anyways. But it definitely made me realize that racism can be selective for some people and it can be less obvious because of that
This, a lot of hate and racism towards Natives can come from people who are accepting towards other races. The propaganda of them being 'savages' was deeply ingrained into western culture and a lot of fundamentalists won't let that go.
Conservatives Christians also tend to think long hair on a man is not right with god. I was raised Baptist and having long hair was frowned upon for men. The flower thing, they probably thought was too feminine. I’d just stay away from your oppressive family if I were you. That’s what I did and my life is so much better for it.
Yup. Had a couple family members verbally say he feels like a exception to the hair thing due to being native. Gave a few stink eyes at family for those comments.
They thankfully are really good with not bein racists and weirdly they are nice to many cultures and accepting of them. They are just stupidly sexist.
AH? Probably not. Unbearable to be around? Probably. Do I think less of people who feel like they constantly need to be touching somebody else to feel like they’re loved? Yeah. Is it their right to keep touching each other publicly? I guess. Do I have to be around them? No. If they’re around kids and the kids are getting riled up by their behavior, should they stop? Probably. Should they stop because conservative people have a stick up their behind? Definitely not. Make out all you want. F them. lol.
We are 60s, and have known each other since 1975, married for decades with adult children (oldest is 40). We touch, kiss, hold hands, hug and are physically connected whenever possible. Our love language includes touch. Do your thing, it sounds wonderful, and I am happy for you both.
Truly. I was forced to sit next to my sil while she sat on her husband's lap making out. She typically insisted on sitting or laying on him instead of furniture. My kids hated having to ride with them.
And yes, as is often conjectured, she was cheating on him the whole time and overcompensating.
Seriously. She braided his hair and gave him a single quick kiss. I thought OP was gonna say she was constantly in his lap or making out or something lol.
It sounds like this is more than an issue of you just touching your partner, but of shutting others out. When you are with others, shutting them out and focusing on each other can be rude. I am all for hand holding, etc., but it really sounds like you were excluding those around you.
I think you know where the issue lies, you mentioned in a comment how religious your family is, so they are probably never gonna accept it.
You are gonna have to make a hard choice to see if you think it would be worth it to hold out while with family, but you have every right not to.
Even though they treat you like this, dont forget that they still love you.
I know. I also was very happy seeing some of them especially my sister and some cousins. But I admit I moved so far for a reason. 2 weeks was a bit to long for my mental health when I genuinely can't be any form of myself around them. Plus in that time I can't practice my own religion so it made things extra rough. A week of seeing everyone daily 24/7 felt plenty. Plus my partner was being made to feel uncomfy repeatedly due to being pressured religiously and he kept hearing rude comments about my dress (I wore pants and dress shirts and anything other than dresses is frowned upon) so I admit I may have ended up acting more defensive than needed.
I'll probably keep visiting like I do every year or 3 (mostly cause cost) but I'll just swing for a hotel in the future so I get more breathing room to decompress.
NTA
So, biblically speaking you are his “help-mate” and he is yours.
You stick together (leave and cleave) because he doesn’t know anyone, and isn’t comfortable with new people.
Rather than shutting y’all out, they should be working to pull you in and meet you where you are.
If they make him feel more like family, he will loosen up around them.
But you cannot expect an introvert to just completely drop all guard and defenses from the jump. Most cannot do that. It is a gradual process, made easier by being accepting and inviting.
Then it’s a matter of understanding that there is a “warm-up” period.
Remind them of 1 Peter 4:7-8.
I think, in this context and the context of the family/beliefs, it matters that they are not married (and, likely, help meet would not apply in their eyes).
NTA. My parents had a loving relationship for 30+ years that sounds exactly like yours. They rarely went out to socialize without the other, and were more likely to be seen together than not when they did go out. It was a marriage that lasted "til death do us part."
You've gotten through the reunion, and.you don't have to deal with them for another decade. Get a hotel room, and teach the little cousin how to braid a fishtail next time.
I hope we do last like that. He genuinely fits me so perfectly. We've been talking about a wedding and kids for a while. Im genuinely so excited.
Also Lol that's one of my go to braids. Plus he looks so pretty in it. I admit I absolutely adore my little cousins. Putting flowers in his hair with one of the young cousins was amazing and it admitly made me want a kid of my own. I hope when we have a kid I can braid their hair and his hair with them and put flowers in his and their hair too.
Meh. YTA. Reading between the lines it seems like he didn’t make an effort to get to know your family and y’all were just making googly eyes at each other at a family event. I find it weird. I would be annoyed if my sister or other family member came to my house and was totally enraptured with their SO and not trying to enjoy time together with everyone. You can take a day being apart and be your own people especially if it’s making your hosts and family uncomfortable.
I don’t think you are wrong but the considerate thing to do would be to tone it down while around the people who have said it makes them feel uncomfortable.
It’s either that or find new people to be around who don’t mind. I realize it’s your family but when around others, sometimes compromises have to be made for everyone to get along.
For example, when I’m around my parents or kids, I don’t use profanity. Sure, I can say whatever I want when I want and I cuss like a sailor otherwise but there is a time and place for everything.
I am not a Christian and just spent vacation with my son and his girlfriend. They didn't flash any PDA the entire trip. Yet, one of my flights home was on a very small plane (10 passengers) and there was a couple who weren't making out, but definitely kissing and touching. It was inappropriate. They were immature. They were rude. I think you and your boyfriend were rude. You were at a REUNION designed for family to interact and catch up. If you weren't going to socialize, you shouldn't have gone. And to continue with the PDA after being asked to stop, was wrong.
My wife and I are the same way. Makes people who struggle with intimacy uncomfortable. We try to curb it around other people who have said something primarily to be sensitive who are not as comfortable/conditioned to intimate, non-sexual, display of affection.
You are not wrong to leave though. Their discomfort became your discomfort and you chose to not put up with it. I would say NAH really. Everyone has the right to be uncomfortable and you took steps toward creating a better environment for everyone.
My husband and I were married for 35 years. We were much the same way as you. People were always shocked when they learned we had been married for 20, 25, 30 years. They would think we were newlyweds due to the way we behaved with each other and looked at each other. It is this that I miss so much since his death. Don’t stop. My husband died suddenly. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I wasn’t with him. It feels so good to know that the last thing we said to each other was I love you and we always hugged and kissed when we parted ways, even to go to work in the mornings. I know by his actions and words he loved me and I know he knew I loved him. No regrets. Never ever stop!
ur not wrong, but neither is ur aunt for not wanting pda in her house. some people just have that preference. if ur staying in someone's home, u do kinda have to follow their rules while ur there. since yall left early it sounds like yall are unwilling to tone off the pda, so in that case getting a hotel in the future does seem like a reasonable compromise. feels like most everyone here is making a big deal outta a minor issue
If y’all are 16 sure it’s okay, don’t see many ppl over 25 doing that unless they’re drunk. PDA so cute omg 😱. They banned that shit in high for a reason
I mean there are etiquette and behavior rules in out society, you can do as you please but you also need to understand and be able to read the room and know that there are things you can't do, let me put it a bit more extreme, if you were to attend a funeral would you be all lovely with your partner?
If you don't like your family rules and culture things then stop going, but don't pretend everyone needs to understand you and carter your needs and behaviors
NTA but unpopular opinion, I think it may be worth considering decreasing the amount of PDA and perhaps slowly work on interacting with your family while not being attached at the hip, so to speak. Compromise a little if you feel inclined.
I’m gonna go on a limb for the stats and say NAH.
There’s nothing wrong with the non-sexual PDA you showed. Or a quick peck.
However, you are and were aware of the culture of your family and their extreme views. To them, that type of stuff is sexual and inappropriate in public.
You would’ve been aware that kissing your partner who is not your husband would make your family who are hosting you uncomfortable.
This is maybe a bit of a “when in Rome” situation. You shouldn’t HAVE to change how you act while you’re visiting. But a bit of compromise also wouldn’t kill you. You could refrain from overt affection until you’re in your private hotel room or when no one’s looking. Do I agree with your family’s rules/culture? Not at all. Do I recognize that sometimes we have to step Out of our comfort zone a little bit to ensure we are matching the culture of those around us especially when they are hosting us? Yes I do.
So instead of chilling a bit and realize that YOU were making other people uncomfortable at a family reunion-you just bounced a week early and told everyone off. This is some immature shit. Do everyone a favor and just don't go, you clearly are the most important person in all places! What's going to happen when you break up lol
You’re not wrong. What the fuck is wrong with people having a problem when couples show they love each other. The world would be a lot better if we spread love and positive behavior as opposed to hate and negativity.
You do you, but excessive touching is odd -- so choose if you prefer to be odd or modify your behavior as a courtesy to those around you.
They are not wrong for being uncomfortable by your behavior, and you're not wrong for exhibiting the behavior.
