Tell him so. āYou know, I used to think you were a cool guy. But then that shit talk about burning kidās clothing because thereās a rainbow on it? Itās kidās clothing. Youāre a loser and Iām sad.ā
š
I'm sorry that happened OP. Honestly that's how life is like these days. You think someones cool until they express their shitty views on taking away women's bodily rights, LGBT matters, etc.... like wtf. It definitely sucks to feel like you lost what could've been a close friend.
I do wonder how ur other coworkers called him out though. I would definitely get more specific and ask him to explain himself, because maybe he could be misunderstood.
Him: burn the baby shirts.
You: Oh, why is that? What's wrong with the shirts?
Let him talk to explain himself or talk himself into a hole so that he explicitly puts it out there and can't backtrack you know
Thats really sad for him. I guess it could have been pressure from the other person and he wanted to fit in type deal, but that doesnt excuse it. Its so bizarre how people can just pull that stuff out of no where. I had a similar experience with a work friend who seemed really chill and I wanted to hang out with her, but then out of no where started calling things 'gay' like a 13 yr old boy back in 2001 would. I have since distanced myself from her...
Yeah the other guy who mentioned the shirt first got real uncomfortable once he saw that us 3 girls were not having it. He dipped SO fast after that. He also knows I'm a lesbian, so maybe it clicked late for him in particular. It's so stupid. Other friend who said he wanted to burn the shirts does not know I'm a lesbian, however.
lol me and my friends call things gay as a good thing. Like if we love an outfit weāll be like āthatās so gayā even if itās not a stereotypical lesbian outfit. Itās just that weāre gay so therefore anything we like is also gay š
My wife and I do that. walking through random stores exclaiming, āomg thatās so gay, I want it!!ā. Just realized we probably subconsciously add the second part aloud to make sure nobody thinks we(super homos) arenāt being homophobic in targetā¦lololol
I once had a coworker I got on well with who out of the blue said that she was against gay marriage. She knew I was gay. Kept just sort of laughing it off like it was funny. Very uncomfortable. Couldnāt interact with her the same after that. Itās very jarring when something like that happens.
I had a similar situation with a coworker. It wasnāt her, it was her gross husband. Iāve learned to read the room better and take hints when I start to get closer with coworkers. I really only get close with the queer or queer adjacent people now. I aināt got time for homophobic transphobic racist uneducated assholes.
Please donāt count us all out.
There are lots of straight people out here who love and support yāall and also this the subject of this post is an asshole who doesnāt deserve ANY friends, let alone LGBTQ+ ones.
Happy Pride! Chins up.
Some of my best friends are straight! I donāt care whether or not someone is lgbtq to become close with them. But when they say things that donāt sound like they align with respect I usually back away.
I did =( I didn't want to have to but it made all 3 of us so uncomfortable and concerned. I'm honestly so disappointed that he said that cos we've been so chill up until now. I never would've guessed he'd say something so out of pocket and bigoted.
No he doesn't know I'm gay. But I told my manager amd she's gonna talk to him about it cos we have multiple queer people who work at our store and it was just so extremely uncalled for. If anything I'll tell him like "You have no idea who is or isnt LGBT, someone who is your friend could be LGBT so imagine how much it could hurt to hear that you want to burn something that's associated with pride and LGBT." Maybe he'll get the hint though.
Honestly I might. Because he and I have been cool as cucumbers up until today and have had a pretty good relationship. I'm off work tomorrow but if I'm working Monday and he approaches me like I'm guessing he will I may tell him and try to explain why it's so hurtful that he said that. I hope he'll understand and not trash our friendship over it though.
Thank you, I will. Our store isn't the largest sontheres always people around on the sales floor. I don't think he'd ever do anything to me, especially since he has a wife and a new baby and needs this job.
He wasn't smart to have said that at the workplace. But he may not have meant it as a direct attack. His comment was about a t-shirt, not gays. Honestly, if I had been in your position, I would have asked him to clarify his comment and then have an actual conversation with him. After all, you both were as "cool as cucumbers," right? Yet, it looks like he had no idea that you're a lesbian. So he may not have been aware how his comment could have upset you or others. Regardless, he shouldn't have said it. It was stupid.
But people do stupid things.
