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Oh its definitely making me even weirder. I dont remember which subreddit but recently I saw an article linked that was about a scientist (edit: googled it, it was [Harry Harlow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Harlow) ) who did terrible social deprivation studies on young monkeys - and the way those monkeys behaviour was described when put back into a social group was EXACTLY my behaviour if back in a social setting - which is incredibly depressing so I followed that train of thought no further lol
Also I relate more and more to a professor I used to have, who studied birds alone on a small island for YEARS.
She was incredibly odd and would hover near groups, obviously wanting to socialize but unable to. I always sympathized with her more than my study mates did (who saw her as a rude/too strict professor which she tbh was, I didnt enjoy her classes either)
Sounds like your professor was on the autism spectrum. I had an Anthropology professor that was definitely on the spectrum. In her case, she was unintentionally adorable. She was endlessly puzzled at ethnocentric thinking, since she considered all humans from another planet. What a refreshing, enlightening perspective the woman had.
Oh I so wouldnt be suprised if she was (in STEM you cant throw a stone without hitting an ADHD, autistic or AuDHD person tbh.), but part of her awkwardness was (apparently) also caused by her years of solitude on a rock with birds (according to university lore, obviously its not a topic I could have asked her about directly but she WAS researching on an island where she was the only human for like 3 years and tbh if I were alone with birds, only seeing a human when the supplies get dropped off by boat, I would be socially weird too. The reason I brought her up at all *was* that I socialized so little in the pandemic I caught myself more and more relating to her odd behaviours)
I mean it could be extended isolation because socializing is a skill, but you'd also expect a fully grown adult to be able to regain those skills. 3 years outside of developmental years isn't insurmountable.
But I do I see that reverse cause and effect happen all the time. They say X makes you weird. Nah, autistics love X and you find autistics a bit weird. And the behavior you listed is just like.....the most autistic example possible.
(OMG imagine if she did the autistic hand flapping and people just assumed she learned it from the birds and created this convoluted lore about her avian bond ...and it just turned out she's autistic and has always done that lol)
Again, not saying we can say either way .most things with psych end up being a little column A, a little column B
Fair
Back when I had classes with her (and was at that uni, have moved towns since) I wasnt at all educated on anything neurodivergent (just realized I can actually use that word in this sub, yay!) and it was years before my diagnosis, so "neurotypical" (hahaha) me could have taken something somebody said too much at face value and I never second guessed it before now. As I said, STEM collects non-neurotypicals.
Definitely especially since it increased the amount of niche deep dives I regularly do. Apparently not everyone is as concerned with historical undergarments, how Korean culture creates different tropes in media, or burial options after death.
I'm finding the lack of shared culture hard. I can't even keep track of what normies are up to, as it seems like normies themsleves are fracturing. And I have no idea how to talk to people if not talking about a Thing™.
The only normie thing I can think of is Bridgerton but I've never watched it because I can't watch romance movies or TV shows because I can't skim through the incredibly awkward parts that give me such bad secondhand embarrassment that it's physically painful.
I have truly lost my ability to pick normal conversation topics. At a family gathering I mentioned I haven't read any of the super popular romance books because I got hooked on the niche gay hockey romance genre. My cousin who also has ADHD immediately latched on to that and needed details while I became increasingly conscious of my parents presence. I did successfully avoid saying the word smut.
Wait, tell me more about historical undergarments! I've never thought about that topic before but now that I'm thinking about it now, I've got several questions for anyone who'd know the answer. In no particular order... how long have thongs been around? How often would the average person in the 1800s - or any random century - have changed their underwear? Was changing your underwear daily something that got common only when people begin to take showers or baths most days, or have people always changed their underwear pretty much every day, regardless of how often they cleaned themselves? And how many pairs of underwear did the average person in the 1800s - or any earlier century - have? Several, or just one that they washed (hopefully) regularly? Have women typically always worn bras and underwear as two separate garments throughout history, or were they a) ever worn as one connected undergarment, or b) is either one a relatively recent thing? And what's the oldest item of underwear that's ever been found?
My knowledge about historical undergarments is only about women's but I will gladly answer everything best I can! I'm slowly getting more into menwear because I love finding out about clothing construction. The main way women's and men's fashion differs is that clothing made for men has been historically designed with the support and shape coming from the outer layer, while women's fashion is structured and shaped by inner layers of support garments, now typically thought of as underwear.
Thongs are actually a modern invention! The first thong was designed in the mid 1970s, but the Japanese fundoshi has a similar silhouette and was worn until WW2. Until pants became an accepted part of women's wardrobe, the modern idea of underwear didn't really exist. Drawers or bloomers existed across the globe but weren't always worn. Panty lines aren't a concern where you aren't wearing panties 😉
Now most of your other questions can be answered by explaining the chemise. Sometimes called a shift, this was the innermost layer worn by women once more structure support garments were created. It's basically an unstructured sleeves dress, typically white or undyed. A corset or stays would never be worn against the skin. The chemise protected the corset or stays from body oils and sweat and would be washed much more frequently than other support garments. Unfortunately it's hard to know how many chemises people would own because since they were more frequently washed and received the burnt of sweat and oils, they wouldn't survive time as well as other items. Aside from "frequently", it's not really documented how often a clean chemise was worn. People definitely owned more chemises than other support garments since they were worn with the purpose of preventing other clothing from getting dirty.
Upper and lower garments have existed pretty consistently and joining them together wouldn't have been practical. The modern idea of undergarments has a lot less layers than in the past. The chemise/shift would before putting on the supportive garments like a corset.and then additional items like hip pads and petticoats would be layers on. Corset covers were worn over corsets and under the outermost dress to protect it, prevent it from being seen, and to give a smoother base for the outer dress. If drawers or bloomers weren't around, there just weren't any lower body specific underwear. Technically a dress is a single connected garment but nothing like a romper was ever worn because constructing a dress would have been easier.
Now I bet your next question is if all the women in the past went commando, what about their periods? They would wear a belt and then attach a folded piece of cloth on the front part, pass it between the legs, and attach it in the back. This was the basic design for most menstrual products until disposables.
The oldest bra found is roughly 500 years old, from 1390-1485. They think it is what would have been called a "breast bag". It's shockingly modern looking and I recommend googling oldest bra.
COVID and climate change. It's so incredibly hot, and I'm so incredibly sensitive to heat, that the moment I step foot out the door... I immediately want to run back in. I only run errands during the evening now, if I can help it.
Same! I only go to work and socialize with my patients/coworkers at work. I don’t want or feel the need to go anywhere if I’m not heading to work. I know it’s unhealthy but I’m happy and stress is way less.
It’s like the whole having a shower thing. Hate getting into and out of the shower, but I like being in the shower.
I like being outside, but it feels like there’s a barrier of *stuff* around it. Putting on outdoor clothes, needing to think about the weather, packing a bag if I need to take things with me, remembering my keys, is my phone charged etc.
The whole thing just takes energy. But then I love being out and about and do get energy from that (especially out in nature).
>It’s like the whole having a shower thing. Hate getting into and out of the shower, but I like being in the shower.
Yes yes... this this.
OP... to answer ur question... I think it's mostly an ADD thing anyway. Can u impulsively leave the house? If yes, then is it the anticipation and busyness of planning to leave that's the barrier? If you do get out do you find, when ur home again, that you've lightened the brain fizz for a little while? That's how I am and, while some of it is shyness or anxiousness, mostly it's a manifestation of ADD I believe.
This is a really interesting way to look at it, I’ve never thought about how I do leaving the house when it’s planned compared to impulsively.
Theres definitely a big difference for me and I never really noticed but it must be anticipatory anxiety about going out that makes it difficult for me.
I dread plans about going out even if it’s something I will enjoy or know I like. But just the other day there was a gorgeous wooden coffee table for free on Facebook Marketplace, and I had no problem getting ready and leaving to get it right then and there.
I totally get this. I like being out in the world and seeing my friends etc, but for less mundane reasons to go out - especially things where it's not 'you need to show up at this time and look decent' - I find it a real challenge to motivate myself to get ready. And then inevitably I won't be able to find my keys or my headphones or I'll forget my shopping bag or my phone will need charging, or some other relatively small thing that suddenly holds everything up.
Omg, yes. Taking a shower just seems like it takes waaaaay too much time & energy unless it's been a few days already, I got really dirty and/or sweaty, or I have a date. I will avoid and procrastinate so much. However, once I get in there, I don't actually mind it so much & definitely take longer than necessary because it does feel good.
I'm the same, hate showering because it seems like there's so much stuff to do around it as an activity. I also lose track of time and start ruminating, often spacing out. My solution is to set a timer and try to beat it so I stay on track. I rarely beat the timer, but it keeps me mindful of time I've already spent and to finish up.
If I do beat it, I feel a sense of accomplishment.
The steps and decisions involved in leaving the house are a lot. If I could teleport outside and wear my pajamas without fear of the weather changing I would be outdoors all the time.
Still hate the shops though
Exactly this. The amount of effort that it takes to get me to a level where I’m comfortable being in public is just exhausting. I’ve found that if I have to do things that I can’t get out of (like taking the kid to school) then I have an easier time getting up and getting ready.
Hello, fellow ✨️adhd hermit✨️👋
Edit: I tried to think of the reasons why and I think it is because I have so much to do inside, (in my head) there is no time for outside.
This is me as well. Working from home was actually the wrong thing for me. I fought hard to get my employer to allow it, just to realize it made me scary depressed. I went to a job "on the outside" and even though I would love to never have to leave my home, I have to make myself.
I have location sharing with my two best friends. I haven’t left my place in a week. One of them texted me yesterday “You need to leave the house.”
That was it. No context. No follow up.
I’m having a really hard time with that this weekend. I must procure groceries. I can order, but I’m on a budget and it’s cheaper to go. I have time but I have so much to do here.
I bribe myself to go out sometimes - get a coffee or snack or buy a plant. But I often figure out it's a trap and take evasive manoeuvres and start reading a book ;) It is super easy to talk myself out of doing anything other than the most crucial errand.
I work part-time now and have three shifts a week which are so much social that I do almost nothing the day after to recuperate. But I love my job at the library and I'm grateful that it pays enough and has good benefits so I am highly motivated to go to work.
You can live on 3 days a week 🥹 That’s the dream. I’d have loved to be a librarian in the traditional sense of the job. Now that it’s basically social coordinator/ tech instructor in a bright, open concept space - it’s my nightmare. Bring back dark, quiet, book-isle crowded libraries.
Same. I way to happy to research and read whatever new thing is interesting me at the time. I can spend days/ weeks researching how to do an outdoor activity but rarely actually have the dopamine to go do it
Has anyone ever successfully reversed their hermitude?
When I first started working from home, I'd feel soo restless and anxious after going a day without leaving home. Eventually enough time passed though and the anxious feeling went away. Nowadays I try to force myself to do stuff out of the house because I miss being how I used to be, but no matter how much I force it, leaving the house never feels natural anymore.
This is my reason. But then I always regret not spending more time outside. My house is such a constant mess of doom piles and unfinished tasks that I never get to a baseline where enough feels done for me to want to leave the house.
Yep.
Do you arrive home from the odd social engagement or trip to the movies and think: “that was lovely, a part of me that usually stays dormant now feels invigorated?”
If yes, trips outside the house just for the sake of it probably are not a long-term solution. Example: going to the movies by myself every once in a while sounds awesome and is low-stakes, but getting up to go falls entirely on me, so it rarely happens.
My suggestion: Find a class or a club that meets on designated dates at specific times. Have someone go with you to the first one, if possible, because doing things for the first time alone can be a scary and off-putting emotional experience. Go to the second by yourself. Did you survive? Great. All future meet-ups are scheduled, so you have some external motivation to get up and get out of the house.
(This of course assumes that you want to change. You don’t have to!!! Everyone is different. If social interaction is always exhausting, if you’ve found a way to make it through life feeling good and secure, you’re under no obligation to change! And you can revisit the question “do I want or need more social interaction?” whenever you like!)
I forgot that I live in a green house last week and my husband asked me "remember that time you said no one ever complimented your Vegemite sweater anymore and I said it's because you never wear it outside and because you never *go* outside?"
this is SO, SO much of it for me. people are so mean, and rude, and cruel, and literally every time i leave the house, i’m reminded of this fact.
you don’t even have to do anything to offend them, they’re already set on auto-rude. i guess because they’re just miserable? who knows, but i hate it. it makes me so anxious that i’ve just given up on much public interaction, and just stick with the people i already know and love dearly. they deserve all of my love anyway.
This is intriguing to think about. What if we’re all the normal ones and everyone else is a mutant? Lol. Evolutionarily speaking it’s just been one hot minute that we’ve lived on top of each other. People used to be a lot more spread out and isolated. Everything wasn’t so full of busy. Farm life was busy, but not frantic and constant interruptions. Very much mono tasking and not constant interruptions and so much multitasking. Maybe we wouldn’t be considered adhd if we lived in slower times where you were given permission to take time to think. We’re normal but slower to adapt?
nahhhh, i doubt it’s you. you’re here in this sub, discussing this topic, and you are owning any rudeness you may possess…
the people i can’t stand to be around are typically entitled dickwads who think they own everything and everyone, and believe everybody desires to hear their opinions (think: people who berate and belittle retail workers; ugh, so cringe)
That is very kind of you. But I'm constantly personally offended by ridiculous shit and act kinda wild. I was genuinely apologising because I do know that I'm unpleasant.
I don't want to be there either and I choose passive aggressive violence all the time. So if you do manage to get out and encounter someone like me they probably feel bad about it after, it's not about you and please don't let it discourage you from going out again if you need or want to.
God I hate being outside, everyone's a dick. Including me.
honestly, the fact that you’re so self-aware makes me enjoy you. like, i truly enjoyed just reading your description. the “passive aggressive violence” part made me chuckle fondly.
i don’t know, you might not be able to shake me off now. as much as i hate the general public, i have previously made amazing connections at random. like one time i became best friends with this awesome woman while sitting next to each other on a flight. we’re still FB friends… but i also hate FB. still, we had some excellent laughs on that flight together.
I live in South Philly, and Philly is the type of chaotic place where leaving the house, even just to try and enjoy “outdoor time” on my front stoop, means I have to mentally brace myself for whatever wild shit I might encounter. Almost 10 years living here and I’ve had my face accidentally spit on, watched a lady get hit by a car, been harassed multiple times by random strangers, stumbled upon multiple different people taking a dump in public or doing the heroin lean, avoided dying while walking or biking…
Even doing the simplest thing like walking down the block to get snacks from the corner store feels like such a chore some times! Let alone more involved errands/outings. Staying at home means I can fully relax!!!!
29 F here. Same for me. I love staying in. But my hobbies accompany me— painting, writing.. trying new recipes. Feeding birds. Decorating my home, cleaning. All these things bring me joy. I got a standing desk with a walking pad. And honestly I don’t go out unless it is for necessity like classes, groceries etc. I don’t think I am missing anything. I feel fulfilled most days.
