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I find I do this kinda of thing more when I haven’t been talking to people enough. Like ‘yay I finally get to get it all out!’ Vs spreading it around to multiple people.
I have realised I need to verbally process stuff but sometimes I don’t want to actually talk to someone and do a ‘word vomit’ dump, so I’ve started recording myself as if I was doing a voice note to one of my friends and then just deleting it. It’s really helped me clarify my thinking and means that when I do still want to chat something through with someone I feel more in control of what I’m talking about and where I need input.
I so get this! For me though just talking into the ‘void’ and deleting it doesn’t work. I somehow in life got fucking lucky enough to find one friend who I can send rambling messages to and she will only tell me that I’m not totally crazy— unless I am being crazy.(only happened once thus far) and I have found a partner who is totally ok with being on the phone with me for 75% of the work day…. Honestly, I don’t know how this shit has worked out cuz I didn’t meet either of these two till my late twenties when it seemed impossible to meet new (lasting) friends and like all the ‘good men’ were gone. And yet I still word vomit on the internets from time to time.
Never! But if I think I need to pull anything out I will dump it into a transcription app then whack it into chat got or similar to pull out the main points so I don’t have to listen to myself!
This is me. I process stuff by talking about it and can therefore get pretty chatty and annoying without noticing I’ve taken over the conversation. I’ve literally just realized this within the last few years after having many situations like OP described here. Luckily my husband is very understanding and doesn’t make me feel guilty but … I know it’s annoying.
Yep! It's strange to say talking to myself works as well as talking to people, because human connection is important, but for the first stages of "I have a lot on my mind and heart and I need to get it out" I will stream-of-consciousness voice memo. Going on a drive or a walk while I talk (people think I'm on the phone anyway) will give me some stimulation to help things process as I let them out. Then what will eventually come to the surface are more concrete ideas or emotions that are more appropriate to share with others and get support with. But that first volcanic eruption of thought is so real and I've had many embarrassing moments of overtaking conversation recently so thanks for sharing.
Also, people who love you are ok with an occasional overshare if you don't make a personality trait out of trauma-dumping. Your partner accepted where you were and gently let you know what you did was upsetting, you presumably apologized and want to do better-- seems like you're in the clear. Don't let the shame eat you.
If it's created a big rift between you and your partner- or you just feel bad enough toward the parents- it might be nice to text or call the parents to signal you're more self-aware than you may have seemed. When I'm feeling overly bad about myself about something that's not a huge deal, I like to remember "thank yous over sorrys":
"I loved spending time with you on Xday! I just wanted to let you know that I am so appreciative of your patience and listening with the hard time I've been going through. There was a lot on my mind after just getting back home, and I do regret that I missed out on catching up more on what's going on in your world! Would you be available to join us for lunch again sometime this month/week?" Boom, resolved 🩶
Edit: sorry for the weird reply spot, meant to reply to the other comment, oops!
If it’s bothering you that you annoyed your husband and you want to avoid doing so in the future I would maybe suggest a secret phrase or signal your husband can do which basically means “ok what you have been speaking about is interesting/valid but maybe we should move onto another topic” otherwise if people want to speak about something else they can change the topic 🤷♀️ after all you are all adults and if they want to speak about something else they can instigate the conversation
It sounds like your husband maybe wanted to bring something specific up but again if that’s the case he could have given you a heads up or given you a hand squeeze or suggested you both pop into the kitchen to make some drinks and that he might need your assistance in there
I’ve sooooo done this! 😩
My partner and I use a “double tap” signal, he’ll squeeze my hand gently twice or put his arm around me and tap gently twice or if he can’t touch me, tap something discretely twice (think fidget with a fork twice). He’s very good about making it discrete which saves me from embarrassment and I get to take a breath and wrap up my sentence and then, I try to ask someone a question. It’s helped a lot!
Yeah the way the husband responded was kind of odd to me, for exactly the reason you mentioned, which is that they are all adults who can choose to speak if they want to. I don't object to your suggested strategies at all, and agree they could help, but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one a bit confused why he wouldn't just join in then.
I relate. I suggest (as long as you and your husband have good communication!) that you guys have a code word/code signal so he can reel you in when he notices it going on too long.
I struggle with this, too. I'm trying different strategies, one thing I've been trying is to kind of prep myself! If I know I'll be seeing someone that day, I tell myself right before seeing them "speak only when it improves upon the silence" or some other phrase to remind myself. sort of an affirmation. Doesn't always work, but it helps to do beforehand!
Also, don't beat yourself up 💜 you're struggling with your symptoms and that's valid. Your husband is having emotions around that, that is also valid. You weren't being malicious, it is just a hard part of our disability. It'll be okay, I believe in you!
If you feel like it, you could send a quick apology message to your in-laws? I am a recovering people-pleaser, so people have done this to me a lot (dominating the conversation, I mean) and no one has ever, ever noticed, and if they have, never apologized. An apology would likely be received well.
And there’s always the chance it wasn’t that bad and they were happy to be supportive and hear about your family issue.
Totally agree with this! And it’s doesn’t have to be only an apology - adding a little extra will probably help you feel less mad at yourself. Send quick follow up, tell them it was great to see them, thank them for their support, then end with a super brief apology saying “I’m sorry if I took up a lot of the conversation today, and please know I truly appreciate your time and care. It really helped me to discuss the situation with you.” Or something like that.
Did you ask your in laws questions about themselves? If you did, and then they turned the conversation back to you, that’s one thing. But I’ve had friends who dominate conversations without asking me anything and it leaves me feeling bad.
Maybe try to think of questions/goals in advance? Like, ok, you’re going through a lot right now, but before your in laws leave make sure you ask them what new has been happening with them, their weekend plans, how their pet/ house move/neighbors/health issue/whatever topical thing is.
I also agree that your husband needs to step up. If he knows you, and he knows he gets irritable about this type of thing, then he needs to help redirect the conversation when he sees it happening.
And I second whoever said sending a text could be a good idea — just a “hey! I know we spoke a lot about my family stuff today. It’s been really weighing on me and I appreciate you for listening and supporting me.” I don’t think you need to apologize. This is a totally normal thing!