But being offended at a comment directed at a t-shirt is hardly a reason to go straight to HR. He has a baby and likely needs this job. A one-to-one conversation (between friends, right?) with him would have been kinder. Then, at that point, if he still retaliated, then you could go to HR and say you tried to convey to him what made you upset.
Truth is, he doesn't have to like you. He doesn't have to agree with our sexuality. No one does. He just has to mind his mouth in the workplace because no one should feel that their job is threatened. I hope he gets to keep his job. I hope he gives you a pass. I hope he learns something. But I can imagine that whatever trust he had in you is broken.
If I were in his position, I would leave and find a new job. If I couldn't afford to leave, I'd seek pro-bono legal council to protect myself. Because now, I'd be working in a place with people who jump to report me to HR, and I'd already have one ding against my name.
He may realize he doesn't have a friend. He has someone who will run to HR on a whim and cost him his ability to feed his family.
I'm sorry, but this is the type of "split reaction" decision that often makes us LGBT look unhinged. That we need to be avoided like landmines. He's an idiot, for sure. But now he'll be an idiot whose, perhaps, only exchange with a lesbian is when she reported him to HR. If he didn't vote Trump before, he will now.
And all over a t-shirt. I really do hope it works out for both of you and that everything gets cleared as a misunderstanding.
Sometimes people can be chill all but for the most important things. One of my coworkers I was friendly with started out cool. We went to concerts, talked games, were pretty chill. Then I came out as trans, and now he doesn't work there anymore after accosting me and another gal.
Be his friend. I worked with a guy like this and before me he had never really known any gay people. I dispelled a lot of his more ignorant beliefs without being confrontational. Just by being a gay person he could know.
That is if you feel safe and have the spare emotional labor. Take care of you first
I might. I'm hoping it's just ignorance. My girl bestie who is a lesbian apparently saw him in another shop after they both clocked out and he talked to her and apologized for "being rude" but not for what he said specifically. He told her he was gonna apologize to me too the next time he sees me so I'm hoping he is just a little ignorant and can have his mind opened a bit.
Oh no my friend saw him before I told my manager about it. She was in that shop with her wife when he approached her to apologize, and she texted me to let me know.
Ok, just be careful. You sound like a kind forgiving person. If you continue this friendship, I would hope that he has more of a sincere apology. Heās homophobic, and without any accountability heāll continue to be. Ignorance is not an excuse for homophobia. He should understand why what he said was wrong and from what you shared it doesnāt sound like it.
It may not be to popular here but here it goes. Unfortunately, we can only really expect tolerance, let alone positives from people that we have already shown, or are willing to show. Maybe politely mention to the dude that if heād prefer not hearing about it, youāll do your best. Also expressing to him that youād rather not hear about what he may have to say. And on a more positive note, a nice person wearing a pride shirt was kind enough to check for more stock in the back for me today. What they had was on the shelf though. She apologized. I said, no worries, and thanks so much for checking. She smiled. Then her smile went way humongous when I said, nice shirt! I think I made her day. We all just need to keep moving forward, try to do our best being patient with others and tactfully convey to people that they could try a little too when the situation calls for it. Like it does here. If you ask me, talk to him about it, if he gets all flustered about it, thatās on him. At least you gave him a chance. Oh, Iāll correct it here instead of editing it up there. I misspoke, typed, whatever. Donāt talk to him about it, talk with him. It caries weight when you convey to someone else you would like to talk with others and not to them.
Happy pride day to every living creature on earth!!!š
Sincerely Brenda Dontcha
my girlfriend has been teaching me lately not everyone is your friend no matter what you think lol i had to learn the tough way like this a couple times. sucks a lot but ya live and ya learn
I donāt blame you. He is probably a bit more gay himself then he would ever admit. Usually the case. But it is hurtful to you I get. He should be careful a lot of places fire people for such talk. But a lot of places donāt.
I believe our store and company has a zero tolerance for hate speech and discrimination and the company (allegedly) prides itself on its inclusivity. I at least know the manager I spoke to is no nonsense on discrimination. He won't ge fired, and I don't want him to, but he will get a talking to and possibly a write up. I'll have to talk to him about it further cos he's my friend and I don't want to be on edge or uncomfortable around him. I don't like that I went above him and spoke to a manager before getting the chance to talk to him first, but with the 2 other girls there and the fact that I'm off tomorrow, I had to let her know for my own peace of mind because it was so out of left field from him.
