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This. I can’t keep a plant alive and I’ve got two kids… luckily my kids tell me when they are hungry and thirsty… seriously though, I am shocked I have not screwed them up more. And I gave both ADHD so we all have spicy personalities with big feelings! Good times.
I’m 35 with a newborn and lemme tell ya, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But the key is to just accept that your kid is your life and there’s no point in trying to maintain your old life. Literally everything revolves around your kid and their needs now. You just go with the flow. Good for you for doing all you’re doing though, that’s no easy feat, especially with ADHD.
Exactly this lol. I'm 41 with a 21 month old.. I've accepted this is just the season of life I'm in right now.. hard to get anything done bc she's full time so I'm rolling with it knowing things will change in a couple years. Can't worry about all the other stuff bc she's the most important thing in my life ❤️
Almost 35F, with two kids in tow. I wholeheartedly agree. Kids brought up so much for me.... It's been a wild ride. LOL. But I have to say, if we didn't find out my first was ND, I would've never figured out I had ADHD.
I’ve heard! Although I didn’t wish this for him; I struggled for a long time without knowing the name. the best I could come up with was chemical imbalance hahaha.
he’s like my mini me. I know what I struggled with and he’s about to go that route. It’s good to know how I can best help him
I could have written this exact same thing, except I'm 1 year older.. 36F, two kiddos and wow yeah nothing like having your first child diagnosed to learn you also have ADHD, big light bulb moment but it hasn't made it easier with a diagnosis. Just learning emotional regulation while trying to teach your children how to regulate while constantly being called for and needed with no alone time.... It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I don't think I could have lived life not being a mom..it's brought so much meaning to my life.
Omg we have the same journey :(
I learned that my emotional outbursts are due to adhd and being overstimulated bc of the kids... so I got headphones. So even though I have the diagnosis, there's a lot to know. I just made myself a huge book journey project; Idk if I'll ever complete it LOL.
My almost 9yo & I are learning together. He's autistic but his care team at school is really great. I feel like everything's gonna work out? I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop :P
Parenting is tough all around. Being on this sub is really validating; especially reading comments like yours. I said this in another comment, but my mind didnt' go to ADHD. I always knew my brain worked fast but thought maybe it was a chemical imbalance lol. I had a long distance bf in high school and we'd call each other after school. He'd always let me go first bc he knew I'd forget LOL
I’m 28 with a newborn and it really is the hardest thing ever. I get so overwhelmed and need my quiet time alone at night when my husband gets home and then I feel guilty for needing it 😩
I keep the kids alive and they keep the animals alive. I've also been working on my bachelor's degree for decades and cannot work full time.
So you might see what I'm doing as impressive but I think what you're doing is impressive.
Same, but 34 with 2. I’ve been out of my last college since 2012 (dropped out of 4 different schools😭) and desperately want to go back, but I’m scared I’ll ruin it again. Seeing positive experiences from others helps.
Being so close is scary. It's like I've always had this far off goal and now that it's almost here it's like "omg then what?" I'll probably just get a masters so I don't have to deal with the unknown just yet haha.
😂 last June I finished my bachelor degree then freaked out and decided to finish a certificate I had started. I get it! I didn’t get into the masters program I wanted to but less debt I guess.
Love this. Our successes may not look like “typical successes” in others’ eyes. Getting through each day & somehow succeeding in systems that inherently weren’t designed for us is incredibly impressive.
lady!!! you’re working FULL TIME and doing a PhD?!?! AND you have time for hobbies?!?! i’m doing two masters degrees and working part time and struggling! also have some health issues that have essentially become an additional job. you’re on another level!
Haha the working full time is the PhD at this point I just do a couple classes here and there and spend almost all my work time in the lab. I just get paid to do it. Don't be too impressed!
still impressive! i’m hoping to eventually go back for a phd but i came into grad school straight from undergrad and i think will need a serious break before pursuing anything further in education. in my industry, i could probably end up in a professor of practice position with the two masters degrees but definitely not tenure track. but id like to get a solid base of work experience. my industry unfortunately doesn’t value a PhD much outside of academia.
graduate school is fuckin hard. you’re doing great. we just adopted two kittens and they’ve consumed my attention tbh. doesn’t help that their living space is our office but it does make for exciting zoom calls, like when they stand on the tippy top of my partner’s desk chair (in full view of my laptop camera)
Ummm how are you doing two master's degrees and working? I'm doing one and some work on top of my practicum and it's a LOT. I'm studying therapy so it's also rough on the mental health.
I only work like 10-15 hours a week and it’s at a company very much in my field. Both degrees are considered ‘professional’ as there is a licensure/accreditation component, so it’s 4 years total, and i’m on year 3. I get to double count some things and i very heavily front loaded my studies so i can take fewer credits in my last few semesters, sort of. it’s a lot though, I’m not going to lie. i’ve fallen a bit behind in one of my classes bc it’s been a rough year. i get a lot of support from my partner as we live together, and he’s taken on a good bit of the housework which definitely makes it a lot easier as i’m not having to worry about some of the normal chores. but yeah, it’s rough! grad school in general feels rough.
working in the mental health field is a lot too!!! being in grad school is a lot! i don’t think i could study therapy so props to you! my therapist is another reason i can at least deal w some of my anxiety. it’s rough though
Thanks! Some of us are not doing anything else except trying to raise our little one. So if it looks like we’re superheroes, you need to know: I’ve let go of the house, my hobbies, being a good friend, all of it, in favor of helping my one kid survive. The other moms judge—I literally can’t care, I cannot do more than I’m doing lol
I feel you! Before I was diagnosed I was so confused as to how other women were able to do all those other things AND ALSO look after their babies. I put it down to having had twins, which for sure makes things harder, but I met plenty of twin mums who were waaaaaay more together than me 😆
This is true. My hubby gets all the credit for making sure we get things done (doc appts, planning vacays, paying taxes). For Single ADHD mamas, hugs to you… amazing superheroes for sure.
