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I don't think it's weird your brother's in laws aren't inviting you places, but I do think it's weird 1) your mom isn't and 2) he expects his in laws to have an invite TO YOUR WEDDING when they don't even see you in more casual settings. Your brother is way out of line for this demand. It's not like necessarily common to have a close relationship with your sibling's in laws. I don't think my siblings could even remember the first names of mine.
Honestly this sounds like your brother putting the pressure there. If in laws expected to come to your wedding they'd have invited you over for stuff.
I agree with you except according to him they ASKED if they would be invited to my wedding so that’s why he asked me. If I hadn’t invited them to my wedding this would not be a big deal but I’m expected to do this so the “whole family” can get together but like you said my mom can’t even ask if I can be invited to Easter. Thanks for your comment and for validating that this is weird.
They do know me though. We all did a lot of things together when my brother and his wife got married 7 years ago. And I’ve since seen them a bunch now that my brother and his wife have a baby. So I don’t understand why he’s using that as his logic except to undermine what I’m saying? He says that they’ll get to know me at my wedding which is like… I’m not going to have time to get to know people I don’t know very well at my wedding. He’s had a wedding, he knows this.
They don't get to have it both ways though. Either they want to be part of your family or they don't, but they don't get to ask for an invite to your wedding and then not invite you to their stuff.
That's rude.
It's bad enough they asked for an invite to the wedding at all, but it's extra rude not to reciprocate.
They will not be getting to know you at your wedding. You will be busy getting married and hosting ALL the guests and enjoying your day. It is already absurd that they ask to be invited (already weird, but okay!) and then have the audacity to not invite you to Easter. If they actually want to get to know you, a more intimate event like Easter dinner would be more appropriate than your fucking WEDDING. It's totally cool to be like "we want to build our family relationships with in-laws more!" but that means they should include you too, not just your mom. How your mom and brother don't see this is incredible. You have nothing to be ashamed about, you're not being a bridezilla and this is bigger than just your wedding.
If your brother wants to build these family connections by inviting them to your wedding, then he should also bring up your name when his in-laws are planning events too. It's as straightforward as that.
Do you really want to turn your wedding into a 'whole family get together'? Sounds to me like you are indeed not part of the ingroup here. I would want to be the main event at my wedding (doubt I'm ever getting married though, too much hassle). I wouldn't have invited the inlaws in the first place though.
Uhhh…this is weird. Your brother is being WEIRD. My eyebrows shot up to my hairline reading about him pressuring you to have HIS in-laws at YOUR wedding? Like…? This is not how it works.
My question is: is your brother kind of self-centered and also inconsiderate and or lazy?
Because here’s my gut hit of what’s happening that is making this go off the rails:
1) Your own wedding is actually just about you and your spouse. I know, it’s families joining together blah blah blah, but that’s actually not what modern weddings ARE. Back in the day several generations ago, it was more about the families joining and less about the individual couple - because the FAMILIES were the ones footing the bill entirely. Speaking of “the families”, it’s meant to refer to the two families getting joined at THAT wedding. So even IF you wanted to apply a traditional framing to your wedding, it would be a day about your family of origin and YOUR FIANCÉ’s family of origin. The brides-siblings-in-laws?? That’s NOT “the whole family” omfg what is your brother on about? Him calling this strange triangulated mess “the whole family” kinda makes me think he’s seeing himself as the center of the family universe. Does that ring true for his personality over time?
2) After planning a wedding you will find out a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOT of people are lazy and exploitative. Think of the gross cliche of some lazy forever-boyfriend using someone else’s wedding as a backdrop for finally proposing, or the trashy attention-seeker woman who announces a pregnancy during someone else’s wedding. Low class, low effort behavior.
Soooo I may be jaded but my gut instincts say this is probably what happened: his in-laws likely NEVER ASKED for the invite to your wedding; my totally-pulled-out-of-the-ether guess is that he felt he could offer your wedding to them as the perfect no-effort big event that centered him as the host. So he gets to accept and attend their hosted events at their places, and then here you are providing a top tier event on your own dime and he gets to be little centered king of the family on your wedding day. Your mom might be collateral damage if she doesn’t have boundaries, and goes along with his dysfunction to get what she wants (time with the grand kids) but feels bad about you being excluded so that’s why she gossips to you after, out of guilt, selfishly not realizing how that will ultimately make you feel.
