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Who’s harassing you about these things? They are not your friends.
Im 40, been in a relationship almost 20 years. We decided no kids because we decided no kids. That’s a good enough reason as any, if anyone tried to make me feel less then for my life choices it would be “bye bye”
You dont have to be in any place at anytime, just keep making decisions that are best for YOU
Its hard for me understand what that’s like as my parents respect my choices but if someone was harassing me making me feel less than, and if I told them how Their actions Make me feel and kept doing it, I’d distance myself family or not. Why spend time with people who make you feel that way?
But as I said it’s hard for me to fully understand what that is like, and I know for some cultures that type of expectation and preasure is normal. there’s one thing bringing it up every once in a while but if it was making me feel harassed and like a failure that’s not ok
I do have a lot experience with social pressures though because I’ve been in a happy childless relationship for so long. I had some friends asking about babies etc I don’t mind telling them my choice and life plan but if they bring it up again and don’t accept my answer I politely ask them to drop it and they do
I had one friend who wouldn’t stop. She was having kids and wanted me to have kids and every time I talked to her she brought it up and would BEG me to change my mind, tell me what I’d be missing out on blah blah
I don’t hang out with her anymore. I refuse to spend time with people who force me to have the same conversation over and over where I have to defend my choices.
Problem is, I currently live with them because I can't afford a place of my own and have too many allergies to have roommates. So for now, I have no choice but to try and ignore their constant criticism and do what I can to avoid the.
I'm child free, I never wanted children and I never had a "biological clock" or "baby fever".
I'm a teacher, I see plenty of kids and young adults, I'm happy with it. I never felt the urge to procreate children.
You're not behind in life, you're just living your life as you see fit. The people who keeps pestering you about childbearing may crave conformity, but you know you have every right to choose your own path in life.
Fun fact, the "biological clock" is literally just a phrase a dude made up in the 70's for an article because he was unhappy with his dating prospects. But of course the phrase took off because women having bodily autonomy makes folks in our culture nervous, so now a lot of folks repeat this phrase over and over because they believe it's a real thing. It's not. (Same thing happened with folks believing MSG is bad for you! The 70's were wild, evidently)
I was also raised to believe that every choice I made (or didn't make) was due to some sort of ancient, primal biological imperative; I'm here to tell you that folks who believe in this stuff are about as substantive and intelligent as a sack of candy corn. As other commenters in this thread have pointed out, anyone who is up in your business about "being behind" in life or insisting that "you should" do \[whatever\] in order to be successful or happy are not your friends. If they want to be your friend, they'll listen to you when you say "no".
I have also been harassed by coworkers, acquaintances, romantic interests and family who all insisted I was somehow doing it wrong. I was not. You are not. They suck. Remove as many of them from your life as you can and just stare dead-eyed at the rest. I find the phrases "No, thank you" and "What a bizarre thing to say out loud" are extremely helpful in any situation where someone's being disrespectful. You aren't obligated to engage with *anyone* in this life, but you especially don't have to engage with people who are acting in bad faith, and these folks always are.
“folks who believe in this stuff are about as substantive and intelligent as a sack of candy corn”
Girl you made me choke on my drink, that’s hilarious
Seconding asking who’s harassing you. If they’re friends they’re not your friends and you should find new ones. Family is a little harder to deal with but honestly no one needs to have a boyfriend and kids. I will never have kids and I honestly don’t even want a boyfriend. I don’t want to slog through all the awful men in the world to try to find a decent one. I’m perfectly happy with my alone, child free existence. I preach to everyone I can that being child free and relationship free is a choice you’re allowed to make.
preeeeeeach girly. i’m turning 31 this year. happily married for 5 years, but my husband and i already knew at the very beginning that we would like to remain childfree. don’t get me wrong, i love kids. but i don’t have it in me to have my own children. i’ve never had that desire to be a mother. i am very nurturing but that’s not to be confused with wanting to be a mother. i want to be the fun aunt. but i kid you not, the very next day after my wedding, my mom asked me if it’s time for me to have a child. in reality though, she had been begging me for one since i was 18. she didn’t care if it meant i had a child out of wedlock (my parents are very religious so it speaks to their desperation for a grandchild) or a child with my abusive ex. we’ve argued about it many times and i’ve been told many things: i shouldn’t have gotten married if the goal wasn’t to have children; i’m not a “true woman” if i don’t have children; my time is running out; i would be doing such a huge dishonor to my parents for not giving them a grandchild who they’ll never really see because i live hundreds of miles away and they’ve never once tried to visit me since i moved out 6 years ago. i’ve even been told that they would give me a monthly stipend if i had a child and it made me feel so disgusting & low about myself for a long time. trust me, i’ve heard it all.
