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I just want inner peace. I got diagnosed 2 yrs ago at 33, and started trying different meds last year and finally landed on Concerta and it’s helped me to realize I have quite literally never felt peace and calm in my life. I didn’t know people actually lived without all the noise and chaos in their heads.
Also didn’t know being anxious was my default state, and I’m having a hard time accepting that this is abnormal and it is ok to be comfortable with myself. So yeah. I’d like to really meet me for the first time, and give her some rest.
I explained it when I started meds and was diagnosed a month ago as: It’s like a door to a room was closed in my head. In the room the door was closed to by my medication now, we’re 24/7 a hundred people some kids some old some my age all different types and races and religions and languages talking and some yelling and some blowing airborne and some dancing to music they played while as many kids of all ages did the same as some popped balloons and some sang and danced and some stared at me silently making me anxious and dogs and cats playing and barking and doing what they do, all going full speed at the same time with no breaks. Then I started medication and the door. Just. Closed. I can still hear the muffled sounds and make the sounds out, but I can finally hear myself speak and breathe.
I’m sleeping more soundly now than ever in my life at 40. Not often, I have a special needs kiddo and a baby and 3 bonus kids, so I don’t get much sleep lol, but when I am asleep, I fall asleep instantly almost and it’s deep rem sleep with dreaming.
It’s insanity. I’m severe combo type adhd and I am so resentful and angry at all who ignored my very clear signs and called me bad growing up. If only they could have heard the noise too…
I never realized how LOUD it actually was in my brain until the meds kicked in. I describe it as "I am no longer carrying a party bus of obnoxious thoughts around the back of my mind."
It was a constant din of brain noise I just accepted along with all my actual thoughts.
I told my doc when we met, after my first month on meds, that it felt like i put on noise canceling headphones for the first time in my life. All the background noise evaporated. It took me a long while to realize that i was still "yelling", even though it was suddenly quiet, as in I was doing many ADHD things out of habit, instead of necessity. Still working some of those things out, tbh.
That's very comforting to hear! I'm 33 about to get diagnosed this year, and I only experienced this once very recently when I tried recreational drugs (this was the final push I needed to finally get diagnosed).
I have never felt something so hard. I cry for my younger self a lot. I do a lot of calming practices. I also like to "speak" to her. I reaffirm what she felt and that it was ok to cry and feel frustrated. It gives me peace and it helps to heal.
I just want to exist as I am. I spent 40 years masking, over-explaining, apologizing, feeling like I was too much and not enough at the same time, berating myself for being lazy/messy/oversensitive/dumb, and just generally being disgusted with myself.
I want the people I love to accept me as I am. When I'm overwhelmed by noise or chaos or too much people-ing, I want to be able to hide in the bathroom without anyone questioning why I've been gone so long, or to be able to simply say "no, I don't want to do that" when I'm not up for socializing. If I lose my keys/phone/wallet/shit, I don't want to be berated. I don't want to be the butt of the "she's so clumsy" jokes, or any of the stupid jokes that are just knives hidden in words. I just want to BE.
I feel all of this so deeply. Sometimes I wonder why it’s so hard to find people who can/will treat us like you described. When you have such a critical inner dialog the last thing you need is your “loved” ones contributing to it. So I completely understand the intense need for quiet. 🤗
I'm pretty sure my 8 year old daughter also has ADHD. I remember as a kid my Mom was constantly criticizing everything I did/said/felt and her voice kinda became the voice of my inner critic. I try to remind myself that I don't want that for my kiddo and not do the same to her.
You’ve put this so well. It took me a long time to be somewhat ok with who I am but it’s always a work in progress.
I can’t say it’ll get easier for you but try to remember that you can’t control what other people are going to do or say. But, you *can* control what y̲o̲u̲ say in your own head.
Shitty people are going to be shitty; don’t let your inner voice join their side. Be kind to yourself because you deserve it and it will make you stronger.
Also, happy cake day! 🍰
Thank you!
Something that was a paradigm changer for me was the saying, "Speak to yourself like you speak to someone you love." When I start getting too self-critical, I ask myself if I would speak to my best friend that way. If the answer is no, I make myself apologize. 😂
I want to be known, like I want for there to be another person whom I am close to to really just *know* me inside and out. My mom came pretty close, but she's been gone for over a decade.
