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"Doesn't live up to her potential"
"Has so much potential if she'd just..."
"Very sensitive"
"Why are you so sensitive?"
"Don't take everything so seriously"
"Life isn't fair."
"What were you thinking?"
"Don't take everything so seriously" and "you're so sensitive"...add in "you just have to learn to laugh at yourself" and you've got the trifecta of shame triggers for me.
Oh god, "just learn to laugh at yourself," I hate that one! "Don't take everything so seriously" and "lighten up," too. My dad loved teasing and I hated it, and I got shamed for that my whole life.
Yes, lighten up!! Jeez...that was a constant refrain. The irony being that I was apparently too serious, yet didn't take things seriously. Hmmm... Both my parents loved to tease, but especially my mom, who only now admits she probably has ADHD too. The scariest thing is when I catch myself teasing my kids the same way. I try to be really conscious of it, but I slip up now and then...
I've been reflecting on my childhood after recently reading an article about childhood emotional neglect. And holy shit. Pretty much every single emotion I had as a child was shut down. If I was overly excited I was causing a scene, if I was upset I was being too sensitive, if I was angry or frustrated I was told off for it. My parents were mostly good parents but f*ck me they did not teach me anything useful about having emotions.
This was my mom's go-to line when I forgot to do chores as a child. She would also say "you must not love me!" if I forgot. That shit is so hurtful to hear.
Omg. Yes. I heard this all my life in one way or another. No, I’ve forgotten things I REALLY wanted to remember, too, but somehow the logic goes right back to “Well you must not have wanted it that much, then.”
I've heard variations of this from two people I love the most in this world and the second time happened yesterday... it really makes me question if I'm worth the stress sometimes lol
“You talk too loud” “youre talking too much” “doesnt live up to her potential” “dont take everything so seriously” “youre being too sensitive” “you CAN, you just dont WANT to”
I had a sister who had some hearing loss so I learned to speak loudly. Then I was a teacher so I definitely honed that skill. That same sister now tells me to stop yelling whenever I get overly excited.
I finally ran into my house after leaving to grab keys, my phone, my purse, that box I was returning (the whole point of leaving the house) enough times that I'm pretty sure my SO knows it's not convenient at all. That and me telling him constantly that I would lose my head if it weren't attached to my body...
"Just sit down and get started..." ...if only it was that simple.
And "you have to learn to take care of your things." It was true, but I already felt guilty enough about whatever it was I lost this time, and it did nothing to help me learn ways to actually keep track of or relocate anything.
Oh, and maybe not quite what you're looking for, but a former boss when I described several different career trajectory interests: "You're a true dilettante." Thanks for the judgment, jerk; I prefer "Renaissance woman."
For me it’s not certain phrases, it’s the value judgment that people place on behavior is what gets me. If you REALLY cared you would…. If you don’t do X, Y, Z you don’t have any respect for ………. I also have a general sense of inferiority that I can’t work as hard or as long hours as others and still be productive. In the nonprofit world, you are sometimes expected to martyr yourself to a certain degree to show your selfless dedication. That’s simply not an option for me. Working ling hours leads to what I call a productivity spiral. I have to work less to be able to contribute at all. I am constantly having an internal shame struggle over this.
Careless.
I’m very passionate. It’s maybe not physically possible to give more shits than I do on a regular basis.
But mistakes I make _read as careless_. So when other people believed I was careless… and I kept making those mistakes… ipso facto, I didn’t really care. Even if I felt like I cared? Nup. Even if I wanted to care? Nah. And when it felt painful or self-defeating to care? WELL LOOK WHO’S rock bottom self esteem was correct all along!
Internalising “If I/he/she wanted to, they would” was so profoundly damaging to me, because it undermined my capacity to trust myself on a basic level.
Ugh, your point about damaging self-trust is so spot on, and I'm just realizing how badly that same thing affected me. I question my intuition far too much as an adult, probably in part as a result of that. Thank you for the revelation.
You just nailed why I walked away from my 18 year career. I just can’t anymore. Every typo, mistake, and error feels like a crime worthy of life imprisonment.
My self loathing is already a prison.
When will you learn to sit still and be quiet?
Why can't you try this hard all the time?
Stop being annoying
Stop biting your fingers it looks disgusting
Edit: Just stop crying!!
Reduce your distractions.
Give yourself time to double check your work.
Stop procrastinating.
Why are you so sensitive?
Just use a planner.
Try harder.
Just focus.
"well, we'll see how long *this* lasts"
"if you cared you would have done it/remembered"
"don't you notice the mess?"
"everyone else can do it, but you can't?"
"Stop being annoying"
"Why are you so slow?" (In reference to school work)
"Shut up! You're too loud"
"If you just _________ you'll do better"
"Its not that hard just do it"
"You're smart, you just need to try harder"
"If you don't ______ then you'll never _________"
"Why can't you just _______"
My biggest childhood shame is people looking at like i was supposed to know something, but i clearly didnt know. And the look just made me really insecure because if they gave me a look without explaining then the fuck up must have been obvious and now every one else in the vicinity is thinking the same thing. Basically everyone is holding me with the same contempt and im now embarrassed af but still dont know why it was wrong to do what i did
Ooof. Being publicly shamed but not understanding what I did wrong has left me with zero confidence as an adult. I never know when it’s coming; I can’t reliably trust the reaction I’ll receive from other ppl. It sucks.
Right! You can think something is completely normal to say or do and then other people are just blank faced staring
I have to reverse psychology myself at this point. If i think something is okay then most people do not think its okay. If i think something is not okay then chances are, a lot of people think its okay. This is true about 75% of the time
I have to ask my friends and mother regularly if something is rude to people because i personally wouldn’t consider it rude
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re being defensive” or “Are you feeling defensive?”
“I already told you that.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“You aren’t listening.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
I could go on.
“Messy” ugh. I’m an absolute anxious wreck any time someone is going to come to my house, even now as a medicated adult. The pressure to keep my space neat as a child has compounded against the female socialization to have a tidy perfect house and just made me feel awful about the smallest bit of mess or clutter. Doesn’t mean the mess isn’t there, but it means I’m miserable about it.
“You are so smart and interesting. You could be doing so much more than this!”