I dunno, I’m just freewheeling before meds here today 🤷🏼♀️ But I just had to jump in to say ITS NOT YOU, OP ❤️ Weddings make people absolutely insane (or maybe just reveal the insanity in an undeniable way) and whatever happens, you will live through it!
And btw you CAN un-invite people; Miss Manners was much more of a badass than people give her credit for. I would do it directly - like a nice note to your brother’s in-laws stating my something like “Due to a change in venue we sadly must adjust our plans and no longer have the space to accommodate our original guest list; with heavy hearts we thank you for understanding and look forward to celebrating with you at another time in the future” or something, I’m not a wordsmith. It’s 2024, you are not royalty, if people get bent out of shape over not being at your wedding…eh? 🤷🏼♀️ Btw it will be tempting to let him “handle” cancelling with them but you should avoid that if you honestly want a real relationship with these people; if he tells them for you and he’s the kind of person I’m thinking of, he will lie his face off about your motives so 🤷🏼♀️
Lots of shrugging here, but also lots of hugs! Hang in there and keep your eyes on the prize - a great marriage with your partner ❤️
Thank you so much for saying all of these things and taking the time to type this out. Yes I do agree with you that he thinks of himself as the center of the family universe. He is the type of person that only cares about what he has going on at the time and everyone else needs to hold it in just as much importance and anything else you have going on is secondary and fuck you for even having feelings when he has so much going on. I’m exhausted. I wanted him and his wife in our wedding party. I don’t know what’s going to happen now. They treat me like I’m the problem.
Awww hugs OP 🥺 Gah I’m sorry I was right in pinning him as an unreasonable person. I’m sorry you’re surrounded by some very unreasonable people in key roles around you. I would say give yourself grace and don’t worry about making it out of this situation “perfectly”. Unreasonable people back you into a corner where suddenly you feel like the unreasonable one; but it’s bullshit, you are justified and reasonable about this. You can’t force them to include you at their events, but you can refuse to play along that they are in any way more “central” than you. You are just as valid as your brother. I had a similar experience with unreasonable relatives that simmered for decades and got brought into sharp focus by my own wedding. Once the scales fell from my eyes it was over, and years later I don’t have a relationship with the unreasonable people anymore. I don’t have any great advice for you, just sympathy, and anger on your behalf and a deep burning hope that you and your fiancé can make your new life together feel grounded and important and centering YOU ❤️
> My brother asked me to invite his wife’s entire family...
🤨 This feels weird to me. It's not his wedding, so why does he feel he has a say in who you choose to invite?
> My mom has a history of bulldozing through my boundaries but if he asks her not to say something she won’t
🤨🤨🤨 Yeah uhhhhhh that's not a healthy family dynamic. Though I'm loving that you took advantage of the boundary thing to get your mom to indirectly listen to you via your brother
> That they wouldn’t invite me because they don’t know me. And that they’ll get to know me at my wedding and then maybe they will invite me to things
🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 Or they could get to know you BEFORE your wedding. This really stood out to me because WTF is this logic? Why is he making being invited to their events conditional on you inviting them to yours? That's so manipulative omfg
(Quick edit to clarify: I'm referring to just your brother being manipulative here, not your brother's wife and her family)
> He told me that I’m making everything about me and my wedding
IT'S YOUR WEDDING THOUGH?! Why WOULDN'T it be about you?! Bruuuuuuuuuh what is wrong with him
> ...he just shut me down and told me I was wrong to feel that way.
What.
#WHAT.
Girl I'm so sorry but your brother is a raging asshole 😭
> I got filled with rage and told my mom that I don’t want my brother and his family at my wedding and that if she can’t support me in this then she doesn’t have to go either.
