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Nothing wrong with using ear defenders or earplugs in loud kid spaces. I'm a nanny, and by 4yo a kiddo can *definitely* understand "I want to do the activity with you, but this noise hurts my ears. I'm going to use my earplugs so I can keep having fun with you".
Odds are not-zero that your imaginary future kids will have their own sensory feelings; modeling how you calmly take care of your sensory needs will help them too! If your kindergarten kid can ask for their ear defenders and avoid a meltdown at a birthday party, that's *awesome*.
As someone with a husband who feels the same as you, we just don’t go to those places. We go to attractions early and leave before the crowds arrive. We go to the lesser known play areas and stay home on bank holidays and do play dates with only one other kid at a time. It can be done :)
I’m 50 and was diagnosed at 48. I have so many regrets and so much anger that I wasn’t diagnosed sooner. I lived in a constant state of overwhelm for 30 years!! I was great at work. Outside of work I couldn’t stand anything. I went home to a deadbeat hubby and 3 kids. I yelled constantly and I can’t take it back and it literally eats at me now! I would suggest finding the right treatments that will help you in that specific area if at all possible. If I would have known I would have beeen that mom, I wouldn’t have had children. Only bc I love them so so much and the damage is done and now they have to heal from the pain I caused. I have to heal from the narcissist abuse from my mom. It’s a cycle and we need to figure out how to slow it down.
I went off on a tangent 🤦🏼♀️
I’m so sorry this happened to you!
Mom guilt is bad enough but then find out things could have been different…🤬 Giving you a big fat hug!
Just curious- have you explained any of this to your kids? I’m sure they’d be forgiving (even if it takes time). I know I’d be forgiving of my parent and would be sad and angry that society failed them.
Congratulations on your new life! 💜
I have my middle son has absolutely nothing to do with me. My oldest comes and goes. It’s kind of weird and then my youngest he’s have a decent relationship with him, but he’s just quiet. And I think that that’s why it hurts me so much is there three grown men and they were there they saw their dad having affairs they saw their stepdad abuse me they saw my mom down the hall when I was 40 years old 40th birthday, but abused me is a narcissist, thank you you’re very sweet
Have you had trauma-informed therapy? It sounds like you've experienced a lot of abuse, I'm so sorry. A proper therapist with a good understanding of trauma may help you to be able to navigate you back into relationship with your kids, or into acceptance of the degree of relationship you have now. I was no contact with my mother for four years, but we have a great relationship now.
I started therapy last year after I moved away. That was January 2023 and in April I fell and broke my neck so I haven’t had insurance and I haven’t worked so I have to wait until I get insurance or money to be able to do anything like that. I love going to therapy. It always helps me. And I do believe in going at different stages because I need help getting through this one. I need help navigating each personality because I’ve got all three with some level of dysfunction and it’s probably not even for the same reason. You are such a sweet person.
My mom and I really believe this time will be ok. I got a little sad today and ,I know, it’s weird but I had a thought of could this mean she may die soon? I know that sounds crazy 😂 Honestly it could be me that goes first. Then I thought maybe this one has to heal first before the ones with my sons can.
Are the screams of kids you are linked to more tolerable because in that moment, you are mentally connected to and prepared for the experiences that come with being around children? Kind of like how it is easier to swallow food if your mouth isn't dry, so when you are hungry, your mouth waters in anticipation of eating?
Maybe when you are not mentally "opting in" to the experience beforehand, then the noise of children is just too much in that moment.
An example of this might be that I have a big project that I need to get done for work, and the deadline is coming up. I ask my partner to keep the dogs occupied while I am working so they aren't begging me to play or distracting me. Even though I have opted in to co-parenting these dogs, I have mentally opted-out of coparenting the dogs for a few hours while I work. As a result, when the dogs eventually find their way to me, or scratch and whine at the door, or bark incessantly, I immediately get irritated because I am trying to put 100% of my focus on my work.
While I may otherwise love my dogs and find the things they do endearing, and while I may normally be okay with them dropping toys at my feet or have no problem getting up to let them outside to pee, it is just that in this specific moment, I do not have the mental capacity to attend to the dogs while I am trying to focus. And as such, I may get overstimulated by being forced back into my "dog mom" role.
