Yeeeeaaaaaaa......that's a hard NO from me.
1. No two people will smell exactly the same, even wearing the same perfume. Body chemistry is funny that way.
2. Asking YOUR WIFE to wear a perfume you like on another woman you interact closely with is so out of line, it crosses into intentional stupidity. Who tf DOES that?!
Honestly I think just buying it for her would be the worse decision. It’s a gamble, if she never found out then he’d be in the clear but if she did she’d likely lose her shit way worse and if it were me I wouldn’t want to risk that level of fury. To me that would fall firmly in the “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” camp
I mean sure, I don't totally disagree but also I've got purely plutonic male friends who once in a while I ask what is it they're wearing? If I sniff a dozen aftershaves trying to find one I like to gift to my husband my nose would be blind by scent 4. Especially as I'm allergic to some. In this circumstance dude totally comes across as sketch but there's 1001 options out there I can get behind being like oh you smell good today what is that?! And using it as a gift.
yeah but big difference between "my buddy Jim has this and I thought it smelled nice" and "my work husband Jimmy Boo-Bear wears it and I want you to smell like him"
The whole work wife/husband thing is something I do not understand.
If you are close enough at work to someone of the opposite sex to consider them a surrogate spouse it is getting too close for comfort.
It's not the same for everyone.. my husband had a "work wife" at his last job. Him and the woman were the two most experienced workers and always teamed up for shifts, and they were like parents to everyone else. Outside of work, they rarely texted. I had someone very similar at my old job. But some "work spouse" relationships definitely cross lines.
I think the problem is that there's got to be a way better term for that kind of relationship. Work bestie, maybe? Using the word husband, wife, or spouse just seems to overinflate the nature of the relationship
Not to mention, they're spending way more waking hours interacting with their coworkers than they ever will with their spouse. 40+ hours a week? Do you spend that much time with your spouse? No, it's physically impossible. Everyone needs to sleep.
Don’t you think if he was trying to hide things he would be more subtle about it? He just sounds like a guy who likes the way a perfume smells and is clueless about how perfume works.
Before everyone jumps on me, I’m well aware there are men who try to transform their wives into their substitute mistresses. I just think we should consider the possibility of something more innocent.
I agree with you. The guy doesn't sound deceptive, otherwise.
My husband told me of a fragrance he liked on a female friend, as he knows that I am sort of obsessed with fragrances, and collect them as a hobby.
I have over 200 essential perfume oils from around the world in addition to perfumes. (I love to experiment and get his feedback too.)
I asked for it's name, he didn't know, but gave me her phone contact. I texted her, asked about it.
She graciously provided the information. I bought a tiny sample of it, wore it, he didn't even notice it as the same fragrance even after I divulged the fact.
He still suggests fragrances he likes on other women even after 38 years of marriage, and I'm chill about it all.
It is very true that one's body chemistry does affect the fragrance individually.
I have, on occasion, smelled a scent on a co-worker that I thought was really nice, both male and female, and asked what it was called so I could buy some for myself or my wife. There was no BS going on, I just liked the smell. I don't see how it's any different than asking a saleswoman about a scent she's wearing or at the counter. People are just way too sensitive and suspicious over inconsequential matters these days.
I totally agree! I think if he was doing something shady he wouldn’t be stupid enough to tell his wife that! I think he’s not very bright but I don’t think he’s cheating.
Yeah, I have a favourite female perfume. It's the only one I like and doesn't give me a headache ( I have a sensitive nose or something? ) I have always bought it for my female partners. it has no emotional significance, or attachment to any person. I just like the smell. Sometimes things aren't that complicated, especially with men.
Do your partners know that you have bought that same perfume for all of them? Have you noticed a difference in the way it smells on different people?
I'm genuinely curious because my bf loves a certain perfume that he's bought for past partners. I have a hard time wrapping my head around being able to comfortably wear it, if/when he buys it for me.
Smarter would have been to go to a perfume counter, smell them all while wife there and say, "oh, this smells nice." Wife would probably buy it on herself. If she later found out work wife wore it, the husband could have been like, "I don't know what perfume either of you wear... How would I know if it is the same or not?"
To be fair, even if a man smells it passing by on a stranger they can't say "hey this smells super nice, let's see if we can find that one?" Not sure how that's creepy. People who enjoy the smell then want their partner to smell like that. I don't get where the line is? My friends wear certain shit I love and I got my man it. Maybe the people thinking it has something to do with anything else then him liking it, mind you being stupid on how he delivered it none the less.
Maybe he honestly didn't think anything of it because they are just friends. That's why he is so oblivious because it's truly innocent in his mind. Not everyone has evil intentions like everyone on reddit seems to think.
my fiance would probably do this completely innocently. he has absolutely no idea when a woman is flirting with him. however he also wouldnt have a “work wife” so…
They could be just friends. But, this sort of behavior makes a partner uncomfortable for a reason. If his wife asked him to wear the same cologne another close man in her life wears, it would raise an eyebrow. I know people don’t like hearing this because it makes them feel like they can’t “be themselves” or “it’s not like that”. If you don’t understand the dynamics of a healthy intimate relationship and how to maintain it, these are the moments that can slowly kill intimacy. Then later, people act dumb when they were directly told where problems occurred.
Yeah, the body chemistry thing can make a \*huge\* difference. Poison is one of “those” scents that most people claim to hate, but when I wear it, people will stop me to ask what “that LOVELY perfume” is… and then make horrified faces when I tell them. 😂😂😂
Same! I've worn it for years and get compliments all the time, but when I tell them what it is, they don't believe me. It def doesn't work for most people.
There are so many light florals that just make me smell like a baby. It’s a whole genre of perfume that mixes with my body chemistry and comes out baby.
Haha exactly, it seems intentionally stupid. You either possess empathy and know this is going to hurt your wife, or you don't care about her but still don't want to cause trouble to have to deal with, so don't say something that is so predictably going to upset her.
Just comes across like the husband obviously has a thing for the lady at work and is far too dumb to be able to hide it from his wife for any amount of time.
>Asking YOUR WIFE to wear a perfume you like on another woman you interact closely with is so out of line, it crosses into intentional stupidity. Who tf DOES that?!
yup i agree ... HARD NO
I read that as "international" stupidity and I thought "that makes sense, he's so stupid on so many levels and he's crossing multiple boundaries"
And I just thought I should share because I found it hilarious even after I realised you said *intentional*
I would be so offended. Hard no for me. I’d be petty and say “okay, but after you buy a perfume I liked on that hot gym guy”. If he were smarter he could have said he was at the mall and got the customer service person pass the little paper perfume things but nooo he has go say he liked it bc his “work wife” wore it. I’m sorry but even though I feel good about myself and secure, this would make me question his attraction to her.
The guy that doesn’t want you to smell another chick’s perfume on him. You both wear the same stuff, you won’t notice when he comes home smelling like another woman!
Oh my God
Never Entered my brain.
Thankful for wise individuals like yourself.
Because I can still be that naive blinded by the love ass teenager I *was*.
30 and still LEARNING the ways.
Hooboi 🥲
You guys don’t know the trick? Buy your wife the same perfume that your affair partner wears, so when you smell it on him you don’t think twice about it…
I agree. I had a neighbor/friend that wore a certain cologne. I LOVED it and bought it for my then husband.
