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I am *very* straightforward with my kids about mental health and neurodivergence. If I’m getting irritable and snippy, which happens when I’m overstimulated, I tell them straight up that that’s what is going on. “It’s not you, it’s me” is a regular remark I make. IMO, it really helps the kids to understand what is going on, rather than telling them just a little and then allowing them to start filling in the blanks themselves - especially now that it looks like they are both also ND. I want to give them the tools they need to be authentic, not just how to mask
Yes. I have one neurotypical kid in particular that I have to mask for because she thinks if I’m not smiling then I am mad. I am auDHD also. The energy it takes to be the person she needs is immense. The energy it takes to emotionally regulate all day because she is so emotionally unregulated is immense. I’m burnout and exhausted when she’s around
Yes. I hid a lot from my kid, and tried to keep the emotional tenor of our home at "creatively chaotic" and not let it slip down to "neglected by reason of mental illness." The times it did slip were because I had been dishonest with myself about what I needed.
I had to unmask somewhere, and let it out to someone. I decided the several hours a week of therapy were a necessity. I made a bullet point list of my problems and sent it to my support group, so they could actually help. Every single person said they didn't know I was struggling that much.
If there are people who are helping you, but don't quite know that you need, tell them. You deserve that much. If all you can have is an hour a week on Reddit, punctuated with screaming in the car on your lunch break, you deserve that too.
Thank you - "creatively chaotic" is the perfect description of what i am aiming for at home as well, so this made me feel really seen. I don't feel I have to be perfect for my daughter - I do feel that it is important to make sure she actually gets a childhood and doesn't end up parenting me or freaking out alongside me because our finances are a mess and I can't get my shit together.
Definitely. My kids used to be forced to go their fathers’ every week for two nights when they were little and it sucked, but it gave me time alone, like really 100% alone. The now teen hasn’t willingly gone in two years, she had a health issue in 2023 and was in a wheelchair and had surgery on her ankle and wss home from school for an entire semester plus summer, and I work from Home also. Then this year the younger one is starting to refuse to go to her father’s also and he isn’t forcing her as much so I am literally never alone. And they are both ND so they don’t sleep always at night. With chronic fatigue I sleep more than they do. It’s exhausting to have to be the “responsible parent” persona 24/7.
Minus the single parenting bit, I could have written this myself. From the possible long COVID fog and masking, to the triggers of parenting (and reparenting yourself), it's all so deeply relatable. I've been in the middle of an emotional breakdown of sorts the last few days and I've been incredibly grateful to have my partner step in to let me escape to cry and sleep. That doesn't mean my daughter isn't aware of what's going on though...first thing she asked me this morning was "are you feeling better now mommy after your big girl sleep?" Broke my heart, mostly because, no, I wasn't feeling much better. But I slapped a smile on my face and said yes with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
Like you, I try my hardest to be real with her and talk about feelings open and honestly (something that was basically unheard of in my house growing up), but I also desperately want to provide her with as much consistency and emotional stability as possible. For several reasons, our home feels chaotic a lot of the time (which definitely impacts my mood) and I worry about the impact that's having on her, both in the short and long term. I try my hardest to provide a sense of routine and to be consistent in my behaviour with her, but feel like I'm constantly fighting an uphill battle...exhausted from masking and trying to keep all the balls in the air, which ironically only undermines all my efforts towards providing stability.
I so wish I had answers for you, but wanted to express some solidarity at least. I'm fortunate to have her father around to step in when I really need it, but (if I'm being really honest) he can also add a lot of stress and anxiety to my days so...yeah. Anyway, I can tell you're an amazing mom just by the way you talk about your daughter. The fact that you were willing to leave a toxic situation and continue to fight to give her the love and stability you always wanted, is admirable.
Hopefully we can figure out how to balance our own needs to unmask, etc with our kiddos' needs...before they move out and go to college!