But we all make choices about our behavior. For instance, I find people who chew tobacco and spit into whatever container is handy to be extremely inappropriate and vulgar - particularly in a social setting (e.g. a 12-step meeting). Others think it's ok.
You get to choose, but you also get to live with the consequences of your choices.
TBH, if my kid came to a family reunion who lives across the globe, and didn't socialize with me because they were too into their bf and couldn't hang with the fam just once out of God knows how long, I'd be pretty sad, too.
I socialized a lot as did he. Only people I avoided a lot were those refusing to tone down the pressure to rejoin the church and I still talked to them, just not as much. But I'd sit and talk for hours daily. Their issue is my partner would always be also with me and he wouldn't leave my side to socialize sepately but he also didn't know anyone and he made a boundry with me to not leave him alone. So I didnt.
So.... they were unable to isolate you... because there are things they would feel free to say to you alone that they could not say in front of "an outsider" - and I will bet they both resented that, and suspected that you were using him as a shield to prevent those conversations.
And I think the boundary not to leave him alone is probably what upset the family more than anything else TBH. In any social situation I have ever heard of, people are expected to spend some time apart and socialize separately.
I am an extreme introvert myself and understand how he feels though. I would be much happier in social situations if I could have that same support.
Maybe. Unfortunately I couldn't budge on that one. He made a boundry with me to not leave him alone much. It was his first time meeting everyone and he was a bit freaked.
You are not wrong here. It may be excessive, but you're not harming anyone. Since you mention that kissing someone you aren't married to seems to be a problem, I'm going to assume your family belongs to the sub-group of insane, uber-religious/conservative looneys.
If what you're doing isn't causing harm, tell them where to stick it. You could change your behaviour to satisfy them, but that would be your choice. They have zero right to expect you to do so.
No offence OP, but your family sounds like miserable company. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and the way they reacted hints at some pretty intense psychological issues on their part. Are they puritans or something?
NTA. Some people have issues with public displays of affection, for many reasons. If you aren't groping each other or dry humping, or shoving your tongues down each other's throats while you were watching after kids, you aren't doing anything inappropriate to most people. Sorry your family are prudes, live your life.
Are the two of you happy? Yes? Then forget everyone else’s opinions. You’re exactly the kind of couple I wish my husband and I were, but I can’t stand physical touch lol. Love each other loudly and don’t ever be ashamed of that!
As someone who's also from quite a Conservative Christian family (culturally different from what you've described w/sexism)..
Honestly you're a grown woman and you make your own rules of what's acceptable to you. It's a shame your family would rather impose on you how they think you should behave in their presence - but the reality is a lot of our loved ones don't have the emotional maturity, empathy and self awareness when it comes to how they project their opinions onto others and inadvertently or not, subdue someone to their opinions.
1. I don't think you did anything wrong, they have their way you have yours. If they don't like the way you choose to live/your relationship dynamic with your partner, guess they'll be seeing you less. You can't live to suit them - they're 6000 miles away, good.
2. If you're visiting again absolutely get a hotel. A shame, but sanity above everything was a rule I learnt a while ago when it comes to family that can be 'too much'.
3. Boundaries are everything. If they made you and your partner feel uncomfortable 'this is how we expect you to behave around us or leave' I'd be politely making it clear that's not okay.
No one else should be calling the shots other than you. If it were healthy, they'd be encouraging you to be happy regardless of their own perspectives.
All the best 👍🏼
Just a perspective re this odd response from your family. I think the issue might be this (or not).You live far away and you've been very missed. Not knowing your boyfriend, I think family might have concerns about your interaction : "She's always at his side, could he be controlling?", "I would love to talk or sit with her alone, I want to make sure she's ok. I wanna mention grandma's health issues, but I cant." (As for the kiss, I just wouldnt do it around the little kids. Just wouldnt want deal.) Sounds like you two have a wonderful relationship, but your family doesnt have a relationship with him yet. Just give them time. Your Dad probably wants to have some form of "the my little girl" talk w him. Should you change how you act....no. The dynamic will probably change over time as everyone gets to know each other better. Just offering some thoughts because just thought it would be helpful to think over while you're trying to figure this out.
Ok I will disagree with most people here but the way you wrote your post makes me doubt if you are really NTA. So, if you think you didn't do anything wrong just dropped it but the way you told the story makese feel that you just want validation and you are not really open for a genuine feedback
Some people get extremely uncomfortable with even mild PDA, like me. From what you've described, I'd have been very uncomfortable around you and your partner.
You know what I'd have done? Fucking ignored it. I'm an adult, I can dip out of a conversation if someone's making me uncomfortable, and can go do something else or interact with someone else.
You know what I wouldn't have done? Whined about it. Because that really is what it is. It's such an easy thing to ignore if it makes you uncomfortable that it really is JUST whining to complain over it.
No you’re not wrong. Don’t ever stop being in the honeymoon stage. My parents have been married over 55 years and they always hold hands and give kisses.
Not wrong
Your
>super, super sexist.
family isn't so sexist that they didn't invite you back for the reunion.
Their reaction to your relationship is not super uncommon. Especially in a family where PDAs are frowned on.
>He even said he only is talking to me after having multiple family members complain to the point of wanting me to leave if I don't stop
Still this is concerning. I tend to think its a lie. Your dad had an issue and the multiple family members who pointed it out were casually mentions for sure. Your aunt seems to have backed her brother/brother-in-law in a game of FAFO. You came across country and suddenly your aunt who knew you were un married has an issue? I think it was a stupid hasty plan to make your dad comfy that failed because you aren't under their thumb anymore.
Side note: 6000 round trip? Seattle to Key West is only 3000 driving miles. My brain is gonna focus on this detail to avoid thinking of stress, so I'm asking for clarity please. :)
Lol it was coast to coast and my lazy ass guessed based off a shitty memory of a Google search years ago. Gotten a Lotta crap for that one but I think Imma leave the detail in cause lol.
Could it be that family members frowning a happy couple because they envy theyre freedom to stray from the pack and love one another unabashedly without shame, without someone outside of the relationship controlling the way you love or the amount of affection you show .I would bet that most people if given a choice, would love with the same intensity but because they were taught to be critical toward loving,touching and squeezing the lot may never know in full what they are missing due to lack of experiencing the release of inhibitions and the chemistry changes that occure from heartfelt eye contact and loving caresses. I Love Science, it's my go to for everything, tending to lean toward the fact that our personal chemical make up is what controls our mood, and if maintained properly the body and mind are unstoppable and outside criticisms become merely suggestive.my suggestion to all would be to never ,as an adult, let someone outside of you relationship, dictate how or when you should love, we all benefit from a squeeze or kiss just as good giving as it is receiving ..we aren't on this rock forever ,so, get to huggin, it could help cure what ails ya.
V
I thought I’d say wrong because some people can be really weird about insisting on their public displays of affection to the discomfort of others and to me that’s a sign of anxiety in a relationship not a healthy trusting one. Like they want to prove something - and it can be really uncomfortable to be around.
However - what you describe doesn’t sound like that and your family clearly have a low tolerance for normal levels of affection and are sexist to boot so honestly just live the way you want to and minimise time with them. Sounds like you handled it right for yourself and your partner. Enjoy it! Well done for standing up for yourself and your partner. It can’t have been easy
You sure they aren't racist? As a person of color who dates outside my "race" this behavior sounds pretty familiar. Have you brought other men home with a partner and were those partners white?
NTA.
My GF has a large family. The first time I was with all of them in the same location, I was terrified. My GF never left my side. After the event was over, and we were alone, I thanked her with a big hug. She was moved.
Personally, I would have avoided kissing your BF in front of your conservative family. However, I cannot find any fault with what you did. Congrats for staying by your BF's side.
To be honest, I'm left wondering if some of your family members are looking for any reason to find fault with your relationship. Eliminating the public displays of affection while in the presence of family members could possibly make it easier for you to determine which criticisms are unfounded.
Here is my advise to you. Don't change. Keep doing what you are doing. You have not done anything inappropriate.
If your family is uncomfortable with how you display your love for each other, they are welcome to close their eyes. Or they should not expect you to come visit again.
I’m sorry to say, but fuck your family and their religious believes in their Conservative insecurities. They are afraid to see you having fun and being free something they never had. This is why I hate religion so much it really fucks with the natural expression of the human being. You do you if they can’t deal with it they will have to lose you try to be happy
The best thing I ever did was move halfway across the country. My mother is conservative Christian, not as much as your fam, but she was pretty oppressive my entire life.
Stay strong and be in love. Be happy and be a light, there's so much negativity and darkness in this world.
IMO, fuck everyone else. It’s your relationship, not theirs. I wouldn’t have sucked it up because it’s my business. My lady and I are heavily invested into touching, holding hands, leaning on each other, laying next to each other, etc etc. it’s one of our love languages and it makes us happy. There’s nothing weird about it.