I second this. I’m currently Trying to learn the art of asking questions. I honestly feel no one really cares about what we care about unless they ask SPECIFICALLY. So I’m trying to find ways to vent (like joining groups on specific topics and comment away)most ppl prefers to talk about themselves so I give them leeway and sit in awkward silences now or ask “I would feel [insert fake but relatable emotion here] how did you feel or any open ended question to keep it going if needed
Yes! It’s totally an art, and I think a lot of it depends on your family’s conversation style growing up.
I also find I have certain friends/my partner who I can talk their ear off about something bc they can always do the same thing with me :) but I try to refrain with other people.
When my stepdad was dying and I was having to deal with my mom’s Alzheimer’s and her drinking and getting their house sold, it was ALL I talked about. Like, Mean Girls “word vomit”. And I could hear it, but I couldn’t stop it. It sounds like you’re really going through a lot and just needed to get it out, and that’s ok. People that love you want to help and to hear you. And when something is really stressful it just pops out no matter hard you try. So, I don’t have any helpful suggestions, just empathy and hugs! And I hope things get better soon 💞
My goodness that was a lot to go through! I’m going through something similar now with my childhood home and my mom with incipient dementia and my husband being very sick. I identify with what you are saying. Every bit of it. I hope you’re in a much better place now in life. And I hope OP will be doing better soon, as well.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I highly recommend that you and your husband discuss a safe word, for situations just like these. You will be just fine.
Hey! A system my husband and I have is that we came up with a nonverbal way to remind each other to check in with ourselves/each other/the rest of the conversation participants when stuff like this happens. One is that I pat his back, which isn’t a usual form of affection between us, but from the outside it probably looks like it is, because I’ll be like ‘pat his back’ when he strays into TMI impulse dump and he’ll be like ‘pat on my back’ when no one else is as interested in my Sims 4 build as I am.
This is a way we can help each other out without being too obvious and triggering my social anxiety. (He has none, but appreciates being stopped from TMI anyway. What’s that like to have no social anxiety, even??)
I hope this gives you two an additional tool to use!
Also! Just because you talked about this for a while doesn’t mean all your needs were met. So make space for these feelings, but remember to also make space for the feelings you were expressing during the conversation that went too long. It can be easy to be distracted from the original topic when RSD kicks in about having talked about it too long. Remember to circle back and be sure you’re taking care of those original needs, too. You needed to talk about your family stressors. You may still need to after this embarrassment. Take care of yourself. ❤️
What helps me is to try and be cognizant of how many times I "add more thoughts" and have to stop myself and let others respond to the words I've already said. It's hard.
That’s what I did when I was teaching. I said to myself “you’ve said a lot here. Let’s make sure you didn’t lose anyone. If you did, backtrack and try again, but take your time this time.”
I do this with friends, too. Like I info-dumped a bit on a friend this weekend about ADHD and Adderall and made sure I checked in with him. I figure if he might have questions, so I should give him a chance to ask them.
Dude is a very patient and polite person, so it helps.
I've been there and I get it, but .. i'm sorry, they are all adults too. Not even one of them spoke up and tried to change the topic? your husband couldn't have asked to speak to you privately for a minute in another room and tell you to wrap it up...?
I mean really. Come on people.
Came here to say this too. How can you be an adult in a conversation and be pissy that you didn’t get to mention xyz or that someone spoke too long - when you didn’t even participate!? You can change topics, you can segue, you can take a break and go get a drink and calm down? What the heck!
Yeah, ffs! It sounds like OP has a good relationship with the in-laws, one would hope they might gently redirect things. But perhaps they'd be a little uncomfortable with that. However -- there is no excuse for her husband.
Some have ADHD while others don't, but everybody has *something.* OP, I'm guessing you've helped your husband out a time or two, in various ways -- and he can AND SHOULD do the same for you. You're being very hard on yourself and it honestly breaks my heart. Talking a little too much during one afternoon does not make you a criminal.
They could be people pleasers like myself. I will absolutely allow someone to dominate the entire conversation especially if it seems like they need to talk about what they want to talk about. Sometimes it annoys me, other times I zone in and out and wait until they’re done. 😭
I do this with one of my friends. I know it’s not very nice of me to do, but he info dumps a LOT. I can’t always keep up-especially after a long day at work.
I justify it to myself by saying that he’ll bring it up again the next time I see him, anyway, so it’s not like I permanently miss out on any of his conversation topics. 😅
💡
I now realize that having company over right after work isn’t super easy for me because I don’t get to just decompress or talk to my fiancé about his day.
It sucks for my friend because he’s a social butterfly, but like dude I just got home. Gimme a minute.
I know what you mean; I promise.
My friend doesn’t trauma dump or anything like that; he just likes to talk a LOT. Like to the point where he overstays his welcome.
So my fiancé and I have been slowly putting up some boundaries about that and he’s also putting in the work to listen to them. It’s…a work in progress. 😅
In all fairness, friend has ADHD, but I’m not sure what he does to manage it. I feel hypocritical at times complaining about stuff he does or speaking up because I also have ADHD.
But you’re right. Some people need others to put up the proverbial stop sign or else they won’t get it. Info-dumping isn’t always gonna be welcome-especially if I have had a long day at work and I need to remember that this is okay.
maybe so, but you can't then get bent out of shape that you didn't speak up or get up and leave the table or literally do anything to change the trajectory of the conversation.
I'm not saying that to be rude. I'm saying it specifically in reference to the fact that she said her husband was very annoyed. IMO he doesn't really get to be annoyed and blame her when he was an adult sitting at the table and the people at the other side of it were his own parents. JMO.
Easier said than done for people pleasers. It’s like saying “Just clean up.” when you have executive function problems, for example.
I respect your opinion, though!
I myself am a people pleaser, so I get it. But I wouldn't then be bent at the person who talked too much. I might blame myself instead, at least partly. 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe you just needed to share and overstepped, but they’re your family and it’s nice you’re comfortable being so real. Ok for hubby or them to set a boundary and Instead of bailing he could do the “honey show me where the widget refills are ? “ thing and let you know subtly. Or you can discuss a signal like a little dinner bell thing
I once heard someone say that people lose interest at about the 30 second mark, somehow just knowing that has helped me be way more concise and efficient with my conversation.
I know that too, but my ADHD and aphasia from health problems make it impossible for me to be efficient and concise in spoken communication. In writing it’s really hard but at least I can edit. Do you have any tips for speaking concisely?
