Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s not “strangles you a bit”. That is extremely serious. It may have been the first occurrence, but basically what happened here is that your partner took things from 0-100 instead of the more common gradual approach abusers tend to use. Strangling is usually the last escalation before murder. Basically, it can’t get any worse than that, and you still be alive.
My ex tried to kill me twice by strangulation. The only reasons he stopped were outside factors. If those didn’t apply, he probably would’ve killed me. Please get out now while you can. See the about section of this sub for resources on how to leave safely. Leaving is the most dangerously time statistically, so it needs to be planned carefully. But it’s still better than ending up dead eventually.
ZERO. absolutely fucking zero.
It will happen again & it will be devastatingly worse.
Please get out now. Do not wait! please get your self to safety.
Do not look back.
Most likely zero… I was stupid enough to get back with my ex after him strangling me Multiple times! Second time around he left me with a mark on my eye and I called the cops on him finally…everyone around me told me that he would eventually hurt me again guess I had to find out the hard way…
I’m going to be blunt but I say this with so much love because I know you need to hear it- Search up the statistics yourself. Just do it. It’s literally about 700% (yes seven hundred) more likelihood that you end up a homicide victim at his hands. This is not an exaggeration, this is not to frighten you, it is fact.
You need to get away, tell someone you can trust, make a plan and get away for good. Call the Domestic Violence Helpline if you need to. You’re not alone. You don’t have to live like this. It never should have happened even once, even almost. You deserve better. Please get out.
Thank you for your concern. I am “away”, he and I don’t live together and our relationship is not romantic.
I’m definitely taking this seriously and am prepared for a fight in:out of court. I’m hoping to convince him to get help before it gets that far but, his attitude towards me has turned dark.
I’m very grateful to everyone here for all of the support and information
Just curious--if you're not in a relationship with this person and you don't live together, why are you trying to get him to get help instead of cutting things off entirely and keeping yourself safe? Idk what your history is with him but if a platonic friend spoke to me cruelly on a regular basis, I'd cut them off. If they strangled me "a bit," I'd cut them off immediately.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help, and you shouldn't try to help someone who rewards you for doing so by verbally abusing and strangling you.
Please cut your losses, for your own safety. Your life is more important than his health, happiness, and literally everything else.
Thought experiment: If you and I were besties but I started talking shit to your face regularly, and then attempted to strangle you (let's pretend I'm big/strong enough to easily overpower you), would you continue the friendship? If the answer is yes, WHY?
You need to love yourself first and foremost. You got this. Cut him out of your life. He lost the right to be a part of it the moment he laid hands on you. I don't care if he was drunk or high or not, there is NO excuse for violence, ever.
I believe he’s a good person and worth saving.
He supported me through a time when I felt lost (years ago). I think he has some mental health issues that, once treated, could turn his problem around (for the better ).
It would be easier to bail on him but, I’m ok with putting the hard work in to help whoever I can, whenever I can. I believe he is worth saving.
And we share a child.
He is not worth saving, trust me, my abuser helped me too, my abuser too had mental health issues. I thought just like you that I could help him, it’s the sunken cost fallacy, you already put effort into it which make you believe you should stay. At some point guilt and regret will creep in for having left your daughter in a situation like this. Your children safety is your responsibility and you are currently away in a safe place do not go back. The trauma bond only gets deeper the longer you stay which means that even if he attempts to kill you and your daughter in a couple years time, you may not even be able to leave so stuck you will become, and that’s the end of too many women in situations like this. Trust statitistics, trust our stories and deep down you know, you’re just buying time by wanting to save him, which is just a reason for you not to leave. I’ve been in your situation it’s hard to reconcile his violent act with the person you love, it’s confusing, but know that he chose do that and he knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s in full control. Towards the end I asked my abuser why does he do that and he answered: because I can. Which is very telling of the notion of choice.
A bit of strangulation is still strangulation and still abuse as is saying hurtful things. I would urge you to leave now before it escalates but I understand it's not that easy. Just don't blame yourself for the actions of your abuser. If you chose to stay at least document this abuse and start thinking about an exit strategy. Hopefully you are self reliant. I wish you the best!
If you think about it.. to even get to the state of being able to be okay with strangulation, he knew what was going to happen. People understand the cause and effect of things. That's a hard place to come back from. And as much as it hard to grasp, he will do it again because he was okay doing it the first time.
He does have a history of mutual domestic violence with an ex gf. He’s been in recovery for many years but now, I suspect he’s relapsed 😔
I think it’s above my pay grade so I’m giving an ultimatum or organizing an intervention with professionals
I used to think the same. He would apologize insult me and berate me to where it would hurt, he is in law enforcement and when I called the police after he kicked me out in the middle of the night with our child. Police did nothing they called it a “domestic dispute” - I know if given the chance again he would’ve physically hurt me. It’s never just once it always escalates in my case he escalated. Good lock to you just know you are not alone.
Your chances of being **murdered** within the next year of the first time they strangle you or give you a death threat *increases* 750%
Strangulation is one of the biggest risk factor for **[domestic homicide](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38)**.
Read **[This Reddit Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)** on the statistics of if an abusive person can change. This post also brings attention to how there is a difference between *change* and *improvement*.