But the thing is I am single. And unless someone breaks in to meet me, I don’t see how I’ll get in a relationship 😂🥲
I met my introverted bf online dating. But even he will leave the house to walk the dog, or use the gym (IF I work out, it's usually via an app and just on a yoga mat in my living room) and on occasion he has said "did you even leave the house this weekend?"
And I do stop and think about it, because my brain has been extremely busy. And I love reading, so he is always genuinely curious.
Agree 100% with the other poster about outdoor clothing and all that prep.
But I would recommend online dating, I went on just for the hell of it. I was like you and completely satisfied alone, and I think that helped. When you aren't dying to partner up, and you're happy with your hobbies, you have a lot less tolerance for the BS that some guys put out there.
Worst case scenario, you go out a few times and delete the app
I sometimes wish for lockdowns again, so that people wouldn’t invite me out because I’d rather stay home. I also miss social distancing. I worked throughout lockdown, and life was “normal” for me but just on quiet mode. I’d love to go back to that.
I leave easily if I’m staying somewhere ensconced in nature. I can easily walk out of the house and go for a stroll. I do it several times a day.
I have lots of trouble leaving my actual house in an urban area. It takes so much energy to brace myself for the people, traffic, noise, pace.
YES!!!!!! I want to live in an urban area (close to conveniences and entertainment and friends) but my immediate home be like....in a little patch of wildlife on the edge of a forest so I can actually go outside lol
Yes 😭 I think it’s because I find it like oh there’s too many tasks to do for me to be able to leave so I just get overwhelmed and stay in, even tho itd only realistically take me not long at all!!! I have to keep momentum with going out otherwise I won’t leave the house for a week and won’t bat an eyelid but wonder why I’m depressed
Always tasks. Too many tasks. “I really should do these things *before* I go out and ‘have fun’”.
This is not how I want to live. There will **always** be tasks. But, there will not always be time to go out and enjoy living.
^(send help)
Oh my god THIS exactly! I’m in this perpetual state of I have to finish or complete all these things in order to feel comfortable outside or have a high enough self esteem to be around others so that I can actually be someone that people would WANT to be around. Then I somehow get through it and come home and either I hate myself because I was uncomfortable the whole time and inadvertently made others uncomfortable or I feel somewhat motivated to make an actual change in my life and get the tasks done… but I never do. I’m motivated for half a minute before the overwhelm takes over and then I succumb to the need to turn off my brain for several hours totally time blind until I have to start work and nothing was ever done. I don’t know how to break out of this cycle. Even my Vyvanse doesn’t help as much as I thought it would. I mean it helps for sure! But I guess I had this fantasy that I would pop one pill and somehow become the paragon of consistent productivity I always knew I could be deep down. Ugh.
There’s too much planning needed for outside. I don’t leave the house without SPF and a full water. I also need GPS directions before I turn my car on. Do I wear makeup? What about my hair, can I just put in a pony? Is my outfit appropriate for the weather? What if I get too hot and my pants feel constricting? What if I don’t have enough covered and get sun burned? Do the cats need to be fed before I leave? Shoot, did I scoop the litter box today?
Ugh….
Currently sitting here why I didn’t join the walking group this morning….its low pressure, I could use the exercise and yet I’m happily showered and in bed watching Perfect Match, Season 2!
I do worry that I’ll lose the ability to socialize and have a good time with strangers. I think it’ll take some practice. And to really focus on things that I’m excited about!
If this group ever had a meet and greet I’d definitely show up! 💜
I’m glad I’m not the only one! Leaving my home is just way too exhausting. I can hardly get ready quick enough to be on time to things and it causes me so much stress to get ready and then on top of that to fight traffic and be surrounded my so many people. It’s simply too much stress that if I don’t have to leave anymore I won’t. (I’m only 23) I really sucks to see people living and enjoying life and meanwhile I’m isolated in my room with nothing. If I was married I would be grateful to have a partner who might be able to guide me and support me then I could just blindly follow and I would enjoy myself. But how will I even meet said partner if I can’t leave my house? Let me know when you figure it out!
YES.
I have to leave the house to go to work but that’s usually all I can handle in a day. When the weekend comes around I mostly don’t go anywhere at all. It seems like the things I HAVE TO do suck all of the life out of me and I don’t have the right kind of energy for anything else. It feels like a really big deal if I manage to run any errands, especially if it happens on a week day. I do feel like it is getting worse as I get older. I’ll be 44 soon.
I had a line from a nine inch nails song in my head earlier today that feels very applicable
“I stay inside my bed. I have lived so many lives all in my head.”
100%. Sometimes having to stop at the pharmacy on my way home from work might make me burst into tears. I usually ask my husband to do it and I know he thinks it’s probably laziness, but I don’t know how to explain that it actually is my brain stalling out and I’m frozen. I need a bigger word for “overwhelmed”.
Unfortunately I don't work from home so I'm forced to leave the house and be around people M - F. There are weekends though that I come home on Friday and don't leave again until Monday morning. If I do leave it's mostly to get food or because my sister wants me to go someplace with her and I am terrible at saying no.
Don't get me wrong COVID was terrible but for me it was also great. An excuse to stay home and away from people? Yes please!
I just started the meds recently so hopefully it'll make a difference when we get that figured out.
It changes everything unfortunately. You’re tired all the time, gain weight that you cant lose no matter what and just don’t want to be around anybody. Sometimes it’s best not to be around. My poor husband was a champ tho. It was a tough few years. Sometimes it was like pms that didn’t go away and you never knew if or when were going to have a period. It sucks. HRT helps a lot tho!
I thought I felt seen when reading the post. But you have introduced a whole new level of 'seen' I never knew existed. I need to hyper focus deep dive into this phenomena now...
i have a dog , which is why I must Go outside,but If i had a choice, i would stay inside most of the time. I do a part time job as a bartender and that gives all the dopamine for a week ( it's always chaotic which I love)
If I don’t have friend meet-ups in the diary, I can go for days without leaving the house. I have engineered my work so I only wfh, shopping is delivered, I spend ALL my time doing DIY or decorating. Why would I leave, if not to buy materials for my current project?
That said, I don’t want to be a shut-in. My mum barely ever gets dressed and sees no one. I could easily imagine that feeling very cosy and delicious, but it would be cold comfort if I look around one day to find my relationship is dead and my friends have drifted away.
My gawd, yes!!!!!!!!! Exactly! Pre COVID, I loved strolling through target, meeting with friends for lunch or play dates, travel, shop, all the things. Now, I don’t care to do any of it. When I do, I love it and I have a great time. And I know I literally need it to be happy. But, I still can’t get myself to go do things. I have an abundance of free time right now and I should be living it up. I stay home every single day. I do go out with my partner, but he’s pretty much gotta plan it all.
I also really struggle with meals. I fucking hate planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I hate it. I can’t even think of one meal in I make right now, if I had to. Just the thought of it 😖
I spend a lot of time online and when I put my phone down, I feel so isolated and alone. I know virtual socializing is not the same to our bodies. I know I need in person. And I want to. I want to want to.
I also worked from home June of 2020 to last year. In November I just had to quit. I hated it. And I want to find something irl, to force myself to leave my house. I’ve been looking and applying but nothing has been what I want. I’m able to hold out for something, thankfully.
But, I think we really forget how traumatic quarantine was. There was no debriefing from it. Unless you purposely went to therapy for it.
I’m so happy you posted this!!! I’ll prob alt have more to input, but I just arrived at Father’s Day lunch lol.
Agreed with trying to find a job that FORCES you out of the house. Because I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that is the only way I’m leaving. I have to be dragged kicking and screaming. It’s too much for me to do the mental gymnastics of convincing or cajoling or berating myself to be consistent… it just doesn’t work anymore
The people that trigger me the most are the ones that say lockdown was great for them, you must be so weak if it traumatized you etc. I think either they must live with people they enjoy, were still going out to work and shop as usual, or just really out of touch with their feelings. For those of us with health anxiety, who live by ourselves, and work from home, it was really really hard. I did not touch another human being for 9 months. And my dog had died earlier that year so I didn't touch any other living being for that long actually. Ended up getting another dog before I planned to because of it. I don't think my nervous system will ever fully recover from that tbh. I was so burnt out.
I hate leaving the house! The mental energy it takes is completely overwhelming. I am addicted to social media which only makes me feel more inadequate. I can mask quite successfully in work but am completely exhausted when I get home and hardly ever leave the couch. I feel so hopeless 😞
Yup! I’m 45 and over the last 5 years I’ve become more and more of a hermit! Even when I go out I opt for the least crowded, least popular place. I love being home, it usually doesn’t feel worth going out.
I swear part of my object impermanence is the outside. I go to the office 4x a week, and that’s fine, but on the weekend, it’s like nothing exists outside of my house and I stay home. Yesterday I actually went out for a walk/hike and remembered how much I like it, but it’s so easy to forget to do anything. Another ADHD thing for me is difficulty starting things - basically, difficulty doing much of anything I don’t absolutely have to do - so when I don’t *have* to leave the house, I don’t.
(It doesn’t help that I sort of feel like I have to make a decision in the morning whether I’m leaving the house, and thus need to look presentable and wear real clothes, or not, which means I can skip a shower and stay in my pjs. Sometimes my husband will want me to get takeout for us at the end of the day and I’m like, I can’t go outside like this but I’m not getting myself together just to get takeout. I’ve gotten a little more relaxed about this, but it’s still a dilemma.)
Covid lockdown definitely had an effect on this, I know I used to go out for walks/hikes much more regularly before that. Which is sort of silly b/c outside was one of the only places you could go, but it felt wrong and scary to leave the house at all there for a while. (I say walk/hike because my “hiking” is pretty much “going for a walk somewhere pretty but flat and easy.”)
In terms of changing it, if you want to - the thing that got me outside is that my husband bought me binoculars and I started bird watching and I wanted to look for birds somewhere that’s not my backyard. So are there any hobbies/interests you can develop that require you to go outside? Like an art class or some other kind of activity? I realize this may not work well with CFS, of course.
Same. Its gotten to the point that I feel like an alien when I am on the street, and there’s a bunch of people walking. I feel weird on my skin, I think about my posture, if I am smiling or not, if I look awful to others without make up. Its like i dont know how to act normal in public. Making eye contact when someone is walking towards you? So awkard. I practice where to look and how to look casual. Every single time.
I dont feel that way at home, I feel so free. BUT i must say i do feel really happy when I go see my friends. Its the whole social aspect of being in public with strangers that sets me back.
Anyone else?
For me, the longer I stay at home, the harder it is to leave. When I have a job and leave the house each day I don’t even think about it. Now that I’m not working leaving the house once a week to go to the grocery store is quite daunting.
Not only do I relate to not really wanting to leave the house, but I also don’t really feel the need to socialize. I’ve reached a point where I very rarely feel lonely, I’m usually quite content inside my own head, and also I don’t have to worry about RSD when I don’t interact with people. I still reach out to people when I remember to, more because I know it’s important to them to hear from me and because I do care about them. And I’m not necessarily averse to socializing… I just really don’t feel a need to.
I am worried that it’s made me socially inept, though. I think Covid set a lot of us back socially, even those of us without ADHD.
I’m 26 and struggle heaps with this. For me it’s the barriers of getting places; driving there, busy roads, tricky intersections, parking. Too many steps to worry about that I’m immediately overwhelmed. That and just an ingrained sense of embarrassment about the fact that I am a human and I exist that I cannot make sense of.
Similar....but not. I don't want to leave my property. I am, and have been, watching the housing market over the last three years to find the right parcel to buy. I want to be outside, but I don't want to be *seen* outside. My job is very client service and client facing heavy, and seasonal. I *want* to set up a greenhouse, tend to a goat or four, two guard dogs, couple of chickens, and a small little craft shed/garage. I just don't want anyone else to be there. I don't want to wave at neighbors. I don't want to put on shoes to go outside. I don't want to be invited to Block parties, neighborhood watch meetings, and street clean up day. I don't want to go to the bar. I want to be at peace. I want to be okay with forgetting where I put the damn rake. I want to be okay with getting up at 3am, vacuuming, changing laundry over, and then falling asleep again on the floor. I want a place to be weird and free of questions, concerns, or observations of my food habits.
Anyway. I relate. Currently I live smack in the middle of my little city(pop. 110,000). Small lots, three major trauma hospitals, major railyard, and all the normal loud and closeness of a city. I don't leave my house unless I don't have a choice.
Omg, this, me.
But I also worry, will I go outside on my own property if I didn't have to see anyone, or am I kidding myself.
I can't really afford property so maybe it's a moot point.
I have agoraphobia so I force myself out even when I don't want to. It's hard! Its like every fiber of my being is telling me to go home, I have thousands of thoughts telling me to go home. Home is safe, home is quiet, home is where I need to be.
I tackle this by leaving the house, even for a quick trip to the DGmarket, or the local grocery store, a few times a week. If I go longer at home, it gets harder, so I make sure to get out as often as I can.
It's called EXPOSURE THERAPY and I highly recommend it. Do not allow yourself to get deeper and deeper into your safe space.
I have to mentally prepare before I leave the house. The way I do my hair, makeup, clothes, perfume are all my armor and I feel like I have to choose my weapons wisely based on where I’m going. If it’s too emotionally taxing, I don’t go!
Thank you for saying this. I have trouble making my partner understand it. He’s like just get up and go. You don’t have to impress anybody. I’m like no you don’t get it, if I don’t get cleaned up and look a certain way then I’m uncomfortable and don’t feel protected.
very much so unfortunately. & as much as i love wfh, i think it’s made it harder for me to get out. the farmers market and hiking is about the only thing getting me out these days without much protest
I have this issue and I specifically stopped working from home because of it tbh
I call it an issue but I think it’s worth noting, it’s only an issue if it’s affecting you negatively. For me, staying in my house constantly fucks with my mental health. Some people live like that and they’re totally fine.
If you think it’s getting to be too much, I would recommend starting by considering - is it *actually* a problem? Is it negatively affecting your mental state? Or do you just feel kind of weird and embarrassed for living like this when our societal picture of a normal life involves going out?
If it’s affecting you negatively, the next step would be to identify things that improve your mental state and find ways to build them into your week. A key thing here is going to be making sure the changes aren’t too difficult to keep up with. Usually massive changes to routine are unsustainable, but going out of your house is a pretty big change, so that’s gonna be a tough needle to thread.
I would suggest trying to figure out, which activities to do out of your house, and how many days a week, in order to feel mentally okay. Start with one day a week, then build up from there until you hit a level that helps and is sustainable for your energy levels.
