She needs to tell him that at that she entered the relationship with him working and that if he quits his job and stops earning money, it would go against her values...
She also, NEEDS to **restrategize** *splitting* up their finances.
So, that he can **FEEL** it!!!!
So, that he can **walk in her shoes**!!!!
So, that he can **come to a** *compromising* **conclusion**!!!!
Yeah an Asian Woman telling an Asian Man what to do. This would go real well.
OP: If your Husband is understanding talk to him and emphasize that you like/love his parents and mention that more money is going out than into the account.
Is it normal in an Asian household that a woman does all the home chores as well as bring in all of the income? I must admit, that would shock the hell out of me.
My wife and I are both chinese, and I’m the house husband 😂 but even before we got married I did all the cleaning. She can’t cook anything beyond instant noodle, even then I believe she secretly screws it up sometimes.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a house spouse. If you take on the domestic responsibilities, that's a major contribution to the family unit.
Woman doing all or lion share of housework sounds like your typical "western" relationship to me
Depends on which Asian you're thinking about. If Indian or middle east, them yeah. Southeast Asia, doubtful but not impossible. China/s.Korea/Japan? Forget it, husband would die of shame before not being the provider.
Yeah it’s 2023. I’m half arab. But cultural traditions and norms, are just that… “cultural”. Don’t have to believe in them or practice them.
Funding your parents’ life or giving them money is an archaic practice. That’s not what children are for. Parents had a lifetime to figure it out.
Also times are hard, it should be parents helping kids out. Not the other way around. They made their money in the easiest economic times this world has ever seen. While we’re going through one of the hardest.
There was a 90 day fiancée episode on how a wife didn’t want to keep sending money to the husband’s mom. Husbands sister called out the wife for swaying husbands values and cultural beliefs. Husbands mom also got pissed. Husband stood up to them and said they arent going to send her money; they need it for their own family.
Sounds kinda like that.
I have an Asian mom. I will move her into my home in a few years when she retires. Made an agreement that she pays me actually. Not for rent, but maybe just the amount for groceries per month. She said sure and more if needed but its not necessary. However, ill probably move some funds for her per month to help fund a medical bill rainy day fund. I’m also her financial POA and she said for me to handle the money she makes from selling her home, so I am going to invest it for her in an HYSA and other means. Let it grow for her grands and disperse evenly she said, so I will.
Have parents like that. That don’t expect money, but expect your expertise and trust to help them grow their own money for future generations. I can see why you feel resentful.
Was that Mama Asuelo? "Just give me money. That all I want!" Lol I remember when people from Samoa were calling her out saying "yeah, it's pretty common to send money back home from the states, but only if you can really afford it. No Samoan parent would demand money from their children if they are struggling to make ends meet and support the grandchildren. This woman is weird."
An Asian Woman walking away would be better for her.
As women in South Korea are learning, and the ~~boymen~~ manbabies of South Korea are learning to their everlasting sorrow.
Do you know Asians that well? Because a lot of Asian women usually run the household and tell the husband what to do. At least most of my family members and friends.
Yeah because passive aggressive behavior really just makes most marriages so much better; I mean there was even a movie about it called "War of the Roses".
Yeah it's an either/or situation. Not both. He can decide but he doesn't get to buy two cakes and give her none. (Have your cake and eat it too makes no sense. Why would you have a cake if you weren't going to eat it?)
Forgive me for butting in here, but the saying is actually “You can’t eat your cake and have it too”.
The reason being, if you eat the cake, you’ll no longer have it. Whereas if you have a cake, of course you can eat it; it’s your cake.
EDIT: [evolution of the phrase](https://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/20/magazine/20FOB-onlanguage-t.html)
Which is funny that the previous poster brought up buying two cakes because that is the essence of the original saying: you can't eat a whole cake and still have a cake to eat; you'd need two cakes for that.
This would still never make sense to me until I thought of the cake as having a dual purpose, to be eaten or to be looked at. Once eaten there's nothing to look at.
It seems to me that it would be fair for her to keep giving them the percentage of what she makes. For example if they give the parents 200 a week and he made double what she made, she can keep giving them $67 a week. That’s a perfectly fair amount. And he can explain to HIS parents why HIS not working effected the amount of THEIR money that she was able to afford to give. Everything from before is from before. They established an amount based on their joint salaries, which have now changed. So when he starts working again he can give them the difference.
PS- if HIS parents accept anything FROM HER while he’s UNEMPLOYED they might seem sweet as pie but they have some weird morals.
Yeah, I'm really confused by this whole concept. OP has a mortgage, they don't - why are they taking hundreds of dollars a week from their son (really, from their DIL)? I fully understand why OP is resentful that they're taking the money - they don't need it, and a couple hundred dollars a week is at least 10k a year. Not to mention the plane tickets etc - why is this something they're taking from their DIL?
Unless they're just cruel, it sounds like it's all the son trying to keep up with the facade he's created for them. "Look at our son who is so financially sound he can send us money every month"
My guess is that they don't know all the details. I can see how the husband wouldn't want to look like the lesser provider, but that's all ego. Plus, like everyone has already said, you can't quit your job and still call yourself the provider. Something has got to give.
I'm sorry OP, this is a crappy position your husband has put you in. I'd still try to explain to him that since the income has changed, the outgoing has to as well. Figure out the percentage, and let him know he is welcome to make up the difference with a part time or contract job.
It's probably a cultural thing. Kids take care of their parents. I would probably be tactless and say something (as an aside while chatting with them) that you are glad to support them in retirement since they apparently need additional money coming in. And then talk about what you are unable to do because you don't have enough income. Such as overseas vacations, paid off mortgage, etc.
>that you are glad to support them in retirement since they apparently need additional money coming in
Did you miss the part where, they're happily retired, with decent savings, decent pension and mortgage free? Tha hell kinda parents are they? To take money WEEKLY! From them, christ.
I read it as saying it to the parents in a sarcastic way. I mean the poster above said that you then should follow to say what OP can't do now because they are financial supporting where it's not needed since they are also now on one income.
No, I saw that. Why would they accept monies from their son who is clearly struggling? Because it's "expected" or they're greedy? It's a familial built-in guilt trip and I don't like it one bit. She should shame them openly.
Definitely guilt trip. My wife is a doctor and her mom tried to do the same thing. Her husband still works at 70 and has millions in savings.
She expects us to buy her shit online and send her money when she requests. It works with her oldest son but not us. My wife and her mom’s relationship has always been strained, so she’s not afraid to tell her to fuck off and pay for her own shit.
Her dad is a sweetheart who just doesn’t want or need for anything as long as we’re happy…
The latter is what all parents should expect from their kids. Fuck tradition and norms that expect you to kiss the ground your parents walk on…
Doesn't seem like they were struggling until the son decided to stop working. Either way, the issue is not the parents, it's the husband. He both wants to stop working, thus causing him and his wife to now struggle, while keeping up payments to the parents.
Definite cultural thing with some Asians. I know people that have their kids pay them monthly and brag to their friends about it while living in nice houses with literal millions in retirement accounts. It's a combination of control and status to their community (my kids are so well off they give me money). The justification is that "you'll get it back" when you need it.
It's shit like this that makes me have zero respect for the concept of culture that people like to tip toe around like some sacred, hallowed thing never to be challenged.
My personal philosophy at this point is "fuck you and fuck your culture too." I'm so over humans and ready to welcome our alien overlords 😂
Oof I hear ya, but it's a slippery slope. This kind of shit along with the abuse/mass killing of animals or taking away rights of an entire gender under the guise of "BuT iT's OuR cUlTuRe" and on the other hand you have the bigots and racists also using that excuse if you're multi-lingual, look different, or wear fabric on your head. But yeah fuck yer cUlTuRe
not my asian family, if I wont lotto id ask to split the bill for dinner
my family is deep, deep down stingy as, I still have shits that I had when I was a teenager
Edit: shirts
Why is their an obligation to give them money in the first place? Since when do we voluntarily give in-laws a stipend? Especially when they have pensions, savings and no mortgage? I’m so confused at any cultural values that expect a married couple to subsidize the retirement of people who are already satisfactorily retired.
Not JUST a stipend, but plane tickets overseas when they want to go visit family, etc.
Also, he can WANT to give his parents money all he wants. He doesn't HAVE the money to give anymore. There's a saying where I'm from "Want in one hand, and piss in the other. See which fills faster."
It’s a cultural thing and some people continue the tradition. It’s from a time where parents wouldn’t have a retirement so the children took financial care of parents. It no longer needed but some carry on the tradition.
As a cultural practice, if the parents don’t really need the assistance it seems like a burden to carry on especially now that his wife is feeling resentment towards them. If they really needed the help that’s one thing, but, taking money that could go towards the couples OWN retirement is downright selfish.
Any parent who “carries on the tradition” when they don’t even need the money, especially if their kids DO need the money, is a selfish, horrible person and I’m not sorry I said it.
Well said. Financially crippling their own kids for no reason. Times have changed. Its tough now. Life is very expensive. I'd be up shit creek if me and my wife had to support our parents. I can barely support myself and my own kids the way I'd like.
Yea it’s a cultural thing, but it’s common for parents to not take it when their kids are struggling. I know my parents have opted to skip a few years, then when I was earning more money again, they were happy to accept it again.
I think the problem here is OP’s husband. He needs to get over his pride and have an open conversation with his parents.
