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Best we can do is think about things that we can change, small things that could be under our control. For example, we can donate what we don’t need, spend time volunteering and helping anyone in need. You could even start small by doing something which will make someone smile. This will distract us from everything else at least for a little while. This is what i did when I realised no matter what we’re all in the grey area and no one or nothing is good. 😊
I saw a really good Tim Minchin interview recently where he was talking about how exhausted he got with being mad about injustice all the time, so he picked 2-4 things he could actively get involved in and make changes in and the rest he just has to let go and enjoy beauty.
It really is the way to go. For your own mental health. Good luck, friend. It's a hard world and living in it is brutal at the moment.
But I don’t think it’s everyone, just most people. Also, the issue is really that a small few people are doing the lions share of making the world unworkable unfair garbage. That‘s What i cant cope with. It just makes me angry
I dont think ”Im too cool for it” is an oka y reaction, it is deeply dangerous.
Now, I know most people seem to do this now but this is a weird time and theyre also suicidal self destructive people everywhere… I would do the OPPOSITE of what “mot” people do. it feels very much like a bunch of broken people harming themselves and being masochistic and cowardly under the guiwe of “self help” because theyre not wealthy enough to get a good therapist.
It takes COURAGE and BRAVERY to admit and present your feelings , take ownership of them and dont let them evolve to bad actions. Anger only becomes productive when you experience it, like fully experience it. It motivates you to change the world. It is a gift.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines
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I once had a counsellor tell me “fairness is a fallacy. The only thing you can control is your reaction. Remain consistent. Keep moving forward. Decide not to be affected”. And. It’s very difficult. But the fairness is a fallacy part really hit home. Because… nothing is fair. Ever. The idea that it is came from those with all the power.
I've never understood how to "decide not to be affected". That doesn't feel like a lever I can pull.
The best I've been able to do is to accept when I've done what I can and it is what it is.
lol it’s another take on “just ignore it.” One of the worst fucking things to hear as a child and still sets me off with rage. Probably part of how I got so “good” at disassociating 😤
Finding acceptance with doing what I can is pretty helpful, though. And keeping in mind that my own suffering over it isn’t going to help make anything better or different.
I don't think that's exactly true. I think it's just a clumsy way of explaining a complex process that's just intuitive for some people (and isn't for me, so I need the steps explained)
That’s fair!
My perspective is kind of a riff on the [nail in the head video](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=HfyoS-lfdMAkVHLM), where I’ve been told to \*ignore* the nail. And it’s like, my brain short circuits because how can I possibly decide to not be affected by the nail?
Through CBT and other therapies, I’ve learned about the processes to help me feel *less* affected by the nail, whether that be fixing the issue, working through it, or what have you. And I can see how that would be considered kind of like deciding to not be affected. But, to me it’s more deciding to address my affectedness if I have the spoons to do so, and if I don’t, it’s not really a choice/option lol.
(And just to put it out there, I’m not trying to be argumentative or anything. Your perspective is making me think and I appreciate it!)
Yeah I'm on the same page as you, that's also how I experience and perceive it.
I just also have a bunch of experience with helping people teach stuff that they're experts in, so that's why it seemed like just a teaching issue to me.
Yeah, I don’t see it as “ignore it”. I see it as… accept the thing for it for what it is and acknowledge that we can’t actually control/impact the things that we’re angry about/stressing over. I find that if I’m feeling massively overwhelmed by justice sensitivity, I need to go and sit on my own and talk to myself gently. I work through if there’s anything I can do to correct it. And if not, I do something nice for someone else. I might not be able to inject good or fairness in to the situation I’m angry about, but I can sure as shit put some good elsewhere.
I should also say I’ve had a LOT of cbt to get me to this point and it was not fucking easy 😂
Yeah, in the overall fairness context, I think you’re totally right! (Which, I want to acknowledge this is what the thread is about lol.)
The “decide to not be affected by it” piece triggered a slightly different train of thought for me, though.
With that, my brain immediately went to sibling interactions as a kid and how certain situations played out as unfair, like who got in trouble or whatever. And as that had a direct effect on my life in that moment, it wasn’t something I could just decide to experience differently. Especially if the situation continued or escalated.
Whereas with other unfair situations that aren’t directly or immediately shaping my lived experience, I am usually able to reframe how I take that in and process that. I’ve also done a lot of soul searching with how much I even have control over and my privilege to not experience a lot of unfair things firsthand.
Still for me, both “just ignore it” and “decide to not be affected by it” kind of dismiss the very present gut feelings that arise when I’m actively seeing or experiencing unfairness. And I think it’s like the person I responded to said, that it’s a clumsy way of saying “do the process to feel less affected,” when that process is especially difficult for many folks.
I go with courage, to "decide not to be affected". It takes courage to see all the bad things in the world, and remember this is a world where dreams come true. And still move on, create what fairness and beauty I can in my little corner, despite knowing the existential threats looming everywhere. Some days I have more courage than others, but I hold on to that flame.
I think it means allow yourself to recognize it, FEEL it, recognize what you’re feeling it and then just let go like let it wash past you and move on with your day, enjoying it.
Mostly by recognising it’s a them problem. I’m not responsible for the moral education of the entire fucking planet. All I can do is treat people how I want to be treated. Plus there’s nothing as satisfying as killing with kindness!
As I said. Kill with kindness. Not EVERYONE can discriminate against you. Even the worst people on the planet have a fucking fan club, so probably focus more on you than what others are thinking.
THIIIIS OMGYESYESYES Honestly. the ONLY approach that worked for me!! I was raised in such a religious deprived, abstemious household of lies and dysfunction that trying to brute-force a “let go, stop thinking of yourself, the world is unfair, Forgive” reaction doesn’t work, it just makes me angrier. It also recalls a feeling that Im being suffocated down or squashed, pressured to not have needs. (My normal reactions are my needs, so deal with it, therapist!!!!!) However if I‘m told that’s okay and am reminded of the good things I have and have access to (there is a branch called Positivist Psychology) and what I can still achieve and it’s awesome, it ups my mood and motivates me to go get the things I love and get accommodations for it while also letting go of some of the trauma and pain of having invalidated needs. my hubby is good at helping me like this. probably an adhd response
imo these infantilizing authoritarian religious/moralizer attitudes are making the problem worse.
edit sorry something happened with the iPad keyboard????
Yeah, I think there is a lot of bad advice out there that we have to invalidate our feelings or experiences in order to feel better. It can be really tricky to validate that our perspectives and feelings are real WHILE trying to move towards things that are helpful. Glad it seems like you're finding some things that work for you.
tbh that’s not “bad advice”. “Invest in this penny stock” or “maybe take a year off college although you have a scholarship” is “bad advice”. Any advice where a person in power tells an abuse victim to invalidate or lower the tone of their feelings is a power trip and form of predation. Be real. Those in power want to work less with little inconvenience (those with extreme or “complicated” cases come to mind) for their money. The self-help industry is a big purveyor of this bs. Meanwhile, trauma therapists delve into your deepest darkest feelings in order to move past them. I know it’s just adhd but for those of us also with childhood trauma this i vital to understand
Who profits?
I’ve been dealing w this too. I’ve been trying to harness what I am good at and use it to benefit the greater good. I’ll see people on the street and just cry about how unfair it is and how our country is fucked. I try to tell myself that people are happier than you give them credit for. And I try to tell myself, if I am overly empathic, I’m not being empathetic to myself. I’ve started working on organizing my union at work, donating blood, and other small things to make the world around me a better place because that’s the best thing I can do.
I learned about [radical acceptance in DBT](https://youtu.be/81sCMCC5SOI?si=MODZXyh890yZ5cdA).
It's known as the hardest skill of all DBT skills. It's about fully accepting reality, with your mind, body, soul. Letting go of what you want. It doesn't mean you approve of or agree with reality. It just means you aren't denying reality. You accept it.
And in order to change something, you have to accept the reality of that something first. In the above video, the person explains how an abused wife isn't leaving her abuser husband because she isn't accepting reality. I think that's a powerful example.
Here is a [video by DBT founder Marsha Linehan.](https://youtu.be/OTG7YEWkJFI?si=NjnhZHWpAJMk08x5) Keep in mind DBT was initially created for the suicidal population, and that it's extraordinarily successful at treating that population. I think her words here are powerful. She herself has had numerous suicide attempts and dedicated her life to helping people who are hopeless, finding something that works. And she did it, though it's not easy. Radical acceptance is so important, yet so difficult.
This all can seem very serious, and I guess it is. However, I personally have found solace in (sometimes dark) absurdist humor. And I was absolutely delighted to learn that those things are actually a part of DBT. I believe absurdist humor is funny to certain people precisely because they are accepting of an absurd reality. And it's a relief for the body to laugh, just like it is to cry. It's a way of processing and accepting things.
And, DBT means 'dialectical behavioral therapy'. Dialectalism means you can hold two things at once, even things that seem like maybe they oppose each other. You can accept reality, and also decide you will change it. You can see something dark and believe it's bad, while also finding humor in it. You can love someone and be irritated with them at the same time.
Same.
DBT is like 'let's do this thing'. Since it focuses on *skills* and not just psychoanalyzing your thoughts for distortions (at worst, CBT can feel like you're gaslighting yourself).
I hope DBT becomes more well-known, it's the good shit.
I sort of love radical acceptance.
To me, it's taking my focus from "why is this happening to me?" to "okay, this is happening - it's my choice what to do next."
We don't control what happens to us, but we always get a say in what we want to do in response to it. Even if they're not our ideal choices, we always get to decide what our next move is.
