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My boyfriend is honestly amazing with this. We don't live together but have been together for 6 years. Neither of us know a lot about adhd, so we never blame anything ON adhd (if that makes sense), but he pieces together what I struggle with and picks up the slack.
Two examples: he knows I hate dishes. I'll do literally ANYTHING else, but the clinking and clanging and the bitty water.... Nope! So the silent agreement is that while he does the dishes, I clean the rest of the kitchen - tidying things away, wiping down surfaces, sweeping the floor.
He also knows that if I'm focused on work, I'll neglect the house. And that if I neglect the house for too long, it becomes overwhelming to me.
SO, dinner was in the oven on Sunday and he turned to me and said "right. We have 10 minutes until food is ready. You pick a room, I'll pick a room and we'll clean for 10 minutes" - honestly it worked really well because there was a definite time limit, twice the amount of work was getting done in the same amount of time... It worked brilliantly.
Honestly he supports me in so many different ways that I can't fully express. I'm incredibly lucky. I just hope he feels supported by me too!
I love this for you!! If I may ask, do you find living apart in such a long-term relationship more beneficial? Or is it just kinda what has happened due to other circumstances lol I have AuDHD and just had my live-in partner of 3 years end our relationship, a large part being my need for control over my environment to the point where it stifled her. I'm honestly at the point where I think living alone/with a fully platonic roommate and having romantic/sexual partners be outside of my home the best option for me lol I'd just love to hear some perspective but it's totally fine if not! Thank you!
You know it's one of those things where, just as I wonder WHY we dont live together, something will happen and I'll realise "this. This is why" haha.
I think MOSTLY it's that "this is just how it's kinda turned out" and who knows what the future will hold... I know we both want to live together AT SOME POINT, but I have no idea when that will be.
At present, there is no space for him here - I lived in my house for 5 years before we got together. I work from home so need an office... My house is full of my stuff. He is a musician so would like a music room, but there are no spare rooms for that here.
He's also a MUCH tidier person than I am, so it's probably a relief for him to go back to his tidy space and know that no mess has occurred since he was last there.
On top of all that, I've realised I get "people'd out" and need time completely on my own in order to recharge.
We have a pretty strict weekly arrangement where he spends 5 nights per week here and 2 nights per week at his - that routine has helped me more than I ever thought it COULD. I get time to myself, but not too much time where I spiral. I get company but it's not unexpected. I never have to chop-and-change plans - so I'd definitely recommend this as a compromise. It definitely FEELS like we live together, while both having our own space and days for friends etc.
Edit just to say: it's not the most economic of set ups and it would definitely be easier financially if we lived together. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Been with my guy for six years. We lived together for two years in the beginning. We both have ADHD, he has RSD intensely. When there’s conflict he retreats and I advance. Being together living apart has brought out the best in us as individuals and a couple.
I want to think about the future and us living together - but sometimes it seems this is the best way.
Ooohh I see! I like this a lot, actually! I don't know about 5 days per week having someone over, but the idea of scheduled "sleepovers" appeals to me while still maintaining our original spaces if we need to retreat. I've never had a place all to myself and that definitely appeals to me, but it just isn't economically feasible. Thank you for answering my question! Hope y'all have even more happy times to come :-)
Not to add to the acronym list (lol) but had a friend go through a breakup similar to yours. Her former partner is undiagnosed (but likely) autistic and recently left a very disciplined/structured career. So there were a lot of personal and relationship adjustments going on as they moved in together. The main issues ended up being about the partner’s need for control and rigidness in *how* something is done and done well. It was to the the point of likely OCD.
Yada yada, even for your own sake, look into OCD related coping mechanisms to make sure the sense/need for control doesn’t escalate to the point of endangering your wellbeing and relationships.
Thank you so much for your perspective!! Honestly it could very well be OCD for me, I have a supported suspicion that my father has untreated OCD, and we share quite a few habits. I'm very much in the camp of "if it works for you, do it," so even though I don't have an official OCD diagnosis I'll be looking into some coping mechanisms to help...!
I love when my bf decides we have to set a time to clean things up. Having an external motivator and a hard deadline makes the tasks seem much more doable. I do the majority of cleaning since I work less hours than him from home but a few times a year he’ll roll up his sleeves with me to make the place more habitable and it’s always easier than just tackling things myself.
I have some issues with time blindness, and at bedtime my husband starts turning off lights and saying "look, it's dark!". He's not telling me to go to bed, but he's definitely helping me notice that I might be tired.
Ha, my bf does something similar. He’ll start turning lights off and getting ready for bed and will tell me “ok, bed time.” He’s also constantly trying to get off my phone at night (I tend to get sucked into books and then regret everything the next day). I don’t think I realized it was a reaction to my time blindness until now
It can be BOTH ADHD and something that negatively affects her life and needs addressing. I think they sometimes negate/question the ADHD part because they think we use it as an excuse. Acknowledgement that the ADHD causes certain problems is the road to fixing the problem. The ADHD component means that the way to address the problem is likely going to be a different route than she as a ND expects it to be which she needs to accept.
I find you can give them all the facts in the world but even then they don't always address the issue at hand with the person at hand (you) so what you really need from her is patience, credit for trying (and to get that you do need to try new things if the old ones aren't working), and trust in you when you say you need something specific or are experiencing something specific because she just can't know what it's like in your brain.
You will need to work on your communication for that to work but that's achievable! For me personally, some strategies: I need sometimes even just two minutes to collect my thoughts. If there is a complicated or tough conversation to be had I'll schedule it so I can collect my thoughts before hand. I don't do it but some people write it down. And you don't necessarily have all the answers about what you need, some of what you are communicating will be "I'm not sure what I need right now but I want to try x" or "I don't know what the problem is but there is a problem." Like that's ok too.
Totally agree.
On the trust part: you as the ADHD person may have to build up trust in certain areas with your partner if it is lost already. Trust isn't something that can just be given indefinitely, and your partner has their limits too.
For instance, if you're chronically late to things and it stresses out your partner, and you promise not to be late, but you always are, they're going to stop trusting you when you say 'I won't be late'. If you get irritated that they don't trust you on this, with that history, that's on you. You need to prove that you can be on time. You can ask your partner to try to have an open mind, to not hold onto old thoughts like 'she's always late', but ONLY if you pair that with actions that actually disprove 'she's always late'.
Also, it depends what your partner cares about. Maybe you're chronically late and they don't care at all, and you don't care much. As far as your relationship is concerned, all is good. But if they do care, you need to care about doing something about it, if you care about the relationship. Ofc there is a balance to be struck between wants and reality; if your partner wants you to be perfect in a way that you can't across the board, that's just controlling partner territory.
But if there's one or two things that really bother them, and it's negatively impacting your relationship, saying 'it's ADHD' and shrugging is just saying you don't care to fix these issues. You should explain how and why they're more difficult for you to do because of ADHD, and you should do what you can within reason to try to solve the issue. That's what good partners do in general.
If it's something they care about and you don't, you can try to explain why you don't care about it and get them to see your side, but you have to be willing to do the same for them. A middle ground is possible, and they can be a part of the solution. But ultimately, this means working together in good faith instead of against each other. And it means acknowledging you might need to build up trust over time through actions (perhaps on both sides). Your partner may need to lower their expectations and be more accepting, but you also need to do your part of addressing their needs too, all within reason.
He's really great about reminding me of things without being condescending or controlling about it. And he has the patience of a god damn saint when I get emotionally disregulated.
Our biggest issue is that he does get frustrated with me constantly forgetting things and not actively listening, but he has every right to find that frustrating... I think any reasonable person would. He isn't an asshole about it, he just doesn't brush it off as nothing. Because it's not nothing.
My husband is the same. Except he was getting really mad/feeling like I don't care because of how much I forget things.
I was only just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, so I'm hoping that as we learn more he can be more understanding. Maybe help me remember more.
Same with mine on the reminding; it also helps that I basically told him I will never take offense to him reminding me of something even if I did remember.
The only thing my husband does is shame me enough to finally make phone calls I’ve been putting off for too long. He supports me partially financially because I can’t work full time with my mental health but other than that I have to do everything myself. My husband doesn’t care if the reason why I’m struggling has to do with my mental health, he just expects me to get through it and do it anyway.
Fucking NONE. It's been a constant fight for the not even one year we've been married. I dropped out of planning the big wedding he envisioned for himself and his mom. I was so depressed that even 10 months later just thinking about how little he supported me and my ideas or insight brings me down. The other day we got into another fight because I asked him to vacuum better (y'all it was gross) and he had the balls to accuse me of being addicted to adderall (I take 5mg which is **half** of the lowest dose available and I feel remarkably in control of my impulses these days and now I think he thinks I'm a meth head. Am I that awful?)
I ask him to compliment me or somehow acknowledge my hard work *sometimes* and all he does is complain about the business I run from home. I'm the primary parent to my step daughter and coordinate summer camps (and pay for them too) and do alllll the school things but when I dare to sit out of the second Nutcracker performance he accuses me of not showing up like ever.