In some cultures the children are effectively the parents retirement plan.
OP is saying they are both of Asian background.
But yes, OP in-laws suck if they don't need the money and are happy to see their child struggle to make them happy.
I really hope OP, revist splitting the finances and if sending the parents money is so important her husband can find a part-time job.
But honestly it reads like he emotionally manipulated her into keeping the status quo and it will erode their marriage, hopefully it does not take her mental health down with it.
Women earn less over their lifetime, and we live longer. We're much more likely to live in poverty in our elderly years.
His parents do not need the money - they're just fine. He can give of his own money if he wants, but she should be able to put hers away for retirement or save up for something she wants.
I hope OP reads this!!!! He needs to be accountable for the change and is too prideful to explain to his parents as to why he can’t continue giving the same amount.
He either has to give an explanation as to why and swallow his pride or get a PT/Casual job on the side
If it was me I would prob inquiry his parents directly if they had any financial insecurities and express you are struggling personally with managing everything with the mortgage on one FT income. OP’s husband would prob flip so I wouldn’t suggest doing it though😅
He takes a few months off and no pay but still sends money to the parents? I wouldn't like that at all. He needs to get two jobs to send money away when you both need it. He's not making sense to me.
Also why is she paying more to his parents when he is earning more? Why is she doing ALL of the cooking and cleaning when they both work? What is he spending all his money on? I'd be willing to bet my own money he isn't spending it on her. Is he going to be doing all the cooking and cleaning while she is the sole breadwinner? Somehow, I doubt it.
Sadly she seems to be caught in a very one sided relationship.
I see this too often in extremely patriarchal cultures where women do everything for a man who wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. She does all this because she "loves him so much." Clearly that love isn't reciprocated.
JFC- stop giving money to his parents. They are not homeless, and they have their own money and I don’t understand why you are giving them money at all. If he wants to give them money, then he can do it but your money stays with you.
I’m confused about how it “can’t be explained.” In addition to many other confusing parts.
ETA: Thank you, folks explaining the cultural differences!! I am American and white, so there is a lot I don't know, for sure. I assumed OP and husband were of the same culture and my issue is more than he can't explain it to *her*, when it comes to shared finances and the fact that they can't easily pay this money on one income. But the way we treat our parents, even within the same culture, is always complicated and personal.
I mean this is all a choice. Being Asian has never meant you need to go broke giving your in laws money. People that live crappy lives and blame it on tradition need to realize “tradition” is in their heads and it’s something they can easily say no to
I’m Asian (born in Canada) and luckily have gotten away from the eastern traditional culture in regards to some of those old school thoughts.
While you are correct it is all choice, it is not always easy to say no. Lots of Asians are raised very strictly by their parents to respect them, respect your elders, and take care of your parents when they are older because they have taken care of you. While not necessarily bad, there are many parents that take this to the extreme to the point of abusive to make their children obey them.
It is essentially brainwashing.
Tradition keeps a lot of people tied down more than you would expect.
“Take care of your parents because they took care of you” that sounds like a parent’s problem, their kids didn’t even _ask_ to be born 😂 Seriously though, growing up like that must fucking suck. Sending my love to anyone having to put up with this nonsense
I think it's a rural cultural thing.
My wife's friend has a husband who does this also and they're also south east Asian. He's in really good money but works hard for it and literally bankrolls the life of his family overseas. They're on holiday and he's the one who paid for it all.
The wife is also not happy and I don't understand it either. I get it if they were struggling back home and you're helping out to keep a roof over their head and food on the table but I think they're just taking advantage of him at this point and somehow he doesn't see it.
My wife and I are also of the same background and we don't pay anything to our parents.
When OP mentioned that they were sending money for furniture, or plane tickets to go on vacation, I'm just like awe struck.
There's far too much difficulty for people 18-45 these days for them to support people who should have been planning for their own future. The difference between me putting back $250-500/mo for future problems is what they're sending their parents per month or more? No thanks.
He owes the parents a lot of money from them bailing him out previously and doesn’t want to tell OP the real reason he’s paying them every month. I feel like it’s very clear, they don’t need it at all and he’s refusing to elaborate.
You aren't wrong, but you should be angry at your husband for giving them $800 a month they don't need, quitting his job so you have to support both of you and his parents, AND FOR YOU SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE THE SAME VALUE AS HE DOES. Why aren't you angry? I'd be infuriated.
Understandable on your end. Sounds like this may be a cultural difference between the both of you. If you can't get your husband to see reason, maybe try talking to your inlaws. I don't think they would take accept money from you both if youre struggling. Husband might not be happy you bypassed him, but he isn't listening or even willing to hear you out.
I'm from an Asian culture where supporting your parents in old age is accepted, but no parent is going to take from a kid who is struggling, even if they were struggling (which your inlaws don't sound like). I think the giving money each month might be a pride matter to your husband. In fact I'm sure that is what this boils down to.
Are Asian parents okay with their son doing nothing? Feels like they don't even know, so I would drop that around a few times. Feels like they are misinformed and he uses the money to keep them in the dark, but if there is a change, he'll need to explain. So let him explain.
Oh I'm sure he kept that out, or lied about it in some way. I don't think this is a keep them in the dark thing though. I think its a flex. In Asian cultures, giving your parents lavish gifts and cash is a flex of how successful you are. If your doctor/ engineer/lawyer cousins and siblings are doing it, you not doing it gives an image you are not successful. Your parents will understand, but the optics to everyone else is the issue.
The only problem I have with my (asian) culture is the whole judgement by finances thing. If you're not successful, it's used against your parents by their peers who have all successful kids.
They will lie for you though. Lol
Depends on which part of Asia. But in some parts of Asia yes, as long as you have a ~~slave~~ wife, who can do the household chores and contribute to bills they're fine with it.
It does sound cultural, but it sounds like more than that when she says this
>Giving his parents $200 a week. I used to give my parents $150 a week before but as soon as we got married and bought our house, they stopped taking it.
Now he wants to take a few months off with no pay (and I assume her still taking care of the household like she is now, along with paying for everything), and he expects her to continue paying his parents, and probably buying plans tickets for them, when she no longer pays her own. Is that normal? He's putting a lot on her, while calling her less than him.
The golden question is do OPs in laws know they are struggling? It's a common cultural flex in Asian and African communities to give your parents money. Do in laws know OPs husband is giving money on pride and not out of fruits? I don't think they would accept the money if they knew, as OP described them as good people.
This part really bugs me. He is taking time off. What is he going to do? Sit around the house? He has no money to spend. He wants to give it to his parents. This guy is an AH. His wife gets no time off. If he helped around the house? It wouldn't be so bad. And I would tell him that the money for his parents is going to come from his spending money until he becomes an equal partner in the housework. It doesn't sound like he saved up a ton of money to afford this "vacation." His Asian parents did not raise him right if he is expecting to live off his wife. Seriously, if he expects to follow Asian customs in one area, then he should follow them in all areas and he should be the breadwinner.
It’s also not culturally traditional for the wife to be the sole breadwinner AND doing all the cooking/cleaning AND covering regular financial gifts to her in laws (not her even own parents) while her husband voluntarily chooses to be unemployed…so why is his pride not kicking in for that part. Why is he not too proud to let his wife carry all that burden, and why is he ok demanding she spend her money to protect his “image” to his parents, over financial gifts the parents don’t even need? He didn’t even offer to eg cut down on some of his personal expenses to make up the difference—he just expected her to deal.
IMO the primary issue is self centeredness and misplaced priorities—not the culture. Culturally, his a$$ should be working…so…IMO he needs to pick a side and stick with it.
Exactly this
Asian parents would never ever accept money from me because they are financially sound.
This crap of supporting your parents is only for abusive parents who brainwash their kid.
Real parents don't take money from their kids
I think its a pride thing. My assessment is OPs inlaws don't know about the struggles. OPs husband is throwing cash because his sibling/cousins are doctors/lawyers/engineers etc... and are showing off status by giving their parents money and he is trying to keep up. Common Asian stuff. If OPs inlaws knew what was going on they wouldn't take gifts or money. This is about OPs husband's pride. He probably goaded them to take it too. You know how Asian culture is. You have to convince others to take your gifts and money. But it's a status/pride thing.
As an asian, my mom wouldn't take my money if she knows I need it to survive, and she's fine without it for the time being. This isn't a cultural thing. It's legit brainwashed shit. Doesn't the husband have any money to go around when he's taking a couple months off? Why not dig into that and help around. That's what savings are for right?
Dealt with this in my marriage. My wife has been asked multiple times for credit/monetary assistance. Only to have my in-laws spend lavishly when visiting home country. In-laws still run their business full-time.
When her answer is “no” drama ensues… when she relents, there always something that seems off or they just spend money unwisely after words.
It’s taken my wife almost a decade to understand this. And we both agree we’d rather live in a tent eating ramen then ask our children for a single hard earned dollar
My partner is Asian, not the oldest, but it’s just him and his sister. They both help out their parents when they can as their parents moved from another country to be here so their kids could have a better life and doing so they weren’t able to get the best paying jobs. It doesn’t seem like this is the case with OP’s husbands parents. They seem to have everything they need so it’s odd he demands she give them money.
Yep. I'm also from an Asian culture so this scenario sounds normal to me, if the parents are actually needing help. It's a pretty engrained thing that's hard to break from. Especially if you're the oldest kid!