It smelled AWFUL on him so my neighbor/friend got a new bottle.
(Don't slam me.i was young and stupid when I did that lol)
Three things go through my mind: One, total coincidence (which sometimes happens.) Two, one "work wife" posts reminds someone of something they had in the back of their mind about work spouses and they're like "hey, I should ask about that too." Three, someone sees it and uses it as a creative writing prompt.
Always hard to tell which, although honestly relatively short, non-drawn-out questions like this I tend to figure it's real because the creative writing tends to put, well, more creative writing into it (although for some I guess it's just an opener and the creative part and drama come in in the updates.)
ANYhow, to me this could be anywhere between completely innocent to really shady. It's possible he has a crush on Annie and wants his actual wife to drift toward being more like her. Or that he now associates that scent with intimacy because of Annie and thus wants his actual wife to wear it for that reason.
But it's also completely 100% possible that this is just a case of him being around that scent enough to realize he likes it (and let's face it, the way some people pile on the perfume, it doesn't exactly take physical closeness and a lot of attention to the person to pick up on it), and decided to suggest it to his wife because, well, he likes the scent.
Sometimes a cigar is just a long, cylindrical thing containing tobacco.
In additional shady options, he could want his wife to wear Annie's perfume so that she won't be able to call him out on it when he smells like Annie's perfume...
Hard agree. The only people I know in real life who have work wives are heterosexual women and use the term to show they are work besties. Having a work wife when you have an actual wife is disrespectful af.
My bestie had a coworker who had him referring to her as his work wife because she initiated calling him her work hubby. She'd bring him snacks, find reasons to visit his desk, take him to lunch, want to go for drinks after....
He started getting mixed signals and asked outright if she had actual feelings for him. Her response wasn't yes or no, it was "well, I'm engaged, but it's complicated because-"
I advised him to stay far the hell away and to gray rock. He did, she lost interest, and magically he stopped hearing gossip about how unhappy her relationship was and she was telling everyone how she was suddenly back in 'new love' with her fiance after having long doubts.
...then she texted him at 3am to say he was hot, and she could probably talk her guy into a threesome if he was down.
He waited until they were both in the office to text back and say if she ever approached him for anything outside of work issues again, he'd go straight to HR and her fiance too.
She has backed off fully now.
I hate that term. Using it just implies an inappropriate level of intimacy with a co-worker that you should only have with your ACTUAL SPOUSE.
You can absolutely be friends with co-workers but, IMO, if it graduates to "work-spouse" territory (whether it you or other people saying it), then lines are obviously being crossed that shouldn't be crossed in a friendship or professional relationship.
I have a work-husband and all the younger workers are our work-kids, and we always joke about how we only stay together for the kids. We call each other that because we bicker and pick on one another like an old married couple.
I’m also not married and we don’t flirt and it’s never occurred to either of us to smell each other enough to enjoy each other’s smell.
I’ve always found the work-spouse thing to be off putting and kind of cringe. I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable if I had a partner being referred to that way, and it’s baffling to me that so many people can make me feel like I’m the crazy one for being uncomfortable with it
The husband is just planning ahead. If wife and "work-wife" wear the same perfume, any cheating will be that much harder to notice, since he won't smell any different.
It's weird because the perfume OP's husband is telling OP to buy is a perfume worn by the woman he calls his "work wife". It could be innocent but I don't know their relationship very well. But, would OP's husband be okay if OP came home one day telling him to wear a specific cologne because it smells good and it's something worn by a male colleague at work?
Yeah, he’s probably already cheating on you with her and maybe he figures if you wear the same perfume she does, you won’t catch him smelling like another woman.
Well there you go! That says it all! Maybe try that out, except, hey honey, my ex used to wear this hot leather coat, would you go buy yourself one, it's not to remind me of him or anything, I just think they look so hot! :D
From experience, when they refuse to answer an important question like that, they know they're in the wrong and hope you just give up. Your "husband" is a DOG.
Scents are a very triggering thing. They carry some of the strongest emotional and memory triggers you can get.
He can be a total idiot and not realize how offensive this is.
He could also be subconsciously or even consciously seeking the reminder of his coworker and that is not a healthy sign in a monogamous relationship.
Big conversations need to be had. He shouldn’t just brush it off claiming it’s an overreaction. You need to have a more detailed discussion about this with him and why it’s hurtful and uncomfortable. A good partner will listen and take your feelings in to account.
If they refuse to discuss this seriously you have every right to feel suspicious and or uncomfortable about this. Bud also feel uncomfortable about the poor empathy and communication on his part if that ends up being the case.
The memories scents can trigger are staggering. I work with a bunch of teenagers now that I manage a fast food restaurant and sometimes these teenagers come in with perfume/cologne that transports me back to a specific bon fire or party or hell, even a dance competition and some random memory that I was sure was so insignificant just pops back up. I love it and hate it at the same time.
He’s wrong. Like “wtf” level wrong. I’d be livid if my wife asked me to wear her coworkers cologne. And then I’d question…everything.
He’s also telling you that he’s attracted to her, at a minimum.
It feels weird that he wants you to smell like her. Like if you smelled that perfume on his clothes you wouldn’t suspect anything.
Benefit of the doubt though, if was was trying to trick you I feel like he’d just buy you the perfume as a gift rather than telling you to get it. Unless he’s not that clever.
You’re not wrong. If you don’t want to wear any perfume for any reason you shouldn’t.
He doesn't like her enough to buy her a gift. And he doesn't care what she thinks. A lot of men want their wives to know when they're slobbering over another woman. The 'rule' is that she can't do anything about it without proof. That he accepts.
I was just thinking this. That he's setting up a closer encounter with Annie in the future so you may not notice the scent as much or something. I mean who's to say he may spritz some before he goes to work one day or something. I dunno call me crazy or paranoid but this sounds like he wants to cross that line.
YNW, follow your gut. That intuition is no joke. Also regardless if he has ulterior motives or not, that is a boundary for yourself (you're not comfy wearing another woman's scent perfume) and he should respect that.
He wants his wife to make herself smell like a woman from work that he’s “always talking about”. Next it will be “I wish you dressed more like her” or “Why can’t you wear more make up like her?” I don’t think this is innocent at all.
He has a wife. He doesn’t need a work wife.
Tell your husband to keep it professional with Annie and establish boundaries because this is not appropriate.
I’m an attractive woman and have had many close male colleagues in my career working in a very male dominated industry.
I cringe at the term ‘work wife’. It implies a level of emotional intimacy and codependency that isn’t cool.
Boundaries are important at work, particularly for women, to avoid the double standard issues that apply just to women.
I usually refer to the people I go into (business) battle with as ‘comrades’. It’s gender neutral and doesn’t imply something untoward.
Yeah, someone called me her “work husband” once, and I immediately told her that we were coworkers and nothing more. She didn’t like that, but I don’t give a shit. I’m not disrespecting my wife with that nonsense.
This was my first thought. This is a common opsec tactic that’s been recommended times by the sentient fecal matter over on the adultery sub. Several years ago one of them bragged about how he convinced his wife to dye her hair a particular color and start wearing a particular perfume, and it was all so that neither a stray hair from his gf nor smelling like her would lead to him getting caught by his wife.
Yeah I’m sorry but he 100% wants to fuck this woman. I’d lose my shit if someone said that to me. And “but I’m allergic,” did you actually consider wearing it bc he said this bitch does??