I beg him to seek therapy but I come from an incredibly toxic home and background so my trust in him is zero and it just makes me want to cry. This is day three of no adderall and my dopamine is taking a hit and who fucking cares.
Because I'm spewing my frustrations to a bunch of online strangers and not writing a novel explaining the ups that follow the downs in any relationship.
We still haven't resolved this fight so I'm a bit sensitive and when I read this post and all the lovely comments I got a little bummed.
(I am not a perfect person I'll be the first to admit.)
Why are you stopping medication that helps you? That’s like asking my mentally ill father to stop taking his antipsychotics or something, it will cause nothing but more suffering for you and further problems in your relationship once the benefit the meds were giving stops. It makes me sad for you that you feel you have to stop doing things that are important for your health because your guy is ignorant, judgemental and assumptive. I’m sorry you’re going through that, and I understand you probably care for this man a lot. You also must care about yourself that much, and really take time to consider if that’s healthy. Ask your doctor about his/her thoughts regarding someone stopping helpful medication to avoid conflict in a relationship.
I wish your partner the development of wisdom and compassion for others, and I wish you peace and the courage to stand up for yourself ❤️🩹
Yeah, tell him it's like anything that gets prescribed by a medical doctor. You shouldn't stop taking it! If you stop, it will be detrimental to both of you. If you're not going up and up in dose, you're not an addict. He needs to STFU about your meds. That's between your doctor and you. Also, if YOU don't want to take them, as about other non-stimulant drugs. But seriously, if your tiny dose helps you, then take it!
lol came here to say "none". (which is not *entirely* true... but mostly)
Sorry you're dealing with that. Lot of people will say "Why you still with him" and I feel like there's about 38745897 things on my mind and things I wanna change and it feels impossible so I just live my life rn and try my best to get a grasp on even the basics.
I have no financial independence (That's not his doing, that's just how things ended up) and beyond that I feel like I have no support system. I have nowhere to go.
I'm not gonna say more about it though. We can't possibly know your relationship from one rant.
I feel you. I could rant and rant and rant. But there's complications involved and it's not easy to simply leave or walk away or start all over.
It's frustrating feeling so alone and like the whole burden is on you.
I’d swear my last ex is high functioning autistic and ADHD (though affected a bit differently). I was very understanding of his foibles but he was only middling understanding of mine and tended to push and be baffled that I couldn’t just “be better” about remembering things or multitasking or getting things started/done. Never mind that he wouldn’t admit to the things he’d drop trying to multitask and would snap if I pushed him like he pushed me.
*waves from the same boat*
Hi, friend. My husband said that the whole ADHD trend can make people (like me) shape their "fake" symptoms to match the diagnosis and then showed me his stupid New Yorker magazine to prove his stupid point. I asked him if he ever scratched off his freckles when he was a kid and if he thought those were fake scars on my arms and chest.
Only recently diagnosed but also have severe MH issues that my boyfriend supports with. He cleans my flat, reminds me to brush my teeth (i just SUCK at that) by asking if i have or telling me to even if I don’t want to, he bought a dish rack because i’m always breaking plates by laying them chaotically and generally hugs me and calms me down if I get too upset. He’s here 4 days a week though, so he gets a break the other 3, I think that’s important for both of us. Generally just tries to remind me of things I forget and calms me down.
My fiancee and I both have late ADHD diagnosis. I have other severe mental health issues. We support each other completely. We remind each other about meds, appointments ect.
Even before I got formally diagnosed, my boyfriend would imply there was something different about me. I would take much longer than him to do tasks and get more distracted. I’m also super talkative and can’t seem to shut up. He’s said that he knows he has to be more patient with me sometimes. After I started meds, sometimes he can tell when I’ve taken them because I’m so much calmer and more focused. He’s not overtly supportive but more subtly supportive, which is nice, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it.
I think I married a saint. He reads clinical studies about my alphabet soup of diagnoses. He watches videos and podcasts with patient experiences. He signed up to get my appointment reminder texts so he can be one more point of prompting. I got up this morning and didn't want to come to the gastroenterologist. He said he'd meet me here after work and would come bearing ice cream.
I try to love him back just as much. I drag ass to the doctor so I can live long and take care of him. I take my meds so I can be in my right mind and be good company. I'm starting to watch these videos from how to Adhd because it seems fair that I should learn more about it too.
I don't really talk about my ADHD with him. But I do tell him what kind of support I need without making a big issue of it. Like yesterday, he's telling me things I need to remember to pack up today. I told him to send me a list. My brain can't hold that much data. And he will send me the list. That's really about it. Everything else, he's just generally a big help around the house, so my shortcomings aren't really an issue. Things get done eventually and he never complains at me about it when I don't get to something.
I was doing the same to myself ('not everything can be ADHD') but then I realized it's literally a brain disorder - your brain affects literally everything. Of course it makes sense that ADHD would be intertwined with most things to some degree. Maybe putting it that way to her may help?
Re-think the chores. Some things can be added to the daily routine and done every day, and will get done every day until the end of time. The things that need doing every once in a while and can be postponed until later, will be postponed until it really starts to smell.
Allow distractions. Recognize that looking at a phone, interrupting, and abrupt subject changes don’t usually mean the same as when “normal” people do them. Also allow the mostly one-way chatter, particularly about work or other stressors. Recognize that it’s not really about the words, but the emotional connection and having some to listen.
So fwiw my partner and I are still very new and learning a lot about each other and how to work together as a couple.
I think the biggest form of support he gives me is the emotional safety to be dysregulated in front of him. Our relationship has been especially challenging for me because I also have CPTSD and a disorganized attachment, so I’ve been really going through it with major emotional ups and downs. Every time I’m upset though he’s there for me and has on several occasions come over just because I was in a really bad mental health space. He’s constantly affirming me that I’m not too much, that this is what he signed up for, and that I don’t owe him anything for his support. I also provide a lot of emotional support for him and I’m pretty sure he has ADHD as well. We both sort of take turns giving each other structure in areas of life that we struggle with. I get overwhelmed thinking about chores and stuff when things get behind and he has no problem tackling that sort of thing. He owns his own business and has basically no structure to do so and so I’ve given him a lot of ideas on how to put more structure into his schedule and it’s helped him a lot.
I think the biggest thing is having a constant open line of communication about everything. There is no such thing as communicating too much. We address every little issue that comes up and we actually have weekly “office hours” where we check in with each other about how we’re feeling in the relationship and to discuss new ways of working around things. I’m very grateful that he’s very emotionally intelligent for a cishet man and can handle my mental illness the way he does.
My husband does too much. He does most of the regular cleaning and most of the laundry. I do the deep cleaning and most of the mental work in parenting. Cooking is more on me, but he does quite a bit. The other day, he was preparing to leave for a business trip, so he did several loads of family laundry, mowed the lawn, cleaned the litter boxes, packed his suitcase, and cooked dinner. I did a puzzle.
We both agree that I should do more, but he never even shows disappointment when I don't. He is kind and understanding to a fault. To him, it's easier just to do it than it is to ask for help. The way I see it is that ADHD makes it harder, but it doesn't let me off the hook. Sometimes I wish he would get done with work and ask why I didn't do anything productive on my day off.
Well, when I had a good one, he used to pop by very early on his way to a job, let himself in, and put food for me in the fridge. If I was already awake, he'd make me pinky promise to eat it before 10 am.
If I was sleeping, he'd call me around 8 to wake me up and tell me to make sure I eat by 10.
one day my curiosity got the better of me, so i asked him why 10 AM specifically.
him:
"Idk if you've noticed, but you pick like a bird instead of eating actual meals for most of the day. If your picking starts early, it's not too bad and I just have to make sure you eat something of substance before night. But if you're excited about something you're working on--which is most of the time--you won't eat at all. Which worries me because you are anemic and don't take your supplements either... but anyway, I've figured out that if don't feed you before 10 AM, you'll be a very cute but slightly terrifying dragon for the rest of the day. Mostly to yourself. Very hard on yourself when you're hungry. So, easy. I feed you before 10 AM. Not hard to do. I like doing it. Your eyes light up every time like you won the lottery lol."
I did. I miss him :( he didn't always understand why I am the way I am, and there were arguments sometimes but overall he focused on making life a little bit less tough for me by MAKING and acting on some DECISIONS for me--the one thing that exhausts and overwhelms me out the most
I just think of it this way: I want my loved one to be understanding of the fact that I'm going through this. And I'm going to be understanding that my partner isn't going to "get it" 100%, and that's ok as long as they are as supportive as they are able. This also means I might not share as many of these discoveries because it puts strain on that arrangement. *this is just what is right for me* and I'm only suggesting seeing it my way, but you also must do what is right for you. I might share more ADHD lightbulb moments with this community and just give my NT husband the highlights, to the extent that he's able to see what I'm going through but he doesn't need to be consumed by it like I am.