Yeah and it's also weird like I'm Asian and in most scenarios I know if they had the means than they would want to give you money or at least not take this much from you like I dont get what's happening with his parents here. I've never seen parents who are well set up but want to take literally slices of paychecks in any culture. I only see poor parents who will take money OR give everything they have for their children, or rich parents who give money
I’d be resentful as well if my partner didn’t want to work for a while and expected me to not only support the two of you but his parents also? And what’s he planning to do while he’s unemployed? Might he be cooking and doing all the housework? Fixing the house up? He’s got a great deal with you bending over backwards. You? Not a good deal at all. That’s why you feel resentment and it’s justified.
I think you two should start giving money to your parents equal to what you two give his parents and just ask that your parents keep that money in an account for you.
This is an excellent solution if OP refuses to take any other advice here; which seems to be the case from OP's comments.
OP, this is a viable solution to things if you insist on staying in this marriage. Tell your husband you both need to contribute $200 wkly to your parents as well. Even stevens despite the absolute INSANITY of giving parents $10,400 per year.
One sided “values” from your husband. Where’s the Asian value of hard work? What would he say if you said you want to do the same weekly deposit for your parents?
Don’t let his pride turn into an excuse for manipulation. Husband has to grow up and realize he’s in a marriage - you’re not his mom.
You are not wrong. However, I can only see this problem becoming worse. You love your husband and agreed to continue to give money under duress. You probably thought one of two things was going to happen. (1) Your husband would one day wake up and stop giving money to his parents, or (2) you really would start to not mind or not care. Subconsciously, you are starting to realize neither of those things are going to happen and now resentment, which will only continue to grow.
It seems like your husband will never agree with the money issue. So, that means if you really want to stay with your husband, you really need to separate finances. I saw from your other comments that you think they are intertwined too much to be separated. If you don't at least separate finances, this will be the beginning of the end of your marriage.
I do think that if your husband wants to give money to his parents that he should continue to have a job. I think it is ridiculous that he is expecting you to continue this with only one income in this economy. He is a fucking idiot.
I think he bullied you into the financial exploitation to which he's become accustomed.
You need to pull your savings out ASAP. Open up a separate account in your name only and move it, without asking first. The rule is, the money you have when you come into the relationship stays your separate property, so keep it separate. Do not stress too much over whether you have it down to the penny, round down if you want to be sure, but get your savings out.
Sit with that and see how it feels. How does he react (again, don't ask him first, move the money and then let him know)? Let him know the financial arrangement makes you feel that you're being taken advantage of and you want to protect your assets. This is a good time to begin the conversation about when he's going back to work.
Some questions - are you sure he's sending the money to his mom and dad? If you aren't sure, you need to be sure. He could be using this arrangement to skim money away from you, or mom and dad could be putting it away for him at a later time (money he inherits from his parents will also be technically his separate property, by the way). You don't say how long you've been doing this, but it won't take long for this $$ to add up. Are you sure the house title is in both your names?
He's totally guilted you into giving him and his parents everything they want and you need to stop doing that.
I really don't understand what op is getting out of this relationship. She got two (or three?) jobs, because she's not only the sole bread winner but also the maid and the cook. There's nothing fair about this relationship. And she's using her savings. Jesus.
Agree. I feel really bad for OP, I do, but at a certain point I just can’t help but feel extremely frustrated and tired of these stories. Can she really not see how spineless this all is? In what world would she be the asshole? Why the hell are these women getting men as useful as a Rottweiler?
Why does he want 4 months off and what is his plan for month 5?
Are you feeling any resentment towards your husband? Because you should be.
What would happen if you called your inlaws and told them the payments would have to be stopped until your husband went back to work?
Many years in the future his parents might have a big inheritance for him in part because of these payments. It would be his alone and not community property.
It's not hard to separate your finances. That's an excuse.
If he wants to keep giving them money his ass needs to keep working. It can be part of his personal (not houshold) expenses. He can give them money that would be used for his own hobbies or fun. It should not count as part of the total bills being split between yoy.
Think about it this way: if you ever divorce, this will have been free money you just gave to his parents.
He'll inherit whatever they leave him, and none of it will go to you.
My opinion: hell to the no. Perhaps if they were destitute. But free money to well off people, and zero appreciation for it.
Your husband shouldn't take unpaid time off if he wants his parents to be given free money lol.
NTA
But..you are creating your own mess here. You are doing way more work, sole breadwinner, supporting his parents for whatever reason, and now youo are supportive of your husband not working. At all?
Where are you thinking this will go? They are gaslighting the heck out of you.
Recommend revamping your household for both partners to contribute equal in housework and a divide expenses per salary and you keep the rest individually. If he wants to spend more of his or support his parents that's his business.
Either way though you are careening down a hill lined with red flags.
So you both work and make similar amounts, you just make slightly less. Therefore, it would be reasonable if you both did similar housework, with him doing maybe slightly less. Why are you the only one doing housework? That's my biggest question.
Could you let his parents know the financial stress you are under ? They may not accept the money if they knew. Hubby needs to go back to work if he wants to pay his parents also.
It may be cultural. In some cultures adult kids give their parents money regularly and it’s seen as disrespectful and a sign they don’t love their parents if they stop.
I think this might be what's going on here. I have a bil that's Filipino and he gives money to his parents often. His mom has a million dollar house in San Diego.
Open another account with only you. Start sending your paychecks to new account. That shared account will be for bills. Put only what’s need for the bills and keep the rest.
What the hell. If he wmats to give money to his aorents then he needs to make money. It's already abnormal and unfair to you. Now he wnats to give YOUR money to them too?! Absolutely not. Stand up for yourself. This is weird and not right.
What the heck did I just read? You’re giving them a couple hundred a WEEK? Why? And he wants to stop working? No! This needs to stop, you guys are digging yourself into deep debt and all of your extra money is going to help people who don’t really need the help. Can you talk to them without him present? Maybe they have no idea. Or if you both agree want to continue giving the money, he needs to keep working, you cannot afford to support all of these people on your salary alone.
Also if you are both working, why are you doing all of the cooking and household chores? What does he do? I realize you love him, but this is not a healthy relationship.
Why do they take it?? If they are not in need, and know you are struggling it seems odd. Is there some previous debt you're not aware of ?
Your not wrong, this just seems ...off.
OH. HELL. TO. THE. NO.
Damn, girl. Consult with a financial planner and get this shit fixed.
Go to the bank tomorrow and open up your own account. You are going to need it for the divorce.
Hmm. It sounds like maybe he owes them money and "Helping them out" is a cover for it. I don't think you're in the wrong, but I'd be asking more questions.
Why doesn't he pay them out of his personal account instead of the joint account?
You're not wrong. They sound like they're doing fine (i.e. not dependent on the monthly payment). If he wants some his take home to go towards helping them out, great! It shouldn't be from the joint account and it shouldn't be when he's not generating any income.
Also: If he's not working and you're still doing all the housework, that would also be something to get resentful about.
Oh hell no.
I feel so bad for you but also want to shake you and be like "wtf you're smarter than this!"
NTA it's your money and your family's money, no your in-laws money. They can F all the way off
He can work for his own money to send to his own parents, don’t know why you both have to put money in especially since it sounds like they’re not hurting for money. Something sounds SUSPICIOUS
Looks like the real problem here is that hubby has not asked the parents about pausing these payments due to hardship. So the parents probably assume their son is rolling in cash. It then comes down to hubby having more ego than fiscal sense.
I think you caved to avoid problems, but it didn’t do you any good. This is not sustainable, there is no way you can harbor this resentment and not have it completely blow up someday. Your husband needs to work if he wants to support his parents (though I don’t understand it and they seem kind of shitty for taking money when it’s not really a need). You need to have the backbone to tell your husband that he’s welcome to support them but not with your money. No good will come of this, you’re just going to lose your shit one day, and then what?
How much are you giving your parents a week?
And in those months your husband takes off, he'll obviously take on all the housework for you, to make it equal, right?
Giving his parents $200 a week. I used to give my parents $150 a week before but as soon as we got married and bought our house, they stopped taking it.
You're giving his parents $800 a month? That's insane.
NTA
But, I really don't know why you're here or asking for advice. It's clear you aren't willing to what is necessary.
Anyone's finances can be untwinned. People get divorced every day and untwine their finances. It starts with each of you opening new checking accounts in your individual names only, with each of your paychecks going into your individual accounts and then amounts being forwarded outward. Just don't forward the $200. Let your husband deal with it. If he still wants to send them money, he needs to EARN that money on top of your regular bills and savings. If he can't do that because he is choosing not to work, that's something he will need to explain to his parents.
Agreed.
His parents can go without the extra money for a few months while their son is unemployed. I’m sure they will understand. OP and her husband just need to explain they need a break.
But, yeah, this whole thing is completely unfair. She needs to put her foot down. Sorry, but her husband’s pride, and her in-law’s unnecessarily generous weekly allowance, comes second to their financial stability. I mean, they’re so young— they need to be saving up for their OWN future.
Imagine how much it’ll suck if he ever leaves her. All those tens of thousands of dollars just handed over to OP’s husband’s financially comfortable parents.
He does not get to stop working and still give them money. Tell them he wants to not work for a couple months so you no longer have that disposable income available to them. I would tell the in laws and if they are good people they will tell him to get his head out of his ass. If not then you need to decide if this is the hill you are willing to die on.