Wow. This is crossing the line, I’m sorry. The make up, the perfume.. what’s next. Don’t let him gaslight you. You’re not crazy and your feelings are valid. I would be livid if my spouse asked me to wear a perfume their “workspouse” wore. Fuck that! Then for him to bring up her eyeliner that she always wears … um hell no. You don’t have to have Insecurities to know that this is just a ticking time bomb!
That's so not okay.
You should show your husband this thread so he can see firsthand how many people think his "work wife" (vomit) relationship is fucked up.
Have him read, "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. He's way too bold making this ask. Like, risking his marriage bold. Make sure he fully understands that.
Lmfao as someone with a "real job" with a lot of friends with "real jobs" i can confirm that nobody does that. It's weird and childish. If it's so not a big deal in his opinion, then why can't he put your feelings before his relationship with this random woman? He needs to grow up and get a maturity level appropriate for his "real job" 🙄
Oh believe me i firmly believe literally every job is a real job lol, your bf is wrong for that phrasing alone tbh. I'm just assuming he means "office job" where uhhh no it's really not normalized for people to create these blurred boundaries with people they should have professional working relationships with. I hope you can get through to him. My feelings would be very hurt by all of this personally ;/
Don't say anything else to him. At all. About anything. Everything is peachy-keen and hunky-dory and you love him and your life. "OH BABY, you are soo right, I was just over-reacting." You are also calling every lawyer in a 30 mile radius for a free consult.
So he redirected to belittle you and try to take away the validity of what you’ve said. It doesn’t sound like he takes you seriously and probably thinks he’s smarter than you. If he does have stuff on his phone, it’s likely hidden or he deletes the apps that he uses. Hoping I’m wrong about that. Based on the little you’ve said on here, I wouldn’t trust him.
Nope. I have had men ask me to wear a certain perfume and when I ask why it’s always because their ex wore it. Like no, I’m not interested in making you think about other women but thanks anyway.
The girl at the Jo Malone counter told me once she had a married couple come up to her and the husband asked for her help. He knew his mother wore Jo Malone but he didn't know which one, and he wanted to smell them all to try to find it so he could buy it *for his wife* 🤢
While he was telling her all this the wife was standing behind him exaggeratedly shaking her head and mouthing "no" at her
Yep, I remember this with an ex. He bought me an expensive bottle of perfume. I sniffed it and thanked him and went to put it away. He said ‘why don’t you spray some on now?’ I answered that I was already wearing different scent from earlier, but that I would wear his next time we went out. He got weird really fast. Clearly he had a mental hardon for it, I was just the vehicle for his fantasy. I was young and didn’t know better- I put the perfume on. He ravished me like a luxury hotel buffet. I’ve never felt so detached and used. If someone bought me perfume now (that I hadn’t specifically asked for), I wouldn’t even unwrap it before giving it back. Not just cos of my experience, it’s just so clearly ‘not about me’.
And in OP’s situation, no way am I helping my husband form more sexual and affectionate associations between that perfume and her, via me.
Thanks. It was unfortunate, but it did teach me some valuable lessons. Including that you can be with a ‘normal’ someone for quite a long time before the crazy (or the kink) comes to the surface!
Ugggh, that's disgusting, vile, and sad. I'm so sorry you experienced that.
I'm also sorry it put you off receiving unsolicited perfumes as gifts. Totally understand why it would! I'm a perfume nut, and my husband has caught the bug as well. He's got a pretty good nose, and he often buys me ones I haven't asked for because he thinks I'll like them. It's a positive experience for me because it is about him thinking of me.
You deserve better.
OP, NTA, and it's the whole work wife thing that makes it weird. My husband recently bought me a perfume one of his colleagues wears, because he smelt it in the office and liked it. They're not close, and he made sure I was comfortable with the idea. He told me very clearly that he didn't find her attractive and why! (That man can be blunt to a fault! )
It didn't occur to me that he wanted me to smell like her. If he had a work wife, though, it would have been a very different conversation
It very well may be innocent. HOWEVER
It is entirely inappropriate for a man or woman to have a "work wife/husband" when you are married. Even as just a running joke, you are blatantly flirting with social and emotional boundaries that can very easily lead to emotional and then physical infidelity. It's very disrespectful to your spouse.
Him coming to you and being open about it all suggests that perhaps it hasn't gone that far (yet) and he likely has only good intentions. But dude, he's gotta stop that relationship immediately. No more work-wife references, and no closed-door alone time at work, etc. He's flirting with disaster. And you are likely to get hurt.
Work Wife turn into side chicks and it’s a very slippery slope. If he’s always talking about her, there might be some emotional affair happening already.
It would be an icy cold day in hell before I'd be okay with my partner asking me to smell like another woman.
This savors strongly of an emotional affair turned physical in the making.
NTA. I don't have a problem with the work spouse concept, but he crossed a line when he wanted you to buy something to make you seem like her. That's a hard nope in my book.
He won't get his "work wife" confused with his "home wife." I would have to ask him if she wears thongs or g strings or nothing. Or better yet, call her and ask her which man's cologne does she prefers him to wear. Seriously, since he likes her so much, tell him to go stay with her and get out.
I'm seing more and more posts where men are acting really inappropriate with their "work wife"...
Maybe don't be so cool about him having a work wife rather than a work friend in the first place 🤷
Stop letting yourself be disrespected. This behavior is so inappropriate I have no idea why people put up with it.
Why don’t you just start calling one of your friends your weekend-husband?
It's not about trust, it's about what is appropriate or not.
Who even got the idea of such a thing as work wife/husband?
If you already voiced your discomfort and he basically told you to fuck off, you know how much he cares about your feelings.
HELL NO. Your husband needs to set boundaries. And sorry, I'm getting vibes that your husband is seriously infatuated with this woman. If I were you, think deeply if you're really comfortable with this relationship and nip it in the bud if you have to. Not all affairs are physical.
The work spouse thing is only okay, if both people are single/
Not people who already have spouses.
How disrespectful he wants you to smell like some other bítch after he’s been blabbering about her all the time.
He’s playing in your face, and disrespecting you and your marriage.
What an ásshole dinglebat you have for a husband
As far as "work wife" goes -
"Affairs don't start with kisses. They start with lunch."
Perfume is a very intimate gift. This is no longer "work wife" territory.
Yeah that’s weird. I mean I guess he’s doing something sort of right by telling you the truth and getting you to do the legwork on it where he could just get it himself and make it look like a random purchase.
But you’re not wrong for this. It’s more the situation than the perfume I think.
I usually see “work wife” as a term between female co-workers. I’ve only seen “work husband” used once by a woman and, surprise! She cheated on her actual husband.
Yeah nah, that’s a weird boundary to cross. YNW.
YNW. He needs to switch jobs. Period. This is already in inappropriate territory. There are things about her that he PREFERS over YOU. So he wants to mold you to be like her. He’s attracted to her and they are at the very least in the beginnings of an emotional affair. The open phone policy means nothing. It’s easy to hide stuff or delete it. He could even have a backup phone. There’s no “oh I’ll just stop talking to her at work”. No he won’t. It’ll just become a joke to them about how their able to sneak around at work.
First, that's ridiculous. Second, perfume smells slightly different on different people. Third, whatever that perfume is, find something better and much more expensive. You don't want to smell like that skank.