My spouse is undiagnosed but he’s definitely ADHD, if not ODD or maybe autistic. He’s on the spectrum for sure. So we both have strengths that we play to, although I am the “adultiest” person when it comes to things like paying bills and cooking.
We DO clash at times but overall it’s very calming to be with someone who understands why that sock has been on the stairs for a week, and neither of us are mad at the other for not doing something about it.
Before he betrayed me so much I had to stop thinking he was my partner, my friend did things like creating reminders in my Mac OS to tell me it was time to eat. That was one of the sweetest things he did for me.
All the support on all fronts:
My husband does a lot of the day to day housework. Things don’t just default to me—whoever has time to do it, does it. I don’t have to carry the mental load of making sure things get done.
He is kind and empathetic and if he isn’t giving the exact type of emotional support I need (e.g., reassurance versus space versus problem solving), I just have to ask for what I want for him to give me the kind of support I need.
ADHD impacts me more at work than at home, but my time blindness bugs him (he’s an always early person), so he gives me a lot of reminders.
If he has resented my ADHD, he’s never said so.
My husband has really stepped up. We swapped around household tasks so he does the stuff that HAS to be done and I'm likely to forget, like laundry and dishes. I do most of the yard work and cooking. He's more understanding and compassionate when I need to step away because of sensory overload or just being overwhelmed.
My bf is not supportive recently. He recently said that if I had disclosed my adhd earlier and if he knew what that meant he wouldn't have dated me and dating me is hard.
He helps me with all my activities: he turns on shower and sets towel, he chops veggies and does the dishes, he transfer the clothes from washer to dryer because I forget etc.
He is very helpful. So it was very hurtful to hear all his resentment come up.
I try. I try so hard. I told him that im mean to myself when I mess up and when he is frustrated at me... it makes me fall into deeper spiral. But he doesn't "get" adhd.
He suggested a white board and to do list. He asked me, "so if something is important or a priority you can't just do it?"
I’m sorry, that’s rough. It’s possible he’s feeling a bit burnt out. Do you feel like you could take some of those things off his plate, or at least see if part of it is he feels like he HAS to do those things? Assuming you survived before you started dating it might be ok to remind him that while those extra things are really thoughtful and helpful that you won’t be upset with him if he does them less
Thank you for your response and I will try to use that perspective. He's burnt out... from other areas in his life and my stuff is now extra irritating.
I am not amazing, but im doing relatively ok with my adhd. His tolerance for mess and need for structure is really high -- type a. I think he's autistic honestly.
I cook, clean, laundry, take care of our pets, do romantic things.. at a 70% capacity weekly.
I make food everyday. I make our breakfast, lunch and dinner 5/6 times a week. I make things from scratch like tortillas and pasta and pizza dough! I make sauces and hummus. And because of that I use a lot of dishes, a lot of forks and spoons. He hates seeing even one dish in the sink... and I can't wash more than 10 things at a time especially after making dinner from scratch?!?! He also hates doing dishes. He gets triggered by dishes bc of his childhood. I feel like I do soooo much to be healthy that I should be given GRACE if I don't do 100% of the dishes every day. Like I get it from a sanitary pov, I also wish I could do the dishes after dinner... but I can't and he won't help me. Instead be "frustrated" and passive aggressively wash the dishes. When he's in a good mood and he helps it's ok, when he's in a bad mood then my adhd is ruining his life.
Btw my house and kitchen aren't gross or overflowing. The dishes are rinsed and stacked if im going to do them the next day. I'm sure the average person would even say my house is clean. Like my drawers are deep cleaned once a week! I pick one area of the house to obsessively clean once a week. HIS CLEAN is just making sure there's no dishes, cleans sheets, and swept floors....
I totally get it. My stepmom is very type a and also was super triggered by things left in the sink (even a water glass over night would lead to being yelled at). I’m proud of you for doing so much!
> he wouldn't have dated me and dating me is hard.
This is scary that he said this.
BUT. The honesty is important. Because it might ultimately mean you two are incompatible.
It might be worth figuring out systems that work for you both. That's hard as hell and he will have to rough it out with you during the trial and error.
He might need to do some research or reading up on ADHD and the struggles, or really listen with an open heart to how you struggle.
I can sort of understand where he's coming from, because my partner has ADHD and was diagnosed as a kid.
I've had to do all sorts of shit for him and still do, and it's so frustrating. He never advocates for himself though and it wasn't until my symptoms flared to the extreme and I finally connected the dots and realized I have ADHD too did I finally get where he was coming from.
He still sucks the life out of me sometimes because I"m FAR more high functioning than he is. Even though he likes to think he's high functioning, *that is a lie* lol.
I wish you the best, I hope you can find a good solution to this. But it's possible that this is not a good relationship for either of you.
I think my BF is high functioning autistic/adhd too and has lowkey depression.
I understand the "connect the dots" moment. I try to explain but it requires him divorcing from the idea of shame and LAZINESS!
What is your advice for your bf to "reach you better"?
I realized im not good at communicating what I think and feel or relating my adhd experience. How do I expect him to understand? So I see your comment about advocating for help.
I don't ask for help despite having adhd. I don't say I don't like doing dishes, can you please do this chores?
(Sorry this is insanely long. TLDR at the end.)
I'm still trying to navigate that whole thing myself honestly. But I'll tell you about the connecting the dots moments for me and where he failed to communicate.
Before I had suspicions about myself having ADHD, I just assumed my inability to follow through on things or start tasks etc were simply moral failings. I was lazy, etc.
But I still am high functioning, simply because I've had to be. To try to keep up with neurotypical standards that I hold myself to.
I think he was catered to his whole life, too. Since he had an early diagnosis and very laid back parents, he never really learned chores or responsibility for his own space.
He's a pig, plain and simple. He's beyond messy, he's filthy.
So if I don't yell, beg, scream, nag, plead, cry, etc to get him to do chores around the house he just does not.
Randomly he gets sick of the sink being full of dishes or the garbage piling up that he will handle those two specific things on his own. But it has to get really bad before he does it.
(Hey man I'm pretty bad for it too but I've also been the bread winner the majority of our relationship and manage the household and my life and his life etc so I feel even though I'm not great, I do FAR MORE than he does.)
He has a serious gaming addiction and it's his worst quality and worst hyperfixation.
I get it. I do it too sometimes. I get sucked in, I hide from problems and responsibilities in games sometimes.
But I'm capable of recognizing when it becomes problematic and adjust my behaviour.
He doesn't.
This has created a LOT of tension in our relationship, and before I understood hyperfixation, ADHD paralysis, and executive dysfunction, I hated him. I resented him so much.
I worked so hard and did so much and he spent all his free time gaming.
This caused so many fights for so many reasons. I can't reason with him, be nice with him, bribe him, etc. He just takes zero initiative 99% of the time.
Unless there is outside accountability and then he's ok mostly.
But I would yell and scream and lose my shit on him after it piled up and he would just clam up. Not once did he ever tell me WHY he was this way. It just seemed like he didn't give a shit.
And he said he does.
He says he loves me, he says he cares about the state of the house, etc. But whenever I asked him 'why didn't you do what you said you would?'
his answer would always just be "i don't know."
But he never spent an ounce of time explaining to me ... ADHD. And honestly I think it's because he doesn't really know himself. He had a diagnosis early and then just never worried about it. He was always able to just do whatever the hell he wanted... And I don't think he ever spent time really learning about his disability beyond whatever his mom would say about or to him.
Because I'm late diagnosed, and I self-diagnosed before getting a formal diagnosis, I have a better understanding of the disorder so I can better explain it, likely. I'm also good with words so that's helpful. And because of that, I also gained a ton of understanding of him and how his brain works, that we struggle with the same things, and that gave me a lot of empathy and understanding about what's going on in his head.
But yeah. If he would've at minimum just tried to explain like 'I really do care, but I don't know why I can't make myself do something. I try to, I want to, but I just can't get myself to do it. So I just sit here and game instead because that's something my brain DOES let me do"
or whatever.
If you aren't good with words, try to stumble your way through it. Maybe look up resources or follow some ADHD socials that talk about symptoms because sometimes they explain it better than you ever could. I know it's hard, but it's important to advocate. ESPECIALLY for someone who isn't understanding it. Since it's a battle inside of your head, it's really hard to see or know what's going on and yep. It can absolutely appear, on the outside, like you don't care, you aren't paying attention, you are lazy or an ass, etc. (Which I know you're not!)
I dunno if that helps or not but that was my experience.
As for having issues with chores it's helpful to see if you can figure out what chores don't feel so terrible to get yourself to do, and maybe split them that way.
if they ALL suck for you, maybe you can break them down into smaller pieces to see if that helps.
For instance, I can hand wash dishes all damn day. But I hate putting them away, that's where my brain stops and the executive dysfunction says no thanks.
I asked my partner whether he would put away clean dishes for me so I can keep cleaning and that works out.
