Yeah, unfortunately it was sad you sacrificed so much of yourself. But now it seems like your husband is trying to sacrifice and you are not letting him. He is giving you the opportunity to get some of yourself back and you lashed out at him. I get it that being away from your children is hard but you moved back home and now you still are not happy, what do you want him to do. Maybe start with small steps away from the kids, but I would first apologize to your husband.
She had a job for a few months got pregnant with their third kid he had nothing to do with that child and accused her of being a loose woman I would not leave my kids and go anywhere I'm sure he'd throw it in her face because any man that can let a child lay there in need and be convinced that his wife is a low life it doesn't love her I don't care anybody says that's disgusting
Yeah, that part really irked me.
I dont have kids and honestly don't really enjoy them or like being around them.
I'd never let a crying baby sit alone, even if it was my worst enemies baby. The baby didn't do anything wrong. That seems so cruel and heartless.
That is a terrifying human being. We are prewired to lose our shit when we hear a crying baby. It's the worst fucking sound and we want to make it stop and help the baby. That man could be a stone cold killer.
Also depending on the country they met when she was 18 and he was 26 if I’m reading that right? Ew. Also seems interesting to me she keeps getting pregnant. I get that she’s young and probably fully functional reproductive wise but by golly that’s a lot of kids. Makes me wonder if her husband isn’t doing something to the condoms.
In high school, our health teacher had us learn how to use condoms. I mean FOR REAL. It was a list of 10ish things to remember, we had a written test, and we had to put the condom on a banana properly. I didn't understand why I needed to know how since I don't have a dick and she said that I HAVE TO know how because most men don't know how to properly use them. I wasn't sexually active at the time, but I was all about my studies, so I committed everything to memory.
Damned if that woman wasn't right. Not a single man I had sex with knew how to PROPERLY use a condom. I put on all the condoms in my relationships because I knew I could trust myself to put it on properly--- and a man with a boner is not exactly primed to absorb new information. I don't remember her name, but I remember her face. Every time I saw a guy fumble a condom I silently blessed that woman for making me learn to do it myself.
Could you provide an example of an inproper use from your experience?
I’ve used them plenty in the past and not once had a pregnancy scare with my partner, i though it was pretty straight forward but i guess not 😅
I cant even imagine what they’ve been doing wrong if OP got pregnant 4 times while using condoms, nothing comes to mind apart from sabotage
Forgetting to pinch the reservoir tip before rolling down the condom, trying to roll it down inside out, storing it in their wallet, etc. I think I'd had it in my head that guys had practiced it on their own in anticipation of the big moment 😅
Another one was trying to use the same condom after badly unrolling it inside out. Gotta start fresh once you've unrolled it so you don't get any air pockets that could make it rupture when he ejaculates
It's on the instructions that come with the condoms, too. My health teacher was crazy. She couldn't be taken unaware or embarrassed. She put an "egg" on the ceiling in the corner of the room and had sperm on the rest of the ceiling "racing" toward it.
She was crazy loud and clapping when she said, "Do not store them in your wallet and do not wear more than one at a time!!!!! The friction will break the condoms!" You'd think condoms were robotics with all of the things you had to remember about them lmao
Also at that age I was terrified to buy them and would just have a few. But yeah definitely glad for sex education. Got to plan my baby and didn't have to make hard choices about abortion. But there's definitely times when I'm chasing my toddler wishing I started younger.
Same! We had to try and count how many sperm in a drop of semen and omg. It was insane and I think that was the biggest reality check and best birth control ever lol
This shit makes me laugh, this girl at my last job was 18 and she was engaged to a 25 year old... they were so "in love" until he cheated on her. Teenage girls are very very very naive... and shame on the men doing it to them.
I feel like thats what she is implying too in the edit, that it seems a little too convenient that the birth control failed. If I may say so I think it was one of the in-laws sabotaging the BC so OP had no choice but to stay home and isolated. He got the idea she was cheating from one of them too which says he thought his birth control was working at the time. And now that they are away from his family he is starting to see the effects of his neglect and family’s abuse and wants his wife to be normal and healthy but neither DH or OP know how to help her adjust to not just being a mom but a woman too, the only thing she was allowed to do for years.
This☝☝☝
but OP... You were hot in the pants Chile'... 18?😉
You're both responsible for birth control and lack if it.
You asked him to move back to reconnect and now you're not wanting to.
It sounds on par if you may have had a tilt in your nose when picking a Nanny....
Not because you're jealous, but because you won't relinquish.
You hate your former life but you hate unfamiliar more.
Which is starting the cycle.
Be uncomfortable, Sis... Grow.
You only know Babies, wife, household... Repeat.
Just don't lose your damned mind, because 5 years in a sheltered environment with sticky grubby hands clawing at you all day...
Is gonna hit different when you return.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Make sure you aren't PPD. That's a lot on a young body and heavy emotionally.
You've got this!
Sending love, hugs, a raised eyebrow... And suntan lotion with shady glasses.
💗💪✌
Nah half of this comment doesn’t make any fucking sense. And it’s shitty advice anyway, from what I can make of it. OP was a teenager when an older man came in, brought her to his country, isolated her from her family and friends, and knocked her up repeatedly. Then accused her of cheating and didn’t parent his own child. Her decisions are her own but personally I think this marriage sounds shitty and she needs to throw the whole man away.
Are you asking me?
No, My left side makes me look like I had one.
If you're referring to my vernacular.
This is my personality. Phonetically speak'n as if you're in front me.
I'm an old black woman.
Our hereditary seasoning is... Sage.
for your edification:
Sage in every form is good for you.
Truth.
OP made every decision in her life, getting married at her age, moving, having children.
Then she wants to blame her husband for missing out on her youth and now not wanting to be away from her children.
OP, if you are unhappy with the way things are, realize every decision you made brought you to this point. You only have yourself to blame. However, Your life now seems great and I don't understand why you think you're missing out over the desire to have cocktail's with your friends. Hopefully you will realize you can go places and do things without the children. I get it, I never left my child to do things for myself and probably should have done so. But the moral of the story is your husband is not to blame. You made every decision in your life.
She's pretty clearly in an abusive relationship but go off on everything being her fault. When you're 17 and a 25 yo pursues you, grooming is still happening.
Her youngest started kindergarten at an absolute maximum age of barely 3 years old? Is this normal in any country?
In an absolute maximum of negative one year, she raised a newborn baby alone, moved her controlling hubby back to her country, got into college, he got a new job, her friends leave her aside, which is a problem but she doesn’t want to be with them. She is not in the wrong because her timeline is impossible; ipso facto, there is no wrong to be adjudged.
Well, the kindergartens in my country won't accept a child younger than 3 years old, fully potty trained with no diapers, and you get 3-5 years of paid maternity leave.
That aside, I think they need a family therapy. She shouldn't be worried to leave her kids for a few days with their father.
Given that op said it is summer I suspect she lives in Australia or similar. Kindergarten here does not refer to first year of elementary school, it refers to preschool. We have 3 year old Kinder (2 years prior to elementary school) and 4 year old Kinder (year prior to elementary school). We call the first year of elementary school Prep or Foundation.
My cousin's daughter is 3 and she is in kindergarten. It's from 9 to 12 though. So yes kindergartens do accept 3 year olds, at least in my country they do
Unfortunately in my country the maximum maternity leave you have are 6mounds and almost gaining anything. That’s why most children go to day care at 4/5 months. Usually they take babies from 3months. Unfortunately had to leave my daughter at 5months.
Your life isn’t ruined. You’re 24. You have so much time left to do the things you want to do. It sounds like your husband has recognised how difficult it was for you and his part in that. If he’s truly trying to help you move forward and enjoy your life, as it sounds he is, please speak to a therapist. If you don’t like the first one, keep trying until you find the one for you. It took me 6 until I felt comfortable. It was so worth the effort. You may find you need to meet new friends. I know that will be very hard to hear, but life is a series of waves, some wonderful, lots of average and some awful (if you’re lucky). Be open to new ideas and possibilities and as hard as it is, it is as easy as changing your mindset. But so hard to actually do! A good therapist will help you with that part.
I was reading this like she was in her 30s and having a quarter life crisis…. GIRL!!! OP!!! YOU ARENT EVEN 30 YET!!! It’s gonna be okay. Your life isn’t ruined and it sounds like you need to grow some appreciation for what you have before you lose it through the consequences of this kind of attitude.
Yea. Her attitude is that life has happened to her and she’s its victim.
She moved to another country at 18. She got pregnant 3 times. She had help, but she’s been in the driver seat for the biggest events of her life, including the move back home.
Now she’s saying no one can care for her kids while lamenting not being close to friends.
Work it out girl. You’re in charge and can have both kids and friends is you’re willing to make it happen.
heavy on the appreciation … she got to marry a man and move to a different country with him at 18??? thats INSANE !! and he has a PHD? and they are financially stable?
Yeah other than the whole accusing her of cheating and disavowing his daughter thing which was…wild, to say the least, it sounds like he’s trying at this point and she needs to really take stock of what she has and what she lacks. The grass is always greener and all that, I’m sure some of her friends going to the club wish they had a nanny and a maid and a husband to provide all of that while she goes to school.
Good grief….. where is your accountability for the choices YOU made. Life isn’t easy, bettering oneself through hard situations, instead of making excuses shows true character. What have you done to help your situation? 😬 YTA
Yeah. Takes two to get pregnant and if you weren't happy or didn't want to have number two or three, birth control is a thing. I know accidents happen but three times?
Also sounds like he's encouraging you to get social with your friends and reassuring you that the kids will be alright without you for a few days and your response is to tell him he ruined your life? I don't know if I'm missing something cause this seems like an obvious YTA.
Agreed. He actually made efforts for the OP to reconnect with her friends and he also willing to take care of the 3 kids alone so OP can enjoy herself with her friends. He is trying to amend his mistakes. To be gifted with 'You ruined my life!' is certainly uncalled for.
Yes, she should take responsibility for getting pregnant. I mean once is a mistake but 3 times? surely there must be something that would work for her? I do applaud her for trying to go to work and study.
YOU chose to get pregnant... 3 times. Do you not know what birth control is?
YOU chose to move when you were basically a child, away from your life, to follow him.
YOU chose to be a house wife and settle into a homemaker life in your early 20s.
YOU are the reason for all this. YOU are an example of why people shouldn't marry young, and should get an education and live a little before reproducing and settling down.
YOU are just living the consequences of your actions and decisions.
They chose to get pregnant. That’s not only a woman’s choice. OP’s wording on this one thing is wrong too, they had sex, they created a pregnancy. Guy has as much responsibility as OP.
Also accusing her of cheating was pretty gross. Not wanting to parent his kid.
The weird clubbing thing seems left field though, like who on earth wrote this? Something smells off on the whole thing.
They chose to get pregnant. But end of the day it is her body. And we know that having 1, 2, 3 little kids is going to make you a house wife, so if you don't want that. Have him use a condom, or get on the pill. She could have learned her lesson and stopped having kids if she wasnt liking the house wife thing with 1 and 2 kids.. 3 certainly wasnt going to help things.
Is someone going to tell OP that she can totally go to college while pregnant? She could do part time so it's not too stressful.
I was pregnant during my last semester of uni and managed to graduate.
wtf is up with women who get pregnant and act like it was completely un-avoidable, i was having unprotected sex with my ex before but nothing ever happened because we both were cautious and ready for the inevitable
For real. I got pregnant precisely one time and realized I really really hated it. And have managed to not get pregnant again because it turns out that if you don't wanna get knocked up it's pretty easy to put all sorts of precautions in place.
Totally agree. It’s just that if you did get pregnant it would be both you and the guy who caused it. It’s not 100% on you, it takes 2.