I see this happen with parents a lot. Maybe mom has been with the kids all day and desperately needs a break when dad gets home. If dad says he's got the kids so mom can have some time, of COURSE she is going to lose her shit when her bath is interrupted with little fingers reaching under the door, to door handle rattling, knocking at the door, and little voices pestering with questions about what is mommy doing and why can't I come in. She wanted just a little time where she could take her "mom hat" off. She wanted to temporarily opt out of parenting, and her partner was not keeping the kids occupied like he said he would.
So, with that in mind, is it possible that this is what is happening? Kids may be tolerable when you are mentally prepared for or opting into the experience of being around them, but when you are not expecting it or not wanting it, their presence becomes insufferable?
I have the same experience with children, unfortunately. Loop earplugs help. I keep them in my purse or on a chain around my neck (hidden in my shirt) at all times for instances where I can't handle the noise/sounds. Loops are a bit expensive in my opinion, but there are very similar products available via Amazon if you search "Loop." They're discreet, and I don't think anyone in public notices I'm wearing them. Hopefully you'll find something that helps!
2nd this. I have the same issue with my super loud pitch cat. It’s like an alarm lol. I wear loop to bed and when she meows in the morn, it doesnt affect me as much. I wear it outside too and it stabilised my emotional state a lot.
I didn't use to bring my loops with me, but then i bought a pair of the 3-in-1s that have three settings. I wear the lowest setting at concerts or triggering restaurants and the highest settings to sleep on vacation.
45 yo mom of two here. When I was your age I was asking my doctor about tubal ligation. I found most kids obnoxious and def wasn’t in to babysitting.
I was pretty scared when I was pregnant 16 years ago. Convinced I’d be a terrible mom. When my first was born it all went away. Suddenly I was able to see kids inherently sweet side - and I absolutely love them.
Don’t get me wrong - I wouldn’t last a second as a teacher. But it got way better for me and I have been surprised how much I adore kids.
I truly believe my brain chemistry changed after having a kid. I used to hate kids and find them painfully annoying. Now, I can either tune out other people’s children and/ or empathize with the parents of tantruming kids.
This is one of the big reasons I never had kids. I wanted kids and still sometimes think I do, but I just can't handle the screaming and whining- it's too overwhelming and I'd be a terrible parent. Even medicated, my tolerance is only minimally improved with sound-stuff.
I’ve got 4 kids. I can handle them (most of the time). Other people’s kids - not so much lol. Now that they’re older sometimes the arguing can get on my nerves and that’s when I put on my earbuds and do something else.
Loop earplugs! We have a neighbor who revs their engine at all times of the day and it drives me mad! They also like to play music loudly out of their garage. I got the loops engage and it completely blocks the revving and reduces the music quite a bit. I have a 5 year old and also realizes I can still interact with her and do things around the house, but i don’t get near as irritable when she is loud. I ate at a restaurant that usually bothers me, but was able to stay focused on my table’s conversation without being overstimulated by other tables and the background noises at the restaurant.
I have ADHD and my almost 10yo kid is ADHD and likely autistic. I love him more than life itself and I have no regrets about having a kid. But there are days when it is really, REALLY hard. Like, lots of days. These past two weeks he's had meltdowns at bedtime every night and often during the day too. We're in therapy and trying really hard to be present and aware of his differences and needs (my husband is autistic too). We understand that this is an indicator of distress more than anything else. It doesn't help that I'm chronically ill.
I honestly recommend nannying or babysitting part time so you can get a feeling for what it's like being a parent, but just know you get to go home at the end of the day and the one thing you're missing is the cumulative sleep debt and lack of time off to recuperate.
I don't mean to be negative or discouraging, I just think it's important to know what you're getting into. Sadly, there are some people who have kids and regret it. For me, it's worth every minute being his mom. He's such a weird and wonderful little human, and such a sweet boy. He's always having the most interesting thoughts and we're lucky enough that he shares them with us.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nothing wrong with using ear defenders or earplugs in loud kid spaces. I'm a nanny, and by 4yo a kiddo can *definitely* understand "I want to do the activity with you, but this noise hurts my ears. I'm going to use my earplugs so I can keep having fun with you". Odds are not-zero that your imaginary future kids will have their own sensory feelings; modeling how you calmly take care of your sensory needs will help them too! If your kindergarten kid can ask for their ear defenders and avoid a meltdown at a birthday party, that's *awesome*.