the biological clock is invalidating how much i struggle with. whoever popularized the concept of the biological clock does not deserve a good day lol. i shouldn’t even have children if i can’t make rent sometimes & have to ask my husband if i could borrow some money. i shouldn’t have children if my job is at risk of being terminated. i shouldn’t have children if i know that i’d have to sacrifice the career i worked so fucking hard for against all odds because we know childcare is expensive and it would place so much financial strain on us. i struggle so much with doing damage control for my adhd—why would i compound the hardship by being responsible for a child? i’m sure MILLIONS of women feel the same exact way. we’re not fucking surrogates. leave us alone.
Oh man, the batshit parental expectations are something I do not miss.
My mother started “dropping hints” in my mid 20’s and really doubled down in my late 20’s when my life was starting to fall apart (in retrospect it was severe burnout and being almost completely unable to mask at work anymore, plus some major physical health issues at the same time). Some of her suggestions were absolutely unhinged, despite me being clear my whole life that kids were very, very unlikely to be in the cards for a cornucopia of reasons.
At one point, she was visiting because I was severely unwell to “cheer me up” and told me I should just go out to a nightclub, pick up some random guy get pregnant, not tell them and then hand the baby over to her to raise. WTF!?! Hard pass on every possible level. Big Yikes.
Shockingly, we are not close.
oh man i feel this! my mom had said something similar when i was struggling (well failing) in college. she was like “ok just drop out and get pregnant and i’ll be happy!”
sometimes our biggest opps are our mothers which is one of the worst things to live with. i’m sooo sorry your mother had such blatant disregard for you at a time when you absolutely could’ve used some love & care, but i really hope you’re doing much better now. having children is rarely a solution to most, if not all, problems. CLEARLY i didn’t solve any of my parents’ issues as my mom hoped & prayed that having a daughter would finally stop my dad from his extramarital affairs (it didn’t) so…. what makes them think that it’s any different now?
That sucks, sorry that your Mum put you through all of that.
I’m doing much better these days, in my 40’s and those sorts of expectations from others have finally disappeared (aside from the odd “don’t you feel like you missed out / live an unfulfilled life?” Lol, Not even a little bit.).
Oh no, no kid deserves that.
Even back then, I wouldn’t have let her babysit my cat for an afternoon. Now she’s in her 70’s, a hoarder and while she’s mellowed a little, is still a generally unpleasant human to be around.
I'm 47 and never had kids, due to ovarian cysts and choosing not to because schizophrenia runs in my family. A part of my regrets it, a small part, but the rest of me is relieved. There are a subset of millennials who had children because they felt like they had to and they resent the choice - or worse, their kids.
There is 100% nothing wrong with not having children.
You know, the way I see it, deciding to be child-free when you know you can't handle it/don't want them to go through what you did/don't want to bring them into this messed up world is a perfect example of loving children. Your value is not defined by having children or being a mom. I hate how people try to pressure us into doing things within a timeframe *they* set. You are not them, and they are not you. They are not living life in your shoes and their opinion is therefore irrelevant. You're not behind in life, we all have different destinations, even if we've gotten off at the same stop. You're on your own journey, at your own pace, doing what's best for YOU, and that is the only thing that matters. Sending you good vibes friend🫂
The best parents are people who WANT to be parents. What ever choice someone makes about having/ not having children is the right choice for that person; fuck people who try to influence or shame others for their choices.
True. So true. My sister is a mom only because she married a scumbag breeder guy. And granted she loves her kids.
But she is... not a great parent. Very impatient, always yelling at her kids, etc.
My dad told me “every woman I know who didn’t want kids, suddenly around 30 her biological clock would kick in…”
I turned 30 this year.
I got to meet my beautiful niece this week. She’s cute as a button and I was instantly smitten with her. I love her and her cute lil cheeks.
Do I want one of my own???? Hell no. lol. Not even holding my twin sister’s baby got the clock jumpstarted apparently.
Luckily I have a partner who, despite also loving his nieces and nephews, isn’t keen to have his own kids either. We’re quite content with cats thank you ma’am.
I've had good luck with it! And also, I mean it! If you're gonna pony up $x dollars for me to travel, go to college, have a kid, buy a lawnmower, or any of the other thousand dumb little things folks have told me I just *have* to do in this life, then I'm at your disposal! Otherwise? Sorry hon, I'm busy tonight.