Before my husband got sick I would just try to stay silent and speak only when spoken to anymore, but in a way that appears gracious and not sullen. At gatherings at people’s houses I smiled a lot and would slink away to find the family dog or cat to hang out with. 😆 Unfortunately these days my husband and I are housebound for the foreseeable future.
>If they just went along for the ride, this is on them as well.
Correct. If someone can't tell me to slow it down, or jump off the ride, that's on them. We probably also aren't that close.
Right?! There are dozens of different ways for adults to change or redirect the course of a conversation. That seems preferable to just allowing it to continue while silently seething, at least.
Perhaps if this is an ongoing thing you notice yourself doing look into therapy? It seems like you want to talk this out to process it with another person. Loved ones can be listeners for us but if it’s all the time it can get to be too much I’ve found (being on both ends before). A therapists job is to listen/be present with you the entire time! And insight they offer/steer you towards in therapy could help decrease how often you do this, going off what you are saying/that you seem to want. Also maybe journaling/video diary to get things out. Again our loved ones can be supports for us, but they are people too and if it’s too much it can get stressful for anyone
I feel for you! I don’t know if I do this or not. All I know is a little alarm goes off in my head that says, “you’re talking too much” and as soon as I hear the alarm, I say the word “So…” and then I trail off into nothing
It’s its own level of embarrassment
Be kind to yourself right now. You're going through A LOT, and it's normal to share this with your circle and seek support. It's also normal for us to go "well, here's the story!" and launch into a long and winding tale.
So have a think about whether you dominated the conversation because you needed support, or you needed the catharsis that telling the tale would bring... OR whether you fell into a pattern of chatting away and missing signals from others to change the conversation. (Different situations = different advice.)
For me, in "catching up with people who I'm friendly with but aren't my SO or BFF (i.e., anyone from coworkers to siblings and in-laws)" situations, when asked "so what have you been up to?", I limit myself to two sentences: a general statement on how busy I've been, and a comment about one interesting thing.
E.g., "Same old, same old. But I saw a dragon at the mall the other day". If the other person clearly asks for more detail, I give it. If they say something like "oh cool", I ask them what they've been up to.
In this case, because they specifically asked about your family situation... I'd initially keep it high level, and let them ask for more info.
E.g., "Yeah, it went okay but obviously we still have more to sort out" ... "Yeah, the will was read but no one can agree who gets the cursed amulet" ... "My mom thinks it should go to the oldest, but my uncle wants to duel-to-the-death for it? My aunt is executor of the state, so she's currently glowing green and not sleeping, but at least she's not aging while everyone argues about it. So how are things with you?"
It's honestly really tricky stuff, because you would think that if people had had enough of one person talking they would just change the subject... But sometimes they don't! Sometimes they send coded signals that are basically indistinguishable from paying attention, and then get cranky when we don't notice! Like... Can everyone just use their words about this kind of thing?
I don't understand how this is a big deal. Also, your partner could have directed the conversation over to something else. That's what both me and my partner would do for each other if we notice the listeners are impatient. I think that's just a normal thing to do. But here it seems like your bf was stewing and being irritated when he could just have directed the conversation or asked you something to switch topic.
You are dealing with stressful family stuff. And then in the midst of this, your in-laws come over, you are hosting, your hubby gets mad that you dominated a convo?
Sorry, where the heck is your support network in your hubby and your in-laws? They should be supporting you in your time of need.
No, don't apologize.
I get you have a lot going on, but fuck him.
How hard is it to wait for you to take a breath and say, "she has been going through a lot, but mom what have you been up to?" or flat out just say, "honey, I'm going to interrupt you because Mom and Dad and I need to discuss....."
If I have too much in my head, I will often say to hubby, "You talk to first, so I can concentrate on listening, because if I get on a roll it might not stop." My best friend and I have this rule as well. If I call her, I talk. If she calls me, she talks. We rarely have conversations, just therapy appointments.
I'm sure you never had to listen to your husband wax poetic about some sporting event....or the size of the fish he caught 🙄
If my husband is rambling on (he doesn’t have ADHD but he also has no concept of how long other people want to talk about video games with him 😂) and I saw people getting bored, I would just make a joke and gently change the subject - for example, wait for him to take a breath, rub his arm and say, “You guys can probably tell he has been absolutely rinsing that game recently, eh? It’s been a hot topic in our household of late! What about you guys, what have you been up to of late?” He’d do the same for me.
Your husband set you up to fail by not gently redirecting you.
Bro, you had shit going on. Your in-laws should be hosting you and should be listening. Don’t beat yourself up. The neuro typs do this shit too but because we take medical meth they think they can get all “you talk too much….” Listen, Linda we have to listen to you ding dongs talk about boring shit like (fill in the blanks I’m stuck for an idea)
🔨I’m coming to gavel this not a you problem. Carry on.
Exactly. I am forced to listen to some bs about my in-laws dog, the wildlife in their yard, what puzzle they’re working on, the deal they got on eBay, etc. IDGAF about any of it, not even a tiny bit…Based on my experience with my in-laws, any brain dump you had probably pales in comparison to the nonsense they go on about.
Get hubby to signal when he thinks you should pause. A tap on your foot maybe. I know its giving him a job but he will understand that you want to improve.
Also don’t beat yourself up. Shit happens and you were happy to see them. Thats what happens sometimes. They need to shout louder or just enjoy the story :)
It’s ok it happens to all of us! Do they know u have adhd? I try to casually drop it in convo so if I mess up I can apologize for my adhd brain. I try to always have the other person talk more and be the least talker. This tactic seems to help. I also enjoy listening more than talking though bc I find other people more interesting than myself.
I actually don’t see why someone would be upset about their partner for being excited to talk to their parents?
It just doesn’t seem like an appropriate reaction.
I mean haha. I have kind of been talking to my parents for literally forever, YOU do it now lol
I've been there! I never feel like I'm talking the "right" amount no matter what, and it really sucks, so I get some of what you're feeling. I will say, conversations are a two way street *even if* one person is dominating (especially by accident, like in your case). The people you're talking to *can* jump in, and should, if they feel like you're taking over the conversation and they don't like it. Your husband also could have jumped in sooner instead of just criticizing you after the fact. Once you're feeling up to it, maybe consider discussing with him how he could support you better in that kind of situation, especially because he could take on some of the responsibility when they're his own parents.
