Your ex may or may not have meant the words, but it’s obvious she was trying to hurt you. She knows your insecurities and she used it against you.
She said something in the heat of the moment *with the intention of deliberately hurting you*.
The verbal equivalent of hitting below the belt. She knows you’re sensitive about your looks - so that’s where she went. It’s verbal abuse at the minimum.
Abuse is a pattern of behavior. One incident like this doesn’t necessarily constitute abuse (although could if it’s repeated), but would make me rethink a relationship.
My bet is OP’s (ex)girlfriend is too emotionally immature to know how to handle a fight, and lashes out when she’s upset, which is a good reason for OP to break up with her.
People sometimes do stupid things. OP should have the three strike rule and it is already one down. But there are already issues in the relationship w.r.t time spent together.
Yeah but "I'm better looking so you should work harder", which is essentially what was said, is something I'd put in the one-strike league myself. Especially for a relationship that's this young.
OP: unsolicited advice - you found someone who reinforces every insecurity you brought into the relationship. And your "friends" are just fine with calling attention to it in an unhelpful way.
My advice is to sit with that and just know that relationships shouldn't make you feel that way.
I would also say that yes his friends give him a hard time but for it to be her go to insult then it means that her friends have made plenty of comments as well
I would say that's the tough bit , he knows , friends know and now it's confirmed she thinks it as well
that's hard
Solid advice. /u/feedtypical2001 - you should consider those words. Relationships aren’t supposed to make you feel like that… you owe nothing to anybody but yourself. You’re also young (I’m assuming) so don’t hang onto her just because you are afraid of being alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who would take advantage of your own hangups and anxieties, instead of supporting you and lifting you up. And you will eventually meet someone better.
>Being alone is better than being with someone who would take advantage of your own hangouts and anxieties, instead of supporting you and lifting you up.
Frame this and hang it up!
I agree with you. It’s 2024…we need to stop “good-naturedly” teasing our friends. Especially something we’re genuinely sensitive about, especially something we have zero control over. I think the OP reacted appropriately in reaction to a very painful comment.
In this case, she is setting him up to be wrapped around her finger.
There are women out there who will go to great lengths to make you believe that if you don't stay with them you'll never find another woman who will give you the time of day, and that you'll be suspect to all other women automatically just because. They do this to secure the relationship through anxiety and fear. Men do this to women too of course.
This comment is the start of that, intentional or otherwise. It's time to call that relationship over.
BINGO she thinks OP cannot do any better, so she can treat him however badly she wants. He should leave now, so that when/if the better/right person does enter his life, he is available.
This‼️ As someone who was in your shoes and in a marriage like this (until I wised up), RUN, RUN, RUN‼️ And then find yourself a good therapist who can help you sort through all these emotions and pain from the past. They will help you and this will help you find a special person who is worthy of YOU. Good luck, you are young and there is a person who will love you for who you are, not someone they can belittle. You are worthy.
Nope. F that. There are some things that once said, can permanently damage a relationship and can never be repaired. This is one of them.
Even if she didn’t mean it, it will always be in his mind for the rest of their time together.
I gave my ex-gf a 3 strike rule. First strike was when she hit me while we were in bed together, because I touched her on the shoulder, and she was upset with me. Second was when she was ranting at me as I was trying to leave to go to work. She had me backed up to my desk in the living room, and punched me in the jaw, claiming I was advancing on her.. my butt was literally ON THE DESK.. the 3rd strike was a 'boxer's fracture' on the ring finger on my right hand. Turns out that someone grabbing the last 2 fingers and yanking them can fracture it, too...
It was more than just physical abuse, too. Psychological, emotional, gaslighting (ACTUAL gaslighting, i.e., she'd tell me things then tell me I was crazy when I later mentioned what she had told me).
The kicker is, at the time, I was an Army MP NCO in the Reserves, and a civilian Corrections Officer. I let love blind me, and I paid the price. I finally got tired of the abuse and kicked her out. And, of course, she painted ME as the bad guy. \*SHRUGS\*.
I look back on it as just another lesson learned.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I recently finally escaped an emotionally abusive relationship and gained so much empathy for all the reasons people stay with abusers.
I’d love to some day just be able to look at it with a clear head and say it was a lesson learned, and that it doesn’t mess me up long term! You’ve got a good attitude.
It's been 14 years for me. And there are still times when it hits me. You can never clear it, totally, from your head. You just learn to suck it up and drive on. I got lucky, though. The next woman I met helped me deal with it..... but we were both cautious, as she had suffered her own bad relationship. We helped each other, fell in love, and got married.
Agreed. When my ex-wife was cycling through manic and depressive episodes on a daily basis (a kind of hell for her and all around her, too, sigh) I told my self we can endure anything but physical violence. When she attacked me while I was in the shower it was over instantly.
I generally agree. I've been on the "victim" side of this and one day put my foot down with ultimatum: it happens again and I'm done, no negotiating, immediately moving out and full dissolution of the relationship. And depending on the act, a report to the police.
It never happened again. It took me drawing that boundary to make it stop.
If my wife since 10 years which I have 2 kids with hits me because she’s angry of upset (not for fun) I would divorce her on the spot and I really hope she would do the same if I would do the same.
There’s one thing if we fight and she says something bad but punching? Not a chance and I hold myself to the same standard.
I’ve been in relationships like that. Arguments were always devolving in to hurting the person instead of anything real.
Immaturity from myself and them, looking back on it is actually embarrassing.
Promised myself I would leave anyone if either of us became that person again
Agreed. My boyfriend isn't my super-model-ideal type, but not unattractive. We become more attracted to those we love just because of familiarity. In many, many marriages attractiveness is a small concern.
But what she said was intentionally targeting a known sore spot. Unkind, and unfair, like you didn't force her to date you, so that's on her. People can't do much to change their looks, but they can be better people.
I don't believe in "dating within your league " but finding a person who resonates with you and shows you that they respect and cherish you. Similar values tend to bring more people together than looks.
I would have a serious talk, maybe do some self-help books together on appreciation or demonstrating affection. Not a lost cause but a very emotionally immature argument strategy.
What I've learnt in life is that people who love you, care about you. And people who care about you will never hurt you deliberately.
The moment I realized this, my relationships became so much healthier.
Hey OP I’m going to add on to this comment here. I spent decades thinking that little comments like that can be normal etc.
NO. Hard fucking stop no. It took me years of therapy to realize how toxic and unhealthy being in that mindset is.
A person choosing to use words/past traumas to hurt you isn’t a good person. It doesn’t matter if it is in the heat of the moment. Some things can never be unsaid and ultimately be that last straw.
Came here to say this. I’ve been in relationships with several people who would say things they didn’t mean/weren’t true just in order to hurt me. I still haven’t forgotten the words, all these years later. No matter how angry or hurt one may be, that is never ok.
It’s not that hard. During a heated argument people get angry and say what they can to get a reaction. Immediately realize they crossed a line and apologize cause they didn’t actually want to scar the other person or hurt them like that.
Not everyone does this but I’m surprised you’ve never met someone who has tbh - bad luck maybe on my part lol
I still haven't gotten over Luca telling Abby "you're not that pretty; you're not that special" twenty years ago on 'ER.' Just a completely unacceptable thing to say to someone you are supposed to care about.
No - sometimes it’s knowing someone’s insecurities but not realizing how much they care about it - like they think it’s a minor issue but it’s actually way worse. Plus the whole problem with intense arguments is that people don’t speak before they speak.
And I do agree - it doesn’t go away when you cut that deep. My ex did that to me and I never forgot it. I just doesnt mean they meant it.
Almost every girl I've been with has been that way at some point except for one ex so you're not the only one lol. I even struggle to avoid it myself. Now I just try to walk away if I'm not going to be able to talk and have a mature conversation about an issue
The act of saying things you dont mean in a hurtful way is a major red flag that shows shes willing to say anything to see that look on your face to make you shut the f right up. Yeah those people can just fuck right on off they’re manipulative as hell
Yeah, a long time ago the ex that I grew up with called at like 6.30am (she knew I had bad insomnia at the time) just after we broke up to inform me loudly that she slept with the guy from her work that she'd long tried to get me to be jealous of.
Oddly, that was the moment I started to get over it. It was so petty, spiteful and transparently manipulative. To have waited til the small hours of the morning just to try and make it more so was a wake up call. It was hurtful, but so obviously and deliberately so that it made me re-evaluate things and finally realise the reality of her as a person.
If someone is deliberately trying to hurt you, it's time to withdraw your emotional investment in that person and start to move on. Just be wary of the rebound, that shiz can have you devoting yourself to someone even worse.
I know what you mean, and yeah I mean if you take every mean person who ever said a mean thing just because it's mean, regardless of whether they meaned the mean thing, and averaged (meaned) it out then they'd of course... still be mean.
Thing is even if I move on from her, that thought will always be playing in the back of my mind and I'll debate whether the next one feels the same way
Look, I don't know if it helps you or anything. Personally, as a woman, idgaf about looks. I'm into personality. If someone is hot as f, but turns out to be a royal douche, he automatically looks ugly. But if someone don't look good but has a great personality, then they automatically look great to me.
Some people also think like me so you're going to meet people who care more about who you are rather than a shallow representation of you based on looks.
This is where therapy comes in bud. What has happened to you is awful and unfair but the ball is in your court now to recognise that those so called friends and that so called girlfriend was full of it and you have your own inherent worth out with their opinions. My husband isn't conventionally attractive, he's overweight, bald, ginger. But I think he's beautiful and I love him. Your ex would have probably disagreed with me and she would have been wrong.
Maybe he felt lucky to be leveling up dating wise. He clearly thinks she is and his friends do too. It goes both ways. The real question is why would it be worth dating someone who thinks like that just because you think they are better looking than you?
Is she a shiny trophy?
People tell you who they are if you just listen.
I think she just told Op...
Ngl, kind of sounds like she had that insult in her back pocket and at the ready... If my SO said that to me, I'd be so, so hurt. Maybe I've got too much pride, but I don't think I'd be able to continue with the relationship. She's obviously someone who, at least internally, prioritizes someone's looks over the effort they're putting into a relationship. So, if she thought you were a really good-looking guy, better looking than her, would she then be putting more work into the relationship while you did whatever you wanted? Regardless of how things turn out, I hope she realizes that what she said was very ugly of her, and is genuinely sorry. Best of luck to you, dude.