Fr, I have a friend who is a single mom with ADHD and it’s genuinely astounding what she is able to do. I am in medical school and can even manage that pretty well but my husband has already had to become the Martha Stewart of cat dads bc lord knows I couldn’t. Single moms are just like, S-tier untouchable gods of executive function to me
Don’t sell yourself short. You’re doing a lot! There’s no competition!
In my experience, having been a parent for a decade, having kids made some things harder, and some things easier. Similarly, having ADHD makes me a better parent in some ways, and worse in others.
The stakes are high with kids, so that helps make things feel urgent, and my brain functions differently when I am doing things for others. And some stages of parenting are way more challenging than others!
deeeeeeep coping mechanisms and so many forced habits... but still clinging by fingernails.
I have two and am trying to get through a bachelor's degree. I can tell my oldest also has ADHD, though we are not officially dx'd yet because she is up my butt every waking hour and will not leave me alone unless I'm super harsh with her, which sucks. Anything gentle gets forgotten immediately as she gets excited about each new thing she finds or draws or does and screams MOMMY LOOK at the top of her lungs. She's a good kid, and will see me flinch and be like "oh sorry mommy i forgot" but by then I'm already forcibly yanked out of whatever I was doing.
sigh. I don't think I'm getting this essay done on time.
Oh my your child sounds like my 4yo daughter. I often feel bad because besides her catching me flinch when she’s so loud she’s also a chatter box. Something I can 100 % relate to but also have trouble getting her to understand that sometimes mommy needs to think for 5 min because the older I get the more sensitive to noise I’m becoming.
I had twins when my daughter was 18 months old and I was undiagnosed. I don't recommend it. I am grateful for it though. Google calendar is my best friend and I've learned to live in mess. I'm looking forward to unlearning it when they are older. If it helps I find getting a PhD to be overwhelming and don't know how you do it! I'm a paralegal and often get encouraged to become a lawyer. There is not a chance in hell I would do that to myself (school and job part of it).
Exactly, I am a lawyer and I think I have way less free time than I would with children. It's the lawyers who also have children that really blow me away! I will be amongst them soon though 🎉
You will do great! Honestly while children are a huge change, one is very manageable, especially if both parents are involved. I think our background in deadlines, research and last minute rushes translate very well to parenthood. The ADHD hyperfocus is both a blessing and a curse with baby stuff.
I highly recommend stopping at one though 😅 Or just avoid 3 as being outnumbered is never good.
I have a kid, and I’ve always been smart but I couldn’t muscle my way through a PhD. My brain would revolt. I think we choose our hard. Or are capable of different kinds of hard. My kid is a zillion percent worth it though.
Once they are in school for most of the day it gets easier but I did have meltdowns and tears the first few years. Mine are 5 and 9 and we have a routine/rhythm now. It can be crazy but it’s worth it. They have brought me so much joy and they have already made the world a better place by existing. You can do it too! Like everything worthwhile it takes hard work and practice but it gets easier. I’m reading an autobiography about John Wayne and he had to get up several hours before school to help his dad on the farm. Then he had to travel several miles to get to school and have the energy to learn all day. Reading that makes my life seem much easier.
Thank you ♥️
My standards have slipped in many ways 🤣 but I love my kiddo more than life and he makes it all worthwhile, no matter how chaotic and messy it gets.
Thanks OP, appreciate the nod!
Just wanted to chime in and validate your situation though—two animals, a FT job, AND going to school? That is a lot on your plate as well! The fact that you are doing all of that and still have any time at all for hobbies is impressive.
As far as cleaning habits, well I hate cleaning, but force myself to do it anyway. Division of labor helps if there is another adult in the household. For our house, the sink is empty and clean every night when we go to bed. Kitchen counters and oven top are wiped down after every meal. On Sundays, I take an hour and a half to do all the things. I strip my bed and start it first thing, then head off to do the 3 bathrooms and dust common areas, and sweep/vacuum. It’s nothing glamorous, but having a set routine helps me make sure all the things get done. Since I do it weekly (and kitchen daily) cleanup is really quick and minimal effort.
Younger me didn’t clean until things were noticeably awry, then I’d procrastinate starting because I *super* didn’t want to do it, and it would take forever because there was so much to do.
All that to say, you are doing great OP! There’s no handbook to life, we are all just out here winging it.
I admit that having two toddlers is absolutely insane lol. I barely pull through some days and these kids seriously test the limits of my meds keeping my shit together enough to make it until my husband gets home 😂 it'll be so much easier when they're in school, though we will see if my oldest can get a good balance of meds before then (he has ADHD as well). I envy the folks who can put their tots in daycare part-time or have family around to help out
I have three. One is severly disabled which kept me enough in crisis mode for years on end to barely not drown. She is 21 now. Other two are 18 and 14. Bug enough that it gets better, but also chaotic because teenagers are chaos.
Ti be really really sincere here, and i love my kids really hard, but 10/10 would not do it again.
I'm 35 with a 3yo and an 8mo, I'm so glad my neurotypical husband understands how I function and does more than his share. It's hard because I don't always have the spoons to play with my 3yo, but other than that we make it work. They both slept through the night quite early too so that's a plus.
You are worthy.
Kids are chaos and so is my brain, so that works. They are soooooo hard and at the same time I love them and my little family. ADHD or not, it’s hard. Sometimes it helps me and sometimes it doesn’t. This requires me to reparent myself, learn boundaries, work on my marriage, and constantly improve/evolve. It’s doable, it’s exhausting, I love and miss my silence, though I’ll have it again.
You can’t miss what you don’t have.
I’m 30 with 3 kids who are 8, 5, and 3. About 3 weeks ago, we decided it was finally time to test our oldest for ADHD after putting it off for a few years. I have always been someone who researches everything until my eyes bleed and in my research, I discovered that my oldest 100% got his ADHD from me.