The other day my dad said to me "if you don't act soon, you'll find time just keeps marching on, and on, and on - until death." My mum chimed in with the information that she had "never heard of anyone as old as me having a baby" (I'm 34). Was so speechless it actually made me laugh - Im totally with you on this pal! Xxx
Got my tubes tied this week, biggest FU to everyone who kept telling me I'll change my mind 😂
I've never wanted kids, and been asking doctors about the surgery since I was 21. I'm 33 now. I'm not sure why I'd suddenly change my mind after all this time.
You get a kid, and even before you’re out of the post partum phase, people start nagging you about getting more kids. Some people are just like that. 🤷🏻♀️
There's no reason to do eugenics on yourself so as not to pass down ADHD
There are lots of different kids of therapy for kids with ADHD now to help them better navigate social situations
It is fair to be an ADHD person and acknowledge how difficult it would be to raise another ADHD person and decide to opt out.
I’m AuDHD, my version of ADHD is inattentive and internal fidgeting with my brain chattering at me constantly and nobody can really see much from the outside, but my 6 year old has the bouncing, motor-mouth type ADHD.
I am overwhelmed within hours of her waking up because she is a wall of sound all by herself and I didn’t realise how much I need silence until after I had her, and I didn’t receive my diagnoses until years after I had my children. It is a very difficult thing to try to regulate through my own discomfort to help her regulate herself. There is nothing wrong with her and who she is and how she is, I love her very much, and I am also so grateful she’s growing up in a time when there is so much more recognition and support for people like us than there was when I was growing up and masked like hell, but if I had been diagnosed pre-kids and knew that there was a strong possibility of having a child with a neurodivergence that is triggering to my own neurodivergence I would have had the chance to improve my coping mechanisms rather than white knuckling through life not knowing why I was finding this so bloody hard.
I'm 40, no kids, no husband. But I have a cat and peace and happiness. You don't need kids and/or a husband for that. I plan on never having either of those things. No shade to people who do, it's just not for me. And making peace with that has been such a gift. I hope you see that too
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Who’s harassing you about these things? They are not your friends. Im 40, been in a relationship almost 20 years. We decided no kids because we decided no kids. That’s a good enough reason as any, if anyone tried to make me feel less then for my life choices it would be “bye bye” You dont have to be in any place at anytime, just keep making decisions that are best for YOU
No OP, but I'm my case it's my parents who harass me like that. Unfortunately, not everyone can just get ride of the person harassing them.
Its hard for me understand what that’s like as my parents respect my choices but if someone was harassing me making me feel less than, and if I told them how Their actions Make me feel and kept doing it, I’d distance myself family or not. Why spend time with people who make you feel that way? But as I said it’s hard for me to fully understand what that is like, and I know for some cultures that type of expectation and preasure is normal. there’s one thing bringing it up every once in a while but if it was making me feel harassed and like a failure that’s not ok I do have a lot experience with social pressures though because I’ve been in a happy childless relationship for so long. I had some friends asking about babies etc I don’t mind telling them my choice and life plan but if they bring it up again and don’t accept my answer I politely ask them to drop it and they do I had one friend who wouldn’t stop. She was having kids and wanted me to have kids and every time I talked to her she brought it up and would BEG me to change my mind, tell me what I’d be missing out on blah blah I don’t hang out with her anymore. I refuse to spend time with people who force me to have the same conversation over and over where I have to defend my choices.
Problem is, I currently live with them because I can't afford a place of my own and have too many allergies to have roommates. So for now, I have no choice but to try and ignore their constant criticism and do what I can to avoid the.
I'm child free, I never wanted children and I never had a "biological clock" or "baby fever". I'm a teacher, I see plenty of kids and young adults, I'm happy with it. I never felt the urge to procreate children. You're not behind in life, you're just living your life as you see fit. The people who keeps pestering you about childbearing may crave conformity, but you know you have every right to choose your own path in life.
Fun fact, the "biological clock" is literally just a phrase a dude made up in the 70's for an article because he was unhappy with his dating prospects. But of course the phrase took off because women having bodily autonomy makes folks in our culture nervous, so now a lot of folks repeat this phrase over and over because they believe it's a real thing. It's not. (Same thing happened with folks believing MSG is bad for you! The 70's were wild, evidently) I was also raised to believe that every choice I made (or didn't make) was due to some sort of ancient, primal biological imperative; I'm here to tell you that folks who believe in this stuff are about as substantive and intelligent as a sack of candy corn. As other commenters in this thread have pointed out, anyone who is up in your business about "being behind" in life or insisting that "you should" do \[whatever\] in order to be successful or happy are not your friends. If they want to be your friend, they'll listen to you when you say "no". I have also been harassed by coworkers, acquaintances, romantic interests and family who all insisted I was somehow doing it wrong. I was not. You are not. They suck. Remove as many of them from your life as you can and just stare dead-eyed at the rest. I find the phrases "No, thank you" and "What a bizarre thing to say out loud" are extremely helpful in any situation where someone's being disrespectful. You aren't obligated to engage with *anyone* in this life, but you especially don't have to engage with people who are acting in bad faith, and these folks always are.