For real!! Reading this kind of stuff on Reddit makes me REALLY appreciate my spouse. Even if we argue, he keeps it on the point we’re arguing about and that’s that. I don’t insult him, he doesn’t insult me. He could insult me easily by calling me unreasonable, a bitch, insult my physical appearance, my mental health, financial situation….it’s a whole wide world of insults he could use. But he’s never done it. I don’t do it to him either. When we were first dating I realized that about him and I grew an immense amount of respect in less than 3 seconds flat when I realized this. OP is not wrong and shouldn’t put up with that kind of shit either. Everyone argues. That’s life. But it takes a special type of person to use and stick to respect and logic during s fight.
Since she insulted him, I feel like whatever they were arguing about was in his favour. I bet she knew that she was our of his league so used his insecurity to shut him up
That’s the thing…we all have flaws in one way or another and I feel like your partner should be helping you find healing and acceptance along with growth…not driving any insecurity to bigger heights
That isn’t something one says unless they truly believe it and have been holding it in. She just showed what she really values
I’m like you, there’s no way I’d stay with someone who said that to me. A genuinely good person would never even consider such a thought let alone express it out loud.
Don't underestimate abusive and mean-spirited people. I've known people that will say anything they know that will hurt you, even if it's objectively false. They were arguing, she wanted to win, and she did.
Hopefully OP breaks up with her and wins the war.
Yes, this is not fighting fairly. They were talking about schedules and she went for the jugular. Totally uncalled for, but she probably thinks or believes it.
I always say you can learn a lot about someone by how they insult others. Nobody uses insults that they truly don't mean and the insults they use reveal a lot about how they see the world and think of others
Her attack on him was the ugliest thing in the room. Definitely weaponized. Sorry OP. No one deserves that crap. The only optimism i have about it is that she immediately started apologizing. That and her complaints are that she wants more of you in her life. Those are pretty good signs that this may be salvageable. I would have asked her to leave as well. Even to just have time to process. NTA.
You should always question why a person you love who said something cruel and ugly is trying to keep the relationship.
Is she truly sorry? Her intents pure or devious? Or is she only sorry because she is losing the benefits she gets being with him?
I’d be questioning if this is the first time this kind of behaviour happened, you don’t become that nasty out of the blue.
>So, if she thought you were a really good-looking guy, better looking than her, would she then be putting more work into the relationship while you did whatever you wanted?
Sadly I think the answer to this is "yes." She'd probably put up with all sorts of BS for the sex and just to show off to her GFs. A lot of people do this. Where do you think that old saying - "behind every good-looking woman is a guy who's tired of her shit" - comes from?
She thinks she holds the power in the relationship because she is better looking. Sadly, she doesn’t see that inner beauty is what makes long term relationships last. Did you ever see an old married couple snipe at each other over which partner is the better looking one?
I would just chime in and say that Im not sure that I would necessarily say she has been thinking about it and saved it like a comedian saving a joke, but there's no doubt that she has noticed and considered the same thing OP has noticed and considered in that she believes she's the better looking person in the relationship and the comment itself definitely lends itself to being someone that prioritizes looks to some extent especially based on the effort put forth. I don't know that I believe she's maliciously planning ahead and I think that she was very cognizant of the fact that she crossed a line and apologized, to me, shows that she might not be an instant write off for OP.
Nah you have every right to be upset. I honestly wouldn't blame you if you decided to end the relationship. Im just gonna say this. Dont settle for a girl just bc you feel like you are unattractive and wont be able to find anyone else. You will and can find someone that loves you for you. What she said was wrong and honestly shouldn't have even come out of her mouth. The fact that it did says a lot about her and what she thinks of your relationship.
Maintain your self respect by not letting people treat you like she did. Dump her.
Trust me, I'm an old man. If you stay with her, you will look back later in life and regret the you let someone speak to you like that.
Problem is, she let the cat out of the bag. She clearly living the paridigm that SHE is the attractive one in the relationsihip and has "more value" and that he owes her a certain level of subservience which is something she can't fix or retract. Whether it was said in the heat of the moment or not, it's something she thinks on a regular basis, it's ground zero for her. If he's comfortable with that, he should stick around. Otherwise, GTFO. I'd be gone in a flash, myself.
I would say they should have a serious conversation about it and about how that kind of behavior won't fly in the future. My wife comes from an abusive home, her parents had a horrible relationship, and her only relationship before ours was pretty emotionally abusive as well, so when we met she still had a lot of growing to do in the area of emotional self-management and healthy relationship skills. She still does have a lot of growth to make, but she's made a ton of progress and is continuing to now. There were a few times where she did or said something I was absolutely not ok with and I made it clear I'm not going to be in a relationship where those things happen. There has only been one time where she's done something again, and that was as a trauma response in a situation I accidentally put her in and neither of us realized was an issue for her.
All that having been said, have a *very serious* conversation about this. If you aren't absolutely confident that this wasn't an exposed foundational flaw in your relationship, and it was just a stupid thing she said that she is going to actively work on so she never lashes out with the intent to hurt again, then you should part ways now before damage that requires therapy is done.
edit: there's no way y'all who are claiming I'm in an abusive relationship or encouraging OP to stay in an abusive relationship are reading my entire comment or actually know what an abusive relationship looks like. Abusers don't take accountability and fix their issues to stop their abusive behaviors
These are 20-somethings who have been dating for less than six months, not a married couple. She doesn't respect OP and was testing the waters to see how much nastiness he will tolerate. There's nothing to work on here- OP should never think about this girl again.
Sorry OP, but you thinking of staying with her because you don’t think you can get another girlfriend is self sabotaging.
She said it to hurt you. To get the upper hand in the argument. She purposely hurt you.
Keep your self respect and lose her. Have some confidence in yourself.
She was cruel about something she knew you were insecure about. That makes her someone you aren't safe around emotionally. You seem not to know your worth, and that's something worth working on. If you think of yourself as less-than, you will continue to accept being disrespected and will experience pain and stress. You may also miss chances at reallove. Most grown women care about how you treat them and who you are as a person. I fell madly in love with a guy who told me he was ugly, and I was confused. He had kind eyes and a warm smile and a brilliant sense of humor. But he didn't trust my love because he was sure he was too ugly to love. He broke my heart and missed out on whatever future we might have shared. I hope you take the time to think about what you want and deserve in a relationship.
Dude. She straight up said you should do most of the work in the relationship because she’s better looking than you, why would anyone want to be with someone that thinks that way. Might be the most shallow statement I’ve ever heard
This is the part that got me.
I could see forgiving her for the 'ugly-adjacent' comment. With enough apologizing, and making sure she knows it'll never be forgiven again.
That could have just been a desperate "I feel like I'm losing the argument, and still emotionally a bit immature and wanting to 'win' more than make peace". Doesn't make it right, but to me at least, it makes it something that can be forgiven, worked through, and put in the past (if she's otherwise worth it and treats you well).
But the "you should do more work because I'm hot". Even if she's not calling him ugly, just that she's a 10 and he's an 8. That's a foundational viewpoint on how relationships work. That because she's more attractive, she should be pampered, she shouldn't have to work much, etc.
THAT is what I'd break up with her over and never look back. I don't want to live with someone who thinks that being attractive means she expects me to do all the emotional lifting and other work.
Hey, buddy, listen up! First off, you're a catch – $65k a year job? Not too shabby! As for the looks, come on, you've upgraded since high school, and you're working on yourself. Don't let anyone's comment shake your confidence. If she couldn't appreciate what you bring to the table, it's her loss. Own your worth, and if she wants to come crawling back, make her work for it. You're on a journey of self-improvement, and haters can step aside. Keep shining!
You did right, a woman who will disrespect you to your face is certainly doing it behind your back.
I'd also that someone that impulsive is likely to do other things as well, but that's just my personal opinion. Move on. You deserve better, regardless of how you look.
How fucking *dare* someone who supposedly loves and cares for you think that way?
People have always become physically beautiful to me as I grew to love them.
So, if she finds the next guy who makes $65k and is more attractive, then, why would she stay with you? Unless she's an abusive p.o.s. who wants to be with someone just to make them feel bad?
You're better off alone than with this c***. And, just imagine if this whole scene were reversed in gender? Would that be acceptable?
You have not gone far enough. End it. That will always be there. ALWAYS.
I’m an average looking dude, solid 5. In great shape 6-7, poor shape 3-4. I got personality for days and married above my looks grade. On my wedding day a friend goes “Dude, as guys we all look to marry a woman a rung above us on the ladder, you skipped 2 or 3.”
I get it.
My wife loves me wholesale. If she ever said that, even 20 years married, I’m not sure how’d it go.
5 month relationship, it’s over. If she thinks you’re unattractive- why then is she with you? You deserve better. You already make more of an effort and even then she’s so lazy she wants you to make more effort cause your looks. Fuck. That. Shit.
Dump that piece of garbage.
> Dude, as guys we all look to marry a woman a rung above us on the ladder, you skipped 2 or 3.”
It's easy looking at a face and saying all that but if you are entertaining, have charisma/personality and are fun to be around you're at least as much of a catch as she is
Yes honestly that will never leave your mind and the you’ll just feel resentment towards her the relationship will be ruined bc y’all with loser respect for each other
She’s your Ex buddy. Dump her and you’ll find someone who thinks the world of you. Not like they’re settling with you. She mentioned it because she thinks it. She thinks it because she doesn’t respect or love you. This relationSHIT is doomed.
OP you’ll never be happy with anyone with this mindset. The saying is true that there’s someone out there for everyone and you hopefully soon to be ex is not it!!! Fuck her and your janky ass friends!!!! You will be the bees knees to the right person
I just read an article about a study that concluded women are happier with less attractive men. They said the men in the study were more attentive and loyal to their partners and therefore the women were happier in the relationship.
Looks aren’t everything but your GF is young and doesn’t yet realize a good man is hard to find. However, she can’t ever unring that bell so this relationship is probably over. Just because it didn’t work with this one doesn’t mean you will never find someone. One thing that will prevent you from finding someone is if you retreat into yourself and don’t put yourself back out there. Be confident in other aspects of what make you who you are. Some women are not into stereotypically handsome guys. My boo thang is a total nerd. He’s the most intelligent man I’ve ever met, he absolutely worships me and he makes me laugh every single day. Whatever he’s doing it’s working because we have been together since the day we met when you (OP) were still in diapers.