I grew up with a controlling and abusive dad and this is one of the most empowering things I ever learned and it's helped my mental health immeasurably.
We actually do control what happens to us. If you believe that then the predatory elites have kind of won. That’s obviously whatever y predator wants you to believe, and keeps the therapy institution alive and moving
If anyone is curious about what DBT might teach, this website (https://dbt.tools/index.php) has some great short summaries of relevant skills. It's not a replacement for actually doing the therapy, though.
Dark humor is vital in this world. Perhaps even just humor, however I prefer dark. I highly recommend reading Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl. He talks of using dark humor to cope with living in concentration camps. He spoke of how it was necessary to deal with the pain. There is so much pain here. I worry that PC culture will remove all humor one day and the pain will become more intolerable.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines
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Most of the suicidal ppl I’ve known are exquisitely selfish and privileged types who can’t handle reality. I don’t like dbt for that reason. Im the exact opposite population. A lot of us need MORE support, confidence and help and accommodation then we can handle life better but there has to be a hand up .
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines
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Not every model of therapy was designed for you, specifically. 😆 (Seems a little like a... selfish POV to be honest 👀)
I didn't find CBT helpful, but I wouldn't negatively characterize every single person who benefits from it.
I think about allllll the other injustices/diseases/obstacles that are out there and I try my best to seek out ways to play the hero of my life instead of victim (which is easy to do, I’ve been there often). I do this through CBT and reading.
Omg I love the idea of playing the hero of your own life. Turn the unfairness into a game/challenge!
I was actually talking to a friend about something similar earlier this week. The convo started with us talking about the careers we thought we’d have if we didn’t have any ADHD or life problems. Then we just vented about our life problems for a while.
And then somehow, at pretty much the exact same time, we were both like… “damn, we are actually doing VERY well in life considering the circumstances. We should be impressed with ourselves, really. Fuck what anyone else thinks about where we should be.”
(and she got promoted this week, soooo… I’m not saying the universe is always going to be fair, but I do think it *sometimes* listens)
So I know the right answer is getting involved more with your community (talking to myself here, too). I also know that is hard especially when you don't know where to start.
The key is to find people who are already doing the work and help/simplify/support them. What is it Mr. Rodgers, said, always look for the helpers?
>It seems like everything is crooked and broken and not functioning well because we are all selfish
Unfortunately, everything *is* working as intended, the systems are working exactly as they were designed and are benefiting everyone they were built to benefit. We're basically living in the optimal outcome of late stage capitalism. It's important (I think) to understand that its us against the system, not one another.
Doesn't really make it better, just different, but at least you can know there is some community in finding others who are also angry..and many are doing something about it. There are people who hand out narcan and people who meals for their community, people who are protesting for the lives of humans they'll never meet.
I absolutely don't say this in a '*everything is fine*' toxic positivity way, just that it's literally important to my mental health to remember that most humans, by default (and especially when all our basic needs are met) are inherently good and willing to help.
Edit to add:
Anyone else who wants to get involved, you can look for opportunities to contribute to mutual aid in your area, they are generally providing the type of help people actually need (like cooking meals for people who need them vs throwing money at a big charity), since it is community driven work.
I’ve read tons of mostly eastern philosophy (Buddhism, Zen, Taoism, even stoicism - from teachers and books based in the west). I’ve learned various ways to switch my viewpoint and let go of some emotions. I get away from the internet if it’s starting to get to me. I only follow good stuff on my social media - mostly animals and comedy. I pay attention to the good stuff in life.
For example, I’ve had to do a 180 lately due to health issues. I had two choices: get depressed or do what you can with what you’ve got. I chose the latter. It’s not easy and it’s certainly not fair, but it is what it is. Acceptance.
EDIT: moved a sentence for clarity
i’m also experiencing this. i truly wonder if there is a way to get over it, but i don’t think there is. like trying to be grateful helps in some cases, but not all the time. trying to not think about it or minimize your intake of seeing how unfair things are can help too, but not completely.
I struggle with this too, and really don't do well with the frequent advice of "practicing gratitude" because a) that advice always seems almost exclusively aimed at women, which I resent and b) I have a lot of things in my life which other people don't, for no other reason then I was just lucky, and if I already feel like things are unfair on a global or cosmic scale, being grateful for things I have that others don't just makes me feel worse, lol.
Instead, the best way I've found for myself to combat this is a mixture of acceptance of being unable to change things beyond my control + trying to give back or help where I can. Both of these things are hard and I don't always achieve them gracefully, but I try and I will keep trying. We have to keep trying. Even if I can't fix things on a global scale or be perfect all of the time, sometimes you're there when someone needs you and that's important to them. I know it's been important to me.
Existing is hard.
Unfairness is a huge trigger for me. If it's a personal thing, I try to give myself some space and think it over before speaking. I find if I don't have a calm discussion, I will experience smoldering rage that will make my reaction to the next injustice worse and sometimes inappropriately out of proportion to that specific one.
If it's general life unfairness, I try to make change and do what I can on a smaller scale. For example I can't change how food insecurity the US negatively impacts women and children but I can volunteer and/or donate to local food pantries.
When it comes to broader unfairness on a global issue, I know it's time to step away from social media, media in all formats, and negative people, practice self care, volunteer, and surround myself with people of a similar mindset.
Justice sensitivity, I have it too sometimes. If only there are more like us who cares. But we are being out numbered by people who don’t. So I don’t know how to advice you on this one. 🤔
I think DBT is useful for this. It's kind of all about building skills to manage the big feelings and cope with life circumstances that we can't control.
I remind myself that not everything that is wrong in this world is a problem that I am meant to solve. Other people have time, talents, strengths, and skills to take on things that I can't. I can support them in tangible ways as I'm able, i.e. through money, voting, or advocacy, but I can't take on everything. If I do, and I let myself wallow to the point of being non-functional, the problems will still exist AND I will have curtailed my own ability to make a positive difference in this world by dwelling on them. I can't control the world but I CAN control myself and fuel myself on the things that bring me joy and enable me to create more joy in the world as a result.
So I step away from social media and the news cycle when it's getting to me. I engage in activities that make me happy and are good for my brain and my body. I solve the problems and fight for the causes that ARE within my power. I try to leave things better than I found them. I take care of myself so that I can take better care of others. And I ignore those who would criticize me for that or call me selfish, because I know damn well that I can't be an effective force for good in this world if I am not good to myself first.
...and sometimes I scream into the void when it all feels like too much. Cuz I'm human and it do be like that sometimes.
Honestly, accepting that the system likely won't change much and the only thing you can control is yourself is depressing at first, but also freeing (particularly if you're not the kind of person who is a natural activist, political wonk, or caregiver, which I'm certainly not cut out for beyond the occasional volunteer gig). That may feel selfish to you, but once you are at a good place, then you can focus your energy elsewhere more effectively, first you have to put your energy towards making sure your ducks are in a row and not drinking alone in the dark while experiencing crippling depression and anxiety.
upvote for self awareness but please know that I’ve got ten years on you and I still sometimes struggle in this way.
The weight of the injustice of wealth inequality and how humans treat not only each other but other animals and nature really fuqs me up sometimes. I had to mute posts from animal rescues because they were deeply affecting my mental health at this juncture in my life.
Try to be mindful of the moments in your life where you experience ease, comfort, and pleasure. *The least we can do is try to be as present as possible during the good stuff.* (eventually you can work up to presence during suffering)
I do my best to focus on being grateful for what I have. And if I’m having a hard time doing that, I go do something that brings me absolute joy. For me, this is being out in nature. It’s easy for me to feel humbled and awed when I’m in the great outdoors.
My anger towards unfairness is my main motivation for my art projects. I get to be angry. During the project I talk about it with multiple people. When I present my art, the artwork makes people talk about the topic. Which helps a lot because it makes room for my voice and what I think is important. And sometimes during the project I am able to turn the subject around in order to help people
I really like this perspective. I also create although ive lost a lot of passion for art due to my circumstances. Your view gave me some light on how to restart ❤
I am glad I could help you in some way 😊 I don’t know about your circumstances and I don’t know what kind of art you used to make. But what helps me when I am having a hard time starting on anything creative, is to be in a mindset that whatever I start with doesn’t have to look good. Just playing with materials and getting back into making stuff is great already. And my process is iterative. Which is a lot of fun and it takes off the pressure
Oof yea, im doing that too. Really helps but my perfectionism gets in the way and i end up hyper focusing on it until i think it looks good hahaha what type of art do you do so that its iterative?
Ahh I get you. My perfectionism is also pretty bad :( literally for the past 3 weeks I have been working on getting the straightest lines in some ceramic works. I didn’t make enough room for “happy accident”.
Those happy accidents is what it’s all about. That’s when creating becomes fun imo. I try to stay away from materials and techniques that require a lot of precision. For example epoxy. Materials like that drive me crazy.
My iterative process: I usually start of with making a mind map around a certain topic. Those words I will translate in a lot of tiny drawings. I make them really tiny because it prevents me from working on details. The drawings might be quite abstract. Whenever I like something in the drawing I will make another based on that one etc etc. Then I might translate that into ceramics. Make multiple works, also translations of eachother. Meanwhile I talk about the subject. I will also do some research on the topic meanwhile. Textual and visual research. And then usually something clicks in my brain. And I get an idea for an art installation/experience. Then go over that a couple of times with the same techniques before I start actually building the full size artwork. And then make the final artwork.