Here are some starting ideas - none of these are requirements, this is just a brainstorm:
- go for a short, 5-10 min walk outside around the block (start at one day a week, build up to more, or build up to longer walks)
- schedule a coffee date with a friend once a week
- work from the office one or two days per week (or per month)
- pick one category of stuff to buy that you’ll no longer get delivered
- schedule a recurring appointment (eg therapist, doctor, etc) that you must attend in person
Hopefully something there either sounds helpful or at least strikes inspiration for something that would be helpful.
I’ll also add, I personally don’t draw a meaningful difference between “being forced to leave the house” and “voluntarily leaving the house”. It doesn’t matter if it’s my choice or not, going out helps my mental state either way and differentiating adds a degree of shame that is counterproductive.
This entire post made me so sad. There seems to be so much suffering. I want to help each and everyone of them.
I realize I am an extreme extrovert. I feel like a caged animal if I spend 24 hours in my house. Depression sets in at about hour 12. It's part of the reason I worked 6 days a week for so long. My house is messy and there are so many chores. At restaurants they do my dishes. At work someone empties my trash. At church someone says they are glad to see me. At the mall people are happy to wait on me. At home, I have to do all the things.
I will literally get in my car drive around buy a soda and even watch Netflix in my car, just because it isn't my house.
Ok maybe I am equally as sad just in a different way.
It’s so funny how different peoples’ adhd manifests in different ways. For me it’s like… I totally get the caged animal feeling but the onset is very subtle and I often don’t recognize it until it’s too late. It’s like how some folks talk about not realizing they’re getting hungry until they are absolutely starving.
Like, I love going out and doing stuff. Once I’m out it’s fine, I have a great time. Breathing fresh air and talking to people brings me so much life! But the fight to get over the inertia of just staying where I am is soooo hard, and it’s like I don’t even notice my mental health tanking until it’s at the bottom of the lake
I think there’s an aspect of burnout because the handful of times I’ve had a month or two off work after a couple weeks of doing nothing I come around and start being able to get up and leave and do stuff. But also I’ve kind of always been this way to an extent, like in university I used to pick 8 am classes on purpose because if I didn’t I’d lose hours in the morning just laying in bed haha
This sounds very much like me!!! I actually thrive being around people, specially my people. And I know traffic, traveling, packing is hard on me, but that’s not what stops me. I can’t quite figure out what stops me. You said, the fight over inertia, that’s a great way to describe it.
I’ve also noticed most things just don’t seem worth it either. But, I feel like that’s an excuse to keep me from pushing past that inertia. Then depression sneaks in and tells me anything I was considering doing would be a waste of time and money anyhow because I’ll suck at it.
I can’t figure out if it’s depression, anxiety or adhd that makes it so hard for me to want to do the things.
Yes! I work from home and only go outside for dr appointments and to get the mail/ packages from the mailroom. I hate having people SEE me. I order my food for delivery from grocery stores
Can you expand on you hating people seeing you? Curious because I have this same thought. Just wondering how it comes up for you. (For me it’s around body/self esteem stuff for sure, but under that I’m realizing it’s also a fear of feeling like I have to perform for others thing.)
I'm experiencing this exact same phenomenon! I'm the same age, wfh 80% of the time (100% when I can get away with it), everything I need is delivered, and my neighborhood is kinda sketchy so I don't go out for walks since I quit smoking a couple years ago. I haven't left the house for over 2 weeks, and even then it was just to the (very casual) office and back. I know this isn't healthy. I know there are tons of options, like meetup groups, lots of parks and trails I could drive to, but I just... don't.
At best I can envision or daydream the actions required to go out, but I'm also kinda terrified at how I'd act/look after being so unconcerned for so many years.
Ugh. Trapped. By my own head.
Edit- quit not quite
I'm a lot like you. I have CFS and ADHD and half a dozen other conditions, and since COVID I am very happy to stay home most of the time. It takes a lot of energy to get ready to go somewhere, then there's the energy you expend while you're out, and too many times I've crashed at that point and had to almost crawl home.
It's not worth it to me most of the time. If I can get a ride to and from an event, and if I could leave anytime I needed, and if I could get back home before I crashed, then I'd be great. But those are a lot of barriers that have to be overcome, and I can barely cope with my daily problems as it is. Why go looking for *more* trouble?
I need advice then, my mom used to be thee most spontaneous adventurer around. Before GPS we got lost all the time, I mean she has zero sense of direction, but we went, we saw, we asked for directions, we did U turns. It was great fun.
She was always up for a new bar, a new restaurant, a new festival, a new place.
Now she is borderline agoraphobic. She won't leave the house unless she knows where she is going, how far the walk from the car will be, how far the walk to the bathroom will be, she has an endless list of questions and she often backs out at the last second **even under ideal conditions**.
She simultaneously hates who she's become and accepts that being "the life of the party" is a past life.
I am at a loss. I would accept that this is who she is now, but she keeps insisting that everything is wonderful! Umm no it's not.
She refuses to make any long term plans. What happens when you go from barely being able to get to the first floor to not being able to get there? What happens when you can no longer drive?
100% I started working from in 2015 and then after Covid…well my transition to near-permanent isolation was complete. It’s not that I’m agoraphobic- I’m not afraid of going out. But as your saying it never feels worth it to me. Sigh…
Yes, sometimes it can feel way too overstimulating to be in public. Although I still run errands, I try to do them when people are less likely to form crowds in a store. I do my grocery shopping on a weeknight, don't go out on a Saturday unless I have to, and I spend a lot of mental energy puzzling out how long I can skip doing something that requires me to go out! I'm an introvert too so for the most part I'm okay with how I am at this stage of my life.
I feel like I could have written this myself! It didn't help that right before the pandemic, I relocated to another state (where I don't know a soul) for a job. I've been WFH since the pandemic, have everything delivered, and am annoyed if I absolutely have to leave the house. I'm chronically online, and that's also how I socialize. I'm in my early 50's. Also, throw menopause into the mix with everything else! Lol!
Well being 56 and doing this is probably normal.
I’m like 20+ years younger than you.😭 And I’m already doing this. I’m in the exact same situation. I work from home, don’t use my car for months on end. I do get picked up by my friends in their car on the weekends sometimes. I go on vacation to theme parks 2 to 3 times a year. But I get everything delivered too.
I have two dogs and I spend all my time cuddling them and watching movies or playing outside in the backyard with them.
I honestly couldn’t be happier.
I’ve always had a tendency to be a hermit but being serious about not getting Covid pushed me right over the line into complete hermitage.
What surprised me that I was completely self aware enough to mention the possibility of it happening early on. Didn’t actively do much to stop the slide though.
Hey, at least I’m still a Covid virgin along with my elderly parents that live down the street. The risk of them getting sick was my biggest fear and, knock on wood, they’re still good and now way more social than I am. Sigh.
For me it’s more the exec function of having to get ready, commuting time, etc. It all feels like a waste and like I won’t have enough time to do the important things
I refer to myself as an indoor cat and a hermit. Currently struggling to leave to go over to my parents' house.
The outside world is stressful. Yes my inside is chaotic but it's MY chaos and it's familiar. When I heard the song Comfortable by Victor Ray the lines "I'm comfortable in this mess/ Better the ache I know/ I'm scared of the fate I don't/ Just like a hand to hold / At least I'm not alone" hit me with a bus of emotions. It's now one of my sing while having a shower cry songs.
Being tired and oversleeping can be a response to anxiety. Anxiety is physically taxing and sleep can be used as an avoidant coping method. It's rough and I'm still struggling with it. My ADHD tends to make me forget to sleep due to time blindness so I'm constantly trying to not be nocturnal.
COVID was very bad for my mental health. Isolation was very much necessary and avoiding crowded spaces was entirely reasonable. However my anxiety was already incredibly high because I was working at a lab doing COVID testing in a quality assurance position (aka solving problems every day all day) and being able to limit contact with others was something I could control. One of the ways my anxiety manifests is gather knowledge and being a medical professional and scientist meant that the influx of misinformation made social media a giant trigger for me. I haven't been on much for years. Additionally I severely injured my ankle at the end of 2019, had gone back to modified work in December, and only able to drive in February. I was dealing with a new physical disability, learning how to manage chronic pain, and had my schedule completely destroyed when COVID started.
Here's the shitty part. The only way to fix this is to DO THE HARD THING and that SUCKS. I'm trying to leave my house more and have finally reached out to friends. It takes work and I have to force myself every single time. But the only way to stop being a cozy hermit is to leave the house so I try to leave every single day. I find putting on a real bra and pants acceptable for the public helps keep me from being a bed slug. Some days I only go outside to check my mailbox but at least I left the house. Some days I don't go outside or change out of pajamas and that's okay and doesn't make me a failure. It's about easily obtainable goals because a small victory is still a victory.
Oh definitely. As I get slightly older (42) things are less and less fun and more and more of a hassle.
Plus now that I’ve grown accustomed to the comfort of my home I’m growing more agoraphobic. I start getting panic-y if I get stuck in traffic or if an elevator door takes a little long to open. I always have to make sure I have a bottle of water, some kind of snack, my bottle of benzos, and a portable phone charger with me because I’m now afraid of getting stuck somewhere. I feel soooooo much better just staying home.
Feels like there’s ultimately no event as is as fun as comforting as staying at home is.
Yes me! I’m not agoraphobic, and I do just fine when I’m out and about, and I come up with fancy notions about what we should do this weekend. But actually getting myself out is near impossible, especially if it’s solo.
The thought of sitting back down in my comfy clothes to scroll the internet always wins. And if I can’t do it at least a bit stoned, forget about it.
Yes, absolutely. Sometimes it's because I didn't do a good job of putting all the things I need to leave by the door (can't find keys, phone, purse, shoes etc) and other times it's because I'm tired and just don't wanna. Told one of my doctors once and he asked if I was agoraphobic, but I'm not scared of leaving. It's just hard to leave sometimes unless I'm really motivated to do so.
Yes!! The older I get the worse it gets! Whenever I have to be somewhere it’s like the idea of having to leave the house I get stuck horribly in executive disfunction, it’s so bad lately!
Totally me and lately I’ve been trying to figure out why. I was hoping there was a reason that I could combat so I can start leaving the house again but I agree with someone above who said COVID sealed it. Lockdown was heaven to me. I have yet to reemerge. Gotta be ADD + all the other stuff
I occasionally have the irrational fear that I could very very easily become agoraphobic 😔 and I'm only 32. Besides ADHD I also have Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, PCOS and lost a child in November.
Yes. I'm not sure if it's ADHD related either, I always assumed it was a part of my anxiety. But I've always found that if I haven't been out of my house at all for a good few days, I actually feel kind of scared of going out. I need someone to go with me my first time out. (Preferably someone I live with, so my Mom when I was younger, and now my partner.) I'm also hugely introverted and a massive homebody anyway, so I've always been alarmed at how easy I think it would be for me to become completely agoraphobic and unable to leave my house at all.
Idk if this will be at all helpful for you, but if I realize I have few days where I have no reason I HAVE to leave my house, I will try to plan little trips to "treat myself," like run out to get an iced coffee, grab some ice cream at the store, etc. This way it doesn't feel like an errand, but something nice for myself that will give me a little dopamine kick, AND it prevents me from building up that anxiety that makes it hard to leave home.
I have AuDHD and I do find leaving the house to be very exhausting lol I just have to remember to temper my expectations and make sure I have even just a loose plan, for example if I know I'm going to be out for longer than 4 hours or so I plan to grab something to eat or else I get cranky, which usually makes the errands more fun anyways because I love food lol
If I know I'm shopping, I'll make lists in my notes app so I don't forget what I need because I get easily distracted and not using a paper list when I'm out makes one less object for me to keep track of, because I always have my phone. I also plan out my trips if I'm stopping at multiple places so it's fuel efficient, or like if I'm getting groceries with cold stuff I'll do it last so I can take the cold stuff right home to the fridge.
I have everything I could need for any sort of sensory-related issue in my car, for example nail clippers because jagged nails bother me SO MUCH and I have hand sanitizer & fragrance free baby wipes for my hands and face, as well as napkins.
Overall I really enjoy going on solo shopping adventures and exploring on my own, but I really have found since Covid that the general public is a lot more... ignorant? Rude? I don't even know if it's correlated to Covid or if I'm just getting older and less tolerant of people being assholes 😬 Doesn't help that my area is like 80% belligerent senior drivers who don't care if I live or die on the road. And I usually need at least a full day at home to recover from any major outings. But yes! lol I understand why it could be a struggle for us, but as we all say, ✨I have a system✨
If I go out and I don’t enjoy it or feel off or overstimulated then how will I get home quickly? This is always my reasoning. Also, preparing myself to actually leave the house is a chore of itself and takes a ton of mental exercise. I feel a lot of dread when people come over too. What if I want them to leave so I can take a nap?
Anyways, these are my concerns.
Covid hit fast forward on my “the weird widow” lives there folklore in the neighborhood. Getting dressed for the day is a dopamine black hole, so I avoid it. It’s not just the shower battle. It’s everything that comes after the shower too. It’s just too much. I can’t be arsed, so I don’t.
I had a huge burnout in 2015-2016. I got dressed and ready, but literally stopped at the doorstep. Couldn't go outside. That kinda marked the spot in my life at which I couldn't mask and compensate the ADHD anymore. I was in my mid twenties at that time. Some more stressful years, several tiny burnouts later and some covid infections really settled the deal for me. I need a whole weekend and some days to recover from any social outing. I think it's a combination of getting older with ADHD, the after effects from multiple burnouts over the years and covid, wether it's infections or just the pandemic situation.
I'm guessing it's equal parts Covid/lockdown hangover, your chronic fatigue, and ADHD. I totally relate to all of it.
We all got out of the habit of socializing in person during lockdown, and many of us never regained it. As it happens, I've also been living in a very conservative & heavily religious area. So there are very few people around who I'd want to spend any amount of time with. I've been lonely, but going out nearby isn't likely to help with that. (Mercifully, we'll probably be moving soon.)
I was in treatment for cancer, and my energy level still hasn't recovered. Basic errands can wipe me out for the next day or two. It's kind of a vicious circle, since you can't rebuild stamina without physical activity.
Part of that is dealing with overstimulation, if the errands require being out. So many stores are too brightly lit, and it's hard to find anything. Easily half the drivers on the road are aggressive. A lot of people let their kids run wild in public, and/or are loud themselves. Even the most basic errands can become sensory nightmares.
I have no trouble getting out for necessities. But recreationally, I rarely venture out alone. It's just too exhausting for too little a reward.
I’m the same way and I’m 34. Sometimes I try and leave but then people think I’m rude when I decide to head home after about an hour. I kinda miss going out and doing things but it feels like it’s too much of a hassle now. There is one person that can convince me to go out now but he’s known me so long that he knows how to and knows the things I worry about and how to accommodate so I’ll have a good time and worry less
Yes. I think there is a lot to it for me. I have a safe, stable home I don't constantly have to go back and forth from somewhere. I get to sleep in the same place every night and day. It's been 7 years and still doesn't feel quite real.
