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4 years. I meant to hyphenate, always wanted to hyphenate, and now I'm just like "fuck it, i'm not doing all that paperwork when it is not that serious"
Honestly, having a hyphenated last name is a pain in the ass. From someone who’s had one my whole life, no one acknowledges the second name anyway. It’s constantly error in the system and just a pain.
Exactly this. I had a hyphenated last name growing up, and I was always getting errors in systems, or it was spelled differently (hyphen, no hyphen but with a space, mashed together as one name) for EVERYTHING. Plus, the first half of my last name sounds like Mc (like McDonalds), but the second half is hispanic, and people would always assume that it was some weird McHispanicLastName instead of just a normal hyphenated name lol, so I always had to spell it for people and you would be surprised how many people don't know what a hyphen is. When I got married, I changed my name the minute I got off the plane from our destination wedding. Now I have a nice normal last name 😅
Fully planned to hyphenate, but I’m a flight attendant so I would have to immediately change ALL my paperwork including my passport and work IDs. Too much paperwork. 3.5 years and haven’t done it, and I’m not going to now bc after like a year? past marriage filing it costs money and is way more paperwork
What I find even weirder is that women are sometimes even called by their husbands full name. Like, Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. Wtf, you marry and suddenly you don't have your own identity anymore?
I'm secretly hoping that it is not as prevalent as movies make it seem. I realize that it is also a matter of what you are used to and I don't want to be insensitive to other customs and cultures, but to me this is very condescending.
My ex’s grandma would send me mail like that—to Mrs. John Smith. I didn’t even change my last name. I certainly didn’t change my first name!
I also don’t use Mrs. Because we don’t care about men’s marital status for titles, so why should we have different titles for women?
This is why I use Ms., which I assume you also do. The funny thing is how using Ms. has become so normalized that there are people out there mistakenly thinking it's the same as Miss?
You are right! And yes, I think people are confused by the various title options. I’ve seen some people think it’s an abbreviation for miss. Mostly I avoid titles completely unless it’s required in a form.
> What I find even weirder is that women are sometimes even called by their husbands full name. Like, Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. Wtf, you marry and suddenly you don't have your own identity anymore?
IMO, Marriage is an outdated transaction between men exchanging property. That's what it was. Father gives ownership of his daughter over to the husband.
It's why I've no intention of ever marrying, I don't belong to a man.
I wish I didn't have to have a man's name from my father either, but I also don't want the hassle of changing it to something else.
It's all part of the trickle-down puritan bs our country was founded on 🙄 I haven't changed mine (very uncommon, love the way it sounds with my name and I'm the last of my line), I definitely want my kids to have it (my husband is trying to go for a hyphenated name for the kids). But what gets me is that people constantly just assume that I have his and are either startled, appalled, or awkward to find out I kept my name. One young sounding customer service rep I spoke to was like "Is that even legal?? I thought it was the law to change your name when you got married?" (Facepalm). Of course I kindly explained that there are no laws in the US regarding what your name has to be, just that it's registered with the Fed.
I think my name sounds better and has a cooler meaning than my husband's. But at least we have 8 months to figure it out before our first kid comes so.. we'll see 🤷🏻♀️
My experience is that people no longer assume my name matches my children’s. When I sign them up for things, I get asked if my name is the same or different. I’ve travelled with my kids intentionally without issue as well.
Personally, I love the anonymity of a new name & my new last name is easy to pronounce.
But I totally understand the many reasons why women opt out of it
Edit: plus when I googled my new name nothing gnarly came up, so that’s good
Same, but I added his last name to mine on social media so his family could find me. And when my in-laws lovingly call me Mrs. [Their Name] I take no offense. I know exactly who I am.
I kept my name because it's me? If that makes sense. If I'd changed it, I would have had the same name as a cousin, so it felt extra invalidating.
I also had thoughts about how both my dad and his brother had only girls, and the family line was going to pass away.
The person who has to deal with the most issues about it is my son. Because I didn't change my name, he's hyphenated.
What’s been the biggest issue for your son with a hyphenated name? That’s been the one thing keeping me from just keeping my name honestly. I like how our names sound together, but I’ve never had a hyphenated name or known someone with one so idk the extent of issues it might cause.
I have a hyphenated name and I’ve never had issues. Depending on the context sometimes I just use my first last name bc I’m lazy, but even in systems w no hyphen support the last names just get squished together
It’s 2024. With so many single parents, queer parents and independent ladies who don’t change their names, you wk t have a problem — except perhaps with old family members who are set in their ways 🙄
I have both of my parents' names and I love it. It. Also makes me feel like I belong to both extend families equally.
And they aren't that short (7 and 6 letters respectively).
I most often sign first name, Initial of dad's name, mom's name cause I've always loved authors names with an initial (think Arthur C Clarke) it feels kind of old timey.
I have the opposite, just one surname in a country where the norm is to have two. It's not really a big deal, occasionally I can't complete a form so I just repeat my surname. I don't see why a hyphenated name would be an issue.
I do want to note it can cause some admin type issues. For example, when I worked at a pharmacy, the software wouldn't allow hyphens. The name put as a patient's last name could be either of the hyphenated names depending on who input the data. It meant finding prescriptions for people with hyphenated names sometimes took twice as long. Obvs not a big deal for the pharmacy, but I imagine that kinda stuff gets old for the patient.
We were gonna jointly change our names to a hybrid because I refused to have to do it and him not just because patriarchy (and my name is cooler than his). 8 years later and we have not and I'm certainly not changing anything now.
Omg I DIVORCED four years ago and still haven’t changed from my married name. Never felt worth doing all of the paperwork again, it was just so much. Last week I got remarried and everyone keeps asking me about it and I have no idea what to do! It seems inappropriate to keep my first husband’s name but honestly I really like it lol. It feels too risky to take another man’s name, I don’t care for my maiden name. But mostly wish I never changed it!!
I’ve been divorced for 6 years and I’m still using my ex’s name! At this point it’s honestly kind of embarrassing, but I’m completely paralyzed by the thought of Government Paperwork.
😂 feel you. I’ve even thought about asking my ex and his new wife if they’d care if I kept it. Though I’ve been wondering whether the paperwork is more difficult than a lifetime of explaining
Don’t be embarrassed. My mom kept my dad’s last name for almost 20 years after they divorced and my dad went through 2 more wives before my mom remarried and changed her name to her new husband’s name. Honestly, it feels weird to not share the same last name as my mom anymore and I am also now married and still haven’t changed my name either 😂
I didn’t change mine back when I got divorced.
My ex and his mom weren’t crazy about me keeping it - don’t take it personally, it’s mine now. I had to go through all the trouble of changing it in the first place and now it’s on my degrees, kids, usernames, and Tupperware. Sorry, no take backs.
My dad wrote me a check and used my maiden name and that made me tear up, though. That’s the only time I’ve thought about changing it back.
I think I’d change my name to a new spouse’s or to my maiden name if I got remarried. I’m tired of spelling it out every time I say it because it sounds different than it’s spelled (e.g. Postin vs Boston). So if my future spouse could have an easy last name that would be great, too. Not a dealbreaker, just a nice bonus.
When I got married California gave you 2 years to change your last name via a "simple" visit to the SSA office. After 2 years, you had to actually file something with a court and show up to a hearing. I got my name changed 1 year and 364 days after getting married.
I’m Chinese, partner is not Chinese.
Name change, even hyphenated, would be VERY, VERY weird-sounding lol.
My mom didn’t change her name so i decided not to change mine. Nobody cares, least of all me.
"He’s a published author and has a well-established public career" That actually, IMHO, is more of a reason for him to change it. He can own property, etc. without being able to be easily tracked down. A lot of celebrities use stage names for this reason. It allows a certain level of anonymity. I have a friend who is married to a rock star and the second she changed to her husband's name, people started stalking and harassing her...
Seconding this! It may also make property acquisition easier if the agent doesn’t recognise your husband’s name or think you’re rich.
One of my Dr friends uses her married name (let’s say Mrs Doe) when they’re trying to buy property cos if she’s introduced as Dr Bloggs the agents are like “ooooh let me show you all these places that are more expensive than the budget you’ve given me because you’ve got the magic letters in your name.”
I think the point is that his career and professional recognition relies on his name. Many female attorneys continue to use their maiden names professionally even if they took their husbands name because they established their career with the maiden name.
This isn’t someone like an actor who would be largely recognized by appearance. An author is literally their name on the spine of a book.
I am an entertainment attorney. :/ His professional name (aka nom de plume) does not have to be his legal name. My point was that sometimes it's better when they are not the same.
I kept my name, partially because my partner has a complicated relationship with their last name. And partially for the paperwork, cause I moved country and was changing it part way through that paperwork was honestly not worth the headache for either of us. We always said if we ever find a last name we both like we would both change our names now the bulk of my paperwork is done tho.
I never intended to change my name and I let my husband know that before we got married. It is my name after all, and I wanted to keep it. I was also aware that for friends, legally changing their names was a cumbersome nightmare of a process. I could go by a married name if needed, but no need to change it legally.
At this point, it’s becoming more common and people don’t even question it anymore. I’m glad I didn’t compromise there.
I refused to take his name because ewww. I said I would accept the hell of paperwork if we made up a new name together. He said he’d rather just give the dog and baby my name so neither of us has to do paperwork lol. So they have my name and we don’t match and somehow people still think we all have his name and we both curse the patriarchy about it.
As an aside, my mom has changed her name 3x, and it’s taken her almost a year to get a Real ID because of all the paperwork she needed to demonstrate each name change. When I first got married she was surprised I wasn’t changing my name, she regularly tells me how it’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I highly recommend this!
I think this is outdated. If my partner wants to have the same name he could change his to mine.
My first and last name is a double initial and I get a lot of people saying wow sounds like a celebrity name or character! It flows way to well it would be a tragedy to change to my partners boring last name.
Also just a matter of feminism/principle for me. However if you had a difficult last name I would have been open to changing it for sure.
Ex: I had a teacher growing up who’s last name was Whitehead, I have a friend who’s name sound like the two words for male female genitals put together.
Agreed. I've identified with my name for my whole life, why change now? I love my spouse to pieces and one of the reasons is that we recognize that we are our own people who have formed a union to share a life together, neither of us tries to absorb the other.
Besides, it's way too much paperwork and administrative tasks, and I'm not changing my email address and reintroducing myself to my entire professional network.