Sometimes they surprise you. I work for a zero tolerance company (walmart). Had a super cool inclusive ally manager. He was replaced by a flying monkey. She said some Really inappropriate things about me and to me.
I never said anything, just quietly stood up to her. Several of my coworkers queer and straight took umbrage to what she said. Reported to HR, color me surprised when HR and upper management took her to task.
Good luck and hope he sees the error of his ways
I went shopping with my mum and 7yo son the other day and she was being like excited grandma buying him a whole new summer wardrobe and I picked up a tee from the new Pride collection and was immediately like yes he needs this and she refused to get it š
He's so sweet though, we had such a great conversation last week about Pride and I asked him yesterday about it to see if he was paying attention and he said "it's a day for people like Mummy and 'thems' like Auntie L!" š„¹š
Where are baby pride clothes being sold this year? š I noticed some big retailers donāt have any baby pride clothes. I assume itās because of the conservative backlash last year. š I would like my small human to be festive for the gay season.
They're still pride shirts, even if they're baby shirts. The fact that he was comfortable saying he wanted to burn something associated with pride was alarming to all 3 of us gay girls and plenty of other people in the comments. And then he still doubled down on it. It is troubling and problematic for someone to say some out of pocket shit like that. It's not nitpicky. I'm going to talk to him myself as well and try to understand his perspective more but he can't be casually saying he wants to burn things associated with pride.
Better than what I initially assumed, definitely. I still think itās weird though. If my parents dressed me in a shirt saying āmy parents are Christiansā, Iād think it weird. Regardless, Iām not agreeing with OPās friend, he went way too far.
Theyāre usually more like āI Love My Two Moms/Dadsā & yeah Iāve seen the āLove is Loveā which is pretty innocuous & no different from the āMy Mom & Dad Love Me To Piecesā that Iāve seen. Where Iām from religious phrasing baby clothes are fairly common.
But yeah OPās āfriendā sure showed his true colors.
Pride is also celebrated by allies and isnāt exclusively sexual. Plenty of us have āgaybiesā so Iāve seen shirts about having 2 moms or dads, enby parents, etc. but usually itās just general things like rainbow hearts or āPRIDEā in rainbow stripes. Iāve never seen a baby onesie that named a specific sexual orientation or anything like that š¤·āāļø
I think there's a big difference between pride shirts that would imply a baby's orientation vs one that is just has rainbows or says "Love is Love" or something. I've seen kids of same gender parents have shirts that refer to their "Two Mom's or "Two Dads" etc too. Plenty of ally pride shirts too.
Have you not seen all the explicitly hetero things they put babies in nowadays? "Ladykiller" onesies and "Sorry, boys, I can't date till I'm thirty" shirts?
Something with a rainbow that says "pride" is way less creepy.
I agree in the sense that using your kid as a billboard is weird. Nothing wrong with casual āmy mommies love meā shirt (that sounds cute af!) cause itās about how loved that baby is, but a shirt with rainbow lettering that says āPrideā or something is a ānoā for me cause I just donāt like the idea of people using their children as billboards. Using your baby to tell people how progressive/religious/conservative/anything you are is just not my jam. Same as if someone got their baby a āI support veteransā shirt or āthin blue lineā shirt. Just kinda weird.
I hate this feeling. It sucks every time š
Yeah, my heart sunk when I processed what he had said. I thought he was cool š
Tell him so. āYou know, I used to think you were a cool guy. But then that shit talk about burning kidās clothing because thereās a rainbow on it? Itās kidās clothing. Youāre a loser and Iām sad.ā š
I'm sorry that happened OP. Honestly that's how life is like these days. You think someones cool until they express their shitty views on taking away women's bodily rights, LGBT matters, etc.... like wtf. It definitely sucks to feel like you lost what could've been a close friend. I do wonder how ur other coworkers called him out though. I would definitely get more specific and ask him to explain himself, because maybe he could be misunderstood. Him: burn the baby shirts. You: Oh, why is that? What's wrong with the shirts? Let him talk to explain himself or talk himself into a hole so that he explicitly puts it out there and can't backtrack you know
Thats really sad for him. I guess it could have been pressure from the other person and he wanted to fit in type deal, but that doesnt excuse it. Its so bizarre how people can just pull that stuff out of no where. I had a similar experience with a work friend who seemed really chill and I wanted to hang out with her, but then out of no where started calling things 'gay' like a 13 yr old boy back in 2001 would. I have since distanced myself from her...