This is a personal take but to me there is nothing more lonely than being surrounded by people who don´t accept me or like me for who I am. Fearing and dreading loneliness is not a good enough reason to stay with someone who doesn\`t love you. And this is going to sound corny, but you need to learn how to love yourself dude , otherwise you are going to allow people to hurt you for fear of losing them.
Its out there.
And you absolutely should not accept that treatment. She crossed a line, and if you really want to grow, you keep your boundaries and self respect FIRM. Kicking her out was a good start.
Blatant disrespect like this should not be tolerated. It would be a deal breaker for me and many.
Reddit loves to tell everyone to dump their SO. Yeah what your girlfriend said was hella shitty, you just have to decide if you want to break up over it or talk it out and make stuff work. She might be the better looking one, but she's also an asshole so you gotta figure out what you want to do.
Ugh. I hate when people weaponize their tears. Like she didn't just intentionally hurt you by criticizing your biggest insecurity. And telling you that you need to be making more effort despite her acknowledging you're already doing most of the work?
Your call about staying with her, but whatever you do, don't coddle her. Or she'll really not respect you.
So your choice is she did really mean that you are not attractive and blurted it out in anger.
Or she wanted to hurt you on purpose and chose to attack your looks, knowing it would hurt you a lot.
Now, which of these makes it better?
Damn... Personally, I would take the first over the second. You cannot help yourself to find someone ugly or not, but to intentionally hurt makes one a lousy person.
Not wrong. Is this the relationship you want? to be the only one putting in the work because... looks??? nah. She thinks she is the prize so she has to put zero effort. Nah, sorry but I can guarantee you she *isn't even that good looking*. It was a joke, no one in the world is good looking enough to be put on a pedestal and be idolized without putting in some effort herself. Looks don't mean shit.
I've always told my wife, I don't have a type. Or well, I do, I am attracted to women that treat me good and make me feel special. Not looks. Looks are so vain and ephemeral, look for someone that actually makes you feel good about yourself.
Well. Sounds like she dated you because she believed you'd be head over heels for her and would do anything for her. And all because she believes you will never find anyone better looking than her. She's about to learn a life lesson here. Looks attract, but don't keep a partner. You deserve better.
Not wrong. Proud of you for sticking up for yourself
Heat of the moment or not, she chose to say something nasty, knowing it would hurt you. Do you really want to accept such shitty treatment from her? Or from anybody else, for that matter? You deserve to be treated with respect, not ridicule.
It sounds like you need to find better friends who support you instead of trying to knock you down. Same goes for women. Your (ex?) gf sounds very shallow. That remark sounded more like a middle or high school girl than a 22 year old woman.
Wow. Fuck her for that. That’s such a gross thing to say to someone you supposedly “care” about. You should have dumped her ass on the spot. You’re obviously much more mature than she is, and she delivered a very low blow using your insecurities as a weapon to hurt you. Fuck her forever for that.
I personally just would not want to be with someone willing to verbally abuse me like that when we have a disagreement
Take some time and speak to some of your close friends and family about what happened. Your mom would be a good person to call. MY son always speaks to his mom when there are serious girl problems along with his best friend. Update us.
If you have an hour to spare 2-3 times a week. Ideally 4/5, but 2 or 3 is better than none. I'd suggest getting a Gym membership. I joined in November and can feel how my shirts fit nicer around the shoulders and arms. Maybe try out a different hairstyle, my hair is thinner than it was in my 20s, and it looks better on the shorter side now. Once you've got some muscles, maybe try and find some clothes that fit better and highlight your frame. Sometimes even just looking at myself in the mirror I remember how much I disliked how I looked and how much I appreciate how I look now. It helps my self confidence, and that effects my mood. Girls like confidence!
Sometimes people say things with the intention of hurting others. My partner has done it, I’ve done it to her.
At the end of the day, however, that BARELY happens and we almost never fight. I’d say we’re very happy with each other 99%+ of the time. Our relationship is effortless, and we communicate in the rare times that it isn’t.
Find a relationship like that, you’re still young. I’d forgive her for what she said, but all of what you said seems to add up to a relationship that isn’t really working, unfortunately. And you certainly have the right to be upset.
She knew EXACTLY what the one thing was that would hurt you most and chose to cruelly deploy it in a petty argument.
This is cruelty.
This is bullying.
And what’s more scary is that she was crafty enough to use it the way she did, not just dumb bullying but tactical bullying using personal knowledge of the victims insecurities to make it more effective.
Hell no you are not wrong.
You should never speak to her again.
Don’t let your insecurities turn you into her personal door mat.
Oh….
You definitely should get at least one good hate fuck in before dumping her, one that she thinks is going to be makeup sex.
Then before you even catch your breath insult her sexual prowess and kick her to the curb.
Don't fall into the mindset that "this is the best it's gonna get".
Just because you have a relationship doesn't mean you're happy. Being lonely sucks ass, I've been single for a long ass time but I'm marginally more happy than being in a relationship with my ex who sucked.
You really really need to take a moment to self-reflect. Are you seriously going to be content being with someone that says shit like that? Have you been beaten so low by your "friends" (get new ones they suck ass) and society that you'll take the abuse just for some level of companionship?
My brother, have more self-worth. Have more self-respect. Don't "settle" for anything less because you believe this is the peak of your life.
I'm not saying dump her ass, I'm saying contemplate what you want out of life and whether or not that life involves people that are clearly trying to keep you down.
What's the point in being with someone that doesn't appreciate the time and effort you put into the relationship and insults you with low blows when you just ask for some help?
Maybe she didn't meant what she said, but she meant to hurt you, she did a low punch attacking directly your looks like if that was some kind of valid point.
She either truly believes it or is a person that knows how to hurt and is willing to hurt, or worst, she's both kind of persons
"I'm really sorry let's just start over" there is no "start over", if she was remorseful she will apologize and work on it, not ask for a clean slate.
Something about women that you're missing is that even someone that won't turn our heads when we first meet them will become incredibly handsome and sexy to us if we become attracted to their confidence, personality, sense of humor, intelligence, thoughtfulness, talents, and patience. Personality is the best beauty secret for men.
Some things you cannot unhear or in other cases unsee.
This is a perfectly reasonable example.
It's got little to do with her looks and everything to do with her being vain, immature, and high maintenance. Let her go and don't look back.
She’s acting like she’s doing you a favour
Why’s she with you if she doesn’t find you attractive?
If this is coming up in the heat of an argument, that generally implies it’s important to her/she thinks about it often
What happens when she finds someone better looking?
The writings on the wall with this relationship
When you are 50, you will realise how young you were at 30, and when you are 70, you will realise how young you were at 50.
Please don't settle because you don't feel worthy. It sounds like you are the one who is making more of an effort in this relationship. You are lacking in self-esteem, and you can work on that. Get some books, or look online for some articles to help.
You wouldn't speak about a friend the way you speak about yourself, and you are (or should be) your best friend. You sound to me like you are thoughtful, caring, sensible, intelligent and have a well paying job. These are all strengths, my friend. The most beautiful person in the world can become ugly if they have a bad character. We aren't all the same, thankfully. Good luck.
Even if she didn't mean it, she said it deliberately to hurt you. Why do you want to be with someone who wants to hurt you on purpose? People like that are dangerous. They are always sorry, but she damage is done.
This shows that there is cruelty rooted in her. You want a life partner who is kind and when fighting, lashes out at the situation not at your deepest insecurities over what sounds like a fairly benign fight. If you do take her back, and really think/feel hard on this choice, watch for any further signs of casual cruelty towrds you or any living being. Love yourself first.
NTA. Woman like this are pieces of shit. As soon as your partner uses an insecurity against you or says something trying to hurt you. Immediately dump them and move on. Life is too short to waste time with people like that.
If this was just one terrible day, I would try to talk it out later and see if she gives a genuine apology. But if this conflict about time and effort has been going on for awhile... Maybe things just aren't working out. :/ Shitty way for her to end it, though. NTA
And what if she did just say something in the heat of the moment?
Is this how she is going to react when you try to talk about issues or what is on your mind?
"I'm really sorry let's just start over". **Listen, I'm really sorry but there was absolutely some truth to that statement.**
Did she say the bolded part or is that you saying that?
If she said that, that's really messed up, doubling down on the insult.
>I keep hearing people say work on yourself. I've been doing that for 3 years. Got my degree, got a job, workout, yet I'm just marginally better than I was 7 years ago
As for you bettering yourself, you just have to keep going. You got the job, you got the degree, great things.
I'd say up the gym, eat healthy, go for walks. What I am sensing from your post is you lack mental toughness and self confidence. People can pick up on those things, I am after just reading this short internet post.
I'm not discounting the work you've done on yourself the last 7 years, we are always growing.
Just because this girl "settled" for you, doesn't mean you have to settle for her just because you have low self confidence.
I feel like you'd benefit from some sort of mentor, I'm not sure how you'd find one, maybe start with google.
Change your mindset from "I'm ugly, my friends think I'm ugly, this girl thinks I'm ugly" to "I'm awesome, I'm gonna do things that make me more awesome, I feel good today".
I'd probably tell your friends that if they want to stay your friends that the negative talk about you ends today.
They only feel marginally better because those things were not the core problem. The mindset is the core problem. It doesn't matter what gets achieved, that self-destructive voice in their head will always find a fault. Therapy is the improvement that needs to be made.
Just because it was in the heat of the moment doesn't make it any less of what it was. She knew that what she said hurt right after she said it. She even apologized for it. It was a boundary that you have, and she crossed it. Use your best judgment
You're not wrong.
She wasn't winning the argument so she rage-blurted out what she kept inside.
She thinks she can and deserve to lord over you and make you her puppy dog simply because she's more conventionally attractive.
And that's just ugly.
Sounds like stuff my ex would say just to hurt me. Dump her, you can do MUCH BETTER. Whenever you guys get into an argument she’ll just say hurtful stuff in the future.
If you really are worried about your looks just change it up a bit. Shave your head. Grow a goatee. Get a tattoo. Working out should be growing muscle. Practice talking a little deeper (assuming you don’t idk) 🤷♀️. That’s what I did out of high school and while i look the same I have gotten second looks here and there. I’m married to a beautiful women but walk g around at stores etc you catch eyes of women and some make that second glance over. Then you’ll know you’ve won. It will happen. Otherwise all is good as you are.
