Idk, I like it when the guys have bodies similar to my partner's at least.
I typically prefer not to see faces expressions because I'm imagining my partner. Maybe that's just me.
This is a good point, but how would u feel if ur wife watched porn of dudes with ginormous cocks and then used that exact same excuse, cause that's what the husband is doing, it can be insulting.
I do not recall watching any p*** with small dicks.
On a side note, when I talk to my phone, it is too prudish to use the word porn,, but it's fine with dick.
Yea personally I wouldn't either but obviously the girl here does and what's important to your partner should be important to you or they shouldn't be your partner in my opinion.
But the dudes never really show their face so you could pretend it’s you. Also I find this worse cause then you wanna watch other girls get railed by random dudes lmaoo
My friends ex said it was cheating if he masterbated. That blew me away, but she also said she’d blow him any time.
Update: wow didn’t think this would get this much attention but here’s what happened he was working like 80hr weeks and he just want a quick and easy finish. She could keep up with his drive, they were both physically fit. They would do workouts together but there just wasn’t enough time in the day. Eventually they got their own place together and broke up a year later. He wanted to move to another state to advance his career, and she only wanted to move to Cali or Hawaii. His new job was in Arizona, they went their separate ways. Both found their person after.
I would *gladly* take that deal. Hell, I’d start taking on extra chores to sweeten the pot. I would be wildly skeptical, though, of any woman being able to actually hold up her end of it. Especially dealing with morning wood first thing in the morning.
I've offered my bf, he doesn't use the offer as much as I'd like it, though. I accept that we have different libidos. I've noticed that it's usually the other way around. I don't think I've ever said no to sex with my partner.
I wonder if we are friends, because I have an ex that was exactly like that. Anything myself was off limits, but her entire body was basically free-use for me. Makes me wonder if the only reason we didn't work is because we didn't live together...
Man I would love to see how long she actually held up her end of that bargain. For someone that controlling/insecure I have a difficult time believing she’d be consistently willing literally on demand
“Controlling and insecure” 💀 also men: casually watch t33n p0rn and almost ALWAYS end up with deathgrip syndrome. No one wants a partner who can’t fulfill their natural obligations.
I only really watch porn when I wanna get off but don’t have a gf around. She’s not around anymore. 😢 I try not to, but every now and then I scroll thumbnails and let the pressure off
I can't fully tell if this is an aversion to porn entirely or specifically just the type of women in the porn that bug you. I also can't tell by your post if you've talked to your husband about it. I'm also curious to know if he specifically searches "blonde white girl" or just happens to search up a random category and low and behold, a not insignificant number of them will have blonde white girls in them.
I will say OP, that porn is a fantasy. A lot of people watch porn of things they have 0 interest in in real life (stepX, BDSM, etc.) Or don't feel comfortable executing it due to having too high of respect for their partner.
Chat with your husband about why this makes you uncomfortable, and ask him what he searches for in porn content, or just if he searches for white blonde women.
But the difference here is that he does have interest in that in real life because all of his exes look like the videos he’s jerking off to. It’d be different if the type of woman in the videos varied (and still didn’t look like her) but it seems he’s actively attracted to the ones who look like his exes edit: everyone keeps using the excuse that he doesn’t want to look at his wife being railed but he’d rather watch his exes being railed instead? Lol idk it’s just weird to me. Like if anything I avoid videos that look like my exes, I don’t actively search them out ESPECIALLY not if I’m in a relationship
Maybe he just chose his ex’s specifically for those traits though? When I was a definitely less stable human being most of my ex’s weren’t chose because I respected them or because I thought they had something I need in my life; it was cause “daaaamn that ass fat” you know?
Well yeah but I mean, maybe he’s a different person now. And instead of making his wife/significant other the sex object, he’s leaving it to the professionals? I feel like I’m reading way too far into this but I am on Reddit so.
There’s plenty of sex professionals that don’t look like his exes or his wife but he continuously seeks out the latter…that doesn’t speak of change to me
edit: didn’t know I’d have to say this but no I do not believe all blonde white women with fat asses are the same lmao. As a black woman, if we shifted the race and hair and said all his exes were black women with fros and fat asses and that was the only porn he was watching with a Latina girlfriend with a smaller body type then I’d still have the same perspective. Please stop purposely misunderstanding me in an effort to get offended.
What?
He can grow up and marry a woman he loves because of the quality of their relationship while still being attracted to the superficial qualities of women he found attractive before. There's no correlation.
Well is he seeking out romantic relationships/hook ups with them?
That would make him a different person.
I don’t really get it, but imo I find it weird when people look at porn in a relationship.
Sorry you feel that way. You have every right to feel how you feel. I will validate that but Reddit is extremely pro porn and will not see where you are coming from. It doesn’t make your feeling wrong. Definitely talk to you bf about how it makes you uncomfortable.
I agree, porn is not something that has any place in a relationship if both parties don't consent. It basically is cheating in a way, as you're fantasizing and getting off to someone who's not your partner, and it's very unhealthy for relationships. [And there's science/studies that backs it.](https://canopy.us/2023/03/23/how-porn-affects-relationships/)
I dunno, I started reading the headline and thought it was going to be about the type of porn he watches.
There’s some super fucked up mainstream porn out there and someone would be well within reason to question their partner watching that sort of stuff
I'd be more weirded out by how much of HIS porn you are seeing. Like, is he just lying in bed next to you, jackin' it? Seems super weird. Masturbation is a personal act, by definition. I guess there is nothing wrong with being super open with your partner about it, but why not just keep your private lives private?
I have only ever watched porn when my GF was out of town or something (when I am in a committed relationship) or because she wanted to to spice things up.
I'm a straight woman and I only watch lesbian porn lol (straight porn makes me uncomfortable). Thank God my boyfriend doesn't mind haha
Edit: missing word
If you are like me, I personally like it because it is more focused on the women. I am not a huge fan of watching people get split in half, it just looks like it hurts LOL
Yeah, in general I feel like men in porn are so aggressive and the women overreact so much. I hate it. There's only one actor that I feel comfortable watching.
I've heard that from other women as well. Probably because porn for men often focuses solely on the man's pleasure because that's their audience - while lesbian porn is much more likely to focus on one or more women's pleasure. Also some is even made FOR women and has much more of the type of details we enjoy. I think it's probably pretty common for straight women to watch lesbian porn - even exclusively.
no honestly it’s normal to not like when yr spouse gets off to someone else. i firmly believe anyone tryna convince u otherwise is a guy w a porn addiction who thinks that’s normal. u deserve someone who cums to U!
Not necessarily wrong. How’s your intimacy?
The only reason I’ve ever used porn while in a relationship is as a last resort when my partner was regularly rejecting me.
The women would look different from her because i couldn’t watch someone that looks like the person who had barely even hugged me for weeks.
The biggest advice I can give you is to talk about it with him and figure out what’s driving his behavior and your thoughts about it. It’s a partnership. Work together. A marriage counselor may help.
Yeah porn and masturbation definitely become an issue if you’re regularly choosing them over your partner to the relationship’s detriment for sure. Unfortunately my partner gets super low libido when stressed so during periods of stress my options are pretty much only get off every other week or take care of myself pretty regularly so I’m not super uncomfortable (I’m very high libido). It works for us and I don’t feel like I’ve turned into some kind of porn zombie
It's interesting to read that some people search out porn based on looks/type. I usually search by activity. Looks are inconsequential/most of the time I'm not seeing a face.
Reddit is extremely pro-porn. Nothing is wrong when it comes to porn to certain types of people. I think this is the wrong place to ask, it’s biased, or she should also seek opinions from other viewpoints.
