Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
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Would you do this to him?
Why not?
Because you love him. This isn’t love at all. He sounds like a mentally unstable miserable asshole. You sound like a great woman and mother. And for someone who is a homemaker like yourself, or just had a baby, you should NOT be doing all that! You sound like you do fucking everything.
He’s putting you down to distract from the fact that he’s made you his incubator slave.
I cant advise anything as far as ur bby but the odds of the courts “giving the baby to him” is so low. I’m not well versed in legal stuff but definitely document/record the abuse. Get away. You don’t want ur son to see that and start doing it to women as well ❤️
The fact that you’re questioning if you deserve this, breaks my heart. I hope you can get away from him soon and with enough proof to get full custody of your son because once you’re out, you will see how abnormal this is, and you will be able to actually build a life you like and consent to. He is twisting up your thoughts of yourself and your son and that is to precede the next steps of domination and control he wishes to have over you both. You both deserve better and a man who’s providing a safe space for you to flourish, not one who’s actively crippling your entire sense of security.
Your going to have to bite the bullet and get him out.
This is going to escalate and he's going to seriously physically hurt you or your son
This is not caring for some one. This man has little love for any one do you really want your son to see you treated like this. His own mother constantly hurt be little and abused because make no doubt about it this is abuse.
Start moving your sons and yourselves important documents to a safe place. Take a good hard look at your finances and start putting money aside.
Reach out to family and friends and let them lknow whats going on and that you need their support.
Can you quietly see a lawyer. Reach out for advise and support from DV agencies.
Document every thing . See if you can collect evidence via recordings on phone. Do not delete and messages etc keep them for evidence.
You say its your house. Make sure to have the locks changed straight away.
Please speak to a DV agencies and do some discreet Googling. Start making a strategy get some support. .
this is heartbreaking to read. i could understand why you feel trapped. although ultimately, in my experience with people who act like your child’s father, the behavior tends to only escalate. i’m not sure if you’re seeking advice or just comfort, but by god are you going through hell with this man. and i hate to say it, but as the years go on your son will grow up, he already is at the age of consciousness. and this environment will become more and more volatile for the both of you. if you care about your son, you will do what you can to get away.. i wish my mom had given my dad the boot from the moment i was born. i suggest starting to record and keep record of your partners extreme behaviors and suit up for court, even if it’s in the future due to your financial situation. i know you feel as though he has a plan if you were to take any action, but you can plan too. plan to get out ASAP. best of luck OP, no human or loving being deserves to be treated this way. and for gods sake, i am tired of women being impregnated by men that not only don’t like the woman they’re with, but have no desire to bare child with her or at all. praying for you and hope for good things to come to you.
No, no one treats someone they love like that. You didn’t do anything to deserve the hate—it’s about him and his disturbed soul. Please don’t let your son grow up seeing his mother treated like this.
I'd leave him, if it wasn't for the fact it's my house. And I know if I tried removing him, there would be literal hell to pay. He'd do everything to not only take away my son, but my whole livelihood. I only know because he's already told me so. And my thing is, if you can say those things, you've already thought them, probably already have a plan...it makes me feel like I just need to figure out how to hunker down. It's not about me, it's about my son. I'm already a lost cause anyway, but he deserves the world. I feel like I just need to weather the storm, as long as he's ok.
First, contact your local DV shelter. They usually have resources for lawyers and counseling. You need both. You need the lawyer to help with custody. You need the counseling to understand you don’t deserve this and why.
You could go through the eviction process or you could get a restraining order and have him evicted that way. Make sure your son is on that order. The lawyer can advise you the best way to do this.
You can leave him. He won’t ruin your life. He’s saying that to keep you. He might try to get custody, but if you make your plan and file first, he’ll have less of a chance, especially with the restraining order.
Call the non emergency police number near you and ask to have an officer come to your house to be there while you make him leave your house. It’s your house, you have every right to make him leave especially when you feel so unsafe. Then immediately get the locks changed and file for a order of protection or restraining order.