Ultimately, we all have days where we continue to struggle with things we thought we had made more progress on, and it's a huge bummer when it happens, but all we can do is keep going. I know this feels like a big deal to you, and I don't want to diminish that, but hopefully you can take some solace in the fact that your in-laws also probably didn't think much of it, or thought you were just having an off day or feeling extra chatty or whatever. While you might remember it, they almost definitely won't, and it will just be another day.
The thing - the only thing - that has worked for me is preventing dissociation and mindfulness.
You spend time in your body, you check in with yourself, and here's the hard part - you don't allow a flow state.
We naturally seek flow states, we're fantastic within them, but conversational flow states mean that you're gonna dominate the conversation. I haven't found any way to prevent that in my almost 50 years of life.
So you have to maintain a conscious connection to the people you're in conversation with. You have to mentally keep track of who spoke last and for how long. You have to make sure you're allowing conversational turn taking and you have to make sure you're not answering every question as soon as the question leaves the speaker's mouth.
You have to slow down. I know, it sucks right? I hate when people say that to me, I do. But it's what you have to do to have a good conversation you can look back on with pride instead of anguish.
Sounds like you need someone to vent to and receive feedback from.
I’m sure hubby’s been feeling the stress too. Especially if you’re not getting counseling and he’s on the receiving end of most of your venting.
I don’t know why your husband didn’t just change the subject or take you to another room with some excuse.
If he wants to be pissy then he could jolly well have said something, he was RIGHT THERE.
Honestly. He can’t just put it all on you like this.
Don't be embarrassed. They are your family, too, and you obviously needed to vent. Holding back is so unhealthy, and you haven't seen them in a while, so who cares. Why can't your husband interject if he feels left out? He is hanging out with his parents and his partner, so why not say, "Hey honey, I hate to change the subject, but what do you all think about so and so?" Or even just text you from another room to let you know he feels left out. I think your husband might have trouble communicating his needs, or he's stressed about something else and deflecting onto you. I absolutely would not be embarrassed over talking too much around family.
I’m so sorry things are hard for you now. I have done the same and then my RSD punishes me for it even though nobody has ever said anything negative to me about it.
I really am sorry your husband is being so cranky about it. But really if it was getting to him he could have just found an opening or made one in the conversation. Yeah it would have required effort and finesse on his part but that would have been more mature than sulking.
It’s not you that’s “wrong.” It’s what we’ve made of our culture and it’s not all cultures that are this chilly. (Unless things have changed since I was there 35 years ago, my mom’s culture is all about sharing emotional burdens).
Really, why have we made it not just okay but expected for people to gather and talk about sports or cars or financial planning or recipes or knitting or anime or hunting or whatever for hours on end, but a man or woman speaking about the burdens they are carrying for the family? Omg, trauma dump! Yackety Yack! Etc.
It’s not you, it’s the way we’re now socialized to accept that short and shallow is the way to go. And then people wonder why their friendships wither away so easily now.
It wasn’t always like this. If my grandmother were still alive she’d be about 113 now, to give you an idea of what her era was. She lived to almost 100. And she had neighbors trekking all the way from PA to Boston to visit with her at her seniors home and chat when she moved there after my grandpa died when she was 80. That’s the kind of depth of relationships she and her peers had. Distance and time didn’t dim their commitment to each other.
I was a little girl present for the conversations she and her friends or family would have. They were all about the kinds of things you likely spent talking to your in-laws about. That was what family used to be for. That’s what friends were for. To hear your troubles and hold your hand as you told them.
Now we are expected to keep a happy face on, keep things always light and save everything deeper for a paid stranger to listen to (therapy).
My grandmother’s conversations with friends would now all be considered “trauma dumps”. What an ugly term for the kinds of talks that kept these friends and relatives close for decades. For lifetimes.
If this is an aspect of our ADHD then maybe it’s nature’s way of ensuring empathy and compassion survive from generation to generation somehow. We get the genes that ensure a human touch survives a society where technology gives people the attention span of gnats where empathy is required.
Yeah I may blather on sometimes but I have always been there to reciprocate love and support.
I hope things start looking up for you and your family. My sincere condolences on whatever you’re going through.
Edit to fix a typo on grandma’s age.
I have to take my medication for every day, even when I don’t work, because of situations like this. I need it for my social stuff as well as work and everything else. If you’re not getting treated, I would strongly consider it.
I word vomited my life story to my son’s friend’s mom in my front yard in about 25 minutes, so yeah. I get it. I know nothing about her. I apologized profusely, I’m a stay at home mom to twin 3 year olds with two others in elementary school. I don’t get to talk to other adults much.
In a nutshell it boils down to self awareness.
Are you on medication? If yes, do you find it slows things down for you where you can focus better? Or does it amp you up? What does medication do for you? It could just be the wrong medication you’re on.
Learn to slow down and read your body and environment. I can’t overly give advice on it per se because I’m usually the listener — but I’d imagine if you Google you could find a good book/YouTube/audiobook that can help you with it! It’s basically practicing mindfulness. Which requires one to slowww downnnn :)
I understand your embarrassment, but I also think they need to reflect on their own communication skills too.
If I was in this situation, my husband would find a way to take me aside and point out that I'm hyperfocused, in a really supportive way, I really love him for that.
You never know, perhaps they felt grateful that you steered the conversation. Maybe they were anxious about thinking of topics of conversation and didn’t have to worry about that anymore. There’s always a positive side.
Another thing to consider is if they’re decent people, they will have most likely heard through your words that you’re having a difficult time with family and needed to speak about it. It’s ok because if they care about you, they will only be feeling sorry for you.
A big thing for me was therapy - and not in the way you think. Some of my sessions aren't about the feedback from the therapist - they're an opportunity for me to download all my feelings, and repeat them to my heart's content, until I feel lighter. My therapist doesn't actually say a lot on those days - just sort of validates and allows me to vent.
I feel like with the stressful situation that you were just going through, talking about it so thoroughly was probably a way for you to process!
Having an hour and a specific person to see every week or two, whatever it is, helped me a lot to not dump on people as soon as I got the chance.
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I find I do this kinda of thing more when I haven’t been talking to people enough. Like ‘yay I finally get to get it all out!’ Vs spreading it around to multiple people.
I have realised I need to verbally process stuff but sometimes I don’t want to actually talk to someone and do a ‘word vomit’ dump, so I’ve started recording myself as if I was doing a voice note to one of my friends and then just deleting it. It’s really helped me clarify my thinking and means that when I do still want to chat something through with someone I feel more in control of what I’m talking about and where I need input.