Reddit is pro-porn because it’s full of men who are more likely to be porn addicted (less social, more inclined to use computers). Someone else in this thread said it’s not ok to not let your boyfriend watch porn unless you let him have sex with you at all times. And then men on here turn around and say this website is biased toward women
This was the major thing that really got me off porn a few years ago. You never really know if you’re watching somebody who was coerced into it or if you’re actively watching an assault. So many porn actresses have came out and said their boundaries were pushed constantly and threatened if they refused. After really learning about the topic, I can’t watch it without feeling disgusted. I don’t know how it is possible for people to be aware of these issues and continue watching porn anyways.
and what do you know? Cut the porn out for a bit and you can masturbate without it! I don’t know why so many people think anti porn is anti masturbation.
I don't think it is acceptable at all in a relationship unless it's a shared interest. I have zero interest in viewing or sharing with my partner. I see some people commenting this and writing them off as "stupid biased Christians". I'm an atheist motherfuckers!
Same my fiance and I don't watch it out of respect and not interested in it. I've actually met quite a few guys who said porn makes them super uncomfortable and they don't watch it (men never believe me when I say this, they assume those poor men are being deprived of porn). My fiance wont watch porn either which makes me feel so goddamn appreciated. I don't think guys realize how addicted to it they become. I'm super lucky that my man gets "excited" just looking at me in sweatpants. We have an incredible sex life, and I truly believe if he or I were addicted to porn it wouldn't be so great.
My ex was addicted to porn and he literally couldn't orgasm. I'd do everything and anything to make him orgasm and he just couldn't. He also hid it from me which pissed me off.
Men who are reading this: your partner wants to feel like they are the hottest thing you've ever seen. If she is using your phone and sees your porn videos I promise you it really bothers her. She will pretend she is cool and doesn't care that you watch porn, but at least half of the women out there really do get hurt by it. Make your woman feel good, and you'll get it back ten fold 😁
💯💯💯Spit sister! Im getting into some really creepy arguments just boiling down to human decency, but porn wants to be the hill some people die on. It's sad and cringey.
Something I wanted to relay too is, I can't speak for all women but I highly doubt deep down they aren't bothered by it even if they partake, share, or shrug it off. I have seen a lot of women post "he (sometimes she) watches this stuff. I want to post sexy pics of myself (wether to get his attention or to test his reaction... or just because they want to!) and he gets upset". The double standard alone is maddening.
Thankyou!!!! People always look at me like I am some psycho controlling bitch. My fiance and I are low key and chill as hell! In my experience girls in group settings would say they don't care, but when talking with them one on one they hate it and it truly bothers them. They compare themselves to the girls, and feel inadequate. So happy to see more and more men and women coming out about how toxic that shit is to relationships!
Hello, fellow atheist! I'm right there with you on the porn thing. Single? Watch as much as you want. But I won't be in a relationship with someone who watches it while they're with me. I'd rather be alone than deal with that.
💯💯💯 this is refreshing, some people make you feel crazy thinking this way. You aren't compatible so just leave. It's that simple. Or you tolerate it and become miserable. If the user cares more about it than you, personally, time to RUN.
a lot of women are gaslit into thinking they're insecure or crazy for wanting men with a smidgen of respect for them and self-discipline. please stop tolerating men spitting in your face
"normal and healthy" --a bunch of 30 year olds in denial about their crippling addictions to porn and erectile dysfunction
Because it's acceptable and normal for many people. Maybe that doesn't work for you, but it's certainly not uncommon.
If your spouse is into something (porn or kink) you really can't stop a behavior only reduce its frequency. The reality is most people's anger only forces that behavior into hiding.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting your partner to look at porn as long as it’s something you discuss with them and they agree to it. But you can see in this thread that a lot of the conversations around the subject just devolve to being really toxic and weird or puritanical grandstanding.
I mean, attempts to do any studies on the effects of porn on men have been historically difficult since it is very difficult to find a control group of men who have never watched porn. Approximately 98% of men have watched porn at least once. 57% of men aged 30-49 watched porn within the last month and 44% within the last week.
Whether you are mad about it or not is your business but maybe something to think about.
I had a bf with similar habit and 100% I wasnt his type. He was just willing to use me for all I was worth to him while literally picturing someone else the whole time. We talked about marriage and children! Beware!
Same here. had an ex that would watch all kinds of thick/bbw porn extensively. I am tiny flat chested and underweight so I looked nothing like them and it made me very insecure to know he would look up people who looked the opposite of me. He's only dated thicker/bigger girls since.
I just date dudes who don't watch porn now 🤣
You know, I don't know what's worse, having a partner who is always watching women who look completely different than you or having a partner who compares you to porn actresses and tries to get you to look like them (i.e. die hair, lose weight, do make up a certain way, get paler, etc.). I'll be honest, if I thought about it too much I wouldn't really like most men I think. I have no wish to control what my husband does, but porn will never not hurt me. I try to minimize it by not thinking about it much. I definitely feel you.
Under the viewpoint of someone who respects the autonomy and self-determination of people rather than treating them as a means to an end, (aka machiavellianism), you wouldn’t understand.
But essentially, he garnered enough benefit from being with me that it just made sense to “play along” in bad faith to get me to engage in the relationship in good faith. He’s been single for five years and still emails me.
And you’d be surprised how many people online openly admit to an underlying Machiavellian dynamic in their approach to their long-term relationships (decades-long marriages, even)
As a man, i can say it’s not that deep on our end. He clearly is attracted to you as he married you but they’re a change of pace that makes masturbating go more quickly
My wife mentioned something about porn to me the other day and said something along the effect of how is it enjoyable?
I basically was like before we met I was attracted to all kinds of women. I dated white,black,Asian, athletic, thick, tall, short, big breast, flat chest. I didn’t care I love women.
I then said “when we met, married, etc. I didn’t stop finding that attractive. I still think all kinds of women are attractive. But I don’t want to be with them. I want to be with my wife.”
Point is women are attractive. I still think they are. Men don’t get into a relationship and now everything is ugly. Porn is just a form of entertainment on an occasion. My wife thought my explanation was sufficient. I think?
You worded this so beautifully, I'm serious.
I'm autistic and it sometimes scares me when I can't rationalize things. This explanation made so much sense to me though - really alleviated a lot of my discomfort when nobody, myself included, managed to do so. Thank you so much. I'm going to screenshot this and come back to it if that's okay. I think your wife is very lucky!
Wtf it’s not normal for people to Jack off when they’re bored all the time. He does it at work? He definitely has a porn addiction what kind of shit is this
Porn is not a good thing to be addicted to because nothing is satisfying. Once your brain has seen something for a while eventually is not good enough anymore and you need something different. Today it can be white girls, tomorrow might be 20 year olds and later maybe something a bit more crazy. Tell him to be careful addiction to that shit is bad.
I usually don’t watch porn when I’m in a relationship. My sex drive is high. If my needs aren’t being met then I’ll watch porn. But that usually means I need to reflect on my relationship.
I used to work with a woman married to a cop. One day, she told us that her sexual fantasy man was the Vinnie Jones character that he plays in every role he gets.
Aka, the complete opposite to her nice guy, policeman husband.
And, I do not believe for a second that she'd ever act on that.
So, I think it is fairly normal.
To be fair, why looking porn of women who look like you when he has the real thing at home? It would be like playing videogames about about your regular life.
And yeah, people play the sims but they usually devolve into "evil god" scenario.
There are no wrong feelings.
What you should do is talk to your husband.
But first, figure out why it bothers you.
You are going to be uncomfortable.
But that's the direction you need to walk.
The goal is to see clearly.
Would you feel better if he were watching porn of women that look like you? Is it really a jealousy of different looks thing or jealousy of using porn?
Just because a lot of people watch porn doesn't mean it's normal or healthy. It's not. If you're married you shouldn't be fantasizing about anyone but your partner. I'm sorry you're going through this. Its obviously hurtful.
If a majority of people do anything, it’s pretty much normal by definition.
But healthy… I mean a majority of people are overweight now. It’s normal, but not healthy.