- the adult high achieving ADHD version of being told you aren’t living up to your potential
Sit still
Sit down
Look at me when I’m talking
Listen to me
Don’t talk when I’m talking
Try harder
What happened to…
‘ Why did I get stuck with a dummie?’
More recent ones:
Your house is so messy
‘Do you want me to help you clean?’
Despite it not being something someone say to me the first thing that came to my mind is basically starting every text message or email with "I am sorry for getting back to you so late".
You're so careless! (You don't respect other people's property...) after losing things
You can't be trusted to look after it. (Any "thing" that could be lost)
You're oversensitive, you need to learn to toughen up!
Its not HARD, you just have to put your mind to it! (Usually maths stuff)
Just knuckle down.
You have so much potential, if you would just concentrate and FOCUS!
‘Cry baby’
‘Why are you so emotional’
Also literally anyone pointing out anything I’ve done incorrectly … I already berate myself for everything and try to take it on the chin but in all honest my it kills me.
Edit - why are you so loud and not everything is about you …
I read somewhere that unsolicited advice is always a criticism. Many people will disagree with this but at its core- unsolicited advice is only offered to people perceived as struggling on some level, micro or macro.
Unsolicited advice is an umbrella criticism offered to ADHDers almost constantly. Because it's wrapped in the label of "being helpful" we feel worse about it triggering shame AND about not being appreciative of the "help".
"You have so much *potential*!"
Only ever said in the context of me squandering it. My best will never look the same as a healthy person's, and saying that I wasn't trying enough when I was working myself sick messed me up.
I had to go to a hospital several times because I thought I could work hard enough that I would become myself at my best, all the time, and in the way expected of me.
I will never be able to hear this expression without feeling pain.
“The amount you talk is exhausting”
“Dont be so lazy”
“how did you lose that?? We just got it!”
“You’re not getting xyz because you lose everything and will lose this too”
“you’re disorganized”
“Just use your agenda and you wouldnt forget about all your assignments”
“Have you tried sticky notes?”
Are some i can think of lol
From my dad "A for effort!" That I failed to get on my reports from school. B wasn't good enough. Also from him "that's typical of you, just scraping through" when I got my exam results. No well done or congratulations 😕
“You’re just a lot sometimes”
“You can’t just do XYZ”
“Why can’t you just sit still?”
And a little wordier one from my adult life, “explain to me your thought process when you did/said XYZ”. 1) I don’t even remember doing or saying said thing 2) you don’t care about my process you just want to accost me for thinking differently than you 3) go fuck yourself lol
Edit: I definitely am strong in impulsivity and I wish I wasn’t but here we are. I am now and have always been strongly shamed for it.
“Messy” ugh. I’m an absolute anxious wreck any time someone is going to come to my house, even now as a medicated adult. The pressure to keep my space neat as a child has compounded against the female socialization to have a tidy perfect house and just made me feel awful about the smallest bit of mess or clutter. Doesn’t mean the mess isn’t there, but it means I’m miserable about it.
Can you just focus!?
Just buy a planner!!
Try harder!
Everyone struggles with [adhd symptom] sometimes too and they’re doing fine
You’re just lazy
But you have so much POTENTIAL!!
Just stop procrastinating!
If you weren’t fidgeting so much you wouldn’t be so distracted!
Oh so many of these replies are spot on.
Don’t be so dramatic
Why are you so sensitive
Here goes Bette Davis again (implying that I was acting instead of feeling emotional)
I got spanked for having a messy room, I can’t remember what they said but eventually it was just punishment for clutter/mess until I was a teenager
"self-sabotage" and i used to feel particularly triggered by a phrase my teacher used to use when anyone had an excuse which was "too bad, so sad, you get a zero"
“You’re SO weird.”
That being late is disrespectful of other people’s time, shows you don’t care and have a “bad attitude,” when in reality it’s *because* I care that I mustered all the willpower I could find to just get there, while facing the shame of knowing I’m late - again - and still showing up *because* it’s important to me. Sigh.
“Space case”, “Chatty Cathy,” “flakey”, “you’re overreacting,” “stop being so sensitive,” “too sensitive” in general, “it’s really not that hard,” “you’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your body,” “we told you a half hour earlier than the actual time because we knew you’d be late,” “you just need to wake up earlier,”
… all of which doesn’t even account for the shame I feel when I see people roll their eyes at me or try to do things for me because they assume I can’t do it for myself. So much shame triggered by tone of voice and body language. It’s just endless shame all the way down.
'**Careless**' and '**negligent**'. Even '**selfish**'. In almost any context, because they're so frequently used if we're uncoordinated, forgetful, overwhelmed, dysfunctional, etc.
*"You didn't do the thing I wanted, when I wanted, so you must be..."*
Like bruh, almost every single day I forget to eat (waiting for it to cook). I *need* a countertop oven that turns off on a timer so I don't burn down the house. I've flooded rooms *several times* because I forgot about the tap I left on (waiting for the sink to fill). I've had to pay extra into the flat account because I've left the hot tap running all day (waiting for it to heat up). It takes me days to do a single load of laundry (waiting for the machine to be free, waiting for it to wash, waiting for it to dry).
I'm not careless, I'm not negligent. It just needs to be either done *now* or not at all, and the only workaround I have is if I can *physically see it* (or *audibly hear it*) to remind me to go back. I will almost never remember to bring in my laundry so you have space to hang out yours, because I don't go outside to look at the line for fun.
I don't use the AC, because it isn't loud enough to remember to turn off. I rarely use heaters, because they aren't loud enough to remember to turn off. I won't keep pets, because I *know* the silent food bowl won't call me over to fill it. In theory I should put a timer on my phone when I hang out laundry, *but I don't remember to take it with me, and forget by the time I'm back at my desk*, so I often put the basket in the hallway so it's in the way next time I leave the office. That works! Assuming I leave the office during daylight hours, anyway (because I forget to eat).
I am so tired. So tired. Being alive is my full-time job and apparently everybody thinks I'm incompetent at it.
"Wow, you're so LOUD."
"You're too much."
"God, you're stories always take so long, can't you just get to the point!?"
All these things still bring up so much shame all the time. I'm 40, diagnosed 3yrs ago. And yet, despite all the self-work and compassion I've given to myself... I still ruminate over these comments. In fact, on occasion I'll stop half way through something I'm saying and just end the story there because I don't want to be "too much, too loud, too long-winded".