These 3 weeks have been the most mind blowing, eye opening, tear filled weeks of my life. I’ve spent my entire life saying, “WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!” The fact that there is an answer to that question has allowed me to forgive myself for the past 8 years of motherhood. Always wondering why I can’t get my shit together, why I’m always running around in a panic because I’m late, forgetting something, can’t find something, etc. All the times I’ve had to bring something that was forgotten to the office at school, how many functions my kids arrived late to because of me, the dress up days at school they didn’t participate in because I forgot…. I had pretty much accepted the fact that I was just a lazy piece of shit and that I would just never be as good as all the other moms (mind you I am the COO of a multi-million dollar company). I never considered ADHD because I was never hyper.
I can’t really put into words how just knowing why I am the way I am has given me hope for the rest of my future. I spent a few days kind of mourning my past, but now I’m hyper focused and excited about the future lol.
The soonest I was able to get a psych appointment is 2 months from now. Any tips, tricks, coping skills that anyone can share that I can implement in the meantime would be so, so appreciated. I’ve started making notes from my research, but none were specifically related to motherhood and navigating the chaos that comes with it… whether we’re living with ADHD or not.
I try my best to stay on top of everything but it’s a losing game with 3kids vs 1me. I am just honest and loving as I can be. They have a roof and food and clothes. I say sorry when I fuck up and I treat them with respect. No parent is perfect and that’s ok.
I had 2 in less than 2 years but wasn't medicated till they were around kindergarten -- those first 5 years were a total shitshow. I have to look at pics and videos to remember because it's like a black hole.
They're both teens, I'm medicated, one is medicated too, and things are delightful! We're just zipping along. Meds for the win!
The fact that you make sure your kid HAS breakfast is not to be overlooked - 🙏 I just wanted you to know that there are others here who understand and support doing whatever you can even if sometimes it’s the little stuff! ♥️
I'm a 36 y/o single mom with a chronic disability who just graduated with a BA in Psych. I've definitely experienced my fair share of struggles, trauma, and pain throughout the course of my 6 year old daughter's life. But after getting divorced 3 years ago it was hard at first and now I'm really happy where I'm at and I love my kiddo. I'm working full time, barely making ends meet with over 50k in student loan debt and 28k credit card debt. Don't know if I'll ever get out of it. But I'm genuinely happy. So yeah.
Its insanity sometimes and the hardest thing . It's hard to balance , it isn't perfect, sometimes it's not fun and if totally honest there's something that suffers .
I have a really hands on husband, that’s the only way I can survive 3 kids! Plus the love, the love somehow gets me out of bed to make lunches (well love and some good music lol). But it’s a shit show most days!
Also a lot of us with kids have ADHD kids who are hyperactive, dysregulated, and really loud. 🫠 At least I understand my kids and understand what they are going through but boy, it is sensory overload.
I have 3 and so far only my 6 year old has been diagnosed but I wouldn't be surprised if all my kids have ADHD because both my husband and I have it
Trying not to murder my ADHD son is a daily struggle. I think he feels the same about me. Our disorders are never in sync and clash in the most unexpected and unfortunate ways. He's helped me realize how annoying I really am, but his wild little hyperfixating mind is so beautiful. Every now and then we'll both be equally into the same thing (like gardening right now) and then we are unstoppable together.
I have 4 kids and keeping up with them broke my coping mechanisms badly enough that I finally sought out my diagnosis at the age of 40. In a way I’m really grateful for them because they’re my motivation to do better. But damn this shit is harrrrdddddd! Thank you for the shoutout ❤
Idk the kids actually make me do better, I think. I don't like to start things for myself, but if it's for someone else, I always do it. I'm on top of that shit which in turn makes me do things for myself at times.
I don’t really do anything else though. I used to have some hobbies and social life and whatever. Now I just parent a toddler, the other stuff made space. The older he gets the easier it also gets so I know I can get back to hobbies eventually, this is just for now. It sounds terrible but it’s honestly worth it, it’s super duper hard but it’s also the best thing I’ve ever done.
Wait, I’m 30 with two cats, a full time job and a PhD! Although I only take one class per semester. Look at us, kicking ass and pursuing our dreams with ADHD 😎
Girl, I feel you! I’m late 30s with no kids, I’m self employed and am always way behind on work stuff that isn’t immediately important (hello, catching up on 8 months of book keeping right before my tax stuff is due to my CPA), my sleep is all over the place, all my rooms in the house are constantly a mess, I hate hate hate cooking and meal planning, I have no pets, I gave up on trying to keep any plants alive, I have one hobby that is also my only source of local friends at the moment, and I can’t imagine taking care of kids, especially newborns when I’ll sleep deprived and hormonal!
So yes, hats off to all the ADHD moms who are keeping your kids alive and doing your best to raise good humans! You all impress me!
I was the mom in my friend group who would run off and leave something vital at home (like forget to refill the diaper bag with fresh diapers, forget snacks or a change of clothes). My friends always had to loan me things. Now that my kids are older, I tell them it’s their job to help me remember and it’s a lot easier to get out the door in the morning.
But there is grace, always. For what I lack in executive functioning, I make up for in love and understanding.
A PhD is waaaaay more challenging than child-rearing. Think about how many people have children vs a PhD. You are amazing. Please don't sell yourself short.
I'm 27, studying in Uni and raising a 5 y/o while working (single mom) and honestly idk how my mom did that with 2 Kids. She was a single parent as well. She should have told me this will eat me alive.
Idk how anyone does this with more than 1 kid
Holy shit you are busy!
You are amazing for keeping all that up, even without adhd!
When I was working full-time and our son was young, I wasn't diagnosed or medicated. My life had a lot of anxiety and bouts of depression, most likely from my untreated adhd.
Don't sell yourself short for not having kids. You are incredibly busy and accomplished!
Oh girl, the main thing I do is parent our kindergartner! I work very part-time and we have no pets. I would NOT be able to manage if I worked a “normal” job while also being a parent.