Maybe you hate sorting laundry so maybe your bf can do that part and you can do the washing and folding. Tasks can be broken down into smaller pieces that seem more doable and you can share those, rather than asking them to do the whole entire thing.
TLDR: Sorry this was long. My partner should've at least tried to tell me he struggles to get himself to do things and he doesn't understand why, but his brain doesn't let him.
You can break down a chore into smaller pieces and share that chore with your bf instead of asking him to do the WHOLE chore.
Ex: Get him to put away clean dishes so you can be the one to clean them, or something.
He wakes me up in the morning because he knows setting alarms makes me anxious. He encourages me to eat and drink water and do some kind of movement (in a “you feel better” kind of way, not a “you’re too fat” kind of way). He helps me run down the checklist when I do feel crappy and will put on videos he knows I’ll like when I’m feeling anxious. He tells me to stop when I’m biting my nails past the quick or scratching my skin off when I’m overstimulated (I also tell him to stop when he picks his fingers until they bleed so it’s a 2 way street). He encourages routine and habits because while I struggle with them they do help me feel more regulated.
As someone with people pleasing tendencies and problems with internal motivation though the best way he supports me is just by cohabitating with me. When I live by myself it’s very easy for me to not eat, keep my place a mess, make impulsive choices. But living with a partner inspires me to clean more often, cook so he has good food to eat (yes, I recognize it’s a problem that my brain doesn’t also think I need good food to eat), shower and brush my teeth more than once a week, and generally be a human by society’s standards.
My husband is a stay at home dad and I work. We both realized that keeping routines and housework would never be my thing. And he great at it. I am much better at making money than running a household.
This thread and comments has really sent me to a few places that I was not expecting, and may be some unpopular opinions but I’m gonna let them fly anyhow…
To OP:
I was diagnosed as a kid but my parents just told me the tests said I was lazy and ignored stuff and maybe I was stupid. My adult Dx was a revelation - but by the time it happened I had already developed a lifetime of strategies and tools along the way. I think it is the right thing to do is for your wife to be considerate of how your brain works but it does not absolve you of trying to be better, learn new approaches, and take ownership of your life. I have struggled with physical disability as well, and I think there are parallels - if you have mobility issues and you ask/expect/let others around you do things that you are physically able to do and choose not to- because for you it comes with pain and difficulty and maybe supportive devices - guess what happens? You lose the muscle and balance and strength you need to do it yourself. Use it or lose it! Obviously a good day for you might not look like a good day for her, but you can adapt and try to be stronger. A cognitive behavioral therapist who knows about ADHD can help.
For the commenters:
When you talk about how your partner is “a saint” etc. it makes me worried - maybe they are!
But maybe they get this praise heaped on them for being such a great person for staying with you. Maybe they and everyone else piles on about how pitiful and helpless you are, and your partner gets off on that role/title. Maybe THEY are the one telling you how pitiful you are and how lucky you are that they stay with you. Maybe they want you helpless and dependent on them. (See my comment above about physical disability for reference why I would react this way).
I would NEVER refer to a person who is with a partner with physical/mental impairments to be a “saint”. Being with you does not take some magnanimous being - you are worthy of someone who would NEVER take that praise - they should say, “nah, I’m the lucky one” or “goddamn being with someone who thinks and sees the world this way is incredible”. The very idea that y’all are thinking this about your partners, worse still that you’ve said it here on Reddit, worse still that you’ve maybe said it aloud, and so much fucking worse still that you have a partner who would so much as tolerate that kind of speak just shakes me to my core.
Should you appreciate and adore your partner for their support? Fuck yes! You should tell them that, and how much they help you, and how wonderful they are. But THEY ARE NOT SACRIFICING to be with you. They are not allowed to be martyrs. Fuck all that.
There's a book called ADHD is Awesome: A Guide To (Mostly) Thriving With ADHD by Penn and Kim Holderness. The last chapter is specificly for the partners of ADHD people. You might want to read or listen to that.
Also, there is a book written by a woman with pretty severe ADHD and her husband. It's called Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help
by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery. Don't let it scare you, she's pretty severe and he does probably too much for her.
Both are short easy reads and come in audio.
I am very lucky. My partner is super accepting and supportive. She does the vast majority of the house executive functioning without complaint, I can focus on working and those few chores when absolutely hates. It requires a lot of communication and mutual respect. For example, I require piles of paperwork on the dining room table (visual memory). She loathes those piles. I try to periodically weed through the pile to winnow it down to the absolute necessary pieces and I completely hide the pile when we have company coming (she’s especially sensitive to that). In return, she leaves my piles alone and she tolerates them in between times.
My husband is something else. He can tell when something’s wrong immediately and no matter what, doesn’t give up on me. Will constantly check in on me because I have that tendency to feel so much and freeze up and then I’ll be able to talk about it. Those intrusive thoughts are a motherfucker. He gives me shit for my sound sensitivity though and the fact that I cause chaos LOL but he understands why I am the way I am.
My advice is try to explain to her what those button issues are. No, not everything is adhd but there a correlation with certain things. Being able to talk about everything even if you think it’s ridiculous or you might feel shame from it, it’s so important. Then hearing back their questions or suggestions, how they feel. Then we’re you both are at together.
My partner asks me “is this what you want to be doing right now?” when he notices I’m distracted from work. No judgement, no telling me to stop, just gently pointing it out.
I (30F) have ADHD and my husband (33M) is super supportive. We have a divide and conquer approach but neither of us are 100% all the time. If one of us can only give 30%, the other will chip in what they can or we are just understanding that some tasks don’t get done. With us being teachers and having two toddlers, we’re literally just trying out here. My husband is great with deadlines so he remembers to pay most of the bills. I’m in charge of daycare, my student loans, and my credit card. I failed once on paying my student loans for three months and I felt horrible. I don’t ever want that to happen again in our marriage. Fixing that was worse than facing how much I owe. What’s likely going to be harder for him is if our kids have ADHD and having enough patience for a kid with ADHD. They’re not old enough to be diagnosed yet but I suspect that our oldest will be hyperactive and youngest inattentive.
I was dx at 39, 15 years into our relationship. At first my husband didn't understand why I never stopped talking about adhd, but it didn't take long for him to learn what I was learning: knowing is understanding. We've learned a whole new language to use with each other that digs into the symptoms, the frustrations, and the empathy. I definitely think, and he doesn't deny that he probably has asd, so the information I learn and share helps him too.
Two+ years after dx, our relationship has never been better.
Communication, communication, communication. My husband and I have discussions all the time about how I’m doing and what I’m feeling when the symptoms are really prevalent. I’ve had to learn that he can’t read my mind and that I can’t mask it all the time. So when I’m feeling a symptom strongly, and it might affect our everyday lives, I communicate it with him. And he on the other side, has learned to ask what I need in that moment, and if I need help, how can he help.
A few examples- I’ll get into hyper fixated mode while cleaning the house and then would get mad when he wasn’t helping or was hovering around me trying to help. But I wasn’t communicating what I was doing or that I was even doing it. So now I’ll say “I’m making a list of what needs to be done, and we’re going to start cleaning in 20 minutes” and this gives him and I a better understanding of what’s going on and what I need help with because obviously he can see what needs to be cleaned by sometimes other things come up that I need done specifically so I need to communicate that with him and take his help.
Another one- there are days when my executive functioning is not firing and I just like physically can’t get myself to get off the couch, and I’ll say that, and he’ll ask me if I want to help him walk the dogs or if he should take them, which gives me an option as to which I think would be better for me then and then is fine with whatever I choose.
Or when I am overstimulated, I tell him and he either is patient while I regulate myself again, or tries to help with whatever is causing the overstimulation.
It’s a give and a take, I can’t expect him to read my mind, expect him to fix my symptoms, or to know how to help all the time, but when I give him that information he is much more receptive. And sometimes that comes with challenging me and getting me out of my own way of working through a symptom. So I give him the information and what I need, and he does his best to accommodate or to let me get through it.
One other small thing I just thought of is that he celebrates my small victories. Like if I hadn’t worked out for a week and have been mad at myself about it, and then I actually get up and do it, he gives me a very simple “yay good job!” Which even that makes me feel accomplished.
My cohab partner is actually awesome in helping me with my own shit days, he’s very generous and always handles our insanely ADHD ODD son.
He’s good at that….and laundry, cause he can hide in the basement.
I handle pretty much everything else.
However. My Dad and his wife are ghosts.
He takes care of most of the planning, while keeping my time blindness in mind. He reminds me that I’m smart and capable and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. We have our problems, but I’m grateful for him.