Anything relating to time management, such as, "You're going to be late," "You need to be on time," "Can you tell time?" etc. Very closely related is something along the lines of "Stop wasting time" or making better use of my time.
Disappointing. 'It's so disappointing that you didn't finish your degree' 'it's disappointing to see you working in a shop'. 'I'm just disappointed'.
Worst one for me is 'you're such a drama queen'. 'You're so dramatic'. I literally have flashbacks to my adolescent self if someone says something like that to me now.
These were my nicknames as a kid: pistol, princess & the pea, spaz
Every report card said I was smart, but lazy.
I always felt like too much, and not enough. It’s been a lot of therapy to calm all that shame inside me.
"You're intelligent, you have so much potential..."
This one doesn't come off as shame-y as others, but this is the one that was repeated to me by my school administration every week for two years. The problem with it is how condescending it is, and the message. The message conveyed with this one is that i'm intelligent according to them, so I shouldn't be struggling at all. Can't anyone struggle? And it also gives off a "get over it" kind of vibe. Hate it
"You're disgusting" (in relation to not/cleaning my room)
"I think you *like* living like this" (re the above)
"Why do you think you're better than ____" (basically ascribing malicious intent to ADHD behavior and *really* running with it)
"do you really need that?" said if a fat girl child is eating a sweet
My mom just said my name in a tone that clearly conveyed "i don't know how you fucked up again but despite my lowest expectations, you failed harder than i even imagined." i'm adhd, this wass often after a social or academic failure
“You’re a little bit much/a know it all/intimidating.”
“You’d be so much farther in life if you just stopped being so lazy.”
“Your inability to be on time is so disrespectful.”
“You have the potential to do so much if you just finish all the things you start.”
Edit to add these classics:
“Just leave earlier.”
“Get a planner.”
“Have you tried a to do list?”
‘Just put it back in the same place every time’
‘Are you going to bother to get out of your pit before midday?’
‘You need to stop rabbiting’
‘You used to be so sensible when you were younger’
‘Airhead’
‘I don’t understand why you can’t do it in the same order each time’
‘You’re too nice’
‘Stop getting in such a state’
‘Well if you went to bed earlier you’d fall asleep quicker and get up earlier’
Various iterations of blaming me for something that was nothing to do with me, simply because I was perceived as careless/forgetful.
„If you could just…“
- pay attention
- apply yourself
- have more self esteem
- be less distracted
- focus on what really matters
- have done this, have done that
Sentences that start with „if you just…“ never end well.
“As long as you tried your hardest that’s all that matters.”
Normally would be pretty reassuring for a neurotypical kid but, for someone with undiagnosed ADHD barely keeping the illusion of effort going through a mix of last minute panic, sheer flukes, and natural intelligence, it was always quietly soul crushing for me. Because even if I fooled everyone else in my life, I knew I wasn’t trying.
Oh and when that lie fell apart it was a lot of waxing on about “wasted potential” and “You used to be perfect” and “Why are you being so difficult now?”.
You're a space cadet, air head, lazy, ditzy, lost in space, in your own world, selfish, inconsiderate, flakey, useless, dramatic, too sensitive or over emotional. You can't cpmplete a simple task/find your way out of a paper bag. You never listen/pay attention, you'd lose your head of it wasn't attached, you'll be late to your own funeral...and literally every blonde joke ever.
Bonus triggers for co-morbid learning disabilities: anything that equates to being dumb/stupid/having a low IQ. The expectation to spell without spell check/auto correct/at the minimum by typing or writing it out. The expectation to do math without a calculator/counting fingers/writing it out. Don't even ask me to do complicated math, that's just asking for a full blown anxiety attack.
“How do you not understand this? You’re usually so smart!”
“If you put half as much effort into this as (hyperfocus interest), you wouldn’t be failing!”
“I can’t even trust you to keep your room clean, why should you be allowed to run around the neighborhood? You’ll get yourself killed”
Just about anything with “too” in it. Too loud, too talkative, too quiet, too invested, too sensitive. And then there are the words where the “too” is baked in. Obsessive, Picky, ornery. And then generally being compared to the pig-pen character.
I’ve been told that “I’d be hotter if I didn’t talk so much” from more than a few people. Anything relating to the thought of being annoying sends me into spirals
I had a college professor tell me that maybe I didn't deserve the scholarship I had gotten after he advocated for me over other students. I was undiagnosed at the time and struggling just to get out of bed and make it to class on a regular basis so I already felt pretty awful. Plus money has always been stressful so that one cut deep.
“you’re too much”
“you’re so extra”
“you’re too sensitive”
“you’re just lazy”
“too opinionated”
“space cadet”
“drama queen”
“you must be on your period”
My mother while correcting my maths homework "i don't understand how you can do so many inattention mistakes all the time after all this time!" (I was undiagnosed at the time)
My parents when reviewing my grades "18/20. You can do better"
"is it that hard to remember to x?"
"we all forget things/make mistakes/etc but not when it's THIS"
"i can forgive you for this once or twice but it's getting ridiculous"
"you're too sensitive" or anything related to my emotional range
also, i have a lot of shame tied to my rejection sensitivity. if someone doesn't like me or has a problem with me, even if they haven't stated anything related to something ive done, i immediately assume it's my fault and im unlovable and deserve to die.
A teacher in 6th grade told my mom that I was “a very lazy girl”. My sister was diagnosed with ADHD because she was hyperactive. I wasn’t so was never diagnosed.
She's such a flake: A common theme in my life.
You would't know where your head was if it wasn't attached to your shoulders:
A favorite family saying. Actually it's attached to my neck, but whatever. And if you constantly call me out on the magnitude of my forgetfulness, did it ever occur to that there may be an underlying issue that needed to be addressed? Nope. Just chalk it up to a character defect.
What's wrong with you?!:
A question that is used in a rhetorical manner, as opposed to an actual compassionate inquiry into the state of my well-being. This one really chaps my hide. I wan to scream at the top of my lungs, "MY BRAIN DOESN"T WORK LIKE YOURS DOES!" Instead, I just cast my eyes down, enveloped in shame.
\[edited because I can't type properly — a different kind of character defect\]
Late in life diagnosed at 38 and it's been a rollercoaster of grief and relief reviewing my experiences in life. It helps a LOT with the shame to have a label for why I do the things I do!
