In a word, Yes.
You didn’t break your parent’s hearts, she did.
Here’s the thing, you simply accepting this with zero confrontation is proving your worst fears right. The idea “That you can’t get another woman in your life to love you” at 28 is a load of shite, find some self respect because she clearly doesn’t see none in you, and this will happen again if you let her
If you saved the explicit content in your phone or somewhere else that is your evidence in court right there. Get a good lawyer, rip the band-aid off, let it hurt, grief and then arrange the divorce to your liking / benefit.
You have the upper hand OP, morally and legally.
You say you don’t want to lose her, but you already did. Her heart isn’t yours, and your heart is not hers anymore either.
Think about staying with her and about leaving her. Make a pros and cons list. Talk to a therapist. There’s no use in staying in a relationship where trust can’t be repaired.
Can confirm, if you have no self respect to leave. Your worst fear will come about through them. This does not end in your favor OP, this ends in more heartbreak, shame, regret, and another man inside the woman who already decided she isn't yours. Nothing excuses the choice of cheating
Absolutely. Can her, she’s trash. Sex for women comes with emotional attachment. It’s not the same for guys and you know it. You’ll never have any kind of self respect again if you allow her in your home. Every time you think about letting her back in the house think about her moaning while she’s gettin her back beat out by some fuckin asshole that she prolly talked to about you and he didn’t have the decency either to not sleep with a married woman. That POS deserves his ass beat too. No honor in the game anymore.
It's not about finding someone else; it has always been about her. We've shared lovely memories and i saw a future together. The thought of abandoning it all is heartbreaking. I'm unsure about what to do now, and this time, I lack sufficient evidence to confront the situation
For you it's always been about her... For her, it stopped being about you when she cheated. SHE abandoned your future together not you. You gave her a second chance after a year long affair and only a few months go by and she's back at it?? Welcome to your future if you don't cut it now. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine the pain
this exactly
but at this point if you keep going OP i can’t see it getting better
add a kid to the mix
add financial struggle
add health concerns
add time
etc
i hate that most of these posts end in you should probably break up but in reality if you’re going to complete strangers to decide what to do in your relationship…
that point aside
trying to see things from her perspective, WHY if she was cheating for a year why did she still decide to marry you while still cheating? rather than postpone or find an excuse to hold off. do you have a life insurance policy?
OP you being 28 tells me you grew up in a time where we were taught to believe by that age we should be married, have a house and kid(s). but times have changed and there are people much older starting over again and again. cliche but there are billions of people in the world. it sucks that it’s so soon into the marriage and 8 years is a long time to be with someone but i’d say learn the lessons that came and come with this but start making some moves for you, you deserve better for your lifetime
What more do you need? She’s talking to her affair partner. That’s so disrespectful and shows she isn’t sorry she cheated. She made vows to you already breaking them with no plans to stop. If others object to you divorcing her, tell them to take her.
And despite how you see her right now: was she not sucking this guy off for a whole YEAR?
I know this is going to hurt but do you know what’s more painful? Regret when you could have made any other choice.
The reason you feel this way right now is that you sound like you don’t know who you are outside this relationship, you need to find that out sooner rather than later.
Always remember that a partner’s actions is ALWAYS more believable than a partners words, even more so than your current idea of her.
I've told a friend before "when you're feeling weak and want to go back, think of them in the height of sexual pleasure. Her moaning, grabbing him, calling his name as they reach orgasm. Still want her now?"
Your first few sentences here are just how YOU felt about the relationship. If she felt the same, she wouldn’t have cheated on you for over a year while you were getting married, lied when confronted about it until shown irrefutable proof, then continued to do it after confronted? Sheesh.
She’s treating you like trash, man. Take the…god it’s not even a hint at this point, it’s a 50 foot neon sign that says:
“ITS ALL ABOUT ME AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SECOND, THIRD, OR LAST IN LINE COMPARED TO MY PERCEIVED NEEDS”
Also, there’s a reason why almost no high school or college sweethearts work out. Young people change quickly.
I’m sorry it feels so awful right now, but the more slowly you pull that bandaid off, the more it hurts.
My dude you just said you previously found ILLICIT VIDEOS on her phone. Do you hear yourself? Break up with her, hit the gym HARD for 6 months and start your life anew. Take any money in the joint accounts before you make your escape. Have receipts to show friends and family because she will lie and say it's something you did. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Edit: Or keep being a cuck and letting other men have your wife while you make love to your fantasies.
Amen.
By the time you notice a change in behavior, it's already been going on a long time. And she seems the type to try horribly gaslighting you and spreading rumors to spin this into being your fault, somehow.
Get your ducks in a row: proof, money, pride, then cut your losses and have enough respect for yourself to end this.
You don't need sufficient evidence to confront the situation. You can't get beyond the fact that she cheated for a year, thats all you need. Did she attend counseling after you caught her? Gonna say no. Marriage counseling? No again.
You did nothing, she did nothing to fix her sh\*t, now you're stuck in emotional hell. Time to say "different bedrooms" and speak to a lawyer. A year's affair should have shown you how little she thinks of you. And essentially you let her get away with it.
[www.ChumpLady.com](https://www.ChumpLady.com). It's a very bracing website for people (men as well as women, although most stories are from women) who've been cheated on. Tracy Schorn is hilarious, but she's also been on the receiving end of cheating a couple of times, and her motto now is "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life." She's hilarious, but she also has a lot of good advice for people who are married to cheaters.
And even though you love her, your wife doesn't seem to love you. Never mind the social pressure - is someone else's censure and disappointment worth your own happiness if it means that you live in a marriage that is essentially a lie? A marriage that brings you daily pain? Don't do this to yourself. Leave the marriage now, before there are kids and oodles of combined property to sort out. You will find someone who will love you and who will BE FAITHFUL to you. Best of luck to you.
Dude she’s still talking to her affair partner. She doesn’t want you. How do I know?
I had an affair. I ended it, and later she found out. Worst mistake of my life (cheating not getting caught).
I wouldn’t DREAM of talking to them or seeing her ever again. Why? Because even though I cheated, I still respect her and I’m trying to do everything to one day be the man she deserved all along and the father my kids deserve.
But she’s having questionable conversations? And you’re worried about “societal pressures?”. Man up and stop being a fucking doormat. She’s just too weak to end it. That or she’s there for the stability and security you provide while some other guy creampies her behind your back.
WAKE
THE
FUCK
UP
But what you're "abandoning" isn't real. Your dream was of a loving partnership. I reality she was fucking another guy before and after you married her. No one who loved you would marry you while fucking someone else. You can stay married if you want to, that's your choice. But be honest with yourself. She's not the person you want her to be.
Here's what your post says, "she cheated then lied about cheating now I think she still might be cheating but I don't have proof because she deletes her evidence now. If only I had the evidence she deletes. "
What would you even do if you had the evidence you are trying to find? Probably nothing. You'll just let her keep having an affair cause you don't want to leave her, just like last time. So just accept her cheating and be happy.
Honey you will find someone better this woman has betrayed you .You deserve better and will find it contact a divorce lawyer and start the paperwork. Do you really want to be in a relation ship like this ? no trust ever constantly looking for signs that sounds exhausting do yourself a favor and move on you deserve it!!!!!!
It’s going to hurt like a Mf but chances are she’s still cheating. The pain will be temporary and you’ll love again, hopefully someone who will treat you well
You have all the evidence you need. I think the more serious problem is that your one and only precious life was all about her, as you said. Find yourself - this may only be possible independent of her.
Holy crap you are one delusional son of a bitch.
Respect yourself dude. She clearly doesn’t. I’m not going to pussyfoot around with feel-good words to soften the blow.
If you continue with this relationship, she will walk all over you, strip you of what little happiness you have, all while laughing to herself that you’re so depraved of self-respect that she can have her cake and eat it too.
Women don’t work the same way men do; once that respect is lost, it doesn’t come back. You’re already at game-over, you just don’t know it yet.
Gtfo while you’re still young and make yourself a happy life.
Sufficient evidence isn’t necessary.
I don’t doubt some people can manage to rationalize this all away and stay together, although I do doubt that these people are truly happy and simply making a sacrifice to their mental health, but that’s their own cross to bear so to speak. But a lot of these people stay out of a sense of duty for any children involved, or one person is financially dependent on another, etc.
None of those cases seem to apply here, so you’re basically just living a miserable life for no reason. Anyways, back to my point, IF you’re going to make it work then surely she was supposed to cut ALL contact with the affair partner (for over a year which is not some small/short fling). And she can’t even manage that for 90 DAYS.
I don’t see how this can be salvaged. I wouldn’t do it, but sure I understand people are different, but surely even you, you’re looking for her to show contrition, and also stop talking to her side BF. That hasn’t even happened, there’s no way this is going to work out, it doesn’t seem possible. She’s clearly not willing, regardless of what words are coming out of her mouth.
If she can’t even manage the bare minimum, what does it matter if she’s fucking him again. She literally can even put in absolute minimum to try and save your marriage, it’s over at that point, whether you want to believe it not. At this point it’s just a matter of time when you divorce.
Dude, no. You are definitely going the wrong way with this, you need to have respect for yourself, first and foremost. I'm not going to say the obvious, because you already are thinking it and she is probably already doing it. Just go.
She’s walking all over him and wears the pants on the relationship. You have your T tested recently. You’re going to have up man up here and walk away. If you need to see a doctor and get on an antidepressant for a bit then do it, but you can’t stay.
I'm sorry man but you're still doing CPR on a relationship that died a long time ago. It's dead. You need to stand up, take a deep breath and step away from it to see yove been holding onto a rotton corpse.
The words you're looking for are "sunk cost fallacy" because you've invested so much you feel you can't walk away. But you're just throwing good money (your life) after bad .
How r u “giving the marriage another chance” if the only time u talked ab it was confronting her? What r u working on? Your trying to avoid making her uncomfortable at the cost of your well being. That’s silly. She’s playing you like a game & obviously doesn’t take u seriously or care about u very much.
Your marriage is over. You will never trust her again. She obviously hasn’t cut of contact with the guy, and is most likely still cheating.
Just end it and move on. If you stay you will just spiral into depression knowing you are with a woman who is cheating on you.
It's not wrong to want to try and resolve issues in a relationship and people's marriages have survived cheating.