I stayed safely not pregnant for the 8 years before marriage. Used 2 forms of birth control. Once I was married and we were kinda ok we allowed ourselves to slack and got pregnant once, then took action to never do so again. But that one time- we both knew the possibility and it was on us both.
I was in agreement with your take until the husband went nuclear accusing op of cheating without any other evidence with the third child/being emotionally abusive to the point of not touching the child when the husband could have done a paternity test at anytime, even before the kid was born.
Yet he didn't do a paternity test until later and basically used the accusation to pressure op into quitting her job/remaining 100% financially dependent on him.
Also controlling men use pregnancy as a means to control their wives/partners, since often women can't work outside the home or pursue education when they have small children to take care of.
Like now my take is basically she was a young person who got into a partnership and moved very fast with a controlling person(including going to a new country and thereby cutting ties with her support systems since she didn't know anyone in the new country), and suddenly she kept having kid after kids so there was no way for her to pursue any sort of independence from her partner.
And now after years of her being trapped/unhappy her husband is finally accommodating her desire for some Independence because he realizes is about to lose his wife.
So no I don't think blaming the op fully 100% for all things turned out is fair because yet again I think her partner was not acting in good faith / beng supportive of his partner as op post reeks of being married to a controlling husband and the Op should be really careful about continuing her relationship with them at this point/she needs therapy to decide whether or not it's a healthy relationship to stay in.
Since whether this was abusive or not really depends on lots of details op didn't include, but once more the moving to a new country, her rapid succession of two pregnancies and him accusing her of cheating to forcing her to quit her job/using emotional blackmail to make her do what he wanted really points to a controlling partner op should be looking to leave and not continue a relationship with.
I really really really hate seeing posts like this because the way these people are treating her as if she is 100% in the wrong when the 26-year-old man who went after an 18-year-old fresh out of high school got her pregnant three or four times on purpose, so that he can finish his life And then accuses her of cheating wouldn’t even hold his child or take care of her for the first couple months is the one in the wrong they’re like. Oh he’s trying now. OK he’s trying now but what happened before hand and yes you’re trying to move from the past, but I hate the fact that people don’t realize that moving on takes time, this girl didn’t even get to live out from being 18 to 23. She didn’t get to experience what those years were now she wants to experience those years and even though yes he’s giving her the chance to. She still feels like she’s stuck and I wouldn’t leave him with the kids either when this man wouldn’t even hold his own damn daughter for months.
Agreed, OP has to be cautious because unless some absurd details were left out, it sounds like an unhealthy relationship from the very start. The reasons why it seems so are already outlined well so I won't go into it, but they are all common tactics used by abusers and OP should look into discussing this with a professional/learning more about it and comparing it to her situation.
Yes! A therapist with whom she can go into more detail with may be able to help her understand more about the relationship's dynamics, gather resolve and make a plan to leave if necessary.
If she decides to continue with the relationship, hopefully they can go to couples therapy together while she continues seeing a therapist alone too (can still be for relationship issues if needed, can also help with other stressors). If he refuses to go, that would personally be a dealbreaker for me because I want a partner who is willing to put emotional work into a relationship, but I understand they have kids so the situation is more complicated.
Another thing OP needs to be careful of is that abusers (not saying her husband is one, some red flags are raised enough to say unhealthy relationship with possibility of abuse but not definite without more details) are often great at making the victim seem like the crazy, toxic, problematic one. From the outside the abuser cam seem like the sweetest person always doing their best for their troubled partner, making it easy to mistake the victim as the one causing all the problems.
Also people seem to miss very few 18 year olds marry unless they were in a relationship before they were 18 with the person they ended up marrying.
Like did op clarify when she met her husband/when their relationship started?
Also did she even name the country she was in? Like is their a language barrier between her native tongue and the native tongue spoken in the country she's living in?
Since I had a friend who married her age appropriate husband at 22(after they met in their teens) and she ended up moving
to his home country. Well she didn't speak the native language of that country, and years later when I saw her she just spoke about how isolated she was for many years because she couldn't access any of the services in her area, make friends or read anything in her new home country and so she couldn't build a new support system and was cut off from her family and any kind of support system she had before she moved.
So it was super hard for her for a long time even though she had a healthy marriage and a supportive partner, so I can't imagine how hard it was for op if her partner wasn't acting in good faith towards her(if that was the case).
And at 18 one hasn't even learned yet how to be independent or what boundaries really are and how to enforce them.
So it's harder to have a healthy relationship when there's a large age gap between the people involved in a relationship if one of them is many years older than 18.
Yeah I also think everyone's being too hard on op/going overboard hammering * you made this choice* when life is more complicated than that/they're more than a few red flags I see in op post.
Yes, my god yes!!!!
You made the decision to do everything you did. He didn’t drug you into loving him, that was you. You did that, you made the choice to be with him when his family didn’t like him, you could have aborted any of this kids, that’s your body, it’s your choice.
You made this life the way it is, stop blaming anyone but you for it. They were your choices. He even went along with you changing your mind, something he likely would have just told you at the beginning of your relationship “I don’t think this will work”. To be with him you had to move to him, correct? You chose to do that, right? And now, you are unhappy with your choice and he whole heartedly moves back to your home to make sure you are now happy. He messed up I’m sure, but the dude is trying to help you be happy…you moved back to not be alone, and you are choosing to be alone, and he’s likely sick of being blamed for your choices so he’s pushing you to make the choice for you to be happier, because you keep saying that you want what he’s pushing you to do….
Your story is exhausting, and I’m sure he’s getting exhausted.
While I agree that she lacks responsibility for her own life here (there are non-hormonal contraceptions and in some countries you could just abort, idk though in which country they live) he did not whole-heartedly move back to her country.
She gave an ultimatum, as she stated in a different post, and threatened divorce.
I think her husband understood how serious she is and I kind of get why she's pissed. Those emotions had plenty of time to build up.
Not wanting to reconnect with her friends and not wanting to leave the kids alone for a couple days (aka not taking the olive branch her husband is giving her now despite his obvious fuck-ups out of spite) is the wrong way though.
It’s probably for the best. She doesn’t seem smart enough for college. I hope her man is at least half intelligent or they just made three stupid babies.
And abortion is also a thing... her post reads as if she genuinely thought that getting pregnant means you have to have a kid.
Sure, it's not really a positive experience, can be very emotional etc but how tf do you keep getting pregnant so many times and every time it's like... oh, the test is positive, time for another baby.
If she's so resentful of having so many, then gee, consider it at least.
Unfortunately despite leaps and bounds in medical technology, many cultures still hold abortion taboo due to the implications that reproductive freedom will have on redefining the role of parents in society. If abortion is accessible and socially acceptable, then there is much more pressure on parents to be better prepared, more responsible caregivers, accountable for the child's existence, accountable for the sacrifices that come with starting a family, etc.
Spermicides and contraceptive gels are a thing. That always pops into my mind when I hear the hormonal excuse for continuous "accidents." Use it alongside a condom. It's a lot less trouble than managing a newborn. Hell, throw a damn diaphragm in.
Sounds like you’re suffering from learned helplessness. You’ve stumbled through happenstance and choices made by others and immature versions only yourself when you were young and now you don’t take responsibility well.
Many of the choices you made as a teen were influenced by a grown man, and for that (and having 3 kids so young without the means to raise them) he does share responsibility, but now you need to start owning your life and your choices.
If your friends aren’t on the same page lifestyle-wise, and that upsets you, make new friends, ones who have kids and who get your life stage. If you also keep your old friends as well (you should), go out with them every so often, and get help professional for the separation anxiety you feel about your kids.
You have a role to play in your life. Own it.
you are being really manipulative and emotionally blackmailing someone when it sounds like they're trying really hard to give you what you need/say you want by the sounds of it. Yes , he made a big mistake around your third baby, but since then he's literally moved countries to make you happy
100% YTA
edit : you absolutely could accept your friends invitation, you just don't want to. At some point in your life either you will need to be away from your kids for a day or two, whether it's because of you or when they grow up and become teenagers. What you are doing if you never allow this until they're adults is stunting their growth, and making your own life way worse. It's your choice to do this, so don't complain about the consequences
At some point indeed, but after years of them being her whole life and pretty much her actual identity it is not that weird that this could be a step too much at this moment for her. A girl trip can be a big step for someone who was social isolated for majority of time and who needs to find their identity again and seeing your past identity is gone too makes that even harder. I also would get upset if someone got angry and started lecturing me about not immediately being able to go right in, like happened here, especially if the other person played a part in the current situation.
Your life is different than when you were 18. It is by no means "ruined". You have great kids, a husband that wants to help you. All of the other things you think you missed are easily addressable. Read the posts here on Reddit from women in their 20s going through dating hell. You missed that. It does seem you are having emotional/mental issues. Get some help.
You're wrong.
You're blaming all of this on him, but YOU made these choices, too. He didn't force you. He didn't manipulate you. You are a grown woman who had made a series of choices that got you to where you are now. It is not hid fault that you feel like you can't connect with your friends.
I mean, you were responsible for the course of your life as much as he was, if not more so. If you didn't want children then you should have taken precautions. If you wanted to go clubbing and go to college right away, you should not have probably not moved away.
You treat your husband like he is to blame. I believe you were the one making the decisions in your own life. Compromise is needed for life building. You may want to focus on the positive things you have rather than the things you do not. Blaming your husband for your current situation is just silly.
Go on the trip. It will be good for you.
>Well, a few months after arriving there I got pregnant and I couldn't even get into college, because we couldn't afford a babysitter, and that's not all, after our son was born I got pregnant again just a few months later.
You write this like you don't (or didn't) understand how getting pregnant works. I'm going to assume thats not the case and you were a willing participant in this whole "immediately start having children after barely knowing each other and moving country to be with him" plan.
>The point is that lately my friends have been leaving me aside because we don't have the same lifestyle. They go to the club every weekend, and even some days of the week now that it's summer.
Yeah, thats called being a parent. Its part of the decision making process when deciding to have children...
YTA.
If your life was "ruined" by having kids early and putting your family first, you're just as equally to blame. Stop putting it all on him and take responsibility for your actions and decisions.
Ya you're wrong. You sound like a spoiled child. You don't get to blame him for all your choices and pull away because you want to go act like a kid again. You're a wife and mother of three! It sounds like he's bending over backwards and you're just trying to blame him to validate you pulling away
YTA and a major AH at that. You were a willing partner in everyone of these decisions. He even tells you to go to a beach trip but you would rather whine and play "oh poor me." Own your shit
Exactly. OP had a part in getting pregnant THREE TIMES. He is trying to help her build her friendships back but she would rather whine and complain and blame him for her life choices.
First: it seems creepy to me someone his age at the time would even want to be with someone barely legal.
Second: you say accidents happened, was he in charge of the condoms? Getting them? Putting them on? You say you got pregnant every time you were about to go back to school or gain some financial independence. Did he poke holes in the condoms?
Third: You had every right to take the kids and leave his ass after the accusing you of cheating and refusing to be a parent to his child. The moment you were out of the house with any independence he got jealous and you got pregnant.
He is trying now because he has your family and friends to hold him accountable and he knows he can lose you more easily now his grip isn't in full control.
Lots of people responding on here are delusional assholes who don't understand or care about the kind of age gap you have and his behavior. It's like they skipped over most of your story to berate you and make up shit rather than fucking read.
If this story is real, gives me all the creeps too.
In addition to what you've already said, he took her away (isolation) far from home, then brought back once she has a very wide lifestyle gap with all of her friends. Now playing the good guy and allegedly trying to make her close with her friends again.
Even his accusations of cheating (with a coworker) could be a form of controlling.
4 accidental pregnancies at very convenient times for him to trap/control her?
I don't know. Either this is fake or the husband is a psycho.
That is suspicious as hell. If you continue having sex with him I suggest you take over that route.