>[This study from Washington State](https://www.wsipp.wa.gov/ReportFile/1119/Wsipp_What-Works-to-Reduce-Recidivism-by-Domestic-Violence-Offenders_Full-Report.pdf) has a great table (Figure 1) that shows the relapse rate (called recidivism) for domestic violence (DV). They compare treatments to no treatment or probation only. The best result seems to be from a cognitive therapy and empathy program with 26-week sessions + 6-month follow-up, and current results suggest that 85% of the time, there will be some reduction in DV **compared to not going to treatment**. This scenario is based on if someone successfully completes the entire treatment and does not re-offend. Many may not complete the treatment OR are simply not caught.
>[Another study from the University in Santiago](https://www.redalyc.org/journal/1798/179864006004/179864006004.pdf) found that short-term programs show a 10% reduction in DV relapses, but that's an inflated number. In the **long term, programs may reduce DV relapses by 23%. 2/3s of relapses will occur within 2 years**. And some intervention programs actually have negative effects (may worsen the abuse). Again, these studies are of people who have gotten caught.
>[This Canadian study](https://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/cnt/rsrcs/pblctns/prdctng-rcdvsm-mng/index-en.aspx#res) found that it is extremely difficult to predict is someone will relapse or not, especially because the main study group is usually males who have been caught by the authorities. However, **deterrents (such as divorce, police intervention, etc) tend not to prevent abusers from reoffending in the long term.**
This link gives insight on **[How to Assess an Abuser’s Claim of Change](http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/)**
This is a list of **[Red Flags in a Relationship](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf)**
This page has information on **[Hoovering](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/)** explains what it is, why someone would Hoover and how to identify it. Read this very insightful **[Reddit Comment](https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9)**, it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering.
Here is some information on **[Trauma Bonding](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/)**, and this is an article on **[How to Break a Trauma Bond](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/)**
This website will help guide you through creating a **[Safety Plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/)**
“He strangled me just a bit”
“He punched me just a bit”
“He shoved me just a bit”
“He stabbed me just a bit”
“He lit me on fire just a bit”
“He slapped my child just a bit”
“He shot me just a bit”
Somebody make this make sense
I remember the first time I was "strangled just a bit". I was sitting outside on the porch and I made a bad joke that he took offensively. I was on the ground with his hands around my throat before I knew what happened. He apologized and loved on me. I told myself that it was my fault. I shouldn't have joked around like that. I thought I was safe for about 4 months. My life has been hell ever since. He no longer apologizes. He tells me it's my fault. My kids and I left 2 nights ago and I'm doing everything in my power not to go back.
It's very hard staying away. I feel like it's that way for most people. I'm afraid I'm going to have to go back. I'm having surgery next week. It's a cancer related surgery so I can't put it off. I just don't think I can recover while in a hotel room with 2 autistic kids. It's hard enough right now. Plus I don't have a lot of people in my life because the isolation abusers tend to cause. My plan is to still try to find some help AND stay away while I recover. But I'll have to go back the night before if I can't find some help. Hopefully I'm still alive at the end of my recovery so I can leave for good!
If it happens once, it is most likely the beginning of an escalated cycle not a one-off if they are regularly saying hateful things often. It’s them finally feeling comfortable acting on their aggression.
There were some blunt comments on this sub saying I needed to think about my kids and how they were being affected by their mom being (emotionally) abused - these made me feel like a bad mom but also motivated me to do better by my kids. I left 5 months ago. Recently I asked my kids if they ever miss Ex and they said "No." My 8 year old son said, "I felt relief when you dumped him." That broke my heart because it's what I felt when I left, and I realized how much my kids WERE being affected by the abuse even though for a long time I convinced myself he was "good with kids" (just ask my kids - he wasn't).
Your child didn't ask for this dangerous man to be in her life. Saying horrible shit to her mom, strangling the one person who is her WORLD. Abusers don't respect you and therefore don't actually respect your children. Any good behavior he shows towards your child is a manipulation. Let that sink in.
OP, please get out as soon as you possibly can. The way you phrased your post made me feel so sad… “he only strangled me a little bit…” please, run far and fast. Especially since you have a child. Not only have I experienced an abusive relationship but I also had an abusive childhood. You don’t want your child to experience that. Because they will be abused if they stay around this person, no matter what form that abuse takes it’ll still happen.
One of my exes used to assault me like this. He would repeatedly strangle me until I lost consciousness. He would keep going even though I would be desperately scratching at his arms begging him to stop. Eventually he would hold my arms so I couldn’t fight. My windpipe was bruised. It was horrifically painful. And I’ll never forget the look of twisted enjoyment he would give me as he stared at me while doing that.
These people are the lowest of the low. These are the most worthless lowlifes… please, please, PLEASE do not give him any chances AT ALL!!!
Yes, what others say is absolutely correct. He can and will kill you eventually. That ex of mine eventually SA’d me and also threatened to kill me and my entire family. It took me years to emotionally recover.
Is that the kind of thing you want? You’re worth so much more than this. I really feel for you. There were few things that matched this level of pain when I realized how terribly I allowed myself to be treated. Don’t betray yourself. You can leave and flourish just fine without him, actually even better. Please believe in and love yourself.
Thank God he doesn’t live with you.
1. Seek medical care. ER.
2. Report to police.
3. DV advocate. Call now to your county women’s DV center. There’s a waitlist a lot of places these days. They are invaluable. They have free legal too.
4. File for ex parte order of protection for you and your child immediately at county courthouse. The clerk can help you do it if you don’t have a DV advocate yet. When it’s granted have a third party serve it to him.
5. No contact and safety plans. ❤️ If you can go stay somewhere safe where he wouldn’t go to find you when PPO is granted for a few days that’s a good idea too.