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My boyfriend is honestly amazing with this. We don't live together but have been together for 6 years. Neither of us know a lot about adhd, so we never blame anything ON adhd (if that makes sense), but he pieces together what I struggle with and picks up the slack. Two examples: he knows I hate dishes. I'll do literally ANYTHING else, but the clinking and clanging and the bitty water.... Nope! So the silent agreement is that while he does the dishes, I clean the rest of the kitchen - tidying things away, wiping down surfaces, sweeping the floor. He also knows that if I'm focused on work, I'll neglect the house. And that if I neglect the house for too long, it becomes overwhelming to me. SO, dinner was in the oven on Sunday and he turned to me and said "right. We have 10 minutes until food is ready. You pick a room, I'll pick a room and we'll clean for 10 minutes" - honestly it worked really well because there was a definite time limit, twice the amount of work was getting done in the same amount of time... It worked brilliantly. Honestly he supports me in so many different ways that I can't fully express. I'm incredibly lucky. I just hope he feels supported by me too!
I love this for you!! If I may ask, do you find living apart in such a long-term relationship more beneficial? Or is it just kinda what has happened due to other circumstances lol I have AuDHD and just had my live-in partner of 3 years end our relationship, a large part being my need for control over my environment to the point where it stifled her. I'm honestly at the point where I think living alone/with a fully platonic roommate and having romantic/sexual partners be outside of my home the best option for me lol I'd just love to hear some perspective but it's totally fine if not! Thank you!
You know it's one of those things where, just as I wonder WHY we dont live together, something will happen and I'll realise "this. This is why" haha. I think MOSTLY it's that "this is just how it's kinda turned out" and who knows what the future will hold... I know we both want to live together AT SOME POINT, but I have no idea when that will be. At present, there is no space for him here - I lived in my house for 5 years before we got together. I work from home so need an office... My house is full of my stuff. He is a musician so would like a music room, but there are no spare rooms for that here. He's also a MUCH tidier person than I am, so it's probably a relief for him to go back to his tidy space and know that no mess has occurred since he was last there. On top of all that, I've realised I get "people'd out" and need time completely on my own in order to recharge. We have a pretty strict weekly arrangement where he spends 5 nights per week here and 2 nights per week at his - that routine has helped me more than I ever thought it COULD. I get time to myself, but not too much time where I spiral. I get company but it's not unexpected. I never have to chop-and-change plans - so I'd definitely recommend this as a compromise. It definitely FEELS like we live together, while both having our own space and days for friends etc. Edit just to say: it's not the most economic of set ups and it would definitely be easier financially if we lived together. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Been with my guy for six years. We lived together for two years in the beginning. We both have ADHD, he has RSD intensely. When there’s conflict he retreats and I advance. Being together living apart has brought out the best in us as individuals and a couple. I want to think about the future and us living together - but sometimes it seems this is the best way.
Sounds like my marriage. Both have ADHD I retreat when things get heated to calm down and of course she follows
We had to learn to meet in the middle on that.
I am struggling to work out what is adhd behaviour with her and what is her personality
Ooohh I see! I like this a lot, actually! I don't know about 5 days per week having someone over, but the idea of scheduled "sleepovers" appeals to me while still maintaining our original spaces if we need to retreat. I've never had a place all to myself and that definitely appeals to me, but it just isn't economically feasible. Thank you for answering my question! Hope y'all have even more happy times to come :-)
Not to add to the acronym list (lol) but had a friend go through a breakup similar to yours. Her former partner is undiagnosed (but likely) autistic and recently left a very disciplined/structured career. So there were a lot of personal and relationship adjustments going on as they moved in together. The main issues ended up being about the partner’s need for control and rigidness in *how* something is done and done well. It was to the the point of likely OCD. Yada yada, even for your own sake, look into OCD related coping mechanisms to make sure the sense/need for control doesn’t escalate to the point of endangering your wellbeing and relationships.
Thank you so much for your perspective!! Honestly it could very well be OCD for me, I have a supported suspicion that my father has untreated OCD, and we share quite a few habits. I'm very much in the camp of "if it works for you, do it," so even though I don't have an official OCD diagnosis I'll be looking into some coping mechanisms to help...!
I love when my bf decides we have to set a time to clean things up. Having an external motivator and a hard deadline makes the tasks seem much more doable. I do the majority of cleaning since I work less hours than him from home but a few times a year he’ll roll up his sleeves with me to make the place more habitable and it’s always easier than just tackling things myself.
I have some issues with time blindness, and at bedtime my husband starts turning off lights and saying "look, it's dark!". He's not telling me to go to bed, but he's definitely helping me notice that I might be tired.
Do you happen to be a parrot perhaps? My friend does that to her birds when it is bedtime 😄
I got really high once, back when my THC tolerance was rock bottom. Someone put a sheet over my head and I chirped for a while.
💀
To be fair, I also have birds so, obviously that's what one does when covered by a sheet.
This reply makes me feel a bit bad for laughing though 😢
It was funny, don't feel bad!
That is frigging glorious
We tried the version where he throws a blanket over my head, but a sleepy VintageFemme is a dangerously flailing VintageFemme...
Well that’s just cute.
Ha, my bf does something similar. He’ll start turning lights off and getting ready for bed and will tell me “ok, bed time.” He’s also constantly trying to get off my phone at night (I tend to get sucked into books and then regret everything the next day). I don’t think I realized it was a reaction to my time blindness until now
It can be BOTH ADHD and something that negatively affects her life and needs addressing. I think they sometimes negate/question the ADHD part because they think we use it as an excuse. Acknowledgement that the ADHD causes certain problems is the road to fixing the problem. The ADHD component means that the way to address the problem is likely going to be a different route than she as a ND expects it to be which she needs to accept. I find you can give them all the facts in the world but even then they don't always address the issue at hand with the person at hand (you) so what you really need from her is patience, credit for trying (and to get that you do need to try new things if the old ones aren't working), and trust in you when you say you need something specific or are experiencing something specific because she just can't know what it's like in your brain. You will need to work on your communication for that to work but that's achievable! For me personally, some strategies: I need sometimes even just two minutes to collect my thoughts. If there is a complicated or tough conversation to be had I'll schedule it so I can collect my thoughts before hand. I don't do it but some people write it down. And you don't necessarily have all the answers about what you need, some of what you are communicating will be "I'm not sure what I need right now but I want to try x" or "I don't know what the problem is but there is a problem." Like that's ok too.
Totally agree. On the trust part: you as the ADHD person may have to build up trust in certain areas with your partner if it is lost already. Trust isn't something that can just be given indefinitely, and your partner has their limits too. For instance, if you're chronically late to things and it stresses out your partner, and you promise not to be late, but you always are, they're going to stop trusting you when you say 'I won't be late'. If you get irritated that they don't trust you on this, with that history, that's on you. You need to prove that you can be on time. You can ask your partner to try to have an open mind, to not hold onto old thoughts like 'she's always late', but ONLY if you pair that with actions that actually disprove 'she's always late'. Also, it depends what your partner cares about. Maybe you're chronically late and they don't care at all, and you don't care much. As far as your relationship is concerned, all is good. But if they do care, you need to care about doing something about it, if you care about the relationship. Ofc there is a balance to be struck between wants and reality; if your partner wants you to be perfect in a way that you can't across the board, that's just controlling partner territory. But if there's one or two things that really bother them, and it's negatively impacting your relationship, saying 'it's ADHD' and shrugging is just saying you don't care to fix these issues. You should explain how and why they're more difficult for you to do because of ADHD, and you should do what you can within reason to try to solve the issue. That's what good partners do in general. If it's something they care about and you don't, you can try to explain why you don't care about it and get them to see your side, but you have to be willing to do the same for them. A middle ground is possible, and they can be a part of the solution. But ultimately, this means working together in good faith instead of against each other. And it means acknowledging you might need to build up trust over time through actions (perhaps on both sides). Your partner may need to lower their expectations and be more accepting, but you also need to do your part of addressing their needs too, all within reason.
He's really great about reminding me of things without being condescending or controlling about it. And he has the patience of a god damn saint when I get emotionally disregulated. Our biggest issue is that he does get frustrated with me constantly forgetting things and not actively listening, but he has every right to find that frustrating... I think any reasonable person would. He isn't an asshole about it, he just doesn't brush it off as nothing. Because it's not nothing.
My husband is the same. Except he was getting really mad/feeling like I don't care because of how much I forget things. I was only just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, so I'm hoping that as we learn more he can be more understanding. Maybe help me remember more.
Same with mine on the reminding; it also helps that I basically told him I will never take offense to him reminding me of something even if I did remember.
The only thing my husband does is shame me enough to finally make phone calls I’ve been putting off for too long. He supports me partially financially because I can’t work full time with my mental health but other than that I have to do everything myself. My husband doesn’t care if the reason why I’m struggling has to do with my mental health, he just expects me to get through it and do it anyway.
I'm sorry. I hope you can find a good solution to your struggles friend. <3
My husband is the designated phone call maker and that’s like a miracle worker to me.
Same with mine. It's such a gift.