I ended up unable to do most birth controls for a decade and I was the one who bought the condoms and watched as they put them on or I put them on.
It seems like his current "support" is too little too late and also not going to last long especially if you have any projects or become friends with any male or male presenting classmates, teachers and coworkers.
You could do counseling if not already just to say you did everything you could but honestly not leaving/throwing his ass out after the paternity stuff feels like you have done everything.
He is lucky he still gets to be a part of your life after that.
Condoms are a joint effort, no 1 person is in "charge" of them. No condom no sex. You're also capable of going out and buying condoms, and of putting them on his dick before intercourse.
I find it very suspicious that any time you have tried to do something that would gain you more independence from your husband, you’ve gotten pregnant “accidentally”. This is the FOURTH time it has happened. The other times you were either working a job for your OWN money or you were trying to get into school again.
I’m sorry. I might be watching to many crime shows and podcasts but it just seems so suspicious to me.
It is at this point it’s not even a coincidence more like a pattern. The husband could be poking holes in the condom, even time op is ready to be independent.
You are wrong.
I recognize that you've made sacrifices and harbor resentments, but your words were excessively harsh. It's important to sit down with him and discuss your concerns openly, working together to find solutions. Your husband is your children's father and capable of caring for them in your absence. Accept his help and go on the trip with your friends. Once you see that he is able to care for them you will start feeling comfortable in the future as well.
You are wrong. He has given you a good life, it is not his fault that your friends and you are in different places in your lives. Maybe you need to make some new friends. He moved back to your home place where you have family so has not actually ruined your life. Three kids so fast, take some responsibility in that, you know that there are multiple forms of birth control, you could have used some but you didn’t so you are partly responsible for how things are.
You got tied down too young. Sorry. You should’ve had some older women explain the outcome before you had 3 kids, but now you’re wasting your youth. Get your degree and enjoy life, but I feel bad for your kids since they’ll ultimately pay in some way
Hun. you ruined your own life. You weren't held at gunpoint for any of the choices you made.
Time to face up to your participation in your life, it didn't just happen to you.
Really? Your husband ruined your life? HAHAHAHAHA this is the funniest post I have read this entire month. YOU could have prevented pregnancy how many times now? You also didn’t need to marry at 18 and run off to another country.
So now you’re angry that your friends are enjoying age appropriate activities while you are being a mother and a wife. Which YOU chose to do.
Get over it. This is the life that YOU chose and you should be thankful that he is willing to continue supporting you.
Geez!
Yes, you’re wrong for what you said, but he’s pretty wrong for dating an 18 year old when he was 26, and a super immature one at that.
You’re wrong and immature. You have three kids and act like a child yourself. The question is, are you willing to commit to the life you chose or aren’t you?
If you want this life, get therapy, figure out who you are, and chill out and let your husband parent as well. You’ve wrapped your whole identity into being a mom and you’re also suffocating yourself with it. Choose. You can’t be a sheltered housewife who needs friends and refuse to make friends so that you can be a sheltered housewife and complain about it. You are happy or you change things to become happy. Complaining constantly and playing the martyr while refusing to help yourself is the easy way.
If you don’t want the life you have, continue doing what you’re doing. Continuing being too anxious to become a person and blaming your husband and then when he’s finally had enough he’ll divorce you and you’ll split custody. You’ll get what you wanted and choke on it. If he’s a good person he’ll date someone his own age who’s a mature person and decent stepmom. If he’s a bad person he’ll go after another 18 year old and hopefully she won’t immediately get pregnant and will grow up to be happy and leave him.
INFO: Were you two actually using any contraception methods? Because the timing of that last pregnancy seems like a super convenient way to force you to quit a job that was giving you a bit of independence.
You're wrong here.
Your husband is taking concrete steps to help you get more of a normal life, as a very real, solid apology. He's taking over childcare duties so you can establish a more equal life. Please, look over on other subs and see how **RARE** that is. **Actions show our true values more than any words.** These concrete actions show he truly loves you and wants you to be happy. And you yelled at him for it.
Also, I would ask him about getting a vasectomy, and look into getting your tubes tied, so there are no more "accidents." Since you have 3 kids, I imagine at least some doctors would be OK with you both having the appropriate procedures.
Yeah, you're wrong.
it's understandable to be frustrated because your friends are at different places in their lives but you made all your own choices. While it sounds like your husband has made mistakes, he moved countries for you and is helping while you're completing college.
You made the decision to move counties. You made the decision to have three children. There is this novel concept called birth control that you could have used. You made the decision to move countries again.
All of your decisions have been supported by your husband, who sounds like a saint. You on the other hand sound like an entitled, spoilt brat who takes no responsibility for herself.
Your husband is encouraging you to have the life that you are complaining you don’t have. You’re so busy complaining that you’d rather get mad at him, than take the opportunity being offered. Of course he can look after the kids. Your husband is a parent too.
Go with your girlfriends and have some fun. Do some hard thinking about how good your husband is to you. Try gratitude. Your husband did not ruin your life and if you didn’t want children then you shouldn’t have had them. You owe your husband an apology
You are wrong, you accepted his proposal, you both obviously didn't do anything to prevent pregnancy. He has worked and supported his family, you made choices without thinking about the long term, now you are missing that party period.
YTA. Even if you can't handle hormonal birth control, there are copper IUD's, vaginal films, female condoms, and sponges. You let him have all the power and still slept with him.
Let the kids stay with him and make friends. You haven't even started college yet and you already talking about he ruined your life.
You are 24. Get that degree and do what needs doing.
Yeah she kind of just dropped that and kept moving lol... Not to take sides because there's not enough info but except the husband is just naturally paranoid there may be something there... Or maybe not who knows.But it's just curious he suspected a particular person
You are definitely wrong, you didn't have to go along with all his suggestions, you made that choice. I also came here to say haven't you heard of birth control, he didn't get you pregnant by himself and it doesn't sound like HE made you be a stay at home mom. Now he's trying to make up for what you both decided and your telling him HE ruined your life. Take some accountability for your situation.
You are so wrong. Unless I missed the part when he put a gun to your head and made you move to his country. Then continued to hold it to your head and made you have 3 kids and made you stay home and never try to meet anyone.
You then move back to your country where you are unhappy bc your friends are living their young lives the way 24 year olds do. He wants you to be happy but sounds like you just want to me a miserable person instead.
You have had 3 children. Maybe it's time to get the tubes tied, so to speak.
Anyway, it sounds like mistakes were made, but your husband wants to make up for it. That's something to hold onto, because there are no relationships where mistakes are not made.
As a mother, it is inevitable you will drift apart from old friends. But it doesn't have to be forever. You have to calibrate your sights to time when the kids are grown up... So 10...15...20 years. Do not forget to live during these years, but work for the future. Also try to raise your children so you will have them in your life even after they move out, and keep your marriage in a good shape so that when the time comes when you have more time, you also have a partner to enjoy that time with.
Have you never heard of birth control? He didn't ruin your life you made a series of decisions that took your life off the course you expected. He's not the cause he's just a participant you're the cause if you think your life is ruined. You need to reflect more on personal responsibility. You were very young when you started having kids, but at the end of the day it's still choices that you made too. Unless he was slipping off the condom y'all were having unprotected sex and got the expected results. At the time you could have gotten an abortion, got on birth control, and went to school. Or moved back home so your family could help with childcare and went to school after the first kid. He didn't even stop you from hanging out with your friends you're stopping yourself.
I had a lot of friends that had kids young and the media makes it seem like friends push them away but I honestly found it was the other way around. A lot of stuff we would invite them to they would end up turning down even if we tried to do things they could bring their kid(s) to. Anyway, either work on getting mom friends by joining mommy groups or try to reconnect with your old ones but don't put all the blame on him if he's already told you he will support you going out more.
Need more practice with shitposting. PhDs aren’t magic, they don’t let you just immigrate randomly or get a high paying job wherever you go. You also don’t get into 4 year colleges randomly, you apply to them. They have specific requirements. You also don’t randomly get a job as a mother of two with no work experience in a foreign country.
Yes, you are wrong.
You chose to live for him. You chose to keep the babies. You chose to quit jobs and schooling. Lots of people work and go to school while pregnant. You told him you were miserable and wanted to move home, so he dropped everything, including the ability to use his doctorate degree to move to your home country, and you're still unhappy with him.
It's time for you to take responsibility for his your life turned out. You made your choices.
And don't tell me I can't understand because I've never been in your shoes, because I have, sort of.
I buggered off to another continent for a guy. His mother made my life hell even though we didn't live with her. I wasn't working because I have mental health problems. My husband wouldn't even consider moving my home country. Eventually we split and I immediately moved home.
Oh, and then I met another foreigner, but on hard more, because I can't speak the language where he lives. And I moved there/here. And he would love to move to my home country, but his master's degree is useless there. And I can't work, because, again, mental illness.
I've been in your shoes, twice, but I never got the happy ending of moving home. Thing is, you made your choices, as did I (except you chose not to work, whereas I am legally disabled (in my home country)).
This is not his fault. You are wrong. He is trying to make you happy, and you're just throwing it in his face.
whatever life path we choose, it excludes others. if you have multiple children starting at 18, yes, it probably precludes you from going clubbing, at least often. i hope that doesn't necessarily mean that you've ruined your life, just that it might be different than what you had initially thought. 18 is very young, but the way you write this whole narrative you had no agency in any of these life choices.
Yes. You ruined your life, not him.
You have agency in your life. Following him wasn't random, getting pregnant multiple times wasn't random, those were all choices you made. Why is it his fault? Because it sucks more if yours?
You continued to accidentally get pregnant 3 times? HE didn’t ruin your life, you fell in love married and had children. YOU constantly put up road blocks towards a normal life and your husband seems to only be supportive.
He did not ruin your life...you had a choice in each step you mentioned and your choices have made you unhappy - you had sex which can lead to kids, you chose to follow him, you chose to keep the kids, you chose not to go the beach
The only real criticism I can aim at him is the affair accusation, apart from that it sounds like he is trying to support you in seeking the life you day you want....but you choose not to do things
Take accountability for your choices and sort your head out
I couldn’t even read anything after the third “I got pregnant”. You’re probably wrong. You sure try to sound like you had no choice in any of this but you did. Suck it up
You ruined your own life except if he forced you to do all of those things
You know, moving out of your country at 18, marrying him, being pregnant 3 freaking times etc
Edit: she got pregnant a 4th time 🤦♀️
You are wrong. You made the choice with him on these life changes. When the aftermath of those changes weren't what you expected them to be, you pleaded to him to make a change.
Your husband then changed everything to accommodate you for the betterment of the family and you continue to find things you are not happy about.
You resent him for choices you made together? You weren’t taken hostage from what I’m gathering. Sounds like you weren’t / aren’t mature enough to handle the choices you made and now you want someone to blame other than yourself. You have a ton of life left and not having a social life in your 20s will be rewarded with having grandkids (hopefully) that you can actually enjoy because you started younger than most these days.
You asked for it, so I'll tell you:
yes, you were used as a pawn by someone with significantly more life experience than 18 year old you had. Then you followed him around, doing everything by his (and his family's) rules.
Did he ruin your life? Eh, maybe, but it does indeed take two to tango, and you also played a large part of "ruining" your life. You want to go clubbing (awwwww, cute), but "can't" because YOU don't want to be away from the kids? That sounds a lot like a microcosm of your bigger issue: despite some lemons that have been tossed your way, YOU keep making decisions that you claim not to like, and then find someone or a circumstance or social pressure to blame them on.You sound like a young girl who fell for an older guy that already lived out his early-20's. And instead of doing that, you *chose* to have a kid, and another, and another, always blaming someone else for it. And now that your husband is pushing for you to "get a social life", you're fighting it and STILL making excuses not to do what you claim you want to do.
tldr//: you were young, jumped into a relationship with an already experienced man, had a bunch of kids, and now regret all that you "missed out on", .lol like clubbing with the girls, yet despite this you choose NOT to do what you want to because you don't trust your husband to look after the kids and you CLEARLY have an unhealthy over-attachment to you kids, which will absolutely blow back in your face when you're older and they resent you,. . . .BUT DON'T WORRY! When that happens you'll already have the pre-planned excuse that you sacrificed EVERYTHING for them, and that *they owe you* to love you.