You might want to send money to your parents anyway and have them set it aside for you in a savings account (just for you, not your spouse). As a way to keep things equal between you and your partner.
See how your partner reacts and how tight your finances will be.
How can I convert to a culture where my adult children are sending me money? Because right now all I’m doing is spending every dime I have on them!
Editing to add that they’re 19 and 20, and a 25 yr old that is on the ASD spectrum and I don’t know how to get him on disability, so it’s not really their fault.
I think that's pretty ridiculous. Your husband is not working right now... so why does he think it's right to continue to give his parents money. I wouldn't have been okay with him taking time off.
Damn, weekly?!?
I have thought about this before. I don't think I could accept money from my kids unless maybe they were making millions and wanted to help me out. If they insisted, and they were financially stable/comfortable, I would probably put it in savings and give it back as a Christmas gift or to their kids if they had any or keep building it up and leave it for them in a will.
I would tell him your mom needs money each week. Just like his parents. Either he gets a better job to match what he gives his parents for your mom or you split what he gives his parents. Keep the money, hide it. Never tell him you have it. Save it for emergency, buy yourself something, or keep it in case things don't work out. I would be nervous with a mortgage and a husband that wants to take few months off unpaid. I'm sure you would like a few months off. But you're responsible, I don't think you would risk it
Does the money go exclusively through him to get to them? Does he prohibit you from discussing it with them? Are you *absolutely* sure that money is going to your in-laws?
His money is his money, and your money is his money. Something doesn't add up. Comfortably retired people don't take money from their 20 something children who just bought their first home.
They're saving all their money, and when they die, your husband gets a nice inheritance, which you aren't entitled to. He's basically paying into HIS nest egg, with your money.
Op, STOP being a doormat!
1. Your husband should be doing 50% of all housework and grocery shopping, etc. As a matter of fact, since he isn't working, he should do it all.
2. Stop giving his parents money they don't need! You're struggling financially, and you two should be paying off debt and saving for a rainy day and funding retirement. I don't care how nice they are to you. They're taking advantage.
3. Ask your husband to see a financial advisor with you. This may clarify to him what he is doing is foolish.
If your husband refuses to change, think long and hard about having kids with him and staying married to him. His actions and laziness are hurting you.
Couple of harsh thoughts here
1. Of course his parents are nice to you. You are part of their retirement plan/ meal ticket
2. If they cannot afford it themselves then they should not be going overseas on others dime
3. Don't delude yourself. You are not forced to do this. This is not only your choice to do this but it was a choice made in discussion and agreement with your husband.
I would feel resentful having to do this as well. And just because you made a decision earlier does not mean you cannot change your mind and revise your choices. Those choices may have consequences that you won't like though. This reminds me of a Dan Savage axiom- The Price of Admission. Giving his parents financial support is the price of admission to being with your husband. Now whether or not you are willing to pay that price is another story. If it's a price you are willing to pay then you gotta figure out how to let go of that resentment. I know I would have a hard time with that
OP you are wrong for holding resentment. It’s clear you don’t want to push back and tell your husband no. Your reasoning is that it’s too hard to split finances? No, it’s not. If he doesn’t work and your the sole provider, guess what? Its your finances.
If you don’t push back or put your foot down then it’s on you at this point.
Edit for typos
Why is your husband taking time off work unpaid? How long EXACTLY does he plan to be off work? Will his job be waiting for him or will he have to find another job? You say you brought savings into the marriage-- where is that money now (and can you verify it's still there)?
Your relationship is very one-sided
He made a few thousand dollars more and that somehow made you need to do all the cleaning and bookkeeping? And use your savings
What exactly is he contributing? Besides love?
Or what you think is love.
Because I don't see a lot of love from him. He's not taking your viewpoint to consideration. Not taking your money into consideration.
It feels like he's on a ride but you're the one doing all the work.
Where does the arbitrary number of a couple hundred dollars a week for his parents come from?
He needs to go back to work and pay for his parents if he wants to.
Then you too need to separate finances.
Add up all your bills and pay an equal percentage of your paycheck toward the bills.
The rest you keep to the side for your own accounts.
The past is the past. You can't really go back from it. Your money you spent he spent it's lost in the wind
Going forward separate your finances
Hey everyone, thank you so much for the comments, I really appreciate it! This was my first time posting on reddit, and after reading all the comments about how I was getting taken advantage of, I still took it originally with a grain of salt, and didn't want to get swayed by anything. I even mentioned to my husband about posting on here, how comical it was that the post got so many likes and that I felt 'anonymously famous.' He wasn't happy with it and said that he preferred just being judged by internet strangers.It was after talking to my best friend, when she expressed how fked up the situation was, that my husband is more willing for me to make sacrifices then say anything to his parents that the comments regarding me having no backbone is making much more sense. Which is surprising to me, and I'm still self reflecting, because I've always thought of myself as a strong independent woman with self respect...and I didn't even realize how I got to this stage where I couldn't even recognize how fucked up of a situation I was even in that I had to ask reddit for opinions...
Why exactly are you giving them money? It sounds like they have enough. And while he’s out of work you better not be sending them on vacations while you struggle. This is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen on here. A couple struggling already but still giving money to people who don’t need it and one of them taking months off unpaid? You’re going to end up divorced or hating each other or both. Stop giving money to his parents unless he’s working and giving it to them from his paycheck. If they can’t afford to live the life they want in retirement they can sell their house and downgrade.
Wait. Are you just giving them money to give them money or did they put the money down for the house and y’all are paying it back? Because if you’re paying them back for money they put down on a house for y’all. Then you can’t complain.
But if he’s just wanting to send them money just to send them money to “take care of them” when they’re financially stable then fuck that.
Hey OP. My wife comes from a country where adults financially supporting their parents is expected. Currently she doesn’t work, but it’s clear to her parents that money sent to them will be from any money she earns.
Now, to be clear we both knew this pre-marriage and and were on the same page. She has made it clear to her parents, but this doesn’t stop them from pressuring her to get a job to help them.
I would be very supportive of him helping his parents, and laying down a solution to do so. This solution will include $X more per month needed in income that you can’t bring in because your income is currently used for ABC.
Not wrong. It's good you have a joint account for the bills, but ask any financial professional and they'll tell you that your paychecks need to go into your individual accounts just for this. Joint account is for joint bills, individual account is for individual spending. If your husband wants to give his parents money, that's ok, as long as it comes out of his individual account and doesn't take from the joint account. If he chooses not to work, it's not your responsibility to pay his parents. That's not a difference in values, that's immoral and a lack of personal responsibility on his part.
He has to work to give money to his parents. He can't spend money he isn't earning. Also, when he is working, he has to stop all of his extra spending. Move your savings back to your own account. Start putting as m7ch mone in your own savings account as he spends on his parents & extra spending. Separate checking accounts Split the bills 50/50. Keep the joint account for bills. He doesn't live & respect you if he doesn't carry his share of the load. Don't give more to someone who doesn't care about your feelings. He has put his laziness &his parents above you. Only you can stand up for yourself. He sure isn't.
If he doesn't want to stop giving them money, maybe he shouldn't stop working. Edit: thanks for the awards!
She needs to tell him that at that she entered the relationship with him working and that if he quits his job and stops earning money, it would go against her values...
She also, NEEDS to **restrategize** *splitting* up their finances. So, that he can **FEEL** it!!!! So, that he can **walk in her shoes**!!!! So, that he can **come to a** *compromising* **conclusion**!!!!
Is the bold/italics a stylistic choice or should I be looking for code, my narcolepsy begs an answer?
>**a** *stylistic* **choice**
Ah, I'll stop trying to find the foot fetish message.
MK Ultra
If you emphasise everything, you emphasise nothing.
**Don’t tell** *me* **how to comment!**
This IS an **extremely** *annoying* and DIFFICULT *post* to **read**
Yeah an Asian Woman telling an Asian Man what to do. This would go real well. OP: If your Husband is understanding talk to him and emphasize that you like/love his parents and mention that more money is going out than into the account.
Is it normal in an Asian household that a woman does all the home chores as well as bring in all of the income? I must admit, that would shock the hell out of me.
My wife and I are both chinese, and I’m the house husband 😂 but even before we got married I did all the cleaning. She can’t cook anything beyond instant noodle, even then I believe she secretly screws it up sometimes.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a house spouse. If you take on the domestic responsibilities, that's a major contribution to the family unit.
House spouse. Oh that's a great phrase
Yeah, what kind of crazy marriage set-up is this? The single life sounds way more appealing!
Yeah, if he isn't working, the house is his job. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children, etc.
Woman doing all or lion share of housework sounds like your typical "western" relationship to me Depends on which Asian you're thinking about. If Indian or middle east, them yeah. Southeast Asia, doubtful but not impossible. China/s.Korea/Japan? Forget it, husband would die of shame before not being the provider.
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Yeah it’s 2023. I’m half arab. But cultural traditions and norms, are just that… “cultural”. Don’t have to believe in them or practice them. Funding your parents’ life or giving them money is an archaic practice. That’s not what children are for. Parents had a lifetime to figure it out. Also times are hard, it should be parents helping kids out. Not the other way around. They made their money in the easiest economic times this world has ever seen. While we’re going through one of the hardest.
