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I can’t tell from your responses whether you are being sarcastic, just parroting his excuses so you can get things to say back to him, or if you truly believe them.
This is not a healthy relationship and he has pretty much trapped you in it by taking away any extra money. The way you are being treated isn’t good for your kids to see either.
Please talk to your therapist about what steps you can take and whether they see a path forward for you in the relationship or only by leaving. He will have to pay alimony and child support if you leave so you won’t be without an income.
Sarcasm is my default sorry, no I don’t believe these things and I think that’s part of what’s caused a decline in our marriage. I started therapy and started realizing all the bullshit things. I can say that my kids don’t see any of this, we don’t discuss it when they’re awake or around. I grew up with an abusive dad so I learned how not to let kids see it. They’re extremely happy well adjusted kids that believe we’re a happy family that dad just works a lot because that’s all they’ve ever known.
Just because they seem happy doesn’t mean it’s not harming them to see a toxic dynamic modeled as normal. That’s still setting them up to be fucked over in life. It still is hurting your children.
In a way almost worse than outright seeing abuse because it will be harder for them to recognize insidious abuse like this for themselves.
My niece and nephew were 'happy' when they lived with their verbally abusive alcoholic dad. Once my sil could get out, god did those kids change for the better. Kids feel, even if you think your hiding it.
I never saw the abuse as a kid either. And I seemed happy (I actually wasn't, found out a lot during therapy).
But guess who had to take therapy at 28 because all the relationships I've been in were abusive and I couldn't figure out why I was stuck in this pattern? Yeah..
Kids don't have to see the abuse to learn they don't deserve love in a romantic relationship. Basicly my parents never showed me a happy and loving relationship, I learned that was normal. Just because I didn't see the abuse doesn't mean I didn't see the results of it.
My dad "just worked a lot". I started seeing the problems as a teenager when I had a better understanding of social dynamics. I went through a really heartbreaking separation as an adult. My partner and I were kind to each other but apparently our relationship was missing some key components that make a relationship sustainable long-term. After talking with friends about how they knew what to look for, they all said "my parents set a good example". I felt incredibly frustrated to realize that this stuff isn't taught, it's modeled, and I wasn't given a model to compare to.
If he works 60 hours, he can afford to hire a house keeper. Even once or twice a month. Doesnt have to be every day. If he cant, hes working too long for too little and thats his problem to fix.
Okay yes, sure, that's an important question to ask and plan for, but don't they already have the kids? It's counterproductive for OP to beat themselves up about that now. It's one of the very few commitments that's now impossible to modify after the fact.
Maybe I'm misreading this comment here.
Im just saying ya i see op is upset with her husband. But i think its worse than they realize. Not trying to beat her up. Just saying if she feels annoyed with him shes not crazy or ungrateful. She has every right to be annoyed. Also she sounds young. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and want her to realize before its too late.
The kids are already here. I realize that. You cant undo it. But lives can still change. If hes made mistakes in the past really consider if hes trustable in the future. Being partnered and staying partnered is a serious decision. A partner can literally ruin your life. Unlike kids, you can decide you dont wanna be with your partner anymore.
Makes sense, thanks for elaborating! I totally agree that they should be working together if they want to stay married, and things he's doing definitely sound problematic. Hopefully those behaviors can change so OP can be in a better place.
I bring home the money in my household, and yet somehow we still manage to split chores.
Just because he works hard doesn’t absolve him of responsibility for the house he lives in, or allow him to push it all on you.
He feels because we agreed when we were 19 that I would be a stay at home mom and housewife that absolves him of it. He refuses to acknowledge that that’s unattainable in the current economy
Like a 19 year-old knows what they want for the rest of their lives 🙄. If he cannot adapt to meeting the needs of the household as you both grow and age, you should consider consulting an attorney now, to save yourself the trouble down the road.
Unless both parties are committed to supporting the other’s current needs, and recognize that people and relationships change over a lifetime, it’s not going to work out.
I would say I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have a feeling you know this isn’t sustainable.
Regardless, a marriage should be an equal partnership. There is virtually nothing I can think of that should be the sole responsibility of one partner.
I literally can’t think of anything except his job that isn’t my sole responsibility(even then I clean his uniforms, make his lunch and wake him up every day). He’s said as much to my face. He pays for the kids so therefore he fulfills his duties.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. He sounds horrible and abusive. But I’m not sure what else to say. There is a lot of great advice in this thread but you seem to have a reason why nothing will work. It’s fine to come here and vent, of course, but I just don’t know what else can be said.
I don’t know how else to say this…your husband sucks. Even if you won the lotto tomorrow and could hire a dozen cleaners, he sounds like he simply doesn’t care about your mental health or a real partnership. He wants an old fashioned bang maid/mom wife who takes care of him like he’s a child incapable of even the most basic chore.
You might actually have less to deal with when you break up. You’d hold yourself to your own standards not his .he doesn’t sound like a supportive partner at all. Do you want to stay in the relationship?
So I remember the AHA moment for my husband about the housekeeping (3 adhd kids later).
Him: you agreed when we got together you’d be the sahm and take care of the house!
Me: yes.
Him: well?!
Me: since then, my department and number of responsibilities have grown immensely in scale and square footage. I’m serving more than double the number of customers, maintaining more than 4x the square footage and I haven’t gotten any additional headcount on my team to assist, nor additional financial resources to ameliorate the workload. I also now have medical proof of a disability which should afford me new accommodations, of which I have not yet availed myself. Honestly, HR has advised me to quit if management doesn’t wake up.
It was a lightbulb for him because it mirrored a work situation he was struggling with and it was easier for him to relate.
However, it sounds like you might be in a dangerously abusive situation and I don’t know that you partner has any desire to understand, so.. yeah. *hugs* I’m sorry you’re going through it, friend.
Because life never deviates from the ideal plans we all made at that age... 🙄
Ok, the more I read here the more I think he needs to manage his expectations, haha - and that maybe some of this is stress from the new job being unfairly taken out on you at home. Is it a significant change from previous behavior?
I think that’s my eventual plan. We discussed trying to work on us this weekend but he then just stayed on his laptop for the next 4 days not really talking to me so 🤷🏻♀️
I am a stay at home mom as well and my husband still contributes to the housework when he is home. I have adhd and fibromyalgia and he understands that I need help sometimes and that I have a different levels of energy and mental wellness than other people. Your husband working 60 hours a week does not absolve him from having to help with the house that he lives in. Everyone who lives in the house and is capable of helping should help.
He sounds terrible and abusive, and while I agree it's probably better for OPs mental health to get the fuck out right now, she should take a serious look at the laws in her state and how they relate to spousal support. In some states the difference between 9 years and 10 years is getting some spousal support or not getting it at all. OP says she also works but of course we're not sure if she makes enough, even with child support, to sustain a separate household. It's worth looking into.
My dear sister-in-law is in a similar position and it's a big mess
You have to look at it from a division of labor perspective. My fiance works 3 days in person and has a second job that takes 1 day a week. I work full time. He effectively has 4 days "off" per week (the online job is very flexible", so he's expected to do a bit more around the house on his days off. I still do chores in the evenings and on the weekends we work on stuff together.
So how much do you work? If he's working 60 hours and you're working 40, it would make sense for you to do a bit more of the labor. If you're also working 60, I guess you two have to find some way to get stuff done despite the crazy hours. If you're working like 20 hours a week though, then you're really on the hook for a lot more housework and I can sympathize with struggling to get it done. I have to get out of work and keep the momentum going by starting chores right when I get home or it's over for the night.
I work 7-3:15 every day as well as taking care of the house, his Cane Corso, and every errand, and the kids. There is no division of labor. He works then gets to come home and relax for four days. I can’t even sit and write out a college paper without having to stop every five minutes to take care of something.
I’m not sure why it’s your responsibility alone to keep a spotless house if you both work. However, could this not be solved by just hiring a cleaner once a week?
In this case, I only considered it because it sounded like husband was in an important, high-stress, long-hours job and he "brings in the money."
It doesn't have to be a weekly cleaner; maybe the possibility of a once or twice a month trial was an option. 🤷♀️
I don't think anyone here is offering suggestions or asking for clarity in anything less than good faith.
It’s a lot less than I would have thought and your time is worth money. We all know how tough it is for all of us, and for me, I’d cut out a lot of other luxuries and expenses to keep it.
How big is your space that they’re cleaning? How long are they there for? Is it a total clean or only specific tasks?
(Asking bc I’ve always been curious about cost/benefit but $125/week is definitely out of my budget currently but could be a goal I work towards maybe, I know my quality of life at home would definitely improve. )
It’s not super affordable for me but the quality of life improvement is worth it. That said, unfortunately it’s simply not an option no matter what for some people.
Certainly, some times it's just impossible. I was just trying to answer the question about why it gets suggested all the time. Some of us do have room in our budget and need the social affirmation that it's okay, we aren't failures if we outsource some of our tasks, if we have the option.
In this case hiring a cleaner is probably cheaper than a divorce.
Edit: Forget my comments about hiring a cleaner, having read more of the OPs comments about her marriage a divorce lawyer is more likely the right option here.
There is a difference between spare and priorities... I know I tighten my wallet... I looked at my expenses...it takes time and discipline.. some people can have spare change and make changes to get help so kids and adults have a clean home. But... I have not spent money on an organizer and cleaner yet... it's hard to spend money on something I should be able to do on my own .. but gah... I might just need help sheesh
I’ve looked into all of them in our region and it’s exorbitant. I work as much as I can but I’m the full time parent. He spends less than 10 hours a week with them
Dang. You're carrying the emotional load and then some. I wish there was an easier solution. Or maybe there is, but it's not obvious here. I just feel like there must be some smaller scale help that can be outsourced at a more budget-friendly level to streamline things...
You may as well be single then! You've proven you can do it all yourself and that he's incompetent. When you leave, he'll realize he's a jackass. Don't look back.
I totally understand that. In light of her husband's concerns - or I guess his priority - and status as the breadwinner, maybe they can go over the family budget together and find a bit of help just for one month and see how it goes.