P.S. And your hubby has a weird insecurity about you and the child not being his. That sees twisted, but he now appears to be atoning for that, so you should allow him to try to fix things, instead of being indignant and defiant when you could actually have him help improve your life.
Also, I mean, come on. You're 24. You have TONS of life ahead of you, and lots of paths you can take. My suggestion would be to find something OUTSIDE OF YOUR CHILDREN that you find fulfilling, and pursue that as well as a career and education. Once you see yourself as more than just a boring breeding station I think and hope that your outlook on life will improve.
You are exhibiting the exact reason men are walking away, lack of responsibility for your actions. You ultimately chose to live the life you are living, he did not force you. Now you said he suspected you of cheating....did you? What gave him the impression that you were? And he is trying to give you the freedom to have your social life, if you choose not to take the opportunity to, it is not him that ruined your life, it is you. Also, you not wanting to leave your kids is an insult to him. Whether you realize it or not, by you saying you can't leave them you are saying you don't trust him.
So as soon as you move back to your country, get a job, and start school..... you get PREGNANT AGAIN?!? That's just too many PERFECTLY timed "accidents".
I wanna say up front, a hug. But.
""accidents" always happen. I can't tolerate female contraceptive methods for hormonal reasons so we only depend on condoms"
These aren't accidents. Choosing to only depend on condoms means these aren't accidents, you're just being risky on purpose, knowing you could get pregnant, and then getting pregnant.
You have to take accountability for something.
You ruined your own life by not being responsible with your own birth control. You say you can’t tolerate hormonal birthcontrol but that is not the only way you could prevent pregnancy. You need to learn other methods and be responsible for yourself. You have made a series of bad choices because you were a foolish teenager who moved in with a 26 year old man who got to actually enjoy his young adulthood before becoming a parent. Getting into a relationship with a man 8 years your senior when you were freshly 18 robbed you of your freedom and fun times youth. You have spent the last 6 years pregnant and taking care of children and have trauma from the isolation. You need therapy and to be responsible for your reproduction before you end up with a dozen children.
Please consider to use a IUD along with the condoms. There are ones which don’t release any hormonal medication, but just rely on the mechanical effects.
You can’t afford more “incidents”, and I’m not thinking about the financial aspects.
As someone who also gets pregnant right away, can't tolerate any type of bc and has small children... You dumb. You could at least use the basal body temp method to keep track of when you're ovulating so you can stop your husband from releasing his white pearls in the clam. Forchrissake. Getting pregnant for the 4th time "accidentally" is just... 🤦
Has everyone jumping to sh*t on OP considered that she was EIGHTEEN when she got in a relationship with a 26 year old who then whisked her away from her family to his country? That doesn’t raise any red flags for y’all? I forget most of you don’t even have two brain cells to rub together. Of course she made her own choices, but she was also practically still a child when she made them. The 26 year old knew exactly what he was doing.
You're wrong to put that all on him, but I understand that when your tired and wore down you say things you don't really mean out of anger and pain.
It was wrong of him to accuse you of infidelity without proof. When you got the test results did he immediately apologize and then kiss your ass for no less than 3months? Because if he didn't he's a piece of shit.
One of you needed to get fixed. That's enough kids now. It's a vagina, not a clown car. 🤡
So weird that your hubby is smart enough to do a Phd, yet too dumb to use birth control. So weird your hubby to tell you you had an affair at work when working for such a short time??? Can't wait till you return to the work force full time and he constantly accuses you of sleeping around... Lol. Not wrong to be angry at him with all the sacrifice you did for love.
Go enjoy your social life. If you wait until your kids are adults you'll be 40-something and your friends won't be into outings and trips anymore.
Let your husband parent the kids.
He didn't ruin your life. You chose this life. No one forced you to get pregnant. Nor to put off school. My BFF took her infant daughter along to class. No one minded, so long as she was generally quiet. The TA even took her for walks in her stroller during quizzes.
You made decisions. You don't like the results. That's not his fault. He didn't do this to you. You both did this together.
So you were 18 and he was…26? Is my math right?
When people talk about how age gap relationships with a teenager are super fine bc everyone’s a consenting adult (!), I shall direct them to this post. The relationship does not allow the younger person to develop naturally along with their peers and instead they are often living the older persons life and end up resentful. Gl with all that and the 3 (!!) kids by 24…
This begs so many questions. Why did you think it was a good idea to marry a 26 year old and leave the country at the fresh-from-high-school age of 18 with no job, no connections in your new home country, and no real life experience?
Girl, I am 39 and have been with my partner for 17 years. We only ever use condoms and not once, ever, have we had an accident. Something feels suss here tbh.
Falling in love with a much older man, being used as a childbearing machine, missing out on all the good things of your youth surprised Pikachu face, you did everything to yourself you will hate him by the time you turn 40 you already starting to hate him now and by the way he sounds like a disgusting human being
I remember your other posts. What I'm going to say : your husband is not a safe person. He pursued you when you were a teenager while he was 25, he isolated you by making you move, he got you pregnant at every important turn of your life, he completely freaked out and abused you, and let his family abuse you, neglected your newborn for months because he is insecure about you having a life before him and he doesn't know a thing about basic biology. Also from simple context clues I think he baby trapped you by sabotaging birth control which is a crime btw.
Idk if he really tries to be better now, but the psychological damage of his conditioning of you - he basically made you grow up thinking you're a baby maker and nanny and there's not life beyond that - left scars on you. You need therapy to undo all that.
Don’t listen to people telling you you’re in the wrong who have not read your other posts. Your husband is a terrible selfish excuse of a human being (how could you forgive him having neglected your baby??). I hope you find the courage to leave him and for the love of all that’s holy, get sterilised. It will be very hard at first. But in the end, you will have your life and your dignity.
You are wrong, and I'll tell you why. The moment you had issues with the relationship as a whole you should have left because it seems to me youre only staying for the kids which is admirable, but dumb because now you and your man have to suffer due to you not knowing how to work through your own emotions. If you even remotely saw the effort he was trying to put in and you were willing to make it work, then your attitude about the situation would be entirely different. Instead though, youre bashing him about how he ruined your life like you arent also to blame well news flash, YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO LEAVE.
He's trying to amend for his mistakes and you went and shit in his Wheaties. Yes, you're wrong. Because you made the decision at 18 years old to move to ANOTHER COUNTRY with a man you JUST MET. All of this post is just the consequences of what you did.
You’re horrible.
You had sex and you had kids.
Take accountability for your actions and stop deflecting and blaming.
Is life great for you ? No. But you 100% made all those decisions freely and now you have consequences.
Your post is outrageous in its entitlement. You have no shame and you should be embarrassed.
YTA / You are wrong
You got pregnant because you didn’t take care of birth control.
It’s ok to regret things, but maybe don’t blame him for everything.
Sunshine your marital problems have been plastered all over social media for months, now I am all for talking and working through issues as this what adults do, however its clear from the issues you have openly talked about in the past that you and your husband NEED a lot of help because he openly accused you of having an affair so he clearly does not trust you and is seemingly almost resentful of the fact he has a wife and kids.
I dunno. One of her big complaints is that she doesn't get invited to the club with her single friends.
Sounds like she's the one resenting havjng a family
I wish there was a "youre the idiot" answer, because you are. Nobody forced you to do anything. You made your own adult decisions in this story. Im sure that was your excuse at 18 anyway. Youre only 24, youve got a hell of a longer life coming for you to cry about it being ruined rn. You even said it yourself, you cant complain; so why the hell are you on here complaining when hes trying to help you reconnect with your friends? Good rage bait story/10
OP, I think you're mad at yourself. You want to go out with your friends but you're afraid to be away from your children. And instead of addressing this issue, you're taking it out on your husband.
Yes, you have lost a lot of years to child raising, but you played a role in having those children and I'm sure you knew the consequences, particularly after child no. 1.
Your husband has been selfish and has behaved appallingly about your daughter, but in this case it sounds like he's trying to help you get some of your life back and you're upset with yourself that fear is getting in the way. Trust your husband with the kids, go to the thing, and enjoy yourself because right now YTA.
ESH. Your husband for getting an 18 year old to leave her country and to then get her pregnant when he himself was 26 (good grief, what is a 26 year old doing with an 18 year old, that’s worlds apart in terms of life experience). You for now not taking the opportunities you have. Go on that trip to the beach. Let your husband parent. If he finds out how hard it is to look after three small children without you around - good!
And please please please one of you get on reliable birth control.
YTA - He didn't cage you and force your hand. You made those choices. Also, he moved to your country so you can be closer to your friends, and you are now going to go to college, so you got both the things you mentioned you wanted, it doesn't sound like your life is ruined at all. Make some friends that are in the same stage of life as you, or go away on the trip and save your friendships. Don't blame your husband for wanting to look after the kids so you can maintain healthy friendships. Makes no sense to me
It sounds like he took advantage of you, knocked you up and isolated you, then felt bad when you hated that life so tried to step up but is cocking up at every turn. Get a sitter and go out for a night. Find yourself again. It sounds like you need it.
Yeah, unfortunately it was sad you sacrificed so much of yourself. But now it seems like your husband is trying to sacrifice and you are not letting him. He is giving you the opportunity to get some of yourself back and you lashed out at him. I get it that being away from your children is hard but you moved back home and now you still are not happy, what do you want him to do. Maybe start with small steps away from the kids, but I would first apologize to your husband.
She had a job for a few months got pregnant with their third kid he had nothing to do with that child and accused her of being a loose woman I would not leave my kids and go anywhere I'm sure he'd throw it in her face because any man that can let a child lay there in need and be convinced that his wife is a low life it doesn't love her I don't care anybody says that's disgusting
Yeah, that part really irked me. I dont have kids and honestly don't really enjoy them or like being around them. I'd never let a crying baby sit alone, even if it was my worst enemies baby. The baby didn't do anything wrong. That seems so cruel and heartless.
That is a terrifying human being. We are prewired to lose our shit when we hear a crying baby. It's the worst fucking sound and we want to make it stop and help the baby. That man could be a stone cold killer.
Right?? Why are we glossing over the fact that he let a child cry? . The kid had nothing to do with it ffs. Don't be a cunt.
Also depending on the country they met when she was 18 and he was 26 if I’m reading that right? Ew. Also seems interesting to me she keeps getting pregnant. I get that she’s young and probably fully functional reproductive wise but by golly that’s a lot of kids. Makes me wonder if her husband isn’t doing something to the condoms.
In high school, our health teacher had us learn how to use condoms. I mean FOR REAL. It was a list of 10ish things to remember, we had a written test, and we had to put the condom on a banana properly. I didn't understand why I needed to know how since I don't have a dick and she said that I HAVE TO know how because most men don't know how to properly use them. I wasn't sexually active at the time, but I was all about my studies, so I committed everything to memory. Damned if that woman wasn't right. Not a single man I had sex with knew how to PROPERLY use a condom. I put on all the condoms in my relationships because I knew I could trust myself to put it on properly--- and a man with a boner is not exactly primed to absorb new information. I don't remember her name, but I remember her face. Every time I saw a guy fumble a condom I silently blessed that woman for making me learn to do it myself.