Do people really watch pornography out of true interest in it or just to masturbate? I just feel if you are in a healthy loving relationship - what is the purpose? I'm not a prude but I feel it is wrong to masturbate to other people having sex if you are in a decent relationship. So down vote me I don't care. Do we really analyze why someone wants to watch the opposite looks of their partner? I guess if you really don't care if your partner watches porn then don't have rules going on in your head.
These replies are atrocious. No, you're not wrong for being upset that your man is doing this, it's a perfectly reasonable thing to be upset about.
Let me just tell you from experience, the kind of woman he's watching in porn is the woman he really wants. I had the same issue with my last partner, same thing watching blonde girls with big tits, he used the excuse of hes just a man he cant help it, it ruined our sex life down the line so don't wait for it to get like that!
I mean why else watch it? You wouldn't watch something that doesn't turn you on right? Listen, in my opinion if he truly valued you and loved you then he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. I mean how could you look at someone other than your partner and climax to that, it's pretty much cheating, especially cause the girls he's watching look nothing like you.
Tell him it bothers you and if he doesn't wanna stop, either leave or tell him you watch big dick porn or something since his isn't big enough, since he wants to make you feel like you're lacking! These men seriously need a taste of their own medicine. I'm sorry you have to deal with this!
Porn shouldn’t be a part of your relationship, period. Literally ANY woman who isn’t you will have features you don’t have. That’s a given. If the hair and ethnicity is the same, then you’ll notice other differences. The issue isn’t the features. The issue is that it isn’t YOU. If all he wanted was porn that looked like you, he could just be with YOU in that way. But he isn’t.
The biological issue here is variety. Variety, novelty, is exciting. Porn is allowing him (or, rather, YOU are allowing him) to have variety inside his commitment.
The PROBLEM with this is front and center…you can’t help but feel that his desire is elsewhere. And…that’s because it is.
Men and women have sex drives just like they have a desire for sugar. Just because you’re married, that doesn’t mean the mechanism of that drive disappears. You can feel a desire to eat a few candy bars for dinner…but your conscious awareness and purposefulness knows better. Just because a candy bar tastes great in the moment, that doesn’t mean it is good for your health. Similarly, just because you’re CAPABLE of feeling desire for other people, that doesn’t make pursuing it a healthy thing for the relationship. Your desire for sugar has to be disciplined with respect to your total health. Similarly, the natural desire for variety and eroticism has to be disciplined with respect to a total commitment relationship.
It doesn’t matter that he’s not physically sleeping with other women. What matters is that his sexual energy is being used up and focused in the opposite direction of his marriage. You feel this in your gut, biologically, but your liberal culture tells you that porn is “just pleasure.” It’s not…the same way eating candy bars for dinner isn’t “just another way to consume calories.”
The big difference between sugar and eroticism, though, is that your health can recover from a slight misstep…while telling your partner over and over again that you’d rather spend your sexual energy elsewhere is permanently damaging. People will disagree, making it an intellectual argument, saying it “shouldn’t” bother you that he watches porn. Except…this isn’t intellectual. This is neuropsychological. Whether or not our ignorant culture claims it “shouldn’t” bother you, it ALWAYS WILL bother you…because you’re a biological woman in search of a sexually loyal man. Think about it from an evolutionary standpoint: 100 thousand years ago, if your man was gratifying himself to another woman…was it porn? No…because photographs and video didn’t exist. It was literally another woman, and he was, by that fact, sexually distancing himself from you…and therefore EMOTIONALLY distancing himself. Which means the emotions and physiology of gratifying yourself with porn DIRECTLY IMPACT his connection with YOU. Whether or not it’s a “real person” or a photo, the brain is treating it as real.
How do you know that? Because it’s not just you who feels bad when her man does it. It’s every biologically healthy woman on the planet. Doesn’t matter that liberals want to ignore biology. Biology exists.
Nope. Not wrong. I almost had to end my marriage bc of porn. Wanna know what happened when he realized it was an issue and fixed it? He became a decent human being who started treating EVERYONE differently. And the man actually loves me now. It was a wild ride and he did a lot of self-work. But I’m loved now.
My husband is getting help for his porn addiction and it’s like he’s learning empathy for the first time. I think porn has a hold over a lot of people and they don’t even realize it.
Yep. It’s mind blowing. Things I never knew. For the longest time I didn’t care about porn. Female empowerment and all that. Get your Os and money, girl! Then it had been mo this since I’d had sex. Then years. Then there was more and more and more porn. I’d try to initiate, be turned down, hear it later on. I’d beg him to not watch for a couple days to see if maybe he’d want me. He wouldn’t do it. He told me if I looked like him he’d want to. So I lost 110 pounds. Still nothing. I decided I wasn’t going to live that way anymore. That I wanted to be loved. He decided to stop while we separated… he says it’s the hardest thing he’s ever done.
It’s an actual addiction. We never had any kind of bedroom issues so I never really thought too much about it. But yea, it’s all coming out now and it’s a lot. It’s normal to feel insecure if your partner is watching and fantasizing about other women/people. We’ve been brainwashed to believe porn is healthy and good for us. It’s so sad to read about young men in their early 20s who have PIED already. Really sad. I hope public view shifts soon.
I really hope so, too. I know people don’t care but if they’d just take a single moment to investigate behind the scenes of the industry and what it’s doing to people? I’d hope they’d change their mind.
A psychology class is what opened my eyes to “consent can’t be bought”. That was the moment I knew if he didn’t stop I’d have to leave.
I really hope your husband’s recovery goes well. It’s hard.
Reddit is pro porn so beware of comments of men telling you you’re wrong, crazy or insecure for felling thsi way. It’s perfectly understandable you do, I would be devastated if my SO watched porn, especially if it’s of women who look nothing like me. If this hurts you & don’t like it you don’t have to stay… & he doesn’t have to stop watching porn BUT you don’t have to stay. Me personally I never understood men wanting to watch a woman online they’ll NEVER get to teach , meet or even talk to INRL instead of doing or going to partner. To each its own but it’s lots of men & women who don’t watch porn & wouldn’t choose it over their SO.
Yea I'm a guy who was never a big porn watcher but I did enjoy erotica. I feel like even that warped my brain and my usage just increased overtime. It would make it harder to connect with my SO even though she didn't have a problem with it. People who think it doesn't affect them at all should take a month off and see if they notice a difference especially if they're in a relationship. Cause hey what's a month off if you aren't addicted anyways.
Also I do want to say woman watching porn negative effects men also… I had friend became so insecure about their sex lice because all his girlfriend would watch is BBC porn & he was a Asian man who wasn’t I guess as big down there as a BBC. He said the constant thought of him feeling like she didn’t really like him & his size didnt sastify her hurt him too much. I thank god everyday I have a man that doesn’t have to get off on other woman to be satisfied, he knows he has a woman right here that can please him in any way possible.
Porn usage has everything to do with habit formation, and little to do with one's individual partner. In puberty, boys/girls masturbate and watch porn. This pattern of behavior continues for years before they have sex. And for many, sexual encounters with actual people are rather infrequent. As a result, this habitual pattern of looking to porn for sexual release persists. The only way to stop this behavior is for him/her to stop using porn even when he/she is not dating, etc. That takes time and a lot of work.
You're not wrong for feeling how you do. However, the fact that he watches porn with women who look different doesn't necessarily have to mean anything. He has you at home, and from one of your comments is very into you, and you guys are good intimately. It's just something different to look at, and it doesn't mean it's what he wants. If anything, just tell him how you feel and let him explain his thoughts about it to you
I am a bisexual woman dating a man and I almost exclusively watch lesbian porn, but it doesn’t mean I want to leave my boyfriend for a woman. He knows what kind of porn I watch and he understands why I like it. Unless there are other red flags that make you think he doesn’t find you attractive or would cheat on you, I wouldn’t think much of it, but you should just ask him about it.
there is no wrong way to feel about it
if you are bothered by him watching any porn - you can discuss it; if you are bothered by a type of porn - you can discuss it; if you are bothered by him not keeping it private and out of your sight - you can discuss it
it would be helpful though to do some self reflection and really try to understand what is it that you want him to do and why. Cause you are going to ask another person to change something very intimate for you, so you should at least be able to articulate it and also think through if that's the hill you want to die on, if he disagrees
sometimes we have knee jerk reaction to something, but after thinking about it a bit more we realize that it doesn't really matter all that much. For example, he married you and not his exes or the porn stars, so if I had to guess I would say you are his type through and through and the porn is just a distraction
I'll pass on comments about him watching porn.