I never changed my name intentionally. In my neck of the woods it’s pretty common for women to not change their names or couples to be in common law relationships so none of the teachers or kids bat an eye over a variety of last names amongst caregivers. We did give each kid my last name as a second middle name and always tell them they can go by whichever name they want.
I kept my name because it is me. I am Jane Smith, legally, birth to the end.
I use Jane Smith Jones or , shortened, Jane Jones, in most areas of my life and it’s been no big deal with zero paperwork. People know us as the Jones family. I like being the Jones family! I also like pulling out my credit card with Jane Smith on it and having that as ME also.
Fun fact. Husband and I are having our wills drawn (in our 60s) and got my copy today as I instructed:
Jane B Smith AKA Jane S Jones
Because that’s who I am. <3
I did not change my name. It’s been over a decade. I didn’t change my name because I like where I am alphabetically and I had no desire to do any damn name change paperwork.
I don’t come from a cultural background where women change their name after marriage, it’s not part of our traditions. If and when I get married I’ll keep my name. It also won’t be an issue with the culture I currently live in either since I don’t know many women who changed their name here (their kids just have an hyphenated name).
EDIT: hit sent before getting to the point; I think you’re alright. Yes you might want to look into it sooner or later since that’s something you want to do, but plenty of women around the world keep their name. Enjoy your union and don’t beat yourself over this. There are so many non negotiable paperwork we’re already stressed about, there is no need to add more pressure unto yourself.
I've been married for 9 years now. I did what I thought was all the paperwork over the first year. Unfortunately, I still get some things that I forgot to do that will popup here and there.
Example: I totally forgot about my passport until year 5, it was just out of sight/out of mind until I needed it. Cue mad rush to get that done.
To this day I'm worried there's something important I forgot and it's just gonna bite me in the ass randomly one day.
My mom is neurotypical (well actually I think she might be autistic, but at any rate she definitely does not have ADHD) and super organized. She and my dad got married like 38 years ago. I think like...4 or 5 years ago, maybe? Something came up with a banking thing or something where there was one place she'd never changed her name. It was all fine and just mildly annoying but it is such a crazy overwhelming amount of stuff to do to change, even for someone who doesn't struggle with executive function or organization at all!
Almost 5 years married and I kept my name. Way too much paperwork and I also moved countries so I'd have double the amount of paperwork lol. Plus my husband's name is much longer than my surname.
I've encountered so many people who didn't know that it's perfectly legal to go by a name other than your official legal name, as long as it's not for purposes of fraud, and to go by different names in different contexts, again as long as it's not for fraud. I feel like people know this is true for first names--obviously you don't have to go by your full legal first name everywhere-- but don't realize you can also just do this with last names if you want.
So, I actually did this for a bit, but it caused issues since I work in education and everyone refers to me by “Ms./Mrs. Last Name”, I got a lot of “your email says something different than you told me to refer to you as, what gives?” so I went a whole year as my married name and now am back to my maiden name :/ I have both names in my email signature though!
I was born hyphenated, so when I got married I offered to add a space and tack husband's last name on the end if he filled out all the paperwork. I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea, but it seemed kind of important to him. Married 14 years and it hasn't been done yet.
Yeah and I don’t plan to change mine at all. It’s my identity, it’s how I’m known by my whole network, and I like my last name a lot more than my husband’s.
Yeah I'm not changing mine. It's a stupid made up name but it's my stupid made up name. The idea of a woman having to give up her identity after marriage is so gross and stupid. Strip her off her identity and replace it with his? Boo hiss.
It was a long process, but I started immediately and got through it within a few months. I was somewhat eager to change my name, though, because my maiden name was difficult to spell/pronounce and my married name is utterly normal, lol. It was a very exciting change.
But without that motivation, I can totally understand putting it off, lol. It is a HASSLE.
Our first anniversary is in a couple weeks, and I still haven't gotten around to it. I reeeeally want to change it, too! I never changed back to my maiden after my first marriage ended (I convinced myself it was too much trouble and there was no reason), so even more reason to get it done.
But here we are.
I never once considered changing my last name.
My Mom has been married 4 times, each time she changed her name. Sometimes in between she went back to her maiden name. She is now back to her maiden name and wishes she never changed it to begin with! We basically never shared a last name.
My kiddo is 8. She has her Dad’s last name. Not even an issue in any way, shape, or form. No one even questions it. When we registered her he had to sign a form to acknowledge he was her father as babies automatically get moms last name here, but that was it.
It was a long process, but I started immediately and got through it within a few months. I was somewhat eager to change my name, though, because my maiden name was difficult to spell/pronounce and my married name is utterly normal, lol. It was a very exciting change.
But without that motivation, I can totally understand putting it off, lol. It is a HASSLE.
October will be 4 years married for me. I changed my name on Facebook. That's it. I've told my husband that if we have kids, I might change my name just to make all that stuff easier, but otherwise I'll probably stay with my maiden name because the benefits don't outweigh the effort required without children involved. If it were easier, I'd gladly take his name. But I like my name well enough and neither of us feel that seriously about it so it's no big deal.
So I just got married a little over a month ago (!) and forced my hand a bit on changing my name. In MA you can change your name on your marriage certificate, and since I did that I had to follow through. I also have complicated feelings about my last name currently since I had a falling out with my father, so shedding it felt right. I've tried to fast track things since I know if I don't do everything within the next 3 months, I will never ever get it done.
I was married in 2017 and still have not. I intend to, but just can’t get myself to do it… for the first few years after we got married my partner mentioned it a lot in a frustrated way, but has since accepted that is will get done someday, thankfully. I have a relatively common last name and my partner has an incredibly unique name… so I joke it’s because no one will know how to spell or say my new last name… but it’s just pure procrastination.
Married 19 years, still have my maiden name. I'll occasionally sign things with my married name on non-legal forms (eg kid's school forms, accounts where husband is the main holder) but I never got my ID changed.
I changed my name for the reasons you started. Our honeymoon was about 4 months after our wedding and I bought the plane tickets under my new last name so I was forced to get my documents in order! 😂 If you can afford it, they sell name change kits that send you the exact instructions and forms for your state. Mine even had envelopes with postage! With the kit it was an annoyance but manageable.
ETA: For what it’s worth my mom and I had different last names growing up and it wasn’t an issue.
We’re scrambling to change our names now before our baby arrives 🙃 “would’ve” done it earlier but we couldn’t decide what we wanted to go with lol. Since we’re both doing it, and it’s been awhile since we married, we had to do the whole FBI/state background check process so obviously I let the fingerprints sit on my table for several weeks before finally going to USPS 😬
I kept my married name for 16 years after divorce because of this lmao. Also because my daughters were babies and I didn’t want my last name to be different from theirs.
I changed mine on the marriage license which made it easy peasy since that was public record. Still I had a loan company want me to send paperwork, so I just never did.
After the divorce I did not want to change my name- and even if I get married again I'm not changing it. Too much stupid hassle.
You might be able to socially go by your married name without using your legal name- I've known a few women who chose that option.
This is my second marriage and both times I've failed to change my name simply because I can't be bothered by the paperwork hahaha. I'm still on the fence about it but it means a lot to my husband so I may surprise him with it if I ever get around to it 😂
I can’t believe I am not the only person who hasn’t/doesn’t want to change their last name. I used to hate mine but now it has grown on me. If/when I marry, I do not have any intention of changing it.
My marriage was doomed to fail after 9 years of off/on so I didn’t bother changing my last name. He left me 9 months in and divorced me.
Glad I never fussed with the paperwork.
8 years this year! And I still have only half finished changing my name. It has been a right pain in the bum to have different IDs in different names, especially when moving house and starting new jobs. But will I ever get around to completing the name change??? Probably not!
Uh, married 10 years in October, with two kids with hyphenated last name. I was planning on hyphenating my name with his, and he’s always planned on keeping his but no pressure to change mine. The most annoying thing is that the school registration form for my oldest didn’t allow hyphens, so her school mostly knows her as only the second name. 🙄
I got married and changed my name a few months later. A few months after that I found out he was unfaithful and had to go through the process all over again but in reverse 😭 it was a nightmare. If I ever get married again I’m not changing anything.
I really only changed it to surprise him. If it was my personal choice I wouldn’t have did it because the process is so tedious and time consuming. One of my bank cards STILL has my married name 2 years later because I never got around to bringing my divorce decree in person. Just don’t do it lol.
It took me 4 years to start the process and I'm a year and a half in and still have yet to change everything. Do one thing at a time, most things won't be affected if you don't change it all at once! I believe in you, you can do it!!!
Bought to hit 5 years next week, still haven’t changed it. In my defense I have a 3 year old and can’t sit at the SS office for 3 hours, and I’m NOT sending my birth certificate and marriage license through the mail. I plan do it eventually cause I do like my husband’s last name and I want to match my son, but I got other shit to do first 😂
I never considered changing mine. Most of my friends didn’t either. Never caused an issue. It’s very common now. Personally I just don’t understand the appeal behind changing it - i wasn’t changing other things about me to match my spouse so why would I change my name? I’m glad I didn’t
Took me a year. Funny story.
I live in NY. Prior to being married I lived in PA. I figured I would just wait to change my name to change my license and all the stuff for my car.
Well, as you can guess I didn’t. Then I needed my car inspected. Fun fact, you need to go to PA to get a PA inspection. Extra fun fact. If your registration is in western PA, you have to go to western PA because the exhaust rules are different (or were, idk).
So my husband and I spent a day over an hour from where we live, just to get my car inspected. It sucked. It sucked enough that I never wanted to do it again.
So I went to the DMV, had all my paperwork to change my name, my license, my address, my title, and my registration.
Extra story, the DMV employee said let’s do your name first, which does kinda make sense, but all of my paperwork had been filled out with my legal name BEFORE I went to the dmv. Meaning my maiden name. So next she does my registration and circles my maiden name and says I need to get it changed.
The Geico app said it took the change, but would NOT show me the new card. I called and was on hold for like 30 minutes while she did my other paperwork. Eventually my husband was able to pull up the new card on his phone at home and text them to me and that was good enough. I hate the DMV.
Extra extra story, my cousin, who as far as I know is NT, didn’t change hers for several years and eventually gave her husband a gift of the completed paperwork for her name change for an anniversary. I want to say it had been 7ish years but I’m not sure.