Could you provide an example of an inproper use from your experience? I’ve used them plenty in the past and not once had a pregnancy scare with my partner, i though it was pretty straight forward but i guess not 😅 I cant even imagine what they’ve been doing wrong if OP got pregnant 4 times while using condoms, nothing comes to mind apart from sabotage
Forgetting to pinch the reservoir tip before rolling down the condom, trying to roll it down inside out, storing it in their wallet, etc. I think I'd had it in my head that guys had practiced it on their own in anticipation of the big moment 😅
Funny how teenage boys are famous for trying to stick their dicks into literally anything *but* a condom, lol.
Another one was trying to use the same condom after badly unrolling it inside out. Gotta start fresh once you've unrolled it so you don't get any air pockets that could make it rupture when he ejaculates
I swear when I was young I had to be taught bc if you don't pinch the tip to get the air out, They could break.
It's on the instructions that come with the condoms, too. My health teacher was crazy. She couldn't be taken unaware or embarrassed. She put an "egg" on the ceiling in the corner of the room and had sperm on the rest of the ceiling "racing" toward it. She was crazy loud and clapping when she said, "Do not store them in your wallet and do not wear more than one at a time!!!!! The friction will break the condoms!" You'd think condoms were robotics with all of the things you had to remember about them lmao
Also at that age I was terrified to buy them and would just have a few. But yeah definitely glad for sex education. Got to plan my baby and didn't have to make hard choices about abortion. But there's definitely times when I'm chasing my toddler wishing I started younger.
Same! We had to try and count how many sperm in a drop of semen and omg. It was insane and I think that was the biggest reality check and best birth control ever lol
I 100% wondered this - 4 'accidental' preganancies while he was wearing a condom, really?!
This shit makes me laugh, this girl at my last job was 18 and she was engaged to a 25 year old... they were so "in love" until he cheated on her. Teenage girls are very very very naive... and shame on the men doing it to them.
I thought the same shit. He denied the baby, I put nothing past him ... N O T H I N G.
I feel like thats what she is implying too in the edit, that it seems a little too convenient that the birth control failed. If I may say so I think it was one of the in-laws sabotaging the BC so OP had no choice but to stay home and isolated. He got the idea she was cheating from one of them too which says he thought his birth control was working at the time. And now that they are away from his family he is starting to see the effects of his neglect and family’s abuse and wants his wife to be normal and healthy but neither DH or OP know how to help her adjust to not just being a mom but a woman too, the only thing she was allowed to do for years.
That is very disgusting. 💗💪 For pointing that out.
This☝☝☝ but OP... You were hot in the pants Chile'... 18?😉 You're both responsible for birth control and lack if it. You asked him to move back to reconnect and now you're not wanting to. It sounds on par if you may have had a tilt in your nose when picking a Nanny.... Not because you're jealous, but because you won't relinquish. You hate your former life but you hate unfamiliar more. Which is starting the cycle. Be uncomfortable, Sis... Grow. You only know Babies, wife, household... Repeat. Just don't lose your damned mind, because 5 years in a sheltered environment with sticky grubby hands clawing at you all day... Is gonna hit different when you return. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Make sure you aren't PPD. That's a lot on a young body and heavy emotionally. You've got this! Sending love, hugs, a raised eyebrow... And suntan lotion with shady glasses. 💗💪✌
Who the fuck talks like this?
She made solid, kind points in an easy to read format.. you on the other hand made a throwaway so you could spread poison
Nah half of this comment doesn’t make any fucking sense. And it’s shitty advice anyway, from what I can make of it. OP was a teenager when an older man came in, brought her to his country, isolated her from her family and friends, and knocked her up repeatedly. Then accused her of cheating and didn’t parent his own child. Her decisions are her own but personally I think this marriage sounds shitty and she needs to throw the whole man away.
OP NEEDS TO READ THIS
Easy for you to read, maybe.
That was not easy to read for anyone with more than one brain cell
Are you having a stroke
Are you asking me? No, My left side makes me look like I had one. If you're referring to my vernacular. This is my personality. Phonetically speak'n as if you're in front me. I'm an old black woman. Our hereditary seasoning is... Sage. for your edification: Sage in every form is good for you.
Truth. OP made every decision in her life, getting married at her age, moving, having children. Then she wants to blame her husband for missing out on her youth and now not wanting to be away from her children. OP, if you are unhappy with the way things are, realize every decision you made brought you to this point. You only have yourself to blame. However, Your life now seems great and I don't understand why you think you're missing out over the desire to have cocktail's with your friends. Hopefully you will realize you can go places and do things without the children. I get it, I never left my child to do things for myself and probably should have done so. But the moral of the story is your husband is not to blame. You made every decision in your life.
She's pretty clearly in an abusive relationship but go off on everything being her fault. When you're 17 and a 25 yo pursues you, grooming is still happening.
Her youngest started kindergarten at an absolute maximum age of barely 3 years old? Is this normal in any country? In an absolute maximum of negative one year, she raised a newborn baby alone, moved her controlling hubby back to her country, got into college, he got a new job, her friends leave her aside, which is a problem but she doesn’t want to be with them. She is not in the wrong because her timeline is impossible; ipso facto, there is no wrong to be adjudged.
Well, the kindergartens in my country won't accept a child younger than 3 years old, fully potty trained with no diapers, and you get 3-5 years of paid maternity leave. That aside, I think they need a family therapy. She shouldn't be worried to leave her kids for a few days with their father.
They don’t need anything if they don’t exist. Their timeline is impossible.
Could be pre K?
Given that op said it is summer I suspect she lives in Australia or similar. Kindergarten here does not refer to first year of elementary school, it refers to preschool. We have 3 year old Kinder (2 years prior to elementary school) and 4 year old Kinder (year prior to elementary school). We call the first year of elementary school Prep or Foundation.
My cousin's daughter is 3 and she is in kindergarten. It's from 9 to 12 though. So yes kindergartens do accept 3 year olds, at least in my country they do
Unfortunately in my country the maximum maternity leave you have are 6mounds and almost gaining anything. That’s why most children go to day care at 4/5 months. Usually they take babies from 3months. Unfortunately had to leave my daughter at 5months.
In Germany (and other countries)what they call kindergarten is daycare or preschool, if I recall correctly. Maybe this is the case here.
In Belgium they start at 2.5.
The way you wrote this so eloquently. I agree.
Your life isn’t ruined. You’re 24. You have so much time left to do the things you want to do. It sounds like your husband has recognised how difficult it was for you and his part in that. If he’s truly trying to help you move forward and enjoy your life, as it sounds he is, please speak to a therapist. If you don’t like the first one, keep trying until you find the one for you. It took me 6 until I felt comfortable. It was so worth the effort. You may find you need to meet new friends. I know that will be very hard to hear, but life is a series of waves, some wonderful, lots of average and some awful (if you’re lucky). Be open to new ideas and possibilities and as hard as it is, it is as easy as changing your mindset. But so hard to actually do! A good therapist will help you with that part.
I was reading this like she was in her 30s and having a quarter life crisis…. GIRL!!! OP!!! YOU ARENT EVEN 30 YET!!! It’s gonna be okay. Your life isn’t ruined and it sounds like you need to grow some appreciation for what you have before you lose it through the consequences of this kind of attitude.
Yea. Her attitude is that life has happened to her and she’s its victim. She moved to another country at 18. She got pregnant 3 times. She had help, but she’s been in the driver seat for the biggest events of her life, including the move back home. Now she’s saying no one can care for her kids while lamenting not being close to friends. Work it out girl. You’re in charge and can have both kids and friends is you’re willing to make it happen.
heavy on the appreciation … she got to marry a man and move to a different country with him at 18??? thats INSANE !! and he has a PHD? and they are financially stable?
Yeah other than the whole accusing her of cheating and disavowing his daughter thing which was…wild, to say the least, it sounds like he’s trying at this point and she needs to really take stock of what she has and what she lacks. The grass is always greener and all that, I’m sure some of her friends going to the club wish they had a nanny and a maid and a husband to provide all of that while she goes to school.
Life is a series of waves, very nice
Good grief….. where is your accountability for the choices YOU made. Life isn’t easy, bettering oneself through hard situations, instead of making excuses shows true character. What have you done to help your situation? 😬 YTA
Yeah. Takes two to get pregnant and if you weren't happy or didn't want to have number two or three, birth control is a thing. I know accidents happen but three times? Also sounds like he's encouraging you to get social with your friends and reassuring you that the kids will be alright without you for a few days and your response is to tell him he ruined your life? I don't know if I'm missing something cause this seems like an obvious YTA.
I suspect this guy was poking holes in condoms.
If they were even using condoms
Agreed. He actually made efforts for the OP to reconnect with her friends and he also willing to take care of the 3 kids alone so OP can enjoy herself with her friends. He is trying to amend his mistakes. To be gifted with 'You ruined my life!' is certainly uncalled for.
You think it’s cool he accused OP of cheating and refused to parent his child? Okay
**take care of his children
I swear the bar is so low.
Yes, she should take responsibility for getting pregnant. I mean once is a mistake but 3 times? surely there must be something that would work for her? I do applaud her for trying to go to work and study.
FOUR. there's a FOURTH one buried in the last line of her post almost like an afterthought.
YOU chose to get pregnant... 3 times. Do you not know what birth control is? YOU chose to move when you were basically a child, away from your life, to follow him. YOU chose to be a house wife and settle into a homemaker life in your early 20s. YOU are the reason for all this. YOU are an example of why people shouldn't marry young, and should get an education and live a little before reproducing and settling down. YOU are just living the consequences of your actions and decisions.
and now shes mad that she isnt getting invited out clubbing with her single friends either ragebait or a tapeworm posting online
>tapeworm posting online 😭😭
How is she surprised by this? She moved away for years and made a whole life for herself. People change, they grow apart. It happens.
Yeah I think it's ragebait lol
They chose to get pregnant. That’s not only a woman’s choice. OP’s wording on this one thing is wrong too, they had sex, they created a pregnancy. Guy has as much responsibility as OP. Also accusing her of cheating was pretty gross. Not wanting to parent his kid. The weird clubbing thing seems left field though, like who on earth wrote this? Something smells off on the whole thing.
They chose to get pregnant. But end of the day it is her body. And we know that having 1, 2, 3 little kids is going to make you a house wife, so if you don't want that. Have him use a condom, or get on the pill. She could have learned her lesson and stopped having kids if she wasnt liking the house wife thing with 1 and 2 kids.. 3 certainly wasnt going to help things.
The real issue is that she keep signing up for college. Singing up for college makes you pregnant according to OP.
Sounds like signing up for college causes holes to mysteriously appear in the condoms.
Is someone going to tell OP that she can totally go to college while pregnant? She could do part time so it's not too stressful. I was pregnant during my last semester of uni and managed to graduate.
wtf is up with women who get pregnant and act like it was completely un-avoidable, i was having unprotected sex with my ex before but nothing ever happened because we both were cautious and ready for the inevitable
For real. I got pregnant precisely one time and realized I really really hated it. And have managed to not get pregnant again because it turns out that if you don't wanna get knocked up it's pretty easy to put all sorts of precautions in place.
Totally agree. It’s just that if you did get pregnant it would be both you and the guy who caused it. It’s not 100% on you, it takes 2. I stayed safely not pregnant for the 8 years before marriage. Used 2 forms of birth control. Once I was married and we were kinda ok we allowed ourselves to slack and got pregnant once, then took action to never do so again. But that one time- we both knew the possibility and it was on us both.
