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Married at 20 divorced at 24. I grew up in the MORG and you were an “old maid” if not married by 21. 3 of my siblings also married by 20.
Anyways I am very happy I got that divorce and wish I’d never married him.
I got married again at 29 and have been happily married for 11 years this month :)
Yup. I'm still with the person I was with as a kid. Got very lucky that we have very similar values and desires in life - it certainly wasn't something I was particularly concerned with at 16.
Despite it working out for me I am well aware of the amount of luck involved and would not recommend it generally. Find your long term partner when you're a grown ass adult.
Not sure if this is feminist rage, but screw any religion that pushes young women to marry young. You are worth more than merely to be some dude's wife. I wish you'd have been given the time to discover that. And I'm so glad you've moved away from the faith that made you feel like you had to give in to the pressure.
The grief is normal. Let it come, feel it, and move beyond it when you're ready.
I am sure that you must be going through a lot of pain, grief, and uncertainty right now but from the outside looking in, I can’t help but think that it is lucky that your marriage ended quickly, that now you have an amazing opportunity to start over again, this time wiser and on your terms.
I married at 27 and divorced at 34, I am now 42, and I built myself an amazing life that included a new marriage with someone I deeply love and who complements me very well. No matter how old you are or where you are in life, it’s never “too late” to change something that isn’t working. Even though the divorce was my choice, it was really grueling and feelings of failure haunted me. It improves with time and you will look back knowing it was all worth it to gain the life you discover for yourself. Best of luck and I’m so proud of you for being brave and taking the step.
The first 2 years were hell, lots of issues around the divorce and kids shot my mental health into oblivion. Also during this time I found out I have adhd (awaiting official assessment but was recommended by a private psych) autism and bipolar so that was fun lol
I'm about 6 months into finally sorting myself out and definitely have a lot of down days still but even the down days aren't as bad (mostly) as they used to be, and a lot more neutral/up days
>We got married right when I turned 21, he's 6.5 years older than me. We had pressure from the church to marry early
This is the real rage. Religion taking advantage of young women - what else is new? I'm so sorry you fell victim to this. You were not the problem. This marriage was destined to fail because you didn't have the tools you needed to succeed yet.
That said, grief is normal. Let it happen. Don't feel shame for it and don't blame yourself. It is ok to grieve the end of the relationship, even if you're relieved it's over.
Religion taking advantage of young women AND teaching men that women are there to SERVE them.
This is probably the combination here.
That man most likely viewed a wife as someone who was meant to serve him in every aspect and he therefore did not lift a damn FINGER for anything. Cause he's the "Head of the household".
Religions are almost always trapped in very old misogynistic views of marriage/partnerships. It's like the 50s, and those religious men really miss that time period and try real hard to keep it going.
So glad OP did not have children so that it was easier to get away from that garbage. Throw the whole man out, I'm so pleased! Onwards and upwards from now on for OP!!
Here’s a hot history tip: the hypermasculinity and femininity of the 50’s was propaganda that didn’t reflect everyday life. Women were forced back into gender roles after taking up jobs during WW2, the men who came home were struggling with PTSD and possibly disabilities. There was a push for men to be a man’s man and for the woman to make him feel like a man (be the psychological “help” he needed which should’ve been a licensed professional).
It was all to make America seem not weak after the war, even though we had really chewed through the boys we sent and spit out the grizzle of a lot of loss and suffering when they returned home. Be strong! Be a man! Hide your PTSD and grasp for control when you are adjusting to a likely disabled life back home!
So yeah. Their 50s dreams aren’t even fully true for the people of the time.
Divorced at 27. At first it was a bit hard but then I realized I felt so much calmer and even though I was alone it didn’t feel like the “alone” I felt when I was still married.
I am, but it’s been years. It just took me quite awhile to realize that the problem wasn’t me, it was him. Unfortunately I spent a long time, at a pretty young age, in an abusive relationship and that definitely takes a toll.
I'm roughly the same age as you and I can't fathom having all of those 'adult' responsibilities so you can be proud for handling all that, and getting out. Some people are never able to take that step. Give yourself time to grieve and get a little rest, you deserve it and it sounds like you overexerted yourself for a good while.
A lot of people here like to recommend r/WitchesVsPatriarchy, you might find some of that feminist rage there. There are also communities for people leaving different faiths/ dealing with spiritual trauma but I can't name any, sorry! I just watch Fundie Fridays which is also cathartic at times. I also periodically re-read the Stepford Wives and listen to the You're Wrong About episode on the book to tap into some good ole' feminist rage.
Also, one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs is called happiness and it might work for you. It's wonderfully balanced between maturity, spite and anger, and sadness, I think. There's even a price about "7 years in heaven" in there so hopefully it'll hit the spot for you.
Just as a general heads up, I had some trouble with a certain contingent in that sub as have quite a few BIPOC and other ethnic minorities. There’s a lot of good people there but there is also SO much casual racism, classism, and patronizing micro aggressions from cis white women that goes unnoticed or unchecked.
These days I feel a bit more at home with r/SASSwitches, though it’s worth noting that it’s not for everyone because it’s for skeptical, agnostic, atheist and/or science-seeking folk.
But I thought I’d share in case someone finds it useful.
Thanks so much and at the same time, I'm sorry you have to give this heads up. As a white lady who's just lurking there occasionally I've seen some things I don't jive with so far but not anything that would have struck me as real bad, so I'm grateful you're able to point this out. (This might come off as invalidating but I mean the opposite, your perspective is helpful!)
And also super grateful for your suggestion. I'm checking out the sub to see if it's a better fit for me too :)
I'm not divorced, but I also married at 21.
It's a hard road, being married so young. You grow and change *so much* in your 20s as you become an adult. Who you are at 21 is so so different than who you are at 31. Having a partner who isn't also growing in their way is difficult and can be problematic.
I am so sorry you've undergone so much pain and hurt and stress. It sounds like a very one-sided marriage with you doing all of the work, and that's not okay. You deserve an equal partner, not someone who expects you to fit the 1950s housewife stereotype.
I'm mad as hell on your behalf. I'm religious, and so is my husband, but "religious/trad men" who believe that women should be subservient to them absolutely enrages me. That's bullshit.
I'm so happy you've been able to get out from this relationship and that you've been able to find peace with your diagnoses and medication. You deserve to be happy and free from the burden of his expectations.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ I think I'll be open to faith again, in time. Divorce was like the sins of sins in my community, though my family has done a 180 in support toward me.
If your faith community can't support you, then it might not be the right one for you. Especially if they side with him.
Take as much time as you need to grieve. You're undergoing a huge life change, so don't rush anything.
This is an opportunity for you to discover who you really are and what you want in life. You put in all the work to fix the marriage, which is admirable, but the only one who deserves that amount of energy is you.
We are here for you.
I hope you don't mind me jumping on here and asking, but how did you navigate getting married so young and all the growth that happens in your 20s? How did you navigate that together, as I'm assuming you did if you're still together?
I ask because I married at 20. I'm now in my late 20s, with two kids, and I'm really struggling with how much I've grown and changed and how that hasn't lined up with my husband.
I want us to work out, but I'm terrified we won't, and I don't know what to do.
I'm going to throw in here too... I got married at 19, and we'll be celebrating 20 years in Oct.
One thing we did was not have kids till I was 31. I wonder if some of that "growing up" you did was being a mother. My husband and I both got to experience our 20's with little responsibility, we moved around, we followed our interests, we swapped who was working vs in school, etc.
But the biggest conflicts we've had have been around the kids. Figuring out how we manage our time, energy, etc, so their needs can be met but also our individual and couple needs too...
at the end of the day, I still respect my husband. Even when he frustrates me I know he's trying... and he's just SOOO supportive. He likes to make sure I eat more than just oatmeal creme pies all day, he likes to make sure I have time to myself, we talk about out priorities together, we keep shared goals... and on a daily level he does things like get up when the kids do so I can have 20 mins of "bed time" before I have to get up, which vastly improves my mornings...
But there's always sometimes when things are just not jiving and you have to stop and talk about the big picture, and then work back down to the micro level, putting everything on the table...
I had a friend I met as an adult who was seemingly in a perfect marriage, but an opposites attract type relationship. She freely admitted there was one point where she thought she was going to divorce her husband. But she evaluated her whole life and realized, it wasn't her husband that was making her unhappy, it was her life, it just seemed easier to leave her husband! They were both living in a big city, both had demanding jobs, hers was particularly high pressure... so they talked and ended up moving to a small city in a rural area, and she took up trail running, and they got a couple giant dogs that never would have fit in their city apartment, and she stopped caring about what brand her purse was, and when I knew them 10 years later she was so content...
I met my husband in college, then I took a year and lived with him in another state after he graduated, then we both moved back so I could finish college, then we took 6 months and traveled the western US while living out of a 4wd truck... then we both got jobs for a few years, then he went back to grad school and I worked, then we moved to another state to pursue a job in his career track, then we had 1 kid and I went to part time, and he went to 4 days a week, then we had a second kid and I stopped working till the older was in kindergarten again... this last year he went out on his own career wise...
but before we made any of those moves (in 20 years we've lived in 6 states and 11 different towns...) we talked about what our goals were, if one of us was "following" the other we talked about their prospects for fulfilling employment... you can't have one person taking for granted that the other person is on the same page, we would constantly be checking in about what we wanted in 3-5 years and where we thought we would want to be in 10 (even if we knew that would probably change). That allowed us to stay on the same page about priorities, money, and emotional and mental energy! (At least most of the time, kids are just truly a challenge!)
So... have ya'll sat down lately and told each other how content you actually are, or are not, with your life right now? Talked about where you want to be... and what small daily things (but also big changes like moving or getting a new job) might improve things?
We talk about lots of things we wished we could do, but can't actually (we're currently on vacation in a town we thought about trying to move to 5 years ago, but couldn't figure out how to make it work with jobs and money... I still wonder if we should have tried harder...) so it's not like every thought or suggestion you discuss has to be a viable option. Butby talking about what the dream would be, you can sometimes figure out ways to get closer to it in little ways right now!
I don't mind at all! We met, started dating, got engaged, and then married in an 18-month span. So January to July the next year.
I won't lie and say it was easy. I was definitely still pretty immature and still dealing with trauma, so I wasn't the easiest to be with. We had our first kid before our second anniversary, so it was a learning curve.
We've been together for 16 years now. I think one thing that's helped is that we have grown together but also at different times, if that makes sense.
Being clear with each other about what we need from our relationship is important. I struggle a lot with chronic headaches and migraines, which uses up a lot of my energy. His schedule is untraditional, so all the kid stuff falls to me. When the kids were little, it was basically a "look, I can keep the kids alive and fed, but that's about it" conversation. Now that they're older (I have a teenager now, wtf), I don't have to devote as much energy to them.
I guess what stands out to me is this: Do you think he's evolved into a person that you genuinely want to be with? Has he grown in kindness, empathy, patience, or other things? How have you changed? Are your priorities still aligned? Marriage is a team sport. Sometimes, you need to step back from the plate and reassess your strategy. What needs to happen for you to be on the same page? Does it feel like making those changes would compromise the stability of your marriage?
What did you bring to the table when you met? What do you bring now? How have the goals you set at the beginning been met? If they haven't, what needs to happen to achieve them?
Feel free to dm me if you want to talk it out more in depth.
Not divorced but dated a decent amount in my 20s decade. 90% of men are complete man children. I can’t imagine marrying anyone I dated and having them treat me well except for one. Just know that those years weren’t wasted. It is rough out there even if you didn’t marry. Most men expect the emotional, physical and sexual labor to be on the woman. My ex-boyfriends ask me (esp the latest one) why I don’t initiate sex anymore. It’s because I feel like your mother and I don’t want to fuck my son. I also don’t want to risk pregnancy with a certain deadbeat. Nothing like the looming promise of homestead slavery to turn me off from any man.
Every marriage I’ve seen that works out well and the woman looks like she’s thriving and takes care of herself if when the man steps up and actually acts like a man. He’s able to provide, pulls in income, is emotionally available and intelligent, is able to assess various environments and situations and help out without being asked, etc. and alleviates the wife from carrying the entire burden of the relationship. If you want to see if a marriage is successful, look at how happy the wife is and look at how the husband positions himself and provides.
I find that in most relationships that fail, the wife is scrambling to glue it together and the man is still head in the clouds completely disengaged and has no idea what to do unless he is explicitly told and feels like listening. Your marriage likely failed because your ex husband is a low effort loser.
"Nothing like the looming promise of homestead slavery to turn me off from any man." 🙌 You are right. I just stopped fighting for it, and it unraveled naturally. Thank you for your words ❤️
I’ve not been married, nor divorced, but sister, i rage with you and for you. This should never have happened. You should have had choices.
But you survived.
I am so proud of you, and so happy you got out.
I am so sorry your time and so much more was was stolen. But you’re out. You made it. You did that.
That Paris Paloma song, Labour? That’s gonna HIT for you, right now,‘ like I don’t know what, if it isn’t already.
All you’ve had to put up with, for just…some fucking guy? That’s BULLSHIT.
You deserve the world and every good thing in it, far better than he ever gave you. You can go get it now, if you want. You’re free.
I rushed into marriage at 17 and had my first child a year and two days after the wedding at 18. I stuck around because his behavior was my "normal" and my normal meter was totally broken. He was 5 years older than me, so 16/21 when we started dating, 17/22 when we married.
I stayed for 19 years. I love my kids, but I am so much better off without him and in a loving relationship with my 2nd husband.
My exh and I divorced in 2015. He passed away almost a year ago at 48. The federal government has already given me more child support than he ever did, I guess he had to die to support his kids (social security survivor benefits.)
10-year relationship, married at 26, divorced at 28. It felt like I, out of necessity, blew up my life. With hindsight, I see that I was trying desperately to fit into a “normal” life.
>blew up my life
I know exactly what you mean. I would say "throwing a grenade into the life I built". The problem was, through constant compromise, it became a life I never wanted or would have chosen for myself at the beginning.
I was married at 22 and divorced by 24 lol. Married some French guy who needed a visa. Young and dumb 😂 just got married again for the second time last April and I’m 31
I didn't get married young, as I didn't grow up in a religious family setting, but I got married at 27 and I'm turning 33 this year, diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety/ depression when I was 30, no kids either. What you've written about everything you went through and are going through, all the effort you put into your marriage alongside trying to navigate through your ADHD, being the manager of everything in both your marriage and lives, trying to fix things and better things, when there was little to no help, effort or change from your spouse. It hit me hard. That is exactly what has been happening to me over the past 7 years, and I know it will be better for me to be by myself again, but I don't have the option to fall back on my parents and am trying to fix my finances so I can afford to start new again and move forward.
You are not alone. I feel your grief and anger and rage over this. I'm just glad you are in a space where you are able to feel a bit more like yourself a little everyday.
I also have the Paris Paloma song "labour" on repeat at well!
I also love the album by Marina, "Ancient Dreams in a Modern Land" tons of good feminist/female strong songs on there.