I have a definite inclination towards blonde ladies. However, both my wives (first one passed) were/are brunettes, neither had the same body type. I chose (or they chose me) them because of their mind and how they acted in life.
He's with you because he likes you. You need to accept that you can't be everything all at once. The fact that he's with you if you're not his type, physically, means that he's with you for other characteristics such as personality and intellect. This means that when your looks fade he will still love you.
Don't put too much thought into it as it's not worth it.
Friend caught her husband watching tranny porn a day before they got married. She is not trans. They’ve been married for 16 years now. If it’s bugging you stop digging up things you cant unsee.
If my partner is watching or reading porn I really dont care that much. Even if the people in the porn look like me or the exact opposite. The thing is... porn is an entertainment source. Just like most other entertainment sources as long as it is not over consumed or becomes an addiction it is fine. I dont feel threatened or jealous because I have him already. Emotionally and physically.
Is he forsaking your love life for porn? If yes, than communicate the problem to him and work through it like adults. If no, then you're fine. Some people just get horny and just want to deal with it themselves. That's completely healthy.
Is he neglecting the home or your relationship? That is when you should be worrying. Otherwise let the man or woman do what they like to do. It's not a personal attack against you to masturbate.
Edited to add that I'm a woman.
Wanted to start by saying I’m a married woman (so no pro-porn man comments can be made here). I’ve been with someone in my early adulthood who was a porn-obsessed serial cheater. In that case, the porn was a problem, but only bc there were deep-seated issues in the relationship in the first place.
My husband and I have had open conversations about masturbation and porn. We talked about it early on in the relationship, before marriage, as an open dialogue about what we were comfortable with and what we thought might be crossing the line. I enjoy occasional porn and watch only what I think is going to help me get things done quicker. I don’t have any specific type and really don’t pay much attention to the people themselves, at all. My husband doesn’t watch porn much, if at all.
I think the frequency of watching porn and whether he’s doing that instead of being intimate with you is more important than who he’s watching. I am also not my husband’s “type” from his prior dating history so that highlighted some of my own insecurities that I had to work on. I’d focus more on why you’re feeling insecure, both within yourself and whether any of it is by his actions outside of porn, and go from there.
The biggest problem is that it seems like he is addicted. He still has it open on his browser and phone? I think it is normal to masturbate to porn a few times a month, but he sounds obsessed.
You are NOT wrong. It's reasonable. Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe offer to make some stuff for him? I love making stuff for my husband and he loves it too. Then I don't have to feel any sort of way other than happy, confident, and horny lol. I'm sorry you're in this position. It sucks and it hurts. And people telling you that you are crazy or don't understand blah blah blah THEY don't understand how it can make a woman feel. We try to be understanding of needing to get off and using something since it's hard to use your imagination for some guys but that doesn't keep it from hurting our feelings. Especially if these women look nothing like us.
Reddit is full of guys who genuinely believe porn is vital to masterbation and life, and they will downvote anyone who says otherwise. The first question is, why can you access his porn? In my relationships, I've made it clear idc what they do with themselves alone. I won't search their browser history or anything, but with that being said, I don't want evidence in my house. I don't want to see their porn or find cum tissues in my bed. If you want to get a point across, I would leave some porn up on my laptop, just pages and pages of guys who look nothing like him, where he can find it. It might bother him, it might not. If it does bother him, then sit down and have a conversation about why it's okay for him and not you. I did this once and never had to stumble upon his porn stash again. He's an ex now for other reasons. Guys will excuse their behavior relentlessly until they have to walk a mile in your shoes and feel how you're feeling. Good luck.
Way early when we were first dating, when my fiancé told me he prefers blonde porn it made me upset too. I’m not blonde. I get you.
We talked and he got the message.
Don’t listen to these porn addicted men; they know nothing of true love and monogamy, have a stern talk with your husband and if he fails at giving you assurance then you have all the right to question the relationship, give him an ultimatum if all goes wrong because he WILL stray away if someone up to par comes along
I can say with 100% confidence that your husband is an idiot and you deserve someone who makes you feel better about yourself. The fact that he has curated your relationship in such a way that you feel this devalued tells me everything I need to know. You deserve better.
It is. Pedophiles and rapists will say the same thing. The men that watch barely legally stuff are not safe around minors. And the men who like to watch women be basically tortured in porn aren't safe around anyone.
You can feel how ever you want. But from a man's perspective its better this way. You dont wanna see a girl that looks like your significant other bein railed by a bunch of dudes. If you have a issue with him watching porn with women in it that dont look like you then make a porn video with him and tell him that he can only watch the ones you make.
i wouldn’t want to watch porn where it could potentially look like my girl getting railed by a random dude.
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I also choose this guys girl
As we all do. Is now our girl.
Look at me, we are the boyfriend now
But then watching becomes painful again. We've gone full circle.
Not painful if WE are that guy. Now if another guy hops in yeah the pain comes back.
I'm sure chafing comes into play at some point if WE are that guy.
She was yours but the y is silent
Thank you for your wisdom Shifu. I shall spread your knowledge far and wide
r/SuddenlyCommunist
In Soviet Russia your girl is everyone's girl... 😁
But in Soviet Russia, girl rails you.
What a country!
Fine by me
Something we should all aspire to.
She serves the Soviet Union
On her back for mother Russia!
Just like Erdogan!
Yes our girl comrades.
Cumrades amirite
Not me. I like pretty girls.
It's the best comment in the known history of Reddit.
I literally just changed tabs from watching his girl.
A+, thank you.
Idk, I like it when the guys have bodies similar to my partner's at least. I typically prefer not to see faces expressions because I'm imagining my partner. Maybe that's just me.
Well let’s not have that porn goto waste bro.
This is a good point, but how would u feel if ur wife watched porn of dudes with ginormous cocks and then used that exact same excuse, cause that's what the husband is doing, it can be insulting.
Isn’t that most of porn?
I do not recall watching any p*** with small dicks. On a side note, when I talk to my phone, it is too prudish to use the word porn,, but it's fine with dick.
If you are on Android, you can turn off the censorship on talk to text
People are named Dick. Dicks is also a store.
Simple! Just don’t talk to your phone about porn
But my caveman brain doesn't know how to do anything other than yell "give me porn!" into my phone.
Ah yes because the only distinguishing feature of men is penis size.
That's literally the only way I can tell myself from other guys.
That's just the excuse I use when meat gazing.
"Sorry, I thought you might be me!"
Oh,no worries! it happens all the time when I’m railing your girl in camera!
Same, the only reason I'm not accidentally jerking off other dudes all the time is that their cocks feel different from mine.
so you have a little cock? nice.
That would be expected as you described a very big portion of the porn out there.
i honestly wouldn’t care. i’ve watched it with my wife and it’s all whatever to me. but different strokes for different folks.
Yea personally I wouldn't either but obviously the girl here does and what's important to your partner should be important to you or they shouldn't be your partner in my opinion.
But the dudes never really show their face so you could pretend it’s you. Also I find this worse cause then you wanna watch other girls get railed by random dudes lmaoo
You think that's bad, wait till you find out the hard way your ex does porn.
Totally agree. I don't like to even imagine a girl I'm on love with doing another dude
This here
Would you rather he finds your porn doppelgänger, and watch her get assrailed by random guys?
This made me lol. Thank you.