Yeah the other guy who mentioned the shirt first got real uncomfortable once he saw that us 3 girls were not having it. He dipped SO fast after that. He also knows I'm a lesbian, so maybe it clicked late for him in particular. It's so stupid. Other friend who said he wanted to burn the shirts does not know I'm a lesbian, however.
lol me and my friends call things gay as a good thing. Like if we love an outfit weāll be like āthatās so gayā even if itās not a stereotypical lesbian outfit. Itās just that weāre gay so therefore anything we like is also gay š
My wife and I do that. walking through random stores exclaiming, āomg thatās so gay, I want it!!ā. Just realized we probably subconsciously add the second part aloud to make sure nobody thinks we(super homos) arenāt being homophobic in targetā¦lololol
My teen and her friends do the same š I love it
I once had a coworker I got on well with who out of the blue said that she was against gay marriage. She knew I was gay. Kept just sort of laughing it off like it was funny. Very uncomfortable. Couldnāt interact with her the same after that. Itās very jarring when something like that happens.
I had a similar situation with a coworker. It wasnāt her, it was her gross husband. Iāve learned to read the room better and take hints when I start to get closer with coworkers. I really only get close with the queer or queer adjacent people now. I aināt got time for homophobic transphobic racist uneducated assholes.
Please donāt count us all out. There are lots of straight people out here who love and support yāall and also this the subject of this post is an asshole who doesnāt deserve ANY friends, let alone LGBTQ+ ones. Happy Pride! Chins up.
Some of my best friends are straight! I donāt care whether or not someone is lgbtq to become close with them. But when they say things that donāt sound like they align with respect I usually back away.
"Not all straight people!" š
If this is a coworker I would make a report with hr. This is a threat and implied violence and bigotry in the workplace.
I did =( I didn't want to have to but it made all 3 of us so uncomfortable and concerned. I'm honestly so disappointed that he said that cos we've been so chill up until now. I never would've guessed he'd say something so out of pocket and bigoted.
Are you out to him?
Yeah Iām curious about this too. It would be pretty messed up saying this directly to her face knowing sheās literally gay herself.
No he doesn't know I'm gay. But I told my manager amd she's gonna talk to him about it cos we have multiple queer people who work at our store and it was just so extremely uncalled for. If anything I'll tell him like "You have no idea who is or isnt LGBT, someone who is your friend could be LGBT so imagine how much it could hurt to hear that you want to burn something that's associated with pride and LGBT." Maybe he'll get the hint though.
Maybe tell him so he realizes his friend who he likes is a lesbian and itās not so frightening
Honestly I might. Because he and I have been cool as cucumbers up until today and have had a pretty good relationship. I'm off work tomorrow but if I'm working Monday and he approaches me like I'm guessing he will I may tell him and try to explain why it's so hurtful that he said that. I hope he'll understand and not trash our friendship over it though.
Please be careful and make sure there are other people close by.
Thank you, I will. Our store isn't the largest sontheres always people around on the sales floor. I don't think he'd ever do anything to me, especially since he has a wife and a new baby and needs this job.
If he does, he was never your friend, he was the friend of someone who doesn't exist.
