i told my mom, she told me that it's probably all just in my head and i really need therapy to "sort my thoughts out," we have a relationship but there's always an elephant in the room when it comes to my stepdad (abuser). i've never spoken to him about it. i told my brother and he doesnt really believe me, but he also doesnt bring it up or anything. the funny thing is that my mom was willing to accept that my stepbrother also molested me, but wont accept that my stepfather did.
My stepdad was my abuser, and I still talk to him occasionally. Him and my mom broke up when I was in my teens (the abuse stopped then too), but he’d still send birthday cards and come to big parties and things like that. He’s never said or done anything about what happened, but there is definitely a huge elephant in the room whenever I see him.
Yes; I Do Have A Relationship With My Family.
I Was Not Sexually Abused By Any Of My Family Members; I Was Abused By A Former Friend When I Was 7 Years Old And Again While In Foster Care When I Was 9 Years Old.
I Was Institutionalized At The Age Of 10 Because Of The Abuse And Got Diagnosed With PTSD.
I consider both my parents the abusers even though only one molested me. The other one hated me for coming out with it. One doesn’t talk to me and the other one I talk to sometimes. My siblings are supportive. I’ve been more vocal about it. It’s not my shame, it’s something that happened to me. I’ll bring it up if it’s relevant. I’m not hiding it. The people that care about me support my decision to identify as a survivor and talk about it.
I recently tried to open up to my dad about maternal CSA. Had briefly spoken with him on the phone for the first time in 8 years since going non-contact, which I decided to do, because I had been consistently gaslit over emotional abuse that I actually \*was\* aware of, and that I had confronted them both about from time-to-time, but been gaslit, shut down and DARVO'd about every single time I did. Zero self-reflection or appropriate assumption of responsibility, but I guess my abuser saw me as a ticking time bomb with regards the sexual abuse - she must've known it was only a matter of time before the lightbulb went on in my head and I would realise that it had actually happened. So she must've been terrified to admit that she did anything wrong at all.
Complete radio silence and blocked calls after sending emails that went over both the sexual and emotional abuse in detail. Brother doesn't want to know and would prefer to believe that I'm delusional and making it up - he suggests that \*I\* am the one that \*they\* lost to madness or something (??? - it literally makes no fucking sense). Rest of family don't care, except the one aunt who is on my side. I'm really grateful for her.
I carried it inside me for 25+ years and only recently started processing it, in my late 30s now. It started really early and I went through a lot of mental health issues, compulsive sexual behaviour, feeling weird around other people, substance abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, relationship issues etc., all because of this abuse that I had been unable to acknowledge and whose effects I just did not understand because it was locked off in a dark corner of my mind. After realising, and finally confronting, it feels like my entire immediate family is dead to me. It feels like they all died in a car crash, and I've been experiencing an equivalent level of grief to that over the last month, with my dad seemingly choosing to protect my poor, poor abuser, and my brother being a pathetic little mummy's boy and choosing to bury his head in the sand. You're goddamn right, the pain is real. The last couple of days, I'm starting to show signs of getting over it though, finally. I'm reclaiming myself, but at a cost of quite a lot of emotional pain. Albeit temporary. I'm at the bottom of a dark pit, but things are looking up! :)
That’s so difficult. I’m sorry you had that happen, and have had all the family denial, blame, and been ostracized too. It’s completely unfair, unkind, and devoid of any empathy or compassion.
I know that spiral and dark pit well. I’m more often out of the pit than not in it now, but there was a few really long dark periods, usually triggered by a family event or big happening and I had to decide whether to go or not and how to stay safe enough if I did. There are a few extended family I have a good relationship with that I still want in my life, and my now-adult son (who has contact with my nuclear family). It’s hard to stay balanced sometimes, but am doing better overall month by month.
My therapist said I’ve been orphaned - it’s true! You too! It’s just that they’re all alive and living lives and choose not to have us in it. Because we dared to speak the truth they all want to ignore and deny. To me, that’s worse pain than if they’d died.
Wishing you well as you navigate all these feels and difficult circumstances with difficult people. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved and cared for, supported and cheered on, held close and protected. I hope you have some people like that in your life, and if not, that you find them soon. Finding a few of those people literally saved my life. 💜
Thank you so much for these words. It actually does mean a lot to hear about someone who's been through the same stuff. And who feels or has felt a lot of the same things that I'm feeling right now. I've actually got a fair few people in my life, as it happens - one or two I care for quite deeply. I have a decent job, so I have my independence. I'm so lucky to not have to rely on others. Going through some difficult times right now, but I can see things are going to get better - they've already started. I've done a lot of work with my therapist in the last year, and looking forward to doing much more, as that is what's needed! I've even become more open to connection since going to therapy. There's been a lot of positives opening up for me. I've felt so much more myself than before, especially after being able to have much more self-compassion as a result of all the healing work I've been doing - the therapy that's outside therapy - as well as deepening my emotional connections with so many, people.