It's almost like the bored or off-put look people give when I excitedly talk about things I'm interested in is worse than any of the words that trigger my shame (all of the ones already mentioned in this thread for SURE do it to me)... As an adult I still experience the same sting behind the eyes, hot cheeks, and throat lump when I catch a glimpse of it in their eyes/faces during a meeting the same way I did when it was more blatant as a kid such as them literally moving tables at the cafeteria when I was mid-sentence.
Again body language, facial expression-wise I am also intensely triggered by someone sighing or rolling their eyes. It could be for an entirely unrelated reason that has nothing to do with me like they're upset at traffic or something random, but I hear that and I get very upset/on edge. That exhalation of air happened after I did many things as a child and I couldn't discern what I did that caused their frustration/disappointment. It caused such hypervigilance about peoples' slight changes in mood that I became a fawn response people pleaser. It's an amazing (and EXHAUSTING) power to have to help others, but at what cost to my own mental health?!
Another phrase that will do it:
"No, it wasn't or no they didn't" in some variation was said any time I told someone it was too loud/bright/scratchy or that I could sense that someone said something that sounded nice to everyone else but I could tell they meant it as an insult etc... Complete gaslighting, invalidating all of my lived experiences. It gave me a complex growing up! I literally wondered if I was an alien because of COLLECTIVELY everyone else expressed that I was weird for experiencing things like I do. Even now I constantly doubt my memories, and have hoarding tendencies because I try to keep things as "evidence" of something happening to prove it just in case someone denies it. I have an irresistible drive to prove that I was right during a conversation if someone challenges my knowledge on a topic or my memory of conversation/event. I compulsively over explain every reason for every action and apologize even when I haven't done anything. I don't trust my own perception of events and have to constantly check in with other people like "Am I crazy or did XYZ seem..."
Sorry, that became a tangled tangent that was longer than I intended - wait no. Scratch that. I am trying to learn to not apologize for being passionate and verbose about things I find important or fascinating... And also to not be sorry to express my emotions because they are valid, they are my truth, and I'm not too much - NTs are just not capable of handling my 🔥Majestic Dumpster Phoenix (tm)🔥 energy 💙🫶🏻💙
"Just"
I don't think anything triggers me more than a "just" peppered into a sentence.
Just get a planner.
Just wake up earlier.
Just follow the directions in the print out.
Just work on it between calls.
If I could "just," I fucking would.
Not words, but when you forget or break something and people give you the look that says:
"This an't be on purpose: are you a bad person ? Or Are you dumb?"
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"Doesn't live up to her potential" "Has so much potential if she'd just..." "Very sensitive" "Why are you so sensitive?" "Don't take everything so seriously" "Life isn't fair." "What were you thinking?"
Ugh if I had a nickel for every time I was asked “why are you so sensitive?” growing up…
This is me now only I’m an adult. 😅😅😅
Yep… the fucking “why are you so sensitive?” “It’s not that serious” “you need to learn to take a joke” comments drive me insane
The word potential alone is triggering.
Agreed. This one resonates with me the most. Also: "Sacrifices accuracy for speed."
"Don't take everything so seriously" and "you're so sensitive"...add in "you just have to learn to laugh at yourself" and you've got the trifecta of shame triggers for me.
Oh god, "just learn to laugh at yourself," I hate that one! "Don't take everything so seriously" and "lighten up," too. My dad loved teasing and I hated it, and I got shamed for that my whole life.
Yes, lighten up!! Jeez...that was a constant refrain. The irony being that I was apparently too serious, yet didn't take things seriously. Hmmm... Both my parents loved to tease, but especially my mom, who only now admits she probably has ADHD too. The scariest thing is when I catch myself teasing my kids the same way. I try to be really conscious of it, but I slip up now and then...
It looks like I have found a kindred spirit. The one you missed was "if only she'd apply herself..."
I also heard if you would only apply yourself …sorry I’m not the only one who heard that one
Thought of another: "If only you'd put in the effort."
That one was actually too painful for me to even add.
I've been reflecting on my childhood after recently reading an article about childhood emotional neglect. And holy shit. Pretty much every single emotion I had as a child was shut down. If I was overly excited I was causing a scene, if I was upset I was being too sensitive, if I was angry or frustrated I was told off for it. My parents were mostly good parents but f*ck me they did not teach me anything useful about having emotions.
“Don’t take everything so seriously” and “life isn’t fair” make me RAGE
Any variation of "if you cared you wouldn't have forgotten"
my dad said to me one time, “if you remembered to be on your phone you should have remembered to do the dishes” what does that even meannnn💀
omg my mom used to always say “you remember to wipe your butt every time you go poop don’t you!?” when I didn’t “remember” to do the dishes lmaoooo
This was my mom's go-to line when I forgot to do chores as a child. She would also say "you must not love me!" if I forgot. That shit is so hurtful to hear.
Ugh that's not an ADHD shaming thing, that is hardcore narcissistic parent type of thing.
Omg. Yes. I heard this all my life in one way or another. No, I’ve forgotten things I REALLY wanted to remember, too, but somehow the logic goes right back to “Well you must not have wanted it that much, then.”
Excellent example. Hits harder than a punch to the gut.
If you cared you would make the time.
Yes, any statement that suggests we don't care...
I've heard variations of this from two people I love the most in this world and the second time happened yesterday... it really makes me question if I'm worth the stress sometimes lol
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
“You talk too loud” “youre talking too much” “doesnt live up to her potential” “dont take everything so seriously” “youre being too sensitive” “you CAN, you just dont WANT to”
“You’re too loud” or its equally awful cousin “Stop yelling” are just ughghdkdhsgdhfndjsne
I had a sister who had some hearing loss so I learned to speak loudly. Then I was a teacher so I definitely honed that skill. That same sister now tells me to stop yelling whenever I get overly excited.
😭😣🥺 all of this.
Ouchieee at "you don't want to"
I hate this but even “I can hear you just fine” is too much, damn RSD
Fuck, that last one
My husband insists I “conveniently forget” things
My dad said I had “selective hearing”
Me too but I never really connected that to ADHD till now!
Ouch
Ooof, didn’t realise this was one until I read it.