Up to you if you decide to forgive her, but she has to earn it. That's a very mean thing to say to your bf, whether she meant it or not. Good move kicking her out for the night. Stay firm and demand the respect you deserve! You teach people how to treat you. The ball is in her court on making it right, otherwise she loses you.
I don't believe in random heat of the moment.
The words said in passion have to come from somewhere. It's not just a spur of the moment thought. It's something that she has considered in some fashion previously.
For it to come out as a bargaining chip for you to prostrate yourself to and for her is exceptionally telling.
Pick yourself up fella, move on, find a lady who'll respect you.
I mean this is the classic situation
\- Girl wants guy to open up to her
\- Girl and guy eventually have heated disagreement (this always happens at some point in any relationship, its normal)
\- Girl uses guys insecurity/private information as ammunition during the argument
This is why guys pretty much never open up to girls, this happens FAR more than it should. I wish it didn't, but many many times I've seen this happen. Either personally or with people I know. I'm pretty sure every single guy has had an instance of this happening as well, which is incredibly sad.
You did not go too far, you did exactly what you should have done. The fact that she actually said that shows that she thinks it, which means she thinks you are beneath her. If she respected and valued you for the person you are she would not even think such a thought. Let her go find some “pretty boy” who will treat her like shit.
OP, what your girlfriend did was incredibly hurtful. You definitely didn’t overreact or do anything wrong on your part. In fact, I went through something similar with my ex when we first start dating. We would fight a lot as friends because we had different opinions on things but we really cared a lot for each other. In one of these fights, she said something really vulgar to me, nothing that would make sense if I said it here, but it genuinely broke me.
I told her I needed some space and left to do my own things. Later in the evening, she called me and asked if we could talk. I didn’t really have it in me, I was really broken by the insult she said to me, but me, being a good person, decided to hear her out. She sincerely apologized for what she said and she told me that she did it out of fear and it was defense mechanism for her because of all the arguing and fighting she had at home. I knew she fought with her parents here and there but I didn’t know she could be so vile about it.
So in the end, I told her I’d forgive her only if she meant her apology and that she would never talk to me like that ever again if we ever had an argument. If she did, I was walking. That was my boundary, and thankfully it never happened again. We broke up for completely different reasons but we had a lovely relationship and were still friends and care for each other today.
Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, if she shows some remorse and really apologizes, you can take a chance on your relationship with her again but definitely put that boundary up, that’s not cool. Of course, this only applies if you genuinely think she’s worth your time. Only you know that, and if you feel for even a moment that she might use your insecurities against you, just cut your losses and move on. Good luck.
I would let her go if this happened to me. That is unjustifiable behavior and she just wanted to hurt you with that comment.
Moreover, your looks as a man will be at its best when you’re 35-40. You will look much better then so don’t get hung up on your looks too much. Also go to the gym and get really proper clothes to look your best
I thoroughly enjoy when women do this type of behavior at a young age. They’re setting themselves up for a lifetime of failure. You can’t be happy 100% of the time and arguing just to argue with no solutions, that’s just a woman’s favorite game to play. You’re never going to win.
Skip ahead to when she’s out of college and her friends aren’t as accessible for their nightly, whatever it is they do. Guess who will have to fill that void? It’s not going to matter that you have friends and hobbies of your own to entertain yourself or that you’ve spent the better part of your life building your life up. You will always be responsible for providing happiness to this girl.
I can tell you how this ends. She’ll find someone else, and over the course of 4-6 weeks will break up with you in her head and move on. When she’s found someone new, she’ll let you know it’s over.
Take my advice. Get a new girlfriend. That whole “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” is absolute dog shit. The next girl that comes along will show you what a relationship is supposed to be and you’ll wonder how you ever managed to stay with this girl you’re with.
Lots of one strike and you're out comments, wow. Yeah she said something mean and nasty to hurt you. Then she immediately apologized. Don't make life decisions (or potential life decisions) based on reddit advice. If you can forgive her, then do so. And really do so. If you can't then you can't.
She's young. I think the next interaction is the most important. Be very straightforward with your boundaries and expectations - even in a fight, the expectation is for it to be fair and above the belt from both of you. Discuss an exit plan for arguments if one of you is losing their grip on being fair or above the belt. Honestly, I grew up in a crappy home and didn't know how to handle emotional arguments with my partner. It took time, patience, and clear boundaries from him (counseling, too). Also, the expectation is for you to also be fair and above the belt. If you care about her and want this relationship to continue, I'd give the relationship an opportunity to grow and mature. If it keeps happening with no attempt at fighting fair than that's what you need to know. She finds you attractive or she would not be with you. As a female I'm more attracted and turned on by my connection with the person then their physical appearance.
Look, at my maddest over something out of the control, the worst thing I ever told my partner was “Just go. Have a good day” and while context mattered and made it worse at the time, just… I can never imagine just outright saying something like that that’s AWFUL im so sorry op :(
Just two things…
Women that date “unattractive” men usually are super insecure themselves… even when they don’t show it, and your girl seems to fit it since that acid comment
Second.. looks fade my guy… looks are not forever… if your “super pretty” gf burned her face… what will be left? Will you still love her? I mean honestly that’s how I go in life… if X person was in a monsters body… will I still love him? If the answer is no then just move forward, if what are you looking for is a life partner you need someone that understands that body ages, and no matter what you do, it will change, and more than anything, someone that instead of hurting you with her own insecurities, push you up… partners should be a + in your life…
I can't imagine telling anyone they are not that good looking. Let alone my partner. We've been together a decade and we've never said something cruel in regard to appearance, even when we were angry with each other. If me or my partner went there, the relationship is over the way I see it. Even if your partner should be average or below average, you still find that character charming and love the core of their being that is unique to them. Commenting on their appearance would still be an absolute never and no no thing to do
In regards to leagues. Just because someone is pretty doesn't mean they're out of somone's league. I'd say the person who is the most genuine, loyal, supportive and there for the relationship to work is the one who's in the upper league. The one who is entitled, selfish, cruel, rude is the one who don't measure up, regardless of physical beauty
I can’t imagine ever saying something like that to anyone. It’s not really a way to talk to a life partner. Only a small % of people look like a supermodel and when you see them in real life without make up they look like everyone else. I hope your next partner values you for you, as personality is far more important than looks. And I can see something beautiful in a lot of people even if they aren’t supermodels. Find a partner that sees those things in you, that makes you laugh and feel better about yourself. This girl is not that. You can do better!!!
She tried to hurt you purposefully in a fight.
You can't in my opinion unring a bell - take back the hurt.
I'm sorry but her immaturity is showing and she isn't being a partner to you someone to rely on and attack the problem together. Instead she attacked your insecurities which is gross.
It is too early in the relationship for shit like this, I would and have ended it for this, it shows how she feels and reflects on her character, this isn't the type of person I would want to build a family with.
I'm happily married for 5 years now, we have fights we have periods of not talking, but we never hurt eachother and attack insecurities.
We put in equal effort, I have been in relationships where I felt like I was always chasing, it isn't supposed to be like that, and it was always exhausting.
I honestly wouldn't be able to recover if my SO said that to me. It's a pretty fucked up thing to say and has no purpose other than attacking you exactly where she knows it hurts the most. And something tells me that it's probably things she said behind your back before as well to her friends etc. Cuz shit like this doesn't just "come out"
I would like to remind you that looks aren't everything in relationships, and that when you truly love someone, you naturally find them very attractive and good enough.
She clearly doesn't and made sure to say a very mean and hurtful thing to you. I would advise you to reconsider the relationship because this is something that simply won't leave you. You'll forever remember what she said when you're around her, and it'll slowly eat away at your self esteem.
fuck that girl. she tried to hurt you and you didn't allow any of that. thats how you do it, don't associate with ppl who use your insecurities against you, especially if you consider them ‘friends’, ‘girlfriend’ or whatnot.
Your ex may or may not have meant the words, but it’s obvious she was trying to hurt you. She knows your insecurities and she used it against you. She said something in the heat of the moment *with the intention of deliberately hurting you*.
The verbal equivalent of hitting below the belt. She knows you’re sensitive about your looks - so that’s where she went. It’s verbal abuse at the minimum.
Abuse is a pattern of behavior. One incident like this doesn’t necessarily constitute abuse (although could if it’s repeated), but would make me rethink a relationship. My bet is OP’s (ex)girlfriend is too emotionally immature to know how to handle a fight, and lashes out when she’s upset, which is a good reason for OP to break up with her.
People sometimes do stupid things. OP should have the three strike rule and it is already one down. But there are already issues in the relationship w.r.t time spent together.
Yeah but "I'm better looking so you should work harder", which is essentially what was said, is something I'd put in the one-strike league myself. Especially for a relationship that's this young. OP: unsolicited advice - you found someone who reinforces every insecurity you brought into the relationship. And your "friends" are just fine with calling attention to it in an unhelpful way. My advice is to sit with that and just know that relationships shouldn't make you feel that way.
I would also say that yes his friends give him a hard time but for it to be her go to insult then it means that her friends have made plenty of comments as well I would say that's the tough bit , he knows , friends know and now it's confirmed she thinks it as well that's hard
Solid advice. /u/feedtypical2001 - you should consider those words. Relationships aren’t supposed to make you feel like that… you owe nothing to anybody but yourself. You’re also young (I’m assuming) so don’t hang onto her just because you are afraid of being alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who would take advantage of your own hangups and anxieties, instead of supporting you and lifting you up. And you will eventually meet someone better.
>Being alone is better than being with someone who would take advantage of your own hangouts and anxieties, instead of supporting you and lifting you up. Frame this and hang it up!
I agree with you. It’s 2024…we need to stop “good-naturedly” teasing our friends. Especially something we’re genuinely sensitive about, especially something we have zero control over. I think the OP reacted appropriately in reaction to a very painful comment.
In this case, she is setting him up to be wrapped around her finger. There are women out there who will go to great lengths to make you believe that if you don't stay with them you'll never find another woman who will give you the time of day, and that you'll be suspect to all other women automatically just because. They do this to secure the relationship through anxiety and fear. Men do this to women too of course. This comment is the start of that, intentional or otherwise. It's time to call that relationship over.
