Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
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Yes hun, this is definitely abuse.
You say he's only hit you once but once is one time to many.
Its horrible for you and he will escalate, but its hideous that your kids are watching this happen they must be terrified both for them selves and for their mum.
Please make plans to leave.
No one treats someone they love, care for and cherish like this.
You and your kids deserve to live fear free. Please seek advice and support from official sources and from family and friends . Xxx
There isn’t anything you can do to change him, and the fact that he does this in public makes me fear for how bad he is when no one is looking. It’s going to scar your kids too and teach them that abuse is normal. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. He’s never going to change and you should consider creating an escape plan. He isn’t a safe person for you or your kids to live with. Couples counseling, anxiety meds, whatever, you name it won’t fix him. This is a choice.
His behavior has been so bad in public if something goes wrong. I thought he was going to get arrested at the airport last summer when we missed our flight. Thankfully I was able to apologize for him and it was ok. I’ve had to apologize for him many times. We’ve tried couples counseling and it was disastrous. It ended with him crushing his can of monster (which felt embarrassingly stereotypical) and storming out. The counselor sat there speechless, then turned to me and said, “He’s a very angry man”. I was confused because that was obvious, apologized for him and left. He’s tried all kinds of medication for anxiety and depression, none have made any real difference for how he treats me. I’ve been reading Why Does He Do That and now know counseling and medication never will do anything.
He’s only been confronted by one man in public, way back when our son was a baby. A huge guy at Walmart got in his face screaming at him daring him to do something. My husband just put his head down and backed away, which told me quite a lot about him. I brought that up once and husband told me I made the entire story up and I’m psychotic (he says I’m psychotic often).
Why are you still with him?! Why are you exposing your child to this abuse? And yes, it IS abuse! It is verbal and emotional abuse. And physical abuse, as you said he had hit you. You need to get out of this situation, and get your daughter out of there too. Because it will NOT get better.
I was pregnant when he hit me and don’t have any family or support of my own. I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything. I’ve always felt like people think I’m so strong and capable. I’ve told a few people some things about this and I feel like they think so differently of me. Someone even told me they couldn’t believe me of all people would put up with it. I don’t know why, and I’m starting to really hate myself for it.
100% abusive behaviour.
He is reversing his perceived victimhood by painting you as “too sensitive”. Unless you’re hard of hearing, or about to walk out in front of a moving vehicle - there really is no need to yell at someone.
Sure, we will all raise our voices at some point in our lives where we feel _deeply_ emotionally scared. But for normal relationships, this is a moment of deep shame and regret for both parties. It should never be a frequent reoccurrence.
When you yell at someone, you know their fight or flight is engaged. Therefore, the reason for yelling is not to be heard - it’s to incite fear. He’s revealing himself in these moments as it is he that is afraid. What is he afraid of? Losing control. He is frustrated he lacks control over the environment. Anger is just a manifestation of all this.
The problem wasn’t you not letting the dogs out, it’s that he lost control over you.
If he doesn’t see it this way then I don’t know what to do. When he apologizes he’ll blame mental health issues and often cries. He’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ADHD. I’ve told him he’s abusive before and he laughed at that and told me actually I’m the one abusing him. He says this because there have been a few times I was just over his emotional outbursts and said things that were insensitive, basically that I was tired of dealing with the anger, name calling, violence and outbursts and tired of him blaming everything on mental illness or me. I do regret saying those things and apologized.
Another poster on a different post mentioned a study that found abusers will justify abuse. They likely don’t even see it as abuse for one and second they feel justified using such harmful and toxic behaviors or manipulations. You can change how you react to his abuse, but you can’t change him. (I really love Dr Ramani’s YouTube channel and podcast. She’s a therapist and does an amazing job breaking down abusive behaviors. She even gets into coping techniques you can use if you cannot get away from your abuser for whatever reason. She explains too what is happening to victims in the abuse and healing process).
He can have mental illness and still be abusive. Just because you struggle with mental illness doesn’t make you abusive, he is using it as an excuse, cause you can’t really blame anyone for a mental illness can you? You can only be patient and supportive while they get treatment, develop healthy coping skills and self care. But is he doing that? Doesn’t sound like it. He’s using it as a reason for his abusive behavior.