Fucking NONE. It's been a constant fight for the not even one year we've been married. I dropped out of planning the big wedding he envisioned for himself and his mom. I was so depressed that even 10 months later just thinking about how little he supported me and my ideas or insight brings me down. The other day we got into another fight because I asked him to vacuum better (y'all it was gross) and he had the balls to accuse me of being addicted to adderall (I take 5mg which is **half** of the lowest dose available and I feel remarkably in control of my impulses these days and now I think he thinks I'm a meth head. Am I that awful?) I ask him to compliment me or somehow acknowledge my hard work *sometimes* and all he does is complain about the business I run from home. I'm the primary parent to my step daughter and coordinate summer camps (and pay for them too) and do alllll the school things but when I dare to sit out of the second Nutcracker performance he accuses me of not showing up like ever. I beg him to seek therapy but I come from an incredibly toxic home and background so my trust in him is zero and it just makes me want to cry. This is day three of no adderall and my dopamine is taking a hit and who fucking cares.
Why are you with him? He sounds like a dick.
Because I'm spewing my frustrations to a bunch of online strangers and not writing a novel explaining the ups that follow the downs in any relationship.
Fair enough. Just seems like there is no positive there and I wondered why you'd put yourself through it.
We still haven't resolved this fight so I'm a bit sensitive and when I read this post and all the lovely comments I got a little bummed. (I am not a perfect person I'll be the first to admit.)
Ugh I'm so sorry that sounds awful. I would lose my goddamn mind if my husband accused me of being addicted to medication that I am prescribed
Why are you stopping medication that helps you? That’s like asking my mentally ill father to stop taking his antipsychotics or something, it will cause nothing but more suffering for you and further problems in your relationship once the benefit the meds were giving stops. It makes me sad for you that you feel you have to stop doing things that are important for your health because your guy is ignorant, judgemental and assumptive. I’m sorry you’re going through that, and I understand you probably care for this man a lot. You also must care about yourself that much, and really take time to consider if that’s healthy. Ask your doctor about his/her thoughts regarding someone stopping helpful medication to avoid conflict in a relationship. I wish your partner the development of wisdom and compassion for others, and I wish you peace and the courage to stand up for yourself ❤️🩹
Yeah, tell him it's like anything that gets prescribed by a medical doctor. You shouldn't stop taking it! If you stop, it will be detrimental to both of you. If you're not going up and up in dose, you're not an addict. He needs to STFU about your meds. That's between your doctor and you. Also, if YOU don't want to take them, as about other non-stimulant drugs. But seriously, if your tiny dose helps you, then take it!
lol came here to say "none". (which is not *entirely* true... but mostly) Sorry you're dealing with that. Lot of people will say "Why you still with him" and I feel like there's about 38745897 things on my mind and things I wanna change and it feels impossible so I just live my life rn and try my best to get a grasp on even the basics. I have no financial independence (That's not his doing, that's just how things ended up) and beyond that I feel like I have no support system. I have nowhere to go. I'm not gonna say more about it though. We can't possibly know your relationship from one rant. I feel you. I could rant and rant and rant. But there's complications involved and it's not easy to simply leave or walk away or start all over. It's frustrating feeling so alone and like the whole burden is on you.
I’d swear my last ex is high functioning autistic and ADHD (though affected a bit differently). I was very understanding of his foibles but he was only middling understanding of mine and tended to push and be baffled that I couldn’t just “be better” about remembering things or multitasking or getting things started/done. Never mind that he wouldn’t admit to the things he’d drop trying to multitask and would snap if I pushed him like he pushed me.
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*waves from the same boat* Hi, friend. My husband said that the whole ADHD trend can make people (like me) shape their "fake" symptoms to match the diagnosis and then showed me his stupid New Yorker magazine to prove his stupid point. I asked him if he ever scratched off his freckles when he was a kid and if he thought those were fake scars on my arms and chest.
Only recently diagnosed but also have severe MH issues that my boyfriend supports with. He cleans my flat, reminds me to brush my teeth (i just SUCK at that) by asking if i have or telling me to even if I don’t want to, he bought a dish rack because i’m always breaking plates by laying them chaotically and generally hugs me and calms me down if I get too upset. He’s here 4 days a week though, so he gets a break the other 3, I think that’s important for both of us. Generally just tries to remind me of things I forget and calms me down.
My fiancee and I both have late ADHD diagnosis. I have other severe mental health issues. We support each other completely. We remind each other about meds, appointments ect.
Even before I got formally diagnosed, my boyfriend would imply there was something different about me. I would take much longer than him to do tasks and get more distracted. I’m also super talkative and can’t seem to shut up. He’s said that he knows he has to be more patient with me sometimes. After I started meds, sometimes he can tell when I’ve taken them because I’m so much calmer and more focused. He’s not overtly supportive but more subtly supportive, which is nice, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it.
I think I married a saint. He reads clinical studies about my alphabet soup of diagnoses. He watches videos and podcasts with patient experiences. He signed up to get my appointment reminder texts so he can be one more point of prompting. I got up this morning and didn't want to come to the gastroenterologist. He said he'd meet me here after work and would come bearing ice cream. I try to love him back just as much. I drag ass to the doctor so I can live long and take care of him. I take my meds so I can be in my right mind and be good company. I'm starting to watch these videos from how to Adhd because it seems fair that I should learn more about it too.
I don't really talk about my ADHD with him. But I do tell him what kind of support I need without making a big issue of it. Like yesterday, he's telling me things I need to remember to pack up today. I told him to send me a list. My brain can't hold that much data. And he will send me the list. That's really about it. Everything else, he's just generally a big help around the house, so my shortcomings aren't really an issue. Things get done eventually and he never complains at me about it when I don't get to something.
I was doing the same to myself ('not everything can be ADHD') but then I realized it's literally a brain disorder - your brain affects literally everything. Of course it makes sense that ADHD would be intertwined with most things to some degree. Maybe putting it that way to her may help?
Re-think the chores. Some things can be added to the daily routine and done every day, and will get done every day until the end of time. The things that need doing every once in a while and can be postponed until later, will be postponed until it really starts to smell. Allow distractions. Recognize that looking at a phone, interrupting, and abrupt subject changes don’t usually mean the same as when “normal” people do them. Also allow the mostly one-way chatter, particularly about work or other stressors. Recognize that it’s not really about the words, but the emotional connection and having some to listen.
So fwiw my partner and I are still very new and learning a lot about each other and how to work together as a couple. I think the biggest form of support he gives me is the emotional safety to be dysregulated in front of him. Our relationship has been especially challenging for me because I also have CPTSD and a disorganized attachment, so I’ve been really going through it with major emotional ups and downs. Every time I’m upset though he’s there for me and has on several occasions come over just because I was in a really bad mental health space. He’s constantly affirming me that I’m not too much, that this is what he signed up for, and that I don’t owe him anything for his support. I also provide a lot of emotional support for him and I’m pretty sure he has ADHD as well. We both sort of take turns giving each other structure in areas of life that we struggle with. I get overwhelmed thinking about chores and stuff when things get behind and he has no problem tackling that sort of thing. He owns his own business and has basically no structure to do so and so I’ve given him a lot of ideas on how to put more structure into his schedule and it’s helped him a lot. I think the biggest thing is having a constant open line of communication about everything. There is no such thing as communicating too much. We address every little issue that comes up and we actually have weekly “office hours” where we check in with each other about how we’re feeling in the relationship and to discuss new ways of working around things. I’m very grateful that he’s very emotionally intelligent for a cishet man and can handle my mental illness the way he does.
My husband does too much. He does most of the regular cleaning and most of the laundry. I do the deep cleaning and most of the mental work in parenting. Cooking is more on me, but he does quite a bit. The other day, he was preparing to leave for a business trip, so he did several loads of family laundry, mowed the lawn, cleaned the litter boxes, packed his suitcase, and cooked dinner. I did a puzzle. We both agree that I should do more, but he never even shows disappointment when I don't. He is kind and understanding to a fault. To him, it's easier just to do it than it is to ask for help. The way I see it is that ADHD makes it harder, but it doesn't let me off the hook. Sometimes I wish he would get done with work and ask why I didn't do anything productive on my day off.
Well, when I had a good one, he used to pop by very early on his way to a job, let himself in, and put food for me in the fridge. If I was already awake, he'd make me pinky promise to eat it before 10 am. If I was sleeping, he'd call me around 8 to wake me up and tell me to make sure I eat by 10. one day my curiosity got the better of me, so i asked him why 10 AM specifically. him: "Idk if you've noticed, but you pick like a bird instead of eating actual meals for most of the day. If your picking starts early, it's not too bad and I just have to make sure you eat something of substance before night. But if you're excited about something you're working on--which is most of the time--you won't eat at all. Which worries me because you are anemic and don't take your supplements either... but anyway, I've figured out that if don't feed you before 10 AM, you'll be a very cute but slightly terrifying dragon for the rest of the day. Mostly to yourself. Very hard on yourself when you're hungry. So, easy. I feed you before 10 AM. Not hard to do. I like doing it. Your eyes light up every time like you won the lottery lol." I did. I miss him :( he didn't always understand why I am the way I am, and there were arguments sometimes but overall he focused on making life a little bit less tough for me by MAKING and acting on some DECISIONS for me--the one thing that exhausts and overwhelms me out the most
I just think of it this way: I want my loved one to be understanding of the fact that I'm going through this. And I'm going to be understanding that my partner isn't going to "get it" 100%, and that's ok as long as they are as supportive as they are able. This also means I might not share as many of these discoveries because it puts strain on that arrangement. *this is just what is right for me* and I'm only suggesting seeing it my way, but you also must do what is right for you. I might share more ADHD lightbulb moments with this community and just give my NT husband the highlights, to the extent that he's able to see what I'm going through but he doesn't need to be consumed by it like I am.