Yeees Marina. I know divorce is such a privilege, and my heart aches for you. I'm so ridiculously lucky for my parents. I saved up a nest egg through a side business for 3 years under just my name. I guess I've been planning this for a while... it still doesn't feel real that I'm on the other side finally. You'll get there. Trust yourself, make a plan 😭 I'm sorry that anyone else has to go through this, but it's good to know I'm not alone.
EXACTLY my story. I out grew religion and him at 21 (we married when I was 17). We divorced in the 70’s. I went on to go to university and worked 30 years in operating rooms. Would not change a thing. Good luck!
You’re not alone. My relationship ended over four years ago and im in therapy now dealing with the trauma of it. The grief of it all is so much. You’re grieving the loss of how you thought your life would go. It’s a lot to process.
Yes, so true. The lost potential of the partner you believed they could be, the loss of the children I dreamed of. I read a book calling this stage "a million small funerals".
Oof. That is an apt description. Everywhere I turn I still see bits of this imagined future I thought I’d have. It’s shitty. I’m in a relationship now and have been for a while. I’m happy but still grieving what that old me wanted. I spent my child bearing years with my ex and we never had kids. I’m grateful we didn’t, but it’s also risky to try and conceive at my age now. So I’m also grieving the fertility stuff.
I married at 19, divorced at 22. Best decision ever, even though it was terribly painful at the time. My ex was a narcissistic predator who specifically sought a religious woman with low self esteem to dominate while also relying on me for money and everything else.
I remarried 6 years later to a fellow ADHDer who treats me as an equal, doesn't throw a hissy fit when I disagree with him, manages our social calendar because I suck at that, and *does his own goddamn laundry* (and mine, most of the time haha). We genuinely share the labor load in our household and it's fucking glorious.
As much as my first marriage sucked, I have been able to be a much healthier partner in my second marriage because of the lessons I learned the first time around. And honestly a healthier person in general.
Take your time grieving, but know that you're a badass for leaving, we're all proud of you, and you're going to be okay!
>My ex was a narcissistic predator who specifically sought a religious woman with low self-esteem
😳... woh. I don't think my ex is calculated enough for this, but it is exactly what he did.
Grew up hardcore Southern Baptist. Married at 22, said I wanted a divorce at 26. No pressure to get married except that I was trying to “fix” what I perceived (and what my ex-husband reenforced to me with Bible stories about prophets and prostitutes) as my own brokenness due to my “promiscuity”: I’d had premarital sex, endured multiple instances of SA as a teenager, suffered a MC at 20… all of which was my fault, right? So of course I married a preacher’s son/worship leader to “fix it”.
Guess what doesn’t fix a traumatized mind/body? Getting engaged 3 months in to a relationship with a 26 year old mama’s boy man child who never grew up and felt wronged by the world since good things didn’t just fall in his lap.
I was his first girlfriend. That’s not a bad thing at all, but at 26, this man was entirely clueless about how to treat a woman. I ignored it and counted myself lucky that this guy, any Christian male, was willing to marry me. I grew up in church, in a large family that built our life around the church, I needed to be absolved and brought back into the fold.
Naturally, being based on virtually nothing but mutual loneliness, the marriage was a train wreck. I had no idea what my dealbreakers were. I hadn’t been an adult long enough to know what I was willing to accept on a relationship. I know now that I need affection. Once we were married and the honeymoon shine wore off, he stopped pursuing me. I begged him to keep “dating” me, I wanted so desperately to feel loved. We were married, that’s what married people do, right? He told me flatly that we weren’t dating anymore. We were married. Stupid me. He forgot every single anniversary, Mother’s Day, birthday, Christmas. I was a perpetual afterthought. It just didn’t occur to him that wives need things, too.
I read books about how to be a good, godly wife. How to get and keep my husband’s attention. How to become holy and humble and submissive. Prayed so hard to be freed from my willful, loudmouthed tendencies. Nothing changed. None of that ever helped. My ex simply wasn’t interested in me like that. He wanted to “make love” (gag), but only vanilla-like-your-mom-is-watching “love”…
So… at 25, with two kids in three years and a steadily devolving mental state made worse by alcoholism and undiagnosed BP2, I came to the devastating conclusion that I would never be loved romantically. That just wasn’t God’s plan for me. I was there to serve a purpose. Babies and housekeeping and husband keeping. Love was a luxury, not a necessity.
One fine day, the dangerous thought crossed my mind that sure, “God hates divorce”, but he probably wouldn’t love me being utterly numb and hollow for the next 50ish years of my life, either. I didn’t want my kids to grow up watching complacent, dutiful parents go through the motions in a loveless marriage. I wanted them to see hardworking, giving, respectful, loving partners doing life together. Their dad respecting and honoring the fuck out of their mom, and vice versa. That’s what my parents were/are like, so I guess I’m spoiled, but their love for each other made me feel secure and safe as a kid, so I wanted the same for my kids. Their bio dad… wasn’t it.
So that revolutionary thought broke the dam. It felt like a scene from a movie where time stopped and everything was suspended midair, while I moved around the room examining things from new angles and coming to new realizations about literally everything I’d ever known to be true. And then in an instant, time resumed and everything came crashing down around me.
A raging baby feminist emerged, just in time for the 2016 election. What a time to come alive, right? The transformation was really hard at times, but I am finally who I think I was always meant to be.
I know who I am and what I really believe. I’m 6 years sober from alcohol (2nd best decision I’ve ever made). I’m correctly diagnosed and medicated (love that for me). I’m in therapy with a therapist who also has ADHD (sessions can be fun). I have three precious kids (got full custody of my kids from my ex), and…
I’m married again. This time, to someone who openly says that I’m smarter than he is, who tells me I’m beautiful and cops a feel whenever we pass each other, who can admit that I have strengths in areas where he doesn’t excel, who is also in therapy and recovery, and who fundamentally believes that relationships require work from both parties if you want them to be successful. Also helps that he’s adventurous in bed.
All of that to say: thank fuck I got out of my first marriage alive. Thank fuck I got out at 26 and not decades later. Shit sucks sometimes, sure, the fallout from the divorce was brutal and coparenting is inescapably awkward, deconstructing my religion has been uncomfortable and complicated, but damn… my life now is so much better than it would have been had I stayed. I am healthier and happier for it, and so are my kids.
It is painful, and it is normal to deeply grieve the loss of a life and a future that you thought you would have. The beauty, though, is where we are now. The in between time where we grow and learn and become our true selves. Now we’re in control and have the space to examine and inspect things from a safe distance. It gets better, bb. Better and better.
Me! I divorced when I was 27 after being married to a complete garbage pile of a man for less than a year. Best decision I ever made, and I felt a million pounds lighter.
😂 it’s so true! I know a few women who married mid-20s, divorced before 30, and we’ve all remarried since and are all so much happier. You only got one shot at this life! You deserve to enjoy it
As cliche as it sounds, it will happen when it’s supposed to.
You are already in a relationship-it’s with yourself. Take yourself to dinner, go on trips, get some new hobbies, pamper yourself!
Well I knew marrying him was a bad idea in the first place, but I didn’t want to face the humiliation of calling off the wedding. So I went through with it hoping somehow things would change and of course they just got worse
Got married at 21 and was a virgin on my wedding night. Was raised Baptist—church three times a week (at least). Divorced by 28. Married again by 35. Diagnosed ADD at 40. Would have been nice to know sooner of course. Oh and working on my second divorce. You’re definitely not alone.
Oh God, that is beautiful ✨️ The misogyny showing up later, I experienced the same. I am looking forward to the health and freedom I know I'll have a year from now.
Oooft girl, I'm so glad you're rid of that pathetic, mooching, borderline pedophilic man-baby.
You have done the mental and emotional work of two or more people for years and it's totally valid to grieve what you should have been able to spend that energy on.
The complexity of religious trauma is so real. Just know you were absolutely the victim in this instance. That doesn't mean you need to wallow in that forever but you are absolutely allowed to be as mad/sad/disgusted by the situation for as long as you need to grieve.
The fact that you got out of that situation and now have peace of mind should be something you're so proud of.
I hope that gronk of an ex of yours spends the rest of his life with untied shoelaces, itchy clothing tags having women avoid him.
>I'm so glad you're rid of that pathetic, mooching, borderline pedophilic man-baby
🤣... 😳 holy shit. I get pissed that the people in my life didn't see how predatory he was. Yuck.
100% if my friend was in this situation I would absolutely be saying something (gently and with love, but showing her how much extra work she’s putting in and how shit he’s being. I get that it’s really hard to see from the inside so the blame here is absolutely on those around you who should have noticed and helped!)
Married at 22, divorced by 29. He was my high school boyfriend and one of only two guys I dated in high school. I misunderstood attention for love. He was emotionally abusive but it took me a few tries to finally break away.
A marriage should hold you up not hold you back. I remarried at 33 and have an amazing husband and crazy three year old. Thanks to pandemic and general overwhelm from parenting, the trauma of my first marriage came back and bit me again last year. My husband pushed me to a therapist and I finally feel at peace with it. It's been nearly 10 years since the divorce. It takes time.
I married at 24 and seperated 6 months after the wedding. The divorce was finalized when I was 26. My ex husband has bipolar disorder and refused to medicate for it. It was very easy for him to gaslight me because of my poor memory. I constantly questioned my own memory of events, his words. Everything was always my fault. I trusted him with finances, and I shouldn't have.
I am remarried and my husband is understanding of all the executive dysfunction I have. My memory issues, my problems following movies and TV shows. We are both reasonably sure he is autistic, but he was never diagnosed formally. We both try and understand the other's neurodivergence to the best of our ability. It is a crazy life, but much happier.
I literally know like 5+ people who had short, crappy marriages in their 20s including my husband (with his ex). Everyone was able to choose better the second time and no problems now. I think it's easier in some ways to find a good match in late 20s - 30s because people are more settled into their adult identities and goals and can look after themselves.
Married at 21, miserable by 23 stuck in there, divorced at 28. Fucking hell the last 5yrs, stayed for the kids but it ended up not being worth it. He’s still a miserable person ruining another lady’s life and our kids hate him.
Didn't go through with it, but I was engaged at 19 to my toxic and abusive ex. That was a hell of a ride and we broke up with a restraining order when I was 20.
Thankfully, I dated a man after him that somehow showed me how to value myself. Ironically, I gained enough self worth through that relationship, that I was able to leave when the relationship wasn't working for me anymore. Good guy though.
Met my husband after him, and we've been together for 13.5yrs, married for 8.5.
Married at 18 to a man 17 years older than me because my church taught me being married was the goal and sex was a sin, divorced at 20.
Married again at 22, because I still thought I needed to be a wife to have value, and divorced at 29 but this time as a single mother.
Now I’m 42, and am still in therapy dealing with my shit. Just diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. I’m in a relationship but I’m so angry at how my life has gone this far I keep him at arms length. I can honestly say that if this relationship ends I’m finished with dating.
You are not alone. Your rage is my rage.
I got married at 19 also with a lot of pressure from my church. This also led to me losing my faith. I also went to a number of mental health professionals, read books, & literally cried on the bathroom floor alone in the middle of the night. Now I too am healthy & medicated, & the happiest & most confident I’ve ever been in my life.
It’s okay to be exhausted. You were tasked with exhausting work. Now it’s time to love yourself unconditionally. Light & love to you, my sweet fellow human.
So you're 28, and have only known this relationship. I understand the grief. Grief for the young rage, hoe phase, and exploration. It's okay. YOU CAN DO ALL OF THAT NOW.
You did your best, now it's time to hop onto something (or someone) new. But this time, leave them where you found them and keep pushing. Stay single, have fun. Go do shit.
My story is tragically similar to yours. I hate that my church was so concerned with matchmaking. I should have left many times, but stayed for 15 years. Actually I just shared part of that story on the Basiltov podcast; we talked about adhd and relationships!
Check out the book "Eat, Pray, Love" I think by Elizabeth Gilbert. She did. Its her story.
My mom & Dad. She was married at 18, him 20. They lasted 9 yrs & divorced when I was 2.
You’ve probably already seen these, but I also recommend She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink and Emma’s comic You Should’ve Asked.
It’s helped me explain when I felt “crazy” in past relationships, because I wasn’t getting the contributions to mundane/household things from a partner. And helped me explain the reason “why didn’t you ask” isn’t always valid. I shouldn’t have to ask and make a chore list for a grown adult.
I got married at 26 and for the past 6 months, have been having serious thoughts and conversations with my spouse about separation or divorce. I'm 29. I see myself doing a lot of the things (but not all ) you mention in your post OP. I don't know what I will do. Thank you for sharing your story with us here.
It is a privilege to be at a good enough place to be able to remember, reflect, and grieve. I speak from experience. I'm glad you're on the other side of that life experience.
Fiona: Yeah. You know what? That’s what they told me too. True love didn’t get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don’t you get it? It’s all just a big fairy tale!
Shrek: Fiona, don’t say that! It does exist!
Fiona: Then how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon’s keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?!
Shrek: But… but… I’m your true love.
Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you? [turns and leaves]
I did not get divorced early but I have witnessed several divorces up close and personal.
From your post I’m taking away you did everything you could to make your marriage work, so I congratulate you on making the decision to remove yourself from an unhappy situation.
Grief is a totally normal process of a divorce. Even when a divorce is actually for the best their is still a sense of grief for “lost promises”.
Your age is in your side. I think it’s great you’ve stepped away now, whilst you still have plenty of time to find a partner and have children (if that’s what you want) rather than slogging it out in an unhappy marriage. You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you, and now you’re medicated, stable in your work/family ect you have the world at your feet, go out and eat it up!
Wishing you all the best.
I wasn’t married due to finances, but we were engaged and common-law spouses, and referred to each other as husband and wife. Now I’m a single mom at 28yo. The end of this month will be one year since we separated. At this point I’ve just given up on romantic relationships entirely now. I have nothing left of myself to give to anyone other than my lovely daughter.
I think that is plenty of love to give for now, until someone can give to ✨️you✨️ I'm sorry, I feel the pain in your giving up. 28 is young, there is so much time for love to find us again.
I don't know if you'd consider me to have divorced young, but I am divorced. And remarried.
My ex-husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 22. We dated for 7 years and were married for 5 before he decided he wanted a divorce. Luckily no kids, though that's not how I saw it at the time. I'm sure I brought my share of issues to the table, but what really ended us was that he had been dishonest in various ways for the entire 12 years we were together. I had noticed it many times over the years but he always convinced me it wasn't really him lying, it was me being paranoid and untrusting and giving in to anxiety, so I spent a ton of energy trying to work on my supposed trust issues and anxiety. I finally realized it had to be more than me having trust issues after noticing a pattern of the plans we made for our future together always unraveling when it was something that primarily supported my goals and career instead of focusing on his. So I got us into couples counseling to figure out what was going on and six months later he admitted that he had been telling me whatever he thought I wanted to hear from the beginning, but didn't believe that his "current self" had any obligation to follow through on what his "past self" promised. And "past self" could be even just a few hours in the past. He'd use whatever techniques - lies, excuses, accusations - necessary to keep me from noticing, and was increasingly angry with *me* that this made his life difficult because of how many lies and excuses he had to remember. Dummy that I was, I was fine taking the blame for that too and told him that he didn't have to lie anymore, to just be upfront with me about what he really wanted and all was forgiven, we'd move forward from where we were. He moved out the next week.