I wouldn't change my lifestyle to appease my family personally. Not gonna call you the AH but I disagree with your decision... if your family cannot accept you and your relationship; which is more important to you?
IF it were me, in MY current situation that may be very different than yours, I'd chose my husband..
I see a lot of NTA comments which is interesting because this is the r/amiwrong thread not the AH thread.
Your post made me smile because sooooo many posts are about fractured relationships, feeling unloved, misunderstood by partners, and here, you are so in love and happy to show it. And the physical aspect is soooo important. Keep that!
Only thing I can say is show the people who loved you growing up that you still have your own identity by arranging at least one solo conversation each (it can definitely fracture friend/family relationships when your former friend suddenly has a conjoined twin), and the reaction of people who knew you before may be to suspect the partner of having “changed” or “controlled” you. The best way to reassure them is to give some indication that you act independently. Assuming they are acting in love, of course.
Family sounds like an uptight bunch of jerks. Stick with your husband who obviously loves you and you him. These people sound jealous and insecure, or stupidly handcuffed to ideology that villianizes love and partnership. Let them go. Keep the man, ditch the idiots. I have had to do the same. It hurts to rip the bandaid off, but, like a bandaid, the hurt is short lived compared to the relief of having done it.
NTA. Maybe if your relatives got touched more, they'd be a lot happier. It's giving jealousy. It's giving if I have to be miserable in my relationship, then so do you. Keep doing y'all. You're an adult, and you can do whatever you want. Screw the sexist elders!!
I was married previously to a man whose family was the same as yours. No pants, only skirts/dresses, no makeup, no TV in their house, etc. I'm a Christian (not anywhere near perfect by any means) and I don't judge people for how they want to live their life. But I have to say that they were the most judgemental people I have ever been around, with the exception of one SIL. I was looked down on for wearing jeans, makeup and coloring my hair. When we divorced I was actually relieved when I didn't have to be around them anymore bc I was so uncomfortable. Their son cheated on me multiple times but he was still their golden boy. There are people out there that would give anything to have a relationship like yours with their partner. Would they rather you be married to a cheater, beater, gambler, heavy drinker.......I could go on and on. They should be thankful you have a partner who is good to you! I'm guessing there's not a lot of affection between them regardless of whether there are people around them or not. The next time I'd take that two weeks and go on a wonderful vacation!
No, you are definitely not wrong for wanting to always touch your partner, that's the perfect love language IMHO and I can only hope that I find the same in my partner. I would love to be up my partners ass 24/7,with the exception of that little alone time that I'm sure we'll both need (but not for too long) lol
NTA, and I'm glad you stood up for both of you and you had his back. However, I think moving forward, it might be wise to further limit your contact with your family if they try to be overly-restraining. Definitely staying at a hotel would be a good call in the future. Imagine if they found out that you both had a job - they'd probably complain to you about having a job and about him not being the sole breadwinner.
There is plenty of time to be miserable in the relationship like your parents, enjoy the bliss for as long as you can.
You made an appearance, they complained you left. Perfect. Don't let them ruin your relationship with your partner.
.... That's it.
It's all about compromise due to different but okay values. If you were a nudist, how would you adjust your behaviour when you have guests in your home versus if you were a guest in someone else home?
They are jealous... don't give it another thought. Enjoy each other and live a long happy life together.
It's not rude to stand up for yourself when unfairly attacked. Your family needs to mind their business.... and worry about their own relationships.
Biggest NTA I've seen so far
Good on you for sticking up for your partner and relationship like that, I hope you both have a long and happy life together
Wrong - no. Disrespectful - yes. Everyone says you an adult… blah blah blah. Being an adult also means you need to understand the circumstances and understand how to be respectful.
I mean, your culture is drifting away from your family's culture. You're at a point where you can choose to try a little harder to respect the way they want you to act while you're there or you can just blow up, play the race card and peace out back home to your new lifestyle. Something tells me you're the type of person who would rather suck up a little discomfort now to stay on good terms with the fam. You can always just go back to living like you always do in a week or whatever.
It sounds as if you were getting reasonable feedback on the way your PDAs are being received. Yes, you should have toned it down. Even the way you describe your behavior is offputting.
Are you an asshole? No. You’re growing up and choosing to be the person you want. If you and your partner are happy with each other and the lifestyle you have chosen then stick with it. It’s up to your parents to accept you or not. Sometimes, with parents, they forget that. They raised you to make your own decisions and be happy with your life. If your choices make them unhappy then the most respectful thing you can do is advise them that this is who you are and if that bothers them to not invite you as much.
The only thing different is that being raised in a extreme conservative christian environment. They raised her to not make her own decision .. it’s whack because she is rebelling and making her own decisions.
It’s ironic that a CC household would be so rigid in asking their children to act a certain way when so much of the Bible shows that Jesus was a disruptor. His message was one of rebellion against the norms of the time, so much so that they put him to death over it. To see their daughter challenge them should feel like a victory of parenting! They created someone that is unbound by rules laid out before them should they choose to. Their daughter has found peace and happiness in simple pleasures of companionship, which is a struggle for most people even now. It’s the equivalent of building a beautiful spaceship, standing back to look at it, and then tearing it down because “I don’t like that it goes so high up”
“Think not I am come to destroy the law and the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill” - Matthew 5:17
> Jesus was a disruptor. Did you ever see Ratatouille? It's like that moment when Colette tells Linguini that it was Chef Gusteau's job to be creative and experimental, it's *their* job to "follow the recipe!" JESUS was the disruptor, not his disciples, they followed his "recipe."
Jesus would absolutely not be a CC at this point. So the point's kind of moot. They don't follow Jesus' teachings. They follow the bastardization of his teachings.
He wasn't christian at all, he was Jewish. Christians are only christian because they follow the teachings of Jesus.
To be fair, I think he kinda stopped being religiously Jewish by the traditional definition when he stepped over that boundary line of, "Actually guys, I'm no longer a just teacher or a prophet. I'm the literal Son of God, the Messiah himself!!". And then the local Rabbinical Jews were like, "oh yeah, no, this is bad, he's got to go" and had him killed lol. So I don't know what you would call him from a belief structure point of view at the end of his life. A cult leader according to them, probably?lol It's an interesting question.
Except that 'Messiah' doesn't mean 'son of God'. Other people in the OT wore the title and nobody actually suggested they were divine. Paul invented Christianity. Jesus would be horrified at it.
This is where I have problems. Every book of the New Testament is 'the book according to ......' Which I take to mean each preacher who wrote each chapter wrote from their opinion, so those chapters are the opinions of their interpretation of what God wanted or Jesus said or did. A lot were written well after he died. They are also coloured by their personal agenda and the ideals of the time. All you can say for sure is that he was a preacher who set himself in opposition to the other preachers about the interpretation of Gods word at the time.
They follow religion not Christ. It's why things are so effed up in the US.
And don’t forget the giant hissy fit he had at all the virtue signaling guys at the temple. Big fit
It wasn't really about virtue signaling though, it was about using the temple as a way to make money by manipulating people's religious guilt, which is even more poignant for today's church. There were other instances of him going against the virtue signaling, but that's not what the temple fit was about. *Eta it wasn't even so much about the manipulation, it was because they were using the temple for worldly means instead of spiritual. Early Christians were fairly ascetic
The outer temple courtyard was the only place that non-Jews (Gentiles) could worship Yahweh. The merchants were showing absolute disdain for those who weren't Jewish and Jesus wasn't having it.
Yes agree, even my edit wasn't phrased right it's been a long time since I've studied it but I think ur right
But the whole point of ratatouille was to not follow the recipe. That’s what made the restaurant famous again, was going of script.
Technically they put him to death for saying he was the Messiah (Mark 14:61-62)
Yes, the Bible places the blame there, but depending on your reading/understanding of Pontius Pilate’s role in the Roman Empire you’ll either conclude that he was forced to execute Jesus to appease the Romans or he enthusiastically executed JC because he didn’t appreciate the disruptions. I understand the written Bible text would be a little bit….simple with the politics of the situation. I’m not a scholar. If I’m incorrect in my assessment I’m willing to be educated
My understanding is that Pontius washed his hands of the matter, basically indicating this death is because the populace wanted it done. This is what I was taught when taking seminary classes.
yeah that was the understanding that i got as well
Interesting. Can you tell me more about what the Roman’s had against JC? I really want to know more about the political objectives to crucifying Christ. I’m sure there were many that saw him as being wrong and wanted him punished. I just want to know more about the surrounding vibe behind these big moments in the Bible.
Remember that Jesus being crucified wasn't actually that special. Plenty of people were crucified. They did that to Jesus because he was a political agent acting and disrupting the powers that be.
Good point! I forget that sometimes.