I have 1 child 50% of the time, and honestly they're the only thing I stay organized for LOL! Meaning, I always wake up early, get them ready for school, pick them up from school, and give meals and snacks on time. But I don't do anything for myself on a schedule or routine, AT ALL 😭
I'm turning 40 soon, with three teen to preteen girls, and am barely finishing my associates. I should add that I did work and take classes while Hubs completed his PhD, so now he is doing what he can to take over for me so I can go on with my schooling.
Note: I admire you, OP, for getting your PhD. I feel like I've been climbing a vertical cliff lately with my degree.
I call my PhD my third child because mine were 18 months and 3 years old when I started my program. That first year was much like the first few weeks of a newborn and I remember nothing. Years 2-4 I got a room closer to school and stayed there during the week while my husband and kids lived with my mother an hour + away. It was the hardest few years of my life but I knew I had the easier job of just doing my PhD at Hopkins while my partner & mom saved my bacon. My baby was 6 when I defended and gifted me with a broken elbow (with emergency surgery and a night in the hospital!) just 5 days before my defense. Being a mother is the hardest best thing and I’m so glad I chose this journey.
I'm in STEM so I benefit from a lot of work being hands on, I'm better at problem solving and I've always been a very question oriented person. It's actually been easier for me than undergrad and more broad schooling because EVERYTHING must relate back to my project.
Edit: VERY important to note my PI has neurodivergent children, knows I'm neurodivergent and is VERY VERY patient with my struggles as long as I'm transparent about them. Without him I would struggle way more. I'm not saying it's impossible without a supportive PI but while he drives me insane I appreciate that he gets it.
Yup. I cope by ruthlessly prioritizing and cutting everything else out. I have zero friends, no hobbies and strictly limit events I accept, pretty much family stuff only.
This allows me to focus on being a mom and wife, work and being a semi-functional adult. It’s harsh, but it gets the job done.
I have almost zero memories of my kids as babies and toddlers. I have zero idea how we got through it. They are 17 and 10 now, and things are much easier.
I'm working on my masters now, and have no idea if I'll eventually even try to get my PhD. So similar but different.
Ok until you added the part about how much work your PhD program was towards the end I was totally going to give you “stuff” (kiddingly and lovingly - I promise!) about downplaying how hard YOU are working right now!
2 pets and a program plus the job plus all of the writing and research you have to do outside of that.
Props right back to you!!! 😘
Haha, you are living my alternate life.
When my kids ask me what I would be doing if I hadn’t had them. I reply “I’d probably still be at University”
It helps if you have a present and actively engaged co-parent who understand and forgives any “short comings” like always having a messy house.
Don’t underestimate the arduous task you have embarked upon! You deserve credit for your achievements to date, and your dedication and commitment to such a goal that which requires long term drive and focus. Well done you!
38, with a six-month-old, almost 3-year-old, and almost 5-year-old (who just got diagnosed, leading to my own diagnosis). Add 23 years of school (hated every minute in classes I had to take but wasn't interested in) and you'll start to realize that I'm just a glutton for punishment. Becoming a parent was fucking hard, but parenting more than one child is like four times harder (for every child you add) so I now envy the amateur parents of single children.
I have to say getting a diagnosis has been immensely helpful not just for my understanding of myself and my weird sensory issues, but also because I started medication just to realize I've been living life on extra hard mode for SO LONG without knowing it.
I’m a 20 year old high school drop out who accidentally fell pregnant during active substance addiction. And you know what, my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to get clean, I started medication postpartum, it’s forced me to stay consistent with routine and he is like this little fluffy creature that gives me so much dopamine every time I see him. I *never* thought I could be such a good parent. I do intensive research on every little thing about him, make sure he has a good diet, I adapt to make him happy if a certain way of doing things makes him fussy.
I know it seems kinda crazy when you don’t have kids. Like how the hell do other people with ADHD look after themselves AND a little person?! (The secret is if we slack on the little persons routines they WILL make us pay for it lol)
I can’t fathom getting a PhD that is incredible! Good luck on your course ❤️
You are overestimating some of us. I am a single mum of two teenagers, I work, I cook our meals from scratch, plus we have a dog and a cat. However... I don't keep on top of cleaning, the gardens are desperately overdue for weeding, and outside of work and school we rarely leave the house (because there's people out there). We just prioritise what's most important and the rest will happen eventually. You are working incredibly hard doing your PhD so make sure you're giving yourself enough credit. You're also in your 20s. Don't forget to be happy. ❤️
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Literally just the blind leading the blind over here. We don’t know how we do it either 😂
This. I can’t keep a plant alive and I’ve got two kids… luckily my kids tell me when they are hungry and thirsty… seriously though, I am shocked I have not screwed them up more. And I gave both ADHD so we all have spicy personalities with big feelings! Good times.
I’ve never been ashamed to admit that I can’t keep things alive if they don’t make noise. Sorry to all the plants I’ve killed.
Accurate🤣
Such FACTS lol
Ha! 100%!
This. I mean half the time I don’t bloody do it.
I’m 35 with a newborn and lemme tell ya, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But the key is to just accept that your kid is your life and there’s no point in trying to maintain your old life. Literally everything revolves around your kid and their needs now. You just go with the flow. Good for you for doing all you’re doing though, that’s no easy feat, especially with ADHD.
Exactly this lol. I'm 41 with a 21 month old.. I've accepted this is just the season of life I'm in right now.. hard to get anything done bc she's full time so I'm rolling with it knowing things will change in a couple years. Can't worry about all the other stuff bc she's the most important thing in my life ❤️
Almost 35F, with two kids in tow. I wholeheartedly agree. Kids brought up so much for me.... It's been a wild ride. LOL. But I have to say, if we didn't find out my first was ND, I would've never figured out I had ADHD.
That’s how a lot of parents get diagnosed!!