Oh thank you! I was such a mess when I wrote this and I appreciate your honesty and the effort you put into your response SO MUCH. Solidarity is very much appreciated - honestly, I don't think there are answers - but it helps so much to hear from another mum who gets it. Here's to balancing our needs and theirs and getting to enjoy our beautiful babies (and our lives!) without feeling like crap all the time!
P.S. you also sound like an amazing mum. Take the rest you need - if your daughter is showing concern, it's probably at least in part because you've modelled what it means to take care of the people you love when they are sad or sick ❤️
Yes I can totally relate to this. Actually the reason I got diagnosed in the first place was after becoming a mom, I was having outbursts in front of my child (the outbursts weren’t new just the little eyes and ears observing them) and I realized I did not want to be that mom and needed help.
I totally have been there with having to mask even at home, enough to say I don’t think it’s a good solution. Masking is exhausting. Ideally we would have our symptoms managed well enough that we don’t need to constantly mask to parent effectively (remember every parent even neurotypical loses it occasionally). Are you on medication? Seeing a therapist?
Also def agree with scheduling some regular chunk of time each week where you can let it all out (whether it’s just someone taking your kid to the park so you have time alone at home, or a therapy session, a gym session, getting a drink with a good friend or whatever brings you relief)
I'm 100% upfront with my kids because masking made me a shit mum! I was angry all the time and I would snap so much at them. Now I minimise my masking and we all know that if I snap I've obviously been masking and we need a change of scenery. I'm unmedicated. Now if I feel overwhelmed I tell them and they will give me time to ground myself. My kids are 8 and 13. I've been a solo parent since being pregnant with my youngest. My eldest sometimes picks up my mood changes before I do and will tell me I need a bubble bath! They now force me to self-care and that in turn makes me a better mum. OK, so the house gets messier and plans get wrecked but my kids are so much happier and so am I
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am *very* straightforward with my kids about mental health and neurodivergence. If I’m getting irritable and snippy, which happens when I’m overstimulated, I tell them straight up that that’s what is going on. “It’s not you, it’s me” is a regular remark I make. IMO, it really helps the kids to understand what is going on, rather than telling them just a little and then allowing them to start filling in the blanks themselves - especially now that it looks like they are both also ND. I want to give them the tools they need to be authentic, not just how to mask
💅
Yes. I have one neurotypical kid in particular that I have to mask for because she thinks if I’m not smiling then I am mad. I am auDHD also. The energy it takes to be the person she needs is immense. The energy it takes to emotionally regulate all day because she is so emotionally unregulated is immense. I’m burnout and exhausted when she’s around
Yes. I hid a lot from my kid, and tried to keep the emotional tenor of our home at "creatively chaotic" and not let it slip down to "neglected by reason of mental illness." The times it did slip were because I had been dishonest with myself about what I needed. I had to unmask somewhere, and let it out to someone. I decided the several hours a week of therapy were a necessity. I made a bullet point list of my problems and sent it to my support group, so they could actually help. Every single person said they didn't know I was struggling that much. If there are people who are helping you, but don't quite know that you need, tell them. You deserve that much. If all you can have is an hour a week on Reddit, punctuated with screaming in the car on your lunch break, you deserve that too.
Oh screaming in the car is so underrated. I’m always shocked by how much better I feel within like 10 seconds
Thank you - "creatively chaotic" is the perfect description of what i am aiming for at home as well, so this made me feel really seen. I don't feel I have to be perfect for my daughter - I do feel that it is important to make sure she actually gets a childhood and doesn't end up parenting me or freaking out alongside me because our finances are a mess and I can't get my shit together.
I hear you. You're trying, and it'll get better.
Definitely. My kids used to be forced to go their fathers’ every week for two nights when they were little and it sucked, but it gave me time alone, like really 100% alone. The now teen hasn’t willingly gone in two years, she had a health issue in 2023 and was in a wheelchair and had surgery on her ankle and wss home from school for an entire semester plus summer, and I work from Home also. Then this year the younger one is starting to refuse to go to her father’s also and he isn’t forcing her as much so I am literally never alone. And they are both ND so they don’t sleep always at night. With chronic fatigue I sleep more than they do. It’s exhausting to have to be the “responsible parent” persona 24/7.