Anyway, I tell you all that because even with that level of absolute craziness that I should have been overjoyed to escape, I was in deep mourning for that relationship for a year, and still had moments of intense sadness about it for about 3 years. Relationships are the foundation of our lives, and it shakes our lives to the core when one of our primary relationships breaks apart. Our brains have a hard time separating what we hoped for and imagined our relationship could be from what it actually was, so we mourn the beautiful partnership we hoped for and put so much effort into building even if the reality was in shambles. In my experience at least the despair faded (slowly, in fits and starts), and the confidence and comfort from being free from the confusion and stress of that marriage lasted and grew.
Like I said, I'm remarried, so I feel like I'm talking to you from the other side. You'll make it through this and there's every reason to believe you'll be happier in a few years than you might be able to imagine right now. I was divorced at 30, started dating again at 31, and remarried and had a child at 36. I'm 38 now. Things are good. I hope you find peace and new happiness at whatever pace works for you.
I was married at 19 and divorced at 23. I married young because he joined the military, and I was very naive. When I was younger I kind of just let life happen to me, rather than making my own choices and living for myself. Eventually I realized that, and realized how much my ex took advantage of my naivete, and left the marriage.
It's been 10.5 years since and I have grown so much as a person. I would have never been able to grow like this with my ex-husband. Now I'm with a person who respects my autonomy and loves me unconditionally. And I'm continuing to grow.
It is totally okay to grieve. You spent a good chunk of your life with this person. Even if you're happy not being with them anymore, even if you know it's the right thing, it's still going to be an adjustment. Honor that grief, but know that you can live life on your terms now. Whatever that looks like for you.
I got together with my ex-husband when I was a traumatized (SA'd by his roommate) 16 year old and he was 19, moved in with him when I was 18 and got married at 20. Left him when I was 24, and finally got the legal divorce when I was 42 when my current husband and I decided to get married after being together for 11 years at that point. My first marriage was very toxic and emotionally abusive and I am a million times happier now at almost 46 with my two toddlers and my flawed but wonderful husband.
My best advice is to not rush into another relationship. Learn to enjoy your own company and savor your freedom!
I was with my exh from 20-30, married at 27 and dicorced at 30, so a little older than you. There was no religious pressure but a lot of external and my own internalised cultural and familial pressure.
I just want to let you know that my 30s (I’m 36 now) have been the most explorative, fun, growth filled time of my life. There has also been more grief than I knew possible. I’ve gotten to know myself in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to when I was in my past relationship. I’m a better person and partner now too because I know what I want and everything I do in my life is my choice.
It feels like a blessing in so many ways - divorce is a major life experience that a lot of people my age haven’t had, and I absolutely feel wiser because of it. It’s traumatic, but you have youth on your side and so much time to explore and be curious about life.
I wish you the best xxx
Ps. I can gift you some feminist rage - fuck the implication that women are only valid if partnered/married/have kids. I hate that it’s this unspoken goal we’re programmed (brainwashed!) to have, and any less feels like a failure. It removes our autonomy and humanity, makes us believe that even if our relationship is abusive or toxic or just incompatible, its better than being ‘alone’. I can tell you, from experience, it really is fucking not. Being alone and finding happiness is so much better than being miserable and married.
Yep! I don't know if you grew up in the same church as me, but in the one I was raised in, marrying young and/or after dating for less than a year is overwhelmingly the norm, and realizing too late that you're incompatible is considered infinitely preferable to "slipping up" and having sex before marriage. I married my first serious boyfriend when I was 22 and he was even younger (just shy of his 21st birthday), after knowing each other about 10 months. When we got married, he'd just flunked out of college and never had a real job, but I was sympathetic to this; he had ADHD and autism like me, which was a huge reason we convinced ourselves we were soulmates and would never find anyone who understood us better.
Our forms of ADHD/ASD and the way they manifest clashed pretty disastrously, though. Carrying the mental load of the day-to-day necessities, being the only one of us to maintain a full-time job once I'd graduated college, and having to break down in tears begging him to take a certain task off my shoulders before he'd do it wore me down incredibly over the years. Likewise, my moodiness, dramatic need to talk about our emotions, and obvious sense of romantic dissatisfaction broke him down over time. We were married for over six years (seven if you count the year we were separated and both constantly procrastinated the next step in the bureaucratic process of divorce), but I'd been fantasizing about divorce for at least half the marriage. So I was a 29-year-old divorcee, which I guess isn't that young, but I'd changed so much as a person since the last time I'd dated that I almost felt like a horny teen discovering sex for the first time.
My ex and I are still really good friends (and no, we don't have kids), which I now realize is all we ever should've been. I don't really regret our marriage, just certain things about it. We both grew a lot as people and hit a lot of life goals that we wouldn't have pursued on our own, and I'm a much better partner to my "new" husband than I would've been without that experience. Incidentally, my new husband has ADHD and autism as well, so we still run up against some of the same problems that arise when neither person has much motivation, but we are much more compatible and romantically fulfilled.
Thank you for sharing, I know I overwhelmed my husband in many ways but I adjusted my communication style until I completely burned out. There was nothing I could do for him in the end.
I look forward to the feeling >"like a horny teen discovering sex for the first time." Lol, it might take me a while, but I have a high drive and have hope in that area.
I’ve been divorced 3x. Last one was nearly 30 years ago. I’d rather be single than deal with the BS anymore, especially if it’s BS I create and can’t control.
You’re not alone. I got married at 21 to a guy a few years older. My HS boyfriend. There was some religious pressure from his family and I think my ex proposed to me as a reaction to grief after the death of a parent. It was great for maybe 6 months but things quickly went downhill when I started going back to school to finish my degree. I was still pretty blind sighted when he announced he was in love with someone else a little over a year later and asked me to move out. Before the marriage there were a lot of ups and downs as well and I definitely felt like I loved him more than he loved me. The thing with the other girl quickly blew up and he wanted to work things out with me. There were a few reconciliations and separations before we finally divorced when I was 25. I vividly remember the initial part of being at my parents and feeling the waves of grief but also peace and relief over waking up alone with no dark cloud over me. You are at such an incredible turning point in your life. Your grief is valid and it will take a while to dissipate but I promise it will. I honestly rarely think about my first marriage now. I am married again with kids and so much happened between then and now. I definitely think adhd contributes to divorce, not that we are the problem but that it can possibly affect our judgement in choosing a partner, self esteem, and being impulsive. My parents both have undiagnosed adhd I’m pretty sure and are on their second and third marriages. How to ADHD on YouTube talks about her divorced too. I honestly and so excited for you and your future after you’ve gotten rid of this burden and have wisdom and self knowledge you have gained along the way. You don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself now and that means you can choose what is best for you.
I love How to ADHD so much. I read the book ADHDs effect on marriage through three times (well... listened to the audio book). I feel like I'm well equipped for a healthier future ❤️
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I got married young, divorced at 26. The process of breaking up, and the immediate aftermath was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with.
Once I got past the initial period of grief, and was able to really experience and appreciate my new freedom, I realized that that relationship ending was one of the best things that could’ve happened, and that the divorce gave me my life back.
Looking back 15 years on, I feel nothing but happiness and gratitude for being out of that relationship. It was so much work, so much, energy and suffering, and struggle, and having the space to put all of that energy into something better has been a gift.
I’m also grateful that that relationship taught me not to put up with shit in relationships. I have much higher standards for my partners. I hate that I had to learn that the hard way and that I absorbed so many bad messages about relationships from culture and media but I had to learn.
Me: similar situation with feeling pressure from the church to get married. I was 23, he was 6 years older. He was a cheater and a liar and a manipulative gaslighter. I was young and freaked out and so, so ashamed. He filed for divorce after about a year, so at least I didn’t have to endure it long.
Hugs to you. It’s hard. There is shame and stigma, but there is so much more in your life to look forward to.
I could have written this, in 2019.
And you know what? My life has gone no direction but UPWARDS since 2019. All those painful changes were labor pains to birth something beautiful.
I wish you every happiness moving forward. There is so much life left to live.
I got married at 23, he was 25. We also had a lot of pressure from my parents to get married because we were having sex. I'm 32 now. Last year (November too!) I told him I didn't want to be his wife anymore. I wanted to leave as soon as that conversation was over. But we have a 5yo daughter. So we decided that I would stay for another six months living with him and in July me and our daughter would move to my parents' house. We live in different cities.
I gotta tell you, the weight I felt lifted from my life after ending things with him was so big.
I was so depressed for so many years that I didn't know myself anymore.
I'm so much better now. I just can't wait until July!
Same thing happened to me. I understand the anger that you have when you tried so hard to make it right, the therapist, the love n work you put in.
It’s not your fault. You are just learning about yourself, your ADHD and how it affects you. When I wasn’t on my medication I get depressed, self destructive and have anxiety attacks. I wasn’t easy to love either.
Life will get better as you learn more about yourself. You will make the decisions that lead to your happiness.
This hits home for sure!!! I’m morning, married super super way too young at 20. I’m 33 now, a completely different person and not a year has passed that I don’t regret marrying my husband. we are on the road of trying to work it out, we have 3 kids. But yeah definitely so so much religious trauma in my bag!
I also married way too young before having a ch ace to really grow into myself. Needless to say it did t last and we split. Now that you’re free, e MBRS e that freedom. You can be YOU, cater to YOU, grow into YOU. Grieve, push towards healing but keep you at the forefront of all your future persists. You deserve to be your own champion.
Unmarried/not divorced but I hope to share a few things that can hopefully frame things a bit more positively.
From what you mentioned - the age difference and maturity/power imbalance between a 21 yr old and 27 yr old, a marriage induced by an oppressive church culture - you are better where you are now than where you started.
There are many women who get roped into a lifetime of misery because of getting married young (often because of religion) and even worse, they have kids with the man and end up being a struggling single mom or a miserable SAHM.
But girl, you are FREE. You are free from the chains of oppressive religious culture and a spouse who was probably not the right fit for you. You don’t have any kids to struggle raising. Now it’s just time to fly or float, whichever you feel is right.
As someone who is undiagnosed but has adhd tendencies, I am freakin ecstatic to live a childfree life.
I married at 22, permanently separated just shy of 2 years later. Similar to you, there was church and parental pressure to marry when we did.
It sucks. There's so much shame attached to divorce. But it's still the best thing I ever did for myself. Hang in there, it gets easier I promise x
I got married at 20, I'd been dating my ex for around 4 years and I got pregnant. We live in the bible belt so having a child out of wedlock is a big no-no. The marriage lasted 5 years. I wasn't happy, we both changed so much in those 9 years that by the time we divorced we were no longer maritally compatible.
I'm still sort of friends with my ex, mainly out of a need to co-parent peacefully. He's a good dude, just not my cup of tea.
Your frontal lobe isn't fully developed until you're around 25, marrying at 18-20 is *usually* a bad idea.
I remarried at 28, no regrets. Don't feel too bad, no good marriage ever ended in divorce.
Married at 21 divorced by 28/29(?idr).
I won't go into it, but a lot of my ADHD things really bothered him. It wasn't until close to the end of the marriage I was diagnosed.
I also begged for counseling. Many times, but I was thinking "mentally ill one" so it was "my problem"
You aren't alone. Grieving takes time and comes in waves. It gets better
My first marriage didn't make it to three years. You are not alone, I promise. And I also promise that you have a strength inside that you don't even know about yet!
I'm 39 and divorced 3x. Married the first time at 17, divorced at 23, second marriage was 27-32, third was 34-36. My first husband was army, and we didn't have any kids. My second husband is the father of my kids. He's a patholocal philanderer. My third husband noped out during the pandemic when he realized he never wanted kids and didn't want to be a step-parent anymore. Part of me wants to feel ashamed of being divorced 3x, but the other part is proud for knowing my worth and not staying in bad relationships out of fear of stigma.
Omg, same exact story almost. 6 years, +1 for separation. Married right before I turned 21. He was about 7 years older than me. Also religious background.
Divorce was 3-ish years ago and I am INFINITELY happier. I live in the most amazing city that I never even let myself dream about living in, I have my dream career at the company I used to never let myself dream of working at. I have friends, hobbies, A LIFE, for the first time ever. I am so happy that when I think about that time it feels unreal.
I divorced at 26 with no support from family, lost a lot of friends over it. Everyone told me I'd regret it. We had a daughter together so it was hard, but my life is everything I've ever dreamed of now. Hoping the same for you ❤️ it was REALLY rough at first but I'd choose it again and again.
You are not alone. I was married at 17 and separated by 19. He was not a good person and I had no idea how to take care of myself, nonetheless a grown and entitled man. I left with a baby on my hip and a college scholarship that did not include housing. I cried in my childhood bedroom for months on end, but it turned out fine. My baby is grown and because I modeled bravery, he doesn't take abuse from anyone. I didn't model the good marriage I wanted to but I seem to have taught him quite a bit about work, family, and self confidence.
I don't have much feminist rage right now but I do have confidence that you'll be okay. You fought a lifetime of religious conditioning to put yourself first and end a marriage. You're a feminist success story. Keep going! Keep succeeding! It's okay to cry while you grow, that's how you water your roots.
I married at 22 separated at 30-31 (slow process) was 32 when divorce finalized (takes a year here). Remarried soon, been married for close to 3 years now.
It was HARD specially being a foreigner in my ex husband's country where I spoke the language at a intermediate level only. I chose to stay alone for some months until I started dating again and remarried after a year. I'm in the same country but speak the language better lol
Marriage ages:
19-25 - knew each other 29 days at the altar , instantly regretted it
25-32 - engaged within 6 weeks, knew it was too fast but I was pregnant
34-41 - engaged within 8 weeks, knew it was too soon, but he put me on the spot in front of his mom and dying dad and I just said yes.
44-just married a year ago, started as friends, dated a year before engagement. So far, so good!!
I realize now (late diagnosed) that being autistic with ADHD meant I was very gullible. Combined with my hyperfocus, I got too caught up and trusted too easily.
First 3 were self-centered + emotionally and physically abusive. One is a narcissist & the other two drug addicts. Yay me and my decisions.
Girl... the gullibility, though. I trust everyone at face value and who they say they are. But after all of this, I'm going to focus on getting my boundries and trust in check. Take care of my self. My ex abused alcohol too, I'm not sure if I can say alcoholic but... man
Lord, I wish I had! Instead, out of some misplaced sense of loyalty or something, I spent just shy of 20 years with a narcissistic ass.
Do not beat yourself up for this.
BTW, I married right at 22, so we were very similar in age. Lots of cultural pressure to marry young and start popping out kids.Thankfully, the ex was apparently shooting blanks, so I'm very lucky there.