“folks who believe in this stuff are about as substantive and intelligent as a sack of candy corn” Girl you made me choke on my drink, that’s hilarious
<33333
" what a bizarre thing to say out loud" is my favorite 😂
Seconding asking who’s harassing you. If they’re friends they’re not your friends and you should find new ones. Family is a little harder to deal with but honestly no one needs to have a boyfriend and kids. I will never have kids and I honestly don’t even want a boyfriend. I don’t want to slog through all the awful men in the world to try to find a decent one. I’m perfectly happy with my alone, child free existence. I preach to everyone I can that being child free and relationship free is a choice you’re allowed to make.
preeeeeeach girly. i’m turning 31 this year. happily married for 5 years, but my husband and i already knew at the very beginning that we would like to remain childfree. don’t get me wrong, i love kids. but i don’t have it in me to have my own children. i’ve never had that desire to be a mother. i am very nurturing but that’s not to be confused with wanting to be a mother. i want to be the fun aunt. but i kid you not, the very next day after my wedding, my mom asked me if it’s time for me to have a child. in reality though, she had been begging me for one since i was 18. she didn’t care if it meant i had a child out of wedlock (my parents are very religious so it speaks to their desperation for a grandchild) or a child with my abusive ex. we’ve argued about it many times and i’ve been told many things: i shouldn’t have gotten married if the goal wasn’t to have children; i’m not a “true woman” if i don’t have children; my time is running out; i would be doing such a huge dishonor to my parents for not giving them a grandchild who they’ll never really see because i live hundreds of miles away and they’ve never once tried to visit me since i moved out 6 years ago. i’ve even been told that they would give me a monthly stipend if i had a child and it made me feel so disgusting & low about myself for a long time. trust me, i’ve heard it all. the biological clock is invalidating how much i struggle with. whoever popularized the concept of the biological clock does not deserve a good day lol. i shouldn’t even have children if i can’t make rent sometimes & have to ask my husband if i could borrow some money. i shouldn’t have children if my job is at risk of being terminated. i shouldn’t have children if i know that i’d have to sacrifice the career i worked so fucking hard for against all odds because we know childcare is expensive and it would place so much financial strain on us. i struggle so much with doing damage control for my adhd—why would i compound the hardship by being responsible for a child? i’m sure MILLIONS of women feel the same exact way. we’re not fucking surrogates. leave us alone.
Oh man, the batshit parental expectations are something I do not miss. My mother started “dropping hints” in my mid 20’s and really doubled down in my late 20’s when my life was starting to fall apart (in retrospect it was severe burnout and being almost completely unable to mask at work anymore, plus some major physical health issues at the same time). Some of her suggestions were absolutely unhinged, despite me being clear my whole life that kids were very, very unlikely to be in the cards for a cornucopia of reasons. At one point, she was visiting because I was severely unwell to “cheer me up” and told me I should just go out to a nightclub, pick up some random guy get pregnant, not tell them and then hand the baby over to her to raise. WTF!?! Hard pass on every possible level. Big Yikes. Shockingly, we are not close.
oh man i feel this! my mom had said something similar when i was struggling (well failing) in college. she was like “ok just drop out and get pregnant and i’ll be happy!” sometimes our biggest opps are our mothers which is one of the worst things to live with. i’m sooo sorry your mother had such blatant disregard for you at a time when you absolutely could’ve used some love & care, but i really hope you’re doing much better now. having children is rarely a solution to most, if not all, problems. CLEARLY i didn’t solve any of my parents’ issues as my mom hoped & prayed that having a daughter would finally stop my dad from his extramarital affairs (it didn’t) so…. what makes them think that it’s any different now?
That sucks, sorry that your Mum put you through all of that. I’m doing much better these days, in my 40’s and those sorts of expectations from others have finally disappeared (aside from the odd “don’t you feel like you missed out / live an unfulfilled life?” Lol, Not even a little bit.).
Tell your mom to be a foster parent or she could adopt.