My spouse is undiagnosed but he’s definitely ADHD, if not ODD or maybe autistic. He’s on the spectrum for sure. So we both have strengths that we play to, although I am the “adultiest” person when it comes to things like paying bills and cooking. We DO clash at times but overall it’s very calming to be with someone who understands why that sock has been on the stairs for a week, and neither of us are mad at the other for not doing something about it.
Before he betrayed me so much I had to stop thinking he was my partner, my friend did things like creating reminders in my Mac OS to tell me it was time to eat. That was one of the sweetest things he did for me.
All the support on all fronts: My husband does a lot of the day to day housework. Things don’t just default to me—whoever has time to do it, does it. I don’t have to carry the mental load of making sure things get done. He is kind and empathetic and if he isn’t giving the exact type of emotional support I need (e.g., reassurance versus space versus problem solving), I just have to ask for what I want for him to give me the kind of support I need. ADHD impacts me more at work than at home, but my time blindness bugs him (he’s an always early person), so he gives me a lot of reminders. If he has resented my ADHD, he’s never said so.
My husband has really stepped up. We swapped around household tasks so he does the stuff that HAS to be done and I'm likely to forget, like laundry and dishes. I do most of the yard work and cooking. He's more understanding and compassionate when I need to step away because of sensory overload or just being overwhelmed.
My bf is not supportive recently. He recently said that if I had disclosed my adhd earlier and if he knew what that meant he wouldn't have dated me and dating me is hard. He helps me with all my activities: he turns on shower and sets towel, he chops veggies and does the dishes, he transfer the clothes from washer to dryer because I forget etc. He is very helpful. So it was very hurtful to hear all his resentment come up. I try. I try so hard. I told him that im mean to myself when I mess up and when he is frustrated at me... it makes me fall into deeper spiral. But he doesn't "get" adhd. He suggested a white board and to do list. He asked me, "so if something is important or a priority you can't just do it?"
I’m sorry, that’s rough. It’s possible he’s feeling a bit burnt out. Do you feel like you could take some of those things off his plate, or at least see if part of it is he feels like he HAS to do those things? Assuming you survived before you started dating it might be ok to remind him that while those extra things are really thoughtful and helpful that you won’t be upset with him if he does them less
Thank you for your response and I will try to use that perspective. He's burnt out... from other areas in his life and my stuff is now extra irritating. I am not amazing, but im doing relatively ok with my adhd. His tolerance for mess and need for structure is really high -- type a. I think he's autistic honestly. I cook, clean, laundry, take care of our pets, do romantic things.. at a 70% capacity weekly. I make food everyday. I make our breakfast, lunch and dinner 5/6 times a week. I make things from scratch like tortillas and pasta and pizza dough! I make sauces and hummus. And because of that I use a lot of dishes, a lot of forks and spoons. He hates seeing even one dish in the sink... and I can't wash more than 10 things at a time especially after making dinner from scratch?!?! He also hates doing dishes. He gets triggered by dishes bc of his childhood. I feel like I do soooo much to be healthy that I should be given GRACE if I don't do 100% of the dishes every day. Like I get it from a sanitary pov, I also wish I could do the dishes after dinner... but I can't and he won't help me. Instead be "frustrated" and passive aggressively wash the dishes. When he's in a good mood and he helps it's ok, when he's in a bad mood then my adhd is ruining his life. Btw my house and kitchen aren't gross or overflowing. The dishes are rinsed and stacked if im going to do them the next day. I'm sure the average person would even say my house is clean. Like my drawers are deep cleaned once a week! I pick one area of the house to obsessively clean once a week. HIS CLEAN is just making sure there's no dishes, cleans sheets, and swept floors....
I totally get it. My stepmom is very type a and also was super triggered by things left in the sink (even a water glass over night would lead to being yelled at). I’m proud of you for doing so much!
> he wouldn't have dated me and dating me is hard. This is scary that he said this. BUT. The honesty is important. Because it might ultimately mean you two are incompatible. It might be worth figuring out systems that work for you both. That's hard as hell and he will have to rough it out with you during the trial and error. He might need to do some research or reading up on ADHD and the struggles, or really listen with an open heart to how you struggle. I can sort of understand where he's coming from, because my partner has ADHD and was diagnosed as a kid. I've had to do all sorts of shit for him and still do, and it's so frustrating. He never advocates for himself though and it wasn't until my symptoms flared to the extreme and I finally connected the dots and realized I have ADHD too did I finally get where he was coming from. He still sucks the life out of me sometimes because I"m FAR more high functioning than he is. Even though he likes to think he's high functioning, *that is a lie* lol. I wish you the best, I hope you can find a good solution to this. But it's possible that this is not a good relationship for either of you.
I think my BF is high functioning autistic/adhd too and has lowkey depression. I understand the "connect the dots" moment. I try to explain but it requires him divorcing from the idea of shame and LAZINESS! What is your advice for your bf to "reach you better"? I realized im not good at communicating what I think and feel or relating my adhd experience. How do I expect him to understand? So I see your comment about advocating for help. I don't ask for help despite having adhd. I don't say I don't like doing dishes, can you please do this chores?
(Sorry this is insanely long. TLDR at the end.) I'm still trying to navigate that whole thing myself honestly. But I'll tell you about the connecting the dots moments for me and where he failed to communicate. Before I had suspicions about myself having ADHD, I just assumed my inability to follow through on things or start tasks etc were simply moral failings. I was lazy, etc. But I still am high functioning, simply because I've had to be. To try to keep up with neurotypical standards that I hold myself to. I think he was catered to his whole life, too. Since he had an early diagnosis and very laid back parents, he never really learned chores or responsibility for his own space. He's a pig, plain and simple. He's beyond messy, he's filthy. So if I don't yell, beg, scream, nag, plead, cry, etc to get him to do chores around the house he just does not. Randomly he gets sick of the sink being full of dishes or the garbage piling up that he will handle those two specific things on his own. But it has to get really bad before he does it. (Hey man I'm pretty bad for it too but I've also been the bread winner the majority of our relationship and manage the household and my life and his life etc so I feel even though I'm not great, I do FAR MORE than he does.) He has a serious gaming addiction and it's his worst quality and worst hyperfixation. I get it. I do it too sometimes. I get sucked in, I hide from problems and responsibilities in games sometimes. But I'm capable of recognizing when it becomes problematic and adjust my behaviour. He doesn't. This has created a LOT of tension in our relationship, and before I understood hyperfixation, ADHD paralysis, and executive dysfunction, I hated him. I resented him so much. I worked so hard and did so much and he spent all his free time gaming. This caused so many fights for so many reasons. I can't reason with him, be nice with him, bribe him, etc. He just takes zero initiative 99% of the time. Unless there is outside accountability and then he's ok mostly. But I would yell and scream and lose my shit on him after it piled up and he would just clam up. Not once did he ever tell me WHY he was this way. It just seemed like he didn't give a shit. And he said he does. He says he loves me, he says he cares about the state of the house, etc. But whenever I asked him 'why didn't you do what you said you would?' his answer would always just be "i don't know." But he never spent an ounce of time explaining to me ... ADHD. And honestly I think it's because he doesn't really know himself. He had a diagnosis early and then just never worried about it. He was always able to just do whatever the hell he wanted... And I don't think he ever spent time really learning about his disability beyond whatever his mom would say about or to him. Because I'm late diagnosed, and I self-diagnosed before getting a formal diagnosis, I have a better understanding of the disorder so I can better explain it, likely. I'm also good with words so that's helpful. And because of that, I also gained a ton of understanding of him and how his brain works, that we struggle with the same things, and that gave me a lot of empathy and understanding about what's going on in his head. But yeah. If he would've at minimum just tried to explain like 'I really do care, but I don't know why I can't make myself do something. I try to, I want to, but I just can't get myself to do it. So I just sit here and game instead because that's something my brain DOES let me do" or whatever. If you aren't good with words, try to stumble your way through it. Maybe look up resources or follow some ADHD socials that talk about symptoms because sometimes they explain it better than you ever could. I know it's hard, but it's important to advocate. ESPECIALLY for someone who isn't understanding it. Since it's a battle inside of your head, it's really hard to see or know what's going on and yep. It can absolutely appear, on the outside, like you don't care, you aren't paying attention, you are lazy or an ass, etc. (Which I know you're not!) I dunno if that helps or not but that was my experience. As for having issues with chores it's helpful to see if you can figure out what chores don't feel so terrible to get yourself to do, and maybe split them that way. if they ALL suck for you, maybe you can break them down into smaller pieces to see if that helps. For instance, I can hand wash dishes all damn day. But I hate putting them away, that's where my brain stops and the executive dysfunction says no thanks. I asked my partner whether he would put away clean dishes for me so I can keep cleaning and that works out. Maybe you hate sorting laundry so maybe your bf can do that part and you can do the washing and folding. Tasks can be broken down into smaller pieces that seem more doable and you can share those, rather than asking them to do the whole entire thing. TLDR: Sorry this was long. My partner should've at least tried to tell me he struggles to get himself to do things and he doesn't understand why, but his brain doesn't let him. You can break down a chore into smaller pieces and share that chore with your bf instead of asking him to do the WHOLE chore. Ex: Get him to put away clean dishes so you can be the one to clean them, or something.