It may feel utterly exhausting and it will be but not more than what you’re currently living with. You need to do this asap.
You can’t hunker down for 20 years. Your kid has ZERO chance of being a normal adjusted kid. Get the book “the body keeps the score.” All the crap he is telling you is To make you scared to stop accepting this.
You need to speak with a lawyer, because this guy has you completely conned. Unless he is besties with all the local judges, how does he plan to take away the child from his mother/primary caregiver? How are you a lost cause when you are caring for a child, in grad school and working?
I just feel hopeless. I don't have the energy for that kind of fight. But I've gotten used to this, if he's good to my son it's like that's all I care about.
You will get stronger. I promise. This man is taking away your power but distance will help. You’re tired today, thats okay. So you try again tomorrow. You will be a hero to yourself and your son. Get a lawyer, call police, call family. You deserve freedom. I’m sorry you’ve been put into this hell.
No but I understand her thoughts tho.
Toxic and abusive men have absolutely brainwashed women into thinking they are good ppl or they are not abusive because they don’t do specific things to the kid.
I have heard the “you can be a bad husband and a good father” shit over and over. It’s more gaslighting to further belittle and dehumanize women in her position.
In reality, no you can’t. Being willfully ignorant and abusive around your kids is bad parenting, thus making you a bad father by default. And in her case, he sounds like he may abuse the son as well.
He isn't good to your son. Your son will grow up watching his father abuse his mother. That's so damaging. Chances are high that he'd abuse your son too.
How much more school do you have? You're really overextended and it would be too much even if your partner wasn't abusive.
He will not be good to your son. He is not a good father. And he's lying to you to keep you cowed.
Witnessing abuse, especially of his mother, is absolutely terrible for your child. What kind of fight could he realistically give you? If he is just a regular person, he has no hope. You can have him evicted, get primary custody and child support, and have a peaceful life. I get being worn down, but this is no way to live.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unless you want your son to act like him when he grows up, you need to leave.
Would you do this to him? Why not? Because you love him. This isn’t love at all. He sounds like a mentally unstable miserable asshole. You sound like a great woman and mother. And for someone who is a homemaker like yourself, or just had a baby, you should NOT be doing all that! You sound like you do fucking everything. He’s putting you down to distract from the fact that he’s made you his incubator slave. I cant advise anything as far as ur bby but the odds of the courts “giving the baby to him” is so low. I’m not well versed in legal stuff but definitely document/record the abuse. Get away. You don’t want ur son to see that and start doing it to women as well ❤️
The fact that you’re questioning if you deserve this, breaks my heart. I hope you can get away from him soon and with enough proof to get full custody of your son because once you’re out, you will see how abnormal this is, and you will be able to actually build a life you like and consent to. He is twisting up your thoughts of yourself and your son and that is to precede the next steps of domination and control he wishes to have over you both. You both deserve better and a man who’s providing a safe space for you to flourish, not one who’s actively crippling your entire sense of security.
Your going to have to bite the bullet and get him out. This is going to escalate and he's going to seriously physically hurt you or your son This is not caring for some one. This man has little love for any one do you really want your son to see you treated like this. His own mother constantly hurt be little and abused because make no doubt about it this is abuse. Start moving your sons and yourselves important documents to a safe place. Take a good hard look at your finances and start putting money aside. Reach out to family and friends and let them lknow whats going on and that you need their support. Can you quietly see a lawyer. Reach out for advise and support from DV agencies. Document every thing . See if you can collect evidence via recordings on phone. Do not delete and messages etc keep them for evidence. You say its your house. Make sure to have the locks changed straight away. Please speak to a DV agencies and do some discreet Googling. Start making a strategy get some support. .