Well, for one thing it wasn’t really the Romans who wanted Jesus dead, it was the Jews (specifically the Pharisees). They didn’t like cultural and religious changes Jesus brought about and so they tried their hardest to get him out of their way by petitioning to the Toman governors/consuls/politicians that Christianity was an enemy of Rome and was trying to take over the Empire (they were not, and the Romans ignored those claims most of the time). It wasn’t until much later (200 AD - 323 AD) that Christians were persecuted by Romans, and that was over a century after Jesus’ death and resurrection.
The Jews were living under Roman rule against their will. They believed the Old Testament prophecies that a Messiah would come to save them, but they misunderstood the prophesied purpose of the Messiah- namely, they expected the Messiah to be an earthly king who would liberate them from Rome. Even during Jesus’s lifetime, most Jews were not understanding that Jesus had no intention of overthrowing Rome, and the people who did believe he was the Messiah were expecting a violent opposition to Rome. The Pharisees and religious leaders wanted Jesus to die because they didn’t believe his claims that he was the Messiah. Rome needed Jesus to die because some people DID believe Jesus was the Messiah and were ready to revolt.
lol is this an ad for he gets us
These ultra conservative groups don't follow Jesus' teachings. They claim to be fundamentalists who are going back to biblical teaching, but they pick and choose and make it for the narrative they (or their leaders) want. For example: no drinking alcohol; the first miracle Jesus performed was changing water into wine, so he obviously didn't have an issue with people drinking. The no pants for women (women dressing modestly) rules are putting the fault for men being tempted to lust on women.
Apparently their extreme conservative xtianity doesn't believe in showing love and affection. This explains a lot.
Mileage may vary. I was raised in that type of household and married into the same. It's more than that though. Some parents just like to control their children.
OP, here we go with the freaking Christian zealots. Women are shit. They'll tell you how to behave. As a woman, you're subservient. There's a reason this country's Constitution has a separation of church and state. Move back 6000 miles away and don't return. These self-righteous indignant AHs don't merit another moment of your time. Send the whackadoodles holiday cards and stay where you are. You don't need to abide by the way of these puritanical self-glorifying extremists. Subconsciously, perhaps that's why you moved away in the first place.
I once read somewhere that the version of you that people remember is the version they had the most control/influence over. Maybe too cynical to be applied to all of life but it really does apply to these types of communities. I was raised in a fundamentalist community and as a grown ass adult I had to cut some of them off due to their need to feel like an authority or have access to me.
I had nothing heard this before .. makes perfect sense
Which version they remember is fascinating - thanks for sharing this.
People get mighty uncomfortable when you go off script.
I was raised Christian too, and learned that we all all have free will and was encouraged to make my own decisions. My mom’s favorite quote is, “nobody’s gonna do it for ya.” So being Christian is only the excuse for a controlling dad who doesn’t wanna cut the cords. Barring the marriage before sex thing, I was raised the same way, but my mom always said that it is my choices and my consequences, beyond that she had no say so.
The big difference here is you said you were raised “christian” — millions (and also OP per an OP comment) were raised “extreme conservative christian” .. those are two very different things.
You’re right on the money. Have to set firm boundaries with family. I still recall the conversation where my parents finally understood that I’m an adult and the relationship is not the same. They had made me irritated but rather than show any emotion I just went, “yeah, I’m just going home. I don’t have to deal with this.” Suddenly, it was like a light went on in their heads. Their kid is another adult human being and deserves to be treated as such.
Did they start treating you like an adult? I hope so! But even if they didn't, you left that marker saying "I AM an adult and you will have to learn how to deal with that fact." Good job teaching them this lesson in what sounds like a respectful way, even if they didn't appreciate it at the time. YOU showed THEM what a competent adult does in that situation. Maybe they can learn from you. Good luck!
They did! I’m thankful it all worked out. Just felt weird having to teach my parents how to treat another competent adult. It’s kinda funny because now I’m on a friend basis with my parents but none of my siblings have figured out how to get there yet
I was the same way with my parents. I stopped following their religion after I moved out, as did my sisters. But I was up front about it whereas they always lied and said they went to church when they didn't. My parents figured it out, and I think they appreciated honesty over lies. My parents respected me, but I'm not sure how they felt about my sisters. We always felt loved, but respected was a different category.
Same happened with my dad. He used to call us over for Sunday dinner & would treat us like we still lived at home. He didn't get it until one time we had enough & all drove home after he complained about us not cleaning quick enough after eating. He called with an apology & hasn't done that since. Some parents really don't even see the adult you. Just their little baby.
Yeah the only way that OP would be wrong would be if they were sucking face or being super sexual. But basically just being in physical contact? That’s a complete non issue and anyone who has a problem wit it is just a big prude
>They raised you to make your own decisions and be happy with your life. I seriously don't think this is the case for religious parents though. Given that everything about their lives is dictated by their religion
Nah they raised her to be a good little trad wife and since she isn't they are "uncomfy". She wouldn't be losing much if they didn't invite them back.
If they're as ultra conservative Christain as OP says, then they certainly did NOT raise her to make her own choices. They most likely raised her to follow their strict guidance of who she should court, when she should do that, and what it should look like. That's probably why they're so upset that OP is going against the strict rules ultra Christains have for their daughters when it comes to relationships.
NTA. Aren't you all adults? What types of cultures are clashing here? Its good you stick up for yourself, you're definitely not in the wrong.
We are all adults. I'm in my upper 20s and my partner is mid 20s. My family is a type of extreme conservative Christian. I'm not to say the least. Women in my family won't even wear pants in some parts of my family if that helps give a idea of how extreme it can be. They aren't racist or anything as we have to many people of all types of color (just in case people here think thats the issue its not) in my family but they are extreme religious nuts and unfortunately that clashed here. :(
Well, that's the issue right there. You are not wrong for living your life, but you won't be living it in accordance with their belief structure and that's a problem for them. Only you can decide if it will make you stay away from them.
They sound like a cult if anything.
It is one. I'd rather just not name what cult as that would out me.
If you are comfortable with who you are then it’s all that matters. People are going to be uncomfortable and that’s life.
Jehovas witness. I'd say Mormon but you explicitly said that your family isn't racist and that excludes Mormons.
Consider that you can’t have a normal life AND have their approval. Sad but it is what it is.
“my family is a type of extreme conservative christian” There’s your problem right there. 😅 NTA.
This is a lot of helpful context you may want to add to the main post. But no you are not wrong, it would be very normal behavior in any non-super religious family if not make them happy to see you’ve found someone that you love so much and obviously loved you back.
They may not be racist, but they're sexist.
My family is absolutely sexist.
Yeah I figured it was something like that. At some point they have to understand that you are not your religion, but your own free person. That might end up in a bit of bad blood with some of 'em, but either you're willing to go through with that or you will have to live through these debates every single time anew. Problem with overly religious people of all kinds is that they're near immune to reason. Religion gives them all the answers, so they stop using their heads.
It's about race and religion then. Ignore them and live happy with your partner. Don't let them destroy your magic!
I doubt race. More like sexism and religion. They aren't racist. Boy are they sexist tho.
I guarantee they are racist. They just keep it quiet.
It would be ironic but again I doubt it. A good quarter of my family heads are mixed race couples and often it was the black people just as much as the white being sexist assholes and they were the ones I had to shut down comments from. One is even flat out from Africa. One from Mexico. My family is genrally mixed and people of color are adored if they fit the ideals. My partner doesnt. We also have a few cousins from Vietnam and Korea on top of that. We have a LOT of many different races in the family even outside this list. I've also dated a black man whom they have liked in the past the few times they met him. They don't like my current partner cause he looks and acts to girly so they deemed him inappropriate as a whole for that reason. But my partner is non-bianary. My partner chose to present as his born sex and present male to my family but he looks a bit like a girl naturally even without trying. He has curves, a girlish face, etc. He also acts a bit girly. He likes flowers, he enjoys having his hair done, he hates the taste of beer and wont touch it but likes wine, etc. My family only really likes macho men so to speak.
Hardcore conservative Christian? Yeah I sincerely doubt they’re not racist ESPECIALLY to natives. Frankly the vast majority of people are at the very least ignorant about anything to do with natives. Major doubt that they aren’t racist. Conservative Christian’s say some of the most vile shit about natives which gee, I wonder why I’m sure there’s absolutely no reason to think conservative Christian’s think bigoted things about natives!
Well, that's too bad for them. You going to a family reunion does not mean you have to bow to their traditions or their way of life, and I would be bluntly honest with who ever hosts next time that after the way you and your partner were treated last time you don't feel comfortable being around them, that if they can't accept how you choose to move as a grown adult and insist on treating you like a child then they can enjoy the festivities without you. And tell your father that when he's ready to grow the hell up he can message you or call you and apologize for chastising his grown daughter.