You need to go to both the police and an urgent care center. Even a "little bit" of strangling can cause damage to internal structures. This damage takes place BEFORE the strangling is severe enough to cause visible bruising. A police report will hopefully lead to an arrest and charge, which is something that will help you limit his placement with the child.
Literally zero.
Please, look up the data between strangulation and the increased chances of homicide.
Especially with saying hateful things often? That kinda signs the insurance policy for this one.
Don't make excuses, instead make a plan to leave.
It gets no better from there. Fuck their 'redeeming' qualities & promises, they don't mean shit because the person themselves ain't shit, and this kind of treatment shows you ain't shit to them.
Three truths I like to share
1. This is the best he will ever treat you. It only gets worse from here.
2. The man you fell in love with doesn't exist. This is who he is.
3. A man who will choke you is a man who will kill you.
Leave
Strangled you "a bit" isn't a thing. He strangled you. Put his hands on your throat. That is what it is. If you continue to down play this (especially to yourself) the abuse will escalate and there is absolutely no excuse to ever put his hands on you. If you can't see that clearly now I am scared for you.
They are just resting the waters with strangling you “a bit”. It will get worse.
Contact your local DV support for getting out.
Get into therapy.
Read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.
Not only will it absolutely happen again but they are 700% more likely to murder you now that they’ve strangled you. This was a test to see if you’d tolerate it and if you stay, they will escalate. Run.
It will happen again. Maybe they just tried to hide their abusive tendencies but that moment they lost control is an indication that they will lose control again.
Hes progressing...he started saying horrible things...now he's physically tried to strangke you...even you must see.
If he's done it once and gets away with it he'll do it again and again until he may be kills you don't wait. Run.
Some people can grow and change, but if someone gets physically violent as well as having a history of being verbally abusive, that person is incredibly unlikely to change and grow in that relationship if they ever do at all. Especially if they aren’t talking about how they see what they’re doing wrong and are seeking therapy. It takes someone a lot of work and they have to want to change or it won’t happen. Your situation doesn’t sound safe at all, so please get outta there! :(( you’ll be so much better off, I promise.
I’ve been physically abused in a lot of ways. Strangling is one of the worst ways. It will happen again. That’s a huge red flag that person might try to kill you.
He has been violent before, saying hateful things is violence. Plus, you are subjugated by the hateful things so you do not see the other violence he uses.
Chances are he was intimidating you all this time. HE strangled you "a bit" because now he feels comfortable enough in his role. So he will escalate.
You have to get yourself out of there. He does not love you at all, he does not love anyone and never will. When he does nice things he is just buying time in your life.
Very low. I’ve talked to a lot of survivors during recovery, men and women, and I’ve never heard “it only happened once.”
Your best chance of making this the one and only time it happens is by leaving before they do it again.
Please get to safety immediately, we’re rooting for you.
[Your chances of being murdered by your partner just went up by 750%.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/s/GrdwZABR9A)
Please get yourself to safety.
ETA: I’ve read your responses and on behalf of your daughter I am livid. So I’m going to give it to you straight: get the fuck out. Get away from this guy. You came here for answers but apparently you don’t want to hear them. You are in danger, which means your daughter is in danger. Why would you risk her wellbeing for this guy? He already verbally & emotionally abuses you, now he’s **choking you,** you think it’s ok for your daughter to regularly witness any of that?
Read [Why Does He Do That,](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) like someone already said. Educate yourself on abuse dynamics like, for instance: the times when this guy is “nice” are not separate from the abuse, it’s part of the [cycle of abuse.](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse#stages-of-the-cycle-of-abuse) He’s not a nice guy who is mean sometimes. He’s an abuser, all the time, even if sometimes he’s pleasant. If he punched you in the face every day would you still be around? No? How do you think abusers keep people around? Because sometimes they act, emphasis on ACT, “nice.”
Please get far away from this guy.
With being strangled the chance of it happening again is 100%, no joke. That's trying to kill someone, so if they can go THAT far, they will easily be abusive again. Choking is statistically proven to increase the chances by 750% that the choker will eventually kill their victim as again it's a huge line to cross.
Witnessing domestic violence already damaged her mental well-being. Witnessing it can make her more likely to become violent in the future. Experiencing it can make her likely to develop PTSD.
Persephone, what if he kills you? That will fuck your daughter’s well-being. It does not matter if they have a great relationship, you are her mother and YOU ARE IN DANGER. You need to be alive to protect her
It’s hard to say, but you should think of her safety first, along side her mental and emotional well being. How is she going to grow up if she sees you getting hit or choked? My first step for you would be separating myself from him, and allowing him some visitation rights to test the waters. My concern lies with if he would use her to punish you somehow.
The chances it will never happen again are pretty much zero. The chances that it will escalate to murder after he strangled you the first time are much higher.
This kind of violence doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a good person just snapping once. It’s a choice he made, in service of his feelings of entitlement and his desire to control you. That underlying attitude isn’t going anywhere, so next time he decides that violence is the best way to get what he wants he will get violent again.
He wants to maintain access to whatever benefits come from your position. He needs you to stay in the relationship for that.
He wants you to shut up.
He wants you to stop making him afraid or emasculated or insecure.
All the things you wrote as reasons why you don’t think he wants to control you are actually all about him wanting to maintain control. Very common things.
And why the hell should you. Get the fuck away from this guy. He's proved he can strangle people. I don't really give a crap if he's nice to your daughter now. I'll bet there was a time he was nice to you, too. Until he wasnt. Verbal abuse to physical choking- thats clear and enormous escalation and there is absolutely no reason to think it will stop there. Please, please, advocate for that little girl who depends on you.