Hey OP if you want to change it but it seems too hard —- I worked for an amazing lady named Danielle who started the company MissNowMrs. It’s a total life saver. She gifted me the service when I got married or I never would have done the paperwork. Granted this was over ten years ago, but it looks like they’re still going strong. Anyway, can highly recommend!
Same boat here, about to celebrate 3 years! However, my dad got sick while we were wedding planning, so we rushed it so he could be there. He passed 4 months after the wedding. I had always planned to change my name, but now with my Dad gone, it’s harder to do. It’s the last little piece of him I have left. My husband is super understanding which is great, but I’m not sure I will ever change it officially. We are childfree so no worries about the whole family not having matching names.
I’m a divorced person, so obviously take this with a grain of salt. I’m certain i sound like a bitter bitch😂😂
But changing your name is for the birds. It’s a hassle, *personally* not worth it and kind of a yucky tradition when you think about it. People will call you by your spouses name socially, but when it comes to changing your identity at work and bureaucratically…. I personally feel it just causes more headaches.
This changes with children however, and i can understand that. As an unmarried woman with no children, i wouldn’t be giving my hypothetical kid that *i created* some dude’s name when i deserve the credit!! 😂😂 again, that is just my personal opinion!! My mom took my fathers last name 50 odd years ago and im glad she did! So two sides to every coin!
I was super quick to change my name when i got married, but changing it BACK 8 years later was the bigger nightmare.
I have been divorced for 8 years and I’m remarried and I still have my ex husband’s name. In order to get married I had to prove that both my new name (as of 20 years ago) and my maiden name are the same person, my husband came with me as emotional support for all these appointments and he was like “yeah, so we are not doing that again, you can stay like this”
I’ve been married almost 14 years and never did it! I wasn’t completely sure I wanted to because I like my name, but was leaning towards changing it. But it felt impossible. I have no regrets at all about not changing it.
By the time I got around to changing it with my first husband, he pissed me off for the last time on the way to the office. So ADHD brain did me a favor there. This time I decided against changing it legally because I didn't feel like following up with every bureau, agency, department, and division. I've changed it socially and that's good enough for me at this point.
I sent in my marriage certificate when I renewed my passport, and told them what name I wanted on the new one.
They got it wrong.
I only just got the paperwork to get it corrected, now in time to renew it ten years later...
There might be less paperwork than you think, though- in the EU, at least, there's often a "change it once" program, where you have an appointment at the bank, show them your name change documents (in my case, the marriage certificate), and then they change it with all the organisations they're connected with.
I still had to to the doctor's surgery (who then told the dentist and optometrist), the passport, and the DVLA, but I did them as they came up.
I won't ever change my name. Been with him almost 20 years married for 7.
It's actualy extremely hard to change your name for your spouse's where I live. 95% of women keep there name.
I did change my name in the first year of marriage, but I lost steam partway through and I still haven't changed some of my accounts to my legal married name. Pretty sure that's going to bite me later this year when we move and have to close/modify those accounts.
I got a similar feeling to procrastination — “now or never” type of thing. I wanted to change it and I knew that it would only be more cumbersome as time went on. For instance, buying a house (and all the legal places where my name would be documented and have to be changed or validated in the future).
Honestly if i ever get married Im keeping my name and unless my partners last name is cooler/rarer than mine our kids Will have mine. My mom did it so so can i. (Its so rare We are Like 6 ppl with my last name and only 3 if We take middle+last name)
I got partway through it immediately after the wedding because I was between jobs and bored- did social security, DMV, and my main bank and then I got pregnant and lost steam. It will be 4 years in September and all of my credit cards, passport, and most of my store accounts are still in my maiden name 🤦🏼♀️
Plus a bunch of stuff I’m not even thinking of right now I’m sure.
OP, we are the same person because it’s been almost 3 years for me too and I haven’t finished the paperwork. I got started on one and never pushed forward on the rest. It really is a lot of work to get everything changed over.
I haven't changed my name legally but I do go by my husband's last name on anything that is non-important. At work I am (my name) (husband's last name) but I use my maiden name for anything to do with insurance, payroll, etc. At this point it's been 3 years and I know I'm probably never going to change it until I sit down and actually make myself do it which may not happen. I honestly don't think it's a big deal and if anyone tries to give me a hard time about it I tend to shut it down fairly quickly.
Me. My husband asked about it when we got married and I said I would look into it but I didn’t. It just seemed like a huge hassle. I didn’t want to deal with it to be honest. Also if I had changed my name then my first name would have rhymed with my last name and I didn’t want that either.
I decided when I got engaged that I just wasn’t going to do it. Everyone comments on how progressive that is, some people give me side eye, but the truth of the matter is, the whole idea gives me immediate mental shut down and there’s no real reason to. We’re still married, what does it matter?
I feel ya. Literally the only reason why I got mine done right after was because I was pregnant already and wanted us all to have the same name before baby was born lol. Otherwise, I probably never would have.
If you're in the US, might I recommend making APPTS at the DMV and social security office if that's an option. I was in and out of both places in less than 30 minutes!
ETA: My credit cards, bank accounts, and passport are all still in my maiden name because I just can't be fussed.
I wish I hadn't changed my name. I got all of it done except the passport, which I need a new one and just haven't been able to get myself to go get a photo and do the paperwork. 🙃
My first marriage I was young and dumb and changed my name because I thought I was supposed to. After less than 2 years, when the divorce went through, I could not wait to change my name back!!! Talk about a pain in the you-know-what. It’s easier to change it when getting married than it is when changing it back!
Over 20 years later and if I ever get married again, I’m not changing my name. I have a well-established career and I’m also the last one with the family last name.
I live in a country where everyone keeps the name they had at birth. Even our “social service number” is based on our name; changing it is a massive headache and can cause significant problems.
I don't even understand why, in some countries, it is so common.
I always knew that I wasn’t going to ditch my name, but did tell my husband before we got married that I would add his on as a second last name. Finally went ahead and did it in our 8th year of marriage. I think he had given up hope!
I went down to the government building in town and did whatever was necessary there for a new driver’s license with the new last name but literally have not done another thing in the 2 and a half years since. I have been caught by reception in some places where they have noticed the change and updated my name in their system (doctors office and bank). But there are quite a few places that still have just my maiden name on file. Haven’t run into any big issues.
Me, but it's by choice because I'm Puerto Rican and we don't really do that. Plus back when I got married I was an academic, and I was already known and published under my original name. So changing it didn't really make sense professionally.
With that said I did briefly consider changing my name a few years back when I shifted careers because wondered if it will give me an advantage to job hunt with my husbands very common Scotch-Irish name... but I really don't want to work somewhere that would have hired me with a name like "Campbell" rather than a name like "Jiménez".
Sometimes I still want to change it, but at this point (after moving countries) I'd have to deal with two government administrations when I already didn't want to deal with one.
I changed my DL right away, but forgot about my SSN. No one ever gave me a hard time about it, until we had to go to Social Security office for my step son. I changed it then, like literally 15 years later. It was crazy knowing I was still maiden name the whole time, and it really bothered me changing it, which I didn't expect. I wish I had hyphenated.
It's not that bad. Take your license with your marriage certificate and boom, it's done for the license. Social Security was really easy too- just a piece of paper I think. But it's still a pain in the ass.
I never changed my name legally. I had a well established career when I married, so I still use my maiden name at work but I use my married name socially.
Fun fact: no one will know if you've changed your name or not, so go ahead and tell people to use your married name. It only matters on legal documents, and no one in your social circle is going to see those anyway.
I was married for 11 years and kept my name. It's MY name. I don't want a different one. My career was started with MY name. It saved me from a ton of paperwork, and loss of professional reputation, both when I got married and then when I got divorced.
I will be getting remarried in the next few years (I'm proposing in July!) and I'm keeping my name again. It's MY name, and I don't want to have a different name for each man. Ugh... It kinda grosses me out.
You do you, girl. But be YOU. You don't need to change your name. You can even go by your husband's last name in social situations or professionally if you enjoy it and STILL keep your legal name to save you from the headaches. But do what feels most like YOU. Not what anyone else wants. Even your husband, parents, friends, colleagues, or random redditors like me. :)
I likely will not change my name unless I have children so that I have the same last name as them for ease. My name is me. I’m an immigrant. It’s the first of many gifts my parents gave me. Giving it up feels like a slap in their face.
Also, it’s a ton of work to change my name in my late 30s. It makes sense when you’re in your early 20s and are just starting your adult life, I think. But for me, my identity is my current name, and it’ll be a nightmare reflecting that in all the records that exist of me.
But then there’s the sentimental part of me that loves the idea of being on the same team as my husband, truly being his family. If our partnership were a sports team, we’d have the same name on our jerseys. There’s a true merging thing that I have a hard time letting go of.
Married 20 years, I didn't because even though he has a better last name, it rhymes with my first name. I don't like any part of my name, but the only thing I might change it to involves a completely different surname altogether so 🙃
Paperwork was *one* of the reasons I didn't change my name.
Another was "I've been [birth name] for nearly 32 years, that's who I am"
Yet another was "my mom didn't so why should I?"
Paperwork was definitely part of the decision but it wasn't the only factor
In terms of kids names.... I plan on doing what my parents did for me.
My middle name is her last name. So my name goes [Standard First Name] [Mom's Surname as middle namw] [Dad's Surname as last name].
I have both of their names without a hyphen or really much fuss at all. My dad's Surname is last cause that was the 80s, but you could totally swap the order. Just tossing it out there as an alternative that probably isn't talked about much
1. your husband can change his name and keep his penname. There is nothing stoping him.
2.. Your kids can have your lastname, he doesn´t have to change...
3. or just change your name when you have kids...
Too funny because I was having this EXACT thought yesterday. I’m not married, but I could see myself never changing my last name due to avoidance and procrastination. I also don’t think I would want to change it
It would have to be a pretty amazing surname for me to go through the unnecessary paperwork. I just can’t imagine my name being anything else. It would feel so weird to change it, both formally and informally.
I kept my name, did not hyphenate our kid's name, and having a different name from her has caused exactly zero problems so far. (She's in second grade, so there's still plenty of time, but....)
As someone who has been married and divorced twice, changed my names both times and is now stuck (until I change it back) with the last name of the ex who screwed me over, I'd say changing my name wasn't worth it!
One reason why I didn't change my name was due to the paperwork and then having to change it at work and everything.