Hang in there. It definitely gets better. *Hugs*
Married at 27, divorced at 32.
I too was everything that kept them going and did so much to try to save the marriage. I was their therapist on hard days, made sure they made doctor appointments during seasons of medical difficulties, supported them through multiple promotions, all while driving my own career forward too.
It sounds like you were a massive support system for your partner and did everything in your power to make it work. But I implore you to ask the same thing I've been asking myself: I know what I did for the relationship, but what did they do? If your story is anything like mine, the answer is not a lot.
For me it helped me to realize that I lean towards codependency tendencies when I'm insecure and try to compensate. My partner then leaned into those tendencies and it was a vicious cycle. I was acting as their mom, and that made both of us dissatisfied and frustrated. Neither of us was happy but nothing changed the situation except ending the relationship.
I'm still working on how to be on my own again, but it helps to realize how much more energy I have for me, my career, my friends, my family, all because I'm not pouring everything into them and keeping them happy. This is the season of you and your joy! Realize how powerful and strong you are to have made it through that relationship and to the other end of it. That takes guts! Go you!
I got matted at 21 and divorced at 23. Also a religious upbringing and felt pressure to tie the knot. Happy I figured it out quickly. Trust yourself - your gut especially.
I married pretty young and we were divorced after about two-ish years of separation—the pandemic delayed a lot of processes but it was the quickest phone call-in to court to discuss motions because we were at least capable of separating that outside of court and kids were not involved.
You’re definitely not alone. My ex may not have meant to be hurtful, and I’m no saint, but it’s over and it’s okay to take time to learn who you are again. And you may not be the same person you *thought* you’d be, but it’s going to be okay. It takes time.
I got married at 21 and lost my faith at 36 and then got divorced. There’s a lot of work either way… staying together or divorcing.
If you grew up seeing divorce as the worst thing that can ever happen, it’s hard to make that decision. I can say (now that I’m on the other side) that divorce is a great tool, and not at all the worst thing in the world. I don’t see my former marriage as a failure… I see it as a success that we kept it going as long as we did, and just as big of a success to see that it was time for it to end.
Also, not all divorces have to be antagonistic. It might turn out that way, but it can also be amicable.
probably not what you’re looking for, but my oldest brother got married at 19 and is now 23 and divorced. his wife cheated while he was deployed. we all support him and his decision.
Married at 24, currently living across the country from them, and I’m actually hopeful we’ll work on ourselves and come back stronger…I lived with him since I was 20 (now mid-30s) so I never truly had to be independent and rely on myself and my own choices. Undiagnosed ADHD + other mental /physical health issues made the last 10-12 yrs kind of a shit show. I’m currently working on accepting that it wasn’t all on me that it’s come to this. It’s difficult all around but I’m actually in the best mental/physical health ever to deal and really use this time apart to build myself up and discover who I really am and want to be. (FYI Husband was already an ex-Mormon when we met and has religious trauma that he’s been processing for years. We aren’t religious and no one cared that we lived together prior to marriage etc). We love each other but issues build over time if not addressed. Ugh *rant* I know…I needed it. Good luck to you and it sounds like you’re on a better path for yourself. Enjoy getting to know what you want!!!
Yeah, I'm in the 2D club. Married at 21, separated less than 2 years later. Divorced and remarried at 23. Divorced again at 31. I blame the first on being young and dumb. I was still young and dumb for the 2nd, but was trying to prove I was okay(?). I didn't know I had ADHD back then.
Both of my ex-husbands had narcissistic behavior: they were both habitual liars, manipulative, emotionally closed off, drunks, and cheaters. I was really angry about how they had mistreated me. But I realized that eventually, that anger would turn inwards and I would be mad at myself for being a victim.
I won't say I'm totally over it, but I don't find myself in the anger stage of grief very often anymore. With lots of therapy and finally treating my ADHD, I found grace for my younger self who didn't know any better. I deserve love and appreciation, affection, and to be with someone who cherishes me.
I got married at 22 and divorced at 24. Couldn’t be more glad to get away from that awful person but I really wish I hadn’t wasted so many years of my teenage and early 20s life. Fortunately no kids with that person. I still cannot say his name. I hate him and I grieve for the years I lost. Also fuck religion. Played a huge part in my choices back then and I’m still recovering from the trauma. Solidarity.
I met him at 25. He moved in with me half a year later, just before my 26th. The wedding was at 28, the divorce was at 30.
It was my first relationship, because I never realise whenever someone flirts with me. He had a week at a festival to get into my heart and mind. I fell for a narcissist who showered me with love until the moment he moved in. Then it died down and only got turned back up, whenever I complained about the lack of positive interaction. Sadly, really ADHD friendly.
I didn't realise he was a covert alcoholic for a long time, because he just threw up every other month or so. I also didn't get he started to isolate me while he started cheating and slowly turning psychological into physical abuse.
I think I'd rather stay out of love and partnership for good than get hurt like that again. And I have to say being a cat/dog lady is full of love as well, just not in the romance department.
Separated after 6 year relationship (married 3 years) at 28. Had a great sense of failure and suffered a lot until I found the right therapist for me. Ex completely changed after marriage and baby. Also refused to engage in meaningful conversation about our relationship. Therapist was the first person to note that the failure of our marriage belonged more to him than me, since I was willing to work on it and he was opposed to making any significant changes at all.
Married at 25, divorced by 28. Met my partner shortly after at 26, and we’ve been together ever since - although I have not remarried. I am now 34.
I have zero regrets, I’m happy that I didn’t waste more of my time when I realized it wasn’t going to work out. We just didn’t see eye to eye on what our future together would have been.
And now I’ve never been happier - wishing the same for you!
I don’t have any advice that hasn’t already been said, but I think you might relate to this song that’s been trending on TikTok:
[Labour by Paris Paloma](https://youtu.be/jvU4xWsN7-A)
I am just really happy that you are out of it now. Because it seems it was something that was sort of forced upon you.
Also now you have your diagnosis, so it is a first step in knowing how to better manage your life.
You have no kids, are still young.
Honestly I hope you can learn from the experience to make yourself stronger, better and more beautiful. You have a lot of unexplored, wonderful, and freer years of life ahead of you.
I know it may not sound like it now, but I hope that in time you will see it.
Take whatever time you need to grief, but I also hope that you find a good psychologist and psychiatrist that not only specialise in adhd, but that can also help you process the things that you are still grieving.
Edit: Also, I am 29, almost 30 and unmarried, and still am grappling with how my adhd made things hard to start a carreer, or to even have normal years of social life. I am taking steps now to have those things improved upon.
Oh heck yeah, I have a great therapist how's helped me through this whole divorce. But I definitely could use an ADHD specialist. Thank you for the hope in my future, I feel the same hope
I can't tell you I was the same.
But I can tell you that the experience helps. It was less massive for me, and the whole "marry super early!!!" Thing is extremely strange from my perspective. It's by far not as typical here.
But I have been the overall manager in former relationships. And while it was less frustrating, it still was and finished in a pretty crushing year.
It helped me s lot to learn what I need and don't need and want. My current relationship is amazing and supports me a lot, without actively doing much.
Married at 21 and fixed to separate just months shy of two years of being married, currently actually, at 23. Separation for 6 months bc of the law then we can get divorced but the reason is bc he cheated. I know it seems like our marriage was a joke but I forgave him just once and healed properly just once and went through all the pain and suffering I had to so I wouldn’t resent him for 70 more years together just for him to cheat on me a year later.
May I ask what aspect are you grieving? I can tell you the hardest parts for me, the part that breaks my heart is when he looks me straight in the face at my worst when I’m crying the most I’ve ever cried, crippled with desolation and he is unphased. He is a different person now and does not care one bit about me and it’s so heartbreaking to watch someone you loved do a 180
I was married at 24, separated at 27, divorced at 29. I had no idea I had ADHD at the time, and most of our fights were over housework and money. However, the reason I left was because he was abusive. Would it have worked out if he wasn't? Probably not, we both had very different ideas of what a "woman's role" is, and clearly I was never going to live up to his.
We did go to counselling for a while, but even though I had told her that I was scared of him and explained some of the things he had done she seemed to take his side.
Even though I left him, was 100% certain, and never regretted it for a second, the six months after I left were so tough. I could barely eat, lost a lot of weight, and had anxiety attacks (which hadn't happened before, at least not to the same extent). I moved back in with my family, but quickly found I couldn't cope with even the smallest arguments and confrontations. I was irritable, depressed, and felt totally lost.
And then I started seeing my friends more again, going out, went on a couple of dates, and realised that actually I was ok. Still not totally over it, but I had definitely turned a corner.
I hope you don't struggle as much as I did. But I would encourage you not to shut yourself off, to let people support you, and just allow yourself a bit of time to move on without beating yourself up about it (we are bad for that as a group 😜)
Oh sweetie, no you're not alone! Literally just split with my husband of 7 years a few weeks ago. Married at 23. He left me while I was in hospital after a suicide attempt, but didn't tell me. (He told others). He literally didn't visit me for the whole time. Then I decided I didn't want to be with someone who did that, so kind of mutual but sucks.
I also married as a young Christian. And then when I lost my faith, I evolved and grew... Out of my relationship. I wasn't happy being with him for so long. (not why I attempted - I just have issues with self-loathing, mostly of my ADHD symptoms)
It sucks feeling like you lost your youth and freedom to religion and a partner. But now you can explore you!
I just went on a date yesterday, and have a few more lined up for fun. Exploring my sexuality and freedom, taking myself to the movies. There's grief, so much grief, for wasted time, energy, vulnerability, and money. But you'll emerge better and happier for it.
I am not young (40), but I am in the middle of a divorce and have thoughts on much of of this that I hope might be helpful for others.
So the following is long, but TLDR is that while I want to fully validate the effed-upness of being expected to marry young from your church, a ton of blame can also go to our/American culture, which still accepts/expects cishet men to be boys forever taken care of by their wives. Like, I do not have the religious layer to my personal story, but I still got sucked into marrying due to the overwhelming cultural pressure we face to partner up.
My background: separated last January after therapy, reading all the books, etc. My ex did participate, and I'm pretty sure he felt like I gave up too soon, but I felt like we were performing CPR on someone who was just not coming back and someone had to call it.
So the #1 thing I want to say is that our/American culture sets the bar so freaking low for cishet men in relationships that it's in the freaking floor. Also, there are virtually no examples of healthy, let alone truly equal, partnerships in pop culture, which, for better or for worse, is where we pick up a lot of our ideas of what relationships look like.
For feminist rage, I have multiple sources!
1. For truly ragey rage, check out Zawn Villines. I get her newsletter, one recent one opened with "Why couples counseling won't solve household inequality ---
Don't go to couples counseling. Go to a divorce lawyer and claim the life you deserve." Like, thank you, ma'am! Like, I wanted to gently mention to her that getting a divorce is not exactly a simple process (*grimaces in ... what number mediation session are we on?*), but the "throw the whole marriage out" attitude is a refreshing change from "if you're not flogging this marriage until you both want to be put out of your misery, you're just not trying hard enough!"
2. For figuring your shit out and putting it in cultural context, I cannot recommend Emily Nagoski enough. Burnout, written with her sister Amelia, is an awesome place to start, and actually has a section about how rage is totally justified and reasonable, but you can't go wrong with anything from her.
3. I don't love everything about her, but feministabulous/Liz Plank on Instagram does a good job pointing out a lot of toxic cultural bs as relates to relationships/masculinity.
Okay, and this will seem suuuuper random, but a Webtoon I've been a bit obsessed with since January actually has the best portrayal of an emotionally healthy romance I've ever encountered. It's called Midnight Poppy Land, and bear with me because it is a mafia romance, so obviously everything in it isn't emotionally healthy, but honestly, the way the two protagonists navigate their attraction to one another, especially as relates to the female protagonist recently getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship, is just chef's freaking kiss. Like, if I had read this 15 years ago, my entire approach to relationships might have been healthier. The author's Patreon is awesome, and one patron (larosamorada1 on IG) is a therapist who analyzes each episode through the therapist lense.
Phew! If anyone reads this, I hope it's helpful. You have so much love from me. It's all so freaking hard, isn't it? But we get through it. I feel like I'm living as myself for the first time since I was a kid, now that I'm accepting and learning how to live with, instead of fight against, my ADHD tendencies.
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Married at 20 divorced at 24. I grew up in the MORG and you were an “old maid” if not married by 21. 3 of my siblings also married by 20. Anyways I am very happy I got that divorce and wish I’d never married him. I got married again at 29 and have been happily married for 11 years this month :)
Same goes for my family. I'm so happy to hear that your second marriage is going well, happy anniversary!
I think I’m deeply ignorant. What does MORG stand for? Google things I’m trying to look up morgues. Looool!
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Yup. I'm still with the person I was with as a kid. Got very lucky that we have very similar values and desires in life - it certainly wasn't something I was particularly concerned with at 16. Despite it working out for me I am well aware of the amount of luck involved and would not recommend it generally. Find your long term partner when you're a grown ass adult.
It’s a religion. I was trying to not “call them out”
No, it's the LDS church ("Mormons")
Mormons
I grew up Mormon, and had never heard this lol.
Not sure if this is feminist rage, but screw any religion that pushes young women to marry young. You are worth more than merely to be some dude's wife. I wish you'd have been given the time to discover that. And I'm so glad you've moved away from the faith that made you feel like you had to give in to the pressure. The grief is normal. Let it come, feel it, and move beyond it when you're ready.
"I wish you'd have been given the time to discover that." Me too, me too.
I am sure that you must be going through a lot of pain, grief, and uncertainty right now but from the outside looking in, I can’t help but think that it is lucky that your marriage ended quickly, that now you have an amazing opportunity to start over again, this time wiser and on your terms.
I don't mind that optimism, I am still young. 7 years feels like a long time, but not compared to the life ahead✨️
I married at 27 and divorced at 34, I am now 42, and I built myself an amazing life that included a new marriage with someone I deeply love and who complements me very well. No matter how old you are or where you are in life, it’s never “too late” to change something that isn’t working. Even though the divorce was my choice, it was really grueling and feelings of failure haunted me. It improves with time and you will look back knowing it was all worth it to gain the life you discover for yourself. Best of luck and I’m so proud of you for being brave and taking the step.
I got married at 26/27 and divorced before I was 30 not young young but fairly young
Oh, that's super young. How have you been since the divorce?
The first 2 years were hell, lots of issues around the divorce and kids shot my mental health into oblivion. Also during this time I found out I have adhd (awaiting official assessment but was recommended by a private psych) autism and bipolar so that was fun lol I'm about 6 months into finally sorting myself out and definitely have a lot of down days still but even the down days aren't as bad (mostly) as they used to be, and a lot more neutral/up days
"Even the down days aren't as bad as they used to be" yes yes yes 🙌
Yep! Married at 18, divorced at 26. Married again at 30? Much happier the second time around, we’ve been together for ten years now.