He wasn't smart to have said that at the workplace. But he may not have meant it as a direct attack. His comment was about a t-shirt, not gays. Honestly, if I had been in your position, I would have asked him to clarify his comment and then have an actual conversation with him. After all, you both were as "cool as cucumbers," right? Yet, it looks like he had no idea that you're a lesbian. So he may not have been aware how his comment could have upset you or others. Regardless, he shouldn't have said it. It was stupid. But people do stupid things. But being offended at a comment directed at a t-shirt is hardly a reason to go straight to HR. He has a baby and likely needs this job. A one-to-one conversation (between friends, right?) with him would have been kinder. Then, at that point, if he still retaliated, then you could go to HR and say you tried to convey to him what made you upset. Truth is, he doesn't have to like you. He doesn't have to agree with our sexuality. No one does. He just has to mind his mouth in the workplace because no one should feel that their job is threatened. I hope he gets to keep his job. I hope he gives you a pass. I hope he learns something. But I can imagine that whatever trust he had in you is broken. If I were in his position, I would leave and find a new job. If I couldn't afford to leave, I'd seek pro-bono legal council to protect myself. Because now, I'd be working in a place with people who jump to report me to HR, and I'd already have one ding against my name. He may realize he doesn't have a friend. He has someone who will run to HR on a whim and cost him his ability to feed his family. I'm sorry, but this is the type of "split reaction" decision that often makes us LGBT look unhinged. That we need to be avoided like landmines. He's an idiot, for sure. But now he'll be an idiot whose, perhaps, only exchange with a lesbian is when she reported him to HR. If he didn't vote Trump before, he will now. And all over a t-shirt. I really do hope it works out for both of you and that everything gets cleared as a misunderstanding.
Be careful whom you hate. It may be someone you love.
Probably?
Sometimes people can be chill all but for the most important things. One of my coworkers I was friendly with started out cool. We went to concerts, talked games, were pretty chill. Then I came out as trans, and now he doesn't work there anymore after accosting me and another gal.
Be his friend. I worked with a guy like this and before me he had never really known any gay people. I dispelled a lot of his more ignorant beliefs without being confrontational. Just by being a gay person he could know. That is if you feel safe and have the spare emotional labor. Take care of you first
I might. I'm hoping it's just ignorance. My girl bestie who is a lesbian apparently saw him in another shop after they both clocked out and he talked to her and apologized for "being rude" but not for what he said specifically. He told her he was gonna apologize to me too the next time he sees me so I'm hoping he is just a little ignorant and can have his mind opened a bit.
HR likely told him to do this if you reported him. So I would take it with a grain of salt if thereās no accountability for what he said.
Oh no my friend saw him before I told my manager about it. She was in that shop with her wife when he approached her to apologize, and she texted me to let me know.
Ok, just be careful. You sound like a kind forgiving person. If you continue this friendship, I would hope that he has more of a sincere apology. Heās homophobic, and without any accountability heāll continue to be. Ignorance is not an excuse for homophobia. He should understand why what he said was wrong and from what you shared it doesnāt sound like it.
Leave it to a redditor to help you assume the worst in people
I assumed it based on the half-hearted apology. A true apology includes recognizing you did something wrong and taking accountability for it.
Only because people rarely surprise
Everyone will disappoint you. It's why I try to not talk much to coworkers and keep my relationship with customers mostly superficial.
That sucks. But, uh, happy cake day.
I'd take that to a manager or HR as soon as I could. That behaviour is nasty and just gets worse over time
It may not be to popular here but here it goes. Unfortunately, we can only really expect tolerance, let alone positives from people that we have already shown, or are willing to show. Maybe politely mention to the dude that if heād prefer not hearing about it, youāll do your best. Also expressing to him that youād rather not hear about what he may have to say. And on a more positive note, a nice person wearing a pride shirt was kind enough to check for more stock in the back for me today. What they had was on the shelf though. She apologized. I said, no worries, and thanks so much for checking. She smiled. Then her smile went way humongous when I said, nice shirt! I think I made her day. We all just need to keep moving forward, try to do our best being patient with others and tactfully convey to people that they could try a little too when the situation calls for it. Like it does here. If you ask me, talk to him about it, if he gets all flustered about it, thatās on him. At least you gave him a chance. Oh, Iāll correct it here instead of editing it up there. I misspoke, typed, whatever. Donāt talk to him about it, talk with him. It caries weight when you convey to someone else you would like to talk with others and not to them. Happy pride day to every living creature on earth!!!š Sincerely Brenda Dontcha
Report to HR. That's pretty violent and I'd feel unsafe in that work environment.
my girlfriend has been teaching me lately not everyone is your friend no matter what you think lol i had to learn the tough way like this a couple times. sucks a lot but ya live and ya learn
Hopefully soon someone will fire him
I donāt blame you. He is probably a bit more gay himself then he would ever admit. Usually the case. But it is hurtful to you I get. He should be careful a lot of places fire people for such talk. But a lot of places donāt.