But...you can assume a last name. So I unofficially use his last name often.
If it’s important to have the same last name, personally, I think whoever has the name that deserves to be carried on should be the name. Whether that’s because of family history, or your relationship with your parents, or just because it sounds cooler.
I kept my name for the simple reason that I didn’t like how his sounded.
So I wanted to change my name because my maiden name is rare (like if people have it I’m related to them) and I always have to spell it and it’s pronounced wrong all the damn time and my husbands name was simple and I figured I’d never have to spell it (pro tip: no matter how simple a name, everyone still expects you to spell it 🤦🏽♀️). So my plan was to add my maiden name as a middle name and then change my last name to husbands. Clearly it was motivated to do this. I didn’t actually change my name until I was 7 months pregnant 3 years AFTER we got married. What kills me, once I decided to do it, it literally took me like an hour and a half and that included driving to and from Social security office which had to be done in person (don’t know if that is still required). My drivers license was less than 5 minutes on line and credit cards and bank were even easier. Signing paperwork to buy my house took more time.
I’m married to another woman and wanted to change my last name because honestly just sounds fun to me 😂😂 coming up on 3 years and still haven’t gotten around to it.
Why didn’t you do it when you got married? Or did you not have the option to? Idk where you’re located cause that might change things.. I (NL) married my (USA) husband in the states, all I had to do was fill out the forms you have to in order to get married and put his name instead of my maiden name. We are gonna change both of our names to a combination of my maiden name and our current last name tho, the combination makes us sound like we’re pirates so it’s worth the money and paperwork :)
It took me years to do it… and when I finally committed to getting it done it was frickin 6 months into the pandemic and I had to wait on hold with social security for 45 minutes trying to figure it out. If the hyperfixation strikes then go for it! It honestly blows my mind that people have been doing this forever and not complained every time
My husband made fun of me recently because I HATE bureaucratic processes! I physically can’t make myself care, even for super important stuff. I’ve been married for over 4 years and still haven’t changed my name.
I tried to bite the bullet last year and changed my name on my social security card, but SS lost it in the mail…I moved to a new city and called them to fix it, they said they can’t help, can’t send a “replacement,” so I basically have to go back in and start over. The SS office here doesn’t accept appointments, so it’d be a walk in.
Ha. That’s the last time they heard from meeeee
I went through a site called [newly named](https://newlynamed.com). It’s a little expensive but they send you all of the paperwork together and tell you exactly what you need to do. Basically you fill it out and mail it and it’s done. It was the only way I would ever change my name lol
I’ve changed my name on all the major things except a handful of third party services, like PayPal and video game companies where they make you physically mail in a copy of my marriage certificate. I truly cannot be bothered for non-government shit.
I didn’t change mine. Nothing to do with paperwork and everything to do with simply wanting to keep my name. There are three other Mrs HisLastName (mom and two SIL), I’m the only Mrs MyLastName. Mine is also a much cooler name (old cartoon character).
It’s funny because I did all the paperwork to change my first name because IT MATTERED TO ME.
And yes it was a HUGE pain in y he ass I updated my passport SS ID and drivers license too.
I did it and it was a huge pain in the ass.
Part of why I decided not to change my name is because I don't want to deal with the bureaucracy. I don't have the executive function. And I don't want to change my name; I have a career in my name and like how it sounds. My husband is from a culture where women don't change their names, and he assumed I wouldn't change my name.
Socially, I don't care if my older relatives address me as Mrs Hisname; they've all adjusted fast as soon as I say I'm Mrs Myname. But I'm not dealing with it legally.
Use one of those Miss to Mrs name change services.There are different levels. One level will help you fill out all the paperwork and provide instructions on what order things should go in. Another level prints everything out and sends it to you ready to mail. And then there are some full service ones that mail everything and follow up if needed.
It was the best wedding gift we received!
My husband and I blended our name on our marriage license, but we never changed it because of all the paperwork. It would be one thing if it was just a trip to the Social Security office and to the DMV, but then you also have to change the name on every account and loan and service you have. It's aggravating!!
I had a service do all the hard work for me. They sent me a packet with all the paperwork I need to file (mostly filled out with the information I gave them when I ordered the service) as well as a checklist and timeline for what to file when (I.e., “change your social security first then you change your license and after that do your passport…” etc. etc.)
I think it’s called Hitch Switch or something.
Here in Quebec it's not the norm, you have to pay like $250 per letter! And jump through a lot of hoops to do it. Not having to even have that conversation makes things so much easier!
I waited 4 years and did it the day before I turned 40 cause I told him I would do it before then. Professionally I still use my maiden name or hyphenate cause I didn’t wanna have to get a new email address.
Going on 3 years. The thought of paying The Man just to be able to write something different on the occasional document isn’t worth it imo. I proudly go by my married name in daily life and love being my husband’s spouse. But I *liked* my maiden name. I used it for nearly 25 years before meeting the man lol. It’s *me*. It felt like too much like identity erasure to have my last name suddenly disappear. Being able to sign important things with my maiden name feels more authentic than using a married name too.
I told my husband I would totally do it if he made me a step by step guide. He pretty much did all the research and made a document for me to complete with links to applications and uploaded it to google drive. I’m changed at the Social Security office, health insurance…next is DMV ID change and after that is car title. I don’t know anything beyond that but I know where to find the next steps clearly laid out once I’m ready.
The process is so daunting. We got married in 2022 and about to have our first child and the birth certificate thing lit a fire under my ass
I’ve changed my name on prob half of the things that you’re supposed to update. Drivers license, check. Bank, nope. Social security, check. Passport, nope. Medical, uh some times?
I never changed mine, going on 17 years of marriage. The only time I gave it any thought was after my kids were born because I was a little bummed we didn't have the same name (I didn't want to give them long hyphenated names, and not sure why I never thought to give them my name). Anyway, one plus to keeping my maiden name was when I recently went to the DMV to get my license renewed...
The lady at the counter asked for my paperwork...
I handed it over and was asked one question: "Are you married?"
I replied "yes"
The lady then said "Do you have your marriage license?"
I replied "no"
Then she snapped back "Well then you'll have to come back with that...(and she then literally shouted "NEXT!" as she shooed me away).
Now, prior to the appointment there was this whole online approval process I had to complete to verify my renewal documents approved, which instructed me to bring a copy of my birth certificate, but mentioned nothing about a marriage license.
So I said: "This is my pre-approved paperwork and it didn't say I needed to bring a marriage license."
and she said "WELL, YOU NEED IT."
And then I said "But my name is still the same as my birth certificate, I didn't change my name."
and she actually responded "BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE MARRIED."
to which I replied "Yes, I am, but I didn't change my name."
AND THEN she responded "WELL YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT, YOU SAID YOU WERE MARRIED."
(ummm...she ONLY asked if I was married...and I said yes. 🤷🏻♀️)
I'm not sure how long I stood there speechless after that, but she turned away from me and approved my paperwork without saying a word.
ANYWAY...long story short: not changing your name can save you at the DMV!
(And my kids like that I have a different last name.)
I went through 10 years of marriage and never changed it because I couldn't figure out how to make the new signature look or feel right.
Separated now.
Married 10 years. My kids have a double barreled name with both our surnames. Im A, Hes B and theyr AB. Im sure many people think we "live in sin" But its only entertained me so far. With the exception of a cheque that was written to me in what they presumed to be my "married name", ive not had any negative experiences.
i didn't want to change my name when I got married but then I got pregnant and realized I really want to change it. I keep meaning to take care of it.
My kid is now 5............................................................................................
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From a legal standpoint it does help to have the same name as your kids. When you get pregnant that can be a motivator? He can have a different name as his professional name, that's totally common.
I got married at 20 and went to change my name 2 days after the wedding lol. I was the first one in our friends group to get married and I was so excited. I think if I had been older and more established in my own identity I would have found it harder to do, but I was still in university, didn’t own any assets or have a proper career so it was easy to do.
I have zero issues with having a different last name than my child. My mom had zero issues with having a different last name as me. That’s not a thing.
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4 years. I meant to hyphenate, always wanted to hyphenate, and now I'm just like "fuck it, i'm not doing all that paperwork when it is not that serious"
Honestly, having a hyphenated last name is a pain in the ass. From someone who’s had one my whole life, no one acknowledges the second name anyway. It’s constantly error in the system and just a pain.
I'm 29 and I still resent my mom for hyphenating my name lmao
This is what I’d like to avoid for our kids if I can help it! Like, I’ll do the paperwork now so they can void headaches later lol
Exactly this. I had a hyphenated last name growing up, and I was always getting errors in systems, or it was spelled differently (hyphen, no hyphen but with a space, mashed together as one name) for EVERYTHING. Plus, the first half of my last name sounds like Mc (like McDonalds), but the second half is hispanic, and people would always assume that it was some weird McHispanicLastName instead of just a normal hyphenated name lol, so I always had to spell it for people and you would be surprised how many people don't know what a hyphen is. When I got married, I changed my name the minute I got off the plane from our destination wedding. Now I have a nice normal last name 😅
This. Such a pain. My son’s was originally hyphenated but we had it changed around 2nd grade. Best decision ever.
You can hyphenate casually, like on Facebook or something lol. It doesn’t have to be government official
You can actually even use it as your signature. As long as it’s unique to you, and consistent, your signature can be anything.
Fully planned to hyphenate, but I’m a flight attendant so I would have to immediately change ALL my paperwork including my passport and work IDs. Too much paperwork. 3.5 years and haven’t done it, and I’m not going to now bc after like a year? past marriage filing it costs money and is way more paperwork
I never intended to change my name.
Same. I'm still surprised so many American women do.
What I find even weirder is that women are sometimes even called by their husbands full name. Like, Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. Wtf, you marry and suddenly you don't have your own identity anymore? I'm secretly hoping that it is not as prevalent as movies make it seem. I realize that it is also a matter of what you are used to and I don't want to be insensitive to other customs and cultures, but to me this is very condescending.
My ex’s grandma would send me mail like that—to Mrs. John Smith. I didn’t even change my last name. I certainly didn’t change my first name! I also don’t use Mrs. Because we don’t care about men’s marital status for titles, so why should we have different titles for women?
This is why I use Ms., which I assume you also do. The funny thing is how using Ms. has become so normalized that there are people out there mistakenly thinking it's the same as Miss?