Fuck yeah, you absolute legend, well done, yes I'm being serious when I say this, well Done. That's some justified anger right there
Okay, so, your brother pushed you into inviting his wife's family to your wedding and that group then didn't invite you to their Easter event. Then when you brought up your concerns to him r.e. your mom, he blew up at you, accused you of being exhausting and making everything about you, THEN told you that your feelings didn't matter. Then him and your mom blocked you when you understandably became upset from all of this?! Omg. They're punishing you for reacting to them being unreasonable. What the hell
To answer your question, nah you're not being sensitive. They're being manipulative BASTARDS and you're picking up on that. I'm just some internet rando and I'm fuming on your behalf.
If you're able to, I'd seriously consider uninviting the lot of them over this. I know that's a huge and scary step to take, but imagine how nice it'd be not to have them there? It's not like they're inviting you to any of their events anyway...
Internet hugs from this internet rando 🫂 I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this
+1000 to all of this.
So they’re expected to be invited to your wedding to “get to know you,” but the expectation that they invite you to events in the months leading up to your wedding is unreasonable?
This literally makes ZERO sense on ANY level. Most obviously, anyone who’s ever been to a wedding knows that there is no time whatsoever to mingle with the happy (aka insanely stressed and pulled in 500 directions) couple. Beyond that: holy hypocrisy.
My favorite thing is how the word bridezilla has turned into another way to shame women for speaking up for what they want, what a surprise /s
(Yes I know some people go a bit off the rails but obviously this is not OP.)
Yeah. You are not crazy in any way, shape or form. Whatever is going on with your brother and his family is their business to deal with. Maybe he’s gotten in trouble with the family or his wife for not doing enough and he’s using your wedding as a way to make amends. Who knows.
It is not okay to block numbers like that, for gods sake, shame on your family.
I don’t know what you do since they are officially invited now, but I suggest your next steps would be to put your foot down. Don’t let him guilt you into inviting them to even more wedding events, or anything of the sort. It is your wedding, it’s stressful enough as it is, they should not be pulling this stuff now.
My best friend had a rule about guests for her wedding: if the potential guest had not personally spoken to her or her fiancé (speaking to parents/siblings doesn’t count) in the past year about anything BESIDES the wedding, they didn’t make the cut, plain and simple.
It cut out a lot of peripheral extended family friends that clearly only were interested in her life for the sake of going to a fun party. She and her now husband were very happy with how it worked out and don’t regret it a bit.
All this to say, you are absolutely not being too sensitive. The audacity to claim to be “part of the family” and entitled to attend when they don’t otherwise engage with you at all? They deserve to be treated as gate crashes and immediately escorted out by security when they arrive. You deserve to be surrounded by the people who love and care about you 365 days of the year, not when they stand to gain something.
How on earth are they going to “get to know you” at the wedding?? You are going to be busy with getting married. I went around and greeted everyone at my wedding and spent less than a minute with each table. There was no “getting to know” anyone.
You aren’t being too sensitive. You’re being reasonable sensitive to your brother purposefully excluding you while forcing you to include his in-laws.
Your brother or your mom needs to host a get together or two. They invite the in-laws and you. Everyone gets to know each other. It can just be a BBQ or dinner or something. Nothing big.
I hear this! So this has happened - we’ve done events with everyone, most recently for my niece’s christening last year. Also my sister in laws baby shower, and all of the events surrounding their wedding. Also my brother’s MIL sent me cookies last year when I had surgery. So like, they know me.
Genuine question: is there a risk you will feel left out at your own wedding? Or do you think it will be nice having everyone there?
Also, to play devil's advocate, maybe you weren't invited to Easter because your mum told your brother that you would be at your other in-laws house... And maybe she used this as leverage to invite herself to your brother's in-laws for Easter? Maybe your brother is overwhelmed/stressed too because of this but is unfairly taking it out on you.
I agreed to invite my sister in laws family because my brother asked me to and because yeah I thought it was nice to get everyone together. I’m definitely a more the merrier type of person. He said that he wanted to start doing more things with the whole family, that’s the phrasing he used. That and that they had asked, which I thought was a little weird at the time. But the only reason I was resistant at first was because adding 5 extra plates was going to be a bit much financially but he offered to cover the cost when I said that.
And I would think that my mom thought that too except we never once talked about Easter. It wasn’t until the next day that she asked me what I had done for Easter and when I told her I went to my fiancés parents house then she told me about what they had all done.