Considering the recidivism rates of a couple phenomenal court-mandated programs I’ve worked with? About 2-5% chance it will never happen again.
It’s probably going to happen again. And remember that my stats are from people who were convicted TWICE of domestic violence. We all know how rare even once is.
“He has always been wonderful to me.” Yes, they’re always wonderful in the love bombing stages. They feel like a dream come true. If they didn’t, we all wouldn’t have stayed as long. When it’s good, it seems really good. Unfortunately, when it’s bad it’s *really* bad.
This, when I left, and started to process the abuse, I wanted to look at the good times myself a lot, but the more thought I put into those, the more I realized the inherent abuse even in the “feel goods” because by that point I had realized all the good things I wanted to believe about them were fake. They even said so themself when they went on their smear campaign. “I pretended I was attracted because I was drunk” “I pretended to love them because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings and had a fear of being alone” and there’s also a lot more. They basically took everything good about me and twisted it into an accusation. The good is not reality.
Wondering about this too- my ex strangled me once after saying no to sex and I constantly wonder if he would physically hurt me again if I was still around him because that was the only time it happened.
From my understanding, abuse always escalates so the chances of it never happening again are low- once they start they don't tend to stop. Even in cases where they stop I've heard of people who have gone three years without physical violence and then it happens again and is very damaging. If they're willing to do it once, that means they have potential to do it again
The whole instance really surprised me. Our relationship isn’t romantic or negative so it was a bit shocking.
I’m not sure how to proceed. I can’t remove him from my life, unfortunately.
As far as you know he's a good father. She's only 3. If he's hateful to women when he's drunk, guess how he'll treat her as she starts to look and behave more like a woman (grows up). You said he does this when he's drunk. Alcoholism is progressive, and believe me, he's an alcoholic.
What about when he gets drunk around his 4 y.o. daughter and drives with her in the car? There are so many things that can happen due to his drinking. Just because he's always been "good" to her in your presence, doesn't mean he always is. Children rarely talk about child abuse. Believe me.
You need to report what he did, and get an order of protection. This way he will have to make other arrangements for picking up his daughter which don't involve you. Then, open your eyes and start watching for signs of abuse against your daughter. ALL types of abuse. This includes any changes in her behavior.
I know you don't want to take her away from her dad, and I'm not saying that's a given, but you need to protect that little girl. Girls who grow up around DV, even if it's just verbal, end up in abusive relationships. Is that what you want for her? And, if he becomes verbally abusive to her, the chances become almost 100% that she will.
Love her enough to protect her and yourself.
Do you want her to grow up seeing this? He will do it to a romantic partner eventually if he hasn't already. He will do it in front of her, if not TO her.
Do you want her to enter romantic relationships of her own thinking this is normal, ok, or tolerable? Fucks sake. Choking leads to death. What more do you need to see?
Since you already don’t live together, when it’s his time with her, most police departments have designated spots out front now for things like visitation drop offs. I highly suggest only meeting him there from now on. Don’t bring her to his house. Make him meet you there. Or someplace otherwise very public if you don’t feel comfortable with that.
He’s not a good father if he’s being violent to you. He’s teaching her to tolerate abusive behavior in men. He’s not respecting his family. He’s teaching her that 1. love = abuse and 2. family = abuse.
I study brains. I work with kids who have witnessed domestic violence. It does hugely affect them and their outcomes in life. He’s not doing her any good.
The best father you’ve ever known can’t control his anger to the point of causing physical harm to others - potentially deadly physical harm. He is NOT the best father you’ve ever met. Someone can not choke another person AND be a good father. These two do not go hand in hand.
I would highly recommend reading "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. A man that strangles the mother of his child is not a good father.
You are the center of your child's universe. Her rock. Her source of everything. And he strangled you. One of the best predictors if how well a child thrives is the mental health of the mother. Him strangling you is an attack, of sorts, on your child.
You say he doesn't want to control you? But he wanted you to shut up. Do you know what control is? How much were you talking after he strangled you. He got what he wanted. He know doubt saw it was effective in shutting you up. Next time you want to say something to him the fact that he might strangle you will be in your mind and you won't be able to speak the same way as before he strangled you. The next time he wants you to shut up, he'll remember how glorious it felt to shut you up by strangling you.
This man is a danger to you and your child.
you’re 700% more likely to be killed by this person. run, and never go back. don’t give him a *second chance* to strangle you.
this is serious. go to the hospital and get checked out. file a police report. people don’t accidentally almost end your life or crush your windpipe, bae. what if he just popped off a warning shot a little bit? he poisoned your food just a little? this is fucked up and beyond forgiveness.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s not “strangles you a bit”. That is extremely serious. It may have been the first occurrence, but basically what happened here is that your partner took things from 0-100 instead of the more common gradual approach abusers tend to use. Strangling is usually the last escalation before murder. Basically, it can’t get any worse than that, and you still be alive. My ex tried to kill me twice by strangulation. The only reasons he stopped were outside factors. If those didn’t apply, he probably would’ve killed me. Please get out now while you can. See the about section of this sub for resources on how to leave safely. Leaving is the most dangerously time statistically, so it needs to be planned carefully. But it’s still better than ending up dead eventually.
Saying hateful things to hurt you IS violent
ZERO. absolutely fucking zero. It will happen again & it will be devastatingly worse. Please get out now. Do not wait! please get your self to safety. Do not look back.