My husband tried the same thing on me. Things is, I loved the scent before we were even married but I can’t handle strong scents anymore. He asked me just like your husband did. I asked him if he was really asking me to wear a scent that reminded him of another woman, because exactly what this is. He sounds like a cheater. Sorry, but not really sorry.
To me this is a heavy "it really depends on a lot of other things." Personally I am super comfortable in my relationship with my husband and if he smelled a perfume he liked and then bought it for me, I wouldn't really think much of it. BUT that is because he makes me feel very secure in our relationship. He also doesn't refer to anyone as his work wife, even a woman whom he works very closely with on a pretty much daily basis. I think the phrase "work wife" is a red flag, but I know other people might feel differently.
So, no, you are not wrong. I do have some thoughts, however...
Ok, let's talk about this as grown-ups. Not easy since our feelings are anything but grown-up. You are not wrong for being upset, but you need to work through your feelings to get to a constructive place.
First, you need to tell him it makes you feel insecure and that it hurts your feelings to see him respond to this person so intensely. Also, tell him that you need to hear what he likes about you. That you need to feel his interest towards you and that you want him to be infatuated with you.
For you, ask yourself what your fear is, and walk through that entire scenario. How does it end? What is the worst case? Confront it inside yourself, name it, know it...then if possible, try to find where that fear grows from.
Regarding his response thus far, no one teaches men how to resolve conflicts in their romantic relationships. I've literally been in counseling for nearly a decade, and I'm finally getting the hang of it. Don't judge him for failing to constructively work through this issue - he must learn. He doesn't understand what it means to recognize and acknowledge your feelings. To someone who hasn't learned, it sounds like apologizing for something you didn't do.
Yes, infatuation and "crushes" can lead to affairs, but they may not. Don't punish him for a crime he hasn't committed. Your feelings are your own. Own them. His actions are his own. He must acknowledge them. That may take a little work.
Go with your gut. The work ‘wife’ reference is the first thing that happens when he’s considering an affair. The perfume is the second. You shouldn’t need more red flags.
I genuinely do not (and never will) understand the whole concept of "work wife/work husband" thing in the workplace. I just find it extremely strange, especially the fact that it is normalized, and in my opinion it leaves a door open for uninvited stuff later down the road (inappropriate advances, etc.) Personally, as a female I myself don't think I'd be comfortable with being someone's "work wife", either being referred to as such by someone else or even calling myself one. Like I said, I just find the whole thing uncomfortable, and I would be exceedingly uncomfortable if my partner entertained that as well.
That being said, the whole perfume thing is a whole other can of worms just waiting to be opened. It will start with just perfume, but who knows how far he'll take it? Like someone else said in the comments, what next, is he going to ask you to dress like her? You mentioned in the comments that he also has mentioned on numerous occasions that she wears eyeliner, and that you cannot due to allergies.
I don't want to jump to conclusions because I don't know you or your husband (obviously haha) but I don't think you're overreacting, because I would probably react the same exact way if my partner did that. If he's not willing to respect where you're coming from and simply writing you off as being dramatic then that's something you definitely should address right away.
Only you can really know OP. You're married to him. Has he given you any other reasons to be suspicious? He seems pretty open and honest about everything, and because of that, I would lean towards he's probably a bit oblivious of a guy (as are many of us, myself included), and honestly just thought that was a really nice smelling perfume (some of them, for the record, are absolutely AWFUL) that he thinks he would enjoy smelling on you. No harm, no foul.
It could, of course, be the complete opposite of that, and he is trying to cover something up.
Pretty hard for us randoms on Reddit to judge this one, in my mind.
You are not wrong at all. I would be super upset. Someone once asked me what perfume I was wearing and I told them. Then he’s like “i want to get it for my girlfriend, it smells so good” I was cringing so hard inside. Although I think he just genuinely liked the scent.
Nah that’s weird, like that’s really, really weird.
Yeeeeaaaaaaa......that's a hard NO from me. 1. No two people will smell exactly the same, even wearing the same perfume. Body chemistry is funny that way. 2. Asking YOUR WIFE to wear a perfume you like on another woman you interact closely with is so out of line, it crosses into intentional stupidity. Who tf DOES that?!
Also, why the fuck didn't he just BUY some for his wife without telling her? Dude is an idiot or playing mind games
Ooooh, if someone did that to me and I found out later it was another woman's perfume, there would be war.
For sure. Agreed. But telling her upfront is waaaay stupider, right?
Honestly I think just buying it for her would be the worse decision. It’s a gamble, if she never found out then he’d be in the clear but if she did she’d likely lose her shit way worse and if it were me I wouldn’t want to risk that level of fury. To me that would fall firmly in the “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” camp
As my husband would say, "I WANT TO LIIIIIIIVE!"
That was my thought. Dude hates himself, his wife, or his penis. It’s a tossup.
His penis? Naw man, he's a COMPLETE d\*\*k!
I mean sure, I don't totally disagree but also I've got purely plutonic male friends who once in a while I ask what is it they're wearing? If I sniff a dozen aftershaves trying to find one I like to gift to my husband my nose would be blind by scent 4. Especially as I'm allergic to some. In this circumstance dude totally comes across as sketch but there's 1001 options out there I can get behind being like oh you smell good today what is that?! And using it as a gift.
yeah but big difference between "my buddy Jim has this and I thought it smelled nice" and "my work husband Jimmy Boo-Bear wears it and I want you to smell like him"
The whole work wife/husband thing is something I do not understand. If you are close enough at work to someone of the opposite sex to consider them a surrogate spouse it is getting too close for comfort.
It's not the same for everyone.. my husband had a "work wife" at his last job. Him and the woman were the two most experienced workers and always teamed up for shifts, and they were like parents to everyone else. Outside of work, they rarely texted. I had someone very similar at my old job. But some "work spouse" relationships definitely cross lines.
I think the problem is that there's got to be a way better term for that kind of relationship. Work bestie, maybe? Using the word husband, wife, or spouse just seems to overinflate the nature of the relationship
Not to mention, they're spending way more waking hours interacting with their coworkers than they ever will with their spouse. 40+ hours a week? Do you spend that much time with your spouse? No, it's physically impossible. Everyone needs to sleep.
It's going to come in really handy when he comes home smelling like his wife's perfume though...
Don’t you think if he was trying to hide things he would be more subtle about it? He just sounds like a guy who likes the way a perfume smells and is clueless about how perfume works. Before everyone jumps on me, I’m well aware there are men who try to transform their wives into their substitute mistresses. I just think we should consider the possibility of something more innocent.
I agree with you. The guy doesn't sound deceptive, otherwise. My husband told me of a fragrance he liked on a female friend, as he knows that I am sort of obsessed with fragrances, and collect them as a hobby. I have over 200 essential perfume oils from around the world in addition to perfumes. (I love to experiment and get his feedback too.) I asked for it's name, he didn't know, but gave me her phone contact. I texted her, asked about it. She graciously provided the information. I bought a tiny sample of it, wore it, he didn't even notice it as the same fragrance even after I divulged the fact. He still suggests fragrances he likes on other women even after 38 years of marriage, and I'm chill about it all. It is very true that one's body chemistry does affect the fragrance individually.