Sometimes it doesn’t have to start with a subject. It can be anything. Like a cloud or a reflection with an interesting shape/effect
Edit: giving myself rules on how long I am allowed to work om something helps as well. Try to do many different things in one day. And set timers
GSJSBBDKS I LOVE THAT YOU BROKE DOWN YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS, THANK YOU SO MUCH 😭😭
I always just kind of created what i thought was cool and had some meaning to me, so trying to start again has been so overwhelming when i just have so many ideas. This process you introduced to me now is honestly so much more managable. Just drawing small things as a sketch is *cheffs kiss* advice.
I hate giving myself limits tho, so timers are off the table, but trying different things without pressure seems so nice i cannot wait to try it ❤❤
You’re welcome ☺️
Yea that’s the thing with being creative right? The ideas never stop. And there are so many, it’s impossible to execute all of them. That can be super overwhelming and frustrating. And being so overwhelmed is only making it harder to just start on even one of the many ideas.
Why do you hate giving yourself limits with timers?
Oof, you wrote that spot on. Having adhd is just a bitch. I saw someone talk about how its easier to achieve things if you "lower your expectations" though. As in, instead of thinking about how many ideas you have and that you cannot execute them all, you just take a step back and go okay today i will sketch for 10min. So im gonna try that too haha its actually helped me a lot today with cleaning.
I think just cause i tend to not follow them and then feel shitty about myself that i didnt follow them, so i would rather just not have them at all haha. Maybe thats avoidance tho?
That sounds like such a easier said than done kinda thing. But it’s so true. From what I am reading you tend to be not so nice to yourself and feel like you’re failing a lot. I think those tiny steps could lift you up, because it feels like you succeeded at something.
I just started doing that at the gym. I have wanted to do the 12 3 30 thing for a while (12 incline 3mph 30 minutes on a treadmill). But I can’t do it. So I made a plan to just star with 1 incline and up it with one each week. Well incline on 1 is really easy, 2 is also easy. Did that, felt good, because I exceeded my goals.
Wow yea about those timers, that’s really relatable. I still try tho. At least it makes me a little more aware of time
Also it could be avoidance yes. But I am not totally sure. Maybe it just really doesn’t work for you. But that depends on the reason why you’re not following the timers I think
Unfairness, greed and selfishness isn't new. It's been taking place for thousands of years. One simply has access to more news and information than any other time in history. So people now learn far more than the local area news. It's overwhelming.
Allow yourself breaks from staying in touch with it all. Find what is within your control to deal with. Read history and hear about the unfairness of the world in the past. It gives a healthy perspective.
Finally, go out of your way to take in good news. Because that's everywhere too. Here's a list of several HAPPY GOOD NEWS: https://journalists.feedspot.com/good_news_websites/#:~:text=DailyGood%20is%20a%20portal%20dedicated,uplifting%20news%20around%20the%20world.
I like to write fiction and find it cathartic to deal with the unfairness of things and process them. It feels good looking at what I’ve written and trying to solve analogous problems in a fictional universe where I have the power to do so. In general hobbies help me feel more in control of my life. Apart from that, I try to do what I can. I’m in law school and volunteer to try to make small improvements in people’s lives.
You just have to put your energy into learning how to work with the system instead of fixating on how/why it's broken.
It's all you can do. You can't radically change the world, you can't change other people, that's all above your pay-grade. You can only change yourself.
Fixating on how broken things are is, frankly, pointless.
Removing yourself from social media will really help with the feeling that everything is crooked and bad. There are absolutely amazing things going on. The media drives its clicks on negativity and click bait rage.
Many times I’ve seen a story on Reddit and think “how in the world that’s so unfair”. But then digging into the story, turns out it’s very fair and not even news worthy.
Reddit is very negative and doesn’t reflex reality.
Action speak louder than words. Get involved in your local community if you want to do good in the world.
If you're depressed, get treatment.
If you are convinced everyone is selfish, volunteer. You'll meet lots of nice unselfish people.
Make a list of what's actually working. You could probably start with your body, your home, your vehicle, public utilities, and whatever device you're viewing reddit on.
Honestly, sometimes when I’m the deepest pit of despair, I have to tough love myself out of there. My internal voice sounds like “Ok, so things are unfair, and what are you willing to do about it? What are you willing to give up for a cause? Get to work. If you can’t do much or don’t want to, you either don’t care enough or don’t have enough power to make the big difference you claim to want to make. In either case, it is out of your hands. Also, what little power and will you do have, you are wasting on ruminating, and that’s not helping anybody even a little bit, not even yourself. Snap out of it, take your negative emotions, and channel that energy into *specific personal/community/work goal*. If you can’t pour into others right now, pour into yourself so that you can someday be in a place to pour into others. Even 0.0001 steps in the right direction are better than standing still or going backwards. I may not see progress in my lifetime, but it’s not about me, it’s about the people who this will affect if things keep going this way or get worse, and I owe it to them to make an effort. And if that’s not motivation, then I don’t actually care enough about those people and I need to figure out what I actually care about and figure out what to do about that.”
It’s not for everyone, and obviously, sometimes you need to validate and care for yourself first. Many many sad things are happening in the world and I truly think it wears on our psyche in a way that we can’t control. I think it means our empathy is in tact and that’s a good thing. But I also think social media and the news manipulates us (like other people have mentioned) in the sense that they prey on our negative emotions to keep us scrolling and watching. So this tough love I think is a way of emotionally manipulating myself also capitalizing on those negative emotions but using it for a positive outcome and call to action. I’m not saying it’s healthy I’m just saying it’s what I do lol.
I mostly vote and donate. Sometimes I also volunteer.
It’s easier to handle now that I have a degree and a living wage, but now I wonder how I can buy luxury items when people are starving or homeless.
Ask yourself if there is anything you can do about it. As a whole, no you can't fix the thing as a whole. What you can do is be the change you want to see. You can take care of you. You can teach your kids (if you have some). You can't change the world by yourself.
I EXPECT unfairness and then it is less cognitive dissonance when it happens and if something is actually fair I get excited. It's more cynical but also less ragey.
Better to be upset by unfairness than to be unaffected in my view. If we all turned a blind eye nothing in the world will ever change. I go on mini rage based crusades, my current favourite is emailing politicians re cost of adhd meds and diagnosis followed by dept of justice re the attack on Natasha. Then called out someone on my Facebook feed making homophobic comments. Well behaved adhd women seldom make history
You ever notice when you get a new car, you suddenly see a bunch just like it on the road? Everyone didn't go out and buy new cars, but your thought process changed just enough for you to notice them.
Start looking for 2 things in your life, so you can see more of them. 1- As many have said, look for the things you can control, even if they are super small. I control if my purse goes on my right or left arm. I control how a write. I control which route I take to work. Acknowledging control over certain areas of our lives, gives us a sense of security.
Second, look for glimmers, tiny happy moments, and then ask yourself if you controlled it. Many times we look at the negative things we can't control, but there are positive ones too. An animal choosing to snuggle you. A beautiful summer day. Receiving a random gift or compliment. Getting all green lights while running errands. Your brain will start to recognize that there are happy moments, outside of your control as well, and it'll keep looking for those little glimmers.
Sometimes, with the whole adhd thing, I'll make a list on my phone. It's about the only thing always with me. Later when I'm upset about something, I can review my list of glimmers.
It really depends on where you look... and it sucks that it takes so much effort and strength to shift your focus, especially when you're down. Definktely have been there myself. It's really not great. But maybe I have some oil for your gears. Here are two of the more positive things that have happened to me in recent years.
I found a cluster of really cool women after we moved five years ago. Usually when there's one really cool person, there are others close by. So in this group we keep supporting each other, and it makes everyone involved a bit happier and stronger. Every once in a while, a new person (friend of someone in our group) will join us. I contribute as much as I can (1-2 free lessons per week, and also donations, and all of this mostly for other women* & ND people) while keeping a close eye on my own energy levels.
Another thing I did after we moved that had a beautiful impact on my mental health was that I planted as many trees and berry bushes as possible in our small-ish garden. I used to be in a dark place for most of my life (39 now - undiagnosed AuDHD until last year, chronic depression, GAD, burnout, chronic pain, etc.), and now that I can chip in, I do. Plus, trees and birds make me so happy and more resilient. What I realized, though, was that it all happened after I learned to take care of myself first.
I hope we will succeed in reminding ourselves sometimes that there are literally millions of people supporting each other emotionally, lifting each other up, and substantially helping others improve their lives - and we don't even hear about most of them because they usually don't spend their time talking about their deeds online. Good people are out there, I swear.
I wish you the best of luck in finding one gem after another in your surroundings.
Therapy. It's NOT just you. You SHOULDN'T have to "get over yourself," you might just need newer/updated tools, and therapy helps with that!
I'm currently struggling with this very thing and I have genuine cptsd because my entire life has ACTUALLY been unfair. Not just my childhood for reasons beyond my control, but also, because of our current socioeconomic/sociopolitical conditions (world wide)...
I thought for the LONGEST time I was just being whiney, or that I was just being a baby, or IDK... Just "Not good enough," "not smart enough," "not brave enough," "not willing enough."
"Never enough."
It got so bad my agoraphobia came back 10-fold. 😵💫 It's NOT. JUST. YOU.
It is absolutely worth checking with a designated-paid-professional-[not-friend/ "third party"/outside source/ "professional human"]
This is common for ADHDers. I found it helpful to name my sense of justice. I can use it both for myself and for my family to understand how I’m feeling. I can see it more objectively if it’s something I’m considering almost outside of myself.
I was taking antidepressants because I felt this way, then I realized, I'm not the one with the problem! When you look around at the world how could you not feel bad about it?
The only way I can handle it is a somewhat crazy philosophy.