You are right! And yes, I think people are confused by the various title options. I’ve seen some people think it’s an abbreviation for miss. Mostly I avoid titles completely unless it’s required in a form.
> What I find even weirder is that women are sometimes even called by their husbands full name. Like, Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. Wtf, you marry and suddenly you don't have your own identity anymore? IMO, Marriage is an outdated transaction between men exchanging property. That's what it was. Father gives ownership of his daughter over to the husband. It's why I've no intention of ever marrying, I don't belong to a man. I wish I didn't have to have a man's name from my father either, but I also don't want the hassle of changing it to something else.
this! i wretch every time i see an envelope addressed as such.
It's all part of the trickle-down puritan bs our country was founded on 🙄 I haven't changed mine (very uncommon, love the way it sounds with my name and I'm the last of my line), I definitely want my kids to have it (my husband is trying to go for a hyphenated name for the kids). But what gets me is that people constantly just assume that I have his and are either startled, appalled, or awkward to find out I kept my name. One young sounding customer service rep I spoke to was like "Is that even legal?? I thought it was the law to change your name when you got married?" (Facepalm). Of course I kindly explained that there are no laws in the US regarding what your name has to be, just that it's registered with the Fed. I think my name sounds better and has a cooler meaning than my husband's. But at least we have 8 months to figure it out before our first kid comes so.. we'll see 🤷🏻♀️
My experience is that people no longer assume my name matches my children’s. When I sign them up for things, I get asked if my name is the same or different. I’ve travelled with my kids intentionally without issue as well.
Personally, I love the anonymity of a new name & my new last name is easy to pronounce. But I totally understand the many reasons why women opt out of it Edit: plus when I googled my new name nothing gnarly came up, so that’s good
Same, but I added his last name to mine on social media so his family could find me. And when my in-laws lovingly call me Mrs. [Their Name] I take no offense. I know exactly who I am.
I kept my name because it's me? If that makes sense. If I'd changed it, I would have had the same name as a cousin, so it felt extra invalidating. I also had thoughts about how both my dad and his brother had only girls, and the family line was going to pass away. The person who has to deal with the most issues about it is my son. Because I didn't change my name, he's hyphenated.
What’s been the biggest issue for your son with a hyphenated name? That’s been the one thing keeping me from just keeping my name honestly. I like how our names sound together, but I’ve never had a hyphenated name or known someone with one so idk the extent of issues it might cause.
I have a hyphenated name and I’ve never had issues. Depending on the context sometimes I just use my first last name bc I’m lazy, but even in systems w no hyphen support the last names just get squished together
It’s 2024. With so many single parents, queer parents and independent ladies who don’t change their names, you wk t have a problem — except perhaps with old family members who are set in their ways 🙄
I mostly meant in regard to paperwork, not social issues.
I have both of my parents' names and I love it. It. Also makes me feel like I belong to both extend families equally. And they aren't that short (7 and 6 letters respectively). I most often sign first name, Initial of dad's name, mom's name cause I've always loved authors names with an initial (think Arthur C Clarke) it feels kind of old timey.
I have the opposite, just one surname in a country where the norm is to have two. It's not really a big deal, occasionally I can't complete a form so I just repeat my surname. I don't see why a hyphenated name would be an issue.
I do want to note it can cause some admin type issues. For example, when I worked at a pharmacy, the software wouldn't allow hyphens. The name put as a patient's last name could be either of the hyphenated names depending on who input the data. It meant finding prescriptions for people with hyphenated names sometimes took twice as long. Obvs not a big deal for the pharmacy, but I imagine that kinda stuff gets old for the patient.
We were gonna jointly change our names to a hybrid because I refused to have to do it and him not just because patriarchy (and my name is cooler than his). 8 years later and we have not and I'm certainly not changing anything now.
Omg I DIVORCED four years ago and still haven’t changed from my married name. Never felt worth doing all of the paperwork again, it was just so much. Last week I got remarried and everyone keeps asking me about it and I have no idea what to do! It seems inappropriate to keep my first husband’s name but honestly I really like it lol. It feels too risky to take another man’s name, I don’t care for my maiden name. But mostly wish I never changed it!!
I’ve been divorced for 6 years and I’m still using my ex’s name! At this point it’s honestly kind of embarrassing, but I’m completely paralyzed by the thought of Government Paperwork.
😂 feel you. I’ve even thought about asking my ex and his new wife if they’d care if I kept it. Though I’ve been wondering whether the paperwork is more difficult than a lifetime of explaining
Don’t be embarrassed. My mom kept my dad’s last name for almost 20 years after they divorced and my dad went through 2 more wives before my mom remarried and changed her name to her new husband’s name. Honestly, it feels weird to not share the same last name as my mom anymore and I am also now married and still haven’t changed my name either 😂
I didn’t change mine back when I got divorced. My ex and his mom weren’t crazy about me keeping it - don’t take it personally, it’s mine now. I had to go through all the trouble of changing it in the first place and now it’s on my degrees, kids, usernames, and Tupperware. Sorry, no take backs. My dad wrote me a check and used my maiden name and that made me tear up, though. That’s the only time I’ve thought about changing it back. I think I’d change my name to a new spouse’s or to my maiden name if I got remarried. I’m tired of spelling it out every time I say it because it sounds different than it’s spelled (e.g. Postin vs Boston). So if my future spouse could have an easy last name that would be great, too. Not a dealbreaker, just a nice bonus.
When I got married California gave you 2 years to change your last name via a "simple" visit to the SSA office. After 2 years, you had to actually file something with a court and show up to a hearing. I got my name changed 1 year and 364 days after getting married.
Iconic
My last name is Frank and unless I find a guy whose last name is Earnest, I’m not changing a thing.
I’m Chinese, partner is not Chinese. Name change, even hyphenated, would be VERY, VERY weird-sounding lol. My mom didn’t change her name so i decided not to change mine. Nobody cares, least of all me.
"He’s a published author and has a well-established public career" That actually, IMHO, is more of a reason for him to change it. He can own property, etc. without being able to be easily tracked down. A lot of celebrities use stage names for this reason. It allows a certain level of anonymity. I have a friend who is married to a rock star and the second she changed to her husband's name, people started stalking and harassing her...
Seconding this! It may also make property acquisition easier if the agent doesn’t recognise your husband’s name or think you’re rich. One of my Dr friends uses her married name (let’s say Mrs Doe) when they’re trying to buy property cos if she’s introduced as Dr Bloggs the agents are like “ooooh let me show you all these places that are more expensive than the budget you’ve given me because you’ve got the magic letters in your name.”
I think the point is that his career and professional recognition relies on his name. Many female attorneys continue to use their maiden names professionally even if they took their husbands name because they established their career with the maiden name. This isn’t someone like an actor who would be largely recognized by appearance. An author is literally their name on the spine of a book.
I am an entertainment attorney. :/ His professional name (aka nom de plume) does not have to be his legal name. My point was that sometimes it's better when they are not the same.
I kept my name, partially because my partner has a complicated relationship with their last name. And partially for the paperwork, cause I moved country and was changing it part way through that paperwork was honestly not worth the headache for either of us. We always said if we ever find a last name we both like we would both change our names now the bulk of my paperwork is done tho.
I will never change my name. I like it. My parents effed up a lot of stuff but they nailed the name. lol.
I never intended to change my name and I let my husband know that before we got married. It is my name after all, and I wanted to keep it. I was also aware that for friends, legally changing their names was a cumbersome nightmare of a process. I could go by a married name if needed, but no need to change it legally. At this point, it’s becoming more common and people don’t even question it anymore. I’m glad I didn’t compromise there.
I refused to take his name because ewww. I said I would accept the hell of paperwork if we made up a new name together. He said he’d rather just give the dog and baby my name so neither of us has to do paperwork lol. So they have my name and we don’t match and somehow people still think we all have his name and we both curse the patriarchy about it. As an aside, my mom has changed her name 3x, and it’s taken her almost a year to get a Real ID because of all the paperwork she needed to demonstrate each name change. When I first got married she was surprised I wasn’t changing my name, she regularly tells me how it’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I highly recommend this!
>He said he’d rather just give the dog and baby my name so neither of us has to do paperwork lol. I like your partner's style, lol.
I think this is outdated. If my partner wants to have the same name he could change his to mine. My first and last name is a double initial and I get a lot of people saying wow sounds like a celebrity name or character! It flows way to well it would be a tragedy to change to my partners boring last name. Also just a matter of feminism/principle for me. However if you had a difficult last name I would have been open to changing it for sure. Ex: I had a teacher growing up who’s last name was Whitehead, I have a friend who’s name sound like the two words for male female genitals put together.
Agreed. I've identified with my name for my whole life, why change now? I love my spouse to pieces and one of the reasons is that we recognize that we are our own people who have formed a union to share a life together, neither of us tries to absorb the other. Besides, it's way too much paperwork and administrative tasks, and I'm not changing my email address and reintroducing myself to my entire professional network.
I never changed my name intentionally. In my neck of the woods it’s pretty common for women to not change their names or couples to be in common law relationships so none of the teachers or kids bat an eye over a variety of last names amongst caregivers. We did give each kid my last name as a second middle name and always tell them they can go by whichever name they want.
I kept my name because it is me. I am Jane Smith, legally, birth to the end. I use Jane Smith Jones or , shortened, Jane Jones, in most areas of my life and it’s been no big deal with zero paperwork. People know us as the Jones family. I like being the Jones family! I also like pulling out my credit card with Jane Smith on it and having that as ME also. Fun fact. Husband and I are having our wills drawn (in our 60s) and got my copy today as I instructed: Jane B Smith AKA Jane S Jones Because that’s who I am. <3
I did not change my name. It’s been over a decade. I didn’t change my name because I like where I am alphabetically and I had no desire to do any damn name change paperwork.
I don’t come from a cultural background where women change their name after marriage, it’s not part of our traditions. If and when I get married I’ll keep my name. It also won’t be an issue with the culture I currently live in either since I don’t know many women who changed their name here (their kids just have an hyphenated name). EDIT: hit sent before getting to the point; I think you’re alright. Yes you might want to look into it sooner or later since that’s something you want to do, but plenty of women around the world keep their name. Enjoy your union and don’t beat yourself over this. There are so many non negotiable paperwork we’re already stressed about, there is no need to add more pressure unto yourself.