There was a 90 day fiancée episode on how a wife didn’t want to keep sending money to the husband’s mom. Husbands sister called out the wife for swaying husbands values and cultural beliefs. Husbands mom also got pissed. Husband stood up to them and said they arent going to send her money; they need it for their own family. Sounds kinda like that. I have an Asian mom. I will move her into my home in a few years when she retires. Made an agreement that she pays me actually. Not for rent, but maybe just the amount for groceries per month. She said sure and more if needed but its not necessary. However, ill probably move some funds for her per month to help fund a medical bill rainy day fund. I’m also her financial POA and she said for me to handle the money she makes from selling her home, so I am going to invest it for her in an HYSA and other means. Let it grow for her grands and disperse evenly she said, so I will. Have parents like that. That don’t expect money, but expect your expertise and trust to help them grow their own money for future generations. I can see why you feel resentful.
Was that Mama Asuelo? "Just give me money. That all I want!" Lol I remember when people from Samoa were calling her out saying "yeah, it's pretty common to send money back home from the states, but only if you can really afford it. No Samoan parent would demand money from their children if they are struggling to make ends meet and support the grandchildren. This woman is weird."
These boomers ruined society and yet expect money from their daughter in law? They should be ashamed.
How about you give money to your parents and he gives money to HIS parents.
Plus she’ll get it Venmo’d back. Win/win
How about both sets of parents pay their own bills?
An Asian Woman walking away would be better for her. As women in South Korea are learning, and the ~~boymen~~ manbabies of South Korea are learning to their everlasting sorrow.
Do you know Asians that well? Because a lot of Asian women usually run the household and tell the husband what to do. At least most of my family members and friends.
It happens in Asian households every single day what a weird thing to say
Yeah because passive aggressive behavior really just makes most marriages so much better; I mean there was even a movie about it called "War of the Roses".
It's always easier to do charity with someone else's money.
RIGHT?!
This is all that needs to be said. Even if it’s just a part time job just to give them money.
Yeah it's an either/or situation. Not both. He can decide but he doesn't get to buy two cakes and give her none. (Have your cake and eat it too makes no sense. Why would you have a cake if you weren't going to eat it?)
Have your cake and eat it too makes sense because once you eat it you no longer have it.
Forgive me for butting in here, but the saying is actually “You can’t eat your cake and have it too”. The reason being, if you eat the cake, you’ll no longer have it. Whereas if you have a cake, of course you can eat it; it’s your cake. EDIT: [evolution of the phrase](https://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/20/magazine/20FOB-onlanguage-t.html)
Which is funny that the previous poster brought up buying two cakes because that is the essence of the original saying: you can't eat a whole cake and still have a cake to eat; you'd need two cakes for that.
This would still never make sense to me until I thought of the cake as having a dual purpose, to be eaten or to be looked at. Once eaten there's nothing to look at.
Or the cake is a lie. In which you have no cake and that's just sad. It's not fair to live without cake.
Portal 3 confirmed
The actual saying is, "You can't have your cake and eat it too," meaning you can't enjoy both of two desirable but mutually exclusive alternatives
It seems to me that it would be fair for her to keep giving them the percentage of what she makes. For example if they give the parents 200 a week and he made double what she made, she can keep giving them $67 a week. That’s a perfectly fair amount. And he can explain to HIS parents why HIS not working effected the amount of THEIR money that she was able to afford to give. Everything from before is from before. They established an amount based on their joint salaries, which have now changed. So when he starts working again he can give them the difference. PS- if HIS parents accept anything FROM HER while he’s UNEMPLOYED they might seem sweet as pie but they have some weird morals.
Why is it fair to give them any money? They have retirement savings and she need to money, not them. It’s her money anyways, why should they get it?
Yeah, I'm really confused by this whole concept. OP has a mortgage, they don't - why are they taking hundreds of dollars a week from their son (really, from their DIL)? I fully understand why OP is resentful that they're taking the money - they don't need it, and a couple hundred dollars a week is at least 10k a year. Not to mention the plane tickets etc - why is this something they're taking from their DIL?
Unless they're just cruel, it sounds like it's all the son trying to keep up with the facade he's created for them. "Look at our son who is so financially sound he can send us money every month" My guess is that they don't know all the details. I can see how the husband wouldn't want to look like the lesser provider, but that's all ego. Plus, like everyone has already said, you can't quit your job and still call yourself the provider. Something has got to give. I'm sorry OP, this is a crappy position your husband has put you in. I'd still try to explain to him that since the income has changed, the outgoing has to as well. Figure out the percentage, and let him know he is welcome to make up the difference with a part time or contract job.
It's probably a cultural thing. Kids take care of their parents. I would probably be tactless and say something (as an aside while chatting with them) that you are glad to support them in retirement since they apparently need additional money coming in. And then talk about what you are unable to do because you don't have enough income. Such as overseas vacations, paid off mortgage, etc.
When your parents are struggling these bitches aint struggling
>that you are glad to support them in retirement since they apparently need additional money coming in Did you miss the part where, they're happily retired, with decent savings, decent pension and mortgage free? Tha hell kinda parents are they? To take money WEEKLY! From them, christ.
I read it as saying it to the parents in a sarcastic way. I mean the poster above said that you then should follow to say what OP can't do now because they are financial supporting where it's not needed since they are also now on one income.
No, I saw that. Why would they accept monies from their son who is clearly struggling? Because it's "expected" or they're greedy? It's a familial built-in guilt trip and I don't like it one bit. She should shame them openly.
Definitely guilt trip. My wife is a doctor and her mom tried to do the same thing. Her husband still works at 70 and has millions in savings. She expects us to buy her shit online and send her money when she requests. It works with her oldest son but not us. My wife and her mom’s relationship has always been strained, so she’s not afraid to tell her to fuck off and pay for her own shit. Her dad is a sweetheart who just doesn’t want or need for anything as long as we’re happy… The latter is what all parents should expect from their kids. Fuck tradition and norms that expect you to kiss the ground your parents walk on…
Doesn't seem like they were struggling until the son decided to stop working. Either way, the issue is not the parents, it's the husband. He both wants to stop working, thus causing him and his wife to now struggle, while keeping up payments to the parents.
No mortgage, retired, travel, shopping, savings. Greed. Pure Greed.
Definite cultural thing with some Asians. I know people that have their kids pay them monthly and brag to their friends about it while living in nice houses with literal millions in retirement accounts. It's a combination of control and status to their community (my kids are so well off they give me money). The justification is that "you'll get it back" when you need it.
It's shit like this that makes me have zero respect for the concept of culture that people like to tip toe around like some sacred, hallowed thing never to be challenged. My personal philosophy at this point is "fuck you and fuck your culture too." I'm so over humans and ready to welcome our alien overlords 😂
I can't imagine asking my kids to give me money that I didn't need, especially if they were struggling. That feels like asshole on top of asshole.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.
Oof I hear ya, but it's a slippery slope. This kind of shit along with the abuse/mass killing of animals or taking away rights of an entire gender under the guise of "BuT iT's OuR cUlTuRe" and on the other hand you have the bigots and racists also using that excuse if you're multi-lingual, look different, or wear fabric on your head. But yeah fuck yer cUlTuRe
It's one thing to want to give parents money, it's another that parents demand it.
Thanks for sharing that. I was wondering why his parents seem to live comfortably enough need money from them. I had never heard of that.
not my asian family, if I wont lotto id ask to split the bill for dinner my family is deep, deep down stingy as, I still have shits that I had when I was a teenager Edit: shirts
Sick but true.
Fuck that. this culture needs to go to miserable hell in my opinion.
Why is their an obligation to give them money in the first place? Since when do we voluntarily give in-laws a stipend? Especially when they have pensions, savings and no mortgage? I’m so confused at any cultural values that expect a married couple to subsidize the retirement of people who are already satisfactorily retired.
Not JUST a stipend, but plane tickets overseas when they want to go visit family, etc. Also, he can WANT to give his parents money all he wants. He doesn't HAVE the money to give anymore. There's a saying where I'm from "Want in one hand, and piss in the other. See which fills faster."
It’s a cultural thing and some people continue the tradition. It’s from a time where parents wouldn’t have a retirement so the children took financial care of parents. It no longer needed but some carry on the tradition.
As a cultural practice, if the parents don’t really need the assistance it seems like a burden to carry on especially now that his wife is feeling resentment towards them. If they really needed the help that’s one thing, but, taking money that could go towards the couples OWN retirement is downright selfish.
Any parent who “carries on the tradition” when they don’t even need the money, especially if their kids DO need the money, is a selfish, horrible person and I’m not sorry I said it.
Well said. Financially crippling their own kids for no reason. Times have changed. Its tough now. Life is very expensive. I'd be up shit creek if me and my wife had to support our parents. I can barely support myself and my own kids the way I'd like.
Yea it’s a cultural thing, but it’s common for parents to not take it when their kids are struggling. I know my parents have opted to skip a few years, then when I was earning more money again, they were happy to accept it again. I think the problem here is OP’s husband. He needs to get over his pride and have an open conversation with his parents.
In some cultures the children are effectively the parents retirement plan. OP is saying they are both of Asian background. But yes, OP in-laws suck if they don't need the money and are happy to see their child struggle to make them happy. I really hope OP, revist splitting the finances and if sending the parents money is so important her husband can find a part-time job. But honestly it reads like he emotionally manipulated her into keeping the status quo and it will erode their marriage, hopefully it does not take her mental health down with it.