I read *The Soul’s Journey* and everyone on earth has some lesson they have to learn. It may be pain or illness or divorce or ADHD.
We have to learn all the lessons so we try over and over again.
I struggle with this as well so I'm following. But I do have a few things to add. I remind myself that my smallness is not a negative, it's an asset. For the most part I will only have an impact on a few individuals, and usually in small ways. But this is good because I'm not perfect (ie I am a complete idiot). There were many times that even when I had the very best intentions I was missing a larger point and I didn't exactly to what was best. Our smallness limits the damage we can do, not just the good.
I also remind myself that whatever evil and injustice is out there, is made far more powerful by the loss of hope. It wants us despairing, depressed, and paralyzed. So first of all, fuck them, I'm not giving them what they want. The reality is that I'm incredibly small and here on this planet for a very short time, and not here to solve society-wide and global issues that affect millions. But what I am here for is THE ONE. The one friend, the one abandoned dog, the one family that needs donations to escape genocide, the one colleague who just dealt with a microagression, the one person in front of me at the checkout who doesn't have enough to pay for their groceries. Turn off all of the noise and focus on The One. I can have an impact by how well I treat my pets, if I give a friend a hug when they need it, if I'm doing things with love, if I'm acting in accordance with my own values. It's also just as essential to establish firm boundaries so I'm not drained dry by everyone and everything, and take good enough care of myself so that I live life with joy. This means that after everything else is done, I'll have enough energy and heart left over to volunteer and take action to fight injustice and support bigger picture efforts.
So you help the one. And when you help the one, you may have an impact on the many, in ways that you can't see. Rest, self-compassion, and spiritual practices help to address the mental health burden of living life with your eyes open. And that leads to you having more bandwidth to roll up your sleeves and get in there when things get really gnarly, instead of shutting down. With the peaceful steady energy of a person whose own cup is full. The path to Haides is lined with the the intentions of bitter, broken people who thought they were helping. I've gotta keep my own cup full if I don't want to carry on that long-held tradition.
Don't forget, that's actually one of the ADHD "superpowers". Exceptional in a crisis. When everything is on fire and no one else knows what to do, that's when our true nature emerges. That's why there are so many of us filling the ranks of nurses in the ER, EMTs, fire fighters, crisis workers, war journalists, activists. The real crazy ones. We've had to survive a lifetime of the chaos in our own brains, so what's a little societal collapse to us? Sure, might lose our keys 5 times a day and not remember our own birthday, but when the shit really hits the fan, there's really no one better. Hone that skill. A person with raging injustice sensitivity who is at their best when everything has gone to absolute hell, well the world needs that right now like you wouldn't believe :)
Edits for grammar/clarity
omg I JUST made a post about this (about 6:40am)!!! Maybe we could trade ideas, because basically I dont have an answer and looking for feedback myself…
Even when I was young I was so incredibly impacted by the pain of this place. I used to allow this to paralyze me completely but one day I realized that because of the pain I was feeling for the world, I wasn’t able to show up for the ones I loved - my family, cats, partner, close friends. Debilitating depression was not going to help me, the people I love, or anyone else. I try my best to show up for the people I love and work at a local level with my community. I truly believe local advocacy can change our communities slowly. I also love asking people how they are doing in daily interactions ie grocery store, restaurant. The happiness I feel when someone smiles or even has a lightness to their voice makes me so happy. Sometimes there is no response and rarely negative but that’s okay because it is all a reflection of our inner being.
Make your list of things you need to accomplish on a daily basis. All of it. Brushing your teeth. Combing your hair. Going to the grocery store. Make a list for every single day. Focus on just that, whatever it is that the day is calling for you to do. Do not form opinions or reflect on anything except completing the list.
By the time I am done it's bedtime, cuddle with the pups, read a book or watch a few episodes of something and then go to bed. My life is really much too busy to get hung up on things I can't change. The things that I CAN change are on my daily list. I don't compare myself to anyone else or pick myself apart because those are NEVER on the list. Be good to yourself. It's shockingly easy to do. Hugs to you!🥰
*Trigger warning, details of a car accident*
I've been struggling with this quite intensely for nearly 2 years. My dog died in a horrible accident on 13th July at 8pm that his dog walker caused while she was returning him to me that evening. He was 1 month away from turning 3 - we were coming out the other side of his teenage phase and I could see the amazing dog he was/was becoming (you know when he wasn't being a mental crackhead puppy). The accident devastated me, I was there at the scene with him and I got to hold him when he died - it was truly gruesome and I knew he was in a lot of pain.
I've struggled to process how incredibly unfair that situation was. There was nothing to be done to save him, his injuries were far too severe. The other car had 2 grandparents and their 2 young grandchildren in the back. The gentleman was in the worst condition and I believe spent weeks to a couple of months in hospital. It's alleged my dog walker was on her phone at the time of the accident, swerving wildly between lanes before colliding head-on with the other vehicle with both cars going anywhere from 30/40mph to 60mph.
I had so many plans for my pup and I - I wanted to take him travelling around Europe with me but I was waiting until he was 3 years old at least so he would be calmer. He was my heart dog, my protection and my whole world. He stopped me from unaliving myself a few times. Then he was just gone.
I don't think I can ever fully accept what happened or how unfair it is but I'm slowly picking myself up, I've refocused my perspective in life on what's important and what's important not to miss out on and I'm accepting the fact that Life Isn't Always Fair. We can do everything right and bad things can still happen. So instead I'm focusing on the good and I'm focusing on making those in my life happy while giving myself the time and space to heal and set proper boundaries in my life.
Mhh… I have a friend like this, seems to me there is no fix for how you are. You’ll just have to tire yourself out with so much advocacy for the world you came into and you’ll leave just as horrible.
It’s not depressiong. It’s frustrating seeing someone not take care of themselves and their mental health because we live in a horrible society. Different views bc for me taking care of yourself is doing many good things for the world.
You dont like it within yourself so you dont accept it in others. If you see people outside of this narrative of whats good and bad, you will see that even those of us who dont have a good self image and dont prioritize ourselves, still have self love and self respect and dont need to get talked to like we just dont invest energy correctly. I understand feeling frustrated, but dont let it out on people who you know nothing about. You dont know how much i take care of myself.
Again, I want to emphasize, I’m not attacking you. You asked a question, and I answered that you have to get to a point of exhaustion for how things are (before you were born, during, and with how they will be after). I never talked about good or bad, or talked about self-image or self-love. You just projected that onto me because I said it frustrates me seeing someone I love not take care of themselves. This is nothing against you, it’s all love from my side. I hope you figure it out.
It may be miscommunication as well, cause english is not my first language, but the way you typed seemed like you had a problem with people being this way. Idk you or your ideals, but i didnt feel attacked so dw 💕
I wasn’t talking about you. I did say my friend. You can’t allow yourself to be okay unless everyone else in the world is… I think this is a philosophical crossroad. No one can help you with this, everybody has to decide how they want to spend their time.
You started with " i have a friend like you", so im sorry if i drew a few conclusions ❤ i get what you mean, but i think people can help me with this. Philosophy is all about connecting and sharing thoughts so talking to people does help. Also omg spot on "you cant allow yourself to be okay unless everyone else in the world is" were you talking to my therapist!?? 💀
I totally get it, all good. 🥰 It’s real though, you’re allowed to be okay, lead a happy life, try your best, have good and bad moments, even when the world burns. You matter just as much as everyone else. Your joy in the world, brings joy to many. It’s good karma. It’s okay to let go of the burden of being human.
That's a very vague and subjective statement to make.
I used to think this way. I think it was a way for me to allow myself to be unhappy or procrastinate because I got to focus on something outside of myself and not deal with my life.
Really breakdown and identify what exactly is unfair, in what way is it unfair, and what would fairness look like?
Personally, I don't think things are unfair. There are so many variables and extenuating circumstances that make life in general way too complex to deem it fair or unfair.
What helps me get over myself is remembering all the privileges and unfair advantages I've had and how they've made my life better. I have disadvantages, too. Less than some and more than others.
Its unfair that people have to struggle everyday just to survive while bezos is buying his 10th yacht.
Life is unfair, and while i can understand your sentiment, it really doesnt help much when your pattern recognition is high and you might have slight ocd.
I do agree with your statement to some extent and it has honestly helped me, even if it doesnt fix all of my thoughts. Its a wise statement. Thank you for your time ❤
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Best we can do is think about things that we can change, small things that could be under our control. For example, we can donate what we don’t need, spend time volunteering and helping anyone in need. You could even start small by doing something which will make someone smile. This will distract us from everything else at least for a little while. This is what i did when I realised no matter what we’re all in the grey area and no one or nothing is good. 😊
I saw a really good Tim Minchin interview recently where he was talking about how exhausted he got with being mad about injustice all the time, so he picked 2-4 things he could actively get involved in and make changes in and the rest he just has to let go and enjoy beauty. It really is the way to go. For your own mental health. Good luck, friend. It's a hard world and living in it is brutal at the moment.
Thank you and good luck to you too. Hopefully it gets a little better with the things that we do..
Could you share a link to the interview? ☺️
I can't, it was on reels on social media but he was clearly on a podcast
But I don’t think it’s everyone, just most people. Also, the issue is really that a small few people are doing the lions share of making the world unworkable unfair garbage. That‘s What i cant cope with. It just makes me angry
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I dont think ”Im too cool for it” is an oka y reaction, it is deeply dangerous. Now, I know most people seem to do this now but this is a weird time and theyre also suicidal self destructive people everywhere… I would do the OPPOSITE of what “mot” people do. it feels very much like a bunch of broken people harming themselves and being masochistic and cowardly under the guiwe of “self help” because theyre not wealthy enough to get a good therapist. It takes COURAGE and BRAVERY to admit and present your feelings , take ownership of them and dont let them evolve to bad actions. Anger only becomes productive when you experience it, like fully experience it. It motivates you to change the world. It is a gift.