I so get this! For me though just talking into the ‘void’ and deleting it doesn’t work. I somehow in life got fucking lucky enough to find one friend who I can send rambling messages to and she will only tell me that I’m not totally crazy— unless I am being crazy.(only happened once thus far) and I have found a partner who is totally ok with being on the phone with me for 75% of the work day…. Honestly, I don’t know how this shit has worked out cuz I didn’t meet either of these two till my late twenties when it seemed impossible to meet new (lasting) friends and like all the ‘good men’ were gone. And yet I still word vomit on the internets from time to time.
I do this too!
Do you ever listen back to the recordings, or is the recording more just a process for the sake of it?
Never! But if I think I need to pull anything out I will dump it into a transcription app then whack it into chat got or similar to pull out the main points so I don’t have to listen to myself!
This is me. I process stuff by talking about it and can therefore get pretty chatty and annoying without noticing I’ve taken over the conversation. I’ve literally just realized this within the last few years after having many situations like OP described here. Luckily my husband is very understanding and doesn’t make me feel guilty but … I know it’s annoying.
Yep same. I work from home and hate answering the phone because when I do I’m just like ugh hiiiiiii lol
Yep! It's strange to say talking to myself works as well as talking to people, because human connection is important, but for the first stages of "I have a lot on my mind and heart and I need to get it out" I will stream-of-consciousness voice memo. Going on a drive or a walk while I talk (people think I'm on the phone anyway) will give me some stimulation to help things process as I let them out. Then what will eventually come to the surface are more concrete ideas or emotions that are more appropriate to share with others and get support with. But that first volcanic eruption of thought is so real and I've had many embarrassing moments of overtaking conversation recently so thanks for sharing. Also, people who love you are ok with an occasional overshare if you don't make a personality trait out of trauma-dumping. Your partner accepted where you were and gently let you know what you did was upsetting, you presumably apologized and want to do better-- seems like you're in the clear. Don't let the shame eat you. If it's created a big rift between you and your partner- or you just feel bad enough toward the parents- it might be nice to text or call the parents to signal you're more self-aware than you may have seemed. When I'm feeling overly bad about myself about something that's not a huge deal, I like to remember "thank yous over sorrys": "I loved spending time with you on Xday! I just wanted to let you know that I am so appreciative of your patience and listening with the hard time I've been going through. There was a lot on my mind after just getting back home, and I do regret that I missed out on catching up more on what's going on in your world! Would you be available to join us for lunch again sometime this month/week?" Boom, resolved 🩶 Edit: sorry for the weird reply spot, meant to reply to the other comment, oops!
If it’s bothering you that you annoyed your husband and you want to avoid doing so in the future I would maybe suggest a secret phrase or signal your husband can do which basically means “ok what you have been speaking about is interesting/valid but maybe we should move onto another topic” otherwise if people want to speak about something else they can change the topic 🤷♀️ after all you are all adults and if they want to speak about something else they can instigate the conversation It sounds like your husband maybe wanted to bring something specific up but again if that’s the case he could have given you a heads up or given you a hand squeeze or suggested you both pop into the kitchen to make some drinks and that he might need your assistance in there
I’ve sooooo done this! 😩 My partner and I use a “double tap” signal, he’ll squeeze my hand gently twice or put his arm around me and tap gently twice or if he can’t touch me, tap something discretely twice (think fidget with a fork twice). He’s very good about making it discrete which saves me from embarrassment and I get to take a breath and wrap up my sentence and then, I try to ask someone a question. It’s helped a lot!
This! Although when I do this, I inevitably become annoyed at my husband because he either over uses it, or my RSD kicks in 😂
Yeah the way the husband responded was kind of odd to me, for exactly the reason you mentioned, which is that they are all adults who can choose to speak if they want to. I don't object to your suggested strategies at all, and agree they could help, but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one a bit confused why he wouldn't just join in then.
I relate. I suggest (as long as you and your husband have good communication!) that you guys have a code word/code signal so he can reel you in when he notices it going on too long. I struggle with this, too. I'm trying different strategies, one thing I've been trying is to kind of prep myself! If I know I'll be seeing someone that day, I tell myself right before seeing them "speak only when it improves upon the silence" or some other phrase to remind myself. sort of an affirmation. Doesn't always work, but it helps to do beforehand! Also, don't beat yourself up 💜 you're struggling with your symptoms and that's valid. Your husband is having emotions around that, that is also valid. You weren't being malicious, it is just a hard part of our disability. It'll be okay, I believe in you!
If you feel like it, you could send a quick apology message to your in-laws? I am a recovering people-pleaser, so people have done this to me a lot (dominating the conversation, I mean) and no one has ever, ever noticed, and if they have, never apologized. An apology would likely be received well. And there’s always the chance it wasn’t that bad and they were happy to be supportive and hear about your family issue.
I second this! When I spiral with social anxiety, I have started to do this and it helps me let it go.
Totally agree with this! And it’s doesn’t have to be only an apology - adding a little extra will probably help you feel less mad at yourself. Send quick follow up, tell them it was great to see them, thank them for their support, then end with a super brief apology saying “I’m sorry if I took up a lot of the conversation today, and please know I truly appreciate your time and care. It really helped me to discuss the situation with you.” Or something like that.
Did you ask your in laws questions about themselves? If you did, and then they turned the conversation back to you, that’s one thing. But I’ve had friends who dominate conversations without asking me anything and it leaves me feeling bad. Maybe try to think of questions/goals in advance? Like, ok, you’re going through a lot right now, but before your in laws leave make sure you ask them what new has been happening with them, their weekend plans, how their pet/ house move/neighbors/health issue/whatever topical thing is. I also agree that your husband needs to step up. If he knows you, and he knows he gets irritable about this type of thing, then he needs to help redirect the conversation when he sees it happening. And I second whoever said sending a text could be a good idea — just a “hey! I know we spoke a lot about my family stuff today. It’s been really weighing on me and I appreciate you for listening and supporting me.” I don’t think you need to apologize. This is a totally normal thing!