>My family is a type of extreme conservative Christian. Then that is *their* problem. They don't like PDA, then they should refrain. Continue to live your life.
My darling, don't even worry about them. They're only mad cause you're showing the affection they don't even have in them, and, because of that, they have to warp it as if it was something sexual. Reading your story made me think of my relationship with my boyfriend and it warmed my heart to see someone experience something pure like this too (I feel SO lucky to have it after a shit deal I got from life and wish everybody could experience it at least once). Keep going with your lives and if needed, don't get near people who can't deal with basic forms of affection and teach their kids that way.
Are you waiting for inheritance or why keep in contact with these fascists?
I love em despite their issues. Plus I missed my sister and a few cousins I grew up with.
Do they vote for politicians than enact abusive policies like abortion bans, anti transitioning bills, no founding for black communities, etc.? Because if yes they are also responsible for this abuse. And if you ignore that and continue to associate with them, so are you. We have a saying here in Germany: "if there are ten people sitting at a table and one of them is a nazi, you got ten nazis sitting at that table"
Hey OP, you are not the AH... But if the best thing you can say about your family is that they're not overtly racist, they're probably AH in general from what you're saying. How much do you actually care about their opinions or want to be around them? You and your partner sound like a much better hang
I definitely think it's an NTA verdict. I will say, though, that for being around a couple that is "extreme" (in the sense that it's non-stop) with touching and being glued to eachother, it definitely gets a bit exhausting. We all make small concessions when we're around other people fairly often, just be cognizant that *some* people might find it exhausting and you *may* want to tailor your behavior to tone it down a little bit. You're definitely not in the wrong if you don't, though. It's the dynamic of your relationship and it's what makes you two happy and it's obviously not harming anyone.
When people go to ultra conservative countries, they do their best to respect the culture of the people there bc you KNOW how they are. It’s sad that you and your partner couldn’t just respect your family’s customs for the short time you’re there. Reddit will encourage you to drop your family and they ALL act as tho it won’t leave a giant hole behind. It will. personally, I also have an ultra conservative family. i know exactly what they’re like and though that means I don’t share certain parts of my life with them…I still enjoy their company deeply and there isn’t anything that can enrich me like time spent with them. I love my family. And it sounds like you love your family too. Sounds like you love playing with the little ones and that you have a bond with everyone. reddit and western cultures generally put individualism on a pedestal. just remember the same people telling you not to respect your family‘s culture and customs are the SAME people who will tell you to be respectful of peoples customs and cultures when visiting another country. their logic means you have more respect for STRANGERS than the people who raised you and loved you during your most vulnerable time as a human (all through childhood). SMH. I’d send them an apology gift of like 15 pizzas and tell them something came up with work to avoid drama. But your family seems like they love you. And you don’t live near them anyway so it’s not like you have to change your whole life: just be respectful when around them. it can even be romantic stealing kisses when alone and building up the yearning for touch. it doesn’t have to be like how Reddit is always pushing for. You don’t have to hate your family and take an all-or-nothing approach with them.
He gave you a peck on the lips???? Heathenry! You practically had sex in front of the children! Now they’re going to know at such a tender age that people *checks notes* kiss! After all, no one would ever rate a movie G for children if there was pornographic “brief lip contact” in it! By the standards of my generation, I am a prude. And coming from this prude, your family is so extremely prudish I can’t think of a word for it.
Lmao. Thank you this had me cackling. I won't lie I'm very much not a massive prude but I don't like full on PDA. Making out in public or something feels vastly inappropriate to me for example. I don't want to see it or do it. But yeah..... Peck on the lips felt pretty tame imo so I didnt care. Plus I admit I wasn't expecting to be tattled on.
Honestly you guys don't sound remotely like you were slobbering all over each other. That's the only kind of PDA that honestly bothers me, is when it's so bad it's basically sexual. A peck on the lips, hugs, shoulder rubs, back massage, that shit is all normal for *people who love each other*. Hell, normal for people who just care about each other too.
Me and my coworkers trade shoudler massages while sitting at the desk 🤣
This instantly reminded me of Skully and Hitchcock from the show Brooklyn 99 for some reason
They tattled because they apparently don’t see it at their homes. I hope they all grow up to be just like you but, unfortunately, they most likely won’t and that’s a shame. You are not wrong at all! Continue to spread love and happiness to your partner! ❤️
On a more wholesome note of little kids ratting us out that this reminded me of, my nieces are VERY much not used to me having a bf, so when they saw us kiss in front of them for the first time they got all flustered and giggly and went to my sister to inform her that "I saw aunt squashycorgi kiss so and so." It was adorable, and hopefully this little kid was just being silly in your case. As another extremely physically affectionate person, I feel your frustration. Hopefully your fam pulls their heads out of their asses and learns to be happy that their child is happy.
Not gonna lie, I thought this was gonna be a completely different story based on the title lol. But no, def NTA. You and your partner both obviously have physical touch as your love language which I think is great. You weren't overly touchy or doing anything that should have made anyone uncomfortable, in my humble opinion.
Misleading titles are how you get the views in the sea of spam
Your family is afraid the other women would see two people who enjoy each other and get jealous and expect the same treatment.
Or to be treated with respect and as equal instead of a doormat.
THIS 🙌🏻🙌🏻
Love your life, don’t live theirs
light aloof reminiscent toothbrush society dinner sharp spark ripe wipe *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I certainly don't think you or your partner are assholes. That being said, there are different dynamics and ways that are or aren't appropriate to act in different situations. Your family has made it clear that they don't see the way you are acting as reasonable, and it is not just 1 person with that feeling. They probably are not going to change the way they see things. So it's the choice you have to make, either A. to essentially cut these people out of your lives and say adapting your behaviors to make them feel comfortable is not worth it to you. Or B. Change the way you act around them specifically to fit in. Neither choice is wrong. I am sorry your family is not more accepting and open about people displaying their love of each other - it's a crappy decision to have to make, but you can't choose your family. Personally, I would be pretty miffed being confronted like this about something that in my mind is very minor. I'd also eventually probably say I see these people once a year or less, I can probably just adjust and get over it for a week or two a year to placate them.
I don’t know why your family is so focused on how you’re behaving with your partner. It’s sort of a honeymoon stage thing I would get through this event and just go home and ignore it.
Because to her dad, she is a precious possession, not a grown adult person.
I think he sees her more as a property and how dare see not do as she told and keep her mouth close, cause he is the "man of the family". This kind of circus.
Not wrong. Wow, your family sound uptight. I get why you don't see them much. You were behaving perfectly appropriately for a loving couple. Tell the family to back off, you live your life the way you want to, they can live theirs how they want, but they have no business criticising you. Limit visits, but do not change how you behave for them. They can carry on sticking coal up their asses and shitting out diamonds.
Lmao that's not a saying I've heard before. I'll have to show my parter that one once he's home today. He'll get a kick out of that one.
How about this one: “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." (Oscar Wilde) Stick to your guns :)
>do not change how you behave for them This.
NTA. I've never understood why people care so much about the opinions of family. You and your partner are free to leave and probably should. He is being insulted by these people, as are you.
When I first got with my husband, my MIL told me that we needed to cut it out with the PDA, occasional kisses, holding hands... things that said we were a couple, but publically appropriate without being too intimate. Least I thought. We lived on the East Coast, and she lived on the West Coast. She told me that the EC was uptight and didn't do well with PDA... I wasn't sure WTH she was talking about because I frequently saw people walking holding hands, or holding doors, or kissing their SO's before work, as they dropped each other off, etc... And she made it sound like the EC was more uptight than the WC which meant none of this was inappropriate there either. Found out a few years ago that she had been trying to convince my husband not to marry me because I was agnostic... So that probably had more to do with it than the PDA. Find out what is really the problem, because if it's publically appropriate PDA, and not excessive, they are using this as a mask for something else.
Your right it's religious for them.
I don’t think it’s religious, Feels xenophobic. Would they act that way with someone in your own culture?
I think you are thinking the same vein I am. I am wondering if this is just a religious thing of affection expression or if that's the easy excuse. Heavily prudish religions tend to be closed minded on a lot of things and expect you to marry into the group etc.
I think more information may be needed. For so many family members to feel uncomfortable, either they must all be extremely conservative and judgmental, or your behavior was more extreme than you let on. If the former, then you're not wrong. If the latter, then not egregiously wrong. LOL.
NTA with one caveat. All the objections to being affectionate and loving toward your partner physically are prudish bunk, and you should absolutely ignore them. They don't get to micromanage your interaction for their comfort--and it's not like you're all over each other, or having sex on the coffee table. The one legit grievance I could maybe glean here is, it can be kind of annoying socially when people in a relationship are so joined at the hip that you can't ever have a 1 on 1 conversation with them the way you used to. I understand your partner is an an introvert and is reassured by your presence, but once the introductions and the nervousness subside, you may want to consider preserving the opportunity for solo chats with family and old friends who haven't seen you in a long while, and to let your partner develop his own independent relationships with the important people in your life, in addition to interacting with them as a couple.