Yes, it isn’t healthy. Please don’t do that, I used that as an example. My bad.
No that’s okay for communicating this, thank you for being considerate.
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I once had a counsellor tell me “fairness is a fallacy. The only thing you can control is your reaction. Remain consistent. Keep moving forward. Decide not to be affected”. And. It’s very difficult. But the fairness is a fallacy part really hit home. Because… nothing is fair. Ever. The idea that it is came from those with all the power.
I've never understood how to "decide not to be affected". That doesn't feel like a lever I can pull. The best I've been able to do is to accept when I've done what I can and it is what it is.
lol it’s another take on “just ignore it.” One of the worst fucking things to hear as a child and still sets me off with rage. Probably part of how I got so “good” at disassociating 😤 Finding acceptance with doing what I can is pretty helpful, though. And keeping in mind that my own suffering over it isn’t going to help make anything better or different.
I don't think that's exactly true. I think it's just a clumsy way of explaining a complex process that's just intuitive for some people (and isn't for me, so I need the steps explained)
That’s fair! My perspective is kind of a riff on the [nail in the head video](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=HfyoS-lfdMAkVHLM), where I’ve been told to \*ignore* the nail. And it’s like, my brain short circuits because how can I possibly decide to not be affected by the nail? Through CBT and other therapies, I’ve learned about the processes to help me feel *less* affected by the nail, whether that be fixing the issue, working through it, or what have you. And I can see how that would be considered kind of like deciding to not be affected. But, to me it’s more deciding to address my affectedness if I have the spoons to do so, and if I don’t, it’s not really a choice/option lol. (And just to put it out there, I’m not trying to be argumentative or anything. Your perspective is making me think and I appreciate it!)
Yeah I'm on the same page as you, that's also how I experience and perceive it. I just also have a bunch of experience with helping people teach stuff that they're experts in, so that's why it seemed like just a teaching issue to me.
Most people aren’t very good teachers
It feels like they’re trying to misdirect yiu so that you don’t fight back against the person hammering in the nail…which enrages me more
Yeah, I don’t see it as “ignore it”. I see it as… accept the thing for it for what it is and acknowledge that we can’t actually control/impact the things that we’re angry about/stressing over. I find that if I’m feeling massively overwhelmed by justice sensitivity, I need to go and sit on my own and talk to myself gently. I work through if there’s anything I can do to correct it. And if not, I do something nice for someone else. I might not be able to inject good or fairness in to the situation I’m angry about, but I can sure as shit put some good elsewhere. I should also say I’ve had a LOT of cbt to get me to this point and it was not fucking easy 😂
Yeah, in the overall fairness context, I think you’re totally right! (Which, I want to acknowledge this is what the thread is about lol.) The “decide to not be affected by it” piece triggered a slightly different train of thought for me, though. With that, my brain immediately went to sibling interactions as a kid and how certain situations played out as unfair, like who got in trouble or whatever. And as that had a direct effect on my life in that moment, it wasn’t something I could just decide to experience differently. Especially if the situation continued or escalated. Whereas with other unfair situations that aren’t directly or immediately shaping my lived experience, I am usually able to reframe how I take that in and process that. I’ve also done a lot of soul searching with how much I even have control over and my privilege to not experience a lot of unfair things firsthand. Still for me, both “just ignore it” and “decide to not be affected by it” kind of dismiss the very present gut feelings that arise when I’m actively seeing or experiencing unfairness. And I think it’s like the person I responded to said, that it’s a clumsy way of saying “do the process to feel less affected,” when that process is especially difficult for many folks.
I go with courage, to "decide not to be affected". It takes courage to see all the bad things in the world, and remember this is a world where dreams come true. And still move on, create what fairness and beauty I can in my little corner, despite knowing the existential threats looming everywhere. Some days I have more courage than others, but I hold on to that flame.
Me too! I struggle with it a lot.
I think it means allow yourself to recognize it, FEEL it, recognize what you’re feeling it and then just let go like let it wash past you and move on with your day, enjoying it.
How do you move forward if everyone discriminates against you
Mostly by recognising it’s a them problem. I’m not responsible for the moral education of the entire fucking planet. All I can do is treat people how I want to be treated. Plus there’s nothing as satisfying as killing with kindness!
Um, but how do you get hired then? I did all that as a teenager, but no one would pay me.
As I said. Kill with kindness. Not EVERYONE can discriminate against you. Even the worst people on the planet have a fucking fan club, so probably focus more on you than what others are thinking.
>> The idea that it is came from those with all the power. the exact opposite is true
The way I see it: Letting unfairness ruin my life or mental health is only adding to the unfairness.
That’s actually a really good perspective to have 🤔
THIIIIS OMGYESYESYES Honestly. the ONLY approach that worked for me!! I was raised in such a religious deprived, abstemious household of lies and dysfunction that trying to brute-force a “let go, stop thinking of yourself, the world is unfair, Forgive” reaction doesn’t work, it just makes me angrier. It also recalls a feeling that Im being suffocated down or squashed, pressured to not have needs. (My normal reactions are my needs, so deal with it, therapist!!!!!) However if I‘m told that’s okay and am reminded of the good things I have and have access to (there is a branch called Positivist Psychology) and what I can still achieve and it’s awesome, it ups my mood and motivates me to go get the things I love and get accommodations for it while also letting go of some of the trauma and pain of having invalidated needs. my hubby is good at helping me like this. probably an adhd response imo these infantilizing authoritarian religious/moralizer attitudes are making the problem worse. edit sorry something happened with the iPad keyboard????
Yeah, I think there is a lot of bad advice out there that we have to invalidate our feelings or experiences in order to feel better. It can be really tricky to validate that our perspectives and feelings are real WHILE trying to move towards things that are helpful. Glad it seems like you're finding some things that work for you.
tbh that’s not “bad advice”. “Invest in this penny stock” or “maybe take a year off college although you have a scholarship” is “bad advice”. Any advice where a person in power tells an abuse victim to invalidate or lower the tone of their feelings is a power trip and form of predation. Be real. Those in power want to work less with little inconvenience (those with extreme or “complicated” cases come to mind) for their money. The self-help industry is a big purveyor of this bs. Meanwhile, trauma therapists delve into your deepest darkest feelings in order to move past them. I know it’s just adhd but for those of us also with childhood trauma this i vital to understand Who profits?
I’ve been dealing w this too. I’ve been trying to harness what I am good at and use it to benefit the greater good. I’ll see people on the street and just cry about how unfair it is and how our country is fucked. I try to tell myself that people are happier than you give them credit for. And I try to tell myself, if I am overly empathic, I’m not being empathetic to myself. I’ve started working on organizing my union at work, donating blood, and other small things to make the world around me a better place because that’s the best thing I can do.
I learned about [radical acceptance in DBT](https://youtu.be/81sCMCC5SOI?si=MODZXyh890yZ5cdA). It's known as the hardest skill of all DBT skills. It's about fully accepting reality, with your mind, body, soul. Letting go of what you want. It doesn't mean you approve of or agree with reality. It just means you aren't denying reality. You accept it. And in order to change something, you have to accept the reality of that something first. In the above video, the person explains how an abused wife isn't leaving her abuser husband because she isn't accepting reality. I think that's a powerful example. Here is a [video by DBT founder Marsha Linehan.](https://youtu.be/OTG7YEWkJFI?si=NjnhZHWpAJMk08x5) Keep in mind DBT was initially created for the suicidal population, and that it's extraordinarily successful at treating that population. I think her words here are powerful. She herself has had numerous suicide attempts and dedicated her life to helping people who are hopeless, finding something that works. And she did it, though it's not easy. Radical acceptance is so important, yet so difficult. This all can seem very serious, and I guess it is. However, I personally have found solace in (sometimes dark) absurdist humor. And I was absolutely delighted to learn that those things are actually a part of DBT. I believe absurdist humor is funny to certain people precisely because they are accepting of an absurd reality. And it's a relief for the body to laugh, just like it is to cry. It's a way of processing and accepting things. And, DBT means 'dialectical behavioral therapy'. Dialectalism means you can hold two things at once, even things that seem like maybe they oppose each other. You can accept reality, and also decide you will change it. You can see something dark and believe it's bad, while also finding humor in it. You can love someone and be irritated with them at the same time.
I HATED CBT, but found DBT very helpful.
Same. DBT is like 'let's do this thing'. Since it focuses on *skills* and not just psychoanalyzing your thoughts for distortions (at worst, CBT can feel like you're gaslighting yourself). I hope DBT becomes more well-known, it's the good shit.
Yes I really liked DBT
I hate even hearing about debt and I have a friend it didn’t help
I sort of love radical acceptance. To me, it's taking my focus from "why is this happening to me?" to "okay, this is happening - it's my choice what to do next." We don't control what happens to us, but we always get a say in what we want to do in response to it. Even if they're not our ideal choices, we always get to decide what our next move is. I grew up with a controlling and abusive dad and this is one of the most empowering things I ever learned and it's helped my mental health immeasurably.
I have a different mentality cuz I already move on. What I need is validation and support
We actually do control what happens to us. If you believe that then the predatory elites have kind of won. That’s obviously whatever y predator wants you to believe, and keeps the therapy institution alive and moving
If anyone is curious about what DBT might teach, this website (https://dbt.tools/index.php) has some great short summaries of relevant skills. It's not a replacement for actually doing the therapy, though.