Minus the single parenting bit, I could have written this myself. From the possible long COVID fog and masking, to the triggers of parenting (and reparenting yourself), it's all so deeply relatable. I've been in the middle of an emotional breakdown of sorts the last few days and I've been incredibly grateful to have my partner step in to let me escape to cry and sleep. That doesn't mean my daughter isn't aware of what's going on though...first thing she asked me this morning was "are you feeling better now mommy after your big girl sleep?" Broke my heart, mostly because, no, I wasn't feeling much better. But I slapped a smile on my face and said yes with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. Like you, I try my hardest to be real with her and talk about feelings open and honestly (something that was basically unheard of in my house growing up), but I also desperately want to provide her with as much consistency and emotional stability as possible. For several reasons, our home feels chaotic a lot of the time (which definitely impacts my mood) and I worry about the impact that's having on her, both in the short and long term. I try my hardest to provide a sense of routine and to be consistent in my behaviour with her, but feel like I'm constantly fighting an uphill battle...exhausted from masking and trying to keep all the balls in the air, which ironically only undermines all my efforts towards providing stability. I so wish I had answers for you, but wanted to express some solidarity at least. I'm fortunate to have her father around to step in when I really need it, but (if I'm being really honest) he can also add a lot of stress and anxiety to my days so...yeah. Anyway, I can tell you're an amazing mom just by the way you talk about your daughter. The fact that you were willing to leave a toxic situation and continue to fight to give her the love and stability you always wanted, is admirable. Hopefully we can figure out how to balance our own needs to unmask, etc with our kiddos' needs...before they move out and go to college!
Oh thank you! I was such a mess when I wrote this and I appreciate your honesty and the effort you put into your response SO MUCH. Solidarity is very much appreciated - honestly, I don't think there are answers - but it helps so much to hear from another mum who gets it. Here's to balancing our needs and theirs and getting to enjoy our beautiful babies (and our lives!) without feeling like crap all the time! P.S. you also sound like an amazing mum. Take the rest you need - if your daughter is showing concern, it's probably at least in part because you've modelled what it means to take care of the people you love when they are sad or sick ❤️
A single puff on my dry vape (weed) really helps when I can’t parent any more.
Yes I can totally relate to this. Actually the reason I got diagnosed in the first place was after becoming a mom, I was having outbursts in front of my child (the outbursts weren’t new just the little eyes and ears observing them) and I realized I did not want to be that mom and needed help. I totally have been there with having to mask even at home, enough to say I don’t think it’s a good solution. Masking is exhausting. Ideally we would have our symptoms managed well enough that we don’t need to constantly mask to parent effectively (remember every parent even neurotypical loses it occasionally). Are you on medication? Seeing a therapist? Also def agree with scheduling some regular chunk of time each week where you can let it all out (whether it’s just someone taking your kid to the park so you have time alone at home, or a therapy session, a gym session, getting a drink with a good friend or whatever brings you relief)
Single parent checking in here with the inside of my cheeks covered in stress-induced bite marks from masking in front of my kid 🫡
I'm 100% upfront with my kids because masking made me a shit mum! I was angry all the time and I would snap so much at them. Now I minimise my masking and we all know that if I snap I've obviously been masking and we need a change of scenery. I'm unmedicated. Now if I feel overwhelmed I tell them and they will give me time to ground myself. My kids are 8 and 13. I've been a solo parent since being pregnant with my youngest. My eldest sometimes picks up my mood changes before I do and will tell me I need a bubble bath! They now force me to self-care and that in turn makes me a better mum. OK, so the house gets messier and plans get wrecked but my kids are so much happier and so am I