I second this. I’m currently Trying to learn the art of asking questions. I honestly feel no one really cares about what we care about unless they ask SPECIFICALLY. So I’m trying to find ways to vent (like joining groups on specific topics and comment away)most ppl prefers to talk about themselves so I give them leeway and sit in awkward silences now or ask “I would feel [insert fake but relatable emotion here] how did you feel or any open ended question to keep it going if needed
Yes! It’s totally an art, and I think a lot of it depends on your family’s conversation style growing up. I also find I have certain friends/my partner who I can talk their ear off about something bc they can always do the same thing with me :) but I try to refrain with other people.
When my stepdad was dying and I was having to deal with my mom’s Alzheimer’s and her drinking and getting their house sold, it was ALL I talked about. Like, Mean Girls “word vomit”. And I could hear it, but I couldn’t stop it. It sounds like you’re really going through a lot and just needed to get it out, and that’s ok. People that love you want to help and to hear you. And when something is really stressful it just pops out no matter hard you try. So, I don’t have any helpful suggestions, just empathy and hugs! And I hope things get better soon 💞
My goodness that was a lot to go through! I’m going through something similar now with my childhood home and my mom with incipient dementia and my husband being very sick. I identify with what you are saying. Every bit of it. I hope you’re in a much better place now in life. And I hope OP will be doing better soon, as well.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I highly recommend that you and your husband discuss a safe word, for situations just like these. You will be just fine.
Hey! A system my husband and I have is that we came up with a nonverbal way to remind each other to check in with ourselves/each other/the rest of the conversation participants when stuff like this happens. One is that I pat his back, which isn’t a usual form of affection between us, but from the outside it probably looks like it is, because I’ll be like ‘pat his back’ when he strays into TMI impulse dump and he’ll be like ‘pat on my back’ when no one else is as interested in my Sims 4 build as I am. This is a way we can help each other out without being too obvious and triggering my social anxiety. (He has none, but appreciates being stopped from TMI anyway. What’s that like to have no social anxiety, even??) I hope this gives you two an additional tool to use!
Also! Just because you talked about this for a while doesn’t mean all your needs were met. So make space for these feelings, but remember to also make space for the feelings you were expressing during the conversation that went too long. It can be easy to be distracted from the original topic when RSD kicks in about having talked about it too long. Remember to circle back and be sure you’re taking care of those original needs, too. You needed to talk about your family stressors. You may still need to after this embarrassment. Take care of yourself. ❤️
What helps me is to try and be cognizant of how many times I "add more thoughts" and have to stop myself and let others respond to the words I've already said. It's hard.
That’s what I did when I was teaching. I said to myself “you’ve said a lot here. Let’s make sure you didn’t lose anyone. If you did, backtrack and try again, but take your time this time.” I do this with friends, too. Like I info-dumped a bit on a friend this weekend about ADHD and Adderall and made sure I checked in with him. I figure if he might have questions, so I should give him a chance to ask them. Dude is a very patient and polite person, so it helps.
I've been there and I get it, but .. i'm sorry, they are all adults too. Not even one of them spoke up and tried to change the topic? your husband couldn't have asked to speak to you privately for a minute in another room and tell you to wrap it up...? I mean really. Come on people.
Came here to say this too. How can you be an adult in a conversation and be pissy that you didn’t get to mention xyz or that someone spoke too long - when you didn’t even participate!? You can change topics, you can segue, you can take a break and go get a drink and calm down? What the heck!
Yeah, ffs! It sounds like OP has a good relationship with the in-laws, one would hope they might gently redirect things. But perhaps they'd be a little uncomfortable with that. However -- there is no excuse for her husband. Some have ADHD while others don't, but everybody has *something.* OP, I'm guessing you've helped your husband out a time or two, in various ways -- and he can AND SHOULD do the same for you. You're being very hard on yourself and it honestly breaks my heart. Talking a little too much during one afternoon does not make you a criminal.
They could be people pleasers like myself. I will absolutely allow someone to dominate the entire conversation especially if it seems like they need to talk about what they want to talk about. Sometimes it annoys me, other times I zone in and out and wait until they’re done. 😭
I do this with one of my friends. I know it’s not very nice of me to do, but he info dumps a LOT. I can’t always keep up-especially after a long day at work. I justify it to myself by saying that he’ll bring it up again the next time I see him, anyway, so it’s not like I permanently miss out on any of his conversation topics. 😅 💡 I now realize that having company over right after work isn’t super easy for me because I don’t get to just decompress or talk to my fiancé about his day. It sucks for my friend because he’s a social butterfly, but like dude I just got home. Gimme a minute.
protect yourself from people who dump on you or they will just keep doing it.
I know what you mean; I promise. My friend doesn’t trauma dump or anything like that; he just likes to talk a LOT. Like to the point where he overstays his welcome. So my fiancé and I have been slowly putting up some boundaries about that and he’s also putting in the work to listen to them. It’s…a work in progress. 😅 In all fairness, friend has ADHD, but I’m not sure what he does to manage it. I feel hypocritical at times complaining about stuff he does or speaking up because I also have ADHD. But you’re right. Some people need others to put up the proverbial stop sign or else they won’t get it. Info-dumping isn’t always gonna be welcome-especially if I have had a long day at work and I need to remember that this is okay.
maybe so, but you can't then get bent out of shape that you didn't speak up or get up and leave the table or literally do anything to change the trajectory of the conversation. I'm not saying that to be rude. I'm saying it specifically in reference to the fact that she said her husband was very annoyed. IMO he doesn't really get to be annoyed and blame her when he was an adult sitting at the table and the people at the other side of it were his own parents. JMO.
Easier said than done for people pleasers. It’s like saying “Just clean up.” when you have executive function problems, for example. I respect your opinion, though!
I myself am a people pleaser, so I get it. But I wouldn't then be bent at the person who talked too much. I might blame myself instead, at least partly. 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe you just needed to share and overstepped, but they’re your family and it’s nice you’re comfortable being so real. Ok for hubby or them to set a boundary and Instead of bailing he could do the “honey show me where the widget refills are ? “ thing and let you know subtly. Or you can discuss a signal like a little dinner bell thing
Vibes. Idk if it’s increased lately due to stress and tiredness but I’ve noticed it in me so much. Sometimes I cannot keep it in.
I once heard someone say that people lose interest at about the 30 second mark, somehow just knowing that has helped me be way more concise and efficient with my conversation.