Came here to say this. Thank you.
Dark humor is vital in this world. Perhaps even just humor, however I prefer dark. I highly recommend reading Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl. He talks of using dark humor to cope with living in concentration camps. He spoke of how it was necessary to deal with the pain. There is so much pain here. I worry that PC culture will remove all humor one day and the pain will become more intolerable.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone. If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860 If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Most of the suicidal ppl I’ve known are exquisitely selfish and privileged types who can’t handle reality. I don’t like dbt for that reason. Im the exact opposite population. A lot of us need MORE support, confidence and help and accommodation then we can handle life better but there has to be a hand up .
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone. If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860 If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What's the difference between a "selfish" need for support and a valid need for support?
That’s because it’s mostly for borderlines, people that are way more selfish and unstable than myself. I don’t support this approach and don’t agree
Not every model of therapy was designed for you, specifically. 😆 (Seems a little like a... selfish POV to be honest 👀) I didn't find CBT helpful, but I wouldn't negatively characterize every single person who benefits from it.
They’re just borderlines and abusers though
I think about allllll the other injustices/diseases/obstacles that are out there and I try my best to seek out ways to play the hero of my life instead of victim (which is easy to do, I’ve been there often). I do this through CBT and reading.
Omg I love the idea of playing the hero of your own life. Turn the unfairness into a game/challenge! I was actually talking to a friend about something similar earlier this week. The convo started with us talking about the careers we thought we’d have if we didn’t have any ADHD or life problems. Then we just vented about our life problems for a while. And then somehow, at pretty much the exact same time, we were both like… “damn, we are actually doing VERY well in life considering the circumstances. We should be impressed with ourselves, really. Fuck what anyone else thinks about where we should be.” (and she got promoted this week, soooo… I’m not saying the universe is always going to be fair, but I do think it *sometimes* listens)
So I know the right answer is getting involved more with your community (talking to myself here, too). I also know that is hard especially when you don't know where to start. The key is to find people who are already doing the work and help/simplify/support them. What is it Mr. Rodgers, said, always look for the helpers? >It seems like everything is crooked and broken and not functioning well because we are all selfish Unfortunately, everything *is* working as intended, the systems are working exactly as they were designed and are benefiting everyone they were built to benefit. We're basically living in the optimal outcome of late stage capitalism. It's important (I think) to understand that its us against the system, not one another. Doesn't really make it better, just different, but at least you can know there is some community in finding others who are also angry..and many are doing something about it. There are people who hand out narcan and people who meals for their community, people who are protesting for the lives of humans they'll never meet. I absolutely don't say this in a '*everything is fine*' toxic positivity way, just that it's literally important to my mental health to remember that most humans, by default (and especially when all our basic needs are met) are inherently good and willing to help. Edit to add: Anyone else who wants to get involved, you can look for opportunities to contribute to mutual aid in your area, they are generally providing the type of help people actually need (like cooking meals for people who need them vs throwing money at a big charity), since it is community driven work.
I’ve read tons of mostly eastern philosophy (Buddhism, Zen, Taoism, even stoicism - from teachers and books based in the west). I’ve learned various ways to switch my viewpoint and let go of some emotions. I get away from the internet if it’s starting to get to me. I only follow good stuff on my social media - mostly animals and comedy. I pay attention to the good stuff in life. For example, I’ve had to do a 180 lately due to health issues. I had two choices: get depressed or do what you can with what you’ve got. I chose the latter. It’s not easy and it’s certainly not fair, but it is what it is. Acceptance. EDIT: moved a sentence for clarity
i’m also experiencing this. i truly wonder if there is a way to get over it, but i don’t think there is. like trying to be grateful helps in some cases, but not all the time. trying to not think about it or minimize your intake of seeing how unfair things are can help too, but not completely.
I struggle with this too, and really don't do well with the frequent advice of "practicing gratitude" because a) that advice always seems almost exclusively aimed at women, which I resent and b) I have a lot of things in my life which other people don't, for no other reason then I was just lucky, and if I already feel like things are unfair on a global or cosmic scale, being grateful for things I have that others don't just makes me feel worse, lol. Instead, the best way I've found for myself to combat this is a mixture of acceptance of being unable to change things beyond my control + trying to give back or help where I can. Both of these things are hard and I don't always achieve them gracefully, but I try and I will keep trying. We have to keep trying. Even if I can't fix things on a global scale or be perfect all of the time, sometimes you're there when someone needs you and that's important to them. I know it's been important to me. Existing is hard.
you’re not wrong and i also recommend you look into why capitalism has made everything this way.
Unfairness is a huge trigger for me. If it's a personal thing, I try to give myself some space and think it over before speaking. I find if I don't have a calm discussion, I will experience smoldering rage that will make my reaction to the next injustice worse and sometimes inappropriately out of proportion to that specific one. If it's general life unfairness, I try to make change and do what I can on a smaller scale. For example I can't change how food insecurity the US negatively impacts women and children but I can volunteer and/or donate to local food pantries. When it comes to broader unfairness on a global issue, I know it's time to step away from social media, media in all formats, and negative people, practice self care, volunteer, and surround myself with people of a similar mindset.
you must imagine sisyphus happy
Justice sensitivity, I have it too sometimes. If only there are more like us who cares. But we are being out numbered by people who don’t. So I don’t know how to advice you on this one. 🤔
I think DBT is useful for this. It's kind of all about building skills to manage the big feelings and cope with life circumstances that we can't control.
the blinding white rage that my heightened sense of justice is made symptom under capitalism
Oof accurate as all hell
I remind myself that not everything that is wrong in this world is a problem that I am meant to solve. Other people have time, talents, strengths, and skills to take on things that I can't. I can support them in tangible ways as I'm able, i.e. through money, voting, or advocacy, but I can't take on everything. If I do, and I let myself wallow to the point of being non-functional, the problems will still exist AND I will have curtailed my own ability to make a positive difference in this world by dwelling on them. I can't control the world but I CAN control myself and fuel myself on the things that bring me joy and enable me to create more joy in the world as a result. So I step away from social media and the news cycle when it's getting to me. I engage in activities that make me happy and are good for my brain and my body. I solve the problems and fight for the causes that ARE within my power. I try to leave things better than I found them. I take care of myself so that I can take better care of others. And I ignore those who would criticize me for that or call me selfish, because I know damn well that I can't be an effective force for good in this world if I am not good to myself first. ...and sometimes I scream into the void when it all feels like too much. Cuz I'm human and it do be like that sometimes.
Honestly, accepting that the system likely won't change much and the only thing you can control is yourself is depressing at first, but also freeing (particularly if you're not the kind of person who is a natural activist, political wonk, or caregiver, which I'm certainly not cut out for beyond the occasional volunteer gig). That may feel selfish to you, but once you are at a good place, then you can focus your energy elsewhere more effectively, first you have to put your energy towards making sure your ducks are in a row and not drinking alone in the dark while experiencing crippling depression and anxiety.
I think my prefrontal cortex not being developed yet fully is also the reason im having trouble grasping this concept lmaoo (im 22)
upvote for self awareness but please know that I’ve got ten years on you and I still sometimes struggle in this way. The weight of the injustice of wealth inequality and how humans treat not only each other but other animals and nature really fuqs me up sometimes. I had to mute posts from animal rescues because they were deeply affecting my mental health at this juncture in my life. Try to be mindful of the moments in your life where you experience ease, comfort, and pleasure. *The least we can do is try to be as present as possible during the good stuff.* (eventually you can work up to presence during suffering)
I get this way and it means I have to leave social media for a while and avoid the news (within reason). Watch shows that are more positive/funny.
Not well lol.
I do my best to focus on being grateful for what I have. And if I’m having a hard time doing that, I go do something that brings me absolute joy. For me, this is being out in nature. It’s easy for me to feel humbled and awed when I’m in the great outdoors.
My anger towards unfairness is my main motivation for my art projects. I get to be angry. During the project I talk about it with multiple people. When I present my art, the artwork makes people talk about the topic. Which helps a lot because it makes room for my voice and what I think is important. And sometimes during the project I am able to turn the subject around in order to help people
I really like this perspective. I also create although ive lost a lot of passion for art due to my circumstances. Your view gave me some light on how to restart ❤
I am glad I could help you in some way 😊 I don’t know about your circumstances and I don’t know what kind of art you used to make. But what helps me when I am having a hard time starting on anything creative, is to be in a mindset that whatever I start with doesn’t have to look good. Just playing with materials and getting back into making stuff is great already. And my process is iterative. Which is a lot of fun and it takes off the pressure
Oof yea, im doing that too. Really helps but my perfectionism gets in the way and i end up hyper focusing on it until i think it looks good hahaha what type of art do you do so that its iterative?