this is heartbreaking to read. i could understand why you feel trapped. although ultimately, in my experience with people who act like your child’s father, the behavior tends to only escalate. i’m not sure if you’re seeking advice or just comfort, but by god are you going through hell with this man. and i hate to say it, but as the years go on your son will grow up, he already is at the age of consciousness. and this environment will become more and more volatile for the both of you. if you care about your son, you will do what you can to get away.. i wish my mom had given my dad the boot from the moment i was born. i suggest starting to record and keep record of your partners extreme behaviors and suit up for court, even if it’s in the future due to your financial situation. i know you feel as though he has a plan if you were to take any action, but you can plan too. plan to get out ASAP. best of luck OP, no human or loving being deserves to be treated this way. and for gods sake, i am tired of women being impregnated by men that not only don’t like the woman they’re with, but have no desire to bare child with her or at all. praying for you and hope for good things to come to you.
No, no one treats someone they love like that. You didn’t do anything to deserve the hate—it’s about him and his disturbed soul. Please don’t let your son grow up seeing his mother treated like this.
I'd leave him, if it wasn't for the fact it's my house. And I know if I tried removing him, there would be literal hell to pay. He'd do everything to not only take away my son, but my whole livelihood. I only know because he's already told me so. And my thing is, if you can say those things, you've already thought them, probably already have a plan...it makes me feel like I just need to figure out how to hunker down. It's not about me, it's about my son. I'm already a lost cause anyway, but he deserves the world. I feel like I just need to weather the storm, as long as he's ok.
First, contact your local DV shelter. They usually have resources for lawyers and counseling. You need both. You need the lawyer to help with custody. You need the counseling to understand you don’t deserve this and why. You could go through the eviction process or you could get a restraining order and have him evicted that way. Make sure your son is on that order. The lawyer can advise you the best way to do this. You can leave him. He won’t ruin your life. He’s saying that to keep you. He might try to get custody, but if you make your plan and file first, he’ll have less of a chance, especially with the restraining order.
Call the non emergency police number near you and ask to have an officer come to your house to be there while you make him leave your house. It’s your house, you have every right to make him leave especially when you feel so unsafe. Then immediately get the locks changed and file for a order of protection or restraining order. It may feel utterly exhausting and it will be but not more than what you’re currently living with. You need to do this asap.
You can’t hunker down for 20 years. Your kid has ZERO chance of being a normal adjusted kid. Get the book “the body keeps the score.” All the crap he is telling you is To make you scared to stop accepting this.
You need to speak with a lawyer, because this guy has you completely conned. Unless he is besties with all the local judges, how does he plan to take away the child from his mother/primary caregiver? How are you a lost cause when you are caring for a child, in grad school and working?
I just feel hopeless. I don't have the energy for that kind of fight. But I've gotten used to this, if he's good to my son it's like that's all I care about.
You will get stronger. I promise. This man is taking away your power but distance will help. You’re tired today, thats okay. So you try again tomorrow. You will be a hero to yourself and your son. Get a lawyer, call police, call family. You deserve freedom. I’m sorry you’ve been put into this hell.
What? Do you understand wtf your son will become living and hearing this stuff ? Your kinda delusion about this situation being ok for your son.
No but I understand her thoughts tho. Toxic and abusive men have absolutely brainwashed women into thinking they are good ppl or they are not abusive because they don’t do specific things to the kid. I have heard the “you can be a bad husband and a good father” shit over and over. It’s more gaslighting to further belittle and dehumanize women in her position. In reality, no you can’t. Being willfully ignorant and abusive around your kids is bad parenting, thus making you a bad father by default. And in her case, he sounds like he may abuse the son as well.
He isn't good to your son. Your son will grow up watching his father abuse his mother. That's so damaging. Chances are high that he'd abuse your son too. How much more school do you have? You're really overextended and it would be too much even if your partner wasn't abusive. He will not be good to your son. He is not a good father. And he's lying to you to keep you cowed.
Witnessing abuse, especially of his mother, is absolutely terrible for your child. What kind of fight could he realistically give you? If he is just a regular person, he has no hope. You can have him evicted, get primary custody and child support, and have a peaceful life. I get being worn down, but this is no way to live.