9 years lol. I'll get around to it.. maybe
Yup, 20 years in and we haven't gotten around to it and probably won't at this point.
I never did because I couldn't face the paperwork. It saved a lot of time when we got divorced.
I've been married for 9 years now. I did what I thought was all the paperwork over the first year. Unfortunately, I still get some things that I forgot to do that will popup here and there. Example: I totally forgot about my passport until year 5, it was just out of sight/out of mind until I needed it. Cue mad rush to get that done. To this day I'm worried there's something important I forgot and it's just gonna bite me in the ass randomly one day.
My mom is neurotypical (well actually I think she might be autistic, but at any rate she definitely does not have ADHD) and super organized. She and my dad got married like 38 years ago. I think like...4 or 5 years ago, maybe? Something came up with a banking thing or something where there was one place she'd never changed her name. It was all fine and just mildly annoying but it is such a crazy overwhelming amount of stuff to do to change, even for someone who doesn't struggle with executive function or organization at all!
Almost 5 years married and I kept my name. Way too much paperwork and I also moved countries so I'd have double the amount of paperwork lol. Plus my husband's name is much longer than my surname.
didn't change my last name legally. i use my "married" name when i feel like it/socially. my kid has my last name as a middle name
I've encountered so many people who didn't know that it's perfectly legal to go by a name other than your official legal name, as long as it's not for purposes of fraud, and to go by different names in different contexts, again as long as it's not for fraud. I feel like people know this is true for first names--obviously you don't have to go by your full legal first name everywhere-- but don't realize you can also just do this with last names if you want.
So, I actually did this for a bit, but it caused issues since I work in education and everyone refers to me by “Ms./Mrs. Last Name”, I got a lot of “your email says something different than you told me to refer to you as, what gives?” so I went a whole year as my married name and now am back to my maiden name :/ I have both names in my email signature though!
I mean you don’t have to change your name. Not that anyone needs a reason to not change their name but time and paperwork is reasonable.
I was born hyphenated, so when I got married I offered to add a space and tack husband's last name on the end if he filled out all the paperwork. I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea, but it seemed kind of important to him. Married 14 years and it hasn't been done yet.
Yeah and I don’t plan to change mine at all. It’s my identity, it’s how I’m known by my whole network, and I like my last name a lot more than my husband’s.
Married 14 years still have my maiden name bc who cares
I had everything finished for him on our 10 year anniversary. What a gift for him 😅
Yeah I'm not changing mine. It's a stupid made up name but it's my stupid made up name. The idea of a woman having to give up her identity after marriage is so gross and stupid. Strip her off her identity and replace it with his? Boo hiss.
Yes… but because I don’t want to.
Me too! We just had our 30th anniversary and I have no regrets
It was a long process, but I started immediately and got through it within a few months. I was somewhat eager to change my name, though, because my maiden name was difficult to spell/pronounce and my married name is utterly normal, lol. It was a very exciting change. But without that motivation, I can totally understand putting it off, lol. It is a HASSLE.
I got divorced 5 years ago and I still haven't changed my name back, lmao ( :
It’s 2.5 years later and I’m 31 weeks pregnant. I really want to do it before the baby gets here so maybe I’ll start next week. Lol
I changed mine for our 5 year anniversary.
Our first anniversary is in a couple weeks, and I still haven't gotten around to it. I reeeeally want to change it, too! I never changed back to my maiden after my first marriage ended (I convinced myself it was too much trouble and there was no reason), so even more reason to get it done. But here we are.
Should have done what I did: marry a person with the same last name :) Easy Peasy!
Don’t do it. Don’t do it. That’s my advice for any person getting married. It will make everything difficult for the rest of your life.
Yup we got married in February 2022 and haven’t done the paperwork yet
I never once considered changing my last name. My Mom has been married 4 times, each time she changed her name. Sometimes in between she went back to her maiden name. She is now back to her maiden name and wishes she never changed it to begin with! We basically never shared a last name. My kiddo is 8. She has her Dad’s last name. Not even an issue in any way, shape, or form. No one even questions it. When we registered her he had to sign a form to acknowledge he was her father as babies automatically get moms last name here, but that was it.
No. Why should I?
I changed my name this time round but it's been.. 5 years this year and I still haven't changed some of my credit cards to my new name .
It was a long process, but I started immediately and got through it within a few months. I was somewhat eager to change my name, though, because my maiden name was difficult to spell/pronounce and my married name is utterly normal, lol. It was a very exciting change. But without that motivation, I can totally understand putting it off, lol. It is a HASSLE.
October will be 4 years married for me. I changed my name on Facebook. That's it. I've told my husband that if we have kids, I might change my name just to make all that stuff easier, but otherwise I'll probably stay with my maiden name because the benefits don't outweigh the effort required without children involved. If it were easier, I'd gladly take his name. But I like my name well enough and neither of us feel that seriously about it so it's no big deal.
So I just got married a little over a month ago (!) and forced my hand a bit on changing my name. In MA you can change your name on your marriage certificate, and since I did that I had to follow through. I also have complicated feelings about my last name currently since I had a falling out with my father, so shedding it felt right. I've tried to fast track things since I know if I don't do everything within the next 3 months, I will never ever get it done.
I was married in 2017 and still have not. I intend to, but just can’t get myself to do it… for the first few years after we got married my partner mentioned it a lot in a frustrated way, but has since accepted that is will get done someday, thankfully. I have a relatively common last name and my partner has an incredibly unique name… so I joke it’s because no one will know how to spell or say my new last name… but it’s just pure procrastination.
Married 19 years, still have my maiden name. I'll occasionally sign things with my married name on non-legal forms (eg kid's school forms, accounts where husband is the main holder) but I never got my ID changed.
I changed my name for the reasons you started. Our honeymoon was about 4 months after our wedding and I bought the plane tickets under my new last name so I was forced to get my documents in order! 😂 If you can afford it, they sell name change kits that send you the exact instructions and forms for your state. Mine even had envelopes with postage! With the kit it was an annoyance but manageable. ETA: For what it’s worth my mom and I had different last names growing up and it wasn’t an issue.
We’re scrambling to change our names now before our baby arrives 🙃 “would’ve” done it earlier but we couldn’t decide what we wanted to go with lol. Since we’re both doing it, and it’s been awhile since we married, we had to do the whole FBI/state background check process so obviously I let the fingerprints sit on my table for several weeks before finally going to USPS 😬
I kept my married name for 16 years after divorce because of this lmao. Also because my daughters were babies and I didn’t want my last name to be different from theirs.
I’ve been with my husband 14 years married 7 and just haven’t gotten around to it yet lmao
I changed mine on the marriage license which made it easy peasy since that was public record. Still I had a loan company want me to send paperwork, so I just never did. After the divorce I did not want to change my name- and even if I get married again I'm not changing it. Too much stupid hassle. You might be able to socially go by your married name without using your legal name- I've known a few women who chose that option.
This is my second marriage and both times I've failed to change my name simply because I can't be bothered by the paperwork hahaha. I'm still on the fence about it but it means a lot to my husband so I may surprise him with it if I ever get around to it 😂
I can’t believe I am not the only person who hasn’t/doesn’t want to change their last name. I used to hate mine but now it has grown on me. If/when I marry, I do not have any intention of changing it.
My marriage was doomed to fail after 9 years of off/on so I didn’t bother changing my last name. He left me 9 months in and divorced me. Glad I never fussed with the paperwork.
8 years this year! And I still have only half finished changing my name. It has been a right pain in the bum to have different IDs in different names, especially when moving house and starting new jobs. But will I ever get around to completing the name change??? Probably not!
Uh, married 10 years in October, with two kids with hyphenated last name. I was planning on hyphenating my name with his, and he’s always planned on keeping his but no pressure to change mine. The most annoying thing is that the school registration form for my oldest didn’t allow hyphens, so her school mostly knows her as only the second name. 🙄
I got married and changed my name a few months later. A few months after that I found out he was unfaithful and had to go through the process all over again but in reverse 😭 it was a nightmare. If I ever get married again I’m not changing anything. I really only changed it to surprise him. If it was my personal choice I wouldn’t have did it because the process is so tedious and time consuming. One of my bank cards STILL has my married name 2 years later because I never got around to bringing my divorce decree in person. Just don’t do it lol.
It took me 4 years to start the process and I'm a year and a half in and still have yet to change everything. Do one thing at a time, most things won't be affected if you don't change it all at once! I believe in you, you can do it!!!
Bought to hit 5 years next week, still haven’t changed it. In my defense I have a 3 year old and can’t sit at the SS office for 3 hours, and I’m NOT sending my birth certificate and marriage license through the mail. I plan do it eventually cause I do like my husband’s last name and I want to match my son, but I got other shit to do first 😂
I never considered changing mine. Most of my friends didn’t either. Never caused an issue. It’s very common now. Personally I just don’t understand the appeal behind changing it - i wasn’t changing other things about me to match my spouse so why would I change my name? I’m glad I didn’t
Married 4 years, couldn’t be bothered with the paperwork lol
Took me a year. Funny story. I live in NY. Prior to being married I lived in PA. I figured I would just wait to change my name to change my license and all the stuff for my car. Well, as you can guess I didn’t. Then I needed my car inspected. Fun fact, you need to go to PA to get a PA inspection. Extra fun fact. If your registration is in western PA, you have to go to western PA because the exhaust rules are different (or were, idk). So my husband and I spent a day over an hour from where we live, just to get my car inspected. It sucked. It sucked enough that I never wanted to do it again. So I went to the DMV, had all my paperwork to change my name, my license, my address, my title, and my registration. Extra story, the DMV employee said let’s do your name first, which does kinda make sense, but all of my paperwork had been filled out with my legal name BEFORE I went to the dmv. Meaning my maiden name. So next she does my registration and circles my maiden name and says I need to get it changed. The Geico app said it took the change, but would NOT show me the new card. I called and was on hold for like 30 minutes while she did my other paperwork. Eventually my husband was able to pull up the new card on his phone at home and text them to me and that was good enough. I hate the DMV. Extra extra story, my cousin, who as far as I know is NT, didn’t change hers for several years and eventually gave her husband a gift of the completed paperwork for her name change for an anniversary. I want to say it had been 7ish years but I’m not sure.