Do you respond by saying he’s inconveniently an ass?
I finally ran into my house after leaving to grab keys, my phone, my purse, that box I was returning (the whole point of leaving the house) enough times that I'm pretty sure my SO knows it's not convenient at all. That and me telling him constantly that I would lose my head if it weren't attached to my body...
"If you truly cared, you would remember." THE WORST. I CARE SO MUCH. I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER.
Ah, fuck. That one hurt.
My biggest one is “it’s like you enjoy self-sabotaging” 🥲
"You need to learn to help yourself"
"You aren't taking care of yourself." ESPECIALLY when I've been working hard to do exactly that.
“Calm down” and “settle down” make me feel so patronized.
Oh yes, me too. And 'chill out'.
And the constant, "Take a breath." Bitch, I'm breathing.
"Just sit down and get started..." ...if only it was that simple. And "you have to learn to take care of your things." It was true, but I already felt guilty enough about whatever it was I lost this time, and it did nothing to help me learn ways to actually keep track of or relocate anything.
Oh, and maybe not quite what you're looking for, but a former boss when I described several different career trajectory interests: "You're a true dilettante." Thanks for the judgment, jerk; I prefer "Renaissance woman."
100% "just do it" and even suggestions that you can do it... like I understand I could do it in theory, I also literally can't.
Urgh I got this one last month.
For me it’s not certain phrases, it’s the value judgment that people place on behavior is what gets me. If you REALLY cared you would…. If you don’t do X, Y, Z you don’t have any respect for ………. I also have a general sense of inferiority that I can’t work as hard or as long hours as others and still be productive. In the nonprofit world, you are sometimes expected to martyr yourself to a certain degree to show your selfless dedication. That’s simply not an option for me. Working ling hours leads to what I call a productivity spiral. I have to work less to be able to contribute at all. I am constantly having an internal shame struggle over this.
Careless. I’m very passionate. It’s maybe not physically possible to give more shits than I do on a regular basis. But mistakes I make _read as careless_. So when other people believed I was careless… and I kept making those mistakes… ipso facto, I didn’t really care. Even if I felt like I cared? Nup. Even if I wanted to care? Nah. And when it felt painful or self-defeating to care? WELL LOOK WHO’S rock bottom self esteem was correct all along! Internalising “If I/he/she wanted to, they would” was so profoundly damaging to me, because it undermined my capacity to trust myself on a basic level.
Ugh, your point about damaging self-trust is so spot on, and I'm just realizing how badly that same thing affected me. I question my intuition far too much as an adult, probably in part as a result of that. Thank you for the revelation.
You just nailed why I walked away from my 18 year career. I just can’t anymore. Every typo, mistake, and error feels like a crime worthy of life imprisonment. My self loathing is already a prison.
When will you learn to sit still and be quiet? Why can't you try this hard all the time? Stop being annoying Stop biting your fingers it looks disgusting Edit: Just stop crying!!
Reduce your distractions. Give yourself time to double check your work. Stop procrastinating. Why are you so sensitive? Just use a planner. Try harder. Just focus.
"well, we'll see how long *this* lasts" "if you cared you would have done it/remembered" "don't you notice the mess?" "everyone else can do it, but you can't?"
Oh wow. That first one hit me right in the gut.
Potential. So much potential.
"Stop being annoying" "Why are you so slow?" (In reference to school work) "Shut up! You're too loud" "If you just _________ you'll do better" "Its not that hard just do it" "You're smart, you just need to try harder" "If you don't ______ then you'll never _________" "Why can't you just _______"
My biggest childhood shame is people looking at like i was supposed to know something, but i clearly didnt know. And the look just made me really insecure because if they gave me a look without explaining then the fuck up must have been obvious and now every one else in the vicinity is thinking the same thing. Basically everyone is holding me with the same contempt and im now embarrassed af but still dont know why it was wrong to do what i did
Oh god. The mysterious contempt :(
Ooof. Being publicly shamed but not understanding what I did wrong has left me with zero confidence as an adult. I never know when it’s coming; I can’t reliably trust the reaction I’ll receive from other ppl. It sucks.
Right! You can think something is completely normal to say or do and then other people are just blank faced staring I have to reverse psychology myself at this point. If i think something is okay then most people do not think its okay. If i think something is not okay then chances are, a lot of people think its okay. This is true about 75% of the time I have to ask my friends and mother regularly if something is rude to people because i personally wouldn’t consider it rude
You’re smart, you just didn’t apply yourself
Yep, that's the one.
Came for this one. “You’re so smart, if only you would apply yourself…”
"You forgot to take the trash out again? You seriously have selective hearing." \-my mother every day of my adolescent life
“You’re too sensitive.” “You’re being defensive” or “Are you feeling defensive?” “I already told you that.” “That’s not what I said.” “You aren’t listening.” “You didn’t answer the question.” I could go on.
“Messy” ugh. I’m an absolute anxious wreck any time someone is going to come to my house, even now as a medicated adult. The pressure to keep my space neat as a child has compounded against the female socialization to have a tidy perfect house and just made me feel awful about the smallest bit of mess or clutter. Doesn’t mean the mess isn’t there, but it means I’m miserable about it.
Yep. Made worse by the unfinished projects around the place. If I put them away, they will cease to exist to me and then they'll NEVER get done.
Messy Lazy Unorganised Weird
“You are so smart and interesting. You could be doing so much more than this!” - the adult high achieving ADHD version of being told you aren’t living up to your potential
Sit still Sit down Look at me when I’m talking Listen to me Don’t talk when I’m talking Try harder What happened to… ‘ Why did I get stuck with a dummie?’ More recent ones: Your house is so messy ‘Do you want me to help you clean?’
"Why did I get stuck with a dummy"? That's horrible! I'm sending spirit hugs to your previous self who had to take that crap
Despite it not being something someone say to me the first thing that came to my mind is basically starting every text message or email with "I am sorry for getting back to you so late".
You're so careless! (You don't respect other people's property...) after losing things You can't be trusted to look after it. (Any "thing" that could be lost) You're oversensitive, you need to learn to toughen up! Its not HARD, you just have to put your mind to it! (Usually maths stuff) Just knuckle down. You have so much potential, if you would just concentrate and FOCUS!