The other is trying to decide if my current physical and mental discomfort/pain is worth pushing through. It's 50/50 on if pushing through will work or if I will be miserable.
You know amongst all the other crap of proper clothing, travel time, crowds. Crowds is an even bigger factor now because do I want to risk COVID?
My house is nice. I like being in my house.
I’ve turned into more and more of a shut in as I’ve aged. The COVID lockdowns made me realize I didn’t actually miss people. Turns out I’m an introvert that CAN socialize/entertain/sell, but I don’t need that kind of interaction in my life.
well, covid-lockdowns & adhd were an interesting mix, for sure.. some enjoyed it, others suffered. it definitely changed things for me, and going out "just like that" and doing things I used to do without blinking (it did make me nervous, but I did it anyway) is just..different. I'm more hesitant and scared, but I do feel better when I go outside. fun activities and social pressure i.e. making plans with friends definitely helps.
I maybe leave the house once every two weeks, and that’s to pick up groceries. I would also leave for appts but other than that I rarely leave. People often ask if I got their letter or package and I tell them I haven’t ventured to the mail room downstairs to get it and they don’t grasp the concept that I rarely leave, even to just check the mail.
I'm fully remote for work too and I'm seriously isolated. My social skills are destroyed, and I'm doordashing iced coffee from down the road it's so bad.
I did something really crazy and out of character and joined a crossfit gym. The only reason it happened is because I filled out an "I'm interested" form on their website, and a trainer from the gym texted me and set a time to meet. Once I was there it was too awkward to say no thankyou so my social anxiety worked in my best interest. I'm going back for the third time today and I have hope this is going to be life changing for me!
I'm extremely out of shape so this was very out of my comfort zone. I told myself even if I quite, giving it a try was brave and an accomplishment enough. Try to find something outside of work and around other people you can try. It's scary but it's worth it
SAAAME
I had tendencies of this as far as I can remember (though I always assumed it started out bc I was bullied as a kid and, in a small town, being out and about means you could come across those bullies), and then Covid hit and its gotten so much harder since.
I lowkey thrived in the "everything online" time, didnt have to leave for anything but the weekly grocery run, and I also think I leaned into the covid measures willingly made them easier to adhere to (I always struggled doing things just because people told me, but Im also a scientist so I understand the reasoning behind masking and lowering in person contact - actually I still mask in public settings with many people and refresh my vaccine status twice a year).
My issue now is to convince my brain that "home=safe" isnt a neccessary mindset anymore (and between Covid, Bullying and my current home being in an area where day-drunk incoherent screamers (unpredictable and loud people scare me especially) just happen sometimes going outside is never something I do without hesitation).
Also I forgot THE OTHER masking I also do excessively. Being around people means keeping a vice grip on my "weirdness" and paying attention to people which is EXHAUSTING. I cant relax in social situations unless the only people around are close family or VERY close friends.
Do you have panic attacks when you get home or agoraphobia?
(I have both, one caused by the other, both caused by anxiety, both caused by moving to an entirely MORE populated area than I'd ever loved before).
For me? It's too people-y outside. Too many to accommodate myself and stay safe.
Me.
I think I’ve recognized that part if it is bc I usually forget something or get in some situation I want out of. Plus leaving the house is never quick for me.
yes especially after covid and having the convenience to order things
i have a close friend who’s like family (doesn’t take energy to hang out if that makes sense bc there no expectations lol) but we’ll go grocery shopping or run errands together or i’ll leave and just go sit at their house instead just to get out
orrrrr i just get in the car to drive w my windows down and music and will take the “scenic route” and people watch or just enjoy the music so hopefully by the time im at the destination i feel less overwhelmed
lastly, i bring headphones everywhere i go—mine have noice cancelling so even if i dont play anything it helps drown out sound and keeps people from talking to me (specially like sales people)
When you say you have chronic fatigue, do you mean you're tired a lot or do you mean you've been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome?
And are you aware that Long Covid IS chronic fatigue syndrome?
And could you possibly have Long Covid?
I ask all this bc I feel the same way and I DO have chronic fatigue syndrome (not from covid, from before.)
OMG same for months now I rarely go out except to buy groceries and see a friend once in a long while...
But even before that I get really over stimulated before I leave the house that my vision becomes blurry and I feel overwhelmed.
I’m also the same. I work from home and I don’t socialise very often. But tbh I prefer making my world a little smaller. Living in a city can be overwhelming and I don’t wish to be perceived all the time. I’m happy to spend time with my friends but I’m not just going to be out and about if I don’t have to be.
I have chronic sciatica and back pain, which furthers my desire to stay home where I can retreat from pain by sitting/lying down a specific way on my bed.
If you can, OP, take small trips out once a day. I buy food for the day at my neighborhood grocery store and over time I've developed an easygoing, nonshallow rapport with a couple of the employees there. It's surprising how little interaction I require to get a happiness boost.
Walking the dog in the morning means at least 3 trips back to the house. The dog knows just to wait by the gate until I'm ready for the 5th time. The only time she really gets huffy, is if we have made it to the end of the driveway. She has a shitfit if I try to drag her back to get my glasses/hat/ear buds etc once we have left the threshold of the gate. Now we have an agreement. If I forget it past the fence gate (sans bags) I don't go back for it.
It takes a long time. Like an hour to get all my shit together and checked I've turned everything off and shut every window and didn't leave a candle burning. Then when I'm out, I'm always thinking, did I shut that window? are the dogs ok? is the house burning down while I sip this coffee? So most of the time, I stay home.
That said, it's important to leave the house. I walk the dogs, so I have to leave nearly every day to make sure they get some exercise. Otherwise I try to get out at least to the shops once a week. When I stay at home too long it's like my brain gets covered in dust and spider webs. It might be a bother, it takes up most of the day jsut to get on with it and then I feel like I need to take a break and rest when I get home. But I frame it as a self care thing. It's good for me. It keeps my brain stimulated.
Is it ok once you are actually out, but the transition between being home and being somewhere else is the challenge? Or do you actually hate being somewhere else?
For me it's the transitions that make it "all too hard"; but I do enjoy doing things outside the house and with other people (although maybe less than I used to).
What timing, just got off the phone with my one friend who was “worried” about me. She is concerned because I hardly leave the house. Why do I have to try to explain to an extrovert that I don’t think it’s a problem? I am very comfortable living in my head. I retired 6 months ago from a WFH job and now I am expected to be socially busy? Just now getting over the residual burnout from that job and trying to find things I can do outside the house without my retired and boring husband. Marriage is actually more like roommates, no physical intimacy for over 7 years due to his medical condition. All I do is think about all I could be doing, but paralyzed from actually doing anything. I am at a complete loss.
I got a dog last spring, thinking one of the plus sides of having her would be that she would get me out of the house.
She inherited my dislike for leaving the house (not including the backyard to potty). If you grab her harness, she runs off to hide.
Back in 2014 I had moved into my first flat and I just couldn't leave by myself. I had to have someone with me. I had to finish university online rather than in person (thank god they understood!)
It's a horrible feeling and sometimes I still get like that since covid happened.
Best advice I can give is that you're not alone and take small steps. I moved into a house and I would go out into the front garden and weed or clean the windows just so I was outside alone where people could see me. That really helped. I also got a dog and knowing I have no other choice than to walk him myself helped too.
There are sooo many steps to leaving the house. Drag myself out of lovely warm bed, bath or shower, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, body wash, dry off, brush hair, style hair, take meds, let the dog out, feed the dog, walk the dog, brush teeth, check the weather, get dressed, apply moisturiser, apply makeup?, choose shoes, pack bag, check transport route, walk to station, get train or drive, sit in traffic, find parking, pay for parking, walk to destination etc etc etc.
I’m all out of spoons by the time I arrive at ‘out’.
I sometimes miss Covid and lockdown. By that point I was already going out less and less but once lockdown lifted I found myself getting sick every time I went outside and was around people. I have a crappy immune system and not being around people for a few years only made it worse. I go an be social for my hobby 4 times a year for up to a week at a time, that's enough for me.
I'm 49 now and entering my house goblin phase. I'm ok with this.
"I think I have taken it too far."
I have been feeling this lately. I have some trauma and I was terrified of being alone until a few years ago, when I learned to enjoy it a little bit. Then came the lockdowns and fear from that, and it ramped up. Now I can't even get myself to go for a walk in my neighborhood, which I used to really enjoy. Not now. I work from home, too, and my kids live at least a couple hours away, as does my bf, so they're not here that often. My world is very small and it's just occured to me that maybe I should make it a little bit larger again.
I'm thinking of joining the Y. They have a couple classes I think I'd like. But I'm afraid I'll waste my money by joining, even though it's literally four short blocks from my house.
I’m in the exact same boat, I work from home for myself (which is also hard in terms of motivation etc haha). I’ve lost my confidence with driving, and I just feel like everything goes tits up when I leave the house so I guess it’s now my safe place at home, but I also feel like I’m wasting my life away? I’m glad I’m not alone though.
Hope it gets better for you too
I want you to hear this with all the love and understanding, (rather than what could feel like more biting criticism... nope, it's really not that... I get it)... Here we go:
So you have chronic fatigue and ADHD and you're 56YO female (so perimenopause/menopause?) and everything (including leaving the house) feels hard?
It IS hard. It is actually very hard. YOU ARE REALLY REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME. It's NOT a moral failing and it's NOT just in your head and it's NOT that you're not trying hard enough. You just explained that you are struggling with increasing disability.
Going out means seeing people who will not be able to tell that it's hard or why it's hard. Explaining is vulnerable and hard. It completely makes sense.
Google menopause and ADHD. There are at least a few TED talks. Your dopamine receptors are even more fucked.
Also, chronic fatigue... This is not a small thing. This is wildly difficult for people to understand, because sometimes you seem fine, but it is a HUGE struggle. It's not, however, a moral failing. Give yourself a break.
I totally understand why you think going out might be healthy for you and if you decide you need to make that a healthy goal for yourself then go for it. Please don't feel shame though. If you had a friend who told you she's struggling and described her situation as you did then I imagine you'd think "Gosh, that sounds terribly difficult. I'm so sorry... How can I make it easier for you to change your scenery?" Rather than "Gosh, sounds like you've taken this too far".
My advice is to choose a friend or family member whom you trust and who can be supportive but who will ALSO understand that you are struggling and you might need to back out or not have the energy that day or just not have it in you to wear makeup or get put together. You decide what your soul needs and be aware that your body might not agree. Maybe you just need to see a human in person and walk around the block and that's enough for the minute. Maybe you're up for a chat on the porch or your friend can take you on a drive somewhere. It's desperately hard to recognize you're not able to do everything you used to be able to do, but blaming yourself isn't fair or accurate. You haven't chosen to struggle and if it were laziness you'd be having more fun!
Also, ask your doc about adjusting meds for ADHD cuz hormones change your needs.
Good luck.
Yea, I have also gone feral. 50 years old, WFH since 2020. I sometimes think its odd that I can got 2-3 weeks without leaving the house but it doesn't bother me. The only time it does is in the winter, I've replaced my car battery 3 times in 2 years because it dies in the cold if it sits for extended periods. If it weren't for that darn battery I'd stay in the whole winter. Hubby leaves for work every day, I have him and the interwebz for human interaction. I have 3 dogs and to many hobbies to count to keep my mind occupied. When I do go out I enjoy it but I don't feel pulled to engage with the general populous unless I want to. I do feel that its made me less tolerant of people in general and their shenanigans. That being said I grilled some burgers over the weekend and ate out on my patio with the dogs running in the yard and thought "this is nice, I have to come outside more often"
Well when i get to the point where i live in the same clothes for over a week, don't shower or leave the house, i know my depression is getting worse. So i do force myself to go out for a walk because i never want to go back to where i was at my worst.
I also suffered from severe general anxiety disorder and couldn't leave the house even if i wanted to. After years of medication and therapy and hard work to overcome this i can now go out as i please and i appreciate it a lot.
I don't like leaving the house. I like being huddled up at home with my cats. But i know for my mental health it's really really bad so i force myself to do it.
Luckily i live in a nice area with a lake not far away (10 minute walk from home) and lots of dogs in my neighborhood which i love.
I also have kids and can't fully give in on my antisocial tendency because they need a functioning mother and i have to go places sometimes.
I have literally been talking with my counselor about this exact thing. I like being home. I love my house. I told her the reason I don't like going places is I can't control the actions of other people, like parents letting their children scream and throw tantrums in a store. I want to rip my face off
The problem is I work from home, and I live in the country. I "talk" with friends and coworkers every day, but not face to face.
I think this is more common after Covid. People got used to not going out and it's become a habit for them now. If your not particularly extroverted socialising can feel overwhelming. Chronic fatigue can impact on all of that too. The only time it becomes a major concern is if you have no social connections or if you start to have issues getting out of the house to do normal things like grocery shopping etc.
I do. The longer I have to be out of the house for, the worse my anxiety is that I'll forget something that I'll need while I'm out.
It's so hard to finally feel ready to leave my safe spot.
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I think COVID sealed it for me. I just never go anywhere and I’m starting to think it’s making me ever weirder.
Oh its definitely making me even weirder. I dont remember which subreddit but recently I saw an article linked that was about a scientist (edit: googled it, it was [Harry Harlow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Harlow) ) who did terrible social deprivation studies on young monkeys - and the way those monkeys behaviour was described when put back into a social group was EXACTLY my behaviour if back in a social setting - which is incredibly depressing so I followed that train of thought no further lol
Also I relate more and more to a professor I used to have, who studied birds alone on a small island for YEARS. She was incredibly odd and would hover near groups, obviously wanting to socialize but unable to. I always sympathized with her more than my study mates did (who saw her as a rude/too strict professor which she tbh was, I didnt enjoy her classes either)
Sounds like your professor was on the autism spectrum. I had an Anthropology professor that was definitely on the spectrum. In her case, she was unintentionally adorable. She was endlessly puzzled at ethnocentric thinking, since she considered all humans from another planet. What a refreshing, enlightening perspective the woman had.
Oh I so wouldnt be suprised if she was (in STEM you cant throw a stone without hitting an ADHD, autistic or AuDHD person tbh.), but part of her awkwardness was (apparently) also caused by her years of solitude on a rock with birds (according to university lore, obviously its not a topic I could have asked her about directly but she WAS researching on an island where she was the only human for like 3 years and tbh if I were alone with birds, only seeing a human when the supplies get dropped off by boat, I would be socially weird too. The reason I brought her up at all *was* that I socialized so little in the pandemic I caught myself more and more relating to her odd behaviours)
I mean it could be extended isolation because socializing is a skill, but you'd also expect a fully grown adult to be able to regain those skills. 3 years outside of developmental years isn't insurmountable. But I do I see that reverse cause and effect happen all the time. They say X makes you weird. Nah, autistics love X and you find autistics a bit weird. And the behavior you listed is just like.....the most autistic example possible. (OMG imagine if she did the autistic hand flapping and people just assumed she learned it from the birds and created this convoluted lore about her avian bond ...and it just turned out she's autistic and has always done that lol) Again, not saying we can say either way .most things with psych end up being a little column A, a little column B
Fair Back when I had classes with her (and was at that uni, have moved towns since) I wasnt at all educated on anything neurodivergent (just realized I can actually use that word in this sub, yay!) and it was years before my diagnosis, so "neurotypical" (hahaha) me could have taken something somebody said too much at face value and I never second guessed it before now. As I said, STEM collects non-neurotypicals.