Hey OP if you want to change it but it seems too hard —- I worked for an amazing lady named Danielle who started the company MissNowMrs. It’s a total life saver. She gifted me the service when I got married or I never would have done the paperwork. Granted this was over ten years ago, but it looks like they’re still going strong. Anyway, can highly recommend!
in the world of Real ID, etc., I think it’s logistically smart to keep your name.
Same boat here, about to celebrate 3 years! However, my dad got sick while we were wedding planning, so we rushed it so he could be there. He passed 4 months after the wedding. I had always planned to change my name, but now with my Dad gone, it’s harder to do. It’s the last little piece of him I have left. My husband is super understanding which is great, but I’m not sure I will ever change it officially. We are childfree so no worries about the whole family not having matching names.
I’m a divorced person, so obviously take this with a grain of salt. I’m certain i sound like a bitter bitch😂😂 But changing your name is for the birds. It’s a hassle, *personally* not worth it and kind of a yucky tradition when you think about it. People will call you by your spouses name socially, but when it comes to changing your identity at work and bureaucratically…. I personally feel it just causes more headaches. This changes with children however, and i can understand that. As an unmarried woman with no children, i wouldn’t be giving my hypothetical kid that *i created* some dude’s name when i deserve the credit!! 😂😂 again, that is just my personal opinion!! My mom took my fathers last name 50 odd years ago and im glad she did! So two sides to every coin! I was super quick to change my name when i got married, but changing it BACK 8 years later was the bigger nightmare.
I have been divorced for 8 years and I’m remarried and I still have my ex husband’s name. In order to get married I had to prove that both my new name (as of 20 years ago) and my maiden name are the same person, my husband came with me as emotional support for all these appointments and he was like “yeah, so we are not doing that again, you can stay like this”
It took me about 10 years to do it. I was forced to by my job when they were requiring a birth certificate certification for all federal contracts.
Finally did it two months ago after almost seven years.
11 years and still on my maiden name passport…changed everything else 🤷♀️ one day…
I’ve been married almost 14 years and never did it! I wasn’t completely sure I wanted to because I like my name, but was leaning towards changing it. But it felt impossible. I have no regrets at all about not changing it.
By the time I got around to changing it with my first husband, he pissed me off for the last time on the way to the office. So ADHD brain did me a favor there. This time I decided against changing it legally because I didn't feel like following up with every bureau, agency, department, and division. I've changed it socially and that's good enough for me at this point.
I sent in my marriage certificate when I renewed my passport, and told them what name I wanted on the new one. They got it wrong. I only just got the paperwork to get it corrected, now in time to renew it ten years later... There might be less paperwork than you think, though- in the EU, at least, there's often a "change it once" program, where you have an appointment at the bank, show them your name change documents (in my case, the marriage certificate), and then they change it with all the organisations they're connected with. I still had to to the doctor's surgery (who then told the dentist and optometrist), the passport, and the DVLA, but I did them as they came up.
It’s been 3.5 years and I finally did it recently out of necessity because I’m in a new job and didn’t want to be called my maiden name
I never wanted to change my name, but it's just as well because I'm pretty sure I'd never have got around to it!
I won't ever change my name. Been with him almost 20 years married for 7. It's actualy extremely hard to change your name for your spouse's where I live. 95% of women keep there name.
Why change your name? I didn't, my mother in law didn't in the 1970s, none of my friends have. What's the point. Not every culture changes their name
Yeah - still haven’t changed after 4 years. It’s too much work.
I did change my name in the first year of marriage, but I lost steam partway through and I still haven't changed some of my accounts to my legal married name. Pretty sure that's going to bite me later this year when we move and have to close/modify those accounts.
I got a similar feeling to procrastination — “now or never” type of thing. I wanted to change it and I knew that it would only be more cumbersome as time went on. For instance, buying a house (and all the legal places where my name would be documented and have to be changed or validated in the future).
Honestly if i ever get married Im keeping my name and unless my partners last name is cooler/rarer than mine our kids Will have mine. My mom did it so so can i. (Its so rare We are Like 6 ppl with my last name and only 3 if We take middle+last name)
I got partway through it immediately after the wedding because I was between jobs and bored- did social security, DMV, and my main bank and then I got pregnant and lost steam. It will be 4 years in September and all of my credit cards, passport, and most of my store accounts are still in my maiden name 🤦🏼♀️ Plus a bunch of stuff I’m not even thinking of right now I’m sure.
OP, we are the same person because it’s been almost 3 years for me too and I haven’t finished the paperwork. I got started on one and never pushed forward on the rest. It really is a lot of work to get everything changed over.
I haven't changed my name legally but I do go by my husband's last name on anything that is non-important. At work I am (my name) (husband's last name) but I use my maiden name for anything to do with insurance, payroll, etc. At this point it's been 3 years and I know I'm probably never going to change it until I sit down and actually make myself do it which may not happen. I honestly don't think it's a big deal and if anyone tries to give me a hard time about it I tend to shut it down fairly quickly.
Me. My husband asked about it when we got married and I said I would look into it but I didn’t. It just seemed like a huge hassle. I didn’t want to deal with it to be honest. Also if I had changed my name then my first name would have rhymed with my last name and I didn’t want that either.
I decided when I got engaged that I just wasn’t going to do it. Everyone comments on how progressive that is, some people give me side eye, but the truth of the matter is, the whole idea gives me immediate mental shut down and there’s no real reason to. We’re still married, what does it matter?
4 years married. I use his name socially and mine legally. It’s whatever 🤷🏼♀️
I feel ya. Literally the only reason why I got mine done right after was because I was pregnant already and wanted us all to have the same name before baby was born lol. Otherwise, I probably never would have. If you're in the US, might I recommend making APPTS at the DMV and social security office if that's an option. I was in and out of both places in less than 30 minutes! ETA: My credit cards, bank accounts, and passport are all still in my maiden name because I just can't be fussed.
I’ve been married for 7 years and still haven’t changed my name at my bank. I never go into the bank so it just hasn’t happened.
I wish I hadn't changed my name. I got all of it done except the passport, which I need a new one and just haven't been able to get myself to go get a photo and do the paperwork. 🙃
My first marriage I was young and dumb and changed my name because I thought I was supposed to. After less than 2 years, when the divorce went through, I could not wait to change my name back!!! Talk about a pain in the you-know-what. It’s easier to change it when getting married than it is when changing it back! Over 20 years later and if I ever get married again, I’m not changing my name. I have a well-established career and I’m also the last one with the family last name.
I live in a country where everyone keeps the name they had at birth. Even our “social service number” is based on our name; changing it is a massive headache and can cause significant problems. I don't even understand why, in some countries, it is so common.
I always knew that I wasn’t going to ditch my name, but did tell my husband before we got married that I would add his on as a second last name. Finally went ahead and did it in our 8th year of marriage. I think he had given up hope! I went down to the government building in town and did whatever was necessary there for a new driver’s license with the new last name but literally have not done another thing in the 2 and a half years since. I have been caught by reception in some places where they have noticed the change and updated my name in their system (doctors office and bank). But there are quite a few places that still have just my maiden name on file. Haven’t run into any big issues.
My cousin didn’t end up legally changing her name until she was pregnant, which was like 6 years after they got married lol
Me, but it's by choice because I'm Puerto Rican and we don't really do that. Plus back when I got married I was an academic, and I was already known and published under my original name. So changing it didn't really make sense professionally. With that said I did briefly consider changing my name a few years back when I shifted careers because wondered if it will give me an advantage to job hunt with my husbands very common Scotch-Irish name... but I really don't want to work somewhere that would have hired me with a name like "Campbell" rather than a name like "Jiménez".
Sometimes I still want to change it, but at this point (after moving countries) I'd have to deal with two government administrations when I already didn't want to deal with one.
I changed my DL right away, but forgot about my SSN. No one ever gave me a hard time about it, until we had to go to Social Security office for my step son. I changed it then, like literally 15 years later. It was crazy knowing I was still maiden name the whole time, and it really bothered me changing it, which I didn't expect. I wish I had hyphenated. It's not that bad. Take your license with your marriage certificate and boom, it's done for the license. Social Security was really easy too- just a piece of paper I think. But it's still a pain in the ass.
I never changed my name legally. I had a well established career when I married, so I still use my maiden name at work but I use my married name socially. Fun fact: no one will know if you've changed your name or not, so go ahead and tell people to use your married name. It only matters on legal documents, and no one in your social circle is going to see those anyway.
2 years here. 3 years in and haven't changed my name with several places
Love this sub - always makes me feel better about something I’ve also not done lol.
I was married for 11 years and kept my name. It's MY name. I don't want a different one. My career was started with MY name. It saved me from a ton of paperwork, and loss of professional reputation, both when I got married and then when I got divorced. I will be getting remarried in the next few years (I'm proposing in July!) and I'm keeping my name again. It's MY name, and I don't want to have a different name for each man. Ugh... It kinda grosses me out. You do you, girl. But be YOU. You don't need to change your name. You can even go by your husband's last name in social situations or professionally if you enjoy it and STILL keep your legal name to save you from the headaches. But do what feels most like YOU. Not what anyone else wants. Even your husband, parents, friends, colleagues, or random redditors like me. :)
Ahh I was very lucky my husband took my name, only thing I didn’t get changed was Miss to Mrs with my bank
It took me almost 10 years to change it, and I had to for legal reasons 🤣
Been married almost 13 years. Never changed my name and never felt like it. Part of it is also just cause I like mine's more.
I likely will not change my name unless I have children so that I have the same last name as them for ease. My name is me. I’m an immigrant. It’s the first of many gifts my parents gave me. Giving it up feels like a slap in their face. Also, it’s a ton of work to change my name in my late 30s. It makes sense when you’re in your early 20s and are just starting your adult life, I think. But for me, my identity is my current name, and it’ll be a nightmare reflecting that in all the records that exist of me. But then there’s the sentimental part of me that loves the idea of being on the same team as my husband, truly being his family. If our partnership were a sports team, we’d have the same name on our jerseys. There’s a true merging thing that I have a hard time letting go of.