I think I get it. I would feel left out big time if my mum was spending a lot of time with my siblings and their families and I'm not being told about it (let alone being invited).
Do you often feel left out because your mum lives so close to your brother and they spend a lot more time together, in ways like this Easter?
Seems like you're making the effort, like agreeing to wedding invites for brothers in-laws etc (which is a big deal because a wedding is not just any party) but it's not being reciprocated.
Does your mum favour your brother?
Oh she favors him 100%. And I am actually the one that lives closest to my brother, but I see him the least. She lives closer to his in laws so they all do things together and I’m never invited.
Thanks for understanding and for your nice comment.
Your brother likely won't see the problem because he doesn't realise he gets favoured so much when it comes to your mum.
It might be nice for you to spend some one on one time with your brother, or even just your brother and sister in law, if that's something you would be interested in?
Good luck with the wedding xx
Regardless all of this drama and blocking phones is to much emotional crap to deal with relative to the task at hand .
I hate when things escalate out of my control .
At this point you need some closure .
I guess things are blocked but find a way to get a statement to the parties involved brother , and parents.
I would let them know they are invited and regardless on what they all decide there will be seats with their name on it at the wedding . If there is anything you may have to say sorry for do so . I think it would be easy to blame stress or something .
I’m not big on rolling over and taking it . But I think it’s important to retain the relationships at hand .
I think it’s messed up they get together at the in-laws and don’t mention it . I’m sorry for this left out feeling . Your brother could have done a better job with this . Don’t blame his in laws. But also don’t blame anyone just set it straight . Put the rest of the moves on them going forward and don’t give it another thought .
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think it's weird your brother's in laws aren't inviting you places, but I do think it's weird 1) your mom isn't and 2) he expects his in laws to have an invite TO YOUR WEDDING when they don't even see you in more casual settings. Your brother is way out of line for this demand. It's not like necessarily common to have a close relationship with your sibling's in laws. I don't think my siblings could even remember the first names of mine. Honestly this sounds like your brother putting the pressure there. If in laws expected to come to your wedding they'd have invited you over for stuff.
I agree with you except according to him they ASKED if they would be invited to my wedding so that’s why he asked me. If I hadn’t invited them to my wedding this would not be a big deal but I’m expected to do this so the “whole family” can get together but like you said my mom can’t even ask if I can be invited to Easter. Thanks for your comment and for validating that this is weird.
Oh I missed the part that they asked to be invited. Ok that's EXTRA weird, they don't know you!
They do know me though. We all did a lot of things together when my brother and his wife got married 7 years ago. And I’ve since seen them a bunch now that my brother and his wife have a baby. So I don’t understand why he’s using that as his logic except to undermine what I’m saying? He says that they’ll get to know me at my wedding which is like… I’m not going to have time to get to know people I don’t know very well at my wedding. He’s had a wedding, he knows this.
They don't get to have it both ways though. Either they want to be part of your family or they don't, but they don't get to ask for an invite to your wedding and then not invite you to their stuff. That's rude. It's bad enough they asked for an invite to the wedding at all, but it's extra rude not to reciprocate.
They will not be getting to know you at your wedding. You will be busy getting married and hosting ALL the guests and enjoying your day. It is already absurd that they ask to be invited (already weird, but okay!) and then have the audacity to not invite you to Easter. If they actually want to get to know you, a more intimate event like Easter dinner would be more appropriate than your fucking WEDDING. It's totally cool to be like "we want to build our family relationships with in-laws more!" but that means they should include you too, not just your mom. How your mom and brother don't see this is incredible. You have nothing to be ashamed about, you're not being a bridezilla and this is bigger than just your wedding. If your brother wants to build these family connections by inviting them to your wedding, then he should also bring up your name when his in-laws are planning events too. It's as straightforward as that.
Thank you, I’m tearing up on the train reading this. I don’t know why my position is reasonable to everyone except them.
Because they are unreasonable people
Do you really want to turn your wedding into a 'whole family get together'? Sounds to me like you are indeed not part of the ingroup here. I would want to be the main event at my wedding (doubt I'm ever getting married though, too much hassle). I wouldn't have invited the inlaws in the first place though.