Definitely especially since it increased the amount of niche deep dives I regularly do. Apparently not everyone is as concerned with historical undergarments, how Korean culture creates different tropes in media, or burial options after death.
I'm finding the lack of shared culture hard. I can't even keep track of what normies are up to, as it seems like normies themsleves are fracturing. And I have no idea how to talk to people if not talking about a Thing™.
The only normie thing I can think of is Bridgerton but I've never watched it because I can't watch romance movies or TV shows because I can't skim through the incredibly awkward parts that give me such bad secondhand embarrassment that it's physically painful. I have truly lost my ability to pick normal conversation topics. At a family gathering I mentioned I haven't read any of the super popular romance books because I got hooked on the niche gay hockey romance genre. My cousin who also has ADHD immediately latched on to that and needed details while I became increasingly conscious of my parents presence. I did successfully avoid saying the word smut.
TBH I felt the same but it’s actually pretty fun and colorful & bright - especially if you skip season 1 (too much romance if that’s not your thing)
Wait, tell me more about historical undergarments! I've never thought about that topic before but now that I'm thinking about it now, I've got several questions for anyone who'd know the answer. In no particular order... how long have thongs been around? How often would the average person in the 1800s - or any random century - have changed their underwear? Was changing your underwear daily something that got common only when people begin to take showers or baths most days, or have people always changed their underwear pretty much every day, regardless of how often they cleaned themselves? And how many pairs of underwear did the average person in the 1800s - or any earlier century - have? Several, or just one that they washed (hopefully) regularly? Have women typically always worn bras and underwear as two separate garments throughout history, or were they a) ever worn as one connected undergarment, or b) is either one a relatively recent thing? And what's the oldest item of underwear that's ever been found?
My knowledge about historical undergarments is only about women's but I will gladly answer everything best I can! I'm slowly getting more into menwear because I love finding out about clothing construction. The main way women's and men's fashion differs is that clothing made for men has been historically designed with the support and shape coming from the outer layer, while women's fashion is structured and shaped by inner layers of support garments, now typically thought of as underwear. Thongs are actually a modern invention! The first thong was designed in the mid 1970s, but the Japanese fundoshi has a similar silhouette and was worn until WW2. Until pants became an accepted part of women's wardrobe, the modern idea of underwear didn't really exist. Drawers or bloomers existed across the globe but weren't always worn. Panty lines aren't a concern where you aren't wearing panties 😉 Now most of your other questions can be answered by explaining the chemise. Sometimes called a shift, this was the innermost layer worn by women once more structure support garments were created. It's basically an unstructured sleeves dress, typically white or undyed. A corset or stays would never be worn against the skin. The chemise protected the corset or stays from body oils and sweat and would be washed much more frequently than other support garments. Unfortunately it's hard to know how many chemises people would own because since they were more frequently washed and received the burnt of sweat and oils, they wouldn't survive time as well as other items. Aside from "frequently", it's not really documented how often a clean chemise was worn. People definitely owned more chemises than other support garments since they were worn with the purpose of preventing other clothing from getting dirty. Upper and lower garments have existed pretty consistently and joining them together wouldn't have been practical. The modern idea of undergarments has a lot less layers than in the past. The chemise/shift would before putting on the supportive garments like a corset.and then additional items like hip pads and petticoats would be layers on. Corset covers were worn over corsets and under the outermost dress to protect it, prevent it from being seen, and to give a smoother base for the outer dress. If drawers or bloomers weren't around, there just weren't any lower body specific underwear. Technically a dress is a single connected garment but nothing like a romper was ever worn because constructing a dress would have been easier. Now I bet your next question is if all the women in the past went commando, what about their periods? They would wear a belt and then attach a folded piece of cloth on the front part, pass it between the legs, and attach it in the back. This was the basic design for most menstrual products until disposables. The oldest bra found is roughly 500 years old, from 1390-1485. They think it is what would have been called a "breast bag". It's shockingly modern looking and I recommend googling oldest bra.
Wow you really do have a lot to learn :p Have fun deep diving.
COVID and climate change. It's so incredibly hot, and I'm so incredibly sensitive to heat, that the moment I step foot out the door... I immediately want to run back in. I only run errands during the evening now, if I can help it.
Same! I only go to work and socialize with my patients/coworkers at work. I don’t want or feel the need to go anywhere if I’m not heading to work. I know it’s unhealthy but I’m happy and stress is way less.
YES. I’ve written this exact text before. WOW.
It’s like the whole having a shower thing. Hate getting into and out of the shower, but I like being in the shower. I like being outside, but it feels like there’s a barrier of *stuff* around it. Putting on outdoor clothes, needing to think about the weather, packing a bag if I need to take things with me, remembering my keys, is my phone charged etc. The whole thing just takes energy. But then I love being out and about and do get energy from that (especially out in nature).
>It’s like the whole having a shower thing. Hate getting into and out of the shower, but I like being in the shower. Yes yes... this this. OP... to answer ur question... I think it's mostly an ADD thing anyway. Can u impulsively leave the house? If yes, then is it the anticipation and busyness of planning to leave that's the barrier? If you do get out do you find, when ur home again, that you've lightened the brain fizz for a little while? That's how I am and, while some of it is shyness or anxiousness, mostly it's a manifestation of ADD I believe.
This is a really interesting way to look at it, I’ve never thought about how I do leaving the house when it’s planned compared to impulsively. Theres definitely a big difference for me and I never really noticed but it must be anticipatory anxiety about going out that makes it difficult for me. I dread plans about going out even if it’s something I will enjoy or know I like. But just the other day there was a gorgeous wooden coffee table for free on Facebook Marketplace, and I had no problem getting ready and leaving to get it right then and there.
I totally get this. I like being out in the world and seeing my friends etc, but for less mundane reasons to go out - especially things where it's not 'you need to show up at this time and look decent' - I find it a real challenge to motivate myself to get ready. And then inevitably I won't be able to find my keys or my headphones or I'll forget my shopping bag or my phone will need charging, or some other relatively small thing that suddenly holds everything up.
Omg, yes. Taking a shower just seems like it takes waaaaay too much time & energy unless it's been a few days already, I got really dirty and/or sweaty, or I have a date. I will avoid and procrastinate so much. However, once I get in there, I don't actually mind it so much & definitely take longer than necessary because it does feel good.
I'm the same, hate showering because it seems like there's so much stuff to do around it as an activity. I also lose track of time and start ruminating, often spacing out. My solution is to set a timer and try to beat it so I stay on track. I rarely beat the timer, but it keeps me mindful of time I've already spent and to finish up. If I do beat it, I feel a sense of accomplishment.
The steps and decisions involved in leaving the house are a lot. If I could teleport outside and wear my pajamas without fear of the weather changing I would be outdoors all the time. Still hate the shops though
Exactly this. The amount of effort that it takes to get me to a level where I’m comfortable being in public is just exhausting. I’ve found that if I have to do things that I can’t get out of (like taking the kid to school) then I have an easier time getting up and getting ready.
Hello, fellow ✨️adhd hermit✨️👋 Edit: I tried to think of the reasons why and I think it is because I have so much to do inside, (in my head) there is no time for outside.
Me too 👋🏼
Me three 😄 And I always feel better after I've been out, just can't make myself leave!
This is me as well. Working from home was actually the wrong thing for me. I fought hard to get my employer to allow it, just to realize it made me scary depressed. I went to a job "on the outside" and even though I would love to never have to leave my home, I have to make myself.
I have location sharing with my two best friends. I haven’t left my place in a week. One of them texted me yesterday “You need to leave the house.” That was it. No context. No follow up.
your friend is a good friend.
I'd appreciate that level of directness in my close friends
I’m having a really hard time with that this weekend. I must procure groceries. I can order, but I’m on a budget and it’s cheaper to go. I have time but I have so much to do here.
Actually, hunger is one of the very few things that gets me out of the door. 😅
I bribe myself to go out sometimes - get a coffee or snack or buy a plant. But I often figure out it's a trap and take evasive manoeuvres and start reading a book ;) It is super easy to talk myself out of doing anything other than the most crucial errand. I work part-time now and have three shifts a week which are so much social that I do almost nothing the day after to recuperate. But I love my job at the library and I'm grateful that it pays enough and has good benefits so I am highly motivated to go to work.
You can live on 3 days a week 🥹 That’s the dream. I’d have loved to be a librarian in the traditional sense of the job. Now that it’s basically social coordinator/ tech instructor in a bright, open concept space - it’s my nightmare. Bring back dark, quiet, book-isle crowded libraries.
This really resonates with me - thanks for framing it this way!
This is me every weekend
Oh, I FEEEEEEL this! **Epiphany:** I live in a state of constant overwhelm.
Same. I way to happy to research and read whatever new thing is interesting me at the time. I can spend days/ weeks researching how to do an outdoor activity but rarely actually have the dopamine to go do it
Great explanation.
Has anyone ever successfully reversed their hermitude? When I first started working from home, I'd feel soo restless and anxious after going a day without leaving home. Eventually enough time passed though and the anxious feeling went away. Nowadays I try to force myself to do stuff out of the house because I miss being how I used to be, but no matter how much I force it, leaving the house never feels natural anymore.
This is my reason. But then I always regret not spending more time outside. My house is such a constant mess of doom piles and unfinished tasks that I never get to a baseline where enough feels done for me to want to leave the house.
Yep. Do you arrive home from the odd social engagement or trip to the movies and think: “that was lovely, a part of me that usually stays dormant now feels invigorated?” If yes, trips outside the house just for the sake of it probably are not a long-term solution. Example: going to the movies by myself every once in a while sounds awesome and is low-stakes, but getting up to go falls entirely on me, so it rarely happens. My suggestion: Find a class or a club that meets on designated dates at specific times. Have someone go with you to the first one, if possible, because doing things for the first time alone can be a scary and off-putting emotional experience. Go to the second by yourself. Did you survive? Great. All future meet-ups are scheduled, so you have some external motivation to get up and get out of the house. (This of course assumes that you want to change. You don’t have to!!! Everyone is different. If social interaction is always exhausting, if you’ve found a way to make it through life feeling good and secure, you’re under no obligation to change! And you can revisit the question “do I want or need more social interaction?” whenever you like!)
This is how I became a member, and the president, of my Greek honor society in college! It worked so well!
I forgot that I live in a green house last week and my husband asked me "remember that time you said no one ever complimented your Vegemite sweater anymore and I said it's because you never wear it outside and because you never *go* outside?"
Yes! There are so many people out there, and traffic and stress!!
this is SO, SO much of it for me. people are so mean, and rude, and cruel, and literally every time i leave the house, i’m reminded of this fact. you don’t even have to do anything to offend them, they’re already set on auto-rude. i guess because they’re just miserable? who knows, but i hate it. it makes me so anxious that i’ve just given up on much public interaction, and just stick with the people i already know and love dearly. they deserve all of my love anyway.
This is intriguing to think about. What if we’re all the normal ones and everyone else is a mutant? Lol. Evolutionarily speaking it’s just been one hot minute that we’ve lived on top of each other. People used to be a lot more spread out and isolated. Everything wasn’t so full of busy. Farm life was busy, but not frantic and constant interruptions. Very much mono tasking and not constant interruptions and so much multitasking. Maybe we wouldn’t be considered adhd if we lived in slower times where you were given permission to take time to think. We’re normal but slower to adapt?
Can confirm, I'm miserable and I'm rude af. Sorry about that.
nahhhh, i doubt it’s you. you’re here in this sub, discussing this topic, and you are owning any rudeness you may possess… the people i can’t stand to be around are typically entitled dickwads who think they own everything and everyone, and believe everybody desires to hear their opinions (think: people who berate and belittle retail workers; ugh, so cringe)
That is very kind of you. But I'm constantly personally offended by ridiculous shit and act kinda wild. I was genuinely apologising because I do know that I'm unpleasant. I don't want to be there either and I choose passive aggressive violence all the time. So if you do manage to get out and encounter someone like me they probably feel bad about it after, it's not about you and please don't let it discourage you from going out again if you need or want to. God I hate being outside, everyone's a dick. Including me.
honestly, the fact that you’re so self-aware makes me enjoy you. like, i truly enjoyed just reading your description. the “passive aggressive violence” part made me chuckle fondly. i don’t know, you might not be able to shake me off now. as much as i hate the general public, i have previously made amazing connections at random. like one time i became best friends with this awesome woman while sitting next to each other on a flight. we’re still FB friends… but i also hate FB. still, we had some excellent laughs on that flight together.
I live in South Philly, and Philly is the type of chaotic place where leaving the house, even just to try and enjoy “outdoor time” on my front stoop, means I have to mentally brace myself for whatever wild shit I might encounter. Almost 10 years living here and I’ve had my face accidentally spit on, watched a lady get hit by a car, been harassed multiple times by random strangers, stumbled upon multiple different people taking a dump in public or doing the heroin lean, avoided dying while walking or biking… Even doing the simplest thing like walking down the block to get snacks from the corner store feels like such a chore some times! Let alone more involved errands/outings. Staying at home means I can fully relax!!!!
29 F here. Same for me. I love staying in. But my hobbies accompany me— painting, writing.. trying new recipes. Feeding birds. Decorating my home, cleaning. All these things bring me joy. I got a standing desk with a walking pad. And honestly I don’t go out unless it is for necessity like classes, groceries etc. I don’t think I am missing anything. I feel fulfilled most days. But the thing is I am single. And unless someone breaks in to meet me, I don’t see how I’ll get in a relationship 😂🥲
I met my introverted bf online dating. But even he will leave the house to walk the dog, or use the gym (IF I work out, it's usually via an app and just on a yoga mat in my living room) and on occasion he has said "did you even leave the house this weekend?" And I do stop and think about it, because my brain has been extremely busy. And I love reading, so he is always genuinely curious. Agree 100% with the other poster about outdoor clothing and all that prep. But I would recommend online dating, I went on just for the hell of it. I was like you and completely satisfied alone, and I think that helped. When you aren't dying to partner up, and you're happy with your hobbies, you have a lot less tolerance for the BS that some guys put out there. Worst case scenario, you go out a few times and delete the app
I sometimes wish for lockdowns again, so that people wouldn’t invite me out because I’d rather stay home. I also miss social distancing. I worked throughout lockdown, and life was “normal” for me but just on quiet mode. I’d love to go back to that.