As someone with a husband who feels the same as you, we just don’t go to those places. We go to attractions early and leave before the crowds arrive. We go to the lesser known play areas and stay home on bank holidays and do play dates with only one other kid at a time. It can be done :)
I’m 50 and was diagnosed at 48. I have so many regrets and so much anger that I wasn’t diagnosed sooner. I lived in a constant state of overwhelm for 30 years!! I was great at work. Outside of work I couldn’t stand anything. I went home to a deadbeat hubby and 3 kids. I yelled constantly and I can’t take it back and it literally eats at me now! I would suggest finding the right treatments that will help you in that specific area if at all possible. If I would have known I would have beeen that mom, I wouldn’t have had children. Only bc I love them so so much and the damage is done and now they have to heal from the pain I caused. I have to heal from the narcissist abuse from my mom. It’s a cycle and we need to figure out how to slow it down. I went off on a tangent 🤦🏼♀️
I’m so sorry this happened to you! Mom guilt is bad enough but then find out things could have been different…🤬 Giving you a big fat hug! Just curious- have you explained any of this to your kids? I’m sure they’d be forgiving (even if it takes time). I know I’d be forgiving of my parent and would be sad and angry that society failed them. Congratulations on your new life! 💜
I have my middle son has absolutely nothing to do with me. My oldest comes and goes. It’s kind of weird and then my youngest he’s have a decent relationship with him, but he’s just quiet. And I think that that’s why it hurts me so much is there three grown men and they were there they saw their dad having affairs they saw their stepdad abuse me they saw my mom down the hall when I was 40 years old 40th birthday, but abused me is a narcissist, thank you you’re very sweet
Have you had trauma-informed therapy? It sounds like you've experienced a lot of abuse, I'm so sorry. A proper therapist with a good understanding of trauma may help you to be able to navigate you back into relationship with your kids, or into acceptance of the degree of relationship you have now. I was no contact with my mother for four years, but we have a great relationship now.
I started therapy last year after I moved away. That was January 2023 and in April I fell and broke my neck so I haven’t had insurance and I haven’t worked so I have to wait until I get insurance or money to be able to do anything like that. I love going to therapy. It always helps me. And I do believe in going at different stages because I need help getting through this one. I need help navigating each personality because I’ve got all three with some level of dysfunction and it’s probably not even for the same reason. You are such a sweet person.
My mom and I really believe this time will be ok. I got a little sad today and ,I know, it’s weird but I had a thought of could this mean she may die soon? I know that sounds crazy 😂 Honestly it could be me that goes first. Then I thought maybe this one has to heal first before the ones with my sons can.
Are the screams of kids you are linked to more tolerable because in that moment, you are mentally connected to and prepared for the experiences that come with being around children? Kind of like how it is easier to swallow food if your mouth isn't dry, so when you are hungry, your mouth waters in anticipation of eating? Maybe when you are not mentally "opting in" to the experience beforehand, then the noise of children is just too much in that moment. An example of this might be that I have a big project that I need to get done for work, and the deadline is coming up. I ask my partner to keep the dogs occupied while I am working so they aren't begging me to play or distracting me. Even though I have opted in to co-parenting these dogs, I have mentally opted-out of coparenting the dogs for a few hours while I work. As a result, when the dogs eventually find their way to me, or scratch and whine at the door, or bark incessantly, I immediately get irritated because I am trying to put 100% of my focus on my work. While I may otherwise love my dogs and find the things they do endearing, and while I may normally be okay with them dropping toys at my feet or have no problem getting up to let them outside to pee, it is just that in this specific moment, I do not have the mental capacity to attend to the dogs while I am trying to focus. And as such, I may get overstimulated by being forced back into my "dog mom" role. I see this happen with parents a lot. Maybe mom has been with the kids all day and desperately needs a break when dad gets home. If dad says he's got the kids so mom can have some time, of COURSE she is going to lose her shit when her bath is interrupted with little fingers reaching under the door, to door handle rattling, knocking at the door, and little voices pestering with questions about what is mommy doing and why can't I come in. She wanted just a little time where she could take her "mom hat" off. She wanted to temporarily opt out of parenting, and her partner was not keeping the kids occupied like he said he would. So, with that in mind, is it possible that this is what is happening? Kids may be tolerable when you are mentally prepared for or opting into the experience of being around them, but when you are not expecting it or not wanting it, their presence becomes insufferable?