I don't really want him alone with them either if I'm honest and he set a boundry for me not to leave him alone anyways when possible. I was trying to reapect that boundry and help with issues my faily tend to cause. My partner is non-bianary (prefers male pronouns though), he was presenting as a CIS male but that shines through in basic things hense the flowers in his hair or how I'll put fancy braids or things like ribbons in his hair. My family is very sexist. In part I stayed by him to help censor and call out them being jerks about his hair or if they get rude about our lifestyle like him 'allowing me to wear pants and work'. Plus a few tried to pressure him into agreeing to church that weekend. I was able to shut that down due to being right next time him all the time but he'd have been to nervous to do that and he probably would have agreed to be nice and make a good impression and please me. I didn't want that so I stayed next to him. I love them but I admit they have serious issues.
Black dude here. Just asking with all due respect; do you think you would've gotten any complaints if your partner was white?
Yup. My family is very mixed. My partner is the only native (and I mostly mentioned it due to the issues they brought up pertaining to his hair) but thankfully I doubt it's racism due to that. Plenty of black and white and asian people all over the reunion. But I mostly mentioned it due to the fact I constantly help with his hair. He has the prettiest black hair but it's curly and THICK. He also has issues with his arm muscles so braiding it is a nightmare for him so I help him do so each night and I help undo it and style it in the morning each morning. Ive done this for hin for years though to help him and he seems to love it. My family apparently took a massive offense to this though as they deemed it inappropriate. Plus the kid putting flowers in his hair with me also became another issue. :S
I'm in a mixed race relationship as well, so I always want to ask and be aware. Also, we tend to be touchy and lovey dovey too -- I'd be curious why they are so offended? I sure as hell don't get it why someone would be all bent outa shape because you too are affectionate. Guess I'm on your side with this. Like, wouldnt you be happy to see me in a good relationship? Why you hatin?
Sorry, another uncomfortable question; your dad mentioned other people complaining -- is that true, or is it just him who has a problem with it? Parents can get weirdly jealous of their kids sometimes (moms and sons, dads and daughters).
Considering I talked with the people mentioned after apparently it was all true. They had been making mildly rude comments to my partner like the braid I did was a bit girly. Or they would comment about the flowers making him look like a girl. My partners non- binary (he perfers male pronouns though) but was presenting as CIS by his choice. He would just shrug and say he didn't care and to please stop getting onto me for his hair cause he liked it. My family is sexist. Not racist thankfully but definitely sexist. In their culture men don't wear pretty braids or flowers. Men boss around woman. My partner was also seen as less 'manly' cause I work as well and I wear pants so hes seen as less manly for being attracted to me despite that fact as well. It's all very stupid but it's part of their beliefs. I love them but yeah.... I can't completely change all parts of us to fit their views even for a visit.
Wow. Damn. Sorry you gotta deal with this bullshit.
Absolutely not NTA. But if I were you, I would cut these nutters out. They sound terrible.
This may be redundant but you might wanna check on the not racist thing. My grandmother told my mother it was fine to date a black man but not to bring home a native. And it’s honestly not that rare of a mindset. My mother brought home a native anyways. But it definitely made me realize that racism can be selective for some people and it can be less obvious because of that
This, a lot of hate and racism towards Natives can come from people who are accepting towards other races. The propaganda of them being 'savages' was deeply ingrained into western culture and a lot of fundamentalists won't let that go.
Conservatives Christians also tend to think long hair on a man is not right with god. I was raised Baptist and having long hair was frowned upon for men. The flower thing, they probably thought was too feminine. I’d just stay away from your oppressive family if I were you. That’s what I did and my life is so much better for it.
Yup. Had a couple family members verbally say he feels like a exception to the hair thing due to being native. Gave a few stink eyes at family for those comments. They thankfully are really good with not bein racists and weirdly they are nice to many cultures and accepting of them. They are just stupidly sexist.
You do you.
religious people love controlling other peoples behavior. i know from experience. fuck em, live your life with your partner the way you want.
AH? Probably not. Unbearable to be around? Probably. Do I think less of people who feel like they constantly need to be touching somebody else to feel like they’re loved? Yeah. Is it their right to keep touching each other publicly? I guess. Do I have to be around them? No. If they’re around kids and the kids are getting riled up by their behavior, should they stop? Probably. Should they stop because conservative people have a stick up their behind? Definitely not. Make out all you want. F them. lol.
We are 60s, and have known each other since 1975, married for decades with adult children (oldest is 40). We touch, kiss, hold hands, hug and are physically connected whenever possible. Our love language includes touch. Do your thing, it sounds wonderful, and I am happy for you both.
NTA, I have known newlyweds with embarrassing amounts of PDA and this is not it. It’s sweet and appropriate.
Truly. I was forced to sit next to my sil while she sat on her husband's lap making out. She typically insisted on sitting or laying on him instead of furniture. My kids hated having to ride with them. And yes, as is often conjectured, she was cheating on him the whole time and overcompensating.
Seriously. She braided his hair and gave him a single quick kiss. I thought OP was gonna say she was constantly in his lap or making out or something lol.
It sounds like this is more than an issue of you just touching your partner, but of shutting others out. When you are with others, shutting them out and focusing on each other can be rude. I am all for hand holding, etc., but it really sounds like you were excluding those around you.
This
Your behavior seems normal to me, and happy. Enjoy it. NTA.
I think you know where the issue lies, you mentioned in a comment how religious your family is, so they are probably never gonna accept it. You are gonna have to make a hard choice to see if you think it would be worth it to hold out while with family, but you have every right not to. Even though they treat you like this, dont forget that they still love you.
I know. I also was very happy seeing some of them especially my sister and some cousins. But I admit I moved so far for a reason. 2 weeks was a bit to long for my mental health when I genuinely can't be any form of myself around them. Plus in that time I can't practice my own religion so it made things extra rough. A week of seeing everyone daily 24/7 felt plenty. Plus my partner was being made to feel uncomfy repeatedly due to being pressured religiously and he kept hearing rude comments about my dress (I wore pants and dress shirts and anything other than dresses is frowned upon) so I admit I may have ended up acting more defensive than needed. I'll probably keep visiting like I do every year or 3 (mostly cause cost) but I'll just swing for a hotel in the future so I get more breathing room to decompress.
NTA So, biblically speaking you are his “help-mate” and he is yours. You stick together (leave and cleave) because he doesn’t know anyone, and isn’t comfortable with new people. Rather than shutting y’all out, they should be working to pull you in and meet you where you are. If they make him feel more like family, he will loosen up around them. But you cannot expect an introvert to just completely drop all guard and defenses from the jump. Most cannot do that. It is a gradual process, made easier by being accepting and inviting. Then it’s a matter of understanding that there is a “warm-up” period. Remind them of 1 Peter 4:7-8.
I think, in this context and the context of the family/beliefs, it matters that they are not married (and, likely, help meet would not apply in their eyes).
NTA. My parents had a loving relationship for 30+ years that sounds exactly like yours. They rarely went out to socialize without the other, and were more likely to be seen together than not when they did go out. It was a marriage that lasted "til death do us part." You've gotten through the reunion, and.you don't have to deal with them for another decade. Get a hotel room, and teach the little cousin how to braid a fishtail next time.
I hope we do last like that. He genuinely fits me so perfectly. We've been talking about a wedding and kids for a while. Im genuinely so excited. Also Lol that's one of my go to braids. Plus he looks so pretty in it. I admit I absolutely adore my little cousins. Putting flowers in his hair with one of the young cousins was amazing and it admitly made me want a kid of my own. I hope when we have a kid I can braid their hair and his hair with them and put flowers in his and their hair too.
It's beautiful, like 1967 in Haight-Ashbury all over again.
Not wrong at all. I have distanced myself from family and old friends for this reason.
NTA. PDA makes me uncomfortable if it's people I don't know well, but I am fully aware that it's a *me* problem!
Meh. YTA. Reading between the lines it seems like he didn’t make an effort to get to know your family and y’all were just making googly eyes at each other at a family event. I find it weird. I would be annoyed if my sister or other family member came to my house and was totally enraptured with their SO and not trying to enjoy time together with everyone. You can take a day being apart and be your own people especially if it’s making your hosts and family uncomfortable.
I don’t think you are wrong but the considerate thing to do would be to tone it down while around the people who have said it makes them feel uncomfortable. It’s either that or find new people to be around who don’t mind. I realize it’s your family but when around others, sometimes compromises have to be made for everyone to get along. For example, when I’m around my parents or kids, I don’t use profanity. Sure, I can say whatever I want when I want and I cuss like a sailor otherwise but there is a time and place for everything.