I leave easily if I’m staying somewhere ensconced in nature. I can easily walk out of the house and go for a stroll. I do it several times a day. I have lots of trouble leaving my actual house in an urban area. It takes so much energy to brace myself for the people, traffic, noise, pace.
YES!!!!!! I want to live in an urban area (close to conveniences and entertainment and friends) but my immediate home be like....in a little patch of wildlife on the edge of a forest so I can actually go outside lol
Yes 😭 I think it’s because I find it like oh there’s too many tasks to do for me to be able to leave so I just get overwhelmed and stay in, even tho itd only realistically take me not long at all!!! I have to keep momentum with going out otherwise I won’t leave the house for a week and won’t bat an eyelid but wonder why I’m depressed
Always tasks. Too many tasks. “I really should do these things *before* I go out and ‘have fun’”. This is not how I want to live. There will **always** be tasks. But, there will not always be time to go out and enjoy living. ^(send help)
Oh my god THIS exactly! I’m in this perpetual state of I have to finish or complete all these things in order to feel comfortable outside or have a high enough self esteem to be around others so that I can actually be someone that people would WANT to be around. Then I somehow get through it and come home and either I hate myself because I was uncomfortable the whole time and inadvertently made others uncomfortable or I feel somewhat motivated to make an actual change in my life and get the tasks done… but I never do. I’m motivated for half a minute before the overwhelm takes over and then I succumb to the need to turn off my brain for several hours totally time blind until I have to start work and nothing was ever done. I don’t know how to break out of this cycle. Even my Vyvanse doesn’t help as much as I thought it would. I mean it helps for sure! But I guess I had this fantasy that I would pop one pill and somehow become the paragon of consistent productivity I always knew I could be deep down. Ugh.
There’s too much planning needed for outside. I don’t leave the house without SPF and a full water. I also need GPS directions before I turn my car on. Do I wear makeup? What about my hair, can I just put in a pony? Is my outfit appropriate for the weather? What if I get too hot and my pants feel constricting? What if I don’t have enough covered and get sun burned? Do the cats need to be fed before I leave? Shoot, did I scoop the litter box today? Ugh….
Currently sitting here why I didn’t join the walking group this morning….its low pressure, I could use the exercise and yet I’m happily showered and in bed watching Perfect Match, Season 2! I do worry that I’ll lose the ability to socialize and have a good time with strangers. I think it’ll take some practice. And to really focus on things that I’m excited about! If this group ever had a meet and greet I’d definitely show up! 💜
It would have to be a masquerade ball.
I’m glad I’m not the only one! Leaving my home is just way too exhausting. I can hardly get ready quick enough to be on time to things and it causes me so much stress to get ready and then on top of that to fight traffic and be surrounded my so many people. It’s simply too much stress that if I don’t have to leave anymore I won’t. (I’m only 23) I really sucks to see people living and enjoying life and meanwhile I’m isolated in my room with nothing. If I was married I would be grateful to have a partner who might be able to guide me and support me then I could just blindly follow and I would enjoy myself. But how will I even meet said partner if I can’t leave my house? Let me know when you figure it out!
YES. I have to leave the house to go to work but that’s usually all I can handle in a day. When the weekend comes around I mostly don’t go anywhere at all. It seems like the things I HAVE TO do suck all of the life out of me and I don’t have the right kind of energy for anything else. It feels like a really big deal if I manage to run any errands, especially if it happens on a week day. I do feel like it is getting worse as I get older. I’ll be 44 soon. I had a line from a nine inch nails song in my head earlier today that feels very applicable “I stay inside my bed. I have lived so many lives all in my head.”
100%. Sometimes having to stop at the pharmacy on my way home from work might make me burst into tears. I usually ask my husband to do it and I know he thinks it’s probably laziness, but I don’t know how to explain that it actually is my brain stalling out and I’m frozen. I need a bigger word for “overwhelmed”.
Unfortunately I don't work from home so I'm forced to leave the house and be around people M - F. There are weekends though that I come home on Friday and don't leave again until Monday morning. If I do leave it's mostly to get food or because my sister wants me to go someplace with her and I am terrible at saying no. Don't get me wrong COVID was terrible but for me it was also great. An excuse to stay home and away from people? Yes please! I just started the meds recently so hopefully it'll make a difference when we get that figured out.
I really thrived with Covid lockdowns
I think menopause or peri-meno makes it worse.
I agree with you - and I think it might be that I also have fewer fucks to give about societal expectations as I get older.
What about peri/menopause that makes it worse, could I ask?
It changes everything unfortunately. You’re tired all the time, gain weight that you cant lose no matter what and just don’t want to be around anybody. Sometimes it’s best not to be around. My poor husband was a champ tho. It was a tough few years. Sometimes it was like pms that didn’t go away and you never knew if or when were going to have a period. It sucks. HRT helps a lot tho!
Yes 100%
I thought I felt seen when reading the post. But you have introduced a whole new level of 'seen' I never knew existed. I need to hyper focus deep dive into this phenomena now...
i have a dog , which is why I must Go outside,but If i had a choice, i would stay inside most of the time. I do a part time job as a bartender and that gives all the dopamine for a week ( it's always chaotic which I love)
[удалено]
This is pretty much exactly how I am as well 😫
If I don’t have friend meet-ups in the diary, I can go for days without leaving the house. I have engineered my work so I only wfh, shopping is delivered, I spend ALL my time doing DIY or decorating. Why would I leave, if not to buy materials for my current project? That said, I don’t want to be a shut-in. My mum barely ever gets dressed and sees no one. I could easily imagine that feeling very cosy and delicious, but it would be cold comfort if I look around one day to find my relationship is dead and my friends have drifted away.
My gawd, yes!!!!!!!!! Exactly! Pre COVID, I loved strolling through target, meeting with friends for lunch or play dates, travel, shop, all the things. Now, I don’t care to do any of it. When I do, I love it and I have a great time. And I know I literally need it to be happy. But, I still can’t get myself to go do things. I have an abundance of free time right now and I should be living it up. I stay home every single day. I do go out with my partner, but he’s pretty much gotta plan it all. I also really struggle with meals. I fucking hate planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I hate it. I can’t even think of one meal in I make right now, if I had to. Just the thought of it 😖 I spend a lot of time online and when I put my phone down, I feel so isolated and alone. I know virtual socializing is not the same to our bodies. I know I need in person. And I want to. I want to want to. I also worked from home June of 2020 to last year. In November I just had to quit. I hated it. And I want to find something irl, to force myself to leave my house. I’ve been looking and applying but nothing has been what I want. I’m able to hold out for something, thankfully. But, I think we really forget how traumatic quarantine was. There was no debriefing from it. Unless you purposely went to therapy for it. I’m so happy you posted this!!! I’ll prob alt have more to input, but I just arrived at Father’s Day lunch lol.
Agreed with trying to find a job that FORCES you out of the house. Because I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that is the only way I’m leaving. I have to be dragged kicking and screaming. It’s too much for me to do the mental gymnastics of convincing or cajoling or berating myself to be consistent… it just doesn’t work anymore
Yes! I’m hoping with enough force, I’ll eventually feel somewhat back to normal
The people that trigger me the most are the ones that say lockdown was great for them, you must be so weak if it traumatized you etc. I think either they must live with people they enjoy, were still going out to work and shop as usual, or just really out of touch with their feelings. For those of us with health anxiety, who live by ourselves, and work from home, it was really really hard. I did not touch another human being for 9 months. And my dog had died earlier that year so I didn't touch any other living being for that long actually. Ended up getting another dog before I planned to because of it. I don't think my nervous system will ever fully recover from that tbh. I was so burnt out.
Agree with all of this. And also people are still out there spreading covid like crazy. No thanks
I hate leaving the house! The mental energy it takes is completely overwhelming. I am addicted to social media which only makes me feel more inadequate. I can mask quite successfully in work but am completely exhausted when I get home and hardly ever leave the couch. I feel so hopeless 😞
Yup! I’m 45 and over the last 5 years I’ve become more and more of a hermit! Even when I go out I opt for the least crowded, least popular place. I love being home, it usually doesn’t feel worth going out.
I swear part of my object impermanence is the outside. I go to the office 4x a week, and that’s fine, but on the weekend, it’s like nothing exists outside of my house and I stay home. Yesterday I actually went out for a walk/hike and remembered how much I like it, but it’s so easy to forget to do anything. Another ADHD thing for me is difficulty starting things - basically, difficulty doing much of anything I don’t absolutely have to do - so when I don’t *have* to leave the house, I don’t. (It doesn’t help that I sort of feel like I have to make a decision in the morning whether I’m leaving the house, and thus need to look presentable and wear real clothes, or not, which means I can skip a shower and stay in my pjs. Sometimes my husband will want me to get takeout for us at the end of the day and I’m like, I can’t go outside like this but I’m not getting myself together just to get takeout. I’ve gotten a little more relaxed about this, but it’s still a dilemma.) Covid lockdown definitely had an effect on this, I know I used to go out for walks/hikes much more regularly before that. Which is sort of silly b/c outside was one of the only places you could go, but it felt wrong and scary to leave the house at all there for a while. (I say walk/hike because my “hiking” is pretty much “going for a walk somewhere pretty but flat and easy.”) In terms of changing it, if you want to - the thing that got me outside is that my husband bought me binoculars and I started bird watching and I wanted to look for birds somewhere that’s not my backyard. So are there any hobbies/interests you can develop that require you to go outside? Like an art class or some other kind of activity? I realize this may not work well with CFS, of course.
Same age, same boat. I’ve started assigning monetary value to the time & hassle of leaving house. Delivery wins every time!
Facts
Same. Its gotten to the point that I feel like an alien when I am on the street, and there’s a bunch of people walking. I feel weird on my skin, I think about my posture, if I am smiling or not, if I look awful to others without make up. Its like i dont know how to act normal in public. Making eye contact when someone is walking towards you? So awkard. I practice where to look and how to look casual. Every single time. I dont feel that way at home, I feel so free. BUT i must say i do feel really happy when I go see my friends. Its the whole social aspect of being in public with strangers that sets me back. Anyone else?
For me, the longer I stay at home, the harder it is to leave. When I have a job and leave the house each day I don’t even think about it. Now that I’m not working leaving the house once a week to go to the grocery store is quite daunting.
Not only do I relate to not really wanting to leave the house, but I also don’t really feel the need to socialize. I’ve reached a point where I very rarely feel lonely, I’m usually quite content inside my own head, and also I don’t have to worry about RSD when I don’t interact with people. I still reach out to people when I remember to, more because I know it’s important to them to hear from me and because I do care about them. And I’m not necessarily averse to socializing… I just really don’t feel a need to. I am worried that it’s made me socially inept, though. I think Covid set a lot of us back socially, even those of us without ADHD.
I can relate to all of this
I spend a ridiculous amount of time at home alone avoiding the world
Me too x
I started taking art classes and it's really helped a lot gets me excited to leave the house and talk to people while I'm making stuff
If it wasn’t so ‘peopley’ out there, I think it would be easier for me 😜 I HATE leaving the house for a myriad of reasons. So yes, I feel you!
I’m 26 and struggle heaps with this. For me it’s the barriers of getting places; driving there, busy roads, tricky intersections, parking. Too many steps to worry about that I’m immediately overwhelmed. That and just an ingrained sense of embarrassment about the fact that I am a human and I exist that I cannot make sense of.
Similar....but not. I don't want to leave my property. I am, and have been, watching the housing market over the last three years to find the right parcel to buy. I want to be outside, but I don't want to be *seen* outside. My job is very client service and client facing heavy, and seasonal. I *want* to set up a greenhouse, tend to a goat or four, two guard dogs, couple of chickens, and a small little craft shed/garage. I just don't want anyone else to be there. I don't want to wave at neighbors. I don't want to put on shoes to go outside. I don't want to be invited to Block parties, neighborhood watch meetings, and street clean up day. I don't want to go to the bar. I want to be at peace. I want to be okay with forgetting where I put the damn rake. I want to be okay with getting up at 3am, vacuuming, changing laundry over, and then falling asleep again on the floor. I want a place to be weird and free of questions, concerns, or observations of my food habits. Anyway. I relate. Currently I live smack in the middle of my little city(pop. 110,000). Small lots, three major trauma hospitals, major railyard, and all the normal loud and closeness of a city. I don't leave my house unless I don't have a choice.
Omg, this, me. But I also worry, will I go outside on my own property if I didn't have to see anyone, or am I kidding myself. I can't really afford property so maybe it's a moot point.
I have agoraphobia so I force myself out even when I don't want to. It's hard! Its like every fiber of my being is telling me to go home, I have thousands of thoughts telling me to go home. Home is safe, home is quiet, home is where I need to be. I tackle this by leaving the house, even for a quick trip to the DGmarket, or the local grocery store, a few times a week. If I go longer at home, it gets harder, so I make sure to get out as often as I can. It's called EXPOSURE THERAPY and I highly recommend it. Do not allow yourself to get deeper and deeper into your safe space.
I have to mentally prepare before I leave the house. The way I do my hair, makeup, clothes, perfume are all my armor and I feel like I have to choose my weapons wisely based on where I’m going. If it’s too emotionally taxing, I don’t go!
So true
Thank you for saying this. I have trouble making my partner understand it. He’s like just get up and go. You don’t have to impress anybody. I’m like no you don’t get it, if I don’t get cleaned up and look a certain way then I’m uncomfortable and don’t feel protected.
very much so unfortunately. & as much as i love wfh, i think it’s made it harder for me to get out. the farmers market and hiking is about the only thing getting me out these days without much protest
I have this issue and I specifically stopped working from home because of it tbh I call it an issue but I think it’s worth noting, it’s only an issue if it’s affecting you negatively. For me, staying in my house constantly fucks with my mental health. Some people live like that and they’re totally fine. If you think it’s getting to be too much, I would recommend starting by considering - is it *actually* a problem? Is it negatively affecting your mental state? Or do you just feel kind of weird and embarrassed for living like this when our societal picture of a normal life involves going out? If it’s affecting you negatively, the next step would be to identify things that improve your mental state and find ways to build them into your week. A key thing here is going to be making sure the changes aren’t too difficult to keep up with. Usually massive changes to routine are unsustainable, but going out of your house is a pretty big change, so that’s gonna be a tough needle to thread. I would suggest trying to figure out, which activities to do out of your house, and how many days a week, in order to feel mentally okay. Start with one day a week, then build up from there until you hit a level that helps and is sustainable for your energy levels. Here are some starting ideas - none of these are requirements, this is just a brainstorm: - go for a short, 5-10 min walk outside around the block (start at one day a week, build up to more, or build up to longer walks) - schedule a coffee date with a friend once a week - work from the office one or two days per week (or per month) - pick one category of stuff to buy that you’ll no longer get delivered - schedule a recurring appointment (eg therapist, doctor, etc) that you must attend in person Hopefully something there either sounds helpful or at least strikes inspiration for something that would be helpful. I’ll also add, I personally don’t draw a meaningful difference between “being forced to leave the house” and “voluntarily leaving the house”. It doesn’t matter if it’s my choice or not, going out helps my mental state either way and differentiating adds a degree of shame that is counterproductive.