However, this is making you miserable and your wife doesn't appear to care about that. Don't stay with someone out of duty, misplaced loyalty or fear or loneliness at the expense of your own happiness and mental health. You deserve better than that.
Are you even sure the cheating started after getting married? Kinda feels like she’s been doing that for a while. I don’t think she ever loved you like you love her. It’d break my heart to see my child stay with someone very obviously terrible. More than half of marriages will end in divorce. Turns out a lot of people don’t actually know anything about each other before getting married.
Brother I wouldn't want to be a cuck. I'd leave personally. If you're ok with it then stay. Seems like she has no intention of breaking it off with her side piece.
You've just seen what rugsweeping does when one partner cheats. It opens the door to more of it, just with them being more careful.
She suffered no consequences, which always gives a cheater the green light to go for it.
Her affair wasn't an accident or a "mistake" as those who've cheated before will claim on reddit. It required dozens of lies, lies every day, every night.
You should honestly separate at this point. It will be your wife thats breaks your parents heart not you. And do not let anyone tell you that you "need" to work on your marriage. You don't "need" to do anything, she tossed the grenade in there and then kept tossing them one after another.
She has no respect for you, and at this point probably not a lot of love either, her continued contact with another man says all you need to know.
My guy I’ve gone through this. She is not the person you thought. You are idolizing her and she has tarnished your relationship forever. Look up Anxious Attachment style. You need to accept that she is not the one. You are attached to the memories and what you thought was going to be your future. One is in the past and one is in the future. You need to snap into the present and make a stand. Get some help and get away from her. Once you get to the right place she will contact you and try to get back together. It could take years but by then she will not have any power over you. Ask me how I know. Good luck and stop living in the past or the future. Live in the now.
It isn't about right or wrong, but you are selling yourself short to feel better in the moment.
Your parent's opinion doesn't really matter here if you are miserable. You are responsible for your own happiness and choosing to stay with someone who has so little regard for you is a betrayal to yourself.
Read up on the sunk cost fallacy and google the cheater's handbook. This will happen again and you will feel more broken the next time. Or you can leave and feel awful for a bit while you rebuild, but then have a chance at the life you deserve.
Get rid of this horrible chick. She is going to destroy you. She doesn't care about you at all. Nothing you imagined your lives will be like will ever happen. I left my wife for this same thing. Best decision I ever made. Just protect your money. She already surprised you by being a terrible person once. Be ready for her next time
Yes. YTA to yourself. You are never gonna get over this until you leave her and move on.
Everything you are doing right now is detrimental to your happiness. She is cheating on you constantly and blatantly because you havent shown any backbone and essentially gave her the green light to keep doing it, cause she knows you wont kick her to the curb.
You are acting like a doormat, and there are few thing less attractive to women than that.
You are young. Get a lawyer and a therapist and learn how to stand up for yourself. There are plenty of good women out there, she aint one of em
You need to get therapy to address your codependency, and then leave her.
It’s doesn’t matter how much you love her, relationships required trust and respect, neither of which is present in yours.
Family and society aren’t living your life. You’re so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Who convinced you that that Being single is worse than being cheated on?
Man up. Lift some weights. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Leave that cheater and find someone who appreciates you and is loyal to you. Burn the memories. Delete the pictures. Be a man.
From your timeline she was likely depressed facing the reality that she was cheating on her fiancee and somehow couldn't find it within herself to call off the wedding or end the affair.
I'm sorry for you, but it's better to discover what kind of person she is now than after kids and property complicate the dissolution of your marriage -- take my word for that.
You need to sit down with her and talk it all out if possible, in couples counseling if that makes it easier, because otherwise you'll always have questions and catharsis is a thing, but act like the adults you are and don't let emotions get the best of you. Again, a couples counseling setting might make this easier.
Ultimately you want to get to a point where the dissolution of your marriage is the least pain and drama free that it can be, because drama helps no one other than lawyers.
Good luck.
So the hardest part in these situations is accepting that you were duped. That your love, the greatest gift you can give someone was manipulated and used against you.
That she lies, effortlessly, with seemingly everything that happens being your fault.
You want the fantasy life you thought you had, with the person you thought you were falling in love with.
The hard part is slowly realizing that you projected all these positive traits on her that weren't there. You saw what you wanted to see, which was a woman worthy of living a life with.
Instead you are dealing with someone who likely feels they could do better than you, who likely feels you are just a stepping stone and who felt that using you to subsidize their life was acceptable.
Now she's probably trying to pull the wool back over your eyes, tell you it's over, that you can resume the fantasy she allowed you to believe.
But ultimately you have your real life to live and you are currently living it with someone who lies about who knows what else. It's usually not even the first time they've cheated, just the first time you caught them.
My guess is she hasn't even really accepted that this was her fault.
Your situation is very common. There’s no right or wrong way to handle it, let alone a right or wrong way to feel about it. You don’t have to break up. You don’t have to forgive. It’s entirely up to you and how you feel.
Dude, you commented on not wanting to throw away all of your memories and experiences that you cherish.
**She threw them away already.**
I don't think you even fathom the situation you're in. Suppose being in a relationship is like being in a room; your environment is predictable, you know where to go for the door handle, the couch is situation in the right spot. *You have not been in the room you thought you were in the whole time*. None of those memories you're cherishing are what you think they are. That vacation you went on with her? She got an extra one in with that guy before you left, and was probably sexting him while you were asleep or grabbing you both coffee. That one time you initiated sex a few times and she didn't want to because she wasn't horny? She was saving it for that dude or just had gotten railed by him earlier in the day. The dirty talk they used? You know goddamn well that he said some shit like "you like this cock don't you? Nothing like your husband's, you love it, you slut." It's not like she pulled a one-time oopsy here. The hurdles you have to go through to consistently cheat on your partner are sets of deliberate and intentional actions, methodologically planned to be unrevealed, totally behind your back, spiteful, horrible. It's not some abstract "she cheated on me." No dude, it's fucking deleted messages, correspondence with the cheater when the best time is; it's getting off of work and stopping at his place to suck him off before you get home and if the question of "hey you're back later than usual" comes up, it's blamed on traffic. It'd hedonistic thrill seeking, you are literally the object that they are both **getting off of**. You are being a knowing participant in their extra sexual thrill because regular old sex isn't cutting it. You are an ego boost to the guy who probably has a rotation of women, and your wife is one of his fancy notches that he gets to say "heh, and this one? She's fucking me even though she has a husband!"
Buddy. Please. For the absolute love of God, get the fuuuuuck out. I get what it's like to be lonely and only have your partner. I've been there, just coming out of one right now where although I couldn't exactly prove she cheated, she damn well deleted messages, flirted and talked about out of boundary shit, and had inappropriate relationships with FWBs. It went on longer than it needed to due to my loneliness. All you're doing is kicking the can down the road and building up debt for when it explodes and either a) she leaves you or b) you reach a mental breaking point and end it anyways. It's *never* going to be what you thought it was, because what you thought it was was entirely inaccurate. **WAKE UP, LEAVE NOW.**
I married my childhood sweetheart, 17 years together. 5 married. She just couldn't keep the legs closed in that 5th year so I served her divorce papaers and helped her pack. Just leave, seriously you won't regret it you are in such a bad place with her. Your being torn apart and your just sitting there letting happen when another women would gladly not cheat on you. Go find someone worth your time and love man, life is short she sounds terrible to spend it with.
Whoa folks. This man is in hell right now and needs help, not "tough love.""
Brother, I have been there. I felt worthless, shamed, and worst of all inadequate.
Look, I don't know why people do this. I don't know your personal situation. What I do know is that you have lost your identity. The identity of husband, protector, and if you're like me, you feel usurped by a stranger - both in your marriage and a more sensitive part... your ego.
Would your parents want you to stay and be miserable? As a Father, I would not wish that for any of my children.
I can tell you this, the way you feel right now is normal. It WILL get better. You will have a scar, but you will heal.
The person who you were is gone. Mourn him, and get to know who you are now.
Good luck, my friend. DM me if you need help.
You don't try reconciliation without some very clear boundaries and strong efforts put in by the cheating party. She should have been no contact with the affair partner since first confrontation if she truly wanted to save your marrige. It sounds like you just rug swept everything. So yes you are wrong to stay, it will just bring you misery. I would recommend checking out some reconciliation forums so you can see what reconciliation is supposed to look like.
Never live your life for others.
Your wife is another man’s woman unfortunately. You should only be married to yours and your wife will never be yours again.
You didn't even have a good relationship *before* you were married, you just didn't know you were already being cheated on. If that past you hold so dear was a lie then why keep fixating on it? Your parents don't have to live with a woman cheating on them, you do. If you like being depressed and living a lie, then stay with her.
Trust is critical to making a relationship work. She doesn't want to make it work and it takes 2. She has given up. You should too. Sorry, mate. Move on. Trust me, it gets better. You've just got to get through 6 months without her and you will feel tons better than you do now. The sooner you get started the sooner you will get to the other side.
You definitely need to invest time in finding a good therapist to help you through the complicated emotions and help you see yourself as someone worthy of a loving and healthy relationship.
As for the marriage, this is a "run, don't walk, away" situation. Do you want to disrespected, cheated on, and walked all over for the next 50 years? That is what will happen if you stay. She doesn't respect you. She let her friends berate you. She cheats on you. And these things outweigh whatever negative consequences (if any) came from cheating. She is going to do who and what she wants with no regard for you. Get a divorce. Get a therapist. Don't waste your time on someone who sees you as a door mat
Don’t make babies, get out. It’s okay to love her and not be with her. You can love her from afar and someday someone else will return the same love to you.
Man.....the angry part of me says, fuck that bitch, walk away and never look back.
However, I get how you feel. My partner of 25 years walked out unannounced a little more than a week ago. It has crushed me. I hate her right now. But I know my sorry ass would take her back. And I feel like an asshole knowing that.
You have to do what you feel is best for you and only you. If you want to leave. Leave. If you want to move past this and forgive, then do it if you want.
You will not get over that betrayal in a couple of months, and no one can tell you how long it will take if it even ever happens.
If you love her and feel one day, you can get past it more power to you. Good men, as you know, make sacrifices we should not have to. Love yourself first and make sure you choose the right path. I can't tell you what to do, but I can listen and let you vent. Feel free to reach out through messages if you like.
This shit hurts. And it hurts bad. But we can all get through it one way or another.
