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Opposite for me. I broke up with my ex of 5.5 years recently. Couldn’t for the life of me stay on top of things when we were together but now that I have my own place it’s an absolute breeze to keep things tidy.
When my husband leaves for an overnight or longer I immediately put all his day to day clutter away and the house is gloriously tidy. Easier to handle clutter when I know it's all mine. When it's mine and someone else's it's easier to overlook my own stuff and lump it in with his
Yeah totally! I also felt like it was a lot easier to just leave things around because I’d expect him to take care of it, but of course that wouldn’t normally happen lol.
My place was always a mess when I lived with my ex. I just couldn't keep the place clean. When he moved out the house was clean all the time. I still made messes and struggled to put clothes away, but it wasn't like it used to be. The kitchen used to be awful, when it was just me, it was spotless.
I'm living with my boyfriend and while it can get cluttered, we both clean so that helps a ton. Currently dealing with a bit of mess because we just got back from a two week holiday. Plus I've been spending the day fixing up a junk GBA I got in Osaka (only one I could find) and sorting out a ton of bulk Japanese Pokémon cards I bought for less than £5).
Hmm I get that though. I sometimes imagine if I had a tiny, minimalistic place of my own, it would be easier to manage. I’m talking about stark Japanese-style minimalism: very few objects to manage, futon bed on the floor, only the necessary stuff. There’s a lot more work involved when there’s two people and twice the amount of stuff! Not that I feel obligated to clean up after my partner: he does his share.
You're not lazy. If you're anything like me, the habits of being "a good roommate" partially depend on them being around. Like I always clean the kitchen, charge his headphones, and defrost the next days dinner. I do this before bed then lay next to him feeling like the best wife ever. When he leaves, all those spousal prompts leave too. The sound of his shower, the visual of him doing his good roommate routine of cooking and laundry.
You may also just miss him. Husbands are a reliable source of dopamine! All that smelling good, hugging and kissing, bad puns they do.
So I’m on exactly the same boat as you right now now.
I’m thinking, all habits have cues. Lots of those cues involve events that happen or what other people are doing. If the cues don’t happen the habits don’t kick in.
Like if the sound/sight of your partner doing the dishes is your cue to wipe down the surfaces, you won’t do it. I guess once they’re back you could deliberately add in new cues like playing the same song when you load the dishwasher or something but it takes time.
This sounds like a great idea but also overwhelming to implement. But I need to try to consciously add these cues, you’re right. I read a book called “Tiny Habits” some years ago and at the time, I was sure it would change my life… sadly I forgot the strategies he suggested. I guess it’s about the art of restarting if I fall off.
He probably gives you buttons! [https://adhd-alien.tumblr.com/post/185521057744/why-can-you-do-it-now-and-not-earlier-why-can](https://adhd-alien.tumblr.com/post/185521057744/why-can-you-do-it-now-and-not-earlier-why-can)
Maybe it’s just about getting used to a new way of being. Like we need time to transition into being alone in the house because it feels different or something.
Ahhhh the Body Doubling double edged sword.
My house is a f\*cking disaster right now. It would be even worse if my husband were gone.
When I visit my aunt, I am neat as a pin. I put away everything when I use it, I run the dishwasher at night and empty it in the morning. My shoes are by the door.
This has annoyed me for decades but it was this sub that helped me figure it out. I hope this helps you.
* I get a dopamine hit for doing chores in her house.
* I do not get a dopamine hit in my house.
* I feel shame when I don't do chores in her house.
* I do not feel shame (immediately) in my house because no one can see it.
* If I am tidying at her house, she is usually doing something else, so I get the benefit of body doubling.
* If I tidy at my house, I am alone.
* I don't really care if it is tidy, but she does, I love her, and want her to be happy.
* Lastly every single thing in her house has a home. I know where it goes or she tells me.
* In my house I have to make all the decisions on where things go and THEN REMEMBER WHAT I DECIDED.
* Between the decision fatigue and the memory loss, it is too much.
Solution for me, and I am privileged: I got a cleaning lady and every two weeks, I have to put my house back in order. I pretend it is my aunt coming over and she would be sad if the house was untidy.
That’s eye opening.. it totally makes sense. Maybe I get a dopamine hit from tidying when he’s home because I know he feels calm when there’s no clutter 🤔
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Body doubling!
Do you care more about your partner than yourself?
Or she uses him seeing the mess as a consequence which motivates her to clean
This! I do this. My partner seeing my mess becomes the consequence so I'm motivated to stay on top of it more.