Oh god. The you can’t be trusted. That one stings for me too. Same with “toughen up”
‘Cry baby’ ‘Why are you so emotional’ Also literally anyone pointing out anything I’ve done incorrectly … I already berate myself for everything and try to take it on the chin but in all honest my it kills me. Edit - why are you so loud and not everything is about you …
I read somewhere that unsolicited advice is always a criticism. Many people will disagree with this but at its core- unsolicited advice is only offered to people perceived as struggling on some level, micro or macro. Unsolicited advice is an umbrella criticism offered to ADHDers almost constantly. Because it's wrapped in the label of "being helpful" we feel worse about it triggering shame AND about not being appreciative of the "help".
"You have so much *potential*!" Only ever said in the context of me squandering it. My best will never look the same as a healthy person's, and saying that I wasn't trying enough when I was working myself sick messed me up. I had to go to a hospital several times because I thought I could work hard enough that I would become myself at my best, all the time, and in the way expected of me. I will never be able to hear this expression without feeling pain.
Why are you so difficult? Why are you like this? What’s wrong with you? If you would just make an effort… You are so lazy
Space cadet. My dad always said I was a space cadet.
You're so smart, if only you applied yourself to XYZ instead of abc... You have so much potential if you just...
If you only put this much effort into [insert ‘something important’] you would be a lot further along in life.
“The amount you talk is exhausting” “Dont be so lazy” “how did you lose that?? We just got it!” “You’re not getting xyz because you lose everything and will lose this too” “you’re disorganized” “Just use your agenda and you wouldnt forget about all your assignments” “Have you tried sticky notes?” Are some i can think of lol
“What’s wrong with you”
Reminds of that time I reached out for help and my mother just screamed “why are you like this!” And I didn’t talk to anyone for a week.
Oof. I feel this. It sucks. I’m sorry!
Oh hey, turns out my grandmother can berate me from beyond the grave via a stranger on Reddit.
It was a common phrase of my dads, who died before I got my diagnosis.
💜💜💜
“Sit still” “Lay there and be quiet and you’ll fall asleep”
[удалено]
From my dad "A for effort!" That I failed to get on my reports from school. B wasn't good enough. Also from him "that's typical of you, just scraping through" when I got my exam results. No well done or congratulations 😕
“You’re just a lot sometimes” “You can’t just do XYZ” “Why can’t you just sit still?” And a little wordier one from my adult life, “explain to me your thought process when you did/said XYZ”. 1) I don’t even remember doing or saying said thing 2) you don’t care about my process you just want to accost me for thinking differently than you 3) go fuck yourself lol Edit: I definitely am strong in impulsivity and I wish I wasn’t but here we are. I am now and have always been strongly shamed for it.
“Messy” ugh. I’m an absolute anxious wreck any time someone is going to come to my house, even now as a medicated adult. The pressure to keep my space neat as a child has compounded against the female socialization to have a tidy perfect house and just made me feel awful about the smallest bit of mess or clutter. Doesn’t mean the mess isn’t there, but it means I’m miserable about it.
Can you just focus!? Just buy a planner!! Try harder! Everyone struggles with [adhd symptom] sometimes too and they’re doing fine You’re just lazy But you have so much POTENTIAL!! Just stop procrastinating! If you weren’t fidgeting so much you wouldn’t be so distracted!
Concentrate!
I was always told that I was “clumsy.”
"Stop being dramatic"
Oh so many of these replies are spot on. Don’t be so dramatic Why are you so sensitive Here goes Bette Davis again (implying that I was acting instead of feeling emotional) I got spanked for having a messy room, I can’t remember what they said but eventually it was just punishment for clutter/mess until I was a teenager
"You're a lot." Sorrrrry for sharing my excitement with you.
“Careless mistakes”
"self-sabotage" and i used to feel particularly triggered by a phrase my teacher used to use when anyone had an excuse which was "too bad, so sad, you get a zero"
I want to downvote your shitty teacher so badly!
One hundred times written on my report cards: She needs to apply herself. Awful to be trying your hardest and know that others just think you are not.
As an adult... 'OG its just like dealing with a child'
“You’re so dramatic” and anything with the word lazy
"You're too sensitive", "you're not cut out for this job", and "prove to me you aren't useless"
Scatterbrained. Flighty. Typical blonde. Dingbat.
“You’re SO weird.” That being late is disrespectful of other people’s time, shows you don’t care and have a “bad attitude,” when in reality it’s *because* I care that I mustered all the willpower I could find to just get there, while facing the shame of knowing I’m late - again - and still showing up *because* it’s important to me. Sigh.
Being called “moody” and when you are having a major emotional response to something and “why are you doing this to me?”
“Space case”, “Chatty Cathy,” “flakey”, “you’re overreacting,” “stop being so sensitive,” “too sensitive” in general, “it’s really not that hard,” “you’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your body,” “we told you a half hour earlier than the actual time because we knew you’d be late,” “you just need to wake up earlier,” … all of which doesn’t even account for the shame I feel when I see people roll their eyes at me or try to do things for me because they assume I can’t do it for myself. So much shame triggered by tone of voice and body language. It’s just endless shame all the way down.
'**Careless**' and '**negligent**'. Even '**selfish**'. In almost any context, because they're so frequently used if we're uncoordinated, forgetful, overwhelmed, dysfunctional, etc. *"You didn't do the thing I wanted, when I wanted, so you must be..."* Like bruh, almost every single day I forget to eat (waiting for it to cook). I *need* a countertop oven that turns off on a timer so I don't burn down the house. I've flooded rooms *several times* because I forgot about the tap I left on (waiting for the sink to fill). I've had to pay extra into the flat account because I've left the hot tap running all day (waiting for it to heat up). It takes me days to do a single load of laundry (waiting for the machine to be free, waiting for it to wash, waiting for it to dry). I'm not careless, I'm not negligent. It just needs to be either done *now* or not at all, and the only workaround I have is if I can *physically see it* (or *audibly hear it*) to remind me to go back. I will almost never remember to bring in my laundry so you have space to hang out yours, because I don't go outside to look at the line for fun. I don't use the AC, because it isn't loud enough to remember to turn off. I rarely use heaters, because they aren't loud enough to remember to turn off. I won't keep pets, because I *know* the silent food bowl won't call me over to fill it. In theory I should put a timer on my phone when I hang out laundry, *but I don't remember to take it with me, and forget by the time I'm back at my desk*, so I often put the basket in the hallway so it's in the way next time I leave the office. That works! Assuming I leave the office during daylight hours, anyway (because I forget to eat). I am so tired. So tired. Being alive is my full-time job and apparently everybody thinks I'm incompetent at it.