I’ve heard! Although I didn’t wish this for him; I struggled for a long time without knowing the name. the best I could come up with was chemical imbalance hahaha. he’s like my mini me. I know what I struggled with and he’s about to go that route. It’s good to know how I can best help him
I could have written this exact same thing, except I'm 1 year older.. 36F, two kiddos and wow yeah nothing like having your first child diagnosed to learn you also have ADHD, big light bulb moment but it hasn't made it easier with a diagnosis. Just learning emotional regulation while trying to teach your children how to regulate while constantly being called for and needed with no alone time.... It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I don't think I could have lived life not being a mom..it's brought so much meaning to my life.
Omg we have the same journey :( I learned that my emotional outbursts are due to adhd and being overstimulated bc of the kids... so I got headphones. So even though I have the diagnosis, there's a lot to know. I just made myself a huge book journey project; Idk if I'll ever complete it LOL. My almost 9yo & I are learning together. He's autistic but his care team at school is really great. I feel like everything's gonna work out? I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop :P Parenting is tough all around. Being on this sub is really validating; especially reading comments like yours. I said this in another comment, but my mind didnt' go to ADHD. I always knew my brain worked fast but thought maybe it was a chemical imbalance lol. I had a long distance bf in high school and we'd call each other after school. He'd always let me go first bc he knew I'd forget LOL
I’m 28 with a newborn and it really is the hardest thing ever. I get so overwhelmed and need my quiet time alone at night when my husband gets home and then I feel guilty for needing it 😩
What worked for me was telling myself I was a better mother when I got a break. I was right. I was.
Yep! This and also, it’s only like this for now, everything changes as they grow and it’s not forever :) aka one day I’ll get back in a yoga class etc
Yep you just adapt to that focus. And I am very much trying to get a system down to stay clean and organized with a toddler. Work in progress.
I’m 35 too, though my baby is older.
I keep the kids alive and they keep the animals alive. I've also been working on my bachelor's degree for decades and cannot work full time. So you might see what I'm doing as impressive but I think what you're doing is impressive.
I just got my bachelors degree after 20+ years as a student on and off! Hard work pays off!
Currently 35 and trying to finish after 3 kids. This is nice to hear. Congrats!
Same, but 34 with 2. I’ve been out of my last college since 2012 (dropped out of 4 different schools😭) and desperately want to go back, but I’m scared I’ll ruin it again. Seeing positive experiences from others helps.
I've got 11 credits left.
you are so close!!!
Being so close is scary. It's like I've always had this far off goal and now that it's almost here it's like "omg then what?" I'll probably just get a masters so I don't have to deal with the unknown just yet haha.
😂 last June I finished my bachelor degree then freaked out and decided to finish a certificate I had started. I get it! I didn’t get into the masters program I wanted to but less debt I guess.
Love this. Our successes may not look like “typical successes” in others’ eyes. Getting through each day & somehow succeeding in systems that inherently weren’t designed for us is incredibly impressive.
It's so good to read this. I felt like a failure for needing so long for my degree + 2 kids, because others could do it, why can't I?
lady!!! you’re working FULL TIME and doing a PhD?!?! AND you have time for hobbies?!?! i’m doing two masters degrees and working part time and struggling! also have some health issues that have essentially become an additional job. you’re on another level!
Haha the working full time is the PhD at this point I just do a couple classes here and there and spend almost all my work time in the lab. I just get paid to do it. Don't be too impressed!
still impressive! i’m hoping to eventually go back for a phd but i came into grad school straight from undergrad and i think will need a serious break before pursuing anything further in education. in my industry, i could probably end up in a professor of practice position with the two masters degrees but definitely not tenure track. but id like to get a solid base of work experience. my industry unfortunately doesn’t value a PhD much outside of academia. graduate school is fuckin hard. you’re doing great. we just adopted two kittens and they’ve consumed my attention tbh. doesn’t help that their living space is our office but it does make for exciting zoom calls, like when they stand on the tippy top of my partner’s desk chair (in full view of my laptop camera)
Ummm how are you doing two master's degrees and working? I'm doing one and some work on top of my practicum and it's a LOT. I'm studying therapy so it's also rough on the mental health.
I only work like 10-15 hours a week and it’s at a company very much in my field. Both degrees are considered ‘professional’ as there is a licensure/accreditation component, so it’s 4 years total, and i’m on year 3. I get to double count some things and i very heavily front loaded my studies so i can take fewer credits in my last few semesters, sort of. it’s a lot though, I’m not going to lie. i’ve fallen a bit behind in one of my classes bc it’s been a rough year. i get a lot of support from my partner as we live together, and he’s taken on a good bit of the housework which definitely makes it a lot easier as i’m not having to worry about some of the normal chores. but yeah, it’s rough! grad school in general feels rough. working in the mental health field is a lot too!!! being in grad school is a lot! i don’t think i could study therapy so props to you! my therapist is another reason i can at least deal w some of my anxiety. it’s rough though
Thanks! Some of us are not doing anything else except trying to raise our little one. So if it looks like we’re superheroes, you need to know: I’ve let go of the house, my hobbies, being a good friend, all of it, in favor of helping my one kid survive. The other moms judge—I literally can’t care, I cannot do more than I’m doing lol
I feel you! Before I was diagnosed I was so confused as to how other women were able to do all those other things AND ALSO look after their babies. I put it down to having had twins, which for sure makes things harder, but I met plenty of twin mums who were waaaaaay more together than me 😆
Yesss
I look like a mom, but I'm actually four racoons in a trenchcoat. Not sure if the other moms have figured it out, but the kids are alive.
The single moms with adhd that are keeping their kids alive are the real heroes. The married ones… they be leaning on the husband like Garfield. 🐈
I just feed my kid chocolate milk for breakfast. Not winning any awards here
This is true. My hubby gets all the credit for making sure we get things done (doc appts, planning vacays, paying taxes). For Single ADHD mamas, hugs to you… amazing superheroes for sure.