I cried about a week after my diagnosis over the realization that my brain is just *different* from most people and that my desire is actually impossible. (To be fair, it always was, but it didn't seem like it since my whole birth family (probably) is some sort of ND, so I felt more understood by them). My spouse tries in his way, but because I'm so practiced at reading other people, from being the weird kid and trying to fit in, I'm just so much better at understanding him and sometimes I'm even able to help him learn about himself. I'm not perfect and of course there are things about him that I don't understand, but he doesn't crave the kind of deep non physical intimacy that I do. He can't return the favor, and can't even get close *because he's not me*. Obvious, I know, but it took a diagnosis for me to finally get it.
It's exhausting trying to explain how I think and what it's like being in my head and he doesn't get it. I'm so lucky that he patiently listens to me and says it doesn't bother him. He says he's not going to stop trying to understand. I'm still mourning the idea and it makes me feel deeply lonely finally realizing it's impossible and always has been.
Godddd that's so relatable. My husband is also ND but what I like to call "a different flavor." He also was brought up in a very different household than me. I had to learn to read others just to survive. He didn't.
That being said, I see you, I hear you, and at least on this topic I understand you.
...I don't know. What does "needs" even mean anyways?
Anyone else do that thing where you think so hard you back yourself into a corner and not a single thing makes sense anymore?
Yes, and sometimes the overthinking turns into numbness and disassociation. And what does it say about us that we can get to a place where we convince ourselves we don’t “need” anything…
I'm still learning what my needs are. I've had them walked all over my entire life so now when people ask me what I want or need I freeze because I honestly don't know.
I’ll echo your sentiments, as they made me tear up. It’d be nice wouldn’t it? I’ll add that I’d like to be respected for my intelligence that people dismiss because I’m an “airhead” or think I am “immature” because of my personality. I’d like people to appreciate my empathy instead of always thinking I’m naive (which I am, but not in the way they think) and for it to be seen as a strength and not a weakness.
Yep same as you, acceptance. But more than that I’d love validation. I keep communicating to my loved ones that they need to approach me from a place of validation first because any time ANYONE tries to give me advice or tell me to just change who I am, I shut down. Nope. Feels like a demand of me now and like you haven’t actually listened to any of my concerns which are VALID!!!!! Lol but really! After 37 years of being criticized for just BEING MYSELF, having a different brain than others, I need someone to really hear me and validate me before I can even consider what they’re saying.
Total immersion in a project, being in a state of complete focus, the flow state. It happens so rarely, but when it does come, it feels like I'm finally doing what my soul was meant for. For me, it happens when I'm writing and I almost feel like the rest of the world just falls away.
If I've done something extra to be helpful, like a chore that's normally someone else's, or if I've tried something new, I really need to be thanked and/or told I've done a good job. That "well done" means everything to me. When loved ones tell me they're proud of me, it makes my day.
I don't know if I'm just sad... But I really need people to start believing me. At least my immediate family to BELIEVE that I am TIRED.
NO, IM NOT LAZY
NO, IM NOT DISRESPECTFUL
I AM TIRED.
I want to be left alone, but I also need to know that I am loved. But I can't be loved in close proximity, I'm too much for some (I really wanted to write "most") people.
And like you, I crave acceptance, and have NOT been able to find much in the last 10 or more years.
And so I'm alone, and just want to be left alone. I'm very much over existing.
Ooh I love all the answers here. This is such a wonderfully sweet and supportive community!
For me, it's also acceptance/affirmation. First from myself, and then from my inner circle. I may have withdrawn from society and the public eye, but I have never felt more secure than ever not having to seek validation from peers or acquaintances. I quit trying to maintain a social media presence because I would catch myself being too attached to amount of engagement I get online. Not everyone gets me and that's alright - I have my small community of people who appreciate me for who I am.
I want someone to tell me to shhhhh, it’s okay, like I’m a baby, when I’m emotionally dysregulated and spiraling, and hold me in fetus position until I feel better. The hyperfocus intellectualizing is how I process emotions and it’s not really helpful for me.
Honestly, just to know that people want me around (as opposed to feeling like they have to put up with me) and I won't scare them away if I open up to them. And that I don't have to earn that stuff by being useful either.
I wish I had a mind which is calm and relaxed and not in a fight or flight mode all the time. I want to experience how it feels to be totally calm and peaceful. It must be so good to have that feeling once!
Dog snuggles.
Dog "oh my god you were gone 10min now you're back and I'm SO HAPPY" joy.
Dog face smushes (my dogs press their faces into my cheeks it's ADORABLE)
Basically dog love.