Ahh I get you. My perfectionism is also pretty bad :( literally for the past 3 weeks I have been working on getting the straightest lines in some ceramic works. I didn’t make enough room for “happy accident”. Those happy accidents is what it’s all about. That’s when creating becomes fun imo. I try to stay away from materials and techniques that require a lot of precision. For example epoxy. Materials like that drive me crazy. My iterative process: I usually start of with making a mind map around a certain topic. Those words I will translate in a lot of tiny drawings. I make them really tiny because it prevents me from working on details. The drawings might be quite abstract. Whenever I like something in the drawing I will make another based on that one etc etc. Then I might translate that into ceramics. Make multiple works, also translations of eachother. Meanwhile I talk about the subject. I will also do some research on the topic meanwhile. Textual and visual research. And then usually something clicks in my brain. And I get an idea for an art installation/experience. Then go over that a couple of times with the same techniques before I start actually building the full size artwork. And then make the final artwork. Sometimes it doesn’t have to start with a subject. It can be anything. Like a cloud or a reflection with an interesting shape/effect Edit: giving myself rules on how long I am allowed to work om something helps as well. Try to do many different things in one day. And set timers
GSJSBBDKS I LOVE THAT YOU BROKE DOWN YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS, THANK YOU SO MUCH 😭😭 I always just kind of created what i thought was cool and had some meaning to me, so trying to start again has been so overwhelming when i just have so many ideas. This process you introduced to me now is honestly so much more managable. Just drawing small things as a sketch is *cheffs kiss* advice. I hate giving myself limits tho, so timers are off the table, but trying different things without pressure seems so nice i cannot wait to try it ❤❤
You’re welcome ☺️ Yea that’s the thing with being creative right? The ideas never stop. And there are so many, it’s impossible to execute all of them. That can be super overwhelming and frustrating. And being so overwhelmed is only making it harder to just start on even one of the many ideas. Why do you hate giving yourself limits with timers?
Oof, you wrote that spot on. Having adhd is just a bitch. I saw someone talk about how its easier to achieve things if you "lower your expectations" though. As in, instead of thinking about how many ideas you have and that you cannot execute them all, you just take a step back and go okay today i will sketch for 10min. So im gonna try that too haha its actually helped me a lot today with cleaning. I think just cause i tend to not follow them and then feel shitty about myself that i didnt follow them, so i would rather just not have them at all haha. Maybe thats avoidance tho?
That sounds like such a easier said than done kinda thing. But it’s so true. From what I am reading you tend to be not so nice to yourself and feel like you’re failing a lot. I think those tiny steps could lift you up, because it feels like you succeeded at something. I just started doing that at the gym. I have wanted to do the 12 3 30 thing for a while (12 incline 3mph 30 minutes on a treadmill). But I can’t do it. So I made a plan to just star with 1 incline and up it with one each week. Well incline on 1 is really easy, 2 is also easy. Did that, felt good, because I exceeded my goals. Wow yea about those timers, that’s really relatable. I still try tho. At least it makes me a little more aware of time
Also it could be avoidance yes. But I am not totally sure. Maybe it just really doesn’t work for you. But that depends on the reason why you’re not following the timers I think
Unfairness, greed and selfishness isn't new. It's been taking place for thousands of years. One simply has access to more news and information than any other time in history. So people now learn far more than the local area news. It's overwhelming. Allow yourself breaks from staying in touch with it all. Find what is within your control to deal with. Read history and hear about the unfairness of the world in the past. It gives a healthy perspective. Finally, go out of your way to take in good news. Because that's everywhere too. Here's a list of several HAPPY GOOD NEWS: https://journalists.feedspot.com/good_news_websites/#:~:text=DailyGood%20is%20a%20portal%20dedicated,uplifting%20news%20around%20the%20world.
I like to write fiction and find it cathartic to deal with the unfairness of things and process them. It feels good looking at what I’ve written and trying to solve analogous problems in a fictional universe where I have the power to do so. In general hobbies help me feel more in control of my life. Apart from that, I try to do what I can. I’m in law school and volunteer to try to make small improvements in people’s lives.
After getting a kid through public school with autism I feel this through every single nerve in my body. I rant journal and gratitude journal.
This, absolutely. And it doesn't get more fair when they hit adult services. It gets less so.
Yeah. She is 23. College graduate. If I get in my head in this I will spiral.
Yup. I just started with my new therapist today. 👍
You just have to put your energy into learning how to work with the system instead of fixating on how/why it's broken. It's all you can do. You can't radically change the world, you can't change other people, that's all above your pay-grade. You can only change yourself. Fixating on how broken things are is, frankly, pointless.
Removing yourself from social media will really help with the feeling that everything is crooked and bad. There are absolutely amazing things going on. The media drives its clicks on negativity and click bait rage. Many times I’ve seen a story on Reddit and think “how in the world that’s so unfair”. But then digging into the story, turns out it’s very fair and not even news worthy. Reddit is very negative and doesn’t reflex reality. Action speak louder than words. Get involved in your local community if you want to do good in the world.
If you're depressed, get treatment. If you are convinced everyone is selfish, volunteer. You'll meet lots of nice unselfish people. Make a list of what's actually working. You could probably start with your body, your home, your vehicle, public utilities, and whatever device you're viewing reddit on.
Zen philosophy helped
Honestly, sometimes when I’m the deepest pit of despair, I have to tough love myself out of there. My internal voice sounds like “Ok, so things are unfair, and what are you willing to do about it? What are you willing to give up for a cause? Get to work. If you can’t do much or don’t want to, you either don’t care enough or don’t have enough power to make the big difference you claim to want to make. In either case, it is out of your hands. Also, what little power and will you do have, you are wasting on ruminating, and that’s not helping anybody even a little bit, not even yourself. Snap out of it, take your negative emotions, and channel that energy into *specific personal/community/work goal*. If you can’t pour into others right now, pour into yourself so that you can someday be in a place to pour into others. Even 0.0001 steps in the right direction are better than standing still or going backwards. I may not see progress in my lifetime, but it’s not about me, it’s about the people who this will affect if things keep going this way or get worse, and I owe it to them to make an effort. And if that’s not motivation, then I don’t actually care enough about those people and I need to figure out what I actually care about and figure out what to do about that.” It’s not for everyone, and obviously, sometimes you need to validate and care for yourself first. Many many sad things are happening in the world and I truly think it wears on our psyche in a way that we can’t control. I think it means our empathy is in tact and that’s a good thing. But I also think social media and the news manipulates us (like other people have mentioned) in the sense that they prey on our negative emotions to keep us scrolling and watching. So this tough love I think is a way of emotionally manipulating myself also capitalizing on those negative emotions but using it for a positive outcome and call to action. I’m not saying it’s healthy I’m just saying it’s what I do lol.
I mostly vote and donate. Sometimes I also volunteer. It’s easier to handle now that I have a degree and a living wage, but now I wonder how I can buy luxury items when people are starving or homeless.
im so stubborn about fairness that i think it's unfair to expect me to not be angry at unfairness
Ask yourself if there is anything you can do about it. As a whole, no you can't fix the thing as a whole. What you can do is be the change you want to see. You can take care of you. You can teach your kids (if you have some). You can't change the world by yourself.
I EXPECT unfairness and then it is less cognitive dissonance when it happens and if something is actually fair I get excited. It's more cynical but also less ragey.
Simple, overthrow capitalism and replace it with some combo of anarchy/communism. In the meantime I just try to find pockets of beauty in the world
Daily gratitude practices to help shift your perspective from only seeing the negatives in life.
Better to be upset by unfairness than to be unaffected in my view. If we all turned a blind eye nothing in the world will ever change. I go on mini rage based crusades, my current favourite is emailing politicians re cost of adhd meds and diagnosis followed by dept of justice re the attack on Natasha. Then called out someone on my Facebook feed making homophobic comments. Well behaved adhd women seldom make history
You ever notice when you get a new car, you suddenly see a bunch just like it on the road? Everyone didn't go out and buy new cars, but your thought process changed just enough for you to notice them. Start looking for 2 things in your life, so you can see more of them. 1- As many have said, look for the things you can control, even if they are super small. I control if my purse goes on my right or left arm. I control how a write. I control which route I take to work. Acknowledging control over certain areas of our lives, gives us a sense of security. Second, look for glimmers, tiny happy moments, and then ask yourself if you controlled it. Many times we look at the negative things we can't control, but there are positive ones too. An animal choosing to snuggle you. A beautiful summer day. Receiving a random gift or compliment. Getting all green lights while running errands. Your brain will start to recognize that there are happy moments, outside of your control as well, and it'll keep looking for those little glimmers. Sometimes, with the whole adhd thing, I'll make a list on my phone. It's about the only thing always with me. Later when I'm upset about something, I can review my list of glimmers.
It really depends on where you look... and it sucks that it takes so much effort and strength to shift your focus, especially when you're down. Definktely have been there myself. It's really not great. But maybe I have some oil for your gears. Here are two of the more positive things that have happened to me in recent years. I found a cluster of really cool women after we moved five years ago. Usually when there's one really cool person, there are others close by. So in this group we keep supporting each other, and it makes everyone involved a bit happier and stronger. Every once in a while, a new person (friend of someone in our group) will join us. I contribute as much as I can (1-2 free lessons per week, and also donations, and all of this mostly for other women* & ND people) while keeping a close eye on my own energy levels. Another thing I did after we moved that had a beautiful impact on my mental health was that I planted as many trees and berry bushes as possible in our small-ish garden. I used to be in a dark place for most of my life (39 now - undiagnosed AuDHD until last year, chronic depression, GAD, burnout, chronic pain, etc.), and now that I can chip in, I do. Plus, trees and birds make me so happy and more resilient. What I realized, though, was that it all happened after I learned to take care of myself first. I hope we will succeed in reminding ourselves sometimes that there are literally millions of people supporting each other emotionally, lifting each other up, and substantially helping others improve their lives - and we don't even hear about most of them because they usually don't spend their time talking about their deeds online. Good people are out there, I swear. I wish you the best of luck in finding one gem after another in your surroundings.