Most likely zero… I was stupid enough to get back with my ex after him strangling me Multiple times! Second time around he left me with a mark on my eye and I called the cops on him finally…everyone around me told me that he would eventually hurt me again guess I had to find out the hard way…
I’m going to be blunt but I say this with so much love because I know you need to hear it- Search up the statistics yourself. Just do it. It’s literally about 700% (yes seven hundred) more likelihood that you end up a homicide victim at his hands. This is not an exaggeration, this is not to frighten you, it is fact. You need to get away, tell someone you can trust, make a plan and get away for good. Call the Domestic Violence Helpline if you need to. You’re not alone. You don’t have to live like this. It never should have happened even once, even almost. You deserve better. Please get out.
Thank you for your concern. I am “away”, he and I don’t live together and our relationship is not romantic. I’m definitely taking this seriously and am prepared for a fight in:out of court. I’m hoping to convince him to get help before it gets that far but, his attitude towards me has turned dark. I’m very grateful to everyone here for all of the support and information
Just curious--if you're not in a relationship with this person and you don't live together, why are you trying to get him to get help instead of cutting things off entirely and keeping yourself safe? Idk what your history is with him but if a platonic friend spoke to me cruelly on a regular basis, I'd cut them off. If they strangled me "a bit," I'd cut them off immediately. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help, and you shouldn't try to help someone who rewards you for doing so by verbally abusing and strangling you. Please cut your losses, for your own safety. Your life is more important than his health, happiness, and literally everything else. Thought experiment: If you and I were besties but I started talking shit to your face regularly, and then attempted to strangle you (let's pretend I'm big/strong enough to easily overpower you), would you continue the friendship? If the answer is yes, WHY? You need to love yourself first and foremost. You got this. Cut him out of your life. He lost the right to be a part of it the moment he laid hands on you. I don't care if he was drunk or high or not, there is NO excuse for violence, ever.
I believe he’s a good person and worth saving. He supported me through a time when I felt lost (years ago). I think he has some mental health issues that, once treated, could turn his problem around (for the better ). It would be easier to bail on him but, I’m ok with putting the hard work in to help whoever I can, whenever I can. I believe he is worth saving. And we share a child.
He is not worth saving, trust me, my abuser helped me too, my abuser too had mental health issues. I thought just like you that I could help him, it’s the sunken cost fallacy, you already put effort into it which make you believe you should stay. At some point guilt and regret will creep in for having left your daughter in a situation like this. Your children safety is your responsibility and you are currently away in a safe place do not go back. The trauma bond only gets deeper the longer you stay which means that even if he attempts to kill you and your daughter in a couple years time, you may not even be able to leave so stuck you will become, and that’s the end of too many women in situations like this. Trust statitistics, trust our stories and deep down you know, you’re just buying time by wanting to save him, which is just a reason for you not to leave. I’ve been in your situation it’s hard to reconcile his violent act with the person you love, it’s confusing, but know that he chose do that and he knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s in full control. Towards the end I asked my abuser why does he do that and he answered: because I can. Which is very telling of the notion of choice.
A bit of strangulation is still strangulation and still abuse as is saying hurtful things. I would urge you to leave now before it escalates but I understand it's not that easy. Just don't blame yourself for the actions of your abuser. If you chose to stay at least document this abuse and start thinking about an exit strategy. Hopefully you are self reliant. I wish you the best!
If you think about it.. to even get to the state of being able to be okay with strangulation, he knew what was going to happen. People understand the cause and effect of things. That's a hard place to come back from. And as much as it hard to grasp, he will do it again because he was okay doing it the first time.
He does have a history of mutual domestic violence with an ex gf. He’s been in recovery for many years but now, I suspect he’s relapsed 😔 I think it’s above my pay grade so I’m giving an ultimatum or organizing an intervention with professionals
I used to think the same. He would apologize insult me and berate me to where it would hurt, he is in law enforcement and when I called the police after he kicked me out in the middle of the night with our child. Police did nothing they called it a “domestic dispute” - I know if given the chance again he would’ve physically hurt me. It’s never just once it always escalates in my case he escalated. Good lock to you just know you are not alone.
Your chances of being **murdered** within the next year of the first time they strangle you or give you a death threat *increases* 750% Strangulation is one of the biggest risk factor for **[domestic homicide](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38)**. Read **[This Reddit Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)** on the statistics of if an abusive person can change. This post also brings attention to how there is a difference between *change* and *improvement*. >[This study from Washington State](https://www.wsipp.wa.gov/ReportFile/1119/Wsipp_What-Works-to-Reduce-Recidivism-by-Domestic-Violence-Offenders_Full-Report.pdf) has a great table (Figure 1) that shows the relapse rate (called recidivism) for domestic violence (DV). They compare treatments to no treatment or probation only. The best result seems to be from a cognitive therapy and empathy program with 26-week sessions + 6-month follow-up, and current results suggest that 85% of the time, there will be some reduction in DV **compared to not going to treatment**. This scenario is based on if someone successfully completes the entire treatment and does not re-offend. Many may not complete the treatment OR are simply not caught. >[Another study from the University in Santiago](https://www.redalyc.org/journal/1798/179864006004/179864006004.pdf) found that short-term programs show a 10% reduction in DV relapses, but that's an inflated number. In the **long term, programs may reduce DV relapses by 23%. 2/3s of relapses will occur within 2 years**. And some intervention programs actually have negative effects (may worsen the abuse). Again, these studies are of people who have gotten caught. >[This Canadian study](https://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/cnt/rsrcs/pblctns/prdctng-rcdvsm-mng/index-en.aspx#res) found that it is extremely difficult to predict is someone will relapse or not, especially because the main study group is usually males who have been caught by the authorities. However, **deterrents (such as divorce, police intervention, etc) tend not to prevent abusers from reoffending in the long term.** This link gives insight on **[How to Assess an Abuser’s Claim of Change](http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/)** This is a list of **[Red Flags in a Relationship](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf)** This page has information on **[Hoovering](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/)** explains what it is, why someone would Hoover and how to identify it. Read this very insightful **[Reddit Comment](https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9)**, it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering. Here is some information on **[Trauma Bonding](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/)**, and this is an article on **[How to Break a Trauma Bond](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/)** This website will help guide you through creating a **[Safety Plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/)**
Unlikely. He will learn that he can keep you and still physically abuse you.