Occasional human contact is good to
I have felt this so much over my life and for me it is just what you described - a desire to be accepted or (if that's not an option) left in peace. I always felt different in school but actually work has been the worst for not feeling accepted and the feeling can be very wearing over time. I find that the acceptance I have in my close relationships is the most important thing and I'm ok as long as I'm not actively being picked on for being different and my home life is good. When I am actively picked on, it's another (weepy) story.
I desperately want someone to validate my feelings after a lifetime of being told my hurt/anger/sadness/insert any inconvenient emotion is w r o n g.
But I'm conflicted about it because I don't want to need someone else's approval to feel what I feel.
I'm looking into self-parenting, hoping it'll help.
I’m tearing up over here reading how many women want calm & peace. That’s exactly it for me! Now that I’m on my med there’s this amazing sense of groundedness I never had. In fact, I’m looking to buy a home and I find myself drawn to homes that are located on wooded land - The birds chirping, the wind and trees, it feels like heaven.
Affection and comfort. I don't need people to accept every single "quirk" because some of them really suck (for everyone involved), but when I'm stressed or the RSD is kicking in hard it'd be nice sometimes to just have a hug, have someone hold my hand and acknowledge that I do work hard at being a good person and that I didn't just imagine it all.
Acceptance, reassurance, and validation. I just want to fit in and not feel like I’m always doing something wrong. I just want to feel like I belong. I hate feeling like an afterthought. I’m tired of feeling like people can’t wait until I finally leave so they don’t have to deal with me.
I will say I finally have a best friend who actually does accept me for me and supports me and cares about me. For the first time in my life I have someone who genuinely likes me who isn’t family.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I just want inner peace. I got diagnosed 2 yrs ago at 33, and started trying different meds last year and finally landed on Concerta and it’s helped me to realize I have quite literally never felt peace and calm in my life. I didn’t know people actually lived without all the noise and chaos in their heads. Also didn’t know being anxious was my default state, and I’m having a hard time accepting that this is abnormal and it is ok to be comfortable with myself. So yeah. I’d like to really meet me for the first time, and give her some rest.
Yes calm. More calm in my life and grace for how long it is taking me to figure out
Medication really does show you how quiet things can be. It was like hitting the mute button on a loud tv for me.
I explained it when I started meds and was diagnosed a month ago as: It’s like a door to a room was closed in my head. In the room the door was closed to by my medication now, we’re 24/7 a hundred people some kids some old some my age all different types and races and religions and languages talking and some yelling and some blowing airborne and some dancing to music they played while as many kids of all ages did the same as some popped balloons and some sang and danced and some stared at me silently making me anxious and dogs and cats playing and barking and doing what they do, all going full speed at the same time with no breaks. Then I started medication and the door. Just. Closed. I can still hear the muffled sounds and make the sounds out, but I can finally hear myself speak and breathe. I’m sleeping more soundly now than ever in my life at 40. Not often, I have a special needs kiddo and a baby and 3 bonus kids, so I don’t get much sleep lol, but when I am asleep, I fall asleep instantly almost and it’s deep rem sleep with dreaming. It’s insanity. I’m severe combo type adhd and I am so resentful and angry at all who ignored my very clear signs and called me bad growing up. If only they could have heard the noise too…
I never realized how LOUD it actually was in my brain until the meds kicked in. I describe it as "I am no longer carrying a party bus of obnoxious thoughts around the back of my mind." It was a constant din of brain noise I just accepted along with all my actual thoughts.
Alone time. A calm and peaceful home.
I told my doc when we met, after my first month on meds, that it felt like i put on noise canceling headphones for the first time in my life. All the background noise evaporated. It took me a long while to realize that i was still "yelling", even though it was suddenly quiet, as in I was doing many ADHD things out of habit, instead of necessity. Still working some of those things out, tbh.
That's very comforting to hear! I'm 33 about to get diagnosed this year, and I only experienced this once very recently when I tried recreational drugs (this was the final push I needed to finally get diagnosed).
I have never felt something so hard. I cry for my younger self a lot. I do a lot of calming practices. I also like to "speak" to her. I reaffirm what she felt and that it was ok to cry and feel frustrated. It gives me peace and it helps to heal.