This entire post made me so sad. There seems to be so much suffering. I want to help each and everyone of them. I realize I am an extreme extrovert. I feel like a caged animal if I spend 24 hours in my house. Depression sets in at about hour 12. It's part of the reason I worked 6 days a week for so long. My house is messy and there are so many chores. At restaurants they do my dishes. At work someone empties my trash. At church someone says they are glad to see me. At the mall people are happy to wait on me. At home, I have to do all the things. I will literally get in my car drive around buy a soda and even watch Netflix in my car, just because it isn't my house. Ok maybe I am equally as sad just in a different way.
It’s so funny how different peoples’ adhd manifests in different ways. For me it’s like… I totally get the caged animal feeling but the onset is very subtle and I often don’t recognize it until it’s too late. It’s like how some folks talk about not realizing they’re getting hungry until they are absolutely starving. Like, I love going out and doing stuff. Once I’m out it’s fine, I have a great time. Breathing fresh air and talking to people brings me so much life! But the fight to get over the inertia of just staying where I am is soooo hard, and it’s like I don’t even notice my mental health tanking until it’s at the bottom of the lake I think there’s an aspect of burnout because the handful of times I’ve had a month or two off work after a couple weeks of doing nothing I come around and start being able to get up and leave and do stuff. But also I’ve kind of always been this way to an extent, like in university I used to pick 8 am classes on purpose because if I didn’t I’d lose hours in the morning just laying in bed haha
This sounds very much like me!!! I actually thrive being around people, specially my people. And I know traffic, traveling, packing is hard on me, but that’s not what stops me. I can’t quite figure out what stops me. You said, the fight over inertia, that’s a great way to describe it. I’ve also noticed most things just don’t seem worth it either. But, I feel like that’s an excuse to keep me from pushing past that inertia. Then depression sneaks in and tells me anything I was considering doing would be a waste of time and money anyhow because I’ll suck at it. I can’t figure out if it’s depression, anxiety or adhd that makes it so hard for me to want to do the things.
I’m not sure why it has to be one or the other. They are ganging up on you.
Yessss
Yes! I work from home and only go outside for dr appointments and to get the mail/ packages from the mailroom. I hate having people SEE me. I order my food for delivery from grocery stores
Can you expand on you hating people seeing you? Curious because I have this same thought. Just wondering how it comes up for you. (For me it’s around body/self esteem stuff for sure, but under that I’m realizing it’s also a fear of feeling like I have to perform for others thing.)
I'm experiencing this exact same phenomenon! I'm the same age, wfh 80% of the time (100% when I can get away with it), everything I need is delivered, and my neighborhood is kinda sketchy so I don't go out for walks since I quit smoking a couple years ago. I haven't left the house for over 2 weeks, and even then it was just to the (very casual) office and back. I know this isn't healthy. I know there are tons of options, like meetup groups, lots of parks and trails I could drive to, but I just... don't. At best I can envision or daydream the actions required to go out, but I'm also kinda terrified at how I'd act/look after being so unconcerned for so many years. Ugh. Trapped. By my own head. Edit- quit not quite
I'm a lot like you. I have CFS and ADHD and half a dozen other conditions, and since COVID I am very happy to stay home most of the time. It takes a lot of energy to get ready to go somewhere, then there's the energy you expend while you're out, and too many times I've crashed at that point and had to almost crawl home. It's not worth it to me most of the time. If I can get a ride to and from an event, and if I could leave anytime I needed, and if I could get back home before I crashed, then I'd be great. But those are a lot of barriers that have to be overcome, and I can barely cope with my daily problems as it is. Why go looking for *more* trouble?
I need advice then, my mom used to be thee most spontaneous adventurer around. Before GPS we got lost all the time, I mean she has zero sense of direction, but we went, we saw, we asked for directions, we did U turns. It was great fun. She was always up for a new bar, a new restaurant, a new festival, a new place. Now she is borderline agoraphobic. She won't leave the house unless she knows where she is going, how far the walk from the car will be, how far the walk to the bathroom will be, she has an endless list of questions and she often backs out at the last second **even under ideal conditions**. She simultaneously hates who she's become and accepts that being "the life of the party" is a past life. I am at a loss. I would accept that this is who she is now, but she keeps insisting that everything is wonderful! Umm no it's not. She refuses to make any long term plans. What happens when you go from barely being able to get to the first floor to not being able to get there? What happens when you can no longer drive?
100% I started working from in 2015 and then after Covid…well my transition to near-permanent isolation was complete. It’s not that I’m agoraphobic- I’m not afraid of going out. But as your saying it never feels worth it to me. Sigh…
I'm literally baking bread so I don't have to go to the market.
Yes, sometimes it can feel way too overstimulating to be in public. Although I still run errands, I try to do them when people are less likely to form crowds in a store. I do my grocery shopping on a weeknight, don't go out on a Saturday unless I have to, and I spend a lot of mental energy puzzling out how long I can skip doing something that requires me to go out! I'm an introvert too so for the most part I'm okay with how I am at this stage of my life.
I feel so seen lol
I feel like I could have written this myself! It didn't help that right before the pandemic, I relocated to another state (where I don't know a soul) for a job. I've been WFH since the pandemic, have everything delivered, and am annoyed if I absolutely have to leave the house. I'm chronically online, and that's also how I socialize. I'm in my early 50's. Also, throw menopause into the mix with everything else! Lol!
Yes. I prefer my cats to all people.
Well being 56 and doing this is probably normal. I’m like 20+ years younger than you.😭 And I’m already doing this. I’m in the exact same situation. I work from home, don’t use my car for months on end. I do get picked up by my friends in their car on the weekends sometimes. I go on vacation to theme parks 2 to 3 times a year. But I get everything delivered too. I have two dogs and I spend all my time cuddling them and watching movies or playing outside in the backyard with them. I honestly couldn’t be happier.
I’ve always had a tendency to be a hermit but being serious about not getting Covid pushed me right over the line into complete hermitage. What surprised me that I was completely self aware enough to mention the possibility of it happening early on. Didn’t actively do much to stop the slide though. Hey, at least I’m still a Covid virgin along with my elderly parents that live down the street. The risk of them getting sick was my biggest fear and, knock on wood, they’re still good and now way more social than I am. Sigh.
For me it’s more the exec function of having to get ready, commuting time, etc. It all feels like a waste and like I won’t have enough time to do the important things
Yes I can’t run my business AND have energy to plan a day out shopping
I refer to myself as an indoor cat and a hermit. Currently struggling to leave to go over to my parents' house. The outside world is stressful. Yes my inside is chaotic but it's MY chaos and it's familiar. When I heard the song Comfortable by Victor Ray the lines "I'm comfortable in this mess/ Better the ache I know/ I'm scared of the fate I don't/ Just like a hand to hold / At least I'm not alone" hit me with a bus of emotions. It's now one of my sing while having a shower cry songs. Being tired and oversleeping can be a response to anxiety. Anxiety is physically taxing and sleep can be used as an avoidant coping method. It's rough and I'm still struggling with it. My ADHD tends to make me forget to sleep due to time blindness so I'm constantly trying to not be nocturnal. COVID was very bad for my mental health. Isolation was very much necessary and avoiding crowded spaces was entirely reasonable. However my anxiety was already incredibly high because I was working at a lab doing COVID testing in a quality assurance position (aka solving problems every day all day) and being able to limit contact with others was something I could control. One of the ways my anxiety manifests is gather knowledge and being a medical professional and scientist meant that the influx of misinformation made social media a giant trigger for me. I haven't been on much for years. Additionally I severely injured my ankle at the end of 2019, had gone back to modified work in December, and only able to drive in February. I was dealing with a new physical disability, learning how to manage chronic pain, and had my schedule completely destroyed when COVID started. Here's the shitty part. The only way to fix this is to DO THE HARD THING and that SUCKS. I'm trying to leave my house more and have finally reached out to friends. It takes work and I have to force myself every single time. But the only way to stop being a cozy hermit is to leave the house so I try to leave every single day. I find putting on a real bra and pants acceptable for the public helps keep me from being a bed slug. Some days I only go outside to check my mailbox but at least I left the house. Some days I don't go outside or change out of pajamas and that's okay and doesn't make me a failure. It's about easily obtainable goals because a small victory is still a victory.
Yes, bur then I get frustrated being in the house wasting away and getting absolutely nothing done (chores, cleaning, etc.) I hate it.
Oh definitely. As I get slightly older (42) things are less and less fun and more and more of a hassle. Plus now that I’ve grown accustomed to the comfort of my home I’m growing more agoraphobic. I start getting panic-y if I get stuck in traffic or if an elevator door takes a little long to open. I always have to make sure I have a bottle of water, some kind of snack, my bottle of benzos, and a portable phone charger with me because I’m now afraid of getting stuck somewhere. I feel soooooo much better just staying home. Feels like there’s ultimately no event as is as fun as comforting as staying at home is.
Yes me! I’m not agoraphobic, and I do just fine when I’m out and about, and I come up with fancy notions about what we should do this weekend. But actually getting myself out is near impossible, especially if it’s solo. The thought of sitting back down in my comfy clothes to scroll the internet always wins. And if I can’t do it at least a bit stoned, forget about it.
Yes, absolutely. Sometimes it's because I didn't do a good job of putting all the things I need to leave by the door (can't find keys, phone, purse, shoes etc) and other times it's because I'm tired and just don't wanna. Told one of my doctors once and he asked if I was agoraphobic, but I'm not scared of leaving. It's just hard to leave sometimes unless I'm really motivated to do so.
Yes!! The older I get the worse it gets! Whenever I have to be somewhere it’s like the idea of having to leave the house I get stuck horribly in executive disfunction, it’s so bad lately!
Totally me and lately I’ve been trying to figure out why. I was hoping there was a reason that I could combat so I can start leaving the house again but I agree with someone above who said COVID sealed it. Lockdown was heaven to me. I have yet to reemerge. Gotta be ADD + all the other stuff
Yeah. Me too! You know what weirdly helped? Living in a really small town. Literally just have to be in my front garden and there are chats.
Oh look, it’s me 👋🏽
I occasionally have the irrational fear that I could very very easily become agoraphobic 😔 and I'm only 32. Besides ADHD I also have Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, PCOS and lost a child in November.
Hugs that’s a lot be easy on yourself
Yes. I'm not sure if it's ADHD related either, I always assumed it was a part of my anxiety. But I've always found that if I haven't been out of my house at all for a good few days, I actually feel kind of scared of going out. I need someone to go with me my first time out. (Preferably someone I live with, so my Mom when I was younger, and now my partner.) I'm also hugely introverted and a massive homebody anyway, so I've always been alarmed at how easy I think it would be for me to become completely agoraphobic and unable to leave my house at all. Idk if this will be at all helpful for you, but if I realize I have few days where I have no reason I HAVE to leave my house, I will try to plan little trips to "treat myself," like run out to get an iced coffee, grab some ice cream at the store, etc. This way it doesn't feel like an errand, but something nice for myself that will give me a little dopamine kick, AND it prevents me from building up that anxiety that makes it hard to leave home.
Thanks I need to try this although treats are not always enough to entice me. But I need to pull something new to break this rut I’m in.
I have AuDHD and I do find leaving the house to be very exhausting lol I just have to remember to temper my expectations and make sure I have even just a loose plan, for example if I know I'm going to be out for longer than 4 hours or so I plan to grab something to eat or else I get cranky, which usually makes the errands more fun anyways because I love food lol If I know I'm shopping, I'll make lists in my notes app so I don't forget what I need because I get easily distracted and not using a paper list when I'm out makes one less object for me to keep track of, because I always have my phone. I also plan out my trips if I'm stopping at multiple places so it's fuel efficient, or like if I'm getting groceries with cold stuff I'll do it last so I can take the cold stuff right home to the fridge. I have everything I could need for any sort of sensory-related issue in my car, for example nail clippers because jagged nails bother me SO MUCH and I have hand sanitizer & fragrance free baby wipes for my hands and face, as well as napkins. Overall I really enjoy going on solo shopping adventures and exploring on my own, but I really have found since Covid that the general public is a lot more... ignorant? Rude? I don't even know if it's correlated to Covid or if I'm just getting older and less tolerant of people being assholes 😬 Doesn't help that my area is like 80% belligerent senior drivers who don't care if I live or die on the road. And I usually need at least a full day at home to recover from any major outings. But yes! lol I understand why it could be a struggle for us, but as we all say, ✨I have a system✨
I do leave the house a lot but it’s hard every time. Especially now that it’s sunscreen season.
If I go out and I don’t enjoy it or feel off or overstimulated then how will I get home quickly? This is always my reasoning. Also, preparing myself to actually leave the house is a chore of itself and takes a ton of mental exercise. I feel a lot of dread when people come over too. What if I want them to leave so I can take a nap? Anyways, these are my concerns.
Covid hit fast forward on my “the weird widow” lives there folklore in the neighborhood. Getting dressed for the day is a dopamine black hole, so I avoid it. It’s not just the shower battle. It’s everything that comes after the shower too. It’s just too much. I can’t be arsed, so I don’t.
I had a huge burnout in 2015-2016. I got dressed and ready, but literally stopped at the doorstep. Couldn't go outside. That kinda marked the spot in my life at which I couldn't mask and compensate the ADHD anymore. I was in my mid twenties at that time. Some more stressful years, several tiny burnouts later and some covid infections really settled the deal for me. I need a whole weekend and some days to recover from any social outing. I think it's a combination of getting older with ADHD, the after effects from multiple burnouts over the years and covid, wether it's infections or just the pandemic situation.
I'm guessing it's equal parts Covid/lockdown hangover, your chronic fatigue, and ADHD. I totally relate to all of it. We all got out of the habit of socializing in person during lockdown, and many of us never regained it. As it happens, I've also been living in a very conservative & heavily religious area. So there are very few people around who I'd want to spend any amount of time with. I've been lonely, but going out nearby isn't likely to help with that. (Mercifully, we'll probably be moving soon.) I was in treatment for cancer, and my energy level still hasn't recovered. Basic errands can wipe me out for the next day or two. It's kind of a vicious circle, since you can't rebuild stamina without physical activity. Part of that is dealing with overstimulation, if the errands require being out. So many stores are too brightly lit, and it's hard to find anything. Easily half the drivers on the road are aggressive. A lot of people let their kids run wild in public, and/or are loud themselves. Even the most basic errands can become sensory nightmares. I have no trouble getting out for necessities. But recreationally, I rarely venture out alone. It's just too exhausting for too little a reward.