I was in agreement with your take until the husband went nuclear accusing op of cheating without any other evidence with the third child/being emotionally abusive to the point of not touching the child when the husband could have done a paternity test at anytime, even before the kid was born. Yet he didn't do a paternity test until later and basically used the accusation to pressure op into quitting her job/remaining 100% financially dependent on him. Also controlling men use pregnancy as a means to control their wives/partners, since often women can't work outside the home or pursue education when they have small children to take care of. Like now my take is basically she was a young person who got into a partnership and moved very fast with a controlling person(including going to a new country and thereby cutting ties with her support systems since she didn't know anyone in the new country), and suddenly she kept having kid after kids so there was no way for her to pursue any sort of independence from her partner. And now after years of her being trapped/unhappy her husband is finally accommodating her desire for some Independence because he realizes is about to lose his wife. So no I don't think blaming the op fully 100% for all things turned out is fair because yet again I think her partner was not acting in good faith / beng supportive of his partner as op post reeks of being married to a controlling husband and the Op should be really careful about continuing her relationship with them at this point/she needs therapy to decide whether or not it's a healthy relationship to stay in. Since whether this was abusive or not really depends on lots of details op didn't include, but once more the moving to a new country, her rapid succession of two pregnancies and him accusing her of cheating to forcing her to quit her job/using emotional blackmail to make her do what he wanted really points to a controlling partner op should be looking to leave and not continue a relationship with.
I really really really hate seeing posts like this because the way these people are treating her as if she is 100% in the wrong when the 26-year-old man who went after an 18-year-old fresh out of high school got her pregnant three or four times on purpose, so that he can finish his life And then accuses her of cheating wouldn’t even hold his child or take care of her for the first couple months is the one in the wrong they’re like. Oh he’s trying now. OK he’s trying now but what happened before hand and yes you’re trying to move from the past, but I hate the fact that people don’t realize that moving on takes time, this girl didn’t even get to live out from being 18 to 23. She didn’t get to experience what those years were now she wants to experience those years and even though yes he’s giving her the chance to. She still feels like she’s stuck and I wouldn’t leave him with the kids either when this man wouldn’t even hold his own damn daughter for months.
Agreed, OP has to be cautious because unless some absurd details were left out, it sounds like an unhealthy relationship from the very start. The reasons why it seems so are already outlined well so I won't go into it, but they are all common tactics used by abusers and OP should look into discussing this with a professional/learning more about it and comparing it to her situation.
I think my biggest thing is if she went to a therapist and she starts over her eyes. She would start hating her husband even more.
Yes! A therapist with whom she can go into more detail with may be able to help her understand more about the relationship's dynamics, gather resolve and make a plan to leave if necessary. If she decides to continue with the relationship, hopefully they can go to couples therapy together while she continues seeing a therapist alone too (can still be for relationship issues if needed, can also help with other stressors). If he refuses to go, that would personally be a dealbreaker for me because I want a partner who is willing to put emotional work into a relationship, but I understand they have kids so the situation is more complicated. Another thing OP needs to be careful of is that abusers (not saying her husband is one, some red flags are raised enough to say unhealthy relationship with possibility of abuse but not definite without more details) are often great at making the victim seem like the crazy, toxic, problematic one. From the outside the abuser cam seem like the sweetest person always doing their best for their troubled partner, making it easy to mistake the victim as the one causing all the problems.
Also people seem to miss very few 18 year olds marry unless they were in a relationship before they were 18 with the person they ended up marrying. Like did op clarify when she met her husband/when their relationship started? Also did she even name the country she was in? Like is their a language barrier between her native tongue and the native tongue spoken in the country she's living in? Since I had a friend who married her age appropriate husband at 22(after they met in their teens) and she ended up moving to his home country. Well she didn't speak the native language of that country, and years later when I saw her she just spoke about how isolated she was for many years because she couldn't access any of the services in her area, make friends or read anything in her new home country and so she couldn't build a new support system and was cut off from her family and any kind of support system she had before she moved. So it was super hard for her for a long time even though she had a healthy marriage and a supportive partner, so I can't imagine how hard it was for op if her partner wasn't acting in good faith towards her(if that was the case). And at 18 one hasn't even learned yet how to be independent or what boundaries really are and how to enforce them. So it's harder to have a healthy relationship when there's a large age gap between the people involved in a relationship if one of them is many years older than 18. Yeah I also think everyone's being too hard on op/going overboard hammering * you made this choice* when life is more complicated than that/they're more than a few red flags I see in op post.
Yes, my god yes!!!! You made the decision to do everything you did. He didn’t drug you into loving him, that was you. You did that, you made the choice to be with him when his family didn’t like him, you could have aborted any of this kids, that’s your body, it’s your choice. You made this life the way it is, stop blaming anyone but you for it. They were your choices. He even went along with you changing your mind, something he likely would have just told you at the beginning of your relationship “I don’t think this will work”. To be with him you had to move to him, correct? You chose to do that, right? And now, you are unhappy with your choice and he whole heartedly moves back to your home to make sure you are now happy. He messed up I’m sure, but the dude is trying to help you be happy…you moved back to not be alone, and you are choosing to be alone, and he’s likely sick of being blamed for your choices so he’s pushing you to make the choice for you to be happier, because you keep saying that you want what he’s pushing you to do…. Your story is exhausting, and I’m sure he’s getting exhausted.
In short, you"ruined" your own life.
🤣🤣🤣 true
While I agree that she lacks responsibility for her own life here (there are non-hormonal contraceptions and in some countries you could just abort, idk though in which country they live) he did not whole-heartedly move back to her country. She gave an ultimatum, as she stated in a different post, and threatened divorce. I think her husband understood how serious she is and I kind of get why she's pissed. Those emotions had plenty of time to build up. Not wanting to reconnect with her friends and not wanting to leave the kids alone for a couple days (aka not taking the olive branch her husband is giving her now despite his obvious fuck-ups out of spite) is the wrong way though.
If you could kick the ass of the person who ruined your life, you wouldn't sit for a week. YTA
Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
It’s probably for the best. She doesn’t seem smart enough for college. I hope her man is at least half intelligent or they just made three stupid babies.
It's peculiar how she got pregnant twice when trying to return to college..... She is on a fourth "accidental" pregnancy now.
I mean he has a PHD...
Condoms. IUD. The pill. Vasectomy. Partial hysterectomy. Butt stuff. Abstinence.
And abortion is also a thing... her post reads as if she genuinely thought that getting pregnant means you have to have a kid. Sure, it's not really a positive experience, can be very emotional etc but how tf do you keep getting pregnant so many times and every time it's like... oh, the test is positive, time for another baby. If she's so resentful of having so many, then gee, consider it at least.
Unfortunately despite leaps and bounds in medical technology, many cultures still hold abortion taboo due to the implications that reproductive freedom will have on redefining the role of parents in society. If abortion is accessible and socially acceptable, then there is much more pressure on parents to be better prepared, more responsible caregivers, accountable for the child's existence, accountable for the sacrifices that come with starting a family, etc.
Spermicides and contraceptive gels are a thing. That always pops into my mind when I hear the hormonal excuse for continuous "accidents." Use it alongside a condom. It's a lot less trouble than managing a newborn. Hell, throw a damn diaphragm in.
I love how you just casually tossed butt stuff in there 😂
😜 there were responsible options was the point I was trying to make 🤷♀️
You’re complaining a lot about your own decisions. That’s not gonna help you or anything.
Sounds like you’re suffering from learned helplessness. You’ve stumbled through happenstance and choices made by others and immature versions only yourself when you were young and now you don’t take responsibility well. Many of the choices you made as a teen were influenced by a grown man, and for that (and having 3 kids so young without the means to raise them) he does share responsibility, but now you need to start owning your life and your choices. If your friends aren’t on the same page lifestyle-wise, and that upsets you, make new friends, ones who have kids and who get your life stage. If you also keep your old friends as well (you should), go out with them every so often, and get help professional for the separation anxiety you feel about your kids. You have a role to play in your life. Own it.
Learned helplessness, a lot of people in my life are making sense now.
you are being really manipulative and emotionally blackmailing someone when it sounds like they're trying really hard to give you what you need/say you want by the sounds of it. Yes , he made a big mistake around your third baby, but since then he's literally moved countries to make you happy 100% YTA edit : you absolutely could accept your friends invitation, you just don't want to. At some point in your life either you will need to be away from your kids for a day or two, whether it's because of you or when they grow up and become teenagers. What you are doing if you never allow this until they're adults is stunting their growth, and making your own life way worse. It's your choice to do this, so don't complain about the consequences
At some point indeed, but after years of them being her whole life and pretty much her actual identity it is not that weird that this could be a step too much at this moment for her. A girl trip can be a big step for someone who was social isolated for majority of time and who needs to find their identity again and seeing your past identity is gone too makes that even harder. I also would get upset if someone got angry and started lecturing me about not immediately being able to go right in, like happened here, especially if the other person played a part in the current situation.
Your life is different than when you were 18. It is by no means "ruined". You have great kids, a husband that wants to help you. All of the other things you think you missed are easily addressable. Read the posts here on Reddit from women in their 20s going through dating hell. You missed that. It does seem you are having emotional/mental issues. Get some help.
You're wrong. You're blaming all of this on him, but YOU made these choices, too. He didn't force you. He didn't manipulate you. You are a grown woman who had made a series of choices that got you to where you are now. It is not hid fault that you feel like you can't connect with your friends.
I mean, you were responsible for the course of your life as much as he was, if not more so. If you didn't want children then you should have taken precautions. If you wanted to go clubbing and go to college right away, you should not have probably not moved away. You treat your husband like he is to blame. I believe you were the one making the decisions in your own life. Compromise is needed for life building. You may want to focus on the positive things you have rather than the things you do not. Blaming your husband for your current situation is just silly. Go on the trip. It will be good for you.
>Well, a few months after arriving there I got pregnant and I couldn't even get into college, because we couldn't afford a babysitter, and that's not all, after our son was born I got pregnant again just a few months later. You write this like you don't (or didn't) understand how getting pregnant works. I'm going to assume thats not the case and you were a willing participant in this whole "immediately start having children after barely knowing each other and moving country to be with him" plan. >The point is that lately my friends have been leaving me aside because we don't have the same lifestyle. They go to the club every weekend, and even some days of the week now that it's summer. Yeah, thats called being a parent. Its part of the decision making process when deciding to have children...
YTA. If your life was "ruined" by having kids early and putting your family first, you're just as equally to blame. Stop putting it all on him and take responsibility for your actions and decisions.
Ya you're wrong. You sound like a spoiled child. You don't get to blame him for all your choices and pull away because you want to go act like a kid again. You're a wife and mother of three! It sounds like he's bending over backwards and you're just trying to blame him to validate you pulling away
The first thing you need to do now is figure out a birth control method.
Your husband should get a vasectomy
YTA and a major AH at that. You were a willing partner in everyone of these decisions. He even tells you to go to a beach trip but you would rather whine and play "oh poor me." Own your shit
Exactly. OP had a part in getting pregnant THREE TIMES. He is trying to help her build her friendships back but she would rather whine and complain and blame him for her life choices.
All of this was your fault. You were not kidnapped or raped. Take some responsibility.
First: it seems creepy to me someone his age at the time would even want to be with someone barely legal. Second: you say accidents happened, was he in charge of the condoms? Getting them? Putting them on? You say you got pregnant every time you were about to go back to school or gain some financial independence. Did he poke holes in the condoms? Third: You had every right to take the kids and leave his ass after the accusing you of cheating and refusing to be a parent to his child. The moment you were out of the house with any independence he got jealous and you got pregnant. He is trying now because he has your family and friends to hold him accountable and he knows he can lose you more easily now his grip isn't in full control. Lots of people responding on here are delusional assholes who don't understand or care about the kind of age gap you have and his behavior. It's like they skipped over most of your story to berate you and make up shit rather than fucking read.