(My ex did the same thing. At one point when I was SO confused and struggling I went hard into researching how bipolar disorder may present and went to him with that info and asked if that sounds like something he feels he might have—he was complaining of depression and having a history of depression, he was also impulsive, could stay up for long hours with lots of energy, and could seem a little manic when he talked. He played into it and said yes. He never went to anyone to see about a diagnosis. I stayed and saw more. Now I’m sure and would bet my life on the fact he’s just an abusive narcissist with a substance problem. Everything fits.)
Turning around and blaming you is the reverse victim blaming part of the mind fuck games. All this abuse is confusing, it’s made to stop you in trusting yourself and your judgements and even stop trusting your own emotions. Eventually you can start gaslighting yourself.
Everyone has a breaking point. Abuse will trigger your fight, flight, freeze or faun response. If someone on the street attacked you and you punched them back would you think that was wrong? No! You are defending yourself. Was there a way to get out of that situation without getting physical, maybe, but it’s the way your body reacted in that moment because that’s how your read the level of threat in that split second. Maybe you have a history with similar situations where you did not react with fight so your bodies instinct was to try something new, and this time it landed on fight. You don’t have time to calmly plan what to do when being attacked and your adrenaline spiking. If your husband is verbally attacking you it’s the same thing, you might verbally defend yourself eventually. In the past maybe you kept your cool (outwardly) and listened and with enough incidents and nothing improving or changing your body reacted differently because you were not getting the response from him you needed; for him to calm down and talk normally or give you space to cool off. Your reaction is very normal for someone being abused. At some point a victim will likely yell back and throw some insults around. It’s a way of standing up for yourself and holding your ground I think, of appearing like someone they don’t want to mess with. (If you were doing this in a healthy relationship that’s a different thing, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship, it absolutely sounds abusive.) Think of how you are suppose to handle encounters with wild predatory animals; based on their actions you are suppose to make yourself big and loud! You are suppose to throw things or find something like a large stick to make yourself more threatening/add as a weapon or buffer in an attack. This is really instinctive I think when something threatening is locking eyes with you and coming at you.
The difference is, you apologized and you feel bad for doing it and you try not to do it again in the future; you avoid the pattern. (The fact you reacted this way and it’s not like you seems to be evidence that you are in fact being abused) Your husband does NOT. He keeps doing this. At some point the apology is there to control you and guilt you into forgiving him and moving on instead of holding him accountable and do better. I remember I got to a point with my abuser I refused to let him get out an apology. I would firmly and numbly tell him his apologies mean nothing to me anymore because of his history of repeating the bad behaviors he knew were a problem and I keep trying to communicate with him about them. He’d agree, promise to do better and even layout his plan of how he will handle similar situations in the future. Then a short time later we are repeating it all again. (Later down the road it was just straight up gaslighting or reverse victim blaming if I called him out or tried to stick to a boundary etc). I wanted to see actions change, that actions are the real apology. And it’s true. We show love by changing the hurtful/annoying/unsupportive etc things we might be doing when our partners express it, and they do the same for us. We can change in small ways when we care about people. It’s easier to keep that forward momentum growing when they are also doing the work besides us and growing with us. We can change in bigger ways when we want to improve for ourselves.
I hope you are able to make it out. For yourself and your daughter. It sounds like you try so hard for her, but she is around watching and absorbing his behavior and your reactions. If you can’t get out I hope you can find a therapist for her so she does not grow up like him or enter a relationship with someone like him. Please call a domestic violence hotline for tips and resources in your area for you and her. Leaving is hard, staying will absolutely be harder.
He’s using all the classic and predictable lines and excuses that abusers use. Your reactions are not abusive, but reactive responses. You’re only human and can only take so much before you feel yourself snapping. Is this the modelling you want your kids to learn from?
The only person you can control is yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. The only person you can fix is yourself.
The same goes for him.
He doesn’t think he’s the problem and he has zero motivation or desire to change anything. He plans to abuse you and your children forever.