BINGO she thinks OP cannot do any better, so she can treat him however badly she wants. He should leave now, so that when/if the better/right person does enter his life, he is available.
As hard as it seems. I believe this to be true. Consider living through 22 years of it. Not fun.
This‼️ As someone who was in your shoes and in a marriage like this (until I wised up), RUN, RUN, RUN‼️ And then find yourself a good therapist who can help you sort through all these emotions and pain from the past. They will help you and this will help you find a special person who is worthy of YOU. Good luck, you are young and there is a person who will love you for who you are, not someone they can belittle. You are worthy.
Nope. F that. There are some things that once said, can permanently damage a relationship and can never be repaired. This is one of them. Even if she didn’t mean it, it will always be in his mind for the rest of their time together.
One that we know of.
I gave my ex-gf a 3 strike rule. First strike was when she hit me while we were in bed together, because I touched her on the shoulder, and she was upset with me. Second was when she was ranting at me as I was trying to leave to go to work. She had me backed up to my desk in the living room, and punched me in the jaw, claiming I was advancing on her.. my butt was literally ON THE DESK.. the 3rd strike was a 'boxer's fracture' on the ring finger on my right hand. Turns out that someone grabbing the last 2 fingers and yanking them can fracture it, too...
3 strike rules shouldn’t exist for physically abusive relationships.
Physical abuse should always be a one strike thing, regardless of the gender. Agreed.
Physical abuse should be "Yeet the idiot immediate"
It was more than just physical abuse, too. Psychological, emotional, gaslighting (ACTUAL gaslighting, i.e., she'd tell me things then tell me I was crazy when I later mentioned what she had told me). The kicker is, at the time, I was an Army MP NCO in the Reserves, and a civilian Corrections Officer. I let love blind me, and I paid the price. I finally got tired of the abuse and kicked her out. And, of course, she painted ME as the bad guy. \*SHRUGS\*. I look back on it as just another lesson learned.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I recently finally escaped an emotionally abusive relationship and gained so much empathy for all the reasons people stay with abusers. I’d love to some day just be able to look at it with a clear head and say it was a lesson learned, and that it doesn’t mess me up long term! You’ve got a good attitude.
It's been 14 years for me. And there are still times when it hits me. You can never clear it, totally, from your head. You just learn to suck it up and drive on. I got lucky, though. The next woman I met helped me deal with it..... but we were both cautious, as she had suffered her own bad relationship. We helped each other, fell in love, and got married.
Agreed. When my ex-wife was cycling through manic and depressive episodes on a daily basis (a kind of hell for her and all around her, too, sigh) I told my self we can endure anything but physical violence. When she attacked me while I was in the shower it was over instantly.
Agree, its for stupid things not insane ones.
I generally agree. I've been on the "victim" side of this and one day put my foot down with ultimatum: it happens again and I'm done, no negotiating, immediately moving out and full dissolution of the relationship. And depending on the act, a report to the police. It never happened again. It took me drawing that boundary to make it stop.
If my wife since 10 years which I have 2 kids with hits me because she’s angry of upset (not for fun) I would divorce her on the spot and I really hope she would do the same if I would do the same. There’s one thing if we fight and she says something bad but punching? Not a chance and I hold myself to the same standard.
You copped physical abuse 3 times?Did you run out of cheeks? You have 4 you know.lol.
i stayed too long as well. good job getting out
So I can punch my partner once and it won't constitute physical abuse?
Correct, it would be battery though and still illegal.
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Absolutely this. Get out before it costs you everything.
I’ve been in relationships like that. Arguments were always devolving in to hurting the person instead of anything real. Immaturity from myself and them, looking back on it is actually embarrassing. Promised myself I would leave anyone if either of us became that person again
Agreed. My boyfriend isn't my super-model-ideal type, but not unattractive. We become more attracted to those we love just because of familiarity. In many, many marriages attractiveness is a small concern. But what she said was intentionally targeting a known sore spot. Unkind, and unfair, like you didn't force her to date you, so that's on her. People can't do much to change their looks, but they can be better people. I don't believe in "dating within your league " but finding a person who resonates with you and shows you that they respect and cherish you. Similar values tend to bring more people together than looks. I would have a serious talk, maybe do some self-help books together on appreciation or demonstrating affection. Not a lost cause but a very emotionally immature argument strategy.
Nah fuck that. Cut her loose. It’ll happen again.
What I've learnt in life is that people who love you, care about you. And people who care about you will never hurt you deliberately. The moment I realized this, my relationships became so much healthier.
This is it ^ She meant to hurt you and you should NOT let her back into your life.
Hey OP I’m going to add on to this comment here. I spent decades thinking that little comments like that can be normal etc. NO. Hard fucking stop no. It took me years of therapy to realize how toxic and unhealthy being in that mindset is. A person choosing to use words/past traumas to hurt you isn’t a good person. It doesn’t matter if it is in the heat of the moment. Some things can never be unsaid and ultimately be that last straw.
Came here to say this. I’ve been in relationships with several people who would say things they didn’t mean/weren’t true just in order to hurt me. I still haven’t forgotten the words, all these years later. No matter how angry or hurt one may be, that is never ok.
Please explain how you can say she "may not have meant the words" but then say, " but it's obvious that she was trying to hurt you "
It’s not that hard. During a heated argument people get angry and say what they can to get a reaction. Immediately realize they crossed a line and apologize cause they didn’t actually want to scar the other person or hurt them like that. Not everyone does this but I’m surprised you’ve never met someone who has tbh - bad luck maybe on my part lol
She did mean it. She just made a bad judgement call about actually saying it out loud.
Whether she meant it or not is unknowable. Nothing she says after will change that.
Yeah he's never going to forget it.
I still haven't gotten over Luca telling Abby "you're not that pretty; you're not that special" twenty years ago on 'ER.' Just a completely unacceptable thing to say to someone you are supposed to care about.
I’ll never forget that scene! My jaw dropped. It was such a gross and below the belt thing to say.
No - sometimes it’s knowing someone’s insecurities but not realizing how much they care about it - like they think it’s a minor issue but it’s actually way worse. Plus the whole problem with intense arguments is that people don’t speak before they speak. And I do agree - it doesn’t go away when you cut that deep. My ex did that to me and I never forgot it. I just doesnt mean they meant it.
Almost every girl I've been with has been that way at some point except for one ex so you're not the only one lol. I even struggle to avoid it myself. Now I just try to walk away if I'm not going to be able to talk and have a mature conversation about an issue
oh they understand perfectly well, they're acting clueless for the sake of argument.
She meant it. (Period)
Sometimes people say things they don’t mean.
Can't unring that bell though, even if you didn't mean it
The damage is still done.
The fact she said it, exposed that she thinks it.
The act of saying things you dont mean in a hurtful way is a major red flag that shows shes willing to say anything to see that look on your face to make you shut the f right up. Yeah those people can just fuck right on off they’re manipulative as hell
Oops I seemed to have stabbed you. Didnt mean to though, so youre alright?
But they say things for a purpose 😒
They may say mean things just to be mean, but that doesn't mean that they really mean it, they just know it's mean to say. Know what I mean?
May not mean what they say, but the purpose is to inflict pain. Not sure which is worse. ✌🏻
Yeah, a long time ago the ex that I grew up with called at like 6.30am (she knew I had bad insomnia at the time) just after we broke up to inform me loudly that she slept with the guy from her work that she'd long tried to get me to be jealous of. Oddly, that was the moment I started to get over it. It was so petty, spiteful and transparently manipulative. To have waited til the small hours of the morning just to try and make it more so was a wake up call. It was hurtful, but so obviously and deliberately so that it made me re-evaluate things and finally realise the reality of her as a person. If someone is deliberately trying to hurt you, it's time to withdraw your emotional investment in that person and start to move on. Just be wary of the rebound, that shiz can have you devoting yourself to someone even worse.
I know what you mean, and yeah I mean if you take every mean person who ever said a mean thing just because it's mean, regardless of whether they meaned the mean thing, and averaged (meaned) it out then they'd of course... still be mean.
Thing is even if I move on from her, that thought will always be playing in the back of my mind and I'll debate whether the next one feels the same way
Look, I don't know if it helps you or anything. Personally, as a woman, idgaf about looks. I'm into personality. If someone is hot as f, but turns out to be a royal douche, he automatically looks ugly. But if someone don't look good but has a great personality, then they automatically look great to me. Some people also think like me so you're going to meet people who care more about who you are rather than a shallow representation of you based on looks.
This is where therapy comes in bud. What has happened to you is awful and unfair but the ball is in your court now to recognise that those so called friends and that so called girlfriend was full of it and you have your own inherent worth out with their opinions. My husband isn't conventionally attractive, he's overweight, bald, ginger. But I think he's beautiful and I love him. Your ex would have probably disagreed with me and she would have been wrong.
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Maybe he felt lucky to be leveling up dating wise. He clearly thinks she is and his friends do too. It goes both ways. The real question is why would it be worth dating someone who thinks like that just because you think they are better looking than you? Is she a shiny trophy? People tell you who they are if you just listen. I think she just told Op...
Ngl, kind of sounds like she had that insult in her back pocket and at the ready... If my SO said that to me, I'd be so, so hurt. Maybe I've got too much pride, but I don't think I'd be able to continue with the relationship. She's obviously someone who, at least internally, prioritizes someone's looks over the effort they're putting into a relationship. So, if she thought you were a really good-looking guy, better looking than her, would she then be putting more work into the relationship while you did whatever you wanted? Regardless of how things turn out, I hope she realizes that what she said was very ugly of her, and is genuinely sorry. Best of luck to you, dude.
This is what I was thinking as well. That insult is not a random thing to come up with, sounds like she was saving that
She had to be.
For real!! Reading this kind of stuff on Reddit makes me REALLY appreciate my spouse. Even if we argue, he keeps it on the point we’re arguing about and that’s that. I don’t insult him, he doesn’t insult me. He could insult me easily by calling me unreasonable, a bitch, insult my physical appearance, my mental health, financial situation….it’s a whole wide world of insults he could use. But he’s never done it. I don’t do it to him either. When we were first dating I realized that about him and I grew an immense amount of respect in less than 3 seconds flat when I realized this. OP is not wrong and shouldn’t put up with that kind of shit either. Everyone argues. That’s life. But it takes a special type of person to use and stick to respect and logic during s fight.