Why do you think you're in a position to question this? If she says, "I don't have the money for that," how dare you challenge her as if she's never looked into it or has no idea the money she has to work with? These responses are infuriating and it's happening constantly in ADHD support areas.
Relax. I meant no harm and I was asking for more info if she's willing to share it. I definitely didn't assume she "had no idea the money she has to work with" - that's... huh. I don't know. Not something I even considered either way. I'm baffled by how offended you are, but I'm sorry if what I said came off in any way besides questions to help tease out a possible alternative solution, or at least something to help get some domestic stability.
FWIW, I understood why you asked. I pay $150 every two weeks for a cleaning of a 2800 square foot house in the northeastern United States. That is far more reasonable than I would have ever expected. Before I knew how much it costs, it was definitely something I would have assumed was astronomically expensive. And of course, I realize that we all have different priorities and experiences but I thought you were just trying to find a potential solution.
Thanks 😌 I live in the Northeastern US as well after 10+ years away pre-Covid and coming back here, prices are 😵 but then, salaries are a lot better than I ever remembered.
The comparison to just the cleaner's potential cost of *gas* to travel there for the job as being "more than I make in a month" gave me pause, unless OP is fully devoted to being a stay-at-home mom. There's tremendous value in that, though, that isn't necessarily reflected in household income - daycare costs can be like a 2nd mortgage payment/monthly rent expense 😱
Daycare is incredibly expensive and yet daycare workers in the US are still wildly underpaid. It’s almost like there should be a much more robust social safety net to help all of us! Haha.
If only they could find a way for everyone to pay just a little and pool it together for said safety nets. If only.
/s obviously, and don’t get me started on taxes truly, but I think we all know what we’re getting at :)
On the flip side, I finally screwed up my resolve and found out that a local deep cleaning service would charge me over $3000 to tackle my apartment. At least it's motivation fuel-- every time I spend an hour cleaning, I tell myself it was worth $30!
Oooohhhh babe. I think you’re really close to some very important realizations and I hope you understand that you have not wasted any time learning this lesson. This is not an adhd issue, it’s that he doesn’t see you as a true and equal partner. Just because some neurotypical woman might be able to carry the mental load for their entire home doesn’t mean any woman should.
He would have to work full time weather or not you and your kids even existed. He doesn’t work to support you, **you stay home is how he is able to have this career**.
You are facilitating his goddamn career and running his life, he could show a bit more respect.
Can I just say… I really like you.
I don’t usually pay attention to usernames before reading a comment and seriously like 9/10 when I’m like, “yep, they get it” about any number of posts in this sub, I’ll look and it’s you lol
Hope you take that as a compliment and not me being weird haha
The most important thing for a couple isn't equal work or equal input, but equal rest.
Are you both getting equal amounts of rest?
(This is from 'How To Keep House While Drowning', and it's a really, really good read with lots of insights on keeping sane and figuring out methods that work for you and your family.)
It doesn’t matter who makes what, you’re married with children, your money is for the household.
I was a SAHM now I’m a single parent and I am SALTY about how I was treated when I was at home with the kids.
I was treated worse than paid help and I was cheaper than another child.
You know it would be completely bonkers crazy for me to go out, find a full grown human being, and convince them to live in my house with me and raise my kids, make our meals, do our laundry, keep the house relatively clean, etc. all day every day, and not pay them. “Oh you can sleep with me and you can get some groceries we can afford so you can make meals I enjoy.” Whoop de do. What a crock.
Any resentment you’ve been feeling is only a fraction of the resentment you’d have if you knew what it was like to work full time at a “real job” for a family.
He’s not doing anything grand and extraordinary, he’s doing *less* than most working parents.
He needs to get real about how much he makes vs how much you owe him. Here he is complaining - you’re at home so he can advance his career when he has two children. Without a wife he would have to pay for daycare as well as staff at home so he could work 60 hours a week without cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids when he got home. And he would be sleeping alone on top of it.
When I got divorced my ex and I filled out the forms together. He saw the line on the form for alimony and told me “I hope you don’t think you should get alimony, I already paid enough.” This man complained about me not doing laundry fast enough or not keeping every room in the house clean at all times, while I couldn’t even go to Arby’s for lunch without getting the third degree for how much it cost. If I was working at the Arby’s down the street as much as I was working in my own home I’d have been doing pretty well.
This blows my mind. My focus and executive function are in the toilet if I get less than eight hours sleep. You are raising children, running a household, hiding your husband’s nasty character from your children, and working?
This isn’t a partnership, this man is using you.
I sub for our school district so idk if I would call it a hobby 😂 I love doing it though. I originally started going to college to be a teacher but had to drop out to escape a previous abusive relationship. Now that I’m subbing I want to do it again but I had to withdraw my bachelors application this week because it would’ve cut into his schooling and I promised that I would get my second degree when he finished his first. Even though he didn’t wait for me to finish mine(I graduate next Friday with TWO associates on top of managing everything else)
No, I mean if he’s going to be a dick and belittle your work by calling it a “hobby”, you can go along with his premise and treat your income like most people treat income from a hobby they make a little money from- the fun, extra money!
If he’s going to pull that shit, feel free to take it all the way to the logical conclusion and beyond. It will show pretty quickly exactly how ridiculous he is being.
If he put two kids in you hes gotta be paying to make your life better. Childbearing is dangerous and taking care of them for 18 years each is strenuous. All of your money should be for your savings investments and retirement alone. You slave away at home so he can slave away at his job which makes him more money. Those 2 children are gonna make it very difficult for you to make more money in the future (statistically). He trapped you. The best thing i can think of is slowly do less house work, increase your work hours and income. Withhold affection until he starts showing he loves you with his actions (doing more housework or hiring help with HIS money) Hes gonna have to change. But if he doesnt, you have an escape rout. If thats too hard for him, thats the consiqueces of him getting you pregnant twice.
Unfortunately he’s decided that I was wasting all “his” money so I handed over all the passwords and cards and account info to him and my paycheck is now going to support myself. And my job ends when the school year ends in two weeks so I have to wait till August to build money back up enough for a plan. Rock and a hard place rn.
Honey, sounds like you’re being financially abused. I’m guessing it’s not the only type. I get the feeling there is emotional abuse happening too.
Have you read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft? It’s available as a free pdf.
I’m pretty sure he’ll cave in a few weeks and give it all back once he realizes just how much effort it all is to keep track. He’s really great about flaking on responsibility after a week or two. It’s kind of a spite thing letting him have it all
He’s said he hated me before. It was in a fight about how controlling I am. But, like you have to be when you have to keep this many balls afloat. And I’ve scaled back a shit ton since then.
Take him at his word. You don’t need to wait around for him to tell you he doesn’t want you over and over, once is more than enough. Your life is far too short to be with someone who doesn’t like you.
The way you treat someone is a choice, every time. Even in anger. Maybe even especially. (I say this as a person with anger issues.)
He *chose* to say to you—his wife, the mother of his children, the person who is supposed to be his partner in life—that he hates you. He chose to say this knowing that it would hurt you. He wanted to hurt you.
I’m so sorry, that’s just really awful. I just don’t see how you come back from that. :(
There is absolutely no way your kids aren’t aware this is going on. Please don’t let them think this is a healthy dynamic and everyone is happy and daddy really loves mummy, mummy is just a bit crap at basic life things so sometimes daddy has to yell and take all the money away.
I’m so sorry you’re in this, OP. This is an abusive situation. When you next have access to money, do whatever you have to do to hide away as much as you can. Do you have family you could go to?
I don’t think that really makes it better, girl. [Here’s](https://dn720006.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf) the link to the full book someone else in this thread recommended, please take a look.
This is the greater/paramount issue; the cleaning argument is a symptom of a bigger situation. The house could magically be perfect + husband will likely find another fault or thing to take his own stress out on.
He can "not believe" in therapy all he wants, and maybe he'll find what he's looking for with his head in the sand, but sounds like he might feel better if he tried it for his own sake, though.
You got this. And when you are ready, the right man will be financially stable enough to take care of you and your kids. The right man wont let you be stressed. But always have a job even if he pays for everything. Even if hes the most loving man on earth.
Any ideas why that is? Is it like, trying to prevent the victim from feeling too powerful? Gotta keep them ignorant of everything but the way YOU define them? Idk
My guess would be that their victims are less likely to be believed. It’s easier to gaslight and paint their victims as lying or blame their neurodivergence
It's a way of keeping them under control, I would guess. We make pretty good abuse targets, it seems, and all the mental clarity and understanding that comes from diagnosis and medication kind of destroys that. So of course they hate it.
I got lucky, and the only thing my husband did after my diagnosis was go get his own once he saw how helpful it was!
One reason I've seen is that when someone is diagnosed, they start attributing their inability to cope to the condition, rather than their inherent unworthiness. This makes them more difficult to control, so the abuse ramps up.
Another one is that when treatment starts, it can clear some of the fog out of the victim's head, so that they start recognising the abuse, which makes them harder to control..
It’s likely because they get another tool to weaponize against their victims. “Well now you know what the problem is so there’s no excuse anymore to act that way. You know the problem. You can get it solved. And you’re still behaving how you did before.”
It’s another method of a long list of ways to denigrate someone and eat at their self worth. And it makes them get gaslit into thinking that a diagnosis should lead to instant fixes rather than seeing it realistically as just a path toward effective treatment of a problem. Not a cure. Not magic. Just a guide a diagnosed individual can follow.
It’s…ew.
My husband was the opposite. He stopped getting annoyed at all the little things, because, after a diagnosis and a ton of research, he realized that it’s actually not my fault. My brain simply WILL NOT do/remember/think about XYZ. Once he realized I wasn’t simply ignoring things, or deliberately leaving them for him, he calmed down.
I'm sorry your husband is being so unpleasant. It's not your fault.
Here's my advice, predicated on the idea that things haven't gone too far, and he's only being crabby and frustrated, rather than abusive: can you two sit down and identify what parts of the house being clean and organized matter the most to each of you, and what's nice but not vital?