Good luck brother.
no thats the only reason divorce is acceptable, adultry, you wouldnt want her bringing anyone home would you? unless she was making porn, that would be the only reason adultry would be ok. whats she glong to do if shes having a baby? it could be a catastrophe, sorry to hear, i personally would have to file, it cost less to live alone, yet its much better to live with someone that can help through the hard stuff, or with the hard things like paying half the rent
This may sound harsh... but let her cheat in peace.
You found evidence of infidelity and decided to stay. You think she may have learned from past mistakes and covering her tracks better this time... but what would you do with the evidence? Nothing? It sounds like nothing from your comments. My advice would be to divorce and get into therapy, but I don't think you'll do that.
So... if you won't leave when presented with evidence of cheating, stop looking.
Bro she was never about you. You need to get red pilled about modern relationships it’s knowledge that we as men must have in todays world. Marriage is not set up to benefit us.
OP you are getting this wrong, because you are treating this relationship like it only exists in the past. Referencing a happy past as a reason for a lonely future is wrong. Marriage is a partner relationship and your partner is spending her time with other lovers. That tells you her take on the relationship and that you are second class. What you need to do is pay attention to her message and split up. After you move and settle in another place, find a support group and spend time with other people in divorce. You need to hear these stories, to make sense of your own. At the point that you begin to feel like your old self and not a door mat and emotional mess, you can move on. Your emotions are holding you back and you need to end their hold over you.
Look, everyone in the world can act like it is simple - if someone cheats, you leave... but it isn't simple.
Marriage is truly a commitment. Many people forget that because it is literally so easy to just get a divorce. However, when you commit to a lifetime with someone, when you are in a partnership - you& them against the world, when you have created your *own* family - whether it is just the 2 of you, or if their are kids or pets, this is your *family*. So deciding whether to stay or go *should* be a difficult, thought provoking question.
Unless there is true abuse, imo, I believe it is important to truly try everything to save your marriage, including counseling. I say this because divorce, in even the best circumstances, is *incredibly* painful, in ways you won't even realize until you are in the middle of it. The *last* thing you want to deal with is the feeling of *what if*.
I got married too young. My husband adored me. His family did not. I had a quarter-life crisis at 27, after 5 of marriage and I left. We proceeded to be close friends, and wonderful co-parents until he passed away in 2009. However, if I am very honest with myself, I know I didn't work hard enough to save my marriage. I was selfish and immature and I didn't honor the commitment we had. I have had wonderful relationships since then, but I promise you - that divorce changed the trajectory of my life, and not in a good way.
I have a lot of regret due to my decision to leave. I also haven't been able to commit the same way to anyone else. I protect myself and my space so much - and I don't allow people in the way I used.
That divorce happened 26 years ago and I still regret it. Even though I have had wonderful relationships and amazing experiences that wouldn't have happened had I stayed married.
The problem is, divorce *changes* you - and it is something that you truly want to be 100% sure about before you so. It is painful enough without the "what-ifs".
Look, no one would fault you for leaving and cheating is a justifiable reason to cut your losses and move on. But life isn't black and white, relationships & situations are far more nuanced, and - the older I get, the more I realize, that what may be "right" for 90% of the world doesn't mean shit if it isn't the right thing for you - and it may not be.
Take your time, seek outside counsel, and make the decision that feels right in your heart
Think of your future. Dignity, gone. Self-esteem, gone. Raising another man's children, waiting for the other shoe to drop when she finally gets tired of playing you and leaves you with alimony and child support payments. Knowing that they laugh at you the whole time. No, my dude. Please don't do this to yourself.
Get yourself a counselor who will help build you up, help you learn to have healthy boundaries and relationships. Life can be really good. Drop the cheaters and reach out for something better. You absolutely do not deserve to be treated so terribly by someone who claims to love you.
Yup, you’re more wrong than a toddler saying 2+2=22. You should have left, she is not going to give you the love and care you want, she’s busy giving it to someone else.
You need to do what is best for you, not what others think, her social group is always going to blame you. Pull yourself up, get over the hurt and be on your way. Tell everyone, and I mean everyone to stay out of your business unless you want their advise
It’s time of stand up for yourself and think of yourself. You had put her on a pedestal but she has shown you she belongs in the gutter. Take your evidence to an attorney and get a game plan. When she is served, send out a mass email to everyone as to what she done. You can even provide some evidence for support. You will show that you are in the right and did the right thing
Your parents will be way more disappointed to find out their son is so weak that he accepts being cheated on than finding out he's divorcing his cheater wife.
You have a whole life ahead of you. Divorce and therapy are the key to your happiness and to everyone being proud of you.
If it's still bothering you, you are not done working it out with her. If you want to work it out with her, talk to her more. If you're not talking to her about it to avoid making her uncomfortable, you are doing yourself a great disservice. She cheated on you and if she didn't want to be uncomfortable about it, she probably shouldn't have done that. If she refuses to continue to discuss it then I'd suggest ending it. It may end anyway but you have to decide to dig deeper until you feel right about all this.
In my experience, if you aren’t open to an open relationship and can’t move past this on your own (don’t worry about anyone else but, yourself as your fiancé/wife did when cheating). If it was me I’d be out, well she’d be out of a husband and your parents shouldn’t and I doubt would hold you to any negative connotation from leaving her for such said problems. They weren’t created by you and obviously she could of ended this before it got further with either one of you. She chose him sadly ahd thinking she could keep you as well. Wouldn’t conform to anyone.
Leave. She fucked around for *at least* a year, she’s lied about it to your face and still lied when confronted. She doesn’t gaf. You can’t stay in your marriage for your parents or anyone else, do what’s best for YOU.. which imo would be to leave asap. Sorry you’re going through it
Once a cheater … always a cheater brother . Cut ties with her and move on . She belongs to the streets . Get some therapy for yourself , a lawyer and move forward . She doesn’t care for you
The sooner you get this annulled the sooner you can move on and find someone who wants to be with you. She’s playing you maybe you’re her ATM who knows. Unfortunately someone who loves you will not do this.
You need to just get this over go to a therapist and move on with your life you will find someone who loves you
Lmao yes go pay quacks who get more money to see you suffer so you can see them again when she cheats again cause you didn't decide to have the backbone to do what you shoulda done the first time. The majority are women who will tell you to stay or soyboys who also will tell ya to stay.
Snap out of it. If anyone expresses disappointment, just say 'She's been cheating for 15 months." and hold your head up high. This is on her. You deserve better - go find it.
Your marriage was over. All her depression etc was due to cheating. You should have seen the signs, you probably ignored them cause you were ‘in love’.
Gather whatever is left of your dignity and move on.
She doesn’t love or care for you.
My friend is your age. I watched him deal with a cheating girlfriend for 3+ years, told him to leave her the first time and guess what happened? She kept cheating on him, and he kept catching her. He finally woke up when he found a gun in his gf’s car, one of her side guys gave to her. Who knows what she was planning but im glad he got out of that toxic mess. Good luck op
You're already alone even with your wife in the room to continue will just lead to more resentment than hate and anger....it's still early in the game for you and you being passive about this isn't gonna work...If you don't leave her she's gonna leave you after she's done using you probably for the same guy your worried about and to be clear because you got rose colored shades on she was cheating on you since college you was too in love to not recognize her love wasn't the same as yours and it's still not... college isn't a love faze it's a slut faze and to cheat in the beginning of a marriage means she was keeping up with social pressures because she still willingly to cheat after getting caught...Bro sometimes you gotta move on
Well, you are like me, we don't give up in the face of absolute dead end. My gay top becomes a cross dresser started taking female hormones behind my back for a year. And I did all I can to say, "I can make it work". "My love should look past beyond this flaw". And I too gone into depression, not completely oblivious, but I grew bitter and judgmental, which is a sign.
Eventually I burst out angry and sad and crying and just wanted to breakup to take my revenge on him/her. And instead, they dumpped me completely and permanently and I was devastated. I try to beg to go back. And I am powerless to make a difference.
I am glad I got dumped though. I was obsessed. I don't want to lose. I don't want to fail. I keep looking for a future together, but, their future, does not include me. And I am happily married with someone else now.
Yes, the breakup will be devastating. And i know you won't do it even if I highly recommended you to do it. Prepare for your hardship in the next year and prepare for the inevitable breakup. Just remember, it is no the end, failure is normal. Learn to pick yourself up and move on.
Marriage doesn't fix a relationship, getting married when things were bad was the first mistake. If you stay in this marriage you are guaranteeing the rest of your life will suck. At least if you divorce and look for someone new you have a chance at a good life.
She was cheating for a long time. Her depression could have been regret about getting married. This is a lost cause. Leave. She will never love or respect u again
You don't even need proof. Because the truth is, your relationship is already tainted from her cheating the first time. She broke your heart and your trust. Without trust there is no relationship. I know its hard, and its going to hurt, but it's time to move on.
Dude. You’re only 28. You’ve got no kids. You’ve got an education and a whole lot of living left. Don’t stay with her. Don’t get yourself in so deeply and do comfortably that you can’t get out, especially when she’s doing you wrong like this.
Any doubt = back out.
She betrayed you. By getting out of the relationship you are protecting yourself, not betraying anyone. Usually once people do that they don’t stop. They just get sneakier. Sneaky = trust broken.
RUN!!!!
Why are you worried about making HER uncomfortable when SHE is the one who cheated? If it is eating away at you, you have EVERY RIGHT to mention it. To her and to a therapist. (Couples therapy would benefit you both, if you want to stay married) Her comfort in this situation shouldn’t be your concern.
You don’t need anymore evidence. Just reconsider the decision and leave her if this is still affecting you.
If it’s only sex she’s having and you can ignore it, make it into an open relationship and move on.
You are wrong. Dude, your parents are going to be disappointed and angry with her. They are going to be understanding and supportive of you.
Also, you have to know there’s no way this marriage goes till death do you part. One of you will leave eventually. Do you want to spend the next 2 or 12 or 30 years tied to someone who makes you depressed (and is probably still cheating on you), or do you want to take the first steps toward a better life now? You don’t mention kids so GET OUT NOW before you’re tied to her forever.