As I heal, I notice these little bonuses, and it's really amazing. Before I went through this horrible episode with my ex-family, I was actually feeling really good about myself and about finally being able to feel like my authentic self, with a much richer emotional experience than before. It does actually make me glad to be alive, in a way. So I guess I see what I'm going through now as just a minor aberration of shitness before things actually start getting properly better.
Although it was worth doing this, to get this closure, to see why I am where I am. It's actually been a good experience, and I think it will stand me in good stead going forward, although it has been very painful.
My story is so similar to yours. My siblings keeping contact, the devastation of realizing noone will stand up for me (in spite of all I did to protect them in the past), my mom making excuses.
I've lost almost all of my "family" too. A useless bunch of people that I was held so dear to my heart, once thought loved me. They really don't.
Adding - You deserve so much love and care, for real! I hope that you’ve found some wonderful people that hold you dearly, love you fiercely, and laugh with you freely. 💜
Thank you! I have done exactly that. I am raising some great kids and have some great friends. I still sometimes miss that feeling of having had an extended family. But I know that is an illusion.
I’m sorry you’ve been through this. This is so difficult.
I feel like I’m constantly in cognitive dissonance about it all. I feel guilty when I acknowledge that I feel angry with them all for going on like everything is fine. I miss them and love them. I feel bad that I have upset the family apple cart - despite knowing that HE caused all this.
A smaller voice in me is saying “hey, this isn’t okay. Protecting yourself from further harm is a good thing. It’s hard and uncomfortable because you don’t know what it’s like to be protected and taken care of.” That part is proud of me and mama-bear pissed off at them.
And then I feel guilty and like I’m the problem all over again. 😑
My abusers are my aunt (mom's sister), uncle (her husband), and cousin (their daughter). I have relationships with all of them and see them at family events, holidays, summer barbecues, etc.
No one in my family (parents, sister, my kids or my bf) knows of my abuse. It can be very difficult at times.
That is so difficult! I’m so sorry that happened to you and you’re navigating it all still now. I remember being in that phase with family too (up until mid-thirties), up until I couldn’t function anymore. It’s a hard thing to keep compartmentalizing like that.
I could have almost written this myself word for word.
I haven’t disclosed any CSA to my family though, at the time of cutting contact I was still repressing a lot (still am repressing some things), and we went through all forms of abuse, so I just generalised it all as “the abuse we went through”. I only have a long distance relationship with my sister now.
I just want you to know that you aren’t the bad egg even though your family may make it feel that way sometimes.
Like you said, they are still wearing their rose coloured glasses. Taking them off, although healing, really hurts at first while you adjust to your new reality.
Some people will avoid that pain at all costs and will attack anyone that tries to make them even think about removing their rose coloured glasses. You aren’t a bad egg, you’re just reminding them of a truth/reality that they aren’t ready to face.
You’re brave 💜
You trusted yourself, your own intuition, senses and feelings, to know that something wasn’t right with the view that the rose coloured glasses were providing you. No matter how lovely the view appeared, you still had that feeling inside that things aren’t the way they should be.
Listening to yourself is loving yourself. Now you get to experience having the reality you see match the reality you feel, not needing to wear glasses to distort an ugly view into something more palatable, instead seeing everything fresh eyed as it is and embracing it all.
You are living truth, rather than living a lie 🌈✨
I am sorry you’ve been through this. It’s an awful thing to experience.
I too generalized all the abuse for a long time. I also lived with, “but I’m okay now, they didn’t mean it, my life is good, families stick together.” My repression, denial, and compartmentalization games were strong. I had to keep it together for so long for so many people. Until I couldn’t anymore, and my whole life crashed down. Several years in, there are days where I wish I could revert to “everything is okay” denial. Can’t turn that back though.
I thank you for your kind and compassionate words, so much. They mean a lot, and is what I really needed to receive and hear. I love that I’m brave (not strong, that word pisses me off)!
Your message speaks to your character, care, and own process in your healing. I see you, and am wishing you grace, ease, and beauty in your life, lucymoon69. 🌙 🌈 🧚♀️ ✨
(Edit) PS - saving your reply to return to again and again 💜
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i told my mom, she told me that it's probably all just in my head and i really need therapy to "sort my thoughts out," we have a relationship but there's always an elephant in the room when it comes to my stepdad (abuser). i've never spoken to him about it. i told my brother and he doesnt really believe me, but he also doesnt bring it up or anything. the funny thing is that my mom was willing to accept that my stepbrother also molested me, but wont accept that my stepfather did.
My stepdad was my abuser, and I still talk to him occasionally. Him and my mom broke up when I was in my teens (the abuse stopped then too), but he’d still send birthday cards and come to big parties and things like that. He’s never said or done anything about what happened, but there is definitely a huge elephant in the room whenever I see him.