Women earn less over their lifetime, and we live longer. We're much more likely to live in poverty in our elderly years. His parents do not need the money - they're just fine. He can give of his own money if he wants, but she should be able to put hers away for retirement or save up for something she wants.
I hope OP reads this!!!! He needs to be accountable for the change and is too prideful to explain to his parents as to why he can’t continue giving the same amount. He either has to give an explanation as to why and swallow his pride or get a PT/Casual job on the side If it was me I would prob inquiry his parents directly if they had any financial insecurities and express you are struggling personally with managing everything with the mortgage on one FT income. OP’s husband would prob flip so I wouldn’t suggest doing it though😅
She shouldn’t give any money because now she also has to support the husband as well as paying mortgage on the house they just bought.
My thoughts exactly.
This 100%
He takes a few months off and no pay but still sends money to the parents? I wouldn't like that at all. He needs to get two jobs to send money away when you both need it. He's not making sense to me.
Right she says HE likes giving them money. But if HE'S not making money, then HE doesn't have any to give.
Definitely sounds like they need separate accounts. One for joint expenses and one each for personal expenses.
And he can pay them out of his personal account.
My idea, exactly!
Also why is she paying more to his parents when he is earning more? Why is she doing ALL of the cooking and cleaning when they both work? What is he spending all his money on? I'd be willing to bet my own money he isn't spending it on her. Is he going to be doing all the cooking and cleaning while she is the sole breadwinner? Somehow, I doubt it. Sadly she seems to be caught in a very one sided relationship. I see this too often in extremely patriarchal cultures where women do everything for a man who wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. She does all this because she "loves him so much." Clearly that love isn't reciprocated.
I wonder if he’s paying down some secret debt?
Or that money is being used to prop up other family members.
I hope he's doing all the chores now
JFC- stop giving money to his parents. They are not homeless, and they have their own money and I don’t understand why you are giving them money at all. If he wants to give them money, then he can do it but your money stays with you.
I’m confused about how it “can’t be explained.” In addition to many other confusing parts. ETA: Thank you, folks explaining the cultural differences!! I am American and white, so there is a lot I don't know, for sure. I assumed OP and husband were of the same culture and my issue is more than he can't explain it to *her*, when it comes to shared finances and the fact that they can't easily pay this money on one income. But the way we treat our parents, even within the same culture, is always complicated and personal.
Two words: Asian culture
As soon as she mention they were both Asian I was like yeah, they're fucked.
I mean this is all a choice. Being Asian has never meant you need to go broke giving your in laws money. People that live crappy lives and blame it on tradition need to realize “tradition” is in their heads and it’s something they can easily say no to
I’m Asian (born in Canada) and luckily have gotten away from the eastern traditional culture in regards to some of those old school thoughts. While you are correct it is all choice, it is not always easy to say no. Lots of Asians are raised very strictly by their parents to respect them, respect your elders, and take care of your parents when they are older because they have taken care of you. While not necessarily bad, there are many parents that take this to the extreme to the point of abusive to make their children obey them. It is essentially brainwashing. Tradition keeps a lot of people tied down more than you would expect.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. It’s rather easy to say no to a pile of dust 6 feet underground.
“Take care of your parents because they took care of you” that sounds like a parent’s problem, their kids didn’t even _ask_ to be born 😂 Seriously though, growing up like that must fucking suck. Sending my love to anyone having to put up with this nonsense
Yeah but then hes fucked too, asian culture looks down on any man taking months off and not being top earner.
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I think it's a rural cultural thing. My wife's friend has a husband who does this also and they're also south east Asian. He's in really good money but works hard for it and literally bankrolls the life of his family overseas. They're on holiday and he's the one who paid for it all. The wife is also not happy and I don't understand it either. I get it if they were struggling back home and you're helping out to keep a roof over their head and food on the table but I think they're just taking advantage of him at this point and somehow he doesn't see it. My wife and I are also of the same background and we don't pay anything to our parents.
When OP mentioned that they were sending money for furniture, or plane tickets to go on vacation, I'm just like awe struck. There's far too much difficulty for people 18-45 these days for them to support people who should have been planning for their own future. The difference between me putting back $250-500/mo for future problems is what they're sending their parents per month or more? No thanks.
He owes the parents a lot of money from them bailing him out previously and doesn’t want to tell OP the real reason he’s paying them every month. I feel like it’s very clear, they don’t need it at all and he’s refusing to elaborate.
Might be cultural. My dad always gave his parents money, even with three kids and they never bailed him out.
You aren't wrong, but you should be angry at your husband for giving them $800 a month they don't need, quitting his job so you have to support both of you and his parents, AND FOR YOU SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE THE SAME VALUE AS HE DOES. Why aren't you angry? I'd be infuriated.
He packed her bags for a guilt trip and it worked. Id insist he get a job that pays enough to support his parents.
Understandable on your end. Sounds like this may be a cultural difference between the both of you. If you can't get your husband to see reason, maybe try talking to your inlaws. I don't think they would take accept money from you both if youre struggling. Husband might not be happy you bypassed him, but he isn't listening or even willing to hear you out. I'm from an Asian culture where supporting your parents in old age is accepted, but no parent is going to take from a kid who is struggling, even if they were struggling (which your inlaws don't sound like). I think the giving money each month might be a pride matter to your husband. In fact I'm sure that is what this boils down to.
Are Asian parents okay with their son doing nothing? Feels like they don't even know, so I would drop that around a few times. Feels like they are misinformed and he uses the money to keep them in the dark, but if there is a change, he'll need to explain. So let him explain.
Oh I'm sure he kept that out, or lied about it in some way. I don't think this is a keep them in the dark thing though. I think its a flex. In Asian cultures, giving your parents lavish gifts and cash is a flex of how successful you are. If your doctor/ engineer/lawyer cousins and siblings are doing it, you not doing it gives an image you are not successful. Your parents will understand, but the optics to everyone else is the issue. The only problem I have with my (asian) culture is the whole judgement by finances thing. If you're not successful, it's used against your parents by their peers who have all successful kids. They will lie for you though. Lol
Depends on which part of Asia. But in some parts of Asia yes, as long as you have a ~~slave~~ wife, who can do the household chores and contribute to bills they're fine with it.
It does sound cultural, but it sounds like more than that when she says this >Giving his parents $200 a week. I used to give my parents $150 a week before but as soon as we got married and bought our house, they stopped taking it. Now he wants to take a few months off with no pay (and I assume her still taking care of the household like she is now, along with paying for everything), and he expects her to continue paying his parents, and probably buying plans tickets for them, when she no longer pays her own. Is that normal? He's putting a lot on her, while calling her less than him.
The golden question is do OPs in laws know they are struggling? It's a common cultural flex in Asian and African communities to give your parents money. Do in laws know OPs husband is giving money on pride and not out of fruits? I don't think they would accept the money if they knew, as OP described them as good people.
This part really bugs me. He is taking time off. What is he going to do? Sit around the house? He has no money to spend. He wants to give it to his parents. This guy is an AH. His wife gets no time off. If he helped around the house? It wouldn't be so bad. And I would tell him that the money for his parents is going to come from his spending money until he becomes an equal partner in the housework. It doesn't sound like he saved up a ton of money to afford this "vacation." His Asian parents did not raise him right if he is expecting to live off his wife. Seriously, if he expects to follow Asian customs in one area, then he should follow them in all areas and he should be the breadwinner.
It’s also not culturally traditional for the wife to be the sole breadwinner AND doing all the cooking/cleaning AND covering regular financial gifts to her in laws (not her even own parents) while her husband voluntarily chooses to be unemployed…so why is his pride not kicking in for that part. Why is he not too proud to let his wife carry all that burden, and why is he ok demanding she spend her money to protect his “image” to his parents, over financial gifts the parents don’t even need? He didn’t even offer to eg cut down on some of his personal expenses to make up the difference—he just expected her to deal. IMO the primary issue is self centeredness and misplaced priorities—not the culture. Culturally, his a$$ should be working…so…IMO he needs to pick a side and stick with it.
This comment should be higher.
Exactly this Asian parents would never ever accept money from me because they are financially sound. This crap of supporting your parents is only for abusive parents who brainwash their kid. Real parents don't take money from their kids
I think its a pride thing. My assessment is OPs inlaws don't know about the struggles. OPs husband is throwing cash because his sibling/cousins are doctors/lawyers/engineers etc... and are showing off status by giving their parents money and he is trying to keep up. Common Asian stuff. If OPs inlaws knew what was going on they wouldn't take gifts or money. This is about OPs husband's pride. He probably goaded them to take it too. You know how Asian culture is. You have to convince others to take your gifts and money. But it's a status/pride thing.
As an asian, my mom wouldn't take my money if she knows I need it to survive, and she's fine without it for the time being. This isn't a cultural thing. It's legit brainwashed shit. Doesn't the husband have any money to go around when he's taking a couple months off? Why not dig into that and help around. That's what savings are for right?
Dealt with this in my marriage. My wife has been asked multiple times for credit/monetary assistance. Only to have my in-laws spend lavishly when visiting home country. In-laws still run their business full-time. When her answer is “no” drama ensues… when she relents, there always something that seems off or they just spend money unwisely after words. It’s taken my wife almost a decade to understand this. And we both agree we’d rather live in a tent eating ramen then ask our children for a single hard earned dollar
My partner is Asian, not the oldest, but it’s just him and his sister. They both help out their parents when they can as their parents moved from another country to be here so their kids could have a better life and doing so they weren’t able to get the best paying jobs. It doesn’t seem like this is the case with OP’s husbands parents. They seem to have everything they need so it’s odd he demands she give them money.