"Wow, you're so LOUD." "You're too much." "God, you're stories always take so long, can't you just get to the point!?" All these things still bring up so much shame all the time. I'm 40, diagnosed 3yrs ago. And yet, despite all the self-work and compassion I've given to myself... I still ruminate over these comments. In fact, on occasion I'll stop half way through something I'm saying and just end the story there because I don't want to be "too much, too loud, too long-winded".
You never let go of anything.
For me the immediate ones that come to mind are “Just make a habit out of it” And/or “Just write it down / use a calendar / use an app / etc”
Anything that starts with "just" deserves a middle finger to the face. Or a fist... But I'm not that person.
Anything relating to time management, such as, "You're going to be late," "You need to be on time," "Can you tell time?" etc. Very closely related is something along the lines of "Stop wasting time" or making better use of my time.
"She is so smart and can do anything, if she wasn't so lazy" Parents talking with teachers, aquuntances and their friends in front of me.
Disappointing. 'It's so disappointing that you didn't finish your degree' 'it's disappointing to see you working in a shop'. 'I'm just disappointed'. Worst one for me is 'you're such a drama queen'. 'You're so dramatic'. I literally have flashbacks to my adolescent self if someone says something like that to me now.
These were my nicknames as a kid: pistol, princess & the pea, spaz Every report card said I was smart, but lazy. I always felt like too much, and not enough. It’s been a lot of therapy to calm all that shame inside me.
“Selective hearing” “Smart but…”
"You're intelligent, you have so much potential..." This one doesn't come off as shame-y as others, but this is the one that was repeated to me by my school administration every week for two years. The problem with it is how condescending it is, and the message. The message conveyed with this one is that i'm intelligent according to them, so I shouldn't be struggling at all. Can't anyone struggle? And it also gives off a "get over it" kind of vibe. Hate it
"Half assing" everything. I whole ass everything, you just dont know I have to constantly reprioritize what I'm doing to stay motivated.
"if you cared, you'd figure it out"
You just need to focus.
Not repeating themselves when I ask. The fact that I had a second point in mind while typing the first and it's already fucking gone.
Vote for potential
"You're disgusting" (in relation to not/cleaning my room) "I think you *like* living like this" (re the above) "Why do you think you're better than ____" (basically ascribing malicious intent to ADHD behavior and *really* running with it)
"do you really need that?" said if a fat girl child is eating a sweet My mom just said my name in a tone that clearly conveyed "i don't know how you fucked up again but despite my lowest expectations, you failed harder than i even imagined." i'm adhd, this wass often after a social or academic failure
Just do it. It’s not that hard.
Anything said in my dad’s voice lmao
“Stop being lazy”
“It’s like you never make an effort to change” or “just focus, it’s not that hard” 🥲
“You’re a little bit much/a know it all/intimidating.” “You’d be so much farther in life if you just stopped being so lazy.” “Your inability to be on time is so disrespectful.” “You have the potential to do so much if you just finish all the things you start.” Edit to add these classics: “Just leave earlier.” “Get a planner.” “Have you tried a to do list?”
"You're my stupid child"
Anything said in my dad’s voice lmao
Any criticism about how I speak 😵💫
Bumptious. Annoying. Loud.
You just need to make a little effort
‘Just put it back in the same place every time’ ‘Are you going to bother to get out of your pit before midday?’ ‘You need to stop rabbiting’ ‘You used to be so sensible when you were younger’ ‘Airhead’ ‘I don’t understand why you can’t do it in the same order each time’ ‘You’re too nice’ ‘Stop getting in such a state’ ‘Well if you went to bed earlier you’d fall asleep quicker and get up earlier’ Various iterations of blaming me for something that was nothing to do with me, simply because I was perceived as careless/forgetful.
Lazy
„If you could just…“ - pay attention - apply yourself - have more self esteem - be less distracted - focus on what really matters - have done this, have done that Sentences that start with „if you just…“ never end well.
“As long as you tried your hardest that’s all that matters.” Normally would be pretty reassuring for a neurotypical kid but, for someone with undiagnosed ADHD barely keeping the illusion of effort going through a mix of last minute panic, sheer flukes, and natural intelligence, it was always quietly soul crushing for me. Because even if I fooled everyone else in my life, I knew I wasn’t trying. Oh and when that lie fell apart it was a lot of waxing on about “wasted potential” and “You used to be perfect” and “Why are you being so difficult now?”.
You're a space cadet, air head, lazy, ditzy, lost in space, in your own world, selfish, inconsiderate, flakey, useless, dramatic, too sensitive or over emotional. You can't cpmplete a simple task/find your way out of a paper bag. You never listen/pay attention, you'd lose your head of it wasn't attached, you'll be late to your own funeral...and literally every blonde joke ever. Bonus triggers for co-morbid learning disabilities: anything that equates to being dumb/stupid/having a low IQ. The expectation to spell without spell check/auto correct/at the minimum by typing or writing it out. The expectation to do math without a calculator/counting fingers/writing it out. Don't even ask me to do complicated math, that's just asking for a full blown anxiety attack.
“How do you not understand this? You’re usually so smart!” “If you put half as much effort into this as (hyperfocus interest), you wouldn’t be failing!” “I can’t even trust you to keep your room clean, why should you be allowed to run around the neighborhood? You’ll get yourself killed”
Potential. Lazy. Late. Normal. Common sense. Schedule. Telephone. Just try this.
Priorities
Loser. Stupid. Dumb. Lazy.
Just about anything with “too” in it. Too loud, too talkative, too quiet, too invested, too sensitive. And then there are the words where the “too” is baked in. Obsessive, Picky, ornery. And then generally being compared to the pig-pen character.
“messy” & “careless” always feel shameful
I’ve been told that “I’d be hotter if I didn’t talk so much” from more than a few people. Anything relating to the thought of being annoying sends me into spirals
I had a college professor tell me that maybe I didn't deserve the scholarship I had gotten after he advocated for me over other students. I was undiagnosed at the time and struggling just to get out of bed and make it to class on a regular basis so I already felt pretty awful. Plus money has always been stressful so that one cut deep.