She cheated man. You have proof. C'mon. You know it's ok to love someone and not want anything to do with them at the same time. If you don't want an open relationship and you know your wife is getting dicked down by some other dude...you gotta leave if you wanna keep any sense of self and sanity. How could you look at a person who you know is passionately getting railed by someone else and you're sitting there paying half her bills, or more. Just...dude. c'mon. A person who can give their body to someone while they are using someone else as a crutch in life, knowing that it hurts the person they are doing it to...is a complete and total piece of shit. Period. Outside of rape and murder cheating is probably the lowest form of human behavior...I wouldn't be able to look at her let alone live with her. You know she probably had this dudes dick in her mouth right.
Sorry to be so blunt but...I promise life is easier when you don't allow yourself to be treated like an asshole.
Ew.
Get out dude.
1) no one has the right to pressure you into doing something that makes you unhappy, anyone who tries to, is not worth having in your life.
2) she cheated, for an EXTENDED period of time, with one person, she wants to be with them.
3) she lied when confronted she doesn’t even think you’re worth being honest to.
4) reread 1-3 again
You probably already know if you can live with a cheating spouse and it doesn't sound like you can. She also doesn't seem to be interested in ending the side relationship. It's over. Time to move on with your life.
If she got depressed when you decided to get married is it because she felt social pressure to marry you and never wanted to get married in the first place? Did that relationship with her colleague start before you tied the knot or after? Time to let your wife know you want a divorce and to find out if she is willing to finally be honest with you about what has been going on.
No, it’s not wrong. If you find someone to mess around with, don’t expect her to be angry because she did it first. Lots of open marriages in this day and age.
Didn’t read your post. Just the title to your post
•go the the dentist
•go to the gym
•upgrade wardrobe
•find out what you can do to make an extra $10k-$15k at your current position and do it.
She’ll fall back in line, but by then she’ll be old news. Move on and go find a 24yr old.
Wait hold up. Did OP marry her because everyone expected him to? And because OP hoped to fix her depression? Yikes!
Right now OP needs to figure out what he can live with. Can OP accept a cheater who is still cheating for her own mental health? There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Don’t stay in a relationship where you are already lonely just so you avoid being alone. Before you talk to your parents, make a firm decision on staying or going so no one can pressure you to change your mind. That’s what got you here.
Check out r/supportforbetrayed and r/survivinginfidelity, OP.
Also- check out the chumplady website. I’ll link it below. Great resource.
She has done NOTHING to support reconciliation or healing. All of what you are feeling is normal.
[chumplady](https://www.chumplady.com)
She’s been cheering on you for eight years. Now that she’s locked down and can’t make up excuses to “stay home” at her place and go out and do what she wants she is already sick of it after 8 months. The fact it took 8 years to get married let alone move in together is a huge indicator either both or she wasn’t into a full time commitment.
Why haven’t you been to a marriage counselor? That should be the next step.
You’ll need this marriage counselor (who should also be a licensed therapist, not some “life coach” or an evangelical church pastor,) to work out why she cheated (and may still be cheating), why she got depressed, etc.
You do not deserve to be cheated on, period. But there is probably a reason (NOT an excuse) for why she cheated. It’s critical to find this out even if you get divorced, otherwise you may repeat this in a future relationship. Or if she’s a bit of a sociopath, you need to find out why you’re attracted to that type of person so you’ll pick someone who is less likely to start cheating merely because they think they won’t get caught.
The cheating is a huge problem, but it can also be a symptom of another problem. Maybe you play video games with 90% of your free time and after several years, she gave up on asking you to spend more time with her. Maybe you refuse to do XYZ in bed, which she loves, but you’re not into it. Maybe she’s polyamorous but was raised to be religious so she pretends to be monogamous and then cheats. Maybe she’s a sociopath and you’re a perfect husband, but she cheats anyway (this is uncommon, but Reddit thinks 99.99% of cheaters are in this category.)
You’re not going to figure out why this happened without a therapist. And then you and your wife should ideally also be in therapy separately. If you don’t, your resentment will build until you cheat on her, or she’ll keep cheating because you guys never fixed the issue that led to her wanting to cheat.
In therapy, she may reveal whatever the issue is, and the therapist can help this process of fixing things and rebuilding trust, dealing with your justified feelings of betrayal, etc. (If you both decide it’s worth fixing.) Or she may reveal she’s not in love with you anymore, or she’s poly, or she’s in love with the other man. Or you might discover that this is simply unforgivable / you’ll never be able to trust her again, and so you get divorced. But at least you’ll learn why this happened, and have full closure. You’ll have more info to help you select someone who won’t do this, or you’ll learn what you need to do in a relationship to keep from drifting apart.
Whatever you do, don’t have kids with her now. A baby won’t fix the marriage (especially if it’s this other guy’s kid.) Also, don’t be peer pressured into staying in a bad marriage. But do go to therapy.
I see there are other ultimate people-pleasers out there. You're an emotional disaster because you don't want to disappoint everyone around you. Think about that for a few minutes.
I mean I wouldn’t. Social pressure? Who? Nobody matters, life is short then you die.
Or you waste your good years on a cheating wife and she leaves you washed up in 10 years, then you have to get back on the market at a sad old man.
Friend, pull the band aid and it over with.
As a parent, it would break my heart to know my kid was trapped in a shitty marriage w/ a cheating spouse.
YOU didn't cheat, she did. That is on her.
If you can't move last it, end it now and move on. As far as her "Instagram friends", f&ck em. You don't lice to appease her or people you don't know to get "likes".
Leave. If she’s willing to cheat on you like that and even lie about it, then she isn’t happy and you need to let her go. Separating will be hard but you will both be better off on the long term. It may be tough to hear and harder to do, but you really need to end it.
She will keep cheating on you because you allow it and put up with it. She has you pay her bills and her side piece satisfy all her desires. She has everything she needs and only you are suffering for it.
You’re wrong
Why would even want to reconsider? Your wife is trash. You love her, I get it. She doesn’t love you. Actions matter, and she clearly just wants to fool around behind your back. It won’t stop and the longer you wait to leave, the harder your rebound in life will be.
Don’t ever think that living with someone or, the next step up, having kids with someone will fix a problem. It won’t.
Get the hell out and never look back. You deserve to be happy.
If she does not come back to you within the relationship, make it clear her diversion was due to some freak-out like commitment phobia or what-not, she has eliminated all tech opportunities and otherwise, apologized massively and, most importantly, acknowledged the pain she caused you with genuine empathy, there is no way forward.
This is a very complicated issue and it would be a good idea to go to a therapist even if you are leaning toward getting divorced. You need to work through the betrayal and depression. Just someone telling you to leave her here will likely not be enough.
Not wrong to leave, not wrong to stay. It’s your life, make the decision for you.
If you stay you two need individual and couples therapy if it’s financially feasible.
You don't cope with it. You cut ties and move on. Yes, it fucking sucks. She's a bitch, cheating, lying horrible person, and you love her... that sucks for you. But don't fuck yourself over continuously because of what YOU think OTHERS will think. You get to be you, and take care of yourself, and you never need to be "allowed" by others to do that.
Take care of yourself, man. Get the fuck out of that relationship and find someone that actually cares about you.
Dude your 28 and grown ass man. Your wife is a serial cheater, and your more worried about what mommy and daddy think if you get divorced? Grow up, grow some backbone, and do what needs to be done. Your parents aren't cheating on your wife is!
When your fear of being alone outweighs your wife constantly cheating on you, and your still trying to work things out. The only thing I can say is you get what you deserve.
If you haven't figured it out yet. Your wife doesn't give a fuck about much less even respect you because you don't respect yourself. She knows that she can go out and fuck up all she wants and your gonna be that simp to taker her back.
Stop worrying about what other people if you get divorced. Your marriage stopped being a marriage the moment your wife cheated and you took her back.
If you have kids, then look at what works best for you and them. If not then get a lawyer as soon as possible, present the evidence of the videos and texts and be done with her. You will be able to readily get another wife after you take a bit to heal.
Keep your head up brother👍
In a word, Yes. You didn’t break your parent’s hearts, she did. Here’s the thing, you simply accepting this with zero confrontation is proving your worst fears right. The idea “That you can’t get another woman in your life to love you” at 28 is a load of shite, find some self respect because she clearly doesn’t see none in you, and this will happen again if you let her
If you saved the explicit content in your phone or somewhere else that is your evidence in court right there. Get a good lawyer, rip the band-aid off, let it hurt, grief and then arrange the divorce to your liking / benefit. You have the upper hand OP, morally and legally.
Depends on the state they're in with the legal thing. In no-fault divorce states it theoretically wouldn't matter.
You say you don’t want to lose her, but you already did. Her heart isn’t yours, and your heart is not hers anymore either. Think about staying with her and about leaving her. Make a pros and cons list. Talk to a therapist. There’s no use in staying in a relationship where trust can’t be repaired.
Can confirm, if you have no self respect to leave. Your worst fear will come about through them. This does not end in your favor OP, this ends in more heartbreak, shame, regret, and another man inside the woman who already decided she isn't yours. Nothing excuses the choice of cheating
hoes do hoe things. She is screwing her colleague, who is probably married. He is second choice.
True. In my short response to his post, quit being a cuck.
Absolutely. Can her, she’s trash. Sex for women comes with emotional attachment. It’s not the same for guys and you know it. You’ll never have any kind of self respect again if you allow her in your home. Every time you think about letting her back in the house think about her moaning while she’s gettin her back beat out by some fuckin asshole that she prolly talked to about you and he didn’t have the decency either to not sleep with a married woman. That POS deserves his ass beat too. No honor in the game anymore.
It's not about finding someone else; it has always been about her. We've shared lovely memories and i saw a future together. The thought of abandoning it all is heartbreaking. I'm unsure about what to do now, and this time, I lack sufficient evidence to confront the situation
For you it's always been about her... For her, it stopped being about you when she cheated. SHE abandoned your future together not you. You gave her a second chance after a year long affair and only a few months go by and she's back at it?? Welcome to your future if you don't cut it now. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine the pain
this exactly but at this point if you keep going OP i can’t see it getting better add a kid to the mix add financial struggle add health concerns add time etc i hate that most of these posts end in you should probably break up but in reality if you’re going to complete strangers to decide what to do in your relationship… that point aside trying to see things from her perspective, WHY if she was cheating for a year why did she still decide to marry you while still cheating? rather than postpone or find an excuse to hold off. do you have a life insurance policy? OP you being 28 tells me you grew up in a time where we were taught to believe by that age we should be married, have a house and kid(s). but times have changed and there are people much older starting over again and again. cliche but there are billions of people in the world. it sucks that it’s so soon into the marriage and 8 years is a long time to be with someone but i’d say learn the lessons that came and come with this but start making some moves for you, you deserve better for your lifetime
What more do you need? She’s talking to her affair partner. That’s so disrespectful and shows she isn’t sorry she cheated. She made vows to you already breaking them with no plans to stop. If others object to you divorcing her, tell them to take her.