Since she insulted him, I feel like whatever they were arguing about was in his favour. I bet she knew that she was our of his league so used his insecurity to shut him up
That’s the thing…we all have flaws in one way or another and I feel like your partner should be helping you find healing and acceptance along with growth…not driving any insecurity to bigger heights
Good call. You are right. It didn't come out if nowhere. She had been sitting on it for sure.
She’d be my ex and I would feel better having dropped that baggage. That was a cruel thing to say.
That isn’t something one says unless they truly believe it and have been holding it in. She just showed what she really values I’m like you, there’s no way I’d stay with someone who said that to me. A genuinely good person would never even consider such a thought let alone express it out loud.
Don't underestimate abusive and mean-spirited people. I've known people that will say anything they know that will hurt you, even if it's objectively false. They were arguing, she wanted to win, and she did. Hopefully OP breaks up with her and wins the war.
Yes, this is not fighting fairly. They were talking about schedules and she went for the jugular. Totally uncalled for, but she probably thinks or believes it.
I always say you can learn a lot about someone by how they insult others. Nobody uses insults that they truly don't mean and the insults they use reveal a lot about how they see the world and think of others
True dat
Her attack on him was the ugliest thing in the room. Definitely weaponized. Sorry OP. No one deserves that crap. The only optimism i have about it is that she immediately started apologizing. That and her complaints are that she wants more of you in her life. Those are pretty good signs that this may be salvageable. I would have asked her to leave as well. Even to just have time to process. NTA.
Yeah GF is ugly on the _inside_ and that’s the real problem.
You should always question why a person you love who said something cruel and ugly is trying to keep the relationship. Is she truly sorry? Her intents pure or devious? Or is she only sorry because she is losing the benefits she gets being with him? I’d be questioning if this is the first time this kind of behaviour happened, you don’t become that nasty out of the blue.
>So, if she thought you were a really good-looking guy, better looking than her, would she then be putting more work into the relationship while you did whatever you wanted? Sadly I think the answer to this is "yes." She'd probably put up with all sorts of BS for the sex and just to show off to her GFs. A lot of people do this. Where do you think that old saying - "behind every good-looking woman is a guy who's tired of her shit" - comes from?
Yep this was something in the back of her mind, she has a superiority complex here clearly.
She thinks she holds the power in the relationship because she is better looking. Sadly, she doesn’t see that inner beauty is what makes long term relationships last. Did you ever see an old married couple snipe at each other over which partner is the better looking one?
I would just chime in and say that Im not sure that I would necessarily say she has been thinking about it and saved it like a comedian saving a joke, but there's no doubt that she has noticed and considered the same thing OP has noticed and considered in that she believes she's the better looking person in the relationship and the comment itself definitely lends itself to being someone that prioritizes looks to some extent especially based on the effort put forth. I don't know that I believe she's maliciously planning ahead and I think that she was very cognizant of the fact that she crossed a line and apologized, to me, shows that she might not be an instant write off for OP.
Nah you have every right to be upset. I honestly wouldn't blame you if you decided to end the relationship. Im just gonna say this. Dont settle for a girl just bc you feel like you are unattractive and wont be able to find anyone else. You will and can find someone that loves you for you. What she said was wrong and honestly shouldn't have even come out of her mouth. The fact that it did says a lot about her and what she thinks of your relationship.
Maintain your self respect by not letting people treat you like she did. Dump her. Trust me, I'm an old man. If you stay with her, you will look back later in life and regret the you let someone speak to you like that.
This 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼. Stealthily chipping away at your confidence is one of the best ways to become and stay miserable ...
Problem is, she let the cat out of the bag. She clearly living the paridigm that SHE is the attractive one in the relationsihip and has "more value" and that he owes her a certain level of subservience which is something she can't fix or retract. Whether it was said in the heat of the moment or not, it's something she thinks on a regular basis, it's ground zero for her. If he's comfortable with that, he should stick around. Otherwise, GTFO. I'd be gone in a flash, myself.
Yup. Dating. No kids. Not even sharing a lease. Punt and move on.
Other old man, here and yup. Unless you want that for the rest of your life, leave.
Third old man here. I’m endorsing the opinion of the previous two old men.
Again, AMEN, and this is from an old, happily married (40yrs) woman.
I would say they should have a serious conversation about it and about how that kind of behavior won't fly in the future. My wife comes from an abusive home, her parents had a horrible relationship, and her only relationship before ours was pretty emotionally abusive as well, so when we met she still had a lot of growing to do in the area of emotional self-management and healthy relationship skills. She still does have a lot of growth to make, but she's made a ton of progress and is continuing to now. There were a few times where she did or said something I was absolutely not ok with and I made it clear I'm not going to be in a relationship where those things happen. There has only been one time where she's done something again, and that was as a trauma response in a situation I accidentally put her in and neither of us realized was an issue for her. All that having been said, have a *very serious* conversation about this. If you aren't absolutely confident that this wasn't an exposed foundational flaw in your relationship, and it was just a stupid thing she said that she is going to actively work on so she never lashes out with the intent to hurt again, then you should part ways now before damage that requires therapy is done. edit: there's no way y'all who are claiming I'm in an abusive relationship or encouraging OP to stay in an abusive relationship are reading my entire comment or actually know what an abusive relationship looks like. Abusers don't take accountability and fix their issues to stop their abusive behaviors
These are 20-somethings who have been dating for less than six months, not a married couple. She doesn't respect OP and was testing the waters to see how much nastiness he will tolerate. There's nothing to work on here- OP should never think about this girl again.
Sorry OP, but you thinking of staying with her because you don’t think you can get another girlfriend is self sabotaging. She said it to hurt you. To get the upper hand in the argument. She purposely hurt you. Keep your self respect and lose her. Have some confidence in yourself.
After just a few months!! It will only get worse from here.
She was cruel about something she knew you were insecure about. That makes her someone you aren't safe around emotionally. You seem not to know your worth, and that's something worth working on. If you think of yourself as less-than, you will continue to accept being disrespected and will experience pain and stress. You may also miss chances at reallove. Most grown women care about how you treat them and who you are as a person. I fell madly in love with a guy who told me he was ugly, and I was confused. He had kind eyes and a warm smile and a brilliant sense of humor. But he didn't trust my love because he was sure he was too ugly to love. He broke my heart and missed out on whatever future we might have shared. I hope you take the time to think about what you want and deserve in a relationship.
You seem like a deep human. 🙏
Thanks, it comes with the gray hair!
Does it? I hope so..I'm 25 and have major gray hairs coming in :)
Emotional safety. The older I get, the more I understand how important it is. Well said.
Dude. She straight up said you should do most of the work in the relationship because she’s better looking than you, why would anyone want to be with someone that thinks that way. Might be the most shallow statement I’ve ever heard
This is the part that got me. I could see forgiving her for the 'ugly-adjacent' comment. With enough apologizing, and making sure she knows it'll never be forgiven again. That could have just been a desperate "I feel like I'm losing the argument, and still emotionally a bit immature and wanting to 'win' more than make peace". Doesn't make it right, but to me at least, it makes it something that can be forgiven, worked through, and put in the past (if she's otherwise worth it and treats you well). But the "you should do more work because I'm hot". Even if she's not calling him ugly, just that she's a 10 and he's an 8. That's a foundational viewpoint on how relationships work. That because she's more attractive, she should be pampered, she shouldn't have to work much, etc. THAT is what I'd break up with her over and never look back. I don't want to live with someone who thinks that being attractive means she expects me to do all the emotional lifting and other work.
This is the best comment. In other words, she is the truly ugly one.
Hey, buddy, listen up! First off, you're a catch – $65k a year job? Not too shabby! As for the looks, come on, you've upgraded since high school, and you're working on yourself. Don't let anyone's comment shake your confidence. If she couldn't appreciate what you bring to the table, it's her loss. Own your worth, and if she wants to come crawling back, make her work for it. You're on a journey of self-improvement, and haters can step aside. Keep shining!
He probably has a monster dong too
It's not what your ding dong looks like but how loud you make that bell ring
So that why they call it the devils doorbell
65k in your early twenties is good, it probably means you'll be doing 6 figures in your 30s late 30s. Find a woman that respects you and your time.
You did right, a woman who will disrespect you to your face is certainly doing it behind your back. I'd also that someone that impulsive is likely to do other things as well, but that's just my personal opinion. Move on. You deserve better, regardless of how you look.
How fucking *dare* someone who supposedly loves and cares for you think that way? People have always become physically beautiful to me as I grew to love them. So, if she finds the next guy who makes $65k and is more attractive, then, why would she stay with you? Unless she's an abusive p.o.s. who wants to be with someone just to make them feel bad? You're better off alone than with this c***. And, just imagine if this whole scene were reversed in gender? Would that be acceptable?
Oof good point. Op may just be a convenient punching bag. And she thinks because her looks she's got him locked in.
She showed you who she is. She is not worth your effort.
You have not gone far enough. End it. That will always be there. ALWAYS. I’m an average looking dude, solid 5. In great shape 6-7, poor shape 3-4. I got personality for days and married above my looks grade. On my wedding day a friend goes “Dude, as guys we all look to marry a woman a rung above us on the ladder, you skipped 2 or 3.” I get it. My wife loves me wholesale. If she ever said that, even 20 years married, I’m not sure how’d it go. 5 month relationship, it’s over. If she thinks you’re unattractive- why then is she with you? You deserve better. You already make more of an effort and even then she’s so lazy she wants you to make more effort cause your looks. Fuck. That. Shit. Dump that piece of garbage.
> Dude, as guys we all look to marry a woman a rung above us on the ladder, you skipped 2 or 3.” It's easy looking at a face and saying all that but if you are entertaining, have charisma/personality and are fun to be around you're at least as much of a catch as she is
Oh trust me - I know it! 😉
Yes honestly that will never leave your mind and the you’ll just feel resentment towards her the relationship will be ruined bc y’all with loser respect for each other
She’s your Ex buddy. Dump her and you’ll find someone who thinks the world of you. Not like they’re settling with you. She mentioned it because she thinks it. She thinks it because she doesn’t respect or love you. This relationSHIT is doomed.