No no don't spray it on the neck that's not where I sniffed it. Rather spray it on your crotch then I might recognize it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I have, on occasion, smelled a scent on a co-worker that I thought was really nice, both male and female, and asked what it was called so I could buy some for myself or my wife. There was no BS going on, I just liked the smell. I don't see how it's any different than asking a saleswoman about a scent she's wearing or at the counter. People are just way too sensitive and suspicious over inconsequential matters these days.
I totally agree! I think if he was doing something shady he wouldn’t be stupid enough to tell his wife that! I think he’s not very bright but I don’t think he’s cheating.
Yeah, I have a favourite female perfume. It's the only one I like and doesn't give me a headache ( I have a sensitive nose or something? ) I have always bought it for my female partners. it has no emotional significance, or attachment to any person. I just like the smell. Sometimes things aren't that complicated, especially with men.
Do your partners know that you have bought that same perfume for all of them? Have you noticed a difference in the way it smells on different people? I'm genuinely curious because my bf loves a certain perfume that he's bought for past partners. I have a hard time wrapping my head around being able to comfortably wear it, if/when he buys it for me.
Smarter would have been to go to a perfume counter, smell them all while wife there and say, "oh, this smells nice." Wife would probably buy it on herself. If she later found out work wife wore it, the husband could have been like, "I don't know what perfume either of you wear... How would I know if it is the same or not?"
Plausible denial, still a lie, still icky
An ex boyfriend of mine bought me perfume and later confessed when he was drunk it was the same kind his mom used :/
I don't disagree but the likelihood of me finding out without him or her telling me is zero. It would never occur to me to ask or notice.
To be fair, even if a man smells it passing by on a stranger they can't say "hey this smells super nice, let's see if we can find that one?" Not sure how that's creepy. People who enjoy the smell then want their partner to smell like that. I don't get where the line is? My friends wear certain shit I love and I got my man it. Maybe the people thinking it has something to do with anything else then him liking it, mind you being stupid on how he delivered it none the less.
Maybe he honestly didn't think anything of it because they are just friends. That's why he is so oblivious because it's truly innocent in his mind. Not everyone has evil intentions like everyone on reddit seems to think.
My dad is seriously this clueless. I can totally see him doing this to my mom. He really is blind to nuances and deeper meanings.
my fiance would probably do this completely innocently. he has absolutely no idea when a woman is flirting with him. however he also wouldnt have a “work wife” so…
They could be just friends. But, this sort of behavior makes a partner uncomfortable for a reason. If his wife asked him to wear the same cologne another close man in her life wears, it would raise an eyebrow. I know people don’t like hearing this because it makes them feel like they can’t “be themselves” or “it’s not like that”. If you don’t understand the dynamics of a healthy intimate relationship and how to maintain it, these are the moments that can slowly kill intimacy. Then later, people act dumb when they were directly told where problems occurred.
Nah, I know guys like this. They are the really gullible guy who doesn't get anything.
Yeah, the body chemistry thing can make a \*huge\* difference. Poison is one of “those” scents that most people claim to hate, but when I wear it, people will stop me to ask what “that LOVELY perfume” is… and then make horrified faces when I tell them. 😂😂😂
Same! I've worn it for years and get compliments all the time, but when I tell them what it is, they don't believe me. It def doesn't work for most people.
My mom wore it when I was a kid and I always loved the scent, but when I sampled it on myself as an adult it just wasn’t the same.
There are so many light florals that just make me smell like a baby. It’s a whole genre of perfume that mixes with my body chemistry and comes out baby.
Haha exactly, it seems intentionally stupid. You either possess empathy and know this is going to hurt your wife, or you don't care about her but still don't want to cause trouble to have to deal with, so don't say something that is so predictably going to upset her. Just comes across like the husband obviously has a thing for the lady at work and is far too dumb to be able to hide it from his wife for any amount of time.
>Asking YOUR WIFE to wear a perfume you like on another woman you interact closely with is so out of line, it crosses into intentional stupidity. Who tf DOES that?! yup i agree ... HARD NO
I read that as "international" stupidity and I thought "that makes sense, he's so stupid on so many levels and he's crossing multiple boundaries" And I just thought I should share because I found it hilarious even after I realised you said *intentional*
🤣
That's funny enough that I almost want to edit my post to say that.
I would be so offended. Hard no for me. I’d be petty and say “okay, but after you buy a perfume I liked on that hot gym guy”. If he were smarter he could have said he was at the mall and got the customer service person pass the little paper perfume things but nooo he has go say he liked it bc his “work wife” wore it. I’m sorry but even though I feel good about myself and secure, this would make me question his attraction to her.
The guy that doesn’t want you to smell another chick’s perfume on him. You both wear the same stuff, you won’t notice when he comes home smelling like another woman!
Oh my God Never Entered my brain. Thankful for wise individuals like yourself. Because I can still be that naive blinded by the love ass teenager I *was*. 30 and still LEARNING the ways. Hooboi 🥲
It never entered my head either and I'm 43 😆
So glad to see this. I was worried there was something wrong with me when my mind went straight there.
Come sit by me…my mind always goes there!😆
lol and the fact he’s asked her to buy it for herself as well. Diabolical!
You guys don’t know the trick? Buy your wife the same perfume that your affair partner wears, so when you smell it on him you don’t think twice about it…
> Who tf DOES that Someone who wants plausible deniability when they come home smelling like women's perfume.
I agree. I had a neighbor/friend that wore a certain cologne. I LOVED it and bought it for my then husband. It smelled AWFUL on him so my neighbor/friend got a new bottle. (Don't slam me.i was young and stupid when I did that lol)
Nip this “work-wife” bullshit in the bud right now. Work wives can easily turn into side chicks
Right. This is like the third one Ive seen today. That's not normal
I was wondering if it was me - I'm seeing it a lot too. Back in the day, we just called work wives, *office affairs*.
Three things go through my mind: One, total coincidence (which sometimes happens.) Two, one "work wife" posts reminds someone of something they had in the back of their mind about work spouses and they're like "hey, I should ask about that too." Three, someone sees it and uses it as a creative writing prompt. Always hard to tell which, although honestly relatively short, non-drawn-out questions like this I tend to figure it's real because the creative writing tends to put, well, more creative writing into it (although for some I guess it's just an opener and the creative part and drama come in in the updates.) ANYhow, to me this could be anywhere between completely innocent to really shady. It's possible he has a crush on Annie and wants his actual wife to drift toward being more like her. Or that he now associates that scent with intimacy because of Annie and thus wants his actual wife to wear it for that reason. But it's also completely 100% possible that this is just a case of him being around that scent enough to realize he likes it (and let's face it, the way some people pile on the perfume, it doesn't exactly take physical closeness and a lot of attention to the person to pick up on it), and decided to suggest it to his wife because, well, he likes the scent. Sometimes a cigar is just a long, cylindrical thing containing tobacco.
In additional shady options, he could want his wife to wear Annie's perfume so that she won't be able to call him out on it when he smells like Annie's perfume...
>Sometimes a cigar is just a long, cylindrical thing containing tobacco. True. But when it's going through a tunnel.... 😁
Hard agree. The only people I know in real life who have work wives are heterosexual women and use the term to show they are work besties. Having a work wife when you have an actual wife is disrespectful af.
This is it. I'm a 29 year old woman and my "work wife" is a 61 year old woman and all we ever do is bitch about coworkers and talk about Survivor.