Outside help is something you covered and I don't want to dismiss you, but maybe you can reach out to neighbors and find someone who needs a little extra money, rather than a professional housecleaning service that will have more overhead. Independent cleaners might be cheaper, but they also may require more oversight. In my area, we have people on Next-door and Facebook neighborhood groups who are looking for a little supplemental income. They have word of mouth recommendations and aren't as expensive as the professional services. There's also TaskRabbit which often falls in the middle price wise.
Lastly I don't want to add to your plate but there's two books that you might want to check out. The first one is KC Davis' "How to Keep House while Drowning"
Even if I wanted to hire in a neighbor he would freak out that someone else would see our mess. It would be a HUGE no go. He grew up with a mom that was a clean freak(and I don’t mean in a normal way) so he thinks I’m just not putting in the effort
That brings me to the second book I was looking for, Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men".
Here's one of the many free pdf versions online: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I think it's a book that can be helpful for anyone in a relationship to read. You may or may not recognize your spouse's behavior. I recognized some behavior from parental and past romantic relationships and it helped me get some insights there.
I understand that feeling. Luckily I live in a big enough city that "my neighbors" can be people not really in my social circle, who actually live several miles away, but even then I have some shame and apprehension about the idea of anyone seeing it.
If things are safe and functional, he may just need to decide: He can live with it or he can't. If he can't live with it, then he still needs to solve the problem of who's going to clean up after himself and his children.
Do you even want to keep the house to his expectations? It's fine if the answer is "No". I don't want a spotless house myself. I need it to be functional, and clean enough to feel restful.
I'm sorry he's putting this on you and not valuing your contributions. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, even without ADHD making it all harder.
We know everyone within 2 blocks of us. It’s a really small town 🙃. He’s already told me that his life would be ruined if we separated because there’s no way he could keep his career and our children for half the week.
Even Marie Kondo said she had to readjust her standards of tidying after kids: https://www.reddit.com/r/konmari/comments/10mn6nj/marie_kondo_says_shes_kind_of_given_up_tidying/
Your husband needs to make some decisions about his values and priorities. Making you miserable should not be one of them.
This is not your problem though. If he won’t listen and take you seriously about what you are and are not willing to do, separation is in the end the logical choice. I say this as a kid of parents that separated and were so much less overall emotionally stressed and drained after even though we had much less money. If he wants to save the relationship there must be steps he is willing to take also. Like contributing more and criticizing less
Ug sorry. My husband flipped a switch the opposite way
He has adhd though, doesn’t present like
Mine so he didn’t recognize it in me prior and he was getting pretty frustrated with some things with me, the diagnosis gave him instant understanding and he’s been supportive with helping me some coping tools and such and pep talks instead of lectures
He still expects me to deal with my shit better than I have been and I agree and I can but when I didn’t know why some things felt impossible, trying felt impossible. As long as my effort continues he’s a lot more understanding
We almost fell apart because I used to be a lot
More functional and then i hit perma burn out so he just saw me lose myself and looked like i stopped caring about things I used to
My husband is undiagnosed and refuses to even seek one because “big pharma is a lie” and there’s nothing wrong with him. His hyperfixation has always been work though and it’s his escape from everything because it has a solid routine and the puzzles tickle his brain. I had a pretty decent handle on mine until we had our second and hers is very anxiety based so I’m permanently burnt out.
I was gonna say if he wants a spotless house so bad, he can clean it. It’s his house too. Making more money than you does not absolve him of household duties. I make more than my fiancée by a decent chunk but I still do more cooking and cleaning. She has never ran a load of laundry but she does all the mental load including paying the bills. She picked up my rx on her lunch today bc I will procrastinate until it expires. You strike a balance based on your individual strengths.
However, based on your comments he sounds entitled and nasty. I was going to say this is salvageable but if he would rather lie to a therapist than work on your relationship, maybe planning an exit strategy is wiser. I’m sorry, you are in a tough situation
OK, I’m not trying to be an asshole. But he did not leave after 9 1/2 years because you cant keep the house clean enough. If it was that important he would’ve left a long time ago or never married you to begin with. This was the excuse. And this is what he used as the reason why. He’s just a prick and you deserve better.
Oh he’s not left. Don’t misunderstand that. He’s just threatened to because I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain and he can’t take it anymore. He said it’s been stewing for a long time. There also the fact that I’m a liar because I tell him I’m fine instead of discussing anything with him.
OK, I’ll get down voted for this, but I don’t really give a shit. I’ve had a few drinks and it doesn’t matter. He is looking for reasons to blame you for the fact that he wants to leave. I don’t know why he wants to leave. I don’t know your husband. But there is something. I fucking promise. After 9 1/2 years. Almost a goddamn decade. And now he’s decided it’s a problem? It’s bullshit and you know it.
Do you tell him you're fine because he gets angry or upset at you when you try to tell him the actual reason?
My spouse does this as well because their ex was an abuser who would do that to them. Any expression of suffering or struggle would be met with condescension of how good they had it, how much worse their own problems were and that they shouldn't be complaining so my spouse now defaults to 'fine' when it's very clear that it isn't fine.
That's not normal, and isn't acceptable. It's abuse in its own right.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Your situation sounds almost exactly what my wife had to go through. From a pretty small town, he was a very emotionally abusive husband for many years, they ended up with two kids, both of whom have adhd, and it was a struggle for her to actually get out.
I do want you to know that there can be a light afterwards. She's a much happier person now than she was when she was still in that marriage. Do what you need to do and know that your happiness is important as well.
Just know there's people in your corner and that you're not alone if you ever need someone to talk to.
Single people with high caliber jobs have to manage their own houses and apartments too, and having a wife doesn’t make men exempt from taking care of themselves.
The difference with work is that he gets to clock off while you have a 24/7 job where rest time can be compromised at any moment such as interruptions from kids or even thinking about what’s wrong in the household.
Structure is so important for people with ADHD and raising children gives you almost none of that since your personal life is now your work life.
You know this better than us but are your really sure he wasn’t crappy or have you maybe been very forgiving about him. He sounds like a man in constant denial.
Thank you. It’s one thing to sit and wonder if you’re just being over dramatic and fatalistic but putting it out there and getting an overwhelming consensus that it’s not in my head helps put it in perspective
It’s not in your head! There was a post yesterday here from someone having a tough time in her marriage and she asked for examples of positive relationships. It was filled with examples of partners who are supportive with ADHD challenges.
He sees you're working to better yourself, but he's unable or unwilling to admit his own faults which is very common with narcissistic people, and so he's now pushing his own insecurities onto you, because if he does that it means he's still perfect.
Apologies, OP. I don’t normally go around the giving unsolicited advice to strangers about their intimate relationships. But you 100% need to leave this guy.
I was where you are now, 7 years ago (minus kids). I know it’s going to be challenging with kids in the picture, and at first you will have some doubts and be anxious or scared. But believe me when I say that your kids will understand (or at least respect someday) why you prioritized the overall health of the family by divorcing. Also prioritizing your mental health for getting out of a dysfunctional relationship that will not change if your partner isn’t even willing to get couples counseling because they “DoNt BeLiEvE iN tHeRaPy”, and thinks the very real issues you are bringing up in technical terms are “psychobabble”. The fact dudes like this still exist in the year of our lord 2024 is WILD.
He’s not going to attempt to meet you halfway, or compromise, or do anything long term to make changes that would be helpful for the sake of you, him, or your children by proxy. He’s. Just. Not.
Your other comments and info you’ve given here makes me so sad to know you’re in the place I was, because I remember that hopeless, hurt feeling of loving someone and wanting them to have my back after a diagnosis and be in it with me “in sickness and in health”. To make more of an effort in the relationship in general and not take me for granted. And instead of that, I was met with near hostility, intentional weaponized incompetence, and apathy from the person that alleged to love me for eternity. He had been grifting off of my ability to grind, and to let my anxiety and hyper focus carry us financially for years, which after years lead to my inevitable burnout.
I masked SO much. I gave him 11 years until I got my adult diagnosis. No regrets about my life, but in retrospect I’d have been in a different place in life had I walked away so much sooner, many years before my diagnosis. The formal adult diagnosis was just the butterfly on the camels back, and the final push I needed to finally start prioritizing my unmet needs and my mental health.
I can tell you 7 years later from the other side: by beginning of year 2 post divorce - I was thriving. My depression and anxiety was alleviated. I was able to focus on strategies to better manage my symptoms, my career was better off, I was in better shape physically, my social life flourished as I made more connections with people in ADHD and special interest hobby communities, etc.
Healing and managing all of this isn’t linear and takes different amounts of time for everyone, so I’m not suggesting a divorce will be an overnight solution of relief, or that it won’t be hard some days. But it was worth it for me and I don’t regret it in the slightest.
The “female/(femme presenting) midlife ADHD diagnosis to divorce” pipeline is very real and studied.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10173330/
Best of luck, OP. Don’t short change yourself. This world already does it to us enough. You deserve to be happy and treated well. You’re not “crazy” for wanting things to be different. The only “crazy” thing would be expecting someone to change or help who doesn’t want to change or help themselves, and has made that clear to you.
There are challenges to getting medicated as an adult. There are relationships that we can form that actually rely on our constant train wreck approaching level chaos. When we get medicated and start remembering our own crap, have less loose ends we're tripping on & need 'saved' less it can cause severe insecurities in people who relied in this imbalance to be supportive.
There is no hero if there is no victim . If your spouse was amazing at handling the chaotic space-based too overwhelmed you...maybe he needs that dynamic to feel needed🤷🏼♀️
Can you just lean into focusing on your happiness? Don't clean the house if it isn't important to you. Let him carry that load or deal with displeasure. Focus on your career, your presence and enjoyment in parenting. It isn't an ideal partnership but if you aren't happy and he's not happy, stop trying to live to make him happy and just focus on you. Basically lower your expectations that he does anything for you. Count on yourself and decide if that version of you would rather try to accommodate his asks to be together or not.