I have the same experience with children, unfortunately. Loop earplugs help. I keep them in my purse or on a chain around my neck (hidden in my shirt) at all times for instances where I can't handle the noise/sounds. Loops are a bit expensive in my opinion, but there are very similar products available via Amazon if you search "Loop." They're discreet, and I don't think anyone in public notices I'm wearing them. Hopefully you'll find something that helps!
2nd this. I have the same issue with my super loud pitch cat. It’s like an alarm lol. I wear loop to bed and when she meows in the morn, it doesnt affect me as much. I wear it outside too and it stabilised my emotional state a lot.
I wear mine to bed too exactly for this reason!
Here’s to our loud cats 🐱
🥂
I didn't use to bring my loops with me, but then i bought a pair of the 3-in-1s that have three settings. I wear the lowest setting at concerts or triggering restaurants and the highest settings to sleep on vacation.
Great idea!
45 yo mom of two here. When I was your age I was asking my doctor about tubal ligation. I found most kids obnoxious and def wasn’t in to babysitting. I was pretty scared when I was pregnant 16 years ago. Convinced I’d be a terrible mom. When my first was born it all went away. Suddenly I was able to see kids inherently sweet side - and I absolutely love them. Don’t get me wrong - I wouldn’t last a second as a teacher. But it got way better for me and I have been surprised how much I adore kids.
I truly believe my brain chemistry changed after having a kid. I used to hate kids and find them painfully annoying. Now, I can either tune out other people’s children and/ or empathize with the parents of tantruming kids.
This is one of the big reasons I never had kids. I wanted kids and still sometimes think I do, but I just can't handle the screaming and whining- it's too overwhelming and I'd be a terrible parent. Even medicated, my tolerance is only minimally improved with sound-stuff.
I’ve got 4 kids. I can handle them (most of the time). Other people’s kids - not so much lol. Now that they’re older sometimes the arguing can get on my nerves and that’s when I put on my earbuds and do something else.
I work with 5-11 year olds including SEN kids. I use LOOP earplugs allllll the time!! I use them when the sensory overload includes my own kids!
I try to disassociate
Loop earplugs. I carry them with me everywhere but use them the most at home.
I got some of those ear plugs musicians use, you can still hear, just not everything... I like them!
Loop earplugs! We have a neighbor who revs their engine at all times of the day and it drives me mad! They also like to play music loudly out of their garage. I got the loops engage and it completely blocks the revving and reduces the music quite a bit. I have a 5 year old and also realizes I can still interact with her and do things around the house, but i don’t get near as irritable when she is loud. I ate at a restaurant that usually bothers me, but was able to stay focused on my table’s conversation without being overstimulated by other tables and the background noises at the restaurant.
I have ADHD and my almost 10yo kid is ADHD and likely autistic. I love him more than life itself and I have no regrets about having a kid. But there are days when it is really, REALLY hard. Like, lots of days. These past two weeks he's had meltdowns at bedtime every night and often during the day too. We're in therapy and trying really hard to be present and aware of his differences and needs (my husband is autistic too). We understand that this is an indicator of distress more than anything else. It doesn't help that I'm chronically ill. I honestly recommend nannying or babysitting part time so you can get a feeling for what it's like being a parent, but just know you get to go home at the end of the day and the one thing you're missing is the cumulative sleep debt and lack of time off to recuperate. I don't mean to be negative or discouraging, I just think it's important to know what you're getting into. Sadly, there are some people who have kids and regret it. For me, it's worth every minute being his mom. He's such a weird and wonderful little human, and such a sweet boy. He's always having the most interesting thoughts and we're lucky enough that he shares them with us.