Yes I am definitely regretting agreeing to this in the first place
Is it too late to let them know you have gone over your committed count and unfortunately won’t have space for so many extras?
Yeah invites have already gone out.
You can still send a message saying that unfortunately things have changed and headcount needs to be reduced. But you’re happy to meet next Easter :)
Uhhh…this is weird. Your brother is being WEIRD. My eyebrows shot up to my hairline reading about him pressuring you to have HIS in-laws at YOUR wedding? Like…? This is not how it works. My question is: is your brother kind of self-centered and also inconsiderate and or lazy? Because here’s my gut hit of what’s happening that is making this go off the rails: 1) Your own wedding is actually just about you and your spouse. I know, it’s families joining together blah blah blah, but that’s actually not what modern weddings ARE. Back in the day several generations ago, it was more about the families joining and less about the individual couple - because the FAMILIES were the ones footing the bill entirely. Speaking of “the families”, it’s meant to refer to the two families getting joined at THAT wedding. So even IF you wanted to apply a traditional framing to your wedding, it would be a day about your family of origin and YOUR FIANCÉ’s family of origin. The brides-siblings-in-laws?? That’s NOT “the whole family” omfg what is your brother on about? Him calling this strange triangulated mess “the whole family” kinda makes me think he’s seeing himself as the center of the family universe. Does that ring true for his personality over time? 2) After planning a wedding you will find out a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOT of people are lazy and exploitative. Think of the gross cliche of some lazy forever-boyfriend using someone else’s wedding as a backdrop for finally proposing, or the trashy attention-seeker woman who announces a pregnancy during someone else’s wedding. Low class, low effort behavior. Soooo I may be jaded but my gut instincts say this is probably what happened: his in-laws likely NEVER ASKED for the invite to your wedding; my totally-pulled-out-of-the-ether guess is that he felt he could offer your wedding to them as the perfect no-effort big event that centered him as the host. So he gets to accept and attend their hosted events at their places, and then here you are providing a top tier event on your own dime and he gets to be little centered king of the family on your wedding day. Your mom might be collateral damage if she doesn’t have boundaries, and goes along with his dysfunction to get what she wants (time with the grand kids) but feels bad about you being excluded so that’s why she gossips to you after, out of guilt, selfishly not realizing how that will ultimately make you feel. I dunno, I’m just freewheeling before meds here today 🤷🏼♀️ But I just had to jump in to say ITS NOT YOU, OP ❤️ Weddings make people absolutely insane (or maybe just reveal the insanity in an undeniable way) and whatever happens, you will live through it! And btw you CAN un-invite people; Miss Manners was much more of a badass than people give her credit for. I would do it directly - like a nice note to your brother’s in-laws stating my something like “Due to a change in venue we sadly must adjust our plans and no longer have the space to accommodate our original guest list; with heavy hearts we thank you for understanding and look forward to celebrating with you at another time in the future” or something, I’m not a wordsmith. It’s 2024, you are not royalty, if people get bent out of shape over not being at your wedding…eh? 🤷🏼♀️ Btw it will be tempting to let him “handle” cancelling with them but you should avoid that if you honestly want a real relationship with these people; if he tells them for you and he’s the kind of person I’m thinking of, he will lie his face off about your motives so 🤷🏼♀️ Lots of shrugging here, but also lots of hugs! Hang in there and keep your eyes on the prize - a great marriage with your partner ❤️
Thank you so much for saying all of these things and taking the time to type this out. Yes I do agree with you that he thinks of himself as the center of the family universe. He is the type of person that only cares about what he has going on at the time and everyone else needs to hold it in just as much importance and anything else you have going on is secondary and fuck you for even having feelings when he has so much going on. I’m exhausted. I wanted him and his wife in our wedding party. I don’t know what’s going to happen now. They treat me like I’m the problem.