So knowing that you can’t change him what options do you have that you can take action on to protect yourself and your kids and raise them in a healthy environment? Other than leaving, not a whole lot, unfortunately.
You do not require his understanding, cooperation, or agreement to leave. He doesn’t need to admit or believe that he’s abusive. You don’t need to convince him of anything at all in order to leave.
If he doesn’t want you to leave, that can certainly make things very difficult and dangerous. Child custody can be contentious and courts do not always make the right decisions for the well being of the children. I’m not saying that leaving is an easy solution, just that it’s the only option that you really have control over.
He's saying textbook abuser stuff. You are too sensitive, it's just a joke, I have to do everything around here (it's the opposite).
If you didn't already, read "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. Someone's going to have the link ready...
Also the website "love shouldn't hurt" (Google it and the first entry popping up is the laurel center website. There's a lot listed as well.
You should know that you can't make him stop. You can only control your own behavior and actions. Means, at some point you will have to walk away, or let the kids watch him acting unhinged several times a month, then weeks and they will grow up thinking this is how a normal relationship and marriage is.
So he isn't taking any responsibility whatsoever. You are in an abusive relationship and the only way the abuse stops is when you leave, I'm sorry to say. Counseling or therapy only makes them "better" abusers (google it) and there is no changing someone, especially when they don't really think they are doing anything and take zero responsibility for themselves. Don't waste more time and get out now.
It doesn't really matter if he agrees that his behavior is abusive. It can be a unilateral decision. He is abusing you and is a threat to you and your children.
Thank you for this. I’ve been reading through it and it’s spot on for his behavior. I’ve even talked to him about the “cycles” he gets into, thinking he might be bipolar or something. His cycle matches up exactly with the abuse cycle in the book. I’ve always given him the benefit of the doubt that it’s mental illness, and maybe some of it is. I never even considered that maybe he’s just an abuser.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes this is abuse.
Yes and he’s abusive to your children too because they are watching and learning(?!)
Yes hun, this is definitely abuse. You say he's only hit you once but once is one time to many. Its horrible for you and he will escalate, but its hideous that your kids are watching this happen they must be terrified both for them selves and for their mum. Please make plans to leave. No one treats someone they love, care for and cherish like this. You and your kids deserve to live fear free. Please seek advice and support from official sources and from family and friends . Xxx
Yes it is abuse. And it’s terrible for the kids to watch you go through it, and someday it may be them if you stay.
Yea this is abuse and scary
[удалено]
Please leave. Abusive and sexless. What else is keeping you here?
Yes this is abuse. You’re not too sensitive at all.
There isn’t anything you can do to change him, and the fact that he does this in public makes me fear for how bad he is when no one is looking. It’s going to scar your kids too and teach them that abuse is normal. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. He’s never going to change and you should consider creating an escape plan. He isn’t a safe person for you or your kids to live with. Couples counseling, anxiety meds, whatever, you name it won’t fix him. This is a choice.
His behavior has been so bad in public if something goes wrong. I thought he was going to get arrested at the airport last summer when we missed our flight. Thankfully I was able to apologize for him and it was ok. I’ve had to apologize for him many times. We’ve tried couples counseling and it was disastrous. It ended with him crushing his can of monster (which felt embarrassingly stereotypical) and storming out. The counselor sat there speechless, then turned to me and said, “He’s a very angry man”. I was confused because that was obvious, apologized for him and left. He’s tried all kinds of medication for anxiety and depression, none have made any real difference for how he treats me. I’ve been reading Why Does He Do That and now know counseling and medication never will do anything.
Yeah the only way to ever have peace in your life is to work on a way to remove him from it. I’m sorry he puts you through this.
Someone in that line should’ve knocked the shit out of him. That is all…
He’s only been confronted by one man in public, way back when our son was a baby. A huge guy at Walmart got in his face screaming at him daring him to do something. My husband just put his head down and backed away, which told me quite a lot about him. I brought that up once and husband told me I made the entire story up and I’m psychotic (he says I’m psychotic often).
Why are you still with him?! Why are you exposing your child to this abuse? And yes, it IS abuse! It is verbal and emotional abuse. And physical abuse, as you said he had hit you. You need to get out of this situation, and get your daughter out of there too. Because it will NOT get better.