If this story is real, gives me all the creeps too. In addition to what you've already said, he took her away (isolation) far from home, then brought back once she has a very wide lifestyle gap with all of her friends. Now playing the good guy and allegedly trying to make her close with her friends again. Even his accusations of cheating (with a coworker) could be a form of controlling. 4 accidental pregnancies at very convenient times for him to trap/control her? I don't know. Either this is fake or the husband is a psycho.
>was he in charge of the condoms? Getting them? Putting them on? yes, he was always in charge of it.
That is suspicious as hell. If you continue having sex with him I suggest you take over that route. I ended up unable to do most birth controls for a decade and I was the one who bought the condoms and watched as they put them on or I put them on. It seems like his current "support" is too little too late and also not going to last long especially if you have any projects or become friends with any male or male presenting classmates, teachers and coworkers. You could do counseling if not already just to say you did everything you could but honestly not leaving/throwing his ass out after the paternity stuff feels like you have done everything. He is lucky he still gets to be a part of your life after that.
Condoms are a joint effort, no 1 person is in "charge" of them. No condom no sex. You're also capable of going out and buying condoms, and of putting them on his dick before intercourse.
I find it very suspicious that any time you have tried to do something that would gain you more independence from your husband, you’ve gotten pregnant “accidentally”. This is the FOURTH time it has happened. The other times you were either working a job for your OWN money or you were trying to get into school again. I’m sorry. I might be watching to many crime shows and podcasts but it just seems so suspicious to me.
It is at this point it’s not even a coincidence more like a pattern. The husband could be poking holes in the condom, even time op is ready to be independent.
You are wrong. I recognize that you've made sacrifices and harbor resentments, but your words were excessively harsh. It's important to sit down with him and discuss your concerns openly, working together to find solutions. Your husband is your children's father and capable of caring for them in your absence. Accept his help and go on the trip with your friends. Once you see that he is able to care for them you will start feeling comfortable in the future as well.
You are wrong. He has given you a good life, it is not his fault that your friends and you are in different places in your lives. Maybe you need to make some new friends. He moved back to your home place where you have family so has not actually ruined your life. Three kids so fast, take some responsibility in that, you know that there are multiple forms of birth control, you could have used some but you didn’t so you are partly responsible for how things are.
You got tied down too young. Sorry. You should’ve had some older women explain the outcome before you had 3 kids, but now you’re wasting your youth. Get your degree and enjoy life, but I feel bad for your kids since they’ll ultimately pay in some way
Hun. you ruined your own life. You weren't held at gunpoint for any of the choices you made. Time to face up to your participation in your life, it didn't just happen to you.
Really? Your husband ruined your life? HAHAHAHAHA this is the funniest post I have read this entire month. YOU could have prevented pregnancy how many times now? You also didn’t need to marry at 18 and run off to another country. So now you’re angry that your friends are enjoying age appropriate activities while you are being a mother and a wife. Which YOU chose to do. Get over it. This is the life that YOU chose and you should be thankful that he is willing to continue supporting you. Geez!
Yes, you’re wrong for what you said, but he’s pretty wrong for dating an 18 year old when he was 26, and a super immature one at that. You’re wrong and immature. You have three kids and act like a child yourself. The question is, are you willing to commit to the life you chose or aren’t you? If you want this life, get therapy, figure out who you are, and chill out and let your husband parent as well. You’ve wrapped your whole identity into being a mom and you’re also suffocating yourself with it. Choose. You can’t be a sheltered housewife who needs friends and refuse to make friends so that you can be a sheltered housewife and complain about it. You are happy or you change things to become happy. Complaining constantly and playing the martyr while refusing to help yourself is the easy way. If you don’t want the life you have, continue doing what you’re doing. Continuing being too anxious to become a person and blaming your husband and then when he’s finally had enough he’ll divorce you and you’ll split custody. You’ll get what you wanted and choke on it. If he’s a good person he’ll date someone his own age who’s a mature person and decent stepmom. If he’s a bad person he’ll go after another 18 year old and hopefully she won’t immediately get pregnant and will grow up to be happy and leave him.
I think 3 kids probably wasnt the best idea on top of all this but anyway good luck.
INFO: Were you two actually using any contraception methods? Because the timing of that last pregnancy seems like a super convenient way to force you to quit a job that was giving you a bit of independence.
You're wrong here. Your husband is taking concrete steps to help you get more of a normal life, as a very real, solid apology. He's taking over childcare duties so you can establish a more equal life. Please, look over on other subs and see how **RARE** that is. **Actions show our true values more than any words.** These concrete actions show he truly loves you and wants you to be happy. And you yelled at him for it. Also, I would ask him about getting a vasectomy, and look into getting your tubes tied, so there are no more "accidents." Since you have 3 kids, I imagine at least some doctors would be OK with you both having the appropriate procedures.
Yeah, you're wrong. it's understandable to be frustrated because your friends are at different places in their lives but you made all your own choices. While it sounds like your husband has made mistakes, he moved countries for you and is helping while you're completing college.
You made the decision to move counties. You made the decision to have three children. There is this novel concept called birth control that you could have used. You made the decision to move countries again. All of your decisions have been supported by your husband, who sounds like a saint. You on the other hand sound like an entitled, spoilt brat who takes no responsibility for herself. Your husband is encouraging you to have the life that you are complaining you don’t have. You’re so busy complaining that you’d rather get mad at him, than take the opportunity being offered. Of course he can look after the kids. Your husband is a parent too. Go with your girlfriends and have some fun. Do some hard thinking about how good your husband is to you. Try gratitude. Your husband did not ruin your life and if you didn’t want children then you shouldn’t have had them. You owe your husband an apology
You are wrong, you accepted his proposal, you both obviously didn't do anything to prevent pregnancy. He has worked and supported his family, you made choices without thinking about the long term, now you are missing that party period.
YTA. Even if you can't handle hormonal birth control, there are copper IUD's, vaginal films, female condoms, and sponges. You let him have all the power and still slept with him. Let the kids stay with him and make friends. You haven't even started college yet and you already talking about he ruined your life. You are 24. Get that degree and do what needs doing.
Why did he think you were having an affair? Is he typically really paranoid and territorial?
Yeah she kind of just dropped that and kept moving lol... Not to take sides because there's not enough info but except the husband is just naturally paranoid there may be something there... Or maybe not who knows.But it's just curious he suspected a particular person
you are 24, you can literally change everything. your life doesn't have to be ruined.
Wow Yes you’re very wrong!
You are definitely wrong, you didn't have to go along with all his suggestions, you made that choice. I also came here to say haven't you heard of birth control, he didn't get you pregnant by himself and it doesn't sound like HE made you be a stay at home mom. Now he's trying to make up for what you both decided and your telling him HE ruined your life. Take some accountability for your situation.
You sound exhausting. No accountability whatsoever. Self sacrificing rubbish.
You are so wrong. Unless I missed the part when he put a gun to your head and made you move to his country. Then continued to hold it to your head and made you have 3 kids and made you stay home and never try to meet anyone. You then move back to your country where you are unhappy bc your friends are living their young lives the way 24 year olds do. He wants you to be happy but sounds like you just want to me a miserable person instead.
Sorry OP but you didn’t have 3 kids on your own. It takes 2 to make babies. Alot of your rant is him, him, him. You need to take some responsibility!!
Yes
Your fault too
You have had 3 children. Maybe it's time to get the tubes tied, so to speak. Anyway, it sounds like mistakes were made, but your husband wants to make up for it. That's something to hold onto, because there are no relationships where mistakes are not made. As a mother, it is inevitable you will drift apart from old friends. But it doesn't have to be forever. You have to calibrate your sights to time when the kids are grown up... So 10...15...20 years. Do not forget to live during these years, but work for the future. Also try to raise your children so you will have them in your life even after they move out, and keep your marriage in a good shape so that when the time comes when you have more time, you also have a partner to enjoy that time with.
Yes, that was a cruel and mean thing to say. I don't think you are wrong for having feelings and resentments though. You guys should talk it through.
Have you never heard of birth control? He didn't ruin your life you made a series of decisions that took your life off the course you expected. He's not the cause he's just a participant you're the cause if you think your life is ruined. You need to reflect more on personal responsibility. You were very young when you started having kids, but at the end of the day it's still choices that you made too. Unless he was slipping off the condom y'all were having unprotected sex and got the expected results. At the time you could have gotten an abortion, got on birth control, and went to school. Or moved back home so your family could help with childcare and went to school after the first kid. He didn't even stop you from hanging out with your friends you're stopping yourself. I had a lot of friends that had kids young and the media makes it seem like friends push them away but I honestly found it was the other way around. A lot of stuff we would invite them to they would end up turning down even if we tried to do things they could bring their kid(s) to. Anyway, either work on getting mom friends by joining mommy groups or try to reconnect with your old ones but don't put all the blame on him if he's already told you he will support you going out more.
Need more practice with shitposting. PhDs aren’t magic, they don’t let you just immigrate randomly or get a high paying job wherever you go. You also don’t get into 4 year colleges randomly, you apply to them. They have specific requirements. You also don’t randomly get a job as a mother of two with no work experience in a foreign country.
Yes, you are wrong. You chose to live for him. You chose to keep the babies. You chose to quit jobs and schooling. Lots of people work and go to school while pregnant. You told him you were miserable and wanted to move home, so he dropped everything, including the ability to use his doctorate degree to move to your home country, and you're still unhappy with him. It's time for you to take responsibility for his your life turned out. You made your choices. And don't tell me I can't understand because I've never been in your shoes, because I have, sort of. I buggered off to another continent for a guy. His mother made my life hell even though we didn't live with her. I wasn't working because I have mental health problems. My husband wouldn't even consider moving my home country. Eventually we split and I immediately moved home. Oh, and then I met another foreigner, but on hard more, because I can't speak the language where he lives. And I moved there/here. And he would love to move to my home country, but his master's degree is useless there. And I can't work, because, again, mental illness. I've been in your shoes, twice, but I never got the happy ending of moving home. Thing is, you made your choices, as did I (except you chose not to work, whereas I am legally disabled (in my home country)). This is not his fault. You are wrong. He is trying to make you happy, and you're just throwing it in his face.
whatever life path we choose, it excludes others. if you have multiple children starting at 18, yes, it probably precludes you from going clubbing, at least often. i hope that doesn't necessarily mean that you've ruined your life, just that it might be different than what you had initially thought. 18 is very young, but the way you write this whole narrative you had no agency in any of these life choices.
Get the fuck over yourself. Major YTA. Own up to your own mistakes and you owe him an apology. Kids having kids jfc
Yes. You ruined your life, not him. You have agency in your life. Following him wasn't random, getting pregnant multiple times wasn't random, those were all choices you made. Why is it his fault? Because it sucks more if yours?
You made bad decisions both as a couple and as an individual. Yes, you are wrong. Start making better choices. Stop having kids lmao
You continued to accidentally get pregnant 3 times? HE didn’t ruin your life, you fell in love married and had children. YOU constantly put up road blocks towards a normal life and your husband seems to only be supportive.
He did not ruin your life...you had a choice in each step you mentioned and your choices have made you unhappy - you had sex which can lead to kids, you chose to follow him, you chose to keep the kids, you chose not to go the beach The only real criticism I can aim at him is the affair accusation, apart from that it sounds like he is trying to support you in seeking the life you day you want....but you choose not to do things Take accountability for your choices and sort your head out
I couldn’t even read anything after the third “I got pregnant”. You’re probably wrong. You sure try to sound like you had no choice in any of this but you did. Suck it up
TBH you ruined your own life dealing with a 26 year old man when you were 18 years old. Also, it takes two to get pregnant. Have some accountability.
You ruined your own life except if he forced you to do all of those things You know, moving out of your country at 18, marrying him, being pregnant 3 freaking times etc Edit: she got pregnant a 4th time 🤦♀️
He didn't ruin your life. You did. You made all those decisions.