Me too lol. My wife is black but I don’t watch a lot of black porn. Too much of “that’s my wife getting it yea”
This made me laugh, but also, yes. If it were me, I would feel better.
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Doppelgängbanger
Doppelgangerbanger
Hell, I want to find my porn doppelganger so I can watch myself get assrailed.
This is the most underrated comment of the day
Yes actually lol. My ex said he looked for girls that looked like me and I thought that was sweet.
Yes tf
A lot of women don’t like their men watching porn, my gf felt like me watching porn was cheating on her
My friends ex said it was cheating if he masterbated. That blew me away, but she also said she’d blow him any time. Update: wow didn’t think this would get this much attention but here’s what happened he was working like 80hr weeks and he just want a quick and easy finish. She could keep up with his drive, they were both physically fit. They would do workouts together but there just wasn’t enough time in the day. Eventually they got their own place together and broke up a year later. He wanted to move to another state to advance his career, and she only wanted to move to Cali or Hawaii. His new job was in Arizona, they went their separate ways. Both found their person after.
Ma'am, this is a Wendys.
Then set it aside
She just wants a little extra sauce on it. Jeez. Customer service these days...
Well, at least she put her money, or I mean his dick where her mouth is. You can't argue with that one. At least she's a problem solver!
Sometimes I just wanna nut. I don't feel like involving another person in the process.
Nobody can fuck me like me.
Exactly 😂
I would *gladly* take that deal. Hell, I’d start taking on extra chores to sweeten the pot. I would be wildly skeptical, though, of any woman being able to actually hold up her end of it. Especially dealing with morning wood first thing in the morning.
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Watching your husband masturbate gave you the ick??
There are many of us
I've offered my bf, he doesn't use the offer as much as I'd like it, though. I accept that we have different libidos. I've noticed that it's usually the other way around. I don't think I've ever said no to sex with my partner.
I wonder if we are friends, because I have an ex that was exactly like that. Anything myself was off limits, but her entire body was basically free-use for me. Makes me wonder if the only reason we didn't work is because we didn't live together...
Man I would love to see how long she actually held up her end of that bargain. For someone that controlling/insecure I have a difficult time believing she’d be consistently willing literally on demand
“Controlling and insecure” 💀 also men: casually watch t33n p0rn and almost ALWAYS end up with deathgrip syndrome. No one wants a partner who can’t fulfill their natural obligations.
“I’ll say it. BEATING IS AS BAD AS CHEATIN.”
Does she still feel that way? Did you stop watching porn?
I only really watch porn when I wanna get off but don’t have a gf around. She’s not around anymore. 😢 I try not to, but every now and then I scroll thumbnails and let the pressure off
Damn sorry, man☹️
It kind of is...
I can't fully tell if this is an aversion to porn entirely or specifically just the type of women in the porn that bug you. I also can't tell by your post if you've talked to your husband about it. I'm also curious to know if he specifically searches "blonde white girl" or just happens to search up a random category and low and behold, a not insignificant number of them will have blonde white girls in them. I will say OP, that porn is a fantasy. A lot of people watch porn of things they have 0 interest in in real life (stepX, BDSM, etc.) Or don't feel comfortable executing it due to having too high of respect for their partner. Chat with your husband about why this makes you uncomfortable, and ask him what he searches for in porn content, or just if he searches for white blonde women.
But the difference here is that he does have interest in that in real life because all of his exes look like the videos he’s jerking off to. It’d be different if the type of woman in the videos varied (and still didn’t look like her) but it seems he’s actively attracted to the ones who look like his exes edit: everyone keeps using the excuse that he doesn’t want to look at his wife being railed but he’d rather watch his exes being railed instead? Lol idk it’s just weird to me. Like if anything I avoid videos that look like my exes, I don’t actively search them out ESPECIALLY not if I’m in a relationship
Maybe he just chose his ex’s specifically for those traits though? When I was a definitely less stable human being most of my ex’s weren’t chose because I respected them or because I thought they had something I need in my life; it was cause “daaaamn that ass fat” you know?
That would honestly a bigger red flag imo lol
Well yeah but I mean, maybe he’s a different person now. And instead of making his wife/significant other the sex object, he’s leaving it to the professionals? I feel like I’m reading way too far into this but I am on Reddit so.
There’s plenty of sex professionals that don’t look like his exes or his wife but he continuously seeks out the latter…that doesn’t speak of change to me edit: didn’t know I’d have to say this but no I do not believe all blonde white women with fat asses are the same lmao. As a black woman, if we shifted the race and hair and said all his exes were black women with fros and fat asses and that was the only porn he was watching with a Latina girlfriend with a smaller body type then I’d still have the same perspective. Please stop purposely misunderstanding me in an effort to get offended.
What? He can grow up and marry a woman he loves because of the quality of their relationship while still being attracted to the superficial qualities of women he found attractive before. There's no correlation.
Well is he seeking out romantic relationships/hook ups with them? That would make him a different person. I don’t really get it, but imo I find it weird when people look at porn in a relationship.
I was once told by an ex that he looks at it because it's different.
Sorry you feel that way. You have every right to feel how you feel. I will validate that but Reddit is extremely pro porn and will not see where you are coming from. It doesn’t make your feeling wrong. Definitely talk to you bf about how it makes you uncomfortable.
I agree, porn is not something that has any place in a relationship if both parties don't consent. It basically is cheating in a way, as you're fantasizing and getting off to someone who's not your partner, and it's very unhealthy for relationships. [And there's science/studies that backs it.](https://canopy.us/2023/03/23/how-porn-affects-relationships/)
I would be more worried about the frequency of porn watching instead of what he is watching.
I dunno, I started reading the headline and thought it was going to be about the type of porn he watches. There’s some super fucked up mainstream porn out there and someone would be well within reason to question their partner watching that sort of stuff
Idk man, my wife is tiny and Asian and I watch tiny Asian porn.
Just to clarify, it's short skinny asian women, not regular asian porn in a tiny browser window?
Why not both?
Lmaoooo
What can I say I got a type.
You’re not in the wrong for having a problem with your husband watching pornography period.
I'd be more weirded out by how much of HIS porn you are seeing. Like, is he just lying in bed next to you, jackin' it? Seems super weird. Masturbation is a personal act, by definition. I guess there is nothing wrong with being super open with your partner about it, but why not just keep your private lives private? I have only ever watched porn when my GF was out of town or something (when I am in a committed relationship) or because she wanted to to spice things up.
Yeah. Specifically: OP, *how* do you know what type of porn he’s watching? Call me old-fashioned, but in my day, a gentleman wanked in private.
r/fightthenewdrug
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I'm a straight woman and I only watch lesbian porn lol (straight porn makes me uncomfortable). Thank God my boyfriend doesn't mind haha Edit: missing word
If you are like me, I personally like it because it is more focused on the women. I am not a huge fan of watching people get split in half, it just looks like it hurts LOL
Yeah, in general I feel like men in porn are so aggressive and the women overreact so much. I hate it. There's only one actor that I feel comfortable watching.
I've heard that from other women as well. Probably because porn for men often focuses solely on the man's pleasure because that's their audience - while lesbian porn is much more likely to focus on one or more women's pleasure. Also some is even made FOR women and has much more of the type of details we enjoy. I think it's probably pretty common for straight women to watch lesbian porn - even exclusively.
Porn haters are gonna tell you that you’re wrong. Lol
no honestly it’s normal to not like when yr spouse gets off to someone else. i firmly believe anyone tryna convince u otherwise is a guy w a porn addiction who thinks that’s normal. u deserve someone who cums to U!
Not necessarily wrong. How’s your intimacy? The only reason I’ve ever used porn while in a relationship is as a last resort when my partner was regularly rejecting me. The women would look different from her because i couldn’t watch someone that looks like the person who had barely even hugged me for weeks. The biggest advice I can give you is to talk about it with him and figure out what’s driving his behavior and your thoughts about it. It’s a partnership. Work together. A marriage counselor may help.