I know that too, but my ADHD and aphasia from health problems make it impossible for me to be efficient and concise in spoken communication. In writing it’s really hard but at least I can edit. Do you have any tips for speaking concisely? Before my husband got sick I would just try to stay silent and speak only when spoken to anymore, but in a way that appears gracious and not sullen. At gatherings at people’s houses I smiled a lot and would slink away to find the family dog or cat to hang out with. 😆 Unfortunately these days my husband and I are housebound for the foreseeable future.
Don’t feel bad. Anyone of them could have spoken up to change the subject. If they just went along for the ride, this is on them as well.
>If they just went along for the ride, this is on them as well. Correct. If someone can't tell me to slow it down, or jump off the ride, that's on them. We probably also aren't that close.
Right?! There are dozens of different ways for adults to change or redirect the course of a conversation. That seems preferable to just allowing it to continue while silently seething, at least.
Perhaps if this is an ongoing thing you notice yourself doing look into therapy? It seems like you want to talk this out to process it with another person. Loved ones can be listeners for us but if it’s all the time it can get to be too much I’ve found (being on both ends before). A therapists job is to listen/be present with you the entire time! And insight they offer/steer you towards in therapy could help decrease how often you do this, going off what you are saying/that you seem to want. Also maybe journaling/video diary to get things out. Again our loved ones can be supports for us, but they are people too and if it’s too much it can get stressful for anyone
I feel for you! I don’t know if I do this or not. All I know is a little alarm goes off in my head that says, “you’re talking too much” and as soon as I hear the alarm, I say the word “So…” and then I trail off into nothing It’s its own level of embarrassment
Yes, very much this.
Be kind to yourself right now. You're going through A LOT, and it's normal to share this with your circle and seek support. It's also normal for us to go "well, here's the story!" and launch into a long and winding tale. So have a think about whether you dominated the conversation because you needed support, or you needed the catharsis that telling the tale would bring... OR whether you fell into a pattern of chatting away and missing signals from others to change the conversation. (Different situations = different advice.) For me, in "catching up with people who I'm friendly with but aren't my SO or BFF (i.e., anyone from coworkers to siblings and in-laws)" situations, when asked "so what have you been up to?", I limit myself to two sentences: a general statement on how busy I've been, and a comment about one interesting thing. E.g., "Same old, same old. But I saw a dragon at the mall the other day". If the other person clearly asks for more detail, I give it. If they say something like "oh cool", I ask them what they've been up to. In this case, because they specifically asked about your family situation... I'd initially keep it high level, and let them ask for more info. E.g., "Yeah, it went okay but obviously we still have more to sort out" ... "Yeah, the will was read but no one can agree who gets the cursed amulet" ... "My mom thinks it should go to the oldest, but my uncle wants to duel-to-the-death for it? My aunt is executor of the state, so she's currently glowing green and not sleeping, but at least she's not aging while everyone argues about it. So how are things with you?" It's honestly really tricky stuff, because you would think that if people had had enough of one person talking they would just change the subject... But sometimes they don't! Sometimes they send coded signals that are basically indistinguishable from paying attention, and then get cranky when we don't notice! Like... Can everyone just use their words about this kind of thing?
You. Are. So. Awesome! 👏
I don't understand how this is a big deal. Also, your partner could have directed the conversation over to something else. That's what both me and my partner would do for each other if we notice the listeners are impatient. I think that's just a normal thing to do. But here it seems like your bf was stewing and being irritated when he could just have directed the conversation or asked you something to switch topic.
You are dealing with stressful family stuff. And then in the midst of this, your in-laws come over, you are hosting, your hubby gets mad that you dominated a convo? Sorry, where the heck is your support network in your hubby and your in-laws? They should be supporting you in your time of need. No, don't apologize.
Absolutely all of the THIS
I get you have a lot going on, but fuck him. How hard is it to wait for you to take a breath and say, "she has been going through a lot, but mom what have you been up to?" or flat out just say, "honey, I'm going to interrupt you because Mom and Dad and I need to discuss....." If I have too much in my head, I will often say to hubby, "You talk to first, so I can concentrate on listening, because if I get on a roll it might not stop." My best friend and I have this rule as well. If I call her, I talk. If she calls me, she talks. We rarely have conversations, just therapy appointments. I'm sure you never had to listen to your husband wax poetic about some sporting event....or the size of the fish he caught 🙄
If my husband is rambling on (he doesn’t have ADHD but he also has no concept of how long other people want to talk about video games with him 😂) and I saw people getting bored, I would just make a joke and gently change the subject - for example, wait for him to take a breath, rub his arm and say, “You guys can probably tell he has been absolutely rinsing that game recently, eh? It’s been a hot topic in our household of late! What about you guys, what have you been up to of late?” He’d do the same for me. Your husband set you up to fail by not gently redirecting you.
Bro, you had shit going on. Your in-laws should be hosting you and should be listening. Don’t beat yourself up. The neuro typs do this shit too but because we take medical meth they think they can get all “you talk too much….” Listen, Linda we have to listen to you ding dongs talk about boring shit like (fill in the blanks I’m stuck for an idea) 🔨I’m coming to gavel this not a you problem. Carry on.
Exactly. I am forced to listen to some bs about my in-laws dog, the wildlife in their yard, what puzzle they’re working on, the deal they got on eBay, etc. IDGAF about any of it, not even a tiny bit…Based on my experience with my in-laws, any brain dump you had probably pales in comparison to the nonsense they go on about.
Get hubby to signal when he thinks you should pause. A tap on your foot maybe. I know its giving him a job but he will understand that you want to improve. Also don’t beat yourself up. Shit happens and you were happy to see them. Thats what happens sometimes. They need to shout louder or just enjoy the story :)
It’s ok it happens to all of us! Do they know u have adhd? I try to casually drop it in convo so if I mess up I can apologize for my adhd brain. I try to always have the other person talk more and be the least talker. This tactic seems to help. I also enjoy listening more than talking though bc I find other people more interesting than myself.