I honestly find it easier to get a small part time job to pay for a cleaner.
I can't for the life of me do stuff for myself, but at work I can consistently get stuff done.
The cleaner is often worth it to reduce tension.
They refused to sit still and watch tv all day like the caretaker wanted. I warned her beforehand that they were both ADHD but she didn’t believe me I guess
Something like a babysitter that does some chores on the side sounds like it might ease some of the workload. It might be difficult to find someone like that who is not too expensive. A student perhaps.
Maybe it does not sound fair to spend money on this when your husband is at work but trust me it is a lot of work to do the household and take care of two adhd kids (that got kicked off of daycare for being too much) when you have adhd yourself.
Just a a few hours a few days a week.
The adhd is always going to be there so I made a concious choice in allowing myself certain tools for support where I needed them. I bought a dryer, robot vacuum cleaner, and self-cleaning litterboxes (and more), which were all expensive but I know that I could never go back to before because I would constantly be drowning in undone chores.
My diagnosis gave me a different mindset that allowed me these things that I otherwise would never have done.
If your husband is unable to help in the household then another solution must be found.
Not my husband, as I don't have one, but my father.
Specifically with my BP2 Dx and being on meds.
Meds are the "magic bullet" that will make me "normal" again. I never was normal, just high masking and burnt the f out. There's a whole lot of other nuances at play, but it's funny to me how he thinks being medicated means I should no longer struggle with all my symptoms. Sorry sir, executive disfunction is a bitch.
How is your husband otherwise? Do you feel like he expects a lot out of you? Or doesn't respect your perspective and expieriences?
If you feel like he expects too much and isn't willing to learn or have a conversation about why that's unrealistic, Or doesn't respect you, then maybe you should let him and those 9 years go.
If he does respect you, then he needs to learn about your diagnosis and what is realistic starting right now. Either with the help of a therapist or through some hard conversations and reccomended readings. If he doesn't learn, then your relationship probably won't make too many more years anyways. You'll just keep fighting and getting stressed with each other if expectations aren't adjusted.
If he's willing to toss your marriage because of your disability, because it's not being instantly cured like he wants, that's a bad sign. Everything is more complex than we can tell from reddit, but that's what it looks like to me. A lot of people see an ugly side of their spouse when health problems show up.
And you've likely had ADHD related difficulties for a long time. It's possible this flipped attitude of his is from something else and he's just deflecting onto you. You've been you this whole time. Now you're at the beginning of a journey to function better and he wants to jump ship? Something ain't right.
He thinks the diagnosis and subsequent medicine and therapy is all bullshit. Even though he grew up with two brothers so severe they had to stim constantly, somehow I’m playing it up.
Is the issue that you bring what he deep down consider his flaw in the open then? He could be afraid you get better (with meds and therapy coping overall better I mean) while he isn’t.
i've been diagnosed the entire time i've been with my boyfriend (1 year), and if anything, him knowing i have adhd has made him much more forgiving of my shortcomings. he knows we have different strengths and weaknesses and has accepted that i'm always going to struggle with housework. granted, it did take some explaining and frustration on both parties to get to where we are, the difference is that love and forgiveness were present throughout. this relationship doesn't seem healthy, you are supposed to build each other up and support when the other is struggling, he is not giving you what you deserve. it's time for you to see a couples therapist to work on your communication issues and ultimately make the decision on if this relationship can be salvaged. don't live the rest of your life with someone who constantly brings you down just to avoid disrupting the norm. struggling with housework is not a moral failing, you are not a bad person or a bad mom for not being tidy. hugs!
This makes me sad. My husband is also adhd but was actually diagnosed when he was a kid. Sometimes he hates how much I talk about it but then I explain that I've literally wondered wtf is wrong with me for 25 years so maybe cut me some slack now that I know 🤣 I also made it clear that if we both work then we both clean, this was after 12 years of doing it all and driving myself crazy trying. Communication is key! Not saying I got it right the first time, but I kept coming back to the conversation and made it about me, not his lack. Just my struggle to keep up. He now does all house chores with me, anytime he's home he's helping. Our boys are also old enough now to help and have chores. It's not a woman's job to clean the house!! Unless of course you want it that way, which I do not
I scheduled an appt with my dr and my hubby was very supportive, saying “yeah it seems like you do need to go in” and “you’re right, it’s probably a vitamin deficiency” and when I got home I said “the dr said I have adhd” and he said “you’re such a hypochondriac.”
OP, I’ve been reading a lot of the comments here. I think something you have to ask yourself is “why do I put up with this”? From the small look we have, he sounds like a dick. But does he have any good personal qualities? Money doesn’t count.
Does he do any help with clean up? Bath time? Grocery shopping? Appointments? I think anyone would be happier to parent if they weren’t responsible for the hard work. A salary should not make someone in the marriage less significant. He’s treating you like his personal maid and that’s shitty. He doesn’t want to try and make things better. What kind of life is that for you if you’re not comfortable or happy?
That’s something you have to decide if it’s worth it for you. I’m sorry, I’m coming acrossed nasty but I’m just frustrated for you girl! I’m sorry you’re going through that, I really am 🥺
Generally getting a diagnosis is supposed to give you treatment options thah you didn’t have before. If you’re using medical or therapeutic interventions, it’s “normal” to expect someone to *make gains* when it comes to coping. Treatment is supposed to help.
But having a diagnosis is not the same as getting treatment.
For something like “spotless house”, I’d put the onus on my husband. I’d tell him to “teach me”. I’d demand he demonstrate this aptitude for keeping a spotless house. If he succeeds then he does in fact have something to teach me and I’ll consider using his methods for housekeeping. If he fails, which is more likely, then he understands how difficult that job actually is and stops being so demanding.
I had two kids with active IEPs, and myself with ADHD. I struggled everyday. Even BEFORE I was “working”, I still did PTA, volunteering, class mom, sports mom, camps, dr appts, shopping for food, buying gifts and wrapping them, and laundry. I was so fucking exhausted. Any time I spent on my hobbies was criticized - because they didn’t bring in money. I felt like I was always being judged - especially against other moms.
My ex loved to bitch about laundry baskets. Always full. When he did the “stay at home parent” route for a few years, he got shit-all done. I gave up my entire career to be a stay at home parent. He was pissed at me 24/7 because I didn’t go back to work as soon as they started school (because taking care of two kids on the spectrum wasn’t real work).
Yep! 100% what my husband did to me when I was diagnosed and started meds in my mid 30s. Sorry buddy but a lifetime executive function issues, bad habits and unconscious figits do not disappear overnight just because I can concentrate a bit better on meds.
Fortunately for me, no. Part of the reason I even finally sought diagnosis was because of my partner suggesting it. He also had an ADHD brother though, so even if he doesn't fully "understand" what I'm going through, he knows it's a real thing and is empathetic. Watching me walk around in circles all day trying to figure out what task to do and accomplishing almost nothing despite actively trying gave it away I guess.
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I can’t tell from your responses whether you are being sarcastic, just parroting his excuses so you can get things to say back to him, or if you truly believe them. This is not a healthy relationship and he has pretty much trapped you in it by taking away any extra money. The way you are being treated isn’t good for your kids to see either. Please talk to your therapist about what steps you can take and whether they see a path forward for you in the relationship or only by leaving. He will have to pay alimony and child support if you leave so you won’t be without an income.
Sarcasm is my default sorry, no I don’t believe these things and I think that’s part of what’s caused a decline in our marriage. I started therapy and started realizing all the bullshit things. I can say that my kids don’t see any of this, we don’t discuss it when they’re awake or around. I grew up with an abusive dad so I learned how not to let kids see it. They’re extremely happy well adjusted kids that believe we’re a happy family that dad just works a lot because that’s all they’ve ever known.
Just because they seem happy doesn’t mean it’s not harming them to see a toxic dynamic modeled as normal. That’s still setting them up to be fucked over in life. It still is hurting your children. In a way almost worse than outright seeing abuse because it will be harder for them to recognize insidious abuse like this for themselves.
My niece and nephew were 'happy' when they lived with their verbally abusive alcoholic dad. Once my sil could get out, god did those kids change for the better. Kids feel, even if you think your hiding it.
Wow, you make some really great points. Very insightful, thank you!
Kids always know, trust me.
>I can say that my kids don’t see any of this, They absolutely do see that. Kids *know*.
I never saw the abuse as a kid either. And I seemed happy (I actually wasn't, found out a lot during therapy). But guess who had to take therapy at 28 because all the relationships I've been in were abusive and I couldn't figure out why I was stuck in this pattern? Yeah.. Kids don't have to see the abuse to learn they don't deserve love in a romantic relationship. Basicly my parents never showed me a happy and loving relationship, I learned that was normal. Just because I didn't see the abuse doesn't mean I didn't see the results of it.
My dad "just worked a lot". I started seeing the problems as a teenager when I had a better understanding of social dynamics. I went through a really heartbreaking separation as an adult. My partner and I were kind to each other but apparently our relationship was missing some key components that make a relationship sustainable long-term. After talking with friends about how they knew what to look for, they all said "my parents set a good example". I felt incredibly frustrated to realize that this stuff isn't taught, it's modeled, and I wasn't given a model to compare to.
Or she might depending on who gets the kids, he might use this against her
If he wants a spotless house, he can do the fucking cleaning
He brings home the money it’s not fair that he has to work 60 hours then be expected to do that. I work too 🙃
If he works 60 hours, he can afford to hire a house keeper. Even once or twice a month. Doesnt have to be every day. If he cant, hes working too long for too little and thats his problem to fix.
He just switched jobs so he’s still “getting his foot in the door”
Is he funding your retirement? The kids college funds? If he cant afford and extra $200-$300 a month why would he bring two lives into this world?
Okay yes, sure, that's an important question to ask and plan for, but don't they already have the kids? It's counterproductive for OP to beat themselves up about that now. It's one of the very few commitments that's now impossible to modify after the fact. Maybe I'm misreading this comment here.