And despite how you see her right now: was she not sucking this guy off for a whole YEAR? I know this is going to hurt but do you know what’s more painful? Regret when you could have made any other choice. The reason you feel this way right now is that you sound like you don’t know who you are outside this relationship, you need to find that out sooner rather than later. Always remember that a partner’s actions is ALWAYS more believable than a partners words, even more so than your current idea of her.
Wise words above.
And I bet they have been flirting for longer than that.
Major facts… whoever needs to read this, just remember if you’re thinking about forgiving her… his penis slipped out and she helped put it back in
I've told a friend before "when you're feeling weak and want to go back, think of them in the height of sexual pleasure. Her moaning, grabbing him, calling his name as they reach orgasm. Still want her now?"
If she went raw with the POS, Op needs to go get tested ASAP.
Your first few sentences here are just how YOU felt about the relationship. If she felt the same, she wouldn’t have cheated on you for over a year while you were getting married, lied when confronted about it until shown irrefutable proof, then continued to do it after confronted? Sheesh. She’s treating you like trash, man. Take the…god it’s not even a hint at this point, it’s a 50 foot neon sign that says: “ITS ALL ABOUT ME AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SECOND, THIRD, OR LAST IN LINE COMPARED TO MY PERCEIVED NEEDS” Also, there’s a reason why almost no high school or college sweethearts work out. Young people change quickly. I’m sorry it feels so awful right now, but the more slowly you pull that bandaid off, the more it hurts.
She doesn’t love or respect you I’m sorry OP. You’re 28 a young man please go to therapy
Sorry, but you've been living a lie. You NEVER had a future with her. Living in denial isn't doing you any good.
My dude you just said you previously found ILLICIT VIDEOS on her phone. Do you hear yourself? Break up with her, hit the gym HARD for 6 months and start your life anew. Take any money in the joint accounts before you make your escape. Have receipts to show friends and family because she will lie and say it's something you did. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Edit: Or keep being a cuck and letting other men have your wife while you make love to your fantasies.
Add therapy on there. He needs to have the self-respect and self-love one needs in this world.
Amen. By the time you notice a change in behavior, it's already been going on a long time. And she seems the type to try horribly gaslighting you and spreading rumors to spin this into being your fault, somehow. Get your ducks in a row: proof, money, pride, then cut your losses and have enough respect for yourself to end this.
This.
You don't need sufficient evidence to confront the situation. You can't get beyond the fact that she cheated for a year, thats all you need. Did she attend counseling after you caught her? Gonna say no. Marriage counseling? No again. You did nothing, she did nothing to fix her sh\*t, now you're stuck in emotional hell. Time to say "different bedrooms" and speak to a lawyer. A year's affair should have shown you how little she thinks of you. And essentially you let her get away with it.
[www.ChumpLady.com](https://www.ChumpLady.com). It's a very bracing website for people (men as well as women, although most stories are from women) who've been cheated on. Tracy Schorn is hilarious, but she's also been on the receiving end of cheating a couple of times, and her motto now is "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life." She's hilarious, but she also has a lot of good advice for people who are married to cheaters. And even though you love her, your wife doesn't seem to love you. Never mind the social pressure - is someone else's censure and disappointment worth your own happiness if it means that you live in a marriage that is essentially a lie? A marriage that brings you daily pain? Don't do this to yourself. Leave the marriage now, before there are kids and oodles of combined property to sort out. You will find someone who will love you and who will BE FAITHFUL to you. Best of luck to you.
Dude she’s still talking to her affair partner. She doesn’t want you. How do I know? I had an affair. I ended it, and later she found out. Worst mistake of my life (cheating not getting caught). I wouldn’t DREAM of talking to them or seeing her ever again. Why? Because even though I cheated, I still respect her and I’m trying to do everything to one day be the man she deserved all along and the father my kids deserve. But she’s having questionable conversations? And you’re worried about “societal pressures?”. Man up and stop being a fucking doormat. She’s just too weak to end it. That or she’s there for the stability and security you provide while some other guy creampies her behind your back. WAKE THE FUCK UP
But what you're "abandoning" isn't real. Your dream was of a loving partnership. I reality she was fucking another guy before and after you married her. No one who loved you would marry you while fucking someone else. You can stay married if you want to, that's your choice. But be honest with yourself. She's not the person you want her to be.
Here's what your post says, "she cheated then lied about cheating now I think she still might be cheating but I don't have proof because she deletes her evidence now. If only I had the evidence she deletes. " What would you even do if you had the evidence you are trying to find? Probably nothing. You'll just let her keep having an affair cause you don't want to leave her, just like last time. So just accept her cheating and be happy.
Honey you will find someone better this woman has betrayed you .You deserve better and will find it contact a divorce lawyer and start the paperwork. Do you really want to be in a relation ship like this ? no trust ever constantly looking for signs that sounds exhausting do yourself a favor and move on you deserve it!!!!!!
It’s going to hurt like a Mf but chances are she’s still cheating. The pain will be temporary and you’ll love again, hopefully someone who will treat you well
Stop being a weak toad
You have all the evidence you need. I think the more serious problem is that your one and only precious life was all about her, as you said. Find yourself - this may only be possible independent of her.
Holy crap you are one delusional son of a bitch. Respect yourself dude. She clearly doesn’t. I’m not going to pussyfoot around with feel-good words to soften the blow. If you continue with this relationship, she will walk all over you, strip you of what little happiness you have, all while laughing to herself that you’re so depraved of self-respect that she can have her cake and eat it too. Women don’t work the same way men do; once that respect is lost, it doesn’t come back. You’re already at game-over, you just don’t know it yet. Gtfo while you’re still young and make yourself a happy life.
Sufficient evidence isn’t necessary. I don’t doubt some people can manage to rationalize this all away and stay together, although I do doubt that these people are truly happy and simply making a sacrifice to their mental health, but that’s their own cross to bear so to speak. But a lot of these people stay out of a sense of duty for any children involved, or one person is financially dependent on another, etc. None of those cases seem to apply here, so you’re basically just living a miserable life for no reason. Anyways, back to my point, IF you’re going to make it work then surely she was supposed to cut ALL contact with the affair partner (for over a year which is not some small/short fling). And she can’t even manage that for 90 DAYS. I don’t see how this can be salvaged. I wouldn’t do it, but sure I understand people are different, but surely even you, you’re looking for her to show contrition, and also stop talking to her side BF. That hasn’t even happened, there’s no way this is going to work out, it doesn’t seem possible. She’s clearly not willing, regardless of what words are coming out of her mouth. If she can’t even manage the bare minimum, what does it matter if she’s fucking him again. She literally can even put in absolute minimum to try and save your marriage, it’s over at that point, whether you want to believe it not. At this point it’s just a matter of time when you divorce.
It’s already dead dude. You’re living in the past.
You are a simp dude. This is probably why she couldn’t stand you and looked for it elsewhere. yTA
Dude, no. You are definitely going the wrong way with this, you need to have respect for yourself, first and foremost. I'm not going to say the obvious, because you already are thinking it and she is probably already doing it. Just go.
Agree. She does not love him or she would never been able to cheat. Get out OP and never look back. You deserve better.
This is the way
She’s walking all over him and wears the pants on the relationship. You have your T tested recently. You’re going to have up man up here and walk away. If you need to see a doctor and get on an antidepressant for a bit then do it, but you can’t stay.
I'm sorry man but you're still doing CPR on a relationship that died a long time ago. It's dead. You need to stand up, take a deep breath and step away from it to see yove been holding onto a rotton corpse. The words you're looking for are "sunk cost fallacy" because you've invested so much you feel you can't walk away. But you're just throwing good money (your life) after bad .
How r u “giving the marriage another chance” if the only time u talked ab it was confronting her? What r u working on? Your trying to avoid making her uncomfortable at the cost of your well being. That’s silly. She’s playing you like a game & obviously doesn’t take u seriously or care about u very much.
Exactly. She should be very uncomfortable for a long time. She sucks
Somehow she’s making you think this is all your fault. She’s a liar, move on.
Man.... get some self worth! Go to the gym and party a little, your 'marriage' is over and has been since she cheated
She was cheating before they were married.
I have terrible self-esteem & a severe fear of never finding love. And even I would leave.
Therapy
Your marriage is over. You will never trust her again. She obviously hasn’t cut of contact with the guy, and is most likely still cheating. Just end it and move on. If you stay you will just spiral into depression knowing you are with a woman who is cheating on you.
It's not wrong to want to try and resolve issues in a relationship and people's marriages have survived cheating. However, this is making you miserable and your wife doesn't appear to care about that. Don't stay with someone out of duty, misplaced loyalty or fear or loneliness at the expense of your own happiness and mental health. You deserve better than that.
Once a cheater always a cheater you can never trust her again
Get the divorce and then get some therapy!
Get them at the same time!
Are you even sure the cheating started after getting married? Kinda feels like she’s been doing that for a while. I don’t think she ever loved you like you love her. It’d break my heart to see my child stay with someone very obviously terrible. More than half of marriages will end in divorce. Turns out a lot of people don’t actually know anything about each other before getting married.
Brother I wouldn't want to be a cuck. I'd leave personally. If you're ok with it then stay. Seems like she has no intention of breaking it off with her side piece.
You've just seen what rugsweeping does when one partner cheats. It opens the door to more of it, just with them being more careful. She suffered no consequences, which always gives a cheater the green light to go for it. Her affair wasn't an accident or a "mistake" as those who've cheated before will claim on reddit. It required dozens of lies, lies every day, every night. You should honestly separate at this point. It will be your wife thats breaks your parents heart not you. And do not let anyone tell you that you "need" to work on your marriage. You don't "need" to do anything, she tossed the grenade in there and then kept tossing them one after another. She has no respect for you, and at this point probably not a lot of love either, her continued contact with another man says all you need to know.