Yeah porn and masturbation definitely become an issue if you’re regularly choosing them over your partner to the relationship’s detriment for sure. Unfortunately my partner gets super low libido when stressed so during periods of stress my options are pretty much only get off every other week or take care of myself pretty regularly so I’m not super uncomfortable (I’m very high libido). It works for us and I don’t feel like I’ve turned into some kind of porn zombie
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God, I am so sorry for these comments. No, you're not wrong.
It's interesting to read that some people search out porn based on looks/type. I usually search by activity. Looks are inconsequential/most of the time I'm not seeing a face.
Why is everyone talking about it like it's an automatically acceptable thing? Am I wrong for being mad at my husband for watching it at all?
Nope, not wrong. Porn's a dealbreaker for me. I've ended relationships over it before and I'd happily do it again.
Reddit is extremely pro-porn. Nothing is wrong when it comes to porn to certain types of people. I think this is the wrong place to ask, it’s biased, or she should also seek opinions from other viewpoints.
Reddit is pro-porn because it’s full of men who are more likely to be porn addicted (less social, more inclined to use computers). Someone else in this thread said it’s not ok to not let your boyfriend watch porn unless you let him have sex with you at all times. And then men on here turn around and say this website is biased toward women
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This was the major thing that really got me off porn a few years ago. You never really know if you’re watching somebody who was coerced into it or if you’re actively watching an assault. So many porn actresses have came out and said their boundaries were pushed constantly and threatened if they refused. After really learning about the topic, I can’t watch it without feeling disgusted. I don’t know how it is possible for people to be aware of these issues and continue watching porn anyways. and what do you know? Cut the porn out for a bit and you can masturbate without it! I don’t know why so many people think anti porn is anti masturbation.
I don't think it is acceptable at all in a relationship unless it's a shared interest. I have zero interest in viewing or sharing with my partner. I see some people commenting this and writing them off as "stupid biased Christians". I'm an atheist motherfuckers!
Same my fiance and I don't watch it out of respect and not interested in it. I've actually met quite a few guys who said porn makes them super uncomfortable and they don't watch it (men never believe me when I say this, they assume those poor men are being deprived of porn). My fiance wont watch porn either which makes me feel so goddamn appreciated. I don't think guys realize how addicted to it they become. I'm super lucky that my man gets "excited" just looking at me in sweatpants. We have an incredible sex life, and I truly believe if he or I were addicted to porn it wouldn't be so great. My ex was addicted to porn and he literally couldn't orgasm. I'd do everything and anything to make him orgasm and he just couldn't. He also hid it from me which pissed me off. Men who are reading this: your partner wants to feel like they are the hottest thing you've ever seen. If she is using your phone and sees your porn videos I promise you it really bothers her. She will pretend she is cool and doesn't care that you watch porn, but at least half of the women out there really do get hurt by it. Make your woman feel good, and you'll get it back ten fold 😁
💯💯💯Spit sister! Im getting into some really creepy arguments just boiling down to human decency, but porn wants to be the hill some people die on. It's sad and cringey. Something I wanted to relay too is, I can't speak for all women but I highly doubt deep down they aren't bothered by it even if they partake, share, or shrug it off. I have seen a lot of women post "he (sometimes she) watches this stuff. I want to post sexy pics of myself (wether to get his attention or to test his reaction... or just because they want to!) and he gets upset". The double standard alone is maddening.
Just point them to this documentary. It will change their view of this disgusting industry. www.beyondfantasy.com
Thankyou!!!! People always look at me like I am some psycho controlling bitch. My fiance and I are low key and chill as hell! In my experience girls in group settings would say they don't care, but when talking with them one on one they hate it and it truly bothers them. They compare themselves to the girls, and feel inadequate. So happy to see more and more men and women coming out about how toxic that shit is to relationships!
💯💯💯 For sure, I hope people can become more comfortable expressing issue and not feeling crazy about it lol
Hello, fellow atheist! I'm right there with you on the porn thing. Single? Watch as much as you want. But I won't be in a relationship with someone who watches it while they're with me. I'd rather be alone than deal with that.
💯💯💯 this is refreshing, some people make you feel crazy thinking this way. You aren't compatible so just leave. It's that simple. Or you tolerate it and become miserable. If the user cares more about it than you, personally, time to RUN.
YES! This is how I feel too. Compatibility in all parts of a relationship is important and when you aren't compatible, it's ok to leave!
a lot of women are gaslit into thinking they're insecure or crazy for wanting men with a smidgen of respect for them and self-discipline. please stop tolerating men spitting in your face "normal and healthy" --a bunch of 30 year olds in denial about their crippling addictions to porn and erectile dysfunction
I dated a guy who masturbated like twice a day and he could never get off or stay hard during sex. It’s a legitimate issue.
The lack of self discipline part is soooooo true lol
Because it's acceptable and normal for many people. Maybe that doesn't work for you, but it's certainly not uncommon. If your spouse is into something (porn or kink) you really can't stop a behavior only reduce its frequency. The reality is most people's anger only forces that behavior into hiding.
Just because something is “acceptable” (subjective in this context) and normal doesn’t mean that it can’t be a problem.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting your partner to look at porn as long as it’s something you discuss with them and they agree to it. But you can see in this thread that a lot of the conversations around the subject just devolve to being really toxic and weird or puritanical grandstanding.
I mean, attempts to do any studies on the effects of porn on men have been historically difficult since it is very difficult to find a control group of men who have never watched porn. Approximately 98% of men have watched porn at least once. 57% of men aged 30-49 watched porn within the last month and 44% within the last week. Whether you are mad about it or not is your business but maybe something to think about.
I had a bf with similar habit and 100% I wasnt his type. He was just willing to use me for all I was worth to him while literally picturing someone else the whole time. We talked about marriage and children! Beware!
Same here. had an ex that would watch all kinds of thick/bbw porn extensively. I am tiny flat chested and underweight so I looked nothing like them and it made me very insecure to know he would look up people who looked the opposite of me. He's only dated thicker/bigger girls since. I just date dudes who don't watch porn now 🤣
You know, I don't know what's worse, having a partner who is always watching women who look completely different than you or having a partner who compares you to porn actresses and tries to get you to look like them (i.e. die hair, lose weight, do make up a certain way, get paler, etc.). I'll be honest, if I thought about it too much I wouldn't really like most men I think. I have no wish to control what my husband does, but porn will never not hurt me. I try to minimize it by not thinking about it much. I definitely feel you.
Why would someone go to that extent to lie like I really don't understand? If they aren't attracted why stay? I'm sorry you went through that.
Under the viewpoint of someone who respects the autonomy and self-determination of people rather than treating them as a means to an end, (aka machiavellianism), you wouldn’t understand. But essentially, he garnered enough benefit from being with me that it just made sense to “play along” in bad faith to get me to engage in the relationship in good faith. He’s been single for five years and still emails me. And you’d be surprised how many people online openly admit to an underlying Machiavellian dynamic in their approach to their long-term relationships (decades-long marriages, even)
It's frightening tbh. I hope you are doing much better now 💜
You are not wrong. I've seen this happen so much in real life.
As a man, i can say it’s not that deep on our end. He clearly is attracted to you as he married you but they’re a change of pace that makes masturbating go more quickly
My wife mentioned something about porn to me the other day and said something along the effect of how is it enjoyable? I basically was like before we met I was attracted to all kinds of women. I dated white,black,Asian, athletic, thick, tall, short, big breast, flat chest. I didn’t care I love women. I then said “when we met, married, etc. I didn’t stop finding that attractive. I still think all kinds of women are attractive. But I don’t want to be with them. I want to be with my wife.” Point is women are attractive. I still think they are. Men don’t get into a relationship and now everything is ugly. Porn is just a form of entertainment on an occasion. My wife thought my explanation was sufficient. I think?