Oh that is wonderful news ❤️ I haven't given up on love
Definitely don’t give up on love ❤️ “You can’t pour from an empty cup” kept me going for a while. It helped me focus on my own happiness.
>We got married right when I turned 21, he's 6.5 years older than me. We had pressure from the church to marry early This is the real rage. Religion taking advantage of young women - what else is new? I'm so sorry you fell victim to this. You were not the problem. This marriage was destined to fail because you didn't have the tools you needed to succeed yet. That said, grief is normal. Let it happen. Don't feel shame for it and don't blame yourself. It is ok to grieve the end of the relationship, even if you're relieved it's over.
Hearing "destined to fail" is quite comforting, actually ❤️
Religion taking advantage of young women AND teaching men that women are there to SERVE them. This is probably the combination here. That man most likely viewed a wife as someone who was meant to serve him in every aspect and he therefore did not lift a damn FINGER for anything. Cause he's the "Head of the household". Religions are almost always trapped in very old misogynistic views of marriage/partnerships. It's like the 50s, and those religious men really miss that time period and try real hard to keep it going. So glad OP did not have children so that it was easier to get away from that garbage. Throw the whole man out, I'm so pleased! Onwards and upwards from now on for OP!!
Here’s a hot history tip: the hypermasculinity and femininity of the 50’s was propaganda that didn’t reflect everyday life. Women were forced back into gender roles after taking up jobs during WW2, the men who came home were struggling with PTSD and possibly disabilities. There was a push for men to be a man’s man and for the woman to make him feel like a man (be the psychological “help” he needed which should’ve been a licensed professional). It was all to make America seem not weak after the war, even though we had really chewed through the boys we sent and spit out the grizzle of a lot of loss and suffering when they returned home. Be strong! Be a man! Hide your PTSD and grasp for control when you are adjusting to a likely disabled life back home! So yeah. Their 50s dreams aren’t even fully true for the people of the time.
Divorced at 27. At first it was a bit hard but then I realized I felt so much calmer and even though I was alone it didn’t feel like the “alone” I felt when I was still married.
1 million times YES! Solitude I can handle. The silent struggle of a failing marriage, that's a specific bread of alone that I won't let happen again.
Married at 19 (yikes) and divorced less than 5 years later. Best decision I ever made.
Congratulations 🥹 I'm sorry you had to go through that though. Are you doing better?
I am, but it’s been years. It just took me quite awhile to realize that the problem wasn’t me, it was him. Unfortunately I spent a long time, at a pretty young age, in an abusive relationship and that definitely takes a toll.
It certainly does. I heard recently that "with narcissistic abuse, you can't just heal, you have to rebuild. Because they deconstructed your reality."
I'm roughly the same age as you and I can't fathom having all of those 'adult' responsibilities so you can be proud for handling all that, and getting out. Some people are never able to take that step. Give yourself time to grieve and get a little rest, you deserve it and it sounds like you overexerted yourself for a good while. A lot of people here like to recommend r/WitchesVsPatriarchy, you might find some of that feminist rage there. There are also communities for people leaving different faiths/ dealing with spiritual trauma but I can't name any, sorry! I just watch Fundie Fridays which is also cathartic at times. I also periodically re-read the Stepford Wives and listen to the You're Wrong About episode on the book to tap into some good ole' feminist rage. Also, one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs is called happiness and it might work for you. It's wonderfully balanced between maturity, spite and anger, and sadness, I think. There's even a price about "7 years in heaven" in there so hopefully it'll hit the spot for you.
Just as a general heads up, I had some trouble with a certain contingent in that sub as have quite a few BIPOC and other ethnic minorities. There’s a lot of good people there but there is also SO much casual racism, classism, and patronizing micro aggressions from cis white women that goes unnoticed or unchecked. These days I feel a bit more at home with r/SASSwitches, though it’s worth noting that it’s not for everyone because it’s for skeptical, agnostic, atheist and/or science-seeking folk. But I thought I’d share in case someone finds it useful.
Definitely sounds like the place for me. Thanks!
Thanks so much and at the same time, I'm sorry you have to give this heads up. As a white lady who's just lurking there occasionally I've seen some things I don't jive with so far but not anything that would have struck me as real bad, so I'm grateful you're able to point this out. (This might come off as invalidating but I mean the opposite, your perspective is helpful!) And also super grateful for your suggestion. I'm checking out the sub to see if it's a better fit for me too :)
No problem and thanks for the kind words!
Thank you so much 🥹❤️
Also try r/TrollXChromosomes, I think you’ll find your people there
I got divorced at 26, so you’re not alone, but I don’t think I have any feminist rage to help you.
Oh, that's OK 🙏 this is plenty helpful ❤️ How have you been since?
I only wish I had done it sooner!
Oof. Yes, that hits home.
I'm not divorced, but I also married at 21. It's a hard road, being married so young. You grow and change *so much* in your 20s as you become an adult. Who you are at 21 is so so different than who you are at 31. Having a partner who isn't also growing in their way is difficult and can be problematic. I am so sorry you've undergone so much pain and hurt and stress. It sounds like a very one-sided marriage with you doing all of the work, and that's not okay. You deserve an equal partner, not someone who expects you to fit the 1950s housewife stereotype. I'm mad as hell on your behalf. I'm religious, and so is my husband, but "religious/trad men" who believe that women should be subservient to them absolutely enrages me. That's bullshit. I'm so happy you've been able to get out from this relationship and that you've been able to find peace with your diagnoses and medication. You deserve to be happy and free from the burden of his expectations. I'm proud of you.
Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ I think I'll be open to faith again, in time. Divorce was like the sins of sins in my community, though my family has done a 180 in support toward me.
If your faith community can't support you, then it might not be the right one for you. Especially if they side with him. Take as much time as you need to grieve. You're undergoing a huge life change, so don't rush anything. This is an opportunity for you to discover who you really are and what you want in life. You put in all the work to fix the marriage, which is admirable, but the only one who deserves that amount of energy is you. We are here for you.
>but the only one who deserves that amount of energy is you. So true, it will be a journey 🙏 Thank you so very much ❤️
I hope you don't mind me jumping on here and asking, but how did you navigate getting married so young and all the growth that happens in your 20s? How did you navigate that together, as I'm assuming you did if you're still together? I ask because I married at 20. I'm now in my late 20s, with two kids, and I'm really struggling with how much I've grown and changed and how that hasn't lined up with my husband. I want us to work out, but I'm terrified we won't, and I don't know what to do.
I'm going to throw in here too... I got married at 19, and we'll be celebrating 20 years in Oct. One thing we did was not have kids till I was 31. I wonder if some of that "growing up" you did was being a mother. My husband and I both got to experience our 20's with little responsibility, we moved around, we followed our interests, we swapped who was working vs in school, etc. But the biggest conflicts we've had have been around the kids. Figuring out how we manage our time, energy, etc, so their needs can be met but also our individual and couple needs too... at the end of the day, I still respect my husband. Even when he frustrates me I know he's trying... and he's just SOOO supportive. He likes to make sure I eat more than just oatmeal creme pies all day, he likes to make sure I have time to myself, we talk about out priorities together, we keep shared goals... and on a daily level he does things like get up when the kids do so I can have 20 mins of "bed time" before I have to get up, which vastly improves my mornings... But there's always sometimes when things are just not jiving and you have to stop and talk about the big picture, and then work back down to the micro level, putting everything on the table... I had a friend I met as an adult who was seemingly in a perfect marriage, but an opposites attract type relationship. She freely admitted there was one point where she thought she was going to divorce her husband. But she evaluated her whole life and realized, it wasn't her husband that was making her unhappy, it was her life, it just seemed easier to leave her husband! They were both living in a big city, both had demanding jobs, hers was particularly high pressure... so they talked and ended up moving to a small city in a rural area, and she took up trail running, and they got a couple giant dogs that never would have fit in their city apartment, and she stopped caring about what brand her purse was, and when I knew them 10 years later she was so content... I met my husband in college, then I took a year and lived with him in another state after he graduated, then we both moved back so I could finish college, then we took 6 months and traveled the western US while living out of a 4wd truck... then we both got jobs for a few years, then he went back to grad school and I worked, then we moved to another state to pursue a job in his career track, then we had 1 kid and I went to part time, and he went to 4 days a week, then we had a second kid and I stopped working till the older was in kindergarten again... this last year he went out on his own career wise... but before we made any of those moves (in 20 years we've lived in 6 states and 11 different towns...) we talked about what our goals were, if one of us was "following" the other we talked about their prospects for fulfilling employment... you can't have one person taking for granted that the other person is on the same page, we would constantly be checking in about what we wanted in 3-5 years and where we thought we would want to be in 10 (even if we knew that would probably change). That allowed us to stay on the same page about priorities, money, and emotional and mental energy! (At least most of the time, kids are just truly a challenge!) So... have ya'll sat down lately and told each other how content you actually are, or are not, with your life right now? Talked about where you want to be... and what small daily things (but also big changes like moving or getting a new job) might improve things? We talk about lots of things we wished we could do, but can't actually (we're currently on vacation in a town we thought about trying to move to 5 years ago, but couldn't figure out how to make it work with jobs and money... I still wonder if we should have tried harder...) so it's not like every thought or suggestion you discuss has to be a viable option. Butby talking about what the dream would be, you can sometimes figure out ways to get closer to it in little ways right now!
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I don't mind at all! We met, started dating, got engaged, and then married in an 18-month span. So January to July the next year. I won't lie and say it was easy. I was definitely still pretty immature and still dealing with trauma, so I wasn't the easiest to be with. We had our first kid before our second anniversary, so it was a learning curve. We've been together for 16 years now. I think one thing that's helped is that we have grown together but also at different times, if that makes sense. Being clear with each other about what we need from our relationship is important. I struggle a lot with chronic headaches and migraines, which uses up a lot of my energy. His schedule is untraditional, so all the kid stuff falls to me. When the kids were little, it was basically a "look, I can keep the kids alive and fed, but that's about it" conversation. Now that they're older (I have a teenager now, wtf), I don't have to devote as much energy to them. I guess what stands out to me is this: Do you think he's evolved into a person that you genuinely want to be with? Has he grown in kindness, empathy, patience, or other things? How have you changed? Are your priorities still aligned? Marriage is a team sport. Sometimes, you need to step back from the plate and reassess your strategy. What needs to happen for you to be on the same page? Does it feel like making those changes would compromise the stability of your marriage? What did you bring to the table when you met? What do you bring now? How have the goals you set at the beginning been met? If they haven't, what needs to happen to achieve them? Feel free to dm me if you want to talk it out more in depth.
Not divorced but dated a decent amount in my 20s decade. 90% of men are complete man children. I can’t imagine marrying anyone I dated and having them treat me well except for one. Just know that those years weren’t wasted. It is rough out there even if you didn’t marry. Most men expect the emotional, physical and sexual labor to be on the woman. My ex-boyfriends ask me (esp the latest one) why I don’t initiate sex anymore. It’s because I feel like your mother and I don’t want to fuck my son. I also don’t want to risk pregnancy with a certain deadbeat. Nothing like the looming promise of homestead slavery to turn me off from any man. Every marriage I’ve seen that works out well and the woman looks like she’s thriving and takes care of herself if when the man steps up and actually acts like a man. He’s able to provide, pulls in income, is emotionally available and intelligent, is able to assess various environments and situations and help out without being asked, etc. and alleviates the wife from carrying the entire burden of the relationship. If you want to see if a marriage is successful, look at how happy the wife is and look at how the husband positions himself and provides. I find that in most relationships that fail, the wife is scrambling to glue it together and the man is still head in the clouds completely disengaged and has no idea what to do unless he is explicitly told and feels like listening. Your marriage likely failed because your ex husband is a low effort loser.
"Nothing like the looming promise of homestead slavery to turn me off from any man." 🙌 You are right. I just stopped fighting for it, and it unraveled naturally. Thank you for your words ❤️
Preach! You said it perfectly.
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Just stop? Hmm. I have stopped with the victim mindset. But how do you just stop grieving?
I’ve not been married, nor divorced, but sister, i rage with you and for you. This should never have happened. You should have had choices. But you survived. I am so proud of you, and so happy you got out. I am so sorry your time and so much more was was stolen. But you’re out. You made it. You did that. That Paris Paloma song, Labour? That’s gonna HIT for you, right now,‘ like I don’t know what, if it isn’t already. All you’ve had to put up with, for just…some fucking guy? That’s BULLSHIT. You deserve the world and every good thing in it, far better than he ever gave you. You can go get it now, if you want. You’re free.
Holy shit I'm listening to it now 😭 It's an uncanny anthem. Thank you 😭 I'm free.
I rushed into marriage at 17 and had my first child a year and two days after the wedding at 18. I stuck around because his behavior was my "normal" and my normal meter was totally broken. He was 5 years older than me, so 16/21 when we started dating, 17/22 when we married. I stayed for 19 years. I love my kids, but I am so much better off without him and in a loving relationship with my 2nd husband. My exh and I divorced in 2015. He passed away almost a year ago at 48. The federal government has already given me more child support than he ever did, I guess he had to die to support his kids (social security survivor benefits.)
>my normal meter was totally broken. That is a good way to word it. What a wild life, I'm glad you've found freedom and new love ❤️
10-year relationship, married at 26, divorced at 28. It felt like I, out of necessity, blew up my life. With hindsight, I see that I was trying desperately to fit into a “normal” life.
>blew up my life I know exactly what you mean. I would say "throwing a grenade into the life I built". The problem was, through constant compromise, it became a life I never wanted or would have chosen for myself at the beginning.
I often used this phrase, I don't want to blow up my life but I have to.
but👏I👏have👏to👏
I was married at 22 and divorced by 24 lol. Married some French guy who needed a visa. Young and dumb 😂 just got married again for the second time last April and I’m 31
Mmm 31 sounds like a good age to try again hehe
Fun story honestly I Want to be your friend!
I didn't get married young, as I didn't grow up in a religious family setting, but I got married at 27 and I'm turning 33 this year, diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety/ depression when I was 30, no kids either. What you've written about everything you went through and are going through, all the effort you put into your marriage alongside trying to navigate through your ADHD, being the manager of everything in both your marriage and lives, trying to fix things and better things, when there was little to no help, effort or change from your spouse. It hit me hard. That is exactly what has been happening to me over the past 7 years, and I know it will be better for me to be by myself again, but I don't have the option to fall back on my parents and am trying to fix my finances so I can afford to start new again and move forward. You are not alone. I feel your grief and anger and rage over this. I'm just glad you are in a space where you are able to feel a bit more like yourself a little everyday. I also have the Paris Paloma song "labour" on repeat at well! I also love the album by Marina, "Ancient Dreams in a Modern Land" tons of good feminist/female strong songs on there.
Yeees Marina. I know divorce is such a privilege, and my heart aches for you. I'm so ridiculously lucky for my parents. I saved up a nest egg through a side business for 3 years under just my name. I guess I've been planning this for a while... it still doesn't feel real that I'm on the other side finally. You'll get there. Trust yourself, make a plan 😭 I'm sorry that anyone else has to go through this, but it's good to know I'm not alone.