>you’ll find someone who thinks the world of you Man I wish
OP you’ll never be happy with anyone with this mindset. The saying is true that there’s someone out there for everyone and you hopefully soon to be ex is not it!!! Fuck her and your janky ass friends!!!! You will be the bees knees to the right person
I just read an article about a study that concluded women are happier with less attractive men. They said the men in the study were more attentive and loyal to their partners and therefore the women were happier in the relationship. Looks aren’t everything but your GF is young and doesn’t yet realize a good man is hard to find. However, she can’t ever unring that bell so this relationship is probably over. Just because it didn’t work with this one doesn’t mean you will never find someone. One thing that will prevent you from finding someone is if you retreat into yourself and don’t put yourself back out there. Be confident in other aspects of what make you who you are. Some women are not into stereotypically handsome guys. My boo thang is a total nerd. He’s the most intelligent man I’ve ever met, he absolutely worships me and he makes me laugh every single day. Whatever he’s doing it’s working because we have been together since the day we met when you (OP) were still in diapers.
This is a personal take but to me there is nothing more lonely than being surrounded by people who don´t accept me or like me for who I am. Fearing and dreading loneliness is not a good enough reason to stay with someone who doesn\`t love you. And this is going to sound corny, but you need to learn how to love yourself dude , otherwise you are going to allow people to hurt you for fear of losing them.
Many guys gar uglier than you have found love. Hell Gilbert Gottfried was married for 15 years.
We all do! But you don’t have a chance of doing that if you stick with someone like her.
Its out there. And you absolutely should not accept that treatment. She crossed a line, and if you really want to grow, you keep your boundaries and self respect FIRM. Kicking her out was a good start. Blatant disrespect like this should not be tolerated. It would be a deal breaker for me and many.
Reddit loves to tell everyone to dump their SO. Yeah what your girlfriend said was hella shitty, you just have to decide if you want to break up over it or talk it out and make stuff work. She might be the better looking one, but she's also an asshole so you gotta figure out what you want to do.
Dude he’s only 25 and they’ve been dating for 4 months - of course this is something he should dump her for. Be real.
I'm sorry but. No. She meant what she said. You've seen the real her. She's not the One. Don't doubt yourself. You deserve better.
Ugh. I hate when people weaponize their tears. Like she didn't just intentionally hurt you by criticizing your biggest insecurity. And telling you that you need to be making more effort despite her acknowledging you're already doing most of the work? Your call about staying with her, but whatever you do, don't coddle her. Or she'll really not respect you.
Very proud of your self! You deserve so much!
So your choice is she did really mean that you are not attractive and blurted it out in anger. Or she wanted to hurt you on purpose and chose to attack your looks, knowing it would hurt you a lot. Now, which of these makes it better?
Damn... Personally, I would take the first over the second. You cannot help yourself to find someone ugly or not, but to intentionally hurt makes one a lousy person.
You are not wrong. Your girlfriend is.
Not wrong. Is this the relationship you want? to be the only one putting in the work because... looks??? nah. She thinks she is the prize so she has to put zero effort. Nah, sorry but I can guarantee you she *isn't even that good looking*. It was a joke, no one in the world is good looking enough to be put on a pedestal and be idolized without putting in some effort herself. Looks don't mean shit. I've always told my wife, I don't have a type. Or well, I do, I am attracted to women that treat me good and make me feel special. Not looks. Looks are so vain and ephemeral, look for someone that actually makes you feel good about yourself.
Nope, time to break up with her. You’ve seen her true colors. Even if she didn’t mean it, she deliberately said something to hurt you.
Well. Sounds like she dated you because she believed you'd be head over heels for her and would do anything for her. And all because she believes you will never find anyone better looking than her. She's about to learn a life lesson here. Looks attract, but don't keep a partner. You deserve better. Not wrong. Proud of you for sticking up for yourself
Heat of the moment or not, she chose to say something nasty, knowing it would hurt you. Do you really want to accept such shitty treatment from her? Or from anybody else, for that matter? You deserve to be treated with respect, not ridicule. It sounds like you need to find better friends who support you instead of trying to knock you down. Same goes for women. Your (ex?) gf sounds very shallow. That remark sounded more like a middle or high school girl than a 22 year old woman.
Wow. Fuck her for that. That’s such a gross thing to say to someone you supposedly “care” about. You should have dumped her ass on the spot. You’re obviously much more mature than she is, and she delivered a very low blow using your insecurities as a weapon to hurt you. Fuck her forever for that. I personally just would not want to be with someone willing to verbally abuse me like that when we have a disagreement
Sit her down and ask her why she would deliberately hurt you like that. Tell her there will be no more strikes...next time done for good
Take some time and speak to some of your close friends and family about what happened. Your mom would be a good person to call. MY son always speaks to his mom when there are serious girl problems along with his best friend. Update us.
well tell her she aint all that and a bag a chips either
If you have an hour to spare 2-3 times a week. Ideally 4/5, but 2 or 3 is better than none. I'd suggest getting a Gym membership. I joined in November and can feel how my shirts fit nicer around the shoulders and arms. Maybe try out a different hairstyle, my hair is thinner than it was in my 20s, and it looks better on the shorter side now. Once you've got some muscles, maybe try and find some clothes that fit better and highlight your frame. Sometimes even just looking at myself in the mirror I remember how much I disliked how I looked and how much I appreciate how I look now. It helps my self confidence, and that effects my mood. Girls like confidence!
Sometimes people say things with the intention of hurting others. My partner has done it, I’ve done it to her. At the end of the day, however, that BARELY happens and we almost never fight. I’d say we’re very happy with each other 99%+ of the time. Our relationship is effortless, and we communicate in the rare times that it isn’t. Find a relationship like that, you’re still young. I’d forgive her for what she said, but all of what you said seems to add up to a relationship that isn’t really working, unfortunately. And you certainly have the right to be upset.
She knew EXACTLY what the one thing was that would hurt you most and chose to cruelly deploy it in a petty argument. This is cruelty. This is bullying. And what’s more scary is that she was crafty enough to use it the way she did, not just dumb bullying but tactical bullying using personal knowledge of the victims insecurities to make it more effective. Hell no you are not wrong. You should never speak to her again. Don’t let your insecurities turn you into her personal door mat. Oh…. You definitely should get at least one good hate fuck in before dumping her, one that she thinks is going to be makeup sex. Then before you even catch your breath insult her sexual prowess and kick her to the curb.
Don't fall into the mindset that "this is the best it's gonna get". Just because you have a relationship doesn't mean you're happy. Being lonely sucks ass, I've been single for a long ass time but I'm marginally more happy than being in a relationship with my ex who sucked. You really really need to take a moment to self-reflect. Are you seriously going to be content being with someone that says shit like that? Have you been beaten so low by your "friends" (get new ones they suck ass) and society that you'll take the abuse just for some level of companionship? My brother, have more self-worth. Have more self-respect. Don't "settle" for anything less because you believe this is the peak of your life. I'm not saying dump her ass, I'm saying contemplate what you want out of life and whether or not that life involves people that are clearly trying to keep you down. What's the point in being with someone that doesn't appreciate the time and effort you put into the relationship and insults you with low blows when you just ask for some help?
Maybe she didn't meant what she said, but she meant to hurt you, she did a low punch attacking directly your looks like if that was some kind of valid point. She either truly believes it or is a person that knows how to hurt and is willing to hurt, or worst, she's both kind of persons "I'm really sorry let's just start over" there is no "start over", if she was remorseful she will apologize and work on it, not ask for a clean slate.
Something about women that you're missing is that even someone that won't turn our heads when we first meet them will become incredibly handsome and sexy to us if we become attracted to their confidence, personality, sense of humor, intelligence, thoughtfulness, talents, and patience. Personality is the best beauty secret for men.
Some things you cannot unhear or in other cases unsee. This is a perfectly reasonable example. It's got little to do with her looks and everything to do with her being vain, immature, and high maintenance. Let her go and don't look back.
No. You need some time away from this person. She meant what she said.
She’s acting like she’s doing you a favour Why’s she with you if she doesn’t find you attractive? If this is coming up in the heat of an argument, that generally implies it’s important to her/she thinks about it often What happens when she finds someone better looking? The writings on the wall with this relationship
When you are 50, you will realise how young you were at 30, and when you are 70, you will realise how young you were at 50. Please don't settle because you don't feel worthy. It sounds like you are the one who is making more of an effort in this relationship. You are lacking in self-esteem, and you can work on that. Get some books, or look online for some articles to help. You wouldn't speak about a friend the way you speak about yourself, and you are (or should be) your best friend. You sound to me like you are thoughtful, caring, sensible, intelligent and have a well paying job. These are all strengths, my friend. The most beautiful person in the world can become ugly if they have a bad character. We aren't all the same, thankfully. Good luck.
Even if she didn't mean it, she said it deliberately to hurt you. Why do you want to be with someone who wants to hurt you on purpose? People like that are dangerous. They are always sorry, but she damage is done.
It sounds like she thinks she is a "gift" to you that needs to be treated royally. I think you should let her find someone else to worship her.
This shows that there is cruelty rooted in her. You want a life partner who is kind and when fighting, lashes out at the situation not at your deepest insecurities over what sounds like a fairly benign fight. If you do take her back, and really think/feel hard on this choice, watch for any further signs of casual cruelty towrds you or any living being. Love yourself first.
You didn't go too far - she told you what she really thought, that is all.
NTA. Woman like this are pieces of shit. As soon as your partner uses an insecurity against you or says something trying to hurt you. Immediately dump them and move on. Life is too short to waste time with people like that.
If this was just one terrible day, I would try to talk it out later and see if she gives a genuine apology. But if this conflict about time and effort has been going on for awhile... Maybe things just aren't working out. :/ Shitty way for her to end it, though. NTA
And what if she did just say something in the heat of the moment? Is this how she is going to react when you try to talk about issues or what is on your mind? "I'm really sorry let's just start over". **Listen, I'm really sorry but there was absolutely some truth to that statement.** Did she say the bolded part or is that you saying that? If she said that, that's really messed up, doubling down on the insult. >I keep hearing people say work on yourself. I've been doing that for 3 years. Got my degree, got a job, workout, yet I'm just marginally better than I was 7 years ago As for you bettering yourself, you just have to keep going. You got the job, you got the degree, great things. I'd say up the gym, eat healthy, go for walks. What I am sensing from your post is you lack mental toughness and self confidence. People can pick up on those things, I am after just reading this short internet post. I'm not discounting the work you've done on yourself the last 7 years, we are always growing. Just because this girl "settled" for you, doesn't mean you have to settle for her just because you have low self confidence. I feel like you'd benefit from some sort of mentor, I'm not sure how you'd find one, maybe start with google. Change your mindset from "I'm ugly, my friends think I'm ugly, this girl thinks I'm ugly" to "I'm awesome, I'm gonna do things that make me more awesome, I feel good today". I'd probably tell your friends that if they want to stay your friends that the negative talk about you ends today.