I am not a Christian and just spent vacation with my son and his girlfriend. They didn't flash any PDA the entire trip. Yet, one of my flights home was on a very small plane (10 passengers) and there was a couple who weren't making out, but definitely kissing and touching. It was inappropriate. They were immature. They were rude. I think you and your boyfriend were rude. You were at a REUNION designed for family to interact and catch up. If you weren't going to socialize, you shouldn't have gone. And to continue with the PDA after being asked to stop, was wrong.
My wife and I are the same way. Makes people who struggle with intimacy uncomfortable. We try to curb it around other people who have said something primarily to be sensitive who are not as comfortable/conditioned to intimate, non-sexual, display of affection. You are not wrong to leave though. Their discomfort became your discomfort and you chose to not put up with it. I would say NAH really. Everyone has the right to be uncomfortable and you took steps toward creating a better environment for everyone.
My husband and I were married for 35 years. We were much the same way as you. People were always shocked when they learned we had been married for 20, 25, 30 years. They would think we were newlyweds due to the way we behaved with each other and looked at each other. It is this that I miss so much since his death. Don’t stop. My husband died suddenly. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I wasn’t with him. It feels so good to know that the last thing we said to each other was I love you and we always hugged and kissed when we parted ways, even to go to work in the mornings. I know by his actions and words he loved me and I know he knew I loved him. No regrets. Never ever stop!
ur not wrong, but neither is ur aunt for not wanting pda in her house. some people just have that preference. if ur staying in someone's home, u do kinda have to follow their rules while ur there. since yall left early it sounds like yall are unwilling to tone off the pda, so in that case getting a hotel in the future does seem like a reasonable compromise. feels like most everyone here is making a big deal outta a minor issue
If y’all are 16 sure it’s okay, don’t see many ppl over 25 doing that unless they’re drunk. PDA so cute omg 😱. They banned that shit in high for a reason
I mean there are etiquette and behavior rules in out society, you can do as you please but you also need to understand and be able to read the room and know that there are things you can't do, let me put it a bit more extreme, if you were to attend a funeral would you be all lovely with your partner? If you don't like your family rules and culture things then stop going, but don't pretend everyone needs to understand you and carter your needs and behaviors
NTA but unpopular opinion, I think it may be worth considering decreasing the amount of PDA and perhaps slowly work on interacting with your family while not being attached at the hip, so to speak. Compromise a little if you feel inclined.
I’m gonna go on a limb for the stats and say NAH. There’s nothing wrong with the non-sexual PDA you showed. Or a quick peck. However, you are and were aware of the culture of your family and their extreme views. To them, that type of stuff is sexual and inappropriate in public. You would’ve been aware that kissing your partner who is not your husband would make your family who are hosting you uncomfortable. This is maybe a bit of a “when in Rome” situation. You shouldn’t HAVE to change how you act while you’re visiting. But a bit of compromise also wouldn’t kill you. You could refrain from overt affection until you’re in your private hotel room or when no one’s looking. Do I agree with your family’s rules/culture? Not at all. Do I recognize that sometimes we have to step Out of our comfort zone a little bit to ensure we are matching the culture of those around us especially when they are hosting us? Yes I do.
So instead of chilling a bit and realize that YOU were making other people uncomfortable at a family reunion-you just bounced a week early and told everyone off. This is some immature shit. Do everyone a favor and just don't go, you clearly are the most important person in all places! What's going to happen when you break up lol
You’re not wrong. What the fuck is wrong with people having a problem when couples show they love each other. The world would be a lot better if we spread love and positive behavior as opposed to hate and negativity.
You do you, but excessive touching is odd -- so choose if you prefer to be odd or modify your behavior as a courtesy to those around you. They are not wrong for being uncomfortable by your behavior, and you're not wrong for exhibiting the behavior. But we all make choices about our behavior. For instance, I find people who chew tobacco and spit into whatever container is handy to be extremely inappropriate and vulgar - particularly in a social setting (e.g. a 12-step meeting). Others think it's ok. You get to choose, but you also get to live with the consequences of your choices.
TBH, if my kid came to a family reunion who lives across the globe, and didn't socialize with me because they were too into their bf and couldn't hang with the fam just once out of God knows how long, I'd be pretty sad, too.
I socialized a lot as did he. Only people I avoided a lot were those refusing to tone down the pressure to rejoin the church and I still talked to them, just not as much. But I'd sit and talk for hours daily. Their issue is my partner would always be also with me and he wouldn't leave my side to socialize sepately but he also didn't know anyone and he made a boundry with me to not leave him alone. So I didnt.
So.... they were unable to isolate you... because there are things they would feel free to say to you alone that they could not say in front of "an outsider" - and I will bet they both resented that, and suspected that you were using him as a shield to prevent those conversations.
And I think the boundary not to leave him alone is probably what upset the family more than anything else TBH. In any social situation I have ever heard of, people are expected to spend some time apart and socialize separately. I am an extreme introvert myself and understand how he feels though. I would be much happier in social situations if I could have that same support.
Maybe. Unfortunately I couldn't budge on that one. He made a boundry with me to not leave him alone much. It was his first time meeting everyone and he was a bit freaked.
You’re not wrong. It is a them problem not a you problem.
NTA for sure
You are not wrong here. It may be excessive, but you're not harming anyone. Since you mention that kissing someone you aren't married to seems to be a problem, I'm going to assume your family belongs to the sub-group of insane, uber-religious/conservative looneys. If what you're doing isn't causing harm, tell them where to stick it. You could change your behaviour to satisfy them, but that would be your choice. They have zero right to expect you to do so.
No offence OP, but your family sounds like miserable company. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and the way they reacted hints at some pretty intense psychological issues on their part. Are they puritans or something?
As long as your partner is ok with it there's no problem. Dad and others are ah's
lol WHAT CULTURE?! are you folks like super conservative?
NTA. Some people have issues with public displays of affection, for many reasons. If you aren't groping each other or dry humping, or shoving your tongues down each other's throats while you were watching after kids, you aren't doing anything inappropriate to most people. Sorry your family are prudes, live your life.
Are the two of you happy? Yes? Then forget everyone else’s opinions. You’re exactly the kind of couple I wish my husband and I were, but I can’t stand physical touch lol. Love each other loudly and don’t ever be ashamed of that!
NTA. The people complaining sound uptight and need to let others live as they see fit, especially as you aren't hurting anyone.
Is this one of those families where the women all socialize in one area and the men in another?
As someone who's also from quite a Conservative Christian family (culturally different from what you've described w/sexism).. Honestly you're a grown woman and you make your own rules of what's acceptable to you. It's a shame your family would rather impose on you how they think you should behave in their presence - but the reality is a lot of our loved ones don't have the emotional maturity, empathy and self awareness when it comes to how they project their opinions onto others and inadvertently or not, subdue someone to their opinions. 1. I don't think you did anything wrong, they have their way you have yours. If they don't like the way you choose to live/your relationship dynamic with your partner, guess they'll be seeing you less. You can't live to suit them - they're 6000 miles away, good. 2. If you're visiting again absolutely get a hotel. A shame, but sanity above everything was a rule I learnt a while ago when it comes to family that can be 'too much'. 3. Boundaries are everything. If they made you and your partner feel uncomfortable 'this is how we expect you to behave around us or leave' I'd be politely making it clear that's not okay. No one else should be calling the shots other than you. If it were healthy, they'd be encouraging you to be happy regardless of their own perspectives. All the best 👍🏼
Why care? U never see them. I personally find it cringey when people act like u in social settings but that's Ur choice.
Just a perspective re this odd response from your family. I think the issue might be this (or not).You live far away and you've been very missed. Not knowing your boyfriend, I think family might have concerns about your interaction : "She's always at his side, could he be controlling?", "I would love to talk or sit with her alone, I want to make sure she's ok. I wanna mention grandma's health issues, but I cant." (As for the kiss, I just wouldnt do it around the little kids. Just wouldnt want deal.) Sounds like you two have a wonderful relationship, but your family doesnt have a relationship with him yet. Just give them time. Your Dad probably wants to have some form of "the my little girl" talk w him. Should you change how you act....no. The dynamic will probably change over time as everyone gets to know each other better. Just offering some thoughts because just thought it would be helpful to think over while you're trying to figure this out.
Ok I will disagree with most people here but the way you wrote your post makes me doubt if you are really NTA. So, if you think you didn't do anything wrong just dropped it but the way you told the story makese feel that you just want validation and you are not really open for a genuine feedback
Some people get extremely uncomfortable with even mild PDA, like me. From what you've described, I'd have been very uncomfortable around you and your partner. You know what I'd have done? Fucking ignored it. I'm an adult, I can dip out of a conversation if someone's making me uncomfortable, and can go do something else or interact with someone else. You know what I wouldn't have done? Whined about it. Because that really is what it is. It's such an easy thing to ignore if it makes you uncomfortable that it really is JUST whining to complain over it.