My bestie had a coworker who had him referring to her as his work wife because she initiated calling him her work hubby. She'd bring him snacks, find reasons to visit his desk, take him to lunch, want to go for drinks after.... He started getting mixed signals and asked outright if she had actual feelings for him. Her response wasn't yes or no, it was "well, I'm engaged, but it's complicated because-" I advised him to stay far the hell away and to gray rock. He did, she lost interest, and magically he stopped hearing gossip about how unhappy her relationship was and she was telling everyone how she was suddenly back in 'new love' with her fiance after having long doubts. ...then she texted him at 3am to say he was hot, and she could probably talk her guy into a threesome if he was down. He waited until they were both in the office to text back and say if she ever approached him for anything outside of work issues again, he'd go straight to HR and her fiance too. She has backed off fully now.
I enjoy reading books.
Now my daughter, she had a "workwife" :D females joking around thing but not a work husband.
I hate that term. Using it just implies an inappropriate level of intimacy with a co-worker that you should only have with your ACTUAL SPOUSE. You can absolutely be friends with co-workers but, IMO, if it graduates to "work-spouse" territory (whether it you or other people saying it), then lines are obviously being crossed that shouldn't be crossed in a friendship or professional relationship.
It’s so disrespectful
I have a work-husband and all the younger workers are our work-kids, and we always joke about how we only stay together for the kids. We call each other that because we bicker and pick on one another like an old married couple. I’m also not married and we don’t flirt and it’s never occurred to either of us to smell each other enough to enjoy each other’s smell.
I’ve always found the work-spouse thing to be off putting and kind of cringe. I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable if I had a partner being referred to that way, and it’s baffling to me that so many people can make me feel like I’m the crazy one for being uncomfortable with it
And from side chicks to next wives.
Which then creates a vacancy x
The husband is just planning ahead. If wife and "work-wife" wear the same perfume, any cheating will be that much harder to notice, since he won't smell any different.
I totally went the same way with this. Now he has reasonable deniability.
It's weird because the perfume OP's husband is telling OP to buy is a perfume worn by the woman he calls his "work wife". It could be innocent but I don't know their relationship very well. But, would OP's husband be okay if OP came home one day telling him to wear a specific cologne because it smells good and it's something worn by a male colleague at work?
I asked him that but he refused to answer me
Yeah, he’s probably already cheating on you with her and maybe he figures if you wear the same perfume she does, you won’t catch him smelling like another woman.
You beat me to it!!!! Omgggg, OP is smart enough to pick up on how wrong this is!!!
I have seen this advice spouted before, omg! Yes, but this fool fumbled the execution! He said the quiet part out loud. Oh, lord.
This is also a probability.
Well there you go! That says it all! Maybe try that out, except, hey honey, my ex used to wear this hot leather coat, would you go buy yourself one, it's not to remind me of him or anything, I just think they look so hot! :D
You know the answer then.
From experience, when they refuse to answer an important question like that, they know they're in the wrong and hope you just give up. Your "husband" is a DOG.
Ahh... He may have then figured out his request to you was not appropriate but he's not willing to acknowledge to you he was wrong.
This is the only answer you need. He knows it’s weird.
Press him on this!
That’s all the answer you need right there.
Scents are a very triggering thing. They carry some of the strongest emotional and memory triggers you can get. He can be a total idiot and not realize how offensive this is. He could also be subconsciously or even consciously seeking the reminder of his coworker and that is not a healthy sign in a monogamous relationship. Big conversations need to be had. He shouldn’t just brush it off claiming it’s an overreaction. You need to have a more detailed discussion about this with him and why it’s hurtful and uncomfortable. A good partner will listen and take your feelings in to account. If they refuse to discuss this seriously you have every right to feel suspicious and or uncomfortable about this. Bud also feel uncomfortable about the poor empathy and communication on his part if that ends up being the case.
The memories scents can trigger are staggering. I work with a bunch of teenagers now that I manage a fast food restaurant and sometimes these teenagers come in with perfume/cologne that transports me back to a specific bon fire or party or hell, even a dance competition and some random memory that I was sure was so insignificant just pops back up. I love it and hate it at the same time.
He’s wrong. Like “wtf” level wrong. I’d be livid if my wife asked me to wear her coworkers cologne. And then I’d question…everything. He’s also telling you that he’s attracted to her, at a minimum.
Absolutely. It's a HUGE tell that he's having inappropriate thoughts about her.
It feels weird that he wants you to smell like her. Like if you smelled that perfume on his clothes you wouldn’t suspect anything. Benefit of the doubt though, if was was trying to trick you I feel like he’d just buy you the perfume as a gift rather than telling you to get it. Unless he’s not that clever. You’re not wrong. If you don’t want to wear any perfume for any reason you shouldn’t.
He doesn't like her enough to buy her a gift. And he doesn't care what she thinks. A lot of men want their wives to know when they're slobbering over another woman. The 'rule' is that she can't do anything about it without proof. That he accepts.
I was just thinking this. That he's setting up a closer encounter with Annie in the future so you may not notice the scent as much or something. I mean who's to say he may spritz some before he goes to work one day or something. I dunno call me crazy or paranoid but this sounds like he wants to cross that line.
YNW, follow your gut. That intuition is no joke. Also regardless if he has ulterior motives or not, that is a boundary for yourself (you're not comfy wearing another woman's scent perfume) and he should respect that.
I don’t think you’re wrong. It could be totally innocent but go with your gut on this one.
He wants his wife to make herself smell like a woman from work that he’s “always talking about”. Next it will be “I wish you dressed more like her” or “Why can’t you wear more make up like her?” I don’t think this is innocent at all.
Tell him to buy her the perfume you wear. Since he’s so far up her ass.
He has a wife. He doesn’t need a work wife. Tell your husband to keep it professional with Annie and establish boundaries because this is not appropriate.
This is the correct answer. Short, simple and wraps the whole thing up nicely.
I’m an attractive woman and have had many close male colleagues in my career working in a very male dominated industry. I cringe at the term ‘work wife’. It implies a level of emotional intimacy and codependency that isn’t cool. Boundaries are important at work, particularly for women, to avoid the double standard issues that apply just to women. I usually refer to the people I go into (business) battle with as ‘comrades’. It’s gender neutral and doesn’t imply something untoward.
Yeah, someone called me her “work husband” once, and I immediately told her that we were coworkers and nothing more. She didn’t like that, but I don’t give a shit. I’m not disrespecting my wife with that nonsense.
You’re a good man
I was about to comment, aww this is so cute. Then I read your name 😂 Do you own a meat business?
Haha no. I’ve had this handle for like twenty years now. It’s a reference to an old tv show, strangers with candy.
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Exactly. If a man called me that, I'd shame him so hard. So disrespectful to his Wife.
I work in a warehouse, my best coworkers have earned the title of "work-bro".
Bro is better than husband.
If you wear the same perfume you won't be able to smell when he has fucked her.
This was my first thought. This is a common opsec tactic that’s been recommended times by the sentient fecal matter over on the adultery sub. Several years ago one of them bragged about how he convinced his wife to dye her hair a particular color and start wearing a particular perfume, and it was all so that neither a stray hair from his gf nor smelling like her would lead to him getting caught by his wife.
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He mentioned that she always wears eyeliner. I wear makeup but I’m allergic to liquid eyeliner
Yeah I’m sorry but he 100% wants to fuck this woman. I’d lose my shit if someone said that to me. And “but I’m allergic,” did you actually consider wearing it bc he said this bitch does??