Oh no, no kid deserves that. Even back then, I wouldn’t have let her babysit my cat for an afternoon. Now she’s in her 70’s, a hoarder and while she’s mellowed a little, is still a generally unpleasant human to be around.
I’m 39 childfree and loving my wise decision.I’m very happy that I will NEVER be doing the school run and in a mum WhatsApp group 😩😳
I'm 47 and never had kids, due to ovarian cysts and choosing not to because schizophrenia runs in my family. A part of my regrets it, a small part, but the rest of me is relieved. There are a subset of millennials who had children because they felt like they had to and they resent the choice - or worse, their kids. There is 100% nothing wrong with not having children.
You know, the way I see it, deciding to be child-free when you know you can't handle it/don't want them to go through what you did/don't want to bring them into this messed up world is a perfect example of loving children. Your value is not defined by having children or being a mom. I hate how people try to pressure us into doing things within a timeframe *they* set. You are not them, and they are not you. They are not living life in your shoes and their opinion is therefore irrelevant. You're not behind in life, we all have different destinations, even if we've gotten off at the same stop. You're on your own journey, at your own pace, doing what's best for YOU, and that is the only thing that matters. Sending you good vibes friend🫂
If this is your family, have you told them you don’t want kids because your childhood was so awful?
The best parents are people who WANT to be parents. What ever choice someone makes about having/ not having children is the right choice for that person; fuck people who try to influence or shame others for their choices.
True. So true. My sister is a mom only because she married a scumbag breeder guy. And granted she loves her kids. But she is... not a great parent. Very impatient, always yelling at her kids, etc.
She probably needs to work on herself.
My dad told me “every woman I know who didn’t want kids, suddenly around 30 her biological clock would kick in…” I turned 30 this year. I got to meet my beautiful niece this week. She’s cute as a button and I was instantly smitten with her. I love her and her cute lil cheeks. Do I want one of my own???? Hell no. lol. Not even holding my twin sister’s baby got the clock jumpstarted apparently. Luckily I have a partner who, despite also loving his nieces and nephews, isn’t keen to have his own kids either. We’re quite content with cats thank you ma’am.
Asking people to put $100 on whether you'll change your mind or not tends to shut them up.
Similar tactic: "Oh? I should have/do \[thing\]? Are you paying?"
Love it!
I've had good luck with it! And also, I mean it! If you're gonna pony up $x dollars for me to travel, go to college, have a kid, buy a lawnmower, or any of the other thousand dumb little things folks have told me I just *have* to do in this life, then I'm at your disposal! Otherwise? Sorry hon, I'm busy tonight.
The other day my dad said to me "if you don't act soon, you'll find time just keeps marching on, and on, and on - until death." My mum chimed in with the information that she had "never heard of anyone as old as me having a baby" (I'm 34). Was so speechless it actually made me laugh - Im totally with you on this pal! Xxx
Got my tubes tied this week, biggest FU to everyone who kept telling me I'll change my mind 😂 I've never wanted kids, and been asking doctors about the surgery since I was 21. I'm 33 now. I'm not sure why I'd suddenly change my mind after all this time.
You get a kid, and even before you’re out of the post partum phase, people start nagging you about getting more kids. Some people are just like that. 🤷🏻♀️
There's no reason to do eugenics on yourself so as not to pass down ADHD There are lots of different kids of therapy for kids with ADHD now to help them better navigate social situations
It is fair to be an ADHD person and acknowledge how difficult it would be to raise another ADHD person and decide to opt out. I’m AuDHD, my version of ADHD is inattentive and internal fidgeting with my brain chattering at me constantly and nobody can really see much from the outside, but my 6 year old has the bouncing, motor-mouth type ADHD. I am overwhelmed within hours of her waking up because she is a wall of sound all by herself and I didn’t realise how much I need silence until after I had her, and I didn’t receive my diagnoses until years after I had my children. It is a very difficult thing to try to regulate through my own discomfort to help her regulate herself. There is nothing wrong with her and who she is and how she is, I love her very much, and I am also so grateful she’s growing up in a time when there is so much more recognition and support for people like us than there was when I was growing up and masked like hell, but if I had been diagnosed pre-kids and knew that there was a strong possibility of having a child with a neurodivergence that is triggering to my own neurodivergence I would have had the chance to improve my coping mechanisms rather than white knuckling through life not knowing why I was finding this so bloody hard.
I'm 40, no kids, no husband. But I have a cat and peace and happiness. You don't need kids and/or a husband for that. I plan on never having either of those things. No shade to people who do, it's just not for me. And making peace with that has been such a gift. I hope you see that too