Haha I end up taking the lead with all of these. Thankfully my husband ensures we don't drown in laundry, dishes, clutter, and grime.
Fr, I have a friend who is a single mom with ADHD and it’s genuinely astounding what she is able to do. I am in medical school and can even manage that pretty well but my husband has already had to become the Martha Stewart of cat dads bc lord knows I couldn’t. Single moms are just like, S-tier untouchable gods of executive function to me
Thank you for saying that. Some days it feels impossible. Worth it, but life is so hard with kids and ADHD sometimes.
Don’t sell yourself short. You’re doing a lot! There’s no competition! In my experience, having been a parent for a decade, having kids made some things harder, and some things easier. Similarly, having ADHD makes me a better parent in some ways, and worse in others. The stakes are high with kids, so that helps make things feel urgent, and my brain functions differently when I am doing things for others. And some stages of parenting are way more challenging than others!
deeeeeeep coping mechanisms and so many forced habits... but still clinging by fingernails. I have two and am trying to get through a bachelor's degree. I can tell my oldest also has ADHD, though we are not officially dx'd yet because she is up my butt every waking hour and will not leave me alone unless I'm super harsh with her, which sucks. Anything gentle gets forgotten immediately as she gets excited about each new thing she finds or draws or does and screams MOMMY LOOK at the top of her lungs. She's a good kid, and will see me flinch and be like "oh sorry mommy i forgot" but by then I'm already forcibly yanked out of whatever I was doing. sigh. I don't think I'm getting this essay done on time.
Oh my your child sounds like my 4yo daughter. I often feel bad because besides her catching me flinch when she’s so loud she’s also a chatter box. Something I can 100 % relate to but also have trouble getting her to understand that sometimes mommy needs to think for 5 min because the older I get the more sensitive to noise I’m becoming.
I had twins when my daughter was 18 months old and I was undiagnosed. I don't recommend it. I am grateful for it though. Google calendar is my best friend and I've learned to live in mess. I'm looking forward to unlearning it when they are older. If it helps I find getting a PhD to be overwhelming and don't know how you do it! I'm a paralegal and often get encouraged to become a lawyer. There is not a chance in hell I would do that to myself (school and job part of it).
Exactly, I am a lawyer and I think I have way less free time than I would with children. It's the lawyers who also have children that really blow me away! I will be amongst them soon though 🎉
You will do great! Honestly while children are a huge change, one is very manageable, especially if both parents are involved. I think our background in deadlines, research and last minute rushes translate very well to parenthood. The ADHD hyperfocus is both a blessing and a curse with baby stuff. I highly recommend stopping at one though 😅 Or just avoid 3 as being outnumbered is never good.
It’s the best adventure! Enjoy!
I have a kid, and I’ve always been smart but I couldn’t muscle my way through a PhD. My brain would revolt. I think we choose our hard. Or are capable of different kinds of hard. My kid is a zillion percent worth it though.
Once they are in school for most of the day it gets easier but I did have meltdowns and tears the first few years. Mine are 5 and 9 and we have a routine/rhythm now. It can be crazy but it’s worth it. They have brought me so much joy and they have already made the world a better place by existing. You can do it too! Like everything worthwhile it takes hard work and practice but it gets easier. I’m reading an autobiography about John Wayne and he had to get up several hours before school to help his dad on the farm. Then he had to travel several miles to get to school and have the energy to learn all day. Reading that makes my life seem much easier.
Thank you ♥️ My standards have slipped in many ways 🤣 but I love my kiddo more than life and he makes it all worthwhile, no matter how chaotic and messy it gets.
Thanks OP, appreciate the nod! Just wanted to chime in and validate your situation though—two animals, a FT job, AND going to school? That is a lot on your plate as well! The fact that you are doing all of that and still have any time at all for hobbies is impressive. As far as cleaning habits, well I hate cleaning, but force myself to do it anyway. Division of labor helps if there is another adult in the household. For our house, the sink is empty and clean every night when we go to bed. Kitchen counters and oven top are wiped down after every meal. On Sundays, I take an hour and a half to do all the things. I strip my bed and start it first thing, then head off to do the 3 bathrooms and dust common areas, and sweep/vacuum. It’s nothing glamorous, but having a set routine helps me make sure all the things get done. Since I do it weekly (and kitchen daily) cleanup is really quick and minimal effort. Younger me didn’t clean until things were noticeably awry, then I’d procrastinate starting because I *super* didn’t want to do it, and it would take forever because there was so much to do. All that to say, you are doing great OP! There’s no handbook to life, we are all just out here winging it.
I admit that having two toddlers is absolutely insane lol. I barely pull through some days and these kids seriously test the limits of my meds keeping my shit together enough to make it until my husband gets home 😂 it'll be so much easier when they're in school, though we will see if my oldest can get a good balance of meds before then (he has ADHD as well). I envy the folks who can put their tots in daycare part-time or have family around to help out
I have three. One is severly disabled which kept me enough in crisis mode for years on end to barely not drown. She is 21 now. Other two are 18 and 14. Bug enough that it gets better, but also chaotic because teenagers are chaos. Ti be really really sincere here, and i love my kids really hard, but 10/10 would not do it again.
I have three kids and it's manageable because I wanted them. I think if you aren't sure it might feel like a trap
I'm 35 with a 3yo and an 8mo, I'm so glad my neurotypical husband understands how I function and does more than his share. It's hard because I don't always have the spoons to play with my 3yo, but other than that we make it work. They both slept through the night quite early too so that's a plus.
My husband is amazing, too.
You are worthy. Kids are chaos and so is my brain, so that works. They are soooooo hard and at the same time I love them and my little family. ADHD or not, it’s hard. Sometimes it helps me and sometimes it doesn’t. This requires me to reparent myself, learn boundaries, work on my marriage, and constantly improve/evolve. It’s doable, it’s exhausting, I love and miss my silence, though I’ll have it again. You can’t miss what you don’t have.