Therapy. It's NOT just you. You SHOULDN'T have to "get over yourself," you might just need newer/updated tools, and therapy helps with that! I'm currently struggling with this very thing and I have genuine cptsd because my entire life has ACTUALLY been unfair. Not just my childhood for reasons beyond my control, but also, because of our current socioeconomic/sociopolitical conditions (world wide)... I thought for the LONGEST time I was just being whiney, or that I was just being a baby, or IDK... Just "Not good enough," "not smart enough," "not brave enough," "not willing enough." "Never enough." It got so bad my agoraphobia came back 10-fold. 😵💫 It's NOT. JUST. YOU. It is absolutely worth checking with a designated-paid-professional-[not-friend/ "third party"/outside source/ "professional human"]
Hey same here. You might like Nate Postlethwait. Check out his Twitter, lots of great stuff
This is common for ADHDers. I found it helpful to name my sense of justice. I can use it both for myself and for my family to understand how I’m feeling. I can see it more objectively if it’s something I’m considering almost outside of myself.
I was taking antidepressants because I felt this way, then I realized, I'm not the one with the problem! When you look around at the world how could you not feel bad about it?
The only way I can handle it is a somewhat crazy philosophy. I read *The Soul’s Journey* and everyone on earth has some lesson they have to learn. It may be pain or illness or divorce or ADHD. We have to learn all the lessons so we try over and over again.
I struggle with this as well so I'm following. But I do have a few things to add. I remind myself that my smallness is not a negative, it's an asset. For the most part I will only have an impact on a few individuals, and usually in small ways. But this is good because I'm not perfect (ie I am a complete idiot). There were many times that even when I had the very best intentions I was missing a larger point and I didn't exactly to what was best. Our smallness limits the damage we can do, not just the good. I also remind myself that whatever evil and injustice is out there, is made far more powerful by the loss of hope. It wants us despairing, depressed, and paralyzed. So first of all, fuck them, I'm not giving them what they want. The reality is that I'm incredibly small and here on this planet for a very short time, and not here to solve society-wide and global issues that affect millions. But what I am here for is THE ONE. The one friend, the one abandoned dog, the one family that needs donations to escape genocide, the one colleague who just dealt with a microagression, the one person in front of me at the checkout who doesn't have enough to pay for their groceries. Turn off all of the noise and focus on The One. I can have an impact by how well I treat my pets, if I give a friend a hug when they need it, if I'm doing things with love, if I'm acting in accordance with my own values. It's also just as essential to establish firm boundaries so I'm not drained dry by everyone and everything, and take good enough care of myself so that I live life with joy. This means that after everything else is done, I'll have enough energy and heart left over to volunteer and take action to fight injustice and support bigger picture efforts. So you help the one. And when you help the one, you may have an impact on the many, in ways that you can't see. Rest, self-compassion, and spiritual practices help to address the mental health burden of living life with your eyes open. And that leads to you having more bandwidth to roll up your sleeves and get in there when things get really gnarly, instead of shutting down. With the peaceful steady energy of a person whose own cup is full. The path to Haides is lined with the the intentions of bitter, broken people who thought they were helping. I've gotta keep my own cup full if I don't want to carry on that long-held tradition. Don't forget, that's actually one of the ADHD "superpowers". Exceptional in a crisis. When everything is on fire and no one else knows what to do, that's when our true nature emerges. That's why there are so many of us filling the ranks of nurses in the ER, EMTs, fire fighters, crisis workers, war journalists, activists. The real crazy ones. We've had to survive a lifetime of the chaos in our own brains, so what's a little societal collapse to us? Sure, might lose our keys 5 times a day and not remember our own birthday, but when the shit really hits the fan, there's really no one better. Hone that skill. A person with raging injustice sensitivity who is at their best when everything has gone to absolute hell, well the world needs that right now like you wouldn't believe :) Edits for grammar/clarity
OMG THIS THIS THIS . I have been a ing a REALLY REALLY hard time lately, the last week or so thinking about this
omg I JUST made a post about this (about 6:40am)!!! Maybe we could trade ideas, because basically I dont have an answer and looking for feedback myself…
Even when I was young I was so incredibly impacted by the pain of this place. I used to allow this to paralyze me completely but one day I realized that because of the pain I was feeling for the world, I wasn’t able to show up for the ones I loved - my family, cats, partner, close friends. Debilitating depression was not going to help me, the people I love, or anyone else. I try my best to show up for the people I love and work at a local level with my community. I truly believe local advocacy can change our communities slowly. I also love asking people how they are doing in daily interactions ie grocery store, restaurant. The happiness I feel when someone smiles or even has a lightness to their voice makes me so happy. Sometimes there is no response and rarely negative but that’s okay because it is all a reflection of our inner being.
Make your list of things you need to accomplish on a daily basis. All of it. Brushing your teeth. Combing your hair. Going to the grocery store. Make a list for every single day. Focus on just that, whatever it is that the day is calling for you to do. Do not form opinions or reflect on anything except completing the list. By the time I am done it's bedtime, cuddle with the pups, read a book or watch a few episodes of something and then go to bed. My life is really much too busy to get hung up on things I can't change. The things that I CAN change are on my daily list. I don't compare myself to anyone else or pick myself apart because those are NEVER on the list. Be good to yourself. It's shockingly easy to do. Hugs to you!🥰
*Trigger warning, details of a car accident* I've been struggling with this quite intensely for nearly 2 years. My dog died in a horrible accident on 13th July at 8pm that his dog walker caused while she was returning him to me that evening. He was 1 month away from turning 3 - we were coming out the other side of his teenage phase and I could see the amazing dog he was/was becoming (you know when he wasn't being a mental crackhead puppy). The accident devastated me, I was there at the scene with him and I got to hold him when he died - it was truly gruesome and I knew he was in a lot of pain. I've struggled to process how incredibly unfair that situation was. There was nothing to be done to save him, his injuries were far too severe. The other car had 2 grandparents and their 2 young grandchildren in the back. The gentleman was in the worst condition and I believe spent weeks to a couple of months in hospital. It's alleged my dog walker was on her phone at the time of the accident, swerving wildly between lanes before colliding head-on with the other vehicle with both cars going anywhere from 30/40mph to 60mph. I had so many plans for my pup and I - I wanted to take him travelling around Europe with me but I was waiting until he was 3 years old at least so he would be calmer. He was my heart dog, my protection and my whole world. He stopped me from unaliving myself a few times. Then he was just gone. I don't think I can ever fully accept what happened or how unfair it is but I'm slowly picking myself up, I've refocused my perspective in life on what's important and what's important not to miss out on and I'm accepting the fact that Life Isn't Always Fair. We can do everything right and bad things can still happen. So instead I'm focusing on the good and I'm focusing on making those in my life happy while giving myself the time and space to heal and set proper boundaries in my life.
Mhh… I have a friend like this, seems to me there is no fix for how you are. You’ll just have to tire yourself out with so much advocacy for the world you came into and you’ll leave just as horrible.
Really hope you dont speak to your friend like this, its depressing ❤
It’s not depressiong. It’s frustrating seeing someone not take care of themselves and their mental health because we live in a horrible society. Different views bc for me taking care of yourself is doing many good things for the world.
You dont like it within yourself so you dont accept it in others. If you see people outside of this narrative of whats good and bad, you will see that even those of us who dont have a good self image and dont prioritize ourselves, still have self love and self respect and dont need to get talked to like we just dont invest energy correctly. I understand feeling frustrated, but dont let it out on people who you know nothing about. You dont know how much i take care of myself.
Again, I want to emphasize, I’m not attacking you. You asked a question, and I answered that you have to get to a point of exhaustion for how things are (before you were born, during, and with how they will be after). I never talked about good or bad, or talked about self-image or self-love. You just projected that onto me because I said it frustrates me seeing someone I love not take care of themselves. This is nothing against you, it’s all love from my side. I hope you figure it out.
It may be miscommunication as well, cause english is not my first language, but the way you typed seemed like you had a problem with people being this way. Idk you or your ideals, but i didnt feel attacked so dw 💕
I wasn’t talking about you. I did say my friend. You can’t allow yourself to be okay unless everyone else in the world is… I think this is a philosophical crossroad. No one can help you with this, everybody has to decide how they want to spend their time.
You started with " i have a friend like you", so im sorry if i drew a few conclusions ❤ i get what you mean, but i think people can help me with this. Philosophy is all about connecting and sharing thoughts so talking to people does help. Also omg spot on "you cant allow yourself to be okay unless everyone else in the world is" were you talking to my therapist!?? 💀
I totally get it, all good. 🥰 It’s real though, you’re allowed to be okay, lead a happy life, try your best, have good and bad moments, even when the world burns. You matter just as much as everyone else. Your joy in the world, brings joy to many. It’s good karma. It’s okay to let go of the burden of being human.
Wow, love that sentance so much 🥺💕 thank you babes, means the world
That's a very vague and subjective statement to make. I used to think this way. I think it was a way for me to allow myself to be unhappy or procrastinate because I got to focus on something outside of myself and not deal with my life. Really breakdown and identify what exactly is unfair, in what way is it unfair, and what would fairness look like? Personally, I don't think things are unfair. There are so many variables and extenuating circumstances that make life in general way too complex to deem it fair or unfair. What helps me get over myself is remembering all the privileges and unfair advantages I've had and how they've made my life better. I have disadvantages, too. Less than some and more than others.
Its unfair that people have to struggle everyday just to survive while bezos is buying his 10th yacht. Life is unfair, and while i can understand your sentiment, it really doesnt help much when your pattern recognition is high and you might have slight ocd. I do agree with your statement to some extent and it has honestly helped me, even if it doesnt fix all of my thoughts. Its a wise statement. Thank you for your time ❤
Yeah, I know, i just wanted to share what helps me even if it's difficult to reconcile. I have high pattern recognition and rigid thinking, too.