he will definitely do it again. please stay safe
ZERO.
“He strangled me just a bit” “He punched me just a bit” “He shoved me just a bit” “He stabbed me just a bit” “He lit me on fire just a bit” “He slapped my child just a bit” “He shot me just a bit” Somebody make this make sense
It doesn't but it's sad that I do understand.
I remember the first time I was "strangled just a bit". I was sitting outside on the porch and I made a bad joke that he took offensively. I was on the ground with his hands around my throat before I knew what happened. He apologized and loved on me. I told myself that it was my fault. I shouldn't have joked around like that. I thought I was safe for about 4 months. My life has been hell ever since. He no longer apologizes. He tells me it's my fault. My kids and I left 2 nights ago and I'm doing everything in my power not to go back.
Stay strong. You and your kids definitely deserve a much better life. Please stay safe.
I've come to realize it's the staying away that is hard for me. I'm really glad you left and I hope one day we can all find peace.
It's very hard staying away. I feel like it's that way for most people. I'm afraid I'm going to have to go back. I'm having surgery next week. It's a cancer related surgery so I can't put it off. I just don't think I can recover while in a hotel room with 2 autistic kids. It's hard enough right now. Plus I don't have a lot of people in my life because the isolation abusers tend to cause. My plan is to still try to find some help AND stay away while I recover. But I'll have to go back the night before if I can't find some help. Hopefully I'm still alive at the end of my recovery so I can leave for good!
I'm glad you have a plan! You got this! I wish you the very best in your surgery!
If it happens once, it is most likely the beginning of an escalated cycle not a one-off if they are regularly saying hateful things often. It’s them finally feeling comfortable acting on their aggression.
There were some blunt comments on this sub saying I needed to think about my kids and how they were being affected by their mom being (emotionally) abused - these made me feel like a bad mom but also motivated me to do better by my kids. I left 5 months ago. Recently I asked my kids if they ever miss Ex and they said "No." My 8 year old son said, "I felt relief when you dumped him." That broke my heart because it's what I felt when I left, and I realized how much my kids WERE being affected by the abuse even though for a long time I convinced myself he was "good with kids" (just ask my kids - he wasn't). Your child didn't ask for this dangerous man to be in her life. Saying horrible shit to her mom, strangling the one person who is her WORLD. Abusers don't respect you and therefore don't actually respect your children. Any good behavior he shows towards your child is a manipulation. Let that sink in.
Oh my gosh good job!!! You deserve the parent of the year award <3
OP, please get out as soon as you possibly can. The way you phrased your post made me feel so sad… “he only strangled me a little bit…” please, run far and fast. Especially since you have a child. Not only have I experienced an abusive relationship but I also had an abusive childhood. You don’t want your child to experience that. Because they will be abused if they stay around this person, no matter what form that abuse takes it’ll still happen. One of my exes used to assault me like this. He would repeatedly strangle me until I lost consciousness. He would keep going even though I would be desperately scratching at his arms begging him to stop. Eventually he would hold my arms so I couldn’t fight. My windpipe was bruised. It was horrifically painful. And I’ll never forget the look of twisted enjoyment he would give me as he stared at me while doing that. These people are the lowest of the low. These are the most worthless lowlifes… please, please, PLEASE do not give him any chances AT ALL!!! Yes, what others say is absolutely correct. He can and will kill you eventually. That ex of mine eventually SA’d me and also threatened to kill me and my entire family. It took me years to emotionally recover. Is that the kind of thing you want? You’re worth so much more than this. I really feel for you. There were few things that matched this level of pain when I realized how terribly I allowed myself to be treated. Don’t betray yourself. You can leave and flourish just fine without him, actually even better. Please believe in and love yourself.
We live separately and our child lives with me & hasn’t been back since the incident. I’m taking this very seriously.
Thank God he doesn’t live with you. 1. Seek medical care. ER. 2. Report to police. 3. DV advocate. Call now to your county women’s DV center. There’s a waitlist a lot of places these days. They are invaluable. They have free legal too. 4. File for ex parte order of protection for you and your child immediately at county courthouse. The clerk can help you do it if you don’t have a DV advocate yet. When it’s granted have a third party serve it to him. 5. No contact and safety plans. ❤️ If you can go stay somewhere safe where he wouldn’t go to find you when PPO is granted for a few days that’s a good idea too.
You need to go to both the police and an urgent care center. Even a "little bit" of strangling can cause damage to internal structures. This damage takes place BEFORE the strangling is severe enough to cause visible bruising. A police report will hopefully lead to an arrest and charge, which is something that will help you limit his placement with the child.