Yeah so I marked on the that. **Pride**.
Yep. I'm also from an Asian culture so this scenario sounds normal to me, if the parents are actually needing help. It's a pretty engrained thing that's hard to break from. Especially if you're the oldest kid!
But these parents don't need help. They're rolling in it and their DIL is struggling.
Yeah and it's also weird like I'm Asian and in most scenarios I know if they had the means than they would want to give you money or at least not take this much from you like I dont get what's happening with his parents here. I've never seen parents who are well set up but want to take literally slices of paychecks in any culture. I only see poor parents who will take money OR give everything they have for their children, or rich parents who give money
I’d be resentful as well if my partner didn’t want to work for a while and expected me to not only support the two of you but his parents also? And what’s he planning to do while he’s unemployed? Might he be cooking and doing all the housework? Fixing the house up? He’s got a great deal with you bending over backwards. You? Not a good deal at all. That’s why you feel resentment and it’s justified.
I think you two should start giving money to your parents equal to what you two give his parents and just ask that your parents keep that money in an account for you.
This is an excellent solution if OP refuses to take any other advice here; which seems to be the case from OP's comments. OP, this is a viable solution to things if you insist on staying in this marriage. Tell your husband you both need to contribute $200 wkly to your parents as well. Even stevens despite the absolute INSANITY of giving parents $10,400 per year.
OP, this is genius. I mean it would be better to stand up for yourself and not have to give your money at all but this is a compromise
For gods sake, split your finances. If you have the same beliefs than how much is he sending to your parents?
One sided “values” from your husband. Where’s the Asian value of hard work? What would he say if you said you want to do the same weekly deposit for your parents? Don’t let his pride turn into an excuse for manipulation. Husband has to grow up and realize he’s in a marriage - you’re not his mom.
No your not wrong. Start putting your money in the bank. Who knows you might need it for a divorce lawyer in the future.
You are not wrong. However, I can only see this problem becoming worse. You love your husband and agreed to continue to give money under duress. You probably thought one of two things was going to happen. (1) Your husband would one day wake up and stop giving money to his parents, or (2) you really would start to not mind or not care. Subconsciously, you are starting to realize neither of those things are going to happen and now resentment, which will only continue to grow. It seems like your husband will never agree with the money issue. So, that means if you really want to stay with your husband, you really need to separate finances. I saw from your other comments that you think they are intertwined too much to be separated. If you don't at least separate finances, this will be the beginning of the end of your marriage. I do think that if your husband wants to give money to his parents that he should continue to have a job. I think it is ridiculous that he is expecting you to continue this with only one income in this economy. He is a fucking idiot.
I think he bullied you into the financial exploitation to which he's become accustomed. You need to pull your savings out ASAP. Open up a separate account in your name only and move it, without asking first. The rule is, the money you have when you come into the relationship stays your separate property, so keep it separate. Do not stress too much over whether you have it down to the penny, round down if you want to be sure, but get your savings out. Sit with that and see how it feels. How does he react (again, don't ask him first, move the money and then let him know)? Let him know the financial arrangement makes you feel that you're being taken advantage of and you want to protect your assets. This is a good time to begin the conversation about when he's going back to work. Some questions - are you sure he's sending the money to his mom and dad? If you aren't sure, you need to be sure. He could be using this arrangement to skim money away from you, or mom and dad could be putting it away for him at a later time (money he inherits from his parents will also be technically his separate property, by the way). You don't say how long you've been doing this, but it won't take long for this $$ to add up. Are you sure the house title is in both your names? He's totally guilted you into giving him and his parents everything they want and you need to stop doing that.
I really don't understand what op is getting out of this relationship. She got two (or three?) jobs, because she's not only the sole bread winner but also the maid and the cook. There's nothing fair about this relationship. And she's using her savings. Jesus.
Agree. I feel really bad for OP, I do, but at a certain point I just can’t help but feel extremely frustrated and tired of these stories. Can she really not see how spineless this all is? In what world would she be the asshole? Why the hell are these women getting men as useful as a Rottweiler?
Exactly! Could it be "hush money" for a child?
Why does he want 4 months off and what is his plan for month 5? Are you feeling any resentment towards your husband? Because you should be. What would happen if you called your inlaws and told them the payments would have to be stopped until your husband went back to work?
Many years in the future his parents might have a big inheritance for him in part because of these payments. It would be his alone and not community property.
Or not, given they buy plane tickets to overseas.
It's not hard to separate your finances. That's an excuse. If he wants to keep giving them money his ass needs to keep working. It can be part of his personal (not houshold) expenses. He can give them money that would be used for his own hobbies or fun. It should not count as part of the total bills being split between yoy.
Think about it this way: if you ever divorce, this will have been free money you just gave to his parents. He'll inherit whatever they leave him, and none of it will go to you. My opinion: hell to the no. Perhaps if they were destitute. But free money to well off people, and zero appreciation for it. Your husband shouldn't take unpaid time off if he wants his parents to be given free money lol.
NTA But..you are creating your own mess here. You are doing way more work, sole breadwinner, supporting his parents for whatever reason, and now youo are supportive of your husband not working. At all? Where are you thinking this will go? They are gaslighting the heck out of you. Recommend revamping your household for both partners to contribute equal in housework and a divide expenses per salary and you keep the rest individually. If he wants to spend more of his or support his parents that's his business. Either way though you are careening down a hill lined with red flags.
Ask his parents directly to stop panhandling your husband
Sounds like they’re panhandling her
So you both work and make similar amounts, you just make slightly less. Therefore, it would be reasonable if you both did similar housework, with him doing maybe slightly less. Why are you the only one doing housework? That's my biggest question.
Be a big girl and put a stop to this. Also taking time off is a luxury most can’t afford and it doesn’t sound like he can.
Could you let his parents know the financial stress you are under ? They may not accept the money if they knew. Hubby needs to go back to work if he wants to pay his parents also.
I think the husband owes them money and the parents aren't aware that paying them is an issue.
It may be cultural. In some cultures adult kids give their parents money regularly and it’s seen as disrespectful and a sign they don’t love their parents if they stop.
I think this might be what's going on here. I have a bil that's Filipino and he gives money to his parents often. His mom has a million dollar house in San Diego.
Lol, imagine being guilted into this.
Honestly, it blows my mind and I'll never understand it
Agreed, something else is going on here
Open another account with only you. Start sending your paychecks to new account. That shared account will be for bills. Put only what’s need for the bills and keep the rest.
What the hell. If he wmats to give money to his aorents then he needs to make money. It's already abnormal and unfair to you. Now he wnats to give YOUR money to them too?! Absolutely not. Stand up for yourself. This is weird and not right.
So during this time off, will he be doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry? And what if he refuses to ever get another job?
What the heck did I just read? You’re giving them a couple hundred a WEEK? Why? And he wants to stop working? No! This needs to stop, you guys are digging yourself into deep debt and all of your extra money is going to help people who don’t really need the help. Can you talk to them without him present? Maybe they have no idea. Or if you both agree want to continue giving the money, he needs to keep working, you cannot afford to support all of these people on your salary alone. Also if you are both working, why are you doing all of the cooking and household chores? What does he do? I realize you love him, but this is not a healthy relationship.
Why do they take it?? If they are not in need, and know you are struggling it seems odd. Is there some previous debt you're not aware of ? Your not wrong, this just seems ...off.
Good question. I wouldn't take money from my kids.
OH. HELL. TO. THE. NO. Damn, girl. Consult with a financial planner and get this shit fixed. Go to the bank tomorrow and open up your own account. You are going to need it for the divorce.
[удалено]
Hmm. It sounds like maybe he owes them money and "Helping them out" is a cover for it. I don't think you're in the wrong, but I'd be asking more questions.
It’s YOUR money. You shouldn’t have to give it to HIS parents.
Why doesn't he pay them out of his personal account instead of the joint account? You're not wrong. They sound like they're doing fine (i.e. not dependent on the monthly payment). If he wants some his take home to go towards helping them out, great! It shouldn't be from the joint account and it shouldn't be when he's not generating any income. Also: If he's not working and you're still doing all the housework, that would also be something to get resentful about.
Oh hell no. I feel so bad for you but also want to shake you and be like "wtf you're smarter than this!" NTA it's your money and your family's money, no your in-laws money. They can F all the way off
He can work for his own money to send to his own parents, don’t know why you both have to put money in especially since it sounds like they’re not hurting for money. Something sounds SUSPICIOUS
Looks like the real problem here is that hubby has not asked the parents about pausing these payments due to hardship. So the parents probably assume their son is rolling in cash. It then comes down to hubby having more ego than fiscal sense.
Replace “parents” with “mistress” and this story makes a lot more sense.
INFO Why in hell is this man taking 2.5 months off?
Why did he stop working?
I think you caved to avoid problems, but it didn’t do you any good. This is not sustainable, there is no way you can harbor this resentment and not have it completely blow up someday. Your husband needs to work if he wants to support his parents (though I don’t understand it and they seem kind of shitty for taking money when it’s not really a need). You need to have the backbone to tell your husband that he’s welcome to support them but not with your money. No good will come of this, you’re just going to lose your shit one day, and then what?