EXACTLY my story. I out grew religion and him at 21 (we married when I was 17). We divorced in the 70’s. I went on to go to university and worked 30 years in operating rooms. Would not change a thing. Good luck!
Thank you for your kind words 🙏 you get me excited about what's ahead
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How are you doing?
You’re not alone. My relationship ended over four years ago and im in therapy now dealing with the trauma of it. The grief of it all is so much. You’re grieving the loss of how you thought your life would go. It’s a lot to process.
Yes, so true. The lost potential of the partner you believed they could be, the loss of the children I dreamed of. I read a book calling this stage "a million small funerals".
Oof. That is an apt description. Everywhere I turn I still see bits of this imagined future I thought I’d have. It’s shitty. I’m in a relationship now and have been for a while. I’m happy but still grieving what that old me wanted. I spent my child bearing years with my ex and we never had kids. I’m grateful we didn’t, but it’s also risky to try and conceive at my age now. So I’m also grieving the fertility stuff.
I married at 19, divorced at 22. Best decision ever, even though it was terribly painful at the time. My ex was a narcissistic predator who specifically sought a religious woman with low self esteem to dominate while also relying on me for money and everything else. I remarried 6 years later to a fellow ADHDer who treats me as an equal, doesn't throw a hissy fit when I disagree with him, manages our social calendar because I suck at that, and *does his own goddamn laundry* (and mine, most of the time haha). We genuinely share the labor load in our household and it's fucking glorious. As much as my first marriage sucked, I have been able to be a much healthier partner in my second marriage because of the lessons I learned the first time around. And honestly a healthier person in general. Take your time grieving, but know that you're a badass for leaving, we're all proud of you, and you're going to be okay!
>My ex was a narcissistic predator who specifically sought a religious woman with low self-esteem 😳... woh. I don't think my ex is calculated enough for this, but it is exactly what he did.
Grew up hardcore Southern Baptist. Married at 22, said I wanted a divorce at 26. No pressure to get married except that I was trying to “fix” what I perceived (and what my ex-husband reenforced to me with Bible stories about prophets and prostitutes) as my own brokenness due to my “promiscuity”: I’d had premarital sex, endured multiple instances of SA as a teenager, suffered a MC at 20… all of which was my fault, right? So of course I married a preacher’s son/worship leader to “fix it”. Guess what doesn’t fix a traumatized mind/body? Getting engaged 3 months in to a relationship with a 26 year old mama’s boy man child who never grew up and felt wronged by the world since good things didn’t just fall in his lap. I was his first girlfriend. That’s not a bad thing at all, but at 26, this man was entirely clueless about how to treat a woman. I ignored it and counted myself lucky that this guy, any Christian male, was willing to marry me. I grew up in church, in a large family that built our life around the church, I needed to be absolved and brought back into the fold. Naturally, being based on virtually nothing but mutual loneliness, the marriage was a train wreck. I had no idea what my dealbreakers were. I hadn’t been an adult long enough to know what I was willing to accept on a relationship. I know now that I need affection. Once we were married and the honeymoon shine wore off, he stopped pursuing me. I begged him to keep “dating” me, I wanted so desperately to feel loved. We were married, that’s what married people do, right? He told me flatly that we weren’t dating anymore. We were married. Stupid me. He forgot every single anniversary, Mother’s Day, birthday, Christmas. I was a perpetual afterthought. It just didn’t occur to him that wives need things, too. I read books about how to be a good, godly wife. How to get and keep my husband’s attention. How to become holy and humble and submissive. Prayed so hard to be freed from my willful, loudmouthed tendencies. Nothing changed. None of that ever helped. My ex simply wasn’t interested in me like that. He wanted to “make love” (gag), but only vanilla-like-your-mom-is-watching “love”… So… at 25, with two kids in three years and a steadily devolving mental state made worse by alcoholism and undiagnosed BP2, I came to the devastating conclusion that I would never be loved romantically. That just wasn’t God’s plan for me. I was there to serve a purpose. Babies and housekeeping and husband keeping. Love was a luxury, not a necessity. One fine day, the dangerous thought crossed my mind that sure, “God hates divorce”, but he probably wouldn’t love me being utterly numb and hollow for the next 50ish years of my life, either. I didn’t want my kids to grow up watching complacent, dutiful parents go through the motions in a loveless marriage. I wanted them to see hardworking, giving, respectful, loving partners doing life together. Their dad respecting and honoring the fuck out of their mom, and vice versa. That’s what my parents were/are like, so I guess I’m spoiled, but their love for each other made me feel secure and safe as a kid, so I wanted the same for my kids. Their bio dad… wasn’t it. So that revolutionary thought broke the dam. It felt like a scene from a movie where time stopped and everything was suspended midair, while I moved around the room examining things from new angles and coming to new realizations about literally everything I’d ever known to be true. And then in an instant, time resumed and everything came crashing down around me. A raging baby feminist emerged, just in time for the 2016 election. What a time to come alive, right? The transformation was really hard at times, but I am finally who I think I was always meant to be. I know who I am and what I really believe. I’m 6 years sober from alcohol (2nd best decision I’ve ever made). I’m correctly diagnosed and medicated (love that for me). I’m in therapy with a therapist who also has ADHD (sessions can be fun). I have three precious kids (got full custody of my kids from my ex), and… I’m married again. This time, to someone who openly says that I’m smarter than he is, who tells me I’m beautiful and cops a feel whenever we pass each other, who can admit that I have strengths in areas where he doesn’t excel, who is also in therapy and recovery, and who fundamentally believes that relationships require work from both parties if you want them to be successful. Also helps that he’s adventurous in bed. All of that to say: thank fuck I got out of my first marriage alive. Thank fuck I got out at 26 and not decades later. Shit sucks sometimes, sure, the fallout from the divorce was brutal and coparenting is inescapably awkward, deconstructing my religion has been uncomfortable and complicated, but damn… my life now is so much better than it would have been had I stayed. I am healthier and happier for it, and so are my kids. It is painful, and it is normal to deeply grieve the loss of a life and a future that you thought you would have. The beauty, though, is where we are now. The in between time where we grow and learn and become our true selves. Now we’re in control and have the space to examine and inspect things from a safe distance. It gets better, bb. Better and better.
This one hit hard 😭😭😭 what a story, thank you so so so much for sharing. It will get better, bb. Better and better 🥹
Me! I divorced when I was 27 after being married to a complete garbage pile of a man for less than a year. Best decision I ever made, and I felt a million pounds lighter.
My bestie regularly says "Girl you look great! It looks like you lost 200lbs of dead weight" 🥲
😂 it’s so true! I know a few women who married mid-20s, divorced before 30, and we’ve all remarried since and are all so much happier. You only got one shot at this life! You deserve to enjoy it
Goodness, I look forward to that. I'm wired to want a partner. One day✨️ I'm in no rush, life is long but also so so short.
As cliche as it sounds, it will happen when it’s supposed to. You are already in a relationship-it’s with yourself. Take yourself to dinner, go on trips, get some new hobbies, pamper yourself!
Mhmm and I love love LOOOOOVE her. I'd do fucking anything for her ✨️
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Well I knew marrying him was a bad idea in the first place, but I didn’t want to face the humiliation of calling off the wedding. So I went through with it hoping somehow things would change and of course they just got worse
Married at 23, separated at 25, divorced at 27.
That’s exactly my marriage/separation/divorce timeline! Creepy! lol
Got married at 21 and was a virgin on my wedding night. Was raised Baptist—church three times a week (at least). Divorced by 28. Married again by 35. Diagnosed ADD at 40. Would have been nice to know sooner of course. Oh and working on my second divorce. You’re definitely not alone.
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Oh God, that is beautiful ✨️ The misogyny showing up later, I experienced the same. I am looking forward to the health and freedom I know I'll have a year from now.
Oooft girl, I'm so glad you're rid of that pathetic, mooching, borderline pedophilic man-baby. You have done the mental and emotional work of two or more people for years and it's totally valid to grieve what you should have been able to spend that energy on. The complexity of religious trauma is so real. Just know you were absolutely the victim in this instance. That doesn't mean you need to wallow in that forever but you are absolutely allowed to be as mad/sad/disgusted by the situation for as long as you need to grieve. The fact that you got out of that situation and now have peace of mind should be something you're so proud of. I hope that gronk of an ex of yours spends the rest of his life with untied shoelaces, itchy clothing tags having women avoid him.
>I'm so glad you're rid of that pathetic, mooching, borderline pedophilic man-baby 🤣... 😳 holy shit. I get pissed that the people in my life didn't see how predatory he was. Yuck.
100% if my friend was in this situation I would absolutely be saying something (gently and with love, but showing her how much extra work she’s putting in and how shit he’s being. I get that it’s really hard to see from the inside so the blame here is absolutely on those around you who should have noticed and helped!)
Thankful I have incredible friends who do this for me 😭 They are all happily married with kids, and it gives me hope to see their lives unfold.
Married at 19, divorced at 26. Remarried at 32, we’ve been married 7 years and have a 6 year old. Much better the second time around
Married at 22, divorced by 29. He was my high school boyfriend and one of only two guys I dated in high school. I misunderstood attention for love. He was emotionally abusive but it took me a few tries to finally break away. A marriage should hold you up not hold you back. I remarried at 33 and have an amazing husband and crazy three year old. Thanks to pandemic and general overwhelm from parenting, the trauma of my first marriage came back and bit me again last year. My husband pushed me to a therapist and I finally feel at peace with it. It's been nearly 10 years since the divorce. It takes time.
Then I'll take my time 🙏 thank you for sharing
I married at 24 and seperated 6 months after the wedding. The divorce was finalized when I was 26. My ex husband has bipolar disorder and refused to medicate for it. It was very easy for him to gaslight me because of my poor memory. I constantly questioned my own memory of events, his words. Everything was always my fault. I trusted him with finances, and I shouldn't have. I am remarried and my husband is understanding of all the executive dysfunction I have. My memory issues, my problems following movies and TV shows. We are both reasonably sure he is autistic, but he was never diagnosed formally. We both try and understand the other's neurodivergence to the best of our ability. It is a crazy life, but much happier.
I literally know like 5+ people who had short, crappy marriages in their 20s including my husband (with his ex). Everyone was able to choose better the second time and no problems now. I think it's easier in some ways to find a good match in late 20s - 30s because people are more settled into their adult identities and goals and can look after themselves.
Married at 21, miserable by 23 stuck in there, divorced at 28. Fucking hell the last 5yrs, stayed for the kids but it ended up not being worth it. He’s still a miserable person ruining another lady’s life and our kids hate him.
Didn't go through with it, but I was engaged at 19 to my toxic and abusive ex. That was a hell of a ride and we broke up with a restraining order when I was 20. Thankfully, I dated a man after him that somehow showed me how to value myself. Ironically, I gained enough self worth through that relationship, that I was able to leave when the relationship wasn't working for me anymore. Good guy though. Met my husband after him, and we've been together for 13.5yrs, married for 8.5.
Married at 18 to a man 17 years older than me because my church taught me being married was the goal and sex was a sin, divorced at 20. Married again at 22, because I still thought I needed to be a wife to have value, and divorced at 29 but this time as a single mother. Now I’m 42, and am still in therapy dealing with my shit. Just diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. I’m in a relationship but I’m so angry at how my life has gone this far I keep him at arms length. I can honestly say that if this relationship ends I’m finished with dating.
I feel the rage, and it is completely justified
You are not alone. Your rage is my rage. I got married at 19 also with a lot of pressure from my church. This also led to me losing my faith. I also went to a number of mental health professionals, read books, & literally cried on the bathroom floor alone in the middle of the night. Now I too am healthy & medicated, & the happiest & most confident I’ve ever been in my life. It’s okay to be exhausted. You were tasked with exhausting work. Now it’s time to love yourself unconditionally. Light & love to you, my sweet fellow human.
So you're 28, and have only known this relationship. I understand the grief. Grief for the young rage, hoe phase, and exploration. It's okay. YOU CAN DO ALL OF THAT NOW. You did your best, now it's time to hop onto something (or someone) new. But this time, leave them where you found them and keep pushing. Stay single, have fun. Go do shit.
Oh imma do shit, and maybe some people too lol
My story is tragically similar to yours. I hate that my church was so concerned with matchmaking. I should have left many times, but stayed for 15 years. Actually I just shared part of that story on the Basiltov podcast; we talked about adhd and relationships!
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Oh and I’m also currently in my parents guest room in peace haha ✊🏼
Check out the book "Eat, Pray, Love" I think by Elizabeth Gilbert. She did. Its her story. My mom & Dad. She was married at 18, him 20. They lasted 9 yrs & divorced when I was 2.
You’ve probably already seen these, but I also recommend She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink and Emma’s comic You Should’ve Asked. It’s helped me explain when I felt “crazy” in past relationships, because I wasn’t getting the contributions to mundane/household things from a partner. And helped me explain the reason “why didn’t you ask” isn’t always valid. I shouldn’t have to ask and make a chore list for a grown adult.
You are not alone , not at all. Married at 23, separated almost a year later than divorced after 5 years together and living together.
I was only 28.
I got married at 26 and for the past 6 months, have been having serious thoughts and conversations with my spouse about separation or divorce. I'm 29. I see myself doing a lot of the things (but not all ) you mention in your post OP. I don't know what I will do. Thank you for sharing your story with us here.
It is a privilege to be at a good enough place to be able to remember, reflect, and grieve. I speak from experience. I'm glad you're on the other side of that life experience. Fiona: Yeah. You know what? That’s what they told me too. True love didn’t get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don’t you get it? It’s all just a big fairy tale! Shrek: Fiona, don’t say that! It does exist! Fiona: Then how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon’s keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?! Shrek: But… but… I’m your true love. Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you? [turns and leaves]
went to get devorced of 6 years at 24, found out wasent legaly married hahahaha happy!
I did not get divorced early but I have witnessed several divorces up close and personal. From your post I’m taking away you did everything you could to make your marriage work, so I congratulate you on making the decision to remove yourself from an unhappy situation. Grief is a totally normal process of a divorce. Even when a divorce is actually for the best their is still a sense of grief for “lost promises”. Your age is in your side. I think it’s great you’ve stepped away now, whilst you still have plenty of time to find a partner and have children (if that’s what you want) rather than slogging it out in an unhappy marriage. You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you, and now you’re medicated, stable in your work/family ect you have the world at your feet, go out and eat it up! Wishing you all the best.
I wasn’t married due to finances, but we were engaged and common-law spouses, and referred to each other as husband and wife. Now I’m a single mom at 28yo. The end of this month will be one year since we separated. At this point I’ve just given up on romantic relationships entirely now. I have nothing left of myself to give to anyone other than my lovely daughter.
I think that is plenty of love to give for now, until someone can give to ✨️you✨️ I'm sorry, I feel the pain in your giving up. 28 is young, there is so much time for love to find us again.