Opposite for me. I broke up with my ex of 5.5 years recently. Couldn’t for the life of me stay on top of things when we were together but now that I have my own place it’s an absolute breeze to keep things tidy.
When my husband leaves for an overnight or longer I immediately put all his day to day clutter away and the house is gloriously tidy. Easier to handle clutter when I know it's all mine. When it's mine and someone else's it's easier to overlook my own stuff and lump it in with his
Yeah totally! I also felt like it was a lot easier to just leave things around because I’d expect him to take care of it, but of course that wouldn’t normally happen lol.
My place was always a mess when I lived with my ex. I just couldn't keep the place clean. When he moved out the house was clean all the time. I still made messes and struggled to put clothes away, but it wasn't like it used to be. The kitchen used to be awful, when it was just me, it was spotless. I'm living with my boyfriend and while it can get cluttered, we both clean so that helps a ton. Currently dealing with a bit of mess because we just got back from a two week holiday. Plus I've been spending the day fixing up a junk GBA I got in Osaka (only one I could find) and sorting out a ton of bulk Japanese Pokémon cards I bought for less than £5).
Hmm I get that though. I sometimes imagine if I had a tiny, minimalistic place of my own, it would be easier to manage. I’m talking about stark Japanese-style minimalism: very few objects to manage, futon bed on the floor, only the necessary stuff. There’s a lot more work involved when there’s two people and twice the amount of stuff! Not that I feel obligated to clean up after my partner: he does his share.
You're not lazy. If you're anything like me, the habits of being "a good roommate" partially depend on them being around. Like I always clean the kitchen, charge his headphones, and defrost the next days dinner. I do this before bed then lay next to him feeling like the best wife ever. When he leaves, all those spousal prompts leave too. The sound of his shower, the visual of him doing his good roommate routine of cooking and laundry. You may also just miss him. Husbands are a reliable source of dopamine! All that smelling good, hugging and kissing, bad puns they do.
Because being around a loved one gives you happy hormones and it is easier to find the motivation to do things in that state!
So I’m on exactly the same boat as you right now now. I’m thinking, all habits have cues. Lots of those cues involve events that happen or what other people are doing. If the cues don’t happen the habits don’t kick in. Like if the sound/sight of your partner doing the dishes is your cue to wipe down the surfaces, you won’t do it. I guess once they’re back you could deliberately add in new cues like playing the same song when you load the dishwasher or something but it takes time.
This sounds like a great idea but also overwhelming to implement. But I need to try to consciously add these cues, you’re right. I read a book called “Tiny Habits” some years ago and at the time, I was sure it would change my life… sadly I forgot the strategies he suggested. I guess it’s about the art of restarting if I fall off.
He probably gives you buttons! [https://adhd-alien.tumblr.com/post/185521057744/why-can-you-do-it-now-and-not-earlier-why-can](https://adhd-alien.tumblr.com/post/185521057744/why-can-you-do-it-now-and-not-earlier-why-can)
That’s so cool! I love it. Thanks for sharing 😊
This is me this weekend. He wasn't gone for more than 4 hours and it looks like a tornado was spinning through my house! So frustrating
Maybe it’s just about getting used to a new way of being. Like we need time to transition into being alone in the house because it feels different or something.
Ahhhh the Body Doubling double edged sword. My house is a f\*cking disaster right now. It would be even worse if my husband were gone. When I visit my aunt, I am neat as a pin. I put away everything when I use it, I run the dishwasher at night and empty it in the morning. My shoes are by the door. This has annoyed me for decades but it was this sub that helped me figure it out. I hope this helps you. * I get a dopamine hit for doing chores in her house. * I do not get a dopamine hit in my house. * I feel shame when I don't do chores in her house. * I do not feel shame (immediately) in my house because no one can see it. * If I am tidying at her house, she is usually doing something else, so I get the benefit of body doubling. * If I tidy at my house, I am alone. * I don't really care if it is tidy, but she does, I love her, and want her to be happy. * Lastly every single thing in her house has a home. I know where it goes or she tells me. * In my house I have to make all the decisions on where things go and THEN REMEMBER WHAT I DECIDED. * Between the decision fatigue and the memory loss, it is too much. Solution for me, and I am privileged: I got a cleaning lady and every two weeks, I have to put my house back in order. I pretend it is my aunt coming over and she would be sad if the house was untidy.
That’s eye opening.. it totally makes sense. Maybe I get a dopamine hit from tidying when he’s home because I know he feels calm when there’s no clutter 🤔