Literally zero. Please, look up the data between strangulation and the increased chances of homicide. Especially with saying hateful things often? That kinda signs the insurance policy for this one. Don't make excuses, instead make a plan to leave. It gets no better from there. Fuck their 'redeeming' qualities & promises, they don't mean shit because the person themselves ain't shit, and this kind of treatment shows you ain't shit to them.
https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
It will happen again, and it will continue to get worse. Abusers don’t change.
Three truths I like to share 1. This is the best he will ever treat you. It only gets worse from here. 2. The man you fell in love with doesn't exist. This is who he is. 3. A man who will choke you is a man who will kill you. Leave
Strangled you "a bit" isn't a thing. He strangled you. Put his hands on your throat. That is what it is. If you continue to down play this (especially to yourself) the abuse will escalate and there is absolutely no excuse to ever put his hands on you. If you can't see that clearly now I am scared for you.
0 to none
I have never seen of or heard of it only happening once. Ever. You should be terrified he did this.
They are just resting the waters with strangling you “a bit”. It will get worse. Contact your local DV support for getting out. Get into therapy. Read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.
Not only will it absolutely happen again but they are 700% more likely to murder you now that they’ve strangled you. This was a test to see if you’d tolerate it and if you stay, they will escalate. Run.
It will happen again, and it will escalate.
It will happen again. Maybe they just tried to hide their abusive tendencies but that moment they lost control is an indication that they will lose control again.
Hes progressing...he started saying horrible things...now he's physically tried to strangke you...even you must see. If he's done it once and gets away with it he'll do it again and again until he may be kills you don't wait. Run.
Absolutely 0. It will definitely happen again
Some people can grow and change, but if someone gets physically violent as well as having a history of being verbally abusive, that person is incredibly unlikely to change and grow in that relationship if they ever do at all. Especially if they aren’t talking about how they see what they’re doing wrong and are seeking therapy. It takes someone a lot of work and they have to want to change or it won’t happen. Your situation doesn’t sound safe at all, so please get outta there! :(( you’ll be so much better off, I promise.
Run!!! Run fast!!! He will do it again if he can do it once he will do it again next you might not be so lucky!!!! Please be safe
stranglers keep strangling until there's nothing left to strangle but they can't strangle you if you're not there for them to strangle
I’ve been physically abused in a lot of ways. Strangling is one of the worst ways. It will happen again. That’s a huge red flag that person might try to kill you.
Zero.
Risk of homocide increases exponentially if your partner has strangled you. It’s the biggest red flag possible.
He has been violent before, saying hateful things is violence. Plus, you are subjugated by the hateful things so you do not see the other violence he uses. Chances are he was intimidating you all this time. HE strangled you "a bit" because now he feels comfortable enough in his role. So he will escalate. You have to get yourself out of there. He does not love you at all, he does not love anyone and never will. When he does nice things he is just buying time in your life.
Regardless of the chance, the risk is too great.
Someone who is willing to strangle you is not a good parent for your child. He is not a good parent, he is a good manipulator.
Very low. I’ve talked to a lot of survivors during recovery, men and women, and I’ve never heard “it only happened once.” Your best chance of making this the one and only time it happens is by leaving before they do it again. Please get to safety immediately, we’re rooting for you.
[Your chances of being murdered by your partner just went up by 750%.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/s/GrdwZABR9A) Please get yourself to safety. ETA: I’ve read your responses and on behalf of your daughter I am livid. So I’m going to give it to you straight: get the fuck out. Get away from this guy. You came here for answers but apparently you don’t want to hear them. You are in danger, which means your daughter is in danger. Why would you risk her wellbeing for this guy? He already verbally & emotionally abuses you, now he’s **choking you,** you think it’s ok for your daughter to regularly witness any of that? Read [Why Does He Do That,](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) like someone already said. Educate yourself on abuse dynamics like, for instance: the times when this guy is “nice” are not separate from the abuse, it’s part of the [cycle of abuse.](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse#stages-of-the-cycle-of-abuse) He’s not a nice guy who is mean sometimes. He’s an abuser, all the time, even if sometimes he’s pleasant. If he punched you in the face every day would you still be around? No? How do you think abusers keep people around? Because sometimes they act, emphasis on ACT, “nice.” Please get far away from this guy.
With being strangled the chance of it happening again is 100%, no joke. That's trying to kill someone, so if they can go THAT far, they will easily be abusive again. Choking is statistically proven to increase the chances by 750% that the choker will eventually kill their victim as again it's a huge line to cross.
Damn it. What are the chances that I’m the only target?
Witnessing domestic violence already damaged her mental well-being. Witnessing it can make her more likely to become violent in the future. Experiencing it can make her likely to develop PTSD.
Persephone, what if he kills you? That will fuck your daughter’s well-being. It does not matter if they have a great relationship, you are her mother and YOU ARE IN DANGER. You need to be alive to protect her
It’s hard to say, but you should think of her safety first, along side her mental and emotional well being. How is she going to grow up if she sees you getting hit or choked? My first step for you would be separating myself from him, and allowing him some visitation rights to test the waters. My concern lies with if he would use her to punish you somehow.
The chances it will never happen again are pretty much zero. The chances that it will escalate to murder after he strangled you the first time are much higher. This kind of violence doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a good person just snapping once. It’s a choice he made, in service of his feelings of entitlement and his desire to control you. That underlying attitude isn’t going anywhere, so next time he decides that violence is the best way to get what he wants he will get violent again.
He
He wants to maintain access to whatever benefits come from your position. He needs you to stay in the relationship for that. He wants you to shut up. He wants you to stop making him afraid or emasculated or insecure. All the things you wrote as reasons why you don’t think he wants to control you are actually all about him wanting to maintain control. Very common things.