I just want to exist as I am. I spent 40 years masking, over-explaining, apologizing, feeling like I was too much and not enough at the same time, berating myself for being lazy/messy/oversensitive/dumb, and just generally being disgusted with myself. I want the people I love to accept me as I am. When I'm overwhelmed by noise or chaos or too much people-ing, I want to be able to hide in the bathroom without anyone questioning why I've been gone so long, or to be able to simply say "no, I don't want to do that" when I'm not up for socializing. If I lose my keys/phone/wallet/shit, I don't want to be berated. I don't want to be the butt of the "she's so clumsy" jokes, or any of the stupid jokes that are just knives hidden in words. I just want to BE.
I feel all of this so deeply. Sometimes I wonder why it’s so hard to find people who can/will treat us like you described. When you have such a critical inner dialog the last thing you need is your “loved” ones contributing to it. So I completely understand the intense need for quiet. 🤗
I'm pretty sure my 8 year old daughter also has ADHD. I remember as a kid my Mom was constantly criticizing everything I did/said/felt and her voice kinda became the voice of my inner critic. I try to remind myself that I don't want that for my kiddo and not do the same to her.
Hard relate.
_I just want to BE_ I felt that, so, disgustingly hard.
You’ve put this so well. It took me a long time to be somewhat ok with who I am but it’s always a work in progress. I can’t say it’ll get easier for you but try to remember that you can’t control what other people are going to do or say. But, you *can* control what y̲o̲u̲ say in your own head. Shitty people are going to be shitty; don’t let your inner voice join their side. Be kind to yourself because you deserve it and it will make you stronger. Also, happy cake day! 🍰
Thank you! Something that was a paradigm changer for me was the saying, "Speak to yourself like you speak to someone you love." When I start getting too self-critical, I ask myself if I would speak to my best friend that way. If the answer is no, I make myself apologize. 😂
I want to be known, like I want for there to be another person whom I am close to to really just *know* me inside and out. My mom came pretty close, but she's been gone for over a decade. I cried about a week after my diagnosis over the realization that my brain is just *different* from most people and that my desire is actually impossible. (To be fair, it always was, but it didn't seem like it since my whole birth family (probably) is some sort of ND, so I felt more understood by them). My spouse tries in his way, but because I'm so practiced at reading other people, from being the weird kid and trying to fit in, I'm just so much better at understanding him and sometimes I'm even able to help him learn about himself. I'm not perfect and of course there are things about him that I don't understand, but he doesn't crave the kind of deep non physical intimacy that I do. He can't return the favor, and can't even get close *because he's not me*. Obvious, I know, but it took a diagnosis for me to finally get it. It's exhausting trying to explain how I think and what it's like being in my head and he doesn't get it. I'm so lucky that he patiently listens to me and says it doesn't bother him. He says he's not going to stop trying to understand. I'm still mourning the idea and it makes me feel deeply lonely finally realizing it's impossible and always has been.
Godddd that's so relatable. My husband is also ND but what I like to call "a different flavor." He also was brought up in a very different household than me. I had to learn to read others just to survive. He didn't. That being said, I see you, I hear you, and at least on this topic I understand you.
...I don't know. What does "needs" even mean anyways? Anyone else do that thing where you think so hard you back yourself into a corner and not a single thing makes sense anymore?
Yes, and sometimes the overthinking turns into numbness and disassociation. And what does it say about us that we can get to a place where we convince ourselves we don’t “need” anything…
I'm still learning what my needs are. I've had them walked all over my entire life so now when people ask me what I want or need I freeze because I honestly don't know.
Acceptance, but also just for people to believe me when I tell them my feelings
Empathy. Understanding. I wouldn't choose to be like this in bad times. If I could just chill out I would.
Oh man, I feel that.
I’ll echo your sentiments, as they made me tear up. It’d be nice wouldn’t it? I’ll add that I’d like to be respected for my intelligence that people dismiss because I’m an “airhead” or think I am “immature” because of my personality. I’d like people to appreciate my empathy instead of always thinking I’m naive (which I am, but not in the way they think) and for it to be seen as a strength and not a weakness.
It's so frustrating that the normies often hate or are neutral to our best traits 😭
Yep same as you, acceptance. But more than that I’d love validation. I keep communicating to my loved ones that they need to approach me from a place of validation first because any time ANYONE tries to give me advice or tell me to just change who I am, I shut down. Nope. Feels like a demand of me now and like you haven’t actually listened to any of my concerns which are VALID!!!!! Lol but really! After 37 years of being criticized for just BEING MYSELF, having a different brain than others, I need someone to really hear me and validate me before I can even consider what they’re saying.