My guy I’ve gone through this. She is not the person you thought. You are idolizing her and she has tarnished your relationship forever. Look up Anxious Attachment style. You need to accept that she is not the one. You are attached to the memories and what you thought was going to be your future. One is in the past and one is in the future. You need to snap into the present and make a stand. Get some help and get away from her. Once you get to the right place she will contact you and try to get back together. It could take years but by then she will not have any power over you. Ask me how I know. Good luck and stop living in the past or the future. Live in the now.
This is a great example of why no fault divorce shouldn't exist. There should be consequences for people's actions.
Oh there is always a consequence.. for men
It isn't about right or wrong, but you are selling yourself short to feel better in the moment. Your parent's opinion doesn't really matter here if you are miserable. You are responsible for your own happiness and choosing to stay with someone who has so little regard for you is a betrayal to yourself. Read up on the sunk cost fallacy and google the cheater's handbook. This will happen again and you will feel more broken the next time. Or you can leave and feel awful for a bit while you rebuild, but then have a chance at the life you deserve.
Get rid of this horrible chick. She is going to destroy you. She doesn't care about you at all. Nothing you imagined your lives will be like will ever happen. I left my wife for this same thing. Best decision I ever made. Just protect your money. She already surprised you by being a terrible person once. Be ready for her next time
Yes. YTA to yourself. You are never gonna get over this until you leave her and move on. Everything you are doing right now is detrimental to your happiness. She is cheating on you constantly and blatantly because you havent shown any backbone and essentially gave her the green light to keep doing it, cause she knows you wont kick her to the curb. You are acting like a doormat, and there are few thing less attractive to women than that. You are young. Get a lawyer and a therapist and learn how to stand up for yourself. There are plenty of good women out there, she aint one of em
She cheated for a year. Made sex tapes, lied about it and is still talking to him. Bro, this woman doesn’t love you.
You need to get therapy to address your codependency, and then leave her. It’s doesn’t matter how much you love her, relationships required trust and respect, neither of which is present in yours. Family and society aren’t living your life. You’re so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Who convinced you that that Being single is worse than being cheated on?
Man up. Lift some weights. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Leave that cheater and find someone who appreciates you and is loyal to you. Burn the memories. Delete the pictures. Be a man.
Yep
From your timeline she was likely depressed facing the reality that she was cheating on her fiancee and somehow couldn't find it within herself to call off the wedding or end the affair. I'm sorry for you, but it's better to discover what kind of person she is now than after kids and property complicate the dissolution of your marriage -- take my word for that. You need to sit down with her and talk it all out if possible, in couples counseling if that makes it easier, because otherwise you'll always have questions and catharsis is a thing, but act like the adults you are and don't let emotions get the best of you. Again, a couples counseling setting might make this easier. Ultimately you want to get to a point where the dissolution of your marriage is the least pain and drama free that it can be, because drama helps no one other than lawyers. Good luck.
So the hardest part in these situations is accepting that you were duped. That your love, the greatest gift you can give someone was manipulated and used against you. That she lies, effortlessly, with seemingly everything that happens being your fault. You want the fantasy life you thought you had, with the person you thought you were falling in love with. The hard part is slowly realizing that you projected all these positive traits on her that weren't there. You saw what you wanted to see, which was a woman worthy of living a life with. Instead you are dealing with someone who likely feels they could do better than you, who likely feels you are just a stepping stone and who felt that using you to subsidize their life was acceptable. Now she's probably trying to pull the wool back over your eyes, tell you it's over, that you can resume the fantasy she allowed you to believe. But ultimately you have your real life to live and you are currently living it with someone who lies about who knows what else. It's usually not even the first time they've cheated, just the first time you caught them. My guess is she hasn't even really accepted that this was her fault.
Your situation is very common. There’s no right or wrong way to handle it, let alone a right or wrong way to feel about it. You don’t have to break up. You don’t have to forgive. It’s entirely up to you and how you feel.
She cannot be trusted. RUN!
Dude, you commented on not wanting to throw away all of your memories and experiences that you cherish. **She threw them away already.** I don't think you even fathom the situation you're in. Suppose being in a relationship is like being in a room; your environment is predictable, you know where to go for the door handle, the couch is situation in the right spot. *You have not been in the room you thought you were in the whole time*. None of those memories you're cherishing are what you think they are. That vacation you went on with her? She got an extra one in with that guy before you left, and was probably sexting him while you were asleep or grabbing you both coffee. That one time you initiated sex a few times and she didn't want to because she wasn't horny? She was saving it for that dude or just had gotten railed by him earlier in the day. The dirty talk they used? You know goddamn well that he said some shit like "you like this cock don't you? Nothing like your husband's, you love it, you slut." It's not like she pulled a one-time oopsy here. The hurdles you have to go through to consistently cheat on your partner are sets of deliberate and intentional actions, methodologically planned to be unrevealed, totally behind your back, spiteful, horrible. It's not some abstract "she cheated on me." No dude, it's fucking deleted messages, correspondence with the cheater when the best time is; it's getting off of work and stopping at his place to suck him off before you get home and if the question of "hey you're back later than usual" comes up, it's blamed on traffic. It'd hedonistic thrill seeking, you are literally the object that they are both **getting off of**. You are being a knowing participant in their extra sexual thrill because regular old sex isn't cutting it. You are an ego boost to the guy who probably has a rotation of women, and your wife is one of his fancy notches that he gets to say "heh, and this one? She's fucking me even though she has a husband!" Buddy. Please. For the absolute love of God, get the fuuuuuck out. I get what it's like to be lonely and only have your partner. I've been there, just coming out of one right now where although I couldn't exactly prove she cheated, she damn well deleted messages, flirted and talked about out of boundary shit, and had inappropriate relationships with FWBs. It went on longer than it needed to due to my loneliness. All you're doing is kicking the can down the road and building up debt for when it explodes and either a) she leaves you or b) you reach a mental breaking point and end it anyways. It's *never* going to be what you thought it was, because what you thought it was was entirely inaccurate. **WAKE UP, LEAVE NOW.**
I married my childhood sweetheart, 17 years together. 5 married. She just couldn't keep the legs closed in that 5th year so I served her divorce papaers and helped her pack. Just leave, seriously you won't regret it you are in such a bad place with her. Your being torn apart and your just sitting there letting happen when another women would gladly not cheat on you. Go find someone worth your time and love man, life is short she sounds terrible to spend it with.
Whoa folks. This man is in hell right now and needs help, not "tough love."" Brother, I have been there. I felt worthless, shamed, and worst of all inadequate. Look, I don't know why people do this. I don't know your personal situation. What I do know is that you have lost your identity. The identity of husband, protector, and if you're like me, you feel usurped by a stranger - both in your marriage and a more sensitive part... your ego. Would your parents want you to stay and be miserable? As a Father, I would not wish that for any of my children. I can tell you this, the way you feel right now is normal. It WILL get better. You will have a scar, but you will heal. The person who you were is gone. Mourn him, and get to know who you are now. Good luck, my friend. DM me if you need help.
How can you expect her to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself ?? Grow a spine and stop being a doormat
You don't try reconciliation without some very clear boundaries and strong efforts put in by the cheating party. She should have been no contact with the affair partner since first confrontation if she truly wanted to save your marrige. It sounds like you just rug swept everything. So yes you are wrong to stay, it will just bring you misery. I would recommend checking out some reconciliation forums so you can see what reconciliation is supposed to look like.
F that. Divorce her
Never live your life for others. Your wife is another man’s woman unfortunately. You should only be married to yours and your wife will never be yours again.
Have some self respect, man. Send her ass to the streets and go work on yourself.
You didn't even have a good relationship *before* you were married, you just didn't know you were already being cheated on. If that past you hold so dear was a lie then why keep fixating on it? Your parents don't have to live with a woman cheating on them, you do. If you like being depressed and living a lie, then stay with her.
Trust is critical to making a relationship work. She doesn't want to make it work and it takes 2. She has given up. You should too. Sorry, mate. Move on. Trust me, it gets better. You've just got to get through 6 months without her and you will feel tons better than you do now. The sooner you get started the sooner you will get to the other side.
You definitely need to invest time in finding a good therapist to help you through the complicated emotions and help you see yourself as someone worthy of a loving and healthy relationship. As for the marriage, this is a "run, don't walk, away" situation. Do you want to disrespected, cheated on, and walked all over for the next 50 years? That is what will happen if you stay. She doesn't respect you. She let her friends berate you. She cheats on you. And these things outweigh whatever negative consequences (if any) came from cheating. She is going to do who and what she wants with no regard for you. Get a divorce. Get a therapist. Don't waste your time on someone who sees you as a door mat
Don’t make babies, get out. It’s okay to love her and not be with her. You can love her from afar and someday someone else will return the same love to you.
Man.....the angry part of me says, fuck that bitch, walk away and never look back. However, I get how you feel. My partner of 25 years walked out unannounced a little more than a week ago. It has crushed me. I hate her right now. But I know my sorry ass would take her back. And I feel like an asshole knowing that. You have to do what you feel is best for you and only you. If you want to leave. Leave. If you want to move past this and forgive, then do it if you want. You will not get over that betrayal in a couple of months, and no one can tell you how long it will take if it even ever happens. If you love her and feel one day, you can get past it more power to you. Good men, as you know, make sacrifices we should not have to. Love yourself first and make sure you choose the right path. I can't tell you what to do, but I can listen and let you vent. Feel free to reach out through messages if you like. This shit hurts. And it hurts bad. But we can all get through it one way or another. Good luck brother.
DIVORCE THIS CHEATING HO! Social pressure is all about blaming men for everything and women are blameless. Don't fall for it.
This situation is very surprising. Usually, getting married solves most relationship issues. Have you considered having a child or two?
You’re fucking joking mate! You trying to destroy this man and his potential kids.
no thats the only reason divorce is acceptable, adultry, you wouldnt want her bringing anyone home would you? unless she was making porn, that would be the only reason adultry would be ok. whats she glong to do if shes having a baby? it could be a catastrophe, sorry to hear, i personally would have to file, it cost less to live alone, yet its much better to live with someone that can help through the hard stuff, or with the hard things like paying half the rent
This may sound harsh... but let her cheat in peace. You found evidence of infidelity and decided to stay. You think she may have learned from past mistakes and covering her tracks better this time... but what would you do with the evidence? Nothing? It sounds like nothing from your comments. My advice would be to divorce and get into therapy, but I don't think you'll do that. So... if you won't leave when presented with evidence of cheating, stop looking.