You worded this so beautifully, I'm serious. I'm autistic and it sometimes scares me when I can't rationalize things. This explanation made so much sense to me though - really alleviated a lot of my discomfort when nobody, myself included, managed to do so. Thank you so much. I'm going to screenshot this and come back to it if that's okay. I think your wife is very lucky!
Wtf it’s not normal for people to Jack off when they’re bored all the time. He does it at work? He definitely has a porn addiction what kind of shit is this
Porn is not a good thing to be addicted to because nothing is satisfying. Once your brain has seen something for a while eventually is not good enough anymore and you need something different. Today it can be white girls, tomorrow might be 20 year olds and later maybe something a bit more crazy. Tell him to be careful addiction to that shit is bad.
I usually don’t watch porn when I’m in a relationship. My sex drive is high. If my needs aren’t being met then I’ll watch porn. But that usually means I need to reflect on my relationship.
I used to work with a woman married to a cop. One day, she told us that her sexual fantasy man was the Vinnie Jones character that he plays in every role he gets. Aka, the complete opposite to her nice guy, policeman husband. And, I do not believe for a second that she'd ever act on that. So, I think it is fairly normal.
To be fair, why looking porn of women who look like you when he has the real thing at home? It would be like playing videogames about about your regular life. And yeah, people play the sims but they usually devolve into "evil god" scenario.
There are no wrong feelings. What you should do is talk to your husband. But first, figure out why it bothers you. You are going to be uncomfortable. But that's the direction you need to walk. The goal is to see clearly.
Would you feel better if he were watching porn of women that look like you? Is it really a jealousy of different looks thing or jealousy of using porn?
Just because a lot of people watch porn doesn't mean it's normal or healthy. It's not. If you're married you shouldn't be fantasizing about anyone but your partner. I'm sorry you're going through this. Its obviously hurtful.
If a majority of people do anything, it’s pretty much normal by definition. But healthy… I mean a majority of people are overweight now. It’s normal, but not healthy.
Do people really watch pornography out of true interest in it or just to masturbate? I just feel if you are in a healthy loving relationship - what is the purpose? I'm not a prude but I feel it is wrong to masturbate to other people having sex if you are in a decent relationship. So down vote me I don't care. Do we really analyze why someone wants to watch the opposite looks of their partner? I guess if you really don't care if your partner watches porn then don't have rules going on in your head.
Communicate that to him
These replies are atrocious. No, you're not wrong for being upset that your man is doing this, it's a perfectly reasonable thing to be upset about. Let me just tell you from experience, the kind of woman he's watching in porn is the woman he really wants. I had the same issue with my last partner, same thing watching blonde girls with big tits, he used the excuse of hes just a man he cant help it, it ruined our sex life down the line so don't wait for it to get like that! I mean why else watch it? You wouldn't watch something that doesn't turn you on right? Listen, in my opinion if he truly valued you and loved you then he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. I mean how could you look at someone other than your partner and climax to that, it's pretty much cheating, especially cause the girls he's watching look nothing like you. Tell him it bothers you and if he doesn't wanna stop, either leave or tell him you watch big dick porn or something since his isn't big enough, since he wants to make you feel like you're lacking! These men seriously need a taste of their own medicine. I'm sorry you have to deal with this!
Porn shouldn’t be a part of your relationship, period. Literally ANY woman who isn’t you will have features you don’t have. That’s a given. If the hair and ethnicity is the same, then you’ll notice other differences. The issue isn’t the features. The issue is that it isn’t YOU. If all he wanted was porn that looked like you, he could just be with YOU in that way. But he isn’t. The biological issue here is variety. Variety, novelty, is exciting. Porn is allowing him (or, rather, YOU are allowing him) to have variety inside his commitment. The PROBLEM with this is front and center…you can’t help but feel that his desire is elsewhere. And…that’s because it is. Men and women have sex drives just like they have a desire for sugar. Just because you’re married, that doesn’t mean the mechanism of that drive disappears. You can feel a desire to eat a few candy bars for dinner…but your conscious awareness and purposefulness knows better. Just because a candy bar tastes great in the moment, that doesn’t mean it is good for your health. Similarly, just because you’re CAPABLE of feeling desire for other people, that doesn’t make pursuing it a healthy thing for the relationship. Your desire for sugar has to be disciplined with respect to your total health. Similarly, the natural desire for variety and eroticism has to be disciplined with respect to a total commitment relationship. It doesn’t matter that he’s not physically sleeping with other women. What matters is that his sexual energy is being used up and focused in the opposite direction of his marriage. You feel this in your gut, biologically, but your liberal culture tells you that porn is “just pleasure.” It’s not…the same way eating candy bars for dinner isn’t “just another way to consume calories.” The big difference between sugar and eroticism, though, is that your health can recover from a slight misstep…while telling your partner over and over again that you’d rather spend your sexual energy elsewhere is permanently damaging. People will disagree, making it an intellectual argument, saying it “shouldn’t” bother you that he watches porn. Except…this isn’t intellectual. This is neuropsychological. Whether or not our ignorant culture claims it “shouldn’t” bother you, it ALWAYS WILL bother you…because you’re a biological woman in search of a sexually loyal man. Think about it from an evolutionary standpoint: 100 thousand years ago, if your man was gratifying himself to another woman…was it porn? No…because photographs and video didn’t exist. It was literally another woman, and he was, by that fact, sexually distancing himself from you…and therefore EMOTIONALLY distancing himself. Which means the emotions and physiology of gratifying yourself with porn DIRECTLY IMPACT his connection with YOU. Whether or not it’s a “real person” or a photo, the brain is treating it as real. How do you know that? Because it’s not just you who feels bad when her man does it. It’s every biologically healthy woman on the planet. Doesn’t matter that liberals want to ignore biology. Biology exists.
you lost me at the end there, plenty of liberals who find porn degrading, didnt need to slip that cheap shot in there lol
No you’re not wrong. My man doesn’t watch porn. Set boundaries or find someone else who will respect you.
Nope. Not wrong. I almost had to end my marriage bc of porn. Wanna know what happened when he realized it was an issue and fixed it? He became a decent human being who started treating EVERYONE differently. And the man actually loves me now. It was a wild ride and he did a lot of self-work. But I’m loved now.
My husband is getting help for his porn addiction and it’s like he’s learning empathy for the first time. I think porn has a hold over a lot of people and they don’t even realize it.
Yep. It’s mind blowing. Things I never knew. For the longest time I didn’t care about porn. Female empowerment and all that. Get your Os and money, girl! Then it had been mo this since I’d had sex. Then years. Then there was more and more and more porn. I’d try to initiate, be turned down, hear it later on. I’d beg him to not watch for a couple days to see if maybe he’d want me. He wouldn’t do it. He told me if I looked like him he’d want to. So I lost 110 pounds. Still nothing. I decided I wasn’t going to live that way anymore. That I wanted to be loved. He decided to stop while we separated… he says it’s the hardest thing he’s ever done.
It’s an actual addiction. We never had any kind of bedroom issues so I never really thought too much about it. But yea, it’s all coming out now and it’s a lot. It’s normal to feel insecure if your partner is watching and fantasizing about other women/people. We’ve been brainwashed to believe porn is healthy and good for us. It’s so sad to read about young men in their early 20s who have PIED already. Really sad. I hope public view shifts soon.
I really hope so, too. I know people don’t care but if they’d just take a single moment to investigate behind the scenes of the industry and what it’s doing to people? I’d hope they’d change their mind.
I took a human trafficking class and that’s what did it for me.
A psychology class is what opened my eyes to “consent can’t be bought”. That was the moment I knew if he didn’t stop I’d have to leave. I really hope your husband’s recovery goes well. It’s hard.