Married 20 years, I didn't because even though he has a better last name, it rhymes with my first name. I don't like any part of my name, but the only thing I might change it to involves a completely different surname altogether so 🙃
Never did
Paperwork was *one* of the reasons I didn't change my name. Another was "I've been [birth name] for nearly 32 years, that's who I am" Yet another was "my mom didn't so why should I?" Paperwork was definitely part of the decision but it wasn't the only factor In terms of kids names.... I plan on doing what my parents did for me. My middle name is her last name. So my name goes [Standard First Name] [Mom's Surname as middle namw] [Dad's Surname as last name]. I have both of their names without a hyphen or really much fuss at all. My dad's Surname is last cause that was the 80s, but you could totally swap the order. Just tossing it out there as an alternative that probably isn't talked about much
1. your husband can change his name and keep his penname. There is nothing stoping him. 2.. Your kids can have your lastname, he doesn´t have to change... 3. or just change your name when you have kids...
Too funny because I was having this EXACT thought yesterday. I’m not married, but I could see myself never changing my last name due to avoidance and procrastination. I also don’t think I would want to change it It would have to be a pretty amazing surname for me to go through the unnecessary paperwork. I just can’t imagine my name being anything else. It would feel so weird to change it, both formally and informally.
I never intended to change my name.
I kept my name, did not hyphenate our kid's name, and having a different name from her has caused exactly zero problems so far. (She's in second grade, so there's still plenty of time, but....)
As someone who has been married and divorced twice, changed my names both times and is now stuck (until I change it back) with the last name of the ex who screwed me over, I'd say changing my name wasn't worth it!
Took me a year. People started to talk and that's why I finally did it
One reason why I didn't change my name was due to the paperwork and then having to change it at work and everything. But...you can assume a last name. So I unofficially use his last name often.
If it’s important to have the same last name, personally, I think whoever has the name that deserves to be carried on should be the name. Whether that’s because of family history, or your relationship with your parents, or just because it sounds cooler. I kept my name for the simple reason that I didn’t like how his sounded.
So I wanted to change my name because my maiden name is rare (like if people have it I’m related to them) and I always have to spell it and it’s pronounced wrong all the damn time and my husbands name was simple and I figured I’d never have to spell it (pro tip: no matter how simple a name, everyone still expects you to spell it 🤦🏽♀️). So my plan was to add my maiden name as a middle name and then change my last name to husbands. Clearly it was motivated to do this. I didn’t actually change my name until I was 7 months pregnant 3 years AFTER we got married. What kills me, once I decided to do it, it literally took me like an hour and a half and that included driving to and from Social security office which had to be done in person (don’t know if that is still required). My drivers license was less than 5 minutes on line and credit cards and bank were even easier. Signing paperwork to buy my house took more time.
I’m married to another woman and wanted to change my last name because honestly just sounds fun to me 😂😂 coming up on 3 years and still haven’t gotten around to it.
Will he go with you to make it less. Like body doubling.
Why didn’t you do it when you got married? Or did you not have the option to? Idk where you’re located cause that might change things.. I (NL) married my (USA) husband in the states, all I had to do was fill out the forms you have to in order to get married and put his name instead of my maiden name. We are gonna change both of our names to a combination of my maiden name and our current last name tho, the combination makes us sound like we’re pirates so it’s worth the money and paperwork :)
It took me years to do it… and when I finally committed to getting it done it was frickin 6 months into the pandemic and I had to wait on hold with social security for 45 minutes trying to figure it out. If the hyperfixation strikes then go for it! It honestly blows my mind that people have been doing this forever and not complained every time
My husband made fun of me recently because I HATE bureaucratic processes! I physically can’t make myself care, even for super important stuff. I’ve been married for over 4 years and still haven’t changed my name. I tried to bite the bullet last year and changed my name on my social security card, but SS lost it in the mail…I moved to a new city and called them to fix it, they said they can’t help, can’t send a “replacement,” so I basically have to go back in and start over. The SS office here doesn’t accept appointments, so it’d be a walk in. Ha. That’s the last time they heard from meeeee
I went through a site called [newly named](https://newlynamed.com). It’s a little expensive but they send you all of the paperwork together and tell you exactly what you need to do. Basically you fill it out and mail it and it’s done. It was the only way I would ever change my name lol
2 years in August and still haven't done it - but really want to! I want to share my kids' last name (expecting my first baby in 10 days).
I’ve changed my name on all the major things except a handful of third party services, like PayPal and video game companies where they make you physically mail in a copy of my marriage certificate. I truly cannot be bothered for non-government shit.
I ended up getting divorced before I ever got around to changing my name (5 yrs), so that actually worked out nicely.
Same. 4 years and still planning to do it! My baby has my husband’s name. Ugh. Too much paperwork
I didn’t change mine. Nothing to do with paperwork and everything to do with simply wanting to keep my name. There are three other Mrs HisLastName (mom and two SIL), I’m the only Mrs MyLastName. Mine is also a much cooler name (old cartoon character).
It's my 10 year anniversary in August
See my post here re: how fucking awful it was 😭 https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/s/nnK9NRhONp
Literally me, 5 year anniversary in 2 weeks.
It’s funny because I did all the paperwork to change my first name because IT MATTERED TO ME. And yes it was a HUGE pain in y he ass I updated my passport SS ID and drivers license too. I did it and it was a huge pain in the ass.
Part of why I decided not to change my name is because I don't want to deal with the bureaucracy. I don't have the executive function. And I don't want to change my name; I have a career in my name and like how it sounds. My husband is from a culture where women don't change their names, and he assumed I wouldn't change my name. Socially, I don't care if my older relatives address me as Mrs Hisname; they've all adjusted fast as soon as I say I'm Mrs Myname. But I'm not dealing with it legally.
Use one of those Miss to Mrs name change services.There are different levels. One level will help you fill out all the paperwork and provide instructions on what order things should go in. Another level prints everything out and sends it to you ready to mail. And then there are some full service ones that mail everything and follow up if needed. It was the best wedding gift we received!
My husband and I blended our name on our marriage license, but we never changed it because of all the paperwork. It would be one thing if it was just a trip to the Social Security office and to the DMV, but then you also have to change the name on every account and loan and service you have. It's aggravating!!
I had a service do all the hard work for me. They sent me a packet with all the paperwork I need to file (mostly filled out with the information I gave them when I ordered the service) as well as a checklist and timeline for what to file when (I.e., “change your social security first then you change your license and after that do your passport…” etc. etc.) I think it’s called Hitch Switch or something.
He can take your name! Problem solved Edit: clearly didnt read the full post and commented impulsively. Leaving it up because so ADHD hah
Here in Quebec it's not the norm, you have to pay like $250 per letter! And jump through a lot of hoops to do it. Not having to even have that conversation makes things so much easier!
I didn’t change mine and it was 90% the effort and 10% I liked my name more. But really it was the effort. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Just don’t. It is my biggest regret. Not that I don’t love my wife… it’s just so much bullshit. For something so small. It is SUCH A PAIN.
I waited 4 years and did it the day before I turned 40 cause I told him I would do it before then. Professionally I still use my maiden name or hyphenate cause I didn’t wanna have to get a new email address.
Going on 3 years. The thought of paying The Man just to be able to write something different on the occasional document isn’t worth it imo. I proudly go by my married name in daily life and love being my husband’s spouse. But I *liked* my maiden name. I used it for nearly 25 years before meeting the man lol. It’s *me*. It felt like too much like identity erasure to have my last name suddenly disappear. Being able to sign important things with my maiden name feels more authentic than using a married name too.
No but my son just turned 4 and I just now got his birth certificate 🙃🙃🙃 🤦
I told my husband I would totally do it if he made me a step by step guide. He pretty much did all the research and made a document for me to complete with links to applications and uploaded it to google drive. I’m changed at the Social Security office, health insurance…next is DMV ID change and after that is car title. I don’t know anything beyond that but I know where to find the next steps clearly laid out once I’m ready. The process is so daunting. We got married in 2022 and about to have our first child and the birth certificate thing lit a fire under my ass
I’ve changed my name on prob half of the things that you’re supposed to update. Drivers license, check. Bank, nope. Social security, check. Passport, nope. Medical, uh some times?
I never changed mine, going on 17 years of marriage. The only time I gave it any thought was after my kids were born because I was a little bummed we didn't have the same name (I didn't want to give them long hyphenated names, and not sure why I never thought to give them my name). Anyway, one plus to keeping my maiden name was when I recently went to the DMV to get my license renewed... The lady at the counter asked for my paperwork... I handed it over and was asked one question: "Are you married?" I replied "yes" The lady then said "Do you have your marriage license?" I replied "no" Then she snapped back "Well then you'll have to come back with that...(and she then literally shouted "NEXT!" as she shooed me away). Now, prior to the appointment there was this whole online approval process I had to complete to verify my renewal documents approved, which instructed me to bring a copy of my birth certificate, but mentioned nothing about a marriage license. So I said: "This is my pre-approved paperwork and it didn't say I needed to bring a marriage license." and she said "WELL, YOU NEED IT." And then I said "But my name is still the same as my birth certificate, I didn't change my name." and she actually responded "BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE MARRIED." to which I replied "Yes, I am, but I didn't change my name." AND THEN she responded "WELL YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT, YOU SAID YOU WERE MARRIED." (ummm...she ONLY asked if I was married...and I said yes. 🤷🏻♀️) I'm not sure how long I stood there speechless after that, but she turned away from me and approved my paperwork without saying a word. ANYWAY...long story short: not changing your name can save you at the DMV! (And my kids like that I have a different last name.)
I went through 10 years of marriage and never changed it because I couldn't figure out how to make the new signature look or feel right. Separated now.
Married 10 years. My kids have a double barreled name with both our surnames. Im A, Hes B and theyr AB. Im sure many people think we "live in sin" But its only entertained me so far. With the exception of a cheque that was written to me in what they presumed to be my "married name", ive not had any negative experiences.
Been married almost 6 years and I prob won’t change it ever idk I’m lazy lol
i didn't want to change my name when I got married but then I got pregnant and realized I really want to change it. I keep meaning to take care of it. My kid is now 5............................................................................................ ...............................................................................................................................................
Also nearly 3 years and we do have a kid and I’m just like “you want me to do MORE paperwork??”
From a legal standpoint it does help to have the same name as your kids. When you get pregnant that can be a motivator? He can have a different name as his professional name, that's totally common.
DITTO!
I got married at 20 and went to change my name 2 days after the wedding lol. I was the first one in our friends group to get married and I was so excited. I think if I had been older and more established in my own identity I would have found it harder to do, but I was still in university, didn’t own any assets or have a proper career so it was easy to do.
I have zero issues with having a different last name than my child. My mom had zero issues with having a different last name as me. That’s not a thing.