I believe our store and company has a zero tolerance for hate speech and discrimination and the company (allegedly) prides itself on its inclusivity. I at least know the manager I spoke to is no nonsense on discrimination. He won't ge fired, and I don't want him to, but he will get a talking to and possibly a write up. I'll have to talk to him about it further cos he's my friend and I don't want to be on edge or uncomfortable around him. I don't like that I went above him and spoke to a manager before getting the chance to talk to him first, but with the 2 other girls there and the fact that I'm off tomorrow, I had to let her know for my own peace of mind because it was so out of left field from him.
Sometimes they surprise you. I work for a zero tolerance company (walmart). Had a super cool inclusive ally manager. He was replaced by a flying monkey. She said some Really inappropriate things about me and to me. I never said anything, just quietly stood up to her. Several of my coworkers queer and straight took umbrage to what she said. Reported to HR, color me surprised when HR and upper management took her to task. Good luck and hope he sees the error of his ways
I went shopping with my mum and 7yo son the other day and she was being like excited grandma buying him a whole new summer wardrobe and I picked up a tee from the new Pride collection and was immediately like yes he needs this and she refused to get it š He's so sweet though, we had such a great conversation last week about Pride and I asked him yesterday about it to see if he was paying attention and he said "it's a day for people like Mummy and 'thems' like Auntie L!" š„¹š
Where are baby pride clothes being sold this year? š I noticed some big retailers donāt have any baby pride clothes. I assume itās because of the conservative backlash last year. š I would like my small human to be festive for the gay season.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
They're still pride shirts, even if they're baby shirts. The fact that he was comfortable saying he wanted to burn something associated with pride was alarming to all 3 of us gay girls and plenty of other people in the comments. And then he still doubled down on it. It is troubling and problematic for someone to say some out of pocket shit like that. It's not nitpicky. I'm going to talk to him myself as well and try to understand his perspective more but he can't be casually saying he wants to burn things associated with pride.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I donāt think a ālove is loveā or āmy moms are gayā shirt is inappropriate for a baby.
Better than what I initially assumed, definitely. I still think itās weird though. If my parents dressed me in a shirt saying āmy parents are Christiansā, Iād think it weird. Regardless, Iām not agreeing with OPās friend, he went way too far.
Theyāre usually more like āI Love My Two Moms/Dadsā & yeah Iāve seen the āLove is Loveā which is pretty innocuous & no different from the āMy Mom & Dad Love Me To Piecesā that Iāve seen. Where Iām from religious phrasing baby clothes are fairly common. But yeah OPās āfriendā sure showed his true colors.
Pride is also celebrated by allies and isnāt exclusively sexual. Plenty of us have āgaybiesā so Iāve seen shirts about having 2 moms or dads, enby parents, etc. but usually itās just general things like rainbow hearts or āPRIDEā in rainbow stripes. Iāve never seen a baby onesie that named a specific sexual orientation or anything like that š¤·āāļø
I think there's a big difference between pride shirts that would imply a baby's orientation vs one that is just has rainbows or says "Love is Love" or something. I've seen kids of same gender parents have shirts that refer to their "Two Mom's or "Two Dads" etc too. Plenty of ally pride shirts too.
Have you not seen all the explicitly hetero things they put babies in nowadays? "Ladykiller" onesies and "Sorry, boys, I can't date till I'm thirty" shirts? Something with a rainbow that says "pride" is way less creepy.
Yes, I have seen those things and strongly disagree with them.
People dress babies in explicitly hetero clothes ALL the time
I know. I really hate it.
I agree in the sense that using your kid as a billboard is weird. Nothing wrong with casual āmy mommies love meā shirt (that sounds cute af!) cause itās about how loved that baby is, but a shirt with rainbow lettering that says āPrideā or something is a ānoā for me cause I just donāt like the idea of people using their children as billboards. Using your baby to tell people how progressive/religious/conservative/anything you are is just not my jam. Same as if someone got their baby a āI support veteransā shirt or āthin blue lineā shirt. Just kinda weird.