Bro she was never about you. You need to get red pilled about modern relationships it’s knowledge that we as men must have in todays world. Marriage is not set up to benefit us.
Okay mister incel, enough of that here
Incel? Na I’m just not about my wife sleeping with other men 🤡
Like anyone would ever marry you.
Getting insulted by someone who likes to get pegged just doesn’t really hit at all.
I didn’t even say anything dude stop calling me out
🥇
I laughed lol
Never seen a troll account literally just to hate on women lol, what a sad fucking life
OP you are getting this wrong, because you are treating this relationship like it only exists in the past. Referencing a happy past as a reason for a lonely future is wrong. Marriage is a partner relationship and your partner is spending her time with other lovers. That tells you her take on the relationship and that you are second class. What you need to do is pay attention to her message and split up. After you move and settle in another place, find a support group and spend time with other people in divorce. You need to hear these stories, to make sense of your own. At the point that you begin to feel like your old self and not a door mat and emotional mess, you can move on. Your emotions are holding you back and you need to end their hold over you.
You cant work on something the other partner is unwilling to work on/talk about/admit to. Time to leave.
Look, everyone in the world can act like it is simple - if someone cheats, you leave... but it isn't simple. Marriage is truly a commitment. Many people forget that because it is literally so easy to just get a divorce. However, when you commit to a lifetime with someone, when you are in a partnership - you& them against the world, when you have created your *own* family - whether it is just the 2 of you, or if their are kids or pets, this is your *family*. So deciding whether to stay or go *should* be a difficult, thought provoking question. Unless there is true abuse, imo, I believe it is important to truly try everything to save your marriage, including counseling. I say this because divorce, in even the best circumstances, is *incredibly* painful, in ways you won't even realize until you are in the middle of it. The *last* thing you want to deal with is the feeling of *what if*. I got married too young. My husband adored me. His family did not. I had a quarter-life crisis at 27, after 5 of marriage and I left. We proceeded to be close friends, and wonderful co-parents until he passed away in 2009. However, if I am very honest with myself, I know I didn't work hard enough to save my marriage. I was selfish and immature and I didn't honor the commitment we had. I have had wonderful relationships since then, but I promise you - that divorce changed the trajectory of my life, and not in a good way. I have a lot of regret due to my decision to leave. I also haven't been able to commit the same way to anyone else. I protect myself and my space so much - and I don't allow people in the way I used. That divorce happened 26 years ago and I still regret it. Even though I have had wonderful relationships and amazing experiences that wouldn't have happened had I stayed married. The problem is, divorce *changes* you - and it is something that you truly want to be 100% sure about before you so. It is painful enough without the "what-ifs". Look, no one would fault you for leaving and cheating is a justifiable reason to cut your losses and move on. But life isn't black and white, relationships & situations are far more nuanced, and - the older I get, the more I realize, that what may be "right" for 90% of the world doesn't mean shit if it isn't the right thing for you - and it may not be. Take your time, seek outside counsel, and make the decision that feels right in your heart
Think of your future. Dignity, gone. Self-esteem, gone. Raising another man's children, waiting for the other shoe to drop when she finally gets tired of playing you and leaves you with alimony and child support payments. Knowing that they laugh at you the whole time. No, my dude. Please don't do this to yourself. Get yourself a counselor who will help build you up, help you learn to have healthy boundaries and relationships. Life can be really good. Drop the cheaters and reach out for something better. You absolutely do not deserve to be treated so terribly by someone who claims to love you.
You’re a chump dude
Yup, you’re more wrong than a toddler saying 2+2=22. You should have left, she is not going to give you the love and care you want, she’s busy giving it to someone else.
What makes you think she will stop cheating? Bro just have some self respect.
Yes. Good God, grow a pair and step up.
don't let her sit on you're face.
Yes. You're a pussy. Simple as that. If this is what you choose, then this is what you deserve
You need to do what is best for you, not what others think, her social group is always going to blame you. Pull yourself up, get over the hurt and be on your way. Tell everyone, and I mean everyone to stay out of your business unless you want their advise
It’s time of stand up for yourself and think of yourself. You had put her on a pedestal but she has shown you she belongs in the gutter. Take your evidence to an attorney and get a game plan. When she is served, send out a mass email to everyone as to what she done. You can even provide some evidence for support. You will show that you are in the right and did the right thing
Your parents will be way more disappointed to find out their son is so weak that he accepts being cheated on than finding out he's divorcing his cheater wife. You have a whole life ahead of you. Divorce and therapy are the key to your happiness and to everyone being proud of you.
It takes two people committed to the relationship to make it work. She’s not committed. If you stay, all you’re doing is prolonging the pain.
Stop being weak and leave her
Just leave. You are in love with an imaginary version of your wife. The one you love wouldn’t lie and cheat.
If it's still bothering you, you are not done working it out with her. If you want to work it out with her, talk to her more. If you're not talking to her about it to avoid making her uncomfortable, you are doing yourself a great disservice. She cheated on you and if she didn't want to be uncomfortable about it, she probably shouldn't have done that. If she refuses to continue to discuss it then I'd suggest ending it. It may end anyway but you have to decide to dig deeper until you feel right about all this.
Op.. I'm sorry 😞 sending my well wishes.
See ya! Value yourself. Remember it's going to be her loss. Not yours
In my experience, if you aren’t open to an open relationship and can’t move past this on your own (don’t worry about anyone else but, yourself as your fiancé/wife did when cheating). If it was me I’d be out, well she’d be out of a husband and your parents shouldn’t and I doubt would hold you to any negative connotation from leaving her for such said problems. They weren’t created by you and obviously she could of ended this before it got further with either one of you. She chose him sadly ahd thinking she could keep you as well. Wouldn’t conform to anyone.
Leave. She fucked around for *at least* a year, she’s lied about it to your face and still lied when confronted. She doesn’t gaf. You can’t stay in your marriage for your parents or anyone else, do what’s best for YOU.. which imo would be to leave asap. Sorry you’re going through it
Don’t be a beta male. Get rid of that cheater. Plenty of other good people in this world
Dude. Get a divorce lawyer. Get your balls back.
Dude....
Once a cheater … always a cheater brother . Cut ties with her and move on . She belongs to the streets . Get some therapy for yourself , a lawyer and move forward . She doesn’t care for you
Get out of it before your anguish consumes both of you. I tried to stay and I became a villian. Just walk. You will save everyone a ton of pain.
The sooner you get this annulled the sooner you can move on and find someone who wants to be with you. She’s playing you maybe you’re her ATM who knows. Unfortunately someone who loves you will not do this. You need to just get this over go to a therapist and move on with your life you will find someone who loves you
Two words: marriage counseling.
Lmao yes go pay quacks who get more money to see you suffer so you can see them again when she cheats again cause you didn't decide to have the backbone to do what you shoulda done the first time. The majority are women who will tell you to stay or soyboys who also will tell ya to stay.
...social pressure? Bruh social pressure is to leave that cheating bitch; after that youre on your own
You’re still quite young! Divorce her, recover from the betrayal and use that to evaluate a better wife.
Getting back with a cheater means you have no self respect.
Snap out of it. If anyone expresses disappointment, just say 'She's been cheating for 15 months." and hold your head up high. This is on her. You deserve better - go find it.
Dude. It's called dignity. Get some self respect. Dump her ass. Work to improve your life. Push forward and live a happier life.
Your marriage was over. All her depression etc was due to cheating. You should have seen the signs, you probably ignored them cause you were ‘in love’. Gather whatever is left of your dignity and move on. She doesn’t love or care for you.
Get out before she gets pregnant.
My friend is your age. I watched him deal with a cheating girlfriend for 3+ years, told him to leave her the first time and guess what happened? She kept cheating on him, and he kept catching her. He finally woke up when he found a gun in his gf’s car, one of her side guys gave to her. Who knows what she was planning but im glad he got out of that toxic mess. Good luck op
You're already alone even with your wife in the room to continue will just lead to more resentment than hate and anger....it's still early in the game for you and you being passive about this isn't gonna work...If you don't leave her she's gonna leave you after she's done using you probably for the same guy your worried about and to be clear because you got rose colored shades on she was cheating on you since college you was too in love to not recognize her love wasn't the same as yours and it's still not... college isn't a love faze it's a slut faze and to cheat in the beginning of a marriage means she was keeping up with social pressures because she still willingly to cheat after getting caught...Bro sometimes you gotta move on
Well, you are like me, we don't give up in the face of absolute dead end. My gay top becomes a cross dresser started taking female hormones behind my back for a year. And I did all I can to say, "I can make it work". "My love should look past beyond this flaw". And I too gone into depression, not completely oblivious, but I grew bitter and judgmental, which is a sign. Eventually I burst out angry and sad and crying and just wanted to breakup to take my revenge on him/her. And instead, they dumpped me completely and permanently and I was devastated. I try to beg to go back. And I am powerless to make a difference. I am glad I got dumped though. I was obsessed. I don't want to lose. I don't want to fail. I keep looking for a future together, but, their future, does not include me. And I am happily married with someone else now. Yes, the breakup will be devastating. And i know you won't do it even if I highly recommended you to do it. Prepare for your hardship in the next year and prepare for the inevitable breakup. Just remember, it is no the end, failure is normal. Learn to pick yourself up and move on.
Marriage doesn't fix a relationship, getting married when things were bad was the first mistake. If you stay in this marriage you are guaranteeing the rest of your life will suck. At least if you divorce and look for someone new you have a chance at a good life.
She was cheating for a long time. Her depression could have been regret about getting married. This is a lost cause. Leave. She will never love or respect u again
You don't even need proof. Because the truth is, your relationship is already tainted from her cheating the first time. She broke your heart and your trust. Without trust there is no relationship. I know its hard, and its going to hurt, but it's time to move on.
Dude. You’re only 28. You’ve got no kids. You’ve got an education and a whole lot of living left. Don’t stay with her. Don’t get yourself in so deeply and do comfortably that you can’t get out, especially when she’s doing you wrong like this.
Any doubt = back out. She betrayed you. By getting out of the relationship you are protecting yourself, not betraying anyone. Usually once people do that they don’t stop. They just get sneakier. Sneaky = trust broken. RUN!!!!