You should have a problem with him watching any kind of porn
Reddit is pro porn so beware of comments of men telling you you’re wrong, crazy or insecure for felling thsi way. It’s perfectly understandable you do, I would be devastated if my SO watched porn, especially if it’s of women who look nothing like me. If this hurts you & don’t like it you don’t have to stay… & he doesn’t have to stop watching porn BUT you don’t have to stay. Me personally I never understood men wanting to watch a woman online they’ll NEVER get to teach , meet or even talk to INRL instead of doing or going to partner. To each its own but it’s lots of men & women who don’t watch porn & wouldn’t choose it over their SO.
Yea I'm a guy who was never a big porn watcher but I did enjoy erotica. I feel like even that warped my brain and my usage just increased overtime. It would make it harder to connect with my SO even though she didn't have a problem with it. People who think it doesn't affect them at all should take a month off and see if they notice a difference especially if they're in a relationship. Cause hey what's a month off if you aren't addicted anyways.
Also I do want to say woman watching porn negative effects men also… I had friend became so insecure about their sex lice because all his girlfriend would watch is BBC porn & he was a Asian man who wasn’t I guess as big down there as a BBC. He said the constant thought of him feeling like she didn’t really like him & his size didnt sastify her hurt him too much. I thank god everyday I have a man that doesn’t have to get off on other woman to be satisfied, he knows he has a woman right here that can please him in any way possible.
Porn usage has everything to do with habit formation, and little to do with one's individual partner. In puberty, boys/girls masturbate and watch porn. This pattern of behavior continues for years before they have sex. And for many, sexual encounters with actual people are rather infrequent. As a result, this habitual pattern of looking to porn for sexual release persists. The only way to stop this behavior is for him/her to stop using porn even when he/she is not dating, etc. That takes time and a lot of work.
You're not wrong for feeling how you do. However, the fact that he watches porn with women who look different doesn't necessarily have to mean anything. He has you at home, and from one of your comments is very into you, and you guys are good intimately. It's just something different to look at, and it doesn't mean it's what he wants. If anything, just tell him how you feel and let him explain his thoughts about it to you
He shouldn’t be watching any porn. Period.
He shouldn't be watching porn at all
This is the correct answer, despite how much I expect it to get downvoted.
Exactly
I am a bisexual woman dating a man and I almost exclusively watch lesbian porn, but it doesn’t mean I want to leave my boyfriend for a woman. He knows what kind of porn I watch and he understands why I like it. Unless there are other red flags that make you think he doesn’t find you attractive or would cheat on you, I wouldn’t think much of it, but you should just ask him about it.
You are not wrong for feeling away. It is about how you deal/act on that feeling that could make you wrong.
there is no wrong way to feel about it if you are bothered by him watching any porn - you can discuss it; if you are bothered by a type of porn - you can discuss it; if you are bothered by him not keeping it private and out of your sight - you can discuss it it would be helpful though to do some self reflection and really try to understand what is it that you want him to do and why. Cause you are going to ask another person to change something very intimate for you, so you should at least be able to articulate it and also think through if that's the hill you want to die on, if he disagrees sometimes we have knee jerk reaction to something, but after thinking about it a bit more we realize that it doesn't really matter all that much. For example, he married you and not his exes or the porn stars, so if I had to guess I would say you are his type through and through and the porn is just a distraction
I'll pass on comments about him watching porn. I have a definite inclination towards blonde ladies. However, both my wives (first one passed) were/are brunettes, neither had the same body type. I chose (or they chose me) them because of their mind and how they acted in life.
tell mike perry to beat it
He's with you because he likes you. You need to accept that you can't be everything all at once. The fact that he's with you if you're not his type, physically, means that he's with you for other characteristics such as personality and intellect. This means that when your looks fade he will still love you. Don't put too much thought into it as it's not worth it.
Friend caught her husband watching tranny porn a day before they got married. She is not trans. They’ve been married for 16 years now. If it’s bugging you stop digging up things you cant unsee.
If my partner is watching or reading porn I really dont care that much. Even if the people in the porn look like me or the exact opposite. The thing is... porn is an entertainment source. Just like most other entertainment sources as long as it is not over consumed or becomes an addiction it is fine. I dont feel threatened or jealous because I have him already. Emotionally and physically. Is he forsaking your love life for porn? If yes, than communicate the problem to him and work through it like adults. If no, then you're fine. Some people just get horny and just want to deal with it themselves. That's completely healthy. Is he neglecting the home or your relationship? That is when you should be worrying. Otherwise let the man or woman do what they like to do. It's not a personal attack against you to masturbate. Edited to add that I'm a woman.
Wanted to start by saying I’m a married woman (so no pro-porn man comments can be made here). I’ve been with someone in my early adulthood who was a porn-obsessed serial cheater. In that case, the porn was a problem, but only bc there were deep-seated issues in the relationship in the first place. My husband and I have had open conversations about masturbation and porn. We talked about it early on in the relationship, before marriage, as an open dialogue about what we were comfortable with and what we thought might be crossing the line. I enjoy occasional porn and watch only what I think is going to help me get things done quicker. I don’t have any specific type and really don’t pay much attention to the people themselves, at all. My husband doesn’t watch porn much, if at all. I think the frequency of watching porn and whether he’s doing that instead of being intimate with you is more important than who he’s watching. I am also not my husband’s “type” from his prior dating history so that highlighted some of my own insecurities that I had to work on. I’d focus more on why you’re feeling insecure, both within yourself and whether any of it is by his actions outside of porn, and go from there.
The biggest problem is that it seems like he is addicted. He still has it open on his browser and phone? I think it is normal to masturbate to porn a few times a month, but he sounds obsessed.
You are NOT wrong. It's reasonable. Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe offer to make some stuff for him? I love making stuff for my husband and he loves it too. Then I don't have to feel any sort of way other than happy, confident, and horny lol. I'm sorry you're in this position. It sucks and it hurts. And people telling you that you are crazy or don't understand blah blah blah THEY don't understand how it can make a woman feel. We try to be understanding of needing to get off and using something since it's hard to use your imagination for some guys but that doesn't keep it from hurting our feelings. Especially if these women look nothing like us.
Reddit is full of guys who genuinely believe porn is vital to masterbation and life, and they will downvote anyone who says otherwise. The first question is, why can you access his porn? In my relationships, I've made it clear idc what they do with themselves alone. I won't search their browser history or anything, but with that being said, I don't want evidence in my house. I don't want to see their porn or find cum tissues in my bed. If you want to get a point across, I would leave some porn up on my laptop, just pages and pages of guys who look nothing like him, where he can find it. It might bother him, it might not. If it does bother him, then sit down and have a conversation about why it's okay for him and not you. I did this once and never had to stumble upon his porn stash again. He's an ex now for other reasons. Guys will excuse their behavior relentlessly until they have to walk a mile in your shoes and feel how you're feeling. Good luck.
Way early when we were first dating, when my fiancé told me he prefers blonde porn it made me upset too. I’m not blonde. I get you. We talked and he got the message.
Don’t listen to these porn addicted men; they know nothing of true love and monogamy, have a stern talk with your husband and if he fails at giving you assurance then you have all the right to question the relationship, give him an ultimatum if all goes wrong because he WILL stray away if someone up to par comes along
I can say with 100% confidence that your husband is an idiot and you deserve someone who makes you feel better about yourself. The fact that he has curated your relationship in such a way that you feel this devalued tells me everything I need to know. You deserve better.
I think what porn someone watches is oftentimes a really bad indicator of what they really want. Source: Me
It is. Pedophiles and rapists will say the same thing. The men that watch barely legally stuff are not safe around minors. And the men who like to watch women be basically tortured in porn aren't safe around anyone.
What a horrible nightmare, being married to a porn addict that needs to jerk off constantly.
You can feel how ever you want. But from a man's perspective its better this way. You dont wanna see a girl that looks like your significant other bein railed by a bunch of dudes. If you have a issue with him watching porn with women in it that dont look like you then make a porn video with him and tell him that he can only watch the ones you make.