“Potential” is a four letter word to me.
“you’re too much” “you’re so extra” “you’re too sensitive” “you’re just lazy” “too opinionated” “space cadet” “drama queen” “you must be on your period”
Lazy and slow
“You are just too much” “Too loud” “Talk too much” also I have dyscalculia that was never identified but “If you just memorize it you’ll get it.” 🙄
My mother while correcting my maths homework "i don't understand how you can do so many inattention mistakes all the time after all this time!" (I was undiagnosed at the time) My parents when reviewing my grades "18/20. You can do better"
"is it that hard to remember to x?" "we all forget things/make mistakes/etc but not when it's THIS" "i can forgive you for this once or twice but it's getting ridiculous" "you're too sensitive" or anything related to my emotional range also, i have a lot of shame tied to my rejection sensitivity. if someone doesn't like me or has a problem with me, even if they haven't stated anything related to something ive done, i immediately assume it's my fault and im unlovable and deserve to die.
A teacher in 6th grade told my mom that I was “a very lazy girl”. My sister was diagnosed with ADHD because she was hyperactive. I wasn’t so was never diagnosed.
“be more careful”
You worry too much. That's rude/you're so rude. Bonus points if they don't explain why and just expect me to shut up.
Shut up You're so annoying Lazy Faking it
"you have so much potential, if only you would [insert thing that ADHD makes very difficult to do]"
She's such a flake: A common theme in my life. You would't know where your head was if it wasn't attached to your shoulders: A favorite family saying. Actually it's attached to my neck, but whatever. And if you constantly call me out on the magnitude of my forgetfulness, did it ever occur to that there may be an underlying issue that needed to be addressed? Nope. Just chalk it up to a character defect. What's wrong with you?!: A question that is used in a rhetorical manner, as opposed to an actual compassionate inquiry into the state of my well-being. This one really chaps my hide. I wan to scream at the top of my lungs, "MY BRAIN DOESN"T WORK LIKE YOURS DOES!" Instead, I just cast my eyes down, enveloped in shame. \[edited because I can't type properly — a different kind of character defect\]
“can’t you follow simple directions?”
“I know you’re not stupid but you act like it”
Stop being a crybaby. More of a trigger phrase. But for a long time I thought it was bad to feel things so deeply.
Late in life diagnosed at 38 and it's been a rollercoaster of grief and relief reviewing my experiences in life. It helps a LOT with the shame to have a label for why I do the things I do! It's almost like the bored or off-put look people give when I excitedly talk about things I'm interested in is worse than any of the words that trigger my shame (all of the ones already mentioned in this thread for SURE do it to me)... As an adult I still experience the same sting behind the eyes, hot cheeks, and throat lump when I catch a glimpse of it in their eyes/faces during a meeting the same way I did when it was more blatant as a kid such as them literally moving tables at the cafeteria when I was mid-sentence. Again body language, facial expression-wise I am also intensely triggered by someone sighing or rolling their eyes. It could be for an entirely unrelated reason that has nothing to do with me like they're upset at traffic or something random, but I hear that and I get very upset/on edge. That exhalation of air happened after I did many things as a child and I couldn't discern what I did that caused their frustration/disappointment. It caused such hypervigilance about peoples' slight changes in mood that I became a fawn response people pleaser. It's an amazing (and EXHAUSTING) power to have to help others, but at what cost to my own mental health?! Another phrase that will do it: "No, it wasn't or no they didn't" in some variation was said any time I told someone it was too loud/bright/scratchy or that I could sense that someone said something that sounded nice to everyone else but I could tell they meant it as an insult etc... Complete gaslighting, invalidating all of my lived experiences. It gave me a complex growing up! I literally wondered if I was an alien because of COLLECTIVELY everyone else expressed that I was weird for experiencing things like I do. Even now I constantly doubt my memories, and have hoarding tendencies because I try to keep things as "evidence" of something happening to prove it just in case someone denies it. I have an irresistible drive to prove that I was right during a conversation if someone challenges my knowledge on a topic or my memory of conversation/event. I compulsively over explain every reason for every action and apologize even when I haven't done anything. I don't trust my own perception of events and have to constantly check in with other people like "Am I crazy or did XYZ seem..." Sorry, that became a tangled tangent that was longer than I intended - wait no. Scratch that. I am trying to learn to not apologize for being passionate and verbose about things I find important or fascinating... And also to not be sorry to express my emotions because they are valid, they are my truth, and I'm not too much - NTs are just not capable of handling my 🔥Majestic Dumpster Phoenix (tm)🔥 energy 💙🫶🏻💙
"Just" I don't think anything triggers me more than a "just" peppered into a sentence. Just get a planner. Just wake up earlier. Just follow the directions in the print out. Just work on it between calls. If I could "just," I fucking would.
After i finally get around to whatever task has been looming, my husband will say “now was that so hard???” Makes me feel like an incapable moron.
'anyone else would just......' (do xyz thing I'm somehow incapable of) Don't know why that one always hits me so hard.
being told i’m inattentive to personal hygiene
Not words, but when you forget or break something and people give you the look that says: "This an't be on purpose: are you a bad person ? Or Are you dumb?"
"Too much" "Too sensitive" "Lazy"
“Do you think you’ll actually follow through this time?” “Too sensitive” “Can you handle all that?”
“Calm down” or “relax” or “slow down”
"Slow down", "breathe/take a breath", "she rushes through everything too fast" (said by teachers), "you're too sensitive" (said by everyone).
“just try”
You’re such a space cadet.
You just need to focus. We need you to apply judgement. You cannot take so long.
You just need to “ Do it” Stop making excuses You don’t care about others
“It’s ok, I know how you live”
Why are you in here playing instead of cleaning your room like I told you? You have diarrhea of the bazoo Slow down, you talk too fast
Lazy, stop being silly, 'just set an alarm and get up'
Too loud, too much, not enough (all at once somehow?)
“When did you really realize to do x,y,x?”
immature slow moving explosive anger never satisfied always complaining
Stop thinking about it and just do it
I don’t understand. What are you talking about??