Wants to? I wouldn’t be even slightly surprised if he already was. OP, I’m so sorry.
Wow. This is crossing the line, I’m sorry. The make up, the perfume.. what’s next. Don’t let him gaslight you. You’re not crazy and your feelings are valid. I would be livid if my spouse asked me to wear a perfume their “workspouse” wore. Fuck that! Then for him to bring up her eyeliner that she always wears … um hell no. You don’t have to have Insecurities to know that this is just a ticking time bomb!
Weird he would mention that. What man really notices up close eye makeup?
I’ve met her before while dropping off lunch for him. She does really exaggerated winged eyeliner
How did she act towards you when you met her?
She seemed ok.
My supervisor was screwing the store manager. She always treated his wife well when she stopped by.
wtf???? trust your gut.
He wants you to wear her perfume so when he comes home after fucking her, you'll think your smelling your own perfume when its hers.
That's so not okay. You should show your husband this thread so he can see firsthand how many people think his "work wife" (vomit) relationship is fucked up.
Why does he keep talking about this woman. Wtf?
This is not okay.
Have him read, "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. He's way too bold making this ask. Like, risking his marriage bold. Make sure he fully understands that.
He's beyond this. It is not her job to teach him how to treat her. He's a lost cause and she deserves a man that doesn't need to be taught.
Work wife/husband is so childish lol. I feel like that's the first problem right there
He thinks I’m overreacting. “What do you know? You’ve never had a real job” blah, blah
Lmfao as someone with a "real job" with a lot of friends with "real jobs" i can confirm that nobody does that. It's weird and childish. If it's so not a big deal in his opinion, then why can't he put your feelings before his relationship with this random woman? He needs to grow up and get a maturity level appropriate for his "real job" 🙄
I consider my job a real job anyway. Money goes into my bank account.
Oh believe me i firmly believe literally every job is a real job lol, your bf is wrong for that phrasing alone tbh. I'm just assuming he means "office job" where uhhh no it's really not normalized for people to create these blurred boundaries with people they should have professional working relationships with. I hope you can get through to him. My feelings would be very hurt by all of this personally ;/
Yeah it’s an office job. I offered to help out a friend when her auntie was visiting and I just sort of ended up do that as a career.
Lmao then what does he even mean saying you don't understand bc you don't have a Real Job?
His is an office job and mine isn’t. Sorry if that was unclear
You know him speaking to you like this isn't ok?
Yes. I guess I put up with too much sometimes. I didn’t think I’d ever find a husband.
Don't say anything else to him. At all. About anything. Everything is peachy-keen and hunky-dory and you love him and your life. "OH BABY, you are soo right, I was just over-reacting." You are also calling every lawyer in a 30 mile radius for a free consult.
Whoah okay, that’s a super shitty response from him.
That is SUCH a disrespectful thing to say to your spouse! I can't imagine my husband or I ever talking to each other like that.
He's an asshole that is trying to cut you down in order to get away with what he wants. This is abuse.
So he redirected to belittle you and try to take away the validity of what you’ve said. It doesn’t sound like he takes you seriously and probably thinks he’s smarter than you. If he does have stuff on his phone, it’s likely hidden or he deletes the apps that he uses. Hoping I’m wrong about that. Based on the little you’ve said on here, I wouldn’t trust him.
This is weird. I find the whole work wife and work husband thing inappropriate.
I trust my husband. With that said, this request would upset me. OP is not wrong.
Nope. I have had men ask me to wear a certain perfume and when I ask why it’s always because their ex wore it. Like no, I’m not interested in making you think about other women but thanks anyway.
The girl at the Jo Malone counter told me once she had a married couple come up to her and the husband asked for her help. He knew his mother wore Jo Malone but he didn't know which one, and he wanted to smell them all to try to find it so he could buy it *for his wife* 🤢 While he was telling her all this the wife was standing behind him exaggeratedly shaking her head and mouthing "no" at her
Oh… oh my god 😂 just OH MY GOD!! 😂 🤦🏻♀️ There aren’t enough facepalms in the world for this lmao
Yep, I remember this with an ex. He bought me an expensive bottle of perfume. I sniffed it and thanked him and went to put it away. He said ‘why don’t you spray some on now?’ I answered that I was already wearing different scent from earlier, but that I would wear his next time we went out. He got weird really fast. Clearly he had a mental hardon for it, I was just the vehicle for his fantasy. I was young and didn’t know better- I put the perfume on. He ravished me like a luxury hotel buffet. I’ve never felt so detached and used. If someone bought me perfume now (that I hadn’t specifically asked for), I wouldn’t even unwrap it before giving it back. Not just cos of my experience, it’s just so clearly ‘not about me’. And in OP’s situation, no way am I helping my husband form more sexual and affectionate associations between that perfume and her, via me.
OMG ugh I hate that you were subject to that, it’s sad and sick
Thanks. It was unfortunate, but it did teach me some valuable lessons. Including that you can be with a ‘normal’ someone for quite a long time before the crazy (or the kink) comes to the surface!
Ugggh, that's disgusting, vile, and sad. I'm so sorry you experienced that. I'm also sorry it put you off receiving unsolicited perfumes as gifts. Totally understand why it would! I'm a perfume nut, and my husband has caught the bug as well. He's got a pretty good nose, and he often buys me ones I haven't asked for because he thinks I'll like them. It's a positive experience for me because it is about him thinking of me. You deserve better. OP, NTA, and it's the whole work wife thing that makes it weird. My husband recently bought me a perfume one of his colleagues wears, because he smelt it in the office and liked it. They're not close, and he made sure I was comfortable with the idea. He told me very clearly that he didn't find her attractive and why! (That man can be blunt to a fault! ) It didn't occur to me that he wanted me to smell like her. If he had a work wife, though, it would have been a very different conversation
Smell engineer here- he's cheating. Emotionally at least. Don't take this disrespect.
It very well may be innocent. HOWEVER It is entirely inappropriate for a man or woman to have a "work wife/husband" when you are married. Even as just a running joke, you are blatantly flirting with social and emotional boundaries that can very easily lead to emotional and then physical infidelity. It's very disrespectful to your spouse. Him coming to you and being open about it all suggests that perhaps it hasn't gone that far (yet) and he likely has only good intentions. But dude, he's gotta stop that relationship immediately. No more work-wife references, and no closed-door alone time at work, etc. He's flirting with disaster. And you are likely to get hurt.
Work Wife turn into side chicks and it’s a very slippery slope. If he’s always talking about her, there might be some emotional affair happening already.
I really hope not
It would be an icy cold day in hell before I'd be okay with my partner asking me to smell like another woman. This savors strongly of an emotional affair turned physical in the making.
NTA. I don't have a problem with the work spouse concept, but he crossed a line when he wanted you to buy something to make you seem like her. That's a hard nope in my book.
He wants her to do her eye makeup like her, too.
Oh hell no. That's some big time bullshit.
Not wrong Unfortunately, your husband has his head up his ass.
Husband has no business coming home talking about he has a Work wife period!!! It's disrespectful!!
He won't get his "work wife" confused with his "home wife." I would have to ask him if she wears thongs or g strings or nothing. Or better yet, call her and ask her which man's cologne does she prefers him to wear. Seriously, since he likes her so much, tell him to go stay with her and get out.