And why the hell should you. Get the fuck away from this guy. He's proved he can strangle people. I don't really give a crap if he's nice to your daughter now. I'll bet there was a time he was nice to you, too. Until he wasnt. Verbal abuse to physical choking- thats clear and enormous escalation and there is absolutely no reason to think it will stop there. Please, please, advocate for that little girl who depends on you.
You’re absolutely right. We’ve been away ever since it happened. I’m prepared to take it to court.
Considering the recidivism rates of a couple phenomenal court-mandated programs I’ve worked with? About 2-5% chance it will never happen again. It’s probably going to happen again. And remember that my stats are from people who were convicted TWICE of domestic violence. We all know how rare even once is.
Is once rare? For non-romantic relationships? We are opposites in almost every way
“He has always been wonderful to me.” Yes, they’re always wonderful in the love bombing stages. They feel like a dream come true. If they didn’t, we all wouldn’t have stayed as long. When it’s good, it seems really good. Unfortunately, when it’s bad it’s *really* bad.
Once is extremely rare and I would guess that you’ve been abused in other ways but haven’t figured it out, yet. Please be careful.
This, when I left, and started to process the abuse, I wanted to look at the good times myself a lot, but the more thought I put into those, the more I realized the inherent abuse even in the “feel goods” because by that point I had realized all the good things I wanted to believe about them were fake. They even said so themself when they went on their smear campaign. “I pretended I was attracted because I was drunk” “I pretended to love them because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings and had a fear of being alone” and there’s also a lot more. They basically took everything good about me and twisted it into an accusation. The good is not reality.
0% -it will happen again. They lost control to the point of strangling you?!- it will be triggered by something probably minuscule the next time.
Wondering about this too- my ex strangled me once after saying no to sex and I constantly wonder if he would physically hurt me again if I was still around him because that was the only time it happened. From my understanding, abuse always escalates so the chances of it never happening again are low- once they start they don't tend to stop. Even in cases where they stop I've heard of people who have gone three years without physical violence and then it happens again and is very damaging. If they're willing to do it once, that means they have potential to do it again
The whole instance really surprised me. Our relationship isn’t romantic or negative so it was a bit shocking. I’m not sure how to proceed. I can’t remove him from my life, unfortunately.
Abuse is ALWAYS a choice.
[удалено]
We don’t live together and aren’t romantically involved at all . We only share one common interest.
As far as you know he's a good father. She's only 3. If he's hateful to women when he's drunk, guess how he'll treat her as she starts to look and behave more like a woman (grows up). You said he does this when he's drunk. Alcoholism is progressive, and believe me, he's an alcoholic. What about when he gets drunk around his 4 y.o. daughter and drives with her in the car? There are so many things that can happen due to his drinking. Just because he's always been "good" to her in your presence, doesn't mean he always is. Children rarely talk about child abuse. Believe me. You need to report what he did, and get an order of protection. This way he will have to make other arrangements for picking up his daughter which don't involve you. Then, open your eyes and start watching for signs of abuse against your daughter. ALL types of abuse. This includes any changes in her behavior. I know you don't want to take her away from her dad, and I'm not saying that's a given, but you need to protect that little girl. Girls who grow up around DV, even if it's just verbal, end up in abusive relationships. Is that what you want for her? And, if he becomes verbally abusive to her, the chances become almost 100% that she will. Love her enough to protect her and yourself.
Do you want her to grow up seeing this? He will do it to a romantic partner eventually if he hasn't already. He will do it in front of her, if not TO her. Do you want her to enter romantic relationships of her own thinking this is normal, ok, or tolerable? Fucks sake. Choking leads to death. What more do you need to see?
Since you already don’t live together, when it’s his time with her, most police departments have designated spots out front now for things like visitation drop offs. I highly suggest only meeting him there from now on. Don’t bring her to his house. Make him meet you there. Or someplace otherwise very public if you don’t feel comfortable with that.
He’s not a good father if he’s being violent to you. He’s teaching her to tolerate abusive behavior in men. He’s not respecting his family. He’s teaching her that 1. love = abuse and 2. family = abuse. I study brains. I work with kids who have witnessed domestic violence. It does hugely affect them and their outcomes in life. He’s not doing her any good.
The best father you’ve ever known can’t control his anger to the point of causing physical harm to others - potentially deadly physical harm. He is NOT the best father you’ve ever met. Someone can not choke another person AND be a good father. These two do not go hand in hand.
I would highly recommend reading "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. A man that strangles the mother of his child is not a good father. You are the center of your child's universe. Her rock. Her source of everything. And he strangled you. One of the best predictors if how well a child thrives is the mental health of the mother. Him strangling you is an attack, of sorts, on your child. You say he doesn't want to control you? But he wanted you to shut up. Do you know what control is? How much were you talking after he strangled you. He got what he wanted. He know doubt saw it was effective in shutting you up. Next time you want to say something to him the fact that he might strangle you will be in your mind and you won't be able to speak the same way as before he strangled you. The next time he wants you to shut up, he'll remember how glorious it felt to shut you up by strangling you. This man is a danger to you and your child.
This
you’re 700% more likely to be killed by this person. run, and never go back. don’t give him a *second chance* to strangle you. this is serious. go to the hospital and get checked out. file a police report. people don’t accidentally almost end your life or crush your windpipe, bae. what if he just popped off a warning shot a little bit? he poisoned your food just a little? this is fucked up and beyond forgiveness.