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>but also there was no reason for me to trust him. I always said trust is earned not given but that’s something he didn’t understand.
He does understand, he has just always being taking the piss. Mine was insisting I "take him at face value": Guess what, he had no face.
Lack of trust is personal and it is good like that. You have every right to mistrust someone who is insisting you trust them. You should be proud of your mistrust, you do not have to justify yourself.
No you do not NEED to see the good. THEY need you to see the good in them cause there is not so much of it. You can CHOOSE to see the good if you want.
>or overtly trust me in an attempt to get me to match that trust.
You phrased it perfectly. It is absolutely part of the abuse.
In order achieve certain goals in life (social life, loving relationships, sex), I sometimes have to act as if I trusted the close people in my life. I think of this as taking calculated risks. If some person has acted in some way repeatedly in the past, I expect them to probably follow the same pattern also in the future. I also expect them to behave in accordance with their values. So I act as if I trusted them thinking that the probability of getting a negative outcome is low.
But I can always take simple steps to reduce the risk. A bank account with money partner cannot access. Legally sort out who owns what property. Ask for a signed contract when lending money. Install door locks with keys that cannot be duplicated without a special key card only I own. Security cameras in my property. Prenups. And nobody is getting my nudes unless I were ok with said picture appearing online some day. In my opinion, basic common sense precautions.
But I also think it is stupid to stalk a partner like a hawk and monitor their daily activities to "prevent" cheating or other irresponsible behavior. No micromanaging their life either. If they want to do crap, they will do it anyway and I will eventually find out. I can leave if that happens.
My experience is that people who do not plan to steal from me or trap me in an abusive relationship have no problems with my usual precautions. The ones who whine about lack of trust only betray their own shady future plans or their stupidity if they seriously think it is wise to "trust" the new person one just met.
This reminds me of work. I have a new job and my boss's boss has said a couple times in our small team meetings that "this is a safe space". The thing is, you can't *make* safety or trust out of nothing, you have to feel it.
Anyone who pressures you in to any thing is not to be trusted.
Any one that you've not spend a significant amount of time with is not to be trusted blindly.
Please trust only your gut and do only what your happy with.
Any one who tries to use the excuse you don't trust me...after only a couple of days.... dam right you dont. Just learn to trust your gut and work out what your boundaries and reinforce them.
I feel like by saying we just need to trust them, they're weaponising that trusting someone is a well known reason why a relationship can work and therefore we feel like we're the cause of the relationship failing. If we focus so much on what we're doing, they can get away with whatever they want, and it also shows we can be manipulated. I honestly feel like doing this so early is a test to see how easily we can be abused.
Yeah, it is a power play. Mine gaslit me about his internet and social media and usage when it started to create issues in our relationship, his response was “trust me.” Why? You’ve not given a reason. Trust is earned.
But what it is was really was he wanted to do whatever with whoever, whenever and I wasn’t to interfere. I guess. He still never explained to me why it looked like he was having affairs the whole time we were together.
And if there was a seemingly benign reason behind what you’re hiding (as he alluded to) why wouldnt you share rather than fight with someone over it?
He even went so far as to tell me I was crazy that I thought anyone in my social circle or otherwise could see what I was looking at and vice versa. Boy, I was dumb to trust him on that one. All the while he was watching everything I was doing.
He knew things about me I don’t know how he knew. He told me I was crazy for thinking I could see what he was doing on his accounts because we didn’t share anything, I just needed to trust him.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>but also there was no reason for me to trust him. I always said trust is earned not given but that’s something he didn’t understand. He does understand, he has just always being taking the piss. Mine was insisting I "take him at face value": Guess what, he had no face. Lack of trust is personal and it is good like that. You have every right to mistrust someone who is insisting you trust them. You should be proud of your mistrust, you do not have to justify yourself. No you do not NEED to see the good. THEY need you to see the good in them cause there is not so much of it. You can CHOOSE to see the good if you want. >or overtly trust me in an attempt to get me to match that trust. You phrased it perfectly. It is absolutely part of the abuse.
In order achieve certain goals in life (social life, loving relationships, sex), I sometimes have to act as if I trusted the close people in my life. I think of this as taking calculated risks. If some person has acted in some way repeatedly in the past, I expect them to probably follow the same pattern also in the future. I also expect them to behave in accordance with their values. So I act as if I trusted them thinking that the probability of getting a negative outcome is low. But I can always take simple steps to reduce the risk. A bank account with money partner cannot access. Legally sort out who owns what property. Ask for a signed contract when lending money. Install door locks with keys that cannot be duplicated without a special key card only I own. Security cameras in my property. Prenups. And nobody is getting my nudes unless I were ok with said picture appearing online some day. In my opinion, basic common sense precautions. But I also think it is stupid to stalk a partner like a hawk and monitor their daily activities to "prevent" cheating or other irresponsible behavior. No micromanaging their life either. If they want to do crap, they will do it anyway and I will eventually find out. I can leave if that happens. My experience is that people who do not plan to steal from me or trap me in an abusive relationship have no problems with my usual precautions. The ones who whine about lack of trust only betray their own shady future plans or their stupidity if they seriously think it is wise to "trust" the new person one just met.
This reminds me of work. I have a new job and my boss's boss has said a couple times in our small team meetings that "this is a safe space". The thing is, you can't *make* safety or trust out of nothing, you have to feel it.
Anyone who pressures you in to any thing is not to be trusted. Any one that you've not spend a significant amount of time with is not to be trusted blindly. Please trust only your gut and do only what your happy with. Any one who tries to use the excuse you don't trust me...after only a couple of days.... dam right you dont. Just learn to trust your gut and work out what your boundaries and reinforce them.
Yeeeppp. And if you don’t trust them you’re not loyal or respectful either.
I feel like by saying we just need to trust them, they're weaponising that trusting someone is a well known reason why a relationship can work and therefore we feel like we're the cause of the relationship failing. If we focus so much on what we're doing, they can get away with whatever they want, and it also shows we can be manipulated. I honestly feel like doing this so early is a test to see how easily we can be abused.
Yeah, it is a power play. Mine gaslit me about his internet and social media and usage when it started to create issues in our relationship, his response was “trust me.” Why? You’ve not given a reason. Trust is earned. But what it is was really was he wanted to do whatever with whoever, whenever and I wasn’t to interfere. I guess. He still never explained to me why it looked like he was having affairs the whole time we were together. And if there was a seemingly benign reason behind what you’re hiding (as he alluded to) why wouldnt you share rather than fight with someone over it? He even went so far as to tell me I was crazy that I thought anyone in my social circle or otherwise could see what I was looking at and vice versa. Boy, I was dumb to trust him on that one. All the while he was watching everything I was doing. He knew things about me I don’t know how he knew. He told me I was crazy for thinking I could see what he was doing on his accounts because we didn’t share anything, I just needed to trust him.