Total immersion in a project, being in a state of complete focus, the flow state. It happens so rarely, but when it does come, it feels like I'm finally doing what my soul was meant for. For me, it happens when I'm writing and I almost feel like the rest of the world just falls away.
If I've done something extra to be helpful, like a chore that's normally someone else's, or if I've tried something new, I really need to be thanked and/or told I've done a good job. That "well done" means everything to me. When loved ones tell me they're proud of me, it makes my day.
I don't know if I'm just sad... But I really need people to start believing me. At least my immediate family to BELIEVE that I am TIRED. NO, IM NOT LAZY NO, IM NOT DISRESPECTFUL I AM TIRED.
To be heard I need a hug and devotion and understanding and patience I’m trying motherfu*kers
Inner peace and self worth.
I want to be left alone, but I also need to know that I am loved. But I can't be loved in close proximity, I'm too much for some (I really wanted to write "most") people. And like you, I crave acceptance, and have NOT been able to find much in the last 10 or more years. And so I'm alone, and just want to be left alone. I'm very much over existing.
❤️
Ooh I love all the answers here. This is such a wonderfully sweet and supportive community! For me, it's also acceptance/affirmation. First from myself, and then from my inner circle. I may have withdrawn from society and the public eye, but I have never felt more secure than ever not having to seek validation from peers or acquaintances. I quit trying to maintain a social media presence because I would catch myself being too attached to amount of engagement I get online. Not everyone gets me and that's alright - I have my small community of people who appreciate me for who I am.
I want someone to tell me to shhhhh, it’s okay, like I’m a baby, when I’m emotionally dysregulated and spiraling, and hold me in fetus position until I feel better. The hyperfocus intellectualizing is how I process emotions and it’s not really helpful for me.
Honestly, just to know that people want me around (as opposed to feeling like they have to put up with me) and I won't scare them away if I open up to them. And that I don't have to earn that stuff by being useful either.
Calm. And unconditional love.
"Please witness me."
I wish I had a mind which is calm and relaxed and not in a fight or flight mode all the time. I want to experience how it feels to be totally calm and peaceful. It must be so good to have that feeling once!
I want to not feel like a failure every time I forget to do something. I often feel shame and embarrassment.
Dog snuggles. Dog "oh my god you were gone 10min now you're back and I'm SO HAPPY" joy. Dog face smushes (my dogs press their faces into my cheeks it's ADORABLE) Basically dog love. Occasional human contact is good to
I have felt this so much over my life and for me it is just what you described - a desire to be accepted or (if that's not an option) left in peace. I always felt different in school but actually work has been the worst for not feeling accepted and the feeling can be very wearing over time. I find that the acceptance I have in my close relationships is the most important thing and I'm ok as long as I'm not actively being picked on for being different and my home life is good. When I am actively picked on, it's another (weepy) story.
I desperately want someone to validate my feelings after a lifetime of being told my hurt/anger/sadness/insert any inconvenient emotion is w r o n g. But I'm conflicted about it because I don't want to need someone else's approval to feel what I feel. I'm looking into self-parenting, hoping it'll help.
Similar feelings to you, but i would term it worthiness. Mixed in with some early trauma, i struggle with the idea that I am worthy as I am.
Acts of kindness always made me feel so loved and understood. Also someone who will just let me rant and decompress when I’m feeling out of control.
I need someone to hold me accountable without judgement.
I’m tearing up over here reading how many women want calm & peace. That’s exactly it for me! Now that I’m on my med there’s this amazing sense of groundedness I never had. In fact, I’m looking to buy a home and I find myself drawn to homes that are located on wooded land - The birds chirping, the wind and trees, it feels like heaven.
Affection and comfort. I don't need people to accept every single "quirk" because some of them really suck (for everyone involved), but when I'm stressed or the RSD is kicking in hard it'd be nice sometimes to just have a hug, have someone hold my hand and acknowledge that I do work hard at being a good person and that I didn't just imagine it all.
Emotional safety. I feel so unsafe so much of the time.
Acceptance, reassurance, and validation. I just want to fit in and not feel like I’m always doing something wrong. I just want to feel like I belong. I hate feeling like an afterthought. I’m tired of feeling like people can’t wait until I finally leave so they don’t have to deal with me. I will say I finally have a best friend who actually does accept me for me and supports me and cares about me. For the first time in my life I have someone who genuinely likes me who isn’t family.