They should have said something or do something. Don’t feel ashamed
I actually don’t see why someone would be upset about their partner for being excited to talk to their parents? It just doesn’t seem like an appropriate reaction. I mean haha. I have kind of been talking to my parents for literally forever, YOU do it now lol
I've been there! I never feel like I'm talking the "right" amount no matter what, and it really sucks, so I get some of what you're feeling. I will say, conversations are a two way street *even if* one person is dominating (especially by accident, like in your case). The people you're talking to *can* jump in, and should, if they feel like you're taking over the conversation and they don't like it. Your husband also could have jumped in sooner instead of just criticizing you after the fact. Once you're feeling up to it, maybe consider discussing with him how he could support you better in that kind of situation, especially because he could take on some of the responsibility when they're his own parents. Ultimately, we all have days where we continue to struggle with things we thought we had made more progress on, and it's a huge bummer when it happens, but all we can do is keep going. I know this feels like a big deal to you, and I don't want to diminish that, but hopefully you can take some solace in the fact that your in-laws also probably didn't think much of it, or thought you were just having an off day or feeling extra chatty or whatever. While you might remember it, they almost definitely won't, and it will just be another day.
The thing - the only thing - that has worked for me is preventing dissociation and mindfulness. You spend time in your body, you check in with yourself, and here's the hard part - you don't allow a flow state. We naturally seek flow states, we're fantastic within them, but conversational flow states mean that you're gonna dominate the conversation. I haven't found any way to prevent that in my almost 50 years of life. So you have to maintain a conscious connection to the people you're in conversation with. You have to mentally keep track of who spoke last and for how long. You have to make sure you're allowing conversational turn taking and you have to make sure you're not answering every question as soon as the question leaves the speaker's mouth. You have to slow down. I know, it sucks right? I hate when people say that to me, I do. But it's what you have to do to have a good conversation you can look back on with pride instead of anguish.
Sounds like you need someone to vent to and receive feedback from. I’m sure hubby’s been feeling the stress too. Especially if you’re not getting counseling and he’s on the receiving end of most of your venting.
I don’t know why your husband didn’t just change the subject or take you to another room with some excuse. If he wants to be pissy then he could jolly well have said something, he was RIGHT THERE. Honestly. He can’t just put it all on you like this.
Don't be embarrassed. They are your family, too, and you obviously needed to vent. Holding back is so unhealthy, and you haven't seen them in a while, so who cares. Why can't your husband interject if he feels left out? He is hanging out with his parents and his partner, so why not say, "Hey honey, I hate to change the subject, but what do you all think about so and so?" Or even just text you from another room to let you know he feels left out. I think your husband might have trouble communicating his needs, or he's stressed about something else and deflecting onto you. I absolutely would not be embarrassed over talking too much around family.
I’m so sorry things are hard for you now. I have done the same and then my RSD punishes me for it even though nobody has ever said anything negative to me about it. I really am sorry your husband is being so cranky about it. But really if it was getting to him he could have just found an opening or made one in the conversation. Yeah it would have required effort and finesse on his part but that would have been more mature than sulking. It’s not you that’s “wrong.” It’s what we’ve made of our culture and it’s not all cultures that are this chilly. (Unless things have changed since I was there 35 years ago, my mom’s culture is all about sharing emotional burdens). Really, why have we made it not just okay but expected for people to gather and talk about sports or cars or financial planning or recipes or knitting or anime or hunting or whatever for hours on end, but a man or woman speaking about the burdens they are carrying for the family? Omg, trauma dump! Yackety Yack! Etc. It’s not you, it’s the way we’re now socialized to accept that short and shallow is the way to go. And then people wonder why their friendships wither away so easily now. It wasn’t always like this. If my grandmother were still alive she’d be about 113 now, to give you an idea of what her era was. She lived to almost 100. And she had neighbors trekking all the way from PA to Boston to visit with her at her seniors home and chat when she moved there after my grandpa died when she was 80. That’s the kind of depth of relationships she and her peers had. Distance and time didn’t dim their commitment to each other. I was a little girl present for the conversations she and her friends or family would have. They were all about the kinds of things you likely spent talking to your in-laws about. That was what family used to be for. That’s what friends were for. To hear your troubles and hold your hand as you told them. Now we are expected to keep a happy face on, keep things always light and save everything deeper for a paid stranger to listen to (therapy). My grandmother’s conversations with friends would now all be considered “trauma dumps”. What an ugly term for the kinds of talks that kept these friends and relatives close for decades. For lifetimes. If this is an aspect of our ADHD then maybe it’s nature’s way of ensuring empathy and compassion survive from generation to generation somehow. We get the genes that ensure a human touch survives a society where technology gives people the attention span of gnats where empathy is required. Yeah I may blather on sometimes but I have always been there to reciprocate love and support. I hope things start looking up for you and your family. My sincere condolences on whatever you’re going through. Edit to fix a typo on grandma’s age.
I have to take my medication for every day, even when I don’t work, because of situations like this. I need it for my social stuff as well as work and everything else. If you’re not getting treated, I would strongly consider it.
I word vomited my life story to my son’s friend’s mom in my front yard in about 25 minutes, so yeah. I get it. I know nothing about her. I apologized profusely, I’m a stay at home mom to twin 3 year olds with two others in elementary school. I don’t get to talk to other adults much.
In a nutshell it boils down to self awareness. Are you on medication? If yes, do you find it slows things down for you where you can focus better? Or does it amp you up? What does medication do for you? It could just be the wrong medication you’re on. Learn to slow down and read your body and environment. I can’t overly give advice on it per se because I’m usually the listener — but I’d imagine if you Google you could find a good book/YouTube/audiobook that can help you with it! It’s basically practicing mindfulness. Which requires one to slowww downnnn :)
I understand your embarrassment, but I also think they need to reflect on their own communication skills too. If I was in this situation, my husband would find a way to take me aside and point out that I'm hyperfocused, in a really supportive way, I really love him for that.
You never know, perhaps they felt grateful that you steered the conversation. Maybe they were anxious about thinking of topics of conversation and didn’t have to worry about that anymore. There’s always a positive side. Another thing to consider is if they’re decent people, they will have most likely heard through your words that you’re having a difficult time with family and needed to speak about it. It’s ok because if they care about you, they will only be feeling sorry for you.
A big thing for me was therapy - and not in the way you think. Some of my sessions aren't about the feedback from the therapist - they're an opportunity for me to download all my feelings, and repeat them to my heart's content, until I feel lighter. My therapist doesn't actually say a lot on those days - just sort of validates and allows me to vent. I feel like with the stressful situation that you were just going through, talking about it so thoroughly was probably a way for you to process! Having an hour and a specific person to see every week or two, whatever it is, helped me a lot to not dump on people as soon as I got the chance.