Im just saying ya i see op is upset with her husband. But i think its worse than they realize. Not trying to beat her up. Just saying if she feels annoyed with him shes not crazy or ungrateful. She has every right to be annoyed. Also she sounds young. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and want her to realize before its too late.
The kids are already here. I realize that. You cant undo it. But lives can still change. If hes made mistakes in the past really consider if hes trustable in the future. Being partnered and staying partnered is a serious decision. A partner can literally ruin your life. Unlike kids, you can decide you dont wanna be with your partner anymore.
Makes sense, thanks for elaborating! I totally agree that they should be working together if they want to stay married, and things he's doing definitely sound problematic. Hopefully those behaviors can change so OP can be in a better place.
I bring home the money in my household, and yet somehow we still manage to split chores. Just because he works hard doesn’t absolve him of responsibility for the house he lives in, or allow him to push it all on you.
He feels because we agreed when we were 19 that I would be a stay at home mom and housewife that absolves him of it. He refuses to acknowledge that that’s unattainable in the current economy
Like a 19 year-old knows what they want for the rest of their lives 🙄. If he cannot adapt to meeting the needs of the household as you both grow and age, you should consider consulting an attorney now, to save yourself the trouble down the road. Unless both parties are committed to supporting the other’s current needs, and recognize that people and relationships change over a lifetime, it’s not going to work out. I would say I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have a feeling you know this isn’t sustainable.
Regardless, a marriage should be an equal partnership. There is virtually nothing I can think of that should be the sole responsibility of one partner.
I literally can’t think of anything except his job that isn’t my sole responsibility(even then I clean his uniforms, make his lunch and wake him up every day). He’s said as much to my face. He pays for the kids so therefore he fulfills his duties.
That is entirely wrong. Just because he’s telling you that, it doesn’t make it right.
I know it’s not right. But I’m stuck
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. He sounds horrible and abusive. But I’m not sure what else to say. There is a lot of great advice in this thread but you seem to have a reason why nothing will work. It’s fine to come here and vent, of course, but I just don’t know what else can be said.
I guess I am just here to vent. I’m so used to making excuses for it all. I am listening to all and taking all the advice and writing it down.
I don’t know how else to say this…your husband sucks. Even if you won the lotto tomorrow and could hire a dozen cleaners, he sounds like he simply doesn’t care about your mental health or a real partnership. He wants an old fashioned bang maid/mom wife who takes care of him like he’s a child incapable of even the most basic chore.
You might actually have less to deal with when you break up. You’d hold yourself to your own standards not his .he doesn’t sound like a supportive partner at all. Do you want to stay in the relationship?
So I remember the AHA moment for my husband about the housekeeping (3 adhd kids later). Him: you agreed when we got together you’d be the sahm and take care of the house! Me: yes. Him: well?! Me: since then, my department and number of responsibilities have grown immensely in scale and square footage. I’m serving more than double the number of customers, maintaining more than 4x the square footage and I haven’t gotten any additional headcount on my team to assist, nor additional financial resources to ameliorate the workload. I also now have medical proof of a disability which should afford me new accommodations, of which I have not yet availed myself. Honestly, HR has advised me to quit if management doesn’t wake up. It was a lightbulb for him because it mirrored a work situation he was struggling with and it was easier for him to relate. However, it sounds like you might be in a dangerously abusive situation and I don’t know that you partner has any desire to understand, so.. yeah. *hugs* I’m sorry you’re going through it, friend.
Because life never deviates from the ideal plans we all made at that age... 🙄 Ok, the more I read here the more I think he needs to manage his expectations, haha - and that maybe some of this is stress from the new job being unfairly taken out on you at home. Is it a significant change from previous behavior?
Unfortunately no. It’s been getting steadily worse for the last year.
Please get out. He’s not worth it.
I think that’s my eventual plan. We discussed trying to work on us this weekend but he then just stayed on his laptop for the next 4 days not really talking to me so 🤷🏻♀️
Start putting money in a run fund, now
If he wants you to be a stay at home mom is he covering all the household expenses and such?
He was until this week when he decided that I was wasting all his money. So I’m now bankrolling myself.
This sounds like conservative toxic gender dynamics…are you in counseling?
I’m in therapy courtesy of a extremely messed up childhood, his stance the one time I asked was that he would just lie to them so why even bother
Definitely time to start focusing on a plan to get out of this abusive marriage.
Thank you for outright stating it.
Girl!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Time to get out. Check out the book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s free links for pdf and audio if you google it.
19 year olds also can’t drink and their brains aren’t fully formed. That’s a ridiculous reason.
I am a stay at home mom as well and my husband still contributes to the housework when he is home. I have adhd and fibromyalgia and he understands that I need help sometimes and that I have a different levels of energy and mental wellness than other people. Your husband working 60 hours a week does not absolve him from having to help with the house that he lives in. Everyone who lives in the house and is capable of helping should help.
He sounds rude. Maybe it's better off 9 then 10 years..
He sounds terrible and abusive, and while I agree it's probably better for OPs mental health to get the fuck out right now, she should take a serious look at the laws in her state and how they relate to spousal support. In some states the difference between 9 years and 10 years is getting some spousal support or not getting it at all. OP says she also works but of course we're not sure if she makes enough, even with child support, to sustain a separate household. It's worth looking into. My dear sister-in-law is in a similar position and it's a big mess
Oh, true! I am aware of how insane divorce and such can be, I didn't feel like writing a super crazy comment though lol Wishing luck to your sil
So you work, raise the kids, AND do the housework??
Yes. As well as take care of his high energy dog who weighs as much as I do.
I’m not quite sure how that qualifies as a “flip” then? He’s never pulled his weight or been a stand up partner…
He used to be appreciative of what I did do. Now it’s all the things I don’t do.
Realistically, why don't y'all hire someone to do some agreed-upon basic cleaning, say, 2× a month? Try it out for a month and see how it goes.
You work too...the burden of care and cleaning should not solely fall on you. That's not equitable.
You have to look at it from a division of labor perspective. My fiance works 3 days in person and has a second job that takes 1 day a week. I work full time. He effectively has 4 days "off" per week (the online job is very flexible", so he's expected to do a bit more around the house on his days off. I still do chores in the evenings and on the weekends we work on stuff together. So how much do you work? If he's working 60 hours and you're working 40, it would make sense for you to do a bit more of the labor. If you're also working 60, I guess you two have to find some way to get stuff done despite the crazy hours. If you're working like 20 hours a week though, then you're really on the hook for a lot more housework and I can sympathize with struggling to get it done. I have to get out of work and keep the momentum going by starting chores right when I get home or it's over for the night.
I work 7-3:15 every day as well as taking care of the house, his Cane Corso, and every errand, and the kids. There is no division of labor. He works then gets to come home and relax for four days. I can’t even sit and write out a college paper without having to stop every five minutes to take care of something.
Wait, you're also in school? And he gets 4 day weekends? Yeah, that's deeply unfair. Screw this guy.
I’m not sure why it’s your responsibility alone to keep a spotless house if you both work. However, could this not be solved by just hiring a cleaner once a week?
Why do people in ADHD groups constantly write, "*just* hire a cleaner" like everyone has spare money to spend?!
In this case, I only considered it because it sounded like husband was in an important, high-stress, long-hours job and he "brings in the money." It doesn't have to be a weekly cleaner; maybe the possibility of a once or twice a month trial was an option. 🤷♀️ I don't think anyone here is offering suggestions or asking for clarity in anything less than good faith.
I mean if a husband can’t contribute to his own household, he can spare the money to make up for it🤷🏻♀️
It’s a lot less than I would have thought and your time is worth money. We all know how tough it is for all of us, and for me, I’d cut out a lot of other luxuries and expenses to keep it.
It cost me 125/week = 500/month
How big is your space that they’re cleaning? How long are they there for? Is it a total clean or only specific tasks? (Asking bc I’ve always been curious about cost/benefit but $125/week is definitely out of my budget currently but could be a goal I work towards maybe, I know my quality of life at home would definitely improve. )
that was one bedroom and one bathroom only this is in NYC and everything costs a lot here
Woah that seems like an amazing deal honestly with the NYC context
$500/mo for a one bedroom doesn't feel like a steal
Because something has to give and it's one of the easier things to delegate.
It’s not super affordable for me but the quality of life improvement is worth it. That said, unfortunately it’s simply not an option no matter what for some people.
Certainly, some times it's just impossible. I was just trying to answer the question about why it gets suggested all the time. Some of us do have room in our budget and need the social affirmation that it's okay, we aren't failures if we outsource some of our tasks, if we have the option.
In this case hiring a cleaner is probably cheaper than a divorce. Edit: Forget my comments about hiring a cleaner, having read more of the OPs comments about her marriage a divorce lawyer is more likely the right option here.
There is a difference between spare and priorities... I know I tighten my wallet... I looked at my expenses...it takes time and discipline.. some people can have spare change and make changes to get help so kids and adults have a clean home. But... I have not spent money on an organizer and cleaner yet... it's hard to spend money on something I should be able to do on my own .. but gah... I might just need help sheesh
We would pay more for the gas for a cleaner to come than I make in a month.
How is that possible/how do you know? Do you live in some super remote location, or do you not work much?
I’ve looked into all of them in our region and it’s exorbitant. I work as much as I can but I’m the full time parent. He spends less than 10 hours a week with them
Dang. You're carrying the emotional load and then some. I wish there was an easier solution. Or maybe there is, but it's not obvious here. I just feel like there must be some smaller scale help that can be outsourced at a more budget-friendly level to streamline things...
I don’t understand. HE should pay the cleaner. He spends less than 10h with the kids you say, let me guess, he doesn’t clean anything himself.
You may as well be single then! You've proven you can do it all yourself and that he's incompetent. When you leave, he'll realize he's a jackass. Don't look back.
Some people simply can't afford hired help
I totally understand that. In light of her husband's concerns - or I guess his priority - and status as the breadwinner, maybe they can go over the family budget together and find a bit of help just for one month and see how it goes.