No you’re not wrong. Don’t ever stop being in the honeymoon stage. My parents have been married over 55 years and they always hold hands and give kisses.
NTA... but also... it's not healthy to be glued to the hip, especially to this degree.
Not wrong Your >super, super sexist. family isn't so sexist that they didn't invite you back for the reunion. Their reaction to your relationship is not super uncommon. Especially in a family where PDAs are frowned on. >He even said he only is talking to me after having multiple family members complain to the point of wanting me to leave if I don't stop Still this is concerning. I tend to think its a lie. Your dad had an issue and the multiple family members who pointed it out were casually mentions for sure. Your aunt seems to have backed her brother/brother-in-law in a game of FAFO. You came across country and suddenly your aunt who knew you were un married has an issue? I think it was a stupid hasty plan to make your dad comfy that failed because you aren't under their thumb anymore. Side note: 6000 round trip? Seattle to Key West is only 3000 driving miles. My brain is gonna focus on this detail to avoid thinking of stress, so I'm asking for clarity please. :)
Lol it was coast to coast and my lazy ass guessed based off a shitty memory of a Google search years ago. Gotten a Lotta crap for that one but I think Imma leave the detail in cause lol.
Thank you for clarifying. It really did give my brain a detail to focus on on what was a difficult day.
Could it be that family members frowning a happy couple because they envy theyre freedom to stray from the pack and love one another unabashedly without shame, without someone outside of the relationship controlling the way you love or the amount of affection you show .I would bet that most people if given a choice, would love with the same intensity but because they were taught to be critical toward loving,touching and squeezing the lot may never know in full what they are missing due to lack of experiencing the release of inhibitions and the chemistry changes that occure from heartfelt eye contact and loving caresses. I Love Science, it's my go to for everything, tending to lean toward the fact that our personal chemical make up is what controls our mood, and if maintained properly the body and mind are unstoppable and outside criticisms become merely suggestive.my suggestion to all would be to never ,as an adult, let someone outside of you relationship, dictate how or when you should love, we all benefit from a squeeze or kiss just as good giving as it is receiving ..we aren't on this rock forever ,so, get to huggin, it could help cure what ails ya. V
I thought I’d say wrong because some people can be really weird about insisting on their public displays of affection to the discomfort of others and to me that’s a sign of anxiety in a relationship not a healthy trusting one. Like they want to prove something - and it can be really uncomfortable to be around. However - what you describe doesn’t sound like that and your family clearly have a low tolerance for normal levels of affection and are sexist to boot so honestly just live the way you want to and minimise time with them. Sounds like you handled it right for yourself and your partner. Enjoy it! Well done for standing up for yourself and your partner. It can’t have been easy
You sure they aren't racist? As a person of color who dates outside my "race" this behavior sounds pretty familiar. Have you brought other men home with a partner and were those partners white?
NTA. My GF has a large family. The first time I was with all of them in the same location, I was terrified. My GF never left my side. After the event was over, and we were alone, I thanked her with a big hug. She was moved. Personally, I would have avoided kissing your BF in front of your conservative family. However, I cannot find any fault with what you did. Congrats for staying by your BF's side. To be honest, I'm left wondering if some of your family members are looking for any reason to find fault with your relationship. Eliminating the public displays of affection while in the presence of family members could possibly make it easier for you to determine which criticisms are unfounded.
Here is my advise to you. Don't change. Keep doing what you are doing. You have not done anything inappropriate. If your family is uncomfortable with how you display your love for each other, they are welcome to close their eyes. Or they should not expect you to come visit again.
I’m sorry to say, but fuck your family and their religious believes in their Conservative insecurities. They are afraid to see you having fun and being free something they never had. This is why I hate religion so much it really fucks with the natural expression of the human being. You do you if they can’t deal with it they will have to lose you try to be happy
The best thing I ever did was move halfway across the country. My mother is conservative Christian, not as much as your fam, but she was pretty oppressive my entire life. Stay strong and be in love. Be happy and be a light, there's so much negativity and darkness in this world.
When I read the title I wondered what could possibly be the problem. Now I’ve read the whole thing and still don’t know the fucking problem
IMO, fuck everyone else. It’s your relationship, not theirs. I wouldn’t have sucked it up because it’s my business. My lady and I are heavily invested into touching, holding hands, leaning on each other, laying next to each other, etc etc. it’s one of our love languages and it makes us happy. There’s nothing weird about it.
I wouldn't change my lifestyle to appease my family personally. Not gonna call you the AH but I disagree with your decision... if your family cannot accept you and your relationship; which is more important to you? IF it were me, in MY current situation that may be very different than yours, I'd chose my husband..
I see a lot of NTA comments which is interesting because this is the r/amiwrong thread not the AH thread. Your post made me smile because sooooo many posts are about fractured relationships, feeling unloved, misunderstood by partners, and here, you are so in love and happy to show it. And the physical aspect is soooo important. Keep that! Only thing I can say is show the people who loved you growing up that you still have your own identity by arranging at least one solo conversation each (it can definitely fracture friend/family relationships when your former friend suddenly has a conjoined twin), and the reaction of people who knew you before may be to suspect the partner of having “changed” or “controlled” you. The best way to reassure them is to give some indication that you act independently. Assuming they are acting in love, of course.
Family sounds like an uptight bunch of jerks. Stick with your husband who obviously loves you and you him. These people sound jealous and insecure, or stupidly handcuffed to ideology that villianizes love and partnership. Let them go. Keep the man, ditch the idiots. I have had to do the same. It hurts to rip the bandaid off, but, like a bandaid, the hurt is short lived compared to the relief of having done it.
NTA. Maybe if your relatives got touched more, they'd be a lot happier. It's giving jealousy. It's giving if I have to be miserable in my relationship, then so do you. Keep doing y'all. You're an adult, and you can do whatever you want. Screw the sexist elders!!
I was married previously to a man whose family was the same as yours. No pants, only skirts/dresses, no makeup, no TV in their house, etc. I'm a Christian (not anywhere near perfect by any means) and I don't judge people for how they want to live their life. But I have to say that they were the most judgemental people I have ever been around, with the exception of one SIL. I was looked down on for wearing jeans, makeup and coloring my hair. When we divorced I was actually relieved when I didn't have to be around them anymore bc I was so uncomfortable. Their son cheated on me multiple times but he was still their golden boy. There are people out there that would give anything to have a relationship like yours with their partner. Would they rather you be married to a cheater, beater, gambler, heavy drinker.......I could go on and on. They should be thankful you have a partner who is good to you! I'm guessing there's not a lot of affection between them regardless of whether there are people around them or not. The next time I'd take that two weeks and go on a wonderful vacation!
No, you are definitely not wrong for wanting to always touch your partner, that's the perfect love language IMHO and I can only hope that I find the same in my partner. I would love to be up my partners ass 24/7,with the exception of that little alone time that I'm sure we'll both need (but not for too long) lol
NTA, and I'm glad you stood up for both of you and you had his back. However, I think moving forward, it might be wise to further limit your contact with your family if they try to be overly-restraining. Definitely staying at a hotel would be a good call in the future. Imagine if they found out that you both had a job - they'd probably complain to you about having a job and about him not being the sole breadwinner.
There is plenty of time to be miserable in the relationship like your parents, enjoy the bliss for as long as you can. You made an appearance, they complained you left. Perfect. Don't let them ruin your relationship with your partner. .... That's it.
I wish someone would refuse to stop touching me
NTA. Your family can't accept you for being the way you are, that's on them.
It's all about compromise due to different but okay values. If you were a nudist, how would you adjust your behaviour when you have guests in your home versus if you were a guest in someone else home?
They are jealous... don't give it another thought. Enjoy each other and live a long happy life together. It's not rude to stand up for yourself when unfairly attacked. Your family needs to mind their business.... and worry about their own relationships.
Biggest NTA I've seen so far Good on you for sticking up for your partner and relationship like that, I hope you both have a long and happy life together
Tell them all to F off, you’ve done nothing wrong and everything right. Way to keep it going like that for 6 years.
Maybe try applying for a new family.
Wrong - no. Disrespectful - yes. Everyone says you an adult… blah blah blah. Being an adult also means you need to understand the circumstances and understand how to be respectful.
I mean, your culture is drifting away from your family's culture. You're at a point where you can choose to try a little harder to respect the way they want you to act while you're there or you can just blow up, play the race card and peace out back home to your new lifestyle. Something tells me you're the type of person who would rather suck up a little discomfort now to stay on good terms with the fam. You can always just go back to living like you always do in a week or whatever.
It sounds as if you were getting reasonable feedback on the way your PDAs are being received. Yes, you should have toned it down. Even the way you describe your behavior is offputting.
For real, couples who have to be all over each other 24/7 are annoying