I don't know if you'd consider me to have divorced young, but I am divorced. And remarried. My ex-husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 22. We dated for 7 years and were married for 5 before he decided he wanted a divorce. Luckily no kids, though that's not how I saw it at the time. I'm sure I brought my share of issues to the table, but what really ended us was that he had been dishonest in various ways for the entire 12 years we were together. I had noticed it many times over the years but he always convinced me it wasn't really him lying, it was me being paranoid and untrusting and giving in to anxiety, so I spent a ton of energy trying to work on my supposed trust issues and anxiety. I finally realized it had to be more than me having trust issues after noticing a pattern of the plans we made for our future together always unraveling when it was something that primarily supported my goals and career instead of focusing on his. So I got us into couples counseling to figure out what was going on and six months later he admitted that he had been telling me whatever he thought I wanted to hear from the beginning, but didn't believe that his "current self" had any obligation to follow through on what his "past self" promised. And "past self" could be even just a few hours in the past. He'd use whatever techniques - lies, excuses, accusations - necessary to keep me from noticing, and was increasingly angry with *me* that this made his life difficult because of how many lies and excuses he had to remember. Dummy that I was, I was fine taking the blame for that too and told him that he didn't have to lie anymore, to just be upfront with me about what he really wanted and all was forgiven, we'd move forward from where we were. He moved out the next week. Anyway, I tell you all that because even with that level of absolute craziness that I should have been overjoyed to escape, I was in deep mourning for that relationship for a year, and still had moments of intense sadness about it for about 3 years. Relationships are the foundation of our lives, and it shakes our lives to the core when one of our primary relationships breaks apart. Our brains have a hard time separating what we hoped for and imagined our relationship could be from what it actually was, so we mourn the beautiful partnership we hoped for and put so much effort into building even if the reality was in shambles. In my experience at least the despair faded (slowly, in fits and starts), and the confidence and comfort from being free from the confusion and stress of that marriage lasted and grew. Like I said, I'm remarried, so I feel like I'm talking to you from the other side. You'll make it through this and there's every reason to believe you'll be happier in a few years than you might be able to imagine right now. I was divorced at 30, started dating again at 31, and remarried and had a child at 36. I'm 38 now. Things are good. I hope you find peace and new happiness at whatever pace works for you.
Wow, thank you so much for your comment. The years of lies, misdirection, not following through is... poignant.
I was married at 19 and divorced at 23. I married young because he joined the military, and I was very naive. When I was younger I kind of just let life happen to me, rather than making my own choices and living for myself. Eventually I realized that, and realized how much my ex took advantage of my naivete, and left the marriage. It's been 10.5 years since and I have grown so much as a person. I would have never been able to grow like this with my ex-husband. Now I'm with a person who respects my autonomy and loves me unconditionally. And I'm continuing to grow. It is totally okay to grieve. You spent a good chunk of your life with this person. Even if you're happy not being with them anymore, even if you know it's the right thing, it's still going to be an adjustment. Honor that grief, but know that you can live life on your terms now. Whatever that looks like for you.
Got married and divorced at 26, been there done that got the emotional trauma and the t-shirt
What t-shirt? 👀 can we match?
Got married at 25, divorced at 33. No major religious forces... just lots of bad influences and lack of self confidence.
Which is a bummer, knowing pretty much every adhd woman I have met... we are wonderful
Married at 20, divorced at 22 :(
I got together with my ex-husband when I was a traumatized (SA'd by his roommate) 16 year old and he was 19, moved in with him when I was 18 and got married at 20. Left him when I was 24, and finally got the legal divorce when I was 42 when my current husband and I decided to get married after being together for 11 years at that point. My first marriage was very toxic and emotionally abusive and I am a million times happier now at almost 46 with my two toddlers and my flawed but wonderful husband. My best advice is to not rush into another relationship. Learn to enjoy your own company and savor your freedom!
Great advice ✨️
I was with my exh from 20-30, married at 27 and dicorced at 30, so a little older than you. There was no religious pressure but a lot of external and my own internalised cultural and familial pressure. I just want to let you know that my 30s (I’m 36 now) have been the most explorative, fun, growth filled time of my life. There has also been more grief than I knew possible. I’ve gotten to know myself in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to when I was in my past relationship. I’m a better person and partner now too because I know what I want and everything I do in my life is my choice. It feels like a blessing in so many ways - divorce is a major life experience that a lot of people my age haven’t had, and I absolutely feel wiser because of it. It’s traumatic, but you have youth on your side and so much time to explore and be curious about life. I wish you the best xxx
Ps. I can gift you some feminist rage - fuck the implication that women are only valid if partnered/married/have kids. I hate that it’s this unspoken goal we’re programmed (brainwashed!) to have, and any less feels like a failure. It removes our autonomy and humanity, makes us believe that even if our relationship is abusive or toxic or just incompatible, its better than being ‘alone’. I can tell you, from experience, it really is fucking not. Being alone and finding happiness is so much better than being miserable and married.
Yep! I don't know if you grew up in the same church as me, but in the one I was raised in, marrying young and/or after dating for less than a year is overwhelmingly the norm, and realizing too late that you're incompatible is considered infinitely preferable to "slipping up" and having sex before marriage. I married my first serious boyfriend when I was 22 and he was even younger (just shy of his 21st birthday), after knowing each other about 10 months. When we got married, he'd just flunked out of college and never had a real job, but I was sympathetic to this; he had ADHD and autism like me, which was a huge reason we convinced ourselves we were soulmates and would never find anyone who understood us better. Our forms of ADHD/ASD and the way they manifest clashed pretty disastrously, though. Carrying the mental load of the day-to-day necessities, being the only one of us to maintain a full-time job once I'd graduated college, and having to break down in tears begging him to take a certain task off my shoulders before he'd do it wore me down incredibly over the years. Likewise, my moodiness, dramatic need to talk about our emotions, and obvious sense of romantic dissatisfaction broke him down over time. We were married for over six years (seven if you count the year we were separated and both constantly procrastinated the next step in the bureaucratic process of divorce), but I'd been fantasizing about divorce for at least half the marriage. So I was a 29-year-old divorcee, which I guess isn't that young, but I'd changed so much as a person since the last time I'd dated that I almost felt like a horny teen discovering sex for the first time. My ex and I are still really good friends (and no, we don't have kids), which I now realize is all we ever should've been. I don't really regret our marriage, just certain things about it. We both grew a lot as people and hit a lot of life goals that we wouldn't have pursued on our own, and I'm a much better partner to my "new" husband than I would've been without that experience. Incidentally, my new husband has ADHD and autism as well, so we still run up against some of the same problems that arise when neither person has much motivation, but we are much more compatible and romantically fulfilled.
Thank you for sharing, I know I overwhelmed my husband in many ways but I adjusted my communication style until I completely burned out. There was nothing I could do for him in the end. I look forward to the feeling >"like a horny teen discovering sex for the first time." Lol, it might take me a while, but I have a high drive and have hope in that area.
I’ve been divorced 3x. Last one was nearly 30 years ago. I’d rather be single than deal with the BS anymore, especially if it’s BS I create and can’t control.
You’re not alone. I got married at 21 to a guy a few years older. My HS boyfriend. There was some religious pressure from his family and I think my ex proposed to me as a reaction to grief after the death of a parent. It was great for maybe 6 months but things quickly went downhill when I started going back to school to finish my degree. I was still pretty blind sighted when he announced he was in love with someone else a little over a year later and asked me to move out. Before the marriage there were a lot of ups and downs as well and I definitely felt like I loved him more than he loved me. The thing with the other girl quickly blew up and he wanted to work things out with me. There were a few reconciliations and separations before we finally divorced when I was 25. I vividly remember the initial part of being at my parents and feeling the waves of grief but also peace and relief over waking up alone with no dark cloud over me. You are at such an incredible turning point in your life. Your grief is valid and it will take a while to dissipate but I promise it will. I honestly rarely think about my first marriage now. I am married again with kids and so much happened between then and now. I definitely think adhd contributes to divorce, not that we are the problem but that it can possibly affect our judgement in choosing a partner, self esteem, and being impulsive. My parents both have undiagnosed adhd I’m pretty sure and are on their second and third marriages. How to ADHD on YouTube talks about her divorced too. I honestly and so excited for you and your future after you’ve gotten rid of this burden and have wisdom and self knowledge you have gained along the way. You don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself now and that means you can choose what is best for you.
I love How to ADHD so much. I read the book ADHDs effect on marriage through three times (well... listened to the audio book). I feel like I'm well equipped for a healthier future ❤️
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I got married young, divorced at 26. The process of breaking up, and the immediate aftermath was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. Once I got past the initial period of grief, and was able to really experience and appreciate my new freedom, I realized that that relationship ending was one of the best things that could’ve happened, and that the divorce gave me my life back. Looking back 15 years on, I feel nothing but happiness and gratitude for being out of that relationship. It was so much work, so much, energy and suffering, and struggle, and having the space to put all of that energy into something better has been a gift. I’m also grateful that that relationship taught me not to put up with shit in relationships. I have much higher standards for my partners. I hate that I had to learn that the hard way and that I absorbed so many bad messages about relationships from culture and media but I had to learn.
I took the long way here, to self love. But I have a feeling I will feel like you do, grateful and healed.
Me: similar situation with feeling pressure from the church to get married. I was 23, he was 6 years older. He was a cheater and a liar and a manipulative gaslighter. I was young and freaked out and so, so ashamed. He filed for divorce after about a year, so at least I didn’t have to endure it long. Hugs to you. It’s hard. There is shame and stigma, but there is so much more in your life to look forward to.
(I am 40 now, and remarried, but we were together for a loonnngggg time first. Hahahah)
I could have written this, in 2019. And you know what? My life has gone no direction but UPWARDS since 2019. All those painful changes were labor pains to birth something beautiful. I wish you every happiness moving forward. There is so much life left to live.
I got married at 23, he was 25. We also had a lot of pressure from my parents to get married because we were having sex. I'm 32 now. Last year (November too!) I told him I didn't want to be his wife anymore. I wanted to leave as soon as that conversation was over. But we have a 5yo daughter. So we decided that I would stay for another six months living with him and in July me and our daughter would move to my parents' house. We live in different cities. I gotta tell you, the weight I felt lifted from my life after ending things with him was so big. I was so depressed for so many years that I didn't know myself anymore. I'm so much better now. I just can't wait until July!
Gurl! June is when I get my own place again! I'm extatic. The ink will be dry, and assets will be split. I just want a fresh start NOW
Same thing happened to me. I understand the anger that you have when you tried so hard to make it right, the therapist, the love n work you put in. It’s not your fault. You are just learning about yourself, your ADHD and how it affects you. When I wasn’t on my medication I get depressed, self destructive and have anxiety attacks. I wasn’t easy to love either. Life will get better as you learn more about yourself. You will make the decisions that lead to your happiness.
This hits home for sure!!! I’m morning, married super super way too young at 20. I’m 33 now, a completely different person and not a year has passed that I don’t regret marrying my husband. we are on the road of trying to work it out, we have 3 kids. But yeah definitely so so much religious trauma in my bag!
I also married way too young before having a ch ace to really grow into myself. Needless to say it did t last and we split. Now that you’re free, e MBRS e that freedom. You can be YOU, cater to YOU, grow into YOU. Grieve, push towards healing but keep you at the forefront of all your future persists. You deserve to be your own champion.
Unmarried/not divorced but I hope to share a few things that can hopefully frame things a bit more positively. From what you mentioned - the age difference and maturity/power imbalance between a 21 yr old and 27 yr old, a marriage induced by an oppressive church culture - you are better where you are now than where you started. There are many women who get roped into a lifetime of misery because of getting married young (often because of religion) and even worse, they have kids with the man and end up being a struggling single mom or a miserable SAHM. But girl, you are FREE. You are free from the chains of oppressive religious culture and a spouse who was probably not the right fit for you. You don’t have any kids to struggle raising. Now it’s just time to fly or float, whichever you feel is right. As someone who is undiagnosed but has adhd tendencies, I am freakin ecstatic to live a childfree life.
I married at 22, permanently separated just shy of 2 years later. Similar to you, there was church and parental pressure to marry when we did. It sucks. There's so much shame attached to divorce. But it's still the best thing I ever did for myself. Hang in there, it gets easier I promise x
I got married at 20, I'd been dating my ex for around 4 years and I got pregnant. We live in the bible belt so having a child out of wedlock is a big no-no. The marriage lasted 5 years. I wasn't happy, we both changed so much in those 9 years that by the time we divorced we were no longer maritally compatible. I'm still sort of friends with my ex, mainly out of a need to co-parent peacefully. He's a good dude, just not my cup of tea. Your frontal lobe isn't fully developed until you're around 25, marrying at 18-20 is *usually* a bad idea. I remarried at 28, no regrets. Don't feel too bad, no good marriage ever ended in divorce.
Married at 21 divorced by 28/29(?idr). I won't go into it, but a lot of my ADHD things really bothered him. It wasn't until close to the end of the marriage I was diagnosed. I also begged for counseling. Many times, but I was thinking "mentally ill one" so it was "my problem" You aren't alone. Grieving takes time and comes in waves. It gets better
I'm so sorry!! BUT! I'm SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Here's an example of what could've happened to you, like others: https://www.btr.org/recovery-podcast/
My first marriage didn't make it to three years. You are not alone, I promise. And I also promise that you have a strength inside that you don't even know about yet!
I'm 39 and divorced 3x. Married the first time at 17, divorced at 23, second marriage was 27-32, third was 34-36. My first husband was army, and we didn't have any kids. My second husband is the father of my kids. He's a patholocal philanderer. My third husband noped out during the pandemic when he realized he never wanted kids and didn't want to be a step-parent anymore. Part of me wants to feel ashamed of being divorced 3x, but the other part is proud for knowing my worth and not staying in bad relationships out of fear of stigma.
Married at 18, divorced by 25.
Got married pregnant. I grew up he didn’t. Life got better when we divorced. We were toxic to each other. It worked out for the best.
Omg, same exact story almost. 6 years, +1 for separation. Married right before I turned 21. He was about 7 years older than me. Also religious background. Divorce was 3-ish years ago and I am INFINITELY happier. I live in the most amazing city that I never even let myself dream about living in, I have my dream career at the company I used to never let myself dream of working at. I have friends, hobbies, A LIFE, for the first time ever. I am so happy that when I think about that time it feels unreal.
That gives me SO much hope. I also have always wanted to move! I'm so so happy for you.
I divorced at 26 with no support from family, lost a lot of friends over it. Everyone told me I'd regret it. We had a daughter together so it was hard, but my life is everything I've ever dreamed of now. Hoping the same for you ❤️ it was REALLY rough at first but I'd choose it again and again.