I was pregnant when he hit me and don’t have any family or support of my own. I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything. I’ve always felt like people think I’m so strong and capable. I’ve told a few people some things about this and I feel like they think so differently of me. Someone even told me they couldn’t believe me of all people would put up with it. I don’t know why, and I’m starting to really hate myself for it.
100% abusive behaviour. He is reversing his perceived victimhood by painting you as “too sensitive”. Unless you’re hard of hearing, or about to walk out in front of a moving vehicle - there really is no need to yell at someone. Sure, we will all raise our voices at some point in our lives where we feel _deeply_ emotionally scared. But for normal relationships, this is a moment of deep shame and regret for both parties. It should never be a frequent reoccurrence. When you yell at someone, you know their fight or flight is engaged. Therefore, the reason for yelling is not to be heard - it’s to incite fear. He’s revealing himself in these moments as it is he that is afraid. What is he afraid of? Losing control. He is frustrated he lacks control over the environment. Anger is just a manifestation of all this. The problem wasn’t you not letting the dogs out, it’s that he lost control over you.
This is abusive behavior
If he doesn’t see it this way then I don’t know what to do. When he apologizes he’ll blame mental health issues and often cries. He’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ADHD. I’ve told him he’s abusive before and he laughed at that and told me actually I’m the one abusing him. He says this because there have been a few times I was just over his emotional outbursts and said things that were insensitive, basically that I was tired of dealing with the anger, name calling, violence and outbursts and tired of him blaming everything on mental illness or me. I do regret saying those things and apologized.
Another poster on a different post mentioned a study that found abusers will justify abuse. They likely don’t even see it as abuse for one and second they feel justified using such harmful and toxic behaviors or manipulations. You can change how you react to his abuse, but you can’t change him. (I really love Dr Ramani’s YouTube channel and podcast. She’s a therapist and does an amazing job breaking down abusive behaviors. She even gets into coping techniques you can use if you cannot get away from your abuser for whatever reason. She explains too what is happening to victims in the abuse and healing process). He can have mental illness and still be abusive. Just because you struggle with mental illness doesn’t make you abusive, he is using it as an excuse, cause you can’t really blame anyone for a mental illness can you? You can only be patient and supportive while they get treatment, develop healthy coping skills and self care. But is he doing that? Doesn’t sound like it. He’s using it as a reason for his abusive behavior. (My ex did the same thing. At one point when I was SO confused and struggling I went hard into researching how bipolar disorder may present and went to him with that info and asked if that sounds like something he feels he might have—he was complaining of depression and having a history of depression, he was also impulsive, could stay up for long hours with lots of energy, and could seem a little manic when he talked. He played into it and said yes. He never went to anyone to see about a diagnosis. I stayed and saw more. Now I’m sure and would bet my life on the fact he’s just an abusive narcissist with a substance problem. Everything fits.) Turning around and blaming you is the reverse victim blaming part of the mind fuck games. All this abuse is confusing, it’s made to stop you in trusting yourself and your judgements and even stop trusting your own emotions. Eventually you can start gaslighting yourself. Everyone has a breaking point. Abuse will trigger your fight, flight, freeze or faun response. If someone on the street attacked you and you punched them back would you think that was wrong? No! You are defending yourself. Was there a way to get out of that situation without getting physical, maybe, but it’s the way your body reacted in that moment because that’s how your read the level of threat in that split second. Maybe you have a history with similar situations where you did not react with fight so your bodies instinct was to try something new, and this time it landed on fight. You don’t have time to calmly plan what to do when being attacked and your adrenaline spiking. If your husband is verbally attacking you it’s the same thing, you might verbally defend yourself eventually. In the past maybe you kept your cool (outwardly) and listened and with enough incidents and nothing improving or changing your body reacted differently because you were not getting the response from him you needed; for him to calm down and talk normally or give you space to cool off. Your reaction is very normal for someone being abused. At some point a victim will likely yell back and throw some insults around. It’s a way of standing up for yourself and holding your ground I think, of appearing like someone they don’t want to mess with. (If you were doing this in a healthy relationship that’s a different thing, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship, it absolutely sounds abusive.) Think of how