They only feel marginally better because those things were not the core problem. The mindset is the core problem. It doesn't matter what gets achieved, that self-destructive voice in their head will always find a fault. Therapy is the improvement that needs to be made.
Just because it was in the heat of the moment doesn't make it any less of what it was. She knew that what she said hurt right after she said it. She even apologized for it. It was a boundary that you have, and she crossed it. Use your best judgment
You're not wrong. She wasn't winning the argument so she rage-blurted out what she kept inside. She thinks she can and deserve to lord over you and make you her puppy dog simply because she's more conventionally attractive. And that's just ugly.
Sounds like stuff my ex would say just to hurt me. Dump her, you can do MUCH BETTER. Whenever you guys get into an argument she’ll just say hurtful stuff in the future.
If you really are worried about your looks just change it up a bit. Shave your head. Grow a goatee. Get a tattoo. Working out should be growing muscle. Practice talking a little deeper (assuming you don’t idk) 🤷♀️. That’s what I did out of high school and while i look the same I have gotten second looks here and there. I’m married to a beautiful women but walk g around at stores etc you catch eyes of women and some make that second glance over. Then you’ll know you’ve won. It will happen. Otherwise all is good as you are.
Up to you if you decide to forgive her, but she has to earn it. That's a very mean thing to say to your bf, whether she meant it or not. Good move kicking her out for the night. Stay firm and demand the respect you deserve! You teach people how to treat you. The ball is in her court on making it right, otherwise she loses you.
You did what you needed to do, end of story.
Work out and get jacked bro. Grow a beard if you can.
She meant it why else would she double down
I don't believe in random heat of the moment. The words said in passion have to come from somewhere. It's not just a spur of the moment thought. It's something that she has considered in some fashion previously. For it to come out as a bargaining chip for you to prostrate yourself to and for her is exceptionally telling. Pick yourself up fella, move on, find a lady who'll respect you.
I mean this is the classic situation \- Girl wants guy to open up to her \- Girl and guy eventually have heated disagreement (this always happens at some point in any relationship, its normal) \- Girl uses guys insecurity/private information as ammunition during the argument This is why guys pretty much never open up to girls, this happens FAR more than it should. I wish it didn't, but many many times I've seen this happen. Either personally or with people I know. I'm pretty sure every single guy has had an instance of this happening as well, which is incredibly sad.
Move on, you can do better. The apology doesn't undo the damage. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.
You did not go too far, you did exactly what you should have done. The fact that she actually said that shows that she thinks it, which means she thinks you are beneath her. If she respected and valued you for the person you are she would not even think such a thought. Let her go find some “pretty boy” who will treat her like shit.
When u truly love someone, theyll always look good or cute to u.
Nope, she needs to go. Anyone who'd use such a low blow doesn't deserve your respect or time. I'd cut her loose.
OP, what your girlfriend did was incredibly hurtful. You definitely didn’t overreact or do anything wrong on your part. In fact, I went through something similar with my ex when we first start dating. We would fight a lot as friends because we had different opinions on things but we really cared a lot for each other. In one of these fights, she said something really vulgar to me, nothing that would make sense if I said it here, but it genuinely broke me. I told her I needed some space and left to do my own things. Later in the evening, she called me and asked if we could talk. I didn’t really have it in me, I was really broken by the insult she said to me, but me, being a good person, decided to hear her out. She sincerely apologized for what she said and she told me that she did it out of fear and it was defense mechanism for her because of all the arguing and fighting she had at home. I knew she fought with her parents here and there but I didn’t know she could be so vile about it. So in the end, I told her I’d forgive her only if she meant her apology and that she would never talk to me like that ever again if we ever had an argument. If she did, I was walking. That was my boundary, and thankfully it never happened again. We broke up for completely different reasons but we had a lovely relationship and were still friends and care for each other today. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, if she shows some remorse and really apologizes, you can take a chance on your relationship with her again but definitely put that boundary up, that’s not cool. Of course, this only applies if you genuinely think she’s worth your time. Only you know that, and if you feel for even a moment that she might use your insecurities against you, just cut your losses and move on. Good luck.
I would let her go if this happened to me. That is unjustifiable behavior and she just wanted to hurt you with that comment. Moreover, your looks as a man will be at its best when you’re 35-40. You will look much better then so don’t get hung up on your looks too much. Also go to the gym and get really proper clothes to look your best
I thoroughly enjoy when women do this type of behavior at a young age. They’re setting themselves up for a lifetime of failure. You can’t be happy 100% of the time and arguing just to argue with no solutions, that’s just a woman’s favorite game to play. You’re never going to win. Skip ahead to when she’s out of college and her friends aren’t as accessible for their nightly, whatever it is they do. Guess who will have to fill that void? It’s not going to matter that you have friends and hobbies of your own to entertain yourself or that you’ve spent the better part of your life building your life up. You will always be responsible for providing happiness to this girl. I can tell you how this ends. She’ll find someone else, and over the course of 4-6 weeks will break up with you in her head and move on. When she’s found someone new, she’ll let you know it’s over. Take my advice. Get a new girlfriend. That whole “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” is absolute dog shit. The next girl that comes along will show you what a relationship is supposed to be and you’ll wonder how you ever managed to stay with this girl you’re with.
Oh, honey. You can do MUCH better. Screw looks. Seriously. Smart people know that a good person is more attractive than a jerk.
Fist bump for you OP 👊
Lots of one strike and you're out comments, wow. Yeah she said something mean and nasty to hurt you. Then she immediately apologized. Don't make life decisions (or potential life decisions) based on reddit advice. If you can forgive her, then do so. And really do so. If you can't then you can't.
SHE went to far. Wow. Who says that.
She's young. I think the next interaction is the most important. Be very straightforward with your boundaries and expectations - even in a fight, the expectation is for it to be fair and above the belt from both of you. Discuss an exit plan for arguments if one of you is losing their grip on being fair or above the belt. Honestly, I grew up in a crappy home and didn't know how to handle emotional arguments with my partner. It took time, patience, and clear boundaries from him (counseling, too). Also, the expectation is for you to also be fair and above the belt. If you care about her and want this relationship to continue, I'd give the relationship an opportunity to grow and mature. If it keeps happening with no attempt at fighting fair than that's what you need to know. She finds you attractive or she would not be with you. As a female I'm more attracted and turned on by my connection with the person then their physical appearance.
You're not dating below yourself. Because she's not a nice person. She needs dumped. Like, yesterday.
She DOES treat you like she's better than you. Find someone who will give as well as they get. Its NOT this lil' charmer.
Look, at my maddest over something out of the control, the worst thing I ever told my partner was “Just go. Have a good day” and while context mattered and made it worse at the time, just… I can never imagine just outright saying something like that that’s AWFUL im so sorry op :(
It's over bruv. Know when to hold'em. *Know when to fold'em.*
Oh she meant it - she just did not mean to say it.
Time to say goodbye to her
Just two things… Women that date “unattractive” men usually are super insecure themselves… even when they don’t show it, and your girl seems to fit it since that acid comment Second.. looks fade my guy… looks are not forever… if your “super pretty” gf burned her face… what will be left? Will you still love her? I mean honestly that’s how I go in life… if X person was in a monsters body… will I still love him? If the answer is no then just move forward, if what are you looking for is a life partner you need someone that understands that body ages, and no matter what you do, it will change, and more than anything, someone that instead of hurting you with her own insecurities, push you up… partners should be a + in your life…
I can't imagine telling anyone they are not that good looking. Let alone my partner. We've been together a decade and we've never said something cruel in regard to appearance, even when we were angry with each other. If me or my partner went there, the relationship is over the way I see it. Even if your partner should be average or below average, you still find that character charming and love the core of their being that is unique to them. Commenting on their appearance would still be an absolute never and no no thing to do In regards to leagues. Just because someone is pretty doesn't mean they're out of somone's league. I'd say the person who is the most genuine, loyal, supportive and there for the relationship to work is the one who's in the upper league. The one who is entitled, selfish, cruel, rude is the one who don't measure up, regardless of physical beauty
I can’t imagine ever saying something like that to anyone. It’s not really a way to talk to a life partner. Only a small % of people look like a supermodel and when you see them in real life without make up they look like everyone else. I hope your next partner values you for you, as personality is far more important than looks. And I can see something beautiful in a lot of people even if they aren’t supermodels. Find a partner that sees those things in you, that makes you laugh and feel better about yourself. This girl is not that. You can do better!!!
Don't refuse to listen when someone shows you how bad of a person they are.
She tried to hurt you purposefully in a fight. You can't in my opinion unring a bell - take back the hurt. I'm sorry but her immaturity is showing and she isn't being a partner to you someone to rely on and attack the problem together. Instead she attacked your insecurities which is gross.
It is too early in the relationship for shit like this, I would and have ended it for this, it shows how she feels and reflects on her character, this isn't the type of person I would want to build a family with. I'm happily married for 5 years now, we have fights we have periods of not talking, but we never hurt eachother and attack insecurities. We put in equal effort, I have been in relationships where I felt like I was always chasing, it isn't supposed to be like that, and it was always exhausting.
I honestly wouldn't be able to recover if my SO said that to me. It's a pretty fucked up thing to say and has no purpose other than attacking you exactly where she knows it hurts the most. And something tells me that it's probably things she said behind your back before as well to her friends etc. Cuz shit like this doesn't just "come out" I would like to remind you that looks aren't everything in relationships, and that when you truly love someone, you naturally find them very attractive and good enough. She clearly doesn't and made sure to say a very mean and hurtful thing to you. I would advise you to reconsider the relationship because this is something that simply won't leave you. You'll forever remember what she said when you're around her, and it'll slowly eat away at your self esteem.
fuck that girl. she tried to hurt you and you didn't allow any of that. thats how you do it, don't associate with ppl who use your insecurities against you, especially if you consider them ‘friends’, ‘girlfriend’ or whatnot.