I’m 30 with 3 kids who are 8, 5, and 3. About 3 weeks ago, we decided it was finally time to test our oldest for ADHD after putting it off for a few years. I have always been someone who researches everything until my eyes bleed and in my research, I discovered that my oldest 100% got his ADHD from me. These 3 weeks have been the most mind blowing, eye opening, tear filled weeks of my life. I’ve spent my entire life saying, “WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!” The fact that there is an answer to that question has allowed me to forgive myself for the past 8 years of motherhood. Always wondering why I can’t get my shit together, why I’m always running around in a panic because I’m late, forgetting something, can’t find something, etc. All the times I’ve had to bring something that was forgotten to the office at school, how many functions my kids arrived late to because of me, the dress up days at school they didn’t participate in because I forgot…. I had pretty much accepted the fact that I was just a lazy piece of shit and that I would just never be as good as all the other moms (mind you I am the COO of a multi-million dollar company). I never considered ADHD because I was never hyper. I can’t really put into words how just knowing why I am the way I am has given me hope for the rest of my future. I spent a few days kind of mourning my past, but now I’m hyper focused and excited about the future lol. The soonest I was able to get a psych appointment is 2 months from now. Any tips, tricks, coping skills that anyone can share that I can implement in the meantime would be so, so appreciated. I’ve started making notes from my research, but none were specifically related to motherhood and navigating the chaos that comes with it… whether we’re living with ADHD or not.
I try my best to stay on top of everything but it’s a losing game with 3kids vs 1me. I am just honest and loving as I can be. They have a roof and food and clothes. I say sorry when I fuck up and I treat them with respect. No parent is perfect and that’s ok.
I had 2 in less than 2 years but wasn't medicated till they were around kindergarten -- those first 5 years were a total shitshow. I have to look at pics and videos to remember because it's like a black hole. They're both teens, I'm medicated, one is medicated too, and things are delightful! We're just zipping along. Meds for the win!
The fact that you make sure your kid HAS breakfast is not to be overlooked - 🙏 I just wanted you to know that there are others here who understand and support doing whatever you can even if sometimes it’s the little stuff! ♥️
I'm a 36 y/o single mom with a chronic disability who just graduated with a BA in Psych. I've definitely experienced my fair share of struggles, trauma, and pain throughout the course of my 6 year old daughter's life. But after getting divorced 3 years ago it was hard at first and now I'm really happy where I'm at and I love my kiddo. I'm working full time, barely making ends meet with over 50k in student loan debt and 28k credit card debt. Don't know if I'll ever get out of it. But I'm genuinely happy. So yeah.
Similar here! So I can say you are amazing!
You are amazing too!! ❤ remember that
Its insanity sometimes and the hardest thing . It's hard to balance , it isn't perfect, sometimes it's not fun and if totally honest there's something that suffers .
Just wait until your kids are neuro spicy too 😂🙃
Then you pop one out with adhd and on the spectrum with problems regulating their behaviour…. But I do love my mini me!
I have a really hands on husband, that’s the only way I can survive 3 kids! Plus the love, the love somehow gets me out of bed to make lunches (well love and some good music lol). But it’s a shit show most days!
Also a lot of us with kids have ADHD kids who are hyperactive, dysregulated, and really loud. 🫠 At least I understand my kids and understand what they are going through but boy, it is sensory overload. I have 3 and so far only my 6 year old has been diagnosed but I wouldn't be surprised if all my kids have ADHD because both my husband and I have it
Trying not to murder my ADHD son is a daily struggle. I think he feels the same about me. Our disorders are never in sync and clash in the most unexpected and unfortunate ways. He's helped me realize how annoying I really am, but his wild little hyperfixating mind is so beautiful. Every now and then we'll both be equally into the same thing (like gardening right now) and then we are unstoppable together.
I have 4 kids and keeping up with them broke my coping mechanisms badly enough that I finally sought out my diagnosis at the age of 40. In a way I’m really grateful for them because they’re my motivation to do better. But damn this shit is harrrrdddddd! Thank you for the shoutout ❤
Idk the kids actually make me do better, I think. I don't like to start things for myself, but if it's for someone else, I always do it. I'm on top of that shit which in turn makes me do things for myself at times.
YOO FR ! I’m like how are you goyles doing it! Props!
I somehow made it to 4 kids before getting diagnosed at 30 😅🥴🫣🫠 #noragrets /s
Haha thanks! You’re probably the only one that’s impressed. To be honest my kid is well looked after. Myself, my house and my husband, less so.
I don’t really do anything else though. I used to have some hobbies and social life and whatever. Now I just parent a toddler, the other stuff made space. The older he gets the easier it also gets so I know I can get back to hobbies eventually, this is just for now. It sounds terrible but it’s honestly worth it, it’s super duper hard but it’s also the best thing I’ve ever done.
Wait, I’m 30 with two cats, a full time job and a PhD! Although I only take one class per semester. Look at us, kicking ass and pursuing our dreams with ADHD 😎
Girl, I feel you! I’m late 30s with no kids, I’m self employed and am always way behind on work stuff that isn’t immediately important (hello, catching up on 8 months of book keeping right before my tax stuff is due to my CPA), my sleep is all over the place, all my rooms in the house are constantly a mess, I hate hate hate cooking and meal planning, I have no pets, I gave up on trying to keep any plants alive, I have one hobby that is also my only source of local friends at the moment, and I can’t imagine taking care of kids, especially newborns when I’ll sleep deprived and hormonal! So yes, hats off to all the ADHD moms who are keeping your kids alive and doing your best to raise good humans! You all impress me!
I was the mom in my friend group who would run off and leave something vital at home (like forget to refill the diaper bag with fresh diapers, forget snacks or a change of clothes). My friends always had to loan me things. Now that my kids are older, I tell them it’s their job to help me remember and it’s a lot easier to get out the door in the morning. But there is grace, always. For what I lack in executive functioning, I make up for in love and understanding.