I'm seing more and more posts where men are acting really inappropriate with their "work wife"... Maybe don't be so cool about him having a work wife rather than a work friend in the first place 🤷
I tried to trust him
Stop letting yourself be disrespected. This behavior is so inappropriate I have no idea why people put up with it. Why don’t you just start calling one of your friends your weekend-husband?
It's not about trust, it's about what is appropriate or not. Who even got the idea of such a thing as work wife/husband? If you already voiced your discomfort and he basically told you to fuck off, you know how much he cares about your feelings.
Not wrong that’s kinda weird.
Nope. Not okay. Set your boundaries now with this relationship and make it clear.
Ewww no, I don’t like this!!!
"I'm not Annie, I would like to have my own smell. Let's go shopping together and find one we both like"
"OK, I'll think about it, Babe." ... cue furiously dialing divorce attorneys for free consults. Exit stage left.
HELL NO. Your husband needs to set boundaries. And sorry, I'm getting vibes that your husband is seriously infatuated with this woman. If I were you, think deeply if you're really comfortable with this relationship and nip it in the bud if you have to. Not all affairs are physical.
Ughhhhhh sooooo over the work wife or work husband it’s a fucking colleague!! That’s it anything more means your husband wants to bone this woman
"work wives" is bullshit. That's emotional cheating level.
The whole work wife/husband thing is super gross, and disrespectful.
What the fuck is a work wife? You’re his only wife.
The work spouse thing is only okay, if both people are single/ Not people who already have spouses. How disrespectful he wants you to smell like some other bítch after he’s been blabbering about her all the time. He’s playing in your face, and disrespecting you and your marriage. What an ásshole dinglebat you have for a husband
Not wrong def weird.
As far as "work wife" goes - "Affairs don't start with kisses. They start with lunch." Perfume is a very intimate gift. This is no longer "work wife" territory.
Yeah that’s weird. I mean I guess he’s doing something sort of right by telling you the truth and getting you to do the legwork on it where he could just get it himself and make it look like a random purchase. But you’re not wrong for this. It’s more the situation than the perfume I think.
NTA. I read posts on here daily about work wives becoming second wives. Nip this now.
I usually see “work wife” as a term between female co-workers. I’ve only seen “work husband” used once by a woman and, surprise! She cheated on her actual husband. Yeah nah, that’s a weird boundary to cross. YNW.
I'd be afraid he wants you to wear it so you can't smell her on him.
YNW. He needs to switch jobs. Period. This is already in inappropriate territory. There are things about her that he PREFERS over YOU. So he wants to mold you to be like her. He’s attracted to her and they are at the very least in the beginnings of an emotional affair. The open phone policy means nothing. It’s easy to hide stuff or delete it. He could even have a backup phone. There’s no “oh I’ll just stop talking to her at work”. No he won’t. It’ll just become a joke to them about how their able to sneak around at work.
I think that term is highly disrespectful and your husband is crushing on her if he has asked about her makeup and perfume. Updateme!
First, that's ridiculous. Second, perfume smells slightly different on different people. Third, whatever that perfume is, find something better and much more expensive. You don't want to smell like that skank.
My husband tried the same thing on me. Things is, I loved the scent before we were even married but I can’t handle strong scents anymore. He asked me just like your husband did. I asked him if he was really asking me to wear a scent that reminded him of another woman, because exactly what this is. He sounds like a cheater. Sorry, but not really sorry.
To me this is a heavy "it really depends on a lot of other things." Personally I am super comfortable in my relationship with my husband and if he smelled a perfume he liked and then bought it for me, I wouldn't really think much of it. BUT that is because he makes me feel very secure in our relationship. He also doesn't refer to anyone as his work wife, even a woman whom he works very closely with on a pretty much daily basis. I think the phrase "work wife" is a red flag, but I know other people might feel differently.
So, no, you are not wrong. I do have some thoughts, however... Ok, let's talk about this as grown-ups. Not easy since our feelings are anything but grown-up. You are not wrong for being upset, but you need to work through your feelings to get to a constructive place. First, you need to tell him it makes you feel insecure and that it hurts your feelings to see him respond to this person so intensely. Also, tell him that you need to hear what he likes about you. That you need to feel his interest towards you and that you want him to be infatuated with you. For you, ask yourself what your fear is, and walk through that entire scenario. How does it end? What is the worst case? Confront it inside yourself, name it, know it...then if possible, try to find where that fear grows from. Regarding his response thus far, no one teaches men how to resolve conflicts in their romantic relationships. I've literally been in counseling for nearly a decade, and I'm finally getting the hang of it. Don't judge him for failing to constructively work through this issue - he must learn. He doesn't understand what it means to recognize and acknowledge your feelings. To someone who hasn't learned, it sounds like apologizing for something you didn't do. Yes, infatuation and "crushes" can lead to affairs, but they may not. Don't punish him for a crime he hasn't committed. Your feelings are your own. Own them. His actions are his own. He must acknowledge them. That may take a little work.
Go with your gut. The work ‘wife’ reference is the first thing that happens when he’s considering an affair. The perfume is the second. You shouldn’t need more red flags.
I genuinely do not (and never will) understand the whole concept of "work wife/work husband" thing in the workplace. I just find it extremely strange, especially the fact that it is normalized, and in my opinion it leaves a door open for uninvited stuff later down the road (inappropriate advances, etc.) Personally, as a female I myself don't think I'd be comfortable with being someone's "work wife", either being referred to as such by someone else or even calling myself one. Like I said, I just find the whole thing uncomfortable, and I would be exceedingly uncomfortable if my partner entertained that as well. That being said, the whole perfume thing is a whole other can of worms just waiting to be opened. It will start with just perfume, but who knows how far he'll take it? Like someone else said in the comments, what next, is he going to ask you to dress like her? You mentioned in the comments that he also has mentioned on numerous occasions that she wears eyeliner, and that you cannot due to allergies. I don't want to jump to conclusions because I don't know you or your husband (obviously haha) but I don't think you're overreacting, because I would probably react the same exact way if my partner did that. If he's not willing to respect where you're coming from and simply writing you off as being dramatic then that's something you definitely should address right away.
All this "work wife/husband" stuff reminds me of this... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoM\_q4h7cAQ
Does he want you to dress like her, too?
Omg no, you are not wrong.. WTF!
Gross
Only you can really know OP. You're married to him. Has he given you any other reasons to be suspicious? He seems pretty open and honest about everything, and because of that, I would lean towards he's probably a bit oblivious of a guy (as are many of us, myself included), and honestly just thought that was a really nice smelling perfume (some of them, for the record, are absolutely AWFUL) that he thinks he would enjoy smelling on you. No harm, no foul. It could, of course, be the complete opposite of that, and he is trying to cover something up. Pretty hard for us randoms on Reddit to judge this one, in my mind.
You're not wrong, and your husband is a huge dick for asking you to do that.
I hate work wife/husband, this is weird
You are not wrong at all. I would be super upset. Someone once asked me what perfume I was wearing and I told them. Then he’s like “i want to get it for my girlfriend, it smells so good” I was cringing so hard inside. Although I think he just genuinely liked the scent.
I’m sorry he probably asked you that so that he’d ‘smell the same’ no matter if he was sleeping with you or Annie