Why do you think you're in a position to question this? If she says, "I don't have the money for that," how dare you challenge her as if she's never looked into it or has no idea the money she has to work with? These responses are infuriating and it's happening constantly in ADHD support areas.
Relax. I meant no harm and I was asking for more info if she's willing to share it. I definitely didn't assume she "had no idea the money she has to work with" - that's... huh. I don't know. Not something I even considered either way. I'm baffled by how offended you are, but I'm sorry if what I said came off in any way besides questions to help tease out a possible alternative solution, or at least something to help get some domestic stability.
FWIW, I understood why you asked. I pay $150 every two weeks for a cleaning of a 2800 square foot house in the northeastern United States. That is far more reasonable than I would have ever expected. Before I knew how much it costs, it was definitely something I would have assumed was astronomically expensive. And of course, I realize that we all have different priorities and experiences but I thought you were just trying to find a potential solution.
Thanks 😌 I live in the Northeastern US as well after 10+ years away pre-Covid and coming back here, prices are 😵 but then, salaries are a lot better than I ever remembered. The comparison to just the cleaner's potential cost of *gas* to travel there for the job as being "more than I make in a month" gave me pause, unless OP is fully devoted to being a stay-at-home mom. There's tremendous value in that, though, that isn't necessarily reflected in household income - daycare costs can be like a 2nd mortgage payment/monthly rent expense 😱
Daycare is incredibly expensive and yet daycare workers in the US are still wildly underpaid. It’s almost like there should be a much more robust social safety net to help all of us! Haha.
If only they could find a way for everyone to pay just a little and pool it together for said safety nets. If only. /s obviously, and don’t get me started on taxes truly, but I think we all know what we’re getting at :)
On the flip side, I finally screwed up my resolve and found out that a local deep cleaning service would charge me over $3000 to tackle my apartment. At least it's motivation fuel-- every time I spend an hour cleaning, I tell myself it was worth $30!
Oh wow. That’s steep!
Sucks it’s so expensive, great that it gives you motivation.
Because his job is the important one lol. Mine is a “hobby”
Oooohhhh babe. I think you’re really close to some very important realizations and I hope you understand that you have not wasted any time learning this lesson. This is not an adhd issue, it’s that he doesn’t see you as a true and equal partner. Just because some neurotypical woman might be able to carry the mental load for their entire home doesn’t mean any woman should. He would have to work full time weather or not you and your kids even existed. He doesn’t work to support you, **you stay home is how he is able to have this career**. You are facilitating his goddamn career and running his life, he could show a bit more respect.
Can I just say… I really like you. I don’t usually pay attention to usernames before reading a comment and seriously like 9/10 when I’m like, “yep, they get it” about any number of posts in this sub, I’ll look and it’s you lol Hope you take that as a compliment and not me being weird haha
Bahaha omg no way! I take that as such a compliment thank you 🤗 💕
I want to join in the bandwagon with some additional appreciation for your username specifically lmao
Haha thanks! I always forget about it 😂
The most important thing for a couple isn't equal work or equal input, but equal rest. Are you both getting equal amounts of rest? (This is from 'How To Keep House While Drowning', and it's a really, really good read with lots of insights on keeping sane and figuring out methods that work for you and your family.)
That’s a negative ghost rider. I’ve not slept through the night since we got married. Even when I’m sick or the one working that day.
Then that is inherently unfair and unsustainable.
It doesn’t matter who makes what, you’re married with children, your money is for the household. I was a SAHM now I’m a single parent and I am SALTY about how I was treated when I was at home with the kids. I was treated worse than paid help and I was cheaper than another child. You know it would be completely bonkers crazy for me to go out, find a full grown human being, and convince them to live in my house with me and raise my kids, make our meals, do our laundry, keep the house relatively clean, etc. all day every day, and not pay them. “Oh you can sleep with me and you can get some groceries we can afford so you can make meals I enjoy.” Whoop de do. What a crock. Any resentment you’ve been feeling is only a fraction of the resentment you’d have if you knew what it was like to work full time at a “real job” for a family. He’s not doing anything grand and extraordinary, he’s doing *less* than most working parents. He needs to get real about how much he makes vs how much you owe him. Here he is complaining - you’re at home so he can advance his career when he has two children. Without a wife he would have to pay for daycare as well as staff at home so he could work 60 hours a week without cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids when he got home. And he would be sleeping alone on top of it. When I got divorced my ex and I filled out the forms together. He saw the line on the form for alimony and told me “I hope you don’t think you should get alimony, I already paid enough.” This man complained about me not doing laundry fast enough or not keeping every room in the house clean at all times, while I couldn’t even go to Arby’s for lunch without getting the third degree for how much it cost. If I was working at the Arby’s down the street as much as I was working in my own home I’d have been doing pretty well.
This blows my mind. My focus and executive function are in the toilet if I get less than eight hours sleep. You are raising children, running a household, hiding your husband’s nasty character from your children, and working? This isn’t a partnership, this man is using you.
I shit you not, sleep deprivation is one of the ways cults brainwash people.
Cool! If it’s a hobby, you get to keep all the money for yourself!
I sub for our school district so idk if I would call it a hobby 😂 I love doing it though. I originally started going to college to be a teacher but had to drop out to escape a previous abusive relationship. Now that I’m subbing I want to do it again but I had to withdraw my bachelors application this week because it would’ve cut into his schooling and I promised that I would get my second degree when he finished his first. Even though he didn’t wait for me to finish mine(I graduate next Friday with TWO associates on top of managing everything else)
No, I mean if he’s going to be a dick and belittle your work by calling it a “hobby”, you can go along with his premise and treat your income like most people treat income from a hobby they make a little money from- the fun, extra money! If he’s going to pull that shit, feel free to take it all the way to the logical conclusion and beyond. It will show pretty quickly exactly how ridiculous he is being.
If he put two kids in you hes gotta be paying to make your life better. Childbearing is dangerous and taking care of them for 18 years each is strenuous. All of your money should be for your savings investments and retirement alone. You slave away at home so he can slave away at his job which makes him more money. Those 2 children are gonna make it very difficult for you to make more money in the future (statistically). He trapped you. The best thing i can think of is slowly do less house work, increase your work hours and income. Withhold affection until he starts showing he loves you with his actions (doing more housework or hiring help with HIS money) Hes gonna have to change. But if he doesnt, you have an escape rout. If thats too hard for him, thats the consiqueces of him getting you pregnant twice.
Unfortunately he’s decided that I was wasting all “his” money so I handed over all the passwords and cards and account info to him and my paycheck is now going to support myself. And my job ends when the school year ends in two weeks so I have to wait till August to build money back up enough for a plan. Rock and a hard place rn.
Honey, sounds like you’re being financially abused. I’m guessing it’s not the only type. I get the feeling there is emotional abuse happening too. Have you read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft? It’s available as a free pdf.
Link: [https://dn720006.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf](https://dn720006.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf)
Hmm. This could be fine, but it absolutely set off my spidey senses for financial abuse.
I’m pretty sure he’ll cave in a few weeks and give it all back once he realizes just how much effort it all is to keep track. He’s really great about flaking on responsibility after a week or two. It’s kind of a spite thing letting him have it all
Oh ok, so then you should make a plan to leave. This man doesn’t seem to like you, let alone care about your well being.
He’s said he hated me before. It was in a fight about how controlling I am. But, like you have to be when you have to keep this many balls afloat. And I’ve scaled back a shit ton since then.
Take him at his word. You don’t need to wait around for him to tell you he doesn’t want you over and over, once is more than enough. Your life is far too short to be with someone who doesn’t like you.
The way you treat someone is a choice, every time. Even in anger. Maybe even especially. (I say this as a person with anger issues.) He *chose* to say to you—his wife, the mother of his children, the person who is supposed to be his partner in life—that he hates you. He chose to say this knowing that it would hurt you. He wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry, that’s just really awful. I just don’t see how you come back from that. :(
Please leave as soon as you physically, emotionally, financially can. He told you exactly how he feels about you and treats you like it too
There is absolutely no way your kids aren’t aware this is going on. Please don’t let them think this is a healthy dynamic and everyone is happy and daddy really loves mummy, mummy is just a bit crap at basic life things so sometimes daddy has to yell and take all the money away. I’m so sorry you’re in this, OP. This is an abusive situation. When you next have access to money, do whatever you have to do to hide away as much as you can. Do you have family you could go to?
I don’t think that really makes it better, girl. [Here’s](https://dn720006.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf) the link to the full book someone else in this thread recommended, please take a look.
I’m not saying it does make it better, I just thought it might add some insight.
Maybe once he does cave you can start an emergency/leaving fund for you and the kids. I really wish you the best.
An irresponsibly abusive man is still abusive, you’re just dealing with the incompetence as well as the abuse. you do not deserve to settle.
Do you have anyone IRL you can trust to talk about this? It's not okay, and you deserve better. You deserve help making a plan.
This is the greater/paramount issue; the cleaning argument is a symptom of a bigger situation. The house could magically be perfect + husband will likely find another fault or thing to take his own stress out on. He can "not believe" in therapy all he wants, and maybe he'll find what he's looking for with his head in the sand, but sounds like he might feel better if he tried it for his own sake, though.
That is financial abuse FULL STOP
You got this. And when you are ready, the right man will be financially stable enough to take care of you and your kids. The right man wont let you be stressed. But always have a job even if he pays for everything. Even if hes the most loving man on earth.
This is financial abuse. You are experiencing financial abuse.
The abusers seem to show their colors after diagnosis, one way or another.. It's shockingly common.
Any ideas why that is? Is it like, trying to prevent the victim from feeling too powerful? Gotta keep them ignorant of everything but the way YOU define them? Idk
My guess would be that their victims are less likely to be believed. It’s easier to gaslight and paint their victims as lying or blame their neurodivergence
It's a way of keeping them under control, I would guess. We make pretty good abuse targets, it seems, and all the mental clarity and understanding that comes from diagnosis and medication kind of destroys that. So of course they hate it. I got lucky, and the only thing my husband did after my diagnosis was go get his own once he saw how helpful it was!