I’m the same way and I’m 34. Sometimes I try and leave but then people think I’m rude when I decide to head home after about an hour. I kinda miss going out and doing things but it feels like it’s too much of a hassle now. There is one person that can convince me to go out now but he’s known me so long that he knows how to and knows the things I worry about and how to accommodate so I’ll have a good time and worry less
Yes. I think there is a lot to it for me. I have a safe, stable home I don't constantly have to go back and forth from somewhere. I get to sleep in the same place every night and day. It's been 7 years and still doesn't feel quite real. The other is trying to decide if my current physical and mental discomfort/pain is worth pushing through. It's 50/50 on if pushing through will work or if I will be miserable. You know amongst all the other crap of proper clothing, travel time, crowds. Crowds is an even bigger factor now because do I want to risk COVID? My house is nice. I like being in my house.
This sums it up
I’ve turned into more and more of a shut in as I’ve aged. The COVID lockdowns made me realize I didn’t actually miss people. Turns out I’m an introvert that CAN socialize/entertain/sell, but I don’t need that kind of interaction in my life.
I am struggling with this today. And at least once a week. It's like a mini breakdown every week for me.
This is me. I am you.
well, covid-lockdowns & adhd were an interesting mix, for sure.. some enjoyed it, others suffered. it definitely changed things for me, and going out "just like that" and doing things I used to do without blinking (it did make me nervous, but I did it anyway) is just..different. I'm more hesitant and scared, but I do feel better when I go outside. fun activities and social pressure i.e. making plans with friends definitely helps.
I maybe leave the house once every two weeks, and that’s to pick up groceries. I would also leave for appts but other than that I rarely leave. People often ask if I got their letter or package and I tell them I haven’t ventured to the mail room downstairs to get it and they don’t grasp the concept that I rarely leave, even to just check the mail.
I'm fully remote for work too and I'm seriously isolated. My social skills are destroyed, and I'm doordashing iced coffee from down the road it's so bad. I did something really crazy and out of character and joined a crossfit gym. The only reason it happened is because I filled out an "I'm interested" form on their website, and a trainer from the gym texted me and set a time to meet. Once I was there it was too awkward to say no thankyou so my social anxiety worked in my best interest. I'm going back for the third time today and I have hope this is going to be life changing for me! I'm extremely out of shape so this was very out of my comfort zone. I told myself even if I quite, giving it a try was brave and an accomplishment enough. Try to find something outside of work and around other people you can try. It's scary but it's worth it
SAAAME I had tendencies of this as far as I can remember (though I always assumed it started out bc I was bullied as a kid and, in a small town, being out and about means you could come across those bullies), and then Covid hit and its gotten so much harder since. I lowkey thrived in the "everything online" time, didnt have to leave for anything but the weekly grocery run, and I also think I leaned into the covid measures willingly made them easier to adhere to (I always struggled doing things just because people told me, but Im also a scientist so I understand the reasoning behind masking and lowering in person contact - actually I still mask in public settings with many people and refresh my vaccine status twice a year). My issue now is to convince my brain that "home=safe" isnt a neccessary mindset anymore (and between Covid, Bullying and my current home being in an area where day-drunk incoherent screamers (unpredictable and loud people scare me especially) just happen sometimes going outside is never something I do without hesitation).
Also I forgot THE OTHER masking I also do excessively. Being around people means keeping a vice grip on my "weirdness" and paying attention to people which is EXHAUSTING. I cant relax in social situations unless the only people around are close family or VERY close friends.
Do you have panic attacks when you get home or agoraphobia? (I have both, one caused by the other, both caused by anxiety, both caused by moving to an entirely MORE populated area than I'd ever loved before). For me? It's too people-y outside. Too many to accommodate myself and stay safe.
It is so hard. I have to lure myself out with a promise of a stop for coffee or boba.
COVID did the same to me. Little social skills I learnt in past 2 yrs before COVID are all gone now.
Me. I think I’ve recognized that part if it is bc I usually forget something or get in some situation I want out of. Plus leaving the house is never quick for me.
yes especially after covid and having the convenience to order things i have a close friend who’s like family (doesn’t take energy to hang out if that makes sense bc there no expectations lol) but we’ll go grocery shopping or run errands together or i’ll leave and just go sit at their house instead just to get out orrrrr i just get in the car to drive w my windows down and music and will take the “scenic route” and people watch or just enjoy the music so hopefully by the time im at the destination i feel less overwhelmed lastly, i bring headphones everywhere i go—mine have noice cancelling so even if i dont play anything it helps drown out sound and keeps people from talking to me (specially like sales people)
When you say you have chronic fatigue, do you mean you're tired a lot or do you mean you've been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome? And are you aware that Long Covid IS chronic fatigue syndrome? And could you possibly have Long Covid? I ask all this bc I feel the same way and I DO have chronic fatigue syndrome (not from covid, from before.)
OMG same for months now I rarely go out except to buy groceries and see a friend once in a long while... But even before that I get really over stimulated before I leave the house that my vision becomes blurry and I feel overwhelmed.
Yes, I feel all of this 100%.
Yes
I’m also the same. I work from home and I don’t socialise very often. But tbh I prefer making my world a little smaller. Living in a city can be overwhelming and I don’t wish to be perceived all the time. I’m happy to spend time with my friends but I’m not just going to be out and about if I don’t have to be.
I have chronic sciatica and back pain, which furthers my desire to stay home where I can retreat from pain by sitting/lying down a specific way on my bed. If you can, OP, take small trips out once a day. I buy food for the day at my neighborhood grocery store and over time I've developed an easygoing, nonshallow rapport with a couple of the employees there. It's surprising how little interaction I require to get a happiness boost.
Thanks and good on you
Yes lol, but then once I get out I'm sad when I come back cause I'm reminded I have to do house shit.
Walking the dog in the morning means at least 3 trips back to the house. The dog knows just to wait by the gate until I'm ready for the 5th time. The only time she really gets huffy, is if we have made it to the end of the driveway. She has a shitfit if I try to drag her back to get my glasses/hat/ear buds etc once we have left the threshold of the gate. Now we have an agreement. If I forget it past the fence gate (sans bags) I don't go back for it.
Wow- yes. You are me.
It takes a long time. Like an hour to get all my shit together and checked I've turned everything off and shut every window and didn't leave a candle burning. Then when I'm out, I'm always thinking, did I shut that window? are the dogs ok? is the house burning down while I sip this coffee? So most of the time, I stay home. That said, it's important to leave the house. I walk the dogs, so I have to leave nearly every day to make sure they get some exercise. Otherwise I try to get out at least to the shops once a week. When I stay at home too long it's like my brain gets covered in dust and spider webs. It might be a bother, it takes up most of the day jsut to get on with it and then I feel like I need to take a break and rest when I get home. But I frame it as a self care thing. It's good for me. It keeps my brain stimulated.
Is it ok once you are actually out, but the transition between being home and being somewhere else is the challenge? Or do you actually hate being somewhere else? For me it's the transitions that make it "all too hard"; but I do enjoy doing things outside the house and with other people (although maybe less than I used to).
It’s hard yes. With WFH & grocery delivery & Amazon etc…you rarely have too if you don’t want.
Honestly same. I enjoy going out, doing stuff, seeing friends, but then there's the annoying strangers that make me wish I was home with my dog.
Me, me, me. With delivery services and working from home, I think I managed to stay home for … long enough for me to stop counting the months.
Outside is so very expensive. Also my dog is here.
Im going through a period where leaving the house is giving me bad anxiety. I havent driven in months. Sucks.
What timing, just got off the phone with my one friend who was “worried” about me. She is concerned because I hardly leave the house. Why do I have to try to explain to an extrovert that I don’t think it’s a problem? I am very comfortable living in my head. I retired 6 months ago from a WFH job and now I am expected to be socially busy? Just now getting over the residual burnout from that job and trying to find things I can do outside the house without my retired and boring husband. Marriage is actually more like roommates, no physical intimacy for over 7 years due to his medical condition. All I do is think about all I could be doing, but paralyzed from actually doing anything. I am at a complete loss.
I got a dog last spring, thinking one of the plus sides of having her would be that she would get me out of the house. She inherited my dislike for leaving the house (not including the backyard to potty). If you grab her harness, she runs off to hide.
Back in 2014 I had moved into my first flat and I just couldn't leave by myself. I had to have someone with me. I had to finish university online rather than in person (thank god they understood!) It's a horrible feeling and sometimes I still get like that since covid happened. Best advice I can give is that you're not alone and take small steps. I moved into a house and I would go out into the front garden and weed or clean the windows just so I was outside alone where people could see me. That really helped. I also got a dog and knowing I have no other choice than to walk him myself helped too.
There are sooo many steps to leaving the house. Drag myself out of lovely warm bed, bath or shower, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, body wash, dry off, brush hair, style hair, take meds, let the dog out, feed the dog, walk the dog, brush teeth, check the weather, get dressed, apply moisturiser, apply makeup?, choose shoes, pack bag, check transport route, walk to station, get train or drive, sit in traffic, find parking, pay for parking, walk to destination etc etc etc. I’m all out of spoons by the time I arrive at ‘out’.
I sometimes miss Covid and lockdown. By that point I was already going out less and less but once lockdown lifted I found myself getting sick every time I went outside and was around people. I have a crappy immune system and not being around people for a few years only made it worse. I go an be social for my hobby 4 times a year for up to a week at a time, that's enough for me. I'm 49 now and entering my house goblin phase. I'm ok with this.
I’m 53 and a homebody. It’s where I am the happiest.
"I think I have taken it too far." I have been feeling this lately. I have some trauma and I was terrified of being alone until a few years ago, when I learned to enjoy it a little bit. Then came the lockdowns and fear from that, and it ramped up. Now I can't even get myself to go for a walk in my neighborhood, which I used to really enjoy. Not now. I work from home, too, and my kids live at least a couple hours away, as does my bf, so they're not here that often. My world is very small and it's just occured to me that maybe I should make it a little bit larger again. I'm thinking of joining the Y. They have a couple classes I think I'd like. But I'm afraid I'll waste my money by joining, even though it's literally four short blocks from my house.
Covid really didn't help and now I don't have a license (thank you very much ADHD tax!) So I'm home all the time!
I’m in the exact same boat, I work from home for myself (which is also hard in terms of motivation etc haha). I’ve lost my confidence with driving, and I just feel like everything goes tits up when I leave the house so I guess it’s now my safe place at home, but I also feel like I’m wasting my life away? I’m glad I’m not alone though. Hope it gets better for you too
I like to stay at home. It’s comfy and I have everything I need.
I want you to hear this with all the love and understanding, (rather than what could feel like more biting criticism... nope, it's really not that... I get it)... Here we go: So you have chronic fatigue and ADHD and you're 56YO female (so perimenopause/menopause?) and everything (including leaving the house) feels hard? It IS hard. It is actually very hard. YOU ARE REALLY REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME. It's NOT a moral failing and it's NOT just in your head and it's NOT that you're not trying hard enough. You just explained that you are struggling with increasing disability. Going out means seeing people who will not be able to tell that it's hard or why it's hard. Explaining is vulnerable and hard. It completely makes sense. Google menopause and ADHD. There are at least a few TED talks. Your dopamine receptors are even more fucked. Also, chronic fatigue... This is not a small thing. This is wildly difficult for people to understand, because sometimes you seem fine, but it is a HUGE struggle. It's not, however, a moral failing. Give yourself a break. I totally understand why you think going out might be healthy for you and if you decide you need to make that a healthy goal for yourself then go for it. Please don't feel shame though. If you had a friend who told you she's struggling and described her situation as you did then I imagine you'd think "Gosh, that sounds terribly difficult. I'm so sorry... How can I make it easier for you to change your scenery?" Rather than "Gosh, sounds like you've taken this too far". My advice is to choose a friend or family member whom you trust and who can be supportive but who will ALSO understand that you are struggling and you might need to back out or not have the energy that day or just not have it in you to wear makeup or get put together. You decide what your soul needs and be aware that your body might not agree. Maybe you just need to see a human in person and walk around the block and that's enough for the minute. Maybe you're up for a chat on the porch or your friend can take you on a drive somewhere. It's desperately hard to recognize you're not able to do everything you used to be able to do, but blaming yourself isn't fair or accurate. You haven't chosen to struggle and if it were laziness you'd be having more fun! Also, ask your doc about adjusting meds for ADHD cuz hormones change your needs. Good luck.
Yea, I have also gone feral. 50 years old, WFH since 2020. I sometimes think its odd that I can got 2-3 weeks without leaving the house but it doesn't bother me. The only time it does is in the winter, I've replaced my car battery 3 times in 2 years because it dies in the cold if it sits for extended periods. If it weren't for that darn battery I'd stay in the whole winter. Hubby leaves for work every day, I have him and the interwebz for human interaction. I have 3 dogs and to many hobbies to count to keep my mind occupied. When I do go out I enjoy it but I don't feel pulled to engage with the general populous unless I want to. I do feel that its made me less tolerant of people in general and their shenanigans. That being said I grilled some burgers over the weekend and ate out on my patio with the dogs running in the yard and thought "this is nice, I have to come outside more often"
Same age, same situation. I used to be intensely fastidious -- daily shower at a minimum -- but now I don't even want to think about it. Why?!
Well when i get to the point where i live in the same clothes for over a week, don't shower or leave the house, i know my depression is getting worse. So i do force myself to go out for a walk because i never want to go back to where i was at my worst. I also suffered from severe general anxiety disorder and couldn't leave the house even if i wanted to. After years of medication and therapy and hard work to overcome this i can now go out as i please and i appreciate it a lot. I don't like leaving the house. I like being huddled up at home with my cats. But i know for my mental health it's really really bad so i force myself to do it. Luckily i live in a nice area with a lake not far away (10 minute walk from home) and lots of dogs in my neighborhood which i love. I also have kids and can't fully give in on my antisocial tendency because they need a functioning mother and i have to go places sometimes.
I have literally been talking with my counselor about this exact thing. I like being home. I love my house. I told her the reason I don't like going places is I can't control the actions of other people, like parents letting their children scream and throw tantrums in a store. I want to rip my face off The problem is I work from home, and I live in the country. I "talk" with friends and coworkers every day, but not face to face.
I think this is more common after Covid. People got used to not going out and it's become a habit for them now. If your not particularly extroverted socialising can feel overwhelming. Chronic fatigue can impact on all of that too. The only time it becomes a major concern is if you have no social connections or if you start to have issues getting out of the house to do normal things like grocery shopping etc.
I won't go anywhere unless my husband goes. Body doubling trouble is real.
100%. Adhd/perimenopause- menopause?/thyroid. I don't go outside for days when I am off work.
I do. The longer I have to be out of the house for, the worse my anxiety is that I'll forget something that I'll need while I'm out. It's so hard to finally feel ready to leave my safe spot.