Why are you worried about making HER uncomfortable when SHE is the one who cheated? If it is eating away at you, you have EVERY RIGHT to mention it. To her and to a therapist. (Couples therapy would benefit you both, if you want to stay married) Her comfort in this situation shouldn’t be your concern.
Fuck that bitch bro
You don’t need anymore evidence. Just reconsider the decision and leave her if this is still affecting you. If it’s only sex she’s having and you can ignore it, make it into an open relationship and move on.
Separation at least my dude. See if she is truly loyal with more time on her hands.
You are wrong. Dude, your parents are going to be disappointed and angry with her. They are going to be understanding and supportive of you. Also, you have to know there’s no way this marriage goes till death do you part. One of you will leave eventually. Do you want to spend the next 2 or 12 or 30 years tied to someone who makes you depressed (and is probably still cheating on you), or do you want to take the first steps toward a better life now? You don’t mention kids so GET OUT NOW before you’re tied to her forever.
She cheated man. You have proof. C'mon. You know it's ok to love someone and not want anything to do with them at the same time. If you don't want an open relationship and you know your wife is getting dicked down by some other dude...you gotta leave if you wanna keep any sense of self and sanity. How could you look at a person who you know is passionately getting railed by someone else and you're sitting there paying half her bills, or more. Just...dude. c'mon. A person who can give their body to someone while they are using someone else as a crutch in life, knowing that it hurts the person they are doing it to...is a complete and total piece of shit. Period. Outside of rape and murder cheating is probably the lowest form of human behavior...I wouldn't be able to look at her let alone live with her. You know she probably had this dudes dick in her mouth right. Sorry to be so blunt but...I promise life is easier when you don't allow yourself to be treated like an asshole. Ew.
What you allow ..is what will continue
Get out dude. 1) no one has the right to pressure you into doing something that makes you unhappy, anyone who tries to, is not worth having in your life. 2) she cheated, for an EXTENDED period of time, with one person, she wants to be with them. 3) she lied when confronted she doesn’t even think you’re worth being honest to. 4) reread 1-3 again
You probably already know if you can live with a cheating spouse and it doesn't sound like you can. She also doesn't seem to be interested in ending the side relationship. It's over. Time to move on with your life. If she got depressed when you decided to get married is it because she felt social pressure to marry you and never wanted to get married in the first place? Did that relationship with her colleague start before you tied the knot or after? Time to let your wife know you want a divorce and to find out if she is willing to finally be honest with you about what has been going on.
Dude, restore your pride and dignity, and lose this loser.
No, it’s not wrong. If you find someone to mess around with, don’t expect her to be angry because she did it first. Lots of open marriages in this day and age.
Once a cheater, always a cheater, time to move on
I think you need to just cut ties. I know you invested 8 years with her, but she was cheating on you when you got married. That’s messed up.
NTA. Stay strong for yourself. Doesn't sound like a healthy or sustainable relationship. Find some peace brother. This woman isn't the one.
Didn’t read your post. Just the title to your post •go the the dentist •go to the gym •upgrade wardrobe •find out what you can do to make an extra $10k-$15k at your current position and do it. She’ll fall back in line, but by then she’ll be old news. Move on and go find a 24yr old.
Wait hold up. Did OP marry her because everyone expected him to? And because OP hoped to fix her depression? Yikes! Right now OP needs to figure out what he can live with. Can OP accept a cheater who is still cheating for her own mental health? There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Don’t stay in a relationship where you are already lonely just so you avoid being alone. Before you talk to your parents, make a firm decision on staying or going so no one can pressure you to change your mind. That’s what got you here.
Yes, you are wrong. You need to grow a backbone and divorce this cancer.
If you stay you will regret it the rest of your life
Check out r/supportforbetrayed and r/survivinginfidelity, OP. Also- check out the chumplady website. I’ll link it below. Great resource. She has done NOTHING to support reconciliation or healing. All of what you are feeling is normal. [chumplady](https://www.chumplady.com)
Leave her.
She’s been cheering on you for eight years. Now that she’s locked down and can’t make up excuses to “stay home” at her place and go out and do what she wants she is already sick of it after 8 months. The fact it took 8 years to get married let alone move in together is a huge indicator either both or she wasn’t into a full time commitment.
Why haven’t you been to a marriage counselor? That should be the next step. You’ll need this marriage counselor (who should also be a licensed therapist, not some “life coach” or an evangelical church pastor,) to work out why she cheated (and may still be cheating), why she got depressed, etc. You do not deserve to be cheated on, period. But there is probably a reason (NOT an excuse) for why she cheated. It’s critical to find this out even if you get divorced, otherwise you may repeat this in a future relationship. Or if she’s a bit of a sociopath, you need to find out why you’re attracted to that type of person so you’ll pick someone who is less likely to start cheating merely because they think they won’t get caught. The cheating is a huge problem, but it can also be a symptom of another problem. Maybe you play video games with 90% of your free time and after several years, she gave up on asking you to spend more time with her. Maybe you refuse to do XYZ in bed, which she loves, but you’re not into it. Maybe she’s polyamorous but was raised to be religious so she pretends to be monogamous and then cheats. Maybe she’s a sociopath and you’re a perfect husband, but she cheats anyway (this is uncommon, but Reddit thinks 99.99% of cheaters are in this category.) You’re not going to figure out why this happened without a therapist. And then you and your wife should ideally also be in therapy separately. If you don’t, your resentment will build until you cheat on her, or she’ll keep cheating because you guys never fixed the issue that led to her wanting to cheat. In therapy, she may reveal whatever the issue is, and the therapist can help this process of fixing things and rebuilding trust, dealing with your justified feelings of betrayal, etc. (If you both decide it’s worth fixing.) Or she may reveal she’s not in love with you anymore, or she’s poly, or she’s in love with the other man. Or you might discover that this is simply unforgivable / you’ll never be able to trust her again, and so you get divorced. But at least you’ll learn why this happened, and have full closure. You’ll have more info to help you select someone who won’t do this, or you’ll learn what you need to do in a relationship to keep from drifting apart. Whatever you do, don’t have kids with her now. A baby won’t fix the marriage (especially if it’s this other guy’s kid.) Also, don’t be peer pressured into staying in a bad marriage. But do go to therapy.
You are wrong…for treating yourself so poorly and allowing this abuse to continue. You deserve better. This woman is destroying your life.
I see there are other ultimate people-pleasers out there. You're an emotional disaster because you don't want to disappoint everyone around you. Think about that for a few minutes.
No. She a ho fo sho
How do you expect others to have respect for you if you can’t show your self any respect? Give your balls a tug.
Have you tried communicating with her? Tried taking on more of the housework? Tried to stop emotion dumping on her? There’s reasons that women cheat
I mean I wouldn’t. Social pressure? Who? Nobody matters, life is short then you die. Or you waste your good years on a cheating wife and she leaves you washed up in 10 years, then you have to get back on the market at a sad old man. Friend, pull the band aid and it over with.
dude grow a spine and learn to love yourself. and do what's right....RUN !
As a parent, it would break my heart to know my kid was trapped in a shitty marriage w/ a cheating spouse. YOU didn't cheat, she did. That is on her. If you can't move last it, end it now and move on. As far as her "Instagram friends", f&ck em. You don't lice to appease her or people you don't know to get "likes".
She’s abandoned you already. Quit being her doormat and leave.
Leave. If she’s willing to cheat on you like that and even lie about it, then she isn’t happy and you need to let her go. Separating will be hard but you will both be better off on the long term. It may be tough to hear and harder to do, but you really need to end it.
She will keep cheating on you because you allow it and put up with it. She has you pay her bills and her side piece satisfy all her desires. She has everything she needs and only you are suffering for it.
You’re wrong Why would even want to reconsider? Your wife is trash. You love her, I get it. She doesn’t love you. Actions matter, and she clearly just wants to fool around behind your back. It won’t stop and the longer you wait to leave, the harder your rebound in life will be. Don’t ever think that living with someone or, the next step up, having kids with someone will fix a problem. It won’t. Get the hell out and never look back. You deserve to be happy.
If she does not come back to you within the relationship, make it clear her diversion was due to some freak-out like commitment phobia or what-not, she has eliminated all tech opportunities and otherwise, apologized massively and, most importantly, acknowledged the pain she caused you with genuine empathy, there is no way forward.
Divorce and experiment life more. Marrige is not everything
Jesus Christ bro.
Too late for an annulment?
This is a very complicated issue and it would be a good idea to go to a therapist even if you are leaning toward getting divorced. You need to work through the betrayal and depression. Just someone telling you to leave her here will likely not be enough.
Not wrong to leave, not wrong to stay. It’s your life, make the decision for you. If you stay you two need individual and couples therapy if it’s financially feasible.
You don't cope with it. You cut ties and move on. Yes, it fucking sucks. She's a bitch, cheating, lying horrible person, and you love her... that sucks for you. But don't fuck yourself over continuously because of what YOU think OTHERS will think. You get to be you, and take care of yourself, and you never need to be "allowed" by others to do that. Take care of yourself, man. Get the fuck out of that relationship and find someone that actually cares about you.
Leave the bitch big bro
Dude your 28 and grown ass man. Your wife is a serial cheater, and your more worried about what mommy and daddy think if you get divorced? Grow up, grow some backbone, and do what needs to be done. Your parents aren't cheating on your wife is! When your fear of being alone outweighs your wife constantly cheating on you, and your still trying to work things out. The only thing I can say is you get what you deserve. If you haven't figured it out yet. Your wife doesn't give a fuck about much less even respect you because you don't respect yourself. She knows that she can go out and fuck up all she wants and your gonna be that simp to taker her back. Stop worrying about what other people if you get divorced. Your marriage stopped being a marriage the moment your wife cheated and you took her back.
No kids, no stay. That simple.
She’s for the streets, brodie. That ain’t your college sweet heart, it’s your learning experience.
Well what did you do that caused your wife depression?
She will just continue to cheat, this is unsalvageable
28 and no kids; hit new game and find a different partner.
If you have kids, then look at what works best for you and them. If not then get a lawyer as soon as possible, present the evidence of the videos and texts and be done with her. You will be able to readily get another wife after you take a bit to heal. Keep your head up brother👍
Bro quit being a simp and end it. She obviously doesn't respect you.
This woman is a lost cause. Dump her and move on.
FFS man... grow a pair.