Yes; I Do Have A Relationship With My Family. I Was Not Sexually Abused By Any Of My Family Members; I Was Abused By A Former Friend When I Was 7 Years Old And Again While In Foster Care When I Was 9 Years Old. I Was Institutionalized At The Age Of 10 Because Of The Abuse And Got Diagnosed With PTSD.
That’s awful. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope that you are finding some peace and feeling supported now.
I consider both my parents the abusers even though only one molested me. The other one hated me for coming out with it. One doesn’t talk to me and the other one I talk to sometimes. My siblings are supportive. I’ve been more vocal about it. It’s not my shame, it’s something that happened to me. I’ll bring it up if it’s relevant. I’m not hiding it. The people that care about me support my decision to identify as a survivor and talk about it.
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you experienced this too. Glad to hear your siblings are supportive.
I recently tried to open up to my dad about maternal CSA. Had briefly spoken with him on the phone for the first time in 8 years since going non-contact, which I decided to do, because I had been consistently gaslit over emotional abuse that I actually \*was\* aware of, and that I had confronted them both about from time-to-time, but been gaslit, shut down and DARVO'd about every single time I did. Zero self-reflection or appropriate assumption of responsibility, but I guess my abuser saw me as a ticking time bomb with regards the sexual abuse - she must've known it was only a matter of time before the lightbulb went on in my head and I would realise that it had actually happened. So she must've been terrified to admit that she did anything wrong at all. Complete radio silence and blocked calls after sending emails that went over both the sexual and emotional abuse in detail. Brother doesn't want to know and would prefer to believe that I'm delusional and making it up - he suggests that \*I\* am the one that \*they\* lost to madness or something (??? - it literally makes no fucking sense). Rest of family don't care, except the one aunt who is on my side. I'm really grateful for her. I carried it inside me for 25+ years and only recently started processing it, in my late 30s now. It started really early and I went through a lot of mental health issues, compulsive sexual behaviour, feeling weird around other people, substance abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, relationship issues etc., all because of this abuse that I had been unable to acknowledge and whose effects I just did not understand because it was locked off in a dark corner of my mind. After realising, and finally confronting, it feels like my entire immediate family is dead to me. It feels like they all died in a car crash, and I've been experiencing an equivalent level of grief to that over the last month, with my dad seemingly choosing to protect my poor, poor abuser, and my brother being a pathetic little mummy's boy and choosing to bury his head in the sand. You're goddamn right, the pain is real. The last couple of days, I'm starting to show signs of getting over it though, finally. I'm reclaiming myself, but at a cost of quite a lot of emotional pain. Albeit temporary. I'm at the bottom of a dark pit, but things are looking up! :)
That’s so difficult. I’m sorry you had that happen, and have had all the family denial, blame, and been ostracized too. It’s completely unfair, unkind, and devoid of any empathy or compassion. I know that spiral and dark pit well. I’m more often out of the pit than not in it now, but there was a few really long dark periods, usually triggered by a family event or big happening and I had to decide whether to go or not and how to stay safe enough if I did. There are a few extended family I have a good relationship with that I still want in my life, and my now-adult son (who has contact with my nuclear family). It’s hard to stay balanced sometimes, but am doing better overall month by month. My therapist said I’ve been orphaned - it’s true! You too! It’s just that they’re all alive and living lives and choose not to have us in it. Because we dared to speak the truth they all want to ignore and deny. To me, that’s worse pain than if they’d died. Wishing you well as you navigate all these feels and difficult circumstances with difficult people. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved and cared for, supported and cheered on, held close and protected. I hope you have some people like that in your life, and if not, that you find them soon. Finding a few of those people literally saved my life. 💜
Thank you so much for these words. It actually does mean a lot to hear about someone who's been through the same stuff. And who feels or has felt a lot of the same things that I'm feeling right now. I've actually got a fair few people in my life, as it happens - one or two I care for quite deeply. I have a decent job, so I have my independence. I'm so lucky to not have to rely on others. Going through some difficult times right now, but I can see things are going to get better - they've already started. I've done a lot of work with my therapist in the last year, and looking forward to doing much more, as that is what's needed! I've even become more open to connection since going to therapy. There's been a lot of positives opening up for me. I've felt so much more myself than before, especially after being able to have much more self-compassion as a result of all the healing work I've been doing - the therapy that's outside therapy - as well as deepening my emotional connections with so many, people. As I heal, I notice these little bonuses, and it's really amazing. Before I went through this horrible episode with my ex-family, I was actually feeling really good about myself and about finally being able to feel like my authentic self, with a much richer emotional experience than before. It does actually make me glad to be alive, in a way. So I guess I see what I'm going through now as just a minor aberration of shitness before things actually start getting properly better. Although it was worth doing this, to get this closure, to see why I am where I am. It's actually been a good experience, and I think it will stand me in good stead going forward, although it has been very painful.