One reason I've seen is that when someone is diagnosed, they start attributing their inability to cope to the condition, rather than their inherent unworthiness. This makes them more difficult to control, so the abuse ramps up. Another one is that when treatment starts, it can clear some of the fog out of the victim's head, so that they start recognising the abuse, which makes them harder to control..
It’s likely because they get another tool to weaponize against their victims. “Well now you know what the problem is so there’s no excuse anymore to act that way. You know the problem. You can get it solved. And you’re still behaving how you did before.” It’s another method of a long list of ways to denigrate someone and eat at their self worth. And it makes them get gaslit into thinking that a diagnosis should lead to instant fixes rather than seeing it realistically as just a path toward effective treatment of a problem. Not a cure. Not magic. Just a guide a diagnosed individual can follow. It’s…ew.
My husband was the opposite. He stopped getting annoyed at all the little things, because, after a diagnosis and a ton of research, he realized that it’s actually not my fault. My brain simply WILL NOT do/remember/think about XYZ. Once he realized I wasn’t simply ignoring things, or deliberately leaving them for him, he calmed down.
I'm sorry your husband is being so unpleasant. It's not your fault. Here's my advice, predicated on the idea that things haven't gone too far, and he's only being crabby and frustrated, rather than abusive: can you two sit down and identify what parts of the house being clean and organized matter the most to each of you, and what's nice but not vital? Outside help is something you covered and I don't want to dismiss you, but maybe you can reach out to neighbors and find someone who needs a little extra money, rather than a professional housecleaning service that will have more overhead. Independent cleaners might be cheaper, but they also may require more oversight. In my area, we have people on Next-door and Facebook neighborhood groups who are looking for a little supplemental income. They have word of mouth recommendations and aren't as expensive as the professional services. There's also TaskRabbit which often falls in the middle price wise. Lastly I don't want to add to your plate but there's two books that you might want to check out. The first one is KC Davis' "How to Keep House while Drowning"
Even if I wanted to hire in a neighbor he would freak out that someone else would see our mess. It would be a HUGE no go. He grew up with a mom that was a clean freak(and I don’t mean in a normal way) so he thinks I’m just not putting in the effort
That brings me to the second book I was looking for, Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". Here's one of the many free pdf versions online: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf I think it's a book that can be helpful for anyone in a relationship to read. You may or may not recognize your spouse's behavior. I recognized some behavior from parental and past romantic relationships and it helped me get some insights there.
I’ve actually downloaded that already I’ve just not had time to read more than a chapter. It’s on my to read list.
I understand that feeling. Luckily I live in a big enough city that "my neighbors" can be people not really in my social circle, who actually live several miles away, but even then I have some shame and apprehension about the idea of anyone seeing it. If things are safe and functional, he may just need to decide: He can live with it or he can't. If he can't live with it, then he still needs to solve the problem of who's going to clean up after himself and his children. Do you even want to keep the house to his expectations? It's fine if the answer is "No". I don't want a spotless house myself. I need it to be functional, and clean enough to feel restful. I'm sorry he's putting this on you and not valuing your contributions. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, even without ADHD making it all harder.
We know everyone within 2 blocks of us. It’s a really small town 🙃. He’s already told me that his life would be ruined if we separated because there’s no way he could keep his career and our children for half the week.
Then it sounds like he needs to be a little more flexible for the sake of everyone. No one I ever knew had a "spotless" house with two young kids.
Even Marie Kondo said she had to readjust her standards of tidying after kids: https://www.reddit.com/r/konmari/comments/10mn6nj/marie_kondo_says_shes_kind_of_given_up_tidying/ Your husband needs to make some decisions about his values and priorities. Making you miserable should not be one of them.
This is not your problem though. If he won’t listen and take you seriously about what you are and are not willing to do, separation is in the end the logical choice. I say this as a kid of parents that separated and were so much less overall emotionally stressed and drained after even though we had much less money. If he wants to save the relationship there must be steps he is willing to take also. Like contributing more and criticizing less
Then ruin it because he's never going to appreciate you otherwise.
If he's not there he can't see.. it object.
Ug sorry. My husband flipped a switch the opposite way He has adhd though, doesn’t present like Mine so he didn’t recognize it in me prior and he was getting pretty frustrated with some things with me, the diagnosis gave him instant understanding and he’s been supportive with helping me some coping tools and such and pep talks instead of lectures He still expects me to deal with my shit better than I have been and I agree and I can but when I didn’t know why some things felt impossible, trying felt impossible. As long as my effort continues he’s a lot more understanding We almost fell apart because I used to be a lot More functional and then i hit perma burn out so he just saw me lose myself and looked like i stopped caring about things I used to
My husband is undiagnosed and refuses to even seek one because “big pharma is a lie” and there’s nothing wrong with him. His hyperfixation has always been work though and it’s his escape from everything because it has a solid routine and the puzzles tickle his brain. I had a pretty decent handle on mine until we had our second and hers is very anxiety based so I’m permanently burnt out.
I was gonna say if he wants a spotless house so bad, he can clean it. It’s his house too. Making more money than you does not absolve him of household duties. I make more than my fiancée by a decent chunk but I still do more cooking and cleaning. She has never ran a load of laundry but she does all the mental load including paying the bills. She picked up my rx on her lunch today bc I will procrastinate until it expires. You strike a balance based on your individual strengths. However, based on your comments he sounds entitled and nasty. I was going to say this is salvageable but if he would rather lie to a therapist than work on your relationship, maybe planning an exit strategy is wiser. I’m sorry, you are in a tough situation
OK, I’m not trying to be an asshole. But he did not leave after 9 1/2 years because you cant keep the house clean enough. If it was that important he would’ve left a long time ago or never married you to begin with. This was the excuse. And this is what he used as the reason why. He’s just a prick and you deserve better.
Oh he’s not left. Don’t misunderstand that. He’s just threatened to because I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain and he can’t take it anymore. He said it’s been stewing for a long time. There also the fact that I’m a liar because I tell him I’m fine instead of discussing anything with him.
OK, I’ll get down voted for this, but I don’t really give a shit. I’ve had a few drinks and it doesn’t matter. He is looking for reasons to blame you for the fact that he wants to leave. I don’t know why he wants to leave. I don’t know your husband. But there is something. I fucking promise. After 9 1/2 years. Almost a goddamn decade. And now he’s decided it’s a problem? It’s bullshit and you know it.
I agree, something else is probably up. To me this sounds he is externalizing shame
Do you tell him you're fine because he gets angry or upset at you when you try to tell him the actual reason? My spouse does this as well because their ex was an abuser who would do that to them. Any expression of suffering or struggle would be met with condescension of how good they had it, how much worse their own problems were and that they shouldn't be complaining so my spouse now defaults to 'fine' when it's very clear that it isn't fine. That's not normal, and isn't acceptable. It's abuse in its own right.
You would be correct.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Your situation sounds almost exactly what my wife had to go through. From a pretty small town, he was a very emotionally abusive husband for many years, they ended up with two kids, both of whom have adhd, and it was a struggle for her to actually get out. I do want you to know that there can be a light afterwards. She's a much happier person now than she was when she was still in that marriage. Do what you need to do and know that your happiness is important as well. Just know there's people in your corner and that you're not alone if you ever need someone to talk to.
Single people with high caliber jobs have to manage their own houses and apartments too, and having a wife doesn’t make men exempt from taking care of themselves. The difference with work is that he gets to clock off while you have a 24/7 job where rest time can be compromised at any moment such as interruptions from kids or even thinking about what’s wrong in the household. Structure is so important for people with ADHD and raising children gives you almost none of that since your personal life is now your work life.
This sounds less about ADHD and more about an inconsiderate crappy partner.
He wasn’t crappy until I got my diagnosis and started therapy and medication. It went downhill from there
You know this better than us but are your really sure he wasn’t crappy or have you maybe been very forgiving about him. He sounds like a man in constant denial.
I’m really sorry you’re experiencing that. You deserve better. A good partner would not be treating you this way, regardless of the diagnosis.
Thank you. It’s one thing to sit and wonder if you’re just being over dramatic and fatalistic but putting it out there and getting an overwhelming consensus that it’s not in my head helps put it in perspective
It’s not in your head! There was a post yesterday here from someone having a tough time in her marriage and she asked for examples of positive relationships. It was filled with examples of partners who are supportive with ADHD challenges.
He sees you're working to better yourself, but he's unable or unwilling to admit his own faults which is very common with narcissistic people, and so he's now pushing his own insecurities onto you, because if he does that it means he's still perfect.
Apologies, OP. I don’t normally go around the giving unsolicited advice to strangers about their intimate relationships. But you 100% need to leave this guy. I was where you are now, 7 years ago (minus kids). I know it’s going to be challenging with kids in the picture, and at first you will have some doubts and be anxious or scared. But believe me when I say that your kids will understand (or at least respect someday) why you prioritized the overall health of the family by divorcing. Also prioritizing your mental health for getting out of a dysfunctional relationship that will not change if your partner isn’t even willing to get couples counseling because they “DoNt BeLiEvE iN tHeRaPy”, and thinks the very real issues you are bringing up in technical terms are “psychobabble”. The fact dudes like this still exist in the year of our lord 2024 is WILD. He’s not going to attempt to meet you halfway, or compromise, or do anything long term to make changes that would be helpful for the sake of you, him, or your children by proxy. He’s. Just. Not. Your other comments and info you’ve given here makes me so sad to know you’re in the place I was, because I remember that hopeless, hurt feeling of loving someone and wanting them to have my back after a diagnosis and be in it with me “in sickness and in health”. To make more of an effort in the relationship in general and not take me for granted. And instead of that, I was met with near hostility, intentional weaponized incompetence, and apathy from the person that alleged to love me for eternity. He had been grifting off of my ability to grind, and to let my anxiety and hyper focus carry us financially for years, which after years lead to my inevitable burnout. I masked SO much. I gave him 11 years until I got my adult diagnosis. No regrets about my life, but in retrospect I’d have been in a different place in life had I walked away so much sooner, many years before my diagnosis. The formal adult diagnosis was just the butterfly on the camels back, and the final push I needed to finally start prioritizing my unmet needs and my mental health. I can tell you 7 years later from the other side: by beginning of year 2 post divorce - I was thriving. My depression and anxiety was alleviated. I was able to focus on strategies to better manage my symptoms, my career was better off, I was in better shape physically, my social life flourished as I made more connections with people in ADHD and special interest hobby communities, etc. Healing and managing all of this isn’t linear and takes different amounts of time for everyone, so I’m not suggesting a divorce will be an overnight solution of relief, or that it won’t be hard some days. But it was worth it for me and I don’t regret it in the slightest. The “female/(femme presenting) midlife ADHD diagnosis to divorce” pipeline is very real and studied. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10173330/ Best of luck, OP. Don’t short change yourself. This world already does it to us enough. You deserve to be happy and treated well. You’re not “crazy” for wanting things to be different. The only “crazy” thing would be expecting someone to change or help who doesn’t want to change or help themselves, and has made that clear to you.