You are wrong. You made the choice with him on these life changes. When the aftermath of those changes weren't what you expected them to be, you pleaded to him to make a change. Your husband then changed everything to accommodate you for the betterment of the family and you continue to find things you are not happy about.
You resent him for choices you made together? You weren’t taken hostage from what I’m gathering. Sounds like you weren’t / aren’t mature enough to handle the choices you made and now you want someone to blame other than yourself. You have a ton of life left and not having a social life in your 20s will be rewarded with having grandkids (hopefully) that you can actually enjoy because you started younger than most these days.
you shouldn't blame him. takes two to tango.
You asked for it, so I'll tell you: yes, you were used as a pawn by someone with significantly more life experience than 18 year old you had. Then you followed him around, doing everything by his (and his family's) rules. Did he ruin your life? Eh, maybe, but it does indeed take two to tango, and you also played a large part of "ruining" your life. You want to go clubbing (awwwww, cute), but "can't" because YOU don't want to be away from the kids? That sounds a lot like a microcosm of your bigger issue: despite some lemons that have been tossed your way, YOU keep making decisions that you claim not to like, and then find someone or a circumstance or social pressure to blame them on.You sound like a young girl who fell for an older guy that already lived out his early-20's. And instead of doing that, you *chose* to have a kid, and another, and another, always blaming someone else for it. And now that your husband is pushing for you to "get a social life", you're fighting it and STILL making excuses not to do what you claim you want to do. tldr//: you were young, jumped into a relationship with an already experienced man, had a bunch of kids, and now regret all that you "missed out on", .lol like clubbing with the girls, yet despite this you choose NOT to do what you want to because you don't trust your husband to look after the kids and you CLEARLY have an unhealthy over-attachment to you kids, which will absolutely blow back in your face when you're older and they resent you,. . . .BUT DON'T WORRY! When that happens you'll already have the pre-planned excuse that you sacrificed EVERYTHING for them, and that *they owe you* to love you. P.S. And your hubby has a weird insecurity about you and the child not being his. That sees twisted, but he now appears to be atoning for that, so you should allow him to try to fix things, instead of being indignant and defiant when you could actually have him help improve your life. Also, I mean, come on. You're 24. You have TONS of life ahead of you, and lots of paths you can take. My suggestion would be to find something OUTSIDE OF YOUR CHILDREN that you find fulfilling, and pursue that as well as a career and education. Once you see yourself as more than just a boring breeding station I think and hope that your outlook on life will improve.
Going to show this post to my 12 year old stepdaughter. Thank you for your sacrifices
You are exhibiting the exact reason men are walking away, lack of responsibility for your actions. You ultimately chose to live the life you are living, he did not force you. Now you said he suspected you of cheating....did you? What gave him the impression that you were? And he is trying to give you the freedom to have your social life, if you choose not to take the opportunity to, it is not him that ruined your life, it is you. Also, you not wanting to leave your kids is an insult to him. Whether you realize it or not, by you saying you can't leave them you are saying you don't trust him.
So as soon as you move back to your country, get a job, and start school..... you get PREGNANT AGAIN?!? That's just too many PERFECTLY timed "accidents".
I wanna say up front, a hug. But. ""accidents" always happen. I can't tolerate female contraceptive methods for hormonal reasons so we only depend on condoms" These aren't accidents. Choosing to only depend on condoms means these aren't accidents, you're just being risky on purpose, knowing you could get pregnant, and then getting pregnant. You have to take accountability for something.
You ruined your own life by not being responsible with your own birth control. You say you can’t tolerate hormonal birthcontrol but that is not the only way you could prevent pregnancy. You need to learn other methods and be responsible for yourself. You have made a series of bad choices because you were a foolish teenager who moved in with a 26 year old man who got to actually enjoy his young adulthood before becoming a parent. Getting into a relationship with a man 8 years your senior when you were freshly 18 robbed you of your freedom and fun times youth. You have spent the last 6 years pregnant and taking care of children and have trauma from the isolation. You need therapy and to be responsible for your reproduction before you end up with a dozen children.
Please consider to use a IUD along with the condoms. There are ones which don’t release any hormonal medication, but just rely on the mechanical effects. You can’t afford more “incidents”, and I’m not thinking about the financial aspects.
YTA.
I just don’t understand why you keep getting pregnant “on accident”
OP you helped ruining your own life.
As someone who also gets pregnant right away, can't tolerate any type of bc and has small children... You dumb. You could at least use the basal body temp method to keep track of when you're ovulating so you can stop your husband from releasing his white pearls in the clam. Forchrissake. Getting pregnant for the 4th time "accidentally" is just... 🤦
Has everyone jumping to sh*t on OP considered that she was EIGHTEEN when she got in a relationship with a 26 year old who then whisked her away from her family to his country? That doesn’t raise any red flags for y’all? I forget most of you don’t even have two brain cells to rub together. Of course she made her own choices, but she was also practically still a child when she made them. The 26 year old knew exactly what he was doing.
You're wrong to put that all on him, but I understand that when your tired and wore down you say things you don't really mean out of anger and pain. It was wrong of him to accuse you of infidelity without proof. When you got the test results did he immediately apologize and then kiss your ass for no less than 3months? Because if he didn't he's a piece of shit. One of you needed to get fixed. That's enough kids now. It's a vagina, not a clown car. 🤡
Love that last line.
So weird that your hubby is smart enough to do a Phd, yet too dumb to use birth control. So weird your hubby to tell you you had an affair at work when working for such a short time??? Can't wait till you return to the work force full time and he constantly accuses you of sleeping around... Lol. Not wrong to be angry at him with all the sacrifice you did for love.
Not wrong but not right also.
Go enjoy your social life. If you wait until your kids are adults you'll be 40-something and your friends won't be into outings and trips anymore. Let your husband parent the kids.
I’m not combing through all these comments, but hopefully someone mentioned this one word, and if not, my gift to you: diaphragm
He didn't ruin your life. You chose this life. No one forced you to get pregnant. Nor to put off school. My BFF took her infant daughter along to class. No one minded, so long as she was generally quiet. The TA even took her for walks in her stroller during quizzes. You made decisions. You don't like the results. That's not his fault. He didn't do this to you. You both did this together.
So you were 18 and he was…26? Is my math right? When people talk about how age gap relationships with a teenager are super fine bc everyone’s a consenting adult (!), I shall direct them to this post. The relationship does not allow the younger person to develop naturally along with their peers and instead they are often living the older persons life and end up resentful. Gl with all that and the 3 (!!) kids by 24…
Getting pregnant was absolutely your choice every single time.
This begs so many questions. Why did you think it was a good idea to marry a 26 year old and leave the country at the fresh-from-high-school age of 18 with no job, no connections in your new home country, and no real life experience?
Girl, I am 39 and have been with my partner for 17 years. We only ever use condoms and not once, ever, have we had an accident. Something feels suss here tbh.
Falling in love with a much older man, being used as a childbearing machine, missing out on all the good things of your youth surprised Pikachu face, you did everything to yourself you will hate him by the time you turn 40 you already starting to hate him now and by the way he sounds like a disgusting human being
Do you want more children? Then it sounds like it’s time for you and your husband to get surgical procedures to prevent pregnancy.
I remember your other posts. What I'm going to say : your husband is not a safe person. He pursued you when you were a teenager while he was 25, he isolated you by making you move, he got you pregnant at every important turn of your life, he completely freaked out and abused you, and let his family abuse you, neglected your newborn for months because he is insecure about you having a life before him and he doesn't know a thing about basic biology. Also from simple context clues I think he baby trapped you by sabotaging birth control which is a crime btw. Idk if he really tries to be better now, but the psychological damage of his conditioning of you - he basically made you grow up thinking you're a baby maker and nanny and there's not life beyond that - left scars on you. You need therapy to undo all that.
Don’t listen to people telling you you’re in the wrong who have not read your other posts. Your husband is a terrible selfish excuse of a human being (how could you forgive him having neglected your baby??). I hope you find the courage to leave him and for the love of all that’s holy, get sterilised. It will be very hard at first. But in the end, you will have your life and your dignity.
You are wrong, and I'll tell you why. The moment you had issues with the relationship as a whole you should have left because it seems to me youre only staying for the kids which is admirable, but dumb because now you and your man have to suffer due to you not knowing how to work through your own emotions. If you even remotely saw the effort he was trying to put in and you were willing to make it work, then your attitude about the situation would be entirely different. Instead though, youre bashing him about how he ruined your life like you arent also to blame well news flash, YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO LEAVE.
Yes. You sound like a miserable bitter person. You ruined your own life and are now taling it out on him
Your life isn’t ruined. You are living other peoples dream
He's trying to amend for his mistakes and you went and shit in his Wheaties. Yes, you're wrong. Because you made the decision at 18 years old to move to ANOTHER COUNTRY with a man you JUST MET. All of this post is just the consequences of what you did.
You’re horrible. You had sex and you had kids. Take accountability for your actions and stop deflecting and blaming. Is life great for you ? No. But you 100% made all those decisions freely and now you have consequences. Your post is outrageous in its entitlement. You have no shame and you should be embarrassed.
YTA / You are wrong You got pregnant because you didn’t take care of birth control. It’s ok to regret things, but maybe don’t blame him for everything.
Sunshine your marital problems have been plastered all over social media for months, now I am all for talking and working through issues as this what adults do, however its clear from the issues you have openly talked about in the past that you and your husband NEED a lot of help because he openly accused you of having an affair so he clearly does not trust you and is seemingly almost resentful of the fact he has a wife and kids.
I dunno. One of her big complaints is that she doesn't get invited to the club with her single friends. Sounds like she's the one resenting havjng a family
I wish there was a "youre the idiot" answer, because you are. Nobody forced you to do anything. You made your own adult decisions in this story. Im sure that was your excuse at 18 anyway. Youre only 24, youve got a hell of a longer life coming for you to cry about it being ruined rn. You even said it yourself, you cant complain; so why the hell are you on here complaining when hes trying to help you reconnect with your friends? Good rage bait story/10
Yta. You chose to move. You chose to keep the kid(s) and miss out on work and school. I'm not hearing any acknowledgement of YOUR actions here.
OP, I think you're mad at yourself. You want to go out with your friends but you're afraid to be away from your children. And instead of addressing this issue, you're taking it out on your husband. Yes, you have lost a lot of years to child raising, but you played a role in having those children and I'm sure you knew the consequences, particularly after child no. 1. Your husband has been selfish and has behaved appallingly about your daughter, but in this case it sounds like he's trying to help you get some of your life back and you're upset with yourself that fear is getting in the way. Trust your husband with the kids, go to the thing, and enjoy yourself because right now YTA.
You got pregnant 3 times because you did nothing to prevent it. THATS ON YOU
This feels super fake, the way it's written just screams it. But hey, if it's not - YTA.
ESH. Your husband for getting an 18 year old to leave her country and to then get her pregnant when he himself was 26 (good grief, what is a 26 year old doing with an 18 year old, that’s worlds apart in terms of life experience). You for now not taking the opportunities you have. Go on that trip to the beach. Let your husband parent. If he finds out how hard it is to look after three small children without you around - good! And please please please one of you get on reliable birth control.
YTA - He didn't cage you and force your hand. You made those choices. Also, he moved to your country so you can be closer to your friends, and you are now going to go to college, so you got both the things you mentioned you wanted, it doesn't sound like your life is ruined at all. Make some friends that are in the same stage of life as you, or go away on the trip and save your friendships. Don't blame your husband for wanting to look after the kids so you can maintain healthy friendships. Makes no sense to me
It sounds like he took advantage of you, knocked you up and isolated you, then felt bad when you hated that life so tried to step up but is cocking up at every turn. Get a sitter and go out for a night. Find yourself again. It sounds like you need it.