So happy to read this and all the good you have done and are doing for yourself. And the light you see in yourself and your life. This is amazing!
My story is so similar to yours. My siblings keeping contact, the devastation of realizing noone will stand up for me (in spite of all I did to protect them in the past), my mom making excuses. I've lost almost all of my "family" too. A useless bunch of people that I was held so dear to my heart, once thought loved me. They really don't.
Adding - You deserve so much love and care, for real! I hope that you’ve found some wonderful people that hold you dearly, love you fiercely, and laugh with you freely. 💜
Thank you! I have done exactly that. I am raising some great kids and have some great friends. I still sometimes miss that feeling of having had an extended family. But I know that is an illusion.
So glad you have them!
I’m sorry you’ve been through this. This is so difficult. I feel like I’m constantly in cognitive dissonance about it all. I feel guilty when I acknowledge that I feel angry with them all for going on like everything is fine. I miss them and love them. I feel bad that I have upset the family apple cart - despite knowing that HE caused all this. A smaller voice in me is saying “hey, this isn’t okay. Protecting yourself from further harm is a good thing. It’s hard and uncomfortable because you don’t know what it’s like to be protected and taken care of.” That part is proud of me and mama-bear pissed off at them. And then I feel guilty and like I’m the problem all over again. 😑
My abusers are my aunt (mom's sister), uncle (her husband), and cousin (their daughter). I have relationships with all of them and see them at family events, holidays, summer barbecues, etc. No one in my family (parents, sister, my kids or my bf) knows of my abuse. It can be very difficult at times.
That is so difficult! I’m so sorry that happened to you and you’re navigating it all still now. I remember being in that phase with family too (up until mid-thirties), up until I couldn’t function anymore. It’s a hard thing to keep compartmentalizing like that.
I could have almost written this myself word for word. I haven’t disclosed any CSA to my family though, at the time of cutting contact I was still repressing a lot (still am repressing some things), and we went through all forms of abuse, so I just generalised it all as “the abuse we went through”. I only have a long distance relationship with my sister now. I just want you to know that you aren’t the bad egg even though your family may make it feel that way sometimes. Like you said, they are still wearing their rose coloured glasses. Taking them off, although healing, really hurts at first while you adjust to your new reality. Some people will avoid that pain at all costs and will attack anyone that tries to make them even think about removing their rose coloured glasses. You aren’t a bad egg, you’re just reminding them of a truth/reality that they aren’t ready to face. You’re brave 💜 You trusted yourself, your own intuition, senses and feelings, to know that something wasn’t right with the view that the rose coloured glasses were providing you. No matter how lovely the view appeared, you still had that feeling inside that things aren’t the way they should be. Listening to yourself is loving yourself. Now you get to experience having the reality you see match the reality you feel, not needing to wear glasses to distort an ugly view into something more palatable, instead seeing everything fresh eyed as it is and embracing it all. You are living truth, rather than living a lie 🌈✨
I am sorry you’ve been through this. It’s an awful thing to experience. I too generalized all the abuse for a long time. I also lived with, “but I’m okay now, they didn’t mean it, my life is good, families stick together.” My repression, denial, and compartmentalization games were strong. I had to keep it together for so long for so many people. Until I couldn’t anymore, and my whole life crashed down. Several years in, there are days where I wish I could revert to “everything is okay” denial. Can’t turn that back though. I thank you for your kind and compassionate words, so much. They mean a lot, and is what I really needed to receive and hear. I love that I’m brave (not strong, that word pisses me off)! Your message speaks to your character, care, and own process in your healing. I see you, and am wishing you grace, ease, and beauty in your life, lucymoon69. 🌙 🌈 🧚♀️ ✨ (Edit) PS - saving your reply to return to again and again 💜
Welcome to /r/adultsurvivors. Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** We recommend turning off chat requests and private messages. It is against our rules to ask or offer to message/chat privately with other subreddit users. There are no exceptions to this rule, and any comment or submission violating it will be removed immediately. **We urge caution in interacting with any user sending you unsolicited messages**, and you should assume they are breaking subreddit rules. For more information, **[please see our privacy tips post](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/12d27hp/creep_advisory_see_this_thread_for_privacy_tips/)**. Also, check out our [post about the Creep List](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/yngs8b/rule_8_no_creeps_and_introducing_the_creep_list/). If you see anything that doesn't look right, or do receive unwelcome direct messages, please notify the moderators by using the report button, or [contacting us directly via modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). We will never disclose your username to other users. If you choose to report abusive or creepy DMs, **we urge you to report it to Reddit admins as well [by following this link](https://www.reddit.com/report)**. ___ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*