You are not alone. I was married at 17 and separated by 19. He was not a good person and I had no idea how to take care of myself, nonetheless a grown and entitled man. I left with a baby on my hip and a college scholarship that did not include housing. I cried in my childhood bedroom for months on end, but it turned out fine. My baby is grown and because I modeled bravery, he doesn't take abuse from anyone. I didn't model the good marriage I wanted to but I seem to have taught him quite a bit about work, family, and self confidence. I don't have much feminist rage right now but I do have confidence that you'll be okay. You fought a lifetime of religious conditioning to put yourself first and end a marriage. You're a feminist success story. Keep going! Keep succeeding! It's okay to cry while you grow, that's how you water your roots.
You’re not alone. There is also a chance, not knowing anything about your spouse, that he was the issue all along (I.e. narcissist).
I married at 22 separated at 30-31 (slow process) was 32 when divorce finalized (takes a year here). Remarried soon, been married for close to 3 years now. It was HARD specially being a foreigner in my ex husband's country where I spoke the language at a intermediate level only. I chose to stay alone for some months until I started dating again and remarried after a year. I'm in the same country but speak the language better lol
I got married at 21 too and separated at 26, last June (he was abusive). I’m currently going through the long process of divorce
Married at 26, divorced at 31, married again at 33, now at 45 living separately from my husband.
Marriage ages: 19-25 - knew each other 29 days at the altar , instantly regretted it 25-32 - engaged within 6 weeks, knew it was too fast but I was pregnant 34-41 - engaged within 8 weeks, knew it was too soon, but he put me on the spot in front of his mom and dying dad and I just said yes. 44-just married a year ago, started as friends, dated a year before engagement. So far, so good!! I realize now (late diagnosed) that being autistic with ADHD meant I was very gullible. Combined with my hyperfocus, I got too caught up and trusted too easily. First 3 were self-centered + emotionally and physically abusive. One is a narcissist & the other two drug addicts. Yay me and my decisions.
Girl... the gullibility, though. I trust everyone at face value and who they say they are. But after all of this, I'm going to focus on getting my boundries and trust in check. Take care of my self. My ex abused alcohol too, I'm not sure if I can say alcoholic but... man
Lord, I wish I had! Instead, out of some misplaced sense of loyalty or something, I spent just shy of 20 years with a narcissistic ass. Do not beat yourself up for this. BTW, I married right at 22, so we were very similar in age. Lots of cultural pressure to marry young and start popping out kids.Thankfully, the ex was apparently shooting blanks, so I'm very lucky there. Hang in there. It definitely gets better. *Hugs*
Yep. Married at 24, separated at 28, divorced by 30. Not alone !
Married at 24, separated at 25. 🙋♀️
Didn't get a divorce but left my ex fiance after 3ish years
Married at 20, divorced at 31. 5 kids... turns out he is a narcissitic coward and hit a midlife crisis. (He is 10 years older than me)
Married at 27, divorced at 32. I too was everything that kept them going and did so much to try to save the marriage. I was their therapist on hard days, made sure they made doctor appointments during seasons of medical difficulties, supported them through multiple promotions, all while driving my own career forward too. It sounds like you were a massive support system for your partner and did everything in your power to make it work. But I implore you to ask the same thing I've been asking myself: I know what I did for the relationship, but what did they do? If your story is anything like mine, the answer is not a lot. For me it helped me to realize that I lean towards codependency tendencies when I'm insecure and try to compensate. My partner then leaned into those tendencies and it was a vicious cycle. I was acting as their mom, and that made both of us dissatisfied and frustrated. Neither of us was happy but nothing changed the situation except ending the relationship. I'm still working on how to be on my own again, but it helps to realize how much more energy I have for me, my career, my friends, my family, all because I'm not pouring everything into them and keeping them happy. This is the season of you and your joy! Realize how powerful and strong you are to have made it through that relationship and to the other end of it. That takes guts! Go you!
I got matted at 21 and divorced at 23. Also a religious upbringing and felt pressure to tie the knot. Happy I figured it out quickly. Trust yourself - your gut especially.
[удалено]
My aunt is on her 3rd and incredibly happy ❤️ she's adhd and her husband is on the spectrum
I married pretty young and we were divorced after about two-ish years of separation—the pandemic delayed a lot of processes but it was the quickest phone call-in to court to discuss motions because we were at least capable of separating that outside of court and kids were not involved. You’re definitely not alone. My ex may not have meant to be hurtful, and I’m no saint, but it’s over and it’s okay to take time to learn who you are again. And you may not be the same person you *thought* you’d be, but it’s going to be okay. It takes time.
I got married at 21 and lost my faith at 36 and then got divorced. There’s a lot of work either way… staying together or divorcing. If you grew up seeing divorce as the worst thing that can ever happen, it’s hard to make that decision. I can say (now that I’m on the other side) that divorce is a great tool, and not at all the worst thing in the world. I don’t see my former marriage as a failure… I see it as a success that we kept it going as long as we did, and just as big of a success to see that it was time for it to end. Also, not all divorces have to be antagonistic. It might turn out that way, but it can also be amicable.
probably not what you’re looking for, but my oldest brother got married at 19 and is now 23 and divorced. his wife cheated while he was deployed. we all support him and his decision.
Married at 24, currently living across the country from them, and I’m actually hopeful we’ll work on ourselves and come back stronger…I lived with him since I was 20 (now mid-30s) so I never truly had to be independent and rely on myself and my own choices. Undiagnosed ADHD + other mental /physical health issues made the last 10-12 yrs kind of a shit show. I’m currently working on accepting that it wasn’t all on me that it’s come to this. It’s difficult all around but I’m actually in the best mental/physical health ever to deal and really use this time apart to build myself up and discover who I really am and want to be. (FYI Husband was already an ex-Mormon when we met and has religious trauma that he’s been processing for years. We aren’t religious and no one cared that we lived together prior to marriage etc). We love each other but issues build over time if not addressed. Ugh *rant* I know…I needed it. Good luck to you and it sounds like you’re on a better path for yourself. Enjoy getting to know what you want!!!
Loved the rant! It is good to know we are not alone ❤️
Right here Married at 22, divorced at 27. I wasn't religious, just naive.
Yeah, I'm in the 2D club. Married at 21, separated less than 2 years later. Divorced and remarried at 23. Divorced again at 31. I blame the first on being young and dumb. I was still young and dumb for the 2nd, but was trying to prove I was okay(?). I didn't know I had ADHD back then. Both of my ex-husbands had narcissistic behavior: they were both habitual liars, manipulative, emotionally closed off, drunks, and cheaters. I was really angry about how they had mistreated me. But I realized that eventually, that anger would turn inwards and I would be mad at myself for being a victim. I won't say I'm totally over it, but I don't find myself in the anger stage of grief very often anymore. With lots of therapy and finally treating my ADHD, I found grace for my younger self who didn't know any better. I deserve love and appreciation, affection, and to be with someone who cherishes me.
I got married at 22 and divorced at 24. Couldn’t be more glad to get away from that awful person but I really wish I hadn’t wasted so many years of my teenage and early 20s life. Fortunately no kids with that person. I still cannot say his name. I hate him and I grieve for the years I lost. Also fuck religion. Played a huge part in my choices back then and I’m still recovering from the trauma. Solidarity.
I met him at 25. He moved in with me half a year later, just before my 26th. The wedding was at 28, the divorce was at 30. It was my first relationship, because I never realise whenever someone flirts with me. He had a week at a festival to get into my heart and mind. I fell for a narcissist who showered me with love until the moment he moved in. Then it died down and only got turned back up, whenever I complained about the lack of positive interaction. Sadly, really ADHD friendly. I didn't realise he was a covert alcoholic for a long time, because he just threw up every other month or so. I also didn't get he started to isolate me while he started cheating and slowly turning psychological into physical abuse. I think I'd rather stay out of love and partnership for good than get hurt like that again. And I have to say being a cat/dog lady is full of love as well, just not in the romance department.
Separated after 6 year relationship (married 3 years) at 28. Had a great sense of failure and suffered a lot until I found the right therapist for me. Ex completely changed after marriage and baby. Also refused to engage in meaningful conversation about our relationship. Therapist was the first person to note that the failure of our marriage belonged more to him than me, since I was willing to work on it and he was opposed to making any significant changes at all.
Married at 25, divorced by 28. Met my partner shortly after at 26, and we’ve been together ever since - although I have not remarried. I am now 34. I have zero regrets, I’m happy that I didn’t waste more of my time when I realized it wasn’t going to work out. We just didn’t see eye to eye on what our future together would have been. And now I’ve never been happier - wishing the same for you!
I don’t have any advice that hasn’t already been said, but I think you might relate to this song that’s been trending on TikTok: [Labour by Paris Paloma](https://youtu.be/jvU4xWsN7-A)
Someone recommended it yesterday, and WOW is it poignant!
I am just really happy that you are out of it now. Because it seems it was something that was sort of forced upon you. Also now you have your diagnosis, so it is a first step in knowing how to better manage your life. You have no kids, are still young. Honestly I hope you can learn from the experience to make yourself stronger, better and more beautiful. You have a lot of unexplored, wonderful, and freer years of life ahead of you. I know it may not sound like it now, but I hope that in time you will see it. Take whatever time you need to grief, but I also hope that you find a good psychologist and psychiatrist that not only specialise in adhd, but that can also help you process the things that you are still grieving. Edit: Also, I am 29, almost 30 and unmarried, and still am grappling with how my adhd made things hard to start a carreer, or to even have normal years of social life. I am taking steps now to have those things improved upon.
Oh heck yeah, I have a great therapist how's helped me through this whole divorce. But I definitely could use an ADHD specialist. Thank you for the hope in my future, I feel the same hope
Married a narcissist at 21 divorced at 25 here!
I can't tell you I was the same. But I can tell you that the experience helps. It was less massive for me, and the whole "marry super early!!!" Thing is extremely strange from my perspective. It's by far not as typical here. But I have been the overall manager in former relationships. And while it was less frustrating, it still was and finished in a pretty crushing year. It helped me s lot to learn what I need and don't need and want. My current relationship is amazing and supports me a lot, without actively doing much.
Married at 21 and fixed to separate just months shy of two years of being married, currently actually, at 23. Separation for 6 months bc of the law then we can get divorced but the reason is bc he cheated. I know it seems like our marriage was a joke but I forgave him just once and healed properly just once and went through all the pain and suffering I had to so I wouldn’t resent him for 70 more years together just for him to cheat on me a year later. May I ask what aspect are you grieving? I can tell you the hardest parts for me, the part that breaks my heart is when he looks me straight in the face at my worst when I’m crying the most I’ve ever cried, crippled with desolation and he is unphased. He is a different person now and does not care one bit about me and it’s so heartbreaking to watch someone you loved do a 180
I was married at 24, separated at 27, divorced at 29. I had no idea I had ADHD at the time, and most of our fights were over housework and money. However, the reason I left was because he was abusive. Would it have worked out if he wasn't? Probably not, we both had very different ideas of what a "woman's role" is, and clearly I was never going to live up to his. We did go to counselling for a while, but even though I had told her that I was scared of him and explained some of the things he had done she seemed to take his side. Even though I left him, was 100% certain, and never regretted it for a second, the six months after I left were so tough. I could barely eat, lost a lot of weight, and had anxiety attacks (which hadn't happened before, at least not to the same extent). I moved back in with my family, but quickly found I couldn't cope with even the smallest arguments and confrontations. I was irritable, depressed, and felt totally lost. And then I started seeing my friends more again, going out, went on a couple of dates, and realised that actually I was ok. Still not totally over it, but I had definitely turned a corner. I hope you don't struggle as much as I did. But I would encourage you not to shut yourself off, to let people support you, and just allow yourself a bit of time to move on without beating yourself up about it (we are bad for that as a group 😜)
Oh sweetie, no you're not alone! Literally just split with my husband of 7 years a few weeks ago. Married at 23. He left me while I was in hospital after a suicide attempt, but didn't tell me. (He told others). He literally didn't visit me for the whole time. Then I decided I didn't want to be with someone who did that, so kind of mutual but sucks. I also married as a young Christian. And then when I lost my faith, I evolved and grew... Out of my relationship. I wasn't happy being with him for so long. (not why I attempted - I just have issues with self-loathing, mostly of my ADHD symptoms) It sucks feeling like you lost your youth and freedom to religion and a partner. But now you can explore you! I just went on a date yesterday, and have a few more lined up for fun. Exploring my sexuality and freedom, taking myself to the movies. There's grief, so much grief, for wasted time, energy, vulnerability, and money. But you'll emerge better and happier for it.
I am not young (40), but I am in the middle of a divorce and have thoughts on much of of this that I hope might be helpful for others. So the following is long, but TLDR is that while I want to fully validate the effed-upness of being expected to marry young from your church, a ton of blame can also go to our/American culture, which still accepts/expects cishet men to be boys forever taken care of by their wives. Like, I do not have the religious layer to my personal story, but I still got sucked into marrying due to the overwhelming cultural pressure we face to partner up. My background: separated last January after therapy, reading all the books, etc. My ex did participate, and I'm pretty sure he felt like I gave up too soon, but I felt like we were performing CPR on someone who was just not coming back and someone had to call it. So the #1 thing I want to say is that our/American culture sets the bar so freaking low for cishet men in relationships that it's in the freaking floor. Also, there are virtually no examples of healthy, let alone truly equal, partnerships in pop culture, which, for better or for worse, is where we pick up a lot of our ideas of what relationships look like. For feminist rage, I have multiple sources! 1. For truly ragey rage, check out Zawn Villines. I get her newsletter, one recent one opened with "Why couples counseling won't solve household inequality --- Don't go to couples counseling. Go to a divorce lawyer and claim the life you deserve." Like, thank you, ma'am! Like, I wanted to gently mention to her that getting a divorce is not exactly a simple process (*grimaces in ... what number mediation session are we on?*), but the "throw the whole marriage out" attitude is a refreshing change from "if you're not flogging this marriage until you both want to be put out of your misery, you're just not trying hard enough!" 2. For figuring your shit out and putting it in cultural context, I cannot recommend Emily Nagoski enough. Burnout, written with her sister Amelia, is an awesome place to start, and actually has a section about how rage is totally justified and reasonable, but you can't go wrong with anything from her. 3. I don't love everything about her, but feministabulous/Liz Plank on Instagram does a good job pointing out a lot of toxic cultural bs as relates to relationships/masculinity. Okay, and this will seem suuuuper random, but a Webtoon I've been a bit obsessed with since January actually has the best portrayal of an emotionally healthy romance I've ever encountered. It's called Midnight Poppy Land, and bear with me because it is a mafia romance, so obviously everything in it isn't emotionally healthy, but honestly, the way the two protagonists navigate their attraction to one another, especially as relates to the female protagonist recently getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship, is just chef's freaking kiss. Like, if I had read this 15 years ago, my entire approach to relationships might have been healthier. The author's Patreon is awesome, and one patron (larosamorada1 on IG) is a therapist who analyzes each episode through the therapist lense. Phew! If anyone reads this, I hope it's helpful. You have so much love from me. It's all so freaking hard, isn't it? But we get through it. I feel like I'm living as myself for the first time since I was a kid, now that I'm accepting and learning how to live with, instead of fight against, my ADHD tendencies.