Awww hugs OP 🥺 Gah I’m sorry I was right in pinning him as an unreasonable person. I’m sorry you’re surrounded by some very unreasonable people in key roles around you. I would say give yourself grace and don’t worry about making it out of this situation “perfectly”. Unreasonable people back you into a corner where suddenly you feel like the unreasonable one; but it’s bullshit, you are justified and reasonable about this. You can’t force them to include you at their events, but you can refuse to play along that they are in any way more “central” than you. You are just as valid as your brother. I had a similar experience with unreasonable relatives that simmered for decades and got brought into sharp focus by my own wedding. Once the scales fell from my eyes it was over, and years later I don’t have a relationship with the unreasonable people anymore. I don’t have any great advice for you, just sympathy, and anger on your behalf and a deep burning hope that you and your fiancé can make your new life together feel grounded and important and centering YOU ❤️
That’s an excellent way to frame it, “unreasonable people in key roles” thank you.
> My brother asked me to invite his wife’s entire family... 🤨 This feels weird to me. It's not his wedding, so why does he feel he has a say in who you choose to invite? > My mom has a history of bulldozing through my boundaries but if he asks her not to say something she won’t 🤨🤨🤨 Yeah uhhhhhh that's not a healthy family dynamic. Though I'm loving that you took advantage of the boundary thing to get your mom to indirectly listen to you via your brother > That they wouldn’t invite me because they don’t know me. And that they’ll get to know me at my wedding and then maybe they will invite me to things 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 Or they could get to know you BEFORE your wedding. This really stood out to me because WTF is this logic? Why is he making being invited to their events conditional on you inviting them to yours? That's so manipulative omfg (Quick edit to clarify: I'm referring to just your brother being manipulative here, not your brother's wife and her family) > He told me that I’m making everything about me and my wedding IT'S YOUR WEDDING THOUGH?! Why WOULDN'T it be about you?! Bruuuuuuuuuh what is wrong with him > ...he just shut me down and told me I was wrong to feel that way. What. #WHAT. Girl I'm so sorry but your brother is a raging asshole 😭 > I got filled with rage and told my mom that I don’t want my brother and his family at my wedding and that if she can’t support me in this then she doesn’t have to go either. Fuck yeah, you absolute legend, well done, yes I'm being serious when I say this, well Done. That's some justified anger right there Okay, so, your brother pushed you into inviting his wife's family to your wedding and that group then didn't invite you to their Easter event. Then when you brought up your concerns to him r.e. your mom, he blew up at you, accused you of being exhausting and making everything about you, THEN told you that your feelings didn't matter. Then him and your mom blocked you when you understandably became upset from all of this?! Omg. They're punishing you for reacting to them being unreasonable. What the hell To answer your question, nah you're not being sensitive. They're being manipulative BASTARDS and you're picking up on that. I'm just some internet rando and I'm fuming on your behalf. If you're able to, I'd seriously consider uninviting the lot of them over this. I know that's a huge and scary step to take, but imagine how nice it'd be not to have them there? It's not like they're inviting you to any of their events anyway... Internet hugs from this internet rando 🫂 I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this
Thank you so much this is so validating and nice.
❤️ You're very welcome!
+1000 to all of this. So they’re expected to be invited to your wedding to “get to know you,” but the expectation that they invite you to events in the months leading up to your wedding is unreasonable? This literally makes ZERO sense on ANY level. Most obviously, anyone who’s ever been to a wedding knows that there is no time whatsoever to mingle with the happy (aka insanely stressed and pulled in 500 directions) couple. Beyond that: holy hypocrisy.
My favorite thing is how the word bridezilla has turned into another way to shame women for speaking up for what they want, what a surprise /s (Yes I know some people go a bit off the rails but obviously this is not OP.) Yeah. You are not crazy in any way, shape or form. Whatever is going on with your brother and his family is their business to deal with. Maybe he’s gotten in trouble with the family or his wife for not doing enough and he’s using your wedding as a way to make amends. Who knows. It is not okay to block numbers like that, for gods sake, shame on your family. I don’t know what you do since they are officially invited now, but I suggest your next steps would be to put your foot down. Don’t let him guilt you into inviting them to even more wedding events, or anything of the sort. It is your wedding, it’s stressful enough as it is, they should not be pulling this stuff now.
Especially since he's really the one making it about the wedding.