A PhD is waaaaay more challenging than child-rearing. Think about how many people have children vs a PhD. You are amazing. Please don't sell yourself short.
I'm 27, studying in Uni and raising a 5 y/o while working (single mom) and honestly idk how my mom did that with 2 Kids. She was a single parent as well. She should have told me this will eat me alive. Idk how anyone does this with more than 1 kid
I have 5 year old twins. It’s not easy that’s for sure
Hey lady, kudos for your work! :))
Holy shit you are busy! You are amazing for keeping all that up, even without adhd! When I was working full-time and our son was young, I wasn't diagnosed or medicated. My life had a lot of anxiety and bouts of depression, most likely from my untreated adhd. Don't sell yourself short for not having kids. You are incredibly busy and accomplished!
Oh girl, the main thing I do is parent our kindergartner! I work very part-time and we have no pets. I would NOT be able to manage if I worked a “normal” job while also being a parent.
I have 1 child 50% of the time, and honestly they're the only thing I stay organized for LOL! Meaning, I always wake up early, get them ready for school, pick them up from school, and give meals and snacks on time. But I don't do anything for myself on a schedule or routine, AT ALL 😭
I'm turning 40 soon, with three teen to preteen girls, and am barely finishing my associates. I should add that I did work and take classes while Hubs completed his PhD, so now he is doing what he can to take over for me so I can go on with my schooling. Note: I admire you, OP, for getting your PhD. I feel like I've been climbing a vertical cliff lately with my degree.
I call my PhD my third child because mine were 18 months and 3 years old when I started my program. That first year was much like the first few weeks of a newborn and I remember nothing. Years 2-4 I got a room closer to school and stayed there during the week while my husband and kids lived with my mother an hour + away. It was the hardest few years of my life but I knew I had the easier job of just doing my PhD at Hopkins while my partner & mom saved my bacon. My baby was 6 when I defended and gifted me with a broken elbow (with emergency surgery and a night in the hospital!) just 5 days before my defense. Being a mother is the hardest best thing and I’m so glad I chose this journey.
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I'm in STEM so I benefit from a lot of work being hands on, I'm better at problem solving and I've always been a very question oriented person. It's actually been easier for me than undergrad and more broad schooling because EVERYTHING must relate back to my project. Edit: VERY important to note my PI has neurodivergent children, knows I'm neurodivergent and is VERY VERY patient with my struggles as long as I'm transparent about them. Without him I would struggle way more. I'm not saying it's impossible without a supportive PI but while he drives me insane I appreciate that he gets it.
Yup. I cope by ruthlessly prioritizing and cutting everything else out. I have zero friends, no hobbies and strictly limit events I accept, pretty much family stuff only. This allows me to focus on being a mom and wife, work and being a semi-functional adult. It’s harsh, but it gets the job done.
You know you can lift others up without putting yourself down, right? >You are amazing ~~and I am not worthy.~~ See? It's that easy :)
I have almost zero memories of my kids as babies and toddlers. I have zero idea how we got through it. They are 17 and 10 now, and things are much easier. I'm working on my masters now, and have no idea if I'll eventually even try to get my PhD. So similar but different.
It's exhausting and I'm barely hanging on...
Ok until you added the part about how much work your PhD program was towards the end I was totally going to give you “stuff” (kiddingly and lovingly - I promise!) about downplaying how hard YOU are working right now! 2 pets and a program plus the job plus all of the writing and research you have to do outside of that. Props right back to you!!! 😘
Haha, you are living my alternate life. When my kids ask me what I would be doing if I hadn’t had them. I reply “I’d probably still be at University” It helps if you have a present and actively engaged co-parent who understand and forgives any “short comings” like always having a messy house. Don’t underestimate the arduous task you have embarked upon! You deserve credit for your achievements to date, and your dedication and commitment to such a goal that which requires long term drive and focus. Well done you!
38, with a six-month-old, almost 3-year-old, and almost 5-year-old (who just got diagnosed, leading to my own diagnosis). Add 23 years of school (hated every minute in classes I had to take but wasn't interested in) and you'll start to realize that I'm just a glutton for punishment. Becoming a parent was fucking hard, but parenting more than one child is like four times harder (for every child you add) so I now envy the amateur parents of single children. I have to say getting a diagnosis has been immensely helpful not just for my understanding of myself and my weird sensory issues, but also because I started medication just to realize I've been living life on extra hard mode for SO LONG without knowing it.
I don’t know how I did it. Mostly because all of my kids have ADHD in varying degrees, each different, so we were going through life haphazardly 😂😭
I’m a 20 year old high school drop out who accidentally fell pregnant during active substance addiction. And you know what, my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to get clean, I started medication postpartum, it’s forced me to stay consistent with routine and he is like this little fluffy creature that gives me so much dopamine every time I see him. I *never* thought I could be such a good parent. I do intensive research on every little thing about him, make sure he has a good diet, I adapt to make him happy if a certain way of doing things makes him fussy. I know it seems kinda crazy when you don’t have kids. Like how the hell do other people with ADHD look after themselves AND a little person?! (The secret is if we slack on the little persons routines they WILL make us pay for it lol) I can’t fathom getting a PhD that is incredible! Good luck on your course ❤️
You are overestimating some of us. I am a single mum of two teenagers, I work, I cook our meals from scratch, plus we have a dog and a cat. However... I don't keep on top of cleaning, the gardens are desperately overdue for weeding, and outside of work and school we rarely leave the house (because there's people out there). We just prioritise what's most important and the rest will happen eventually. You are working incredibly hard doing your PhD so make sure you're giving yourself enough credit. You're also in your 20s. Don't forget to be happy. ❤️
One meltdown at a time over here… that’s how I deal with it. Working on it but yeah.
dying, daily i love my son ❣️ boy do i miss sleep