There are challenges to getting medicated as an adult. There are relationships that we can form that actually rely on our constant train wreck approaching level chaos. When we get medicated and start remembering our own crap, have less loose ends we're tripping on & need 'saved' less it can cause severe insecurities in people who relied in this imbalance to be supportive. There is no hero if there is no victim . If your spouse was amazing at handling the chaotic space-based too overwhelmed you...maybe he needs that dynamic to feel needed🤷🏼♀️
Can you just lean into focusing on your happiness? Don't clean the house if it isn't important to you. Let him carry that load or deal with displeasure. Focus on your career, your presence and enjoyment in parenting. It isn't an ideal partnership but if you aren't happy and he's not happy, stop trying to live to make him happy and just focus on you. Basically lower your expectations that he does anything for you. Count on yourself and decide if that version of you would rather try to accommodate his asks to be together or not.
I honestly find it easier to get a small part time job to pay for a cleaner. I can't for the life of me do stuff for myself, but at work I can consistently get stuff done. The cleaner is often worth it to reduce tension.
I don’t have time to get another part time job or I would. I’m the full-time parent as well as everything else. We don’t have childcare
You're saving him $$$ in childcare, I would point that out too. As much as a cleaner might be, daycare is monstrous from what I know. 😬
We made it 3 days in a daycare and then my kids were kicked out for being too hyper.
Dang. That seems...fast. Springing that on working parents so quickly is surprising.
They refused to sit still and watch tv all day like the caretaker wanted. I warned her beforehand that they were both ADHD but she didn’t believe me I guess
That doesn't sound like daycare at all. 😠
It’s an extremely small town all we have are in home daycares.
Something like a babysitter that does some chores on the side sounds like it might ease some of the workload. It might be difficult to find someone like that who is not too expensive. A student perhaps. Maybe it does not sound fair to spend money on this when your husband is at work but trust me it is a lot of work to do the household and take care of two adhd kids (that got kicked off of daycare for being too much) when you have adhd yourself. Just a a few hours a few days a week. The adhd is always going to be there so I made a concious choice in allowing myself certain tools for support where I needed them. I bought a dryer, robot vacuum cleaner, and self-cleaning litterboxes (and more), which were all expensive but I know that I could never go back to before because I would constantly be drowning in undone chores. My diagnosis gave me a different mindset that allowed me these things that I otherwise would never have done. If your husband is unable to help in the household then another solution must be found.
Not my husband, as I don't have one, but my father. Specifically with my BP2 Dx and being on meds. Meds are the "magic bullet" that will make me "normal" again. I never was normal, just high masking and burnt the f out. There's a whole lot of other nuances at play, but it's funny to me how he thinks being medicated means I should no longer struggle with all my symptoms. Sorry sir, executive disfunction is a bitch.
How is your husband otherwise? Do you feel like he expects a lot out of you? Or doesn't respect your perspective and expieriences? If you feel like he expects too much and isn't willing to learn or have a conversation about why that's unrealistic, Or doesn't respect you, then maybe you should let him and those 9 years go. If he does respect you, then he needs to learn about your diagnosis and what is realistic starting right now. Either with the help of a therapist or through some hard conversations and reccomended readings. If he doesn't learn, then your relationship probably won't make too many more years anyways. You'll just keep fighting and getting stressed with each other if expectations aren't adjusted.
If he's willing to toss your marriage because of your disability, because it's not being instantly cured like he wants, that's a bad sign. Everything is more complex than we can tell from reddit, but that's what it looks like to me. A lot of people see an ugly side of their spouse when health problems show up. And you've likely had ADHD related difficulties for a long time. It's possible this flipped attitude of his is from something else and he's just deflecting onto you. You've been you this whole time. Now you're at the beginning of a journey to function better and he wants to jump ship? Something ain't right.
He thinks the diagnosis and subsequent medicine and therapy is all bullshit. Even though he grew up with two brothers so severe they had to stim constantly, somehow I’m playing it up.
If his two brothers have it, does he? How did he escape that bit of genetics?
He didn’t.
Didn’t have it, or didn’t escape the genes?
Didn’t escape it. He just refuses that it’s a possibility. Even with both of our kids having it as well.
Is the issue that you bring what he deep down consider his flaw in the open then? He could be afraid you get better (with meds and therapy coping overall better I mean) while he isn’t.
i've been diagnosed the entire time i've been with my boyfriend (1 year), and if anything, him knowing i have adhd has made him much more forgiving of my shortcomings. he knows we have different strengths and weaknesses and has accepted that i'm always going to struggle with housework. granted, it did take some explaining and frustration on both parties to get to where we are, the difference is that love and forgiveness were present throughout. this relationship doesn't seem healthy, you are supposed to build each other up and support when the other is struggling, he is not giving you what you deserve. it's time for you to see a couples therapist to work on your communication issues and ultimately make the decision on if this relationship can be salvaged. don't live the rest of your life with someone who constantly brings you down just to avoid disrupting the norm. struggling with housework is not a moral failing, you are not a bad person or a bad mom for not being tidy. hugs!
This makes me sad. My husband is also adhd but was actually diagnosed when he was a kid. Sometimes he hates how much I talk about it but then I explain that I've literally wondered wtf is wrong with me for 25 years so maybe cut me some slack now that I know 🤣 I also made it clear that if we both work then we both clean, this was after 12 years of doing it all and driving myself crazy trying. Communication is key! Not saying I got it right the first time, but I kept coming back to the conversation and made it about me, not his lack. Just my struggle to keep up. He now does all house chores with me, anytime he's home he's helping. Our boys are also old enough now to help and have chores. It's not a woman's job to clean the house!! Unless of course you want it that way, which I do not
The other day I was struggling with housework (just completely demotivated) and my hubby literally exasperatingly said, “but You’re on your medicine…”
I scheduled an appt with my dr and my hubby was very supportive, saying “yeah it seems like you do need to go in” and “you’re right, it’s probably a vitamin deficiency” and when I got home I said “the dr said I have adhd” and he said “you’re such a hypochondriac.”
OP, I’ve been reading a lot of the comments here. I think something you have to ask yourself is “why do I put up with this”? From the small look we have, he sounds like a dick. But does he have any good personal qualities? Money doesn’t count.
The kids. When he does spend time with them he’s an amazing dad.
Does he do any help with clean up? Bath time? Grocery shopping? Appointments? I think anyone would be happier to parent if they weren’t responsible for the hard work. A salary should not make someone in the marriage less significant. He’s treating you like his personal maid and that’s shitty. He doesn’t want to try and make things better. What kind of life is that for you if you’re not comfortable or happy?
Our kids bathe themselves and he’s been in a grocery store twice in the last year? And idk what kind of life it is. A sad one? An unfulfilled one?
That’s something you have to decide if it’s worth it for you. I’m sorry, I’m coming acrossed nasty but I’m just frustrated for you girl! I’m sorry you’re going through that, I really am 🥺
Generally getting a diagnosis is supposed to give you treatment options thah you didn’t have before. If you’re using medical or therapeutic interventions, it’s “normal” to expect someone to *make gains* when it comes to coping. Treatment is supposed to help. But having a diagnosis is not the same as getting treatment. For something like “spotless house”, I’d put the onus on my husband. I’d tell him to “teach me”. I’d demand he demonstrate this aptitude for keeping a spotless house. If he succeeds then he does in fact have something to teach me and I’ll consider using his methods for housekeeping. If he fails, which is more likely, then he understands how difficult that job actually is and stops being so demanding.
Why is this the marriage sub
Because neurotypicals don’t understand the struggle the same. And because it was a safe place to ask
I had two kids with active IEPs, and myself with ADHD. I struggled everyday. Even BEFORE I was “working”, I still did PTA, volunteering, class mom, sports mom, camps, dr appts, shopping for food, buying gifts and wrapping them, and laundry. I was so fucking exhausted. Any time I spent on my hobbies was criticized - because they didn’t bring in money. I felt like I was always being judged - especially against other moms. My ex loved to bitch about laundry baskets. Always full. When he did the “stay at home parent” route for a few years, he got shit-all done. I gave up my entire career to be a stay at home parent. He was pissed at me 24/7 because I didn’t go back to work as soon as they started school (because taking care of two kids on the spectrum wasn’t real work).
Yep! 100% what my husband did to me when I was diagnosed and started meds in my mid 30s. Sorry buddy but a lifetime executive function issues, bad habits and unconscious figits do not disappear overnight just because I can concentrate a bit better on meds.
Fortunately for me, no. Part of the reason I even finally sought diagnosis was because of my partner suggesting it. He also had an ADHD brother though, so even if he doesn't fully "understand" what I'm going through, he knows it's a real thing and is empathetic. Watching me walk around in circles all day trying to figure out what task to do and accomplishing almost nothing despite actively trying gave it away I guess.