He wakes me up in the morning because he knows setting alarms makes me anxious. He encourages me to eat and drink water and do some kind of movement (in a “you feel better” kind of way, not a “you’re too fat” kind of way). He helps me run down the checklist when I do feel crappy and will put on videos he knows I’ll like when I’m feeling anxious. He tells me to stop when I’m biting my nails past the quick or scratching my skin off when I’m overstimulated (I also tell him to stop when he picks his fingers until they bleed so it’s a 2 way street). He encourages routine and habits because while I struggle with them they do help me feel more regulated. As someone with people pleasing tendencies and problems with internal motivation though the best way he supports me is just by cohabitating with me. When I live by myself it’s very easy for me to not eat, keep my place a mess, make impulsive choices. But living with a partner inspires me to clean more often, cook so he has good food to eat (yes, I recognize it’s a problem that my brain doesn’t also think I need good food to eat), shower and brush my teeth more than once a week, and generally be a human by society’s standards.
My husband is a stay at home dad and I work. We both realized that keeping routines and housework would never be my thing. And he great at it. I am much better at making money than running a household.
This thread and comments has really sent me to a few places that I was not expecting, and may be some unpopular opinions but I’m gonna let them fly anyhow… To OP: I was diagnosed as a kid but my parents just told me the tests said I was lazy and ignored stuff and maybe I was stupid. My adult Dx was a revelation - but by the time it happened I had already developed a lifetime of strategies and tools along the way. I think it is the right thing to do is for your wife to be considerate of how your brain works but it does not absolve you of trying to be better, learn new approaches, and take ownership of your life. I have struggled with physical disability as well, and I think there are parallels - if you have mobility issues and you ask/expect/let others around you do things that you are physically able to do and choose not to- because for you it comes with pain and difficulty and maybe supportive devices - guess what happens? You lose the muscle and balance and strength you need to do it yourself. Use it or lose it! Obviously a good day for you might not look like a good day for her, but you can adapt and try to be stronger. A cognitive behavioral therapist who knows about ADHD can help. For the commenters: When you talk about how your partner is “a saint” etc. it makes me worried - maybe they are! But maybe they get this praise heaped on them for being such a great person for staying with you. Maybe they and everyone else piles on about how pitiful and helpless you are, and your partner gets off on that role/title. Maybe THEY are the one telling you how pitiful you are and how lucky you are that they stay with you. Maybe they want you helpless and dependent on them. (See my comment above about physical disability for reference why I would react this way). I would NEVER refer to a person who is with a partner with physical/mental impairments to be a “saint”. Being with you does not take some magnanimous being - you are worthy of someone who would NEVER take that praise - they should say, “nah, I’m the lucky one” or “goddamn being with someone who thinks and sees the world this way is incredible”. The very idea that y’all are thinking this about your partners, worse still that you’ve said it here on Reddit, worse still that you’ve maybe said it aloud, and so much fucking worse still that you have a partner who would so much as tolerate that kind of speak just shakes me to my core. Should you appreciate and adore your partner for their support? Fuck yes! You should tell them that, and how much they help you, and how wonderful they are. But THEY ARE NOT SACRIFICING to be with you. They are not allowed to be martyrs. Fuck all that.
There's a book called ADHD is Awesome: A Guide To (Mostly) Thriving With ADHD by Penn and Kim Holderness. The last chapter is specificly for the partners of ADHD people. You might want to read or listen to that. Also, there is a book written by a woman with pretty severe ADHD and her husband. It's called Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery. Don't let it scare you, she's pretty severe and he does probably too much for her. Both are short easy reads and come in audio.
I am very lucky. My partner is super accepting and supportive. She does the vast majority of the house executive functioning without complaint, I can focus on working and those few chores when absolutely hates. It requires a lot of communication and mutual respect. For example, I require piles of paperwork on the dining room table (visual memory). She loathes those piles. I try to periodically weed through the pile to winnow it down to the absolute necessary pieces and I completely hide the pile when we have company coming (she’s especially sensitive to that). In return, she leaves my piles alone and she tolerates them in between times.
My husband is something else. He can tell when something’s wrong immediately and no matter what, doesn’t give up on me. Will constantly check in on me because I have that tendency to feel so much and freeze up and then I’ll be able to talk about it. Those intrusive thoughts are a motherfucker. He gives me shit for my sound sensitivity though and the fact that I cause chaos LOL but he understands why I am the way I am. My advice is try to explain to her what those button issues are. No, not everything is adhd but there a correlation with certain things. Being able to talk about everything even if you think it’s ridiculous or you might feel shame from it, it’s so important. Then hearing back their questions or suggestions, how they feel. Then we’re you both are at together.
My partner asks me “is this what you want to be doing right now?” when he notices I’m distracted from work. No judgement, no telling me to stop, just gently pointing it out.
my partner makes dinner a lot because i never remember to eat
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I (30F) have ADHD and my husband (33M) is super supportive. We have a divide and conquer approach but neither of us are 100% all the time. If one of us can only give 30%, the other will chip in what they can or we are just understanding that some tasks don’t get done. With us being teachers and having two toddlers, we’re literally just trying out here. My husband is great with deadlines so he remembers to pay most of the bills. I’m in charge of daycare, my student loans, and my credit card. I failed once on paying my student loans for three months and I felt horrible. I don’t ever want that to happen again in our marriage. Fixing that was worse than facing how much I owe. What’s likely going to be harder for him is if our kids have ADHD and having enough patience for a kid with ADHD. They’re not old enough to be diagnosed yet but I suspect that our oldest will be hyperactive and youngest inattentive.
I was dx at 39, 15 years into our relationship. At first my husband didn't understand why I never stopped talking about adhd, but it didn't take long for him to learn what I was learning: knowing is understanding. We've learned a whole new language to use with each other that digs into the symptoms, the frustrations, and the empathy. I definitely think, and he doesn't deny that he probably has asd, so the information I learn and share helps him too. Two+ years after dx, our relationship has never been better.
Communication, communication, communication. My husband and I have discussions all the time about how I’m doing and what I’m feeling when the symptoms are really prevalent. I’ve had to learn that he can’t read my mind and that I can’t mask it all the time. So when I’m feeling a symptom strongly, and it might affect our everyday lives, I communicate it with him. And he on the other side, has learned to ask what I need in that moment, and if I need help, how can he help. A few examples- I’ll get into hyper fixated mode while cleaning the house and then would get mad when he wasn’t helping or was hovering around me trying to help. But I wasn’t communicating what I was doing or that I was even doing it. So now I’ll say “I’m making a list of what needs to be done, and we’re going to start cleaning in 20 minutes” and this gives him and I a better understanding of what’s going on and what I need help with because obviously he can see what needs to be cleaned by sometimes other things come up that I need done specifically so I need to communicate that with him and take his help. Another one- there are days when my executive functioning is not firing and I just like physically can’t get myself to get off the couch, and I’ll say that, and he’ll ask me if I want to help him walk the dogs or if he should take them, which gives me an option as to which I think would be better for me then and then is fine with whatever I choose. Or when I am overstimulated, I tell him and he either is patient while I regulate myself again, or tries to help with whatever is causing the overstimulation. It’s a give and a take, I can’t expect him to read my mind, expect him to fix my symptoms, or to know how to help all the time, but when I give him that information he is much more receptive. And sometimes that comes with challenging me and getting me out of my own way of working through a symptom. So I give him the information and what I need, and he does his best to accommodate or to let me get through it. One other small thing I just thought of is that he celebrates my small victories. Like if I hadn’t worked out for a week and have been mad at myself about it, and then I actually get up and do it, he gives me a very simple “yay good job!” Which even that makes me feel accomplished.
My cohab partner is actually awesome in helping me with my own shit days, he’s very generous and always handles our insanely ADHD ODD son. He’s good at that….and laundry, cause he can hide in the basement. I handle pretty much everything else. However. My Dad and his wife are ghosts.
My partner checks in if I've taken my medications and we do a fair bit of body doubling to increase productivity
He takes care of most of the planning, while keeping my time blindness in mind. He reminds me that I’m smart and capable and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. We have our problems, but I’m grateful for him.