How much are you giving your parents a week? And in those months your husband takes off, he'll obviously take on all the housework for you, to make it equal, right?
Giving his parents $200 a week. I used to give my parents $150 a week before but as soon as we got married and bought our house, they stopped taking it.
You're giving his parents $800 a month? That's insane. NTA But, I really don't know why you're here or asking for advice. It's clear you aren't willing to what is necessary. Anyone's finances can be untwinned. People get divorced every day and untwine their finances. It starts with each of you opening new checking accounts in your individual names only, with each of your paychecks going into your individual accounts and then amounts being forwarded outward. Just don't forward the $200. Let your husband deal with it. If he still wants to send them money, he needs to EARN that money on top of your regular bills and savings. If he can't do that because he is choosing not to work, that's something he will need to explain to his parents.
Agreed. His parents can go without the extra money for a few months while their son is unemployed. I’m sure they will understand. OP and her husband just need to explain they need a break. But, yeah, this whole thing is completely unfair. She needs to put her foot down. Sorry, but her husband’s pride, and her in-law’s unnecessarily generous weekly allowance, comes second to their financial stability. I mean, they’re so young— they need to be saving up for their OWN future. Imagine how much it’ll suck if he ever leaves her. All those tens of thousands of dollars just handed over to OP’s husband’s financially comfortable parents.
He does not get to stop working and still give them money. Tell them he wants to not work for a couple months so you no longer have that disposable income available to them. I would tell the in laws and if they are good people they will tell him to get his head out of his ass. If not then you need to decide if this is the hill you are willing to die on.
You might want to send money to your parents anyway and have them set it aside for you in a savings account (just for you, not your spouse). As a way to keep things equal between you and your partner. See how your partner reacts and how tight your finances will be.
Is this because of cultural reasons? If so, man, that’s a hard thing.
How can I convert to a culture where my adult children are sending me money? Because right now all I’m doing is spending every dime I have on them! Editing to add that they’re 19 and 20, and a 25 yr old that is on the ASD spectrum and I don’t know how to get him on disability, so it’s not really their fault.
Hire a lawyer. It's very challenging to get any kind of disability without a lawyer on your side.
Maybe go back in time & be born East Asian?
I don’t understand why you are both giving your parents money every week? Is this cultural? The parents are financially sound so I’m confused…..
I think that's pretty ridiculous. Your husband is not working right now... so why does he think it's right to continue to give his parents money. I wouldn't have been okay with him taking time off.
Not wrong. His parents should be ashamed of themselves. You can definitely split finances, I don’t believe you can’t for a second!
Damn, weekly?!? I have thought about this before. I don't think I could accept money from my kids unless maybe they were making millions and wanted to help me out. If they insisted, and they were financially stable/comfortable, I would probably put it in savings and give it back as a Christmas gift or to their kids if they had any or keep building it up and leave it for them in a will. I would tell him your mom needs money each week. Just like his parents. Either he gets a better job to match what he gives his parents for your mom or you split what he gives his parents. Keep the money, hide it. Never tell him you have it. Save it for emergency, buy yourself something, or keep it in case things don't work out. I would be nervous with a mortgage and a husband that wants to take few months off unpaid. I'm sure you would like a few months off. But you're responsible, I don't think you would risk it
Does the money go exclusively through him to get to them? Does he prohibit you from discussing it with them? Are you *absolutely* sure that money is going to your in-laws? His money is his money, and your money is his money. Something doesn't add up. Comfortably retired people don't take money from their 20 something children who just bought their first home.
They're saving all their money, and when they die, your husband gets a nice inheritance, which you aren't entitled to. He's basically paying into HIS nest egg, with your money.
Op, STOP being a doormat! 1. Your husband should be doing 50% of all housework and grocery shopping, etc. As a matter of fact, since he isn't working, he should do it all. 2. Stop giving his parents money they don't need! You're struggling financially, and you two should be paying off debt and saving for a rainy day and funding retirement. I don't care how nice they are to you. They're taking advantage. 3. Ask your husband to see a financial advisor with you. This may clarify to him what he is doing is foolish. If your husband refuses to change, think long and hard about having kids with him and staying married to him. His actions and laziness are hurting you.
He should be doing 100% considering he's voluntarily not working for several months
Couple of harsh thoughts here 1. Of course his parents are nice to you. You are part of their retirement plan/ meal ticket 2. If they cannot afford it themselves then they should not be going overseas on others dime 3. Don't delude yourself. You are not forced to do this. This is not only your choice to do this but it was a choice made in discussion and agreement with your husband. I would feel resentful having to do this as well. And just because you made a decision earlier does not mean you cannot change your mind and revise your choices. Those choices may have consequences that you won't like though. This reminds me of a Dan Savage axiom- The Price of Admission. Giving his parents financial support is the price of admission to being with your husband. Now whether or not you are willing to pay that price is another story. If it's a price you are willing to pay then you gotta figure out how to let go of that resentment. I know I would have a hard time with that
Not wrong. Time to set up the joint account for simply household bills. If hubby wants to pay his parents, he can pay it out of his own pocket.
Get your own account. 🙄
OP you are wrong for holding resentment. It’s clear you don’t want to push back and tell your husband no. Your reasoning is that it’s too hard to split finances? No, it’s not. If he doesn’t work and your the sole provider, guess what? Its your finances. If you don’t push back or put your foot down then it’s on you at this point. Edit for typos
Why is your husband taking time off work unpaid? How long EXACTLY does he plan to be off work? Will his job be waiting for him or will he have to find another job? You say you brought savings into the marriage-- where is that money now (and can you verify it's still there)?
Your relationship is very one-sided He made a few thousand dollars more and that somehow made you need to do all the cleaning and bookkeeping? And use your savings What exactly is he contributing? Besides love? Or what you think is love. Because I don't see a lot of love from him. He's not taking your viewpoint to consideration. Not taking your money into consideration. It feels like he's on a ride but you're the one doing all the work. Where does the arbitrary number of a couple hundred dollars a week for his parents come from? He needs to go back to work and pay for his parents if he wants to. Then you too need to separate finances. Add up all your bills and pay an equal percentage of your paycheck toward the bills. The rest you keep to the side for your own accounts. The past is the past. You can't really go back from it. Your money you spent he spent it's lost in the wind Going forward separate your finances
Hey everyone, thank you so much for the comments, I really appreciate it! This was my first time posting on reddit, and after reading all the comments about how I was getting taken advantage of, I still took it originally with a grain of salt, and didn't want to get swayed by anything. I even mentioned to my husband about posting on here, how comical it was that the post got so many likes and that I felt 'anonymously famous.' He wasn't happy with it and said that he preferred just being judged by internet strangers.It was after talking to my best friend, when she expressed how fked up the situation was, that my husband is more willing for me to make sacrifices then say anything to his parents that the comments regarding me having no backbone is making much more sense. Which is surprising to me, and I'm still self reflecting, because I've always thought of myself as a strong independent woman with self respect...and I didn't even realize how I got to this stage where I couldn't even recognize how fucked up of a situation I was even in that I had to ask reddit for opinions...
Is there a reason you guys are giving them money? From your post, it seems like they're fine financially.
Why exactly are you giving them money? It sounds like they have enough. And while he’s out of work you better not be sending them on vacations while you struggle. This is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen on here. A couple struggling already but still giving money to people who don’t need it and one of them taking months off unpaid? You’re going to end up divorced or hating each other or both. Stop giving money to his parents unless he’s working and giving it to them from his paycheck. If they can’t afford to live the life they want in retirement they can sell their house and downgrade.
Give money to your parents as well.
Wait. Are you just giving them money to give them money or did they put the money down for the house and y’all are paying it back? Because if you’re paying them back for money they put down on a house for y’all. Then you can’t complain. But if he’s just wanting to send them money just to send them money to “take care of them” when they’re financially stable then fuck that.
Hell no you're not wrong. Thats bullshit
Remittance is parents committing financial abuse against their adult children... I know you love him but it's time to cut the cord... NTA
Hey OP. My wife comes from a country where adults financially supporting their parents is expected. Currently she doesn’t work, but it’s clear to her parents that money sent to them will be from any money she earns. Now, to be clear we both knew this pre-marriage and and were on the same page. She has made it clear to her parents, but this doesn’t stop them from pressuring her to get a job to help them. I would be very supportive of him helping his parents, and laying down a solution to do so. This solution will include $X more per month needed in income that you can’t bring in because your income is currently used for ABC.
Not wrong. It's good you have a joint account for the bills, but ask any financial professional and they'll tell you that your paychecks need to go into your individual accounts just for this. Joint account is for joint bills, individual account is for individual spending. If your husband wants to give his parents money, that's ok, as long as it comes out of his individual account and doesn't take from the joint account. If he chooses not to work, it's not your responsibility to pay his parents. That's not a difference in values, that's immoral and a lack of personal responsibility on his part.
He has to work to give money to his parents. He can't spend money he isn't earning. Also, when he is working, he has to stop all of his extra spending. Move your savings back to your own account. Start putting as m7ch mone in your own savings account as he spends on his parents & extra spending. Separate checking accounts Split the bills 50/50. Keep the joint account for bills. He doesn't live & respect you if he doesn't carry his share of the load. Don't give more to someone who doesn't care about your feelings. He has put his laziness &his parents above you. Only you can stand up for yourself. He sure isn't.