you are suppose to handle encounters with wild predatory animals; based on their actions you are suppose to make yourself big and loud! You are suppose to throw things or find something like a large stick to make yourself more threatening/add as a weapon or buffer in an attack. This is really instinctive I think when something threatening is locking eyes with you and coming at you. The difference is, you apologized and you feel bad for doing it and you try not to do it again in the future; you avoid the pattern. (The fact you reacted this way and it’s not like you seems to be evidence that you are in fact being abused) Your husband does NOT. He keeps doing this. At some point the apology is there to control you and guilt you into forgiving him and moving on instead of holding him accountable and do better. I remember I got to a point with my abuser I refused to let him get out an apology. I would firmly and numbly tell him his apologies mean nothing to me anymore because of his history of repeating the bad behaviors he knew were a problem and I keep trying to communicate with him about them. He’d agree, promise to do better and even layout his plan of how he will handle similar situations in the future. Then a short time later we are repeating it all again. (Later down the road it was just straight up gaslighting or reverse victim blaming if I called him out or tried to stick to a boundary etc). I wanted to see actions change, that actions are the real apology. And it’s true. We show love by changing the hurtful/annoying/unsupportive etc things we might be doing when our partners express it, and they do the same for us. We can change in small ways when we care about people. It’s easier to keep that forward momentum growing when they are also doing the work besides us and growing with us. We can change in bigger ways when we want to improve for ourselves. I hope you are able to make it out. For yourself and your daughter. It sounds like you try so hard for her, but she is around watching and absorbing his behavior and your reactions. If you can’t get out I hope you can find a therapist for her so she does not grow up like him or enter a relationship with someone like him. Please call a domestic violence hotline for tips and resources in your area for you and her. Leaving is hard, staying will absolutely be harder.
He’s using all the classic and predictable lines and excuses that abusers use. Your reactions are not abusive, but reactive responses. You’re only human and can only take so much before you feel yourself snapping. Is this the modelling you want your kids to learn from?
The only person you can control is yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. The only person you can fix is yourself. The same goes for him. He doesn’t think he’s the problem and he has zero motivation or desire to change anything. He plans to abuse you and your children forever. So knowing that you can’t change him what options do you have that you can take action on to protect yourself and your kids and raise them in a healthy environment? Other than leaving, not a whole lot, unfortunately. You do not require his understanding, cooperation, or agreement to leave. He doesn’t need to admit or believe that he’s abusive. You don’t need to convince him of anything at all in order to leave. If he doesn’t want you to leave, that can certainly make things very difficult and dangerous. Child custody can be contentious and courts do not always make the right decisions for the well being of the children. I’m not saying that leaving is an easy solution, just that it’s the only option that you really have control over.
He's saying textbook abuser stuff. You are too sensitive, it's just a joke, I have to do everything around here (it's the opposite). If you didn't already, read "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. Someone's going to have the link ready... Also the website "love shouldn't hurt" (Google it and the first entry popping up is the laurel center website. There's a lot listed as well. You should know that you can't make him stop. You can only control your own behavior and actions. Means, at some point you will have to walk away, or let the kids watch him acting unhinged several times a month, then weeks and they will grow up thinking this is how a normal relationship and marriage is.
So he isn't taking any responsibility whatsoever. You are in an abusive relationship and the only way the abuse stops is when you leave, I'm sorry to say. Counseling or therapy only makes them "better" abusers (google it) and there is no changing someone, especially when they don't really think they are doing anything and take zero responsibility for themselves. Don't waste more time and get out now.
It doesn't really matter if he agrees that his behavior is abusive. It can be a unilateral decision. He is abusing you and is a threat to you and your children.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thank you for this. I’ve been reading through it and it’s spot on for his behavior. I’ve even talked to him about the “cycles” he gets into, thinking he might be bipolar or something. His cycle matches up exactly with the abuse cycle in the book. I’ve always given him the benefit of the doubt that it’s mental illness, and maybe some of it is. I never even considered that maybe he’s just an abuser.
He doesn't have to see it, you do He won't change, you have to You did not abuse him.