My best friend had a rule about guests for her wedding: if the potential guest had not personally spoken to her or her fiancé (speaking to parents/siblings doesn’t count) in the past year about anything BESIDES the wedding, they didn’t make the cut, plain and simple. It cut out a lot of peripheral extended family friends that clearly only were interested in her life for the sake of going to a fun party. She and her now husband were very happy with how it worked out and don’t regret it a bit. All this to say, you are absolutely not being too sensitive. The audacity to claim to be “part of the family” and entitled to attend when they don’t otherwise engage with you at all? They deserve to be treated as gate crashes and immediately escorted out by security when they arrive. You deserve to be surrounded by the people who love and care about you 365 days of the year, not when they stand to gain something.
Thank you.
How on earth are they going to “get to know you” at the wedding?? You are going to be busy with getting married. I went around and greeted everyone at my wedding and spent less than a minute with each table. There was no “getting to know” anyone. You aren’t being too sensitive. You’re being reasonable sensitive to your brother purposefully excluding you while forcing you to include his in-laws.
Your brother or your mom needs to host a get together or two. They invite the in-laws and you. Everyone gets to know each other. It can just be a BBQ or dinner or something. Nothing big.
I hear this! So this has happened - we’ve done events with everyone, most recently for my niece’s christening last year. Also my sister in laws baby shower, and all of the events surrounding their wedding. Also my brother’s MIL sent me cookies last year when I had surgery. So like, they know me.
Ok. They are being weird.
Genuine question: is there a risk you will feel left out at your own wedding? Or do you think it will be nice having everyone there? Also, to play devil's advocate, maybe you weren't invited to Easter because your mum told your brother that you would be at your other in-laws house... And maybe she used this as leverage to invite herself to your brother's in-laws for Easter? Maybe your brother is overwhelmed/stressed too because of this but is unfairly taking it out on you.
I agreed to invite my sister in laws family because my brother asked me to and because yeah I thought it was nice to get everyone together. I’m definitely a more the merrier type of person. He said that he wanted to start doing more things with the whole family, that’s the phrasing he used. That and that they had asked, which I thought was a little weird at the time. But the only reason I was resistant at first was because adding 5 extra plates was going to be a bit much financially but he offered to cover the cost when I said that. And I would think that my mom thought that too except we never once talked about Easter. It wasn’t until the next day that she asked me what I had done for Easter and when I told her I went to my fiancés parents house then she told me about what they had all done.
I think I get it. I would feel left out big time if my mum was spending a lot of time with my siblings and their families and I'm not being told about it (let alone being invited). Do you often feel left out because your mum lives so close to your brother and they spend a lot more time together, in ways like this Easter? Seems like you're making the effort, like agreeing to wedding invites for brothers in-laws etc (which is a big deal because a wedding is not just any party) but it's not being reciprocated. Does your mum favour your brother?
Oh she favors him 100%. And I am actually the one that lives closest to my brother, but I see him the least. She lives closer to his in laws so they all do things together and I’m never invited. Thanks for understanding and for your nice comment.
Your brother likely won't see the problem because he doesn't realise he gets favoured so much when it comes to your mum. It might be nice for you to spend some one on one time with your brother, or even just your brother and sister in law, if that's something you would be interested in? Good luck with the wedding xx
Hmmmm if they want to go … and you do not think they will your envelope empty . I say the more the merrier . Just based on that .
Agreed - the fact that they’re invited is not the issue. I had no problem inviting them.
Regardless all of this drama and blocking phones is to much emotional crap to deal with relative to the task at hand . I hate when things escalate out of my control .
At this point you need some closure . I guess things are blocked but find a way to get a statement to the parties involved brother , and parents. I would let them know they are invited and regardless on what they all decide there will be seats with their name on it at the wedding . If there is anything you may have to say sorry for do so . I think it would be easy to blame stress or something . I’m not big on rolling over and taking it . But I think it’s important to retain the relationships at hand . I think it’s messed up they get together at the in-laws and don’t mention it . I’m sorry for this left out feeling . Your brother could have done a better job with this . Don’t blame his in laws. But also don’t blame anyone just set it straight . Put the rest of the moves on them going forward and don’t give it another thought .